Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Krystyna Hutchinson Answers Your Questions!

Episode Date: February 18, 2021

Kippy and Foley are joined by returning guest and old pal Krystyna Hutchinson. We answer your questions and talk trashy tattoos, fighting with family, drag racing, and whole bunch more. Its a fun one! Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage?fan_landing=true https://stereo.com/kevinryan​​​​​ www.Stamps.com T-Shirts: https://www.PodcastMerch.com​​​​​ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage to show we sit down with your favorite comedians. We found the group classy or if they're absolute trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a little bit of a tense day down here in Tutti's basement. Oh boy.

I was upstairs getting a sandwich and I saw her and she got wind of the sellout on the new Are You Garbage home game. Oh yeah. And she's looking for a little bit of cake. She wants to wet her beak. She wants to wet her beak. She mentioned the name that dirtbags never want to hear, Judge Judy. Oh shit. Small claims court.

She might have another TV. I've been there before, Tutti. Might have another TV credit coming up. She's fucking on the prowl. My co is coming at you from right next to me. He's wearing his Christmas flannel. Looks fantastic. That's a Christmas present.

I like how we got some star power in here. We both wear collared shirts like fucking assholes. I'm honored. We're both typically in pajamas. I want it to look nice. Yeah. We got hutch coming in. You better dress up.

I got to take a shower at school picture day. Give it up for the boss, man. Kippy, Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody. Hey, gang. Thanks for having me, big man. I appreciate it. As always, please make sure. You're on the lease.

Yeah, of course. I'm the only one with keys. Please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Oh yeah. Full video available on YouTube. Oh yeah. You can subscribe there. Those numbers are true to fucking roof.

And then patreon.com. You can sign up. You get bonus content. You can get bonus episodes at AYG. Episodes of hard feelings. We do live streams. It's a whole fucking scene on there, baby. Get involved.

We have a nice little quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire, the pride of the Chicago comedy scene. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullen, everybody. What's up, dudes? What's up, T-Bone? There he is. Did a little Bud Light commercial.

I like that. Dude, fuck yeah. I'm doing great, man. I just found out that I was a Civil War general in a past life. That explains the haircut, T-Bone. This guy's all hopped up on goofball. T-Bone is teasing our incredibly special guest that's here with us today. That has certain views on the afterlife, which one in America.

You can have views that you want. This is a family episode. We got a little company in the house. If you haven't seen her episode, please go back and check it out. It was one of our early Zoom episodes. One of the original OGs. Yep. Came in, did us a solid, was on the pod.

We fucking love her. You guys love her. She has a brand new podcast out right now called The Voices in Our Heads. And of course, she is one half of the amazing guys we fucked only on Luminary. Do me a favor. Give me a nice big round of applause for the one, the only, Christina Hutchinson, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Happy to be here. You're the most staring at me in that last one. I thought you were like waiting for me to mess up. You're the host of the show. You're both the host. There's a lot of pressure. I got a collared shirt on here.

He does the intros. He gets nervous. He's a little flustered. Well, your shirt's buttoned up to the very top. He looks like a chola. What are you doing? I thought you would think that was cool. I'm trying to look cool.

Yeah, there you go. Relax. Stay awhile, will you? Can I have a decaf over here or something? This guy's all fucking tense. Buddy, good to see you. Good to see you, guys. I love this place.

Thank you. It reminds me of home. Yeah. I come from garbage, too. Your suburban Philly trash. Uh-huh. Doyle's town trash. Got a wall-wall tattoo.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, bitch. Yeah. Got an infilly. Uh-huh.

Stop running your fucking mouth over there, T-bone. Check him over there and scratch your eyeballs out. Uh-huh. My team wins or loses. I'm forgetting it. When did you get that recently or was that like? A year ago, almost exactly. Okay.

That's February in Philly. I was headlining Helium, which I'm going to be doing again in two months or whatever. That's a pro right there. A slip in the plugs in. Look at that. I love it. Well, every time I'm like, oh, every time I headline Helium, I'm going to get a tattoo. What are you going to get next?

Like the Philly fanatic or something? No. Oh, my God. No, that's a nightmare. Do you do the colored ones like Sagalow does? I want to. Oh, does he have colored tattoos? Well, he has like a whole car.

Oh. Oh, he's cover. Yeah, he's real trash tattoo. Not just like the outline. Well, so I want to do that. Yeah, I want to have more, but I'm dipping my toe into the tattoo. Is that your first tattoo? No.

That's my second. I got one on my finger. What's that? It says WWBD. It was written by Nadine Strauss and who's the first female president of the American Civil Liberties Union and it stands for what would Beyonce do. Oh, my God. And I got it with matching with my best friend that I don't talk to anymore.

Some things don't last forever. You know, what do you do? Yeah, you move on. Stick to the wall. I thought it was going to be like a class. Yeah, the first female president of North American Civil Liberties. Oh, it's Beyonce tattoo. Yeah, I don't get it.

Yeah. How was it? Say it to me one more time. So the handwriting, we wanted the handwriting if we could to be someone that we look up to. My friend and I that we don't talk to anymore. This was her mentor. She's a lawyer.

So, yeah, and she's this amazing woman who's written a lot of books on free speech and porn. Oh, so you had her handwriting. Yeah, we went out to dinner with her and we asked her if she would handwrite our tattoo. Wow. That's fucking deep. Yeah. She suggested one of the things.

She knew Ruth Bader Ginsburg. So at the dinner, she was like, oh, maybe Ruth would do it. And we're like, oh, wait, that's, yeah, actually, we want that. But then we're like, I feel bad. We kind of took you to the dinner to ask if you could write it. So she's very accomplished lady. And so I'm glad it's her handwriting. Who paid for dinner?

Oh, I think she, no, I think we split it. Really? We're working women. Yeah. We got jobs and bank accounts. How do you feel about, if you go out, all right, this is a kind of a segue into it. If you go out to dinner with a group of people, say there's five people, how do you like doing it?

Will you put your car down and take and say, hey, Venmomi, do you chop it up or do you go, hey, I had the chicken fingers charge me the $9.99? Hang on. Let's say five successful people. Five successful people? Some of your peers. We split. We split it.

We split it. Just chop it down the middle. Yeah. And I will drink based on how much everybody else drinks. Oh, I don't do that. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I'll say, charge me an extra hundo. Kippy's having fun tonight. What situation do you have? Let his hair down. Do you have to begin? Will you take maybe a couple close friends out and you know you're doing better than them? Yeah.

If you took us out to dinner. I'd lay down my card. If we went out to dinner, you would trade? I don't know. This is a nice studio. Yeah. Your Patreon's doing well. Those are public numbers.

Dead lights are all rented. All right. Listen. Teabones expensive. You know what I mean? This is the best of Facebook Marketplace. Yeah. Yeah.

100%. Can I make the reservation at Ruth Chris or not? Give me. Shoot me straight. Yeah. With those shirts, you got to put in your fair share. I'm always a big splitter. Split it.

Yeah. Even on a date? Well, I'm married now, so she pays for most things. Sucker. Specifically this studio. Shout out. Nice. We got a little European money.

Yeah. We had a foreign investor that put up the upfront seed money. The seed money. Now look at us. Got Poland Springs all night long. I know. And you didn't even take the wrapper off. So that's, you don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Hey, you know what I mean? We'll give him a little shout out, huh? Wet your beak, Poland Springs. You got that garbage. You're good kids. Yeah. So many companies advertising.

I'm like, you don't need to advertise. We know you exist. Yeah. Yeah. Like an ad for M&Ms. I'm never going to not know. I'm never going to not. Yeah.

I used to do a joke about that. You could never make another Coke or Pepsi commercial again. No one's going to stop taking soda. Yeah. We'll remember forever. Yeah. It's crazy. So many companies bowed out at doing a Super Bowl this year.

Why spend the cash? They got us coming anyway. They just marketed on Facebook. There you go. All right. Now back to dinner. Hang on before we get started on here. Hungry man.

So if we went out to dinner, you would throw it down. No, not for you guys because you guys make money. Really? Yeah. Who would it have to be? It would have to be like a bro person. Yeah, bro person. Open my comic.

