Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kim Congdon Returns!

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Kim Congdon! You know Kim from stand up comedy, The Joe Rogan Experience, Kill Tony, Your Moms House, the Honeydew podcast, The Danny Brown Show, and her podcast the Kim Congdon Take Over! Make sure to check out her new special "Childless Milf" OUT NOW! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! Through the Roof Tour: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Mando: https://shopmando.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, the boys are hitting the road for the Route 66 Tour. Just a good old-fashioned American road trip. USA, USA! We're starting in Chicago, heading to Los Angeles, and stopping everywhere in between. What's more American than the gosh darn Grand Canyon? Or the world's largest bottle of ketchup? We're gonna be doing shows in Chicago, St. Louis, Tulsa,

Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, Flagstaff, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles. All tickets available at areugarbage.com. See you there. Kierke, Flagstaff, Las Vegas and Los Angeles, all tickets available at rugarbage.com. See you there. Gang, real quick, let's talk about Mint Mobile, baby. Let's face facts, you're paying too much for your phone bill.

Mint Mobile, plan starting at $15 a month on the nation's largest 5G network. Yeah, when you purchase a three month plan, that's more money in your pocket for the big summer vacation, or you go down to shore and get drunk for two days. That's what I would do. How you doing? Mint Mobile, we've been saying it for years. My wife's been using it. It's a fantastic product. The services may be inexpensive but it's not cheap. All plans

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New customers on a first three month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See, MinMobile for details, let's, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See me mobile for details. Now let's get to the show. Get to the show. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians

are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.

We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She just picked up a new four wheeler. Okay, you run around with the kids in the city All right away from the cops popping wheelies doing it my coach coming at you for my next to me slightly amused this week He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and unfortunately my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan What up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you you subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube, as you know those numbers are.

Twitter of. Cookin'. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash rugorvich. Gang, check it out. It's a gosh darn party over there. Yes, sir. And how about a nice shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire.

The old magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours. He does it all, ladies. Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins. Toby McMullen, everybody. What up, boys? What up, T-Bone? I'm stoked.

Talk about someone you see coming your way, and you know you got good times coming, dude. Yeah. I put my hand on my wallet when I see her. Well, she does train jujitsu, so she will choke you out. I already have your wallet. Hide your chains, all. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have

our incredibly special guest back with us again today. She's family at this point. You know her, you love her. She has a new show out on Netflix, The Magic Prank Show with Justin Willman. And she also has a brand new special over there on YouTube, Childless Milk. Give it up for Kim Cogden.

Oh, thank you. There she is. Wow, it's nice to be back, You guys know it's been a minute. It's been a minute in the new spot. You were down in the basement before. You guys have made it. This is this is new money rich. I see it late on the rent.

I can tell you that I actually think we might be really. Yeah, they do. They raised it. This fucking guy raised his he raised it and then didn't build me for like three months And then it was like a huge. I'm like yeah What the fuck is this like I forgot to I forgot to increase it three months ago. God damn it. Oh, yeah I'll be protesting on them Would do a sit-in down what's the squatters right situation at 30s? Yeah, buddy. How are you good to see you?

Congrats on the special congrats on the show. I didn't know you were on that show. And I seen it and I was like, there's Kim Cogden. Dude, I was there and I actually got hired for being trashy, I think. I was just kind of a piece of shit. And they're like, this is fun, dude. I just noticed your necklace. It says Childless Mill in gold cursive. You are something else. It'd be funny if it said another girl's name.

Christina. Here's something. Snatching chains. Have you ever snatched a chain? or something else. It'd be funny if it said another girl's name, Christina. It's stolen. Here's something like that. Snatching chains. Have you ever snatched a chain? No, but I have wanted to. Sure. When's the last time you stole something? Oh God, it's been a while, dude.

So you're not doing like the 7-Eleven grip? Smashing grabs. No, dude, yeah. When was the last time you knocked over a bread truck? The last time you stole me was, the last time you saw me was my last era of stealing. I think now it's too late, because now it hit a point where I was like, I can't, I see people out too much that know the pod. You can't be getting recognized for that.

I can't get recognized stealing a Snickers from a CBS studio. I never understood that. It's such a crazy, it got to a point where I go, you know what, and now I think it's fair that I don't steal. I'm making enough and I'm recognized enough that I don't need to steal a sneaker. The system's balanced out for you now. You're OK. You give, I giveth back.

Moving into white collar crimes. I can't wait until the way down whenever that is. It just catches stealing again. Is that Kim? Shut up. I fix my taxes. I got a guide. I was turned out I was filing in Louisiana by accident.

They fixed it. How does that even happen? By accident. I never lived there. No, but it was L.A. Oh, my God. You filed by L.A. These property taxes are nothing. What the hell? They fixed it. Get money. I hired a guy. I'm all caught up. I'm not going to jail. But you know what? I feel like I'm still I'm kind of sad about that. So you hadn't filed in a few years. What was your first year? Yeah, they fixed it. Get money back. I hired a guy, I'm all caught up. I'm not going to jail, but you know what? I feel like I'm still, I'm kind of sad about that.

So you hadn't filed in a few years? What was the issue? No, no, I had filed, I had just messed up last year and then they re-fixed it. I filed. That's insane, you filed in the wrong state? You're paying your taxes in Coles cash. Yeah, what the fuck?

Well, when that happened, I was like, I think I need help. Yeah, sure. It was like, I think I need help. It was like someone on their rock bottom before an OD where I'm like, I need to change this. I can't live with this anxiety. I had to do the same thing, because I was waiting tables.

I'd get jammed up every year because they wouldn't take enough out. So I got into tax debt, and I cleaned it all up and just make payments on it. You just gotta do right with the tax, guys. Bang me out every month. I'm hoping that I get enough money where I can start scamming again. You reach another level.

You know, white collar. Yeah, white. Yeah, yeah. White scamming. Yeah. Cooking the book. Yeah, guys. Good news. I'm going to be a white scammer soon. Life's good, dude. I'm going to I'm going to like move money around or whatever you guys do. Shell Corporation. Yeah. Whatever you guys do.

You got that house in Louisiana. Right thing, yeah. It's pretty good. Your crawfish farm down in Louisiana. That's so funny. Let's do a little catch up with you. See how things have been since we last saw you. Are you still in the same place?

No. Did you move? No, that is trashy. I still am moving every year. Right, okay. You man. Talk about being on the run? You got very transient vibe. Well, every time I see you have luggage. What the fuck? I'm every.

Yeah, I I don't know what it is. I did. OK, it has to do with my childhood. I will say that I broke that down recently on a mushroom trip where I was like, why am I moving so much? And I did move every year as a kid, every year. Really? Almost every year. But it was all around the same general area, right? It was all around Florida.

It was all around Florida. Yeah, I do the, yeah. I'm trying to like show my parents up. I'm like, look, I could go to New York and Austin and- I can move between bigger cities. Not this local hillbilly shit. I can also dodge $200 rent increases. Yeah, exactly.

Dude, yeah, I've been moving so much. It's just like I keep kind of. Now, do you do it yourself or do you pay to have it done? Well, I paid to have it done last time. OK. And all the times before that, I did it myself. But now I have a boyfriend. Sure.

So now I don't have to pay anyone. There you go. Saw that goon when you walked in. I thought you were walking in with security. Yeah, dude. God damn, deepest voice in the world. Good looking stra strapping lad if you like that sort of thing, I guess Yeah, he's fucking hot and strong It's a little bit of Frankenstein vibes

Yeah, no, he's a psycho. Does he does he know the jujitsu and stuff like that, too? Can you kick some ass he's trained before he was on the military for 10 years? What branch he was an army nice yeah, all right. Yeah, he's sick as fuck dude. He's like I keep saying Yeah, he's like a man and you guys live together now. We do you do know what okay? This is trashy Yeah, tell us the story we have you're really spinning a yarn here I'm doing my taxes now. Let's fucking get to the nitty-gritty Fuck are we doing here? He's just hearing about the tax stuff now.

