Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Joey Diaz Returns!

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Joey Diaz! You know Uncle Joey from The Joe Rogan Experience, Uncle Joey's Joint, This is Not Happening, Your Moms House w/ Tom Segura, Bert...cast w/ Bert Kreischer and of course his new book "Tremendous" OUT NOW! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! Through the Roof Tour: Follow Kevin: Follow Foley: Live Shows: PATREON: MERCH: Get 50% off your 1st box by going to and use code GARBAGE50 Mint Mobile: Rocket Money: Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Big announcement gang, the Through the Roof tour is on sale right now. Grab the squad and come out and see the boys. Stand up comedy show, you got me, Kippy Theebone, Tommy C. Then we play a little AYG with the crowd. It's a good, good time. Yes, our biggest tour to date. We're super excited. We hope to see everybody again.
Starting point is 00:00:18 We're going to Charlotte, Nashville, Tampa, Atlanta, Providence, New Haven, Boston, New York, Rochester, Syracuse, Albany, Baltimore, Portland, I ain't done yet! Seattle, Vancouver, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Red Bank, New Jersey, all tickets are available at, Get On Gang, we want to see you out there. More cities coming soon. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Starting point is 00:00:51 Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find out that you're gonna be classy. Yeah. Or just a big old piece of trash. I'm your hostage fully coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the
Starting point is 00:01:13 new edition. She is upstairs playing doctor with the repair man. Okay. I'm not calling him dad. I'll tell you that right now. Fair enough. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He's an international businessman. And when the feds asked me, it was all his idea. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang?
Starting point is 00:01:32 Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you're ready to subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube, as you know those numbers are. Trudder roof. Cookin' and obviously the greatest website of all time, slash RU Garbage.
Starting point is 00:01:43 Gang, check it out. It's a party over there. Woo-wee. Having a nice quick shout out to our producer extra ordinary old magic man makes us all look good works to ones The twos the threes and the fours he crosses the T's and he dots the eyes give it up for T bone McScruffins Toby McMullen everybody Let's go what up boys? Yeah, uncle Joey We walked in him he was a small hundred He walked in and hit me with a small hundry. He said, pipe down, kid. Keep it moving.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Beautiful fucking day to be alive. And that's why I came over, because I heard the weather was really going to be nice. Fuck it, I might go see the boys. Get some sunshine. Walk around the city, get a hot dog, shit some blood for a few weeks. Every time you eat from those stands.
Starting point is 00:02:20 Like, I just go to the stands, and I'm like, all right. Give me the diarrhea. Clean me out. Inquiring my joy. Like I just go to the stands and I'm like, all right. Give me the diarrhea. Clean me out. Enquiring my. Gang, the long hair ain't lying because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He is a legendary standup comedian.
Starting point is 00:02:36 Got a brand new podcast to check in. Do me a favor. Give it up for the one. The only Mr. Joey D. Everybody. There you guys. There he is. Thanks for coming. Joe. Wanted to bring it back. Joey wanted to figure a There he is. Thanks for coming Joey.
Starting point is 00:02:45 Wanted to bring it back Joey. Wanted to figure a little more dirt under those fingernails. Oh please. That's the best line that God fought. Which one? When Vito calls the big guy over and he goes, I want you to go talk to Sillazo. See what he's got under his finger.
Starting point is 00:03:02 Ah yeah. I never picked up all that. Luca Brazzi. Yeah. Tell him you're unhappy with our family. Yeah. See what he's got under his finger. Ah, yeah. I never picked up all that. Luca Brazzi. Yeah. Yeah. Tell him you're unhappy with our family. Yeah. See what he's got under his finger.
Starting point is 00:03:10 Man, they saw him coming, didn't they? He got caught. Jesus. Real quick. I love the way those shoes sound when he's walking down that hallway back into that back bar, that squeak. They just don't, they don't do it like that anymore. Bro, that movie is brilliant.
Starting point is 00:03:21 The best. Did you ever see that, the making of The Godfather? Yeah. I even, I watched this show on Paramount, I think it was on, The Offer, about the making of. Really good. Fucking phenomenal. Really good. Everybody was great.
Starting point is 00:03:35 It was a great thing. Fucking. And it became one of the greatest movies of all time. The best. If that's all, you have to, if I'm flipping on anything and I see that, I gotta, if it's on a plane, I gotta put it, I gotta put it on stop Especially if that scene where they all laugh at Michael
Starting point is 00:03:49 We tell them how about I go in there and shoot them. Yeah, and they all fucking laugh on them That is my fucking favorite of all time that in the night that they that they that they go after Salatso and was it McCluskey, whatever the the Police chiefs name was that Chinese food that they're eating So good. They got a couple of tall boys couple of I definitely would have had an appetizer at that Italian place to be in the way he describes it. Oh my god Family joint everybody minds your own business foods really good. I'll shoot them after
Starting point is 00:04:33 Can always get a terrible suit coming. What are we doing here? We wanted to kick it off and ask a little bit more about now Mm-hmm. Take us through the start of your day. How do you kick things off in the morning? What's the daily routine? I get up about a quarter to seven, six thirty. Okay. Up in Adam. Six fifteen sometimes. What time are you going to bed?
Starting point is 00:04:54 Uh, eleven thirty maybe. Okay. But there's more to the story. Alright. And then I get up, I drink up a coffee coffee I go outside to the backyard It's freezing back there. I look around I tell myself how grateful I am that I don't have to get on the plane today Mm-hmm, and then the fucking house wakes up. It's time to go to school. Mm-hmm Olivia fucking Rodrigo playing in my daughter's room this fucking
Starting point is 00:05:22 Whatever news on my wife is a fucking political junkie. Okay, and then I'm downstairs blasting black Sabbath Fucking head bang about eight my daughter comes down. I'm leaving for school I walk right through the bus and I walk right down into the garage and I start blasting off and fucking bang it Because while they're upstairs, I'm washing the bong I'm getting ready for the new day of war Cleaning a rifle what do you got going on in this garage? You got a couch you set up or you just I just smoke in the garage Cuz it's cold now, but in the summer I go in the backyard like a doctor back yard Just fucking freezing right now. It's freezing. So I just go in the garage and hit it Even though I got so high last week. I just go in the garage and hit it.
Starting point is 00:06:05 Even though I got so high last week, I ran over the fucking garage door. Oh my God, I was headed to Jiu Jitsu in a rush. I was high as fuck. And my garage door opener is part of the rear view mirror. So I pressed it, and then I put my seatbelt on, I put the phone in, I do everything so the door opens up But when I went to adjust the rear view mirror, I must have hit it
Starting point is 00:06:30 So it started going down as I was going in reverse. I didn't fuck up the truck or anything Just the garage door has to get big so okay After I smoke my dope I go on I go on draft Kings play a little roulette. Okay, man. Joey's doing it right. Busy morning, I like it. Play a little fuckin' triple.
Starting point is 00:06:51 Rip a couple bingers, lay a couple parlays. No, no, no, no, nothing that shit. I just gotta get the day started. The juice is flowing away. Yeah, wheel of fortune. I got that going. You laying any serious cash down or just a couple bucks? What's that?
