Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kelsey Cook: Washington Girl

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by Kelsey Cook. Is a hot one! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage  Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

gang the middle-class famous tour is about to be in full effect come out and see us it's a great way to introduce some new people to the show so grab the homies grab the ladies the birds the bozos everybody and come see us yeah guys we're going to be in Hartford Albany Syracuse Atlanta Tampa Orlando Pittsburgh Buffalo we ain't done yet Detroit Denver Phoenix Salt Lake City check out go then over there to roseman and that's just the first leg of the tour gonna be coming so get the techies we'll see you there welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and

welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage or is a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they grow up to be classy or just a big old piece of trash i'm your host states fully coming at you on a beautiful day we're down here at aunt toady's basement she's upstairs at the kitchen table yeah getting a head start on the taxes okay we're all dependents by the way and if anybody comes by this is actually a pizza place my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the ceo of r u garbage he is an international businessman took a real bath on bitcoin this weekend bon appetit to an hit piece on him next week it's all falling apart give it up per kj kevin james ryan hey gang thanks

for tuning in as always please make sure you rate leave you subscribe over here on itunes full video in 4k i might add available on youtube and as you know those numbers are true to roof cooking baby and then obviously i'm contractually obligated uh by the yam family and all of its subsidiaries to mention the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com slash r u garbage you can sign up you get episodes a yg bonus episodes of hard feelings live streams we just hit our last goal of 2,800 going to disney baby i gotta take the big man to disney on sam yams dime you're gonna get stuck in that cop and have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good one of the big brains behind the r u garbage special you know him you love him

give it up for t-bone mcmuffin tobey mcmullin everybody what up dudes love t-bone i'm excited for a mickey hat and a big soft pretzel oh it's gonna be a good one big turkey legs all around but gang we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time she is an extremely funny extremely successful stand-up comedian actor podcaster and foosball player you have seen her on uproarious this is not happening got them comedy live the tonight show oh boy a little late with lily sing unprotected sets she is the creator in the host of the amazing web series risk of fury she has an album out right now called savior that you can find on itunes spotify pandora and she is also the co-host of the fantastic podcast self-hepless

and she is on tour right now but the big question but he's mine today is she garbage she has a link then account which i think it's pretty fucking pretty she's also out there on the coast which is pretty nice give it up for kelsie cook everybody hey thanks for coming look at that thanks for having me a linked in i was stunned to see that that has not been so stand-up comments and stand up really i think i made that when i was in college like that has not been checked that's like a thing you do when you're like i'm gonna get to that like the facebook page you're like i'm gonna get this off the ground i don't really get the bookings rolling in that's if you're really procrastinating on something and you're like just running out of apps to check notifications on you

will go look at your linkedin and be like what's going on here oh that's the worst when you make the rounds and there's nothing nothing happening find yourself scroll through venmo that's a tough look you're like steve paid 80 bucks for what there's no foot traffic till i don't know what's going on i must be the weather i do that shit all the time that's but that's the thing i'm trying to train myself especially now that we have more interactions on social media i'm trying to train myself to go to instagram check to see if there's any messages respond post something do the same thing on twitter and then and then move away from it and then get the fuck out yeah get the fuck out stick and move yeah i watched a video like a hundred times of a woman in russia dive into a river

and then disappear it's no good for the brain busy day i see pa just took a dark turn were you jerking off to it why are you watching a woman die a hundred times because i because that's something like that scares me it was there was ice and she jumped it and it just disappeared and they tried to save her but they couldn't those russians they they they're survivors those guys they know what they're doing i gotta get on linkedin i gotta clean myself up um tell us what is the backstory here we know about the foosball situation okay but start from starts in the beginning i'm not even sure i know where you're from so i'm from spokane washington okay which feels appropriate for the show because we were the meth capital of america nice now we're talking i'm in i'm here

so yeah it's uh i think it's beautiful there are some some nicer areas now but i mean there are still some some rough parts so was the meth phase going on when you were a kid i think so okay but did you visibly see it i don't i don't particularly remember but i remember i grew up like in the mall you know my dad would take me to the playground in the mall which is playground in the mall yeah like just made of weird kind of plasticky styrofoam that's not good absolutely like across from like you know the jc pennies or whatever it was in the middle of the mall just in the middle of the mall why would he take you there i think it was just so my dad is a musician big tomorrow man loves a nice annie ann's pretzel yeah uh my dad is a trumpet player in the symphony okay um and then

my mom was teaching at night so he would have me during the day and i think it was just kind of like what can i do to entertain this child it's free probably too right yeah playground don't have to worry about the weather i've never even heard of that i've seen the carousel well yeah spokane special in that way it's extra trash was there other kids there was it just you no other kids there yeah bunch of people hanging their laundry yeah i don't think i've ever seen that or heard of it really had the hang in the mall is it tough when you're sitting out there and one of those little benches looking around you're like what am i doing oh yeah you gotta keep it moving that thing was absolute hazmat you know just kids going down with like shitty diapers and then kids

going down it was wider oh there was no pure going around yeah yeah we all have good immune systems i think from the fucking ball bats and all that shit yeah what's the brother and sister situation so i have a brother who is six years younger than me okay i have a step sister and a half brother and they're all younger that just got half brother i got pretty complicated pretty quick you're batting the cycle you got blood brothers i guess you left half brothers and stepbrothers i guess you left that off the linkedin profile broken home broken home you don't want any potential employers say to that says here you have a half brother um break that down for me so my parents divorced when i was six uh remarried they had a kid together my dad and stepmom did okay and my stepmom

