Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Kyle Kinane: Midwest Garbage

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

Kippy and Foley sit down with some real MidWest garbage - stand up comedian Kyle Kinane. Kyle talks drinking, fast food, Pizza Hut, and growing up in the suburbs of Chicago. You know Kyle from Comedy Central, Netflix, Conan, and so much more. Originally Aired on www.GasdigitalNetwork.com on September 4th, 2020 Sign up for Gas Digital: www.GasdigitalNetwork.com - Promo code: AYG Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey gang, it's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kippy. Just want to thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage. Yeah guys, make sure you subscribe. That way you get the episode as they come out and you can also go to gasdigitalnetwork.com, use promo code AYG to get bonus content and get the episodes before they come out and HD streaming. Do it.

Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Oh baby, here we go. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's

favorite new podcast. This is R U Garbage. The show where you sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up classy or if they're absolute trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful, absolutely beautiful day here. New York City, the East Village, Manhattan,

Alive and Well, Gas Digital Studios in the fucking big room for the big guest. My co-host is coming at you right fucking next to me, sipping on a pole in spring. Ladies and gentlemen, don't forget, the next time you're reaching for a best pal, you make it a kippy. This guy tastes great and he's less filling.

Give it the fuck up for Kevin James Ryan. Hey, what's up everybody? Thanks for tuning in. Real quick, a little bit of business. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Also full video available on YouTube. You can subscribe there as well.

And also to get the full catalog of all of our shows as well as every show on the network, you can sign up for gasdigitalnetwork.com. Use promo code AYG. You save a couple of bucks every month. We get to wet our beaks. It's a fucking win-win. So do it.

And gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today. Thea Satellite Gas Digital Technology 7-8G. I don't know what we got, but we got him. We could not be more excited. He is an incredibly successful stand-up comedian, actor, and voice actor. You've seen him in funny people,

workaholics, aqua teen, hunger force, Bobsburgers, Comedy Bang Bang, the Lucas Brothers Moving Company, Adventure Time, Love, Teachers, Those Who Can't, Paradise PD. He has his own Comedy Central Presents. You've seen him on the Tonight Show. This is not happening.

Not safe with Nikki Glaser, drunk history, Carson Daly, hot ones, four appearances on fucking Conan. His specials include Loosen Chicago, I Like His Old Stuff, and Whiskey Icarus. I don't know if he's garbage or not, but I know he's got a little bit of fucking cash on him. I'll tell you that right now from that rap scene. Give it the fuck up for the one, the only,

Mr. Kyle Kenane, everybody. Yeah. Wow, wow, you don't, you don't know how much day rates are going on in here. Yeah. This guy was in a honey wagon for a hundred bucks a day. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, this guy did a lot of non-union animation work. $80. Kyle, thank you so much for doing the show, man. Good to see you. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Thanks for having me, man. What's going on, fellas?

Not much, man. We're chilling. Yeah. So what we're going to do is we want to hear a little bit about your past, how you grew up, and then we'll launch into some questions. You're a Midwestern guy, right? You're Illinois.

Yeah, I grew up. I mean, I don't know if it's like a game at the end where we find out if I'm garbage or not, but probably the back story is going to give it away real quick. That's what we like. I grew up in a town called Addison, Illinois. It's about 20 miles outside of Chicago. And I was like, let's see, from the start, I don't know.

I was just like a shy kid. And then I thought then somebody laughed at a joke in high school. I'm like, oh, being funny is how you get attention. And then that just made me an asshole because you look back at how often you thought you were being funny. Oh, yeah. And the percentage of you being funny versus the percentage

of you just being real obnoxious and louder than anybody else was real obnoxious. I was like, I was just a real loud jerk for a long time. Yeah, trying too hard, man. Everybody, everybody experienced that in junior high. Trying way too hard. I'm so desperate. I'm so desperate.

Just look at me. Look at me, please, please. What about brothers and sisters? Did you grow up in a big family, small family? Small family. Mom and dad are still kicking, still married. And I had one sister. She lives down in LA now.

And she's close in age, and we were pals. So her group of friend and my group of friend, we were all one big crew going together. And yeah, as you're talking about knowing the men's ingers and everything, it started going to see all ages, punk rock shows in the suburbs. And that was my every weekend, once I turned 16, was just going to see bands.

And yeah, trying to be in bands and just some old footage of somebody just sent me back in the day where I clearly had this Mike Ness fascination and had hair to have a Mike Ness fascination. So I had to try to pull up this whole social distortion, bad boy rockabilly vibe, which is tough when you live with your parents until you're 26 years old. I don't need anybody except my mom and dad.

Yeah, you're just singing prison bound from your car, like, oh, man, I'm from the mean streets of, ah, shit, my mom's making pot roast tonight. I got to get home on time. Cancel band practice. So you were in a band growing up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, nothing of note was called the Grand Marquis

if you did some real. OK, here's the first. That's a pretty good name. That's a not bad name. That's pretty good. The Grand Marquis. That's what we thought, because me and the singer and other guitar players, we both drove our parents

Grand Marquis. Now, we thought it was a cool name, but we wanted to the on the name. So we're going to be called the Grand Marquis, but we wanted it to be plural. But we didn't know how to pluralize Marquis. That's a French name. It's French word that ends in S. And so like everybody's like,

so you're the Grand Marquis. We're like, that's the Grand Marquis. How do you spell that? We're not real sure. So we never made much. We didn't know how we were going to spell the name. So we never even got around to making T-shirts or anything. Grand Marquisies.

