Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kumail Nanjiani!

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and actor Kumail Nanjiani! You know Kumail Nanjiani from Stand Up Comedy, Saturday Night Live, Portlandia, Conan, Tigerbelly, This is Not Happening, Working It Out Podcast, We Might Be Drunk, Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend, Whiskey Ginger, Blocks Podcast and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Draft Kings: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app NOW and use code AYG. True Classic: Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/garbage Liquid I.V: Tear. Pour. Live More. Go to https://LIQUID-IV.COM and get 20% off your first order with code GARBAGE at checkout. Gambling problem? Call one eight hundred Gambler. In New York, call 8778HOPENY or text HOPENY (four six seven three six nine). In Connecticut, Help is available for problem gambling. Call eight eight eight seven eight nine seven seven seven seven or visit ccpg dot org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (Kansas).Fees may apply in IL. Twenty-one plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. See sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash promos. NFL Sunday Ticket offer for new subscribers only and auto-renews until cancelled. Digital games and commercial use excluded. Restrictions apply. Additional NFL Sunday Ticket terms at https://youtube.com/go/nflsundayticket/terms. Limited time offer. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I got a question for all you bozos and homies out there. Do you think your garbage? We'll come find out the boys are about to hit the road for that back on the block tour. We're starting out there on the left coast, baby. Yeah, we got San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Brea. Then we got Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, full Philadelphia, at the Met, Rochester, Toronto. Guys, get your tickets now.

These will sell out. We love you. They'll see you on a road. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage.

Oh, yeah. So that little show, we sit down to your favorite comedians, and we find it after you're going to be classy. Yeah. Or just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash. I'm your host, A. H. Foley, coming at you. on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootty's in the new edition.

She just got back from the pet store. Okay. Got a piranha. I'm going to show me later. Pretty sick, huh? He's got a Chinese star. Mike Coz is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage.

She is an international businessman and my best pal on the whole wide world. And I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes.

Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the charts. And then obviously the great. greatest website of all time, www. www. patreon.com slash R.U. Garbage. Love that money, gang. We could be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time.

He is a very funny, very successful, stand-up comedian, actor, producer, and writer, and you might have seen him in, but not limited to. He got ugly Americans. You got life as we know it. The five-year engagement, bad Milo, Veepe, Burning Love, sex tape, Franklin and Bash, Broad City, Hot Tub Time Machine 2, the Kroll Show. Inside Amy Schumer, Community, Adventure Time, Brother Nature, of course, the Big Sick Academy Award. You got Portlandia, 53 episodes of Silicon Valley.

Chiching, how you doing? The Eternals, Obi-One Canobi, Ghostbusters, Frozen Empire, poker face, Bob's Burgers, you got the Colbert Report, you got the Tonight Show, Seth Meyer, Smartless, Jimmy Kimmel, after midnight. Good morning, America, lookout, here we go. And he's got a brand new special coming out in December. Over there on Hulu, give it up for Camille. Nangiani, everybody.

Let's go, look at him. Rolled in here solo like a fucking Jedi, too. We didn't even hear him come in. Well, what did you expect? I don't know. Some goons, some muscles. He thinks if you've been to L.A., you roll with a T. He thinks it's like anteraz.

Somebody doing the hair. I don't know. Somebody holding a protein shake or something. My life guru was busy today. A lot of that going on. Sure. Oh, man. Where do you hold your hat now?

Where do you live? You're on the coast out in Tinsultown, or you over here? I'm on the coast down. You're really trying to Joe Holleywood. Did I see you with the Grove last week? Am I crazy? No, I'm there every day. You've just Googled L.A.

He's reading the Wiccan Media. Oh, Beverly Hills. I know that zip code. My producer lives in Recita, I think. Oh, that's from? No, I'm kidding. That's from Karate Kit. Is that where you know Reseda from?

That's where I know Reseda from. Because they're moving to Reseda. And I know Toluca Lake from Pulp Fiction. Okay. Okay, there you go. He's going to sweep your leg in a couple of minutes. Is that the one where Harvey Cartel is like, where do you live? And he's like, Toluca Lake.

He's like, I see your future. It's a cab. It's after they shoot the kid in the back and he's like, if my partner, we're going to see if my partner's home in Toluca Lake. If Jimmy isn't home, we're in big trouble. Oh, I see. Okay. I live in L.A.

Yeah. That's Los Angeles. Okay, yeah. Hollywood can be. But I'm here for a couple months doing a play. Whoa. I didn't know that. Broadway?

Broadway? I'd never done a play in my fucking life. And now this is week four of doing a play. Wow. Like the play's up or your rehearsals? No, no, no. We're four weeks into the run. No kidding.

What's the name of the play? It's called O'Mary. Oh, you're doing O'Mary? Yeah, I'm doing it. Have you guys seen it? No, I know it's a huge hit. It's so funny. It's so undeniable.

What character are you playing? Mary. No. I'm playing her husband. You're playing A. Bliggins. So he does switch that I forget the gentleman's name. Yeah, Conrad Ricamora

is gone and I'm the next I'm the replacement Abe. Gotcha. It is the kid that wrote it. Cole is gone and Jinks Monsoon is playing Mary and she's fucking phenomenal. Man, that thing's going to be cleaning up for years. Yeah, it's awesome. It's one of those.

It's a big hit. Kid won a Tony for it. What do you, a producer all this sudden? What? That thing's going to be cleaning up for years? Kid one of Tony for it. He did. He wanted Tony. Do you know what the Tony's are? I know Antony.

Spent the night at Liza. Manelli? Come watch. It's a really fun time. That's awesome. I don't know if you're doing that? It's crazy. Like, I've been doing comedy since 2001, and these last three weeks, I've learned new stuff about comedy that I didn't know.

I'm learning new shit about comedy. Because I thought, you know, you're doing a long time. You're like, I kind of. know all the moves and all the things, and this is like, oh, there's new rules that have learned. Damn, kids on Broadway. Constantly challenging himself to this guy. Nuts.

Give us the backstory. Let's go back. Carachi. Take it all the way back, baby. Karachi. Karachi, 978. Karachi's like sort of, you know, it's over 20 million people, so it's like New York. So I feel much more at home in a city like New York than a city like Tinsel Town.

I love New York. And I'm really fucking loving being here right now. That's awesome. I think it's the... Dude, Broadway and the fall? I mean, we're great. Broadway and the fall. Yeah.

He would have said any season. Yeah, that's my favorite Robert Redford movie. Broadway in the fall? Yeah. Alston in the spring? It's very sad when Merrill Streep dies in it, though. Hey, spoilers, buddy. Yeah, so, and I grew up there.

I was there until I was 18. grew up really, really watching a lot of Hollywood movies and TV shows and stuff. So that's sort of where I knew American culture. Did everything get there on time? Everything got... We didn't get stuff in the theaters. The first movie I remember, a big Hollywood movie opening in theaters there,

like, officially was Jurassic Park. Okay. That's the first one I saw. And I watched Jurassic Park in Urdu. Like, it was dubbed into the... language I grew up speaking. So I watched it at the theater in Urdu. And I remember the part where he says that's a, what's he say? Mountain of Shit. Is that what he says? That's a big pile. Oh, when they see the poop for the first time? Yeah. The Urdu translation for it was so

fun. It's like crushed. It's still the biggest laugh I ever heard in a theater. That is one big pile of shit. But, but that's a line. That's one big pile of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It murdered. Yeah, and I grew up, you know. So we got stuff. We got VHSs, but they were not there. And the first movie that I remember being released officially on VHS was Star Trek Generations. What's the first of the movies with, what's the first of the movies with the next generation crew called?