already had a kid going into it wow yeah huh i didn't think your parents were divorced sorry what i didn't think your parents were divorced oh yeah yeah you didn't regret the times what are you talking i don't know i got i got i got a vibe that they would that they were solid together because i knew they they played together in a lot right yeah foosball you can't build a solid foundation on table like a journey song gets on a family in the room you know what i mean it's cold hearted little men out there on the field who did you live with so you're six years old yeah so you're six years old it's just you your mom and your dad um and my brother was six months old when your brother had just been born all right so then they get divorced yeah so full brother younger brother

you look like you wanted to say no it's just i get it i got i'm from a very similar situation okay yeah yeah the hair brother is what second kid is what absolutely puts it down the toilet yeah well i i think having okay so your parent you you and your and your brother your parents get divorced that's all right they both get remarried then they both start families that's okay but the stepmom having a kid from a previous marriage he's rolling in the back seat yeah that that's the kid that lives in the garage he's the one that has at the top it's like you're making a real like you're making a car out of junk parts that's what i'm doing how old was he when they got together do you remember so it's actually it's my uh sister my step sister so

she was a year younger than me all right um and then my half brother is like eight years younger than me okay were you close did you guys like blend well i wouldn't say we didn't blend well but i'm not particularly close with them not necessarily with any of my siblings i've gotten closer with my brother but when you have a six-year age gap it's tough but we've gotten closer as we've gotten older okay yeah and who did you live with where did you go um primarily with my mom but i would see my dad as well it was kind of like a 30 minutes apart situation you just get shuttled back and forth right how often was the was it like weekly monthly every other weekend um like every couple days and who got married first how pretty good how quick was that process like when they got to work

they got divorced they come in and tell you yeah and how did they do that did they come in and say i gotta tell you something good news bad news there was uh an affair situation my mom did not remarry my dad married my stepmom so that was that that was quicker that was the very core that was the link dim response right there let me tell you something and that was that very good question mr foley let me tell you why takes a long swig of water she has to picture for some reason yeah all right we're in it now let me tell you why i say it like that now because i have gone on other podcasts and been very open about it all of it comes back and because i don't know i look at my parents like they're not listening to podcasts sure but like they're co-workers to you and then they

come into the you know water cooler and they're like your stepdaughter is she's out there rubbing her mouth rubbing her mouth so now hey Tommy i heard you met her at happy hour yeah so i uh i mean of course yes protect the innocent protect the innocent we're so your father reestablished himself a little bit quicker yes he had a little bit of holy shit that was man that was the holy spin zone yeah my lord he had a he had a little bit of a head start as we'll say all right all right all right all right oh my god all right all right that might not make the final oh that's so good he will be so upset but yeah that's that's funny so it didn't see basically we're at your mom's most the time yeah okay what was that house like was that a single family home

or was that an apartment a condo because it's typically a downgrade so unless she stays in the house you guys were in we moved to um a different house and it was in like she stayed there sorry both both left both left that house um we moved to a smaller town outside of Spokane called Cheney so i mean you could like hand somebody a nickel and a button and they're like here's your house key like it's just it was very very cheap what's the name of the town Cheney Cheney sounds like a pair of pants or something new pair of chinies sounds like a hot new weapon so take two chinies and uh thing oysters yeah it was big like future farmers of america sort of a vibe there's a rodeo yeah you know what that means very small you guys didn't have ffa in school or anything like that no what's

the f4h okay i was in 4h that's 4h oh god yeah well like the boys and girls club no it's more horticulture and stuff involved what's horticulture like farming all that shit yeah yeah we'll talk about it later what the fuck wait what so what did you have were you studying that in school no no no i wasn't into that but that was the vibe of the town i got cows this is a lot of cattle hey who do you have for stables i flunked my mule exam god damn it oh my god yeah most schools in homeok it's like a girl has to carry around a fake baby and learn how to raise it we had like an alpaca for a week you're just like feed this fucking thing yeah so cheney was cheney was interesting but it was just my mom um me and

my brother okay and then my dad's house was like my stepmom and my step sister and half brother so that was a bigger household but yeah i mean it was we were definitely the house in the neighborhood that just always had shit in the yard just like always yeah always toys out always just kind of like that house that left the christmas lights up all year that's not a lot of curb appeal i'm picking trampling in the front yard that kind of shit yeah that's sort of a thing we had um two dogs they were miniature american eskimos and one of them loved us but had a real problem with basically anybody that wasn't us and he got out one time and like bit the mailman on right on the ass just like that i feel like other neighbors were probably not super stoked on sure us all the time

yeah yeah god damn and what was your mom you don't bite somebody especially the mail that's like that's crazy that's like out of a comic book yeah that's usually you got to put it down and that's a whole big thing i know he he escaped through uh through being put down he did not hold by if anybody yes i was here i was home with my kids all night what the fuck he talking about what was your mom doing for work at the time so my mom was actually my high school french teacher oh my god this i thought you were like this yeah this is way more dicey than i anticipated i thought you were a family of learned champions yeah i honestly did i pictured learned champion i pictured like your parents both looking like german skiers or something like that i kind of

pictured that you have a swedish vibe going yes yeah and that your dad wore like everybody's wearing wooden shoes i pictured i pictured your dad like tall with like glasses but built and like him and your mom and they and they were always like they're funny no no very nerdy i mean my dad is my dad is it not only was he like a pro foosball player but he is currently a slam poetry champion like a national slam poetry champion and was a league yes and was an international yo yo man so and is a trumpet player for a living so just weird clown vibe in my home just how to monetize a hobby i'll tell you that somebody get him some devil sticks fucking paper airplane champ of the moon west oh shit yeah okay okay your mom was your french teacher yeah your mom speaks french yes

french and a lot of guessing a lot of shooting in the dark but it's chi chi's washi didn't know what to care just no one's ever going to france she's watching it's just german but nobody knew the difference yeah just play chocola every day for 200 days straight um watch moulin rouge 15 times yeah my mom so she is this weird blend where she my mom is in the hall of fame for foosball which is like the trashest sentence i could have wild also i would have i always thought it was foosball you say foos i say you can say either okay you can say either but so that is hoity toy over here with her foosball i heard you say it on something the other day i think with big j and uh and i was just like oh i'm an idiot i've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time no you can do either okay