But also I'd have to like them. If I'm going out to dinner with them, I presumably, I like them. Sure. Sure. I'd have one for you. If you go out with your parents, will you be like, I got it? Or is there like a struggle? What's that like?

I haven't talked to them in about eight months right now. Oh, really? I saw a snippet about that on Instagram with you. I haven't seen Christina episode. Oh, shit. I didn't know. You got to go back and check it out. I started crying.

You got to go back and check it out. You guys are taking a little hiatus? Yeah. Well, for the foreseeable future. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because talk about, I don't know if this is a garbage move, but when I first started making money, I invested in a house with them so they didn't have to move to Florida.

Never a good idea. No. Yeah. But I own half the house. You bought their house. I did. I own half of it. We did an LLC so that I have, so I own property now.

You own 50% of the LLC, which owns the property. Is it the house you grew up in? No, but it's a really beautiful beach house in a New Jersey town that we grew up going to. Yeah. And now we don't talk. Not the house that you, not the house they lived in. Correct.

Yeah. But they do. They were living in that house. I remember. So, so, no, so they lived in Pennsylvania. Yeah. And then when they were going to move, their budget was Florida. And I was like, don't, but you don't know anybody there.

Just stay here. And so. They were going to move to retire. Kind of. Yeah. And so I was like, well, if I go in on the house with you, we can get this nice beach house. Sure.

It's a block away from the, and you can live there your round and then we can enjoy it. There you go. And now I'm not talking to them. What? Somebody didn't spring for the Mac in Mancos. Trouble in my life. Really?

Yeah. Well, now it's just Mancos. Yeah. It's because of money. Because of cash. No, it's not because of money. It's. There's some parties or something like that.

There's some illness on the side, not of mine. Sounds a lot like my family. Yeah. Shout out to the riots. So, you know, sometimes when you, when you don't set a boundary with a person your whole life and you just kind of cater to them and then you're like, you know what? I'm going to draw a line in the sand and they're like, what did you just say? You literally just described my whole entire life.

Holy shit. This is the hell I don't want to be part of. And then one of my parents showed up at my apartment after I specifically said, don't do that. And then in the morning I get up, but when you, when you wake up to a bunch of missed calls, it's never a joy. It's either really great news or very bad news and it's most likely very bad news. It's a lot of drama.

I'll go back to, are you psycho? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's watching us right now and getting nervous. She probably wants us to move on because I've been, there's been mention of a shore house in, in her near future.

Oh. Maybe. The Patreon site. What are you talking about? I cut your checks. Where are you getting that? Where are you getting shore house? You're saying a luminary.

Okay. I'm trying to string her along a little bit in case I need a little loan down the line. Yeah. Hang that over. He's also, he also talks about like, he's like, he was going away and he's like, God forbid the plane crashes. You're, you're still going to have to take care of my parents. We got to take care of my mom.

Do you guys have wills? We don't. I own nothing. But you got something, but what if you die? If I die tomorrow, I'm getting away with it. Yeah. That, it just got brought up in conversation. Chris and I are doing a, a finance series with, with luminary, with under guys we fuck.

And we've been interviewing all these finance experts and one of the women was like, you got to have a will. And I was like, really? You should have a will. Yeah. You should. But I'm like, I don't talk to my parents. I don't have a boyfriend.

I don't have kids. I can't be with my dog. I'll eat my social security number. I got a suicide note. That's what I got. That's my will. Yeah. Pin it all on Kippy.

I don't know how it got to this point. You only sign your debts away to him. He made fun of my shirt. Yeah. No, I don't have a will. I literally, I don't own. I don't own anything. I got a 2005 Mercury Montego.

That's a car. That's worth about. I mean, we'll want its past inspection at this point. They'll have to pay to take it away. Yeah. But you're married. You're going to have to donate the cars with kids. Oh, cars for kids.

And those four little bastards going to be stuck on the side of the road. I have, I might have of my liquid cash in my account. I just got a spit take off the big man. I might have, I'm being honest here. I might have hit that camera. This guy talking about liquid. I might, I might have frozen solid kid. What are you talking about?

I might have 250 bucks. Okay. Well, it'll probably go to your way. And I own the government a couple of bucks too. Yeah. A couple of bucks. Flaming that on a pandemic. I, one thing I've looked into over the pandemic is if I die, who has to pay my debt?

Does anybody really? To society. Someone's got to do a nickel on your behalf. Does somebody have to pay? Your whole bloodline. Your whole bloodline. That's what I looked into. Patty Foley's on a chain gang.

I can imagine death is a good way to get out of a bill. Oh, yeah. But I think, no, but you see. It's passed on with certain. How do you fake kill yourself? You said that. We'll talk about it after. Hide for a while.

Let's just say my real name is not Henry Foley. Thanks. All right. All right. Will you say we get into some fucking questions here? I think we should. We're already cooking with guests. I'll leave the fraud conversation behind.

I just started talking about my bad. I'm like, what are we doing here? This is fucking. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Guys. So when you join the, the Patreon, we will read your garbage questions. We just get so many every week that it's the only way to do it.

So when you sign up, read your questions, that's where we are at today, baby. And speaking of, do you have a car or no? No, I want one though. You want one? Yeah. I want a Dodge Charger. Damn. Yeah, I know.

I love cars. I'm garbage. I mean, I grew up. That's a trash car though. Like it's cool. But trash, but like, you know, cut off Jean Short's trash. Yeah. That's still trash.

I'm hot trash. It's fine. For sure. I would be intimidated by a girl on a charger. Thank you. That's good. That's what I'm hoping for. My personality.

I'm intimidated by a girl on the bus. What are you talking about? Pull up in my 05 Montego. She's revving her engine. Yeah. When you got a spineless personality, you need a car that says, don't fuck with me. Yeah. For sure.

For sure. What color would it be? Don't tell me. Orange. Oh, what is wrong with you kids? Everything. Everybody with the fucking orange these days. I don't want black or white.

What about yellow? Bumblebee. No. I'd rather have orange. Orange. That burnt orange ain't too shabby though. The cops are looking for that though. That's the new red.

Oh. What's she doing? Bank jobs? I don't know. Orange is red with a little yellow. She's always speeding down the shore. Make sure she gets it before her parents get there. I speed a lot.

Do you? Oh, my God. Let me ask you this. Would you get it? It's so funny. I forget that you're like pure bucks counting. Yo. I really forget that you're like, I went to high school with you.

Yeah. You are pure trying. Because you don't start in Philly. You started up here. Right. It's stand up, yes. Yeah. Damn.

All right. Well, this is from Pat. When pumping gas, do you take the nozzle out of the car when the dollar amount shows? Or do you really hold it in there to get the last couple of drops out? Because me and myself, I'm a big, I let it click and I do a couple of fucking shit. I got it all out. It's my gas and I need it now. You know what I mean?

J.G. Wentworth style. Hmm. I like an even number. Of course. I got to do the even number. They've made it a lot harder to do that. They did.

These days. Why? Because they're fucking dirt balls. And they know what they're doing. And also. They get trigger happy. This is the first time in my life that I've ever been able to not say, you know, give me 25 on this or give me 15 on that.

I actually go. I put my card in and I fill it up. Yeah. Fill up money. Well, you know what I mean? I got to fill up money. Definitely. Someone's skimming.

Someone's taking a skim off the books here. You're paying for our dinner. Yeah. I don't got to fill up money. That's AYG on the dark web. Backslash Hatch fully. And it, if I do do, if I do do, say 25, it starts really slowing down as it gets closer to 25.

Oh, yeah. If you don't have any, you don't have the technology for that thing to fucking stop on a dime. Right. Right. Because they want you to fucking not get the rest. Put the rest in your Poland Springs bottle. No.

They want, you know, even if. They want you to leave. They want you to leave and not get the full 25. This is garbage. No one pre-pays anymore though, right? Who pre-pays? I rarely pre-pay. Yeah.

Usually I don't. But when I do, that's the scam. That's a good point. Who pre-pays? No one pre-pays. Unless you don't have a card. Yeah. Unless you got to do cash.

Sometimes my card doesn't work at the pump. Or anywhere. Truth be told. Or most establishments. Sometimes my card doesn't work at the pump, but it works with the guy. I don't know why. Huh. It always says see cash here.