That's not first contact, maybe. No, first contact, I think the second one, and first contact is fucking. phenomenal that's a great movie this one is not as good is it the one with the borg is the one with eric bana in the beginning no man that's like that's way later is it that's that's the one with uh with uh you know the new people yeah this this is with like picard and yeah that's what i mean their first movie had eric bana in it i don't know i think eric bana is in the chris pine ones he's the bad guy in the second chris pine one or the first first one. The first Chris Pine one. No. No, that's not right. It's old because he's young in

it. Maybe he's been getting Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy's in one of them when he's really young too. I can't remember which one it is. Luke, you have eyes on that? Bain is in the reboot. I believe it's Star Trek Generations. That's the first. That was the first movie that was officially released on VHS and I won it. There was like a little contest in the newspaper. Okay. And I fucking nailed it. and I got the VHS of Star Trek Generations. But what we got was a lot of like bootleg movies. And right when the movies came out, we would first get the camcorder print.

Really? So I saw a lot of our favorite movies. I still, I don't know if I've ever seen the sixth sense outside of a camcorder print. That's awesome. I might have only seen it. And it's always like. Probably extra scary.

Yeah. Oh my, I remember the feeling of watching that movie because you really have to like, lean in because the, you know, the screen doesn't look great. The sound is all echo, so I'm like watching like this. And you also, the other big factor is what seat did the guy get, you know? Sometimes the guy got there late. It's like I saw lethal weapon four.

The guy was too close to the screen. You're not good. But six cents, he had a nice spot, you know. He framed it up really nice. You see the people in front. I remember at one point the guy gets up and like fixes his head. You see that? Where were you getting them?

Like, were you buying them? No, you get them at VHS. Like a rental shop. So there was this area in Karachi that was just like 40 different rental shops, you know? But you always had to go to the one you knew because it was illegal. So you had to go like be like... The bootlegs were illegal. The bootlegs were illegal.

And they would have the names of other movies on them. They would have the names of Bollywood movies or Pakistani movies on them. And he had like a little list and he would say, okay, Shahensha, that number with that. that's Jurassic Park or whatever. So you would get movies like that. And I would watch, I watched a movie every day. That's crazy. Once a week, I'd get seven VHSs, and every single day, from the age of probably five to 18,

I watched a movie every single day. And another way I know a lot of movies, this is why I love horror movies. I had an uncle who was coming from another country in the Middle East, and he had, like, made a deal with a guy. to smuggle over 200 VHSs. That's a good uncle right there. He hit them in diapers. And so he came and he set him all up.

And he's like, when the guy comes, you've got to give him all these movies. The guy never came. So suddenly one day I had 200 new movies at the house. And a bunch of diapers. A bunch of diapers. Yeah, I didn't need to take any breaks. I just watched movies back to back to back.

So that was, and he had a lot of horror movies. So I watched a lot of like 80s horror movies that way. A lot of action movies. So like the old gone in 60 seconds, that kind of vibe. Sure. Westerns, which my dad loved. So, yeah, that's how. And these were all bootlegs or no?

These were all bootlegs. Everything was, all we got was bootlegs until, what year does generations come out? I'm going to guess like 95, 96, somewhere around there? 1994. 94. Okay, so up until then, everything was bootlegs. And then even after that, mostly everything was bootlegs because I believe Paramount was the first company. So it was only Paramount movies at first.

Maverick was one of the first movies to come out officially. You know the Mel Gibson movie? Of course, yeah. Yeah, and James Garner. Yeah. Very underrated. That's a great movie. It's a great movie.

Jody Foster and Michelle Pfeiffer was in that, too. It's a great movie. Speaking of Michelle Pfeiffer, I went last night and saw Batman Returns in the theater. Yeah. They re-released it. Wow. I did my play. I went with me, my wife, and Michael Yuri, he's in the show with me.

It was super fucking good. And we saw Batman Returns. First time seeing that in a theater. One of my favorite superhero movies, never seen it in a theater because we didn't get it there. That's awesome. That was the first. The first tape I ever bought was with Batman, that original Batman came out on VHS. It was $99.

Remember I scraped $99? They would do that. $99. I don't remember that at all. They would do that in the beginning because they wanted you to rent it. And then after a few months, so it would like, it would be six months later. It would come out on VHS. It would be like $200, $100 because they just wanted you to rent it first.

And then a couple of few months after that, it would go down to $20. I bought it when the second it dropped. My mom was like, you're crazy. It's $100. I sat there and stared at it. I loved it. The first one? Ah, with Keaton?

For some reason, that Batman logo is the best Batman logo that's ever happened. Even though they all look similar. For some reason, that one. That one's so good. Jack Nicholson, Best Joker. Heath Ledger, God rest of his soul, unbelievable. Only behind, what's his name? God that was in the original series.

Jared Leto. No. Caesar Romero. Caesar Romero. Caesar. Imagine if Christopher Nolan got his hands on Caesar Romero. Dude, that guy would have been frightening. Man, you are in the biz.

I think Heath Ledger was pretty damn frightening. Of course. We've had some good jokers, huh? Great jokes. I think Mark Hamill is a great joke. I forget about it. Yeah, petrifying. Let's go back.

What'd your mom and dad do, brothers and sisters? Give us the scoop. Dad's a doctor. Your dad was a doctor. He was a doctor. Mom was a homemaker, but dad worked at a clinic, like one of those clinics in like one of the not nice parts of town. Gotcha. And it would be, so he served that local community and people would come in.

And I think it was five rupees, which would be like, you know, I think here it would be like less than five rupees. Five rupees really was like pennies here. But to us, I would say it would be the equivalent of like under $10. Okay. And anybody could just come in, stand in line. He would see everybody, charge everybody the same. And, you know, so it was everything from I have a cold to, like, this kid got hit by a car, you know, and he would sort of take care of all of that. So we had, you know, we were lucky in that we had a house, we had a car, but we weren't, like, rich, really.

Like, I remember as a kid, one of the features always being worrying about having enough money. And they took good care of us. And honestly, they gave us a pretty good relationship to money. I think I feel like, I feel like some people are too stingy with it. some people spend it too much. I feel like we had the right amount of right importance to money. You know what I mean? Like, I remember times when things were tougher and I remember,

I don't really remember times when we weren't really worried about it. So that was sort of where we were at. And, you know, getting stuff was always like a thing. So renting movies was easy. But like if I had to buy, like, I remember I wanted to buy a Super Nintendo. And once a week. my mom and her sister-in-law they would go to like play like bingo at a place okay and you'd win like cash prizes and i started going because i was like i gotta win bingo that's pretty good because my

my parents said if you can get half the money we'll give you the other half and i remember very specifically i was so fucking close once i was like right there i was like i'm going to get a super nintendo just called a super famicom there and i didn't get it wait what was it called the famicom the The Famicom. So the NES, the Nintendo, in Japan was called Famicom, family computer. Famicom. It looks different. And then the Super Nintendo was called the Super Famicom.

And it's like, yeah, family computer and it looks different. But it's the same machine. It just looks different. The colors are different colors. That's pretty sweet. But then I remember my uncle was visiting from the U.S. He lived in Queens at the time. Not the guy with the diapers and the bootleg.

Different guy. And your uncles are connected. Different uncle. He bought me a Super Nintendo And he flew here with it That's awesome That's pretty sick Yeah

Yeah that was Pretty amazing Are you an only child Just you I've got a brother Four years younger than me Okay And yeah

And that's it Just the two of us And we I feel like I was I just feel like I was a bully To him It wasn't nice To my old brother

And I remember I still feel bad about this I kind of you know Apologized to him I was like You know Four years is like A little

You're not the same match It's a stretch too long Yes Two's perfect Yeah 10 and 6 is a huge difference 12 and 8 is a huge difference Like up at 18 14 is a big difference

And I left at 18 You know And I remember I was mean to him a lot We'd get into fights I remember the first fight Where he wouldn't stay down And I was like All right this might be our last fight

I remember I banged his head against the wall And he just got back up And I was like All right This is the end of this Phase of our relationship You can watch a lethal weapon never yet yeah and my mom once was like why are you so mean to him he idolizes you so much look

and i was like all right everything i loved he left our handwritings were the same and i was like oh shit and that's when it broke my heart sure it was like he really thinks i'm like i think there was a time where he thought i was the coolest person in the world and i was i just treated him poorly but we played a lot of video games together watch a lot of movies you know i was really my wife and I used to have a podcast called The Indoor Kids That was about video games And that's what I was I was an indoor kid

I over the summer people would come back You know darker skin Because they'd been out in the sun playing I'd come back with a lighter skin Yeah yeah yeah Because uh... I watched movies and played video games Constantly Yeah but talking about draft kings baby

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Any sports growing up? I played cricket. General. Which I still watch, obsessively. Really? Yeah. I was like, you know, The level of good I was was later in high school.