Hear the door close. He we met five and a half months ago and we have been living together for five and a half months. We've been living together since like the day we met. Did he move into your place? Well, yeah, because I got John Kugler, Mellon, can't move into where he lived in Florida, like I'm working. He's he's retired.

You met him. He's retired. He's done. He did 10 years. He's done. Not going to work. Well, he's he trades. He does does day trading. Yeah. And he's really smart. He can disassemble a gun with a blindfold on. This kid's really shaping up.

I like him. This guy can buy Dogecoin in his sleep. I wish I could see. No, no, Dogecoin. That was mine. Wait, hold on. I made $6,000 off Dogecoin. You live in Los Angeles. Did you pay taxes on it? Yeah, I did.

In Arkansas. You live in Los Angeles. Yeah. How did you meet him in Florida? I met him on Christmas break. You met him on Christmas break? I was going, I was, Christmas break. Awesome, what are you still in school?

Who calls it Christmas break? What time were midterms? What the fuck? On Christmas break. That is funny that I said that. I don't know why that came out. Hanging out at the military break? Yeah, I met him at recess.

I did meet him, well every year I go home for Christmas and I do call it Christmas break. I take off work. I don't fucking work. And how long were you home for? I was home for one week, like five days. And you're staying at your mom's? Staying at my mom's.

And how did you guys run into each other? We met at the beach. We smoke a the beach, you're hanging out, you see him walk by, whatever. We smoke a joint, we talk, we smoke a joint, and then we hang out. No kidding. Life is just different as a hot guy. Yeah, did he roll up to you? He was at, I was at like a bar,

I was about to pick my mom up for work, and there was like a bar by the beach, and I was like, I'll stop by this bar. Jesus Christ. For a drink? Yeah, and like a chill, and a look at the beach. I looked at the beach and had deep thoughts and got anxiety. And then he rolled by, and he was smoking, and we smoked.

And then, yeah. No kidding. Then we met. Shirt off when he walked up? And they had the voice. No, shirt on. Shirt on. Shirt on, hat on, normal.

Hey, what's going on? I'm so and so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's how Prince Harry and Meghan met. Getting high on the beach waiting for your mom to get off work. Smoking a spliff under the boardwalk. I pulled up in my mom's Chevy Astro.

Is that what it was in? I don't know what it is. I don't know cars, dude. What am I, a man? Okay, so then you guys, so that was right off rip. Yeah. And did he move out to LA with you? Well, yeah, well, we spent the week together.

Okay. He immediately, so we hung out, then it was like- Did that alter your fucking something else? That was about, that was about 20 minutes of hanging out, 30 minutes. 20, you hung out and then you said, I'll talk to you later. Yeah, and then, and then the next day, my mom,

I can't believe I said I wasn't trashy anymore. My mom was going on a casino gambling boat. First of all, your mom has made an appearance on the podcast in your very first episode. You did it in your bedroom, in the bedroom down in Florida. Yeah. And your mom came in thinking she, I mean, she came in.

Nothing like the holidays in Florida. Yeah, she came in, she comes in heavy. Like she was, she was still on the show. She, yeah, she's a narcissist. Hey, she came in. She comes in heavy. Like she was she was still on the show. She yeah, she's a narcissist. So the next day she's going on a riverboat gambling tour. You say, Listen, I got the house wide open to myself. I'll pick you up. No, I had to go with her. We had like plans to go together. Okay. And then it's a two man rob operation. Yeah, of course. Wait till you hear about on the boat while my mom dead, but.

You and your mom are doing riverboat gambling trips. Yeah, we do it almost every time I come to Florida. I wanna do one so bad. Dude, it takes you out. It's fun, right? First of all, Florida is fucking gorgeous. I love Florida. Florida's gorgeous. Of course.

And it takes you out two, three hours into the ocean. And you see dolphins swimming, the water's clear. It's nice out. You sneak a joint in your pussy, and you fucking go out to the deck and you smoke it. That's international waters, that's good grifting out there. Yeah, you look for fucking cocaine boxes. You always look when you're in Florida, look for the cocaine.

That's always been my dream. Oh, me too. Just find a cooler. Me too. Man. Me too. Take a little bit out. I know.

Those riverboat gambling trips, I always met some guy crapping out and then just jumping straight off the side of the shore. It's not even tall enough to die. You're just gonna have to swim back. Carrie, get back in the boat. You gotta pay your marker, motherfucker. What's your mom's game?

What does she play? Well, she'd take her for slot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's just slots and she does Zeus, the shirtless god. What's that? It's like a hot dude that's like, oh, so fuck you. That's the that's the slot game. It's a slot game. And I have hit on Zeus a few times.

I will say I'm a little slotty myself. OK. So she just sits there and plays slots. What? Yeah. And what do you do? And I'm more of a craps girl. Okay. I like craps or blackjack.

I'll play, I mean. So the two of you get on this thing, she sits at her slot, and then you're just going around shooting craps by yourself. No, well first, I text the boyfriend, and I say, I wanna hang out with you again, but I'm going on this boat. Does he go on the boat with you? I was like, I'm going boyfriend and I say, I wanna hang out with you again, but I'm going on this boat.

Does he go on the boat with you? I was like, I'm going six hours into the ocean and gambling with my mom tomorrow, and I'm sure you don't wanna do that. And he just wrote back, I'm in. Whoa, that's fucking nuts. Sends back a bucket of picture and change. And then we went and we had the best time,

we all got really fucked up, but then my mom- Did he show up to the boat like a Navy SEAL like pop out of the water? Yeah, he does. He looks like a cop. Like everywhere I go, people are like, and he's far the furthest thing from a cop. But everywhere I go, I'm like, they're like,

is this guy gonna arrest us for doing something? But he showed up, he met my mom. My mom immediately liked him because he bought her a drink. Okay. And that's all you need to do She was like just a fuck a cranberry and then when he was like kettle she was like After that moment she was like we're in I've got drinks all day Is he from Florida's his family down there was she just stationed down there, Texas Okay, and he was in the military and then I when I met him he was had been out for a year

So he was traveling Australia and Florida. He was just traveling just traveling around. Oh, okay fucking girls So he really so he wasn't living. Traveling around fucking whores. He wasn't living down there. He wasn't living down there in Florida. He was just kind of staying. He was thinking about staying. He was visiting and thinking about staying and thinking about getting a job at the space center down there. That's where my mom lives, by the space center. Right. OK.

And that's where I met him by the space center. That's why my area code for my phone number is three, two, one, by the way. Why? Oh, is that's where I met him by the Space Center and That's why my area code for my phone numbers three two one by the way why I was that what it is three two Really or is that no shit incident? No, I think that's it really I've been told my whole life I don't think they could have set that up. Why not? I would have been set up before space travel I would assume that was the room area. Oh, please I'm working on. Okay. I'm just there's like yeah, that's the area code Let us know what you're ready to blast off I'm working on it. All right. OK. They're just like, yeah, that's the area code. Let us know when you're ready to blast off.

Yeah. That is the trashiest, meat cute I've ever heard in my life. So we met. We went on the boat. Then I'm over at the crabs table with him. Him and I are at the crabs table. My mom, I think, runs out of money. So she always, you see her coming around.

By the way, she had gambled around. So she's coming around. And she's cute. My mom's cute too. My mom looks good. They just put her on the Legion of Skanks MILF contest and I think she got second place or something. Really?

Yeah, behind Jay's mom and he runs the whole operation. So I think there was something funky happening there. Okay, all right. Weird politics going on in the MILF contest. Sure. Yeah, 321 area code, they changed it in 1999 because they thought it was fun. That's pretty good.

That's a good time. That's all right. That's all right. That's Florida right there. I like that. Florida's out to have a good time. Isn't that sick though? Let's make every phone call a little bit of a joke.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Blast off baby. That's fucking so. Yeah, we're called the Countdown Town. That's all right. The Countdown Town. Man. You really, you guys really hang your hat on that too.