Check them out this week. What is the Grand Marquis? Is that the wagon? No. No, it's a big boat. Big Mercury boat. I think it's the Ford. Ford LTD was the Ford.

Oh, OK. Holy shit. I remember one of those doors would kill you. Is that fuck those doors were huge on those cars? That was a pinky stirrer. Just hooked the pinky in the power steering. It was light blue as my grandparents. So it was a hand-me-down whip.

And just I remember like that was the one car that had enough room to have the halfway reasonable sex in. You know, like when you're like in a Ford S-court or something and you're crammed. A Tercel or something. You know, six-ships going up your asshole or something. But this thing was like, there's a hotel room smaller than this. Yeah.

You know, let's just, let me get this car. It has beautiful plush seats. It was a beautiful ride, I'll tell you. Trying to get laid in a fucking Datsun when I was a kid. Fucking good luck with that. Yeah. I had a Chevy Lumina, same thing. It was a big fucking, because you could put 15 people in that bag

and have an orgy if you wanted to. It was a big fucking boat. Oh, Chevy Lumina, they promoted that one heavy after the movie Days of Thunder came out. Once again, am I garbage? Yes, we have a lot of deep cuts on Days of Thunder. Deep cuts on Days of Thunder, I love it. Cole Trickle, shout out to fucking Tom Cruise.

Cole Trickle fucking knew how to fucking drive a fucking car, I'll tell you that. You know what's trashy too is that, you know, the one guy that's in that became a senator, the guy that played the guy that owned NASCAR or ran NASCAR. I can't think of his name, but he went on to become a senator. I don't know. You know what I'm talking about?

He was also the bad guy in Fletch. Yes. Am I right? Yep. That's exactly. The bad guy on Fletch and then he wanted to show up on like Law & Order or something later on. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Yeah. That's funny. I can't pull it. That's a great one. Right off with a fucking Days of Thunder fucking reference. Yeah. I love it, man. Get into it.

Yeah, let's get into it. Let's get into some fucking RU garbage questions. Talk about growing up at the fucking Canaan House. So small town in Illinois right near Chicago. So basically the suburbs of Chicago, correct? The most suburb you can get the most suburban like like it was, you know, you had the McDonald's and the Burger King across the street from each other.

And he's like, you divided families by choosing one or the other. There was never a stray. There was never a stray of like, let's get Burger King today instead of McDonald's. You'd have to sleep in a yard if you said something. What were you? Were you in McDonald's family?

Yeah. What was your family? I was at McDonald's at McDonald's because we'd go there and then somebody took me to Burger King once. I'm like, look at this place. I know. The Burger King. I like Burger King better.

We had a Taco Bell that was across. I miss the old Taco Bells that were shaped like churches. Yeah, they were great. And the old pizza huts. The pizza huts, yeah, had the flat roof. The big roof. The Taco Bells were like little glaciers. Yes, yeah.

We had a Long John Silver's across the street when it still had the, like you had to walk up the dock to get in the Long John Silver's. And I'd always make the joke, like you'd walk out of Long John Silver's like you just got into port somewhere and you'd see the Taco Bell. Oh, deep into the, somewhere in South America, apparently. I don't remember going through the canal, apparently.

Yeah, I was like, white trash, Epcot Center down there. Your dad's drunk at the whole thing. I'll tell you, man, fucking Long John Silver is the most trashiest of all fast food. And that was my favorite, our favorite growing up. Wow. Wow, I'm going to, I'm going to, you're going to skip over white castle or crystals

and go right to Long John Silver's. You're going to take down. I don't even know crystals. I don't know. Crystals is just the same, like, you know, what is it, Hardee's and Carl's Jr. Gotcha, gotcha. Okay, there you are.

You're right. Crystals and white cast are more or less the same thing. Or somebody's going to get pissed off because people get real defensive about their garbage food. Oh, yes. We found out. Yeah. What?

White castle, they're a little sly. Well, you know what white castle is. These are East Coast. I had them on Sunday. You get, you get the crave case. You get the cardboard suitcase full of, full of sliders. What's all the questions here? I thought we were interviewing you.

But he looked like he was, he was going away for the month. We got to fit two suitcases walking out of fucking white castle. Yeah, we got the crave. Hand up to your wrist. He's like, he's carrying jewels. Like it's a nuclear phone. That's fucking great. Yeah, we got to get back.

It's a nuclear football, but if you get the chicken rings, you slide them into the burgers. Oh yeah, man, I know all about it. I know the moves. No, that is fucking garbage. Anything open 24 hours becomes your new favorite fast food. Yeah. The white castles here, though, because there's not that many.

There's not. There's not that many left, so it's like, they look wet. They look like old war vets. They're like, this, you know, they're all grizzled. And there's like tumbleweeds of fucking trash blowing through. It's they're tough to see now. But it's like what you're saying, I like the fact that they kind of like retain their identity from the 80s.

Like I hate like what you're saying. Yeah, I like the Taco Bell, the way that look in the pizza huts and like the Wendy's and all the stuff back in the 80s. Those places were fucking awesome. Dude, pizza hut. Do you remember when pizza hut had the salad bar inside? Oh, honey, come on. The oiliest ass torpedoes you could possibly reach for.

I loved them. And again, my mom would yell at me, because we go to pizza hut. I'm like, I want a sandwich. What's wrong with you? We're at pizza hut. We're at pizza hut. I can't have the things on the menu.