I transferred to a different high school in my last two years. It was a fucking nightmare. But I was at the level where if I worked, it was a fucking nightmare. Wait, why'd you transfer? A worse school? Why'd you transfer? You guys move? It was a better school.

The kids were just meaner to me. Gotcha. Kids didn't like me. Were rich kids? They were rich kids. No kidding. So I'll explain that. But basically, I was good enough at Cricket that if I tried really fucking hard,

I could make the team, but then couldn't really hold on to it, which I think is the worst spot to be in. You either want to be someone who's, like, good and is on the team and made it, or you're never going to make the team. I was right in the middle, so it was always stressful, and it was so important to me, and I would always fucking choke. I remember I dropped a catch that I got really, and I remember when I dropped that catch,

kids in, like, younger grades were making fun of me, and I was like, you can't do that. That's devastating When that hierarchy changes And you're like, whoa, whoa And that kid had the confidence Of being the younger brother Of one of the cool kids

Who was my contemporary, but still Your brother's out there laughing at you Yeah, it fucking sucked Talk about payback What happens over there is So the school I went to Had the British system We were a British colony

Okay So up until grade 11 Wait you guys have up until We have 12 You have 12 Up until grade 11 You do at the At the end of the 11th grade, you take the standardized tests, that everyone in the world

who's under the system takes the exact same test. Then after that, you get two more years, which is sort of like a pre-college. So we have 13 years of schooling. And those two years, so I got really good grades in grade 11, and then I was like, I want to go to, because my plan was to come to America. This was the fancy rich kid school, and I was like, okay, if I go there, they had, like, counselors that would, like, help you apply for America. Facilitate it.

Yeah. So that's why I went there. And my last two years, so suddenly all my friends were gone, a totally new group. And I made the mistake of having a crush on a girl that, like, one of the cool kids liked. And it just was, it just never worked. It's like karate kid. Dude, I watched that. Show them with my cricket skills.

I never seen it real quick. That's the thing. I would want to show them with my cricket skills. And I didn't quite have it. She was dated. They were together when you got a crush. well I had a crush on they sort of dated

broke up and then her and I hung out for a very little bit no kidding and you know where she's at now I yeah of course you do let's get the typewriter out get something down on paper I know exactly we got a rom-com going on

okay miss the catch that's what we'll call it you are in the business this kid's good Wow. I want George Clooney to play me. Wait, why are you in it? You're in it as the guy who named the movie?

It's very meta. A couple of seconds? Very meta. A couple of points in the back end, walkway. You get the line. You get the line. And drop the catch. As soon as I drop it, you're in the stands watching.

You got a big cigar. Yeah, you play the kid in the younger grade. Were there any vacations growing up? Would you guys go away? Yes. Did you ever come to America? Did you come to Queens or anything like that? I did when I was like 14.

I came one. Nice. Yeah. And I, uh... With the fam, I assume. With the fam. Right. But we, we did vacations.

We did. So, Singapore, um, is a, it's a nation state. Have you, you guys haven't been. It's a city state and it's like very, never mind. It's very technologically advanced. Yeah. And I have what Singapore is. Yeah.

I fly Singapore air from time to time. Yeah. Well, what's the capital? Yeah. It doesn't have one. It doesn't have one. The whole thing is one. The whole thing is one.

The whole thing is one. I don't. It's a question, hot shot. repeat stuff like that's where we get the chips from the microchips so I had an aunt who lived there and every summer my parents because it was close right would send us off to be like you know have your aunt deal with you you and your brother me and my brother all right sometimes I go on my own and they had you know they had McDonald's there uh-huh they had like chain restaurants there which we didn't have.

We didn't get McDonald's until very late in the 90s. And so I would go to the Toys R Us and just like walk around the Toys R Us for hours and hours. And my wife and I went back to Singapore like three years ago that I went to that Toys R Us. No kidding. Yeah, ceilings are a lot lower than I remember. A Toys R Us, man. I mean, it was the best. There was nothing better.

You know, I remember once being at a Toys R Us and I would buy, you know, I was big into, the toys I was big into growing up where started. with Star Wars, He-Men, Ninja Turtles, and the animated Ghostbusters, those were big. I'm with you? The animated Ghostbusters were huge. I watched that show again in the pandemic. It holds up, I think. You know, it's funny, when you said that Mark Hemel was the best Joker, that made me think he was the scariest, but that you know what I thought of right after that?

The, what's it, the boogeyman in the real ghost? Remember how frightening that dude was? The bogeyman's awesome. Dude, he was frightening. I can't believe. Ghostbusters cartoon? there was an arc where they had the boogeyman and he was like he was like a demon he was like

he had hoofs on his feet and he was frightening and he could get in your room by this like interdimensional gateway through your closet door dude it was as a little kid it was like a real fun watch I mean it was scary as shit I feel like you guys are talking to me like I'm from Pakistan like Ghostbusters this is what it is well but you don't miss the animated series

I mean I was too young probably you don't fucking know boogeyman no no no he was scary he was really good that's it I'm done that cartoon was great legitimately scary great stories but I remember once I was at the toys that was just walking around and I found this toy it was like a little monster puppet thing and I was like I should buy it like you move its eyes around it looked so real and I didn't have the money to buy it and then for years I didn't even know what it was until a few years ago I started to describe it to someone and they were like oh I think that's a boglin and I looked it up

there were these toys called boglins that were like very cool, monstery puppet things. They sort of look like do you remember? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those were fucking awesome. Those are great. It's around the same time as those like was it called mad balls? What were those?

Monster balls. Is that what they were called? The eye ball and the squid, they were squishy. They were like, yeah, they have like monsters on them. They were like. I think it was either monster balls or mad balls. I think mad balls. Something like that. Man, ball. Yeah.

It was around that, yeah, that was the best one. I remember, though, it was around that era where, like, you know, were, like gross things like garbage pill kids were cool. There was like a time, yeah, where like gross kid stuff was cool. Yeah, slime was great. So good. Yeah, so my brother and I played cricket, played cricket with my dad, played a lot of video games. I played some video games with my dad, who,

was always, obviously, better than us. Actually, once, I don't know, this is a good story, but there was a game called Street Surfer. All right. That my dad loved to play, and he was very good at it. What a doctor. And I remember one time I woke up, and he was like better at it. And he had made all these posters in my room that said,

while I was sleeping, he put them up. Because, you know, he was so good that I was like, I don't like this game. This game sucks. I don't want to play it anymore. Yeah. And he made these poster that said, street surfer the king of games the game of kings that's awesome made me so angry i remember

screaming and crying and ripping them all up um yeah he'd get it from all angles over there yeah oh my dad totally i mean he would do this thing the reason i was so scared as a kid i was terrified of the dark one i used to watch horror movies all the time but he'd also tell me stories you'd be like you know at night under your bed like jins which are like genies but they're scary They have like a tea party under your bed every night And it's fine Dad told you this? Yeah

And he was like don't Just don't look under then You'll be fine But just so you know And I'm like under everybody's bed They're like no just your bed How old are you? Probably from the age of eight

Dude that's crazy He would also do this thing Where he like got in this boom box And he would record He had like a little microphone for it He'd record like Ooh We'll come to get you Camel

Just for me I'd hide it And you'd be like Just specifically you. Not my brother. Because my brother wouldn't get scared. So he wasn't a mark. I was a mark.

And he would hit play. And then these sounds would come and he'd be like, who could that be? The whole family's here. Oh, my God. He's like, oh, my God. Did you hear that? He just said your name. That's messed up.

Yeah. That's my kind of doctor. I like it. You know what he is now? He's a psychiatrist. No kidding. Really? Yeah.