Yeah. I love it. No, you never heard it. Because everybody's going broken. Three, two, one. The countdown. Man. You guys really hang your hat on that too. Yeah. I love it. Cause everybody's going broke in three, two, one. Space shuttles blowing up left and right. You're gonna ask me for money in three, two, one. I remember when they brought us into, nevermind. Anyways. Jesus Christ.

Repressed memory. I don't know where that was going. All right, so five days that, Jesus Christ. So we're on the craps table, and my mom's the only one, everyone's wearing like clothes like us, and she is in a hot pink tight tracksuit, velvet, like a juicy couture. Sure, I can picture it.

And her hair is cut very short and bleach blonde, even though she's Puerto Rican. So she just, when you see her, like, what is that? Yeah, she's got a big fat ass and huge tits, and she's like flirting, she's Puerto Rican. So she just, when you see her, like, what is that? Yeah, she's got a big fat ass and huge tits and she's like flirting. She's high and drunk. And, and. She's not driving the boat, who cares?

She's gonna have a good time. And she joins us at the craps table. And I'm playing craps, minding my business. I'm throwing them out. She's kind of just watching. And at one point she nudges me, obviously, where everyone sees her nudge me and she points and I look over and there's an the oldest man I've ever seen with I Was playing with $20 chips and he was playing with thousand dollar cheese. Oh shit. Yeah

And that kind of money you're going on a riverboat gambling trip. Yeah, dude The old dude in the old that's where people old dudes go to retire They go to Florida. It's cheap and it's fun plus those you got big titty big-ass fucking Which I'm assuming the next part of the story is steal their money Mean she looks over at his thing and then she just starts flirting with ah dude those thousand dollars chips. That's advertising That guy's trolling too. He's playing a game. Yeah, he's looking for a nice piece of ass I thought she was gonna take her. That guy's trolling too, he's playing a game. He's looking for a nice piece of ass. I thought she was gonna take out her fake arm from her bag.

Ah! A sticky hand from home alone. That's so funny to steal a chip with a sticky hand. If you got really good at it, dude. Kip, this is Bluechoo. Bluechizoo. Big fans over here blue chew we're talking Next up Bonerville, you know, it's a bad idea getting that stuff getting your ED medication from a gas station or the veterinarian

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Or is she mad? She's, I don't know what she's doing. She's single right now, I think. Okay. I don't know, she's always kind of dating around. So I got a boyfriend here or there. Like she'll have long term boyfriends, but she'll have them for a couple years

and then there'll be a new one. Okay. She gets rid of them quick. She was my stepdad for a very long time. I remember that. That's what I was gonna say. She was like with someone, with my dad forever, and then with my stepdad forever.

And so now I think she's like, I don't want anyone. So now my stepdad and my dad are friends. I remember that. OK. One of them was living. The first episode we did, one of them was living on a boat on the property. In a pop up camper. Pop up.

Oh, my apologies. That was your stepdad. That was my dad. OK. Since then, that camper got damaged. My dad took it on the road and it hit a storm and a tree fell on it. It wasn't my stepdad's and my dad was like,

dude, sorry. And he got so mad at me because I said this on a podcast because I was like, then my dad didn't pay for it. My dad called me, he was like, you know I was having a bad week. I was jammed up, I lost all my money on a riverboat. He was like, I almost went blind that week, which he did. I'm sorry, Dad.

He did almost go blind. He had an eye issue, and he had to use all his money to drive down to a hospital in Miami to save his eyeball. So he was like, you know I was having the hardest week of my life, then you said I didn't pay for the camper. I was like, my fans thought you were right, that he should have had insurance on the camper.

Very true. Yeah. Dad, you were in the right. No insurance? I brought it up again. No insurance on the camper. So then it brought it up again. No insurance on the camera So then it's pretty like what do we do and they sold it for like, I don't know 50 bucks or something. Okay Um, yeah, but since then my dad's moved out now. He lives in Puerto Rico and very nice

he's working on a fishing boat and Making money. He's young and where's your stepdad? And my stepdad is remarried really? Yeah, he found a new woman. Man, that was quick. That was only a couple years ago. Yeah. Yeah, that was like four years ago. That was like four years ago.

Yeah, that was like four years ago. You were one of the early guests. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were in the middle of breaking up during COVID. It was like the end of times for everything. Jesus Christ. I forgot how trashy you were. Yeah, it's nuts.

Yeah, so I was living. I moved back for COVID too. So I was living. I moved back for covid too. So I was living with me, my sister, her boyfriend, my stepdad and my mom, who are separating and my dad who was in the pop up camper in the back. That's it. Right. And I tried to sell that as a TV show. We're like, yeah, I tried to sell that as a TV show. And they were like, I don't know.

We just need some celebrities. I'm like, what are you talking about? You guys, what do you what the fuck are you talking about? Perfect for the A&'m like, what are you talking about, you guys? What are you, what the fuck are you talking about? Perfect for the A&E channel. What are you talking about? Please, we'll be the stars. Kim plus nine or whatever. All right, so back to Christmas.

So you do the riverboat gambling thing and then you guys spend the whole week together and then you're leaving to go back to LA. And then how does it go to him moving in? He doesn't come out right with you? No, he doesn't. We leave and then we do the like sad FaceTiming show like a week. You like each other. Yeah. Yeah. And in three days after I leave, he's like, fuck it, I'm buying a flight.

I'm going to come visit you. OK. Comes and visits for a week. OK. And then after that week, he extends his flight for a few days. And then after those few days, well, we then we had. Where's all his stuff? Like, where's his his stuff is few days. And then after those few days, well, we then we had. Where's all his stuff? Like, where's his? His stuff is in Texas. Okay, in an apartment? Yeah, at his parents' place in Texas.

He left it there when he went to the military. Gotcha. And it's been there and he's been traveling for a year backpacking. Gotcha. He hasn't had any of it. Okay. And yeah, he comes back and then we extend it.

And then we do this trip to Joshua tree Here we go And we do this is how people get cats by the way. He showed up and then it was just I give a massive one time. He keeps coming back. I can't help it these guys they don't I mean he's just there every day It does sound like I picked him up, but I want you to know he has money. I think you did pick him up. You changed his name like a stray cat.

Yeah. I'm going to call him. Where's Bill? You're Charles now. Wait, and what's your living situation out there? You had your own place, right? In LA? Yeah.

Yeah, I lived with my sister. Well, my sister recently moved to LA. I had my own place. That was my last move. Then my sister wanted to move to LA, I lived with my, well, my sister recently moved to LA. I had my own place, that was my last move. Then my sister wanted to move to LA and she's 21 and I was so stressed about it that I moved to a two bedroom so she could live with me. Okay, so that's where he ended up,

your sister's in one room, you guys are in another. Okay, that's not a big deal. No, it's not. It ain't great, but sure. Yeah, my sister was like anything so I don't have to pay less rent. She's 21, she's like, I don't give a shit. And they get along just fine.

But then we went to Joshua Tree and we did a bunch of mushrooms and acid with Josh Potter and Sarah Weinstein. And my sister- That's a crew you wanna roll with. Those two fucking delinquents. Well yeah, dude, Sarah- Potter didn't know where he was.

He's just falling off cliffs instead. Potter thought he was at Disneyland. It was insane, dude. Sarah had this weird, you know, Sarah's insane. She had this weird you know Sarah's insane she had this weird loop on Mushrooms where she sang we were doing karaoke on drugs. Okay, what's your go? Do you have a go-to cat? That's a question. We do what do you have a go? I like a duet I like to bring someone with me and I like to do kid rock Cheryl Crowe picture Where were you you were just singing in the middle of the desert? Yeah, okay. Yeah, they're on ass

Where were you you were just singing in the middle of the desert? Yeah, okay. Yeah, they're on acid Little karaoke machine, oh Okay, I bought a miniature one. I got my mom got me one for Christmas That's your mom do carry our family karaoke hard in the early 2000s We were like we would go to the flea market every Saturday and we went straight to this Indian dudes karaoke store and my parents had like the most impressive, like literally they showed it off like it was like a Lamborghini, like this karaoke set where they had the songs, the numbers, the request thing.

