Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Jordan Jensen!
Episode Date: November 7, 2024Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Jordan Jensen! You know Jordan Jensen from Bein' Ian With Jordan, RIP Jordan Jensen, Kill Tony, The Adam Friedland Show, Whiskey Ginger, Sta...vvy's World, Harland Highway, Trash Tuesdays, Chrissy Chaos and much more! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG & Friends 11/8: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Acorns: Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! Tushy: https://hellotushy.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Shopify: https://shopify.com/garbage Promo Code: Garbage This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U garbage. Oh, yeah.
We'll show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it to be classy.
Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash.
I'm your host, H.Fole, coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition.
She's out in the garage huffing gas.
OK, good for her. Little afternoon snack for her.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me unamused this week
He is the CEO of are you garbage?
She is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan
What up everybody? Thanks for tuning in as always
Please make sure you rate view subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube and obviously the greatest website of all time
WWW.patreon.com slash are you garbage you go over there you get all that bonus content gang
Gang we couldn't be more excited to have her incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time
She was a very funny very successful stand-up comedian and podcaster. She tours all over
You can hear every week on being Ian with Jordan and she's got her own pod RIP give it up for the one the only
Jordan Jensen.
Everybody, there she is.
Finally, most requested guests.
Yes, happy to have you.
They've been begging for you.
Of course.
That's because I know I'm trash.
Yes, which I think everybody knows you're trash.
Yeah.
It's gonna be a home run.
Yeah, I don't have anybody fooled.
Try as I might.
Give us the backstory.
What's the origin story?
Upstate New York.
Growing up.
Upstate, deep upstate. Really? Where at? Well, here's the origin story of state growing up upstate really say we're at well
here's the thing father and Lansing father father mother and Lansing's have a have a
Contracting business start a farm. Is that New York? Yeah
Ithaca, okay, you say Lansing like it's fucking it's out. Yeah, it's bad
It's very tiny one stoplight shitty and then
So they have a farm where they have goats they meet playing rugby. My dad is my mom's rugby coach
What what how did he not small town?
Recruit everybody. Yep. They both went to Cornell Wow
They're learning people they are up there in Lansing
My dad grew up in Chicago.
Okay.
My mom grew up in Lansing.
Why'd your dad move there?
To go to Cornell.
Oh.
Yeah.
Gotcha.
So this is the very weird thing.
They're like people who have an education
and somehow manage to be very trashy.
It's very interesting.
They're like farm people more than anything.
And then, so then they had a farm together.
They accidentally had two children.
And the farm was goats, was it goat farm?
It was horses that they would,
my dad broke horses for a man named Cowboy Rick, shout out.
Oh shit.
Broke them like, rode them to control them.
Yeah. Whoa.
It was hot.
Race horses?
That is pretty hot.
Yeah.
Race horses?
Race horses, yeah, thoroughbred race horses. No shit. and horses just for like people to ride was he like a tough guy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean breaking horses. That's like the baddest cowboy on the on the fucking farm
That's how do you go from Cornell to breaking horses see my dad was like he was one of these dudes who went to Cornell to
Be like I'm gonna be a journalist to fight the war in Vietnam and talk all about how like peace should happen
And then he was like not very good at
that so then he just change a plan
Yeah, so then he became a
Contractor and was just like building houses around Ithaca and Lansing and then my mom got addicted to building houses with him
Okay, still doesn't know she's still doesn't know she's gay crazy met her at playing rugby
And she goes please put a tool belt on me, had no idea.
And then just, my dad was like super, super high
all the time on a huge amount of weed,
and my mom was like, okay, this is getting boring,
I'm gonna go into the city of Ithaca,
it's not a city, it's a square.
You're going to the city, I'm gonna paint the town red.
I'm gonna go to the big city, and then my dad was like,
no, no you're not, and my mom was like, yes I am,
and then my dad got super crazy, and then my mom was like, now, no, you're not. And my mom was like, yes, I am. And then my dad got super crazy.
And then my mom was like, now we're really going.
Took took me and the kids.
So then I had split custody.
That's they separated at that point.
I'm going to the city and taking the kids.
How old are you at this point?
I'm two. My sister's eight. OK.
So now we're going back and forth between like lesbian.
Well, she wasn't lesbian yet between downtown Ithaca,
which is like a beautiful little like Cornell Haven sure
White trash dad's house, so I'm going from dad's house getting covered in dog hair and cat piss and then every dad's house
But every dad's house and then going into it again having the kids be like oh no this is unacceptable here
So I have both my sister's white trash. She's she's more Lansing bread and then and is your mama lesbian at this time
No, yeah, she's not yet to your knowledge or not yet to anybody's knowledge. Okay, so she's fucking dudes left and right, okay
divorce after the divorce she's got
Party, dude. Yeah, we party and then she's got like boyfriends
She's got like other contractor boyfriends and then she starts getting irritated because they're all very stupid
That was her whole thing. She's like they're too dumb. They can't keep up with me
Is your mom and dad doing different contracting things at this point or they so now they are so it was
Cosentini Jensen construction now it is Cosentini construction Jensen development. They are now in a war so now
Really no no at that point. No my dad is very much dead and my mom is killing it okay in development. They are now in a war. So now really? No, no, no.
At that point. No, my dad is very much dead and my mom is killing it.
OK. She killed him. I respect. Yeah.
But now they're in a war.
So now it's like if you get a house, you're either with my dad or my mom.
And oh, yeah.
And then at one point, Yellowstone, no, it was like, yeah.
And then my mom goes, OK, my mom gets a job for like.
So they're in full war. My dad is like trying to kill my mom. My, my mom gets a job for like so they're in full war
My dad is like trying to kill my mom my first memory truly my first killer are my dad
Closing my mom in a door and my mom is like so diesel that she was just in the door being like Jack
You're being insane. This is Jack. I will fuck you up. She's like this is ridiculous. Let the door go so I can kill you
And he was so much bigger than her. But she just never there was no phase.
There was never any like she was always just like, get your boot all out of my mouth.
OK, Jesus. Do you think that's a curb stomp? Yeah.
This is post divorce. Yeah. Post. Wow.
So me and my sister are rats.
We're full rat children. Uh huh. We're feral.
What do you live in in Ithaca? An apartment or house apartment?
It's like the divorce apartments where everybody goes sure it's like what are those?
What are those hotels they put us in sometimes with a full-size fridge? Oh like?
It's day extended stay it was like you were living stay yeah for a bit. She that's like as close as
Why did she build your house?
We did eventually okay, and then that's like witness protection shit
Yeah, we call it's called Winston courts if you if you hear somebody go. I'm going to win some courts That's crazy. What he did eventually. Okay. And then uh. That's like witness protection shit. Yeah.
It's called Winston courts.
If you hear somebody go I'm going to Winston courts,
you're like I'm really sorry about your divorce.
It's like always.
And then uh, and then what happens?
Oh and then, so then uh, my dad is trying to kill my mom.
Oh yeah, business, they have a feuding business.
And then my mom gets a job that's like this guy
who's a nightmare human being and he goes
I want you to build this house and he shows you the plans and it's the ugliest house you've ever seen
No windows looks like it's out of Beetlejuice
And she goes I have the perfect place where you should put this and puts it right across from my dad's farm
Are you fucking kidding me? It's still there. It's the ugliest piece of shit you've ever seen
It's so fucked up for years. My dad would we would go over He would make me get a bunch of trees, put them in plants and bring them
over and be like, hi, as a little kid and be like, would you plant these trees? Like
we want to have more foliage. Oh, to block out the, yeah. And the person was like, no,
we like it flat and weird. We like full-thin. And was your mom there every day building
the house I guess? Yeah, and going, yeah, totally and They had beef and
Beef I mean my dad went to jail because he poured paint on a one of my mom's boyfriend's cars
What the fuck is like cheaters? That's hood rat shit
That did suck cuz he tried to fight that guy and then that guy was so tall. I thought this was unfair
He was too tall so is your dad a bigger guy?
My dad's like 6'1".
That's a big guy.
This is all after the divorce.
All after the divorce.
But the other guy was so tall
that he just punched my dad in LA.
I remember me and my kids.
Did you see this?
No, but my mom told me and my sister
where my dad was, he was in jail.
And then- For that scrap?
Yeah, and then we were, I remember making up a song
about the boyfriend where I was like,
he's stupid and I hate him because he,
but he shouldn't have won, but it was,
like I remember being like,
my dad would have fucking killed this guy.
Yeah, he would have got you cheap shot at him.
And I'm four at that age, being like,
yo, my dad could fucking kill my mom's boyfriend.
Is he living with you guys?
Is the boyfriend living with you guys?
No, he would not.
He was a very good dude.
My mom very much loved him,
but then my mom broke up with,
or he broke up with my mom because my dad was crazy.
And he was like, I can't deal with this trash.
Sure, I'm not gonna fight this guy.
Every time he gets out of jail, I'm not fighting this dude.
Yeah.
Slashing his tires.
What the fuck?
So yeah, really trashy at my dad's.
Lot of barn cats.
We lived above a barn.
So my dad took a huge barn
and he put little apartments up top
and we lived in those.
What was the custody?
Like every other weekend?
Every like couple days a week?
It was Friday, I remember so.
Wednesdays, 5.30 till the next day
and then during the weekends.
With my dad, which was like,
some of it was fun.
I'm sure, you're in the city and then you're like, we're going out to the, some of it was fun. Like when I was little.
I'm sure, you were in the city
and then you're like, we're going out
to the country on the weekend.
So there's no farmhouse.
He's in a barn with apartments.
