Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Jordan Jensen Queen of Trash

Episode Date: September 11, 2025

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Jordan Jensen! You know Jordan Jensen from RIP Jordan Jensen, Kill Tony, Bein' Ian With Jordan, The Joe Rogan Experience, Stavvy's World, Good For You w/ Whitney Cummings, The Adam Friedland Show w/ Nick Mullen, Whiskey Ginger, Harland Highway, Trash Tuesdays and much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/garbage Nutrafol: Find out why Nutrafol is the best-selling hair growth supplement brand at https://Nutrafol.com promo code GARBAGE. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Attention, homies and bozos. If you're looking for hot, local dirtbags in your area, then you're in luck. We're going to be in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles, California, Burlington, Vermont. Don't forget Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, getting real nasty. Rochester, New York, and Toronto. All tickets available at are you garbage.com. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Earth to just a big old piece of trash, trash, drives. I'm your host, A Troly coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootty's in the new edition.

She just came down with a little food poisoning. Okay. She's eating quarters off the street. All right. Nothing on that! My coves is coming A from right next to me. Real jerk off. I don't get it.

Because she's picking up quarters on the street and put them in her mouth. And she's getting food poisoning. No one's ever done that. I don't think that would give you food poisoning. If you had changed on the street. If you had said Tootie is getting foot poisoning. Foot poisoning Because they're on the street

But there was Poisoning She's picking up change off the street And put it in her mouth That would give you food poisoning Let's not try to punch this thing up Okay, you're right You're right

Hold on a second Well, writer's right It sounds like there's a pun in there That you didn't hit Oh you went pun I don't do puns lady Food? Why would you get food poisoning

From a quarter? Huh? Why would you get food poisoning from a quarter? They're on the street That's how you get food poisoning from food You get food poisoning from food from bacteria on food. That's the joke.

If you pick up a quarter off the street and put it in your mouth, you're probably going to get food poisoning. No. It's stainless steel. You could be like Tuddy's getting food poisoning. She's been eating rat traps because that's like poison for rats. Hey, everybody out there.

Welcome back. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Oh, my God. What's up, gang? Shout out of T. As always, make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, too, by the way.

Check out the numbers over there. And obviously the greatest website of all time. www. www. www. patreon.com slash are your garbage. You go over there. You get all that happen. his content gang yes sir gang we couldn't be more excited over our incredibly and i mean incredibly

special guest back with us again today it's her third time on the show her time i believe she is currently the reigning queen of garbage she's up there definitely in the council the one of the chairman of the boards in the commission yeah of garbage jordan jensen everybody hello happy to be here welcome back moving and shaking up in alaska new special coming new special called take me with you is on netflix go watch your Netflix? Yep. I know.

She's all right, man. She's killing it. She's doing great. Where'd you film it? Gramercy. There you go. It's a great venue. I made it really weird.

I made a really scary backdrop. Okay. Very you. What? You don't want to give it away? I can't give it away. Construction netting, torn up, looks like vagina parts, but also trash. You guys like it.

I like it. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. I love vague vagina parts. It's vague. That's very good. It's one of my favorites. It's all he's ever seen.

It's been dark in air every time. Can I play with that car just while we talk to? Of course. Of course. Or else I'll bend the cord and I'll break courts. Oh, that's quite all right. There's other matchbox cars that play with. I got a Thai fighter.

I have a Bubba Fed ship. I have a Cobra commander. The fuck is going on here. You got a Bubba Fed ship? I don't know what that is. The slave one. Look at the fucking tank, little guy. What tank?

Little tank. The black one? Yeah. That's not a tank. It's called a hiss. I apologize. Yikes. Get her out of here.

I got his step by a kid at the park today. I feel like it's two school bullies meeting that for the first time. That pulls back and... I know it does. Pretty cool. It's really nice. Yeah, they're all right. I really liked these.

I never really fucked with those when I was a kid because I like to do the car myself. But sometimes they're all right. I like an actual lonely on floor. You ever play with toys? I would buy them and make them be in relationships and they'd cheat on each other. What happened? I would buy them and they'd like cheat on each other. They'd be like my Barbies.

The cars? yeah you are really fucked off yeah pipes was the boy that everybody wanted he was at for f-150 every girl wanted yeah i mean that i can that those are the storylines you came up with in your head yeah he cheated on his girlfriend a lot what who was what was what the girl car the red camero the red camero was that horror yeah what a whore yeah she probably got around town she did she did she did like this i find her in the junkyard a couple of mornings if you catch my drip Speaking of which Good you brought that up

We want to get into the psyche Of Jordan Jensen a little bit We've gotten the broad The broad story Which I mean Not great Criminal at best We want more

You know To drill down into it Okay You're a unique character I think it's safe to Yeah I get nervous With the eye contact It feels like she's staring

Into my soul I'm reading a book called Educated right now Which is supposed to be How fucked up This Girl's Life is in every part of it. Like, I'm like, well, my life wasn't like that. And then there'll be a part that's all about that.

And I'm like, ah, shit, they did have that aspect. Pipes, the F-150s in Chapter 2? Yeah, there's, like, talking about her in a scrap metal yard and, like, getting metal stuck in her body. And I'm like, yeah, that was my entire childhood was almost getting run over at the scrap metal yard. I spent a lot of time in a scrap yard, too. Right? Is you?

God, they're the best. Copper one, copper, though, everything you need. We were a lot of scrapping. A lot of scraping. A lot of scraping. We need a junkyard at the bottom of our hill at the one house we lived in a Wilkesbury, but I didn't go down there. I was always scared. Really? Yeah. Of the animals or the peoples? The people. Yeah. They eventually end up robbing our house when we were away one time. I found a trick in New York. I would fill up my tiny truck and then go pull into, in like Queens or something. There's semis unloading, but my truck is so tiny that I would pull between them and open my tailgate. So it looked like I was ejecting stuff with the semis. And then I would just zip out and leave because you have to pay to junk here. It's really good. So then I would. charge the owners the shit you do on your own yeah yeah it's not good it's odd it's getting better it's getting better right now my things are getting better well it's getting less uh dangerous like now i'm

trying to draw with my non-dominate hand because i've been so depressed that i'm trying to activate the other hemisphere in my brain that's better yeah that's when you know so you're right-handed is is that a clinical thing they say dude i hear anything from anywhere and i'm like i'll give it a world yeah totally I'm about to try ketamine I'm on this effector It's really taking my anxiety Afexor I had to take When I took a vexer I got so sweaty on it

That I had to use certain dry Which was as seen on TV Deodorant that gave me a hard callus All the way over my armpit Like you could knock on it You could Bitch got bark Sexy

It was bark Yeah the effects source Taking my anxiety away That's sick It's working too good to be honest with you You're chill guy I'm no I'm like I just don't

He's now nervous that he's not worrying I'm like daredevil. Oh. No fear. Oh, like a beta blocker. Yeah. Beta blocker. That's for your heart, isn't it?

I think beta blocker just makes you not afraid. Really? Yeah. I think I'm on that too. I'm on a stat. Are you walking into streets or something like that? Are you being like too careless? Some aspects, I would say.

Yeah. Let it loose. Yeah. Placing some high dollar bets. Are you sober yet? No. What? What?

