Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kim Congdon Answers Your Questions!

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

The Queen of Trash returns and joins Kippy and Foley to answer some garbage questions from the listeners. Kim does not disappoint. Its a fun one! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.MintMobile.com/Garbage  https://www.sheathunderwear.com Promo Code: GARBAGE https://kushydreams.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? 

Hey gang it's your old pal Uncle Hank. Real quick before we get the show started I just want to give you a couple reminders. Number one Atlantic City, New Jersey June 18th 830 show sold the fuck out. So we added a 1030 show. If you want to come see us in Atlantic City grab some tickets for the 1030 show. Also Chicago, Illinois June 24th both shows sold the fuck out again. So guess what we're adding a third show June 22nd that Tuesday at 7 o'clock. Get some tickets for that come and see us. And lastly if you live in Indiana, Indianapolis come on out and see us June 23rd at Helium Comedy Club.

It's going to be a great time. Now let's get the show started. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley. It tastes homemade. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Oh yeah. Little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they go to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Yeah. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Aunt Toody's basement. She continues to be a thorn in our side. Yeah. Mother's Day. I'm having a nice brunch with my family. I get a call

from a buddy of mine who I used to wait tables with who now works at a Fridays. Toody's over there demanding that she gets a free lunch on Mother's Day. She don't even have kids. I'm aware of that. Toody. She's trying to fucking milk them for a free Mother's Day. She said that's always been the case. What she's referring to is Veterans Day. Veterans get a free meal. So there'll be some stolen valor coming up for a plate of sampler. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. I can't give him too much shit. He's my boss. This guy saved my life in Vietnam. All right. He is the Andy Dufresne of Are You Garbage. I'll be insane. What's an AO. What's this all crashes. It puts out a cold beer too. I'll tell you that. Give it up for my partner my pal Kevin

James Ryan everybody. Hey gang. What's up. Happy to be here. As always thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube and patreon.com. You can sign up get bonus episodes of AYG episodes of hard feelings and we do a live stream every month with our top tier guest. It's a good fucking time. But how are the numbers. The numbers are true to rule true to like just through the roof. They're cooking. Also we're going to be posting footage from the live shows that we're doing on the patreon. So another reason to sign up get that content baby. Fantastic. And a lot of that goes to our producer extraordinaire. He's a magic man. Very funny stand up comedian from Chicago Illinois. He's here on the fucking New York scene.

We were out Saturday fucking cruising around hitting some spots smoking some cigs. It was a good time. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMuffin everybody. What up boys. Hey T-Bone. Dudes. Breakthrough. KB brushes teeth in the shower. Changes tune. Yesterday. Fresh bagel. Untoasted. Nice. New York style. Nice. Stunk. He hated it. Oh get out of here. Three out of 10. I felt like I was late for work. Shit sucks ass. You're a kid. I'm not trusting anybody with that haircut. Go ride your rebel scooter back to wherever. Yeah. My conservative scooter. Gang that can either be here nor there. We could not be more excited to have our incredibly incredibly special guy. Got a hot one. Back with us today. If you haven't seen her episode you got

to go back and check it out. Most of you have because most of you fucking comment about it. Still to this day all the time. We love her. She is coast to coast trash. She's all over the place. The queen of trash. You do move around very very well. You're here. You're there. You're posting this. You're posting that. We could not be more excited to have her here with us. She's going to be answering your questions. Give it up for the one the only and she brought fucking Slurpees. I mean come on. What are we doing here. Kim Cogden everybody. Hey what's up everybody. Thank you buddy. This is beautiful. You're welcome. Yeah. I mean nothing like showing up 30 minutes late with Slurpees. That's the trashiest way I could show up. You're in on your own. You're in your own time

kind of girl though right. You know to be honest I'm usually very on time with things. When it comes to spots and stuff like that when I'm hosting I've noticed you're always right on time. You're perfect. Yeah. I like to remember when I ran the light though. No. Okay. I ran the light with you and you were not happy once. No that don't put that on me. I don't even remember. Everybody thinks he's a big lovable petty bear. I don't even remember. Hey I run a tight ship. I don't want to tell you. I'm not like Bozo McGee over here. I shouldn't have put you on. Yeah. I'm pretty good at being on time. I hate being late but I think the just getting used to. I'm driving in the city for the first time. Which is crazy. It's a nightmare. Because when I said that I meant it. You grew up

in Florida. You were working out of LA during the pandemic. You're there. You're in LA. You're here. You know what I mean? You're zipping around. You're flying around. Where are you getting it? Where'd you get a car in New York? One of my friends let me borrow his car while he was gone for the weed. That is some weed culture shit right there. Is it a van? Yeah. It's a Subaru. It's like a 2004 Subaru. Wow. That fits the bill sticks. It barely turns. No. I'd be surprised. It barely turns. I'm shocked that I'm not dead. What does that mean? Oh barely turns. You have to be speeding in order for the steering wheel to work. That sounds real insane. I thought you meant turns like the engine. I was like damn she knows that term. That's real trashy. Can't get the engine

to turn. Something wrong with the catalytic. I don't know. Yeah. You're all over the place. Yeah. It's been, I mean I took advantage of the pandemic and had my $50 flights, my trash flights. I know. She'll be like, she's like in a cave, like snorkeling and shit. I'm like, yeah. In a cave with a pre-rolled in her mouth. Every time I'm getting sick with their parents, like idiots, I'm going to go do it in the fucking Colorado River. Well, you have one of my favorite moments from any are you garbage is when your mom made a cameo. Oh yeah. Your mom thought she was on Star Search and it was fucking fantastic. She was like, oh, hey. Like she came in and stole the fucking show because we did it on Zoom, the first one. Yeah. And she came into your bedroom and was

like, who's on TV? Which one's Simon? It actually became a problem with her and working at home. Loves attention too much. She's also like, she gives off a little bit of Siffler's mom's vibes. Yeah. A little slutty mom vibes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I get it. You want to be fucked. I don't need to see it. Who doesn't? We all want to be fucked, but I don't need it behind my ear on a Zoom show. On a corporate Zoom show. Yeah. I'm working. I have to write this off later. It was one of my favorite things. She put her feet in my Twitch stream. Really? I had to kick her off a Twitch. She knows what she's doing. I forgot. I forgot. For free. For free. Shout out to Mrs. C over there. Doing it right. She knows what the boys like. Feet first these days.

I was sick. I had made a funny comment. I was like, oh, they're asking for your feet. And then I kept streaming and then I see a foot behind me in my ear. And I was like, get your feet. A bunch of eggplants start going up. Yeah. I was like, get you. I was a bunch of donations. I was like, where's all this money coming from? I forgot that you did Twitch too, which I don't fucking get, but it's so funny that you don't. I don't get it either. It just all fits with you. You're playing video games on there. Yeah. And people watch you play video games. They pay to watch me play. And what video games are you playing? I play Fortnite. I play Call of Duty. I play a little bit of Rocket League. I was trying to get into 2K recently.

I'm going to get into some FIFA. So you guys check me out on Twitch.tv. If you have Amazon Prime, subscribe for free. There you go. You making decent cash on there? I make pretty decent cash. I make like rent paying cash. That's good. What? Yeah. Twitch slash are you garbage? Let's go. B-Bone. Let's fucking go. Are you trying to figure out how to work an Xbox? It's just fully playing Minesweeper for four hours. I'll play Snake for 20 minutes. That's it. It starts hurting my eyes. Fantastic. Well, thank you for sitting in with us. Thank you for coming in. Of course. As you folks out there know that when you sign up to the Patreon, you get your question asked on the air. And that's what we're going to do. Nice little family. Yep. We're going to bow some things off.

The questions have been unbelievable. I saw one on Twitter today that was, is it garbage if you're named after your parent, but not the middle name? Yeah, it's pretty tragic. Oh, it's so good. But not the middle. Like you have to have both? Yeah. To be like a junior or a third or a fourth, it has to be like Jonathan's. Like if your mom's name was Kim Elizabeth Cogden and your name Kim Sarah Cogden. What is your full name, by the way? Kimberly Allison Cogden. Nice. Very white. Nice. And is that your mom's last name too? Is your mom's last name Cogden? No, my mom's a Benitez. You know, we don't have the same last name. Are you kidding? Why are you going to say your mom's a whore? I have to take the shot. I'm sorry.

When I was younger, I was like, I can't wait to have my own family so we could have one name on the mailbox. Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. I love you, Kim, but I mean... Listen, I'm a 30-year-old Puerto Rican. If I haven't gotten pregnant now, it's also very true. I've learned the pullout game great. It might be that Allison might be pushing you. You guys want a taquito? Jesus, you can't get a taquito. I'd love one, but I can't. They'll kill me. If it was just you and me, yeah, I'd eat the whole thing. Why can't you? Okay, I got these guys watching me. Yeah, I mean, we're just getting... He's watching you. We're trying. Yeah, I mean... Why are you banned from taquitos? What'd you do? I'm all blocked up. I'm all blocked up.