They want me to have it. That's pretty garbage. Ordering a sandwich at pizza hut is another level of garbage. I remember having waiters at pizza hut. Do you guys remember that? Yes. I remember this guy hitting me with the specials. I'm like, buddy, make it a stuff crust and keep it fucking

moving. Those old red cops, man. Remember those old red? They could fit a gallon of Coca-Cola in those things, dude. They were so big. A gallon of Coke, you could drop it out of a helicopter and be fine. That was the first place.

I'm going to go to the White Capsules. Do you remember the White Capsules? First off, it's steamed burgers. That's how they cook it. It's steamed meat, which is a bit off-putting if you really want to think about it. Everybody working, there's just teenagers with the most open pores you've ever seen.

It's a constant spa facial they're getting of hamburger grease. The whole place was white tile inside, so they can hose it off. Oh, they did it right. Oh, yeah. It was like there was no, it was just a white room with a drain in the middle, so they just braided all down.

Oh, yes, disgusting. Holy shit. All right, let's go. Let's start. What was the name of the street that you grew up on? I grew up on a corner of Michigan and Diversey, which those are the same names. It's not the same as the streets that

are in Chicago proper. Gotcha. You go a couple of suburbs, and they just nick the names. They just show us, yeah. Well, that's pretty class. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. I looked it up because somebody told me I made the most notable.

One of the, like, on the Wikipedia page for my hometown, I'm a notable resident. Yeah. And other people from Addison are notable. The people that share this list with, Leon Sphinx at some point, well into his retirement. That was a couple of weeks ago. But I think he fell in hard times and wound up.

It's not like he bought, like, a 50-acre estate. No, no. There's no, like, oh, the old Sphinx place up on the hill. It was the Long John Silver's. That's where he lived. It was the old Long John Silver's he moved into. And apparently the woman who helped co-create the Beanie babies.

Oh, so she's probably got a little bit of cash. I think it, if something says it went south, I think I actually looked into it because I'm like, that's interesting. And I think she got sued out of the Beanie baby industry. So something dark happened to that Beanie baby. Everybody thought that those were going to be worth their weight in gold.

Fucking, that was the treasure. Did your family collect them or anything like that? Were you a Beanie baby family? No, but no, we didn't have any of that weird trash collector. Yeah, it's always a bad luck. Like some are like, God forbid you say, like, I'm into, like, I like platypuses. That's a cute animal.

And then everybody just gets you that gift for the rest of your life. For two decades, yeah. And it's full of platypie. And you're like, I can't say no now. I can't say no to that. This is my identity. We had, for some reason, my mom collected crystal shoes.

They were like porcelain crystal shoes. Like just one shoe. And they were tiny. Oh, she still has them on display in my fucking living room. That's real trash. Garbage. I remember like the weird like glass, like blowing glass birds and shit.

You could tell it was like the practice stuff that the bong makers were putting out to the entertainment mall. Yeah. So like, yeah, I don't fault anybody for the Beanie babies thing because like, there's a stock market. And it's the same thing, but it's coked out bros doing the same shit, buying a bunch of stuff hoping it's going to be worth more later on.

I'm not judging on that point. But that, OK, more background. First job, 16 years old. Well, I got fired from 31 flavors after two days. Because I didn't know how to stop the soft serve. So I just kept going. And I was still in like, canine, what did I tell you? I had to have soft serve cones for like $79.00, $80.00

of ice cream I was doing away. I don't know if the machine wanted to shut off. Oh, God. Yeah, that was the mark over at 31 flavors like canines were. Everybody was calling. Yeah. Over the wall. Over the wall.

You could get more than you wanted for it. That's a fucked up thing to get fired from, man. That's bullshit. How about a learning curve, train the kid? It was like a second cousin of my mom's who was doing me a favor. And I don't think they needed me as an employee. She was like a gamble like, maybe this is like a good rookie bet on this kid.

And I was like, be real, total bomb. And I got two days. I'm like, am I on the schedule this week? Like, no, we couldn't fit you in. And I've still called for like five weeks. Not picking up my hand. Still trying to get the employee discount. Yeah, I worked at a Kmart.

I worked at a Kmart in the same mall that had the glass blowers, sorry, the lawmakers. It was one of the malls that had a, do you remember like independently owned Spencer's GIFs type places where it's just a store full of crap and horny stuff? Novelties and shit. Some weird guy working there. Yeah.

It was like D&D games. And then like pretty much porno posters. Yeah, greeting cards and stuff. Yeah. And just seeing a 12 year old just standing in front of those posters with his hand in his pants. Like, how many times a day did we check out his kid beating off? Checking off.

And we had, yeah, it had like a, what was the, it had like a dress barn and shit, which is so insulting. I gotta tell you, this is a real trashy fucking mall. That's a real trashy body describing. I've never been to a mall that had a Kmart in it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. At least a JC Penney's something. JC Penney's was the other bookend.

It was the win. That's if you had money, you went to JC Penney's. Yeah, I didn't have, I didn't have the kind of clout to get the job at JC Penney's and it had a little Caesars in it. And so this is literal garbage. My job at the end of the night was to take the trash out from the little Caesars. And if they had, if they made pizzas that didn't sell,

they couldn't get them away. Oh, it's profit loss or whatever. So I would make a full pizzas. My buddy worked at the little Caesars and I would put them on the cart and then just put the trash on top of the pizzas. Oh my God. And then throw the trash out and then take the free pizzas and put them in my car.