Are they over there or they here? They're here now. No kid. They live in Jersey. Yeah. So when did they move over? They moved. So I moved at 18, and they moved like eight years later.

No kidding. And you moved for college? I moved for college, yeah. Did you, you wanted to stay? Did you know you wanted to be a comedian? Did you know you wanted to? No, I didn't realize. I was very shy, very quiet as a kid.

Like, people who know me as a kid are surprised I do this. I was very, very quiet. And, you know, like I said, my last year was high school, terrible experience. But I wasn't until. I don't bring that back up. who ma'am she didn't like you she did for a week it was a short time it was a good week

alright I'll give you that we held hands a couple times there you go let me have this kissed her on the cheek there you go what will we I don't know you moved over here at 18 did you always want to be a comic oh see he keeps trying you've got the computer

but he's got the... I mean, I was typing up... I was looking up street server. This isn't really like... It's not like I have Excel spreadsheets here. King of games. Game of Kings. No, it wasn't until college that, you know, people were like, hey, you're funny.

I was like, oh, I guess I'm funny. I remember starting to make people laugh. And I didn't really watch stand-up until I was probably like 19 or 20, maybe 19. And I got really obsessed with it. Like, I watched... I went on vacations, spring break, summer break, I'd go out,

at my uncles in Orlando. Okay. The uncle from Queens had moved to Orlando. Nice. Outside Orlando. Natural progression. Yeah. And so we, I'd watch, I just got obsessed with stand-up and watched, you know,

all those HBO one-night stands or young comedian specials and people, whatever was on. Because HBO comedy was amazing. They just had stand-up back-to-back-to-back-to-back. It was crazy. What year was this? This would have been, 19-20? If you were 19 or 20, what year? It would have been like 99, 2009, 2008, somewhere around.

But I was watching stuff from the 80s too because they were there old stuff So that's what I watched Like, you know, all the best people Like I remember the Dana Gould special I really, really loved And so that's when I started to get really A Jerry Seinfelds

I'm telling you for the last time Which was his like last bits I think that was like 99 or somewhere around there Love the intro to that Yeah, that's a funeral And then like, it's like Jay Leno Someone's stealing the material

Yeah, Jay Leno's got on You're leaning over to say goodbye and they're like airplane bits or whatever? I think it's Jay Leno where he's like, you know, we're going to do this again? And Jerry Seinfeld's like, no. And he's like, all right, well, I'll do it. He's like, you can't do that.

He's like, actually, you know what I've been doing it for a few years anyway? Great opening. When I did my special this year, I was like, I want to film an opening because they used to have them. They're cool. They're fun. I didn't do it. Just walked right up.

Too much money. It's like hundreds of thousands of dollars to film like a little thing. I don't like it. Smart. So, yeah, that's when I got really, really obsessed with it. And it was my senior year of college where I was like, all right, I just got to try this. Like, I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was so quiet and shy, but it was just like, I didn't have a choice.

I had to try it. So my senior year of college, there was a little coffee shop on campus, me put together a little, like, open mic night kind of. What's the college is Brinnell? How do you say? Brinnell College? Grinnell. Yeah. And where's it at?

It's in Iowa. Iowa. So there's nothing really around you. Nothing around me. Right. Why that college? Well, I honestly didn't realize that America had like different terrains. You only show us LA and New York in the movies.

It's all that matters, baby. So I thought all of America was New York, and I got to Iowa, and I was like, what the fuck? I hadn't seen Field of Dreams, so I didn't have a good, I didn't know what to expect. I just wanted to go to the one movie you haven't seen. I have seen it now. Sure. It's like, you know, I'm actually really glad I went to Iowa because I think New York would have been too overwhelming.

And in Iowa, they were like, you're from Pakistan. What the fuck? They had questions, you know, they were interested. I just applied to a bunch of liberal arts schools because I didn't know what I wanted to study. And I wanted to try like a non-city because I'd grown up in such a city. I was like, I want to see what it's like. Yeah.

I got there and I was like. So it's like traditional college campus, all that kind of stuff? And it's a bubble. You're just there. Nice. Smaller school, I would assume? Yeah, 1,400 kids, very small. That's awesome.

Very small. I went to a small school, too. I loved it. Where'd you go? I went to Widener University. How many? I couldn't tell you how many there are, but it's small. It's a small division three school.

Okay, we would do three. Our thing with basketball was we had a thing called the system where they just shot threes. All they did was shoot threes. That was the whole system. And the scores would be like 162 to 120 because we didn't play defense. We would give up layups to get shoot threes. And it was, it was like, they would do, like, hockey type stuff. So all five guys would, like, come out and go,

and they didn't play positions. They were all just shooters. And there was a time, if you look up Grinnell College basketball, where it was, like, in the news a little bit. And, like, I think ESPN2 once showed a game. And we really choked and we did not do well. Because if you're not making shots, if you're not making three. That's a bad system.

It doesn't work. So, like, you know how Steph goes, do you guys, do you guys, do you do basketball? Well, Steph Curry kind of changed the game, right? Like he made it, so now everybody's shooting three from half court. Yeah. This was before that. So this was like before, but we didn't have a Steph Curry on our team. So we weren't winning a lot of games.

But it was like a thing. It was like there was like, you know, articles written about it for like a year. We had Lionel Mahoney and he stunk, but he was making an effort. He shot underhand. Yeah. We had a guy who shot underhand. Are you kidding me? Dude, I.

And, of course. That guy's left over from like the 20s. Man. Okay, what was, so it was like, I mean, that culture shock of Iowa dorm life campus, what was like, what was the first thing where you were like, this is what I've seen in movies, this is like what was the dorm situation? Who was the roommate, first roommate? What was the posters on the wall? I still am friends with those three guys. Very different. So it was me and two guys who were nerdy and then one was like a hippie kid from New York. Okay. So he was big into like Dylan and great. for that kind of stuff. And the other two guys, Fred, who's one of the roommates I'm still friends with,

a very big nerd. So he introduced me to Mystery Science Theater, which I'd never seen before. And we used to watch, like, X-Files together. That was like art. That was my favorite show of all time is the X-Files. When X-Files came out in America, in Karachi, in Pakistan, they had trailers for it.

And in the trailers, it said, based on true stories. And so I'd watch it and be like, What the fuck is going on in America? You guys need to... Put the genie's under your bed. Get your shit together, yeah. Gang, the show is sponsored by Liquid Ivy,

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Do it now. Back to the show. Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece french toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee, and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's Taxes Extra. You were in an episode of that. Am I mistaken? I was, yeah, I was in the revival.

Honestly, I was in a pretty good episode. There you go. I don't love my performance in it. I think I psyched myself out. I was too nervous. I overprepared. Docoveny and Julie Natterson. I mean, I remember my first scene.

I'd met them and they were nice. You know, I met them in the trailer. I was doing my first scene. I was with the two of them. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm talking to Mulder and Scully right now. Yeah, it's weird, right? And that really fucked me up. It's a really good episode.

Reese Darby's in it, and he's great in it. My favorite writer of the show wrote and directed it. But, you know, I wish I had, I wish I could do it again. Gotcha. Yeah, I respect that. I respect that. Any pets growing up? Do you guys have any dogs or anything like that?

Birds, fish? No, we had, we had neighborhood cats that I really, my first pet is my, still my pet. She's just turned 17. She's a cat. Okay. Bagel. She is from New York. We had neighborhood cats that I would fall in love with and they would have kittens

and the kittens would always end up dying. And I remember once as a little kid, life in the big city. It was tough, man. Sure. They would say that the dads would eat the cats. That's what they told us. I remember one. Who's telling it is your dad?

I can't believe what word he's saying. They're all under your bag, Kumail. We had these kittens and I would play with them and I loved them and then one day I woke up and they were like gone. They're all dead. What do you mean? They were dead there? Yeah, they found like, you want to know that?