And we would have huge parties where our whole neighborhood came and everybody would do karaoke like for real, like signing up, you're next, like, and we would do just get fucked up. But the karaoke store at the flea market, I believe you said, that isn't a karaoke place. That's where they sell karaoke machines.

So you guys would go to this guy's store. They would sell songs, dude. This is before YouTube. They would sell karaoke songs, like sets of CDs. But they were karaoke songs. And you put them like in the DVD player and it would. So it was like the salt that the software, but it was like, here's this song. My mom was the lyrics and I said that I was in the back changing this for requests and shit. Like it was like the salt that the software but it was like here's this song my mom was the lyrics and I was in

The back changing discs for requests and shit like it was like a whole thing But you weren't singing in the karaoke store, no, okay No, we're just buying we're flipping through buying the best new songs that were out. Okay Store is store We mark there's no walls It's an Indian guy in a folding table. Man, he probably sees you guys coming. He's like, fuck.

Starts bolting stuff down. Parking the boat out front. Yeah. The camper. The camper. Yeah, so I picked up the karaoke thing from them. What's your mom's go-to? My mom really likes the zombie by the Cranberries.

Zombie, zombie, in your head, in your head. It's like Puerto Rican accent. Zombie, zombie. That's how she sounds like. Singing chomby. Chomby, chomby. Yeah, she really likes that one. She likes a lot of rock too.

She fucks on rock. That's great. So then he stayed. So Sarah lost her mind, she did Torn. Or back to her doing that. Back to back. Okay. 15 times.

Everyone had a different song, she did Torn every time. She ran us out of the house, we went to the backyard, it gets quiet, we're like, she's done. I look in the room, she's watching herself, seeing Torn every time she ran us out of the house we went to the backyard it gets quiet we're like she's done I look in the room she's watching herself sing torn on her phone she recorded but yeah we fell in love on acid that okay and and then we've been living together ever since that's a cute story yeah I did tell him I we did say that we loved each other that day and that was two weeks in on the other. On the acid. Nice. Well, the next day of the acid, which is pretty much on the acid still.

I like it. The calm down, man. And we've been in love ever since. There you go. Bite me. There you go. Very cute. But I will say, I'm trashy, but I don't have a lot of boyfriends. So I know people are like, that's insane. I don't like jump into, I've never moved in

with a guy really quick before anything like that. This is it Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm marrying this motherfucker. You think so. Yeah. All right Joshua tree Josh Potter is gonna be the officiant that would everyone's on acid Karaoke, I don't hate that. I bet you do it on the one of the casino boats No, I hate that. I hate that. Oh married at the crap stable. Oh, no. All right. Okay quite the recap Sorry, no. No, are you kidding me? Precisely what we were looking for. Yeah Is there an empty jar or a jar of queso dip in your refrigerator right now Tostitos? No, but that sounds so good

You have a favorite flavor of combos? No combos is too white. Really? Combos is white, dude. Whoa. Huh, what would be the Latina alternative? Well, I mean, I don't know. I've never really, maybe combos isn't

as a New York thing. Pringles? Ah, yeah. You like a Pringles? There we go. What color? Sour cream and onion. Gentlemen, give me that. God damn. You have mouthwash. Are you a mouthwash person?

I do and do you drink it out of the bottle or do you pour it in a little cap? Straight out the bottle what the who the fuck puts it in a cap alone? You know, it's really class those little paper cups Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah They would show up because you get the rack Yeah, stick the rack onto the onto the wall next to the and you'd pump it in and it'd splash everywhere. Yeah, that was all right. OK. Well, you take a bath at a hotel. No, dude. OK. No.

Pull it a hotel like a hotel. Yeah. OK. Yeah, I will. I'll use a jacuzzi at a hotel. Sure. Maybe I was looking for one last week. Yeah. We do thezi at a hotel. Sure. Maybe I was looking for one last week. Yeah. We do the breakfast at a hotel. Yes. The free breakfast with the powdered eggs and all that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Hmm. You make a waffle. Yes. You ever get a free breakfast at a hotel that you weren't staying at? Yes. You have haven't. I have. And one time I was dating this guy.

Well, not even dating. We had gone on one date and I was like this guy's cool. Then we moved in together. Yeah, then we lived together and had three children. No, and me and my mom were trying to find which hotel had the best free breakfast and I accidentally voicemailed him the entire conversation. Oh my God.

I'm looking for the free breakfast hotel. I was like no, this one has the better eggs, I think. No, this one, we can sneak into this one. And this one has chocolate milk. Man. Also, I remember on your last episode, which was a couple of years ago, probably two years ago at this point,

the lobster, the stealing of the lobster. Into the purse. The lobster, they would lie in their purse. I mean, your mom is one of my favorite people I've never sure yeah shit my mom and her mice and her sister when when we were kids They used to go to all you can eat lobster And they wouldn't bring us because it was so expensive and they would come back they would line their purses with aluminum foil and they would

Bring back some warm lost stealing tracksuits and shit like that. I tell you do it Do you call it ground beef or hamburger meat? It's ground beef. OK. Is it roof or roof? Roof. OK. What is it?

Roof? Some people, it's like a Midwest thing. Is that what you say? Roof. Yeah, my parents say roof. Roof. Up on the roof. New Jersey and stuff.

Yeah, roof. Were you surprise party people growing up? You guys like a surprise party? Hell no. No. Never. We had like the trashiest parties where it was like it started off like child friendly and then by the end

of the night it's like the wrong couples are grinding. And Shirley what are you doing? My grandpa's kissing a man. A bunch of Spudgy Bob balloons everywhere. Yeah, it's fucking group. Half-eaten Buzz Lightyear cake. People are going at it. Two Hispanic babies I've never seen sleeping on my bed. In a pile of coats. Yeah. That's good stuff.

What did you call your grandparents growing up? My grandpa, I called him Rio. Which means lightning. Okay. That's cute, weird. does that mean? Which means lightning. Okay. That's cute, weird. Yeah, Rio just means lightning. Was that his nickname with other people? Well he would always go, yeah, Rio.

It was just like this saying that Puerto Rican say. Just like, oh shit. And so everyone just called him Rio because of that. And then I called my grandma Ella. Okay. Because abuela in Spanish. And I can say the end of it when I was a kid. Respectable.

So Ella and Rio. My white grandma, I called her grandma. OK. Grandmother. Grandmother. OK. When's the last time you slept in a sleeping bag? Oh, I've never slept in one.

Really? No. No, no. I grew up camping and stuff. But it was Florida, so it was stuff, but we didn't it was Florida So it was hot so we didn't need to make that we would bring like um you know like memory foam and put a sheet On it or something and sleep on that. I'm stunned by that huh yeah well Yeah, we camped, but I wasn't gonna hurt my back over it. Okay, yeah

Who was the most famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Could have been as a kid. This is a great question, you guys. It could also not even a celebrity. It could have just been like a local news guy. I did the weather guy. Somebody on a car dealership in South Florida. You'd be like, oh, that's the owner of before I started doing comedy.

Lobster buffet. No, no, no. It was pretty big celebrities. I worked at this in college. I worked at a restaurant called The Swamp. I was a swamp girl. And where'd you go to college again? University of Florida. OK. Yeah.

And shout out to the swamp. And it was the best. It was like a Coyote Ugly, but for a college bar. Understandable. Yeah. And it was right in front of the... I like how Coyote Ugly is for refined people. You know?

It's Coyote Ugly, but trashier. But trashier. But trashier, yeah. But less classy. Yeah, it was like that, and it was cool. They had a front lawn, we would get fucked up, and it was a great time. And there, they did the college week, college game day. What's that?