Jesus Christ, dude. And then it was in my car. So I thought it was a slice. That's crazy. I thought I was crushing it, man. They had like the humane rat traps, which were just the glue pads. Yeah.

I didn't know how to humane because like a mice will just get stuck in there a lot of it. And it was my job to toss those in the big dumpster. And one day I couldn't take it. So like I got a broomstick and I was trying to pry one of the mice off of the glue trap. But all I did, I just like, it just became a bald mouse because I kept rolling.

What the fuck? That's torture, man. I know, I got too far into it where I'm like, I should just kill this thing at this point. But then it was kind of off of it. I got it off and the bald mouse took off into the stock room. Gave it a piece of little scissors. Cananes all hopped up on little scissors.

It's not thinking straight. One of my band buddies worked at, there's a different ice, like there's another 31 flavors in that mall. And he was called, we always called him slow John because he's real dumb as shit. And my mom actually started calling him. That was my mom's nickname for him. Like we're slow John.

That's the worst when the mom start using the nicknames. That's bad. We were nicknamed out. And then he's like, man, Kyle's mom's mean. She keeps calling me like Johnny's slow or something. Like you can't even get your own nickname about being dumb. And he would openly rip whippets with customers waiting to get ice cream.

Like dude, I'm up in the cash register. And he'd be like, hold on. Go on. All the counters for like 30 cents. He's got the wall walls. He's doing it that much Sunday. He just peed in the sink in the back because you'd have to like leave at the station, use the bathrooms.

He just kept peeing in the sink in the back of the ice cream. Holy shit. That's real garbage. I've peed in the sink at my house before. If my girlfriend's in the bathroom and I really got to go. That's trash. I'll lean up to the kitchen sink and sneak one in there. I get that.

That's your home and you're cleaning it. This is a food-serving estate. This is a place at the health department, theoretically, checks out the kitchen. Theoretically, on paper, they're supposed to be there. And you know what I'll say too? I don't know about Little Caesars now, but back in the day, Little Caesars was legit fucking good.

They made awesome pizza. OK, let's talk about the hierarchy of fast food. Welcome to the show, buddy. That was an awkward pause right there. I was like, well, no, let's open up this dialogue. Of course. Where are we at? This one, I just had the other day.

Papa Murphy's, I don't know if you know about this. I don't know that. It's Taken Bake. It sounds like a gyp. It's a way to go. It's a future. I think Papa Murphy's, it's a Taken Bake. They just kind of assemble it and then you take it home

and you cook it. And it's like a shop, like Papa, it's like that's a place you go and get that pizza, then you take it home and cook it? It's a chain. Yeah, it's a chain of pizza places called Papa Murphy's, but they're all uncooked. So you take it, you make it at home. It's more or less, I don't know how they exist.

I think they got in a fight with a contract or something where they couldn't get the oven put in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like some unioners go, oh, you want to open pizza in this place? You got to join the union. You're like, fuck you guys. We're going to sell one cook.

We don't need your fucking oven. Yeah. And then that's how they got out. That's pretty classy, though. That is classy. That's better than like takeout pizza, because you're doing it yourself. It's a little bit of effort.

You know what I mean? It's nice. Because I'm a big DiGiorno guy. Do you like DiGiorno? Sure, sure. Yeah. You church it up. Why?

You put you you add on? Yeah, man. What do you? Oh, that's garbage. You're going to get in. What do you add on to it? That's trash, dude. Oh, that's trash.

If you're adding toppings to an already frozen pizza, that's trash. What are the add-ons? You two are going to sit here and tell me that you're just just so happy to pay an extra two bucks for nine black olives. When you could have a goddamn jar in your cabinet and put as many or as few as you want,

you could have one slice of black olive if you want. Dude, that's trash. I'm sorry. Olives? If you were doing like prosciutto or something, I'd allow it. Main tone making Supremes. What the fuck?

You can do prosciutto. Yeah, but you're doing olives. I'd put a fucking hot dog on there. It's beauty and a bacon, babe. A bacon, bake? That's fucking trash. I tried to shrike. My girlfriend put me one of the calls.

I tried to, I got real high, and I was like, I wanted to put hot dogs and macaroni and cheese, but I didn't think it was going to do that. I wanted something different than just slice them. So I was trying to shred it on a cheese grater. I was trying to shred it hot. And it's hard to tell what a hot dog stops and your thumb starts with a cheese grater.

I'll try that much. Be careful on that. I think you might be the only person in the history of hot dogs to ever cheese grate a hot dog. I'm sorry. Do you have any grated hot dogs to go over the spaghetti? I'm sorry. Do you see parmesan cheese?

No, grated hot dogs would be great. Thank you. It does make sense. I get the texture. I get it. I understand it. I for sure understand it. I don't know if I could ever pull the trigger on it,

I get it. Mac and cheese with hot dogs, they do. For Judo's style of hot dog, yeah. See, so why not have it just with a different texture? Change up. I want to know. You're not changing the flavors. You're changing, working with texture.

Did you do it like short ways or long ways? Did you go for like long curly cues or short little nubs? I was doing it short ways at first, but just kept breaking the hot dog. And these are veggie dogs. I don't even eat meat anymore. So these were veggie dogs. I was cheese grating veggie dogs with mac and cheese.

