Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kevin Heffernan!

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by the legendary Kevin Heffernan! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Promo Code: AYG Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Check your six gang, the state trashy tour is rolling along, we're coming to a city near you, little AYG with the crab plus a nice stand-up comedy show, grab the squad and come out and see us. Yeah, next stop is Tampa, Florida, second show added, low ticket alert there, get them baby, then we're going to Danny Beach, Florida, Raleigh, North Carolina, Louisville, Kentucky, Cleveland, Ohio, then rounding out in Columbus, Ohio, we're out of more cities, get those techies. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast, this is

Are You Garbage. Oh yeah, it's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that they have to grew it to be classy. If they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day, we're back here at Antutti's in a new edition baby. She's living high on the hog, just had a jacuzzi put upstairs in the bedroom. So it's going to get a little freaky up there on a weeknight's table and don't go peeking in the room. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage, he's an international businessman, he's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan everybody. Hey what's up gang, thanks for tuning in. As always please make sure you rate,

view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. Cooking and then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. Check it out gang, it's a party over there. Oh sweet lord, love that money and have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire. The Magic Man makes us all look good, works the ones, works the twos, the threes and the fours, crosses the T's and dots the I's. Now you can get a little peek at them ladies but no touching. Give it up for T-Bone McScroffins, Toby McMullen everybody. There he is. Man talk about a guy who laid the foundation of my like comedy life. Oh man, the tits and super troopers changed my life. Really? Okay, I'll give you the

edited, the editing room floor material. Kevin's final count. Go to town. Gang, the long hair ain't lying man, we're ecstatic. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very talented, very successful actor, writer, producer, comedian, director. You may have seen him in but not limited to. He got puddle cruiser, no looking back, big helium dog, arrested development, sky high, the lather effect, curb your enthusiasm, how I met your mother, strange wilderness, the baby makers, deep animal practice, freeloaders, workaholics, agent Carter, the Goldbergs, airplane mode, scoop, the fairly odd parents, the duke's a hazard and of course he is one of the members of the

legendary broken lizard and has starred in super troopers, super troopers too, club dread, beer fest, Tacoma FD, the slammin' salmon and he has a brand new movie out right now on Hulu that you gotta check out called Quasi but the big question in my mind today is he garbage? First thing you said when he walked in is can I use the pisser? That's pretty good. That's pretty good. The legendary Kevin Heverton everybody. Thank you. Can I use the pisser? Let me get the pisser kid. Let me get the pisser. Shake my hand, I gotta take a dump kid. Excuse me. Wow, that was a lot of intro man, thank you very much. Buddy, you're a worker man. I guess it's true. It just means I'm old. No. Been around for a while. Killing it. Doing alright. He's right, man. I mean, I want to

kiss your ass. You don't want a fanboy out. Dude, fucking super troopers man. Sure. Fucking started it all. Yeah. Forget about it. Many years ago. It was great. Yeah. That was one of the ones where somebody put their hands on a DVD and you were like, oh, don't fuck with it. I got it from my older brother. Yeah, that's what nobody like went and saw in the theater. People like watch it in dorm rooms or pass around DVDs. And then DVDs disappeared. And then we were fucked. I probably still have the super troopers DVD on my mind. People come to our live shows and they'll show up with the VHS tape. You know what I mean? I said you sign it and you're like, what the fuck is that? And also like the T-bon said, I don't only get too risque, but that pulling over the German couple

scene. That's why I married a German girl because of that. Oh my god, now things are getting kinky. Yes. Wow. Okay. I think that was the first time we shot nudity. We didn't even know how to fucking do it. You did it. You guys are all standing around. Sunglasses on. I know. I think it was like the end of the day. Like we were totally fucking up and the sun was going down. We had like 20 minutes, you know, take off your shirt. And then you feel like a porn director. You're over there smoking a cigarette or something. Give us the backstory on Kevin Heffernan. Yeah, man. We know you're a Connecticut guy. I'm a Connecticut-Cutian. Cool. Yeah. Give us the whole story. I'm from West Haven, Connecticut, which is west of New Haven. Okay. And yeah, I grew up there. How was it?

What do you, would you say parents both work? What are we doing? Yeah. Well, no, mom was, at least in my day, she was a stay at home mom. Okay. And dad was a lawyer. All right. And so, yeah, so he worked in West Haven as a lawyer and mom was the mom. What kind of law was he practicing? He did a little bit of everything. You know, he was kind of like the local town lawyers. He needed some help. You know, my cousin gets in jail. He goes to get some out of jail. Respect that. Yeah. So a little bit of everything. Ronnie, let my idiot nephew out of there right now. Hey, Uncle Mike, can you get me out of prison? So there's some of that. But you know, and you know, pretty normal middle class. Single family home? Single family home.

Brothers and sisters? One older brother. Okay. One younger sister and then another younger brother. Nice. Yeah. All right. So three siblings. Uh-huh. Not too shabby kind of standard American upper. The sister still lives in the hometown, you know, with the parents. Very nice. With her family and you know, your parents still live in the same home that you grew up in. Still live in the same home. I'm going to go up there this weekend. Nice. Yeah. Now, one of the things we like to ask, since they still live in the house, we don't want to give away the street. Yeah. But is it a street, an avenue, a way, a drawer? A lane. It's a street. Street. It's a street. It's a dead end street. Like it's a dead end. Is it like a nice dead end or a rough dead end?

It's, I think it's kind of a nice dead end. It's by the Long Island Sound. Down by the water. A little bit of water. Or was you saying, can I get the water? The water. Would you swim in the Long Island Sound as a kid? I did. Yeah. I don't know if that's, if you're allowed to. I'm not sure. Yeah. Nobody ever gives you a clear answer whenever we ask. They're like, we did, but I don't know if we were allowed. But I grew up swimming there and I don't have any cancers. And it was right there in the backyard? Right there. Yeah. Right there outside the house. You guys have a pool to house? No. They do now. Okay. Above ground. Yeah. That's not great. That's what I'm talking about. That is the worst of the two options. Okay. Okay. But that's what they have

now. So when I grew up, there was no pool. Okay. I didn't have anything to do with that. That's all right. What they did after I left is their fault. However, they want to bring the property value down. It's up to them. I have to deal with it when they're dead and I sell the house and I lose money on it. You want to take the joint? Go ahead. That's good. What was the grocery store that your mom would go to growing up? We had Stop & Shop. Stop & Shop. Stop & Shop. Yeah. I think it was Stop & Shop. That's all right. And then it turned into like an Ames or something. Yeah. Uh-huh. That makes sense. That's legit. But it was Stop & Shop. Stop & Shop, kid. And we were just talking about pizza, obviously New Haven, legendary. Yeah. But where were you going on the reg?

On the reg, there were all, there were kind of all offshoots of the same kind of pizza. You know, in New Haven, it's salads and peppers. And that's the good, that's the, the gold standard, I guess you'd say. The best. And then we would go to a place called Tom & Pat's. Okay. Which I think is still there. Sounds pretty good. Two guys that, Tom & Pat, I knew them both. And you know, we played like youth sports together. And then they grew up and they started this, or you know, their family, and then they took over. That's awesome. And so we would go there a lot. But then there were a lot of other ones, you know, in the town. Would you just eat there? No. It's like a, more of a takeout stand. Pick up and go. Yeah. All right. Bring it home. This is all, this is all important, right?

This is it. We got it. We got it. We got it. We got to get back into the granular. We're in it right now. Okay. Yeah. No, we took it home. We take it home. And you know, he's ordered more than you needed. You got it. Right. Because then you have a couple left over. Let me ask you this. Will you have a glass of milk with your pizza? No. Never. I never had milk with guys at pizza. I don't think. Yeah. Soda. Okay. It's always soda. What was the go to soda we're talking? Well, it's probably, you know, like, you know, when we're kids, it's probably an orange soda or a grape soda. Okay. Now, you know, it's probably like a little coke. Coke. There you go. But no, it was never milk. Any three liters floating around the house when you were a kid? Oh, yeah.

Those would be the Pepsi, right? Yeah. I think a big mouth though. I think a big mouth dance of that thing. Yeah, exactly. And the Pepsi's would be that. So. Okay. If there was extra pizza left over at the end of the night, how would you store? Would you put the whole box in the fridge? Or would you take it out tin foil or plastic bag? What did you do? Remember? We would do plastic bag like zip lock. Okay. Plastic bag. And then the zip lock will be sitting there for however many days. Yeah. And you go in there and you need for breakfast or whatever. You're like a cold pizza. You're cold pizza. I do. I like a cold pizza. All right. This guy's all right. I like a cold pizza. One sec on the pizza tip. What's the what was the frozen pizza growing up?