Meritories are all jacked up. I shouldn't have brought you the slurpee. No, of course not. Don't push me over. He's going to be drinking mine in a second. You're like a new prison guard. You don't know what I'm saying. You don't know what I can't get out of. Hey, this new baby sitter's fucking awesome. He's going to have a really long straw sipping yours in tow. Why do you shove the slurpee in his ass? That's foley. That's what he does. He's hiding it. It hits him quicker. I like to boof it. What are they? These are Monterey cheese and chicken taquitos, and I used to have this. I remember your breakfast, right? This bag of chips and... Her breakfast would be taquitos, ruffles, chips, and a slurpee. When are we talking?

Every day before high school. High school? Every day. I haven't had a taquito in a long... Six weeks? I fucking love these things, dude. Have you ever had this specific flavor? Yeah, what am I? I've had them all. Six weeks. I served them at my wedding. It's like it came out of a five-star restaurant. Yeah, their top shelf. The Monterey Jack chicken taquito stands on its own, man. Okay, there's a trick, though. Hold on. They don't need it, but if they had like a sauce that came with them, good night. They used to have the ranch packets by the hot dogs.

I can't do the packets. It's got to be a dunk. It's got to be a dip. Did you ever catch a... Well, you could steal the little donkey ranches. I used to do that, too. I used to just steal them. You know, the packets of blue cheese and... I mean, you can't steal. I feel like that's what they're there for. You know, you can buy those, Kim. No, it's been $25 on a ranch like that. You steal, too? You'll steal little things like that? I... I'll admit, I stopped stealing exactly like a year ago. I was like, you know... Your friends were swarming me. Only because I feel like I reached my felony amount on Target and Walmart. And because...

You're stealing from department stores? What do you mean? What do you mean? Who are you? A Nona writer? Who the fuck steals from them? Yeah, I know. I have a thing about stealing like from big stores like Walmart. It makes me feel better. Dude, so many people have that. It's so crazy. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I like supporting small businesses. That's why I don't steal from them. No, I buy from small businesses and I steal from big ones. I'm the ghetto Robin Hood. Like an Avenger. Saving the planet. One blouse at a time. Yeah, I was like, I can't get arrested stealing fucking a Hershey's bar at this point.

You know what I mean? That's my biggest thing. Can you imagine if someone puts it on Twitter? They're sending it right to you guys. That's what I always say. Your mug shot is we're going to be tagged in your mug shot. I always said that even when I was a kid, I didn't want to be the fat kid getting caught with a fucking Laffy tab. You were like... Right. I've really worked out for you.

That's the last time I saw you. Tagging the fat guy eating taquitos for a living. Legally though. Legally. We have to do this to keep the Patreon. What was your biggest heist? I mean, they're never big. Talk to me. What are you stealing? Like clothes and earrings?

Well, hold on. If you stop, that means that you got... There was a moment when you got a little scared. I've never gotten caught. I've never gotten close to caught, but I know that it's a game of numbers and I've gotten away with it since I was 13. That's smart. Yeah. So I'm like, now that I'm 30 and I can afford the fucking detergent, I'll buy it. But you're stealing detergent? Well, that's what I stole last time.

Can I tell you why? Can I tell you why? You're trash. It's unbelievable. I know. I was in a hurry. I was going to go buy detergent. This is the last time I stole from Walmart. Walmart, if you're hearing this, fuck you. I don't think the Walton's doing it in the RU garden.

The Walton's definitely watching. She would fully in Kivir. I literally, and when I steal, I do this to the camera so they know that I know. Oh, you're fucked up. What are you, the fucking Riddler? I love it. Next time, Target. Four goons pick you up out front.

What'd you get, boss? So the last time I stole detergent was detergent, and that's because I accidentally grabbed softener. I went through the self-checkout, realized it was detergent. I pressed the call for help button. I waited about 15 minutes and I said, you know what? I'm going to go get my own detergent and just leave. Did you keep the softener?

No, I left it. I paid for the softener and then took the detergent, which is more expensive than the softener. That's not too bad. But it's like, what are you, now you're going to have to pay for the time I waited, 15 minutes. I mean, at least- You've thrown off my whole day off this weight, so that costs at least $7. The joints aren't going to roll themselves. I got tequitos I got to get to.

Nothing to do. Yeah, of course. I got to go play video games. Hold on. I do see what you're saying a little bit with that. I also see, I also respect the fact that you're being honest about it, because let me tell you something, there's a lot of people out there, a lot of people's moms and grandmoms and aunts and uncles,

that you think are good people that play it real stupid when it comes to that shelf checkout. A lot of people look the other way, you know what I mean? And they just won't admit it to themselves. The best way to steal is right in someone's face. Jesus Christ, those vicious. You just said that like the ice man. You should have pulled a gun. Can we start over?

Can we start the bomb? Hey, Kunski, relax, will you? Whatever the fuck his name was. Detergent is a dish best served cold. No, listen. Man, you are, even when you think you're trash, you're so trash that you think you're not being trash and you're like... I know I'm being trash.

I don't know. The thing is, you're smart about it. That's what's scary. You're smart about it. You know what you're doing. You're sinister. She's shoving tequitas in her mouth. She's smoking like a cigar.

After any good ice. You're like the godmother of Harlem over here. Or who was that lady in Miami? Griselda Blanco. It's probably her aunt. That's my aunt. Titi Griselda. Titi Grissey.

Yo sabe Titi Grissey. Oh, God. Holy shit. I like to steal right in their face. You did. She did. Yeah, she doesn't do it anymore. Hey.

Bill Walton. Hey, you heard what I said. One year ago, it was the last time. Well, what's... For sure. The turgeon. What kind of... What kind of...

It was one of the big bulk ones? Yeah. Wow, I could see you using that. I always find them to be the trashiest. The big ones. That kind of stealing is not fun. That's not the thrilling kind of stealing. The one I'm trying to tell you about is in the face one.

Where I go like at 7-Eleven, I go like... I put these up there, these up there, this up there. And when he goes to ring these, I go, uh-uh, these are mine. Oh, my God. Shit. That just sent a chill through my spine. She looked me dead in the eye.

I felt like I was just working at 7-Eleven. No one will ever question that. Would you ever? You're like, Harvey, your board hand up there. I was like, what are we going to stop and check the cameras? I got to go. She flips a coin, call it. If they want to check the cameras, I go,

you know what, keep my chips. Has that happened? No. No one even questions it. What are you like without weed? Are you just stabbing people with ice picks? I'm without weed right now. I haven't smoked today.

Really? Yeah. This is sober. Wow. I'll let the sixth pre-sync, though. Let the boys down, though. Give them a fair fight, you know what I mean? Call in a couple more guys.

But I will say that I do support small businesses and I would never steal from someone's house or personal property or anything like that. I just want to fuck people over that are like, like, fuck Walmart. Sure. I got you. They pay their employees like 35 cents an hour.

Yeah, that's not good. They'll have to pay them less now. Let all this shit, you're stealing. Yeah, exactly. Maybe if they can make a couple more bucks and they have to spend so much on wall prevention, they'd be able to, they'd let their guys unionize. You're the problem.

That's the other thing, too. They had to buy nine more cameras and a drone to follow you around. We got Kim coming in over. The best place to steal is from a place that is like a Walmart, but is in a nicer neighborhood because they don't get stolen from Walmart. They don't know.

So you actually have to help them out because they have a certain amount of items that are there to be stolen. They pay for that insurance. So if I don't steal, they're wasting their own money. You could be like Frank Abagnale Jr. You're like one of the guys who like writes bad checks, gets caught by the FBI,

then works for the FBI. You're helping them out now. You're showing them how to do it. Yeah. Would you take that game? I'm convinced. Would you work loss prevention? Yes.

Like in the casinos when they hire X cheats to watch the gamblers. I've heard about that. That's your kind of job. I love it. Cut to her in a Walmart. She's walking the catwalk in a Walmart. The thought of robbing a casino gets me off so much.

I'm going to slide off this chair. Dude. Nobody's robbing a casino. Nobody's robbing a casino, but I can think about it. It can't be. I don't think it can be done. Without somebody getting shot or hurt, you're not getting away with it.

It can't be done. It can't be done. It can't be done. You find the guy at the top. Yeah. And if it's a guy, it can be done. We can make them turn the other cheek real quick. All right.