And come on. A woman that I love, a woman I love, and she's still with me. She sounds like a fucking saint. Yeah, Jesus. That's a keeper right there. See, you do that shit. My girlfriend has seen me make stuff and eat stuff at the apartment that if she attempted to tell anybody,

I'd probably have her killed. Things I would not want anybody knowing. Wow. Man. It's a shame, criminal. All right, so we got to go. Now all the stories are coming out. Yeah, of course, baby.

So we got to Street. What was the name of the grocery store that your mother went to growing up? What was your local spot? Well, we had the two grocery stores were Dominic's or Jewel, which at some point you would get old enough and pluralize Jewel and singularize Dominic. So Dominic's the name Dominic for the past four years.

And Dominic, this is my grocery store. And Jewel, just like a Jewel. But for some reason, whenever you got old, it's like, I got to go to Jewels. Yep. Yeah. Pluralize Jewels, like I got to hit up Dominic. And I don't know why it changed, but we were a Jewel family.

It's because you're garbage. That's a trash move right there, 100%. We were saying that. And somebody, there was a local grocery store where Kevin and I grew up called Gin Arties. And they'd give you the plastic bags to leave. And someone had mentioned this either email to us or whatever. But for most of my life, we called those Gin Artie bags,

even if it wasn't from that store. We called the plastic bags Gin Artie bags. Oh, like tissue paper being Kleenex. Exactly. That's complaining on Gin Arties. Yeah, they knew what they were doing. They had one household of derelicts in Bluebell, Pennsylvania. They had that market cornered.

A bunch of fat idiots talking about plastic bags. What do you got, kids? So growing up, what the house you grew up in? Was it a single-family home or an apartment, a townhouse, a condo? What was it? A single-family home in a very suburban neighborhood like ranch houses and everything. It was blue collar.

My dad worked at O'Hare because of the airline mechanic. My mom was a stay-at-home mom. And yeah, it was kind of blue collar neighborhood, but nothing just normal. Like I said, the most suburban, boring, like I mean, I've made the joke before, but it's this weird stagnation of there's no hardship of like, we live in the country and there's work and there's horses

and things, your pigs, we gotta tend to. And you don't live in the city where it's like, oh man, there's all these different cultures. Cossilist fossil, yeah. I've learned so much from different people's families and where they're from. It was just like, no, I'm going to ride our bikes around. I'm going to find some porn in the woods.

It's always still like, you know, 80s, so it's still like a forest preserve porn era. Right, yeah. You know, you go find an abandoned building, break the windows, sneak in. They, the plate, the town over, there was that old Ovalteam factory. It was an abandoned Ovalteam factory.

That everybody's, that they said the gate, one of the gates to hell was in the basement. Oh yeah. So you sneak into the Ovalteam factory. But it looked like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory before they turned the lights on. It's like smoke stacks in a wrought iron gate. It was terrifying.

I'm sure. And I never, my sister was tougher than me. She snuck in there and we just go by the outside. Yeah. Those suburban fucking tales of like, you know, this house is haunted or like, like you'd walk into the woods and there'd just be like a burned out shell of a house. And you were like, what the fuck happened here?

Like there's not even a driveway. How the fuck did you get back here? Yeah. Yeah. The house in the middle of the woods. And I think it sounded like an old man, but it was like, it was nice when the internet wasn't there to squash mystery.

Shoal on our ass. You just had to hear shit in the eighth grade locker room about how the fire department flooded the basement to the Ovalteam factory. Cause that's where the sixth gate to hell is. Not the seventh. The seventh is over in Lombard. Everybody knows how to do it.

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta go to the sixth one first before we kind of open up the seventh one. And I'm going to believe this kid cause he's wearing an iron maiden t-shirt. You know, his face is, I've got Eddie on it. And I'm like, well, this guy looks like he knows

what he's talking about. Yeah. He's got his head, he's got a good head on his shoulders, this fucking guy. That reminds me, growing up was big for us. Cause we like skated and shit. And like, you know, you're always behind a shopping center or whatever was finding the big long fluorescent light bulbs

like in a dumpster or something and smashed them or hitting each other in the legs with them. Ah man, you got one of those. You felt like an American gladiator with one of those things. So just, yeah, just break, just breaking stuff to hear the sound of it breaking. Yeah.

Cause you're boy destruction. Yeah. Yeah. I honestly think that like, I know that like exactly what you're talking about, but like it's like, yeah, today, you know, not to sound like an old guy as well, but like having that time and that boredom

of the suburban life back then, there was something charming about it. And when you look back on it, so many good things kind of came out of it. Like, you know, good bands or, you know, just like good, the creative process was just good for that. Like just having that endless,

like remember when a summer felt like it was fucking 25 years long and it was just nothing. Dude, I'm 43 and I still will take the whole summer off from doing standup cause I'm like, no, that's summer break. That's hang time. I haven't had a summer break with 18, but I'm like, no, I'm gonna do stuff during the summer. It's the only times like, you can do this whenever you want.

Vacation, whatever you want. You have to wait till summer. But yeah, that was all just skating and biking. And yeah, it did turn into what we're bored. Let's all try and learn instruments together. That was old. I think it was like a Dave Grohl quote or something about like, buy any instrument you find at a garage sale

and figure it out. Like just do that for yourself. That's how it starts. And that's how we all had bands. We weren't good bands, but we all had bands. And then all your friends had bands. So you're gonna, all four of you guys are gonna put on a show in a basement.