Isn't that a fun little ride to go on in emotional roller coaster? Like what? Yeah. I always think the final foot's going to drop. I know there's 40 bucks in there. Yeah. I've been terrorized by my card declining in circumstances that I did not want that to happen.

I, I, I still, regardless of how much money I do have in my account, I've never confidently swiped my debit or credit card. Ever. I have, I have five different excuses ready to go. I just deposited a check. I put cash. Yeah, it should work. I was traveling today.

I'm a veteran. I got everything. De-magnetized. Yeah. Which is bad because my wife, she, she still has a foreign credit card because we weren't able to get her banking shit set up yet. So it's all foreign. So sometimes they just like shut it down being like, oh, you've spent too much money

today in a different country. So then it's on me. You know what I mean? So like we'll go shopping. She'll be like, I want this coat. And she'll be like, oh, well, can you put it on your card? And I'm, I mean, I'm barely getting by with a couple of bucks. Put it on three cards.

Yeah. I was like, every time I'm like, please for the life of me, let this thing go through. What was the, what was the actual question? Uh, do you, do you shake to get the extra couple of drips out? Uh, shake it. It's not, you're not taking a leak. I just, I don't, that's when you prepay is asking. Yeah, I guess.

Otherwise you would stop on a dime. I'm not that garbage. Yeah. Yeah. I guess if you're prepaying for gas, you're hemmed up. I can't overfill. If mine fills up and it says, and it stops on its own, it's like 2331. If I give him, give it a little bit more, it comes out, it spits it up.

Oh, yeah. My car spits it up. It's full. When it's full. It's full. Yeah. Way later. That's what I thought you were going to go.

Do you guys leave the car running when you pump gas? No. Really? No. I see. I do. I think that's old wives tale. Why?

Yeah. But why leave it on? Why risk it? Yeah. What do you get out of it? Feel alive. I actually drove by a gas station not that long ago where the thing went off. You know, the suppression.

Really? Yeah. It was all pink. There was some dude in there too fucking wiping off his, he got, he got, he got caught in it. What was he doing? He was probably trying to get gas and something happened where the fucking thing went on. What thing?

Like there's like that system, like the fire extinguisher where it just shuts down the whole parking lot. I've never experienced that. I've never, I've only ever seen it. I can't even know that. I didn't know that was a thing. What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

That's relatively new. I feel that. They didn't have that in the 90s. In a Wawa parking lot when you have the Wawa gas station combo. They have that. And everybody smokes cigarettes in the Wawa parking like dangerously close to the propane tanks. Yeah.

And they have a little like, please don't smoke, but they're not very forceful about it. Like this thing could go up at any minute. Ever know anybody that pulled away with the nozzle still in it? Yes. My mom. Really? My mom did that or was that my friend's mom?

Somebody, somebody's mom did that. Yeah. I saw some lady driving in the street with her one time. They have it set up now, so it's not really that big of a deal. Yeah. It's like with a new MacBook thing. You just like, it just connects. Yeah.

It just connects. It just clips out. Yeah. In the same vein, this is from Ryan and the Facebook group. Have you ever used the gas pump specifically as a parking spot and didn't get gas? You like pulled in. Oh, and Wawa? Parked there and then walked in and shopped.

Yeah. That's a dirt ball move. That's a dirt ball move. That's the closest I ever come to like, I'm going to prepay. That's a real trashy move. Well, sometimes those parking lots are aggressive places. Yeah. Oh, for sure.

You get to fight. Yeah. You've got to fight in a gas station parking lot. I've definitely, I've definitely yelled some things with the windows up for sure. Sure. If you want to consider that a fight. Windows up. I'm a pussy.

Well, see, that's also like, yeah, that's the difference between girls. Yeah. No one's going to beat you up. Yeah. There's, there's, it's shorter to a fight for sure in a guys, especially in a Wawa parking lot in Philly. Yeah. But that's what I'm saying.

Dude, my head, dude, I treat it like a bank job. Head down. Don't make eye contact. I've been turning into a spot as some chick just goes, me, and then just takes it and I'm like, oh, bitch. It's usually like a fucking 98 Cavaliers or something like that. Oh yeah. Or like a, like a Dodge Neon with like a spoiler and you're like, ugh.

Which we were just on. The Neon is the trashiest course. That's like a girl fight at the door of a Wawa. My first boyfriend drives in a Dodge Neon. Really? And he put little blue lights on it. What color was it? White.

Oh God. I think it was about three or four dollars. What's he doing now? Nothing. He's a wedding videographer. Sounds about right. Yeah. Still driving that same Neon.

I hope. In my, in my, in my mind, yes. Gang, I can't tell you what a hoot Kippy and I are having over there. I'm the old stereo up. We got a fantastic show where we ask, answer your questions every Thursday night at nine o'clock. Yeah, guys. Check it out.

We're having a good time, baby. I let loose. I have a couple of cocktails on there. It's fun. We get to record your garbage questions. You send them into us. We play them live on the broadcast. We answer and we chop it up.

It's a good time. Get involved. Stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan or slash H Foley. We get to wet our beaks a little bit. See you there. That's right. It's live. It's free and it's fun.

We'll see you then. Kip, I got to be honest with you, man. Making trips to the post office doesn't make my day. Had to do it a couple of times last week. Oh boy. It's not fun. I know you folks out there don't like making multiple trips to the post office. That's why we're recommending our new sponsor and mailing and shipping with stamps.com.

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Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Now back to the show. Yeah. We would drag race, too. Because I drove a Honda and it was stick shift. My parents made me, like, if you're going to drive, you have to drive a stick shift because my mom got ran over by a truck on the beach once in Florida when she was 18.

Sorry to laugh. That was just not your story. My mom got ran over by a truck on a beach once. Yeah, she did. And she had to drive herself to the hospital because her friend couldn't drive stick. And then two days later, she met my dad and my dad was like, you look like you got hit by a truck. And she was like, hmm, well.

I was on the beach. That's how they met. Jesus. But yeah, so that's why I needed to learn. But I love stick. You have more control of the car. Of course. And you can drag race and go around curves tighter.

So you got the charger. You can get it in stick? Nah, not in the city. Yeah. I haven't drove stick in a while. I never really knew. Did you? Yeah.

And I had to drive the first. Yeah, same thing. I had, we had to learn stick. We were poor. We were poor. We were poor. Yeah. Yeah.

The first car I had was a stick. Hold on. You failed your driver's test three times. Because the damn parallel parking, that's the only part that got me. I got psyched myself out. And also in the suburbs, I remember being like, I'm not going to parallel park ever. Ever. Yeah.

And I got the mean guy. There was one guy. There's always a guy. Especially in the small town. You don't want to get Mr. Roberts. Yeah. And he's like, you don't want the guy with the white beard and the white hair. He's going to, he's going to like make you feel terrible the whole time.

I'm like, oh, and I got him all three times. Jesus. Yeah. We called a three point turn back then. K-turn also. Yeah. K-turn. Yeah.

Did you do lessons or did you just learn with your parents? Yeah. My parents just, my dad taught me in the parking lot of the school. Yeah. And he got real pissed off that I was fucking up his clutch. I'm like, hey, you wanted me to do this. So. Yeah.

Usually ruin your first clutch. Yeah. My dad got in a fight doing the same thing on Kathcart Road over by Montgomery County Community College. Oh, Monco. Little inside baseball right there. Yeah. Yeah.

That's my blue bell. To the point that I got out of the car and started walking away and he was in a passenger seat. Wow. What the fuck? You didn't put it in park, asshole. He's fruzy. He's floating away.

See you later. But we had to go, we had to take the class at Monco. Oh. For so our insurance would be lower. My mom had all the tricks. Yeah. Smart. Yeah.

My dad would just let me drive his Jeep in, I was like 15 probably. And he would just be like, stay in the parking lot of his office, which I mean it was like a big parking lot. So I was like 15. But you zipped around? Dude, I thought I was in a rap video. I had the windows down. I was bumping power 99.

Do you remember the first time you were in a car by yourself that you drove to a place? Do you remember where you rode to? I don't know. But I do remember my mom saw me driving. Like she drove, she drove by like my dad's off and I was like fucking doing donuts in the back. And she's like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, nothing.