Yet I like that yet? Yeah. I actually, it's like, well, what wishful thinking? Like, that's coming down. I haven't drank it a long time, though. That's great. Is that true? I can't even tell your lies apart anymore.

No, last weekend. I'm sober, but I did do poppers last weekend. Poppers? Yeah, because I'm sober and all my friends run so much Molly. And my gay friend had poppers, and he just held it up to my nose. And I all of a sudden was like just the life of the party crushing. But then I got stuck on the ground. Like I got lost in the grass.

That's quick. Yeah, it's quick. But then it's done. Maybe you got lost on the ground. Well, if you hit a popper and then I, and then, so. Something fell, and I was trying to find it, and I got stuck in, like, a trance in the... Yeah, yeah, and somebody had to yank me back up, and it felt like I was, like, in Beetlejuice when they pull them out of the sandworm. You've never done poppers?

It's like that. You get lost. Lollipop Club? No. This goes to the working theory that full... We're finally finding out that Foley is a gay man, and that is where a lot of his... You've done poppers? He's a gay man in the 80. It doesn't loosen your bottle.

I was prepared to shit myself, and it wasn't like, whoa, it wasn't like that. I think it just makes you like... You got a bad dose. It made me a gay man, though, like dancing. I was like, yeah. It was like that. Credit score went up. Yeah.

Killing it. Dual income. All right, enough about me. In my social life. You brought it up. I didn't bring it up. She did doing poppers. Why'd you get some whippets or something like that?

Whippets are, it felt like they didn't last as long. Then poppers? Popper. This one, I mean, maybe I was breathing in too much, but this would last like five minutes. Whose party was this? It was a wedding. Well, Alaska wedding.

The popper's at a wedding? Yeah. Wait, is that why you went to Alaska? I thought it was for work. No, for a wedding. Who the fuck's getting married up there? Alaskan Fisher friends. Where do you fucking do you need them?

Fisher? Yeah. Like lobstermen? No, like salmon fisher people. No kidding. Yeah. Like farm raised or wild caught? Oh, wild caught.

Wild caught. Yeah. Can't be a fisherman in a farm. How do you think they get them out? Didn't that? I'm not sitting there putting power bait on a line. I'm pulling out one of them out. He got a net and take them all out.

Who got married? My friends who are Alaskan fish are man and woman. You're like Mike Rowe from dirty jobs. What's that? You don't know dirty Mike Rowe? You don't know dirty jobs? Wow. Do you watch television at all?

I watch movies from the 90s a lot. Okay. What? Like I just watched Goodwill Hunting. Not for the first time. No, no. I watch everything a thousand times. Yeah, me too.

For anxiety. It's for anxiety. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not good anymore. They're not good. Movies aren't good anymore. They go too crazy. I agree.

I'll give you that. I haven't really been watching TV and it's weird. Every time I look at there's nothing on that I want to watch. And I force myself not to watch Sopranos or Seinfeld. I've been watching the Incredible Hulk cartoon. Yeah, you got to, you can't rerun because then you start living vicariously in their life. You have to cut yourself off. The listeners were able to dig, we're able to figure out what season of Sopranos he was on just based off his references.

They'd be like how he was Based on how he was talking Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah And what characters he'd bring up? I'll literally be like There's a famous philosopher That says blah, blah, blah

And it's just Tony, it's Tony Soprano And I'm like, no, that was I said sample Um Speaking of the wedding Which we were gonna steer clear of a little bit But what did you give as a gift at the wedding? Zero

Whoa Yeah, I painted a mural What? For the wedding They needed a mural I painted it. What the fuck kind of hippie shit is this? It was hippie. Now I remember seeing pictures

Yeah It was hippie You go stag? You go solo? Yeah I brought my dog You brought your dog Yeah Take your dog everywhere

You bring your dog to the actual wedding And leave it at the Airbnb Or whatever you state Wedding No kidding Yeah There's a dog at the wedding Yeah

For the special part She was in The bridal suite Okay Yeah But she matched my suit You wore a suit Yeah

Taylor Paula Poundstone Yeah You wore a suit Yeah I can't wear dresses I feel like Eleanor Roosevelt every time I wear a dress. It sucks.

Every time I wear a dress, there's some other girl at the wedding who chose to wear a suit or a cool jumpsuit or something, and I feel like such a fucking doofus, and I want to fight her. Because you're in a dress, and they're not. Yes, and they're making fun of me, even though they're not. They are. A jumpsuit. You wore a jumpsuit.

I wore a three-piece vintage suit. Okay. It was sick. Cool. Yeah. I dig it. I got the vest all tight. Were you in the wedding, though?

Yeah. So wait, was all the other bridesmaids lined up with a thing, and then there's Groucho marks in there was actually another suit my other friend was wearing a suit just so happened but it was a hippie wedding you wear whatever you want yeah where did you get the suit i got in austin at like a little uh thrift place okay how much was it do you remember it was two hundred dollars and then i got it tailored which cost 400 because i got it all nice and it was really good yeah at tailoring man really pulls it together oh it feels so good you step on a thing and a person just goes it's not your body that's that's that it's at fault it's this material which is that never happened

I grew up putting on Joe Boxer and fucking trying to fit my tits into these, you know. So that I have the opposite thought when I'm standing on that thing. They're like, you think it's the cloth and you're like, wow, you get more confident. There's too many mirrors. The mirrors is bad. The angles are bad. But the idea of going in and having them be like, we're going to make this to your body. Just because remember buying pants growing up, how awful that would be?

It's so dramatic. It's a full panic attack. And you'd come out and your mom would be like, and you'd be like, I know, it's bad. And they'd be like, we're going to get you a size 16. And you'd be like, I can't admit that I'm a size 16. So I have to stuff into a 12, you know? I mean, not exactly, but yeah, I was really, I was really dancing with a 34 at the time. That three-sided mirror, man.

I remember discovering as a little kid. Oh, holy fuck. Seeing the back of you. So fucked up. I remember I used to try to catch myself looking at myself. I was never fast. What the fuck you doing? Okay.

All right. So nothing. What was the mural of and how big was it? It was of her. It was. And a suit? It was abstract backdrop for, like, people to take photos, and it was probably, like, 8 by 8.

And you paint, how'd you get it up there? You painted it with it there. I painted it on the ground, on a big tapus. There? Like, the day of the wedding? No, you were there a couple days before the wedding. Yeah, okay. And then we hung it up.

Hey, also, don't answer this, like, this is fucking normal, by the way. You're giving me shit. Like, you know, when you show up to an Alaska wedding and make something? Yeah. No, I don't know. Where in Alaska are we talking? Anchorage? Yeah.

It was in Palmer. Oh, Palmer. Beautiful this time of here. Yeah. Okay. All right. You are so... I'm not bringing gifts.

I flew fucking a giant... I flew seven hours to get to your fucking wedding that you decided to have in the middle of nowhere. I had to buy an Airbnb. I had to pay the ticket. You're not getting a gift. I'm not pushing back. Yeah.

That's how I feel. If you have a destination wedding, I'm not... I didn't get him a gift. Yeah. I'm not... I also just like, don't buy my gifts. If they have a registry, I'll buy.

But... You're not giving cash. Oh, I do give cash. Actually, yes, I do give cash. But you didn't give cash this time? No, it was too much money to get there. It was too crazy. I was pissed off about it.