so that i do feel like is to conquer something at that level is so cool it to be in the hall of fame i agree i just didn't expect just didn't conquer something like she climbed Everest but i do agree we were talking about it outside it doesn't listen mastering the skill is is crazy it doesn't matter what it is okay that's why i said we're not we're not immediately jumping at a gun right like everybody else like oh foosball you're trash it is an international sport to accomplish something like that is amazing yeah as long as it's not like darts or something like that you know darts is all right darts get no respect they get no respect i mean but i'm sure that these tournaments and all that stuff were out like legitimate play you weren't all doing

these at like a show knees or something like that it wasn't in the game room of a fucking howard johnson they were out like legitimate like you know uh hotels and stuff like that i would assume right most of them it kind of depends on the city sometimes it does get a little bit more garbage depending on where it is but um so not like any of these tournaments ever taken place at a restaurant where they serve food i mean also how naive of you to think they're rolling out the red carpet for the foosball well i thought it would be at like the convention center or something like that sometimes but there's one in portland every year that is really fun to plan but it is held in a bar it's like the portland state championships and so it's the back room of a bar

and there are usually i think six seven tables and they're able to run the tournament off that but if you go to the hall of fame tournament in vegas that is held in one of you know it was in like the flamingo for years there you go yeah and then it's in one of the ballrooms there's not appetizer sampler's going around no yeah yeah there's a ballroom there are usually a hundred tables in there so that those are the bigger tournaments there's a wide range so i'm just gonna ask you this about it yeah when they were competing so they would like take you to these events before you played as a child so you would be in portland at that restaurant on a saturday afternoon watching a foosball

i don't know i'd go back to the playground at the mall yeah that's tough no i loved it because i would play i mean they had me playing when i was two years old and could stand on a stool to see the top of the table like they've had me playing my whole life so i would go compete in the kids events and uh yeah i still have any trophies i have all my trophies in there so most of them are being used for the rissafuri set right now okay okay you guys would love them they are covered in flames like as any good sure it's a very Guy Fieri vibe i mean just lots of flames on the trophies everybody has sunglasses on top of the trophies it's like a foosball that's with like a smiley face in sunglasses so garbage but uh yeah that's i i love all my trophies okay all right all right

but do you have any displayed in your in your home i do outside for people like out in the living room wow wow uh i have a quick one is there a photograph of either of your parents holding a giant check i think yeah there is one of my mom somewhere have you ever received a giant check i haven't gotten a giant check i'm trying to think but this is the most i made in sure these are whose balls a bunch of dirty ones again what are you talking about it's not the masters jesus christ told the big mozzarella stick you're gonna you're gonna gift card to whatever the bar was oh all right take your turn in the claw machine and beat it you get 20 credits on a jam box holy this is so accurate kip let's talk about butcher box baby butcher butcher butcher box i got

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all that kind of stuff this knocks everything out right out of the ballpark i have one one shake a day i have it in the morning and when i go to the gym when i do my gym days i bring that with me and i have that throughout the workout i'm telling you it sustains me yeah it's like a super duper multivitamin it's fantastic it's lifestyle friendly whether you uh keto paleo vegan dairy free gluten free the whole nine yards contains uh less than one gram of sugar no gmo's no nasty chemicals or artificial anything while still tasting good um athletic greens is climate neutral certified company there you go yeah take that put that in the bank there you go uh athletic greens has over seven thousand five star reviews recommended by professional athletes everybody's

using it everybody's using it right now it's time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with convenient daily nutrition especially heading into flu and cold season it's just one scoop in water every day that's it no need for a million different pills supplements you're not looking like an idiot easy peasy but they said they send you the thing the container to shake it up in yeah it's a cool little container the container that you stored in is this nice metal container and what i got they sent us some on the go packets too so if you got to put it in a bottle of water you can throw in a bottle of water and you're out the door easy peasy out the door athletic greens is going to give you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin d and five

free travel packs with your first purchase all you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com slash garbage again that's athleticgreens.com slash garbage to take ownership of your health and pick up your ultimate daily nutritional insurance do it not back to that show yeah they do have the big checks but they are for if you win open singles or open doubles so the main events if you win those and you're walking away with thousands of dollars you will get a big check so by the time uh so you're sick so about the time of the divorce had this started to teeter off or were you starting to do this more and more at six um like was your mom's career winding okay wait i said that was your mom's career winding down so because she taught full time

she was my high school's french and german teacher oh wow she has her masters in french literature she's very like the fact that she has all that all right here we go she is learning now where'd she go to school so she went to um she teaches you university of oregon for her masters okay all right university of oregon for her masters okay she speaks french she speaks german yeah that's pretty good yeah she's amazing do you speak any any other languages so french but not fluently i used to speak it a little bit better but i i minored it in it in college and then after college okay where'd you go to college um i did my freshman year at willamette university which is a small private one in oregon and then felt just like it was not enough of a

college experience it just felt like high school kind of so i transferred to washington state university for the rest of the time and just destroyed my liver uh which was amazing yeah shout out to it but the i'm sorry the small school wasn't for academic purposes that you had to go there before you could transfer anything right no i um i got a lot of scholarships to that university and it kind of made sense or why what are we talking like yeah well there are other you like for academics okay yeah all right but um i don't know it seemed like a good fit at the time i was also kind of my high school boyfriend and i were kind of following each other which is always a giant mistake we broke up within like six months of course of course uh but at the time it felt like