Starting point is 00:07:08 No, a dollar slide, $25 is good. Sometimes I win 80, sometimes I lose all 25. Sometimes I just bet that, you know, it's just something to get you going in the morning. I write my goals, I eat my breakfast, my wife leaves to work, especially now she's consulting. So she leaves about a quarter to nine,
Starting point is 00:07:27 I shoot upstairs, eat my little breakfast, wash my pussy, avocado toast, two eggs, sunny side up, and a fruit bowl. There you go. Pretty good. And water, that's it. It's the same shit every day if I switch it out. No, my wife makes it for you. If if I make then the other alternative is two eggs
Starting point is 00:07:48 An English muffin with a piece of ham gentlemen. That's not bad Is that Taylor ham you're getting down on doing pork rolling. No, I do the real fucking thick ham So she sets breakfast up for you leaves it upstairs on the plate for you. Yeah, yeah, that's all right. Any cleanup you gotta do or anything like that? Yeah, I do a little cleanup, nothing serious. We got the dish wash and the whole fucking thing. Okay.
Starting point is 00:08:14 Rinse my coffee cup out. And then it depends what I got going on. Sometimes I go right to the gym at nine o'clock. All right. I'll get nice and fucking high and bring my little fucking earphones and I'll go right to the gym and do 30 minutes on the bike
Starting point is 00:08:31 just to open up the day to see how I feel. I'm 61 so you gotta loosen up all the joints and shit. It's not like you can only get on a bike and drive to New York City, those days are done. And then I decide what I really wanna do. Do I wanna lift weights or do I wanna go to do. Do I want to lift weights? Or do I want to go to jiu-jitsu at 12? Okay, and I got like stupid shit. I got like doctors appointments You got to talk to people about the book. You know, I always got that shit somewhere in there
Starting point is 00:08:57 But that's the basis of my day, you know, pretty much. Mm-hmm. I go home a break I lunch at home home protein smoothie or something bro coconut water with some raspberries and some protein powder of a coconut vanilla fucking delicious pretty good no calories really just a protein powder doesn't matter what I do I got to be home by 315 because my daughter gets off the bus right so you drop her off every morning to get her to the on the bus and take her off the bus. Yeah, but the bus comes right to the front of the house. It's like living like a doctor. We don't go anywhere.
Starting point is 00:09:30 You get along with the bus driver? Yeah, Josh. I like that. He greets with me. Greets him at all? You grease him? Every once in a while I get him a little greasy and we give him a Christmas present.
Starting point is 00:09:40 Yeah, I was gonna say, who do you grease around the holidays? Who's getting a little payout everybody everybody? Everybody I show up with a fucking two ounces of weed And everybody gets a joint two joints and eight Everybody wants weed for Christmas Once a tire a fucking teachers bus driver Cardiologists announced. Yeah, I got tickets to the Yankees in November. Who gives a fuck about May?
Starting point is 00:10:05 It's December 25th. I got a wait till May. How about going to fucking spring training? It's fucking hot. I got to go in a bus to get. Just give me weed. I go on my own fucking journey. No, the cardiologists, those people, yeah,
Starting point is 00:10:18 sometimes I give them weed. What? So, everybody. I got everybody on the edible program. I got people on weed program. The girls who cut my hair, I always drop off weed to them. I got like six people that I just, if I get weed, I drop it off to them.
Starting point is 00:10:36 No money, I don't want anything. Really? Because I know that they bust their ass, what they're doing. Sure. Two of them are like my headdresses. The one girl's like 28, 28 fucking she's like my best friend Yeah, well, I'm never forget going over the first haircut and she was about to wash my hair She didn't say anything to me and she looked at me. She goes. What the fuck are you doing here?
Starting point is 00:10:57 Why are you in Marlboro, New Jersey? Run yeah, and I'm like I like it here. Oh my God. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. What's wrong with you? And it was great. Because I had a lot of anxiety when I came and she just took it away. But just telling me, you know, the fuck are you doing here with these? You should be in LA. Get your dick sucked. I mean, really selling the town.
Starting point is 00:11:20 So yeah, those people, you know, people like the guys at the gym. Take care of it. They get straightened out. If I get mushrooms We're not living us we live in a society now that Listen, you have heroin. No, but I got a friend who does yeah Yeah, and I really don't know anybody who does everyone anymore I'm sure you can make a call. We all have a friend that does reefer and we all have somebody who does muscle And when they come over you want to have something for them so hot There's people I give weed to no, like I just give it to my brother long when he comes over Yeah, he goes in the backyard and he comes back. He don't say nothing after whatever you put in there is perfect
Starting point is 00:12:02 because he won't talk nothing after whatever you put in there is perfect because he won't talk to them. Perfect. Thinks the world's closing in on him. Do you guys entertain a lot at the house? You have people over a lot? Kids. Kids. That's it.
Starting point is 00:12:14 Your daughter's friends and all that stuff. My daughter and then she disappears. They come over, talk to us for one minute. The upstairs, down the basement, whatever. They go to the basement. We did the basement for them so they go down there. Nice. They knock themselves out there snacks
Starting point is 00:12:25 There's waters. There's a coffee machine. There's everything downstairs downstairs. Yeah The base snacks what kind of snacks we talking you talking healthy snacks or you talking like fuck kids snacks popcorn I don't need fucking popcorn Popcorn's all right. I don't like popcorn. You don't like to try colored with the cheddar and the caramel in the regular? That's a good one. There you go.
Starting point is 00:12:50 You're tasting. No Christmas time. My brother, Bob Lelingus, sends me a tub for Christmas every year. And you have to mix them. Like when you eat one is good, but you eat two it's even better. The worst thing about that, I had a tub this year.
Starting point is 00:13:04 And you know, over the holidays, you got nowhere to be. So you double up on the edibles, right? You got nowhere to be. You go up at night, you fucking start eating that popcorn. No, it's trouble. And you wake up in the morning, it's all over the floor. It's your call greasy and shit. Your wife's like, what the fuck happened
Starting point is 00:13:19 in my kitchen last night? You don't want to know. And then you wake up, I can't believe I ate all the chicken cutlets. And you eat these up, I can't believe I ate all the chicken cutlets. And you eat these combinations of food that just do not, like, you know, you ever go to like a health class, they're like, you know, your place should consist of 60% approaching.
Starting point is 00:13:36 Sure. 30 carb and 30, whatever the fuck they call them. The shit you eat at night when you're high and you're not responsible for it. Like you just mix shit. Yeah. Cutlets and peanut butter. Catch up and fucking, you know, you're like, I can't believe I hate that shit last night.
Starting point is 00:13:52 It seemed pretty good at the time. Yeah, it was probably great at the time. Who's doing the cutlets over there at the house? You doing? My wife does. I guys, I don't cook. She a home run in the kitchen. You know, it's like a 50.
Starting point is 00:14:04 It's like a 75. I don't cook, you know. My wife has this modern kitchen. OK. When we moved into the house, the house had a modern kitchen. You lost me. I know how to put the water on like if I want to make soup or something. You don't know how any of the stuff works.