They came, and Mark Cuban came to the bar. Oh! And we all took shots with Mark Cuban. That's really good. Aaron Hernandez is Mark Cuban. That's really good. Aaron Hernandez is another one, that's a good one. Okay. That might be my trashiest. You live to tell about it.

He shoved me in a bar once. Really? He shoulder checked me, yeah. What were you doing? Just standing. Okay. Standing there? Fuckin' me.

Just trying to snatch his chain. Yeah, trying to get his ear pods. With my hand in his pocket? Ha ha ha ha ha! So what? Mark Cuban, that's probably the biggest pocket. Yeah. So what? More Cuban, that's probably the biggest one we got. That's a big one. Or wasn't it somebody meet, there

was a president or something? He got me tickets for game day, their table. Really? Yeah, I asked. Can I get some tickets? Yeah, I got them drunk. I got them so drunk, and then I was like, can I come tomorrow? And they were like, yeah.

And then I did. I went to college game day. it was the best day ever. Did you bring your mom? No. No, no, she wasn't allowed to visit me in college after a couple of times. Really? I was like, you're done, dude, you're done.

Some issues? She's up on the park. I can't see you grinding on college boys in front of me. Go to your own parties, dude. Go to your own. I had to pull her off of a guy in college once. I was like, this is gross. My professor, mom!

With these stories, you should play a game where it's my mom or Sarah Weinshank. That's funny. That's really funny. Made out with my roommate. That's so funny. Made a move on my boyfriend. That's so funny. That's all right.

Huh, okay. You carry clothes in a plastic bag ever? Yeah, regularly. Four? I get behind on laundry because of the road. Okay. And then my hamper gets full, and then I need a place to put my clean clothes before I clean out my hamper.

Will you do any laundry on the road? No. Never? Never. I'd buy new clothes before doing laundry on the road. Okay. What am I, super trashy? I do laundry on the road. Guys, I filed my taxes in Los Angeles this year. Of course.

California. We're not sure about that. I'm not sure the way I said it. I was like, I don't know. What was the first time you had Nutella? Was that big in your house growing up? Probably when I was like 11 or 12. Really?

Yeah, it came out late. That's young. Well, it was rich. It was rich. I mean, I probably didn't have it till I was 29. You mean it was rich, like rich people stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Surprised you had it that young.

It was a treat. It wasn't in our house all the time. It was like a one-time thing, and then we never got it again, because my mom was like, we're not paying for that all the time. Like, we saved it. We had that Nutella for maybe two years, dude.

I swear to God, me and my sister would like take little bits of it. Yeah. We had it one time, and we really savored it. And did you ever get lost as a kid? Did they ever lose you anywhere? Dude, yeah. Yeah. They left you somewhere.

My mom, I've actually never brought. Where's that bike we. At Sturgeon's or whatever it's called. Oh, we're at Myrtle Beach. And uh. Now, one time I woke up, my mom doesn't even know I remember this, I've never brought this up to her. Great.

One time I woke up. You're gonna get a cease and desist from your mom. She's gonna file a lawsuit against me one day, so. One time I woke up, I remember I was six years old, and I woke up at my house, and my apartment. And I woke up in my room and I had a nightmare, so I went into my mom's room and no one was in there. And I checked the whole house and no one was in the house.

Then I started panicking, I remember I started crying. Then I ran down the stairs, opened the front door, it was like 3.30 in the morning, and I left. Five years old and I roamed around the neighborhood, the apartment complex crying and going, Mommy! As loud as I could. And then I gave up after like 15 minutes.

Thank God no pedophiles heard me. That is like a dream. Imagine being a pedophile and you're sleeping and you hear a child crying in the night. You go, God, what a fucking midnight sweet treat. That's like free range chicken. Yeah, dude, it's great. So yeah, and then I gave up and went back home

and probably five minutes later, when I fell asleep crying, my mom came home. And I think she had some sort of, it was my stepdad that was supposed to be watching me and she had some sort of emergency at work. We had to pick her up, but he chose not to bring me. Because it was like five minutes away. And I just happened to wake up in those five minutes.

Yeah. And then I never brought it up to them and they never knew it happened. But I remember that. Reekout City. Imagine me being taken in the night in those five minutes. And it was because she was working. Do you remember the restaurant Shoney's?

Of course. Love a Shoney's. She was a Shoney's server. No kidding. At three in the morning? Er, I don't know, maybe she was a stripper. They used to, more like Show Me's. Show Me's. Reverse happy hour.

They used to do fried mushrooms that were really good at the one we used to go to. They had like blue cheese and like the trough of the mushroom. Woo, shout out to Shoney's. at the one we used to go to. It had like blue cheese and like the trough of the mushroom. Oh, John, the show. Fuckin I always crave this Outback steakhouse steak. This Victoria fillet with a blue cheese crumb crust. Good stuff. Victoria never been to an outback. You believe that?

Yeah. Crazy. We were an Applebee's family. The only time my family ever went to Outback was for my mom and my stepdad's anniversary, and we weren't allowed to go. I might have been once in like college, but. Man, never. We were never allowed to go. Now we were Applebee's.

Wanna go, I wanna, believe me, I wanna go. That Bloomin' Onions race. Have you ever been to a Golden Corral? Once. Yeah, once. That's where we went every weekend. Our buffets were ponderosa, growing up. I've heard of that, I always I always didn't know what it was.

It was crazy. Wow. Yeah. Anyways, my mom left me alone, and that got more sad than funny. Do you know how to use chopsticks? I see him erasing the question. Never ask again. Do you know how to use chopsticks? Yes. Okay. Will you dance at a wedding?

And do you have moves? Can you do like the electric slide? I can picture this going either way. I really go either way. Comics aren't known dancers. I'm not a big dancer, but it's also like, it depends on the wedding. Whose wedding is it? Is it my best friend's wedding where I'm hammered?

Like my best friend Kelsey's wedding, I danced my ass off all night, but it was all of my best friends from college. Sure. And then their family like scared watching us against the wall, cause we were on like drugs and doing Jaeger bombs. Fucking from the window to the walls is playing. Yeah, yeah.

I might dance at a wedding. I might, I might not. I'd think about it. Sorry. Do you know moves? Like, do you know dances? I know the electric side. I know the cha-cha slide. What's the moves like do you know dances like I know the electric slide? You know, the charge of slide.

What's the other one? The Macarena. You know, the Macarena. I can Macarena. I know the trashy dance. OK, for sure. Well, you change the table at a restaurant. Like if you get to a table, they sit you and you go, wow, it's too close to the door. I don't like this. We asked to be moved. That was an activity I could do before I met my boyfriend,

who would get so embarrassed by it that okay Just don't just sit here. We'll just sit and smell the shit by the bathroom instead. Yeah, it's kind of me, too Do you feel like he keeps your trashiness and check a little bit does it's really annoying I'm trying to impress him or does he know the real you know he knows the real me okay? I mean I yeah, he knows the real me was there anything trashy, babe He left. Yeah. You kidding me?

He's fucking halfway back to East Texas. Where are you going? He's got a piece of straw in his mouth right now on a train car. Ah! We hit three fast food restaurants in one night very recently after the Tom Brady roast. Jesus. Huh.

Yeah, that's true. Wait, wait. Let's guess which ones they were. In and out. Sure Brady roast. Jesus. Huh? Yeah, wait, wait. Let's guess which ones they were in and out. Sure. Wrong. No. Jack in the Box.

No. Wendy's. McDonald's. Yes. Burger King. No. Del Taco. No.

Taco Bell. Yes. McDonald's, Taco Bell. You'll never guess the third one. Is it a national chain? Krispy Kreme. You'll never guess it. Is it a national chain? Krispy Kreme. You'll never guess it. Is it a national chain? Yes.

But you'll never guess it. Why? Because it was McDonald's again. Whoa. She's good. The kid's good. I don't know what to tell you. Man, we would have sat here like idiots for 20 minutes.

