Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Katherine Blanford!

Episode Date: September 29, 2025

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Katherine Blanford! You know Katherine Blanford from stand up comedy, Bertcast w/ Bert Kreischer, Coastal Idiots, First Date, The Tiny Meat Gang Podcast, Trash Tuesday, KFC Radio, Community Service w/ Craig Conant and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Tushy: Over 2 Million Butts Love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code GARBAGE at https://hellotushy.com/GARBAGE Nutrafol: For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to https://Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code GARBAGE.Trade Coffee: For a limited time, Trade is giving 50% off a month of cold brew. That’s around 60 cups of cold brew, for 50% off when you go to https://drinktrade.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find it at the group to be classy. See? Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash.

I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootty's in the new edition. She just got back from doing the Rorschach test. Okay. Crazy. My coes is coming here from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman of my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him.

Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang. Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify.

And our boys are climbing at charge. over there. Yes, sir. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www. www. patreon.com slash jarredge. Go over there. You get all that bonus content.

Uh-huh. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have her incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time. She's one of our faves. We've been wanting to have her on the show for a long time.

She's a very funny stand-up comedian. You can hear her every week on her amazing podcast, Coastal Idiots with our good pal, Mr. Shane Torres. Shout out to him. Give it up for Catherine Blanford. Hey, there she is. Just flew in from out.

LA, baby. Such as she said, I said, are we so good? She goes, I just landed. That was like an hour ago. Actually, she didn't plan for Mali. She flew in from Kentucky where she was at a music festival doing mushrooms. Doing mushrooms with Pete Lee. And now you're, you got a, you didn't get a hotel.

You got a storage unit that you're staying in in Midtown Manhattan. Yeah, I'm staying in a garage. Okay. Add that the Dunkin' Donuts, tall boy that you have in front of you. I see the order. Yeah, it's actually kind of. Light roast almond milk one espresso shot. It's not as strong

That's pretty classy Well why light roast Light roast? Light roast Did an espresso shot? I didn't ask for light roast I said give me drip And then she looked at me and judged me This bitch can't handle regular drip

She's checking up the ice I go give me that drip drip drip Mm-hmm Hey you with all right I'll give you that But my pod is Man right into the shameless plugs I respect this

Just let me tell you about Pod 39 Oh Jesus No Not that I forget about She's staying at one of those weird Japanese hotels with all the businessmen. Are you saving that much? Yes.

How much is it a night? I'm paying $1,200 for three nights. That's not that. Yeah, that's expensive. Yeah, I know, yeah. Have you looked at any other hotels around New York? No, I live here. I never thought about it that way.

I stayed in a couple this summer in the middle of July. City Club Hotel. Things weren't going great. Yeah, it was actually very affordable and nice. No way. I left there. How many friends do you? You have friends here, right?

You didn't have one friend you could have stayed with? That New Yorker's, there's no room for a guy his side to crash at your house for a couple of weeks. And not really. Yeah. Plus I was crying a lot and all that stuff. Oh, shit. Yeah. But that's not.

Neither here or there. My personal controversies are not on trial here. Wait, isn't it nice? You could have saved, you didn't save that much money. You could have got a regular hotel. No, I won't. I won't. I, when I'm in New York, I like to be like, oh, I want to suffer.

Shared bathroom? No, not shared bathroom, but no bathroom almost. It's like, it's in the living room type deal. Yeah, it's called a toilet bath shower. I have that at the Tommy in Austin. Yeah. Toilets in the shower. I love that.

I stayed there. It all goes into one drain. Yeah, no, that's the worst. If I can wake up half drunk in the middle of night, you'd fucking fall and snap your neck. Well, you just take a shower and you pee at the same. time. I've done that. And then you go down in the lobby to go number two. Is that what you do? Yeah.

Really? Why? Guys, have you never been in a new relationship? Oh, there was somebody in there with you? Yeah. I got to go check it. The Wi-Fi's not working. I would have went three towns over. What do you? Not a guy. You go on there's a line of new girlfriends. I thought you were in there by yourself. No, no. Okay. That makes sense.

You were that much of a lady. Shoot. I keep thinking I want to be. You should be. You should be It's a southern bell, no? Yeah, give us the backstory, by the way. Start from jump. I know. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm classy from trash.

I got a pretty good indicator. I look adorable. I'm so cute. Of a loose cannon. Yeah, I grew up on a cul-de-sac, though. Really? My first car was a champagne, Mazda protege. All right, slow down.

Slow down. These are great. I like this. Where did you grow up? Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville, Kentucky. In the suburbs or in the city proper? suburbs the whole city's kind of a suburb no suburbs suburb suburbs we were in a coldestack now here's the dilly

my family was the doing the best of all the aunts and uncles and cousins i understand both my parents grew up on tobacco farms my dad is one of ten wow uh his brothers are his cousins and his aunt is his stepmom his brothers are his cousins i didn't stutter my True or like he's like they're like his brother. No, there's his cousins. My grandpa Wait, what? Let me explain. Let me explain. He's a real hillbilly shit we got going on here. My grandpa Miss Light Roast.

Shot of espresso, my fucking ball sack. This is my third one. He, uh, my grandpa was married to a lady. They had three children. He was a pilot. He actually lied. He was a, he was too young to be a pilot. So they kicked him out of the war and he was training pilots in Texas. and then he owned a farm with some land or whatever and on the she

his wife was driving to the airport to pick him up got in a car crash she died the middle child died so he was widowed he was going back to war to train pilots he had 10 two kids two boys at home her younger sister moved into the house to help with the boys that's what happened in the Patriot Mel Gibson started banging the sister

not until the end don't matter she had a set hour she had a 10s on her that one one of my favorite movies You know when I was growing up? It was the Patriot and Emperor's New Groove. What the hell is that? Is that a cartoon? Disney cartoon, yeah. It's spayed.

Dude, those are bowler opposites. I'll give you. You know that movie where he murders people with a hatchet? All right, so that explains cousins and the brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So they're 19 years apart. Then they had eight more kids together.

They're 19 years apart. Damn. They had eight kids together? Yeah. So my dad's one of ten total. Whoa. Gotcha. And your dad does the best.

out of all the 10. Yeah, he went into the big city. Most of my aunt's and uncle. Stayed on the tobacco farm. Yeah. How does that do? It was booming. Who do they sell to?

Until the vapes came around. Until big vape biz. I might have to get back on the heaters to help the blend for it. I've got tobacco farm money. Yeah, no. Did you ever work the fields or anything like that? No, no, no, no. We would just dance underneath the drying leaves in the barn.

Yeah. Who did they sell to? Do you know? Was it R.J. Reynolds or Winston? Well, you guys... There's only a couple of big buyers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. Big operation? The Kennedys. That's also, like, that is such a girl thing to, like, not have any idea. It's just like, yeah, I don't know. They just, ever ask a girl what her dad does? They have no fucking clue what they do. I don't know.

I don't know. He sells light bulbs or something. You're like, what? I don't know. New Mercedes shows up every couple of weeks. I just assumed they showed up, but they were, like, their own distillery or something. And they were just like... Selling it.