Starting point is 00:14:24 The fucking oven. Last time I put it on, I got home, the water on like if I want to make soup or something you don't know how any of the stuff works The fucking oven last time I put it on I got home the whole house was 100 degrees What the fuck I told you don't want me touching shit. I went to the garage door. I broke the fucking recliner twice You know, I'm just one of those people when I go buy a car and they go 60,000 no, let me get the 20,000, well, you cheap? No, because I know when this is gonna end up, I'm gonna fucking gorilla. I was driving through the garage door. I got a heavy foot, I got a bad right eye.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Any of my cars always have a dent on the right side. They got dents on them? I'm always hitting the garbage can. I'm fucked, you know. Well, you need a Mercedes, what? So it's all dented up? Yeah. What the fuck? Are you taking the cans out at night? You did it. What are you? What are your daily chores that you got the can vacuum? I do some laundry
Starting point is 00:15:13 Take the garbage out Shit like that didn't shit didn't snow this year. Uh-huh, no shoveling, but you would handle that Yeah, I would handle you have a snowblower just to show a snowblower blow we do we didn't bust it out this year the first snow we did it by hand well I got everybody out to my wife and my daughter I could die out there fuck you I do a couple plows they supervise sprinkled a salt that'll be enough fucking show I shovel snow for a living in 83 no shit and aspen that's a great job in Aspen 15 bucks. Oh Jesus damn 15 bucks and 83 and I was casing our joints They leave they go and scheme who skis leaves a kilo in the house only
Starting point is 00:15:57 skiers drug dealers in 83 So he's walking around with men's in a shovel in August Assault mr. Melton it I don't know what happened I like it damn, okay, okay. All right. That's pretty solid. She gets home at 3 30 We rest till four okay four I got to take an MMA three days a week take her to MMA and then I got to take it a baseball practice twice a week Because they practice inside and then she plays basketball once a week and they have two practices.
Starting point is 00:16:28 So my nights are pretty much fucking smart. You're pretty locked down, yeah. And then on the weekends, the weekends are like fucking weekends at Bernie. It doesn't stop. She got a lot going on. It doesn't fucking stop. You get along with the baseball coach?
Starting point is 00:16:42 No, I already went off on it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. In fact, we gotta move teams. Fucking stop you get along with the baseball coach. No, I really went off I apologize for my friend That chicken goes south real quick I got these as a nephew's that do it and it's like it's you know A lot of egos with the parents with the coaches with the whatever it's it's been a fucking education Cuz you really you know I saw it. I did the show. I did a couple kid shows For Disney fucking. I remember one time they made you do a background check I tried to pull it out. Well, I'm pulling out, I'm like, why am I even reading?
Starting point is 00:17:26 They're gonna fucking figure out I got foul knees and not hook. It was Nickelodeon, the early Selena Gomez shit. One of those early shows. Nobody even knew it was Selena Gomez. Neither did I either. Wizards of Waverly Place, something like that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:41 Wizards of Waverly. So I get there, and I'm like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Why embarrass my agent and myself? But I'm listening. People going in there and auditioning them because I always sit by the door to listen and I listen to see if they're all doing the same read. If they're all doing the same read, I switch it up. Yeah, I do the same thing. I always ease drop. I switch it and I fucking go in in there. And I remember, I was listening, and I was getting ready to leave, and I'm gonna, but these people who auditioned are so fucking bad. I gotta go in there just to prove it to myself
Starting point is 00:18:12 that I can knock them out of the park. Went in there, did great. I'm like, they're never gonna call me again. They called me and gave me three episodes. There you go. I'm like, what about the felonies? And they're like, don't worry about them. Yeah, we'll look over it.
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Starting point is 00:20:30 So here's the Turkey gang. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get that plan shipped to your door for free, go to slash garbage. That's slash garbage. Cut your wireless bill to just 15 beans a month at slash garbage. garbage additional taxes fees and restrictions can apply see mint mobile for details do it sure one of the things we've been asking is who before you started doing comedy or got in show business who was the most famous
Starting point is 00:20:57 person you met did you meet like a singer at some point even it can be local like somebody would be in like a local newscaster or you know I remember seeing Jay Leno in New York in 93 No shit. I was headed to an open mic and he was just walking the street. I go Jay Put me on the show It's me Joey and he goes why and I go I'm gonna be a fucking Cuban comic I'm gonna be the best and he goes I'm friends with a lot of Cuban comics and he walked away from Met what's his name Robin Williams no shit what and when in 83 83
Starting point is 00:21:41 Aspen, Colorado, I was working at Captain video a video video rental And he was walking by fucking sweating And I ran after him with the box of Moscow on the Hudson and I go can you sign this? with the store He goes no and he turned around walked away from me. He's stunk So bad His body odor God rest his soul dunk so bad his body odor God rest his soul. I'm not saying anything bad about it.
Starting point is 00:22:07 In 83 he was high on coke all the time, you know, running hot. His he was a hairy guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll never forget that he had like a shirt and he you could smell everything. Pits and stuff like that. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:22:21 I don't know who I knew that was famous. That's pretty good. Jay Leno and Robin Williams. Yeah, but I didn't know that But yeah, I waved at him. You know, you interacted with him. Oh, no, I went to Janet Jackson concert in 95 I'm fucking sitting there minding my own business. I got great tickets and all of a sudden who sits in front of me Andy Garcia I'm like, oh shit So I waited a couple minutes when I think it was Tony Tony Tony Opened up the Janet. I waited and then I asked him what are you doing in Denver?
Starting point is 00:22:51 He was telling me was there shooting the movie. No shit and the movie was things to do in Denver when you're dead Oh my god. It was on a couple weeks boat drinks. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm beat up the bodies. Yeah, tree Williams Yeah. Oh my god. That's not a beach up the bodies. Yeah. Treat Williams. I've never seen it. Oh. What year are we talking?
Starting point is 00:23:07 It was like, I think early 90s, right? Yeah, I was too young for that. 95, 96, it came out, made it to the movies for about a week or two, and it got played. It was too dark. It was one of those indie kind of cult, you know, around the time. Christopher Walken, the chick, before she got on that MTV show the
Starting point is 00:23:25 playmate from Chicago that was like her first acting role I can't remember Jenny McCartney Jenny McCarthy was Andy Garcia damn oh my god treat Williams like disappeared after Prince in the city I was always a fan of his in fucking things to do in Denver, Treat Williams is possibly the top five character. He's awesome. He plays a guy named, It's like a real psycho.
Starting point is 00:23:52 Yeah, he plays a guy named, not Bedbug. Critical Bill. Critical Bill. Wow. Cause he puts everybody in a critical condition. Holy shit. And when they first go visit him, he works in a fucking funeral parlor.
Starting point is 00:24:07 And there's a guy dead and he's got him hung up and he's working out in the back with him. And they come in, Andy and William Forsyte, coming in and they're like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, what, I'm working out. And they say, oh no, no, no, no. And then he does this thing, they tell him, Bill, you know, come to this meeting tomorrow. He shows up to the meeting after the meeting they go outside
Starting point is 00:24:29 He goes, can I talk to you Andy? You know Andy? I see you and Andy goes. Yeah, what's up? He goes listen When we do this, I want to be one of the cops like Bill You're still fucking crazy. You're beating up on corpses. He goes you don't understand man ever since the prison shrink Put me on that program. I have a little live person Just fucking lose it if you have any sense of humor he delivers it so good Going back to when you were heavy on the road
Starting point is 00:24:59 We want to ask you a little bit about hotels how you like to operate that you have a favorite hotel a little bit about hotels. How you like to operate? Did you have a favorite hotel? You know? Would you do an Airbnb? I can't peg you as an Airbnb guy. Airbnb wasn't around then. Gotcha.