Are you Jerry Saperstein yesterday? Have you seen my mom's feet? Are you Mr. Venetian? Hey, are you Steve Borgata? He a Fortnite fan at all. There was one time I was staying in a hotel in Vegas, and I was laying in bed, and the room service people just walked in

as I was watching TV topless in bed. What? She didn't knock. She was like, I didn't realize anyone was in here. And I was so fucking happy about it. I was like, oh, and then she closed the door, and I was like, I'm getting this room for free. The wheels start turning.

They were trying not to give me a room for free. I called corporate, no one answered. I went downstairs, no one answered. Then I found the guy who owns the hotel on Facebook, and Facebook called him video messenger over and over again until he answered and gave me a refund, and he did. Did he ever answer?

Yeah, he said I scared him. He was like, no one's ever done this before. I'll definitely refund you. I'm a little taken back, sorry. And I was like, yeah. No one's ever walked in on me on my titties either. Holy shit, dude. That's crazy.

Oh, you're a little fucking bonkers. Psycho. That was years ago. That was like five years ago. Still, I mean, you tracked down the owner of a hotel. Was it a big hotel or like a? Yeah, no, it was like a big hotel in Vegas. He was like, no one's ever FaceTime messaged me

to get a refund. And I was like, hey. You haven't met the condom. She's sinister. I'm a little scared now. I know. I'm worried about drinking this slurpee. You know what I'm saying?

We're all going to get real sleepy. Wake up, Tooties is cleaned out. Tootie talk, she has all the cameras. Gang after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by big wireless providers. If we've learned anything, we've learned that there's always going to be a cat. They always get you.

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That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code garbage for 20% off your order. Now back to the show. Dudes, are you guys ready to hear the most are you garbage heist of all time? Hitting. Sure. A circus circus, casino heist.

Yeah. Shout out to the circus. We just talked about that. I'm going to admit that that was a hoax thing. Was it really? You tracked down the guy who owned circus? You tracked down Mr. Circus Circus? Was he wearing clown makeup?

He had big shoes on. I'm so upset you said circus circus after that. I wasn't going to admit that trashy part. Circus. What? It was the rooms were already like five cents a night. What's in there? Like popcorn and shit?

Couple of elephants. We'll send up some cotton candy right away. Sorry about that. You really do work on your acting chops over here. The housekeepers are all little people for some reason. All right. What a good time. This is a good one.

What is it? What's the heist? All right. So it was a chick who drove an armored car for circus circus. I assumed it was the bearded lady. And she drove the armored truck. Who is her the world's tallest man? And the whatever.

Oh, that one flatlined. It's still a good one though, boss. It's Epicitos getting me all hot and bothered. So I don't even know if this counts as a heist. She just drove the truck and then one day she was like, fuck it and just drove off with all the cash. Three million lived in the Netherlands for 12 years. Damn.

Never tracked her down. In 2005, she just turned herself in because she got tired of living on the lam. So what was her punishment? I want to know if it was worth it for her. I don't know. I'll look into it. I mean, 3 million in 12 years.

That's not that much. The trapeze. No net. The world's tallest man put an end to that one. Come on. Or did it? I heard of a really good fucking heist one time. There was an old man that was working at a zoo.

He worked in the parking lot. And he was the person that charged for tickets, parking tickets. And he did it for like, I think like 10 years or something like that. And then one day he was just gone. And they realized they didn't charge for parking there. And he was charging like $10 a bus, $5 a car. And they did the math.

He made like $100 million or something. Like he made like a hell of money. I remember hearing that. Yeah. Yeah. And he was just gone one day. The stand was gone. That's okay.

He just stayed there in a red jacket or whatever. And people were like, I guess this is the guy. People don't know what's going on. Yeah. The long con. I like that. Huh. That's good.

I knew it would have to be something, some kind of inside job. I'm saying there's no way that you're. You can't. You can't smash and grab it. We're not pulling up in fucking penguin masks and getting out and fucking robbing a casino. We won't make it out of the parking lot.

No. I'm not taking nothing that's worth more than like $20. Okay. Yeah. Do you still like jor it? Like those like. No, no, no. I don't steal like.

It's never like. Clothes? No. Never stuff anything down your shorts or anything like that. No, no, no. I'll do like a Snickers bar. I'm like like petty theft. I'm like a Snickers bar detergent.

If it's fucking bothering me. Sometimes I'll do a bag of chips. If I, I do it as like a punishment. Like if I'm waiting at 7-11 for 10 minutes in the line, I'm getting something for free. Kid's got a point. I don't. Did you pay for all this stuff?

I paid for all of it. Oh my God. I didn't even think of it. And my fingerprint. I thought about stealing just for the podcast. We're playing chess nut checkers over here, fatty. But I didn't want to get arrested and not make it. She's like, no, this Slurpee was mine before I bought these.

I'm only, only charged me for two. I brought my own Slurpee. Yeah. Now these are my taquitos. Yes. Yes. I brought it from home. I made these.

Let's get into some questions. Let's do it. We got some fucking. Fucking fantastic. Haters, guys, as you know, when you join the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question. We just get so many requests. Otherwise, it's the best way to fucking do it.

And a little added bonus to join the old Patreon. Which is cooking, by the way. Cooking. This is just a fucking home run. This is from Tim. Is anybody in your family missing a finger? Such a good question. That is a real dirtbag thing.

We're talking tips. Are we talking whole fingers? Anything. The tip's always a trashiest for some reason. Yes. I'd rather you miss enough. Like a whole hand than a tip. Yeah, because the whole hands is like,

oh, it got wrapped around something in the belly. A tip is always like the tail end of a truck. Something, yeah. And a tip is we couldn't afford the special surgery to get it put back on. To put back on. Right. It is what it is.

They might take a toenail and tape it on there or something like that. I know somebody that had that done. A toenail? Yeah, just to make it look normal. He lost a tip and he lost a finger nail. And they put it. Yeah, I've seen that.

So they took a pinky nail and kind of put it in there. Not for me. Doesn't look right. Anybody in your family missing anything? No, but my dad does have one of those crooked top thumbs from where it got cut and sewed back on. You said that like it was so normal. A crooked top thumb.

You know like when someone's missing the top of their thumb, but it got put back on. So you kind of, this is kind of a yes. So yeah. Yeah. A crooked top thumb. Wait, so he lost? Sounds like a golf ball.

Like it got cut and then kind of got put back on the wrong way. Who put it on? I don't know. How did it get cut? Maybe himself. Do you know the story behind it? I don't know the story. I just know he's always had a fucked up missing piece of thumb

that kind of got put back on crooked. Damn. My one uncle has, he fucked up his finger and they couldn't get the... Nerve back. They didn't have the money to put the tendon back together. So this thing just fucking gets... It's got a mind of its own.

He's always hitchhiking. Everybody's pulling over. No, I'm just waving to my buddy. Okay. This thing's just fucking going the other way, 90 degrees all the time. I remember my buddy's dad growing up. He was missing.

His guy caught like a bike chain or something and like they like something happened and he was missing. So he just had like this. And I'll never, I didn't know. And I had known him for like months. And it was like the first time I was eating dinner over his house. And I look and his dad's holding a board with it.

And I was, yeah, they didn't tell me. I was like, fucking seven. I'd never met anybody missing a finger. And he's sitting there like... It's a lot for a seven year old. That's a lot. He's, he's sitting there twirling the spaghetti. A mustache is a lot.

What are you doing? You fucking kidding me. Who's this fucking guy? I, I, I thought it was good when I saw that thing. It was a scene. This is the same fucking family gave me milk with dinner for the first time. I was like, yo, wrap this up.

I'm out of here. I love a milk with dinner. Yeah, you do. Fantastic. So trashy. With pizza. You like milk with pizza? Yeah.

Of course. How else do you cool the pizza down? Coca-Cola like a gentleman. By the way, can we jump back real quick? Toby had mentioned his bagel situation earlier in the podcast. What are your thoughts on that? You're bicoastal too. Yeah.

Be getting, you, you're in New York. You're getting a bagel with cream cheese. You're getting a toasted. See, oh, I really, really like an untoasted. I like a toasted, but there's something better about the untoasted. It doesn't like cut your mouth when you're eating. Fresh.

Yeah. So chewy. I love a chewy bread. Good. Love a big CD. There we go. There we go. Yeah.

She's not all, she's not all the way gone. She's got some class in her yet. There's some human in there. Not much. It's like, it's like denying science exists. No. We have the technology. I just think it's warm and crispy.

I just don't think you get it. You're from fucking North Carolina. If you want to put, if you want to toast it and put butter on it, sure, go for it. But if you're doing cream cheese and your bagel can't be served untoasted, it sucks. I don't want to fucking cold, cold bagel. But the thing is when you toast them and you're on the go,

then they're not, they stop being warm and then they're just like these hard things. And that fucking, and then you can't get cream cheese on a toasted bagel. That shit starts sliding everywhere. Yeah. Toby, you're out of your league here. I will say this.