Like, they were also then out on the street. selling you know who needs a big tobacco did they do well was it a big operation yeah yeah yeah he owned most of the land in Marion County your grandfather yeah which is close to barge town where all the bourbons made barge town

Billbillies love name in counties and they're like greater swatches of land that they think you know you know what I mean that's right by Segarville you're like what the fuck Marion County God damn and let me tell you that's close to and we call it Versailles

would you would call it Versailles Yeah, but we call it for sales. And my dad, if you ask him where he is, where he's from, he'd say Lebanon. Lebanon. Yeah, all right. Lebanon. Hey, I'm with you on that. Good bird's keeping it old school.

Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Then what did your dad do to do well? You said he went to the big city, packed his bags. I'm going to the big city. Yeah.

He got a University of Kentucky pharmacist degree. He's a pharmacist. He met my mom from Owensboro, Kentucky. the borough and all your dad had to do was become a pharmacist and beat out eight guys that's big city living is i'm saying he goes that ain't marion county i don't know what is a lot he freaking die here comes jim with all his pills and medicine moved in the city got his bartender last right wow and then now he's selling pills and medicine to all the people that were smoking the rest of their lives oh yeah he was working both sides he became a sales rep no he's a big he was

pharmacist own pharmacy or like working for another company well He worked, dude, he worked night shift at Walgreens, most of my childhood. Really? Yeah, dog. Damn. And that's doing well. I think pharmacists do very well. I think they're fine.

Yeah. He's not bright or anything. He's, he was like. He ain't book smart. Yeah, he's not like. He knows how to move a pill. This is back in the day pharmacists. You know what I'm saying?

This is like. No, please explain. They weren't like, this isn't like we have to tell you by the books how you should take this medicine gotcha this is him sizing you up more of a recommendation about 250 you can handle yourself yeah yeah yeah yeah you like to party and what about your mom what did she do she was a nurse okay um yeah she uh pharmacist isn't a nurse i know big big meds family and so was that their occupation to get you in the house in the coldest house in the coldest hours

That's what they did. Yeah, and how many brothers and sisters? One older brother, two years older, one younger brother, five years younger. That's great. It's a good combo. I know. Now, here's the classy thing. This is beautiful.

We went to Catholic schools our whole life. All girls Catholic high school, all boys Catholic high schools. Oh, you guys didn't go to high school together? No. Two years apart's perfect. My brother were two years apart. It was great. I know.

Isn't that so fun? Yeah. I had a senior when I was a sophomore. Tell me nothing. Now, boy, girls, the most fun because. Especially if the girl's younger. Yeah. There's her around brothers.

And you need a route to school. Somebody pick me up in my cold, you say. And they all had fake IDs, so when you would get in trouble and you need an adult to... A guardian. Yeah, yeah, to come get you from the police. Oh, no kidding. His friends would come with their fake IDs. That's pretty good.

And pick me up. All right. Something like it only happened in Kentucky. I know, I know. That would not happen in New York. I knew. We'd show the cop. Like, it would be like a.

The 19-year-old being like, I'm 26. All Catholic schools, doing well, called a sack. Yeah. How big was the house? How many bedrooms? Four bedrooms. Yeah, but... Pool?

No. Okay. No, sod farm behind our house. What the fuck is that? Sod farm. I speak in Kentucky. Yeah. You know what sod is.

That's still a farm. You got to farm it. You don't just go to people's yards and take it. Yeah, I'm so sorry. This is... I always thought that's what they did. This is like... Okay, I have hair extensions in.

Okay. This is your yard's hair extensions. We know sod. He just didn't know how they made sod. So hold on. Was it just a huge lawn, basically? Yeah. Probably really nice.

Well, God, I guess I know more about agriculture than I thought. They would switch between grass. It's not cross-pollinating seeds here. You call it grass one more time. Call it grass. That's Marion County Sod, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That is shit. That is internet. National grass to you. Kentucky bluegrass, pussy. Yeah. That's going over to Japan. That's nice grass. Oh, fuck.

They sent tuna here. We send grass. Wait, was it Kentucky bluegrass? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. But it's... I never thought about Kentucky bluegrass being an actual thing.

Yeah, it's freaking sawed after. Sawed after. I sawed after sawed after. Now, you got to go, you got to go soy one year and then sawed next year so you mix up the soil. That makes sense. You know about this? I don't, but I've... Variation.

but hold on so when it was you just said that like such a bitch and I respect like a variation when it was sod was it just like a beautiful field of grass yeah and this is the dope part this is what we were doing we get in trouble so they go they take a

they take a machine and it comes and it cuts rows and then little so it comes off so then it's like cut into these like long strips I'm with you and they leave that out there for a few weeks so the lines get cooked I don't know how to say that

then they roll it up so then you have these strips of just long dirt. And we were like, I've seen them. Mudslide! And so then we would go out there with buckets of water and turn those into mudslides. Would they get upset at that? Yes.

Yeah, we would have to run a few times from those farmers. But you live right behind it. They probably knew who you were. Yeah. Yeah. Was it the best crime? So, we were, you know what it is? Do you guys feel, where did you all grow up?

Outside of Philly. outside of Philly Suburbs. Do you feel like we were... And you guys are close to my age. I'm 21. Yeah. Never mind. You don't even get me.

Do you feel like we were the last, like, latchkey generations? How old are you? 34, 24, 27. Yeah, I would say your generation probably was. Dude, it was like, our parents were just gone. Like, they were at work, and we were just... And we had jackass.

Yeah. And all we did all day was just trying to recreate shit we saw on jackass. and like our parents That was big You know And it was just like It was so fun It was just

I feel like no I feel like me and my mom Were roommates Wait For a lot of the time His mom worked third shift too Oh Second shift

So second shift So you get home At like midnight Or whatever Oh so she was exhausted Yeah Yeah So you were just

That'll happen When you're a bar fly She was a professional drunk Luke you're 27 Did you have any Latchkey kids I would say that switched over pretty heavily.

You would know the Lashky kids in my grade. Who was home when you got home from school? They're bad kids. Yeah. Mom or dad. Seriously? Yeah. Never a nanny.

What the hell did they do? How were they home? They're rich. Yeah, my mom started working when I was in middle school and my dad came home. Oh, because she was bored and she needed a little hobby. Now, these are, these are, she need a passion project. These are CEOs and intelligentsia people. Telegencia.

I haven't even heard of that. I thought that was a magazine. Never heard of the Dempsey group? Don't talk to me like that. Cop a fucking attitude with me. Come in here throwing your big words at me. Let me just tell you why you switched from soy to sod. I come from grass people.

I don't know where the Dempsey's are. So yes, you would be on the end of the latchkey phenomenon. Sure. Which was so fun. Yeah, it was so dope, so fun. We had a fucking hoot and blast. By the way, I don't know any culture references or anything because our parents were around. They didn't teach us anything.

We were outside raising a ruckus Raising a ruckus Yeah Wow I didn't We didn't watch TV or any of that shit Were there any sports growing up? No we didn't have pro football or anything So it was Kentucky basketball

Through and through baby We didn't have pro Oh you know in the town Yeah dude Kentucky basketball was our NFL team What about you though? Did you play sports growing up? Yeah I ran cross country Okay

And I hated it so much It was the only sport Because it was no cut And so this is so bad Talk about getting by I like it I would... No cut, no drug testing.

Dug. Okay, during practice, you know, you were just like, we got to run into the field for 45 minutes. We'd run into the woods and then we just chill. They were like hippies to me. Dude, we would see that like every two hours they'd come running by like a herded deer. Yeah.