that's what i wanted to do was to go somewhere that was a little bit out of my comfort zone and and it was a great school i'm i would be a smarter person if i had stayed i would know way more than i did by going to wcu but sure wouldn't have to make a beer funnel though you're god damn right what uh what'd you get on your sat's that's a big one on the show fuck was it still out of 1600 then probably yeah you think you're like my age how old are you kind of you're not no i'm 32 yeah so oh i might have just changed because it went from 1600 to 24 right yeah i took it at 16 but then it went back to 1600 what'd you get i remember i i can't remember that one but i remember for the act isn't 21 the highest score i think i got a 19 on that one

really what was your gpa i graduated like 12th highest in my class how many kids were in the class yeah i think that 300 or something that's pretty good it's pretty good i didn't realize you were gonna that's somebody i was not expected to talk about this i'm sitting here like at least nitty gritty yeah act is out of 36 and you got a 19 that's not good yikes i swear i was out of 21 they would have changed that too when they changed or who knows what they do out there in this backwoods time whatever it was it was like a few points under the top okay but so you're smart yeah sure i'm not holding it against you i'm also very i'm also a learned man i guess i mean it's all relative but it's fucked up in the world of comedians you're smart

i guess yeah i don't know i i would i'm telling you you're smart if you got an any academic money to go to a college you're doing all right but i think there's so many there's so many comedians who are brilliant on stage and are so fast but maybe didn't do that well in school yeah i'm sitting next to me it's one of the it's one of the quickest guys i've ever seen in my life stand a nice tester rig what do you want from me i had a dd i didn't diagnose till college i then took all of his riddling in one day yeah shot the new year's eve oh yeah they prescribed me riddling and it was right at the break and we went up to penn state for new year's eve and i had it with me in my shaving kit like i'm supposed to and i came back and there was none of it and they were like

you know you're not getting that it did a barbersaw too i'm one and done with this guy yeah um okay all right all right all right all right all right all right this i gotta be honest there's another one i was like i said i thought you were a more whole like i didn't realize there was uh some dirt under the fingernails did you get any trouble at college at washington state no i will say i'm a pretty i'm a pretty big square when it comes to that stuff i'm very afraid of breaking rules or whatever when i was telling you about that playground in the mall i used to go up to boys that were far older than me much bigger and if they were climbing up this slide i would go up to them and be like you can't do that like my dad would catch me when i was really a real bummer

real bummer at slumber parties but you were boozing at school i was boozing pretty hard at school yeah okay you still booze yes okay but i didn't start i did get a fake id that was probably the most like so i could vote register democrat it was a seminar i really wanted to give you that was probably the first thing i ever did that felt like oh this is like i could get in trouble if yeah that's pretty bad yeah that's i mean what it's not that i never had a fake id really i used my brothers that's a fake id you idiot that's not you i had one made yeah it's been a hundred bucks yeah i wouldn't made yeah what state was it texas wow memorize the address i had to have my mom take the picture of me oh my god because i needed it by picture taken

in front of a white background yeah did she know what it was for she did uh yeah well she's like i'm like hey i just came home with it i was trying to do this but i couldn't get like you have a big texas mustache it's a selfie oh my god oh no no she was like what do you i'm like you gotta take my picture in front of a white background she's like why i'm like we're making a powerpoint for school or something she's like no you're not oh my god whatever what were the vacations like as a kid let's say post divorce so well hold on i'm sorry do you might ask how long did you think your mom to get remarried she didn't she never did okay so it was okay so that was it was always her house and that was it

yeah um a lot of our vacations after the divorce had to do with foosball like it would be a on both sides no my dad stopped competing um we would do weird family road trips but like that's what we want where so we're gonna see like you know a big potato or something yoyo hall of fame it would be like to visit my great grandma and she would sometimes give us tuna sandwiches that like we were pretty sure she like as she got older we were like i think she opened kind of cat food and didn't realize it like she was like that what are you talking about would you eat it i remember eating and being like this isn't tuna like weird not good oh my god i'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight or just a tuna sandwich that where she wouldn't drain it would just be so

wet just like sopping wet tuna listen i think tuna we should stop with the tuna yeah knock it off tuna steaks maybe holy shit yeah oh god you're eating cat food what the you should have not totally possible it's i was young but i do remember thinking this seems like it seems off yeah i was i would do my favorite snack growing up was wonder bread with just mayo on it that was your favorite snack that's my favorite it's his now still going strong wanted to ask you about the mayonnaise situation he literally does have i'm not lying he's just as mayo mayo was it was it helman's or maybe duke's out there or was it miracle whip it wasn't miracle whip okay helman's nice yeah yeah so you think miracle

whip is gross yes okay mom speaks two languages mom speak two languages we got the miracle whip taking care of miracle whip is it's sweet yeah don't like it doesn't grow right yeah it's not right yeah yeah okay um did you make your lunch growing up or did you buy it at school my mom uh bless her she would try to make me good like pack me a good one food right and she i would open my lunchbox this would probably be like third fourth grade i'd look at my lunchbox compared to other kids and other kids would have like a sandwich and an apple and stuff like that i would have like fruit snacks fruit gushers fruit roll up her she's bar apple and then maybe like a bagel or something and i would pay at home and i would be like i i feel like i'm supposed to have other

stuff in here like i feel like this isn't good even that that age i was feeling like this is going to be bad for me later really and she was like it's fruit snacks it has it's fruit that was the 90s though for sure it's fruit juice gushers we knew better there but i mean they were i would i'd get an occasional lunchable i i fucked with lunchables but i after oh yeah that cold that cold pizza why did i do that to myself i was never a fan ask them to heat it up for you at least i know just access get access to the cafeteria microwave like a psychopath your mom didn't work at the school you didn't have an in true um did you would you drive to high school with your mom or like would you take the butt or did you drive we lived really like within

