Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Joey Diaz: Crazy Suburban Dad!

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

Are You Garbage podcast presents stand up comedian and podcast host Joey Diaz! You know Joey Diaz from Stand Up Comedy, The Church of What's Happening Now, The Joe Rogan Experience, This Past Weekend with Theo Von, You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir, Flagrant, HoneyDew, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Your Mom's House, Bertcast, Comedy Central's This Is Not Happening, and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Fabletics: Shop now at Fabletics.com/garbage to get 70–80% off when you sign up as a new VIP. Promo Code: GARBAGE BetterHelp: Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/garbage Promo Code: GARBAGE Mars Men: For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at Mengotomars.com. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that after good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash.

I'm your host, Tadilly coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. I didn't write one. My coach is coming out from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He's an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and we're growing. We're moving together, and I love it.

Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What's up, everybody. Shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate and you, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing to frickin' charts. Actually, a bit of a standstill at a moment, but check it out. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www. www.

Patreon.com slash rar you garbage. Go over there. We're in the top, I don't know, five or ten comedy podcasts over there on Patreon. Check it the frick out. Oh, yeah. Gang, we could be more excited to have our incredibly, and I'm an incredibly special guest. Back with us again today, a man reborn, a man on a mission, a legend. You can hear every week on this amazing podcast,

the church of what's happening now. Give it up for the one, the only. Mr. Joey, the one the only. What's up, guys? Uncle Joey made a trip over from Jersey. Thank you for having me, man. Thank you. I missed you, motherfuckers.

Thanks for coming back. The last two times I was supposed to be. And listen, thank God you motherfuckers sent a car. And I'll tell you what. Sunday, my daughter's got, no, Saturday. I got a wedding to go. I got a thousand things Saturday. Not beside the three games she's got.

Yeah. That starts at 8, 10 in the fucking... What's the song? Is it just... Is it literally? No, it's gross softball, but it's like this fucking league. Intent athletics are crazy. This is crazy.

This is crazy. This she wanted it. She got it. Two practices a week. Two strength and conditioning is a week. And six fucking games every week. God damn. 13 years old on a 15-year-old team.

Whoa. She's a catcher. She's a catcher. So that was that. So this weekend, Saturday, I'm excited. I'm coming to see you guys Tuesday, 8, 10 in the morning. I got a couple of edibles in me. I'm stoned to the gills.

I got my sunglasses on, you know, all the parents are fucking running around. I'm just sitting there. And all of a sudden, the first game they won, the second game, a girl hits a fucking foul ball. And I see it. And there's my car. And all of a sudden, boom, it hits the windshield. And people like, whose car is that? I was so high.

I didn't say nothing. I didn't drive today. I didn't, I just sat there. And then the second game, I'm like, wait a second, I got shit to do. I got to take my daughter to a concert Sunday night. I got to come see you guys. I got to go to Brooklyn Wednesday. I got to get through it.

And the white people that call safe flight. Yeah, good. Safe flight's a mystery to me. They show up like 22 hours later. So I called Lexus. They said drop the car. I had to drive all the way back home. That's an hour.

Switch cars and drive back to the game. Set that until 7.30. Got home. I couldn't even make it to the wedding. No? You bailed on the wedding? It was a reception. Really nice people. It was a reception.

It wasn't a wedding. It was like a party. It was the party. But listen, we left the house at 6.30 in the morning. I'm out. You got home at 7. I'm not a fucking young buck anymore. And then I found some energy to stay up and bet Max Holloway like the motherfucker.

Paid, paid, laid and parlayed. The only bet I lost was decision. I bet him to knock him out. I bet him to win. I bet everything. I knew that was going to be a fucking calamity. So I got no car. So they gave me a loner, but it's a fucking monster of a Lexus.

Does it have like the big courtesy vehicle on the back? That's embarrassing. Like you're in a golf tournament? Number 40. You know. I'm number 40 this week. Lexus or Lawrence Miller. I got to give a shout out to Lexus or Freehold.

They're fucking tip-top Magoo. Listen, you know, you have all these cars all your life and you really don't enjoy them. They're just a vehicle. You get in it, you smoke, you fart, you fucking drip shit in it. I got this car, because I was a Subaru for years. I lived in Boulder, and I saw people with these badass cars get stuck in the winter, and all of a sudden some little lesbian with a supero.

All-wheel drive. 80. And that guy with the big fuck, with the chains on it, with the chains, and it's stuck. So I became a Subaru guy, but I never really enjoyed them towards the end. So I took a survey and I said, let me go get the accurate truck. Holy shit, the Alexis truck. Yeah.

And I fucking love it. What's a survey? What do you mean, took a survey? I took a survey amongst my friends. Oh, okay. You ask different people. Like, I want to listen. Joey's knocking door to door in the neighborhood.

Yeah, I'm talking Cuban. I want a Cadillac. I want to tell you about your car. Okay? I'm Cuban. A Cadillac is in my future. Of course. Shout out to it.

Cubans love Cadillacs. And I've been looking for a Cadillac for 10 fucking years. But it's to the point where even the. service people, pull me aside and go, Joe, you don't want to do this? You like the Cadillac sedan coupe, or do you like the big tree? You like the truck. A sedan coupe, but if it was up to me, I got an electric 225 from 1973. Nine miles to the gallon, I dare you to walk out in front of it.

I dare you to walk out. I dare you to, you can't even scratch that car. That's some cars. You could sit there for an hour with a key. Nothing. So I found one, but it was too beat up. leather interior about a year ago. And I'm still looking. A nice electric 225

fucking windows, power windows. That's luxury. Nine miles to the gallon. Yeah. You ain't gone. But when you step on that motherfucker, it's a mule. You're doing $4.50 in that thing. You know. What's your... Tell you came in hot today.

Oh, I love it. I'm in a car with some Indian guys for an hour and a half. I haven't said a word. He hits me. I'm staring out the window. I had to pull over at the fucking stop to pee. I had to pee two times on the way, dog. That early ride kills me. They're good with that, though. They like stop.

No, they stopped. The one time I got out, and he followed me into the bathroom. We stood at the urinal next to each other, and then walked back to the car. It's all too, fucking. It's like we were on a road trip together. A little too familiar, dude. We were sending a car anyway. Well, I asked him.

I said, do you want a car? He goes, nah, I'm good. And then, like, very, Joe, yes, 10 minutes. Maybe let me hold off on the car. I would have had a drive to the ferry and then walk. And let me tell you something. To send the car for Uncle Joe. This Thursday's nine weeks from the surgery.

And after like seven weeks, my knee backfired. Like, that's my fucking lock. So every time I go to get up, it feels like the bone's going to collapse. So I went to the doctor Thursday again. He didn't take an x-ray. Oh, there's nothing wrong with it. That makes you nervous when they don't really look. They just go, ah, you're all right?

Yeah, that makes me think. I want all to test done. I don't want to hear what you think. Take a picture. I would have never done this shit again. Ever. I'm not ever doing it. You didn't get a knee replaced, did you?

I got a knee replacement. That's what you did? Yeah. It's hurting? Yeah. What? And I replaced the replacement. See if Lexus can do that.

I replaced a courtesy knee, dog. I was supposed to come out here on here on Tuesday Monday afternoon. I go to Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah. And it's a single leg. We're going over a single leg. And I actually dropped that knee to pick up the guy single, and I couldn't get back up after that. I couldn't even walk down the stairs after class.