Scared the shit out of you. Like, what the fuck are you guys doing? And they're having a conversation too, and you're like, how are you talking right now? Yeah, they just ran in a loop. Yeah, and they're just, their little muscles are just popping out everywhere. And as even fat as I am, when they were like, it's only three miles.

I was like, what, three miles? That's cross country? Dude. Wait, you were going, it's only three miles? Yeah, that's cross country? You know what we would? It's not even cross. Chicago's cross country.

That's not even cross the half of Marion County. Bullshit. Uh-huh. Put the pads on, lady. Can I call? Can I say your kind? Yeah. So it was no cut?

Fat people? Yeah, listen. I don't know. Was it fat people? Yeah, it was no cut. So we had, we called him the show. shufflers. Oh, okay.

Gotcha. In his defense, he used to be an athlete. Did you really? Football. Football, wrestling, the cross, college football in the cross? Now, when you did wrestling, were you just kind of like, we all just laying on each other?

Is that what you think? Yeah? It's hotter that way. It was a little Romanesque. We were just cuddling. We got talking about Tushy. Shout out to Tushie. I could use it right now.

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and they'd be like, I hate this. And so I started fake passing out. I respect it. Crazy. Here's the first mistake I made. At first, I was like, I'm not going to be a good seller to pass out. So I was like, I'll pass out in the woods when there's not a lot of viewers. Right?

So, yeah, and then a girl will be like, there was a girl passed out. And so I pass down the woods. But then all these bitches are so competitive. They're like, this is one person I will definitely beat. So no one told me. on me so I had to fake wake up oh my god had to fake come to run until I saw like a mother who would care and then fake pass out again so that somebody would be like we've got one down and uh and then why wouldn't you just fake like a handie or something okay okay I tried in the

beginning I was like I will fake sprain an ankle have you ever tried to fake sprain in ankle It's a lot of acting. Yeah. At least with the pass out, you're like, I don't know what happened. Yeah. I'm dizzy. Let me sit down. An ankle, you got a milk for that.

That's like a three-week gig. Right. And then, and also it's just like, I think I tried to actually sprain my ankle, too. It's hard to, it's hard to do it on purpose. And they're in the woods, hitting yourself with a rock. I hate running. Don't tell nobody you saw this. Yeah.

Did you have, did your parents make you participate? Like, what's the, why couldn't you just go, I don't want to run anymore? I don't, I don't know. I think it was like. Like I have to do a sport. Okay, I think of pass out. Yeah. Someone who's faked asthma attacks.

Yeah. That's kind of what it was. But I had asthma so I could be like, I'd bother. Oh, it's so smart. The passout is severe. That's a unique level of trash. I would do. I started doing it like, by the fourth or fifth race that I did it, the coach stopped leaving that I was actually passing out.

But my mom cared so much. Started doing it right in front of him. Yeah. He would, he would just keep running. He'd be like, I don't. They must have thought you were nuts. If you were busted and they knew, man. They knew. He knew. He knew, but what was he going to say?

Yeah, she's also like a 16-year-old girl. He's clearly lying and has some problems. So his parents aren't giving her enough attention at home. She's acting out in the woods. He can't look at me, like a white girl at a Catholic, all-girls Catholic school and be like, this lying whore? I mean, that's your take on it. I wasn't going to say anything. Well, I'd pass out like this. Shirts unbuttoned My word I hope there's no hot guys in the woods

Out there like Vivian Lee Also a guy that Who's that? Deep cut I presume Does anyone got in that reference? She was in a streetcar name Desire No, four people Damn

Your movie references are deep By the way, I hadn't seen City of Angels I thought I had When you asked me And then I realized What I saw was the baseball movie with the angels.

Field of angels. Field of angels. No. Angels in the health fields. Yeah, that's what I saw. The reason that the Google, the reason the Google dolls had such big. Google dolls. Google dolls.

Google dolls. I'm more of a Yahoo doll man, myself. The Google dolls. The reason the Google dolls had such a huge push on mainstream was because they did the soundtrack for City of Angels, which is where they got the song Iris, where he wrote the song Iris for. That's what really blew them up. I'm saying. Is that go-goo?

What? Are you go-go for Gaga? What the hell are you talking about? When I tell you, I don't have any cultural references or know any lyrics to anything. You just said you were a fan of the Google Dolls. You just got back from a festival where they were playing. She was on drugs. I know this.

But you play the song and I love the song. You don't know Iris and I don't want the world to see you. This is how I would sing that. And I would be belting it. Is that what you were doing? Yeah, I go this. Catherine, fake pass out. Go.

Have you went back? Your mouth open. All right. Get your mind out of the water. All right, all right. Deep level. My mom cared. She took me to go to see a doctor because I kept passing out.

Oh, shit. Was in there for... Now you're lying to a doctor. I was in there for hours. We're not seeing anything. And I was like... Check again. Find it.

Then she was awesome. Then I went to South Carolina for. to school because I got into. Hold on. Did you eventually tell them that you were fake? Do your parents know today that what grade was this? All the way to senior year. You did this for four years? Yeah.

Just stop running. I, uh, join the fucking chess club or something. Welcome back to Are you a lunatic? Really? Do you have Munchausen syndrome? Oh, do you care about winning? Are you committed to fake passing out, though? Do your parents now no?

Uh, so my mom. Did you ever have a heart talk? Like, hey, by the way, just, you know. Those four years in college, I was fake passing out. College, high school. My mom died, so I think she knows now. I'm very sorry. Thank you.

Thanks for bringing it up. The Dempsey Group. I just see it. I did a bit on The Tonight Show. I think that's when my dad found out. Okay. That's crazy. You go ahead and find out.

How long did your mom pass? 11 years ago. 11 years ago. From? Sorry to hear. Lung cancer. Very sorry. Tobacco.

I'm just kidding. I don't think she really even smoked. But I think it was just kind of one of those Aaron Brockovich situations. Why do you say that? Come on. She was around it? Everybody in Owensboro gets lung cancer or brain cancer.

The water, the chemicals are using. Come on. Is it mostly tobacco farms out there? Yeah. And a big steel plant. Yikes. Bad combo. Talk about you get you coming and going down there.

Also, but isn't it my most, like drunk aunts, like the most insane ones, they'll never die. Nothing. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I had a couple in my family were like, this guy, oh, never mind. He didn't. He didn't. He didn't. He was a little too close to the son. He kicked it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rick's going to live forever. Rest in peace, big dog. He was just fake passing out. And then the way that they die, though, is they're not dying from, like, illness. Sure. Go on like a jet ski. Yeah, no, he was pretty bad. Yeah.

It wasn't like, a parachute and got him or something. Yeah. It was the lung cancer and the cirrhosis. Mine are like, mine are like, oh, my tattoo started rotting my skin, and that's how they died. Or like they fell down the steps.

Okay. But it's not. It's not God that took them. I understand what you're saying. It wasn't their poor lifestyle choices that led to their... You mean the tattoo that got them? I would argue that could happen to anybody. It does not happen to anybody.

I mean, it's not like they had kidney disease or anything like that. One of them got sick because she got her eyeliner tattooed and then it started rotting her eyelid. And then died from it. That one didn't die from that. That is the traciest shit I've ever heard. I got bad ink and my eyeliner. I got eyeliner to define my eyes. Now I got no eyelid at all.