There's a giant barn and then there is a stables over here.
There's stables under where we lived, a bunch of stables.
So you can hear horses in your room.
I'd fucking kill myself.
Yeah, I loved it.
I wonder why you're atomic.
As a little girl. I loved it.
And then and then something.
Oh, yeah. Lost all of our money.
Had to sell the horses.
Business went bad.
They both of them just fucked up their business.
Both of them went too big to I think.
That's a problem with contractors.
Yes. Like it's like when it's good.
And so that was my family. When it's good, it's good.
And they go, this is going to be like this forever. And you're like, it is good. So that was my family when it's good. It's good And they go listen gonna be like this forever and you're like it is not yeah
How did they get into that did they have history with like building stuff before college?
My dad in Chicago worked for his brother-in-law who was in the Union
Which then I later moved to Chicago for three months to see if I could do construction cuz I my whole life heard to join
The Union well
I just wanted to see if I could hack it there because I had been doing construction so long for my mom and my dad
I just want to see if I could do it without them in Chicago
Which is like the hardest place to do construction on the Union. It was hard and I didn't do so good
I did not do good. I ended up as a roofer and in Chicago when you roof you're just like
It's all slate that they're having removed and then they're having so you remove all this slate, and then you get covered in
Complete darkness, and then you're all only your eyeball show and I lived with a dude named angel who was like in a gang
So I would always come in fully like that and he'd be like
It was crazy
How old are you when you're doing that I've been doing construction since I was like
14 That's nuts. How old are you when you're doing that? I've been doing construction since I was like 14. So yeah, I mean-
You were doing that as a job for a while.
Like that was your-
I was doing that as a job up until the pandemic.
Really?
So I had my own contracting business in New York.
You got a couple of pictures you can hang around here
if you want. Yeah.
How big?
Were you building houses and shit
or just like handyman stuff?
I built houses with my dad. And then when I here I built I like remodeled like I remodeled the I made a
Crate place into like a barbershop. So I poured a floor and I put up, you know, and I tore down all the walls
Yeah, it's Christ and like what else did I do?
Yeah
I built a bunch of shit for people like I took down walls or I added walls or I built them fences or porches
or anything you can do in Brooklyn was what I was doing,
which is crazy.
It's fucked. What the fuck?
And New York, I guess.
Huh, okay.
All right.
How far away is your mom's house to your dad's house?
15 minutes.
15 minutes, that's it. That's too close.
Yeah, way too close. With a lot of plotting.
Lot of plotting going on. And dad would not
come into the town.
He would hate coming into town
because he had this giant 62 Ford pickup
that would not, so he'd be like,
I'm not coming out there.
Who is this guy?
He's a Marlboro man.
Uh-huh, that's what I'm picking up.
Yeah.
And school was public school, I presume,
and were you going to school in Ithaca?
Ithaca, thank God.
Public school in Ithaca.
Yes, which was hard because I did smell
like cat piss all the time.
Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was really, I was un-bully.
I remember one kid went around the room and he was like, to everybody, he was like, you're stupid, you're ugly, you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was really, I was un-bully. I remember one kid went around the room
and he was like, to everybody, he was like,
you're stupid, you're ugly, you're fat, you're dumb.
And he got to me and he went,
you look like you have problems at home.
And I remember like.
I read in the paper, your dad's nuts.
Damn, that's a deep cut.
That one stings.
Keep it up, I'll take the supports out of your stairs, pussy.
And then I started, so I have like crippling OCD,
always have, and I would go to the dentist
and the dentist would be like,
okay, I'm gonna use this sharp hook on your teeth
and I'd be like, no you're not, you're a liar
and you're gonna carve my face up and I know that.
So I would get out of the chair and I would run.
I don't know if that's OCD.
Yeah, fuck, whatever.
I'm a neurotic human being.
And I was like, you're gonna do something horrible to me,
I don't believe you. So then finally, after months and months of trying to get me a dentist a lady came in and she was like
Listen, I am going to touch your gums with this a little bit
I'm gonna do my best of way and I was like you're being honest
You can work out my teeth and I'm like five and then that lady
Kept hitting on my mom over and over and over and over until finally my mom caved in.
They became lesbians.
I found out, because my sister was outside
of my mom's bedroom with her ear pushed up against the door
and I was like, what's going on in there?
And she goes, go in and find out.
So I was like, okay, I was in my mom's room.
Walked in.
Had no idea it was going on.
I thought the dentist was trying to kill my mom.
So I left the room and was like, Jamie, we to go in there that my dentist is trying to kill mom
She's like no. She's not I didn't understand so then she's gay and then
Was the dentist lady hot?
She was be a pretty yeah, my mom's second wife was like objectively hot
How many wives is your mom had to the first time I ever asked that question to she's been married three times your dad
Oh, yeah, and two ladies. I mean at that point it wasn't legal to get married, but you'd say what sure gotcha and then
And then what happened and then she was with Tess for a while
We me and my sister had beef with that lady and her kid because they were too
Loving and she brought kids in.
She brought. Yeah, she brought her daughter in.
Where he's living at that point, not in the extended stay. Right.
No, at this point, she had taken a or we live in that point.
Oh, she before the extended or after the web.
Yeah, you have going on.
She had bought an old grocery store and made the top into an apartment
and then downstairs was her business.
What the fuck?
Living above things, that's crazy.
I know.
It's one thing about the Jensen's.
You build a second floor, they'll live in it.
Yeah.
Buy a grocery store and build an apartment above it.
That's wild.
Eventually my dad had to rent out all of the apartments he built
so that me and him were just living in the last peak,
which was his wood shed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, that's nuts. me and him were just living in the last peak, which was his wood shed. Yeah.
Jesus Christ, that's nuts.
And then, yeah, but when we lived above the grocery store,
that was crazy because that was,
my mom was single, working all the time,
was never around.
My sister had decided that I was the reason
why my mom and dad got divorced.
So she was coming home every day
and beating the shit out of me.
No shit.
So then I tried to get it so that my mom
would put a trap door in my room
so I could drop down into her office.
She said no.
And then, it's crazy.
And lots of social services getting called,
which doesn't work.
If you're a social services worker,
if you're a social worker.
So is that bad?
People were getting, like who's calling?
The neighbors or like your dad on your mom?
At school I was pummeled.
And then they would be like.
From your sister? Yeah, and they thought my parents were hitting me school I was pummeled. From your sister?
Yeah, and they thought my parents were hitting me
and I was like, no way.
Okay, and then Tess moves in.
I'm like, okay, great, finally.
The dentist lady.
Yeah, another, she moves in.
My mom gets enough money to buy the house next door
to the grocery store, so now we have a house.
Then, which is very funny,
because my mom remodeled the whole bedroom.
I remember, I just realized recently this was weird.
The whole bedroom, her bedroom was like
the most beautiful thing that she did
with this giant shower and the rest of the,
houses were just trash.
Like carpeted, it was crazy.
But now I realize she's using it for photos for the visit.
Okay, whatever.
So then, they move in with us.
That's weird.
This whole thing is weird.
Cause me and my sister are feral and mean.
And this woman in her...
You don't say you're beating the shit out of each other.
We're feral and mean. We're fucking. We're doing drugs.
Not in each other, but everybody else.
What age is this?
I mean, I was... I mean, I was goth.
I must have been 13 at this point.
I was goth.
13 fucking and doing drugs?
I was blown.
You were blown at 13?
I remember I got my period and then I had sex. I remember no I got sex and then got my no I
Remember it was the same around the same time cuz I was like now that I've had sex I can finally put a tampon in
Which needs to happen so it was that same year which must have been 14. So you're 14 your sister's
2021 yeah sisters huge whore
Still living at home college Still living at home.
College, is she going to college?
She went to Cornell.
Everybody went to Cornell except for me.
Really?
They're all very smart.
I couldn't get it.
That's like an Ivy League school, isn't it?
Legacy.
It's Ivy League.
But the reason why we were all able to go
is also my grandfather was a very mean man
who was the hockey coach.
So my mom was in the Hall of Fame at Cornell
for doing two sports, rugby and hockey,
swimming and hockey,
because she was really good at both.
And he was, our grandfather was the coach,
which helps you get it.
Gotcha.
Okay.
And she went for a large animal veterinarian.
So that's hence the getting into the farm.
My mom, my sister.
So it was an easier program to get into your set yeah and hence her going to the
farm and being like yeah I'll work with horses yes this is just like oh yeah so
then I just want to reiterate that fact she's huge I was morbidly obese small
goth because what happened is hey me too we have more common than I thought
Jordan I would go to my dad's house We have more common than I thought, Jordan.
I would go to my dad's house
and my dad would just be so cooked the whole time
and he would just be like,
I don't know what to do with these children.
So I would go upstairs and just chug cereal.
Like, absolutely.
What kind we talking?
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Woo!
In the barn, in the apartment, above the horses.
Yeah, above the horses, above the wood shop.
So I would go up there and just, I would watch put a box down yeah put a whole box down so
I got super fat and my mom was like I don't know what to do because your dad
won't even talk to me so I can't tell him not to feed you these things so then
and what would happen is my mom was like I don't know how to feed kids so here's
like four almonds then I'd go to my dad's and be like yeah can't but suck
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So I got super fat.
Jamie was D1 athlete, so she's doing sports the whole time.
She's not fat.
And then what happened?
Oh, and then, so this girl moves in with us,
my mom's wife's daughter.
She starts stealing from me and my sister.
Me and my sister are like, this girl's bad news.
I like how you two are like, this girl's bad news.