They had to carry me down there. Like one of those in. The N chiefs when they carry them like, I'll be Baba. So fucking they got me downstairs. I went home, the knee blew up. When I called you guys at 7 o'clock, it was huge. I went to the hospital and they sent me home with no pain pills.

I don't do nothing for a man. You did something that I loved. That's something that I would do. You sent a picture. Oh, yeah. I'm me in the hospital. Yeah, I don't want no fucking problem. You're doing a career liar.

Yes. That's a guy. No, no, no, no, no. I'm the kind of guy. show up if you, this is I was raised when you go to school, you're sick, you don't feel good, okay, go to school, if you puke at school,

I'll pick you up. I'll pick you up. Tell you my mom, that it sucked. I'll pick you up, but you're going to fucking school. And if you don't go to fucking school, you better have a goddamn reason why not to go to fucking school. They never believe me, I was sick. Dog, I went right from you that morning right to the fucking hospital.

Right to the fucking hospital, because I woke up and it was out to here. I do. You, you conduct. This is very old school, too. Yeah. We were on the road. I get a DM from him. Yo, here, it's Joey.

Here's my number. Hit me up. That's his random. I get out of the shock. What the fuck's going on? I call you up. I go, hey, what's up? I go, it's Kevin.

I know who the fuck it is. I go, what's up? He goes, I got your number of my phone. I couldn't fucking find it. Couldn't find it. He goes, he checks in like Uncle Joe. What are you guys doing? I go, we're in, we're in Cleveland.

I go, we got to take it. I go out of taking. He goes, all. Listen. What's the 14th looking like for you? What's the what you're going to do? No, it's just very... Very more hand.

Listen, I got a call from an aging yesterday. Hi, my client, no, last week, my client will love to come on your podcast. I love your client. Great guy. Okay, where is it? Monday night, 6 o'clock, nice and easy. No fucking drama whatsoever.

Weekend passes, he calls yesterday. Hey, my client, can he do a Zoom? And I'm like, absolutely not. Because this ain't COVID no more. I'm not doing his own. They're the same shit. He lives in fucking Long Island or whatever. 10 minutes later, the guy calls me back.

He wants to make a phone call. He doesn't let him make a phone call, but he ain't calling me on the podcast. He can make all the phone calls. Call his mother. I don't give a phone call. You know, and it's like, when it comes to a podcast, my agent shouldn't be fucking calling. I agree.

Okay? I call you. I love the people that you go up and go, hey, Kev, how are you doing good? I like to come on the show tomorrow, and you're like, great. I'll call you tomorrow and more. And also, I get in the call, I'm getting a call from Ali. You know, Ali, hi, this is Matt's assistant or whatever. What the for?

We were just smoking dope last night. All of a sudden you're fucking. Why has he got his assistant calling me? Do the work yourself. I couldn't agree more. Why the fuck is your assistant calling me? My assistant, I don't even have a fucking assistant. Yeah.

But I wouldn't have him call you. I'm a man. I call you yourself. So we live in a strange fucking world. I will say all of the bigger get, bigger comic guests, we've gotten, have reached out, have somehow gotten our number or D.N., like, Bert, Tom, R, everybody has been Schulte? Hey, can I come do the podcast? Yeah, what the fuck's about? I got to have my age. Oh, my, our manager. My client's available. Let me put him on. Let me talk to this break.

I'll straighten them out. You ever have these guys, my client would love to be on your podcast. Okay, it's July 20th. What were you thinking? September 18th. Listen, go fuck your mother. It's Monday or nothing at all. That's why I appreciate it. I'm not waiting to September 18th for your fucking bum client. Go fuck yourself. I like booking week to week. I don't know what I feel.

Some fucking weeks, I look at a guy. I don't want nobody. I don't want to talk to nobody. We were trying to work this out a few months ago. You couldn't do it to one day and then this. And then we get the wristband from the hospital. Old school. Yeah, old school.

Boom. Motherfuckers. With the date and time. There was no misunderstanding. I remember seeing that. I was like, I was like, oh, show you don't have to send that. Because during COVID. people were sending old COVID test.

Oh, what are you kidding me? I got COVID last night. And this picture on top since June 18th of last year. And you're like, come on, guy. You didn't get COVID. Remember that we show you the COVID test? Like, I'm an adult. You don't have to show me a COVID test,

but come over here and let me know you're dying. And then I'll fill you up with the bag of goodies. I got something in the house that'll take care of you. I got edibles. Something will take care of that. I love to use that for doing it for getting out of stuff. I'll still throw out of COVID. If I want to get out of like a smile, I got, I just got off the plane.

I think I was exposed. I didn't test positive, but my, but, you know, she did. But listen, if you got exposed, come down. Come down. Unless it's herpes or the VD or something or gonorrhea of the asshole. I'm in. I can live with that. A cold for one day.

You get it? Yeah, we're working, maybe. What is your setup at the, um, the softballs? Like, what do you bring it? Do you bring a chair? Do you sit in the bleachers? No. Are you bringing something to eat?

all to bring in the fucking chairs. Because you get up, you need 15 chiropractice, so I bring a nice. Burt gave me a chair. Okay. Bert sent me a chair. All right. That's the fucking heart of Burt.

He heard me talking about him. He said him this chair with, like, buttons, and my feet go up, you know. The whole thing. I bring my own food. If you don't hit that snack bar? No, no, no, no. So this is a day, I assume it's a traveling team

sometimes. The traveling team? One week, we had local. Like, one week. Is it all a bunch of games? An hour. Everything is two hours and alpha. And it's great for me.

Because in between games, I go to that city's weed store. I make new friends. I mingle. I see what the weed is down there. I say hello. I take some pictures. Who the fuck knows? So in between games,

the kids go sit under a tree and eat warm melon or something. Me, I got shit to do. You go get lifted, dog. I go get some weed. I go see what the town has to offer. Just like if I was on the road. For me, it's just like in some town about another's.

Sometimes you go to like a fucking nice white town, like a dynamite weed. And then one week we were in Atlantic City. Woo! Oh, fuck that, dude. Casey is bad. You walk out of that fucking hotel and you walk on that independence avenue.

There ain't no independence. The kids are playing slump on there? No, we played like 30 minutes away. Probably like Egg Harbor Township. Yeah, Egg Harbor Township. So we had to spend the night. Instead of driving an hour of 40, we just got hotel rooms.

The team gets hotel rooms? Just you and your daughter? Me, my daughter, a couple of the parents. Okay. Let's drive home. It was like six of a Scott Hotel room. We didn't want to fucking drive for it. The games are at 8, 10.

Eight in the fucking. And they go all day. And they got to be there at seven. So you're sitting there with your fat ass, you know, looking around at pigeons and you're asking yourself, when is a fucking stone going to fall in my hair? The thought of you doing the suburban dad stuff is fantastic. I thought, listen, do you think I would, look, I live in a place where there's deer. You see fucking foxes.

attacking little birds and shit. So I'm down there like Batman. You know, he lived in the weeds. He went in there in the fucking cave open and shit. I'm like Batman. And during the week, I have really no friends at all down. Low profile. Yeah, kind of sort of, but I have like two or three friends.