walking distance do you walk to school you're a walker i could walk once i got my driver's license i would drive not a good look walking to school no living too close to the high school ain't great either yeah that's bad it's weird yeah man you see a lot of school buses driving by what was the first car i had a chevy cavalier not fused obviously my mom gave it to me i will say that was like a nice privilege thing she's like you can have this i'm gonna get a new car what color was it tan she put any aftermarket effects into it did you do anything to it nausea no she slowed it down i don't want to be tempted to go over the speed limit put a governor on it can you can you lower the horsepower on this thing yeah no i didn't do anything more rear view mirrors put in extra

okay okay um a couple of cues here okay you drink yes if you go to a restaurant and you order a bottle of wine you don't finish it will you take it home so i'm deathly allergic to wine so i can't drink wine what are you allergic to grapes soul fights soul fights that's weird i don't even know they were in there it sounds like they're in a bunch of stuff too not just wine that sounds like a star trek alien soul fights are attacking are you allergic to anything else so many things yeah i don't think it just starts and stops it's soul fights give us the rundown latex really so that's my the whole story i did on this is not happening on common central is about uh finding out i was allergic to latex because i tried the

heat of the moment well worse i the first time i tried masturbating i used this like manicure tool thing that was made of rubber latex and um i had to go to the hospital i thought you're gonna say you put on gloves or something yikes bro can't catch a break how old were you uh like 32 just last night how old were you it was a high school it's like about halfway through high school and is this during the day is this at night this was i came home from school my mom hadn't come home yet uh-huh all my all my friends had lost their virginity and i hadn't yet and i just it's that big fomo feeling in high school where you feel left out of the conversation and i just wanted to

know what it felt like so that i could kind of get what they were talking about so i this manicure tool it was shaped like a dick there's no way these people put this out there and didn't think it's gonna go in holes like it's it was tapered it was this whole thing and so i get in it i think it was more likely you were doing your nails with the dildo okay so it's after school yeah so you do your thing how quick does the reaction set in immediate and how bad is the reaction everything's well shut well shut down there yeah what about like get this thing started well foreplay yeah wait i heard they like this and what does it burn like is he getting hives and stuff like that are you going into like what's it shocked no i didn't

go into anaphylactic shock but so what's the step what do you what do you go to your mom yeah so she had come home at that point and you're freaking out do you tell her absolutely freaking out i looked at it with a mirror and the hole was gone my life flashed before my eyes this was like my first ever foray into sex anything and this is the first you know what i mean of course of course and this is what happened i was hot it's making me fucking traumatized i swear it's making me you guys are gonna like hide your pens and hide the water balls you're like we can't trust her with anything uh so yeah i had to go tell my mom i had nothing prepared i just it was a lot of like i would have been like i fell on the manicure thing in my underwear yeah but i couldn't yeah i couldn't

it was like i was just using asl like i was just doing like a lot of hand motions to try to describe what i did because it was so embarrassing to actually hold on at the time you don't know that it's a that it's an allergic reaction i think it's gone i told you you dumb bitch all right yeah so you tell your mom hey we gotta go to the emergency room yeah and uh so she took me and they looked and it was this whole horde i because she needs this tiny town so i went to the family doctor this like christian man and barbershop yeah he called volunteer fireman to show up with the jaws of life holy shit so you went to a day you didn't even go to like an er you went to a doctor it was like

the emergency walk-in clinic okay and um it was uh yeah my this man sweet man in his 60s very christian oh my god very like steve from blues clues energy just what do we have here no is that a closed vagina where's the hole on this thing someone's been into the men the pedicure equipment again i see all right uh yikes damn so you didn't have you guys asked about how did you did you have to explain did you have to because i mean you don't really have to say hey it doesn't matter how we got here yeah we're here yeah we're here right here i would have to confess yeah damn because nobody i i got there and i had basically a panic attack because the nurse was like my little brother's best friend's mom and i just was i was like everybody in my town is going to find out

about this and so as i was trying to explain it to her i just got out from the story you control the narrative rule number one get your hands on it first first thing i want to say is i'm suing that company all right before we get to get down why listen yeah jesus yeah so i was hyperventilating i think they gave me like a valium okay now you're on drugs i'm on drugs and um i just calmly explain to him what you were doing what happened and i couldn't have picked a worse object because nobody he was like you don't have to bring it with you did you know oh my god oh it's in a bag your honor exhibit eight god um is he in the courtroom today that's him right there yeah nobody knew what a manicure tool was so i would tell them and then they'd be like

oh yeah we still we don't know because they were trying to figure out what was wrong with you yeah okay you can't just look at somebody that's allergic to latex and say that's a latex allergy well i didn't bring it in so they didn't know they didn't know anything you're just flying blind here they just thought it i've yeah made it angry like i just upset it it was uh yeah what else what other what are their allergies what do you find out how i found that i was allergic to peanuts you're not gonna believe it what else are you allergic to peanuts so i was shoving them on my hands so i get back from third grade when a southwest flight pop it in the bathroom

you gotta give me a bag of peanuts on the airplane it's a peanut enema um yeah peanuts uh just a bunch of random shit okay yeah yeah but you're we went so far off that you were asking about wine yeah is there like an equivalent question well what are you what you're going to drink usually tea dos and soda nice classy but i've been doing tequila more lately now it's going to tequila soda okay that's cool yeah you have a brand for tequila the ecos amigos gal yeah shout out the cloney hell yeah kids all right kid does all right your parents drink yes what do they drink all right my dad also loves tequila and bourbon my mom loves a corona all right xl yeah

i'm too shabby was any movies ever filmed in your hometown um that's like the claim to fame you know benny and june very old johnny depth yep of course i was in spokane all right i'm trying to think what else there was like a christian slater cuba goody jr movie that i was supposed to be the uh the weather woman in recently or the the news reporter no this was when i was in college and i got the role and they took it from me because the news station that they were going to use to film it out they were like if you're going to use our station you have to use our anchor damn robbed me of that god damn i am db hardcore hollywood small town politics but i think that's mostly it no athletes from your from your hometown other than your mom and dad