It's an excuse to have a party. It's gonna be a good time. Yeah, I did like it. I mean, as ridiculous as it was, it shaped who I became. And so I'm appreciative. Retroactively, I'm appreciative. Sure, sure. I'm appreciative for you.

Yeah, that's why we do this podcast is because of that. Cause looking back on all of that. Now, did you guys have a garage? Did you ask him about the garage? You guys had a garage? That's what I was getting to, yeah. Yeah, separate garage. Nice.

Had two bikes stolen out of it. Had a Haro Master and a Haro Sports stolen out of it. Ooh, that's a Haro. That's clean living. That's a fucking rich kid. You driving a Haro? That's nice. The Haro Sport was bought off the Penny Saver magazines used.

And then because it got stolen, I got a couple of insurance dollars from the homeowner. Like the homeowner's insurance. Yeah. And I saved up and then put that towards a Haro Master that got new, that got stolen. And then I was on, I was riding a GT Pro series used until I saved up and pissed all my money away

when I was 18 on a S&M dirt bike. Ooh, yeah. And then still hanging in the car. That's a deep cut in S&M. That's like, yeah, that's like very, that's specialized. Yeah. I can't believe you. Yeah.

I can't believe your dad let you use the homeowner's insurance policy for your fucking bike. That's crazy. I've never heard that. That's nuts. I know, I was so pissed and they're like, trying to explain deductibles. I'm like, who do you think you're playing?

He's like 13, like what the fuck? You're like, sorry, our deductibles are 400 bucks. The bike's only two. Wow, an S&M, that's something. Dude, my buddy had one. He pulled up, he might as well pulled up in a fucking Cadillac with the S&M. We were like, what the fuck is that?

He was like, you only saw those in magazines or like bike videos, you know, like BMX videos. Yeah, damn. Oh yeah, I had to call special order stuff. I still, that's all I follow on Instagram. I don't follow anything else on social media. It's all old bike accounts. Yeah.

Just all these dudes, like old GT pro performers and PK rippers, that's all I want to see. I don't know about cars. I don't get shit about cars. I don't see old BMX. That was the last one that I had. That was the last one that I had was a GT pro performer. We got Huffy's all growing up, just shit bikes.

And like all my other friends had like cool bikes, fucking Harrow's, Diamondback, shit like that. And then finally, when I was like turning 16 out of nowhere, my dad shows up with a fucking GT pro performer. It was beautiful. It was baby blue, had the fucking neon pink, fucking writing on it. And I'm like, dude, I want a fucking car.

I don't want to fucking bike now. What the fuck? Trying to get laid here. Trying to get laid here. Fucking 16, you finally fucking dropped the money. Oh, man. So in that garage, was there a separate second refrigerator at the Canaan House or no?

No, but what we have, I do have one now at the house I'm staying at. Really? That's a class. Yeah, up in Oregon for the time being. No, but what we had was one appliance, we had like a green stove and fridge, like straight from whatever era that was started.

50s or something, yeah, 50s or 60s. Yeah, like when the house was built. And then I think the fridge broke or the stove broke. And so my mom didn't want two different color things. So we just put them both in the basement. So we had a fridge in the basement. Okay. But also a stove in the basement

that was not connected to anything. It didn't work. I don't know which, I don't remember. I think it's still there, but. Trash. Wait, was the basement finished and you just had a stove in it? Or was it an unfinished basement like for storage?

The basement was finished at one point but then we get water in it and so they just let it go to hell. Yeah, we had the same thing, we finished it once and like two weeks later in the 90s it flooded. And it's still, there's still a dehumidifier down there cranking and you can't get the smell out. Just smells musky. Just three inch watermark and sitting there

with a shop vac, sucking it up. Oh dude, the shop vac was the fucking worst. So in that refrigerator downstairs in the basement, would you guys keep like popsicles and sodas and stuff like that? Cause we'll count that as a garage fridge. Okay. Well, it wasn't right now. The fridge is still down there now

cause then I moved out in 2003s when I moved to LA at 26 years old by the way. That's what I moved out of my case. Garbage. And that's when my mom was finally getting my old house. Yeah, that's when the house was getting remodeled. So I go back and like, I go back to the same house but it's like hardwood floors and granite countertops.

Like like she did a good job. But before it was like brown shag carpeting and green tiles and all that stuff. But the old fridge is still kicking down in the basement but they're not big drinkers but they always have booze in the house. So it's all beer. Nice.

Beer and like weird drinks that people have brought by. That's what's in the basement. A bottle of Kahlua or something. Yeah, a bottle of Kahlua somewhere. Yeah, yeah. What's an odd ball? Some Uzo or something. It's free Jellica or some shit.

Some Uzo, what the fuck. That's a big garbage thing is the keeping the second fridge cause it's a garbage mentality. It's nice, it's great to have but the impetus of the thought is I can't throw out this. Yeah. I can't, this is a expense. This is a appliance.

I can't throw this. I gotta keep it. So you just, nobody ever buys a second fridge. It's always, you know, barely working or an uncle's giving it away or you find it and you just stick it in a spare room. So it's a trash mentality but it's clean limited. It's gonna be useful and also like you're in a family

you can't take a 30 pack of Coors and take up that much real estate. Very true. Family fridge, you gotta put that in the side fridge. Yeah. Cause you gotta be Tupperware's full of shredded hot dog, man. I remember, there was definitely times in like,

we would, you know, be stacking a fridge where you're like, all right, well, beer has to be cold. The milk's gotta stay but this soda can come out. The ketchup can go. The mustard, like what's not gonna spoil. No, pop was always in a cabinet. We always had pop in a cabinet. Ooh, pop.