Okay. So I didn't. But yeah, I gave my best friend $1,000 in cash, which is good. Very nice. At the wedding, yeah. Not at that wedding, another wedding. A different wedding, yeah. Very respectable.

All right. In the line of cash, how much cash do you have on you right now? I would love to know what's in your pockets. Those look pretty clean at the moment. They're not clean. I mean, not clean. What's the wallet situation? $100.

You have a $100 bill. Wow, that's a rough-looking 100. A little bit of trash. Is that a dove or is that a piece of gum? Zin threes. That's a piece of gum. Maple flavor. Coffee.

I see that every day. In a car. Hey, did you put that in your pocket? No. I might. I think she will on the walk out. What was the last time you went to the ATM and how much cash did you get? I don't go to the ATM.

Spot, right? Spot pay. Yeah, you got cash. Okay. Hmm. What do you bank with? Bofa. Bofa.

Bank of America. Well, I've never heard that. I'll banking with Bofa. I really like popular bank. I think that's a funny name. Banko de Popular? Yeah. Yeah.

Have you been in with Capital One Cafe? Yes. Out of necessity. For coffee? Yeah. Next to a hotel, for sure. Yeah, that makes sense. I've only been in one in Philly, and it was right by the hotel.

I know exactly what you're talking about. Me and Cotton used to hang out in there. I wouldn't tell people that. They used to hang out at the cat. Did you dance at this wedding? I did on Poppers. Hard. Were their parents at this wedding?

Yeah, it was weird. I gave a speech, too, and all these old people kept coming up to me being like, you know, you're actually, like, really funny. And I was like, really? That's the Popper's talking. How many people were at the wedding? 150. That's pretty good.

Yeah. That was a food. Salmon? It was great. Salmon. It was so good. Salmon. Really?

And moose. You ever have moose? Jesus. Chocolate moose? No. Moose that they shot. They shot a baby moose and we ate it. That seems illegal.

He shot it in front of his mother. In front of the moose's mother or his mother? He shot it in front of the... I don't know with you fucking people. You guys are wacky. Hoppers and moose? He shot it in front of the moose's mother. And then the mother had a hard time walking away and they had to shoe it.

Shoe it. Shoe it. You shoot the baby, you shoe the mom? Isn't that awful? That's terrible. it and I fed some to my dog and I ate a lot of moose and I don't eat red meat but it was the best meat of it moose is red meat it's got what do you think it's old chicken what the fuck listen I got to be honest to you I never thought of it uh sweet lord Kip what do you know about

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when you go to Nutraful.com and enter the promo code garbage. Find out why Nutraful is the best-selling hair growth supplement brand at Nutraful.com. Spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com. Promocode garbage. That's Nutraful.com.com. Promocode garbage. Do it. All right. I'm assuming this is a yes. This is just for my personal records. Have you ever owned a butterfly knife or a switchblade? I have one. I use it every day. Switchblade.

Really? I love my switchblade. It's how I get out of my house because my door is broken. What? What do you live on Rikers Island? How do you get out of your house? Yeah, there's a guy who stands in front of my door

and every day. It gets fucking caught and I've changed it a million times but it just keeps getting caught so I have to use the knife to get myself. I thought you were a handy person. I know I've switched it, but it's just the fucking thing. You'd have to take the whole door off. You got to switch the last.

I know about switch. I have to fix the whole fucking door and I'm not fixing the whole fucking door because I don't live there and it's not my apartment. I don't plan on being. there very long. Whose apartment is it?

That was your place. Yeah, but I didn't buy it. You all rent it. Yeah. Right. And I've done so much work on it that the door is. Are we still in the same set place that you've been in? The little tiny one.

Has there been any changes in that arena at all? A new apartment. I know we know you got the house. Yeah, not the house. Anything. Or are you looking to make a change? My motorcycle got stolen. Okay.

Which is good because I wanted to get rid of it. But I was too stressed out to do it. Huh? You get the insurance check? Oh, it was $15? $1,500, please take it. Just get it away from me. Did you have insurance on it?

No. You were driving around, you were riding on no insurance, no casualty, the liability? I didn't even have a motorcycle license. What the fuck? Was there a license plate on it? Yeah. You can get the license plate. Isn't that weird?

I had a little license plate. I went through a breakup. It got rid of the motorcycle. I started a new diet. I have a Netflix special coming out. Yes, you do. I was in a movie that's coming out. Oh, Bradley Cooper.

That's right. I just saw a teaser. It looks great. What else is? Is this doing well? Good things. Very well. Yeah.

We'd love to hear it. Got a second therapist two times a week now? What are we doing? Things sound like they're going. Really good. Zoom or in person? For the therapist. In person.

Yeah? I have to go in. You got to go in. Yeah. That's real crazy. Yeah. I like it. I got to go in.

They demand I go in. Sometimes I say, can I do Zoom? and they say, no, you have to come in here. Got to get eyes on you. Legally, I got to do a wellness check. Let's see the switchblade. If you hit it, if you ran into a car, say you're on the motorcycle and you're pulling out. You bump a car, you scrape a car, a little dent.

Go away. You're out. No, no, no nothing. Not in New York. Everybody's a beast. I kind of got to give you. There's a... If I'm Minnesota, maybe.

If I'm in a sweet, Montana, possibly. But New York, it's all fucking... It's all... What's it called? Dog War? Doggy Doggy. What's it called dog horse? Moose Wars.

Maybe Moose Wars. What was the last time we wrote a nice restaurant? What was the last restaurant you were at? Is there anything refined that you might do? I don't go to restaurants. What was the last one? Nice date. Wine.

No wine, but nice appetizers. Does it count if something was like catered? There was like a catering? No. Maybe I'd like to see where this goes, please. The wedding had catered. Not the wedding. You just told me about the moose.

Restaurant. Diner? No. Like a restaurant? I don't do that. You've had, I know. You can't even recall the last time you were like, you know what? I got a friend in town.

We're going to pop over to a fucking... Manetta, Gallagher, Swiss and Lewinsky's. Something like that. No. Sweet green. I order sweet green a lot. Sweet green, I go to a lot. a lot. I don't go to restaurants. It's a bunch of bullshit. They put a bunch of

fucking seed oil on your shit. It makes you fucking feel bad. You have to pay this fucking bitch. She's a she fucking sits down at your table and she's like, how are we doing tonight? I'm not doing it. I hate you. I hate this whole world. I hate the service world. So we're a seed oil. And now all of a sudden, I can't treat her like a slave and I have to treat her like a person all of a sudden. You know what I mean? You're not allowed to be like, excuse me, why is it taking forever anymore? Now it's like, whoa, you need to, you know what I mean? Now it's all like workers rights and shit. You know, there's a space in the middle there

between slavery and best friend you used to be able to just like order what you want now they're like you can't change anything you can't do anything that the chef is a god and I don't want you here to begin with and we don't need your service and it used to be I will get especially in New York that a lot of that happens

where it's like you feel very like it's not like I knocked on your door and came in your apartment and sat down at your kitchen table and started eating your food yeah yeah no I'll give you that some of the some of the more shittier spots Huh Let's go a little more

Do you guys go to restaurants? Oh, you're going to restaurants Yeah You're talking about appetizers A glass of wine We're a big restaurant crew We're too fat guys