um john stockton he's in the news he is in the news recently we're not super proud of him right now god damn it john stockton he's gonna lay off the pay order yeah get your shit together pull back from fox news a little bit johnny huh yeah oh stockton but yeah i mean so we have gone to aga which is like our big right right right okay big thing um anyone in your family smoke a pipe no okay um growing up did you get any mail for anybody at your house that didn't live there cousins or anything like that anybody registered to your address no for any reason no what about now no okay any guys have ponytails in your family not in my family but all these questions apply to foosball players like the foosball community it's just a disaster of all of this not a full set of

teeth in the house you know in your in your opinion how many pringles is it acceptable to eat at the same time in one bite how many pringles in one bite in one bite how many pringles because nobody really does just one pringle at a time i i could do like four or five four or five i would say the classy answer would be three anything more than that the crumbs become an issue very close crackling very messy the classy answer is two two is the limit of pringles that one should have in their mouth try we do have pringles right there they are so old those are over a year old do not they are we bought them the day we got the studio i don't think i would pringles don't go bad pringles go bad okay now we're doing science now i'm in tomy get my laptop i haven't had a pringle in years but i

think like back in the day i would i would maybe do four if i wanted to i think i would mostly do one do you run a tight ship eating wise you're in good you're you're healthy in good shape do you yeah yeah i think i'm kind of forced to because of the allergies and weird dietary shit it's like there's not much left what about fast food do you eat fast food ever i love in and out burgers but i can't like i don't do i mean taco bell is just i have ibs to be an instant you have ibs too jesus christ a lemon over here said this one back to the factory worse than the canry holy shit god damn shitload of allergies and ibs yep yikes um have you ever ridden a mechanical bull yes did i did i ride one at saddle ranch that's saddle what saddle ranch it's that super touristy

bar on sunset strip in la did i i think i have sun you can do it there it's one in the lobby that's true i think i think i have once okay growing up got to eat with your family was there a popular dish in the town that everybody got like you would go to like luke's and everybody got the lemon chicken or something like that not really we didn't have a ton of restaurants in shini would you go out to dinner with your mom or your dad's family yeah we would but it was kind i mean there was like red robin and okay stuff like that all right uh my stepmom would make a dip i just wonder if this is only in our area have you guys heard of eggs a la goldenrod this is this is what i'm looking for yeah this is what

here we go golden rod eggs a la golden rod four hard-cooked eggs two tablespoons butter all right let's see those mashed potatoes i don't know what it is so what is it so you toast bread and then you make this creamy sauce that has the egg whites in it but like hard boiled egg whites and then you take the yolks out and almost shred them and you put them on top i know it sounds really it's so fucking good but it's it looks great yeah it looks great it looks all right it is a little trashy if it was potatoes i could see but martha stored has her own eggs golden rod recipe and she's classy yeah my i mean minus the jail time it's like a deviled egg sandwich it's kind of like a deviled egg yes

deconstructed dinner dish my deconstructed that's true for sure we had four kids in that household with my dad and stepmom so they were and they were both on a budget so that's a very cost-effective dish it's like bread and eggs yeah that'd be breakfast or would that be dinner all of the above really yeah mm-hmm yeah wowzer wowzer wowzer what was the local pizza place where would you guys get your pizza from on friday nights oh boy rosa's pizza which was also a bowling alley oh nice best ranch ever best ranch best ranch having the having a best ranch place mm-hmm okay yeah real thick great mayo-y ranch homemade best yes made it right there in the bowling alley right there in the point probably put some of that spray from the shoes

that was a secret ingredient a little lacquer on that thing oh goes down smooth yeah be a chew ice no really okay interesting what would you say the credit score is i have actually really good credit score really good credit yeah almost 800 really mm-hmm credit cards mm-hmm about how many you got i think maybe like eight what eight credit cards yeah running balances or no some of it so it's like Nordstrom where maybe i'll buy something a few times a year on it but then there are a couple that i use primarily and i just Nordstrom rack hey what about you got an

amix mm-hmm nice i just got that though really that's new because now with touring more everybody's like you gotta do delta yeah delta through amix is the way to go yeah so that's what i'm doing now okay but capital one card yes what's the limit 15 thousand dollars yeah holy shit you can buy all the eggs golden rod you want holy cow 15 grand that's pretty good god damn the richest person i've ever met my wife you have a fucking comic i'm just like you guys i just this i've been doing comedy for 12 years getting an agent this past year i'm getting a tour setup it's the first time that i've ever financially been like oh oh i'm okay you don't have a gun to your head of course yeah well yeah

but like i'm not no no yeah of course foosball family i don't come from money no also for the love of god i think i'd be doing this shit if i came from money foosball royalty yeah i'm just like everybody else folks that's not happening okay okay not one of those bumper pull yeah was there was there beef with like ping pong players and shit do foosball players look down on other table games after like a nice match or hanging around having beers being like you see those fucking whatever and have you ever gone to europe to play i haven't gone to europe to play but my mom and my brother have because the world your brother's in it too that's worse than

everybody ordering the same thing at the restaurant you're all playing foosball he's got a champion he doesn't have a choice this game he was born into royalty he was he could he'd fucking throw it all away and work at his dollars who else plays um just me my brother and my mom just everybody just everybody just my entire family the step sister nothing like that your brother plays and he's six years he's in his prime right yeah he doesn't go compete anymore but he played in the world cup in the junior division he was really good at me he's still really good but yeah yeah damn what else does he do what does he do no he just works in finance he's like the one one person our family that was like i'm not doing the circus