Do you ever do frozen pizza? Not so much. You know, we did a little bit, but it was more like you'd always have the, you know, in the Connecticut area. Yeah, just right down the street. Ever stepped to the to the to the corporate side, do a little dominoes, a little pizza hut? Never. Not until I got to college. Yeah. We're growing up never. That's classy. Yeah. Is that is that? Yeah. They're classy. I mean, you're spoiled. You got all that good pizza. But then I would make fun of the kids who ate dominoes at college. You know, you're trying to kid me. Yeah. Look at that little flat little sawdusty square pizza you're eating. I do love it though. It's great. Then you try to thin crust and it was all turned around. This is all right. Then I tried to

thick crust and then, you know, you meet a guy from Chicago and you know, yeah, that'll change. That changed my bowels, you know, I could never handle it. What was the sports growing up? You playing any sports? Yeah, I played most we were big sports family. So I played all I played hockey, football, baseball and basketball. Very nice. Yeah. And batting the cycle. Yeah. Not like in any, you know, super professional. Yeah. I was never good. You're playing for the Celtics. We were out there. I was I mean, you know, as kids, we played all those sports growing up. And what was the what was the high school mascot? Well, I then I went I went to a Catholic all boys high school, okay, which was about which was in Fairfield, which was about

20 minutes away, five miles away. And our mascot was the Jesuits. That's biblical shit right there. My hometown was the West Haven Blue Devils. That's a good one. That's nice. And then, you know, Devils versus Jesuits. And then I went to the Jesuits. See, right, I went to the Jesuits. And which is not a very sexy mascot. That's not the coolest. It's not very good mascot playing the Corinthians today. Yeah. Yeah. How are the grades? Grades are very good. Grades are good. Good. Good. Good. I know you went to law school, right? I did. I went to yeah, I went to law school. I went to Colgate University and then I went to law school. That's all right. Do you remember what you got in the SATs? Somewhere mid 12s, I think.

That's good. Pretty good. I mean, you know, today kids are like, you know, I got, you know, perfect score. Yeah. I got an 870, dude. You did? Yeah. That's because you didn't try. No, you didn't try. It took 18 times. Yeah, I tried my hardest. I was swinging for the fences, baby. Well, now we say kids, you know, maybe have learning disabilities. Sure. Yeah. I was just dumb back then. We give them a free time. Now they have unlimited time if they want. Yeah. Really? They can take it two weekends if you want. I'm going back, baby. I still got two years of eligibility. That'd be fucking funny, though, if you went back and studied really hard and see how you did now. Get a 640. And then you went to Harvard. That'd be pretty good.

What were the family vacations like growing up? All car. All car. So, like, I never set foot on an airplane until I was a senior in high school. Okay. So, it was like a station wagon. You'd drive up to Boston. You'd drive up to the Salem Witch Museum, you know, wherever you know. You'd go down to D.C. and look at the monuments. Okay. Or you'd go down to Philly and look at the bell. Get mugged. You know what I mean? The family trip to D.C. was, that was something. That was great. Philly, we did a bunch of times. You'd go to the Ben Franklin Museum. Yeah. We went. We grew up around the big heart. Every year we would go. You'd get a cheese stick. Yeah. I'm saying. Yeah. Okay. All right. I like this. Okay. It's shaping up. What was the first job?

First job, I worked cutting grass at a golf course. Yeah. I worked at a golf course as well. Private club? Yeah. Public golf course. Public course. Yeah. And so, I would cut grass and, you know, change whatever. Holes and break traps and that kind of shit. Did you ever zip around in a golf cart? A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. One night we played actually Demolition Derby and a couple guys got fired. Yeah, you gotta do it. You have to. At some point, it just boils over like let's fucking crash cheese. Yeah, it's just a fucking golf cart. It's a strife to these things. But yeah, so that was the first kind of real job. Did you golf at all or no? I did, but like not good. I wasn't good. You know, my dad and his brothers and his friends,

they were kind of like more of the beer drinking golfers, you know. They were not good. And so, every once in a while, you'd play with them or whatever. But sure, I was not. I'm not a good golf. Do you have a set of clubs now? I have a set of clubs from 1986. Really? Yeah. My parents gave me a set of clubs when I was in high school. Okay. And I have kept those since I was sitting there. And so like, I remember I was cleaning up my garage like last year and my neighbor looked and he goes, yeah, you got some clubs? I said, yeah, he goes, you won't play? And I was like, the clubs are from 1986. Like the driver is like, you know, it was the size of the golf ball. Just a little piece of wood. Like now, you know, they're huge, but

Hey, it peaks, man. They'd probably be sick. I guess so. I don't know. I don't know. Every time you move, you take them with you. I do. My wife's like, get rid of the fucking golf clubs. It's like, you know, I don't play. They're just weapons now. If somebody comes in, that's what you grab. And you take them out. You get a little nine iron in the head. All right. Who baby sat you growing up? Had some older cousins that would do that. And then we would have like, you know, friends of the family's older kids would do it. Okay. Which, you know, I recently actually connect like,

I got an email randomly because they're a fan of the show's order from the daughter of one of the people that used to babysit me. And she's like, you know, the woman's like in 60s now. And so I, and then I was just thinking about, she probably has some very nostalgic stories. But all I could think about is the Heffernan kids terrorizing the shit out of her. I remember like, there were times my parents would have to get two babysitters because it was you watch that one. You watch the other one. And like, you know, we had that climbing out windows and running away. You know, say, wait till my mom comes home that kind of shit. Yeah. Yeah. And then your mom comes like, that is the daughter of my best friend and you traitor like shit.

We got yelled at so many times for that's what we're looking for. That's always that that's a huge thing. Who babysat is a big, is it really? Oh, okay. Well, let you know if some people have I mean, yeah, it runs like we had a nanny or I had like whoever was available. Or like my older brother, my older sister, that's a little on the classy side. The folies, we had this neighborhood lady who was a little on the slower side, little on the slower side. How many folies were there that she was watching? It was me and my brother who's 18 months older than me. And like, we would go to bed and come down, we would wait for like an hour and a half and come down and she'd be sitting in a recliner watching TV and we'd sneak up behind her and

we would just yank back to the chair. Okay, all right. We called it an era where that she could smack you or no. Yeah, she smacked us a couple of times, but she started to bring in another lady. To do the smacking. She was the muscle, the weightlifter. But she was also on the slower side too. So it was chaos in the house. My mom would come home freaking out. Okay. But that's all right. Okay. What was your first, your first car? I did not own a car until I was 30 years old. Really? Yeah. And we were never guys that had my family. We didn't have cars. Didn't have one at college. Didn't have one at college at all. No, I, you know, relied on other people. Take the train. Yeah. You know, I had people give me rides where I needed to. But not until I

could get my own car. And then it was a Honda. I think it was a Honda Civic. All right. When I was 30. Hatchback. Little SUV. Oh, like a CR. Not a Civic. Yeah. CR-V. Yeah. Yeah. Your first car was a CR-V. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like, you know, the CR-Vs now are much nicer than you. That wasn't one of those high-end CR-Vs 20 years ago. Man, this is one of the shitties. What color are we talking about? Black. Black. Was it new or used when you got it? I got it new. I got it new. I got a good deal. There you go. Got a good deal. Had a guy. I had a guy. Hey, hey, hey. Help me out.

You pegged me as a good deal guy. I got a guy. I got a guy. I got a guy. I had a guy help me out. And you never, you never worked as a lawyer, right? I never worked officially as a lawyer. Like, I worked... I'll do your will. Real law firms. Yeah, yeah, no. Because I... Like a paralegal type stuff. I was a paralegal for many years here in New York City. And then after we started making movies and it wasn't going well, I was like a temp lawyer. Gotcha. Where you just like read documents and stuff like that. Gotcha. But that was it. That was as far as it all went for me.