They got, like, my best friend's a 10-year-old kid. You know, because he likes to gamble. So I go, what? He's 10. I go to his house and his parents. No, you don't. Yes, we do. And we have casino

And he's 10 He calls his buddies over And what do you play cards with us? I scamming the blackjack I go home with about 11 singles Every time I go over there Kids are crying I don't give a fuck

You gotta learn This is a real world dude And his mom is my best friend And his dad is my best friend So you became friends with the neighbors You ingratiated yourself In the neighborhood But then

Are you tight with the softball parents? My daughter hangs out with their daughter, right? And they're from Staten Island, their beautiful Italian, Irish couple. I mean, I love them to death, the Murdoz. And they got two kids. They got Nicole, and then Joey.

Joey's a fucking animal. He's just been an animal since the day they brought him up. And they know, they know I torment the fucking kids. Jelly's taking cards from the bottom. Oh, Blackjack. I told him if you got all aces, I'd give him $500. I gave him $500. There you go.

He shit his pants. But then I want $100 back. Got, talking. I raise the stakes. I suck them in. I let him win like $3 in a row. And then I go, there's five, Joey.

And there he is. Playing three Garmonte and shit. Follow the jack. Holy shit. When you go to the... Does the misses go with you to the game too? Yeah, yeah. It's a team.

And then the rest of some of the parents and stuff like that. Some of the parents lay around. Nobody gets smoking dope this season. Like by first of two, three seasons, the parents who all fucking edible heads. Uh-huh. One dad gave an edible like 50 milligrams.

He started puking. You gotta love that shit. You love when someone can't handle an edible joke. Dude, we'll watch the video. And he told me 10 times. Oh, I've done these before. I was a heroin junkie. Okay.

So I gave him a 50 milligram dog. They had to carry him to his car. He kept seeing his dog and the dog died three years earlier. Dude, sometimes we'll just sit around and we're on the road or in the car or whatever and we'll just look at you getting people really fucked up specifically Lee and we'll just die left oh my god it's so funny when the game starts you're dialed in dialed in yeah pretty watch what nobody's doing you know what the kids are doing all that stuff i'm not a cheerleader i don't even cheer for my daughter i don't want to hear me

fucking say that's what i wanted to ask you my dad was the same way i don't argue with reps i don't yell at the umpire i don't care what the count is these fucking parents all the they become baseball fucking umpires that was safe and then it's a 22 minute talk yeah i could have sworn shut the fuck up yeah that was 10 minutes ago there's no instant replay the game moves on let it go get a cocktail do something you got another game in an hour let's go finger your wife what the fuck is going on here but they can't wait i got money on this game yeah 20 minutes oh well you know i thought he was safe the umpire called that last week at a league shut the fuck up you know i'm not going at all i knew this is going to be your take i go there just to see

sit and watch my child every 20 minutes I get up I go pee I fucking take two hits off the joint I eat an edible we bring watermelon We bring fucking Doing a sandwich out there Hogi or something

Stop and get a nice sandwich I'm too old to beat Wait how long are you there? Hey You're there from 8 in the morning And then there's a game at 1010 And then there's a break till about two Then there's another game

With just watermelon? No no no no I bring, she brings like chicken. Okay. I'll eat like a breakfast at the house before I go and then I'm there. Because the night you're eating salami sandwiches all fucking day. I don't eat salam so I bring cherries that bring. Good.

You know, fucking, you know, you got to bring watermelon. Uh-huh. You got to bring waters, you know. I'll get a yoo-hoo there. There's always a you. There's always a you. So you will hit the snack bar. Yeah, yeah.

You do a hot dog? No. Okay, it slows you down. I just don't. I got my place to eat hot dogs. You know what I'm saying? I don't trust these foreigners with hot dogs and shit. It's a snack partner, gee me?

Still, it's a hot dog. You know, listen, I'm living in L.A. And Carvel opened. Every fucking New Yorker was excited. We went down, it was like a Chinese couple. They never spoke English. They didn't even know how to make a cone. They were making sushi and shit.

And fucking, because it was an investment. Yeah. Or they're a franchise. It wasn't somebody who grew up with Carvel and said, this is what I want to do with my life. Let me open up. Carvel people with nice people. You went in there. They were chubby. They had diabetes. They liked the product.

But they're the next generation of Americans. Taking it on. But it's like I went to someplace in Burbank. And what was that juice company where kids? Purple mango, whatever the fuck that is. I don't know. Purple manga. You know, when you see like, and I'm not prejudiced or racist, but I'm just talking to truth.

Somebody who doesn't eat meat is selling you a meat product. I never understood that. You're not. Listen, I get that. For the word, you know, I don't know, they, they kill themselves for some virgins, but then they fucking, if they eat meat, they die, but then they are selling fucking halal and hot dog. Fucking A-Rabs don't eat hot dogs. What are you?

Show me one picture of a guy with a turban. I haven't heard of a fucking air. Arabian, whatever. I know. Arabian. Tell me, show me one picture for my rant. And the guy's got like a sat bread hot dog About to be eating into a fucking mustard relish

You know, that's never gonna happen So why are you pushing on me In the streets in New York? You know what I got to walk down the street With an ice agent I don't even know what the fuck it is anymore Man Suburbia will ever be the same again

Oh God My head hurts Holy shit too funny That sounds like a nice little Saturday. And then I got to do it against Sunday. Kevin's thinking about Fabletics. Fabletics. Yes, sir.

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You can buy it all together. Listen, they were nice enough to send us up a package of stuff. Buddy, I got to tell you, I am in love with their joggers. They sent me a pair, tried them all. I'm not a big joggers guy. It's funny. I haven't seen the joggers over here. I put a pair of joggers. I put these on. I literally walked out. Nadine saw them. She said, those are great. I jumped on. I ordered like 15 pairs.

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Do it. God bless you. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yes. Dang, they're removing the stigma of getting therapy. A lot of guff with that. Therapy. These old generations, too.

Talking about me, trashing me in there. Listen, get rid of all that stuff. Don't let that stop you from going getting help and go and getting your brain in order. You know what I mean? you got big problems, you got small problems, go to therapy, talk it out. You know, you're not going to go to hell for it. Yeah, we talk, I mean, you know, we talk about. My grandmother thought me.

We talk about our mental health journeys open and honest. A lot of comedians do. It's good therapy for us. Better helps. Better helps 2026 state of the stigma report survey, 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. We got to close that gap in mental health support. people actually seeking it and what we can do to fucking to take to get people the help they need

and better help is doing that they have over 30,000 therapists was the world's largest online therapy platform and have served over six million people globally come on they're doing a lord's work out there and uh me and me and the big man have been very public about our journeys we both use better help we both use it as a tool to just start the process it's a good touchstone hey i'll back off for a little while i'm doing good i go you know what i'm spinning my wheels again i'm i'm I get back in and I'm going to get straightened out. Don't let the stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp.

Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com. That's BetterHelp. H-E-LP.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. But again, the sun's out. You got your sunglasses on. You're chilling.

You're chilling. You don't get involved with the parent politics. It's like I tell my wife. There's some people that go fishing and they don't go fishing to catch a fish. They go fishing to look at the fucking water. and to hear dick all day, and to just reflect. Whatever comes into your mind is beautiful. And that's what I do.