Starting point is 00:25:11 You know, so. Yeah, I like certain hotels. I like the. Would you do the early check-in? Would you ask for the early check-in? I'm barely I got that. He's showing up Saturday for a Friday night show. First off when I was a feature actor starting the headline I
Starting point is 00:25:35 Lost my ATM card every week. All right. So when I got to the club I go you're not gonna believe this I lost my ATM card in advance for 200 just to get the party started. I like that move, that's all right. And do they always play ball or something? Yeah, oh my God, you lost your wallet. Where did you leave it? And even if I had my wallet, I had a dollar with that ATM. Sure.
Starting point is 00:25:56 That was the only thing. That thing's empty. Yeah. I liked these hotels aren't the animal. There was one in Houston that was everybody's favorite hotel. It was an old hotel that fucking Willie Nelson stayed at. Oh shit. And if you stayed at the last stop,
Starting point is 00:26:14 you stayed at that hotel. That was the hotel for the club. This type of hotel that if you went back to your room, did a line of coke, grabbed a beer and went out to the lobby. Even if it was three in the morning, somebody would come out and talk to you. No shit. Hey man, How you doing? You want to drink a beer come back to my room? And they got like an orgy going on Every night was like that at the Houston hotel. It got flooded years ago with the rain. They sold it
Starting point is 00:26:38 there was a couple hotels that was there was a hotel in Tucson, Arizona It was a stone cold crack hotel. As soon as you checked in 10 minutes later, how you doing? I'm in room 13. I got a twitch. You know, if you could help me out with some toilet,
Starting point is 00:26:56 but it was always. I mean, that's your jammed up if you're in a hotel. It was a great hotel because girls would stay there and they would get scared at night. They'd knock on your door. Hey, can I stay with you tonight? I'm kinda scared. You're not a hotel. It was a great hotel because girls would stay there and they would get scared at night. They'd knock on your door. Hey, can I stay with you tonight? I'm kinda scared. You're not gonna try nothing.
Starting point is 00:27:08 Me, never. You know, shit like that. Like, it was just dumb. Like, I didn't really have a favorite. Now, if you asked me what hotels are when I went on the road with Rogan. Yeah, sure. Nice.
Starting point is 00:27:19 I'm assuming about that. My favorite? Yeah. Four seasons in Denver. Let's go. Why? Hit me why, Joey. Why, Joey?
Starting point is 00:27:26 Why? Joey, tell me why. Because they got an espresso machine on every fucking floor. OK? So in the morning, I don't go down, I'm going to go downstairs and talk to nobody. I don't got to hear a story. I don't got to walk down there with bad breath.
Starting point is 00:27:41 I walk into the hallway. I get my double espresso. I drink it. I go back, check my messes. I roll a joint. Now I go downstairs. Prepared to face America. That's pretty good. I do my fucking coffee downstairs. You talk to people but to go downstairs cold. That's tough. Bad breath because I don't want to brush my teeth before I drink coffee. No point. So and then people want to talk to you. How'd you sleep last night? Listen, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna brush my teeth before I drink coffee. So, and then people wanna talk to you. How'd you sleep last night?
Starting point is 00:28:05 Listen, it doesn't matter. I'm here with you drinking coffee. What's with the questions early in the morning? Real different from the Houston cracks. Just leave me alone. Say hello and go that way. You know, that's why I don't go to Jiu-Jitsu in the morning. Everybody shows up with bad breath.
Starting point is 00:28:18 You imagine rolling when somebody getting hit with a shot of bad breath in the morning. It's a tough look. I used to love working out early with people, but you're gonna get 10 people that don't, they're not gonna bathe. Yeah, cause you're going to work out. I used to work out with a girl in the mornings,
Starting point is 00:28:29 kickboxing, and about half hour into the class, you could start smelling her monkey. You could start, and I would go by her just to double check, throw a sidekick at me. Yeah, her monkey's on fire. Ha ha ha ha. Air B and B's. Air B and B's. Yeah, air B and B's. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:28:45 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Air B&B's. Yeah. Air B&B.
Starting point is 00:28:50 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:28:54 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:28:58 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:29:02 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh take the top off and it's nothing. Yeah. It's no big, I mean this is the distance.
Starting point is 00:29:08 There, lift it, take the water and fill it. But when I get up I can't do that. It's like I start pressing the wrong buttons. I put ice in the car. Got the oven on. It's gotta be easy. Then after I take my three sips. You start waking up a little bit.
Starting point is 00:29:24 Then you can talk to me, then I can smoke my ree sips you start waking up a little bit then you could talk to me Then I could smoke my reefer Well, you take a dip in the hotel. Do you like a dip in the hotel? They got something and I use the gym use the gym do the hot tub. Yeah, take a free breakfast downstairs You like it fuck. Yeah, he does fuck. Yeah, you make a waffle or no There's a fucking hotel right here Edgewater Edgewater's nice. Yeah, I'm gonna ferry. There's a hotel. I would always stay after years
Starting point is 00:29:53 I don't know about now fucking you stay next to Tito point a Mambo music and people practicing climbing walls outside. You live with a bunch of Spanish Spider-man Spider-man whatever his fucking name is. What we talking about? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fucking oatmeal. You like you eat oatmeal and get healthy? Yeah. You ate all oatmeal again. Yeah, yeah. Sticking to you. Heavy cream. A little butter. Ice cream. Yeah. Butter. It was fucking delicious. Cinnamon. Are you a cream of wheat guy back in the day? Like a cream of wheat? I like all that shit. Yeah, me too. Cream of wheat. Now they make those little individual oatmeal with more protein. Yeah, little packets. Little packages. Yeah. Do those two quickly in the morning. They're all right. All meals good because it lasts for a while. Yeah. Not in little
Starting point is 00:30:49 packets. I gotta eat four of those motherfuckers. Sure. Yeah. Crush. Four of those motherfuckers. That shit'll go with you till two o'clock. Yeah. I do the, I used to do the apples in cinnamon when I was a kid. Quaker Oats. Put like two of those in there. I like the brown sugar. Oh yeah. Delicious. Good stuff. Were pop tarts or toast your strudel guy Pop tarts gentlemen The right answer like to hear it. Hmm. You put chips on a sandwich You're making a sandwich at the house. You put potato chips on it depends wise
Starting point is 00:31:17 Gotta be wise. I gotta be wise. Okay. I like Pringles, but not on my sandwich You can't do Pringles on a little ball potato little bar potato chips, those sour cream and onions are good, but not on your sandwich. You don't like a kettle cooked with the crunch? No? I'm a wise potato chip, loyalist. And do you put your foot down as far as things like that? Like at the store, like you gotta get the wise,
Starting point is 00:31:38 you gotta get this, you gotta get that. Oh, wise, onion and garlic. Okay. Yeah, yodels. I just discovered yodels again Delicious and my daughter loves the effect I had one last night before I went to bed. Yeah, they're all right fuck Yeah, I like a ring ding shout out about a reading dude. I'm a yodel. Yeah I thought you'd be a ring ding guy, huh? Well you a tasty cake man, you know tasty
Starting point is 00:32:04 Okay, very filling all right you have a favorite kind of frozen pizza Don't do frozen pizza You're no one elio's nothing like that living the capital. I know Listen, I'm Cuban. I don't want to salt Italian people. Don't do it fair enough Don't do it. Don't do that. And you got the spot out there that you like a pizza from my show, right? I got a couple spots.