Gotcha. So you already lived in New York? I lived here for 15 years, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Where at? Yeah. I lived in every neighborhood. I lived in the West Village. Then I moved to Chelsea. Then I moved to Soho. Then Upper East Side and Upper West Side. And yeah. This guy's like Zillow over here. It was... I knew it all. I knew all the neighborhoods. You know what I mean? What was the pet situation growing up? Had a dog and a cat. Okay.

Dog was a mutt. Dog's name? Panda. Because it was black and white. That's fun. Cat's name? Cat's name. My sister's name. Butterscotch. Because it was the color of Butterscotch. There we go. You seeing the theme? That's what it looked like, I guess. Yeah. Indoor cat, outdoor cat. Indoor. Dog stayed inside? Did you have a dog house in the back?

Dog stayed inside. But we had a yard, so the dog did spend a lot of time outside. Who was cutting the grass over at your house? Me. You did it. Riding mower, push mower? What do we call it? Push mower. When I first started, we had one of the manual ones. Oh, yeah. The wheel. I never understood how that worked. That's when I first started doing it. And then I was like, hey, Dad, come on.

Oh, fuck up. You're a lawyer. Yeah, spring for a fucking mower. That's gotta be a brutal Saturday afternoon, dude. In August. It's true. And so then we got to the power mower and that's, you know... That's a game changer for you at that point. And also, I was a professional grass cutter at the golf course. So I took over handling the...

Out of the way, amateurs. Let me take care of this. I'm gonna look nice. You could be able to putt in this back yard if you want to. The strips. I'll give you the strips. Yeah, the strips. What were you riding around on? They were tractors at the golf course, I assume. They were tractors on the golf course.

Yeah. And you do push mowers there, too. Yeah. On the smaller stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that day, the blades were real close. You cut the greens, too? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. You have to go in at 5. 5 a.m. Cut the greens for the golf. Everything with a golf course was... I remember getting up for work. I was like 17 at like 4.30 in the morning. Yeah, yeah. What the hell am I doing here? Because they had to beat them before they get on.

First tee time was like 6.04 or something like that. Getting there before the sun came up, and then that first round caddy and your feet would be soaked because they either watered or there was dew all over the thing. Yeah. You have grass clippings and all that shit on your sneakers. Yeah, you had that nice boots. Ah, ruin your day.

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That's rockin'money.com slash garbage. Cancel your unnecessary subscriptions with rockin'money.com slash garbage. Baby, the link's in the show notes. Do it, I'm back to the show. What about any injuries as a kid? You ever break anything, fall out of a tree? I broke my thumb skiing.

Okay. And I was never a good skier, but when you lived in Northeast, would your family go, or would you go with your friends? My family never went skiing together. I don't think I ever saw my dad or mom on skis. Yeah, like we went, like I went with like, you know, the high school trip.

Gotcha. Or whatever it is, and you know, and I broke my thumb. That's the only break I had. Did you ever ski in jeans? Oh yeah, definitely. Ooh, definitely. That ain't good, get it. Definitely.

I know, but like I see now, like my kids, you know, they'll go skiing and they're not, we live in LA, so they don't go skiing very much, but you know, it's all this kind of state of the art. Sure, of course. You know, we would just go with, you know, the shitty, you know, gloves or mittens. Sure.

Well, we talked about, we've talked about it a lot on the show of like stuff back then in the 70s, 80s, and 90s was so hard to come across and so expensive. Yeah. Now you're like, oh, I need ski pants, I'm going tomorrow and they're at your house by noon. My mom would put the Wonder Bread bag inside the boot. Did you guys ever have that?

Oh, yeah. The Wonder Bread bag inside the boot, and then you put the boot on. We would do a rubber band around our ankles to keep it from falling down. Yeah, and to cut your circulation. So in case Frostbite said it, it was easy. That's right, that's right.

You said that your dad, your dad was more of a have a beer in golf. What kind of beer did you pop drink growing up? They were Budweiser guys. Nice. And then some of my uncles, we had, all the Heverins lived in this town, so it was like they were five brothers.

And my uncle always had beer in his garage. So it was like, you know, like, well, Connecticut is weird because like, you know, they don't sell on Sundays and they stop at eight. Pennsylvania is the same way, yeah. Eight o'clock, blue laws, whatever you're done. And so it would always be like, go over Uncle Bill's house,

get a couple of cases out of his garage. Because he was out of all cases. And Uncle Bill would have Miller Light. There you go. You go over to get Miller Light from him. So then you bring it back over. Did you guys have a second refrigerator in your garage? Garage fridge.

Freezer we had. You had a freezer. Yeah, like one of those, you know, Sure. Open up deals, you know. Meat. Meat. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, he put some meat in there. Any hunters in the family? No, no, no. Okay. So no venison or anything like that. No venison, just, you know, hamburger. Cool.

A lot of burgers. A lot of burgers. The effort is like their burger. Just a lot of hamburger, you know. So we can make goulash. Were you allowed to eat in your room as a kid? Yeah. You are?

Yeah. When you guys would have dinner, you sit down at the table, or you guys sit down in front of the TV? Table. Nice. I sit at the table, yeah. No spectable?

Yeah, no TV. Now, how about you go to my parents' house that they just eat in front of the TV? Sure. Of course. What have you done? But we were kids. Yeah, yeah.

What was it? How many times was their family dinner a week? Was it once a week? Or were you guys every night? Pretty much every night. And what's your folks' nationality? Irish. Irish?

Yeah, we're like, you know, 75% Irish. Cool. What was your mom cook? What was her best dishes? Tuna in a hot dog roll was one of her best dishes. That is the most Irish shit I've ever heard. Like hot tuna in a hot dog roll. That was one of the big things.

The Irish aren't good cooks. My family as well. They aren't. My mom doesn't even try. She goes, I'm not a good cook. Ladies and gentlemen, the podcast took what we call a left turn right around here. The hot tuna in a hot dog roll.

I bet it was good tuna though. It was good. It was good. But that's kind of stuff. Like goulash, you know, she'd make like, you know, meat pasta. Something hearty. Yeah. A lot of egg noodles growing up.

Egg noodle. Yeah, you get like the beef or a tuna casserole. Okay. A tuna casserole is another thing. I don't like a tuna casserole. Which is just pasta, mushroom soup and tuna, which I've tried to make for my kids and they can't fucking believe

that I ate that when I was a kid. My mom does it with chicken. She goes with chicken all the crumb. Yeah. We had that kind of stuff, chicken and cream. Bread crumbs on top. Yeah, yeah. We had that too.

What was the snack situation going on? No vegetables. Just so you know. No really. There were no vegetables in my house. I didn't have broccoli till I was 18. Yeah. I'm serious.

They, yeah. Like now I like, you know, I forced my parents to buy vegetables because I feel like, you know, maybe. A potato was like the most, the biggest vegetable I would have. A lot of potatoes. Yeah. It was pasta, meat, potatoes. Do them in the oven wrapped in tin foil.

Yeah. All right. I like it. Mm-hmm. What's the, what was the snack situation? Snack situation. Would they have sweets in the house? Cookies, popcorns.

No, we were not a sweet family. We're not a sweet family. Probably have like a potato chip. It was probably the big thing. Okay. Like probably potato chips. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. We were not a sweets family. We didn't have desserts. You know, like I, when I got married, my wife's family is a big dessert family and they couldn't even understand how we couldn't be a dessert family. Yeah.

And so, you know. I respect it. I respect it. What was, what was Christmas like? Did you do a real tree, fake tree? Always real tree. Always real tree. Colored lights, white lights?

Colored lights. Colored lights. White's a little class here, right? White's class here. How about it? I do that now. Yeah, you got it. Back then it was the-

Because you're new money. That's right. That's right. Because I've, because I've grown up a little bit. Yeah. I've grown up a little bit. But no, we did the, you know, yeah, the colored lights and-

Any tinsel on the tree? Lots of tinsel on the tree. The dog's eating it and shit. Yeah. That's bad. Yeah. And then, but it was, you know, sloppy tinsel on the tree.

Of course. Outside of the house. Colored lights as well? Yes, colored lights as well. Okay. Yeah. Not icicle lights. Like those, you know, big-

No, no, I got you. Bowl B. Sure. Okay. Old school, baby. Yeah. Not bad. Have carpeted in the bathroom growing up?

No. No. Tile. Do you ever have the- We're a tile family. Is the carpeted toilet seat, you know, the cover? The cover on the seat or right around the floor.

Yeah. Like in the softer, you know, to be the softer thing. We did, at one point, end up having carpeted in the kitchen. Whoa. Which is fucking crazy. And stupid.