I could see, I could see a fresh out of the oven, still warm from the oven bagel being the supreme leader of all bagels. Oh, I got news for you, Panhead. They don't cook them in the oven. All right. So take that shit back to Chicago. All right.

They're boiled. And then placed in an oven. Oh, I didn't know that. Excellent. I try, I mean. I try. I can't get only back up. You can see it, but I'm getting iced right now.

I'm getting iced. It's cold over there in the booth. He's at a desk three feet away. Let's pull the curtain back. He's not in a booth. He's up there in the sound room. Can I have your Slurpee straw now? Yeah, of course.

And by the way, the spoon at the bottom of the Slurpee straw, when I was six, that was like, I felt like a scientist with that thing. I had no idea what it did. Really? No idea. You couldn't figure out what the spoon was? I didn't realize that was four.

Nice cream. I didn't realize that was for the Slurpee. The fuck would it be for? I just thought it was like something. Come on, it gave me a broken straw. I thought it was just something cool they did. I didn't know that you were supposed to do that. Oh, you're a bozer.

It's not aiming in your defense. It's not a great spoon. Mm-hmm. Sure. It never scoops up what you want it to. I thought it was just enough. I thought it was designed that way so you could get the chunks up through the straw.

It was some safety feature or something like that. Safety feature? Whatever you want to call it. Innovative technology. I can tell you are not the brains behind the organization. Did you drink coffee? As kids? Coffee as kids?

No, you did. In a bottle. Yeah. But that's a baby bottle? Wait, hold on. Yeah. Like when I was young enough to have a bottle. Café con leche they gave me, right?

They gave me coffee and milk. Yeah. That's how they do it. Yeah. When I was little, my mom used to drop me off at my aunt's house and she was like, your mom would drop you off and you would start crying for your coffee like an old lady.

And what are you, Puerto Rican? Yeah. Jesus. You guys play it fast and fucking loose. That and a new point yet that they started. No baby Kim cries until she gets her first burp. Oh my, can't fucking talk today. Hey, what about that clown hotel?

Jesus Christ. Wait, before we move on to the next question, the missing finger, maybe think of one. Do any of you have any permanent like body issues? Like a part of your body that's numb? From my eyebrows to my ankles Kim. I'm all jacked up. No, this is temporary.

He's getting rid of this in a couple of weeks. Just an ointment from the doctor. Hopefully this will clear right up. This is why I'm waiting on my copay to kick in. Permanent ailments, like a floating bone somewhere. I have, I've talked about it. I fucked something up in my chest a couple of years ago in Columbia trying to weight board drunk.

And now it's like I can crack it. Mine does that too. From Jiu Jitsu. Yeah, I don't know what it is. It feels good when it cracks, right? When it cracks, but when it's not, I'm like, oh, it's, I'm like, it feels like it's caved in and I'm like, I gotta fucking, and then crack and I feel good.

Yeah, I don't know what it is. I like how hers is from Jiu Jitsu and yours is from falling off a raft. In my defense, I never even got up. I was just, I was just being pulled like a fucking big fat bald fish. And they didn't speak any English. My Spanish was no bueno.

And I was about 19 beers deep. And I'm like, I think I got this. Like Tom Cruise back there. I do all my own stunts for everybody out there. Oh God. I have a, yeah, I got all kinds of fucked up shit. Like a neither. He's got like skin tags and stuff.

Neither. Oh, skin tags. Forget it. I usually take care of that myself though. He's an extra extra large. Forget about that whole circus, circus bit. Kippy's hot, baby. He's heating up.

Look out. By the way, I'm such a hack. I have for sure had to make that joke at some point. Fair enough. Yeah. Hey, whatever. You know what I mean? Let's tell you something shorty.

You're doing great. And they don't know that. Keep the, keep the fourth wall up. Going with that question, does anybody in this room have any pencil in them permanently? That was big. That is so fucking funny. That's big.

Because let me tell you something. You're garbage. I got some right here in my finger. And I know a lot of people out there got a lot of fucking lead in them. Yeah. No, no pencil for me. That's real bad.

No pencil? No, I think I should. I'm shocked. She didn't go to school that much. Too busy hanging out. That's funny. Hers was a crayon-only school. The way you just said that is so crayon.

He means crayon. Say it. Crayon. Crayon. Crayon? Crayon. We said, we grew up crayons. We say crayons.

Either way, it's either way. It's, it's not crayon. It's crayon. No. Hey, hold on. Give me a crayon. Crayon. Crayon?

It's crayon. What do you think cranberry juice is? Cran, cranberry juice. Crayon berry. Crayon berry. Crayon apple in our house. Shout out to Ocean Spring. She always cut it with a little something.

Um, a crayon, a pack of crayons. Yeah, I would say crayon. A pack of crayons. No, no pencil on my thumb. I did. I cut my thumb on a tin can almost a year and a half ago, and that shit still hurts. Why'd you have a tin can?

I was trying to make like a walkie-talkie. Hey, can you hear me over here? I'm back, baby. I was slouched in the first half. Kippy's heating up over here. Since the all-star break, this kid's been hot. Tell you that right now. Wow.

The taquito's really hitting you. We'll go a little more moderate jack for being the boys. What were you doing with a can? I was just trying to make a, like a Puerto Rican drink. Was there coconut milk? Was there beans involved? I don't understand. Coconut milk, condensed milk.

It all comes in a can. Yeah, so you were opening the can. I dropped the can. It sliced my finger. It ruined Thanksgiving dinner. It got all blood all over everything that we had been cooking all day. Did you try it?

Oh, really? Oh, it was a squirter. Did anybody eat it? Still or no? No, no, we had to get rid of everything. It's not true blood. That condensed milk, though. Let me tell you something.

That condensed milk, you could drink it out of the can. I don't even, I've never even fucked with it. Oh, it's like if milk was a candy. Do you ever have like a Thai tea or anything like that? Or Vietnamese iced tea? I'm American, baby. Straight up the middle. Give me the four C's, and that's it.

I get skim milk at Dunkin' Donuts. It's like the National Anthem and I leave. I'm a Starbucks guy. You need a Thai tea. You haven't lived unless you had a Thai tea. I don't know. Yeah, I don't fuck with it. I haven't ventured.

I'm still in America when it comes to food. Thai tea, I'm not doing that. I don't like Thai food. You're killing our overseas markets here. I don't think we're big in Thailand. Whatever. Next question. This one.

Could be action heroes. We start doing fucking commercials like Vinnie Chase. For all we know. All right, this is from Ben. Did you or anyone in your family ever own one of those touch-activated lamps? I don't even know what that is.

Oh, touch-activated. Yeah, when you touch it, it goes on. Like, it turns on and then turns back. I thought that was pretty class. I hate to say. I was going to say that was too rich for us. That's what I... But this, looking back now with some perspective,

they're super trashy. No, wait, are you not talking about the round ones that like, it looks like a button that goes in the closet that runs on batteries, right? The tablets? Yeah. That was how what you have in your house? Maybe.

It's your chandeliers, just a bunch of those. We didn't have the touch ones. We had the ones that you could clap, though, the even trash. That was a device. The fact that you think that was the lamp is scary. That was a device that was plugged into the wall. That was just our electric going out.

We didn't pay the bill. Yeah, it's so weird. The lights always shut off on the 15th for some reason. We must be clapping a lot. My mom and stepdad had to clapper in their bedroom up until... It still might even be there now, I think about it, but up until three years ago.

Up until they started fucking and the lights would go on and off. It's like a rave in there. Pink guys in there killing it. Dude, that's... I was literally about to ask if anyone had a clapper and I was like, no one had a clapper. Yeah, we have one.

I mean, it's probably still plugged into the wall. Everybody got one of those for Christmas in 1988. Everybody. Doesn't matter who you are. You got one. Everybody got one. Now, those lights on the other hand, I started seeing those maybe early 90s in my cousin's house who had a little bit more kids.

The touch ones. Yeah, it was like a nice desk. Those were fucking insane. I thought they were just... Talking about in their team with a little fat kid. This is why I think they're trashy, because it's not that... It's not classy.

I think it is. That's what I'm saying, but we're trash, so we think that. We're going, oh, that's nice. Well, what would be... It's just a touch thing. No, it's for sure trashy. I agree with you.

But they're nice lamps. They're the classy of the trashy, yes. I've seen them in like a lamp that could just easily have one of those things in it. It was just as nice. I understand that they look the same. Yeah. Yeah, but I said, you're not going over

like some rich person's house and walking up to the lamp and doing this. No one's ever had to tap their lamp in a mansion. Yes, thank you. No, absolutely not. No, they got the faders. Yes, exactly. They have the dimmers.