The hell kind of ink, you're using, Earl? You got Unaball in there? God damn it. Jesus. All right, hold on. Let's try to re-center this a little bit. But your family did well. They were doing okay.

Yeah, it's adorable. All right. And then I left for college and went to the University of South Carolina. Hold on a second. What? Can you get to the University of South Carolina? My cousin Aiden, freshman there right now, loves it. Just talked to him last night.

Hell yeah, really. Why are you talking to your cousin? I'm close to him. He's a freshman? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Continue.

I don't know. What kind of high school nerd bullshit was that? I can't talk to a freshman? I never thought about it, but she's... I'm tight with my family. How? I have 60 first cousins, so I guess so I'm not a hillbilly. I have six and I'm very close to them.

They're all good kids. Oh, wow. Wait, he's your cousin, cousin? Yeah, Tracy's kid. Aiden. So your cousin's, so your cousin's. kid. Yes.

Okay. He's my cousin, too. I relax. Hey, what did you chill? Well, she got me on defensive. Now, what the fuck? I'm trying to find out. Do you have cousin FaceTime?

So, like, scheduled? Every once in a while, we'll do something like that. If it's the holidays and we can't be together, we'll knock one of those out. Yeah. That's nice. It's a pretty normal relationship. Yeah. He's a good kid.

Okay. It's a big age gap. I'm not dating the guy. Okay. He said no. Okay. Gamecock. Gamecock.

Yeah. But hold on. Let's pull back to the childhood a little bit more. What? It's good school, though. It is so fun. His cousin goes there. Let's focus on the childhood a little bit more.

The family dynamics. What was a traditional family vacation in the Blandford? Yes. Mertle Beach, baby. Shout out to do it. Dirty Myrtle. Or we go to Gulf Shores in Alabama or Destin, Florida, if things were going real well. Gulf Shores.

You ever been to Gulf Shores? No. I have a weird thing with the Gulf of Mexico. I don't see how that's... Gulf of America. I don't see how that's an enjoyable... I've been... I've been to St. Pete.

I know that I'm wrong. Same Pete's good. No, you don't... Wait, I thought that was the classy one. No, that's what I'm saying? It's good. That's what I'm like, let's go to the shores. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, this is an... I can't imagine going to the beach in Alabama. It's just in my head... It's beautiful, isn't it? It is. You know what? We did go there a lot. That may have contributed to my mom's early death.

The water is alarmingly warm. And the beaches are white. And the water doesn't get that deep, right? It's like, isn't it like shallow for long parts of it? Yeah. You're going to walk out like a half a mile. That's what I don't like. We know what we love.

Where you get caught peeing. A sandbar. So many sandbars are. There's nothing that. Or a good tide pool. Shout out to it. Yes. All the little kids are going to know.

Uh-huh. Aren't there a lot of stingrays in the golf? Well, the little ones are in the kitchen. I was told you got a shuffle. You got a shuffle. Oh, that what it is? No. We were just living with jellyfish.

So many jails. jellyfish you know okay that's it i don't know beautiful beaches look at mobile alabama it looks nice it's nice jekyll island if you're doing really well that's outside of uh um we gotta go that's beautiful yeah i'm with it yeah yeah it's good so we did we atlantic ocean for like for like a week you go for a week or a weekend yeah for a week yeah okay yeah yeah my bed blood but we're by the way we're all sleeping in like one like you know Like my parents have a double bed and the kids have a double bed. Port of like an Econ unit type of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're typically doing that. Okay. Yeah. Respective. And at Disney World. We did Disney when we were young. That's too much.

When did you get your passport? Um, my dad, my grandpa remarried a Calgary woman in Canada. No kidding. And so we were, hold on. After the 19, or after the sister? This is my mom's dad. My mom died. My mom's mom died when she was 12.

Okay. Okay. And so my Italian or something over there. So my grandpa remarried a Canadian woman and moved to Calgary. Okay. And so we went up to Calgary, Calgary Stampede. Dude, I thought the Calgary Stampede was this nice little family-friendly. Was it a rodeo?

A little get-together, a little picnic. What is it? That shit is horny. What is it? Calgary Stampede. Have you ever heard about it? I don't even know what it is. Okay, okay.

Calgary. In Alberta, Edmonton, Calgary, it's the Texas of Canada. Okay, that I do, know. And the Calgary Stampede is a big festival. Gotcha. In Calgary. And I thought it was this nice little family-friendly. It's the spring break of Canada.

They be fucking. Wild. Lumberjacks. What did you go there? Is a family? Yeah, to go visit my grandpa. Okay. How old were you when you went up there?

I think it was like, maybe 11. or 12. So that's when I got my passport. That's when you got your passport. Not bad. Yeah, but that was the only country I went to outside of the United States until I was in college when I did an internship for the London Olympics in 2012, and I was an intern for the cleaning company.

The cleaning company? Wait, okay, can we skip ahead for two seconds? Okay, so my major in South Carolina was called Sport and Entertainment Management. Hold on, when that hit, that became the biggest dirtbag career choice. Wait, is that a- All of my friends. I'm in sports marketing and management. Sales and ad revenue.

You're like, shut up. This isn't that. It was like, I love football. Yeah, this isn't, this wasn't the cool shit. This was like the venue management. These were like, we were like feed our kids into like running the security. You were working for the cleaning company. Yeah, yeah.

That's like such a job I would get to. Big Aramark contracts. Bro, if I did not get into comedy, I'd be running like the parking for like a giant arena right now. I know that's what I'd be doing. I did work. I was a manager for the security for the Amway Center, the Orlando Magic's Arena. No one's safe at any of those events. Now like you in charge.

Dude, I'm sitting there. Drinking on the job. Watching the wanders. Those wanders are. You know, and you like, okay, so if you staff like an Ariana Grande concert, right, at an arena, you go, who's my best guys? They're, you're putting them in the front of the stage or backstage. Then your second tier, you've got them on the floor. So the outside of the stadium is the worst guy.

Dude, those wands aren't even on. Those ones aren't even on. Those guys are, they worked two other shifts that day somewhere else. They don't give a shit. They're getting paid $9 an hour. They're literally making the beep with their. mouth they don't give a fat fuck he just fucking give a gooseing you checking your oil pack it on today uh they're giving you nice that makes sense all right internship abroad

okay yeah wait okay let me tell you this really fast so i worked velodrome you remember the velodrome you know what that is it's the tiny little bikes that go around and oh yeah oval it's fucking dope velodrome it's called velodrome is that an event in the olympics yeah it was a whole Like the wall. It's like roller derby for nerds on bikes. Oh, those bikes? The British and the Australian just like trying to shove each other off each other. Wait, what did you do for this?

It was like, it was like roller derby for tiny twinks. I never understood that. How was that an Olympic sport? It's so dope. I love it. Wait, but what were you doing? Okay, sorry. I worked Velodrome and BMX, so that was what my pass was for, right?

Like you were, what, cleaning the events? I was staffing. the cleaners, which is hilarious because, like, you were on site, though? Dude, okay, so they, yeah, so they, the cleaning company had, they built out a camp down in this back alley. All right, let me get back for a second, for a second. For a city to win, I'll go back to my childhood, but I think this is so entertaining, because we kind of studied the IOC in my major. For a city to win, international Olympic committee. Come on, man.