Dude, that's a first. Stupid. This is episode, like, 288. And then, like, I think, just last weekend, my brother was up there and he ripped the carpet out of the kitchen. Jesus.

Yeah, for the first time. What kind of carpet are we talking? Like, you know, like, you know, this- Sting. Not shag, you know, but it was like, but yeah, I mean, the amount of shit you spill in the kitchen, I mean, it was like a dump.

Like, somebody would seem like an office, like, thinner and harder. Yes, exactly. Yes. With 30 years of baking grease on it. Exactly, yeah. Commercial carpet in the kitchen. Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about. We got company coming over. Vacuum the kitchen. Shout out to Mr. and Mrs. Heffernan. That's crazy. Whoa. Did you collect anything growing up? Um, I did baseball cards.

Cool. Football cards. Cool. Comic books I did. Cool. Any Chinese stars or num chucks floating around? No, my brother was that guy. My brother, he was the Asian-influenced guy.

Okay. So he did, yeah, at Nunchuck, he did stars. He did, you know, all the kind of, you know, he took judo lessons, karate lessons, and that kind of stuff. So he was that guy. Very nice. And I was a little bit more sport-o.

Okay. You know, the sports cards and the comic books. Any musical instruments in the family? Anybody play the piano, the guitar? Not until we had to. Until they forced it upon you. Well, that was like school, right? Yeah.

You had to take band or whatever it was. And so I played the saxophone for a few years. Were you any good? Alto. There you go. Yeah. There you go. I was not, I was not good.

Okay. But... You could hold your own, I assume, in the band. I guess I was okay. I mean, I was still... You could hold the note. I still like to say I played the saxophone. There you go.

Oh, really? Yeah. I was never good at holding the note. But, you know... Do you own a saxophone? I don't. I don't. I should, though, right?

I mean, if you're going around saying you play the saxophone, I mean, I did. Like, I spent several years playing the saxophone. Okay. It's kind of a big guy instrument. Sure. Sure. You know, it's not like I played the clarinet,

which is, you know, very similar to what we're talking about. But that was... I was that guy, and then my sister, I think, played the flute. There you go. And other than that, no. My parents were not, you know, musical people at all. Okay. At all.

Okay. Were you a chess family? No. Nobody plays chess? You know, there might have been a span where one of my brother... Brothers was into it, but no, we were not. We were more checkers than chess. I like it.

Were you more of a... Were you more Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune? Say no more, my friend. Definitely Wheel of Fortune. Most checker families are Wheel of Fortune families. But I feel like as time went on, maybe there was a Jeopardy in there. Okay. A little bit more of a Jeopardy in there.

Would you guys watch any shows together as a family? Not... Like, I would watch shows with my dad. I don't know if we ever... I mean, as the kids, we'd come together and watch, you know, whatever. Sure. The Cosby Show or whatever, you know, that show was. With my parents, I definitely would watch, like, MASH.

Sure. My dad watched and I watched shows together. Sure. Like, do you guys know The White Shadow? Of course. Do you know that show? Of course. One of my all-time favorite shows, like, my dad and I watched that together.

High School Basketball, baby. Yeah, it's a great show. And so, you know, we would watch that stuff together. But I can't think of us sitting down as a family and watching it together. Any other shows you and your pop would watch? We would watch Hill Street Blues. There you go. Sane Elsewhere.

There you go. Yeah, The White Shadow. And then we'd watch Yankee games together. That's awesome, man. And Giants games together. That's awesome, so. So that's the way you leaned, even in Connecticut. You were Yankee's Giants.

Yeah, well, I think the Mason-Dixon line is New Haven. Okay. So people on the other side were the Boston people. They called New England, yeah. And then towards, you know, you go towards Fairfield or whatever, that was more Yankee's New York-based stuff, yeah. I respect it. Yeah.

Were you a Mayo family growing up? Was there Mayo in the house? Yes, very much so. And still. Was it Hellman's or Miracle Whip? Hellman's. Excellent gentleman. Would you know what?

They don't have that in the West Coast. It's a totally different. Dukes or Dukes or something. All America's best. Yeah, I can't remember. It's a different brand. Like, you get it. They're like, what the fuck?

It's the same exact. Product. Labels and whatever, but it doesn't say Hellman's. Yeah. Isn't that crazy, you guys? Word you guys say it is not. I smell a stand-up bit. Guys, work on it.

Have something for me about tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Give me five minutes on Hellman's. Guys, what's the deal? Where was the butter kept growing up? In the fridge or on the counter? This is a bone of contention.

Now I keep it on the counter. Gentleman. Because I think that's where it should be. Of course. I think growing up, it was in the fridge. I'm surprised a little bit. I am too. But just because Irish mom, old school carpet in the kitchen,

I would think that the butter would be on the counter. Me too. And that's why that's the fight we have now. I was like, when we were growing up, why don't you put the butter on the counter? Yeah. Mom, who wants hard butter on their toast? Yeah, I'm tough.

I never processed it until we got older. And I realized that it's got to be spreadable, baby. Yeah, but it was never, we had the hard butter. It's not like we had tubs. You had tubs? I grew up, we grew up a margarine family. I guess that's not good. For a minute, as I was a little older, for a minute,

my mom got into the whipped butter. Okay. Brex stones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. That's all right. That was all right. That was a little better. Classy.

Fancy. Yeah, times are going, we're good over there. Things were good for a couple of years in the 90s. What was your first concert? Jay Giles' band. What do you guys think about that? Blood runs cold? Yeah.

My memory has just been sold. That's the album, too. Yeah. So it was, there was early 80s. Where was it? It was in New Haven, Coliseum. Okay. And we got tickets to Jay Giles,

and I went with my buddy from high school. And I don't know, it was probably like 15, maybe, I would imagine. It's a good time. Solid. And the opening band was a guy who I'd never heard of and never heard of since. He was like a Jimi Hendrix.

His name was John Butcher Axis. You ever heard him? Whoa. You ever heard him? I love him. George Butcher Axis. I don't know. I got tickets next week.

He's coming in later today. Don't know what happened to him. He opened up for them. And it was the first time I saw someone smoking weed, too. Okay. Because I was like, you know, there are people all around me that were smoking weed, and me and my high school buddy. And you're like, what's going on, man?

And I had nightmares that night. And my mom attributed it to the weed smoke. It's just that smoke, honey. Wait, you went home and told her guys were smoking weed? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was, you know, open about it, you know. But the funny thing is now is my son, who's that age now,

for, you know, whatever. We have our first concert that we said, what's your first concert, right? And everyone has them. What are you guys, I'm sure you've talked about it, but. Steve Miller Band. Okay. I went with my mom.

I was probably eight. It was Meat Loaf. Okay, but still, that's great though. That was a good time. So my son went to his first concert with my daughters and mom, and it's Katy Perry. And forever for his life. That's tough.

Someone will ask him what your first concert is, and it'll be Katy Perry. Yeah, that's not good. And that's his fucking curse. Bein' fair, bein' fair. She's got some hot tracks. The actual first concert I went to, I went with my mom and my two cousins

that are a little bit older than me. It was Jack Wagner. Okay. From the General Hospital, Jack Wagner. Okay. He doesn't respect that at all. That's worse than Katy Perry. He had one big tune, right?

One big song, right? Yeah. It's not, oh, she's like the one that's Swayze. Yeah. But it was that same era. Yeah. Do you know what it is? No, I can't think of it.

You can't name it? Bullshit. No. They'll fucking shit about it. You had the poster on your wall for years. Wow. I might have peaced at it a couple of times. They had them all over the place.

What was it, T-Bone? He had one big hit. Too young? Nope. No. That's off the time, too. When you search for Jack Wagner's biggest hit, a shocking number of song comes.

So this guy's got quite a cattle. Well, he was a multi-talented. He was a hyphenated person. Multi-faceted. Sangy. Lady of my heart? Nope. That's not it.

Going back again. No. Stay where you are. All I need. That's it. All I need is just a little more time to be sure how I feel. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

We're going to get flagged by YouTube for copyright. Do you think? Okay. You guys really, you are a musician. That's parody. That's parody right there, guys. Jack Wagner counting our money. Yeah.

Okay. What was it? Good. So it was your concert. I'll just say it was your concert. Okay. So my son, Katy Perry. Yeah.