When I get there, I don't want to talk to nobody. I just want to watch my daughter play in the other girls and see how they do. While I'm looking at my daughter, I'm thinking of shit. I'm like, man, how lucky am I to have a daughter? How lucky am I to be here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather be in a hotel in Cleveland right now having three shows tonight. Exactly.

I want, and, you know, the first season was kind of rough. know anything about me, I like to mix it up on the weekends. And I'm sitting there with parents, you know, with short time. It was very rough. And then one day it came to me, there's no other place I'd rather be. Like when I'm watching her, it's my little fucking meditation. That's what I use it for. You sit there, you don't have to talk to nobody.

I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to be funny. I just fucking look at it. The fruits of your labor. That's it. You were able to get to a place where you can give her these opportunities? Yeah, you know, what are we talking about here? Yeah, you know, the same fucking thing.

Watch her develop. She's focused on something. And this stuff is, you know, even if she has a bad game, she's learning something. She's learning how to cheer and do this and get a bloody nose and cat, you know. I mean, and that's, I didn't want to raise her in California for those reasons. I wanted to be a city fucking girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, East Coast.

I wanted to be an East Coast girl. And listen, Sunday and I took it to a fucking concert. Or did you take it? A heavy metal concert. What? Hasbury Park, Independence Hall. to see this band crazier. She likes the kids.

My daughter's 13. She's never going to date a 13-year-old. She's going to date a 15-year-old because she's a little, you know, I got to watch a narcos and the godfather's and she's fucking eight. You know what I'm saying? I talk to her about shit. She knows about everything. I'm not going to hide anything with her.

So I always told her. So all of a sudden she's like these guys want me to come to the band. She had her little hot pants on, a little blouse. Oh, she knows the guys in the band. Wait, this is a young band. Yeah, they're like 15. They're fucking great. Crazier?

Crazyers? Crazyer. Yeah, and they play like fucking Judas Priest. You know. That's a cat. That's crazy. They're 15 and they play Deaf Leopids' first album.

When I heard that song, the first time I went to see it, I go, I got to pay attention to these little motherfuckers. They're on to something. Because there's no way kids that age would have known that deaf leopard song, wasted.

It's on the first album. It's tremendous. Mm-hmm. None of them. And they knew that. They knew a couple fucking songs. Then they broke into some Ozzy Osbourne and shit. Joe, he's in.

They did hot. And I had just shown my daughter one day without even know. We were watching TV. I go, you ever see the video for a Hopper Teacher? And she's like that. I never even know what that song is. I put on Hot Petitia. You're talking to a guy in the Burbershop.

Guess what? They played one night. Hot Petitia. My daughter turned out and like, I go, yeah. So, you know, they were a little band. They were a young band. They're three of them. They make noise like Zizi Top.

What do they go to her school? They go to like a school in Tom's River, I guess. It's a musical school. So a friend of my daughters had a crush on the drummer and took my daughter. And my wife called me, she goes, Joey, your daughter's in the pit. Jumping up and down, pushing boys and shit. I'm like, that's my daughter. Fuck it.

That's crazy. So you took her down there this time with her and her friends? Yeah, I've taken it twice to those shows. What are you going to do? No. No. What do you mean? Boy, by the time she's 18, she's sucking three cops at once.

I can't have that, you know what I'm saying? I take her out now and let her know it's okay. I'm with her. I don't sit there and watch her either. I sat for like 30 minutes and I went next door to a candy store. They had one of those old-school candy stores with the cigars and shit, with the bubble gum cigars. The pink and the blue ones. The blue one.

They don't blow smoke no more. I know. They got rid of that. They got rid of the smoke. The powder, yeah. The fucking gum tastes like ass. No flavor. You know, what the fuck are they doing to these kids?

I took all the good things out of these kids. Oh, my God. I fucking love this. How many times did you eat those cigars? You bought them, you shit pink for a week. Little pink balls will come out of my head. The candy cigarettes, the gums, the cigars. That was cool to me.

The ones with the paper, and you ate the paper. You didn't even give a fuck. You're from Jersey. I hate paper. I remember the rumor came around that it was like on Trident Gum, you can eat the paper. You started doing that. Yeah, I ate the paper. Chinese people eat the paper.

Chinese people have candy when I was a kid on 88th Street, right? I don't be on 88th Street. We lived in a building, and one of my neighbors was Chinese. Little girl, five, I was five. And a father was an artist for Schultz. He would do all the Snoopy movies. Okay. So whenever a new Snoopy movie would come out,

she would invite me and a couple of kids from the building to a theater to watch it. And I still remember how father giving us candies and saying, you could eat these, you know, with paper on them. And I'm like, fucking throwing paper down like it's the Fourth of July when you're five, you know. By now you can eat paper. Yeah, I'm eating paper. And I told the Chinese friend of mine, a comic, Becky Z, I told about three months ago about this experience. About a month ago, she brought me the candies to my house.

Oh, my God. And I ate the whole fucking bag. With the paper, without the paper, I was so high. Let me ask you this. When you're taking your daughter and some of her friends somewhere, what's that experience like? What's the Uncle Joey Dia's experience like? I fuck with them a little bit because they're going to fuck with me. You take them to get something to eat?

I take them to, like, readers. Shout out to readers. I take them to Carvel. Stopping the way home, stopping the way there or something like that. And then after the games, they always want to do it a little after party. The whole team goes to get a little pizza? Yeah. Look at you.

Like not even pizza, really, but something. Just something. Like something to drink or something, dairy queen. Yeah, they like the Starbucks. They like to. Yeah. But that's their slice of pizza when you go off to. in a little league game.

Yeah, that's that. Look at you. You're living a suburban fantasy out there. Then I got I'm smoking pot with three hands of seven-fstein every morning. That's what I'm saying. I do my comedy. I fucking love it. And this is worked out better than my life in L.A.

That's great. Like this has worked out. I found the schedule I could work with. You know, I get to spend time with them. I get the podcast. I get the fucking, I've been playing GTA. I never played that shit before in my fucking life. I ain't got time.

to play games, you know, we're always fucking taking hostages. So I'm not going to sit in a house like an idiot and play games. But when I got the knee surgery, I go, a friend of mine, Carly Kim, shout out, talked me into it. She goes, you should try it. So one night I started playing GTA. So now we, like Tuesdays and Fridays and maybe Saturday nights, we just get, she's in Austin. My other buddy lives in Lynnhurst, New Jersey, and we just fucking play GTA for three hours, smoking dope.

fucking when I did the surgery I'm playing on pain pills I'm fucking crashing people like why are you such a bad drive bitch I got three fucking 10 milligrams in me a 500 milligram edible and I've been smoking dope since fucking

Dracula went home so you pop into your office you got the game chair and all that stuff and you're not in the living room I'm not that much of a you're right in the living room yeah I got to fuck with my wife

and my daughter I gotta be upstairs now and hide in their rooms I'm now they yelling at people and you're down in the living room sitting in your chair but now she already read me the riot act joe it's the family room you can't be down here talking about a rabbs that

names shit with the headset on yelling at people with the headset on yelling at people so we're going to get a set up for your office there you go some shit away on sunday just to make my office a little bit more spacious nice i got a i got a i got a question talk about living the dream i know every suburban jersey suburban dad dirtbag loves uh and we i mean we have them as well do you have a pbba card that from a cop if you get pulled over. I have so many fucking PBA cards. I can imagine. Jesus Christ.