But nobody believed us,
because we're like, dude, she's literally,
I remember one time she had to confess to me
that she stole, and she was like, I was really young,
I must have been younger than that,
I must have been like nine,
no, because Michelle was around 13.
Okay, so I'm younger than that, I'm not fucking yet.
And then she comes in and she's like,
I didn't need to know that at that age.
She's like, I stole something from you
and I'm supposed to, mom told me I have to confess to you.
And I remember being like,
did you steal one of my teddy bears?
And she was like, no, idiot, I stole the money,
I stole the $200 that you got.
And I was like, okay, that's fine.
I don't know what to do with that.
But thank God the teddy bears are safe.
I remember that.
And then they were weird
because they were very mushy and loved each other. And so my family was safe, I remember that. And then they were weird because they were very mushy
and loved each other, and so my family was like,
that's weird, and then my mom cheated on her,
I think she cheated on her, it was fast,
with Michelle, very hot, who's my other mom.
So that's mom number two.
You still talk to these moms at all or no?
Yeah, so I have mom, cause, Michelle,
who's like, my mom is like my best friend slash dad,
Michelle is like my mommy. Okay.
And then there's Donna, who's my stepmom.
Donna's not in here yet.
Okay, so are they, okay.
Donna is your dad's?
Nope.
No, Donna is your mom's new mom.
Your mom's new wife.
New wife.
My mom's, my second mom's new wife.
Michelle's new wife.
Wait, hold on.
We'll get there, but just so I know,
so your stepmoms.
Your mom gets married to Michelle.
They break up.
Then Michelle gets married to someone else.
Someone else.
And that's, you also refer to her as mom?
Yeah, they're all three moms.
That's too many moms.
That's way too many moms.
It took a lot of them.
It took a lot, because my mom has zero mommy.
My mom is like, you will follow me around,
do as I say say keep your mouth shut
You will be you if you didn't say any something if you said something uninteresting to her like I poop my pants
She'd be like what it's pretty interesting. I don't care what yeah
Yeah, what did they move to when they when they broke up Michelle in the step?
I moved out Michelle moved in test moved out Michelle movedess. How do you stay in touch with Michelle like that?
Every day.
Like even after they break up, like you're still talking.
Oh, Tess is the one you're talking about, the dentist.
Yeah.
She not in touch at all.
That's done.
No, I'm saying.
Oh, Michelle after they divorced?
Yeah, like they got divorced.
Like my dad has been, my parents are divorced,
my dad's been remarried.
He doesn't talk to his stepmom.
I still don't talk to my ex-stepmom that often.
Like enough to be like.
Because Michelle came into the house and went,
oh my god. You were about to say facility.
Yeah, I was, I was.
She came into the institution.
I was gonna say that.
Into the grocery store.
She came in and then she was like,
oh my god, these girls.
They need help.
They need love.
And then she, I was, at this point my OCD was so bad
that I was, I could touch like a two foot strip
throughout my house to get into my room
and everything else was contaminated
and I was morbidly obese, not morbidly, but I was fat.
And I was still very funny though,
I was the class clown, people loved me.
Hey, you're talking to two of them,
I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, and so she came in and was like,
I was like, I don't know what to do,
I'm scared of everything, there's danger all around.
And she was like, I'm a safe space, I love you.
I will help you with the OCD, we will get through this.
And then they were together for like six years.
And then when they broke up,
it was because my mom cheated on Michelle.
And then, and I was like, I'm gonna, I'll die.
And Michelle was like, no you're not,
I'm 100% gonna be here forever.
And she has every fucking, I mean, totally. She pays my phone bill. I mean, I pay her and Michelle was like no you're not I'm 100% gonna be here forever, and she has every fucking I mean totally no way home bill. I mean I pay her but she
What the fuck yeah, she moved to when they broke up they're all of a dentist office like I'll see them
They'll all be here in a week to they all still talk or no. They're all very close so then Michelle on her ex-wives
Not not really my mom. I mean my mom and Tess will hang out sometimes,
but my mom and Michelle are like best friends.
And Michelle has a new wife, Donna.
She's like golden girls, dude.
What the fuck?
Donna.
Donna.
So then Michelle was like, all right,
because my mom cheated on her,
and she's very avoidant, and she's very like, she's very.
How do you know she cheated on him?
Because I-
Like is that what they like outwardly say that?
Because I, we all knew,
and then they sat me down at one point
and they were like
We're breaking up and I was like why and they were like because and I was like it's because of that woman Chelsea
Isn't it and they're like, yes. Whoa. Yeah, and then Chelsea moved in with us. Jesus Christ. It's crazy. Chelsea
Landmark education. What the hell is that? is that that cult II thing yeah, whoa?
Your mom was doing that they're all they all do it. They love a
Mark what is that again? I forget
It's basically Scientology. Yeah without the aliens, so it's basically like you can yeah
There's a lot of recruiting going on a lot of recruiting going on hey bring your friends. Yes a lot of recruiting. I did the teen forum no shit
Yep, totally it's they they like I mean if they see this they will be like them are good
They'll they'll be like it's the best thing
Naysayers they love it. Yeah, Luke can we get a read on landmark education?
Lant I'm getting landmark worldwide right now
landmark education. I'm getting landmark worldwide right now.
That makes sense. They've expanded.
It seems like they did. Worldwide.
What a weird way. When people call things like that, like,
how do you expect it not to be evil genius? Yeah.
Just don't call it that.
Taking over the world. Yeah.
The corporation. Just call it landmark small communities
and people will like it.
But you're like landmark global endeavor.
Wait, so your mom's doing that.
She meets the new girl there.
Yes.
They start hooking up.
My mom is an elitist.
She's an intellectual.
So Michelle is like...
You sure about that?
She is.
She's scary.
Fist fighting your dad.
Yeah.
So anybody she meets who like brings her a new like piece
of meat to chew on intellectually, she's like, you're in.
That's where the attention goes.
Yes.
The new shiny toy is this new thought process or whatever.
Right, so now me and my mom are best friends
because I studied philosophy and I got,
and my sister is kicked out of the gang.
My sister was D1 athlete and my mom was like,
you're the star, Jordan, you're fat and weird.
And then I was like, philosophy, and she was like,
Jamie, you're out, Jordan, you're in. And my sister's like, philosophy, and she was like, Jamie, you're out. Jordan, you're in.
And my sister's like, I did everything.
Yes, exactly.
So then-
Was Michelle in Landmark too?
Yeah, all in Landmark.
They're still in Landmark.
That is wild.
They love it.
What the fuck?
There's no central leader.
That's how they get around a lot.
What'd you say?
There's no central leader.
Secular cult.
Yikes.
The whole thing in Landmark is like,
you know, you're the reason for all your problems.
That's like the overall thing.
It's like if you have beef with somebody,
it's because you're getting something from the beef,
which is helpful when you're being raised by bombs,
because you can just be like, well,
if you have a problem with me drinking beers,
isn't that something to do with you?
And they're like, damn it.
What, do they go to meetings every week or whatever is that what it is?
I think my mom got to the point of being a
seminar leader and
I think Michelle and Donna go like to seminars like a couple times a year or something. Donna's Michelle's new wife
Yeah, I mean this is wild. Yeah, I don't need I mean I think the game is broken thus far. Uh
Family vacation. What was that like growing?? No none. What is nothing there was some camping?
We would go camping and my dad would have sex with different women
Man dude Jensen's fucking party dude my dad
Was the dated the hottest women ever and the good thing about if they dated the women that meant I got food
So I could manipulate them. You are like a cat.
Yeah.
Yeah, what do you mean he got food?
Well, they were obsessed with him
because he was this hot cowboy.
And he was like, these are my girls.
They come first.
I got a stable of them.
Yeah, so then I would go to the girlfriends
and I'd be like, you know what, daddy, likey?
Cinnamon toast crunch.
He likey when baby isn't hungry.
And so then-
Did your dad cook? Was he feeding you and stuff like that on a regular basis? You know what I ate at my dad's? Cinnamon toast crunch. He likey when baby isn't hungry. And so then.
Did your dad cook?
Was he feed you and stuff like that on a regular basis?
You know what I ate at my dad's?
Canned cocktail, fruit cocktail.
And I would drink the syrup.
Oh, yikes.
He's dead so I can talk totally about him.
He would, dude, he would go like this.
He'd take those packets of oatmeal
that are super sugary and rip three
and then put them in the microwave
and that was dinner all the time. Oh my God. I love those. I know.
Apples and cinnamon. Apples and cinnamon.
That's the one I had. I can't I can't even put cinnamon in my oatmeal anymore
because it reminds me of it too much. It's crazy. It's crazy.
So no semblance of a normal childhood at all.
No, only when I went to friend's house. But then the friend's house,
they would always kick me out eventually
Yeah, I was gonna say you the friends parents weren't like you were a stray cat to them. Probably they were very I was also very bad
I don't feed her she yeah go away
Why would they kick out me and my sister were notoriously like the fucking the dad?
Yeah, not me Jesus Christ. I was nobody's fucking me
So for kids I was begging I was I was the bully also in school,
so I'd be like, we're gonna play a game called tag.
If I catch you, you have to kiss me in order to get untagged.
And they'd be like, no!
That was my game.
So, but yeah, we were, like kids weren't allowed
over at our house, because it was like,
probably their parents.
Yeah, they were like, you can't.
Their parents are like, you're not going to the Jensen's.
No way, neither of them. A lot of them, my mom, because they weren't there. They just weren't Yeah, they were like, you can't. Their parents are like, you're not going to the Jensen's. No way, neither of them.
A lot of them, my mom,
because they weren't there, they just weren't around.
They were always working.