They were found like heads and paws. Jesus. And I remember and that devastated me and still like that kind of sad where you're like, it's too big. It's like as big as the universe. I don't know what to do it. I didn't know one little kid could have this much sadness inside him and my dad bought me the karate kid action figure said to make me feel better

and it was mr miagi and daniel laruso and they had these little like uh planks that you could like break like you know they had the thing where you like the karate chop yeah karate chop action yeah and i was like all right i guess this does this will do it it helps listen if that's what it took to get these toys i guess it was worth it what uh what was the first movie you saw in america in theaters in America uh-huh that's such a good question I know one of the first ones I remember watching was the first thing I would have done if I was

I did watch a lot of movies in America I remember seeing okay the first movie I saw in the theaters in America was Batman Masked the Fantasim okay do you know that one it's the anime yeah animated movie you're so yeah this was you know I was ready to hit me with the phantasm Oh, you like Phantasm?

No, I didn't. That was where I lost. I knew Batman. Yeah. So this was the animated series and they made a movie and it's phenomenal and I convinced

when we were visiting when I was 14 I convinced my dad could take me. I'm 14, that's all right. Yeah, so I watched it there. And then one of the first movies I remember after that,

watching after I moved here was there something about Mary. It was one of the first movies I saw in this year. I remember vividly remember watching that one. Hardest I've ever laughed in the movie here. So funny. I remember just like not being,

it like physically hurt. to watch. Matt Dillon, home run. Oh, my God. Is that the best Matt Dillon? Might be. I mean, he's great. Comedic Matt Dillon, for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. He was kind of, you know, in the shadows a little bit, then popped up in that and just killed it. I think he's in singles, right? This movie, singles. He's great in singles. Great in singles. Great in Rumblefish.

He's great in, uh, they're not Rumblefish. He's great in the outsiders. I've never seen the outsiders. I've kept meaning to see it. Very sad. Yeah, I know. I know. That's why I'm particularly.

it off but um yeah i would say i would say one was something about mary 97 i think that was sounds about right yeah one of the first ones i i remember 98 98 98 97 98 okay okay yeah uh that was that was one of the first what an experience but we had a little movie theater in town that we could walk to and we had one on campus so i watched a bunch of stuff in that theater um i remember i watched a movie called the cell do you know this movie with uh Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Lopez Yeah It was kind of

And Vincent Donofrio I think was in it too right It was real creepy Denofrio Yeah Really creepy terrifying movie And I remember being like This might be

It really blew me away I fucking love this movie And I had Recommended to so many people And they're like What is wrong with you? It's like a really It's a nasty movie

Yeah it's out there Yeah It's out there What about the first concert That you saw over here? I would guess It was Bruce Springsteen Wow.

Maybe something on campus, you know, I go and check out, whatever folks are they scraped off. College band or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably that kind of thing. What was the move after college? Did you start working in like a regular, what was your degree in? I had a double major computer science and philosophy, one for them, one for me, you know. Gotcha. And did you start working in either one of those fields when you got out of college?

Computer science, I started. I moved to Chicago because by then when I was graduating, I was like, I'm not good at computers, but I need it to keep my visa. Yeah, that's what the stereotype breaks down. I could have a computer. I wasn't. I had a degree in it. I had a degree. I felt like I missed one day and never caught up. Really?

Oh, I've had that feeling my whole life. Yeah. That's what happened with computer science. I was like, how does this make sense to people who are obviously stupider than me? I love the confidence. I was like, I'm fairly smart. I know smarter than this idiot. And he gets it. I don't get it.

So I moved to Chicago because I was like, I want to pursue stand-up. I love it too much. And my first two sets, you know, my first time I did stand-up, I did 30 minutes because it's like with your friends. You don't know. You don't know how I go. It is one of those things you don't know what to fear. You don't know how it is. So you're like, oh, yeah, I killed. I did an hour and a half because you don't know that it's hard. I did so long. And I remember coming off stage being like, I could do Letterman next week. Dude, I did. I said, if I'm not famous in a year, I'm giving up. After my first time. Are you kidding me? It went so well. Where did you go? Helium in Philly.

Helium in Philly I'm crushed I mean probably I'm not famous We both started together We've known each other I've told you that But you know how you're doing

Also in comparison to like The other people I'm like that was my first time This guy's been doing it for three years Give me six weeks I moved to Chicago Where's Foley in Hollywood Get me LinkedIn

I was like really lucky Because I did not have my first bomb Until I was like three months in Oh my mom That's good Zanies in Chicago There you go Shout out to Zanies

Great Club Shut out old town Old Town Old Town Rosemont probably didn't exist at the time Oh yeah No Rosemite

I don't know I'd never went there But We used to do these Like little like You know Bar shows and stuff And weird shows

And do well And I was doing Open mics there And I was really doing well Like I started Like I hit the ground running And my class there was insane

Yeah it was nice Kyle Canane Matt Bronger Hannibal Burris, T.J. Miller, Pete Holmes. These are the people that I was going up with, like, in front of no crowds. And I was pretty lucky in that I was doing pretty well. And then I had my first bomb. And that's when I was like, oh, my God, this is what it feels like.

It's a really horrible feeling. Yeah. Yeah, it stinks. When was your first bomb? How far it? I think of my last one was like two weeks ago. Yeah, I didn't do great last week. Brutal.

It was two couples. It was an old couple. And this younger couple. That's not on you, though. But there were four people in the- You're not good, but that's not-o- People and 10 comics in the back of the room. Wait, where was this?

Bedford Falls on the Upper East Side. Wait, you... I was doing a bar show. Why are you doing shows with four people in the audience? I was working on material. You got a big show. Yeah, we got a tour and all that stuff. We're doing city spots.

I got to get stuff ready for the tour. So you don't try stuff on. I like how he's like, you're famous. What are you doing a show for four people? Yeah. Why are you doing that? What do you mean? You got to stay in the trenches.

You got to be with the people. You got to take it to the face. I was working on marriage material. Bombing. Well, was it possible to not bomb in that room? No. I don't know. Did anybody else not bomb?

Everybody bombed. Everyone killed. I was there. You guys are getting deals and all that stuff. I'm up there tank. I got a holding deal. It baffled. Yeah.

We still keep our feet on the street. Yeah, me too, man. He's doing Omer. Yeah, me, you're on Broadway. Yeah, okay. You're doing city spots, too. I'm not going to fucking open mics, though, man. It's not an open mic.

I would say, there'd be more people at an open mic. I've been doing stand-up 24 years. I feel like I've earned the fucking right to not go to open mics. Of course, not an open mic, yeah. It's the end of the summer. People are away. It was a light night It was a book show

They booked 10 people and four Four audience members The sad thing is he was supposed to move the tickets No it was it was a different show That was a gutter ball And I moved about 25 tickets We had a good night Gutter ball

Gutter Something someplace in Brooklyn The gutter The gutter They're gonna be at the Met in Philly in December Come out and see us I get that marriage material It worked for four people

It'll work for 3,000 Well, I didn't work for four people It did not Well, I would say you could try new stuff out at like, you know You guys go up where you go up in the city Cellar and Comedy Club Couldn't you try new stuff at the cellar? Yeah, not like, not like

Yeah You can't like open, Mike it No, but you get 15 minutes You can do bits then. Five new minutes you do like four minutes Then you sneak in the new stuff Then you end with old stuff That would work

What's new stuff? I'm a real hard time He's telling us how to work and do stuff He's like, you do the tried and true stuff Then you sneak this Stop being a podcast about him He's like, wait You two are doing this

What's going on with this? You guys are comedians? No, we still, we keep You know, some smaller rooms To like really Like read off the phone kind of work on Throw shit at the wall Yeah, yeah, yeah

Okay It's a great show up there, Beckford Falls We're working. obedience okay it's a good show it's the summer people are away they get the Hamptons and all that shit people are down in the shore

they're not going to Bedford Falls they're not up on the Upper East Side great bar sure all right fuel let's get back let's get back to you yeah really came in and fricking and he changed this on

not our poor comedy which is very hard to do by the way my first bomb was the second or third I didn't know it was hard again second or third time And I won't, so the first time went well,

second time I went to a show that he was running. And you guys were friends? We weren't friends. I didn't know. And I did pretty well the first time I went. And then he, the second time, they needed someone, one of the better comics hadn't showed up. And they were like, he's like, this kid.