Well, it's crazy you think I was just going to pull. You're not the IOC. That's wild. You know about the Dempsey group. First of all, I got IOC conspiracies. I got to pull you back. I don't even remember the Olympics being in London. I have to go, I got to call bullshit on myself here.

Zero remembrance of that at all. 2012? Gabby Douglas, won medals at the 0.2. Michael Phelps broke metal records. I thought that was in China. Usain Bolt? I saw him watch Usain Bolt? No, that was after.

Did you see Usain Bolt run? Dude, yeah. How'd you catch him? He fainted. I go, let me tell you how I saw him, though. This is, this is, I got a little scrappy. Okay, so. But for an IOC to win the bid for the Olympics to come,

they have to promise that they were put the Olympics, like the village and everything, in a part of the city that's run down to bring up the economy, right? So the Olympics weren't strapped for. which is not the best area. A big dogy. Yes. We, the Olympic, or our cleaning company, Australian cleaning company, built a... Wait, is that the name?

What is it going on here? It's called Clean event. Clean of it? Yeah, clean event. Oh, I think of it. They built a camp, right? And on the back of an alley called Candy Cane Lane, and the front of it was a... What are you talking about?

There was a fucking alley called Candy Cane Lane, and they built a camp for us all the... Look, are you tracking any of this on Google Earth? Hold on. Google Daily Mail Clean Event London Olympics, because they reported us because of how unsanitary these living conditions were. You know, like a construction company, like the trailers? Sure.

They put 10 of us into one of those. And they recruit all these people from Hungary and Spain and everywhere to come and be the workers. Okay. And so we would be living with people from Hungary that didn't speak English. Okay. Hungarian men are mean.

Okay. We would like... Really? Most Eastern Europeans are known for their warmth and welcoming of odd blonde women. We would be like, I just need to take a shower before work, and they'd be like, fucking in the shower. And we'd be like, how much... Yes. With who?

I don't know, Hungarian woman. No kidding. Nice. Yeah. Damn. Or any, maybe a woman from the brothel up the street. There's nothing wrong with that They would grunt at us

Like if we were just like How much longer? That'd be it You had to share showers with the workers? Yeah You said it That makes sense The headline is 10 to a room

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Now, back to the show. Back to the show. So I wouldn't really call that studying abroad if I have. I mean, like, there's people who study abroad in the south of France. You were an indentured servant for the Olympics with Hungarian guys. That's way different. This is how I live my life. You get in, you have all these.

fun experiences, but I'm like, I never got in lavishly. Sure. It was always like these little backdoor. I'm very similar to that. Yeah. But you got to see Usain Bolt. Yeah.

Okay. So my past was... He's having sex in a shower. Hey, man, don't you got a race in 10 minutes? I'll be fine, man. I had to have sex with the cleaner. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Isn't he? I don't know. I hope so. He ain't Jewish. I ain't from kids. Kentucky. All right, what? I was trying to remember, you know, I say bacon and Jamaican. You say beer can.

Beer can. All right. I don't think any of that's right. To get, okay, so I wanted to go to the opening ceremonies, right? But I didn't have a pass into the main stadium where the track and all that shit was. So my supervisor is like, the only way you can get in is if you're working. So I put on a cleaning uniform And a dust and a broom I'm so good at faking the shit down

Started talking Hungarian Yeah he started He started hollering and gibberish Sims and started sweeping Because Elton John was playing The Spice Girls were supposed to come out The Queen was going to be there But then I got too obsessed

With cleaning And started like really getting into it And like didn't even end up watching the ceremony What were you cleaning during the opening ceremony? I had a broom, I had a broom and a pan. They had people sweeping? Why that's going on? Yeah, dude, it's a whole stadium.

It's now the West Ham's soccer stadium. They saw me cleaning, and they were like, somebody pulled me, and they're like, we need somebody in our VIP area. There you go. I get pulled in the VIP area. I was with this other British girl who did the same thing as me, and I kind of got jumbled up in this crowd and, like, bumped into this man. He's on stage.

He's a torch in her hand. He was in a wheelchair. Who? Well, and then I walked past them, and she goes, do you know who you just bumped into? And I was like, no. She was like, that was Stephen Hawking. And she was like, he was standing next to Cindy Lopper.

Sitting. And I, he was rolling next to Cindy. And he was at the opening ceremony. What did you say? He was at the big air event. He said, what event is he in? Like he was competing. Oh, BMX.

Yeah. He was doing the half pipe And I didn't even know he was I didn't even know who it was She had to tell me who he was I didn't even know what this got to do with you Meet Nussain Bolt Oh well then I kept sneaking in as a sweeper

And a brimmer to all the events So you got to watch him run that I got to watch Michael Phelps I got to watch Gabby Douglas But I had to put it on a cleaning uniform And like every now and then I'd have to sweep a few times So I didn't look like our employees Were getting lazy

Yeah and that's what I did all the Olympics Pretty good. It's so fun. Not bad. A very dirtbag. That's a dirtbag way in. Guy to get into the Olympics. I respect that.

I'll give you that. I learned, though. You can get in anywhere if you're cleaning. You don't need credentials. Chrissy, if you're running security. Guys, Juan's not even on. How's he going to get? Orlando Magic.

No one's safe. What was your first job? Your first actual job. Black Friday, Old Navy. Nine hour shift on the fleece wall for nine hours. my hands were bleeding by the end of it because it soaks it out all of the moisture out of your hands to the point where they're cracking what the fleece does yes it's all that polyurethane they use that is so trashy and so specific so they brought you in for black friday okay christmas vacation

Thanksgiving weekend it was at the height of the fleece old navy craze yes that was head Yeah, it was, police in the wintertime, flip flops in the summertime. That's what the people came in there for. You let me tell you, I went back for the next day for a nine-hour shift, and they're like, we can't believe you came back. Can you tell you the darkest part of that, that job? Old Navy, any of these, like, those kind of stores, once you get on the register that you have an earpiece

and your managers are back, they're lurking and watching you, and they want you to offer a credit card to everybody that comes, It sucks. Dude, they go. It's predatory. All they want you to do is get them to try and even open. They don't care if they get approved. They just want you to open it.

You have to ask every single person. You want to put that on a Macy's card today? Yeah. I'll ruin your credit for eight years. You want to try it? Yes. Hey, they got me. They want to get you too?

And the people that always go for it are the people that you're looking at them. And you're like, people used to get approved for me at Macy's. And I go, yeah, just give me your social security number. First of all, you're giving me your social number out of cash rent. Right. I'm wearing my dad's suit. It's crazy. These people are paying in cents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? They're pulling out pennies to finish paying. To cover the dollar, yeah, yeah, and they're trying to open up a credit card. Yeah, yeah. And they would go, I remember the one guy, go, it ain't going to work. I go, buddy, they're going to give it to you. You're going to, I guarantee it.

You're going to shit yourself when you see the line of credit. I remember going, I got to approve for $800. But it's only in there. You can only use it in there, right? Yeah. I thought I could use it everywhere, and I could do it. I just cleaned it off my, I just got it off my, yeah, yeah, it lasted forever. This podcast is doing well.