I was like, I know podcasting. Let's cut this off quick. I wouldn't have what to tell you. Man, we would have sat here like idiots for 20 minutes. That bothers me so much. I know podcasting, I know podcasting. Let's cut this off quick. I wouldn't have gave up on that. I know, I know. What was the third order, well, the second order of McDonald's? More fries.

Okay, we went to McDonald's the first time, and it was three of us. We had a friend in the back who shall not be named because she wants to stay anonymous about the McDonald's. I understand. She was like, this is our secret forever. It was Josh Potter. It was Josh Potter.

It was not Sarah Weinshank. And we went through and we got and we all wanted it so bad. We were like, we're going to do it so naughty. We're going to do it. And then what kind of car are you in? Honda CRV. Whose is that? Yours? Mine.

What year are you talking? 2019. Okay. Okay. At least. Not Mine. What year are you talking? 2019. Okay. Not bad. What are you doing? I'm paying it off, yeah. To own it? Yeah, to own. Okay, great. Yeah. I'm sorry, real quick, did you drive that to the roast? Yes.

Swing and a miss. Man. Did you get that valet? I parked it in VIP next to the nice cars. Yeah, I have no shame and stole their chromies. Dude, the way that I stole a BMW emblem. Man, you pulled up to the Tom Brady roast and a CRV in a in a in a gown. And my and my boyfriend was in a full suit.

It's funny in a CRV. What? I mean, that's why you got to do it. And my boyfriend was in a full suit in a CRV. What a... I mean, that's fine, you gotta do what you gotta do. The Mercedes is in the shot. But I mean, yeah, you can get an Uber, you can get dropped off. Get an Uber Black.

It was like an hour and a half away, dude. One of the biggest events of the decade. I actually didn't realize it. I have like some sort of mental illness where I think things are gonna be smaller than they are constantly. So that- Wasn't it at the Sta staple center or something like that.

It was, but I always showed up in a fucking helicopter. You're fucking dude. I didn't shop until two hours before for a dress. We were in at the mall at the Beverly center buying a suit. Where'd you get to dress from? It's all on hemmed and stuff. Well, I already had a dress. I had to shop for shoes and stuff,

but I got it from just like a little shoe store and and my dress was from Goodwill You're next to a Bugatti lint rolling dog hair off And visine me got visine In yourself with Febreze I was actually getting ready in the car. Yeah, did you say you got your dress at a Goodwill? I did I got it Cindy Lauper. I got it for three dollars and it in the car. Yeah, did you say you got your dress at a Goodwill? I did I got it Cindy Lauper. I got it for three dollars and it looked fucking great. There you go. Yeah, huh? What okay, let's let's live in the car for a minute. Sure. What uh, what's the air freshener? Uh, oh, it's a jujitsu air freshener Sweaty man, what is it? Yeah, it's just like I don't know if I'm pronouncing this it's albino

Sweaty man. What is it? Yeah, it's just like I'll I don't know if I'm pronouncing as it's albino preto Okay, what's it smell? What's it smell like? It smells like no, it smells like a kind of like a hot guy Okay, smells like a whole to Kevin. That's fine So you get done the roast you guys walk not like physically hot damn You get the car you guys get in the car and your gowns in your suit. You're done. Let's go get some Mickey D's. We're done. What's the back seat of this car looking like? Campy. It's full of well, the back seat's clean.

My car is pretty clean. I clean it before we go. I at least have to. It has to. Did you do it or you took it to get cleaned? We took it to the car wash. OK. It got clean.

It got vacuumed. It was big night. But the back is like full of like camping stuff. OK. OK. You went to the Tom back is like full of like camping stuff. Okay Okay, you went to the Tom Brady roast like you were going to prom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Nobody saw me in the parking lot You guys are douchebags now What the fuck happened who would care if I ubered or drove my own car take a nice uber to that no you don't care if I ubered or drove my own car. You take a nice uber to that. No, you don't. No, I took my fucking Honda CR-V that I'm paying a lot of money for to drive

because it's a perfectly good, reliable car. I changed my own mirror on it. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. I changed my own mirror. You got camping gear and the fishing poles on the backseat. That thing's probably not even inspected. That's relatable.

I'm a human. I'm a human. I'm a person. I'm still me. I pulled up. I park. That's what it is. When I pull up and I park in these things, I'm like, hey, I'm over here.

And I point to the VIP and they go, no, you're not. And then I have to call my friends and be like, tell them I am. And they're like, they are. Handicapped tag comes out, hook that on there. Yeah. I swear I know Tom Brady, hook that on there. Yeah. I swear I know Tom Brady. This was a $3 dress.

I belong here. By the way, I borrowed, oh, I borrowed my sister's shoes. I bought jewelry at the mall for myself. I borrowed my sister's shoes, and she's 21, so she buys cheap fucking shoes. That was a big mistake. That was actually, I learned a lesson at the Tom Brady Roses, buy expensive heels.

It's on my list right now. I'm going to buy some nice $300, $400 heels. That was actually, I learned a lesson at the Tom Brady Roses buy expensive heels. It's on my list right now. I'm gonna buy some like nice $300, $400 heels. That's real relatable. Did you drive there or drive home barefoot? Yes, I drove home barefoot. Not only did I drive, this is it, I left in my boyfriend's shoes.

What was he wearing? He was wearing socks. He walked out of there in socks. I could not walk by the end of the night. The shoes were falling apart. There was diamonds coming off of them. My dress had like been- Not real diamonds?

No, no, no, no, no. Please, the stickers. The stickers you get in the 50 cent machines, the rhinestones. And yeah, but it looked really good. If you see the pictures, the dress looks expensive. I don't know what to tell you. Everyone's an idiot.

Everyone's an idiot. If you're spending a lot of money on real issues- and you shopping at Goodwill often. I love Goodwill Yeah, I love secondhand clothing. I've these but also I also okay, so right now currently I wear really nice clothes But I do clothing rentals Sure, a lot of people do that. That makes sense It makes the most sense I get I I'm on podcasts a lot I get six new pieces a month and then I get to switch it out and then she's promo code Kim newly and then um and yeah and I get in and they have insurance on the shit so I'll be wearing like a

$500 coat and I'll go to Central Park and be like I'll just sit on it like it's like you know yeah no worries so it's the best way to do it but yeah I went and I left in my boyfriend's shoes and I made him leave the parking lot in socks. And then we were leaving with, I left the Tom Brady Rose drunk on mushrooms in my boyfriend's shoes in a gown with a big bowl of buffalo chicken, pico de gallo mac and cheese.

Whoa. From the after party cheese mac and cheese bar. That just kept getting better. And then. Buffalo chicken, pico de gallo mac and cheese. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. That sounds good. Then you hit Mickey D's. Yeah. I respect it. Yeah. And then we well, we went to the comedy store for like three hours and got continually, continually drunk.

Sure. And then after we hit the three, the Mickey D's, the Taco Bell. Are these in succession like boom, boom, boom? Well, that's what I was trying to say. We got to the Mickey D's and fucking they were cash only. So now we're trying to figure out we have twenty two dollars, three people. And so we're like, we'll get two meals and one shake. This was America.

What the hell are we doing? Cash only to two. I was like, we can get two meals in a shake with this. So we order the meals and the shake. And then she's like, thirty nine, forty two. We're like, fuck dude. And then we go, we'll just take two ice creams. Me and my boyfriend will split one and she'll get one. And I'll go, and I say to her, take everything off.

And this is like a whole thing going back and forth, us counting the money to see if we have enough cash. We're like, hold on. And then, and I go, just take everything off but the ice creams. We'll just get the ice cream. She's like, okay, pull up. We pull up, she gives everything off but the ice creams. We'll just get the ice cream. She's like, okay, pull up. We pull up, she gives us everything but the ice creams.