We're on their fucking phones now. We just got those downstairs. They have rich people of lights. Now you're walking around and you're like, Siri, turn on all the fucking lights. Yeah. Siri, set the mood and it'll go down low. They have the whole thing.

Growing up, we had the slider in one room. That would... And we viewed that as like fan... We're like, well, this is where a company can see. So they have one slider in the living room. So put it down so they can see the carpets are dirty. There was dog piss and shit stains all over that carpet, dude.

Shout out to Rusty. Dead cat in the corner. Yeah, go. Man, that's fucking funny. I don't know, man. I think that's pretty classy. They're not. They're trashy, dude.

They're trashy, for sure. Take, where would you buy them now? That's what I'm saying. I could see... You weren't buying them. Goodwill. Yes, exactly. You don't like getting a nice one out of home goods?

Home goods ain't classy. Home goods is just all... Oh, what? Are you out of your fucking mind? Goods is not classy. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Dude, home goods is all shit.

They didn't sell a bedbath and beyond. It's a TJ Maxx. No, they're unique pieces. It's literally attached to a TJ Maxx. In my hometown, you had to leave out of the same exit. Same thing, yeah, same thing. It's the same store. Yeah, they just...

Yes, it's trash. Saying home goods is fancy is like saying IKEA is fancy. Yes. Is it time for a commercial? One time I insulted someone and it went into their nice place. I was like, this is nice. It was like, I was 20. I was like, this looks like an IKEA.

And he was like, well, we bought really expensive furniture, but thank you. Oh, I thought that was expensive furniture. It's still... When I say... You guys got a Bob's around here? Holy shit. I still be like, yeah, we got the couch at IKEA.

Like that is fancier to me in my dirtball head. It is still like a badge of honor. I mean, we did get it from the unbox. There's an unbox. Craigslist, but thank you. No, there is a section... My space marketplace. There is a section in IKEA where it's like loose stuff.

Like stuff that's either been returned. The island of unwanted toys. Yes, or like the box is open. And we've definitely got... We got that couch from there. Yeah. That's a really nice couch. Well, let me ask you this.

So if you're telling me home goods is no good, which I think they have great stuff there. Plus they're trash. You're all so trash. That's what you have to zoom out of it. I'm saying they're no good. Yeah, but it's not up... Rich people aren't shopping there.

Rich people are going to like West. I think it's called West Elm. West Elm. West Elm, all right. Restoration hardware, a lot of cash. If you're shopping there, that's a lot of... Couple bucks, huh? The couch has to be over 1500 for it to be a fancy place.

The pillows have to be $60 each. I feel like you can easily find a 1500 on a couch at home goods with a grill in it. And a clapper. Got a cooler under the seat. Yeah, you lift it up. There's a six pack holder. Speakers in it.

Yeah, that shit never worked. Did your couch recline as a kid? Like did you have like the... Our parents always went... See, the thing is my... Do you have brothers and sisters? I have three sisters. I'm the oldest.

And my stepdad, his parents were classier than us. They were like the classy family. And what they would do is they would always... But I've seen him with the long hair and the... No, I mean, he's not. Okay. He looks very my stepdad, by the way. Yeah, he's very my stepdad.

Yeah. He looks like he could have been a peanut butter falcon or something. I don't know what that is, but I agree with you. What you guys, what's the movie? You're going to love that one. Should I have to shyle the buff? So his parents were... They would give us their furniture.

Ah, it's awesome. So we always got like their really nice shit. And he was... He's the favorite child out of their three kids. So we got like their fancy entertainment center. We had their fancy couch. We even had the recliner with the... Now we have the recliner with the USB,

where you could charge your phone in it. I feel like that's trash. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I feel that's trash. No, that's just fire. Look, no. You're going to shit on home goods. She's got a massage chair from a car wash in her house.

I didn't say we're the fucking Kardashians. Is the entertainment center still there? Yeah, and it's so nice. It's a huge... What's in it? It's a huge wooden entertainment center. It's a bunch of DVDs that nobody watches. It's like, and it's even got like hidden,

like it looks like a column and you like pull it out. It's just a hidden drawer of DVDs. At one point in my sisters... I know that, I know that entertainment center. Yes, you do. It's where Tony Soprano kept the AR-15. What's that? He opens it up and you're like, what the fuck?

Yes. There's a grenade in there. What's sad is we had those things, but we never had the CD... We never had the CD volume to pull it off. So it even looked worse. You'd open it and it'd fall over because there wasn't enough standing up.

You had to put them on the bottom. Put a basketball next to it. You have to lay them down so you can't even see the title when you open it. Oh, the CD rack. Man, that was something. We had a big one. It was a big wooden one.

Like TV in the middle of the two big wooden tower. It was like fucking nine feet tall or whatever. And there was for sure time periods where there was glass doors with the shelves and the shelves were just empty. You know what I mean? There was just no... They were for a radio or whatever, but we... The China cabinet in your house is a little suspect too.

China cabinet's a wow closet. That's a white trash thing. Is it? Yeah, that's not Hispanic trash. Is it? No China cabinets. I don't think we do China as much. We don't fuck with China like that.

We have some. It's just also, you know... Yours is real Mitch Matt. And I think there's a couple of bar glasses in there too. Oh, well, the one in the kitchen? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's... You have two China cabinets?

Yeah, we have a little bit of cat. He's got one... Yeah, but he's got one in the kitchen. It's not a cat. It's like a little too big. It kind of like... It kind of leans over the doorway a little bit. Looks like they're still moving in.

We're not quite sure where to put it. That one's more like every day just like... Because they won't get rid of anything. So like... There's like post-it notes and shit in there. They're boncos, man. Pill boncos. There's like...

And I don't know what they're... We're garbage. I don't know what to tell you. We're garbage with some money. Have any of you ever owned anything from Sharper Image? That's rich to me. Yes, I don't... That's rich though.

Oh, it's trash. I know we have. That is Sky Mall. Dude, if you're ordered out of Sky Mall, fucking... Keep it. We got near Sharper Image. My dad slapped our hands. Don't fucking touch anything.

Yeah. My mom... We were Radio Shack family. Oh, Radio Shack for life. That's where I got my metal detector. Shout out. You get all your electric ashtrays you want in there, but stay in a Sharper Image.

No, sir. That's like Brookstones or whatever it's called. Brook's brother? I don't know anything with Brooks. We don't... We don't fuck with it. We are not a Brook family. I can't afford to go see the Brooks.

You know Brookstones? I've heard of it. It's like a fancy fucking... Isn't it where they sell massage chairs and shit? Stuff like that. Yeah. Like 400-hour drums. This is how trashy we are.

We don't even know what they sell. She's like... Massage chairs? I'm like, I think so. No, I think that's the place we used to just go in and get massages for a few minutes and then leave. Hey, I'll be back. I'm going to the spa today.

No, I think that legitimately my mom would be like, we can stay here for 45 minutes till they kick us out. I'm like, okay. Well, that sounds like a great massage. Yeah. It's like a Sharper Image type stuff. Do you remember getting kicked out of places when you were a kid because of your mom?

Hey, no loitering. Because of your parents. Yeah. Has that ever happened? Yeah, probably. It sounds familiar. I think I've blocked it all out. I get...

I have like a trauma of being embarrassed as an adult. Like I don't like fucking being embarrassed. That's why I had to stop stealing because I can't stand the thought of being arrested. I got you. And my parents were always kicked out of places. Oh my God, man. Restaurants?

I'm giving me anxiety. I'm sure. My mom, we... When I was back home, we went... I had a show in Orlando and her and my aunt came out. And they were like, let's go to this. All you can eat lobster place. We used to go to when we were little.

That's never a good sign. All you can eat lobster. Talk about a red flag. What the fuck? Well, I don't know if I said this on the last podcast. The same lobster place what they used to do when me and my cousin were kids. Me and my cousin were nine months apart.

So we... And my moms were both single moms. So we grew up together. World trashy stuff. I got you. So two sisters raising their kids. You guys live together? Yeah.

Ooh, that's awesome. Yeah. And so my mom and our sister would be fist fighting. And me and my cousin would be fist fighting. It was all so trashy. Wait, really? Yes. Because they were like 20 years old with kids.

Oh my God. That's awesome. And living together. So they'd be fighting me and my cousin would fight. But then there'd be times where my mom and my aunt would go to this. All you can eat lobster place. And they didn't want to take us

because it was too expensive to take the whole family. So they would literally, before they left, they would line their purses with aluminum foil. And they would go to the All You Can Eat Lobster Place and they would stuff like five or six lobster into their bag. Then they'd eat a couple real quick, check out, and then come home and make potatoes and corn. And make a dinner with them.