Who like a cocktail Bone in I eat tuna Whoa quip ragged Just tuna fish is what I eat all day Probably have mercury poisoning What can't What brand

Skipjack What the Wait a minute Didn't somebody just tell us about the No what was Get your hands off of me Yeah, Jack Mac That's what they serve in prison

Skip Jack That's the type of tuna Skipjack tuna Yeah If you're looking for the U.S. nuclear submarine Wait, what do you? Don't, don't exit out of that, exit out of that Skipjack tuna

Type in Safe Catch, that's the type I get Okay, so it's classic Wild caught Wild caught tuner Okay, it looks pretty good It is 459 8, 459 a can over there Woffordshire Joe's purchase It's a union market purchase

Union market Such a rip-off But it's my house What do you shop in the 50s? Union market It's such bullshit Where is that? It's in New York

It's everywhere Union market A Houston Street Okay It's you don't even walk into it Because you can see it's such bullshit Is this one on the corner? Yeah I know

That's a fancy joint Oh what's that by your house? It's the one by my house Yeah They get all my money Fuckers It's all right That's all right

That's a nice joint I'll give you that Yeah That's all right Let's go a little more rudimentary. I think that's the right word. Probably isn't. When you're getting dressed,

you're putting your shoes on. Sock shoe, suck shoe. Sox shoe. Sox shoe. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm so sorry, and I never wanted to admit that out loud. I do sock shoe, suck shoe. Folks, if you just felt a cold shiver go up your spine.

Sox shoe, socks shoe. It's something about ADHD. It's like the sock goes on and I'm like, the shoe goes on. I look and I'm like oh I did sock shoe sock shoe again but it happens so you're going pants then sock shoe socks shoe I I yeah sock shoe dude you know what I do a lot I change pants I can't get a read on this bro sometimes sometimes I do that sometimes I change my pants and I refuse to take off the shoe so I get stuck I'll do that now I well I can't do that now but I know what you're saying right if I if I'm shorts in it yeah I will do that no how silly is that though when you catch

yourself in the underwear shoe socks too yeah it's brutal porn stars it's crazy. I definitely don't feel like a porn star. She's not me of him either. Huh. Wow. It's the other day this actually happened. This is how I know my eight age is. I was, I did sock shoe and my and my friend Jake comes into the hotel and he's like, we have to go and I had been Googling shoes I wanted to buy and I was like, should I buy these? And I had a barefoot and sock shoe, sock shoe. And he was like, you got to get yourself together. I mean, you got to medicate.

That looks like you had head trauma. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. On shoes on your hand? What were the shoes you were looking to buy? I don't know. You don't remember. Probably new blunt stones. I buy new blundstones constantly. What's blentstones?

They're these. I just wear through them. Okay. I figured you for a Doc Martin gal. I love docks. But blundstones are more, docks are too heavy. And I'm in the park for like many hours a day running around.

With the dog? With the dog. Chase the squirrels. With the dog. All right, let's say you're getting in the shower. right? Sure. I don't know why this took a

They took an odd turn. Sure. And will you get it? It's a water spraying. It's a traditional bath shower. So the shower head is here. Yeah. Okay.

Will you get in on shower head side or the back and enter the water? Too small. It's all the same. But say you're in a hotel. Oh, away. You get away. Away. Get away.

Yeah. Okay. What are you nuts? He gets in. She sucks, you, suck you. I face it towards the wall sometimes getting in and prepare myself Yeah yeah totally you don't know what that thing's doing

Especially in hotel chaos My whole thing is fucked up It's all alchemy in my shower Listen I have that all sorted out before I get in there I'm feeling it I know what the temperature of the water is But why I still don't understand why your face right in? Right in baby right in Did you make it a conscious decision to do this?

No he learned on the show that that's not what everybody does I didn't know like a year ago went in the back you're on the back Do you ball or do you fold toilet paper? Ball. Same. Yeah. People fold.

No, I. Yeah, like that. And I also. Loop and ball. Loop and ball is a thing. Folding, some people fold. No, you don't, I, you're around the hand. That's crazy.

People do that. Yeah, around the hand, but then it goes into ball. Yes. That's a ball. You got to have the ball. Because you lose control of the ball and the, there's no tangible. No, the ball has many edges that are like this. That's what's good.

No, because then you come out of there. You ain't got control over the metal. Oh, it's too crazy when you go straight. No. I also do this. If it's in a roller, I take it off the roller and I do my, then I put it back. I'm against these, these little rollers, these things where you have to undo it. No.

Fascinated me as a kid, though, how that worked. The spring inside. I know. I used to take that apart. It was a bum. Ours, dude, ours was broken and we used electrical tape on it for my whole entire childhood. But I think both the upstairs and the downstairs bathroom. I remember being like, there's got to be a nickel.

Like, this has to be a nickel. Times were tight. Are you still using the prescription deodorant? No. What are you on now? Zero. Zero. No breakup.

Huh? No, no. Since breakup, I don't wear deodorant. Since breakup? Yeah, I felt like I was called stinky a lot, so now I don't wear deodorant because I like the way I smell. Who called you stinky? The guy I was dating said I was stinky. I am stinky, but I like the stink.

Said you smelled? Well, I smell. You dating an eighth grader? I smell. Ew, gross. You would, too. If we were dating, you'd be like, Jordan, you stink. Okay.

Like, B.O. Like B.O. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Really? Yeah. Kevin. I'm not.

No, leave it alone. What's that all about? I like the way it smells. I don't like the way deodorant smells. It smells like shit to me. I like the way people's B.O. smells most people. That's bad. I'm assuming I usually ask the gentleman in this.

Do you know how to tie a tie? I do, my dad. Yeah. Okay. I've owned a Big Mouth Billy Bass. Of course. Okay. Take me to the way.

You can get a flag for copyrighting. I know all the fucking songs on that. There was the Bob Marley song. Yeah. Right? I had a knockoff one that wasn't I didn't. We didn't have the actual one. Wasn't Don't worry be happy one of them?

Yeah. Don't worry be happy. Talking heads was on it. Talking heads. There was a fucking talking head song. I don't get that clearance. Which one? I don't know.

And she was? No. What do you got, Lucas? Take me to the river. Don't worry. be happy. I will survive. That's good. Act naturally. Staying alive. There's no talking head song? Uh, I don't see one. Wow. I fabricated that in my mind. Deeper. I had an alt one. At an aftermarket. Yeah. I loved Billy the best. I loved that shit. That when that hit, I mean,

that took, oh, that was like the funniest. You were just like, holy shit. I've never seen anything like that. Isn't that crazy that that blew our minds at that point? Now we have AI like recreating it's so crazy it was like a fish that talk and then when he comes up off the board you go oh yeah yeah yeah this goddamn fish can do it all talking heads version of the song take me to the river oh okay okay okay oh take me to the river i just put that together he's got to get back to the water are you kidding me no that's crazy swear to god drop me in the water take me to the river get me back home i know i get it i just said i put it together what's the car is still the truck so the truck i have a truck but i did buy a used what are they called vw tiguan oh yes

that's a that's a smart sensible purchase i'm doing sensible purchase i just paid off 64 000 dollars in student loans way sucker why it was crushing my credit score that doesn't matter what was your credit score five who cares no you can't get nothing i couldn't get an apartment in my apartment so tiny and I felt trapped because I wanted to get an apartment and kept out of your credit score. You can get an apartment. You gotta get, you gotta find the good deal. I went a good however many years without paying it.