Hey, yeah. This kid's not famous in a year. He's got the stuff. I'm quitting. I don't know. That's what I said. Everybody's quitting. If this kid's not at Bedford Falls in 14 years,

I don't know what to tell you. But he goes, I need a good one out of you. And I had didn't know how it works So I wrote like six new minutes You wrote six new minutes I didn't know I didn't not know You dumb fuck

Again I thought I was Jerry psyched Oh my God So I went up there with six And he's like you know I had to close out the show And he's like whatever Whatever And he's like come on

Go up there You got this kid And I went up I ran it like a Division 3 football I remember Just shoot threes Third yet I was under

Dude I was underhanding Three's and missing. I remember the look when he walked out out of the room and he's just like well that was about

I was like oh man I didn't go back for like maybe a year I banned them I never work in this open mic he got blacklisted

one year that was good stuff all right first car what was your first car Kia Spectra it's not a bad first car

wait a Kia Spectra that was here that was here yeah how long ago was it I didn't have a car I mean until I moved to, you know, my first car was only like 15 years ago.

So I didn't, when I moved to L.A. When I moved to L.A., you got to get a car. Because I hate driving. I still hate driving. Was it Chicago to L.A.? Chicago to New York. Chicago to New York. I came here for a couple of years.

What are we doing? Are we, have things sort of popping off yet? Yeah, but I was more in the alt scene. So there was a show called, you guys know Eugene Merman? Yeah, of course. Him and Bobby Testill used to run a show called Invite Them Up. that in the, when I moved here, would have been, you know, 2007.

I was here 2007 to 2010. That show was at a bar called Rafii that's gone now. Famous. It would fit like 60 people. And that was like the center of the old scene. Doing that show was like a TV credit, you know. So in 2006, right before I moved, I'd open for Zach Alafanakis in Chicago

that he just did a pop-up little show. Okay. And he took me on tour then. So then I opened for Z. a bunch of shows. This is before the Hangover. So his crowd was a lot of like comedians of comedy, like comedy nerds.

Great, Dougher, great. Great. Got love with it. We took so much so we shot our own version of it. Yeah, comedians of comedy is phenomenal. So I'm at the cabin. You remember the show the cabin? I love cabin.

Of course. My best set to this day was that cabin. No kidding. Yeah. I remember us getting the confidence because we were more club. So we showed up in 2013 when all that stuff was going on. And we were so far away. So was it like Sean Patton was funny?

I love Sean. Yeah. Sean was the king of cabin. Yeah. King of cabin. Right. I forget that you, Patton ran that. Well, when I, when I moved to New York, my open mic crew was Mark Norman, Sean Patton.

Comedy. Sean Patton. That whole, like, New Orleans crew was the crew that I ran with that I did all my open mics. Okay. Mike Drucker. Do you know Mike Drucker? Yeah, a really funny guy who's like, it's still a very funny stand-up, but like, writes for a lot of stuff. So you did the creek and all that kind of stuff?

I did the creek. My first day in New York, I moved, me and my wife, we were secretly married. Nobody knew yet. Really? Too long a story. It's not a long story. Anyway, we moved. And, you know, you guys know Mike Burns?

No. Okay. He was a Chicago guy who then was in New York for a second. They moved to L.A. Anyway, moved with our big truck, moved everything into our apartment. And I was like, hey, honey, thanks for moving to New York. with me can I go to a spot and I went to that night the day I moved I went to Creek in the Cave and John F. O'Donnell used to run a show called Kingdom of Heaven we'd

pick all your names in a buck and they'd pull some out and it was like an open mic but it was a show like there was an audience and they'd you know they'd pull names out of a hat but I think it was always rigged it was a little rigged yeah and I think you know these guys recommended me so I went up and yeah I did Creek in the Cave a lot but I did Creek in the Cave my first day in New York that's awesome Shout out to Rebecca. Shout out to Rebecca. Yeah, they're in Austin now, right?

It's a great club in Austin. I haven't seen. How big is it now? Two something? We just had a pop up there when we were there. It was like $2.50 maybe? Oh, big. Yeah, it's like a big.

It's a great. Yeah, no, it's a great. Great hand. Great room. Great outdoor space. So I was doing Creek in the Cave. I wasn't doing any club. I would do Gotham every now and then,

but he's doing a lot of open mics with Norman and Patton and that whole crew, a lot of open mics. And then I remember there was an open mic at Parkside Lounge on Saturday. Holy shit. that was still going on when we got at like 4.30, like an early show. I had an early mic. I remember seeing Norman there and be like, this guy's famous. I love an early mic.

Oh, because then you have your Saturday night. You're like, I did the thing. I did the spot. Check the box, yeah. Did the shorter lady would short hair run it back then? No. Because that's who took it over. She's an ex-cop.

I can't remember her name. No. I saw her not that long ago. Oh, I saw her not that long ago. She was hosting a show. Yeah. Yeah. I just walked by a bar.

I forgot what it's called. I was like, oh, my God. I used to do an old. open mic here and it was run by a comedian named Poppy Kramer who since passed away. She died young like in her 40s, but she used to run this show. It was like upstairs at this bar. Lori's side. It's called Delancey?

No, it's not called that. I forget, but I'm walking by it. I was like, oh my God, this place. So I did invite them early on. It was a hard show to get into it because Emily and I just went to watch and Zach Alfenakis was there and he recommended me. So a month after I moved here, I did that show. and that went great for me

and you know that's where you're seeing like you know I saw like the first night there I saw like Gaffa can go up and Aziz and all these like people I'd known from like TV I was like holy shit they're doing this show that's the coolest fucking show Eugene Murman you know big fan of his and then once that happened

then I was sort of in so I started doing all the cool shows the cool all shows so like Union Hall Whiplash all that kind of stuff Whiplash yeah Jeremy Leavenbach great guy um whiplash i did i you know it was crash test before that uh which was a show that uh paul's here and rob hubel used to run then i used to do pete holmes used to run this late night open mic that's so crazy you guys run a show at ucb i forget what it was called but it started at midnight and we would go sign up and do that so i was doing that was like my circuit i was doing

like ucb the old shows i didn't really start doing the seller until i moved away now when i visit. I don't have time now because I'm doing eight performances a week on this show. It's on Broadway. But otherwise, whenever I'm here working or something, I always go up at the cellar. Gotcha. Yeah. When did things start popping off? When did the

big pop-off happen? So I started touring with Eugene Murman in the opening forum and then I started touring with Michael Showalter, Michael Showalter, who directed the Big Sick and was in, you know, the state, which was a great sketch. Of course.

Him, David Wayne, and Michael Ian Black had a tour called Stella, where the three of them would do. Do you guys know this? The three of them. Sounds familiar. Yeah. It's very funny, very, like, surreal and bizarre. Okay.

So, and Eugene and Showalter used to run a show at Union Hall, so Mike seen me there. And then he called me once. He was like, hey, I'm Michael Showalter. I'm a comedian. I'm like, yeah, man, I know who the fuck you are. And he goes, we're doing a tour. You want to open for us.

That's sick. So then I toured with. Stella. Okay. And then Michael E. Black and Michael Showalter got a show on Comedy Central. And I submitted a packet and I got hired as a writer. So I would say that was my first, like, real job in the biz. I got hired as a writer.

And then they were like, well, we want you to be on camera too. And so I had to audition to play myself. They wrote me a part. I had to audition to play myself five times. I did five auditions for Comedy Central. Got the part. I remember going to believe it. I'm playing me.

I remember going to another floor of the office building, and there were all these brown dudes auditioning, all slightly more handsome than me, with, like, sides that said, Camel on them, reading lines that I had written for myself to say. That's brutal. Five auditions. You know, I another writer to this thing.

Yeah, I wouldn't say it like that. Try and tank him. You guys are all doing Australian accents, right? Throw everybody on. So that's when, yeah. I think you should toss it in the N-word every now and then. That's going to help you stand out from the crowd. Yeah.