And then make a dinner with the lobster. Let me tell you something right now. Those are two good moms right there. Fucking doing what they had to do. They did. I fucking respect them. Yeah. They could have fucking iced this completely.

They could have just enjoyed the lobster. They're fucking bringing it back to the fam. I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't go inside that. Could you imagine getting pinched for that? Fucking the purse line. You got an aquarium in your purse when you're walking out.

They smelled so bad coming in that house. It smelled so fucking bad. And they would have specific purses for that. Yeah, you can't take that to home. All You Can Eat purses. They're ice purses. So we went back there for the first time since I was a kid. And my mom was like, it's the best.

Do they have All You Can Eat Lobster? This place. And you've never been there. I'd never physically been inside. This is like Disney World. You've had the last. It was only a rumor. I've only heard of the place.

It does exist. It had a giant lobster on top of a car in the front of it. It's like that kind of trash. Oh my god, dude. That is a big giveaway. It was like a big wagon with a huge lobster. That it's not fresh lobster. No.

I think they use pieces of that lobster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting some day-olds. I walked in and this place looks so fucking disgusting. Of course. It looks so fucking disgusting. This is COVID era. I walk in.

It looks so nasty. There's not much food. They're charging us $65, $70. Was there a lobster tank? No. Oh. Get out. That's the version of a underground pool in the back.

You got to pick your own, you know? Playing Marco Polo with a lobster. We're in a lobster. They ain't here yet. What the fuck are you talking about? There's no tank. I'm gone. The way that I watch my mother change

into a different person, because the thing is, it's $65. We have a two-hour limit. So for some reason in a bird head- Anywhere you're going somewhere with a time limit is fucking trash. Now $65, you got at least the two lobsters for that to be financially sound.

Well, you probably get other stuff other than lobster, too. Right. There's other stuff. They load you up on bread. They probably drop a big basket of bread or something. Oh, no. Not our family.

We were like, don't save the bread. Stop talking. We got to go. Did the time start. Like, it was like an Olympic sport. You guys are tying your shoes. Yeah, my mom and Anna are putting their hair up. It's like supermarket sweeps for dirtbags.

Which is already for dirtbags. Get the tight boots. Y'all, I would fucking kill supermarket sweeps. Oh, it looks so fun. Oh. Well, I found out it wasn't a real grocery store. I was crushed. So my mom is eating lobster faster

than I've ever seen anyone eat. I had this guy that I was dating with me and she was cracking them so fast that he was getting the lobsters juices on his face. She was aggressively eating lobster. And then she'd tell my aunt, like, get up, get up. I have to go get my next one. And it became this huge thing.

It was like this race. At one point, she was like, I've had six already. Six lobsters? Dude, on her seventh, I caught her at the buffet. She's got tentacles. That's too much mercury. On her seventh lobster tail, I caught her at the buffet. There's no one in this place.

There's no rush. She is standing in front of the dude that, like, because it's a buffet, but it's COVID, so they have to actually put it on a plate. You ask for what you want now. And she's standing in front of the dude and she's chanting while he's picking up the lobster. The biggest one.

The biggest one. And this dude just fucking hates his life. It was so embarrassing. That's insane. She was chanting the biggest one. And then she made me take a slow-mo video of her eating a lobster because she thought it was going to be sexy

and it was not. It's really bad. Yikes. Oh, did my mom ever ask me to take a slow-mo video of her doing anything? I'm fucking emancipating myself. I don't care if she's reading poetry. I'm broadening it all.

I'll fucking lose it. Well, she would have looked good if it wasn't for the goggles and the headband. Are we wearing lobster bibs at this point? Yes. Does it matter? I mean, she's fucking, she's chanting at an all-you-can-eat lobster buffet

with a car with a lobster on the front. At one point, she's bragging to the server whenever he comes by. She's like, I've already had six. And I was like, stop. You're going to get fired. She's sweating. There's lobster meat all over her face.

I'm going to own this place. She's like the opposite of David Portnoy. She's just sinking small business. He's done lobster. People never saw me coming. I was already at six and stole 12 lemons. Oh, she does that too. She'll do the lemon and the sugar to make lemonade.

Really? Absolutely. Play out some different times. And I'm just like, I tell her, I'm like, I'll just buy the lemonade. That's what's two weeks ago. I'll buy the lemonade. Yeah.

Can you stop? But I'll tell you what, for all her flaws, all right, you got to remember, she brought that fucking lobster back for you. It's a warm moment. No matter what, they brought it back. I'll never forgive it. They could have stayed there, got banged up,

fucking met some dudes, went off, whatever. No, they wanted to get back to the kids. They wanted to bring their kid that cold, probably. It couldn't have been good. Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah. I mean, that wasn't refrigerated on the way home. They're fucking my happy father.

How far away was it? I don't know. Like an hour? Maybe. About 40 minutes. It'd be worse if you look closer. Without traffic. Yeah, 40 minutes.

Hopefully they hurried. Jesus. Yeah. Man. You can tell this is a hot episode. We've only gotten to fucking two questions so far. She's the garbage queen, man. She really is.

I know, really, really, really is. Yeah, we got to put you and KCB in the Thunderdome face-off. Yeah, KCB was super fucking trashed, too. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just waiting for your mom's foot to come in, whatever. What?

I don't know. All right, this is from Joe. This guy was cool a minute ago. I'm up and down. I'm so hung over. This is from Joe. Were you born anywhere other than a hospital? We're hospital people.

My whole family. I'm a hospital bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Toby? Home birth. You were on. No.

I was going to say. I can really see that. Home birth, home school. Fucking midwife in a kiddie pool over here. You know now they're teaching women how to have orgasms while they give birth to make it pleasurable and so painful. That's got to do something to the kid.

That kid ain't coming out right. Imagine coming out and your mom's come. Oh. Ew. Well, I mean, you're already in a bunch of other stuff. I mean, it's like. Yeah, but still. But still, the purpose of it, why you came out.

You're just in her jizz. Who's teaching that? I saw that on YouTube. I saw like Tom Brokaw covered it. You make it sound like it was a master class. Man, it's Kevin Spacey. It's weird. I saw it on YouTube.

I'm Dame Judy Dench and I'm here to teach you to come while you give birth to your baby. I read it in an article. It was a meme. It was a meme. It was a meme in a QAnon group. An article nonetheless. It was published somewhere.

Reptilian Weekly. Oh, man. This one is a fucking homerun. And I never thought. Sometimes they just fucking hit the nail on the head. That one was pretty good. They're fucking great. They're really getting good at these.

This is from Ian. I love how they just write it as us. You ever buy candy from a place you know you're not supposed to like a staples or a Ross or something? Hey, the candy at the line at TJ Maxx hits different. Anytime I'm in a staples. It's movie candy. They don't fuck around.

Anytime I'm in a staples, I'm like, for some reason that bag of jolly ranchers looks fucking fantastic. Dude, because I listen. I know exactly what you're talking about. Okay. And as a critical lifelong fat kid, here's the thing. You go into stores like that and your brain is fucking

conditioned for there to be a fucking coke freezer in the front and some kind of fucking candy, like a butterfinger, some skittles. Something. Something should be there, but for a long time it wasn't. That's what I'm saying. I think when you're in staples, you're not thinking about candy.

And then you see candy and you go, oh, great. Like, I didn't know I could get it. No, I'm saying you expect it to be there, but it isn't there. And you know, when they got wise, what they started doing first, they started dropping those big things of fucking twizzlers. And that's when it started to turn around.

Oh, yeah. Next thing you know, they got hot dogs in there. It's fucking awesome. America was back. Oh, the best. Those big things of twizzlers ain't nothing to shake a stick at either. The single Johns.

I don't fuck with twizzlers. What? No. They taste like candle wax. What do you love? Any kind of licorice? No. Really?

She does have a refined palate. I'm a little classier than I am. What's crazy is she must have used the spoon. I tried to swirl my slurpee, but nothing moved. She's so good that she made me feel bad for that. I don't know why. Like, wait a minute. She is diabolical.

She's getting drawn butter from her mom's purse. Let's see what else I brought in here for you boys. Sushi out of my clutch. All right. This is from Ben. Is it garbage to combine the leftovers of two different bags of frozen products, i.e. fries or tots, if you don't have enough in one bag to make a full portion?

So if you're eating like half curly fries, half tater tots. You're a genius. Yeah. It's true. It's trashy though because they're typically always freezer burn too. So bad. The way that I thought the freezer burn

was an actual flavor growing up. Really? I was like, I hate when she buys this brand. You just thought that's how Purdue made them. That's fucking garbage. Holy shit. I'll say this though. I think it's garbage to not use them all in one sitting.