Yeah, we'd do, all right. I'm bad with money and my credit's even worse. I get it. Me too. But they would approve you even for like 200 bucks or like somebody would have been like $400 worth of stuff. And like that was his net worth. And I'd be like, you got approved for 100. He goes, put that on there.

Because then that guy goes, I got an extra 100 bucks. I can walk around. Yes. And you're just like, get out of here, dude. It is what it is. Yeah. And they're like, there's like a child behind them. Mm-hmm.

Open him up. too. I know. It's a little fucker got a social security number on them? Yeah. You got a bank account big man? Okay. Well,

what they did was check your social security number. That was it. I know. That was it. I would type it at a computer and it would just say yes. Yeah, yeah. Most, I mean, most people were denied and that was insane, though, because then you had to be like, the worst is when you told them that they were denied because you just had to go like this.

Okay. Well, you were not approved. Would you like to check out with credit or cash or something? There's going to be cash or credit. And you couldn't, you just had to say it in the same, like, voice that you would at. But you have a good voice for that. You just get embarrassed in front of a high school kid.

It's, it's, it's, you're just like, this is dark. Yeah, it's tough. If you do pay with a credit card, we're going to see some identification. Because you apparently are a dirtball because you didn't get approved for an old Navy credit card. Yeah. That was a dark, um. That's a dark time in your life. Yeah, I've had dark jobs, but that, it felt.

dirty that was your first one yeah and besides like nannying and babysitting okay yeah that's a good first one yeah what was the grocery store you guys went to growing up kroger respectable can't fight that's good shout to a groger hmm if you guys would have would you guys ever go out to eat as a family benihana's benihana's if we were rocking and rolling what year is this 71 the height of benny yeah did when there was like no I'm shocked there was a Benihana I always thought there was like one in Vegas LA in New York

I think that town your town's a lot of new money right a lot of new tobacco money and stuff like that especially in the 90s Yeah this is where you're fucking farmers almond A lot of big tobacco money down it 16th largest city in the country That's not a 16th largest city back

Louisville Yeah it is Louisville Metro Metro Okay Yeah this is when Benny Hanas was like How many How many locations are there? I'm seeing 14 right here.

Whoa. No shit. Good for you there. Okay. Wow, Louisville's got one. How many dollar signs is Benny Hanna on a, give me an average price? Two, I would say.

That seems expensive. Benny Hanna to me was always what, like, stockbrokers did. I didn't know nothing about it. What? But it's habachi, right? Yeah, bro. That's what stockbrokers did? This is like, this is when they would throw a shrimp in your grandma's face.

Stockbrokers like that. When that happened, that was big. Remember the onion choo-too train? He's never been. I've seen the little volcano. I get it. This is why things aren't going well for you. You haven't experienced this joy.

I'm too fat to have somebody throwing shrimp at me. You don't have to accept it. You know what the worst is when they always have a little bit of spare protein that they, after they've divvied up everybody's protein. Yeah, when does everybody eat? And they automatically look at one person and they're like, you want the extra? Yeah, I do. I typically would get, I would, they'd hit me with it.

When do you eat? Like, how long is that little show? Enough with the theatrics, pal, I'm starving. And is it just fried rice? Is that all they make? Fried rice and vegetable, yeah, for the most part. So, a couple veggies. You get your shrimp, you get your, you can order.

So you don't like order. No, you go like, I think you go like, I'll do chicken, I'll do shrimp. Yeah, yeah, whatever you want. It's, it's like the perfect, it's everything. Oh, really? I think it's, what do you want, shrimp? You can only get salmon or do an entree? You can't put chicken fingers on a griddle there.

Yeah, man. You can do a side order, but they don't make a show about it. Yeah, they're not stoked. Yeah, you're the party pooper. By the way, when we went to, also it was like there was no white chefs. You know what I mean? Now, Benihon is an inclusive. Now it's like Hooters that has like mail servers.

You're like, not why I come here. Yeah. That's not why I come here, Randy. I came here for some teddy. Yeah, I don't want. Him giving me the onion-choo-too train. I want authentic. All right.

Three money signs on Benny Hunt. Whoa. So I said it was a big celebration. All right. We went. Did you have a favorite frozen pizza growing up? We had white castles. There was frozen white castles.

Mm-hmm. That we would. You would do that. We would eat those up. There was two little sliders in like a hot pocket. I know. And we, you know about those? Yes.

And we had a lot of that. I didn't, we did it. We did that. She's giving you the fucking business, dude. I'm, I'm one-uping you. White House of Sliders. And then we did T.J.I. Fridays, um, artichoke dip. Oh, that was our shit.

Like at home, like the pre-made? Yeah. I got to be, the Fridays really figured out how to get the home, the fucking, those mozzarella. It came with the good mariner aerosols and the plastic bag. That might be the first TGI Friday's frozen food line that we got an answer for. That's pretty good. That was my obsession, that artichoke dip.

What were you dipping in it? Tortillas? Yeah. See, and my parents, they were gone all the time. So, like, we were doing, like, child creations. So, you know, it was like you'd just take tortilla chips and dump them on a plate and then take a whole bag of shredded cheese and put that in the microwave. That's the best.

I'm figuring out. Yeah, dude. Vienna sausages. Did you do Vienna? Little Vienna sausages? They didn't really mess with it, but I get it. Oh, that's crazy. Cut those up.

Put those in Spaghettios. Oh, they were so mushy. You say Italian dinner? Yeah, man. So good. I love that stuff. Dude, we would have that. That would be our breakfast.

And then every morning, because our parents were gone, here was our, we'd wake up, we'd watch blues clues for my little brother. And then Mori Povich. You are not the father. And the price is right. And so we got, you know, we got our colors. With SpaghettiOs of Vienna sausage. For breakfast.

Uh-huh. We got our colors and our shapes. Uh-huh. We got our fraternity test. Our paternity test. And then our economics lesson. That's pretty good. I got to be honest with you.

That is a well-rounded dirt bag morning. And then off to play in the sod fields. And then we go. To ruin some farmer's day. Dude, it was perfect childhood. Okay. Okay. How did you do well in high school?

I mean, University of South Carolina is a good school. No. No? No. No. It's not. Really? No.

Okay. Have you heard about it? I thought it was a good school. Okay, I think there are... Expensive. Out of state. Yeah, yeah. What I got, I wheezzled my way into state.

That's why I went. I couldn't afford out of state. How would... It's called academic common market. You go and pick a major that's not offered in your state. And then you get it at a new state. Yeah. Is that how you got in sports?

Yeah, that's the only reason I did it. It was in state Management Drunken sports Uh huh Okay It's a better school now Thank you

Shout of your cousin Really bringing it up I forgot to folly bump on that one I bet he's is he in the business school I believe he's pre-med That could be wrong I'm gonna be a pharmacist Where's he growing up in Philly

Yeah it's out of Philly in the suburbs Dude there were so many Like Maryland Philly kids that came out of South Carolina. Yeah, a lot. And they stood out. In a good way or bad way? They just stood out.

Dude, South Carolina. I always tell it the Habachi restaurant. Yeah, man. The rest of you're probably walking around an overall. Of course, they stood out. They had shoes on. I got your eyes tattooed and shit. Well, they were the only kids in skinny jeans.

Okay. They brought a little fashion down there. Yeah, they were the only boys wearing graphic teas. Okay. Graphic T's head. I got, I got swirled up. And that phenomenon. Shout out to Express.