Get a swastika tattoo on your face. And so that was my first time I'm acting on a show. So that was my first, like, TV thing. I had a little part on that show. We did one season. It was really fun. And I was like, oh, there's going to be my job now for a long time. And that show ended up getting canceled.

And right around then in New York, I started doing, This recurring bid on Colbert because they had this really, he had this funny thing. Do you remember when years ago Obama was like, I'm going to close Guantanamo Bay, and he was going to close all the overseas prisons, which I guess he never did. Anyway, this joke was that under Colbert's desk

was one of those prisons. And I was the only, like, prisoner under there. That's really funny. But I've become Stockholm syndrome. So he, like, gets the prison closes, he gets me out, but I keep showing up to be like, hey, how's it going, you know? Like, I'm pretending to be the food delivery guy.

So that was a recurring bit I did on Colbert. The director of Colbert of that show, I don't know how much details you want, ran into me on the subway stop. She's like, hey, what are you doing these days? I'm like, nothing. And she had me come and do a show called Portlandia that Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein.

And I was doing bumbershoot, which is a festival. And so from there, I drove to Portland. I shot this thing where it's me like pretending to sell, I'm a cell phone salesman. And I would say for years, up to this day, that one sketch on that one show has basically led to everything. Everything else.

That one sketch on that one show. When you got here in, when you got here for college, what was the financial situation? I assume somewhat light, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, money-wise? Yeah. No, I didn't really have, I got a job that I made like 40 grand a year living in Chicago. Okay.

This is after school. This is after school. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah. It's really like paycheck to paycheck, you know, but enough to like, you know, almost like 22, 23. Got you. Yeah.

And so, and the situation was like that money-wise all the way until I got that writing job on Michael and Michael, which I made like WGA scale. But suddenly I was like, oh, now I can afford to live here. But until then, money was always tight. I saved up for, because the plan was always from Chicago to move to New York to persist. stand up six years. I saved like 20 grand over six years. My wife and I moved. Blew through it in two months. Just, you know,

my man. Summer time all Broadway. I mean, you know, hanging out with Norman and Patton and all those guys. We were out until 4 a.m. every night. Suddenly we'd like, oh my God. Yeah. We're fucking rich. Blew through it. Actually, Pete. Pete Holmes had lived across the street from us

and still really good friends with him. He had like a real good knacka, you know. Did you guys ever do NACA? It was kind of slightly phasing out by the time. Is NACA done? It doesn't happen? I mean, I'm sure it does, but like.

So NACA. Anything that you, we missed all that stuff. So NACA was this thing, people who don't know, there was like a conference that would happen, regional conference where kids from all these colleges would come, and comedians and magicians and people would go up.

And based on how well they did, you'd like, they'd like book you. So I remember I scripted together $700 because that was the fee. I went to show, started at 9 a.m., my spot was at 8.57 a.m. I was the first up. I remember going up and kids were walking in with pastries because, you know, nobody's there. I fucking bombed. I remember a couple guys after me was a magician. He killed. And I have genuinely hated magicians since then.

And afterwards, they have this thing called the marketplace where you sort of stand there. They're trying to sell yourself a little bit. Yeah. Booth. And people would come and nobody, everyone's avoiding eye contact. I got one gig out of it. So, uh, Cornell College. Grinnell College. They booked me. But Pete had a real good one. So he had a year where he was just like he did, I think like 150 colleges. There was always that somebody every year, a friend of ours or whoever would be like, I went and I booked 90 colleges. Yeah. Seven, 20 of them are in North Dakota. 20 of them are in South Dakota. Totally. 20 of them are and you just, it's all regional. They would leave for like, what seemed like months. And I think the going rate at

that time you'd make like $1,500 a show, $1,600 a show, something like that. So Pete suddenly had a bunch of money. So he loaned us money. Really? Yeah, he loaned his money. He'd homes, good guy. Pete, shout out to Pete. Shout out to Pete.

If it wasn't for Pete, we wouldn't have made it in New York. No kidding. And never asked for it back. Of course, we paid him back as soon as we could. It's clear the air there. But it's so wonderful of him to lend us money and never ask for it better. He's like, I just have it sitting around. It might as well do something useful.

No kidding. And really, really tough. And then my wife got a job working as a sort of assistant at a therapy place. And she made, you know, it was like, she was making like 30 grand. It was like real. Our time in New York was really, really stressful because we couldn't afford to be here. It is for everybody. And it was like 10 years.

It was really tough on our relationship, too. Like it wasn't, we weren't like we were in it together. It was like very stressful. And it wasn't until. Michael and Michael, you know, suddenly we could afford rent and food. And then right after that show got canceled, I was like, oh, I really like acting, turns out. And so I went to L.A. and did the whole pilot season thing. Ended up getting on a show on T&T called Franklin and Bash, which you read.

How many episodes? You did like 50 episodes of that or something, 35. They did four seasons and I did three of them. So now we're cooking. Now we're making a little cage. Now we're making cash. Well, that's when I was like, okay, now I've got money. When like that influx of cash, was there any stupid purchase?

Maybe not even like, not like I'm, you know, not talking, you bought. I, I, I, I, I always. Like anything small where you look back and like, I shouldn't even die that. I'll tell you what it was. Talk to us. Right when I'd gotten the writing job and Michael and Michael have issues, I remember being like, all right, this is the first time I have money. Don't do anything stupid. You can't spend money on anything stupid.

and Emily and I were at best buy at the time. They had this street fighter game pad. Like it had like Ryu on it. And I already had a game pad, but I was like, I don't really want that one. And my wife was like, please get it. And so that was the, I remember buying it and feeling like such a luxury, you know. You know, each, I've been a gamer my whole life,

but all through Chicago and New York, you know, I'd only let myself buy a game if I did. Like, I was like, oh, I got a big show. I'm going to make, you know, $700 doing this show. I'll treat myself. Are you playing games now? Yeah, I still play. What do you have?

Do you have a PlayStation or you have one of those gaming computers? I don't have a gaming computer. I have a PlayStation Xbox and Switch. Okay. And you're playing them at home. Sit on the couch. You don't have an assistant playing them for you or anything? Like, what the hell was that?

Oh, you're playing the video games? Yeah. I'm like Elon. I get a guy to play for me. It's a guy playing right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fucking killing right now. Marble combat.

I'm ripping people's spines out right now. And now, financially, we know you're doing pretty well. What's the spotlight out in L.A.? We've got a pool? Yeah. This is, you don't need, this is what people tune in. I swear to God. I do.

Is that one of those saltwater pools? Yeah. Do you have a beach entry? Like, you walk in or is it stairs? I'm sorry. You got a hot tub? I got a hot tub. Is it connected?

It's connected. A little fountain going in from the hot tub into the pool? It's just sort of. Yeah, a little, a little, a little bit of overflow. No flames or anything? What's the outside setup situation? Is there an island out there? It's nice.

We just got it redone. Is there an ice machine out there? A what? Is there an ice machine out there? You have an ice machine out there? You got a fridge out there? No, not outside. Real?

I've got a pool house that I've turned into a screening room in my office. Okay. And I got all my action figures in there. That's a cool L.A. thing. The pool house? And then you're like, that's my office. It's my spot. Yeah, that's great.

That's really cool. I would do that. I got... That's pretty good. People really want to know this stuff? Yes, what do you mean? Swear to God. This is genuinely what they tune in for.

Dead cats and Karachi? This is what we're living for, baby. We're cutting everything. You made it out. You're here. You're killing it. I got a nice, like, really nice setup. Like, I got a bunch of friends who, like, like, smoking cigars.