They were living in a grocery store.
What the fuck, of course.
And so, and I just lived to other kids' houses,
but then their parents would be very like,
you know, you have to, this kid has to go.
And I would be like, dude, let's just go.
We can steal your mom's car.
I mean, I'd be like 12.
We can be in New York by fucking noon.
So you would go to your friends and stay for multiple days?
Yes, which became a problem.
Because my mom would always call and be like,
they're going to the same school.
Just let her sleep over.
And they'd be like, you can't sleep over in school nights.
And she'd be like, that doesn't make sense.
Your mom would say, just stay there.
Oh, yeah.
For the love of me.
Imagine being on the other end of that phone
and being like, you don't want your daughter home tonight? It's Tuesday. No, yeah. For the love of me, I'm being on the other end of that phone and being like,
you don't want your daughter home tonight. It's Tuesday.
No, no, never wanted us home as much. She would ground us.
She'd be like, you're grounded. And then if we hung around, she'd be like,
why are you still here? What is going on?
Yeah, it was rough after school. After school helped raise me.
Did you know about after school programs at school?
You would stay at school.
It's like you have child care.
After. Yeah.
What the fuck? Jesus Christ.
How old are you when you're doing that?
Elementary school the whole way.
So after school, you would stay there.
Yeah, you'd stay there until six when your mom and then I would pick you up or whatever.
Well, it's just you and the janitor.
I would walk home. It was close.
You would walk home?
My house was like five blocks away.
Yeah, I'd walk home.
Yeah.
And then I would always jump the fence and run home.
And they would call my mom and be like,
your kid is skipping school.
She'd be like, she's right here.
Who cares?
Just leave her alone.
Wait, you would skip, you would get to school,
run out, jump the fence, get home.
Sometimes, if we had to do physical fitness stuff, yeah.
I'm really going home.
Yeah, totally. And yeah, I just lived in Frentes., yeah. I'm going home, yeah, totally.
And yeah, I just lived in Fanta.
I just like how the whole town was like,
all right, these two are lost causes.
Just let them do whatever they want.
Oh yeah, we did whatever we want.
We were, I mean, it always got us in the end.
Like I got to jail, my sister got.
What age was the first run in with the police?
Oh my God.
I mean, one time I stole the car and drove it so far
when I was 13 and I can't believe I didn't get caught
but I almost got caught.
13, you stole your mom's car?
Yeah.
How'd you know how to drive?
It was an orange vibe, I was about to say that.
What's a vibe?
It's a mom car, it's a lesbian mom car.
What brand is that?
I don't know, good question.
Oh, it's a Pontiac Vibe.
Oh, I know what you're talking about.
Looks like an Aztec a little bit.
Yeah. It's rough. It's a very lesbian mom's car. Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You stole your mom's car cuz I could drive cuz I was driving on the farm so young cuz my you know
I mean my dad would be like you have to go drive to the other
Stables and shit or do stuff
So I knew how to drive and I had a baby
I had my dad bought a tractor for me when I was really little ripped the mower off and was like that
That's yours. So I was just, meh, meh, around.
Just cruising around.
Yeah, that was fun.
My life on the farm before school started was sick.
We loved that.
Dogs.
It's fun, yeah.
Horses.
Before school started meeting, what do you mean?
Like before I started having to go to school
and then realizing how other kids lived
and then trying to live off of them, it was good.
Like the farm was good.
Gotcha. Like if I had read on it as my mom,
I would have suffered, I would have been like,
Jack, you have to go to rehab for weed or whatever,
you have to quit smoking weed
and we have to make this work a little bit longer,
because I think the dichotomy of like,
you're a farm kid and now you're going to public school
where kids are like, what are you?
Yeah, it's too hard of a transition.
Yeah, and then, cause Jamie was at Lansing,
so they were all like that, they were all paintball pieces of shit
But I was in Ithaca where they're like what the hell are you and wait your sister went to a different school
She went to my dad's he stayed there. Yeah. Oh, she stayed there most of the time when you would go to your mom's
No, she stayed in that school system
For I think no she went to middle school in Ithaca
But her elementary school is going to different schools than your siblings is wild.
We did that the whole way.
Yeah.
That is absolute trash.
Well, I went to the-
I don't think you said one thing
that's even borderline not garbage.
I know, it's rough.
And then I went to middle school, high school,
she went to the public school.
So I went to a public school that was for like,
bad kids, not bad kids, but kids.
Not good kids.
Let's just say bad kids.
Yeah, let's just say bad kids.
Yeah, it was like the hippie slash bad kids school.
Alternative.
It was, it's called the alternative creative school.
Now was this after you went to the normal school
for a little while and they were like,
we gotta get her out of here or just off the rip?
They were like, high school, she's going to this
special school. Were you a good student?
No. What? I'm trying to find a silver, high school, she's going to this special school. Were you a good student? No. What?
I'm trying to find a silver lining here.
Maybe she's autistic and has a really good accountant
or something. The only thing I had
was I was super, like, if I got in trouble
with anybody with the cops or with,
I lived in the detention's office,
I could just talk to the principal and be like,
look, listen, I was just trying to make everybody laugh.
I'm making a joke. It's me. Yeah, I was just trying to make everybody laugh. I'm making a joke, I had to lighten it. It's me.
Yeah, I was very good at talking my way through things
and the humor was there the entire time.
So I was like, my whole-
Charming at least.
Yeah, my whole mission in life was to go into class,
make everybody laugh.
I did not care about the information.
I would just try and destroy and then get kicked out.
So they were like, you gotta go to,
she'll die if she goes to the public school.
She'll, because I was like, thought that I would,
I was like a bully but also got bullied.
And they were like, this won't work.
I mean, she's wearing like Hello Kitty gloveys.
This is crazy.
What the fuck?
Yeah, I was like going into school looking insane
and then being like, give me your money.
And they were like, what?
Or I'll kiss you.
Who was bullying you?
Boys.
So I bullied girls and boys bullied me.
Hurt people hurt people, you know what they say.
Yeah, my sister was bullying me too, like a lot.
She was beating me up.
She was beating the shit out of me.
Social services showing up at the house is wild.
They showed up at school.
That was so weird.
I remember exactly.
You cannot, you were always that kid.
Yeah.
How old were you when this happened?
The second they show up at school,
that's public knowledge.
I know.
They were so sweet.
I went to school for a semester before the pandemic
just to be like, maybe I should get a master's.
I don't know if comedy's, you know, just to feel good.
Cause I didn't want to be a contractor forever.
And it is crazy how studying MSW,
how many people I realized were social workers in my life.
I'm like, oh my God, that woman was a social worker,
that woman, like these women coming in and be like,
would you mind just like stepping into my office?
How do you feel?
And I was like, what are you, who are you?
And I would crush these people's soul.
I would be like, just like be farting in my armpit
and then be like, do you think that you could chase me,
fatty, and then run?
You know? it was crazy
And then
They would show up at school take you out of the class and
Talk to you. They were any like court appointed therapy or anything. Yeah. Yeah, I figured there was yeah, yeah family therapy
I used to sit at my dad's house and make prank phone calls
And I accidentally called our therapist.
Called the White House and stuff.
I called her.
Like I was recalling every number in the phone book, you know, just randomly.
And I remember her picking up and being like, is this Jordan?
And me being like, no.
I'll kill you, bitch.
What's the cop situation?
When did you first get busted for something?
It's so many.
I mean, the amount of times that cops have stopped.
Intervened at some point.
Oh my God. I used to call the cops all the time.
What are you doing?
I mean, the amount of times cops caught me graffitiing or.
Graffitiing?
Yeah. What the fuck?
What are you an MS-13?
I don't know.
Did you have a tag handle?
Yeah.
What was it? I know you did. It's have a tag handle? Yeah. What was it? I know you did.
It's really stupid.
Now hit me.
What was it?
It was a skull and crossbones with a bow.
That was your trademark?
Yeah.
She walks in both worlds.
I'm so interesting.
It's so fucked up.
Oh my God.
Do you ever try to rap at any point?
No.
Start a band?
But I loved Eminem.
Yeah.
I started a band, yeah.
What did you play? Guitar. Okay. Yeah. I started a band, yeah. What did you play?
Guitar.
Okay.
Yeah, we were the lovesick children.
Oh my God, you were.
Yeah, you were.
Yeah.
So what'd you get a room?
I'm sorry, who else was in it?
My best friend growing up, who that's the house,
that house saved me.
I mean, it was really fucked up
because they had a house on the lake, which was so fun.
So we would, like, I had this whole adventure land to plan,
but the parents were like, I hate you,
and I'd be like, that's totally okay.
I get that, I just need the yard.
You just can't make me go home,
and they'd be like, okay, I just want you to know I hate,
like they would sit down to dinner,
and they'd be like, oh, and I'd be like,
and they'd be like, yeah, sit down,
and then at night they would like,
That's brutal.
So sad, dude.
Yeah, I remember, the saddest thing is I remember going to sleep having sleepovers and being like
Praying that the mom would also kiss me good night and her never doing
story
So much being like I sleep with you guys. You're not on their door at 2 a.m. Yeah, and
What yeah and those that family they were like so no affection other than Michelle
Michelle who came in at 13 yeah, so then no I still am really I can't take affection from women
I think all of extra I can only take if if we are fucking I am glued to you like a fucking wet cat
I don't know if that makes sense
They're tend to be yeah
You know the cats that glue themselves to you when they're wet But yeah, I'm not good with affection like I'll start if a woman comes up to me after a show and is like
I'm like panic. I don't like it
So but if we're banging I'm like I'm like I want to be inside of you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What was okay? What was the first concert you went to oh?
um
The oh my god come on somebody the one
It's exactly who I should go to it. I got I have no AC DC
I don't know who is the bottles and cans seeds and stems that bottles and cans afro man no no
Bottles and cans seeds and oh my god god it's 311 no so seedy
what do you got bottles and cans see my god I was obsessed with them and rap
group commander Cody no look up it's like rock. Rehab? Rehab!