Dude, that was it. High tech T's from Express. High tech T's. Dude, I got to have an express card, $200 limit on that bad boy. I'd go get fucking glossed off. You wore Express. I was in college and you're trying to be cool. I bet you wore the one with like blue and darker blue stripes.

Yeah, well, I had them all. I like the cool cross and like a street sign. What were you kicking it in? All right, here's the dealio. I thought South, I thought Kentucky was Southern and then I went to South Carolina. That's what I go, I'm not that classy, because you go down there and you see, that's Classy, that's like Southern Bells. That's old money debutante shit.

Yes. And they. That ain't you. No, no. Saad Farm people. Yeah, exactly. We were wearing, I would walk outside with sweatpants on. These girls are not walking outside without a sundress.

Of a Southern Bell. Yes, they were sundresses. Then the boys always wear collared shirt and khakis. And that's why the, the, the, the, the. the Yankees would stand out because they weren't wearing baggy cackies. I would do that. I would get in the, I'd do the cackies and a nice button-down shirt. You can do that.

I know, but I'm not going to. It fits for you. Yeah, nice lady in a sun, nice hot chick in a sundress. Yeah, man. Her parents probably do well, go over there for dinner. Yeah. They'd ask me that, I'm, what sort of Christian are you, Henry? Ma'am, I'm a Catholic, but only the bad part.

You get a big laugh. And then I would take the bar exam down there And I would become a little loyal Right, dude You'd be set Yeah Yeah You know what you say you go Catholic

But in the business sense And they'd go yes But don't hold that against me, sir We all have all show comments Another mint chulub Henry You're a fan in yourself I do declare Is this meatloaf?

It's chicken Well, don't tell my mama You're jumping the shark on it Uh, will you sneak snacks into a movie theater? Fuck, yeah. I would sneak meals. Probably in her shoes. Yeah.

It's a loose their big sandwiches. Airplane bottles in the, in the boots. Yeah, yeah, we just, uh, yeah, we would sneak, you know what it was fun? Do you have a knife on you? Suit. Not right now. I can see that. A knife? Yeah, like a switchblade in your boot or something.

Um, I used to get, I kept getting my mace taken away. Um. professionals will tend to do that. Yeah. I usually end up like, you know, when you like switch out a purse or something, I find a knife. I didn't know it was in there. Yeah. Crazy.

I love it. Okay. So you go to, you go to University of South Carolina. You graduate? Yes, I did graduate. How many years? Four years. That's good.

Yeah, four and a half. There we go. Any real run-ins with the law in high school or anything like that? Except for the, you know, maybe underage drinking or something like that. Not really that bad. I mean, we, uh, yeah, it was just all underage drinking. We kind of, I mean, we were bad. You know, we were just drinking, but we didn't do, like, hardcore drugs or anything

until, like, the later years of college. Any, excellent. Any injuries as a kid, broken arms, broken ribs. I tried my hardest. I know, you did. But not really. Other than the fake. Yeah.

No, not rude, not, no. Fake neurological disease that you had, everybody thinking you had? No, I, I, yeah, it was all fake, so just for show. What's the car now? What kind of car you were there? Oh, what was the family car? We didn't ask. Oh, yeah.

We got your first car, right? Oh, God. Yes, Siena. Sienna. Okay. Yes, white. Quality car. Yeah, quite a car.

Power doors. And what did you get as your first car at 16? Mazza protege. Champagne. New? What year? I think it was a. Maybe

2000 That's new money trash But that is kind of something That they do in the South with daughters They get a car Yeah, I did get a car When I turned 16 I was blessed

I feel like, you know It might be a little sexist But that's it? I know it's not good It's not That looks like a Ford Taurus Yeah it's so cute I thought it'd be a little

Like a more eclipsy No no no this is the one that people don't know about. They don't know about the protege. That looks like a Ford Escort. Yeah, people are trying to forget about the protege. Looks like it needs a new mentor, huh? Kenny Banya.

We, this was a car that. That's a 98, though. These are 98's. Let me give, well, you would you say, a 20, what? I can't remember. I think it was 2001. 2001? When did you turn 16?

The 20, 2001's not much better. It's not, man. When did you turn 16? Uh, okay, wait. I was 17 when I graduated high school in 2009. That's young. I graduated 17? Yeah, I was August 19th, 1991.

So it was the youngest, you know, it was that August thing. Okay, yeah. I'm the oldest or the youngest. Yeah, I went older. Yeah, I was the youngest. So you just turned 18 when you went to college? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a squirrely one, you know that? Why? You're all over the fucking map. I know, I know. You're in London with the Hungarians. You're, you know, driving Mazda protege? I know.

But you whip a Mazda protege everywhere. Dude, a champagne-colored car. I had one. I had a Mercury Montego. Shout out to the Tigo. It is so... Wait, you fall in love with it. I did.

There's something about a champagne-colored car. It's motherly. Yeah, well, it's an old person. It's a... Champagne says something about you. You're not flashy. You're not trying to be cool. You're not trying to impress people.

I got news for the both of you. That ain't champagne. I don't know what kind of champagne you're drinking. You drove tan cars. That's champagne. With a bad paint shop. No, it's... Check the registration.

That's something M-A-B can. came up with to sell paint. Yeah, that's a chapagny pro de j. Okay? This is, it sparkles a little bit in the morning. Everybody's got that in there. I got a blue car had that little sparkles in it. No, not like this.

Blue. Blue is like, man, dad just got fired, but he's trying his best. A navy blue car? Oh, okay, I'm thinking Royal Blue. My dad had a drew of a blue, like a Royal Blue Taurus for a little bit. Maybe I'm thinking Royal Blue. Do Royal Blue is, unless it. it's like a sports car, like

if a Taurus is Royal Blue, it's a sports car. It's like, no. Like a drag racer? You know, something badass. My mom's Taurus. A Mazda 3. It's just kind of sporty, right? Yeah, very much. So, I mean,

listen. Yeah. Wow. What? We're trying to decide? I'm trying to, you know, it's pretty, If we had, like, a garbage institution, I think we'd be considering... You'd be in a straight jacket. Yeah.

Do we admit it? It's like middle-class trash. Maybe not. Yeah, but with a southern twang to it. Yeah, money's got nothing to do with it. That's true. You're doing fake passouts in high school. I haven't talked about running across the porta-potties in the end field of the derby.

We did derby. We did Derby. Kentucky Derby. Did you make it? How many Port-a-Potties did you make it? This is the first. I've never known anybody that's done it. Okay, so here's the key, right?

So I brought my... If you're not familiar for the listener out there, if you're not a huge dirt bag, the running of the Port-a-Potties is the row of port-a-potties at the Kentucky Derby. I believe, though, they also do it at the Preakness, where at a certain point of the day, you get up and try to run across the roots of them.