Starting point is 00:32:28 Yeah. A couple spots. Listen, I'm not a pizza fanatic. I don't want to be people, you know. When I lived here and I was growing up, I always had a few slices. Crush it. Two o'clock.
Starting point is 00:32:39 The whole Joe's for dinner, always. Now, you know, it's not like I'm going to drive 20 miles. While we went to this eat some Paula, oh my god it was great it was a 20 minute wait fuck you it's a slice you know slices I'm the same way give me the dollar you give me this slice it's a functional thing yeah if I gotta give you money at the counter and then you gotta call me when the pizza's ready and all that shit you're out they're in a slice a slice is on slice is on the move. He's not wrong. He's not wrong.
Starting point is 00:33:06 He's got good points. You like to work out. Do you remember back in the day, your first piece of exercise equipment, whether it was like the old bench or like something off TV? All right. When you're Cuban, you're not allowed to lift weights
Starting point is 00:33:21 till you're like 18. Your parents are like, no, no, wait. So I said, fuck that. In the eighth grade, I took, you know, those sliding closets. Yeah. Yeah. Take the sliding closet. You take it off the hinges and I would take two chairs, put them on
Starting point is 00:33:35 each side and I would bench press with that shit. I would almost kill myself just to bench press. Two chairs. That was my first. So I would put a chair here and a chair there And I would lay here and do bench press Would I would pick up the bar and lay back lay back and that would Off me that was the rack that was my rack
Starting point is 00:33:55 Huh, but my first real equipment. Let's be on let's go old school hit it the motherfucking bull worker the bull Worker fuck is that the bull? I'm gonna say I don't know how this thing work But the original claim was true this thing you gain you vintage bull worker That's a bull worker power meter. You did gauge an inch on everything. What the hell is that? I feel like I've seen a bike pump you squeeze it for your chest, uh-huh, right you squeeze it, okay? And then the rose the strings you pull for your triceps and your fucking whatever They had a thousand exercises with that damn that was on TV. You saw that on TV. I think I bought it
Starting point is 00:34:41 One of these sporting goods over here. Okay Dan they're still selling it. Yeah. No, that's available in Walmart 200 bucks. So what you would do is it gave you a chart and you'd actually have your mom measure your arms and shit your chest and dog two three weeks later you did games really cuz it's all isometric You say it is a metric yeah, I believe it affects your body differently or I don't know how it works. You say it isometrics. I believe it. It affects your body differently.
Starting point is 00:35:08 I don't know. But the original first one was when I was growing up in a magazine, there was a picture of a skinny guy who got bullied at the beach. Some muscle guy came and threw sand at him and took his girlfriend away. Then he went home and signed up with Joe Weeter. The 14 day transformation. Another piece of paper that came on a wall that you hung it up and you did a little fucking exercises
Starting point is 00:35:32 and then they'd send you a little trophy. Like a body buildin' trophy. I only paid the dollar just for the trophy. That's all I ever wanted was the trophy. Carrying it around ladies. I didn't lift weights, I didn't do push ups, I didn't do things. I love it.
Starting point is 00:35:50 Have you ever owned your own tennis racket? No. Okay, sorry. I don't know, you were living in Aspen. I was just like, yeah, you know. I know you were in the underworld to Aspen, but still. Just cause you're in Rome, don't mean you got to use Italian food every fucking day.
Starting point is 00:36:04 You know what I'm saying? Do you keep anything like a baseball bat Just cuz you're wrong don't mean you got Italian food every fucking day Do you keep anything like a baseball bat or anything next to the bed? Now okay, what do you can do the fucking face? When the fucking guys in your face But I gotta point it the one way cuz I'm always scared I'm gonna shoot my wife in the middle of the night. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha bad. Kim, let's talk about Rocket Money, baby. Rocket Money! Don't throw your money away by paying subscription. You don't even use, you don't even know about. Get over to Rocket Money. I'm straight and have a little bit. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscription.
Starting point is 00:36:56 Monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills. You can see the subscriptions all in one place. You got everything in a row. Hey, don't do this anymore. Boom, get rid of it. Hey, keep this one, this one's good. This one, don't throw. Boom, get rid of it. You're saving money. Yeah, it's fantastic. I found out, I downloaded it.
Starting point is 00:37:12 I downloaded it. Yeah, I got rocket money on the brain. I downloaded it and realized I was still paying like $14.99 a month to some like underground boxing thing that I was like, take this at it. Give me my cash back. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save its members
Starting point is 00:37:29 an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. Guys, you're paying out the noses and you don't even know it. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to slash garbage. That's slash garbage.
Starting point is 00:37:44 slash garbage. That's slash garbage. slash garbage. Do it, do it. How do you feel about surprise parties? I don't. Don't, you don't like them? No. They ever have one? Have they ever throw you one?
Starting point is 00:37:57 Would you be mad if they threw you one? Nah, I don't wanna make a person feel bad, but it's not my favorite fucking thing. Okay. To walk in here, think I'm gonna do a line of coke 20 mobile surprise and you're all you want to do is that line of coke you know I'm saying they're like he's a jolly good I'm a fucking coke fiend I'm the victim I'm gonna sit in I don't like parades I don't like fucking I went to that macy's parade one time when I was
Starting point is 00:38:31 when I first moved here from Cuba I was maybe five and then I got a hot dog and my mother gave me a hot dog and some motherfucking ketchup on it that was it. That was my experience with parades. Now I see Barnum and Bailey's coming back, but they got no fucking animals. They probably can't have the animals. They got no circus. You know, we grew up in that fucking place. That's what toughened you up every year.
Starting point is 00:38:54 You got in shape for the fucking circus. Chase one of the elephants got out or something. We're one of those spinning lights and shit. So you had to get your helmet ready. And every year you go and it's like that one kid would be all fucked up from the year back. I'm gonna get my shirt so you have to get your helmet ready. And every year you go and it's like that one kid will be all fucked up from the year.
Starting point is 00:39:11 From the year he got hit in the head last year. He coming in fucked up to the Max. Did you ever do time square on New Year's Eve? You ever go down there for the ball and, nuts? Are you fucking? You got a better chance of playing tennis, to be honest. You're gonna turn it on and go, what the fuck are these idiots doing?
Starting point is 00:39:27 Yes. Of course. And half of them are fucking paid to do that. They put the ugly people in the back. Yeah, they're up on like $40,000 straight. Yeah, like the people that come from Niaq and shit, they own, they put them in the back. The fucking models, they put up front,
Starting point is 00:39:43 like those people who have like a tattoo, or a flower in their hair, or they're dressed like Miley Cyrus. And then you got like, you know, a couple Chinese people. They gotta get the fucking tourist in there. And they don't even know where they're at. They just sing it up and down the jelly roll.
Starting point is 00:40:01 They don't even know who the fuck jelly roll is. They're like, ah, ah. They come from other countries. It's a nightmare. And you watch them and you're like, I feel bad for you. This wasn't even an experience because those are the people that they don't tell you. They always tell you about the three people who died after the Kansas City game.