When are you not knocking through a box? It's when people need to save a little bit. That is garbage. When people need to save a little bit of food. I do that. Well, you always cook it because we don't want the freezer burn thing in there because then fucking, then you put something else in there,

then you're knocking over the tater tots and little pieces are falling out everywhere. Well, I think it's like that big bag of tater tots. You do the whole bag. Unless you're buying yourself. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How big are these bags? Your family's buying the big taters.

Yeah, like multiple portions. Oh, when you were a kid, they were probably buying chicken fingers. They were buying Tyson fucking tenders. What were the ones? Tasty fries? Do you remember Tasty Fries? What am I, an asshole?

Do you remember Chicken Fries? From Burger King? Burger King? I mean, I had them like a couple of weeks ago and they're not as good as they used to be. Really? Yeah. When they first dropped, they were fucking something else.

They're not as good anymore. Are you trying not to hiccup right now? It came out. I love it. All right. This one's from Josh. Did you ever think convertibles were for rich people? Yes.

Right? For sure did and kind of still do. Yeah. My mom got a seedbring, a red seedbring convertible and I literally thought we were like, we were the Kennedys. Yeah. I'm like, this is fucking, we are rich people. Was this manual or automatic, the top coming down?

Because the crank, cranking down the lines. I didn't even know that was a wrench. Who even got that for? Yeah. That means you would have to know somebody that had a convertible. No, we had, it was the button. When you hit the button, I felt like a transformer, dude.

I was like, I'm fucking killing it. A turd pops up. I got to a Mustang a few months ago and the chick was like, we'll put the top down and then she had to hand crank it. I was like, this is no good. This is guilty. The convertible Mustang in general is fucking garbage.

It's so garbage. That's gym teacher shit right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gym teacher shit. But a convertible is actually when you get in one and say if you had, it was probably brutal in the winter, wasn't it? Because that shit don't do nothing for you.

Yeah, no, it was cold. Yeah. Cold. A leak every now and then, too. That fake rear window, that's not its plastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a tough look. Nope.

I'll take a moon roof any day. What were your family cars growing up? Um, growing up, we had a... An 84 Lobster. Damn, I can't remember. They were never great cars, though. I mean... I'm picturing there was a Nissan probably

thrown in there somewhere. There was definitely a Nissan. We had a Nissan. We had a... In high school, I drove an Astro. What's that? The Vans. You drove an Astro van?

You know what they are. Who are you? I drove an Astro van. What color was it? It was like a beige. Dude, those things always... Those things always smelled like rotten eggs. Every single one of them.

We were coaching Little League at the time. What are you talking about? Why would you be driving that? Because it was my parents' car and they let me have it. This thing? What one? That. Yes, that's what I drove in high school.

Are you fucking kidding me? I'd pull up to my high school on that. Oh my God. I'm surprised you were allowed on school property with that thing. That's pedophile. It was actually fun because I surfed in high school and we took all the seats out and we'd put surfboards in. There you go.

That is pretty cool. That is a fun... That's a fun high school car. Now we're talking, all right. We'd smoke in the back, you know. It was like the cool children. The tank tank. You have to make it...

You have to be cool or you fucking suck. You have to be cool and let your friends fuck back there or like you're going to be a loser in the game. You can't take that seriously. What color was yours? That color. That color? That's what I was rolling up in.

With those tents in the rears? Yeah. That's actually pretty hot right there. But that's a drawl. That's... I mean, that's a real picture of it, let's be honest. That's like... Yeah, it looks like this one more than that one.

This one's got a little fucking spark. This is a drawl. It's got 20 twos on it. Yeah, this is a fucking... That drawn one's like the 18th man. I like how they put this one out in the desert. That's because I got stuck there. There's a couple of dead bodies in there.

They found the driver a mile dead with a gunshot wound in the back of his head. Yeah, we had that. We had... God, just some shitty cars. You said enough, don't worry. I mean, you were driving an AstraVan to school. I don't think you were in any BMWs.

Does your family have... I'm curious, I just... I picture it. Do they have any of those three-wheel things with the two wheels in the front, one in the back? No, but when we see one, the way that they like... That was the funniest answer to that question. Wow, that's good.

What are these days? They get excited when they see them. Basically, you want to know, like, that is badass. Yeah, they're taking pictures. They like using the word badass a lot. They're like, look at that. That's badass. Jesus.

That's so fucking funny. That's a new level of trash. They don't have them, but they do get excited when they see it. Wow. What do you think your folks would be like if they had tomorrow they hit the lottery unlimited? I don't know. It would take a while.

Three-wheelers for everybody. I have no idea. It wouldn't be good. It wouldn't be good. I tell my family, like, I feel like, thank God, I started doing stand-up and got out because I come back and I'm like, wow, I really was impressed by this shit,

like, three years ago. Yeah. Like, three years ago, I would have been like, look at that three-wheel thing. Yeah, that's so badass. Oh, God, no. Too funny. All right, this one, I mean, this is just funny.

This isn't even a real question. Ever listen to ACDC on a speedboat? Yes. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you were a boat family growing it. There was one.

You showed up. I think you showed us the one in your backyard or something. Yeah, we had two in the yard. Both of them don't work. Well, that's pretty good. That takes a little bit of cash. Two non-working boats in your backyard? It's bad when they're not in the water in Florida.

Every year, when they got their taxes back, they bought another broken boat, I swear. But they had something in the water, I would imagine. Somehow, we always got in the water. It would break down for a little bit while we were out there, and then we'd figure out how to get back. That's a poor person boat. You know how many times you're out there,

and then you're like, ah, the prop fell off or whatever. Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah, all the time. I would freak the fuck out. Last time we were on the boat, I watched when I stepped down. Throw the anchor in, not tied to anything. I just watched it go to the bottom. My mom was like, you fucking idiot.

He was diving in the water looking for it. It was so bad. Really? I was like, you're not going to be able to get it back up. That's scary. That's crazy. Holy shit, I was lost in there. Damage of some poor guy.

And I think the last thing he said to my mom was like, I can picture him, too, because I've seen him. And he's like, and he's kind of a know-it-all. You know, he doesn't let my mom get a word in, even though she's usually right. And I think the last thing he was like, don't tell me how to run my throat, Mary. For sure was.

Don't tell me how to run my throat, Mary. Like it's a cruise ship. It's like a three-people drunk on a pontoon. It was a pontoon. Of course it was. Below deck. We bring three speakers. They're all dead.

I'm like, why do we have three and they're all dead? He's like, well, this one doesn't work. I'm like, then throw it away. Wait, how's this? They keep things that are broken. That's a trashy thing, too. If something breaks, then you always have the thought that you're going to just fix it yourself.

Also, in your head, you're going, well, this is technology. It's valuable. I can't throw this out. Right. How's the speaker dead? I don't understand. Like a Bluetooth speaker. Oh, OK.

Yeah, it doesn't come with a sound system. No, that's broken, too. I mean, when I went back home, I was shocked to see how many things like, my stepdad has a nice job. He works for the government. He gets paid very well. And I'm like, why am I opening the dryer with a sandwich knife? Is that what you have to do?

Yes, you have to stick it in the crack and like, because the handle broke. It's not about money. It's instinct. It's what she decided. It's just DNA. Yeah. For some reason, the locks are backwards in the house.

I love it. So they lock like, you can get locked in the house. If you don't have a key. If there's a fire, everyone's dead. That's some real dirtball shit. Here at the Congdans, they're locked in the house. It's a nightmare. Somebody called a mayor.

The Congdans got locked in the house again. There's a grievous. We've got to get to the lobster place. You're a stepdad throwing it in the anchor. No, we don't. I have it right here. Check my purse. I've never heard of that shit.

That's nuts. You've got to break out of your house. Yeah, that's crazy. That's something else. That's trashy. And I've been to people's places where their sockets were upside down, or like they were installed wrong,

or like the light switch goes sideways. You ever seen that? The fuck are we? I don't know. Fucking spaceship or something? I hate seeing something that's one of my things from like my childhood. Seeing something that's fixable just be broken.

That's a lot of my house. Yeah. And like you just see someone that has like a light bulb out in their kitchen. Just keep it moving. It's for a month. And it's like, it takes you two seconds. Just fix the fucking light bulb.

That's our house. Can't fight city hall. Can't get these permits folded. Oh my god. All right, let's do one more here. Yes. Fantastic. Maybe two.

All right, this is from Brian. Shout out to Brian Rizzy, who sent us a very nice fucking, he sent us a state quarters. Ah, thank you Rizzy. The 50 state quarter collection. And what else did he send? I'm upset at how much this looks like my home. Yeah, yeah.