That's all right. But he can just always lie, too. You got to take him to like a Metallica concert or something. I know. You know what I mean? I know it. I know it. So you can just forget the Katy Perry.

Who was your mom's favorite singer? Who did they? Who did your mom and dad listen to? Peter Paul Mary. Okay. Respectable. My dad had the, my dad listened to the Kingsden Trio. You guys don't even know who they are, right?

Folk guys, right? So then, and my dad also, he had the- He's a good shit. This Heffernan's a good shit. Yeah, he's all right. We went to Cole. He, my dad went to Colgate University also. Awesome.

And so there was a men's singing group. Okay. Called the Colgate 13. That's old school. And my dad had some buddies that were on it when he was there. Uh-huh. And he had their album. So he for, to this day, you know, 40 years,

that's what he listens to. Still cranks. The Colgate 13. That's awesome. Singing. Shout out to him. So yeah. So he's not, he doesn't like any rock and roll,

then like anything like that. You put it on, it could be the Stones or Katy Perry. And he's like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. He wants the Kingsden Trio. We do an encyclopedia family. Yes. You have a set of Britannica's in there.

We did. We did. I don't think it was Britannica. What was the, there's probably a competitor to Britannica. We didn't have Britannica, but it was a different, it was the cheaper knockoff version of the Britannica. But yeah, you'd get them. And that's how you'd write your reports from school.

Hey, get the M, the M number M or whatever and blah, blah, blah. Any other series of magazines? What do you got? What do you got? Were any other, were any of the letters missing in your complete set? No. We were pretty good. We were pretty good about that. That and the Hardy Boys books.

We had all the set. He had the Hardy Boys? Yeah, the complete set of Hardy Boys books. So National Geographic, any other set series or sets? My brother at National Geographic, which you know had the breasts, you know, from whatever third world country breasts. Yeah. Shout out to him.

That was your super trooper. That was the inspiration. Was it the Columbia Encyclopedia? Yes, it was the Columbia Encyclopedia. Yes, sir. Good job, T-Bone. Yeah, good. I like it.

Good. How do you get your steak cooked? Like now or when then? I go like medium rare. Gentlemen. I go medium rare. My kids go well done. And I correct them in the restaurant.

And really? You don't want that. You don't want that well done. Don't grow out of that. Waiter. Don't listen to them. Listen to them. I'm paying a bill, all right?

They don't want that. Get to medium plus. Medium plus, yeah. Medium plus. How many suits do you own and do you know how to tie a tie? I definitely know how to tie a tie. I'm not good at. I mean, like I don't know how to tie a fancy tie.

Like when I worked in town here and I was a paralegal, you'd have to wear a suit and tie every day. And so I knew the fast way to tie a tie. Like I don't know how to do like a Windsor. Double Windsor. Yeah, I don't know how to do that. I only know one quick one. Yeah, I know a quick one and I still use to this day

and people make fun of me. But you know, and I've had people be like, no, no, come on. And then they retire you or whatever. And suits, I had like some shitty suits for a long time that I wore when I was a paralegal. And then I started wearing them when we would do promotional stuff. And then people get mad at me.

Like you can't wear a fucking suit. You look like a paralegal. Like a fucking idiot. Yeah, like a fucking idiot. And so then my sister-in-law who is our wardrobe designer on our movies and our TV shows, she said, I'm going to take you shopping. That's awesome.

I'm going to take you shopping. And so we went shopping and I got one nice suit. And so that's in the closet. What's the name? You know? I would know if you told me. I would know if you told me. Something fancy.

Something like a designer suit. Yeah. Yeah, something fancy. A higher end. Do you remember how much it was? It was like two grand maybe. All right. Now we're talking.

That's the suit. That's the, but that's, you'll be buried in that goddamn suit. That's right. And then like when I fluctuate in weight, which happens. You know, you try to go up. You go down. You get to take it in.

You get to take it out. I love it. You know what I mean? I respect that, man. I love it. Who's cut? Hickey. Hickey.

Do you guys know suits? No. I don't know suits. I mean, I know like Hugo Boston stuff. Yeah. No, no. It's something Hickey. Something like that.

I don't know. I can't remember. Okay. Um, hmm. Who's cutting the hair now? Who cuts the hair? Sports Clips I go to. Jesus.

Hepfordon. Is there a sports clip? Is there sports clips out here? You're a goddamn movie star. You guys, what the fuck? And we got him out of here. Well, I've always been that guy. Like, like, uh, sports clips.

Yeah. Whenever I- At least a hair cutter or something. Well, they get mad at me, right? When I lived here, I would always find like the barber, you know, whatever the, you know- Like the local barber shop. Yeah.

Like out here, like out there, it's a Mexican barbershop. And out here, it's like the Puerto Rican guy or whatever it is. It's an Eastern European. That's right. And so I would always find that barbershop for five bucks here, whatever it would be. And I would go to that. And then when you're doing the movie or the TV show,

you have the person, you know, they do your hair. So, you know, for the last three or four seasons we've done our show, I'll get my hair cut by that woman, you know, in the trailer every week. Every week. Every week. And then we'll go on for like three months. And then as soon as it was done,

I would go back to sports clips and she'd get fucking furious at me. And I'm like, right? She just come to my- I was like, yeah, sports clips is read by my house. And it's just, you know- I mean, I just get a, you know, the little cut, you know, a little fucking cut.

They have a sports clips at LA. They have a lot of them. And I'm a fucking regular. I'm a regular. No, I do have a punch card. I do have a punch card. No, fuck it. Give it to me.

But I don't use it. I don't use it. I use it for my son because he thinks it's funny. He thinks it's funny to use a punch card. Okay, I'll give you that. But I do don't- What's a- I went to sports clips two weeks ago.

You got a TV show and a brand new movie. What's a TV? This is great. What's it? What's it cost? What's it cuts at your back over there? It's gone up since the pandemic, man. Inflation.

I tell you what. 12 bucks, you believe it. 12.99. No, I think it's like 20 now. I think it's 20 now. And what do you tip, if you don't mind just asking? I tip well. Yeah.

I tip well. Okay. You know, I'll give- Like if I do like a 20 bucker, I'll give like a 15 buck tip or a 10 buck tip. Respectable. Yeah, I'll give a nice tip. Guys, all right, man.

Thank you, guys. That's classy. That's classy. Ah, if you're staying in a hotel, what do you tip? What do you leave for the chambermaid? It depends on how many days. But if I'm there like for a weekend,

I'll throw like a 20 down. If I'm there for more than we got, I'll throw a 40 down. Okay. Guys, throwin' around a cat. I threw a 40 down for this. I was here for like four days. I threw a 40 down. Hit him with it.

That's respectful. Is that not- No, that's great. That's cool. Is that real? Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there a thing where you don't throw anything down? I mean, in my lean years, yeah. All right. When it was- But let's say you go do the Jacksonville whatever. Chocolate hut or something. Whatever it is. No, we're tipping now.

You're tipping. You're throwing it in there for the weekend. Yeah, we're jammed up for a long time. Yeah, we were. I stiffed enough that I- But I feel like I need to pay it back to generations now. Sure. Me too. That's exactly right.

Me too. Also, we sell merch. I usually have a lot of cash of like, you know, so I'll leave probably a night. I try to go 10 bucks a night. Okay. But I try to do that. Okay.

All right. That's nice. Give me a take. Yeah. Do you guys share a room on the road? No. We're too old. If we would have hit-

If we would have got successful when we were like 22, 23 for sure. But it's like, he's 47 and I'm 36. Sure. We're like- But that's the- Agreed. But we used to do five guys to a room.

No shit. And then you're like, oh, fuck, what are you kidding me? The whole squad would be in there. Yeah. And then you'd get like, we'll split up, you know, two and three or whatever. And now it's like, fuck it. Sure.

I can't do it. Where'd you stay when you were here? Can I ask you that? Here? Yeah. I stayed at a place because I had my family. So we stayed at a place where you got, they were kind of short-term apartments.

Oh. Nice. Should I say the name of it or no? That's up to you. It was a place called the Phillips Club. Very nice. Sounds nice. Sounds crazy.

It's not, it's not look, you know, super look. It was good because I had like a kitchen. Yeah, that's great. Or if you have a whole squad there. Apartment, got the whole team. You know, so it was pretty nice. Oh, all right. Did a good job.