Checking the brakes. 25 point inspection. I don't remember that. I remember the first time I got on the highway by myself and I remember being petrified. Yeah. Scary. Petrified. Now I'm doing 90 down the highway.

I love driving. Well, you're not getting a charger. You're talking like this. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I love driving.

I love it. I want to get a car just to drive it. When you go on the road and do you rent cars? Yeah. Or would you be like, give me, I want like, you know, something fun to drive. Yeah. The guy at my local Avis knows me. So if I go in when he's there, he gives me like, one time he gave me a Corvette and

I was like, yes sir. Really? You drove a Corvette? Oh my God. Yeah. Well, for my birthday in LA when I turned 30, I wanted to rent a 2019 Corvette and I did. And it was the shit.

Man, you are trash. Yeah. Such trash. Why would you want to rent a car on your birthday? You're going to get, you're going to be great. What was in LA? I needed to rent it anyway. Yeah.

I needed it. You're going to be boozing. Yeah. Whatever. I don't, I don't need them. I went, did some trips where I took an Uber, but like, I just like driving so much. Man, that's caravaggio. Renting nice cars is crazy.

Yeah. Why? I don't know. It's just, I know. It's just so out of my wheelhouse. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense to me. That's too funny.

Well, in LA rental cars are cheap in New York. Yeah. It's like $400 a day. They got to get you coming. In LA? No. Here. Oh yeah.

Yeah. I can't afford it. All right. Pretty trash. You have an Avis guy too. Uh-huh. He's a nice guy. Have you got someone at your local rental rental car?

Yeah. Enterprise. All right. Avis. I can see. Avis. Man. But then zip car.

I have a zip car membership. I got. That's crazy expensive. Speaking of trash. I got the rent. Yeah. The rentals are, but it's like nice to not deal with anybody. The last rental I got, because I did a gig in Long Island and I was like, I'm going

to drive to it. I had credit on my zip car. The car had just been crashed into it. And I was like, really? And then you open the seat. Sucker. You open the door and you're like, did someone diarrhea everywhere? It was stained crumbs.

And I'm like, ugh. I missed my Avis guy. Yeah. I did zip car once. I forget what it was. I had that. And Enterprise did it too. I had a couple of them.

And I was always trying to jockey. It was like the first Uber who had the cheaper deal. And I'm like, oh, I'll do this. And I went. It was like a parking lot. You know what I mean? Just like a parking garage. And I went in.

And I guess not a lot of people use it. And it was there. And the attendants had the keys to it. And they're like, well, this is not really one person's car. This is just like this car. So the attendants used to just sit in it and smoke. Smoke burning. And I literally pulled up.

I'm like, yeah, I'm here to check out the zip car, the camera, or whatever. And there was a guy smoking a blunt in it. And I was like, he's like, yeah, here you go, man. Just put the four windows. I'm like, all right. But I'm like, can you call? I got that reminded me.

I'm like, can you call? I want to call a zip car and be like, why'd you give me a car that was crashed into? Can I get my money? You should at least get some more credit. Get credits. Yeah. Give me my credits back.

Damn. All right. Let's see. This episode is not brought to you by Zipcar. Fuckers. This is from Alex Sherman. When you were a kid, this is a 100% third ball move. When you were a kid, did your parents ever take your bedroom

door away? Holy shit. That was all I had was my bedroom door. Bedroom door, yeah. No, no, no. They did not. Yeah. I think she did.

Foley, what'd you do? I don't know. I got that door in my house. No one's jerking off into my room. You got caught touching yourself? Jesus sees everything, Henry. We were never allowed to have our doors closed. Ever?

I never made sense to me. Ever? Even by yourself? No. We weren't allowed to have the doors closed. Why? It sounds like some commie bullshit. This is America, baby.

They knew what we were doing. Listen, if a door was closed in my house, somebody was jerking off. Yeah. Cool. It didn't matter who. A plumber, your mom, anybody? It didn't matter who it was.

Foley jerks off like he was in a POW camp. He's getting whipped. We have a minute. Or you jerk off behind your door that's open. Oh, that's pretty good. The Freddy Krueger. You got to be okay. Yeah.

You just got to be okay doing it standing up. Did you have to have the bathroom door open? Yeah. Bathroom door. They like to watch. No, you were allowed to have the bathroom door. I don't think we were allowed to lock it. You couldn't lock your bathroom.

Not that we weren't allowed, but we didn't. It was clearly frowned upon. Yeah. It was clearly. Why is that door locked? What are you doing in there? It'd be like that. I'm trying to get off.

You might. Give me some fucking privacy. Just watch Married with Children. What do you think I'm doing in here? I'm working it. Man, that would get you going. Where'd you jerk off in your car? Where'd you jerk off?

In my car. What am I? 12 years old with a car? Oh, I'm taking 15. At the office. In my bed. Oh. In my bed at night.

With the door open. With the windows down. Yeah. Set the alarm for 3 a.m. to wake up. Make sure the rest of the house is sleeping. Knocked the dog out. No, but I remember she took the door. They took my door off the hinges and set it there.

Wow. That's a power move. Power move. I can't remember why, what I did. I'm sure I deserved it. I don't know. I think so. You probably did.

Yeah, I can't remember. From what I know. If we lived together, I would have taken your door off. I was a real bad kid. I was a bad kid. He's a bad adult. What are we talking about? What'd you do as a kid that was bad?

Caused a lot of trouble. Get more specific. Never cleaned my room. Ran off at the mouth. Got some fights in high school and stuff like that. I mean, but that's kid stuff. It's like the sand lot. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Killed my neighbor. I drowned the dog. Damn. Yeah. I never had that. No. All right.

Were you allowed to have your doors locked? Yeah. I was. The parents were divorced. It was just my night. Nice. She was working. It was like.

They got other fish to fry. Yeah. It was like, and my brother was bad. It was like, as long as I knew, I'm like, well, there's the line. If I just hang out. Staying under the radar. If I hang out in the back. I mean, if I'm not the biggest problem that day, I'm cool.

Sure. I just fucking. He was the one. Lay low. He was the one storming the beach. I was just hanging out in the back. And you were allowed to have your door locked? I was.

Yeah, I can have it locked. No one. You have a brother? Yeah. An older brother. An older brother. Yeah. I feel like girls got away with their doors being closed more.

Yeah. I guess I mean. There's a privacy thing. My parents. Younger girls. Yeah. But they also. Yeah.

But young boys were humans. We don't need privacy more or less than you. But my parents were fighting so much that they didn't have time to worry about it. Nice. So yeah. I see the fighting continued too. Just with you now. Yeah.

This is in the same vein. This is from Corey. Did the front door of your house open up directly into your living room? No. We had a foyer. But my parents did smoke. Where else would it open? My parents did smoke cigarettes in their garage closed.

And then sometimes they would leave that door open, which opened to the living room. And that was just. Did both your parents smoke? Both of them smoked. My dad smoked two packs a day. And then he just quit because one of their friends died of cancer. Yeah. He just quit.

And now I smoke. Yeah, me too. And I'm like, this is fun. Yeah. Were you like a smoking section kid? Like we were the, when we went somewhere, we were in the smoking section. No, we didn't do that. They kept the smoking to the garage.

Would they go out? When you're eating a meal, would they, would your mom or dad get up during the meal and go out and have a smoke? I don't remember. That's always trashy. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, they probably did.

I know we didn't sit in the smoking section. My dad never did it, but my dad would get up and, or my mom would get up and like, you know, after the appetizers between the entrees. That's just need to mow me away from her family. That's so trashy. Get me out of this. Come back reekin'. That's one of the beautiful things about a cigarette is like the break from whatever

you're doing. Yeah, you're stepping into the escape. That's the thing I like about it. Oh, of course. I want to quit one day for sure, but I'm like, I still want that escape. I need a reason to go stand outside for three minutes. Yeah. Smoking a wedding is really nice.

Especially because people are smoking that don't normally, hey, who's got them? Yeah. I feel like a drug dealer. Over here. Here's some real garbage. Have you ever been to the one smoking section at Disneyland? Oh, yeah. It is the most depressing place on earth.