I have so many PBA cards. That's a great point of you. Pick a card, any car. But every cop knows had heard me over the years. I'm a felon, but my relationship with cops has always been solid. Sure. It's not there for it. I became a fucking knucklehead.

It's not a policeman's false or detectives for. And in my 60s, oh, wiki. And in my 63 years of living, I only had one problem with a cop. And it was the arresting office. and when I turned myself in in Boulder. He was just like a white boy scout, one of these guys. And I was just thinking about that, that he was bothering me. He would say shit to me.

When he was transferring, you're bringing in? What do you mean? No, no, no. I turned myself in. And then I went to, you know, county jail for like a month. And when I got out of there, I would bump them to him of different situations because he didn't buy my story. So he's like, we're going to nail you on this.

But I had fucked with him. What the fuck? I had fucked with him years early. In 85, I was working on a foot locker, and I found a bunch of stolen credit cards. Well, I stole the credit cards. You don't find them. You don't know what I'm talking down the street.

Holy shit. The blue bird of happiness just drops the fucking Chinese credit card on you. So I didn't know. When I moved to Boulder from New York, I was so New York, and I had some cash, but I put it in the bank and a buddy man, we were doing credit cards here in 85, like a motherfucker. There's a guy up in Brooklyn. that would give you a $500 master card,

a driver's license, and an insurance card for your car for $500. So we were fucking running with that motherfucker. Every time we had a chance, we'd up there in a fucking broken, buying a new master car with the sticker on it and everything. You had a call to get the code. This is how fucking good they were.

And we would just go around buying it. What do you need? Oh, I was looking to get speakers to play GTA. They're 400. I have them here at 2 o'clock. I want 200. But that was your day. You just made $200.

Where's the Kualudes? Where's the bitches? And where's the half gram of G-bo? Keep it moving. So when I got the Boulder, I told my buddy, things are hard out here. It's wide open. Ain't nobody doing shit out of here.

I can live like a king out of here. I can rob my fucking. So he sent me an envelope of credit cards. So I didn't know. I went to Boulder Mall. I was using them every day. Jewry, Tony Montana suits. You should have seen him.

I had like this shitty apartment. It looked like fucking in, in, uh... Coming to America? Coming to America. I had everything in there, DVDs. 10-foot speakers. Oh, my God. And I had a Chinese roommate.

Yeah, a lot of Chinese guys. I thought he was Japanese. He was Japanese, so I called him Kato. He kept telling me, I need a job. I said, listen. I give you 20 a day. Go to Alfalfas, get a pound of meat, and make me session want beef.

And that was his job. I give him like 10 for the meat. I'm 20 to cook it. I need... I was 22 years old, and I'm using these credit cards at this mall. I nearly sank them all, all right? I was throwing credit cards away and going back there in the bush, getting them and using it still.

Nobody ever called this card in. So finally, I got a call that from Foot Locker, they go, you put an application in when you first moved here, like two months ago. I'm like, oh, shit, I'll take the job of Foot Locker. I get to the mall with one damn there and some people come in. with their kids, you shit, and the lady's got her purse with the deposit bag sticking out.

And the people are helping. I saw, shoot, I took the deposit bag. It was like 800 cash on a Saturday. That's a score. So the cops came in to investigate it, and one of the cops started looking at me. And he goes, bro, you fit the description of a guy that's been using a credit card around here.

Is that you? A referee? I go, no, no. What are you talking? That's how it starts. Then he'd be coming every other week. We're nailing down the sizes of the clothes you bought. We're going to nail you pretty soon.

And then he came in one Saturday to bother me. Next Sunday I was on a plane of San Francisco. I never saw this bitch again until I turned myself in in 87. He's one of the cops. And he's looking at me weird, but he ain't figuring it out. Did you know at that time? You're like, it's him? I know it's him.

And God forbid he remembers this credit card thing. Disconnected with the kidnap. And I'm definitely going away for a while. For months, we'd be in court, and you could see him. He's kind of piece it together. He was one of these lurchy dudes that was big with the military hair doing shit. He had like a peanut for a brain, but, you know, and he kept looking at me scratching his head.

Like, I know this motherfucker. And finally we went to, you know, court and I, whatever, and I went to jail. And then I thought that was done. When I got out, I would see him. And he'd go, they let you out too early. I'm going to catch you again. What's with this guy? He's got a hard on front.

He's just a boy scout. Like Brian Denny. He would ramble. Yeah, he was confused. You know, some of these cops, they're very nice, but they think they're going to save the world. Listen, just work your shit. Oh, he was right.

Work your shift. He was right. You weren't stealing. Yeah. No, he was right, but I'm not going to give you the opportunity to catch me. He even showed up at my, I got, I went to prison in 88. This motherfucker showed up in one of my divorce hearings in 94. What?

To go against me because my ex-wife called him to verify, he's crazy. I'm crazy. So what are he going to do about? What's he going to do about? What's he? He's a fucking cop. You know a psychiatrist? The fuck does he know?

Man, this guy didn't like you. Did not like me. But that's the only cop I ever had a problem. Yeah. I feel like cops love. You got goodwill. You're a guy cop's like and you're a guy who likes cops. Talk about three months ago on a Monday night.

I got a couple edibles in me. I just finished up the, what are you bothering me for? I got an appointment on Wednesday. Who gives a fuck? Every two hours, you got an appointment on Wednesday. That's tomorrow. Oh, with the reminders? Yeah, with the reminders.

Reply one for yes. CVS pharmacy. All day, PhoeV. Two more days we're going to give the prescription. Yeah, two more days. We could deliver it for a little. Leave me alone. It's a lot.

It's the CVS is over there. Oh, my God. I thought the receipts were bad. You guys are fucking lost. I'm going to come in there. I'm going to wait 20 minutes in line. You're not going to have it filled, and you're going to fill it. I go through the drive-thru, like a piff.

I like it. You know what I'm saying? They got a nice drive-through. 10 to fucking eight. I got all day to pick. And it's across my favorite Italian restaurant. So I'm killing two birds of one stone. You know what I'm saying?

I got to go to CBS. I got to get some lobster. I take these on, take these with food days. Yeah, but I got to take you there for lobster stuff shelves. Yeah? His lips started quiver when he said that. He likes them. You had me.

I'm in. Good shit. Stuff shells. What are we talking about? I don't even know. We all got stuff shells on the brain now. We all got all think about red sauce. Oh, man.

How do you feel? You using chat GPT? How do you feel? I don't even know. How do you use that shit? I'm an old man. The credit card thing, just think if, like, technology and, like, all this stuff. Like, you see, you can't even do anything in Manhattan anymore.

The cameras everywhere. Yeah, you can't. It was the 80s. It was wide open, and here's the beauty thing. The guy I was getting the cards from, he worked with a lady at a bank. And it was basically Foley got a new credit card. They made two copies. Yeah.

They sent one to Foley, and they sent one to their... guy. It was a perfect scam. You ran it on a thing. I'm going to tell you what they were doing a lot. They were getting credit cards. As soon as you got the credit card, you got on a plane. Went to JFK and got on a plane to California because in those days when they reported a credit card, it was only reported still

on the East Coast for 24 hours. And for 48 hours, the next time zone. So you had three days to use that card before the alert came out on it. And then even if the card was, listen, I had I walked around with a card that was done,

but I would use it for Chinese lunches. You know, like, for Chinese lunch, $10, $0,000, a fucking egg roll, a bowl of soup, and a cup. I'd go in there all day because under 50, they can't run them, but they were looking a book to see if it was stolen. Come on. There's a thousand numbers in that book, so I would eat on the arm every day with the same credit card.