Damn. It wasn't the four seasons or whatever. The Ritz or the other stuff. OK. I got an apartment. Do you know how to use chopsticks? I do. It's why I laugh because it just happened there.

Like, I don't. Not great. You can get by. I can use them if I have to. But I am the guy who asked for a fork. So we went to a Japanese restaurant there with my family. My kids were teenagers. Embarrassed to shit them.

I was like, you know, the guy brings the food. They're good with it. Their mom's good with it. I said, hey, can I call the waiter over? I got a fork, you know? And my kids are like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus.

Can I get a fork? And where's the pisser? Yeah, exactly. And the guy comes to the fork and, you know, you probably had it in his asshole. You probably brought it out. Here's the fucking fork. Here you go.

And then I ate my whatever with a fork. At idiot table four, what's a fork? Give it to him. Everyone looks at you. Everyone looks at you. I struggle through it. So I'm not good with them at all. And do you get a fork?

If other people, I won't be the first guy to get a fork just out of pride. I'll struggle through it. Okay. Yeah. And also. I go pride in their direction. I'm like, yeah, give me a fucking fork.

Yeah, give me a fucking fork. Yeah. Stop doing the Pledge of Allegiance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I want a fork. Okay. All right.

Anybody speak another language? In my family? Yeah. No. No? No. Okay. No other languages.

All right. No. I wish. Yeah. Now my kids, you know, they take, you know, Spanish. Do you own any turquoise jewelry? No. Me personally, no.

Yeah. I do not. And I don't think I ever have. Not a jewelry guy. Never happened to a jewelry guy. No change, just a wedding ring? No change, just a wedding ring. Watch.

Watch. Nice. Yeah, that's it. No jewelry, no tattoos. Cologne? No cologne. No cologne. But, you know, I joke about it because my buddy Steve Lemme,

you know, he, he's a cologne guy. But he's not, what he says, he's a body spray guy and that there's a difference. I don't know. That body spray is a thing. And cologne is like from cologne, Germany or whatever. Like that has to be the thing. Sure.

OK. And so he wears cologne and, or he wears body spray. And then we get into arguments about it. But I don't, I'm not a cologne guy. Never happened. I feel like I should, maybe I should be. Yeah, I'm not either. But then you got to pick a scent.

You got to figure out what your thing is. I do little spritz or something. I keep, I keep it rolling. OK, can you say what it is? Pam. It's the whip butter we talked about before. Mine's from a town called Bologna. OK.

Is it body spray or is it cologne? No, it's cologne. I don't know what it is. OK. It could be. Don't lie to me. You buy it in the fucking bulk. Yeah.

Tell me what it is. Like a French whore. Yeah. Yeah. I go through different ones. You know, whatever is that like? Whatever, whatever the season is. Yeah, whatever the season is.

Yeah, your winter sandal. You don't want to go too heavy in the summer. Sure, I hear you. Keep it classy. OK. But yeah. In the last 365 days, have you taken a shower, gotten out, and put on the same pair of underwear you had before?

Yes. Well, I feel like when you're on the road, you're running low. You know what I mean? And you got to throw something back on again. I did that recently. It was like, you feel good until you get out. Yeah. It just doesn't feel right.

It's like getting in bed with someone else. It's not good. But sometimes it has to happen. Socks, too. Socks, I've done that, too. You know what I mean? Socks are old. The same socks.

Do you currently have matching socks on right now? I do. I do. That's the thing I have a little thing about. Have you ever traveled somewhere with dirty clothes in your suitcase? Yes. Definitely.

For sure. But only a place where I know that I have access to laundry. You know what I mean? Like, if I travel to my parents or I go to like a VRBO that has a washing machine. When was the last time you did laundry at your parents? I'm going to do it tonight. You hear that, Mom?

I'm going to do it tonight. Get the tide pods ready. Your baby boy is coming home. As I said to her, I was like, Mom, come in with a full bag of shit. So tonight, I'm going to stay in the shower for a second. OK. Move over, buddy.

Would you ever brush your teeth in the shower? Yes. Pea in the shower? Yes, definitely. Oh, man, this guy's all right. Definitely. Real straight shooter, he is. What are you using at the house?

Your house now. What's in the shower? I have not. I don't have a lot of. Yeah, I don't. I use soap, like straight up soap, like a. Bar. Bar.

Yeah, you know, I'll go. We were an Irish spring family. Yeah, sure. For many years. Now I think it's lever or lever. Lever? Lever, I think. Yeah, is it?

OK. Now we're that. And then I don't do hair product, really. So I just recently started using conditioner, which is a new thing. Quick bragging. How often? How often?

Cash is rolling in, huh? Hello. Hello. Talking about residual checks. But that being said, my wife, you know, she has a lot of stuff in there and you walk in there and sometimes you use what's in there or whatever it is. But I use whatever's in the shower.

OK. OK. Now, do you use a washcloth? No, I used to. You just go bar to skin. Yeah, bar to skin. And I used to do washcloth for a long time, many, many years. Do you do the legs, too, or do you just like gravity?

Not anymore. Legs don't take that. I also, the thing is, and everyone makes fun of me, we did an episode about it on my show, is I don't, I hate moisturizer. I don't use it. And I like it. I hate it.

And so I'm always ashing. Just deal with the dry skin. Yeah, elephant elbows, they call me, you know what I mean. And I'm like that also. My wife is a moisturizer. And I'm just always fucking dry. And it's gross. You floss it every day?

No, I'm like a pick, one of those picks, you know? I'll use that. OK. But like it's more of an absent mind of like why I'm sitting on my desk kind of thing. It's not like a noble. Yeah, gotcha. But it's the same thing, right?

I mean, as long as you do it. Getting it done, it doesn't matter the intent. You're getting it done. What's the toothpaste at the house? Colgate. You use a Colgate? Yeah, why I went to school there. So.

Got to support the team. We've always been a Colgate family. Colgate 13, baby. Colgate 13, we've always been a Colgate family. And that's the shaving cream, too. It's a Colgate product. OK. Yeah.

Shave every day? Pretty much. I don't need to. OK. It might be just habit. Do you use disposable razors? Or do you have like a Gillette? I have a Gillette, but I have like, I don't go through.

I like to use the same razor for like five months. Like, you know, like you guys probably had that, right? Well, when we had the podcast, and it was Harry's, was the. Sure. They were the ones who were sponsors. Yeah, sure. And so they give you the, it's a big, like they give you the razor and the thing.

And my buddy Steve Lamme, who's Latin and much more, you know, hairy than I am. And he was very excited. And I was like, ah, I don't care. I mean, I only go through one. They just gave you a lifetime supply of razors, yeah. I have one blade, so it's not really like I would need Harry's, where I need all these blades all the time.

Sure. I mean, so, but yes. Except when you're doing that read. Yeah, that's true. Then you love them. That's true. Then you love them. You love the sheets and the things and all the sex toys.

You use the fresh one every day. I use a sex toy every day. I got a butt plug in right now. And I love it. Shout out to him. Have you ever won your high school class ring? I wore it. I got one.

I wore it maybe for a week. And then I had a girlfriend. And she took it. And she wore it. They put ribbon about it, so it fits her finger. And she wore it. I think she lost it. She wore it for like a year or two.

And then I think she lost it. That's very movie style. I like that. She wears a class ring. She wore my ring for a while. What's the sleeping situation? King-sized bed? Yes.

King-sized? How many pillows are you using? I am a two-pillow guy. Behind your head? One behind the head, one under the arm. Sure. Got to hug it up. Yeah, because my wife doesn't want me to touch her.

I got the same thing. My wife was like, I got hot flashes or whatever. I don't want you to touch me. I said, come on, honey. Don't touch me. And so I have to have something to put my ring on. Do you have a fan on when you guys go to sleep? No, I hate fan.

OK. I think I feel like you wake up and there's like a film on you when there's a fan on. I kind of know what you're talking about. It feels like something's been blowing on you. No, I kind of get it. Were you asleep at the TV on? Fall asleep at the TV on?

No. It depends. If I'm drunk, if I'm in a hotel room, yes. Why so? Why are you like that? Well, because my wife doesn't. She gets up for work and she's like, I'm not. No TV.

The only problem with the hotel room, it's so bright. It lights up the whole room. Yeah. I got to have it for scary purposes. Oh, really? Yeah, I want to know somebody's in here. I don't want the maid I stiffed three years ago to come back again.