Mm-hmm. It is so sad. It's like people with no arms. Yeah. Tobacco town. Yeah. And there's only one smoking section, so you're all like herded into this little fence of shame.

Yeah. Everyone just nasty. You're like an exhibit for everybody else to look at. Come meet Ricky the Mouse. Yeah. And all the parents are like, that's what you could end up like, honey. And you're like, ugh. All right.

Fuck you guys. That's fucking nice. There's a smoking section at Disneyland? Yeah. You can't just smoke anywhere. There's one in each park or whatever. It's just like a little corral where you can't smoke. There's six flags.

There's like 20 smoking sections. Well, six flags is a little lower caliber human than Disney. Disney's about a fucking G-Hod to get in there. Six flags is a can of coke. Even Disneyland? What's Disneyland in California? That's California. I've never been.

Is that the one you were talking about? Yeah. There's one smoking section. Yeah. Wait, did you go there as a kid? No. Disneyland is an adult. OK.

I was going to say, did you go to Disney World as a kid? Yes. My grandparents lived in Florida. Yeah. Did you ever hit the smoking section of an airport? Yeah. I've walked by them. Because some places don't have them.

But I'm like, oh, I've never seen this. Really? It's like a shed in the terminal. Yeah. It's glass doors. And they're clear. But you can't see anything because there's just so much. You're in a hot box of burnings.

And you're in a sauna. It's just Japanese businessmen on their last leg. Yeah. And it's always leathered women. Yeah. Leathered women. It's tough. And dude, you can't get the smell out for a fucking week.

Your luggage, everything. Your hair is fucked. Your shoes. Yeah. I was just saying, I went away. I went to this nice resort last weekend for my anniversary. And they had a sig hut like hidden out front. He's in the Poconos.

Relax. Very nice though. It's very nice. He's shits on it. Was it in the Poconos? Yeah. It wasn't not in the Poconos. It wasn't not.

It was Pocono-ish. It was the greater Pocono region. It wasn't France. Let's put it that way. It's called Woodlock Lodge. It's very nice. It's very expensive. We couldn't have went to fucking Europe for the amount of money we fucking spent.

But they had a sig hut. Hidden. Doors? No, outdoors. Okay. Because it's so like. Like a gazebo? Yeah.

It's a gazebo with a heater. And I was, nobody else was in it for the like 48 hours I was there. Except me. And I was loving it. I was treating it like my VIP section. And they're changing. I had my feet up. I was in my robe.

Just going to town. Have you ever bought a carton? I've never bought a carton. I can't move myself to do it because it's too garbage. It is. Well, not anymore. It isn't. It used to be.

They used to get like a price break on them now. It's just the same price. But when I would go. Really? Yeah. I think that changed a couple of years ago. When I was, when I first moved up here and we were really fucking poor, like, you know, doing open mics and shit.

Yeah. And I would go down to Philly. I would get a carton in Philly because it was like, I don't know, 60 bucks or 70 bucks or something. Whereas a pack here was like 14 bucks. Yeah. No, my, when I was a kid, I would drive, we would drive down from Virginia to North Carolina to get a cartons of cigarettes because my mom.

Just four cartons? Yeah. Oh, God. It was like a 12 minute drive. We lived in Chesapeake, Virginia. So it was close. Okay. But it was like, you know, like a 20, 30 minute drive, but just to get cartons.

Anytime you cross the lines for tobacco, fireworks, alcohol, it's bad news. Yeah. Philly, the big thing was ride a Delaware and get the booze. Oh. Or people go to Delaware to get like TVs and stuff. Or something on a Sunday. Sales tax. Yeah.

This, I don't know who this was, but have you ever been, oh, here it is. This is from Kristen. Have you ever been drunk at an amusement park? No. I don't like day drinking. Day drinking. Yeah, I get sleepy. Get her out of here.

I'm just going to go to sleep right away. That's offensive, yeah. I'm going to go to bed right away. It's like, it's like, it's a game that you got to push through it. You can't slow down. I'm not, I don't have that hootspa in me. I don't have the push through it. Have you been drunk at an amusement park?

Oh yeah. I mean, you do the countries at Disney World. You get a drink in each country. We're trash. We go as a whole family because you go to all like, that's an Epcot, I guess. So you do all the Magic Kingdom and whatever. And then you go to, I think it's Epcot has eat the countries, right? Yeah.

There's like China and Germany. And in each place you get a different drink to have like a cocktail of that region. Oh, that's fun. I would do that. Yeah. I made it to like fucking Japan before I caused a fucking scene, dude. I was like Godzilla in that motherfucker. I was fucking yelling and shit.

Fuck you mean I can't have another one. You get cut off at Epcot, that's sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the time you get to Asia, you're smoking wherever it doesn't matter. Kicked out of Yugoslavia? I imagine when I smoke it's like a French girl, but it's not how it comes off. No, that's the other thing. French people smoke way hotter.

Oh, your opinions do it. It's very like the... I tried, but I'm like... I'm real bad with it. The fact that I smoke in is bad. It's a shirt on tux, you're in a parking garage. It sticks on me more, the smoke. I don't know why.

He comes in here and he's like, how are you doing? It's tough. Wow. It's like a bus driver. Maybe when you... If you sweat while you smoke, and it just gets absorbed. Well, there's a bigger surface here. There's more cloth you get stuck on.

Gets in my clothes. You're like a comforter smoking. Like a fire blanket with a cigarette. But I feel like when a girl smokes, sometimes that smell is kind of sexy. Oh, really? It's like a mix of cigarette and perfume. You don't remember that when you were a kid? Oh, yes.

That's my mom. That's my mom. Ew, Polly wants to burn his mom. You just described Patty. Oh, Henry, take your door off. Dangerous. I'm coming over. Are you jerking off again?

Put your little peat around. I won't take your peat. Shout out to Patty who's watching us right now. Weird. No, you don't remember that like a... That was the most genuine weird ever. I loved it. It was a genuine relationship with our own mother.

That's unique. You don't remember like the babysitter when you were a kid? Like the hot babysitter that smelled like perfume and a cigarette? No. Most of my answers. Oh, I'm the weirdo? No. I understand what you're saying, but I didn't sexualize you.

I've seen a couple of you. I'm a loser. Not too shabby. You're closer in age to them than me. All right, let's see. This is from Nick. Has your family ever taken a cast off at home to save a trip to the doctor? Jesus.

That's funny. Which I... My brother has taken his own off for sure, and I've helped a friend take theirs off. I never had a cast. Really? But I did just locate my elbow while my parents were having an Amway meeting in their living room. And let me tell you something. Oh my God.

It hurt. My brother was pulling me. Wait, what's Amway? Amway. That's the pyramid scheme. It's like Avon. Yeah, it's like Avon, but like trash Avon, if you can imagine. Amway, they sell like steaks and stuff.

It's so funny because like on the surface, you look so like... I'm not, man. And you are pure garbage. Yeah. Trashola. Oh, man. Doing an A to... Mom, can we go to the hospital?

I dislocated my elbow. No, let me finish this fucking pyramid scheme. Let me tell you about how many steaks I sold in the middle. Christina, be quiet. We're grifting over here. We need this money. Look at elbow. You'll go later.

Bring her in. That's the final pitch. My mom pushed Avon for a little bit. Yeah, my grandma did Avon. A little skin so soft. And my parents, we had a lot of Avon like glassware growing up. We also had a lot of Trump glasses, like from the casinos. They all, they went to the casinos a lot.

What did they play? Did they have like a game they played? I don't know, like the slots. Yeah, you seem like slots people. Not gonna lie. Yeah, not gonna lie. A bunch of slots. You guys, I'm getting the stuff.

I'm getting a jackpot vibe off you. Slots. That was my nickname in high school. Put a quarter in. See what happens. Oh, Nichol Slott Hutchinson, everybody. That was such a prude. I like to think I was his love.

What did your parents do growing up? Job wise. Dad was in the Navy. Got drafted into the Navy. Got drafted a week before he got his college acceptance letter. So he was like, all right, I guess I'm doing this. And then he stuck with it. And then he had all these jobs afterwards that were like very confusing for me.