And then I just had it so I paid it. 64 grand, man. I know. I know to learn nothing. Fuck. How to blow dudes on fucking. I could have taught you that for free. It's so fucked up. I learned how to go like this with a vodka handle and crack that little plastic top off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I learned in my four years. Um, speaking

with the Billy Bass, any other as seen on TV products in your childhood that you were Oh, my God, yes. We bought the, this was a big deal. The, it was, it was. I can guarantee it was not. It was like this big, it was covered in black goo. And then behind it was rainbow and you'd use like a, you know what I'm talking about?

You'd use like an implement to uncover the rainbow and draw it. What's that called? What? Oh, I know what you're talking about. Oh, my God. It was like an etching sketch kind of. Wait, rainbow black toy? No, it was like, it was like the kind of stuff.

That was on a scratch-off, right? It was, I don't know how you're going to find it. Imagine a board like this, and on TV, it looked like you went like this with a little, like. Oh, like a rake or something. Yes, and it would. No, not a rake, like an etching sketch. Like a, it was like a little flat thing. And you'd like, like a shovel more like, and you'd move it around and it would create art.

And you'd be like, oh, my God, how do they do that? That's amazing. And then you got it and it was just black goo that you were moving. Yes. Every time you wanted to make art and it was bullshit. Put it back. Marvin's magic drawing board. Oh, Marvin.

Yeah, I wanted it forever. Ooh, you were sweating on the keyboard getting that one out. What else as seen on TV did I get? I think probably like, yeah. Okay. Let me say, I don't remember this. Chicken Rotet, Ron Popuil. Yeah, that.

Yeah, okay. That's just a goo? It's just goo. It looks like it's going to be so cool, but you're just moving goo. There's no actual magic. I was so pissed off that you're moving goo. It was hard. It was gross forever.

Were you ever into sand art? Oh my God. Yes, dude. Sand art, boondoggle. Boondoggle. Stop it. That moonshine? You stop.

Boondoggle, you guys don't know what boondoggle is? Every, yeah. I'll fuck you up. Boondogel. That's what that's called? Oh, my God. That was for broads. It was for broads.

Wait, those are plastic, though, right? Yeah. We made the thread ones back in the day. Yeah, friendship bracelets. Those were good. We should do that shit more. It'd be good for our brains. Yeah.

I'm gonna boondoggle. Okay. I thought it was popular for a little while. Yeah. Weren't they making those at Taylor Swift shows or something like that? The friendship bracelets. The friendship bracelets, but not the ones that you're talking about. They made the stupid bead ones that says, like people have made me them.

That's like, I remember my dad taking me to Michaels to get that. He's like, what's this for? I'm making a friendship brand. I couldn't braid at all either. I was terrible of braids. Oh, yeah. Remember we'd have them all stacked up. I had to play a basketball game where they had to come.

cut him off. Yeah, but I cried, yeah. I don't like when the dudes wear too much of that stuff now, Tucci does that. Tucci's got like... Stanley Tucci? Yeah. Tucci stinks. Well, documented.

Get out of here. A guy on the train just now was like, I'm a huge fan, and he was so attractive. And I was like, oh, here we go. And then he turned, and he had like a Buddha bead necklace on with a cross on it and like a bracelet. And I was like, it was crazy. Yeah. It really can fuck somebody up, but you can't do it.

You have to be so careful. It's one single chain or bust. Maybe a ring if you have some sort of ethnic quality. Maybe. I couldn't agree more. Right? That was the first time I've ever been there. You know what she's making fucking sense?

It's true. Yeah. Buddha necklace. You know what I mean with the little beads? And there was a cross on it and I knew what he was saying. He was like, all religion is, you got love or whatever. He said that to you? He didn't, but I could see it on the cross mixed with Buddha necklace.

Man. You find out what he did? No. He just said he quotes me with his family a lot, which is so nice. Isn't that nice? Sounds like a bad family. But you know when you quote somebody, like I quote liar-lier a lot with my family, you know?

What's the go-toe from liar-li-er? The go-to is, wait 105. Yeah. In your bra. I say that to him a weekly. I say it all the time. Me? In your bra.

Yeah. Great, yes, great, great. That and I'm kicking my ass. I'm kicking my ass. Were you ever into hemp necklaces? Yeah. Oh, my God. In third grade, I had a hemp necklace.

Third grade seems young for, we didn't know. They didn't know. And I was a nature freak. Like, I thought I was like a sorceress of nature. And I, as you do. And I begged my mom to buy me this one necklace that had a beat on it with a leaf. And I wore it every day.

And then finally the teacher called and was like, hey, it's a pot leaf around your third grader's neck. Like, you obviously know that. My mom was like, she wanted it. Fuck it. Okay. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap.

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And ask your family eye care professional for, Neselor Stellis Lenses at your child's next visit. Huh. What about a shark's tooth? You ever have a shark's tooth? No, but I kissed boys that did. Sure. By playing a game called tag,

and if you get tagged, you have to kiss me in order to get untagged. What's the other necklace? I like how you just won't break by that. Fucking cry for help. So no sharks, too. Okay, fair enough. I had one.

I bought one as a bit not too long. It was a joke. We were down the shore. than I found it recently, and I was like, I really want to break this thing the fuck back out. I think you could. I think it's back. If I had it on right now, that was just my way of bringing it in.

Do you like guys who wear shark necklace? Just wondering. I take my ring off. Can you say, okay, either one of those cars, can you say without a doubt, unequivocally, there is no fast food French fries somewhere in that car? Which car? Either one, the truck or the... I don't pack.

You're not a fast food. I don't do fast food. She's on a she's like a good. There's tuna cans, sardine cans. There's fish. There's empty tuna cans you got in? For sure. Me and my dog share it.

Me and my dog share the tuna can together. Wait, hold on a second. What? No, you heard of us. Oh, and there's Carhart's in it that I pissed in. Like a pair of pants? Yeah, I need to take them out. But yeah, that's in there.

Like, I took them down to piss in the woods and I just peed into them. You know what I mean? Like I used it as a bucket by accident and just peed in it. The tuna cans. Tuna cans. There's, they're not licked clean, right? There's residue. No, they look clean.

Does the car smell like tuna? I don't think it smells like, my life is like tuna. Most things are, like when you say you share it with the dog. We share the tuna can. Like, here's a piece. Or you're both? Well, I used to let her lick out the can, and then I realized it was sharp and I was worried about it. Sure.

Smart. Yeah. The dog lists out of the can, then you're eating it? You know what the grossest thing I do? I'll be out. We'll be out at the park and I'll get water for myself and I'll give it to her and then I'll drink it again. I'll tell you get like fucking parving shit

Her mouth disease That's bad That lady lost all of her limbs Doing that She got some kind of bacteria Your mother Shut up My mom always says that to me

About She brings up that person Yeah Like looking quarters And stuff Off the sidewalk Like my good bit I had at the beginning

Of the show That's what I'm talking about Do you remember any of your AOL screen names Slowjo 23 What the fuck is Slowjo? It was like I was really into like 50 cent and I wanted a rapper name. And, yeah, and I walked really slow.