Yeah, I guess hotel room or like if my wife is like working overnight or something like that, I'll sometimes fall asleep at the TV. All right, all right. And the last 365 days, have you slept in jeans? No, I don't wear jeans much anymore. I mean, I wear like khaki jeans. I don't wear dungarees that we used to call them.

Dungarees. That's what my dad still calls them, dungarees. Hey, you got your dungarees? And he gets them dry cleaned and pressed with a crease. He does? Real old school. His dungarees gets done. He thinks they're his thing.

And they're going to be paled. That's classy. When you're getting dressed in the morning, what goes on first? Underwear. Just got out of the shower. Underwear. Yeah. Pants or socks?

Socks always before pants. Good man. Well, because you got a guy like me, I have a little, you know, and you sit down, you don't have your pants on when you're putting your socks on. It's a mobility issue. Yeah, it's a restriction, you know, it's a restricting issue. I'm with you.

I like it. Yeah. Anyone in your family pronounce refrigerator as refrigerator? No. Fridge, does that count? No, that's fine. That's fine. That's the abbreviation.

No, no, nobody says refrigerator. Anyone in your family ever been on the local news? In a bad way or a good way? You tell me. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have like family guys who are firefighters. OK, that's great.

They are on for that kind of thing. And they always send me the clip, you know, when they're on. I was on the TIC in Connecticut over here. That's fine. If it was a guy who had seen the fire. Yeah, and they were like, I just walked outside, and his hair's all blown back. That's a bad guy, yeah.

Yeah, we don't have that. You don't want to be the passerby. Yeah. Have you or any member of your family ever claimed to have seen a UFO? I'm sure they have. I don't believe in them. OK.

So I don't, I've never claimed that. But I'm sure I have family members who have here, like my brothers and my sisters. OK. Definitely. But I'm not a ghost guy or a UFO guy. I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in you.

Same way. I don't believe in ghosts, unless I'm by myself and it's dark out. Right now, I don't believe in ghosts. You guys are good guys. I believe in serial killers. And murderers and shit like that. Ghosts, I don't believe in.

Yeah, I also believe in those as well. Muggers, I believe in muggers. Have you ever microwaved bacon? Oh, yeah, hell yeah. To this day, yeah. Turkey bacon now. Shout out to it. Yeah, watching the figure.

I respect it. Not bad. What's a Heffernan family vacation like now? Now it's a little bit. It's a little more. Yeah, not, I don't think, you know, it's not super luxury. But like, you know, like I said, when we went, we didn't, you know, we got in the car in droves.

Car in droves. But now, you know, for example, well, this was a family vacation. Sure. The Heffernans, I came here to do press. I've seen Instagram. You've been working all week. But they come.

They come and they do. They come for the fun things. And so I brought them with me on this. And that's their vacation. Nice. Taking to Disney World. Make the production company pay for it. Yep, Disney World we've done.

Yep. Have they been, have you had the kids overseas? Or anywhere. Do they have their passports? Yeah. They had. It's not a great story. But yes, I have not taken my wife.

I don't love traveling overseas. My wife does. And so she planned this huge trip. And she was taking the kids to France while she was shooting my TV show this summer. And they were so excited. And then it got about a week out. And she found out that your passport has to be.

Six months. Six months. Yeah. And it was four months. They won't let you leave, yeah. Yeah. And so the night before the trip, she found that out. And so their whole trip got fucked up.

But I didn't realize that, because I don't go there. So no. So I think the most, we're taking them to Canada. That's the most I've done in Hawaii. Does that count? Yeah. It's still America. Yeah, it's still America.

But otherwise, no. I took them to the Toledo one. We went to England, went to London. There you go. That's a couple of years ago. There you go. Well traveled. Why don't you like leaving the country?

I can't see. I think the rest of the world isn't there. There's chairs and their vehicles aren't big enough. OK. You know, like if you get on a bus, if you get on a bus somewhere, it's not big enough. I thought it was going to be political or something. It's that.

It's these goddamn European chair makers. But every time I go somewhere, yeah, you can't sit in something or whatever. And I feel like the shit, like the beds and the whatever, they're just not big enough. Yeah, my wife is from Europe. Every time you go, the beds are small. Everything's a smaller, low profile.

It's just not as comfortable and luxurious as America. And then I'm like, I love the food. I don't have a political problem with that. Whatever it is, I just, I feel like shit's not big enough. Yeah, that's fucking awesome. That's why I disagree. I think that's the truth, Scott. Yeah, that's fine.

That might be the best answer I've ever heard. I thought you were just like, I'm a picky eater or something. I don't like riding in the buses. Yeah, OK. I know you said you were a big tipper. If you're going to a wedding, you know, maybe like a, you know, like a family, like a younger family member, or like a close friend's kid.

Now, what do you, what do you, what do you drop in there? It depends. I mean, God, that's, that's rough because I don't want to. I'm trying to get the last one to have one too. Yeah, well, too low. We've ran the game. We've had crazy high and crazy low. So you'll fall in the middle.

I would say, you know, before I was, you know, I would say in the last five years, I've kind of settled around like 750. Dropping, what, in the envelope? Yeah. That's great. Holy shit. That's great.

But what, is that, is that too much? No, that's fucking awesome. What do you need? I would say like, that's the last one. And before that, it was probably five, you know, 500, 750. That's fucking great. You're doing hundreds?

Checks. I think checks. That's fine. Checking a wedding is fine. Yeah, checking a wedding. She's not in the mall. Is 750 like, you know? That's high.

Dude, that's awesome. But like for you and your wife and no one else. That's good. That's good. Very good, okay. That's awesome. Yeah, very good. Yeah, they're like, well, the minimum would be like 100 a person.

I said, that's, that's bare minimum. That's trash. I feel like I used to 250, like my wife and I, we'd given 500, but now we've graduated a little bit higher. That's great. Also, it's weird. Because there's a lot of expectations. That's what I'm saying.

I'm in the entertainment industry. Sure. They open it up to go, what the hell did they have to give? But it's the same thing with tipping. You know, like you go somewhere, they know who you are. You know, that fucking asshole gave us, you know, whatever. So you always got it. You're laying heavy.

You got to. I tell you, we were with, we made a movie with Bill Paxton. Shout out to him. And he used to walk around airports with a roll of 20s in his pocket. And if someone came up and asked him for an autograph or say, like, he would take a 20 off, he'd give him a 20. And we were like, what the fuck are you doing?

He said, hey, man, you got to keep the fans happy. And I was like, wow, can you think about that? Hey, everybody out there, that ain't going to be happening. No, me too. I'm like, fuck that. What are you fucking kidding me? 20 bucks to everybody who says hi to you? I was sad when he died.

That makes me even sadder. He was fucking awesome. He was one of the greatest guys I've ever met. No question about it. Chat from Weird Science. Oh, yeah. Fucking legendary performance. He didn't like you to bring that up.

Really? He probably had such a, he wanted to be focused on his later. Yeah, it was the letters later stuff. So he was like, hey, man, come on. I did a lot of shit since chat, man. Of course. But he was fucking brilliant at the time. He's great.

That's my childhood memory. Yeah. Chat. So yeah, he had to be cool about it. Oh, shit. Do you open your eyes underwater in the pool? Yes, I do. Respectable.

But like, you know, I'd say in the last, since the pandemic, I have a pool in my house, right? So I've been in Google. In ground? Yeah. I've been going goggle. Hot tub? Yeah, but it doesn't work.

There's always a caveat with this guy. Why not? Like, I work for a week, like the blower broke, and I never got it fixed again. Is it connected to the pool? It's connected to the pool, and it gets hot, but it doesn't do bubbles. All right, I'll give you that.

Like, I can get it up to bathwater, but I can't make it bubble. All right, that's OK. I got it fixed once, and then broke again. I was like, fuck it. I don't give a shit. I'll give you that. That's fine.

Are you grilling out there? You got a grill? Yeah, nonstop. I'm a griller. Who's cutting the grass now? Garter. Well, yeah, guy. Nice.

In LA, you pay a guy like $20. He'll come cut your cross every week. What kind of grill? What kind of hardware are you working with? I have a, I'm trying to think of the brand. Webber? It's a built-in. No, you had Weber, and it's like blazed or something

like that. And so it's built-in, it's got the stone around it? It's built-in. My brother and I, we put it in, and so then hooked it up to the gas from the house. So you don't have to light anything. You have no tanks or anything like that? Do you have a fridge in the garage now?