I thought these were classy events with big hats and mint juleps. Yeah, it's like the same as like you can go to a classy, you can go to a bird's game classy if you're sitting in the fucking owner's box. But you can also do it how we do it with the orders of chicken fingers. Hey, one. The end field is like dude, it's like you, yeah, you x-rayed

Kid Rock's heart. It looks like that's what the end field of it looks like. And the people are, you don't even, dude, I remember the first time my parents were like, you can't go by yourself and do your sophomore in high school and we finally get it. That's still not old enough. I mean, it's like, that's like

mostly college kids like my friends going out there till you're tan honey you ain't ready for this we go out there and i see a bunch of guys and flip phones yeah and i'm like why are they all their flip phones in there and it's always derby it's the first saturday may so it's springtime it's kentucky it's a valley so it's always raining okay so it's all it's just mud it's straight mud out there and i'm like why are these dudes and with uh suits with flip phones gather on the circle and i'm like a new freshman like a little tadpole or sophomore and, like, peeking my way. Like, what are they watching, Papa?

And, like. They're running across to shit. Dude, this wasn't even that. This was the pregame to that. It's a huge mud pit, and there are women in cute sundresses diving into this mud pit for $100 bills. At the Kentucky Derby. That's 99% of the Derby is that.

So, yeah, it's such a trashy event. And then, okay, so then later in the day, everybody gets jealous of the, horses racing so then we have our own races and so you try and run across the top so it's like a string of porta potty's right and they're domed shape so it's really hard to get across because and also remember it's raining it's slippery but not you think that those are all the elements that make it hard the hardest part is when you start running across them there's all these drunk people in the field and then you you turn into like a human carnival game and they're chucking

beer bottles at your head to try and knock you off. Pretty good game if you're on the other side of it. For points. How far did you make it? I, okay, so I made it all the way. Really? Yeah, fuck yeah. Good for you.

I forgot to tell my roommate from college that came with me this one year that it is illegal. So she made it all the way. Here's the thing. It's not done once you get to the end. You have to then get down and escape into the crowd so you don't get arrested. because there are cops waiting for you

I forgot to tell her that so she made it all the way as well then she stood up there and celebrated and then when she got off yeah she got arrested how'd you get her out uh well I'm back to school

well it's it's derby it's not it's not real jail it's derby jail okay you dumb motherfucker yeah it's drunk tank okay so I let her out and I also said that she was a new mom and this was her first night out she's pregnant let her go She's going to lose that baby

She's all fucked up Running on Porta Body You be careful with her She's with child That is a championship baby She's trying to show her baby How to be a winner I mean, you know

Wait can I tell you my last one Please I just remembered this Is this gonna turn it around Well I just need to tell you what Because you're like My parents were medical people But there is a

There was, like, a country. Like, you know, I said, like, my dad is old school pharmacist. My mom was old school nurse. Mm-hmm. So I remember when I was in college, I was at South Carolina. This was, like, I stayed a summer in Columbia. Nice. And I'd probably been.

Cartel cleaning. Columbia, South Carolina. Oh. Columbia, South Carolina. Where was the internship? I was working at the arena, colonial life arena. Okay. Probably been out.

Security? Swimming in a. What was I doing that? I was in charge of popcorn. I think I was in my... I got to lick it for it to taste real good for them. I think I'd been out swimming in the river a little bit

and didn't take my bathing suit off soon enough and been walking around a wet bathing suit. God, where's this going? Are you ready for this? Infection, for sure. Staff in the fixy-o. I got a jellyfish in me. I'm pregnant with a jellyfish.

Swam my mouth. Let me tell you, I was melting. So I called my mom, and I was like, Mom, my vagina's melting. She was trying to figure out if it was a yeast infection or a UTI, and one of them is, one of them is itchy and one of them's not. I honestly don't even know now. And so she goes, do you want to take, no, my mom was a real country. So she was like, you want to take a round brush up there?

You know, like the hairbrushes that are round with all the bristles that go on. Put it up there? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that sounds very comforting and soothing. then can I do that oh like do you would that okay I got soothe the itch not go and do this yeah yeah yeah okay I mean it's a dangerous suggestion I thought that was her suggestion okay so real old school nurse you want to go find some deer antlers yeah yeah that's how she keeps me from getting pregnant just use a round brush I got you it does the trick just okay so the impulse to scratch yeah yeah and I was

like yeah I want to do that she was like oh All right, you need a monostat. So I was driving to the store to get monostat, and I got pulled over. And so I started fake crying really hard, and the cop walked up. And he's like, what's wrong? And I was like, I don't have any money from monostat. And my vagina is so itchy. I want to put a round brush up there.

And he was like, Jesus. Okay, ma'am, take care. He was like, I'm not going to pour water in a sinking ship. He's like, just put your seatbelt on. And I got out of that ticket. And so now I have a tattoo of a round brush. On your thigh? On your thigh?

Oh yeah, because I think I wrote it into a joke that, like, got on some TV thing. So it was like a tribute to my mom. Got you. I put a round brush on my tattoo. And people, it looks like a vibrator. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, what a tribute to Ma. My mom has a, I always say her tattoo, she never got a tattoo, but my dad on her grave, on the back of her grave, he put the University of Kentucky Wildcat as big as the state. as big as the, like, the whole grave on the back of her grave.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but just to have some type of camaraderie have your back a little. I have been to Habachi. Remember how I had the shower brush? And I said... Yeah, the lufa. Sure, but in between my legs and the taint area, when I use it down there, it feels so good because it's itchy and it feels so good. I know, right? I have stepped up from that

where I do have an old round brush That is in my shower that I take And I do in between there And it is the greatest sensation of all time I don't know I just feel like I should have you ever told anyone that No I don't think so Yeah

It's like you just told a few hundred thousand people It's a crazy sensation Hold on Let's break this down in my bottle It's in the tank Not break it down Let's release some stuff up to imagination Maybe it's not as bad as I'm picturing it right now.

No, it's bad, but think about it. This week is my taint itching. You got to think it's the perfect storm because there's sensitive nerves in the taint area. Very. So on the outskirts, there's got to be residual sensitive nerves that are kind of around there. On top of the fact that you're moving, you're walking,

it's chafing, the skin is dry, which is already just nice. to scratch so that's a perfect storm you were a medical professional like your parents old school though old school jenks all right we got to wrap it so we we barely made it out of college which is always the sign of a true true i mean we made it to i mean with that with a little bit of trip to london i guess it probably 18 uh-huh yeah so we made it to about 18 so you're gonna have to come back and you're gonna have to answer some questions about now which i hope is i don't know it could have gotten worse for all we know i don't think it's great just just

came from a Goo Goo Dolls concert. Yeah. Shrooming. Truman. Boomin. Dude. Was that the only reason you were there? In Kentucky.

Wait. Dog. Bourbon and beyond. Oh, that's right. Were you at your dad's house? No, I don't talk to my dad anymore. All right. No.

Save it. Save it. Save it. Save it. That's what you call a little cliffhanger. A little Marion County Clifthanger. Oh, come on down to the sod farm. Ladies and gentlemen,

100,000 percent garbage. Yeah. I was really. not sure that's crazy she genuinely that's what makes you even more garden that's why kathen blanford everybody you can hear every week at her amazing podcast coastal idiots of course check out her tonight show appearance yeah and i assume tour right now yes tell the folks where you're at i'm going to be in minneapolis lexington kentucky shout out to it uh and Tulsa and everywhere else coming up catharblanford dot com for take it go check her out kippy what do you got for him uh guys

We're on the road as well. All tickets available at RUGarvage.com. We want to see on a road. Catherine, we love you. Thank you so much, guys. This was a hoot. Gang, we love you, and we'll see you next week. Doodles.