He was a chief in the Navy. And then I remember he worked at Pizza Hut after he retired. He got held up by gunpoint twice. And he's like, all right. What Pizza Hut? In Virginia Beach. Damn. And then he swept parking lots.

Like their pizza down there, huh? He drove one of those parking lot sweepers. Sweepers? Yeah. And I'm like, wait, you were just in the Navy. Huh? Yeah. That's a, that's a.

I think he just wanted something to do. That's a, that's an odd move. Damn. Yeah. He's like, I just want to see. See what this is like. But he's a car guy too. So I thought he was going to, you know, do car stuff.

But no. He was a car guy. That's where you get to charge your phone. Yeah. He has a 76 Trans Am that I almost bought. But another one. That's the, that's nice. But that's the trashiest of the car.

Very trash. The Trans Am with the bird. With the bird on the hood. The teetop. The teetop. No, no teetops I wish. But it was white with the blue stripes and the blue bird. Yeah.

Oh, I know it. My brother. There you go. That's a good car for you. And my brother's first car was a 68 Camaro. Because she's trash. Yeah. That's what I mean.

Oh, we had, we had though. We had a, we lived in a nice neighborhood because we had our house built in Virginia. It was cheap. Nice houses. Just before or after Pennsylvania. This is before. Before PA. I was born in PA.

Moved to Virginia for 10 years back. And they came back. Yeah. We had. It's a Lawrence clear up. Yeah, right. We went junking. So my parents had an antique store in a flea market and it would go through people's trash

to get, to collect stuff. And we had a van that was so disgusting looking that our neighbors would like, write us passive aggressive letters to say like, you need to move that van to the store. What kind of van was it? It was, I don't know what the brand was. But it was just like all, every kind of brown you can imagine striped like plaid. It was a plaid van. It was bad.

Man. It smelled like cat piss. What did your dad want for the, for the Trans Am? Was it, was he giving you a good deal or no? I don't remember. 37,000 dollars. Is this recently? Yeah.

I was, I was going to buy it a year ago and then we kind of, and then COVID happened. We were like, I don't know, but I wouldn't drive it in the city. I'm like, I've got to keep it a garage. I'm going to drive that in the city. You have to keep the charger in a garage too. If you got a new charger. Absolutely. I could drive that, you know, I could drive people around in that.

That could sit, you know, it's too, too door. The one that I'm thinking of, but it has good back seats. Yeah. It's a big car. Yeah. Bokey. Damn. All right.

This is from Mike. Have you ever had black lights or black light accessories? Yeah. I have one now. You do? I got one. I went to Spencer's gifts with Corinne. We went to the American dream ball and those balls.

You two are garbage. I know. Your place is a little tripped out too. I know. You have, wait, hold on. Put a pin in there. You have the coolest apartment, by the way. Thank you very much.

Yeah. What do you call that? Your room up there. It's like a nook. It's like a little weird room. Yeah. It's like an elevated clubhouse. It's really cool.

Yeah. That you can't stand up in. It's nice. Yeah. So I bought one of those like globes where you turn it on and there's all these like pink stuff. And when you touch it, it like. The static one?

Yeah. It's awesome. Shit. It's so cool. Dude, that is. It's like $25. Growing up, did you have the stars on the ceiling? Yes, I did.

The planet. The planet. Man. I had a black light in college, but that was just for acid purposes. It had a function. Yeah. You got a couple of scientists. What else?

I guess it's just a trippy look, the black light, other than like, did someone jizz on my bed? Yeah. Now. Unless you're doing drugs, I don't know why you would have a black light. Wait, they're for drugs? Yeah. I mean, to.

What drug? Cocaine? No, to be like, look at that. It's cool. I guess. Oh, like do drugs and then turn the black light on. Exactly. Yeah.

Any time. As a trip out. You rolled to a party and they got a black light. It was always a roll of the dice to see what was going to be on your, you're like, ah, see fucking. You're like, ah, I spilled a meatball on there earlier. Whatever you know. I mean, fucking every stain shows up.

You look like a real jerk off. Oh, yeah. I hated that. Yeah. I guess a black light is a douchey move at a party. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see who doesn't clean themselves.

Exactly. That's some passive aggressive bullying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Talk about microaggression. That'd be pretty fun. Hit people with the black light when they walk into your place.

Just check yet real quick. You guys. You wouldn't be allowed in anywhere. You guys should sneak in. I mean, I guess you could only do it once. The bit wouldn't work unless, but like all of a sudden you're talking to somebody who you think hasges all over them and then drop the lights on them and just switch in a party mode.

That'd be fun. Uh-huh. I like it. Prank time. I could do that in here. I love pranks. That's the idea. Fair enough.

Yeah. Replaced. Yeah. If you're out while shopping then decide you don't want them and just drop them wherever. Yes. Oh, man. I was going to start an Instagram account called Fuck These Groceries and it was just like misplaced.

That's pretty funny actually. Like a pack of ham and like a cereal aisle. Wait. I don't see that. It makes me laugh. Groceries? Groceries I can't do. Clothes.

I go through like it's my closet. No. I have. I got a bigger bone to pick with you. Groceries, who cares? It's whatever. It's chaos already. Somebody's got to fold those clothes though.

So you're going to ruin that product. Well, I'm saying if it's like. Yeah, you might. Yeah. It's like a 15 pound ham. Yeah. Don't put it with the fucking canned goods. But I mean, if you have a thing, a can of corn, you can put it with the beans or whatever.

It doesn't matter. I don't know. Yeah. All right. But it's disorienting to see. If you take it off the shelves, they can't sell it anymore. Yeah. You're talking about perishable items.

And then yes, they do. They put that shit right back. Oh, they do. Yeah. I've worked at. I've worked at grocery stores. Clothing stores are set up weird. Like you don't have to make it that hard for everyone to like who works there.

You know, one little flick of the rack and it's all fucked up. I hate it. I just have to fold. Fuck. I fold it. 10,000 pairs of jeans. What are you going to do otherwise? What do you mean?

What are you hanging out? You're working. You should go around and keep folding. Oh, I fucking hate you. You're in the dressing room. Do you have this in a 7 XL? Shocker. They don't fit.

Meanwhile, someone asked the fucking food runner for a water, folial, stab you in your throat. Yeah. Meanwhile, like if you don't, if you don't have perfect etiquette in a fucking restaurant, you get mad when people want to just split the bill or live in a society here. Yeah. As you're throwing t-shirts behind you like a jerk. It's a society until you step into Hollister, then it's fucking Vietnam.

And first of all, I only shop at low end places. I do it at like Kmart and Walmart. They're expected animalistic behavior. They'd be suspect if I did put it back. This guy's a narc. This guy just folded his own t-shirt. This guy's a narc. I'd say he gets stabbed.

He's probably. Have you ever tried to fold it and you're like, yeah, this is way, and you're like, yeah, you try. I try. It's like a Pinterest fail where you try to make a cake that looks like Mickey Mouse and it just looks like an asshole. I'm always impressed that people do know how to do that well. That can fold clothes.

I always fold it. I always put it back. At least make an attempt. Where it goes? Yeah. That's nice. And I'll even like fit. It's just because I've been, I've been so mad at someone who's like picked up a t-shirt

and then dropped it. Well, that's right. Run like a freshly stacked thing. Yeah. I fucking hate it. It's a big pet peeve of mine. It's true. What do you want from me?

I feel the tension. Yeah. Wow. This is from Isana. Have you ever had to ask a friend for your, or has a friend ever asked you for urine? Or have you ever asked anybody for it? They know not to go to me. Yeah.

No shit. Have you ever had to go to anybody for it? I've never had a test. Really? If a job requires me to give them your sample, that's not a company that I want to be a part of. I don't like your mission statement, dorks. Yeah.

Fucking nerves. I believe this is intrusive of my personal rights. I've had people asked, have asked me for sure, because I never really, I never smoked weed in high school. So I was, I always had the goods if you needed it. We always just did the thing, you get a G and C, the gallon thing. But it's like, what is marijuana going to do to your job? You know what I mean?

If you suck at your job, you suck at your job. It's not because of the weed. It gets you kicked off the football team. Oh. Yeah. I guess. It's no good. Yeah.