All it pop. That's a Midwest thing. That's trash. Pop. Well, that's why I figured I can get away with saying it now. Soda just feels proper to me, you know what I'm saying? Oh, you and your fancy soda over there.

Not a Kennedy. Jesus Christ. Coastal elites and their sodas. Throwing extra syllables around like we're all gonna live for it. All right, so growing up, what was the pop? What was the brand and the hat you kept in the house or what was your go-to?

I'm gonna throw some deep cuts on you. Oh, I love it. Because that's one of the things just so you know, people have been asking because they wanted to have you on because they knew you were Midwest and you would have the Midwest. You're the only, yeah.

We have the Midwest. You'd have the Midwest items. That's what we're here. Like you said crystals, that blew our minds. So what was the soda? Well, crystals in the Midwest. Crystals is the South, but I just knew that as a counterpoint to White Castle.

Okay, all right. But all right, with pop now, what was usually what was on sale, preferred choice, which ironically enough, preferred choice I think was the in-house brand of Jewel. Preferred choice. The in-house brand. But I think my mom always wanted Coke.

She was a Coke person, never Pepsi. Once again, strict lines were drawn. Yeah, lined in the sand. Yeah. But if it was on sale, RC, Cola would float in. The fucking dude, let me tell you something. It's usually maybe some bad root beer. No citrus items.

No citrus drinks. Myself, I love a nice cold squirt. Take that sound bite and do what you want. Squirt's great. Got it. A ice cold grapefruit pop. Oh, wow. Mellow yellow is pretty good too.

No, okay, sure, sure. The one that would show up that nobody ever liked and it would never come in a, it only came in like the cardboard tray. Oh, yeah. You know, like when pop jeep doesn't even have its own box. The 24 pack would be like,

it would be like four or six packs and like that in the cardboard thing. Yeah, it was Canfields. It's called Canfields Diet Chocolate Fudge Soda. There was never, there was never a regular. There was only diet. So something went wrong in the lab where they're like, we can only market this as diet.

Chocolate fudge soda. It was disgusting and it was in my house all the time. Oh my God. And we still like it. We used to get something similar too and the reason that we would get that, and I think the reason they sold that was specifically for diabetics

because that's anybody in my family that had diabetes, that would be their soda. It would be the diet chocolate fudge soda. I never thought that that was like, it was almost like in the medical aisle. It was prescription soda. Get an orthopedic, a pair of orthopedic shoes and some pop. It was backed by the reader glasses

and canes and all that. Get your blood pressure checked in a six pack, get the bricks. Take two six packs of this and call me in the morning. Yeah, I think so. I never thought of it that way. I think that's what it was. I just think that's what your trashy out of shame family did. I don't know if that's the reason.

No one's making prescription soda for diabetics. That's not a market. It was big in the diabetic community I'm telling you. No. I just said no, what's going on? Yeah, it's like, why can't we get the regular chocolate fudge soda? It's like, they don't make, they only make the diet kind.

Like, well it's not called diet, call it regular and psychologically I'll enjoy it more. Yeah. I remember my dad, my dad was like, not like a health nut, but definitely not just eating the trash that the rest of the family was. And you'd come in for a moment or on or something and just crack a room temperature diet chocolate fudge.

Oh man. My dad would just look, he's like, drink water. You're dehydrated. You're supposed to drink a lot of water. It's gross anyway. It's just like, caramel, brown, fizzing, disgusting. Warm chocolate soda, dude. But I don't know what it was.

Every once in a while as a kid, when you were real thirsty, a fucking a warm soda really hit the spot out of a can. I don't know why. It's just trash. But it really, really did. I remember chugging fucking a couple of diet cokes. That were like 80 degrees in the trunk of the car and just being like, ah.

I almost belched myself to death. I bought a six pack of generic root beer at the dollar store. Oh my, just recently? No, I was going with my cousin to see Son-in-law at the movies. And we were trying to learn about candy. Oh, that was a great movie, by the way. Shut up, the quality. We went to the dollar store and I was like, oh, shit.

It was on the shelf, which is a dusty six pack of root beer. And I think I drank them all during the movie. But I was just, oh. It was full. Just swiss out of Longhorn in it, man. I was throwing it out. I thought I was going to die. How do you feel about soda with no ice?

Would you ever order soda with no ice? No, because I think if I'm getting a fountain drink, that's part of the joy of it. Of course, thank you. That's a classy answer right there. The temperature is what you like. That's the allure. Yeah.

Yeah, you got to get the right kind of drink. It's the bubbles and the cold, yeah. Because we think it's garbage when people order soda with no ice. Yeah. Well, I get it because then if you've ever seen like an ice tray or like the ice. Maker? The dispenser.

Oh, I never thought about that. But no one's not. People tell them dirty apps at a bar and stuff. The taps at the bar are disgusting. Yeah, that stuff. I never look at the ketchup dispensers, like never get the pumpkin. I'm like, there's certain things I just don't want to know.

I know they're gross, but I want to contain. Like, don't tell me that the little line on the back of shrimp is poop. I know it is. Why are you trying to ruin the shrimp? I still eat seafood. Why are you going to ruin the shilling? You never could believe the kind of gross stuff

they find in hotel rooms. I live in hotel rooms most of the time. I know what I do in there. I don't want to know. Yeah, I know what I've done to them. I know it's true. I don't need you telling me what other people like me do. I always get two beds.