Yes. You do. What's in there? Beer, meat, and then leftover, like whatever, milk or whatever shit you need in there. What kind of bruises Kevin and Heffernan like to pop back? I have a lot. I get like beers as gifts a lot, you know?

Like people like, what do you want to give them? I want to give you a beer. And so they'll give me, you know, whatever the exotic craft. So I have a shitload of that. IPA, man? I love IPA. The more bitter, the better, as I say.

But I also have, you know, I have Bud and Bud Light. And then like I'll have like, you know, like the transpo guy on our thing will give me a case of, hey, you like this Czech beer? It's from Czech, but I'm not here. You know, they'll give me like a case of that and whatever. So I have all kinds of shit in my garage. You got a collection.

Yeah. Yeah. Man, sounds awesome. Pretty good. And what are you whipping around town at? What kind of car are you driving now? Chevy. Chevy Traverse.

This is an American boy right here. Those seats are big in that Chevy, baby. Well, it's like, you know, it's the Manny Van, I call it. The Manny Van. So it's like, you know, it's kind of like a minivan on the inside, but it's man on the outside. Family man. I give you that.

Like my wife went out of there, oh, electric now, but I just kept my Chevy. What's the life whipping around in? She was Tesla for a while, and then we dumped it. And now she's in like whatever Volvo makes. It's called Polestar. It's an electric vehicle. Volvo.

I haven't heard that in a while. Real class. Volvo. Back in the 80s and 90s, they were clean. They were. And safe, guys. Yeah, it's very safe. It's very, it's like the smart choice.

Yeah. For driving the kids around, guys. I think I only have one or two more. I'm, pfft. Am I doing all right? I think we got you pretty dead to rights. Am I doing all right? I mean, I feel like I don't know.

I don't know if I'm getting enough stories. Are you getting enough stories or not? Oh, yeah, no. We have enough evidence to render a verdict here. OK, OK. Have you already found a member worn a costume or painted your face to go to a sporting event as an adult? Yes.

I'm trying to think of the last time I did it. The last time you did it? Well, I mean, we did it more when we were kids. So I had grown up. We had season tickets to Giants, right? So at the metal ants, we would go to the metal ants all the time. And, you know, definitely wore shirts and jewellery and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Paint my face probably was more in a high school day. I think I wore a referee outfit one time. Oh, good game, boys, good game. I had a referee shirt or whatever. Like, whatever, we did like a sketch or something. I was a referee. I'm wearing a fucking referee shirt.

Yeah, that's fun. That's a bit. That's fun. That was pretty good. That was a good moment. But I also auditioned one time for a referee position. I can't remember what movie it was. Oh, Semi-Pro was the Will Ferrell basketball

movie in the movie. Yeah. And I went and auditioned. Killed that. And I wore the ref shirt. You got to. To the audition. You got to.

But I didn't get it. You got to. And you would have been great. Didn't get it. Yeah, thanks. I just got two more. One, do you take leftovers from a restaurant? Yes, absolutely.

And I eat them. Some people take them, they don't eat them. Sure. I take them, I eat them. Some people take them, they don't eat them. Yeah, I take them, I eat them. When you go and make a purchase at like a CVS or something like that, 7-Eleven, will you ever get cash back at the register?

No. Gentlemen? I think, well, I think it's, you know, it's a different world. Nobody uses cash anymore. Right, sure. Like, I have some cash in my wallet, but, you know, nobody ever uses cash. I think the final thing, do you own a pizza cutter?

Do you have a pizza cutter at the house now? Several. Excellent. Several. And like, you know, we have novelty ones. Like, you know, like there's like a bicycle one. Oh, that's fine. And there's like a, you know.

Classy. Thanks, man. Do you ever make homemade pizzas at the house now? Yes. Yeah, that was a big pandemic thing. That's pretty classy. You know what I mean? You make the pizza with the dough.

Go-to fast food, it can't be in and out. OK. And it can't be Shake Shack. Talking one of the classic. And that should be Jack in the Boxer down. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. This guy's trash.

Is that not, you know what I'm saying? Panera bread. Taco Bell. I think Taco Bell. Like my kids now, my son's now into Taco Bell. Like, you know, he's one of those guys, like he's 15 years old. You go through the thing, he's like, give me five tacos. Yeah, 18 crunch wraps.

Yeah, like, oh, Jesus, OK. One final question. Been a hot button issue here on the podcast for a few weeks here. When you're flying, will you put the seat back? Oh, yeah. I believe that's my real estate. That's my airspace.

And I say the person in front of me, that says real estate, right? But it's my real estate. And because, whatever, I'm a big guy. Sure. Big gut. I need a little. Are you OK when the guy in the front of you drops it down?

Because I believe that I'm entitled to that. He's entitled to that. I've never thought of that. That's his space. That's your space. It's my space. Yeah. It's from a family of lawyers.

Yeah. Well, it's like somebody puts their shit underneath their seat where your feet go. And it's like, hey, buddy, move your shit out of there. Because that's where my feet go. That's my space. And will you say something? Yes.

You will, huh? Yeah. And I say something like, hey, yeah, I've done that before. And guys are like, pfft. Like what? Put it in the seat in front of you. Yeah. Put it when I see it.

I'm my feet go. I like it. Yeah, you'll screw around. Do you guys not recline? I'll recline if the guy in front of me reclines, but I won't start the reclining process. I'm the guy who as soon as we get the wheels off the ground, I'm back.

Really? Well, I'm a big guy. Like I need to get a little bit back. I don't recline. Obviously, I'm a big guy. So when somebody does it in front of me, it depends how they do it. It looks like he's sniffing their hair.

But you don't recline out of principle? Not, yeah, not really. If I do, I kind of look back and make sure that the tray's not out. And I'll put it back a little bit. OK. But what if there's no one behind you? Oh, yeah, what do you mean?

What if there's a little kid behind you? Yes. Yes. But this just happened. I'll look back and if he's with his parent, I'll say you guys mind if I come back a little bit. Just give him a heads up. That's a dangerous thing.

I had an issue with an old guy. You're giving him the power, man. Oh, like I'm out of you? No, I kind of did. He just slammed it back. Yeah, you can't slam it back. That's not cool. OK.

All right. You're just not cool. Ease it back. Gentlemen. OK. Ease it back. But that's my real estate. I understand.

There wouldn't be a reclined button on that chair if it was yours. No, of course. Of course. Your honor. You make a lot of sense, Kevin. Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kevin Hafrenin, I mean, there's a lot going on here. Thank you. Educated, classy family, carpet in the kitchen is tough. I forgot about that. There's no bouncing back from that. And you've made it. That's an AYG first.

You've made a couple to move. The hot tub doesn't help you too much. Yeah. Ah, yeah. 100% trash. OK. Yeah. But fucking awesome, man.

Appreciate it, man. Is that a good thing? Yeah. Oh, it's celebrated here. You're getting me. Welcome to the party. Get a hot tub to the party. Are you guys done?

Oh, we're trying. You and me. It's all based off of our lives. OK. Garbage. OK. I'm looking at skateboarder. Look at him.

It's true. The carpet in the bathroom question came from my house. Yeah. We had it for about seven years. Oh, yeah. It smells like pee in there. He looks like he keeps it trimmed to beard, though. You guys, you know.

That's new. He's tipping it up relatively scraggily. Got Wallace Whiskers coming down. All right. Fuck. He's keeping it tight. Gang, Mr. Kevin Heffernan, the brand new movie out on Hulu right now, Broken Lizard, quasi.

You have to check it out. It's absolutely fantastic. Brother, we can't thank you enough for coming in. Thank you, guys. This was a lot of fun. A lot of fun. Anything you want the folks out there to know you can hit them with?

Yeah. Well, Tacoma FD. We got our show Tacoma FD. The fourth season is done and edited. And it's sitting there. And we're going to put it out this summer. So this summer, Tacoma FD season four. And then, yeah, quasi on Hulu.

On Hulu. Yeah, check it out. Buddy, honestly, like we said, huge influence, huge fans. Love you so much. Thank you so much for coming in. Kippy, what do you got for them? Guys, we're over the road. Adding second shows.

Get your tickets now before they sell out. We'll see you out there. Thank you. Gang, we love you. And we'll see you next week. Peace.