Some days, throwing some spare ribs. I'm feeling froggy today. You couldn't do it, because that's how they nailed you. They nailed you on the using it if they caught you, but they nailed you on with the clerk. Yeah. The clerk had to remember. Yeah.

Okay. So now with the cameras, yeah, you're done. You pretty much fun. And they know it instantly. Dude, I used to work at Macy's. I remember people, that was like you had to look out. You had to ask for ID, stolen credit cards, this whole nine. And this is in fucking 2008, nine, ten, whatever.

And people would come in and they would scan. They'd try. They'd buy one thing and go like, hey, let me see if this works for like a pair of. of socks. And I go, yeah, $5.99. They go, oh, shit, I forgot. I need $1,000 in gift cards. I go, whatever you need, bud. It's a bit. But it's true. But it's like, that's what they would do. They'd come in and they test it to see if their credit card worked. And if it worked, then I'd let them do it. They go, oh, I need, they go get the Hugo Boss jeans or the gift cards. They go, I don't give

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When my mom first died, I hung out with this kid from the neighbor and we called him the devil, because he really was the devil. I mean, he ended up killing his wife and doing time. Chinese guy. In North Carolina, Irish guy. He owned the Coldstone. He would eat the paper off the cake.

You believe that? What was I talking about? The devil in the neighborhood. The Irish guy. He killed his wife. He was a smart kid, his father-owned. the ship contracting company, which meant was a ship docked.

They went in and fixed the ship. Gotcha. Placed all the valves, cleaned off the barnacles, and they did everything. And he was just a thief. This kid was just, he was robbing his own company. Like his own father's company,

they knew the equipment was gonna be there. Sure. Eight o'clock, we're gonna go rob it and take it to fucking Newark to sell it for the pound. I mean, this kid was a genius at this ship. But one thing he taught me at that age was counterfeit money. Okay. He always got counterfeit 50s and counterfeit hundreds and shit.

And we would go out at night. But he always had a hard time because he was a fucking idiot. He said that so. He would go into stores and the guy would look at it. You can't buy a dollar soda and give the guy a hundred at a buffet in Brooklyn. And he's not going to give you a change. So I devise a system that was better. I'd go right in and tell you, listen, this is a face.

take 100 take 50 for yourself and give me 50 cash nobody knows not I just made him a partner yeah and it worked every fucking night because who doesn't want a 50 piece again I come into you with a stolen credit card I had a girl at Lord and Taylor a girl I grew up with was like a big time at Lord and Taylor any time I got a credit card I brought it to her first and I said buy yourself something whatever you want 300 for buy it and if she would buy it I knew the card was good and we'd go rob and she'd call to see how much limit I had after I bought or something so almost I always made the sales associate a partner smart Jesus why not give him a taste you're rob it's not going to cost you a fucking dime yeah so give them half of it

if I come to a stripper and I go I got a fake hundred give me 50 and you keep 50 watch that bitch roll watch that bitch go to another guy and go you got a hundred I'm gonna change mine and get I mean they're fucking brilliant so strip clubs at that time fucking bodegas listen to fake hundred you could see the president's got a mustache you know what I'm saying if you can't figure it's a broad it's George Washington with a biker dip

and fucking a biker bet nobody gets hurt that's fucking great fucking hilarious what would you be doing if you were young if you were that guy today I would probably

I would learn some different somebody would have taught me something you'd be in some You'd be skimming some sort of Bitcoin. There's always some poor bastard to rob. And with the computer, forget about it. With the computers, there's a thousand scams how to make a million dollars. Legit.

But there's more scams on the computer. Sure. You know, three days, autograph picture of Joe Rogan, then it disappears. You'd be selling a bunch of a fucking... He's calling a picture and autograph, and he's going to call you for 10 minutes, $10,000. See how many idiots, sign up for that program. I'll get sent out. six idiots. He already thought of that shit. I'll send you a headshot with said,

fuck you, stupid. That's the only thing you're getting. That's Joe's 401k. I can say anything. I'm going to hook you up with whatever. Give me 10K and fucking you get a headshot, a fucking autograph and he'll make a 10 minute call. And tell you what's wrong with your life. Shit and fucking. Now you don't call tomorrow. Who are you going to get to do the voice? There's got to be six idiots. The CVS will be called. That'll send you $60.000. Your prescription's ready. Six idiots that'll go. I want to talk to Joe Rogan on the phone.

Gok, and I just made myself 60 bucks. It's over. Then the next day I open up a website. Joe Rogan T-shirts after he wore him on a workout, kettlebells. Fucking, that's another 10 grand the next thing. Because there's fucking people who will... I just had a friend. She's an idiot.

I mean, I like the for a long... That's not a sound bite. I liked it for a long time, but she's a fucking idiot. She's 36 going on 20 between the cock and the stripping and the drugs and the kid. You know, the kid's like autistic. You know, that fucking got to wear you down. That shit rubs off. Can I remember?

No, you don't want this girl's number. How than fuck? But you don't want her number. She's fucking crazy. I met her at a place where I go for health stuff. That's a lot. I did. I did.

I did. I go there for kids. cryo and hyperbaric chamber and i met it about two years ago she's like i want to do i want to do a podcast i need help all right fucking tried to help it was a nightmare but every time i met with her she'd tell me a different story that would make me just sit there and go what the fuck like she's one day we were hanging out she goes something about we were just talking and she said something about a rap you know i said something about a rap and she goes well i ever tell you i dated a Muslim guy and he got me pregnant.

And then they did their I had to get another surgery. And I'm like, what the fuck? It was like three days before Christmas. I'm like, who do you tell his story to him? And then she goes, it's my fault. She goes, it's my fault for dating a Muslim. I'm Jewish.

I can't pay the Muslim anyway. I'm like, okay. You know, that was the shit. My parents would never allow it. Those are throw away lines. Like, she's half a... And she just went... She got a rich boyfriend to buy her tickets for fucking...

Whoever played at the Garden last night. Jay-Z? No, no. That's Yankee Stadium. I don't know who played it. The last three of Ariana Grande. Ah. So she told me.

She goes, I got tickets for Ariana Grande for my birthday. I can't find anybody to go because you're an idiot. With that ass and those tities, you can't find something. line around the block. She's a fucking . So, you know, I wish to luck, whatever. Yesterday, I wake up Monday morning, I got two texts from her and a missed call.

Call me back, when you get a minute, call me back. I didn't know what it was. I called her back. She goes, I went to the concert, and the tickets were fake. He bought $3,000. I go, and then call him. What are you bothering me for?

She's like, I thought maybe you knew somebody. I don't know, buddy. I play the improv. They charge $17 ticket tax. I don't get a dollar. You know what I'm saying? He's got a level up with $3,000? Yeah, I don't know nobody.

He said I play the improv. Yeah, $17 service ticket. I don't get a dollar. What makes you think? I know anybody a fucking ticket smash. You're fighting for a fucking door deal over here. Yeah. Oh.