I don't even know what that is.
Rehab!
I love rehab!
I knew it was just a word.
Yeah dude, rehab.
And I had braces on and I had a giant choker
with a rose on it and I was so fat
and I remember being like,
we love you, we're huge fans.
I went with my friend whose house I grew up at
and they were like,
do you wanna come to our hotel room?
And I remember my ears going back
and being like whoa
I could fuck this guy right now
But I just need you to move for how old is that was 13 for sure you were 13
Braces on yeah, and then her dad was like there with you. Yeah, he was a good dad. Yeah, he was like that ain't happening
No, he was like that and Maria was like that my friend was like that isn't happening already in the van
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Yeah.
But then what happened was all my bad friends
started doing drugs.
So all my friends were like, now it's time for coke.
Like when they were like 16.
And I was like.
16, Jesus.
Yeah, and then I was like, no, I'm not ready for that.
Like, cause I was a punk at that point.
And then smoking cigarettes and stuff.
And then something happened,
I just started hanging out with these kids
that were kind of philosophical,
and then I started dating one of them,
and then I was like, oh, I'm so addicted to this.
And then I had to have a break with a bad friend.
So then I joined the philosophy. Gotcha, a little have a break with the bad friend. So then I joined the like philosophy.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
A little more crust like crunchy.
The philosophy clique.
The philosophy clique.
I've never heard that ever before.
It was like the, we would like play poker.
They were like the dorks, settlers of Catan.
How old are you?
That was.
How old are you now?
33.
Okay.
Yeah.
Gotcha.
So then, yeah.
And then I dated that kid. And then. This is high school you're talking about. That Yeah. Gotcha. So then, yeah, and then I dated that kid.
And then.
This is high school you're talking about.
That's high school.
And then.
Not a popular kid in high school.
I was, that's the thing is I was always popular.
Like not popular, not cool.
But I went to a hippie school.
Yeah.
So the hippie school has 32 kids in a grade.
So it's like.
32 kids in a grade.
Yeah.
So my best friend, who's still my best friend,
she was like super funny, super hot soup.
And I was not hot, but very funny.
So we were like when we would smoke blunts every morning,
we were like the class clowns smoking blunts in the morning.
Yeah. Such a high school dirtbag.
Yeah. Let's go on a blunt cruise.
Yeah. Coming.
We get like fucking Dutch masters. Yeah.
And we would start laughing so hard in class that we just put our foreheads on the tables with our hands down just like how
many kids are in class
like
20 okay, that's almost the whole
Oh, yeah, like you know in like English class 15 people or like everybody our big classes are big
The biggest it would get is 20 some of them had eight
Nobody in there, and it was all hippie. It was like you had to
There was like a community. There was a school farm. We didn't have any sports my dad
Or H club, please can we start a sports team and they were like no 32 kids are gonna start sports
It was like a it was like a farm where we'd grow the stuff to put in our school lunches
And that was like a committee that I called Herbivores.
Yeah. Fuck. Yeah.
This was a private school. No public.
No, this is a public school. No money.
They wanted to shut it down so many times.
This is the public school for weird kids.
Yeah. And then there's IHS, Ithaca High School, which is a public school for everybody.
So the weird kids, I mean, like we didn't have any grades.
We didn't have any tests.
We had student evaluations,
like there was no, the way, my chemistry class, yeah.
The chemistry class was like, she brought in like pig lungs
and we dissected them, like there was no,
I don't know periodic table,
I don't know anything about anything.
I don't know geography, I know nothing.
Geometry, trigonometry.
No, I failed all of those in college,
I had to manipulate my way through them.
I had three tutors in chemistry.
And then I waited till there was a,
I waited till there was an assistant dean
and then I went in and I was like,
hey, the other dean was about to sign this.
Can you sign this?
And what it said was basically,
she doesn't have to take chemistry.
But that was how the alternative community school was.
Where it was like, you can do anything you want,
you just have to figure it out.
And I missed a lot of school because of the OCD so they would be like okay you you missed this entire class
So now you have to write like a ten like that can be your way out. Yeah paper on OCD
Yeah, wouldn't go to school. You'd wake up and be freaked out and couldn't go to school
The morning ritual would take so long whatever the washing that had to do so I would be late and I sleep really I'm late for
Everything I was late for this so I sleep really, I'm late for everything. I was late for this. So I sleep too long. The morning ritual.
There's so many.
Yeah, they're called rituals.
They're rituals, yeah.
So like whatever cleaning I had to do,
whatever like panic attack I had to have about going in.
Because everybody was contaminated at the school
but nobody could know because I was like the funny kid.
So I would literally, I would get a sixth grader
and be like, you, open the doors.
Your job is to open the doors throughout the day.
So they would open the doors and I'd be like, thanks, bitch.
And they'd be like, you're weird.
And then I would go in.
It's fucking nuts. Yeah.
It's not lots of medication going on.
Uh huh. OK. I mean.
Who anyway, what's the first arrest?
I assume we get to it first time you got arrested.
First time I got arrested was probably
I was living in the Adirondacks with my...
What?
Actually, that's not true.
I was arrested in the back of a car for something.
What did I do?
Grade school, high school?
A party or something.
High school, there was something in high school.
Weed, I was arrested in the back of a cop car for weed
and then they let you go.
Okay.
They like book you and let you go because we all had weed my stepbrothers
We would get everybody's where did the one of the stepbrothers Michelle has two boys Michelle has I slept with one of them
What yeah after or before or Dory after?
So they separated and then you hooked up with Michelle's step you hooked up with Michelle. So is your ex-stepbrother? It's like clueless. Yeah
Your age with Michelle, so it's your ex-stepbrother. It's like clueless. Yeah. That's why I did it. How old were they? Was they your age?
He's seven years older.
Seven years older.
And how old were you?
20, 19, 19.
So they got married when you were 13?
Was it hot?
Yeah.
I mean, it was like buzz.
I've seen the videos.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
It wasn't, nothing about me in sex is hot,
but it was hot for me because I always was like you're so cool
You know and you guys lived together for seven years when they were married. Yeah
And then I moved out and went to college and then I came back and I was like hey
I'm like I'm like a slot now. Did you have to convince him or he was on board?
No, I think I think. Does Michelle know this? Well, we kept it a secret from her for a long time
But then it where was but then it was so
funny cuz I tell my mom everything and I was like mom I'm gonna fuck Tyler and
she was like that's crazy before the way Tyler wants this public it's so public
I don't say there's no way he's totally fine with it he knows we were just hung
out the other night I almost fought his friend it got really fucked up what what
bro I want to talk about a friend trash me the other night being almost followed his friend. It got really fucked up. What? What? Bro, you wanna talk about trash me the other night
being like yo, I will fuck dude,
I got trashy the other night.
Two nights ago, this dude, Tyler brought this guy.
Wait, was it dude?
He was this huge dude, and he was like,
I have to eat all this meat right now for this diet I'm on,
and I was like, I have to eat,
and he was like, you're gonna eat meat, I'm a vegan,
and he was at the stand, and he was like.
Wait, you have to eat meat? I have to eat meat. Okay, and he's a vegan. He's a vegan
You should hit him. He starts telling me all this horrible
I'm a horrible person and I'm like, how about you shut the fuck up?
And then I'm Tyler's like just eat your dinner and I was like, I'm not gonna eat this dude's gonna do something crazy
He was like I am I'm actually gonna throw a glass at you
So then I'm like dude, you're a little fucking little dick. This is the first time you met this guy
Yeah, what is this happening your apartment at the stand?
First time you met this guy? Yeah.
What is this happening?
Your apartment?
At the stand.
What the fuck?
And then we got-
They came to a show.
Yeah, and he got wasted.
He was at like five Long Island ice teas deep.
And then I was like, dude, I'm gonna fucking,
I'm gonna have fucking five dudes bounce you out of here.
And one said, that doesn't happen.
There's only Pete.
There's only Pete.
I'm gonna be all over you like a wet cat.
You keep this up.
First time you met the guy,
he comes to a show with Tyler.
You guys are eating dinner.
Trying to give me advice is like, do you record your sets? I'm like who the fuck are you shut the fuck up?
I record about a listen to him. Yeah, do better listen to your eating dinner at the stand
He says he's gonna smash a glass. Yeah, cuz I'm eating me Tyler's working with him
They're not friends and he's like I had no idea this dude was that crazy and I was like, dude
I'm going to wreck this guy and then Tyler doesn't even believe what's going on because me and this dude are both getting so like
Yo, and Tyler's like
This is a bit right and I'm like no, dude
I think I'm about to fucking kill this guy and he's like I think I'm about to kill you and I'm like
How about this you fucking get the fuck out of here or I'm gonna you know, and I'm like getting so I get really rageful
I have a lot of rage
Cool. Yeah
No, I know I we didn't get along in the beginning
Yeah, I know I we didn't get along in the beginning
Yeah, okay
What does Tyler live
Does he live in the city? He's in Kelly. So he was here visiting. Yeah, Jesus. Okay, I mean, I mean it's crazy
If you ever had a lot are you close with your other stepbrother Barry and Michelle yeah, not as close as you and Tyler impossible
different Ryan's more like my little more sexual yeah Ryan's more about he
made this okay very cool Tyler Orion Ryan okay he like Tyler's like I might
marry him someday Ryan's like he's my brother I don't marry him just for the
sake of yeah yeah yeah future gents yeah just you got to break the chain at some
point yeah you got a fucking you you got to break the pattern here.