life okay the rest of us did yeah does he still let is he out there and spoke in he's in Idaho Idaho financial capital the there is a lot of stuff actually yeah not a corporation is no buffets in Nebraska i know this cordilline's got a lot of money cordilline is the city in Idaho okay yeah but who's got it with some european foosball that's cordilline he did pretty well back in the day he's got like a lot of endorsement money golden hair yeah yeah so that's my brother okay huh hmm uh anyone in your family ever rented a storage unit oh lord yeah oh god really when you were a kid my no but in more recent years my mom is definitely a big hoarder she's just from i think

it's our parents generation that just sure they they love to hold on to what's in the store is there more than one unit love a vhs no one but it is jam packed yeah she oh go ahead no please i'm sorry oh she's kept every piece of schoolwork i've ever done and like just one of those things which is very sweet but unnecessary no it was right when we moved to the philadelphia area moved into a smaller house and i remember one saturday my dad we went to look at one because my dad was thinking about getting one and i remember i knew then i was probably like 11 or 12 and i started balling crying because i i was like we're losing our house we're gonna have to live in here yeah dude i didn't like it i'm going there when you're a kid that's

we're at the gate then you drive around and yeah i i even worse remember uh when that show what was it storage hunters storage storage wars top shelf programming i may or may not have attended an auction shut the fuck up well in my defense it was right across from my office and they were out there hooting and hollering you know kippy's been heavy when he saw that weed whacker his eyes burned up selling artificial christmas tree uh and i was just like maybe i'll go just see what it's that's that show was booming that shows trash because first of all none of those numbers those dickheads just fucking make everything in there he's like i got a bottle of water i got 25 bucks of that fucking boom and they're adding shit up let me let me give me an account in here

i know kippy's just on a smoke break looking to drive the price up that's kind of what i was doing i was out there smoking and they'd be right there yes okay 50 250 i'm like let me do it you know i kept getting closer and closer till i was right at the fence oh my god and i did pop in i didn't you know obviously didn't have the funds on me so i'm ready i couldn't partake i'm gonna run out to the car right you guys a check real quick gonna splurge on that leg lamp hey that's that's a collector's item don't you speak ill i can look and set up caps in there you know what else is in my mom's storage you and i just remembered are all of the beanie babies oh she still has hundreds did you guys watch the beanie

mania documentary i did it no i lived it what did i say absolutely i was in it did it rock your family financially no we never i never really bought i never really bought into them but they were like it was the hottest thing for like a fucking two year or whatever it was did it did beanie baby did it rock your financially just bottom because especially if you go back and watch that documentary they would release beanie babies in these very small quantities and then it would drive the price up for other people and make it like oh these are gonna be worth so much someday so my mom was spending like hundreds of dollars sometimes on beanie it just brainwashed you guys would go out and go out and you'd look for beanie babies yeah and then when they went to mcdonald's and they were like the

teeny beanies the mcdonald's happy meal toys we would just eat at mcdonald's over and over that week to collect all of them and then they become christmas ornaments like that is pretty bad happy meal toys on the tree this is a sick twisted tale we had i had a beanie baby cookbook do you remember how people just eat the beanie babies what the fuck people were learning how to make as much money as they could with every offshoot sure there were beanie baby calendars whatever everything so some woman in the midwest probably named like trish or tabitha just made the beanie baby cookbook which were just like polaroid photos poorly taken photos of dishes with a beanie baby just like plopped up next to the plate and it'd be like cheese or whatever and i we had all that shit yikes yeah

and now it's in the ground so none of those are worth anything now no because i missed that whole crazy yeah no when i was a kid when i was a kid it was cabbage patch kids okay that was big too they viewed as collect they were just viewed as like a hot gift yeah kids just one of them these were viewed as like fucking cash out the 401k absolutely there's a guy in the documentary that's like i'm gonna be putting my kids through college with this in 20 years and i just can't wait i mean it was genuinely what people thought was gonna happen did was she big into the state quarters as well did you go out the state quarters absolutely hanging up on my mom's bedroom wall was the map full full yeah hanging up on her bedroom wall bedroom wall map quarters in each state

yep it's wild you didn't get remarried my mom's the best of course sounds like a sweet woman she's the best yeah i love it yeah jesus beanie babies how are you at beer pong does the foosball translated all of that the hand i coordination has to because i've seen videos of you playing it's bananas thank you it's like it's it's like fucking terminator style thanks i'm okay at beer pong i would not say i'm like great at it but if you that hand i coordination i think does translate to a lot of things so yeah foosball's just very specific well we can't help where we come from that's the past what about now let's i want to know all right yeah the apartment now um what's the sleeping situation do you sleep with a fan directly on you no how many pillows or how many

pillows are on the bed and how many pillows do you use at night there are four pillows on the bed i use one one pillow mm-hmm just under your head that's it better for your neck do you sleep on your back i have been trying to train myself to sleep on my back but i still wake up on my side okay and you don't use the pillow between your legs or holding one or anything no but i've i just started seeing a chiropractor and she said that i should be doing the pillow between the legs or the pillow underneath your knees if you're on your back to try to keep your hips in alignment that's pretty classy what size bed you got king or queen queen not bad not bad not bad okay uh do you have a working printer at the apartment no i don't i don't know an answering machine what year

is this do you have a landline what the fuck do you have a beeper what page do you want to be the best number yeah none of that okay what's the stove situation electric or gas electric electric stove with the with the wires the coils mm-hmm full-size fridge mm-hmm okay okay do you buy scented trash bags yes do you have a britta uh yes not bad which one is it the old one the picture or the thing that goes in and out of the fridge like the what is the spout it's uh well i guess you know i used to have the britta but now it's the fridge has the filter nice wait what do you mean the fridge has the filter your refrigerator has ice and and thing yeah okay okay like everybody outside new york only new yorkers don't have