I'm trying to get a travel buyout. You're buying counterfeit. And you're buying $3,000 worth of the counterfeit tickets. And you want to call Ariana Grande. I don't fucking know. Hit it up on DMA on fucking Instagram. Oh, my. You know, obviously, not to incriminate yourself, but what is the last?

We have to cut all this thing. What's the last thing you stole? It could have been a pack of a guy. You lift, I mean, a lot of people steal it from the airport stuff. Are you doing any of that? I think it was an area. Grondie tickets. Nothing. You're only up and up.

And I love stealing. I mean, it's one of my favorite things in the world. It's like blowjob stealing, you know what I'm saying? Like you loved, I love to steal them, Boots in County, New Jersey. We were raised and bred to steal. It's just that simple. We're like CA. We don't leave nothing on the table.

You know what I'm saying? There ain't nothing for you on the table after that. We'll leave you some bottle of water, maybe a bottle of gin. But after that, you know, you stole everything. a kid my mom was a thief as well off as she did she believed in Cuba if your shoplifted it was good luck yeah so everybody got robbed my mother robbed something stupid she robbed the belt at the Catholic school Jesus like the bell when you have to go to class she said was gonna bring me good luck not the one at the altar that they bring I think so she stole the

bell and kept it for the Mets and every time she'd go to the Mets she'd go to the Mets she'd play the bell and they'd win and they lost like a playoff game in 70s and she told me, take that fucking kiss of death back to your church. That thing brought me bad luck. I'm like, bitch, you've been ringing it all season. The Mets got to the playoffs of 73. And now you're mad at the Mets because they didn't beat the Cincinnati Reds. Are you even like, are you doing a self-checkout at all?

What do you mean? At the supermarket, the story. I mean, it's a shame that I'm such a good shoplifter. And in today's day and AIDS, I can't shoplift them. Now you're going to walk right out the door. Now you just pick up like a fucking ham And it's gonna wave at the people Wave at the Arabian

They can't stop you Don't let it stop me No, they can't stop you But now I don't want a shoplift For a long time after I cleaned my act up I was robbing lighters from 7-Eleven That's respectable I keep you sharp

Because I was a magician I'm a magician That's why they had to put the lighters behind The fucking thing Hey what's that over there Yeah I know how to take a finger Put it in my sleeve You know the whole fucking deal

I mean listen I was really good I remember when I first moved to Boulder, I was doing shit like when Tester Verde did, when Elway did the drive in 87, the whole mall was in the hallway looking at the TV. What do you think I'm doing? I'm in Radio Shack, fucking unplugging the samples of fucking CD players.

I walked out of it with a whole CD player, no box, no nothing. I had the remote in one hand and the CD player into the other arm. I was what you called a strong-armed soldier a death. I did it like it wasn't. happening. I did it right in front of your face. Even when I was a kid, we go to Crazy Eddies. I'm 22 and Paramus and I would walk up to the counter with the album I wanted to buy. But behind that was six albums. I was shoplifting. So I would walk up to the counter and put the albums down, give him the album, pay. He'd give me one with a bag. I'd put the fucking bag down.

I'd pick up the other. I worked this finger string. And I picked up the other six. And I picked up the other six and I turned the album around so while I was walking out, all they saw was the bag, they didn't see the aisle behind that. That's something crazy Eddie would appreciate it. Yeah. And then there was a Pathmark by my house. And they started a record department.

Why? I don't know. A record department? At Pathmark and North Bergen on Dunley Avenue, in 1981, they started a little record department next to the magazine stores. So I would go on the daytime and put all the albums I wanted. And I would put it all the way by the

where the fence was, they'd just put a fence. I could still stick my hand in and take the albums out. So I put all my albums in position, like six or seven of them. I'd go to it and night, get a gallon of milk and fucking take the albums and walk out of that. It's amazing what people aren't watching.

It's fucking amazing. You think people are watching, but they're really not. They're really not. You know, these guys, Luigiini, whatever his fucking name is, Mangini, the guy who shot the CEO of the insurance company.

Shot him right in broad daylight. Never mind, 25 years ago. John Gotti and his crew shot down Paul Costellano at Sparksteakhouse on the other side of Manhattan and nobody saw nothing during Christmas time at 5 o'clock. Allegedly. People see what they want to see. So it's really weird when you do that crazy stuff. You're basically a spirit in the room.

You feel like you're going visible. That's a guy who can steal. We were talking about this last night. that the shit I used to do as a kid. I loved stealing. Loved it. It was like a thrill. I don't give a fuck.

Nothing now? Are you garbage? I'm fucking garbage. You know? You won't steal a Hudson News or nothing? Nothing. Nothing. I like that.

I like you. He's done it. He's been there. So see, that's why when my win show got broken with Saturday, I didn't feel bad. I just kept watching the game because you need one of those every once in a while. Every once in a while, you got to pay a fucking Vig for everything you did in life. It could be a fucking accident on a month. Monday morning when you're going to the dentist,

it could be a flat tire, and you sit there and you want to curse it. Just look up and go, that's the time I fucked that chick in the ass and no condom. Even though I had fucking the herb. You've got to pay your part. No, and I've never had the herb.

I'm just saying, you'll know what you did. Of course. You'll know what you did. Yeah, it's in there. For that fucking thing. I could have lied to somebody. I could have sent somebody a phony fucking bracelet from the hospital.

You know. I love you. You know, it could have been a lot. No, it could have been a lot of things. But if you sit there and go, this fuck what happened to me, it's over. You got to pay it big every once in a long. Got to pay it big for the universe.

The universe is always watching. Sometimes it's just about, I came to New York a year ago. I speeding up like fucking Escobar, up and down Broadway. I'm dodging lights. I get home a month later. I got like eight tickets. And in fact, a cop pulled me over and let me go.

He's like, just slow it down a little bit. I didn't know they had lights on all these fucking things. I got home and had a stack. I didn't yell one time. I didn't try to fight it. I just paid the big. It's a bad fucking day. We all make good money that we don't have to cry over, you know,

how long are you going to be mad about a tire for? That's it. The deep understanding of life, Joe. That's it. You just, every, you did something. The universe is always watching whether you're doing something good or something bad. How many times you do something good, for somebody and they tell you to go fuck yourself and you feel bad but the universe remember this

mother it's like a cat you ever kick a cat they go under the bed and they rise on the note this motherfucker kick me and I'm gonna shit in this fucking mouth one day when he's sleeping six months from yeah cats right under the bed that's why you don't do nothing bad to cats that's awesome Cubans Cuban mom I was you had it right under the bed they're right under the bed they're right under the bed they go under the bed and this motherfucker shit next to me and it's not like a billy goat I'm gonna have to shit next to him one night Let him know what it feels like. He's been eating sushi for three days. Cat shit will get you.

Huh. Geez. You're a fucking... You're one of the most interesting guys there, Joey. What was the last time you smoked to SIG? Two weeks ago in Austin, Texas. Very nice. You still bang every now.

You'll get one every now and then. It tastes good. You know, three days later, my emphysema comes back. I got a fucking hit a valve every morning for two dick. Quah, quah. I'm eating pussy, and all you hear is little whistles. You snore? Yeah, I got sleep battenant.

As he's called. I see like a baby. You know, we're both bigger guys, snores, smoke for a long time, whole nine yards, obviously same boat. Would you ever do that implant thing? I think my sleep apnea is, that's a trick they get you. I like the whole sleep apnea. Again, idiots. You and I, tonight.