Yeah. Where's your mom living now?
Ithaca. She's a giant, massive land that she.
Not in the grocery store.
No, she's crushing it. We're all crushing it.
Jamie's crushing it. Jamie's a fucking top real estate lady.
Mom's got this giant development with that amazing community houses and it's so beautiful.
I'm, I fucking have, doing so good.
We're all doing great.
It's crazy.
It's so weird.
I never thought, but we're still trash.
Yeah, you just offered to fight a guy at work.
Dude, I just ate off of some comic the other day
at the Left Their Food and I ate their plate
and people were like, you gotta not do this.
All the time my feature will be like, you can't people are like you got to not do all the time my
Feature will be like you can't you don't have to steal stuff from the green room you paid for that
Sorry, you're a rider and I'm like no
Chomp sticks he's like you asked for those those are your chomp sticks and I'm like do you steal at the airport?
Yes, when was the last time you shoplifted?
Yep, okay in the city no in the airport. What'd you take?
That's fair enough. I feel like you were one of those kids that went to the pediatrician for like into your 20s. Oh
No, no doctors. No doctors. No, no doctors growing up. No, that's weird
chiropractor
Chiropractor as a kid? I was so fat it hurt my back.
HAHAHAHA Doctor says I need a baggy out of me. Your mom didn't send you to the pediatrician growing up? Chiropractor a chiropractor as a kid. I was so fat it hurt my back
Your mom didn't send you to the pediatrician growing up
No, generally physical nothing at the nurse at school. That's not a physical
dentist You told us yeah, and I'm fucking your mom
We were we met nobody went to the doctor. My dad was so against doctors, he died.
Till they steal your thoughts.
He's very.
How old was he when he passed?
58.
58, how long ago was this?
10 years.
Gotcha.
Huh, have you ever worn Axe body spray?
Yeah.
Yeah you have.
Yeah, I had to do it the other day in the boxing gym
because they.
You didn't have to do it the other day.
Oh they sprayed me.
Oh, you smelled?
Really bad.
It was-
You're showing up and people are like,
you gotta do something about her.
You're still a street cat.
I boxed the day before and I didn't have time to shower.
I had to go to shows and then I-
Wait, so you boxed, didn't shower, went to do shows,
went home, slept, woke up, went back to the boxing gym?
Yeah.
Jesus, you're a girl.
What girl-
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure, Jesus.
I know. I don't like showering very much. I don't like ever being naked. Oxygen yeah, Jesus. You're a girl what girl?
I don't like showering very much. I don't like ever being naked okay
I'm still feral. It's crazy if somebody said it to me the other day when I described
They're like oh, you're in New York City Hick, and I was like yes. Yeah, that's right city Hick I have to live in Prospect Park. I'm there all day every day hmm
That's where you live now Prospect Park. I'm there all day every day. Hmm. That's where you live now Prospect Park. Yeah
No solo you got your own place with my doggy you dog
I don't know anybody that would put up living with you that would be insane
I lived with Michael Rowland and Ethan Simmons Patterson. Okay best comedy house ever, but then I needed I
Was going through a horrible breakup and every time I got back together with him
They would be like we don't like this be like, then I will choose toxicity over you.
So I moved out.
Well then you can't tell me what to do, I'm leaving.
Yeah.
Uh huh.
Now I'm trying to do, I'm an SLA, I'm boxing,
I have a nutritionist, sex and love addicts.
What's that?
She's a sex and love addict.
Sex and love addicts anonymous.
Sex and love addict? sex and love at its anonymous
sex and love at a yeah You're my overlord, you tell me what to do. And they're like, I'm just a guy. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, you're my boss.
And they're like, no, you don't have a boss.
You're a grown woman.
I'm like, no, no.
And then they go, okay, I wanna break up with you
because you're weird.
And then I go, no.
I'm not going home.
You go psycho?
I don't go psycho, yeah.
I smash some windows.
I do.
Okay.
The most recent psycho thing was I broke my hand.
I was like, because this dude was very mean to me,
and then I would keep getting back together with him,
and I went outside and I punched my motorcycle,
and I broke my hand, and that was like,
I was like, oh, this has gotta stop.
Sounds like the Hells Angels, dude.
I know.
Where are you meeting these guys?
Comedy unfortunately I date comics you date comics
Okay
Glutton for punishment where am I supposed to meet people? Hey? I'm not judge. I'm not judging
How am I supposed all I do is podcast and then go I know we dated for years. Yeah
Huh, so hard. I mean I knew this was years. Sure. Huh. It's so hard.
I mean, I knew this was gonna be a little dicey,
but I was not prepared for this.
I mean, this is insane.
You're doing good now though.
You got your own place.
Any moves towards a little bit of a classier existence?
I bought a house.
What, nice! You bought a house what nice water how are at
Upstate Ithaca very great very cool. It's out of there. I know what are you doing?
We're going back to the it's outside of it the gun like in a very beautiful little farm
How close to your family 20 minutes too close?
I have I have I love my family now because it's mom mom mom sister niece
It's five women and they rule.
OK.
Mom, mom, mom.
Michelle's the other.
Michelle, Donna, and real mom.
Yeah.
And they're all, they're tight too.
They're so tight.
And then my sister and then my niece.
So we have these ladies and they, it's all good.
Now that the men have been removed, everything's great.
Your sister's not married.
No, she was married to a man and then he started having sex with big fat prostitutes
Okay, big ones. Hey, you can't you can't no no no shame big
like
Gnarly, so then we're all like
All we're trying to do is fight tooth and nail to get out of our trashy existence and every time we take one step forward
Somebody's like nah, you're right back where you started. We're like, what? She was in suburbia, had the husband, had the kid.
Had it all, had won the game.
Couldn't.
And now she's back in it, yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
So, yeah.
When'd you buy the house?
So recently, last September.
Great, congratulations.
Thank you, it's adorable.
That's awesome.
Investment property, I would assume?
Investment property.
Gotcha.
Very network.
Because I couldn't do the stock thing.
Everybody saw me do the stock thing,
and I just couldn't get myself
to do it. So I bought gold and I bought a house.
I mean, you are a fucking dirt bag.
Yeah, they do say buy gold.
Yeah, yeah.
Especially with everything with all the turmoil going on.
Uh huh. OK.
What kind of car do you have? Motorcycle.
Oh, I bet. Truck upstate.
A truck upstate and a motorcycle. Yeah. OK.
How often do you get back to the house in Ithaca?
A good amount or not a lot?
I just got it, so I've only been back once.
So I'm going to go back Thanksgiving, Christmas,
and then I'll stay there for April
and just do upstate gigs.
And you leave your truck there?
I leave my truck there, yeah.
I don't like having a car in the city.
It makes me feel more trashy with the tickets,
and then it gets dirty and it's like, I just I affiliate
having a vehicle because I had I had a truck for so many years as being
like I was like, it's more classy to just take the train and take Ubers.
Because when I have a car, it's like just becomes a just trash in the area.
Yeah. Do you think the motorcycle everywhere?
Oh, Kenny died and I saw him in the hospital.
And I since then, like have not been able to get on it,
which is crazy.
Because. Smart.
You know what it was?
I'm so nihilistic, like I'm like,
if I die, I've had a happy life, it's okay.
But there was something about all of the comics
around Kenny looking at him and being like,
dude, he's right there, like his body, like get up.
Like you were just here a second ago,
then I was like, oh yeah, I'm like,
my family will be around me and being like,
we don't want, like my niece will be like,
we don't want you to die.
Even if I'm okay with it, like if I get depressed
to a level around like who cares.
But I do wanna get back on it,
I just need to not be a pussy.
But it is a fucking nightmare too.
You show up to every gig just like.
You smell like you work at Pet Boys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How long you been riding a motorcycle though? What did you start riding? Just like two years ago. Just
Two years ago. Yeah, I didn't know where well
I was driving those revels everywhere and then I was like this is taking all my money
So I just bought a motorcycle and taught myself cuz I know stick really well and it's basically stick just with your feet
Do you drink motorcycle no sober? I don't drink
I would drink
But I just have because I was so fat any amount of I have to like be so rigid with all my calories
I get fat okay. Yeah, I
Mean I do mushrooms sometimes microdose II okay. Yeah, would you get your passport I?
Got my passport my dad sent me to God, Ecuador to build a house, which was such he was client.
Well, like charity, it was like that his community, his business and this business
were having a they were having like a joint like build a house in Ecuador,
work with the contractor in Ithaca or whatever.
So he was like, you go and do this,
which was then so weird because this guy
who was getting the missionaries to run the,
to build the house,
it was like we were building a house up in a community
in Ecuador, right?
And there's this guy who looks like Jesus
and he's like, thank you, I'm bringing you,
the Americans to help the Ecuadorians.
And then we go to his farm and I'm like, oh, all of these Ecuadorians
who lived in this community are working on his giant avocado farm.
And I'm like, you're giving them a house through missionaries.
And then they are your slave.
They're living there.
And I brought this up and everybody at the thing was like, chill, chill, chill.
How old are you when this happened?
That I must have been
17
17 your dad sends you to Ecuador for how long? That's the most normal thing she said all fucking day
How long were you there?
Maybe like two weeks or something, but they needed somebody who could do mason work, and I could do mason work
All 17 year old girls. You know what I mean? I need a bricklayer, call up Jensen.