really yeah it's not a new york thing for some reason yeah dp in the shower yes you do i have a whole bit on this i don't think we've ever asked a female that i didn't know they could to be honest that just blew my fucking mind did you hear how fast i answered that like i was on fucking family feud i buzzed in i was like yes that's a whole a whole bit i do on stage yeah brush your teeth in the shower no too busy being too busy yeah i mean how much time you got a day and multitask um have you ever been ghost hunting no okay do you floss every day yes every day mm-hmm pretty class do you still have any your baby teeth no okay any wisdom teeth no have you any member of your family ever been attacked by a wild animal

any circumstances camping no but i love the ducks no nothing no i don't think so did you guys ever bring an animal from outside into the house and try to raise it my mom is a big raccoon lady oh my god so what does that even mean she just has a big heart she just loves to hang i have told her funny i come from possum people a big raccoon lady they just she thinks they're cute she thinks they're cute okay they are you bring them in the house no thank god but she'll get she's gotten very close to them in proximity she puts dry cat food out i think you meant emotionally it's a bond she has names for them but yeah she puts out cat food she just it breaks her heart to think of them getting

either starving in the winter or getting trapped and taken so she just she feeds them and she loves them but i've told her i was like you they're supposed to do that yeah like you shouldn't like that they absolutely do not i mean they could have rabies or yep they don't starve their animals they're out there they're mean i know i know i just tell it you the information i'm putting it in your hands to make your decisions do you think she likes them because they're the animal most likely to play foosball the only animal that can play foosball it's thumbs she's out and out of goalie she needs to start training i think i just got a couple more

generate your name in wet cement no okay these questions you guys are so good do you use the instant transfer on venmo i'm gonna say no no i do standard yeah i imagine you're pretty responsible she's conservative yeah that's i mean that $15,000 that's how you get it you don't even have to come for money to have a big credit limit you're just conservative yeah yeah was there ever a you know the first big somewhat payday in comedy okay and did you go out and buy something real stupid um it's actually you know what the the one that i'm most excited about is coming up it's one of the gigs i have and that one i feel like i've preemptively spent it spent a little bit of it on um like uh skincare laser facial stuff okay yeah you're gonna go get some

treatment done yeah it's i've already had i'm like halfway through it but it just makes your skin better how much even how much is the treatment do you feel comfortable saying i mean over five thousand no less less than that okay over two around yeah it's not that bad yeah how many treatments do you get out of that three okay it's not like you bought a jet ski or anything it's like 700 bucks a treatment that's not too bad yeah okay that's okay i did not know that we were gonna talk about this um oh my god can you say with certainty that everyone in your family has seen the Sopranos i haven't seen the Sopranos you haven't seen this it's trash you're kidding me it took you that long to get to that he made his mother's raccoon walked in in this

fucking jacket i mean you're worried about the fucking Sopranos uh if you're at the supermarket will you get in the express lane with too many items i can't foresee you doing that okay what is telling on somebody that did playground narkin of that manager uh those grapes have to go back how do you guys feel about cans of cat food like if i'm buying 10 cans of cat food hold on do you have a cat i have two okay good so would you say 10 cans of cat food are 10 individual items listen i used to be yes of course oh wow but i don't pay 10 listen i don't give a fuck about the express lane i'm going in no matter what i got cat food's different if it's the same thing because if you can go like 10

if you can scan the one you go times 10 that's done okay i mean you you're looking for backup to go to the express lane take as many cans of cat food as you want okay yeah that's okay that's okay okay that's all right and you never want to be that asshole that's like god are the people behind me thinking that they are they are let me be clear they are but yeah i don't know yeah fuck them this is my last question okay what are the names of the cats uh oh boy this is gonna do it so bungalow which is just a name i made up because i liked i like blue from jungle book and i just like the word bungalow and i put them together and i didn't realize that bung is slang for like asshole like bunghole so that's that and then mia from pulp fiction mia wallace yeah it's not that bad what was

the name of the dogs again growing up sugar and rascal oh that'll do it that'll do it rascal rascal rascal someone that bit the ass do you do you know any of the names of the raccoons that your mom named oh i forget i forget but they were very raccoonie very raccoonie very yeah yeah buddy 100 trash yeah wow i got excited and then i realized what you were saying and it's like because you make it you make us feel like we want or something like you did it no but then you're like oh no you've been plagued with it for the rest of your life actually generationally i would assume you're going to inherit a shitload of beanie babies and have to fight the raccoons when they're going through the estate sale those raccoons are going to claim something i'm sure

squatters right something taking all my mom's trophies hey listen she can have the beanie babies i'm taking the trophies i gotta split the storage unit with mr marbles god damn it ladies and gentlemen calcy cook what do you got coming up what do you want the folks to know we know you're on tour right now you're doing the hustler tour the hustler tour all over yeah so um i'm at summit comedy club in fort Wayne indiana valentine's weekend nice i'll be at the heartford funny bone at the end of february syracuse funny bone beginning of march acme comedy club march 9th through 12th uh laugh boston the weekend after that for wait no i'm sorry i'm in chicago i'm in chicago okay chicago for st patty's weekend and then it's just it's like almost every weekend for the next five months

and then others throughout the end of the year so that's awesome that's awesome congratulations on a hundred percent congratulations i'm sure everybody out there knows you kels but if they don't guys you got to go see her she's an absolute murderer absolutely fantastic thanks thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us being so open and honest that's great the latex thing that's something else i forgot about that the latex of the raccoons man yikes um not to mention grandma's recipes pretty gross kibby what do you got what was grandma's the cat food oh yeah it's like an onion uh if you guys thanks for tuning in check out our dates the link is in the description for all of our live shows coming up we're adding middle class famous tour baby uh and then also

at camera and comedy on all social media check out the patreon the whole nine yards is the special do everything thanks watch the special we love you we'll see you next week