Yeah. So you were slow, George. I walked really slow because you were really into 50 cent. What age, what year? How old are you when 50 dropped? That was a big time. I was a big time in my life. Yeah.

When did 21 questions come out? It would have been 2003, 2002. So I don't know how old you were. I mean, you were, so then you were five years. younger than me, you were 12? Yeah, 12. That's what I was going to say. That's the third grade. 12. Look as you hadn't shot somebody.

Oh, I love 50 cent. You're right by the vinyl. I want him on the show. So bad. Oh, yeah, be cool. He's just the best. He's the coolest. I really rooted for him over Kanye when that whole thing went down. I only bought his. I went to buy both of them and Kanye's was sold out and I was like, this is a bad look for my boy right here. Yeah. And then everybody was like, you're ever Because Kanye's the goat, and 50 cents sucks.

And now Kanye's a Nazi, we're on top. Although that song, that song is a little catchy. What? I don't know. I've completely, I don't even know what you're talking about. Wait, hold on. Do you ever have the vinyl to any album? You own any records?

Now I do, but no, I've never. I mean, I always wanted to be that person, but never was. I can't tell the difference. I didn't know where I was going with that. I just want to be a part of your guys' music conversation. Okay. You guys ever hear my demo? I had, slow Joe.

Slow Joe. Did you try rapping? No. I try. Alone. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Alone.

We could collab on a record sometime. Feature on each other's projects. Do you answer your phone? No. Okay. If it's a number, you don't know. I never answer my phone. Even if it's Ian.

Nope. That you definitely don't answer. What are you nuts? Really? Yeah. Hey, Dean. You never answer. You look at it.

100%. No matter who it is. What if it's the suits or something like that? It always is the fucking suits, and I never answer. I just, there's something about it. You call back or you send a text? I send a text. And I go, what's up?

I'm... That would fucking drive me crazy. I wish there should, there should be an excuse because I'm the same way. I wish there was a, hey, I can't answer... Emotionally. I'm driving. Like, you know how you can go, like... That I get.

I know, but you can't say, like, because then you should take the call. Like, I need something like, hey, I can't take the call. I'm like something that's just doing people drive. I'm in the back of an Uber. I'm walking into traffic. When I call somebody and I get a text back, hey, what's up? It fucking infuriates me. That's my go-to with you.

What do you need? I don't want to get trapped on the phone. It's very claustrophobic to me. Trapped into what? Trapped into any amount of, this is what I'll be. My manager will call, he'll be like, hey, I got a few questions. And I'll be like, okay, go. and by the second, by number two

I realize we're not done and I start panicking and I'm like we have to pick this up later I have to go and then it's rude but if I just don't pick up I'm not rude, I'm busy I'm on Do Not Disturb 100% of the time also Yeah

David Tell texting me There you go Later That's awesome He never texted me That's crazy I like that That was nice

See you get little surprises When you're on Do Not Disturb Show out Did you pee in your pants last week. Do you do a bit about peeing in your car arts? Do you guys poop in your pants?

What do you mean? Like recreationally? Just say the answer. Uh, him more so. I just, you boys be pooping in your pants a lot. Like I have a lot of, I've never pooped.

One time I pooped in my pants and I was in preschool. Totally fine. You're telling me. But you guys, I know, no, it's true. I was on the road with Sigora and he'd shit in his pants

just on tour. Like a little bit. I'm not. Like, it's not. I've only ever fully pooped in my pants once. But that's crazy to once in your life poop in your pants. It's like the one bodily function. I got jammed on.

I got stuck in traffic. I didn't make it. And you just shit? I couldn't. I couldn't take another step. Oh, you were walking. Yes, I was walking. Almost to the house.

It's almost there. Brutal. I literally didn't, I couldn't. Got him another. Do you throw it away or do you wash it? Huh? You throw away or you wash it? Throw away.

It was like the whole fiction. It was a whole thing. Incinerate. Yeah. Yes. Everything was cleaned up, thrown out. Yeah. It's crazy how much you guys poop your pants and gets kid marks.

Yeah. Everyone of my friends. The other day, I reached into a back of a friend's car to grab a towel and he's like, that's my poop towel. It is all the seed oil. See? It's the servers. I didn't say this about it. The male digestive system gets all wonky as it gets older.

I was changing my son's diaper the other day and I shit at the same time. Oh my God. And it was this moment of like, dude. My man. I shouldn't have this child. You are your daddy. You shit in your pants. Why you're saying like shit in your pants like I got the paper open.

You were changing the boy's diaper and you farted and shit came out. Yes. That's shitting your pants. No, I got to push back. As someone who shits up, I got to push back on this. You have no experience doing it. It's not. It's not.

The cheeks. Yes. Oh. That's what. Oh. Is there a spurt? Yeah, there's a spurt. No, that's shitting your pants.

There's propulsion, yeah. Yeah. Propulsion is shitting your pants. This is insane. But it's no. It's not a log. Yeah. But there's no air. It's not like, it's not like far air. And this, I dissected this with Segorah because he was like, I sharded and I was like, bro, you're describing shitting your pants because you went to fart and a stream of poop came out. That's shitting your pants. But the thing is you don't know whether it's air or the other thing.

Oh. You can't tell. Yeah, you're not like, it's not a conscious decision. Oh, you think it's, so it literally. You go, oh, this is a fart and then you go, that's not a fart. Oh, but you know after it's poop. Yeah. Yeah, that's pooping your pants. That is poop. We're not doing it on a purpose, man. I know you're not doing it on purpose, but if I fart and a little bit of poop particle

is there and I get a skid mark, that could be a shart. But if you go to fart and it's accidentally a poop, that's pooping your pants. All right. Okay. Fuck you want from me. You accidentally poop your pants a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all I want from you. I don't want you to say I accidentally fart and some poop comes out. I'm so sick of that. You shit your pants. I hate to break it day. That's what happens. No. Yeah.

I'll admit it. I'm disgusting. I hate that you guys have made up this term short as if it's acceptable. It needs to be back. But that's what it is. We all got together and we're like, how can we fool Jordan? At the meeting. Yeah, but everything.

At the hot guy meeting. At the hot guys who fart and a little bit of poop comes out meeting. Okay. And the guys who everybody loves and wants to be around meeting. And everybody's favorite boys. At the higher reaches the hotel this Saturday. Two o'clock. That's crazy.

Yeah. No, you're not. It's not wrong. You're not wrong. It's not ideal situation. But, you know, if I was having sex with you and I bled all over your penis and I go, oops, I queefed. You'd be like, no, you pussy bled all over my penis. It's a pretty extreme analogy. No, it's not. No, it's not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Blood and poop are just as bad. No, they are not. Blood and poop are just as bad. No, they are not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Would you rather have poop on your dick or blood on your day? shit all over the place I guess you could I don't know Hey world's worst analogy

That didn't even mix Well when you get to cut Never shit my pants And then figured myself On my period I've never gotten hard on my own shit Wait wait No it's got to be your bowl

Um Okay listen this is a goddamn family Yeah what we're talking about people are having lunch Shut all pee pee and poop Sorry. God. Get your mind out of the gutter, will you? So no answer in the phone.