Yeah, I love Mason work, that's my favorite.
I mean, do you not operate a forklift?
Yes. Yes.
You ever own a potato gun?
No. Paintball gun?
Yes. Yeah.
BB guns?
Yes. Gun gun?
I can't, I shot a gun in Omaha a couple years ago,
but I can't do it because I have the...
Too close.
I can't, I had to put a roofing for that. I mean, that's one way to put that, just a hand movement.
Yeah, I'm too scared.
Like if there was an exacto knife on the table,
I would ask you guys to move it,
because I'd be so tempted to just fucking take it
and just be good.
Oh Jesus Christ.
You know what I mean?
Psycho.
Yeah.
I don't like heights anymore either, because I'll jump.
Did your dad have guns growing up?
No, he's anti-gun.
He's very.
He's very anti-Vietnam War, you said. Yeah, I have guns growing up. No, he's anti gun. He's very he's very anti Vietnam War, you said.
Yeah, he thought everybody should have one musket
that you'd have to musket. Yeah.
That you'd have to load and then you could shoot somebody.
But he was so anti gun.
He would be freaking out.
I don't I don't know if how do you feel about Biden,
but he would have been totally a Bernie guy.
He would have been all. Yeah, sure. That makes sense. Yeah.
We ever into hacky sack. Yeah. Yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. Were you ever into hacky sack?
Yeah!
Yeah, you were.
I fucking knew it.
And devil sticks.
Yeah, me too!
Shout out to it.
Yeah, devil sticks were so fun.
You were doing devil sticks in high school?
Yeah.
I might be Jordan Jensen.
After school, you and your friends, you're doing it?
Devil sticks, outside, hacky sack.
My boyfriend was the hacky sack king.
Mine too! Yeah, and then I out the my boyfriend. My boyfriend was the hacky sack king mine, too
yeah, and then I had the devil sticks and
Because we didn't we had ultimate frisbee. That was the only thing you could play at our school that you're allowed to play There was no sports. So it was devil sticks hacky sack your squad must have
Sounds like the Renaissance. They were yeah, they were all got. Oh my god. It was so like their hands. No
I was the Gotham. You were the only Goth one in your squad. Okay.
They were more like.
Wait, Renaissance, what do you mean?
I bid you good morrow.
Many times?
Yes, yes, yes.
Really?
They curtsy and stuff like that?
Yes.
They were living in fucking fantasy land, these kids.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I was like, I would have to sneak out from the Smart Kids
once I joined that crew who were like hacky sacky
and rip a cig.
And they'd be like, what are you doing? And I'd be like, nothing.
You know, like it was, my little punk ways I had to like divorce.
When did you start smoking?
Whenever I started being a buser, so probably 14, 13? Young.
You were busing tables?
That was your first job busing tables.
You had nothing about you has been
What a girl would do ever right bus boys if I was a bus boy. He was a bus no girls first
They were cashiers pizza place a dry cleaner babysit. You're doing mason work in bus and tables
I never also I just didn't look there. I know everybody it was like I was a boy
I was raised like a boy, and then it was just kind of like,
I still feel, I don't feel like a boy,
but when I'm with women, I'm like, I am not.
I'm not one of you.
I'm not whatever you are.
I'm not one of you, but I feel more like one of you guys.
I got it, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh.
That's why I have so much beef
with all my friends becoming trans men.
I'm like, no shit, that's what we're, but don't.
You can't do that, you're breaking up the band, yo, go.
You know what I mean?
Like, you gotta suffer with me
with these stupid tits and face.
Okay, I mean, I don't even know where to,
anybody in your family ever live on a houseboat?
That's all I got.
No houseboat, I wish.
No houseboat, yeah, it's pretty cool.
They were all in the attic of a barn.
I know, it's true.
You got an air fryer
Do you cook I just started cooking because what do you call it if we were coming over and you're like I got one
Dish you could never come into my house. Okay. Why is that?
It's a tiny studio I love it, but it's a tiny studio
It's just like a playpen for me and my dog my kitchen kitchen's tiny. Refer to your house as a playpen for you and an animal.
That's your safe space.
It's like camera equipment, tools.
I love it.
And but you couldn't come in there.
Where would you sit?
On my bed?
I don't know.
I would not sit on your bed.
I have a leather couch.
I got a nice little couch.
OK.
It's very tight, but I like that because I'm
right by Prospect Park.
So I just go out into the wilderness, which I like.
But the I just last because I'm right by Prospect Park, so I just go out into the wilderness, which I like. But the, I just last night I cooked,
I just told myself, my best friend told me how to do this.
I put chicken in a bag with miso and soy sauce.
Okay.
And then I, but I was supposed to put it in the air fryer,
but I didn't because I wanted sweet potatoes
and all at once and I wanted to go to bed.
So I put it in the instapot.
Okay.
With some broth.
Like a crock pot?
Yeah.
And then I just let that cook for a little while.
I think I overcooked it, but that's okay,
because I get OCD about the chicken.
And then I, so that's what I eat.
What do you mean in a bag?
You put it in a bag.
I put it in a bag to marinate.
Oh, gotcha, okay.
And then I dumped it into the pot with sweet potatoes
and onions.
I'm surprised she cooked it, if I'm being honest.
Yeah.
I thought she was like, then I just ate it.
Yeah, yeah.
And I eat at the clubs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just a lot of me.
Huh.
Oatmeal.
Oatmeal, yeah.
You ever cut the sleeves off a hoodie?
Yeah.
Yeah, you have.
Wow, that's so weird that you said that.
I just set a hoodie out and I was like,
I'll cut the sleeves off it.
And then I'll wear this more.
Wow.
You pee in the shower? Every single time. I was like I'll cut the sleeves off it and then I'll wear this more Wow
In the shower
Every single time you brush your teeth in there. Yeah, is that trashy? Yeah. Yeah, it's efficient and better, but it's trashy
I imagine you leave your nose brush. No way toothbrush in the shower. Oh, you have OCD. I don't have cleanliness
Oh, see, that's what what do you think that toothbrush looks like? It's nice a plunger. I don't know.liness, Ocie. Ah, that's what mine is. What do you think that toothbrush looks like? It's nice. A plunger?
I don't know.
It's electric.
Okay.
Okay, I'll give you that.
When was the last time you replaced?
I have money, that's the thing.
I know.
As soon as somebody goes, like this shirt,
I was like, my friend took me shopping
and she was like, you can wear boy clothes,
but they have to be nice.
So I'll just, whatever you tell me to buy, I'll buy.
So when was the last time you replaced the head
on the toothbrush?
Oh, gosh.
Got it, that thing's gotta look. Yeah a lot of gunked up. It's gone
The floss every day no
No way do you guys know okay anybody in your family pronounce it the days of the week as Monday Tuesday Wednesday
Yeah, yeah, well that all the dudes. I grew up with, this is what I always say, the trash accent with women
is like, Monday, it's like a car
revving or a car overheating where it's like,
ee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee, but a man,
all the men on the construction crews that grew up,
it's like a car stalling out, so it's like, wee-mer-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er-me-er I mean, you made money, dude. We're gonna go down to Baby Grapple. My nickname was Jobe.
That's my, everybody knows me as Jobe.
What's Jobe?
Just my nickname.
In high school or?
My entire life.
In the penitentiary.
If you go to Ithaca, you will walk around.
And you ask about Jobe.
You'll hear just left and right, Jobe!
And I'm like, ugh.
Were you guys kinda known around town growing up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not in a good way. like the whites in West, Virginia
Probably not in a good way
Yeah, no
It was not to be like I went to the farmers market once as a kid and immediately
I get called into the police because somebody got robbed from the farmers market
So I had to go to the cops and I ended up
Crushing because the cop brings me in and he's like did you steal this money from this thing?
And I was like dude, do you what money from this thing and I was like dude
Do you what cuz I was so young I was like, what do you think?
I have rubber arms you think my arm can extend all the way out go around the thing
Oh and hook it you think I'm a last man you think I'd be an it think if I was last and he was dying
He was like you can go somebody robbed one of the vendors. I was in
Actually wasn't me but that yeah, oh, that's how I got arrested in target stealing so many times. Oh boy
Stealing so many times at the mall. I forgot about all the mall
Claire's we would load up and then we get home and go like this and drop all yeah
If you have you ever intentionally given anybody the wrong directions
No
Bad person if you get a piece of mail that's not in your name. What do you do with it?
Put on the stairs really really what do you do? I throw it out. That's that guy's problem
Oh, I put it on the stair. I live in apartment building. That's good. Yeah, I mean you never stole any Amazon packages
No, okay, but I'm looking for a sweater that looks like that by the way, okay, but I have
ordered stuff from Amazon
Called Amazon said I didn't get it, refunded.
What are we talking?
Big ticket item?
The bigger the more often I'm doing that, yeah.
Like what, TV?
Not TV, but maybe like, okay, for instance,
I bought a thing to like a cabinet,
and it was dog shit, and I was like,
this is fake wood, this is dog shit,
I'm pissed about it, I'm gonna use it,
but I called them and it was like,
I don't care. Gotcha.
You said it never got there.
Yeah, but during the pandemic, all bets were off. I'm ordering stuff, whatever I'm ordering, I'm gonna use it, but I called him and I was like, I don't care. I don't respect that. Yeah, but during the pandemic, all bets were off.
I'm ordering stuff, whatever I'm ordering, I'm saying.
I stole from Whole Foods.
Dude, they said wear a mask.
I was like, oh, don't mind if I do.
She shows up in a ski mask.