So we just get the meals, which we went mostly for the ice cream. We wanted the ice cream. So then we take the meals and we're like, we don't even want these meals. And then someone says they want something else, Taco Bell. So we make a run through Taco Bell and we get a couple things from Taco Bell.

Which is right across the street. You're in the neighborhood. It's easy. But then I'm like, ah, God, I really wanted that sundae. Hit the ATM back with a stack of gas. From the back you hear someone that's not Sarah Wynchenko. No. It's like 3.43 in the morning.

And we're hitting different McDonald's to see who has the ice cream machine open. We hit the final one and yeah, we did three in one night after the Brady roast and some mac and cheese. But to be honest, I didn't eat that whole fucking day. I was shopping at the mall for a fucking dress. I get to the Tom Brady roast. I'm like, is there gonna be food here?

Like it's a fancy thing, there should be food. We are at the nice ass tables in the front where there are beautiful charcuterie boards, but. It's all fake. No, it's real and it's delicious and it's expensive and it's like perfect. It's like, this will get me through. And then everyone is seating and it's like fucking famous.

They're seating Kim Kardashian. Everyone's walking around talking and I'm like, I can't just sit and start eating. You know what I mean? No one's eating. Yeah you can. No one. You're making a sandwich.

Yeah, I'm fucking making eating at a honeycomb while Kim Kardashian's like. Hand me a little pursuit, will ya? Networking with Seth Green next to me. I'm like, I can't eat right now. You know what I mean? It was just like a lot. It was very, I. You guys got olives on yours?

I was also stressed I had written for it. So I was like fucking stressed that I was gonna, I wrote with Nikki Glaser on her writing team. She's said this already on pods. So I feel comfortable saying it. So I can't eat, and then I'm like, I'll save the charcuterie, because we're off cam anyways.

I'll eat when it starts. Is that trashy? You're watching the show. Yeah, why not have a snack? No, I thought you could eat before that. Hey, listen. Was anybody else at your table eating the charcuterie board?

My friend, Hormoz, immediately ate his whole charcuterie board right away, and I wasoz, immediately ate his whole charcuterie board right away. And I was like, trashy. I judged him. Then 10 minutes till the show starts, I look, and they're at my table collecting the charcuterie. I would have grabbed that.

I ran over, dude. I ran over and I said, wait! And I took a handful of meats. I was so hungry, I just took a handful of meats and cheeses and got one handful and they took it and I didn't let it go all night. The whole night I was like, no 10 minute warning. You don't do a last call on salami?

Is that how we did it back at the swamp? They wasted... The swamp, the kitchen's open till midnight at the swamp. They wasted probably $10,000 of charcuterie, so it all go into a trash. I was like, no, please, give it to me. I literally asked him, I was like, are you keeping it in the bag? Because after, I was going to go collect them

and bring them home. Shoot this crazy man. And then, yeah, and then I did it. Huh. OK. Next question. Yeah. Have you drank out of a measuring cup in the last 365 days?

Yeah, I probably have done that in the last four days. OK. Any particular reason you might want to let us know that happened? Just want to feel like a scientist. Sometimes it's I'm 80D and I'm in a hurry and I open the cabinet. Grab a cup. First thing I see and I grab it. I'll get I'll give you that. And I go, it's cup-ish. If you're at someone else's house,

will you go through the medicine cabinet? Not like go through, but you'll take a gander. Yeah. Just to see what's going on. I do it less than I did in my 20s. I care less now because I'm like, I'm on everything. What do I need to see? But in my 20s, I would definitely,

in the bathroom, I'd take a peek. Not to steal anything, just genuine curiosity of how other people live. And a lot of times with women, I like to see the products they're using if I think they're pretty. Gotcha. I respect that.

I respect that. What kind of toner they got, all that kind of stuff. Or if they have good hair, I'd take a peek at their shampoo, a sniff. That's pretty good. You can also just ask them, I think. That's pretty good. That's diabolical. just ask them I think can you write in cursive yeah dude yeah yeah dude that's the first language I wrote in it's not a language it is okay if we were at your

if we came over to the apartment right now I don't know if we asked you this last time and we asked for a glass of water. What would you be giving us? It depends if my water is filled. Okay, so I used to be snobby with water. I'm listening. Like I would go fill a glass, a three gallon glass thing into this thing that I pour water into. But ever since my boyfriend kind of bullied me

and he was like, just drink it from the sink. And he's kind of convinced me to, just drink it from the sink. And he's kind of convinced me to just start drinking water from the sink. Because he was like, this is dumb that we're getting water when we have water out of the sink. And now- You were getting what? Like the-

You could go and get a filter like a Whole Foods. Purified alkaline water. Take like a big jug, like a grower. And not even plastic, I got glass. I did the whole, I went the whole nine. That's pretty good. I got fancy after the tax return came one year. And I got the whole nine with the water and ever since he's he's always just like just drink the water so tap water Yeah, so lately I've been tap you put ice in it. No you're drinking warm tap water. I drink

neutral Luke Room temperature that's crazy That's delicious cold waters Disgusting that's crazy. It's bad for you It's doing that's it. What do you mean? You're gonna draw the line in fucking cold water? I do yeah, okay, I'll do acid, but I won't drink cold water. It's bad for your stomach, dude No, that's all bullshit warm water Wow flush it out, baby Do you have any half used gift cards at the moment?

Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure I have, like, I have a random, I have a random Walmart credit card in my name that I found the other day that I didn't even know I had a Walmart credit card. I'm sure my mom took it out of my name. How much is on it?

I don't know. I didn't even, I was just like, oh, I gave it to my business guy. I said, you figure this out. I don't know what that is. I oh, I gave it to my business guy. I said, you do you figure this out? I don't know what that is. I'm sure that's a first. Yeah. I can't walk in and I. I swear to God, my accountant had hair before I met him.

And after he met him, he was like, Jesus, fuck, dude. Does all your silverware match? Yes, it does. You got a whole set. Not my growing up house, but my own. Sure. I've changed. You know what? I've broken a lot of cycles. Sure. My silverware matches. I have no forks, though. I don't know where they go.

I do. We have two forks. So disappear. We have three people in the house and currently two forks. You have a dishwasher. Yes. OK. Yes, yes, yes. You guys order in. You cook a lot. Cook a lot. Cook a lot. Cook a lot. Before I met him, I was three meals a day delivery. OK. But this motherfucker cooks.

And the sister, too, is in on that? Were you guys sitting have dinner as a little family? We do. That's cute. Yeah. At the table or sitting on the couch? Coffee table, front of the TV. Gotcha. What are we watching? Well, my sister watches really trashy YouTube channels about girls and guys doing sting operations

to catch their partners cheating. They're like these YouTube channels of these people. It's not even on TV. No, it's not. That's crazy. That's dark web shit. And then it's crazy because when they reveal it, they're like, you're on a TV show.

That's what they say. And I'm like, aren't we watching YouTube? Like I'm like, what is wrong with, are people? You're in a movie. Okay, yeah. And so she does that for a while until I get a lot of anxiety. And I'm like, what is wrong with people? You're in a movie. Okay, yeah. And so she does that for a while until I get a lot of anxiety and I'm like, can we watch something else?

Are there any milk crates in that house at the moment? Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've been on goat milk heavy lately. Really? Oh yeah, the goat milk's my new thing. Where are you getting that from? From the grocery store. Okay.

So it's not like raw goat milk? All right. No, no, not straight from the tea. Are you you're drinking that you put in cereal both I put it in everything doesn't have that little musky. Yeah, it does. That's my favorite part is the after goat taste Yeah, no, I love it so much oh I've started watching milf manner that's a good one have you seen it I just saw I mean I've seen I've started watching MILF Manor. That's a good one, have you seen it? I just saw, I mean, I've been seeing promos for it. It's the most disgusting, I mean, I watched it, Alex got me into it this week. And probably all last night I kept going,

this fucking old whore! It's just MILFs, a bunch of MILFs come on an island with their sons, they're being told that their sons are gonna help them find the love of their lives. But the sons are just fucking the other MILFs come on an island with their sons. They're being told that their sons are gonna help them find the love of their lives. But the sons are just fucking the other MILFs. Turns out they're dating each other. Yeah.

The MILFs are dating the other sons and the sons are dating the other MILFs. And it's like the challenges are fucked up. Like everyone gets blindfolded in massages and you have to find who your son is. Jesus Christ. It's disgusting. And there's this whore on it. Me and my mom are on it next season.

I was like, my mom, I bet if my mom watched this she'd be like, I wish I had a son. I wish I had a boy. Get on TV. Yeah. Huh. Okay. I mean. I mean, sure. We're just having fun at this point. Yeah, you're eating goat cereal watching MILFs. Yeah, that's crazy. That's fucking nuts.

Do you bite your nails? No, right? Are those real or those? No, I get them done. You get them done. How often are you getting them done? Every two weeks. Every two weeks, like clockwork, you go to the same person? Yeah, every once in a while I'll miss a week.

But what's that usually run you? And can I ask what are those? They're fake nails. They're fake nails. They're called gel acts. They're like the stuff that's put on. They're fake nails. And is all that stuff on there already when you get them put on

She had a nugget stuck under her nail that's fucking crazy. That's all my real sticky shit you got there Give got an ace in her thumbnail I don't mess around. You're an old cokehead. Do you guys want to hit? Yeah, that's crazy. Moking your nail. Yeah, the set cost me $100 and then nails. Whoa!

$100. $100 and the toes cost me like $60. So every two weeks you drop in $160, what are you tipping on that? I do $20 on the nails, $20 on the toes. So $200 out the door. Yeah. Woo!

$400 a month on hair and nails. It's really expensive, dude. Sure. Like an upkeep. I pay another two hundred for the clothing service. And who cuts the hair? I go to a very cheap hair place. OK. I go to like a hair cut or like a great clips. But I found one really good guy.

I'll find like the I'll look at the reviews really hard because in L.A., you get a trim and it's fucking $140. I'm like, I can't do that every six weeks on top of the nail. Please, I'm not, I got an accountant, but I'm not making it yet, you know what I mean? Like I'm trying to just stay above water. Sure. Gotcha.

Yeah. Okay. I mean, I'm, you know, can you do the blood gang sign with your fingers? Yeah. Yeah, you can. Wait, let's see. Yep. That's a you're right there. Something like that. Yeah, you're close.

Good. Whatever. This one's got it. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? Yeah. Probably got one at the house. That's what I sleep on at night. Do you think shrimp belongs in an omelet? Absolutely not. No. No. Lobster. That's a different story. OK. an omelet? Absolutely not. No. No, lobster, that's a different story. Okay.

What am I, trash? What would be your classic breakfast that you would have if you were like out? I love an Eggs Benedict. You like an Eggs Benedict? An Eggs Benny. An Eggs Benny with something sweet at the end, maybe a little pancake.

All right, straight up Eggs Benedict, Eggs Florentine, Eggs Crab Cake. Classic Benny, but the Hollandaise sauce has to be good. Okay, very like you know you have to get find a good place All right, what are you buying stuff at the duty free shop at the airport? uh I I get snacks. Yeah, I get snacks okay I get any other shop and you go into like the Hugo boss and shit that I did team. Oh, that's pretty trashy What is that?

Yeah, I get sucked into the cheap website cuz I'm like it's like cheaper than it's like discount Amazon It all takes like five weeks to get to you and it comes with like it comes like I forget the box has like stamped Import papers on it like it's not it's not coming in like as Amazon But it's coming in the shipping container it comes with like bugs and like a note to save a child There's like blood on my new broom. It's crazy. It's yeah. No. Yeah, it's pretty crazy But I've gotten some cool shit on it for like there's literally things for like two pennies on it I'm like, yeah Hey two cents to get a surprise in the mail in three months. That seems worth it for me any parking tickets right now

Yeah, jammed up. Well, I just got my Carrington's car towed a couple of days ago. OK, that counts. Someone else's car towed. Yeah. What the fuck, man? I borrowed his car to go to a show in Jersey and you brought it back and you're staying at the house and you parked it in a bad spot in Brooklyn. Toed. Wow. And listen to this.

The tow driver calls him and goes, hey, I have your car out front. If we could take it to the shop where you can bring down some cash and we could just get it off the thing. That's fucking gaty. I kind of respect it though. And he goes, how'd you get my number? And he wasn't answering.

So Alex's mom, the mother-in-law called and said, the tow truck driver just called me and said that he's about to tow your car, but he wants to make sure, see if you're home first. The whole thing was weird. And then he goes, how'd you find my mother-in-law's number? He goes, through the VIN. Isn't that weird? Yeah.

So tow truck drivers, they're on some sketchy shit. Yeah, that would usually be a situation where, would that be a private company that does it should be the city? It's not the PPA. That's Philly. I think this guy just had a tow truck from work. If you were blocked, if you were blocking someone's personal driveway or something and it's like ABC, towing, they call you parking. You'll be like it's all be posted.

You'll be told by ABC. I think this guy was off the clock. I saw the car just scooping it on. He said, let's see who if he's around and he wants to this guy was off the clock. I saw the car. Just scooping. He said, let's see who if he's around and he wants to just get it off the truck. How much did he want? Do you remember cash wise? We gave him 300. That's how much it will because it got a ticket before it got towed. Oh, so it got a ticket and then it got towed.

So you gave him 300 cash and he put it down. Yeah. What a fucking piece of shit. Damn, that's fucking fucked up. Yeah. Hmm. Ha. I mean, yeah, she's trash. What a fucking piece of shit damn that's fucking fucked up. Yeah, hmm I mean, yeah, she's trash. I don't know what we're doing here. It's fucking you know legendary Yeah, all that one of the Queens one of the the Queens of trash. Yeah, who's a trashiest person you've had here I think you're up there. Yeah, I know you're sure up there. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when I found out I was autistic You're for sure up there a lot of people

I mean dusty sleigh was real trashy if you know that's a and I don't but that is one of the trashiest names I've ever sure he's a good time. Yeah Yeah, I mean 90% of the people come through our fucking are pure dirtbags Yeah, but no one like in the layers that you have of I thought this was gonna be a redemption arc I mean you file you file taxes in the wrong state. have of, I thought this was gonna be a redemption arc. I mean, you file taxes in the wrong state. Yeah, but I fixed it. Yeah, that's what I respect you're focusing on, the fixing of it.

You know what? There's two producers that were doing a documentary on comedians' parents and nothing to do with the comics. And they interviewed like 20 comedians' parents, and when they came back from visiting my family in Florida to do interviews, they said, and their words directly said, yours were the worst, you should be in prison. Their ears were pierced and their hair was blonde.

Dude, they were like, we didn't have enough footage for how much your mom talked about herself. Yeah, they ran out of tape. And they were like, yeah, so I, yeah, I'm fucking how much your mom talked about herself. Yeah, they ran out of tape. They were like, yeah. So, I, yeah, I'm fucking making... We love it! The turnaround! Everybody loves the turnaround story. For sure, it's the American dream. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Kim Cogden, brand new special out on YouTube, Childless Milf.

Anything you should want the folks out there to know? Yeah, dude, I'll be doing the crystal ballroom in Somerville, Massachusetts Boston get out and see her please please come out. I have a few I'm not gonna lie I have a few more tickets. I need to sell it's a big fucking club it's on Friday the 24th crystal ballroom Boston calm buy tickets for that and Check out my podcast the Kim Cognon take over in this bitch. There you go. Love congratulations everybody buddy guys. Thank you. We love you kippy What do you got for guys? We just announced the route 66 tour all tickets are available at are you garbage calm? We're doing Chicago, Tosa, Oklahoma City, Las Vegas, LA start in Chicago and in in LA get them take all on the bus, baby

See in America gang. We love you, and we'll see you next week. Please