I don't answer your phone. Will you eat at the bar if you're at it? Oh, you don't go to restaurants. Eat at the bar, of course. I would eat at the bar. I'd prefer that, actually. You prefer that, actually. You prefer that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So the only place you go, not only place. The cellar? No. Yeah, you eat at the bar? It's a cellar. No, that'd be weird.

Sometimes I eat alone down in the beer or something. Yeah. What little for you? At McDougall Street? On the left. Like before you get it just there. But that also means like, hey, I'm down here for a reason. Yeah.

Just like, and if you have a notebook, you just get like that on the wall. Sometimes it really doesn't work, though. Wait, the foyer. Oh, you mean the little landing? Yeah. I love that down there. Me too. You always get one of the dishwashers is always there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's real incognito. You should see. Especially in the winter when they pull the curtain. Yeah. Who the hell's back there? Yeah. That's nice and cozy.

It is nice and cozy. I'll give you that. I fall asleep a lot in the balcony. I'll give you that comfy up there Oh yeah What's the What's the meal

That you're pulling over there Chicken skewer green beans Okay Yeah Do you do any cooking at home Eggs or anything You said you make eggs Hard boiled eggs

That's it God You do a scramble Damn it I'm not In the winter I'll do a scramble In the summer it's got to be hard boiled What are you doing with that egg shell

You're making egg You're probably eats it Where does that shell go Garbage In the garbage Yeah You peel the whole shell And then eat it

Or are you eating, you peeling like half the shell and eating it? Wow. No, I haven't considered that. I'm obsessed with peeling the shells off. I put him in a water bowl and then I just fucking get to like a little Chinese woman making a goddamn death. You know, there's a thing if you put in a jar with water and shake it up and the whole thing comes right out. No way. Just what I got you got to shit your pants first.

Are you serious? I'm serious. I have so many jars. It's on Instagram. Is it one egg at a time? Shake it up. I don't know. It's one of those things where you only see the one video of it and it could be some editing.

It's like, oh my God, I'm going to do it. I'll tag you guys. Can't wait. You know what I did the other night? Have you guys seen Jose Andre talk about the best omel he ever had where he takes one egg, scrambles it into a little ramekin with a spoonful of mayonnaise, puts it in the microwave for 30 seconds. He says it's the best omelette he ever had. Did it the other night?

Unbelievable. What's a ramekin? What is that? The little white like sauce dishes you would see. How like a restaurant? You butter that. sauce like this yeah like a ramekin

a ramekin you don't know what a ramekin a ramekin sounds like a small man it's my buddy ramekin yeah Johnny ramek yeah like you would get like you like ketchup would come in essentially and it exploded that big no it didn't explode the omelet stays that big why do you want an omit that big well it's just a little I don't know oh an egg bite

an egg bite egg bite okay okay okay okay I had five of them yeah okay good good good you don't do in there you do it in another bowl you grease that a little bit with some non-seed oil or some butter yeah all right and then you then you get a little dish put an egg in there put a spoonful of mayonnaise in there preferably mics shout out to him yeah scramble that up pour it in there put it in the mic way for 30 to 40 seconds comes out flip it over put a little chives whatever you want on there it's unbelievable wow that's that's not me it's jose andre i believe that's his name right yeah guy with the beard Jose Andreas, I believe

There you go I'm on the most bullshit diet I can't eat anything What is it? It's the Candida diet Because every time Well I was a yeasty girl

For a long time I don't know what that You got a What do you mean And that's by diet Well then I got it out of my vagina And then it spread in my butthole Which was way worse than the vagina

And then I got it out of my butt hole And it was up here And it was itchy up here And now I do Candida diet And it's all gone And for the first time my life, my vagina's comfortable. An itchy butthole, isn't that? Worms?

Bothole is... No, it was a yeast infection because you have too much candy that's in your body. It gives you brain fog. It was making me so stupid, and it just is eating you away, and the way that you find out is you have itchy holes, and I had an itchy hole, and then I got it out of there, and it spreads, it runs around. It tries to run away from you.

Isn't that crazy? Sounds it, yeah. Isn't that crazy that our vagina is just a fucking spore? Isn't that fucked up? I don't know if it's a spole candy. It is. It is. It's just an open, fucking wet.

D-I. What is Candida Alba Cain's? If you look up Skabies, that's the woman that I really want to look like growing up. Or shingles, shingles. You have shingles? No, but if you Google shingles, because I'm always worried to have shingles, that's the woman that I want to look like

the Google search that they give you. Oh, no, she's not there. You got to do your phone. You got to do that at home. You want to look like her? David Tell, Google shingles. I'll show you her. I want to look like her when I grow up.

You want to have shingles when you grow up? No, I just like the, they always have a drawing of, yeah, look at her. Oh, my God. Ah, it's an attractive older lady. I got you. Look at her. Without the shingles. Without the shingles.

Silver Fox. Look at that lady. Yeah. I could be that, right? Sure. Yeah. I don't know why you're like pushing off the goals until you're 50 or 70. I could have shingles today.

You put your mind to it. So no cereal. You're not eating cereal. No. Chia. Chea seeds. And what? Coconut milk.

Chea pudding. In the morning. A little too much protein powder, but it's... Make it overnight? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Pretty good?

It is good. I make too much of it, though. Hmm. So then I have a block in my stomach all day. And when I poop, it hurts. Isn't that good though? I thought it moves through. It doesn't move.

I think it expands. I think I'm doing too much. Hmm. She has seeds, huh? Chemistry project. I know. You shower in the morning? You're show it at night.

I'm sorry, Kevin. Yeah, I think we covered that. Come on, dude. Stop. Sometimes I do, like, sad baths where you just fill it up a little bit, splash around. I shower after. I shower after I work out, which is like twice a week. So you didn't shower today or last night?

No. You did your makeup, though. Yeah, I washed my face. You wash your face. Doesn't that feel weird when you put makeup on and you haven't showered? No. I get oil, olive oil, take the makeup off, rub it with towel, put makeup back on. With olive oil?

Olive oil. Yeah, I'm Italian. I don't know what to tell you. What? It's bruntas. Yeah. Showering is overrated. I'll do a whole bath sometimes.

You know what I do? Butt bath? Bro, you don't, this is why you know you're depressed. When you have a t-shirt on, bra, and you just take off your underwear and pants and then remove the showerhead and just wash your ass.

Because you're like fighting some God being like it's not technically a shower because I still have my shirt on. I don't know who that's for. I got to do that sometimes after I... Shate your pants. Fart and a little bit of poop comes out. Do you have any half-used gift cards at home

or on your person? Certainly. Not on my person. But certainly. Kevin or I had a booger or bad breath, would you tell us? No, but I would tell everybody else. Why? Everybody else?

Yeah, I'd talk to him about it. Oh, you would tell Foley's breath stinks. Yeah. That's fucked up. I know. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of that, but I'm being honest. What about Ian?

Would you tell you? Booger, I'd be like, no, I wouldn't. I would never say anything. But I would not talk shit about your booger. But if you have halitosis, yeah. I'd say you had halotosis to the most is what I say. Really? Yeah.

Have I ever had bad breath? No. Kevin, you never smelled my bad breath, right? No. Stop kissing you a month ago, though. Real cold in the bedroom lately. You know the comics that have bad breath. You know it.