Starting point is 00:40:17 Like three idiots died of fentanyl. They didn't tell us how many people get hit in the head after that thing. Because I know if I'm a mugger and I'm on 60s too, let's see you walking by with your little ice cube hat that they gave you. Hope right that day. Your 2024 glasses.
Starting point is 00:40:31 Yeah, I'm taking something. We got to hit you in the head with something. We got to make your visit to New York memorable. Give me the full experience. OK. All right. If you pull up to like a 7-11, will you to run in or something will you leave your car running? No You can't leave nothing running
Starting point is 00:40:56 These motherfuckers are worse than me They might have jumped the fence they could drive like a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus. You do the automatic starter in the car? You warm it up in the morning? No, I actually come out and start it and put the thing on. And then go back in the house? Yeah. Okay, so you warm it up?
Starting point is 00:41:18 Well, I ran over to fucking garage. So now, when I had the garage, I could warm my balls, take my time, start it up, do a bonk hit, fucking garage When I had the garage I could warm my balls take my time Start it up do a bonnet now I like a fucking chuchu how bad how banged up is the garage doors are pretty big And who's coming to fix that you got a guy coming yeah, my wife calls some guy, okay, my wife is crying that day Got a guy coming yeah, my wife calls me guy. Okay, my wife is crying that day When does it end I don't even like baby
Starting point is 00:41:52 My smash Does that bother or you're very you know zen with that kind of shit are you like You're like I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have done that 500 or you just- It almost ruined my day, because I ended up going to Jiu-Jitsu. I said, fuck it, I don't need the garage door to close. Mm-hmm, ah, shit. I just went to Jiu-Jitsu,
Starting point is 00:42:13 and my wife got there like 20 minutes later. It was gonna ruin my day. Listen, you know, it's so weird. I wish I knew all these things when I was 30 and 40. I wouldn't have the ulcers that I had staying up all these things when I was 30 and 40. I wouldn't have the Ourses that I had staying up all night thinking about stupid shit What do you want a person to feel you made a mistake an honest mistake? What do you want me to feel do you want me to feel worse than I do? I mean, it's a zen of it Yeah, really. Yeah, look at this, you know, that's it. Yeah, you know, I hit it. It really is. She's got a role in it. I look at them. That's it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:45 You know, I hit it. It was an accident. It wasn't on purpose. It's not like I was drinking. I had a friend that was drunk and just drove through his fucking car. That's my boy. That's my boy.
Starting point is 00:42:57 That motherfucker didn't even wait for it to open. That ain't just he was there. He was there Speaking of the car have you ever been at the gas station and use the squeegee to clean your windshield and Have you ever cleaned anything else on the car? No, you ain't doing that. You don't care. It is what it is. You touching the squeegee. You're not doing that I must touch a fucking pimp's dick All this shit that's on that squeegee Touch a fucking pimps dick all this shit that's on that squeaky
Starting point is 00:43:29 Especially after the pandemic that's yeah, that's it. I ain't touching nothing You're getting the car wash though. You like to get the car wash I like to keep the car clean do the detail inside and out or you just do it myself You do it yourself vacuuming like now there's a place for my house I think it's nine bucks you go through and they wash it okay not bad and they have a vacuum there So I'll vacuum in there and do the thing and then go home It's nine bucks you go through and they wash it. Okay. Not bad. And they have a vacuum there. So I'll vacuum in there and do the thing and then go home and armor all the tires. Ah!
Starting point is 00:43:50 Clean out the inside. You don't want to put armor on your dash because then the dash will crack. Sure. All that shit. But yeah, I was a detail, you know. That was my job before I fucking got into comedy. Detail cars.
Starting point is 00:44:01 That was, yeah. That summer I ever had was the summer I worked at a car wash. I loved it. I loved it, too. Loved it. When I go to this car wash, I always feel like asking, are you guys hiring? Because I used to be a host at a car wash.
Starting point is 00:44:13 Oh, like the guy who takes the, what do you got? What are you doing? That's the most I ever stole in my life. Three days a week, $15,000 to $2,000 a week. Jesus. And I was in business What was this game? You come in I sell you a $20 wash
Starting point is 00:44:34 But I'm only gonna fucking put on here that you get in the basic wash gotcha Yeah, and I'm gonna get you but I'm still gonna you still gonna get the same value. I press all the buttons I'm just not just not ringing it up for that not ringing it up Right on there, and then we'd always push cash. Are you paying cash today? Yes? I am so the girl next door the cashier her and I were friends and father was the sheriff We weren't gonna go to jail So fuck it let the pigeons roll, but have one day. I go you know what they're gonna catch me eventually And I quit smart and I fucking just quit one day and that was it like and I'm still tight with the well They sold the car wash
Starting point is 00:45:07 They're probably gonna see this podcast That's when you know you're a dirtbag. He's like am I gonna stop stealing like no I gotta quit Money baby Somebody's gonna say they went in and they looked at their ticket Somebody's gonna say something already. It was my halfway house job. It was the house. I it was the job I had in the halfway house. Okay, so Okay, how do you feel about truffle fries? Yeah, you like truffle?
Starting point is 00:45:46 That shit they put on it? No, no, no, no. I like steak fries. Very nicely. Gentlemen, open steak sandwich, sure. You ain't lying. I'll give you that. Steak fry, very underrated. I love it. If you are doing a show, if you're doing a bigger show
Starting point is 00:46:04 or previous, like a theater or something You have a rider and if so, what's on it? Water just water just water no food no snacks. No nothing fruit bowl Simple man Man, I don't want to bust people you know I've seen some of the people and what they asked for some of it's not crazy You know who was feeding you one, you went to the bridge. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:26 You know, I knew you when you were living with eight guys in the apartment, now you're looking for fucking... Tiramisu or something. Yeah, tiramisu and you're gonna make somebody run out. And it's the fucking theater anyway, you know. Respect that. Do you remember the first time you had Nutella? Maybe when I moved here.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Yeah. Four years ago. No kidding. Four years ago. Some of her she's typing. I never knew nothing about Nutella. Yeah. There's a restaurant in Jersey, Austria. Uh huh. I think you mentioned that last time. Yeah, last time you were here. They make Nutella. Those things you deep fry. Zeppelis? Zeppelis. Oh my fucking god. And their baby ones they give you eight of them with cream on top. That's alright. I like it. Stop it.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Huh. How do you feel about somebody playing the acoustic guitar at a party? For the audio listeners his eyes just shut.'d rather get shot in the fucking head. You know, it all depends. Depends what kind of licks they got. Like if somebody goes up and they're doing like light Beatles songs. Okay. You know, but it's that one idiot that wants to go out there and thinks he's Jimmy Page. It's like when you're on a plane.
Starting point is 00:47:47 Sunday morning, I fucking hate this, and I always get themed for saying this. When you're on a plane, and all of a sudden you hear, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And this guy's in 33, he's in the back of the fucking plane, but he wants to come on with like a base. Like the big stand up base. You only listen. If You ain't listen.