You and me, all three of us could devise a mouthpiece. Get a commercial, $50 a day and go on every night and say, me and these three guys develop this with a Korean scientist. You put this in your lung. Listen, sleep apnea. I own all. I got to get the thing. Yeah, you did. I bought the ramp.

Everybody does because they don't want to go to a doctor and get a fucking prescription. You're right. So you think you're going to buy, oh, the Korean mouthpiece, the fucking this, That's that, the Turkish fucking finger up the ass. Yeah, it's always something. Just go get the fucking machine, you fucking idiot. Shout out to ResMed. Yeah, go get the fuck.

Resmed, oh my God. And now I can't get a prescription. All right, but then it's a communist move, too. Because every year they... It's about to go Chinese. Every year, the insurance makes you take a sleep study test. Next time you go to the sleep study doctor, he's going to go, when was the last time you got a sleep study test?

and you'll think about me. If you don't take that test because it's such a nightmare, they take the mask off you and they put all those wires on you, then they fucking chill you to death, then they cut you off. You finally fall asleep

and they cut the fucking oxygen off on you. It's a nightmare. So I did it one time. I can never do it again. I've been in that room smelling cologne, I've been to like six of them. What do you mean? Smelling other dudes there?

You know, because they go in there and they don't fucking vacuum the room or whatever. You're just going in there to sleep and they're watching. with a bunch of tubes, it smells like piss. So fucking, the last one I did, they threw me out after an hour because I'm not going to sleep without the machine. I'm not doing that to myself at this point,

which means you can't get another machine. Insurance will not give you another. I got an answer for you either. Talk after the show. No, I did what you did. I went on the Chinese, I got the exact same machine. I got two, three machines, two travel ones. Well, one travel one and one backup.

The one goes, I got one ready to fucking rock. I got the mask, got the whole thing. Yeah, we went on secondhand marketplace and bought the same fucking machine. Yeah, they have them set up automatic. Set up automatic. So all this bullshit they make you go through for insurance per-just to bang your insurance. To all the P. I'm paying three grand a month for fucking insurance.

I got no SAG. SAG left me out to fucking drive. So I got no fucking insurance. So, you know, I'm not doing all that shit. Sure. Plus, you can, now, if I've been using the mask for so long, I go to sleep without it. I wake up. Do you go to sleep without it?

If I fall asleep, if I happen to fall asleep without, I wake up. Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Do you put a little oxygen in your water? Well, oxygen in my water. Water in the oxygen. You go to fucking whatever health food store and you get that extra purple oxygen drops and you put them in there. That helps.

I haven't been using the water. I just raw dog. No, no, no, put the water. And I did the same shit. years you wake up with blisters in your mouth you think you're eating some fucking hookah's asshole up on a hundred and fucking 78th street you got more blisters than fucking Bonnie blue you know what I'm saying? Shout out through it.

Oh Jesus Christ. You clean yours? Yeah, I clean mine. Yeah. But then that company, they canceled it. They had a company that you put the wire in the mask in it night like a barber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever go to the barb and they have that chemical in there? The automatic my dad.

All of a sudden, they went out of business. So something. There was some fungus or bacteria or something was building up in there. I don't know. Sounds pretty. Not playing ball. I mean, I got a couple, you know, one or two left here. I mean, you know, how do you feel about the Savannah bananas?

Don't have any idea what that is. Don't talk to me like that. Fair enough. I'm glad you're living a life. don't notice a vanna bananas. It's in his world, man. He is the world. I know.

Let's say you go out to dinner, right? Let's say we all went out to dinner, right? The three of us. We decide we're paying, right? I go, they drop the check, we go and we pay. Are you, how many times are you going, are you fake reaching for it? Are you just going to let us grab it?

I'll go grab it. I'll try to grab it myself. And we say, no, no, no. How many times will you do that? No, I'm not going to argue with you. I'll just give the guy to. card, you know. But if you buy dinner, I'll leave a double tip.

Classy guy. Okay? You're buying dinner. The fuck is right. It's like people that go to a restaurant and they get, everybody pays you for your dinner. You don't leave nothing for the waiter because somebody paid for your dinner. I leave them the amount of the dinner.

Smart. So whatever I was going to pay for that dinner with my wife and my daughter, I leave to the fucking... Really? Yeah, why not? Everybody needs a fucking break. Holy shit. Everybody wants to score one day.

right everybody and your job is to make everybody's day one time that's beautiful okay your job is to make somebody laugh one time a homeless guy you give him a five instead of a one one time that's it that's your job as a human being because i could told joe we're in the carma business we're not in the comedy business we're in the karma business you see people with shithead look at mcgreger he's in the he's in the carma business you saw what happened so what happened and I'm not mad at them or anything like that but we're in the karma business as comedians I love going into a store

and seeing an 80 year old lady and going you sexy bitch if I was 10 years younger I'd fucking take you to the hoop and they're like oh stop it you just made her blush her husband hasn't complimented her in a year she's 80 who gives her fuck

she got dust on her pussy no sweat off my bag she ain't got you like take this old bra for a run You know? Anybody. He just makes their day. Yeah.

And that fucking increases your day by 100%. You got $10. A homeless guy asks you for a dollar. You get him five. Forget it. Then you're like, I'm left for five bucks. Watch what happens. Watch what happens between three hours.

That's when you two motherfuckers call me and take me for the best steak ever. That's Smith and Willinsky. And then I won't have, I only have a $5 tip for them and shit. You know what I'm saying? You think we're going to start? space would you go to space if you could I've been to space motherfucker I've been to space Jupiter fucking Ludville cokeville I've no credit car machines

yeah I've been to planets these motherfuckers what's his name Eroy Smith what's like E. Roy Smith what's his Elon Musk whatever's fucking that Martian looking motherfucker he's a Martian himself fucking Eroy whatever's fucking name That might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. E. Roy Smith. Look at him.

He kind of made up Chinese. He's got bitches. He doesn't even care. He's got a kid that's a half a tranny. He don't care about that. That's an alien. He's AI himself. Uncle Joey, I think you figured it all out.

E. I really think you figured life out. Man. I haven't figured shit out. If I figured something out, I wouldn't. be here with you got fucking. I'd be in India getting my ass eating right now with a snake. Eat a fucking hot dog. Bringing some breads to India.

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, Mr. Joey Diaz. Oh, my God. You get him every week of the church of what's happening now? You got dates coming up? I got the Brooklyn Improb tomorrow night. Nice. Which I don't know if you'll come out.

And then I got Oceans the 7th and the 8th of August. Shout out to it, baby. And I'm fucking row. You guys opened that weekend. Where are you, motherfuckers out? That's it. You're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're around somewhere. I might have a little party down there. Let us go. I love, I know you guys don't live down there, do you? No, we're here. Your families. We're all over the place. We're from Philly.

So, yeah, close-ish. Boys like a drive. Gang, thanks for everything. Check out to Patreon. I want to mute. And fucking. We love you. Why are you doing this?

Because you wear it. What the fuck? You just went radio silent. I shot a peptide today. I don't know what happened. I forgot we were here. Get no shit. That's why I stepped in, bozo.

Gang, Uncle Joey, we love you. I love you. I love you motherfuckers, too. Jipy, I love you. I love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.