So I got, like, a nice cigar set up out there, like a bunch of couches, a fire pit in the middle. I've got a gym in the house which is pretty amazing What's in the kitchen? You got sub-Z Viking? What are we doing? Stainless steel appliances I presume

I don't actually know what the Those are like the fancy ones Sub-Z and sub-zero You don't got a whirlpool in there Like a bozo I would have said right? I don't know A Kenmore guy

I don't honestly I don't really care about Like I don't you know I've got like I've got a Lexus I don't really know about cars I don't care about cars I have a Ferrari No no no no but it was just very

I have a Lexus because I did a commercial for Lexus and they gave me a Lexus My man That's how they do it Well you can ask for it And they'll say yes Is that instead of the check or the check and the Lexus No you did the offer comes in

They're like you negotiate and you're like All right you're going to make this much money And I'm like well can they throw in a car They got them laying around Can they throw in a car So then they did this The 92 but still They're like they'll throw in a car

They were like What car do you want And they just sent me the website So I just picked the most expensive All the things Not knowing I know nothing about cars They did say Just this most expensive

Everything And they were like hey great choice Yeah And then ship it That car Then they were like Hey so this happened in the pandemic You know

And I was like actually Can I hold it off You know Because they give it to you For three years It's a lease And so as it was ending They were like

If you wait Another four months There's a new model coming out that's going to be amazing and so I was the first guy in North America to have this one specific car this new model

and they were like I had six months before anybody else had that car now the good thing about that car it's a beautiful car it's a luxury car it's not a car that looks like a car that people are going to steal you know like LA's got a lot of like I call them grand theft auto cars you know where you're like you see that car you're stealing that car

to get you at the gas station or something yeah this looks like a regular sedan Gotcha yeah The Lexus is the gentleman. They're not flashy. Gentleman's move. Gentleman's move. I respect it.

How many suits do you think you own? You probably get a lot for, you know, you get dressed a lot and stuff like that, awards and stuff like that. What do you think the number's at? I think I probably have, because, you know, you get those suits, but they take them back. Every now and then you can ask to keep them. I just threw out a bunch of suits because I got, they don't fit me anymore. You could wear a suit, by them. way. You can wear the hell out of a suit.

Oh, thank you. I like wearing suits. I've got probably eight or nine suits. Stop it. Tie tie tie? Of course. Yeah, I could tie a tie. Got a Lexus. Yeah, write that down.

I just make a little marks. But most of the suits that you see me wearing at things are not my suits. Every now then I ask to keep, like, if I get a really nice tuxedo, I'm like, oh, can I keep this? And if you ask, like, you know, most of the clothes, If you ask, like, not too often to let you keep them. But the craziest thing, they give me a Vacheron watch. Do you guys know watches? Not really.

Okay. If you would have dropped the brain, he would have known, he would have been like, I'm a huge watch guy. Look this up. How do you spell it? V-A-C-H-E-R-O-N. I know Rolex. And then space, and then type in Turbion, T-O-U-R-B-I-L-L-N. so they gave me

like what the heck just to wear for an event they were like this is the watch and I looked at it and I was like I think this is very expensive but the one I looked up was a $200,000 watch

did you have to give it back? Yeah of course I would have stole that no kidding they know where that's going they keep track of it it comes with a sign-in sheet who gives you that

that company Hollywood what are you talking to the mayor shows up Karen Bass He got a big key Yeah Okay All right

I mean Yeah so Listen this is how I feel I feel pretty You know There are downsides To being known But there are a lot of upsides

And not having to like Worry about money Is a huge one of them You know For years I was like I'll never do anything for money Then I did some stuff for money And then now I'm like

I won't do anything for money again Because now I don't care Like you know Doing Broadway It doesn't pay nothing like movies and TV. Like nothing, but I'm like, I want to do this. I feel like I'm like, I've got enough set up that I'm like, I don't need to worry about this. My wife and I, we're not, we don't, we don't have kids.

We don't have those expenses. We don't spend a lot of money. We have like pretty normal life. What was the last vacation you two went on? We try and go on a vacation every year out of the country. But we're doing it up. We're doing it nice. Four seasons, the Ritz.

You got a little big gentleman. Yeah, we're doing it. You got some cash. You got to spend it on vacation. Yeah, that's where we spend it. You're flying up front? Got to, what? I'm just saying it's going to look like.

Delta Comfort? I mean, Delta Comfort Plus, middle seat. What's your credit score like? Is he an asshole? Yeah, so that's where we spend money. This year we had to cancel vacation because of work. And, you know, like this year, I had to work and not had to. I was lucky.

Working in London. But that doesn't really count. Sure. Our last trip that we did. I'm trying to think where we went last year. Oh, we went to Indonesia and Singapore. Back to that, Toys R Us. I mean, listen, I'm, you know, I got all I think I need.

I have one question, just pure American culture, Pizza Hut or Domino's, and why? If you had, obviously, you're keeping it tight. I think for me, Pizza Hut, when you got that, like, you know, on the pan where it's like, it's almost like the crust is fried. Yeah, it's like buttery. Yeah, it's like buttery and crispy. I think I love, I actually love both Dominoes and Pizza Hut, but I think Pizza Hut, just because it was also the first, like Grinnell had a Pizza Hut, go all the time, eat the Pizza Hut buffet, you know?

Is that still going on? They're bringing it back. That was. You know what's really good pizza here? Well, you guys tell me, what's good pizza here? Because my wife, I don't want to go, but we want to go to like a nice, I don't want to, I want to go and sit down and have like that. John's on bleaker.

johns on bleaker it's a nice sit down you want you want you want the best you can't sit down there but you want the best pizza in new york city right now chrissey's pizza in green point really the best pizza in new york city we'll get we'll get you if you want we'll get you he's a buddy of ours we'll get we'll get you set up over honestly the best started making him during the pandemic yeah it's killing it had a pop up over at uh superiority burger open up a brick of motor plays that in green point lines are around the block okay sells out every day uh really really good like takeaway pies i'm big fan of ruby rosa down in the lower east side okay I can get there I can get there I mean listen got a little bit of dirt under

the fingernails he's a classy guy he's all class classy are you are you peeing in the shower no brush your teeth in there every now and then I don't pee in the pool you don't pee in the pool I don't pee in the pool I don't pee in the pool I don't pee outside here's one get this don't pee in the ocean I I sit down to pee at my house really I don't stand up to pee I don't want that splashing around that's my home that's my home that's my Castle I don't want I'm not too proud to sit down and pee yeah I'm seeing a lot of I mean listen I got to be honest with you you got his and her sinks at the at the house yeah this guy's class yeah of course he doesn't hollywood here's the thing why here's the thing

whenever we like we try and do like here my apartment even with hotel owners we're trying to do two bathrooms we try and keep it separate we don't we don't fart in front of each other we don't keep it spicy yeah we keep it spicy there's like a real separation do you have a place here and a place up there just a house in just a house in L.A just house in L.A we're just at like a

Any investment properties anything like that no Bitcoin no I don't do the market I don't I don't understand that stuff I feel like I shouldn't have money that I don't think I've earned and again you know I've done some things where I'm like I ain't me

I just I just I don't with this? It scares me too much. Sure. I don't understand it. I don't understand investing. I don't understand buying a property. I just am like I don't, I don't understand it and I don't want to, you know. I'm right there with it. I don't understand it. You buy low, sell high.

This is too complicated. Listen, we'll talk after. I'll get you with my guy. You got so many hookups. Chrisie's pizza, you got this guy. You get you a slice of pizza and someone to lose your money if you want. Guy, he's on Broadway right now. Oh, Mary.

You got a special coming out in December with Hulu You got a bunch of projects coming up Yeah, it's called Night Thoughts I'm in the next season of Fallout Which is a show also coming out in December Have you seen that show? Yeah, it's awesome So good

Yeah I got a couple episodes in there I've got a movie coming out called Ella McKay Which is the James L. Brooks movie With Woody Harrelson Jimmy Lee Curtis It's a great

It's a great cast Killing it And yeah She's doing O'Mary now for another one and a half. We love it. We couldn't be more happy for you. Such a fun time. You're one of the absolute best.

We love you. Thank you so much for coming in. Oh, thanks for having me, guys. Kiffie, what do you got for them? Guys, the fall tour starts up in September in Portland, San Francisco, Seattle, and L.A., get your tickets. Those shows will sell out. We love you and we'll see you out there. Camel, we love you, buddy.

Gang, we love you, and we'll see you next week. Peace.