Did you get kicked off the football team? No. Were you on the football team? I was on the football team. Nice. But there was always threats of getting kicked off the football team. And yeah, we were smoking. Fully, if you're smoking at cheap, you're going to be a hit the bricks.

I find reefer in your bag. We were smoking doobies. So we'd get that gallon tea any time there was ever a threat of it. Yeah. I was a theater kid. We were all high and fingering each other and no one cared. Damn. I should have been in a theater.

Could have been high fingering myself. Yeah. Yeah. Yourself? Sure. Damn. Hey, where's everybody else? Is there supposed to meet?

Okay. Where's your blacklight on me? What's going on? All right. This is from Matthew. Is it classy or garbage to put your chocolate candy in the freezer before eating it? I mean, I do it. Gentleman's moves.

Yeah. I think it's the right move. Gentleman's moves. It's a whole different piece of candy. Sure. It's a different experience. You're elevating the experience. Especially for storage.

You're not going to get to it right away. Yeah. And just adding temperature to texture. 100%. I mean, if you could, why wouldn't you? What's your go-to candy bar? You can't chocolate bar. What are you doing?

You going like high end? Or you going like Snickers? What are you doing? No, I do Reese's. I love freezing Reese's. Man. Talk about America right there. That's right.

Freezing Reese's all day, patio. Fucking Apple Pie right there. Yeah. Yeah. Fourth of July. She was a hookah. Red, white, and blue. I'll tell you that.

Reese's being a buttercup. Good night. They're coming out with a show based on the history channels, The Men Who Made America. No. They're coming out with one, The Candies That Made America. Oh. The whole story of like Hershey's and all these people. Ooh.

Yeah. Are you narrating it? Have you gone to Hershey, the Hershey ride in Hershey, Pennsylvania? I've been to Hershey, yeah. Me too. Many times. That was fantastic. That was fancy.

Not fancy for us, though, but like. It was a step up from Six Flags. Yeah. The default was Six Flags. Yeah. And it was like, we did Six Flags every now and then, but then Hershey was only like, we'd done twice in a life. It's like, yeah.

Six Flags, your life is in the hands of a 15-year-old. But then Hershey, your life is in the hands of like a 20-something Amish woman. Yeah. And you can have a nice dinner. Right, yes. Yeah. And see a show. Man, Six Flags.

I haven't been to Six Flags in a long time, but I mean, the clientele there is tough. Oh, that's bad. That's what's crazy. I remember I was a camp counselor one time and we went to Six Flags like as, like, we took all the kids to Six Flags. Show you what can happen to you. See, don't stay in school. And there was multiple people wearing jeans in the wave pool.

And I was like, what are we doing? Why do you hate yourself so much? What are we doing? I'm like, I'd rather you naked or in your underwear. In your underwear. Yeah. I remember the safari at Great Adventure was pretty good. I never got to go on that.

It wasn't bad. Was that with the animals? Well, yeah. Like, yeah, we never did it. We never, like that was like. No, you go through the smoking section in a car. In a minivan. Do you not know what a safari is?

I wasn't sure. That was never, I mean, first of all, I don't think giraffes are indigenous to New Jersey kind of way. Okay? You would think not, but. That was like, that was a thing my dad would be like, we don't do that. That's not for us. We're Europeans and idiots or something.

I don't know. That wasn't something we did. Everything was European. I don't know what he had against them. Giraffes are not in Europe either. I never said the man was smart. You would hit a petting zoo though, right? Oh, I love that.

At the state fair at the at the Pennsylvania State Fair at the racetrack. I don't know if you ever did that at the racetrack. I went to local fairs. Petting zoos are a good time. Oh my God. I famously, I think we've talked about this a couple of times. I famously gave bubblegum to a pop Ellie pig, me and my boy Pat. Did it die?

Oh, he sat there and chewed the bubblegum for five hours. Did he blow bubblegum? And it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. It was just. Oh my God. The food that never ends. We just laughed forever. It was great.

Were you high? No, I don't think so. Nice. Just a couple of kids out on the town. It's like fully with a Nicarat. Yeah, I think we ran out of quarters. Did you get the big Nicarat? He's a patch pig.

You need this. Start smoking. Damn. We're here. This is from Tank. Have you ever taken outside food into a different restaurant? Which like, that's unforgivable to me. No.

No. No. No. I've, well, the last place I waited tables at was Bear Burger at NYU. Worst little fucking pizzas of shit ever. Yeah. Fucking NYU. I could not imagine you serving at NYU kids at a Bear Burger.

Excuse me, sir. What's the ingredient list for your buns? There was a couple of guys that I almost fought. And I saw one of them. He was, he's a professor there. This was months later after I quit. I was, I was, I was leaving the city. I was in the car.

I was on 58th street and second avenue about to cross over to the bridge and out of nowhere, him and this guy just walk across the street. I swear to God, I thought about running this guy over. Wow. That bad, huh? He was such a fucking prick. Power play. It was this one professor that had like, what do they call when people study together?

Group study? Something like that. Yeah. They would all, they would all. I like how you couldn't put, what, what's it called when a group studies together? Group studies, something like that. I didn't go to a fancy school like NYU. All right.

I was waiting tables at fucking Bear Burger on LaGuardia place. Fucking nightmare. But they would all come in. 42 at the time. They would all come in and they would expect to be treated like fucking gold. None of them were paying the professor paid, which I assume the college paid probably my tax dollars at work there. Fucking beating these kids.

Nice. And they were such fucking dicks. Would they say stuff to you? They would say talk to you? They would, they would, they would just be so like, can I get it? They were just such fucking. Sir, could you not eat my burger? Yeah.

Hey, I saw we do things around here. One for me too. If you want to share. Better to get poisoned or something like that. How'd you quit? Did you have a big quit? Like, I'm sick of this place. No.

The last day that I worked there, it was, it was like right around Memorial Day of last summer and they just sort of pulling staff away left and right. It just got worse and worse and worse. And it was like me and one guy on the floor. All right. And they had the fucking outside open and these people came in and though I almost got in a fight with the one kid because he's like, he's a little French. He's like, he's like, why isn't that a table ready?

I'm like, you got to give me a minute. I mean, literally, I'm not standing there fucking watching sports center. We're running around. I'm fucking porn. And he's still fucking breaking my balls. And I finally stopped. I was like, listen, man, your table's not ready. Fucking relax or something like that.

And then his buddy. And then every the sound stopped, the music stopped. Yeah. What did you just say to our custom mail? Exactly. Then his buddy went over and pitched it to me to my general manager. But then the next time I just called and said, hey, I'm not coming anymore. Take that.

Yeah. Take that. Take that burger boys. You still need that last check though. Big man now. Still gonna need that corporate discount. But they would bring. He's a good weight as much as I give him and break his balls.

He's a really good waiter. You would be a great waiter, but they're very personable. But like just like a high, like a stick up their ass clientele and you not. I worked in a fine dining. I could handle that. It was just, they were just little fucking pricks. There were twats. And they would bring in their own food all the time.

Like, dude, you can't eat that in here. But everybody else is eating. You know, what does it matter? Food they bought here. Oh my God. Yeah. What is this? France.

People are pieces of shit. I was just European bullshit. I've gone on. I was a valet at a car dealership with me and two of my buddies. A valet? A valet at a car dealership with me and two of my buddies. And we tried to, we went on strike demanding a $2 raise an hour or something. Wow.

You went on strike. You little protester. And they were like, yeah, get out of here. And I was like, all right, see ya. You know, and that was, they were like, I was like, yeah, they're like, no, we don't, we're not doing that. And I was like, all right, well later, man. Who knew that you could have some kind of flexibility?

I was in college. It was a summer job for me. My two Indian buddies were working there as their like career. Yeah. And I was like, dude, fucking, it's like, it's Memorial Day weekend. Let's get the fuck out of here and go down the shore. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Rosa Parks over here. And then they quit and my, take a hike buddy. My buddy had to, he was afraid to tell his mom that he quit because he was still living at home. So he had to dress up in the morning and leave until she left the house. And then he would come back and hang out during the day. Wow. I wish, I wish, I wish I quit so many times.

I worked at. What did you do before you, before you, you know, got rich and famous and successful? What was your last day job in New York? Last day job in New York was at WeWork. Okay. Yeah. I scanned shit in the accounting department. And they, I got it through temping.