I taught all my friends, I taught Mike Racine,
I taught Chloe Radcliffe, I taught all my friends
how to steal from Whole Foods,
how to get all of the good stuff and walk out.
I stole, when I was a contractor in New York,
100% of my lumber was stolen, so I could-
From where?
Lowe's.
What the fuck?
Lowe's was great, because if you're a woman,
you can walk in and they're like, oh, oh, oh,
and if you have lumber, they're like,
the door, I'll get the door, because they can't believe it.
So I would steal fucking so many saws,
anything I wanted. Saws? Dude, I would load fucking so many saws, anything I wanted.
Saws? Dude, I would load up my truck with like 200 two by fours or whatever.
And then I'd go in with one two by four and I would check out with it.
And my game plan, if I ever get caught, which I didn't, was they would be like,
you only bought one. I'd be like, no, I told them I had, you know, 40 on the truck.
And they'd be like, oh, we just didn't hear you say that.
I'd be like, oh, my God, that's crazy.
Jesus Christ. I mean, so whole foods. And they'd be like oh, we just didn't hear you say that I'd be like oh my god. That's crazy
I mean so
Whole Foods
Dude hot bar stuff is that what you're stealing bro?
Hit the hot bar hot bar gets expensive you got big eyes when you're there the next thing you know it's like
$48 with you I steal the hot bar like every day
I I'm can't whole foods
I have money, and I will buy all my groceries
but stealing a quarter pound of sweet potatoes
and paying $16 for it, I can't do it.
I'm like, I'm going to walk through,
I'm gonna pay for everything
and I'm gonna be holding this box
and this is my token that I get.
To them while they are looking at you?
Like do the self checkout.
I do the self checkout.
Okay.
Yeah.
Gotcha.
That hot bar is hors d'oeuvres.
It is finger, it is.
That's crazy. It's past hors d'oeuvres. It is it is. It's crazy. It's past or dance at a wedding.
Yeah. The whole time.
Really? I didn't peg you for a dancer.
I love dancing.
Oh, God. That's no one's ever said it with that tune of voice.
I love. I love.
Have you been to a wedding recently? Yeah.
My stepbrothers, Ryan's.
What did you put in the envelope as a gift?
I'm I bought the whole we all went out to brunch and I bought the whole meal great
Yeah, very nice just the family or the whole like wedding. It was like
$700 of people so it was probably like
Never heard anybody say that was $700 worth of people yeah
And I just did it was three gold coins, but my best friend's wedding. I brought thousand dollars in cash great
That's what you gave her in an envelope or just cash in an envelope. Okay card or just an envelope
That's pretty solid. I mean
He was like what the fuck it's all small bills, you know who cut your hair
You probably I cut my hair for years. Michelle is a hairdresser.
One of my mom's.
She owns a salon that my mom built for her.
So you when you go home, she cut your hair.
Well, now I go to the city.
I go to my name Liz at Spoken Wheels. Shout out.
So I just made an appointment for tomorrow because it is.
How much that cost you a lot.
I mean, I got my hair dyed blonde and it was $600.
Jesus.
What are your tip?
A lot.
I'm a big tipper except for on Uber and Lyft.
Okay.
No tips on Uber and Lyft.
Everybody else is getting at least 20%.
If you're doing a good job, you get my money.
You're driving.
A driver the other day had a water bottle.
You're getting the tip.
You got a suit on, you got a nice car,
you're getting the tip.
But the rest of these guys are fucking torn up freaking cameras fuck you
Crazy did you take the SATs or no? Yeah, I did I fucked my SAT tutor fuck fuck
That was inappropriate you're I mean you're not not this was not good. Yes, that was not good that should not have happened
I fucked my tutor and
He lived above the grocery store,
so he was in my old apartment.
And I remember fucking him and looking up at the ceiling
and seeing stars that I had put up as a kid.
What?
Wait, how come he moved into the grocery store
after you guys moved out?
It's a small town.
It's a really small town.
I mean, that's why.
Yeah, there's a lot of stuff for unpacking.
Sure, I mean, you got a lifetime to unpack
I you know yeah, I mean I got I don't even know what the fuck to ask her
She's trash what'd you get on the SATs you remember come it wasn't good
below a thousand
What well that's the thing and the whole thing has changed. I was probably at your time
It was probably at a 26 out of 24 hours. I remembered
Probably at your time it was probably... Out of 26.
Out of 2400.
I remembered 1400, is that a thing?
Yeah, so it was out of 2400.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Which was fine, but college I had to really,
I had to really, because they were like,
what are all these evaluations that I'm getting
from the alternative school?
I'm getting stick finger paintings
and descriptions that Jordan's a social butterfly.
Like what the fuck is this she just tags it
Yeah, so we had to call and call and be like because my boyfriend was going to that school and as you know
I'm a codependent, so I had to go to that school and then I ended up
Once I realized that I didn't that I could fuck other people. I went a little crazy. Okay. What school was that Alfred?
Alfred College University Alfred University art school. I didn was that? Alfred. Alfred College? University.
Alfred University.
This is an art school, I didn't go for art,
I went for philosophy.
Okay.
That was an alcohol.
What was the Christmas situation like growing up?
Did you decorate?
There's no God, God is not allowed in my house,
they don't like God, my dad or my mom,
so it was like, my dad.
I mean Christmas isn't necessarily God.
Yeah, but it was like Christmas
was a little bit sacrilegious.
So my dad would do presents,
always wrapped in newspaper, and then.
That's kitschy.
I liked it.
Yeah.
It wasn't kitschy for him.
It was probably the best he could ever.
Was there a tree?
Oh yeah.
When we were really young, there was a tree
that we would sew popcorn together
and use it as decorations, and then my mom was like,
we'd get like a pear tree or something, and she'd do more of like a pagan thing
because she was like, she loves the pagans.
The motorcycle gang, not the.
Yeah. No Christmas tree.
I mean, yes, she's fucking trash.
But when Michelle was with us Christmas tree,
so many decorations, like everything was beautiful.
Michelle was like, I'm telling you, Michelle is like my savior.
I mean, my mom is so cool because the only reason
I am a comedian is because my mom is so funny
and so intense.
But Michelle was like, oh you were.
Normal.
Yeah.
Yeah, Michelle when I have a panic attack is number one.
You know what I mean?
Call her.
Yeah, totally.
Gotcha.
I mean, you gotta come back.
Yeah, I mean there's so much more to unpack.
It's gonna be like the Chronicles of Big J again.
Yeah, I mean, fucking trash throw and throw,
not even close to.
You bite your fingernails.
I cut them lesbian short.
I saw proper dirt under the one.
Whoa.
Like she was just changing a carburetor.
How do people not get dirt?
It's because I'm in the park all day.
I spend a lot of time in the park.
What are you digging in there?
What are you doing?
I'm playing with my dang dog.
We get into it, dude.
I'm shadow boxing in the park.
They both have a piece of rope in their mouth.
They're just fucking going at it.
The other day I took a stick home
because I thought it looked cool
and my dog was like, can I have that stick now?
And I was like, no, it's mine.
You had like a minute where I was like,
I'm keeping this.
It's going to my show.
You brought a stick home from the park.
I mean, buddy, you were mine. You had like a minute where I was like I'm keeping this It's going from the party buddy you were yeah
Proper trash and super unique. That's a wild tale
Man one of the craziest stories we've had thus far for sure and I feel like we haven't even scratched the surface still so confused as like
the multiple moms and
now the grocery store the fact that one of your moms that you consider mom is the new wife of your ex-stepmom
She's is insane Donna if I don't have it
I feel like I have it pretty mapped out Donna's like the one who gets shit done
So Donna is like the one my mom is the one who's like I can literally be like you know
I'm I'm too fucked up on Molly talk me down. My mom's like all right. Here's what we're gonna do
Get yourself some sugar
Yeah
And then Michelle is like the sweet one who is like I love you should text me twice a day being like just you know
I love you and Donna is the one that I called the other day and I was like, I don't know how to cook
I don't know what I'm doing. How do I work a crock pot?
And she's like easy you need 20 20 grams of protein how many chicken breasts you got there, you know
So she's like that she's like the the fitness one, we're both into fitness.
It's the best.
And they're all together, holidays they're there.
Holidays we try and get all of us together.
Sometimes Michelle has to go to her side
or Don has to go to her side.
Sure, they're family.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, they're actual family.
Yeah.
And Michelle's mom is like my grandma, Grandma Fran.
Michelle's mom.
Yeah, so Franny just sent me a quilt that's on my bed now.
I mean, what the fuck?
I don't know.
I can't even wrap my head around that.
Michelle doesn't come from, Michelle comes from
trailer park, had Tyler when she was 15.
Michelle is like from trash to owns her own business,
makes so much money, so she has like her whole own.
So it's all derivative of.
No, yeah, there's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot that.
There's no old money in here.
Michelle is Tyler's mom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The stepbrother
that you slept with.
Oh, that's it. It's a really it's an underdog story. It's
really good. Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Jensen, 100%
garbage. Yes. A wild tale. Unbelievable buddy, we love you.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Thanks so much, yeah.
Anything you want the folks out there to know?
Hit them, you got, be in the air.
Please, please check out RIP Jordan Jensen.
It's kind of philosophy, psychology.
When was the, how did you get to a point
where you wanted to die?
How do you not die?
Check that out.
And all my tour dates are on punchup.live
slash Jordan Jensen.
Kipy, what do you got? Guys? We have one more a YG and friends that isn't sold out at Chelsea musical
Think that'll be this weekend of this coming out November 8th get tickets for that if they're still available. Thanks a lot
We love you gang. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace