Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kyle Dunnigan!

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Are You Garbage present stand up comedian Kyle Dunnigan! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a Live Show! NEW LIVE SHOWS: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Indochino: https://www.Indochino.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Fum: https://www.tryfum.com Promo Code: garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Is it trashy if your dad took you to the prison he works out to get a free haircut? No complaining about that cut, I'll tell you that. No, it looks great, thanks so much, take care guys. Now who would cut the hair? Would it be an inmate or would it be like a barber that day hire? An inmate? That's gotta be a leave, that's crazy! I'm sure you skipped the lollipop too on the way out to the door. Thanks, we're good.

Gang, get your tickets for all the cities on the State Trashy Tour and are you garbage.com. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Gobbage? Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast. This is our you garbage. Oh yeah. So I will show you. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I figure it to be

classy. Yeah. Or to just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Dave Svoli coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tuddy's in a new addition. She just started a new little business for herself. Okay. Stealing catalytic converters.

Out there. Yeah. Yeah. My coach is coming at you from right next to me. Slightly on him use this week. He is the CEO of our you garbage and he's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. What up, guys? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you're ready to use subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are

true to rev. Cooking and then the greatest website of all time. www.patrion.com gang. It's a fucking party over there checking out. Yes, sir. It happened a nice quick shout out to our producer,inaire the magic man makes us all look good Works the ones the twos the threes and the fours he crosses the tees and he dots the eyes and he's no stranger to an ollie I can tell you that giving up for t-bone Mcscruffins Toby McMillan everybody Throwing me over there. Oh, oh, you were clapping at me like a dad, proud as kids hit a home run man. No, when you grabbed him.

Rod him. I'm excited. We got a great kind of addition. I've been here in about a few years. I know. Yeah, getting along here, ain't lying. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly. And I mean incredibly special guest here

with us today for the first time. He is a very funny stand up comedian and actor. And you might have seen him in, but not limited to. Here we go gang We got happy family Cedric entertainer presents train wreck inside Amy Schumer 12 episodes of that also produced on that show and wrote 39 episodes then you got 16 episodes of Reno 911 you got immortal compass you got cranky anchors garfunkel anotes It's got his own comedy central presents the the Jim Brewer show, Conan, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, how we do it, your mom's house, Seth

Myers, Tiger Belly, WTF, The Howard Stern Show, lights out with David Spade, the Joe Rogan experience. He has his own YouTube page. It's got about 400,000 subscribers, and you can watch the fresh press of DC and the Kyle Dunnigan show over there and he's on tour right now ladies and gentlemen give it up to one the only Kyle Dunnigan. That was the role I've never had someone get that many credits in the intro. Yeah, you're a worker, baby. Happy family, I was fired from. I still got paid.

I've never made the air. I have like a, I can't read well. I'm telling you a lot of kids. I might jame up in the acting, have like a, I can't read well. I'm telling you a lot of, I can't. I might jame you up in the acting, there's. Wait, why can't you read well? I, you know, the things are backwards and I just, I read like a,

I took a back and forth. Like I, I guess words and I get to the end of the sentence. I go, that wasn't, that wasn't believe. That was the different, and then I go back, I go, oh, was that, it takes me forever. So I just don't really read. Okay. And then, you know, when you audition,

I have to memorize everything in order to audition stuff. So I just don't really read. Okay. And then, you know, when you audition, I'd have to memorize everything in order to audition stuff. So I, there was like five callbacks. It was a lot to get this part. It was a recurring role in this NBC show. And then I got it and then I go to the taberiton. They do the network come, you know, they call it a network taberiton. So it's a high pressure and everyone,

the writers, everyone's laughing at their own jokes and everything. And it's usually, you kill usually. But they go like five minutes, hey, we got eight new lines for you. We got some new lines and I was like, it might have like, I'm fired, oh no. And I should have said, I just said,

listen, I can't read. I don't know how to read. And so. This is discrimination. But I had that just hopeful, like, maybe I'll do it this time. Sure. So they come, everyone's just killing, everyone's laughing, and then they get to my line, and I swear it was just like,

we should take, we should get to the, star, star, or we should get to the store before midnight, before midnight before midnight Midnight sick dead silence next person laugh laugh laugh comes back to me. I'm like Hey, soon and see a Susan I just like and I walked like I'm fired and fired and I walked up and then the next I didn't hear anything I went back the next day and I get to the studio and the cast leader was like arms like really No, and then she goes. like, arms like really? No.

And then she goes, yeah, they're gonna like get somebody else, but you get, you're going to a rack tomorrow, right? I was going to a rack the next day. Okay. Like that was a, you get to a rack tomorrow. Like she's like, you got that going for you. How do you feel about war zones, Kyle? And then we got those IEDs, huh?

Yeah, we went to a rack and it was like a six day thing and then our hotel got mortgaged. Jesus. It's exactly like it was the lobby. Yeah, really didn't want, yeah. Send him on to Iraq and Vomble. Anyway, thanks for saying the credit. What is the backstory of Kyle Dunnigan?

Give us a full scoop. Where'd you grow up? Give us a story. What a disaster. I grew up in Western Connecticut, which is a North Korean town. Yes. Westport is like the town you go to. Weston's like houses. So we grew up in a western outskirts in the Boondocks and you know, nice family, older brother and sister,

parents stayed together till God killed my dad with a brain tumor. Okay. Okay Not sure why he did that But if it dick move Not the nicest thing. That's all we had a good thing y'all here and so What did they do? What's your mom and dad do for a living? My father was a lawyer. Okay, cuz I was gonna say we've seen the house On the gram, right? Yeah, it is on the point. They do shot research Yeah, my mom's in a nice actually that's her home. You shoot it and we're not doing research

Yeah, you shoot a bunch of sketches in the house Right not driving around with the star maps out And what's didn't get any of your biggest sketches were shot in the house We know our cringolips. They're in virus and viral videos. You haven't noticed the flower truck parked outside for the last five months. When I got here, you guys said this was a safe space.

I swear they said that. I was like, okay, thank you. And it's like abuse. Don't spit this on us. All right, anyway. So yeah, my mom actually grew up on that property and knocked her childhood home down. Okay.

And then built this mansion. Okay. But here's the story, because my dad was an airplane lawyer. What's that? What is that? He focused on airplane crashes. He had a specialty.

No, she was a pilot. He had like a tiny little plane. He almost died in five times. That was just like, meh, kakakakak of money and he had this law firm and they just were sucking for, he was a very hard worker, but he would go on vacation for a month and the law firm would lose money. So he just was always frustrated.

So then this big airplane crash happened. Ron Brown, it was like a Croatian crash. I mean, yeah, whenever the, the playing crash was like, so, um, a bunch of multi-millionaires on the plane. The way it works is if an, an, an air liner or it was a private plane, it was a, kind of a famous crash. This Ron Brown was on it. He was like the secretary of treasure or something.

And it was just like eight multi-millionaire. I mean, there's more than that rich people. And so if a plane, if they find out it's someone's fault, then there's someone to sue. And it was like the maps right at date. My dad found out the maps right at date, there was like a reason why they crashed. It was someone's fault.

So then what happens is you go and you go, okay, how much would this person have made if they survived? Because they should have survived. They should have died. So then the first wife got $19 million, and then the lawyer gets a third of that, but my dad got the brain tumor like way early, and so he had to split the first thing. So it was like five million, so he got like 2.5 million.

Damn. No, but he was, like, they were kind of in debt, and like my mom never worked day or day or night. Is this before the house was built? Yeah, this is they're in Weston and he's kind of in debt But he's never made money, but so he had a new life for this I I was alive Yes, yes, this is he died and like I was like 27 or something so He got that money for my mom so she wouldn't have to work again But it was not like if he just lived another year he would have made like 60 million Just because of my case and the rest just settled like boop boop like that

But he got sick and he wasn't able to do it But he got that little bit and so my mom's like set up, but she's not like crazy rich. God She's fine. There Does the law firm still exist? His law firm. When he got that case, he left that law firm and started his own and then they sued him and they took his car. Jesus.

And then, she still got to play. Yeah. Well, no. There was that colon by like two other people. And then it's like a spider web up there. Yeah, that's a lot. I think it's a lot. I think it's got to get you a break. You know, it's a lot. I think it's a lot. I can't get you a break.

Yeah, yeah. It's a way of way. I'm not sure what the point of my story is. He, oh, and when 9-11 happened, like, they were trying to get him down. No, but he didn't car. No, he died before that. But they were looking for him, like,

because he was the playing crash guy. You know what I mean? Wait, he's missed it done again as quiet. So he would have, I mean, my dad would have made a lot of money. Instead of about the money guys. Sure. That's about the love for law. Sure.

It's about sure. That's how all lawyers get in. They love arguing. Look, I was down in round zero. Oh, wait, this might be a garbage thing I did Well, what you rob a bank on 9-11. What do you mean? Worst in that I wish I rob a bank so I had this pizza hut campaign You know when they go you have a campaign of commercials. You've just won the lottery Sure progressive lady

These things happen to other people. So I go to this audition and I somehow got the new pizza hut guy, it's Kyle Dunn again. That's awesome. Okay, and I'm broke and I'm in California and I'm like, well, let's just go mansion shopping, shall we? And so I do the first four. And it's like millions of dollars

are spending on these. We shut down Rodeo Drive, and the director's like, you're gonna make some good deal. What's the action, if you don't mind, because I know that they're very lucrative, but what's the actual, like, what'd you get paid for that? They don't pay you upfront. If we did another cycle of them,

they probably would have done a deal with me and giving you like a couple million dollars, whatever. Okay, for the next, but like, this was just like, okay, you get paid per viewing of the things. So we shot for them, one of them we shot on 9-11 and we're like, do we still shoot today? And I'm like, I think they would have wanted us to shoot at the pizza restaurant.

Jesus. If we don't shoot this pizza, the terror is there. The terror is there. Yeah, the shit. So we shoot these and the thing was, it was the big New York of pizza. This is just a bunch of slaves. A kaboom, it's just, they'll knock your buildings down.

It was, it wasn't the right tone, so they canceled it. Like they aired a few and they were like, pull, pull, pull. And this is like, we shot four, like, there's something like a terrorist. Yeah. And we shot four and they two trees and stuff like a terrorist. Yeah. And we shot four and they're like,

there's gonna be more and and and there were none. They're dead. They can't stop. Damn. And then I was on nine. I was at ground zero. It was still smoking when I got the call that they were just canceling the whole thing.

What were you doing down there? She was having a good time. Just you know, having a good time. I just wanted to spend it some of that pizza money. Well, that was, there was a lot of, I don't remember, but during at 9-11, there was a talk about 9-11. Yeah. Like around the time.

Sure. I remember. So I was in New York, and I'm like, let me go down to ground zero. Gotcha. It's the talk of the town. Gotcha. Yeah, if I could go to that submarine area,

would that submarine have been a big? Yeah, take it in the area. Yeah. Yeah, if I could go to that submarine area, would that submarine be able to take a can in the area? Sure. So I'm down there and they're like, yeah, it's all canceled, you're broke again. And I was like, I'm like, God damn it, I'm like, fucking shit. And people thought, my family died, and that's how they're smoking behind me.

And I'm like, why, why God, why me? It was a tone death. Sure. Sure, sure. But I was younger and I would never do that now. Sure. I would totally. To what in the privacy of your own home? Yeah.

The privacy. Ah, that was a thing, a garbage thing. Did you ever get any of the cash? I made, I think like 30, that 40,000. That ain't bad. It's so 40,000 adding bad it's so bad 2001 money so bad it's so bad when they're like you're gonna make millions of dollars sure and then you get 30,000 the government takes

having a 15,000 sure you have going to weekends like 5,000 on cocaine one weekend sure now you got 10 left yeah I've never done two more weekends I've never done cocaine but I'm not even against it just never came up in my face.

It's like, really? I don't know. I don't know. I can't get a read on this guy. I didn't have cool friends. Huh. If it was in my face, I would have tried it. Because actually, I'm probably told not

probably would die, so I probably shouldn't do it now. But like, This isn't a good time for cocaine. It's got some bad PR. Is it bad time for cocaine right now? It's not good, I don't think. It's a lace with fentanyl. It used to be so good.

Remember when it was so good? The good old days. Yeah. The talk of cocaine. Down below, good time to do cocaine. Just hit down below and subscribe. There you go. Like and subscribe and hit down below.

I think it's got a good time to cocaine. I turn into Jim Kramer. It's a good time to buy. Go back to Weston. What was the grocery store that you went to as a kid? It was not even, you know, there's like Delhi, there's still grocery stores in New York and the streets.

It was like that much selection. It was like a market. It was like a market. You'd have to go to Westport to do everything go the movies have fun Western was just like a I don't know a House town, huh? That makes sense, but it was very safe and I guess a nice place to grow up Okay, what was the family whip? Well, you drive what was your dad driving around in your mom driving around? My mom had like a toyota camera for a while. Okay, my dad had a Excuse me

You liked outies okay nice car last car and then the law firm when he was like hey guys I'm making all the money and like what the fuck they could we're here a car elect the Alexa's for like But then they took that away with it sure so them. So they didn't really get that. Did they get any money? Everyone they sued were, he went in the case. You know what? Which was kind of cool. When you got a brain term, they dropped it.

That's nice. They were like, all right, we're not dying. They got it hard enough. We're gonna have to ask all of us. But I mean, they should never have sued him. I mean, the guy, you know, started this whole thing where they have, they're making all their money. They just didn't and

You know anyway, but hey, what what are the family vacations like growing up? Nice. We would go to every winter. We would go to the Caribbean which sounds very nice, but Whole family you and your older family, okay, Puerto Plata nice Dorico nice Hameca nice Puerto Plata, Puerto Rico, Puerto Jamaica, Delaware, Brazil, Venezuela. Really? We want to be in a lot of different options. No kidding.

And that's not a safe place, but we didn't know until we got there. We were like, oh, this is war torn. But anyway, nice vacations. Fam, my parents stayed together. They had no divorce there. My dad was pretty quiet. It was a smart guy, but he was kind of offensive.

And then the women in the house were like, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, I love them, but like they were the dominant things. They ran. They ran that house and we would, the men would just hide away. What's the pet situation growing up? Any lizard's, birds? How to poodle?

How to poodle? Yeah, like my poodle, I got to pugg chew out one now, which is more fun. Okay. My dog now is nice and dumb and I like, it's funnier. It's a funnier dog. Dumb dogs are all right. Multiple poodles growing up, or just one?

No, one poodle. At a time? One, one. That'snier. It's a funnier dog. The dogs are all right. Multiple poodles growing up, or just one. No, one poodle. At a time, one, one. That's it. That's it. How long did it last? Like 15 years. Okay. I had one as 11.

It lasted my whole way through high school and everything like that. Okay. You gathering information, you starting to paint the picture. We are. We are. Okay. We're getting there. What kind of student were you good student

bands read so I did terribly I did well in like other stuff though other topics like I was I did like physics I was advanced in physics was with like the older kids interesting yeah I'm gonna say kickball or something like that I was in bad where you have to sports? Athletic at all or no? Yeah, I was okay. Athletics, I played golf, which is a real panty tropper in high school. We had a, only did my freshman year, I was fifth varsity. There was like one person for each number, whatever, five people on the varsity team. And I was fifth varsity.

Then there was a party in the top four varsity guys got suspended. So I was number one There you go. As a freshman, I lost every I lost every game the whole year called the cops on that party didn't yeah drop and dime My shot you over to the sloshbergs house right now you'll catch them all I'm gonna go to the sloshbergs house right now. You'll catch them all. Hey, it's gone. Oh, man. Um, any family picks together wearing the same clothes?

No. On the beach, everyone wearing white mom wanted to do that. Believe you're okay. It's a good question. I'm putting it together. The Caribbean winter vacations, the Audi, the law firm, the small plane, I could see that happening. We didn't feel rich because our town, like my friends were more rich. My friends were like pools and they had more money. So we're a lot of the houses in your neighborhood, knock downs and then rebuilt.

We were in the poor area. They were not big houses. No, they weren't rebuilt. But then when yours was, well, you guys, the hottest house in the neighborhood, that's Westport you're seeing. That's my mother moved to Espera. My father died. Oh, that was a house. Okay. It was an L.A. Gotcha Hollywood. Gotcha. Not doing coke. Yeah. Sure. Everything would be cool. Yeah. But let's talk about Indochina. Ooh, baby fresh threads. Talk about not looking like a Bozo. Say you got a wedding coming up, you got a nice school reunion.

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and I'll back to the gosh darn show. Do it today! It was tiny, I was a tiny boy. Okay. And it was upsetting because I, you know, you like girls and then you see where you are in the social structure and the popular girls were like, we decided you're gonna be class clown. Like they decided what the superlative was.

And then I got upset because you see like, oh you're a clown. And then I cried and then they found out. I was the hot kid the whole time. Start a career. I did. I thought I was a hot kid. You don't know when you're 12.

Come on guys, I'm shooting 15 over par over here. I knew I wasn't hot at 12. First year. Wait, hold on, you started crying? Where? Yeah, well, to my friend, I got upset, it was a bunch of things. I played this like, how do you want to talk about it?

I played on little Albert in like the dumb Mary Poppins play and I just was like this clown and then this girl I liked was like, you make the perfect Uncle Albert who's like a stupid man and clown. And then they were like, you're spelt at me. Clown and then I was like upset about it and then I guess my friend told like the administrator they would have a faculty and they'd change it

to best personality. There you go. Oh damn dude. I didn't see it. I didn't see it with a giant until dad and college. What about your bedroom? What was, what was it? Oh my God.

Oh my God. This is like a great transition because I don't know what, we need a psychologist in there, but my mother for somehow, she found out, like I was upset about the clown thing and I was voted class clown. She filled my room with clowns.

Geez. Oh my God. What the fuck is her, fuck the fuck? My phone went at rang, we go, that's hysterical. Ha ha ha. I'd be like, hello. Maybe a big clown.

That's a big cheater. And I hated clown. And that was a picture of a clown that had this that I love girls on it. It's like in my room and I'm like, I hated my room. She's a surprise. Wait, you couldn't take that stuff down?

I hear what's like. This is your senior year we're talking. Yeah, you couldn't take that stuff down? Here's what it's like. This is your senior year we're talking. Yeah, I still do this. I have trouble knowing what I want and what I like. Because I'm not sure. So I... If you don't want to be here, you can leave. I would know.

I might want to leave. I don't know. But I just was kind of told what to do. So heavily since a one-years-old that I was just told what I liked and then I just things would happen. Like I didn't know I love music but I didn't it didn't don't know that I could go by music I liked and listen to it. I never bought like a CD or anything I just sort of would try to find the song on the radio because my I I just was so not anything I kind of wanted

Like when I was younger, you guys are so worried about me. I had a great child that Are you okay? I and I'm I've gone at therapy everything's fine I'm learning to know what I want but I do have I too struggle and I sort of go with whatever the flow is You didn't do Columbia House when you were a kid and get the CDs for a penny or anything like that? Nev, no, no. What did your mom listen to?

What was her favorite? I mean, this is back when you couldn't yell at Alexa to play something and it is a whole process but my parents listened to like, Abba. All right. I'm with you. I enjoyed. Sure.

Englebert Humberding was a favorite. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'm with you. I enjoyed. Sure. Engle, Englebert Humberding. Sure. It was a favorite. Okay. All right. Anyway, great. I had a great mom and a great dad.

I just, this thing, also, it's like, whatever happened in my childhood, I somehow had trouble saying, I don't like that or I like that. Whatever reason. I'm not my mom's fault, but I had trouble. Picky Eater is the kid. Not too much that. Whatever. I'm not my mom's fault, but I had trouble. Picky eater is the kid?

Not too much, no, too bad. Would they pack you lunch or would you buy a lunch? It's cool. Pact made lunch with a smiley face and like a carrot and like some potato chips in a bag. Okay. As sandwich with wonder bread, which is good for you. Sure.

Sometimes you'd be, get peanut butter fluff nice honor Just a cook that's a good yeah peace of cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not a dessert. Yeah, but um, yeah, I don't know how maybe that's maybe that's what I was tiny I was just having sure how there is yeah, I would do when I would start to play golf when I was young I only play like two years I burnt out, but I get kind of obsessed with things. It's hard being on tour, okay? Well, it's hard when you go to the, your country club. Sure. Sometimes you have to, you know,

carry your own back. Do your parents want to know? But like, it's hard. It's like a crazy thing. Hey, you guys who are a member of the country club. Yeah, but it was really by mom, only for a couple of years. I was really obsessed with golf. I was the one who went there, but it was really by mom. Well, only for a couple years, I was really obsessed with golf. I was the one who went there, but I would go there

and I would play, I would walk 18 holes, get a snickers bar and a sprite, and then walk another 18 holes and then put till it was dark. And I would just do that over and over. Damn. Yeah, I had to kind of psycho behavior when I was younger.

I'm not like that anymore, but I would fly a kite till I peed my pants. I just would, wait, what? I made my tongue out, it's like, it was before they diagnosed, it's a long time ago, they didn't say like, this time was wrong, they were just like, he can't read. Kyle, you can go the bathroom if you want.

Yeah, I just like, feed my pants and couldn't read and but everything's fine now. You should be happy with that class clown, fucking title. I know, I'll just step up from, to your I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know, know, Billy Joel. Really? How would we love Billy Joel? Ooh, probably like seven, 16. Okay. And then in high school. Did you go with your parents? Did you go by yourself? No, I went with friends. I went with friends. And then I went again. I have a whole Billy Joel thing.

I'll try to talk real quick. Because I love Billy Joel. Love Billy Joel. And then I was in college and this girl was like, hey, I have an extra ticket to Billy Joel. Ninth row. And I was like, yes, because I imagine, very clearly I'm gonna jump on stage, I'm gonna

rush the stage, I'm gonna ninth row, you know. Just get a loose cannon there. I love you Billy, he gets tased. Oh, wait a minute, here's a, okay, so then she takes a ticket away from me, but I'd already imagined, I'd already the secret of that, which I don't really believe in, but I also do believe in it, because in my life when I've really imagined something Like it seems like it kind of happens. So I go to the concert the same tour But now I had to buy my own tickets. I'm a Yankee Stadium second to last row. You could touch the backing

The delay from Billy singing it was insane. He's singing uptown girl. We're hearing piano man So I'm all mag they had ninth row seats. Oh, I was told for like she take the ticket away her friend wanted to go Did you mention isn't gonna rush? Yeah, did you mention any of your manifesto plans? No, okay, okay Like that. It was just she was just like I found something someone better than you was the thing So I go to my nine friends. I go let's go sneak down to the thing, try to rush the stage, no one had rushed yet. So we all went down, they all got caught immediately. There's guards right there, ticket flash, every 15 feet. And the ticket says, tear on it in big letters.

And I'm just going and they keep pointing me next stand, he pointed me where I want to go. Crazy. I went by like six different card stands. I go, and now I'm in the front, and I go right to the stage, and I go right to the stage, and then everyone rushes. And now I'm like, front and center, Billy Joel right there. And then, and I gotta say, this is an important part of the story.

I was sure I had AIDS. Now, it wasn't like, I might have AIDS. I was like, I'm dying of AIDS. Now, why would I think that? I had sex with one girl one time. And back then, you had unprotected sex, you had AIDS. It was cover of Time Magazine, just like. It just said AIDS on every magazine thing.

And this girl had sex with me, which no one ever does, so she was must've been Lucy Goosey. And she was 21, which is so much older than me. How old were you at this time? 16, 17. Well, I was first year in college, like, yeah, I was like, quite 17, 18. Yeah, 18.

So now, and I've lived with AIDS for like a year at this point, you know, because it's been. No medicine, too, that's a pretty good, that's pretty good. I could, I tried to get tested, but again, with my personality, I never get initiative. I went to the, I called the school nursing, I was like, we don't do that. She called the school nurse, can you test me for AIDS?

Yeah, she was, we don't do that. And I was like, okay, I guess I'll just live with AIDS. So I'm at this concert front row, and I'm like, I'm gonna jump on stage like I imagine, you know, and the concert's ending. And then I got too scared You know there's big guards and stuff and I looked on his lady and I go hey you want to jump the stage with me I think she'd get tackled first a price

Don't hold broad. Yes, bro. This housewife along Island push her into the guy and she Don't be my fullback. I'm a she was I'm a scary Mary. I've never heard that before Of course that's what sticking in your head from this stick in your head. What a weird Mary. I had never heard that before. Of course. Hello, that's what's sticking in your head from this to when it's sticking your head. What a weird thing she said. The way she was fucking crazy. I'm a scary Mary just because it rhymes. Your name's Mary now.

Anyway, I listen lady. I don't know the fuck that means I got to get Billy Jolie. Yeah. I don't know how much time I have left. I got to move now. I don't have time for your little quips. Fake names. So Billy Joel's time for your little quips. Fake names. So Billy Joel's walking out.

Time is ticking to it. Let's go. Billy Joel starts walking out, right? And I go, I'm too scared, you know? And then I remember, I have AIDS. I'm dying anyway. So the power of AIDS literally propelled me onto the stage. Okay.

And I jumped up, I powered my bags, I had a good job. He was like, hey, thanks. And then a guard, and barreled his shoulder. And then I was behind Billy Joel like this, you know, with a guard. And I'm like, don't touch me, I have AIDS. And then they just let me down gently. But I, it was all filmed. And I have it on film.

And then it was, it was, it were filming a Billy Joel live at Yagi stage. Oh, yeah I see that yeah, I'm in that I'm in the way right I haven't seen the whole thing. I'm in the I'm at the very accredited. I wasn't that in the I was gonna ask is that the concert where they do they do the live version of Miami 51 yeah, yeah, you were that that show. Yeah, yeah, god damn at the show. It was a news and star of that show. I have I have it here. I'll show you guys. I okay, so now cut to this is way longer than you're expecting, but cut to 25 years later almost to the day. I got eight. I was invited to the movie Train Rec.

Yes. Okay. So I had been writing for Amy and she had put Billy Joel music in that movie. Okay. Because she, you know, like Billy Joel music, whatever. So she was like, hey, I'm going to dance on stage with Billy Joel, the Jennifer Lawrence, come to Chicago and just come on stage, you could meet him and I was like so psyched. So 25 years later I go and it's the same type of thing

where it was a stadium and it was, first went to his rehearsal and like I went up and onto the stage like the same way and he's the same play. It was so, it was crazy. It was crazy. And then I showed him the video of me jumping on stage and I had that too on film him his reaction. Security. No, I know. But he had to be nice because like Jennifer Lawrence was there. And I have like all this on film. Isn't it not weird?

Wait, how did you find the second two? You then watched the Billy Joe live at Yankee Stadium and saw all yourself. Is that how you have? Yeah, and they have like three different angles like they put it in they were like, oh this is like this psychos Jumping on that fucking insane. Is that crazy? Do they put you in baseball stadium jail? Yeah, you gotta go and they put the hat on your head. Should I put them in a straight jack? Yeah, this is like getting yeah Yeah, this is like probably a... And then this is gonna be showing, this is gonna be as a 18 year old jumping on stage.

He is running on stage. Yeah. Oh, the whole thing. Anyway, listen. He looks real into it. He looks real into it. He was to talk to you. He just asked me, did I go to a concert ever in that,

in 40 minutes later, I'm like, I am a scared Billy Joel. I tried to kidnap Billy Joel. Oh, I fucking love Billy Joel's the point. I love Billy Joel. Just saw him at the garden, fantastic. Any carpet in the bathroom or the kitchen in your original house? Oh, God, we're gonna get, this is gonna, this sounds fucking crazy, but we're already there, buddy. Are we?

I mean, this isn't. The Acosteen Billy Joel with AIDS is a big deal. I mean, I we're already there, buddy. Are we? I mean, this isn't. The Acosteen Billy Joel with AIDS is a, this is weird, but I don't. He's not- He's not gonna not put this out. You're gonna do these all the time. You're gonna throw one out, all right?

You know what I, it's gonna hurt you guys. This only hurts me. We got our whole house recarpeted. Okay. Every room is recarpeted except for my room. Why? Clowns, old carpet. Look, I don't know.

What? We need some therapy as well. I don't know. It's like, I was at the youngest to make sure I didn't, I don't know. Feel too good about that. Peat on the floor or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. But anyway, yeah, we had carpet No carpet in the kitchen you ask. Yeah. No, no in the bathroom. No We get close to your grandparents growing up. Yeah, my grandparents one one side was closer to the other Okay, my grandmother my father's I was a little sorely. Well, they all up there in the same area my mother's grandparents were close They were in the house or the property that my mom's on now in Westport. Where'd your dad grow up, by the way? He grew up in the Uber and Moss at Tulsa's.

Okay. And he actually fell into that pond that they dumped. They did a movie. They dumped all the toxic waste in that pond. It was called a civil action with John Travolta. Okay. And my dad fell into that pond because he was ice skating and it didn't freeze.

It was like mostly chemicals. And then he did get a brain tumor. He did? It might have been something like that. Something to't freeze. It was like mostly chemicals. And then he did get a brain tumor. She might have been some like that. Some to look into. What did you call your grandparents? You also want a nuclear submarine. I call him for what?

Wait, why? He was in a Navy? Yeah, he was in a Navy. Yeah. He grew up very poor. And he didn't do well in school, but they had this program at BU. If you like, two took like this,

like IQ test, whatever, for the kids that were dropped out or ever, you could get into the program there. I knew he saw, there was a house, he was like, it was a big house, and he was like, what do they do? And there was someone's like, that's a lawyer, and he was like, okay, I'll do that. Oh wow.

Anyway, he loved to read. Ironically, he read, even though vacation was reading and I didn't understand. None of us really really the whole family was Not very smart except for him He didn't really relate to anybody Just like this guy Where did you go to college? I went to Harvard

Now it's okay, what the fuck you can't read I went to Ithaca, then I went to Yukon. Okay. Yeah. There you go. Full basketball. Women's. Walked on the golf team. Yeah. Had them all arrested.

I was number one. I was going to ask, what did you call your grandparents? What were their nicknames? Nanny and Gramps. Nanny and Gramps. That's all right. That's not bad. That's kitschy.

And then Nanny and Gramps over the other side. Okay. But my grandma, she was my dad's side. She was and grandpa with the other side. Okay. Okay. But my grandma she was My dad's side. She was kind of like always smoking and she's like my lungs are clear as a bell Which you can hear they weren't and they were driving back from some place and she's smoking It's coming into the back seat. I'm getting I'm about to barf and I didn't I was kind of a shy kid And it was very difficult for me to say this. But I said, Nanny, can you please stop smoking? I think I'm going to get sick and she goes,

man, it's just smoking. I just kept smoking, you know? Sure. We opened that. And then we got out of the car. I remember we were at KFC and I just looked down on my flip flops and I just barred right between my flip flops. And she wasn't like, I'm so sorry, you didn't tell me that.

She was like, God, I'm climbing, God, I'm climbing. I'm gonna be choosing before you get back in the car. But I ain't got a tough life. You know what I mean? I don't know who's that all right, lady. Sure, I'm all right. Sure. Yeah, you can't judge a person.

It's a different generation. They didn't know when he better. Next question. Next question. What was the magnet situation on the fridge growing up? Was it an abundance of magnets by any chance? No, there were not. Okay. I'm interested in know why, like, how these are garbage. These are garbage people that would have that. Yeah. Yeah. The Kennedy's don't have a bunch of, you know, magnets from New Mexico or whatever. What about Christmas?

What did you guys do? Christmas. We used to say to the aliens, to get those off our fucking bread. Oh, it's a question. Good about Christmas. You guys celebrate Christmas? I loved it was huge. White lights, colored lights, what'd you do? Um, poof. I think we colored lights on the outside of the house too.

No, no, we're a big decoration outside. I'm talking about the tree. Yeah. I think a white Christmas tree lights. Class, white's class. No, no, we're a big decoration outside. I'm talking about the tree. Yeah. I think a white Christmas tree lights. Class, white's classy. Yeah, white's classy. I don't think I think it's soulless. You're crazy.

Am I crazy? You're peeing in your pants, white. Oh, kites. That was only, I was like 12. I don't do that anymore. Would you use tinsel on the tree, you remember? No. How about the popcorn things?

No, no, no, we ain't like that. Okay. So Connecticut. Stop a little bit of clang. Christmas in Connecticut. They make movies about this stuff. Ah, it's true. Westport's beautiful now.

I don't think it's a Westport. They just made it so nice. They actually tore down this, they had a bridge, okay? And it was this old old rickety bridge. And they tore down and built a nice bridge. And then Martha Stewart was like, this has no charm. And the town ripped down the brand new multi-million dollar bridge and put up the rickety,

that's not shit. That's not one of the channels. Anyway, it is a nice bridge. It has colored lights on it. Year round. No shit. Yeah, shit. A lot of shit.

You call it mini golf or putt putt? Mini golf. Okay. Gentlemen. That's the class of your answer. Gross, or pharmacy or drugstore? Pharmacy. Not bad.

Call it ground beef or hamburger. Call it that of this. He's still got a chance. That's a big story. He does not. You are. You are in a class all by yourself. Oh, I got a knock.

That's not right. Say that now. What was the question? Hamburg or meat or ground beef? Ground beef. Okay. All right. Have you ever been inside a PT cruiser?

Oh, I thought you were going to say a woman. That's how you're going to be. Both? No. No, both yes. PT Cruiser. Yeah. Wait a minute, is that the Jeep thing? Yeah, it's like a, no, Chrysler made him.

Yeah. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. You would know if you were inside of PT Cruiser. That's something you forget about. Let's talk about now that, let's talk about now. You'd mentioned before you own a home in Los Angeles, selling it.

You're selling it right now. Yes. How long have you owned that home in Los Angeles. Selling it. You're selling it right now. Yes. How long have you owned that home? Seven years. Seven years, okay. Was there a- Seven wonderful years. Was there a big influx of cash when you bought that home?

Was something cooking? No, I just always been kind of a saver. Okay. I never really had big hits. You know, a lot of like pizza hot, like get ready for the roller coasters that never happened, but I did save and I invest in the stock market. I like stock market. Really? Yeah, I do actually, I like every day I study like that kind of stuff. No kid any big scores off that are just gonna. Yeah,

I put a lot to Tesla like very early. Really? Shit. Yep. All right. Yeah, that's crypto. I did have crypto, but I got out of it when it started to like very early. Really? Really shit. Yep. Alright. Any crypto? I did have crypto, but I got out of it when it started to like look like a not great game. I still have like a like 5,000 in crypto and Bitcoin. I don't know how to get it. I have a role.

I have a role. It isn't a wall, but it's like the crack and I don't know how to. I'm just going to leave it. See what happens. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yes. All right, so you got the house in LA. Where are you at right now?

Well, I'm, the studio. Well, I'm renting in Manhattan and I love that area and I walk to the cellar. I walk to the stand. East side or west side, if you don't mind me. Just well, and East side. And I just walk to the cellar in the stand. I know. East side or west side, if you don't mind me. Just, well, and East side. And I just walk to the cellar and the stand. I know it's gonna get cold and it's gonna be impossible

and awful and the winter's. I've been here in the winter. Okay. Offal. But right now, it's amazing. And women hate bras. Like never before. Especially in that neighborhood.

East Village. You're not allowed to have one on. Yeah, it's like something happened. I love the whole, I don't know. I think it's that braver anyway. No, I know why you like the neighborhood. Yeah, it's actually distracting. I get, it's not easy to mad and I'll say,

I'll go, Jesus Christ. You know, you walk way trying to focus. God dammit. There's an anger, isn't there? You can't do anything about that. Trying to focus on my day treats. Yeah, you're like, oh, fucking killing me. It's a big guy.

Yeah, so anyway, they hate bro. That's why that bra burger was like, I got such a bad, stupid protest. Remember the women burn their bras? Like, Vietnam War, I mean? No, it was like the late 60s, it was like, we're not sex objects. Cause it's not for like,

don't treat it to sex objects. I think so, yeah. We're gonna have our tits flopping all over the piss you get sex off the brains, it was a bad. Cool with us. Whatever you, whatever you, ever you brods want to do Well, you put potato chips on a sandwich. I Would do that. Okay, but do you don't okay? What do you eat?

What are you eating at the apartment? Are you ordering any you cooking? I don't cook much at all I will go out. I have my spots at my breakfast spots with my breakfast sandwiches. It does have avocado on it, which I think you should write down. I think that's a classy thing. How do you spell that? I have a V.A.

Is it just from the corner or are you going to a little bit fancier of a spot? I got one fancy spot that I sort of save for like what I'm feeling like I really deserve it. And then I have a trashier place, which is still good, but it's a fake egg. I know they're just opening some egg and something. Every morning, you're getting breakfast out.

Every morning, this morning I did a smoothie. I do that sometimes, too. I found my smoothie spot. And I get my spots, and I love my spots. And then at night, I'll probably have like, there's a few good restaurants, and then there's like a truck where I do this. I do go to a truck, boot truck.

Okay. A couple of times a week. Is there anything in the house food wise? Apple and peanut butter is like my snack. Really? Yeah, it's a good. That's it. Every now and then I'll put some like they these trader Joe's things that are like cauliflower chips and I'll do hummus and that is like a snack. So you're pretty good. You're trying to keep it tight. I try to keep it tight. I also try to not eat after like seven or eight p.m. I don't, I want to eat so bad, but I know it's just like, you know, feeding that whole and it's so nice

and fun and just like shove bood in your face to fall asleep. I don't even preach to the choir kid. I, yeah, I cheat a lot. Okay. I tried it. What's the, the boot war like the bedroom? You got a king size bed? No, it cheat a lot. Okay. I tried it. What's the, the boot war like the bedroom? You got a king size bed?

No, it's a queen. I'm renting from a friend of a friend. Oh, okay. It's a tiny, tiny place, but I'm looking at apartments, but it's so expensive, I can't believe, like what you get for the money. I mean, a box in that area. It's not.

So it was already $1.5 million for like a small, and then they're like, HWF is $3,000 wild. Yes, well, who can, Yeah, it's not so it was already $1.5 million for like a small and then they're like H.W.A. If he's $3,000 wild who can look if you have $10 million maybe you're gonna buy like a I want like a $2 million place like if you if you have $10 million dollars You're gonna live in a little box. You're like I've $10 million yeah, I don't know who these are for but I'm I'm gonna probably rent for a little while and then see see, I don't wanna get a house outside the city because part of why I'm leaving L.A.

is I was lonely in my house. It's like a lonely, I see. You wanna be in the mix. I like being in the mix. If I had a girlfriend, I would be okay with getting a house. But just like the idea of being in a house alone is just like, I don't know, I don't like, it's like a lonely thing.

Sure. Okay. If I cried, that'd be good for ratings. That'd be a clip of a good real You know man sure Grown man cries So hey hold on so the appointment was furnished when you moved in you got it as is yeah, yeah as is okay furnished when you moved in. You got it as is. Yeah, yeah, as is okay. 20 2700 months. Do any of your takeout me, any of your outside meals, do you bring them into the house to eat?

Yeah, you do. Do you eat it to like a table? I sit in front of the couch because the couch is unbelievable. I don't know how this couch got made or it's a four. Yeah, because the couch, it's like it's the material is sandpaper. You're if you just you could like Smooth out the finish of all something. Yeah, and then they're like Three bubble seats of the huge crevices. You can't I don't know. I don't know why this car is it fancy? Is it like a like maybe Maybe it's like I don't know what looks good to the eye. Maybe it looks good or something, but it's no It's awful. It's awful. You sit on the floor and eat at the coffee table.

Yeah, and the coffee table is on its side, so that's probably on its side. Wait, why is it on its side? I guess it makes it a long way. It came like that. I just noticed there's like things on the side that it's supposed to be stood upright. It's like a rectangle.

Jesus. You watch TV when you're eating? Yeah, I've been watching yellow jackets. Have you seen that show? I have not. It's like a rectangle. Jesus. You watch TV when you're reading? Yeah, I've been watching yellow jackets. You've seen that show? I have not. It's really good. Okay. Actually, dialogue is bad a lot of the time.

Okay. Almost like what they were like. Let's just put this in for now and later we'll go back and make it. But the story and the structure of it and the premise really, these girls get, they're a soccer team. They get in a plane crash. You know about this? No. Get in a plane crash and and they're stuck always a plane crash with this guy. Yeah. Yeah, that's The weird dude. That's a that's a lot of on going things guys are loose cannon. Well, you know what my YouTube sent you videos you like and it's like a lot of

Playing crash. Yeah, of course. In fact, it's falling down. Yeah. That's not bad. I know every playing crowd. They actually did a special on the one that my dad did. It was a lawyer for it. They break down and they get the black box recorder. There's actually this group. They're really sick. I actually don't recommend them because they're upsetting, but they do the whole dialogue of the black box.

And they reenact it, you know. Jesus. And it's so funny because people actually talk really poorly. You would never write this. They'll be like, they'll switch topics mid-sens how people talk. Yeah. Yeah. You never would make that. Yeah.

But they're like, Hey, did we take the, oh, man, you ever have five gum? You look like that. You're like, what? But it's exactly the thing. And God, the last thing people say is so dark, but fascinating. I have a theory about it too. Play it on us. Well, they'll say like,

we've already crossed over to Crazy War. The Rookha, go right there. The twist in May. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like there are no lights in your apartment. Yeah. No, yeah. The scariest thing that you've said is that the apples and peanut butter is the only thing in your apartment

That's freaky me out the most now. Why would that for you? That seems like a very apple fiber nice peanut butter He's got a thing with fruit. Yeah That was a fat joke Who's cutting the hair? Chinese guy. Ah, yes, I know. Did he go to somebody? Yeah, I mean, just Chinese guy, he looks at every freaking hair.

Like he's like, a punk, goes right down it. You can tell. Trims it up. Real nice. Okay, can you never go in to anyone else? I'll stop trying to win to this guy. I know I'm like a girl, yeah, because then it's like, you can wash your hair and stuff. I've tried one to this guy. I normally like a girl, yeah, because then it's like,

you think they wash your hair and stuff. It's kind of nice. Oh, they do? No, when you get a lady. Oh, lady, it's nice. So you go to a regular barber shop, not a salon. Now you go to a salon. There was a, I walked in my head washed.

Yeah, but the lady. But it wasn't a lady. I go to a barber shop. Okay. But I'd rather a lady, but this guy's good. He's good. Yeah. But I want a guy rubbing my go to a lot of times. Okay, but I'd rather a lady, but this guy's good. He's good. Yeah. But I want a guy rubbing my head and me feeling good.

What's he charged your haircut for? It was like 60 bucks. Six? Yeah. What do you tip for? I gave him a couple bucks, so. You did? Yeah, we were pushing 65 by the time I got the time.

I got, yeah. So, are you a big tipper? I am actually a pretty good tipper. And I do the time I got the time I got the time I got. Yeah, so. Are you a big tipper? I am actually a pretty good tipper. And I do the, like today, I go to Best Buy. This store sucks by the way, Best Buy. Not wrong at all. I forgot, I leave things, I forgetful whatever, and human being, and I left my charger with mom's house.

I had to go buy another charger for my laptop. So I go to Best Buy, and then I get the charger, and I'm like, is this the right one? I have a this kind of computer, like, yeah, that's the one. I take it home on package, which is like a nightmare unpackaging, these things. And I'm like, oh, this is the wrong one. They pack this back up.

And I'm like, I gotta do, are you garbage? So I'm stressed a little bit. You know, I don't want you guys to wait for me. Sure. Okay. So I go back to Best Buy, and I'm stressed a little bit. You know, someone, I don't want you guys to wait for me. Sure. Okay. So I go back to Best Buy and I'm just waiting. There's like, there's more people working at Best Buy than there are in the store and I still can't get any help.

Sure. And like, anybody, I need this. So they finally, I was probably there for 25 minutes and I finally get the thing, what am I, why am I talking about this? What was the question? I'm not sure to be honest with you. Wait, come on, we can do this. We gotta go back.

Why am I talking about this? I used to if you were a good tipper. Yes. Oh, okay, yeah. Now we're in Best Buy. Yeah. Where you shouldn't be tipper. No, no, no.

I'm a good tipper, but you shouldn't be tipper in Best Buy. No, this is a great story. So the first one I buy, they flip the screen. So I kidnap one of the stock guys. So they flip the screen. So I kidnapped one of the stock guys So I they flip the screen they go you want to give a dollar to a kid who's dying or what? Sure, and I give them a dollar right look at you like a like a bench. I go home I get I hit the wrong one I go back. I get the new one. Mm-hmm flip the screen Dollar again. Fucking daddy. I'm not gonna punish them because the best buy can't. By the way, that Apple, I got so high one night. I don't do a lot of drugs, but I got so high,

you wanna get really high. And then you go, I don't wanna get any more high. You got that, and then it goes, you get even more high. So that's what happened. I was like, oh no, my friends with me, we're kind of walking through Best Buy, and then I go into the, you know what I have? Like Best Buy, and then you go in there, and there's like, oh no, my friends with me, we're kind of walking through Best Buy. And then I go into the, you know what I have?

They're best buy and you go in there and there's like an Apple store. Like, you know what I have an Apple store in the middle of Best Buy? I didn't. No. Insane. They make, do you know about it?

Oh yeah. Yeah, in the middle of a, you'll notice it now, they make a full Apple store. Okay. All the, with all the products on the display. These act same, everything, display, everything. So I'm really high and I'm just in the Apple store. Okay. All the products on the display. He's exact same, everything, display, everything. So I'm really high, and I'm just in the Apple store area, and I'm so high, I forget I ever was in Best Buy.

Now I'm sure I'm in Apple store. I take two steps to my left, and my head exploded. I was in a Best Buy, and I was like, what was this happening? Wait a minute. I've been a best spot. I was like, what was this happening? Wait a minute. I've been a new dimension. I couldn't understand. You're a vacuum cleaner section. Yeah. What is it? Yeah. Anyway, that's my best by chunk of my stand-up style. So you do tips, good.

Yeah, dude. I tip. I don't go, I don't go top. I go middle, though. I think I'll give you the option of 20, 25, 30. Okay. I don't go top I go middle though and they go give you the ice cream 20 25 30. Okay, I don't know 30. I'm not a you know if you went to a family wedding like one of the younger generation was getting married. What kind of cash are you putting in the envelope? I got nieces. Okay. I give all my nieces and I've used a hundred bucks for the birthdays. Okay. It's not good cash hundred bucks I gotta pay taxes. I'm really giving them 140 No, it's not those per you know what that's cost to be on a back end It's 145 actually with L.A. I'm paying 50% taxes. Yeah taxes really like I'm in the right in the area where they they screw the most

They get you like if you're really poor you actually don't pay much taxes or if you're really rich you can get away I'm the mill that's queesia God damn me squeeze you in a wedding my knees gets wedding You're taking a date to that you want a date so you got to cover her The odds of me take it there. Oh, okay, okay, I'm sorry very strange person today Okay, okay, I'm sorry very strange person today Another but You mean women are lining up to sit on your floor and eat day camp

On your upside down call for table. What are we doing here? Yeah guys they come to the safe space Five thousand dollars maybe what up what I it's like a for wedding. Yeah, five green a thousand I actually know what you're supposed to get we're supposed to get I would give you a supposed to get maybe a little extra What have you give? I'm he given what have I give? For like a family like no one I know that this is the first time like a niece got married. Okay, for like a family, like no one I know, this is the first time I got niece got married. Okay. So I would know.

But that's it. But that's it. But that's it. That's it. That's crazy. A thousand, what's normal? A thousand's a lot. Yeah.

500 is even on the high end. Okay, 500. Okay. Is there a wedding coming up where this is about to happen? No. But when you're saying, well, one of them get married, you're thinking between a grand and five grand to give down. Well, not now. I thought he just saved, he just saved 45. Oh, really? This is gonna be my God's for me. I should have been like, that's it.

I would have asked beforehand, I was normal. And then I would have, I think the rule of thumb is you try to cover what the cost of you and your data's. Which is you got cash we talking about day trade. I'm just giving. I'm just giving a lot of day. I don't do a lot of day time long term. He's in it long. Warren Buffett.

A grand would be all right. That's crazy. That's a big gift as a grand. Five grand made you were all over the place. How much cash you got on you right now? Oh, cash cash? Yeah, like the actual scratch. That's what you got on you.

Yeah, not like in that liquid assets. Like what do you have? You went into my liquid assets? No. I got a baggy of five grand of my apartment. Don't tell people that. They don't know where I live. You gave out your address. Listen, it's this because I do stand up,

but I put it on the cash in a baggie. We're gonna have to believe that. Come on, they don't know where I live. Listen. You literally gave the intersection. We gotta go every break in every apartment. Somebody we wait with a second, nickels to take out. Yeah, I'm ready.

I gotta fuck it. I got weapons. The baggie, it's trying to get my fucking baggie. The baggie is the best no it's not a flashlight it is a flashlight, but it's the flashlight No, but yeah, blind year it should blind your head You better get attacked by the slowest mug of all time You have this too You better get attacked by the slowest smuggler of all time. You have this too If you want to come to my you want to come mess with me that's good. No, we don't we don't everything's all right I take my apples

I gotta go I think I said too much. You're fucking perfect. You're perfect. Are you wearing Cologne? No. Although my deodorant, some people think I'm wearing Cologne sometimes. It's my deodorant. What do you like to use? I go old spice. Gentlemen.

Very nice. Deodorant and pepper powder deodorant. Honestly, I don't know. I don't know. Okay. I try to get this stuff. I think old spice doesn't have the aluminum. Who knows what the fuck I have here, but they don't have aluminum ones. Okay. I try to get the stuff, I think, Ultipus doesn't have the aluminum, who knows what the fuck I have here,

but they don't have aluminum ones. Okay. You own any binoculars? I do, but they were a gift for my dad. Okay. And then like, I don't know if you know he died. You've mentioned it? I did, I did.

So I just took those, but I don't use them, I mean. Okay. But now the imagine that Good idea. Yeah, they're in the can out California. They're in a box. I got a ship all that. Do you cross your sevens? No, no, no, no, that is very was that a fancy thing to do or trash? That's a fancy. Yeah, fancy Do you have the same questions everybody? There's a lot more flip-fl's so true. Yeah. Pull from a pull of a couple hundred problems. This is a good idea for a podcast.

I got to think of an idea like this. Thanks buddy. Yeah. When you come on up on a handgun. What happened? Whatever. All right. Thanks, I ain't scared.

Uh huh. Are you a boozer? No. No. I do like the feeling of being drunk, but I get sick pretty quick. It's like a bad Okay, I feel bad and I also break out in Rache, so you don't drink at all. No, I I like a little like glass of wine with my Italian the pasta basil or my

Agola or you know the but Paparula, but I Don't drink somebody's on a date, you know, you wanna just drink a little bit to loosen up. But not really much more. Are you doing much dating? Yeah, I've been trying to do that a lot more.

In the city? And it's going good. I'm actually trying to talk to people in public. They never asked to grow out that I didn't know. Okay. One time I did, which was a disaster. But I think that's a good, better way to meet than an app.

It's like chat, but it's so uncomfortable to chat someone up. Sure. But it's kind of fun. So you just walked up to some girl, you didn't know, how are you, Kyle? I did do that, but like the other day, I was like in line at the bathroom

and those were waiting. And it was both gender, whatever, whatever was in your pants, you can all use the same bathroom. Does that restaurant? Yeah, as I take out your dick and balls, you're vagina, every room is fine for you. And so I'm like, hey, this isn't,

I just started chatting about my head. This isn't good for guys. You know, you women are in there all the, the full fucking time. Sure, and damn. Yeah, I just said it like much more charming. I was like, what do you think? And boy, she liked me a lot, but she showed it by leaving

and not talking to me much. But. I'm hard to get. I'm working up and I'm baby stepping, trying to talk to people. But I have to do the apps. You do the apps. Now, you take a lady out to dinner.

Are you paying? Oh, yeah. Nice. I pay, yeah, I always pay. Okay. And it's funny, because sometimes I expect someone to thank me, but sometimes I don't thank you. And that's really weird.

That would bother me, too. I had a girl once. I was like, yeah, what is your place? Actually, I want to try this place down the street from my house. It was the most expensive restaurant in Los Angeles. I think it was called the Expensives. And she was like, this, this,

or we sat there for almost two hours. In hour one in, I go, oh, she's asked me zero questions about me. Zero. To the point where she goes, I love Portland. And I go, I was in Portland last weekend, waiting for it to go, where'd you go? What'd you do?

Anything. Nothing. I would lay up these things and have awkward silence that you just told me, me again. Anyway, that was $400. I take cake in the day. But yeah, dating is expensive for sure here in New York City. Let's go into the bathroom.

Your bathroom at your house. Are you peeing in the shower? No, every now and then emergency wise, but it's not like a regular thing. No, but I have to be in there. No. That sounds insane. That sounds insane. You just had a taser out on the. I draw the line at a and a tub, sir. What are you sleeping in? Boxers. Boxer, you're a boxer, man. Yeah, yeah.

Sleep with your socks on. At the start, and then I wake up and they're gone. Like a magic fairy took them off. I never remember taking them off, but they're always off. Oh my God. So, Jury's out on what's doing that. How many pillows are you using when you sleep? One on the head, one between the knees,

because my knees are very not being in it first. Nice. I like that. So you sleep on your side. I mostly side. You're not hugging, are you hugging one? I'm a lot of sad. Most nights.

Every now and then I do come up top, like a lady, I'll grab her like a lady. Yeah. Keep a fan on you while you're sleeping. Yeah, well, this place. There's no AC in the bedroom. It's in the main room It's a small place so the main room it does get in there with a little fan. It's fun Yeah, that's our window in the bedroom. Yeah. Yeah It's it's good. No AC What do you think kids cool in there? I mean

What do you think, kids? It's cool in there. I mean, can you play acoustic guitar? I play a lot of instruments actually, yes. I very much play music a lot and write songs. Okay, yes. A piano? Piano maze, my main thing. What age did you start?

Like 12, we had a piano basement, but half the keys were broken. So it was good because I would bang on it, you know, just for hours. I just peed myself. But my parents, but it was good to learn, because I had to like, in my head, imagine what the notes were,

so now I can write more, and I can, like, can you read music? I can't read music, but I can hear it and play, like I could figure out songs that way. No shit. You know, Billy Joel, a lot of like, how I'd learn. Okay. I wanted to learn that song, so I could figure out songs that way. And I wrote, you know, Billy Joel, a lot of like how I'd learned. I wanted to learn that song, so I'd figure the song out. Sure.

That's pretty classy. I'll give you that. Very, would you ever play acoustic guitar at a party? Like if there was, if you were to like a house party in LA, would you like grab the guitar? I'd have done that, but, but, but, but, but, but. Like, there's a good joke stuff. I was like, hey, I have this song about, you know, we're up.

You're doing a goof. Yeah. All right, I respect you. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Donigan. All right, give it to me. I feel good.

I feel you did pretty well. Is that right? Good? 100% class, my friend. Yeah. No. No, yeah, you're trash, bitch. Is that right? Good? 100% class, my friend. Yeah.

No, yeah, you're trash, man. All right, well, give me a little more detail. Why is that? I can't get that plane we have. If you want to see it, should we go over something? Well, I mean, what is really tipping? Whether the top three things were here, this is trash. The taser wasn't great.

Taser? That was an error to bring that out. Sure. That's it. In hindsight. That's fair. The eating on the floor isn't classy. But what about the couch?

It's a forest. I give you that. Do I get a rebuttal or is it just the other side? Of course. I feel like that the taser, yes, I'm giving you that. Thank you. I pulled out a weapon and I used it?

You brandish a weapon on a comedy pie. And I fired it without you telling you. What about when you fly? Will you bring food on the airplane? I use you buy food there from got some leftovers I might put in, but I don't pack a plane lunch. No, that'd be crazy. Will you put your seat back on a plane. The seat back?

Yeah, well, you put the seat back so you can lay down, you know, sit back. Oh, yeah, yeah, you do that. Who doesn't? Some people. You take your shoes off on the plane? Yeah, long flight. Okay. I have a really bad foot though. And New York is killing me. I'm trying to ignore that I need surgery. I just keep walking on it. What's wrong with the foot? Everything. My father, my father, who never complained, he died. Yes. Oh my God. He never complained. He would say to me, take care of your feet. I was like, what the

fight is that, but he had so much foot pain. He wouldn't complain, but he would tell me because he could see my fears. I went to a foot doctor, she goes, your feet, and then she kind of had no words like that, and then she goes, you have no fat on the bottom of your feet. She doesn't wander your own pain. You have no fat, and then you have a bone spur on the heel, a arch collapse, and you have arthritis and a hammer toe, and I still know how you can walk. But a hammer toe and I don't know how you can walk but through the power of Christ Little prayer so anyway, I found a new way to walk No, I got I got also

Back here we can get it You know, I normally walk it on the but where but now in New York, I go walk so far. I'm back here, okay centered here It's very awkward, but I go back. That looks normal dude. I think people go to stuff. It looks like you're walking up down a hill. And I go, I just pull it, but I can walk my, I can walk off further. Did they play the pink Panther music as you walk it back? I keep, I keep, I keep, I keep I think you're striking out on the apps big guy

I'm scared hey hey hey I never thought you never thought that was weird I never thought the pink panther crystallized what I'm doing hey where you ladies go and slow down I got a hammer toe

and a tazer it looks like you're walking the wrong way on a moving sidewalk like you can walking the wrong way on a moving sidewalk. Like you got stuck on an escalator? Yeah. I'm glad my chronic pain is a source of laughter. How the hammered those graves? Alright, so things like that, yeah, I would tilt this in that direction. this in that direction. Um, why are we pleading arcades then? He's some of the lawyers. He turned the ran on us.

He turned this whole court system upside down. That's not, that's not admissible. Man, the Billy Joel thing, obviously. Yeah, I forgot about that. You're rushing the stage and told him you had AIDS. I didn't tell my dad's. I had not even had any. But that't tell my dad's. I had my head on it. He had me. But that was, I mean, 18 year old kid,

was a kid like Billy Joel. You know, needed some attention. All right, I'll take it. Okay. Are most people garbage? Yeah. Yeah, most everybody. Okay, so it's not like we had no garbage guy in two years.

No, we weren't looking for you to shoot. We need this for ratings or otherwise it's not gonna work. I guess make no sense. Sway me, Brian! One of the funniest, man. Oh man. Coyote Don again. Yeah, such a good time.

Absolutely fucking hysterical, buddy. Hey, thank you for having me. Had nothing to do today. Thank you guys. Nice meeting you guys. You guys are fun. You had Best Buy. You had Best Buy?

I did. Did you get the right one, by the way? Yeah. It was only $150 for the charger for my laptop. Okay. That's crazy. You have an Apple laptop. Yeah.

It's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. It's not gonna pull you out of this, but it's still pretty sweet. It's on the, it's on the like not, you know, trashy size. No, not at all. I don't feel like you, I don't know. I don't think we measured everything and weighed it.

I think we got enough. I think we really, we get a lot of data it. I think we got to know. I think we really, we get a lot of data points. You cherry picked a little bit. You all for the story. I grew up in Connecticut. That was brushed over like no big deal. Oh, David, dear.

But you said it was the poor part. Yeah. Hey, man, a lot of people turn their back on their upbringing, man. It's like the poor part of Malibu. It's a the poor part of Malibu. It's a- It's a- Which stinks I hear. Ah, Alan.

Is there anything you think that we don't know that would make you classy? That you haven't told us? What do you feel nice about? You're like, hey, you can hang your hat on like, hey, I really do this, I do that. Do you own a suit? Do you know how to tie a tie?

How many pairs of dress shoes do you own? Are they orthopedic? What kind of credit cards are you have a throwin' around? You got an Amix card? Yeah, gold. Gold Amix? Yeah, that's pretty good. That's all right.

Yeah, anything, PEN? It's really good. Who'd you steal left from? Do you have a Discover card? No. Okay, all right, that's good. God, is there anything... I drive a really, like a really classic car.

What do you got? Tesla. Okay. And it's class. Yeah, but you own stock in it. You're just trying to juice the numbers. Well, it's a, you know, if you don't have that out here, right, that's how it's being shipped right now.

You get to see it. You get to see it as it's being shipped because the camera, you can. You're having the car shipped from California now that's pretty classy What that cost you I don't give them that Like 1500 all right. It was like a wedding gift price Wait, what you guys said a wedding you should give a thousand that's true. Yeah, it's callbacks Yeah, I thought that somebody gave that he's a wedding gift. I'm like you know

True. Yeah, it's callbacks. Yeah, I thought that somebody gave it to you the wedding gift I'm like, you're not married. Yeah, you can't. I thought you just lied and said I got Matt, you're looking for a deal. You could see the camera as you could see what's going on. So I was just traveling. Sometimes it's like parked. Yes, he's parked there. Holy Yoda. Wait, hold on. Is that one driving it? Yeah, they got it. They're going to put it on a one of these cars or some. Well, that's pretty crazy. You can access that when you're not Dude, the Teslas are amazing. So the car is on right now. Yeah, you get access. You get out of battery?

No, it's not on like no, it's not for any battery. It's kind of the lights on. Yeah, it's like you could lock the doors open the window. You can do stuff from the app of the thing. So you could freak out the guy that's driving that. Yes, just turn it off. Yeah, you can honk the horns. Bam, bam, bam. I'm gonna honk the horn right now Let's honk the horn

People I and this is not me trying to pump the stock But like people Shippup dumps people should buy Tesla the aYG bump and then done again fucking makes up to the car be with all this guys on a private plane Well, you know there's a lot of misinformation about electric vehicles, because there's a lot of money trying to squelch it. And so I feel like talking about it, because they're so awesome.

They equate going to the gas. You're trying to take down big oil? This episode's brought to you by Exxon this week. No, I know, maybe I shouldn't talk about it. But I mean, you never, people think they equate going to the gas station as charging station, but you never go to the charging station. You charge it at your house. Like would you ever buy a phone way to go out and fill it up?

Sure. Like you never, it's always fully charged. You just, you get to charge it at the house. Yeah. That's a couple two tree bucks. It's two or three bucks, but you can even even live in a condo. You can plug into a regular outlet.

It'll still charge. Okay. you know. Can we ask what the house is on the market for, ballpark? What, 1.9 million? Okay. We'll see how we get it. We'll see if we get it. I mean, it's the market's like crashing right now.

Sure. Where do you go on vacations now? I don't vacations. You don't vacation at all. My life is like a vacation. There's a travel we do stand up. Right. You never go anywhere for a couple of days down the island, something like that.

We're like, I don't, if I had a girlfriend, I would probably do something like that. But like going alone, just being on the beach, just like, hey, do you hear about these bathrooms? They suck for guys. Hey, they don't take my bathroom. You want to see me hug the the horn on a Tesla 2000 miles away Real panty dropper here, but peanut butter on an apple

Oh, man, we love you I think we can hang out anything you want the folks are done and oh you hit him hey Kyle Dunning and calm I got a fault twerk coming up. I got a plug Kyle Dunning and comedy.com writers are called Dunning and I got Kyle got a plug. Kyle Dunning and comedy.com, right? There's a cloud Dunning and I got Kyle Dunning and come Kyle Dunning and back. Okay. Do Kyle Dunning or Kyle Dunning. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to YouTube page. Yeah. Yeah. One of the funniest. One of the funny Instagram pages.

I forget about everybody loves. Thanks guys. Thank you. We can't thank you enough. Kippy. What do you got for him? We're all over the road. We just added a second show at the Fillmore in Philadelphia Goddamn tickets gang. Let's do it twice. We love you. Thanks for the support scoop them up gang We love you and we'll see you next week. Peace