I tempt a lot. And they're like, what do you, you know, we want you to come on and stay on. And I was like, great. And then they're like, what do you want your title to be? I'm like, can it be scanner girl? And they're like, okay. She was a scanner girl. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm a scanner girl. I was at a restaurant when I was in college. I was just so meek and just intimidated by everything. And the, this fancy restaurant in Union or in Lincoln square, Lincoln center. Yeah. Right across the street from Lincoln centers, this Italian place. It was very, they sang it when it was your birthday. They had like an opera group come out and sing like it was rich.

Larry King went there. Larry King went there all that, like the, something with an F and they told, I was a hostess and they told me that I needed to wear more makeup. And I was just like, what? Yeah. No, no, they go, I'm sorry. They go, you need to wear makeup when you come in here. And I was like, I am wearing makeup.

But instead of going, fuck this shit. I was like, maybe I'll just put on more makeup tomorrow. Sorry. You have to look at me. Yeah. Man. Fucking. I didn't know how to use my words.

I didn't know how to use my words to stand up for myself. So it really just a lot of, just a lot of, I can't stand this for one more second. You really wait until your top's about to burst. That's always the way I am. And then you look back on that shit and you were like, you just could have removed yourself from the situation. With respect and dignity attached. Yeah.

Cause like that's, that was, that's the thing with those jobs is like, you do like fucking, this is like so ridiculous. Yeah. And you're so angry walking around. You don't get that. Like working in restaurants. It's a fucking nightmare. Yeah.

And then you become that guy, that psycho guy that's yelling at everybody that they didn't do their side work. Cause they're so frustrated. Oh yeah. Yeah. You let it out on others. I worked at a law firm that represented banks in during the mortgage crisis. So we were like, they were like taking people's houses.

Wow. And it was, I was like the devil, but like I worked in the accounting side of it. So I'm like, well, I'm not re, and I needed the money. I'm not really. I'm not really the devil. And it was always, it was like short term. I just, I needed, I had no money. It was either that or be homeless.

So. Yeah. Yeah. So I was working there. Like your clients. And yeah, there we go. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Fully. I got in a fight with my boss who like, she hated him. She just fucking hated me. And I was like, I was like, you know, whatever. Like, and I was going to lunch when this fight started. So I was like, she's walked out of the. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, whatever.

Fuck, you know, whatever. And like, it wasn't like, fuck you. I quit or anything. I was just like, whatever. And I went and got two slices of fucking pepperoni, like a fucking gentleman. Like one does. And I came back to a company wide email of 800 people saying, Kevin Ryan has quit the firm.

Wow. This was out of here. I came back and everybody looked at me. They were like, what are you doing? Were you like, that's not what I meant. Yeah. I'm like, no, I was just going on. Like I finally talking here.

Well, I can't like pretend a pretentious. When you're whenever you work as pretentious people, it's right. I've the last one of the last college jobs I have was at the Apple store and we would deal with a lot of when people's phones don't work, they get really upset. And Apple did. I see what I do this now. They train you more in customer service and product knowledge. Yeah.

So that you can problem solving. Most people suck. Yeah. Oh, 100%. And when their phones not working, they're, they're, you know, it brings out the worst in humanity. So I would do the genius bar after hours in the Soho store. And so you could only do an appointment and we would have all these people come rich

people like, but I need to get in. And you're like, I can't like you can't. Yeah. And so it like, I got to let my anger out on them because I was like, who do you think you are? Yeah. And then there's this one lady, the security guard is like, Hey, this woman shouldn't have an appointment.

And I was like, and I went, I was like, you need an appointment. And I went back upstairs and the guy was like, Hey, that's Steve Jobs' daughter. And I was like, Oh, she doesn't need an appointment. It was Lisa Jobs. And I was like, yo girl, why you got such an old MacBook? She had like the oldest MacBook. And I was like, Oh, I can't believe she had that. I would have still made her Steve Jobs would respect you for that.

Yeah. Yeah. Nobody plays ball here, Stevie. All right. Everybody waits in line. Hmm. All right. Let's do one or two more and hit the bricks.

How's that sound? I love it. I love it. It's also two that like so many of our fucking listeners are just like knuckleheads that all have the same name as my family members with these, like all the same names. Shout out to Brian Sullivan. Have you ever made a new email address for the sole purpose to use it to get another free round of trials or apps or streaming or anything?

No. Wait, say that again. Have you ever used a second or made a new email address to get another round of free trials? Yeah. I think it was just to get an Instagram account to stalk somebody. That's it. What?

Light. Light. Light. And then I was like, this is stupid. That's the only time I've ever. An excite presume? Yeah. Oh, no.

I think it was a current person. It was a while ago. And you were trying to catch them in a lie. Yeah. Then it didn't work. Did you? No. Case came up dry, huh?

Like I also, what did you expect to say? Like, do you think he was going to be posting other pictures or like? I don't know. Oh, I thought I was convinced. I don't know what happened, what that situation was. I remember like, I felt so sneaky. And I was like, this is illegal. I kind of like it.

I'm lying about my identity. Yeah. Garbage and nuts. Yeah. My kind of guy. She's got it. She's got it all, folks. I feel too guilty to do anything bad.

That's why when I was making this fake account, I'm like, oh God, I hope this is okay. Yeah. I do it all the time. I've won. I was, I think it was like to use like for like subtitles to put on videos. Yeah. You can use it and it's free your first time. But they don't, you don't have to confirm the email.

You know, like it doesn't like send you an email to confirm it. You just have to enter an email. So I was just doing like Kevin Ryan one. Kevin Ryan two. I have a couple out there for shifty, shifty things. Porn. Yeah. You're buying porn.

I'm not buying anything. Listen, I'm not buying any type of porn. Kevin doesn't know what he's talking about. He's a kid or this guy. Cut the tape. Toby. Yeah. Your mom's going to come in and take out the hinges of this door.

That's it. That's it. That's the button on the show baby. What a time. Yeah. I got callbacks. Yeah. What a hoot.

Christina Hutchison, thank you for sitting in with us. What do you want the folks out there to know that you're coming up? Yeah. I have my solo podcast voices in our heads available everywhere. My social media at Christina Hutch, but it's K-R-Y-S-T-Y-N-A. And I didn't pick it. People think I picked the spelling of my name. I'm like, what?

No. Ugh. And then I'm on tour a bunch. I'm going to be in Portland, Philadelphia, Baltimore, a lot of places. But if you go to mynameChristinaHutchinson.com, it's all there. Buddy, we love you. Thank you for coming. We love you too.

Great family episode. Great company episode. Kip, what do you got to tell them? Let them know. First of all, act, camera, and comedy on all social media. Come on. And then I'll be right back. Kip, what do you got to tell them?

Let them know. First of all, act, camera, and comedy on all social media. Come on. And then obviously, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. We're in the top 200. Subscribing and rating and reviewing helps those numbers out. You can do that. Even if you watch it, you can fucking download iTunes and subscribe.

Also, you can subscribe on YouTube, full HD video available there. And then patreon.com. Check it out. Yes, sir. Thank you, guys. Add each fully on ice on Twitter, fullygrams on Instagram. We love you. Have a great week.

Peace. Hold on a quick second there, cowboys and cowgirls. Want to take one more quick minute and talk to you about the old Stereo app. Kip and I are having a fun time there Thursday nights at 9 o'clock. Yeah, I don't know why you turned into a prospector doll this time. We're having a good old time down there. This is he. Guys, go to the Stereo.

The Stereo app is great. You can download it. Use our link. It'll be in the description of this episode at Stereo.com. Slash Kevin Ryan or Stereo.com. Slash H Foley. We get to wet our beaks a little bit. We have a free app for you guys and we answer your garbage questions live on air.

And every time we do, we've got a couple hundred people in there. It's a party, baby. It's growing. It's a good time. We have a lot of fun. I have a couple of cocktails. I let my hair down. You know what I mean?

I'm sitting there. My undie-wondies. It's a good time. A lot of great shows on there. Not just ours. It's a fantastic app. It's free. It's fun.

Get in on there. Android. iPhone doesn't matter. Sign up today. Yeah.