This is all shit from our, we went back to our parents' house and just took all this shit from our parents' house. Wow. He says, how far away is acceptable, acceptable, and we've touched on this, how far away is acceptable to push your cart into the corral? Like if you're at a target and you have the car

and you're in the parking lot. Dude, that's a fucking, that's a chip shot. Where will you leave the cart in the parking lot? Anywhere. As long as it crosses that line, it's a touchdown, baby. Fuck that. Well, you like put the two front wheels on a curb

so it stays there. I always put it back, shockingly. You put it back in the corral. I fix it because you're a nice person. But you just throw it in there. You don't line it up and fucking change the oil and shit like that. No, I just throw it in there.

But I make sure it's in there nicely. Yeah, it's back home. I try to make it easy for the people. The rest of my family just will let, my mom will let it go and just watch it roll into the fucking highway. I'm like, you know, it's going to scratch someone's car. Before you leave, do you wipe it for prints?

No. Can't let anybody know I was here. Set it on fire. We actually have a shopping cart at our house. Oh, that was always a tough look. You go somewhere, there was like a Home Depot fucking shopping cart at someone's house. How did you get this?

How'd you get this home? Who touched you? Yeah, something's wrong. I always got scared when we were driving on the highway and you'd see a shopping cart like off to the side on the shoulder. Yeah. You're like, what happened to the shopper?

Take their Sony food left. Mom, pull over. All right, this is from Alex. Shout out to Alex. Have you or a family member ever been to a demolition derby? Yeah. Yeah. She answered that like she was in college.

Have you ever been in one? No, but that's what we used to do is like a family. We used to go watch the monster truck rallies. Where do you live in Florida again? Like Central Florida. Not the nice part. Not Miami. Central Florida.

But you're near the water. Yeah. We're about 20 minutes away from the water. We're close to Orlando. In between Orlando and the beach. So you kind of have the beach and you have that kind of side of Florida, but then you also have... Yeah.

I mean, we're 20 minutes away from like rich people, but we live in like, like I said, my parents love well water. Well, well water we found out. We thought was trashy, but it's very classy. I don't think it's Florida. I don't think so. It doesn't smell classy. It smells...

It's supposedly... Horrible. You get out of the shower, you smell like eggs. Oh, God. And nobody in my house... No. Nobody in my house smells it anymore. I'm like, what's going on?

Yeah. You can't come in. I specifically bought a house in the part of the town that still has well water. And I'm like, why? What was his reasoning? I don't know. He's an idiot.

No, there must be some old school reason for you. Maybe he saved 50 bucks. But I'm like, but I'm like, you should have just bought a house where you could have nice water. Wouldn't you want... And now every week he has to go to Publix, he has to fill up one of those water things.

They have the water like that office water dispenser. Wait, what? I was like, you can't drink it? No, you can't drink it. Wait, like state mandate? You can't drink well water? You can't drink that water. Is it sulfur water?

You live... Hold on. You live in a house where you can't drink the water? No. That's it. Jesus Christ. No, you can't drink the water. Give her something.

Do we have a trophy or something hanging around here? I'll take the rest of your slurpee. Are you kidding me? Yeah. You can't drink the water. Where is it, Mars? What the fuck's going on? Dude, I don't know.

There's something. It smells so rancid. It is insane. It smells like eggs. It smells like, you know, when you make eggs and it sticks on your hands, like that smell? That's what you smell like when you leave, after you're soaked.

That's the clean way to smell. So that's what my buddy's astro vein smelled like growing up. What about to brush your teeth? You use that water, yeah. You use the well water. Okay, so... But you're drinking water.

I think you're in the Dominican Republic. Nobody's drinking the water. I've never seen anybody drink the water, even from a hose or whatever. So where does he go to Publix's grocery store, right? Yeah. So he goes to buy or they have a water station there? They have a water station.

Oh, for free? No, he pays and gets us filled up a couple times a week. It's a big hassle. Sometimes nobody goes, so there's just no water in the house for a few days. Dude, that's like dystopian. What the fuck is going on? It's insane to me.

That's crazy. I mean, I would have specifically paid more money for a house to live in a place where I could get clean water. I'll give the money to not live in a house. Forget about the locks on the windows or whatever you were talking about. That's fucking bonkers. It's so bad.

Imagine locking yourself in a house where you can't drink the water. That is the epitome of trash. Somebody open the door and bring us the water. Thank God we got three days of water left. No, you don't. It was rough. Damn.

Shit, Kim. Yeah. That's hardcore. Yeah. Well water. Well, you're out. You're doing great. There's nothing like trying to boil water to make rice

and you're using bottled water. You're just doing one bottle at a time, then throwing it out, and then like, it's like, that's a tough one. Wasteful. That's not even, that's surviving. That's like, you're like, that's like man versus wild. Yeah, it's like Chernobyl.

Jesus Christ, Kim. Yeah. So make sure you subscribe to my Twitch. Yeah, make sure you get a well of your own. I had a hard life. Also, all right, I have one more. This is, I don't know, not a lot of, I didn't know about a friend of mine's family

had one. This is from Sean. Has anyone in your family owned a Pizzazz? I don't even know what that is. What's that? No, but I won't. I thought that was a personality type. Do you know what a Pizzazz is?

Dog, the Pizzazz is the most versatile cooking instrument ever to see. This will change your life. I thought it was like moxie. There's like a fucking super hot heat lamp under here and this thing spins. It's a turning pizza oven. And you can put frozen mozzarella sticks,

frozen any, you can, it cooks anything. Cooks it perfect. We have one, but it's called the heat wave. Okay. That sounds trashier, but I like it. It's got like a lid. And on the underside of the lid, it's got the heat lamp.

And so you put the lid on top of the tray and it heats. Okay. I don't see it though. But all right, same concept. You describe it like a chicken incubator? Yes, that's exactly what it looks like. It looks like a chicken incubator. It works incredibly.

Oh, new wave, N-U-W-A-V. I was gonna say, nothing was coming. I was trying to cosign. I'm like, nothing's coming up on a heat wave, but it looks nice. Yeah, I made it up. I'm lying. I'm a millionaire.

It's just a bunch of German pop songs. New wave oven? Let's try that. The pizzazz is the best. This thing? Oh, this looks medical. It's incredible. This looks like it sterilizes things.

I, listen, you bite an ace, apparently. You can only get it at, you can only get it at a hardware store. For all your fine color. It is incredible. I think everyone should own one of these. That thing looks weird. That's so nice.

Is that Wuhan got started? I don't want to see my food as it's cooking like that. I don't want to be able to see it from all angles. Keeps running up against the glass. That's it. Wrap it up. If it's permanent, you can pick the sex of your baby. I like the one on the left.

We're breeding clones into well. You know, you know, it was one thing though that I didn't want to mention that I do because of trash, because I grew up trashy. Please. Is whenever I go out to eat, even if I'm still hungry, I'll save half the meal for later. Isn't that so poor?

Really? If I'm like not full, I'll be like, you know what, let me just cut it in half so that I can have dinner later. And I can afford my dinners now. I respect that, though. But in my head, I'm like, oh, I can make one meal into two. There are, there are, there are good traits from garbage. Like what you said about your mom and the lobster.

We touched on it several times. And doing something like that, you know what I mean? It makes you appreciate, because you appreciate it. Right. Man, it's pretty good. Look at that. You're not just having fun here, we're growing. And we're learning.

Kim Congdon, everybody. Kim's doing anything you want the folks out there that know you got coming up, lay it on them. Oh yeah. Hit them with everything. Of course. You guys can follow me on Twitter, at Kimberly Congdon. You can follow me on TikTok and Instagram, at Kim Congdon.

Check me out on twitch.tv slash queencong1. That's C-O-N-G-1. And you can subscribe for free on Amazon Prime. And please, please, please check out my podcast, Broad Topics, T-O-P-I-X. It's available anywhere you find podcast, YouTube, iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, or on the Gas Digital Network.

Absolutely fantastic. What an episode. What a time. Funny. Fucking great. Thank you, guys. Fantastic. Kicking where you got from.

As always, please make sure you rate, and you subscribe on iTunes, YouTube, and Patreon. Also, guys, important information about the live shows. I will be fat at YouTube. And I'll be bald. We did add, we added a third show in Chicago. So get those fucking tickets. That's probably going to sell out, too.

We added a second show in Atlantic City. That's probably going to fucking sell out. So get those tickets, baby. Let's go, gang. Also, Indy, the same week as Chicago June 23rd, I believe. So get those tickets as well. Also, Boston, Rhode Islander on sale. We have some more Jersey and Baltimore dates coming up as well.

They're out. We're coming. Get ticks. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Peace.