When they're coming up, you're like, you know them. Yeah. They're out there. When was the last time you were on a boat? And where was it? Oh, my God. Maybe last year, California, my friend's boat at Arrowhead, Lake Arrowhead.

Okay. Yeah. I was going to ask you when's the last time you swam in a river or lake. What would it have been then? Two days ago. Two days ago. I mean, there's like a river by the house upstate. I swim in rivers all the time.

I find rivers. No kidding. Yeah, yeah, I'm a river finder. Hate the ocean. Love the rivers. Hate the ocean. Fuck the ocean. Fuck the sand.

Well, you wear shoes in the river? Like, you're just, it's tough to get out there sometimes. It is. I know. But that's why I go low and just handwalk. Okay. Yeah. What's going on about that house, by the way?

Are you finding some sanctuary there? I am, but we all, we had like a white trash incident. It was so brutal. We were, I'm listening? The neighbor, basically the watering hole is over the neighbor's property. The watering hole? The place, sorry, the place, the swim spot. Oh, okay.

Is behind my house, but you have to walk over these people's property. And I went up to their property and I was like, hey, is it cool if we, and they were like, yeah, no problem. But then one day my mom was out there with her two pit bulls. My sister, who's like classic trash, had her two Pomeranians. I was screaming after my dog and the three of us were out there with my niece that wasn't wearing any pants or underwear just a shirt and and my mom was like vee go about her dogs and i was screaming after my dog and and the woman came out was like you

guys can't be here this too much and i like looked and i looked at my like stupid sleeve and my mom with like her giant john wick pit bulls and my sister with her fucking giant stanley cup knockoff and i was like oh you think we're oh we are white trash but then i over did it and i like bought these zucchini and like told her that i grew them so she would not think i was white trash but she just wanting me to leave her alone it was so brutal they got the sticker on them i grew these yeah they were apples wow yeah i didn't know that they were all those people are your mom and your sister are living at that house no we were just all out there hanging but for the most part it's your you're it's your your place yeah yeah there's nobody in it right now so is there any trying you finding

tranquility up there no she's fighting with the neighbors i am finding tranquility i had a last time i was up there i was going i was in the midst of a breakup so it was really I felt a little like I was... Isolated? Yeah, isolated. Okay. Yeah. But you like having your mom and your sister around?

Yeah. Except for the... I don't like the drop-ins. I'm against the drop-ins. You like the pop-in. I don't like the pop-in. Pop-in. Okay.

Pop out. Do you use scented trash bags? No. I use scented poopie bags for my dog. Yeah. I respect that. Okay. Sented trash bags.

You drink water in the middle of the night? You wake up, thirsty. I have water OCD, so I have to drink a giant jug every night before bed, so I wake up like nine times. to pee. I have OCD about water because I'm worried that if I take my Prozac, I'll choke on it in the night, and I'll die in my sleep, and then good things will happen when I wake up, and then I won't be able to celebrate them because I'll think that I'm dead, so then I drink all the water just in case the pill is caught, but it's gotten out of control, so now I have to drink a lot of it. And I'm not a doctor, but I don't think that Prozac is working. I know. Hold on. Back that up for me. You, okay. Like, I'm worried that, say right now, you're like, hey, we, my example was a Netflix special. Like, if you were like, what? they were like you got a Netflix special I was like oh shit it's probably because I died and last night because I didn't drink enough water and this isn't really happening and I'm just dead but you still got the Netflix the good thing happened so why not just live in it if you are

dead I don't know it just keeps me up at night like I'm worried that if I don't do it correctly then what do you think a pill's going to choke you like that it's so weird I'm it's just OCD there's no truth to OCD it's all just like a weird game that it keeps you in I mean the amount of OCD that's why I'm late for everything the amount of pictures I'm on my phone, of my oven, of me taking pictures of the oven. I lied. It's brutal. I do it, heavy.

My wife's like, if you have a kid. No, I mean, he's eight weeks old. I've been doing this for years. Mine is, if I am leaving and my dog and me are out, I'm like, fuck it, let it burn. But if my dog is in the apartment, yeah, it's crazy. I have to check it a thousand. It cares about the neighbors.

I'm long gone. Yeah, who cares about the kids that live below me? Uh-huh. Okay. And the door check. I do the door check. That's why the handle keeps breaking. I didn't want to say it, but that's why it breaks it.

I'm with you on that. Yeah. I put my shoulder into it a little bit. But then I worry that if I shoulder it, that's like the give that I gave that's going to, when I walk away, it's going to open. Okay. Well, I mean, you're, yeah. It's too much. It's crazy.

My upsteer door keeps me up at night. I got to lock it and push it. Yeah, I'm always thinking someone's coming through there. But I haven't worn out the end. We have to relinquish control. We have to just, if they kill us, they kill us. Do you think, can I ask you something? Private Jets.

Are you in or are you out? I saw one the other day look really small. I've never been on one. They look. I think that's too scary. Yeah, I mean, we kicked around the, we had to get, we had to get from A to B quickly. And it was very close, but there was no, and we, like, looked into it to be, and we were also going to do it for the story because it's like, yeah.

We're going to blow all the money. We could not afford it. Yeah. I mean, it was stupid. But we just looked and, like, they, you just go like. this would be yeah like this would tiny i yeah it was it's too tiny

i don't think i'll ever need to get somewhere quick enough that i can't but you're worried about the unless he chit his pants yeah the danger is real uh yeah i'm worried that if got if there is a god and he had to smite an airplane he would definitely smite the the the two people on the plane versus the entire commercial jet like if i'm going down with a bunch of kids

we're all dying together, but if I'm on a private jet, I'm like, it's me and one person. It's like, the Irish Catholic in me is like, who do you think? It's like, what do you? Of course, that's when it happens. It's when you get the private jet, when you don't need the private jet. What if a famous person wanted you to fly with them private?

You got, what do you, you got to go? You got to go? Yeah. I don't know. But then if it goes down, it's a famous comic and another comic. But you have to be willing to die with them. You got what I'm saying? You're not going to get the headline.

Yeah, that's true. Buddy, if you're on a Delta flight, you ain't getting the headline. What? I saw a soccer team on my flight, and I was like, we're going down. Yeah, that would be a bad omen, too. Yeah. It's always takes. About that.

Yeah. Yeah, soccer team. Get them off. They were cute. They were like 15-year-old girls. Yeah. We're going down. That you're not getting the headline.

Yeah. Nate's got a great bit. Do you ever get on a plane and look around and go? You guys all look like you'd die. Yeah, yeah, that's so good. I do that. I go, that guy looks, that guy's got it all over his face. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know. Once again, you have, yeah, done yourself. Good. I'm pleasured with that. Have you ever driven a forklift? Yes. That's crazy. My mom.

Drove one here. My mom the other day zipped up behind me on a giant cabota with her, like, bandana and sunglasses on, and just, like, pulled up behind me and scared the shit out of me. And she was like, where are you going? And I was like, where are you going? Where are you going right now? Gay, she's got a brand new special out right now on Netflix. Do yourself a favorite and check it out.

The one, the only, the great Jordan Jensen, everybody. Thank you. Cool, man. Perfect timing. We love you. We'll see you next week.