Starting point is 00:48:05 If you ain't in Led Zeppelin, that shit get checked in. Yeah, that's going under right now. If I don't know you from a video on MTV, check it. But you're gonna fuck up everybody's world with your fucking drum bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever the fuck it is. You know, last week when I went to Austin, I came on on like a guitar for a fucking giant Chinese Unless he's a fucking guitar player for those five little Koreans that jump up and down
Starting point is 00:48:32 Why is he bringing that fucking guitar on this place? They told you at the gate. We're fucking fully loaded We're not gonna have room this guy wants to you know 33. He's in the dungeon to boot to have room this guy wants to you know 33 he's in the dungeon to boot I can see if he was in first class to grow heat. You ever see him like they got that look on that face? Going to the dungeon. The lights are flickering and shitting back there. You like him to fucking extra legs? Who's sucking my dick? Also this guy walked past he's sad he's got bad breath he's got a he doesn't even have a star but the competitor star book and he's walking past you you know he's headed to the dungeon and you look at him and you give him like that signal get to the magazine get down there bozo 33 that's alright. Huh, do you have, have you ever, have you ever done karaoke?
Starting point is 00:49:28 I used to. Used to. Not like a fucking Indian person, they love it when they sing journey and shit. But they take that shit seriously. They got that little spray, walka, walka, walka. Okay, but you would go from time to time. Nah, when I lived in Boulder, there wasn't enough open mics.
Starting point is 00:49:49 So I'd sign up, you know, like I'd get there. What are you gonna sing til they join? A whole lotta love. And I'd go up there and belt the first line. Hold on, listen, let me talk to you about what happened to that. And I'd belt the karaoke. Get out, get out.
Starting point is 00:50:01 And then one time me, while I lived in Seattle, me, Josh Wolfe, Brody, a bunch of us one night. Let's let's crash karaoke place same thing What song do you want to sing? You know whatever Kenny Rogers? Then you get up there fuck lady start doing crowd work hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah man the brain of Joey Diaz oh my head hurts you like a quiche enjoy quiche, 20 fucking quiche. Never the first time somebody gave you a quiche in Philadelphia, you're like, what's this? They're like, oh, it's quiche, it's a new invention. Listen, how about I take this new invention and fucking show it up your ass.
Starting point is 00:51:15 Give my two eggs, sunny side up. We're fucking plenty of radioactive materials, all right? You're eating this fucking quiche. That shit went over fast that quiche shit no it's the quiche 20 years guy that's what he ate you with I don't like french toast I don't like quiche I'm crying
Starting point is 00:51:36 wait you said you don't like french toast I don't like syrup hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah All right. What do you got? I'm not going to need them. My abs hurt. You said you like a cup of coffee in the morning. You like to have your coffee. Do you have a favorite cup at the house? Yes. Got a mug.
Starting point is 00:52:17 Is there dad's coffee cup? There's two of them I use. Are they bigger? You like a big one? Or are you like a regular size? They're nice comfortable for my gorilla hands. You get in there. you get in there I get in there one of those you know they think I'm English
Starting point is 00:52:28 look at the size of his finger you got some meat on it he does things a couple of bratwurst on there Joey the key should almost kill me does everybody know not to use these cups? Or is it like that's dad's cup? Anybody can use it. My wife has her own cup. Okay.
Starting point is 00:52:49 Nobody else really comes over to drink coffee. My daughter don't drink coffee. Okay. I don't know how this is going to go, but do you cross your sevens? When you're right out of seven, do you cross it? When I write out my social security number. You do. You'll like cross the seven in the middle.
Starting point is 00:53:04 Okay. Ooh, that's fancy. Huh. Well, just then? Just the social security number you do you'll crawl you'll like cross the seven in the middle okay that's fancy huh well just with just then just a social security why cuz it's not as real social security number seven seven seven seven seven seven seven ain't a fucking number you ever get a job you're gonna quit? You don't put the last number you're social? Like you fill it out you're like I'm not even gonna fucking fill out my last one. They'll call you like a month later. What's the last number? Listen, pick a chance.
Starting point is 00:53:33 Pick a number. You tell me, you tell me. You got a 10% chance of hitting it though. It's dark guessing. Have you ever had to call the job back in the day, obviously, and see if the checks were ready? Of like, hey, it's Friday. Or the check.
Starting point is 00:53:51 Oh. Sweet talk of the moment. 801, motherfucker. 801. I'm the type of dude that waits for the mailman outside. Like, if I go to, and they have a check coming, like, I got sent out. Sure.
Starting point is 00:54:04 The fifth, which is Monday, right? Fifth, I'm out there today waiting for a little change. Oh yeah, I'm out there waiting for my attention. I know what time he comes, I know his schedule, I don't want him to misunderstand it. When he comes and doesn't have my check, I make him go back to the truck. Double check, I got an eight ball on hold,
Starting point is 00:54:23 and I ain't got time for fucking it. I ain't got time for fucking, I got an eight ball on hold. I ain't got time for fucking. I ain't got time for fucking, you know. I got an eight ball on lay way. I ain't got time to fucking. I got it, rent to own, let's go. Jesus Christ. Okay.
Starting point is 00:54:35 All right. Favorite cup of your slippers, man. You like slippers? You do slippers in the house? A robe? No. No robe. I like a hooded sweatshirt.
Starting point is 00:54:44 Yeah. I don't think it's like a hooded sweatshirt. Get long one that's like five X. It's comfortable as fuck. Sweatpants. My wife got me these slippers with the fur inside. I got a fungi toenail after a month that things stinks like no fuck. It's like that's like the rainforest in there. Wash. I don't want to watch my fun girl Tell no juice on my underwear Goes in your dick hole Okay
Starting point is 00:55:15 Let me see here. Have you ever had your own garage sale? Like you guys put on a garage or dead you like going to garage. You like going to a garage Buy somebody else's misery. For the small nickel. Yeah. Fighting over the board like, you know, I'll give you 250 for the monopoly or whatever. Yeah. Do you chew ice? You chew your ice in it? And it's here in soda.
Starting point is 00:55:40 You chew. Go to White Castle because they give you the little ice. Oh, very nice. That's a good thing about White Castle. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it's got ice on fire. Good ice can turn a place around. Oh, ice is on fire!
Starting point is 00:55:52 That's what I'm looking for. I like it. If you go food shopping, you get your cart, you get to the car, you put your bags in the car, will you return the cart to the corral, or do you just leave it? Yeah, I return it to the car. Will you return the cart to the corral or do you just leave it? Yeah, I return it to the corral. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Will you eat a hard boiled egg in public?
Starting point is 00:56:10 No. God. That's disgusting. That's fucking, yeah, you should have. The Nero and Angel heart, remember when he's eating the fucking heart? The fucking, you know. I like fucking egg salad going on a poppy seed bagel
Starting point is 00:56:23 with a tomato. Sure. God damn it! Yeah. Are you like a double egg? going on a poppy seed bagel with a tomato. Sure God damn it. Yeah Are you like a devil egg you enjoy a devil day? Yeah Where are you doing your clothes shopping now Anywhere specific you have a story you like to go to a coals of the JC.ning love Coles love Coles like a Coles look at my phone these motherfuckers sent me a $10 coupon for my birthday no shit there you go ten dollars you like Joey you know I'm gonna tell you why because who gives you anything today mm-hmm you got ten bucks that Coles cash is all
Starting point is 00:56:59 right every time I go to Coles I get something he walked out of rich every time they make you feel like, okay, thanks for coming in today. We really appreciate your business. No, we gave you five hours to come back. The sneakers cost you 70. I buy sneakers there. They got great socks, big fat dudes.
Starting point is 00:57:18 They got socks, they got sweats, they're nice. You know, my wife bought me a suit from fucking Cole. Yeah, probably got us probably all right. I mean, you know, you can't smoke no pot around that motherfucker. That thing will light up. It's all rayon and shit. Pushing a fucking Christmas tree. That polyester shit, whatever you like, not polyester.
Starting point is 00:57:37 But I was in shock, $100 suit, we just needed it. And she goes, I'll get your suit right now. Yeah, just go, yeah. Like it's not gonna fit, it't fucking fit. It's fucking fit. It's fit. So cold in the store, yeah. Yeah, I'm a target, I'm a target guy. Big target guy.
Starting point is 00:57:51 Love the underwear to socks at Target. Easy peasy. Easy peasy. Yeah, you're in, you're out. I mean. If you go to a restaurant and you get a bad table, will you ask for a different table? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:04 Yeah, if you're like. My pet peeve is a restaurant on 70 And they play you right next to something I go there with you two gorillas We're talking about this shit at the table these big dicks sure drugs Also, they come in and they put a family with kids next to us. Uh-huh. That's when I lose my yeah Oh, can I ask you a question, look at us three gorillas. We got elbows on the table, we got fucking bread on our shirt. And you wanna put something next to us, move them over there.
Starting point is 00:58:31 Yeah. Burn the extra fucking three calories. Spread it out a little bit. Yeah, I hate that too. Char's me nuts. We do a massage, you like a massage these days? Nah. No massages?
Starting point is 00:58:42 Every once in a while I break down and go to massage and because, because it's such a fucking nightmare. I don't like people touching me. You know I don't like to go to strip clubs. I like my dick suck. We all like our dick suck but going to a strip club is a complete different adventure. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. It's not wrong Do you ever like the TV show pawn stars or? deadliest catch Deadliest catch. Yeah, what do you watch at the house at night? What do you what are you throwing on anything you guys watch as a family that you'll throw on together if like one of those? Marvel TV movies on okay all are down
Starting point is 00:59:20 Do I enjoy them? They're the worst things I've ever watched But for the sake of the family, I'll sit there sit down watch it with everybody She'll tell me little things I'm not a Harry Potter guy. No, you don't say What else watching 18 something now eight other yellowstone spin off. Yeah, we were just talking about that right programs that guy don't miss That dude Tyler Taylor Sharon Taylor Sharon those guys both secarios the
Starting point is 00:59:58 The what's the Sloan one? Tulsa King Tulsa King Mary King's town Mary King's town Tulsa King Tulsa King Mary Kings Town Mary Kings Town Then all those spin-offs three there's yellowstone and then two huge spin-offs with like fucking Harrison Ford he don't miss and bro I do three fucking mirror. Oh Hell in Miran. Yeah, she got that accent down perfect. That's as brilliant as it gets. Yeah, she's something else I love old or whatever she is and that sharp. The fucking the what I'm watching now is with the Indian girl that escapes that she kills the two nuns. Fuck them. I haven't seen them. I get flashbacks and when I beat up
Starting point is 01:00:33 that none, it's all the same. It's all the same. How you just go through this. Like I don't like people touch them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Um, I got, you know, well, one or two more here. I mean, you ever sit through a timeshare pitch. Fuck yeah. For the small 50 bucks. Really? That was a feature act at Myrtle Beach. Shit. Shit. You get there a day early. You go in there, yes, and to death. Oh my God. What a luxurious apartment.
Starting point is 01:01:00 I gotta talk to my wife. They give you 50 bucks to sit to him. You, bam. Damn. I did like three in a row one time. apartment They give you 50 bucks to sit to him Damn, I did like three in a row one time. That's good money for a feature. Yeah, that's all right It's like that's you know, I'll make more money doing the surveys in Myrtle Beach Then my weekend sure which I love the club. I love Greg. I love them. They're great people But I would make as much money doing the surveys From 9 to 12 every fucking day. Okay guys a hustler hustler
Starting point is 01:01:32 Speaking of the road to is if you're at a hotel will you stay on the first floor of a hotel? Or you go like if they give it to you stay wherever they put me okay listen I don't want to fucking walk 10 miles when I get there. Yeah. Yeah, we just walked through an airport We just went through an airport We just blended another airport and now you want to put me in 22B on the third floor You know, no put me somewhere close. I don't mind close to the fucking Hotel door the elevated don't mind you. Okay. I don't call you know that shit listen. I went to prison Sure meeting walk on to the hallway and go What the fuck is going on it bitch? Yeah, you slept on a metal fucking bed for eight months
Starting point is 01:02:09 And you didn't complain then so shut the fuck up sure Okay, yeah, I mean yeah still trash I like on the first episode you dub yourself you're like I'm Cuban white trash Perfect perfectly why lie to yourself. Yeah, I find myself. I even tell my wife I got a can of dinty more stoop In my house for emergencies if the white trash comes out So I could see I got all that little white trash, rice, aroni. Denti more over chunky?
Starting point is 01:02:47 Over chunky, Campbell's chunky, you prefer denti more? How does chunky stew? You don't like chunky? I never tried it. Oh, it's better than denti more. I'm a denti more with some white bread and some butter. Okay. For the recon style, not even toasted bread.
Starting point is 01:03:02 Fuck, just dip it in there. Dip it right in there. You got hard hotel bar butter. Ooh. Hotel bar butter. I know exactly what you're talking about. Shit! Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Starting point is 01:03:14 Ah, my God. Yeah, man. Ladies and gentlemen. I like the white trashy food, and my wife gets mad at me. She's like, I'm the white trash, and you eat this shit. Rice errone.
Starting point is 01:03:22 Rice errone, forget about it. That might be my one time, they would make it and it would sit in a pan And start fucking crushing that again Gills a little good It's a little saltier. I told my wife. I was in the move of pork chops from rice errone Pork chop I was in the move of pork chops with rice around yesterday. Uh huh. Well pork chops, rice, and all that fucking good stuff. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joey Diaz.
Starting point is 01:03:49 Buddy, we love you. Thank you so much. Brand new podcast to check in. Of course, the book is tremendous. Make sure you check it out. Joey, we love you. Yeah, thank you so much. We can't thank you enough for coming back in.
Starting point is 01:04:00 I was going to reach out to you guys, but you don't love me no more. Yeah, you kidding me? That's the fuck out. You got an open invitation, my friend. You could move in if you want. Yeah, don't be silly. We love you to death.
Starting point is 01:04:08 Thank you so much. Kippy, what do you got for him? Guys, we just launched the new tour, so we're all over the road. Tickets are moving quick. Get them. We got some big venues coming up. The Wilbur Town Hall, a bunch of theaters.
Starting point is 01:04:18 So get those tickets. We need you to come out, baby. And, Joe, you got anything for him or anything you want the folks out there to know? Nothing. Perfect. Chillin' like a doctor. OK, we love you.
Starting point is 01:04:26 We'll see you next week. Thank you, guys. Peace.

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