I get one for sleeping and one for eating. Yeah. I lay in bed, and I eat in one bed, and then I sleep in the other one. That's trashy. I thought he was going to say one for eating, one for jerking, one for sleeping, one for jerking, but eating. Jeez.

Yeah, which one do you slap it in? Do you jerk off in the food bed or the sleep bed? I ain't just going to bathroom for that. Like a gentleman. Locks the door. No peeky peeky. There's still a lot of shame. Turn the lights off.

Turn the lights off. Yeah, yeah. You're talking to two repressed Catholics right here. I still won't masturbate if somebody knows flying on a plane at the moment. Or on a Sunday. All right, I got one here. Anyone in your family ever have a breathalyzer in their car?

Yeah, me. You had one? Really? Oh, yeah. I got a gooey about nine years ago, and I had to blow and go in a stick shift, in a stick shift pickup truck, too, which I thought the whole point is like,

oh, you have to have both hands on the wheel. Otherwise, it's illegal. But I'm trying to drive stick shift. Like an octopose, yeah. But yeah, steering wheel is doing what it wants to. Yeah, I got a gooey back in 2011. Damn. Is that an LA thing?

Do they do that in other? Yeah, my buddy had one in Philly. Oh, really? Yeah, the interlock it's called. And it's expensive, too, to get one. And you've got to go get it calibrated and shit. Calibration's the biggest jerk off my buck. That's true.

My buddy said the same thing. He's like, this is bullshit. I've got to go give this guy 800 bucks. 800? You've got to go every month. I think I don't know how many months I had it, four or six months or whatever. Every other week, you had to go get it calibrated.

And it was 75 bucks to get it calibrated each time. And the guy, it's just an auto shop. It's not the police department. Yeah. And the guy just can't even keep a straight face. He's like, yeah, I mean, I'm not getting any of this money. So it's all going back to his time. It's all going back to his time.

Come back in a month instead of two weeks. Like just pay ahead. And then there's no such thing as caliber. Yeah, don't worry about it. I'd rather take the fucking six-month in county. I'm not fucking paying 75 every two weeks. Fuck that. Because you have to do it to start it, right?

You have to do it to start it, then like intermittently, every 15 minutes or 10 minutes, or however in miles or whatever, it would click back on and you'd have to test again. And I remember, this is how just like fucking drunk idiots we were. My buddy's like, well, my buddy got it in his car. And then we were all like looking at it and shit. He's like, well, how do you know, why doesn't the passenger

just blow? I mean, well, if the passenger was sober, he would just be driving the car. You're not going to drink and drive with a sober guy in shotgun, you know what I mean? Yeah, this seemed like we're doing it, bro. I was still partying. I'd get in in the morning and it wouldn't let me start.

Yeah, same thing. We would go down to like Atlantic City to party for the night. And we wouldn't be sitting like a holiday in parking lot because we couldn't leave because Vinny was still drunk. I couldn't argue with it either, too, like I'm blowing it. And I was like, no, I'm like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, good call.

There were so many times where we would like try and then go to be like, wow, let's go get breakfast or whatever. Yeah, let's let's let's sleep this one off a little bit. If you try too many times, it locks you out. Locks you out, yeah. That's fucking trash. It's a tightrope walk in the interlock system. A blow and go guy.

That's a fucking RU guard. First on a white Ford Ranger with a mismatched camper. Oh, dude, that's the Ford Ranger is the trashiest of all pickup trucks. I don't care if you're if you've got a F1 15, it's got bullet holes in it or three wheels. A Ford Ranger is trash. Yeah, I loved it.

And it was an old parts truck, too. So they didn't have carpeting. It just had that plastic floor and that plastic. You could smell the smoke and coffee in there. I did a cross couple cross country tours and that thing was sleeping in the back. I loved it. Holy sleeping in the back, like the bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So if I had screen like screen doors and stuff in it. So, holy, I love them. So let's see you learn from punk rock days. All those dudes like getting a band and sleeping. Yeah, they all bootstrapped it.

I can't do the same with comedy, you know? Yeah, you definitely left a mark on comedy that way. You were like, he went the punk rock route, you know, and definitely kind of opened people's eyes to that. Yeah, I wasn't getting booked at comedy clubs. And if I was, I was eating shit because I wasn't doing like a comedy club type act. So I wasn't going to get invited back.

I did work at comedy clubs. I'm like, well, just do whatever show you got in your town. You know, I'll be driving through. You've got a show. I'll do that show. And then the next night I'll drive to the next town and do the next shows. I might be late, depending on the blow and go,

but I'll fucking be there. I'll tell you that. You might have to have the feature run a little bit. I had that for one of the tours. That's awesome. Time-depending. Thank God I got a sleeping bag in the back because this isn't going anywhere.

Sleep this one off. All right. What do you got, Foley? What do I got? So we're talking about sleeping. This is kind of a new one. I thought about this the other night. How do you, how many pillows do you

need to sleep comfortably? And where do you, where, where are they positioned? This is fun because I want to guess what is, if it's garbage to want a lot of pillows or. It's very garbage. I'll tell you, this is mine, which is I think the most trashy. Huh? It's garbage to want a lot of pillows.

Two, two is necessary. One is a, I can't, I can't sleep. Psychopath, yeah. That's, that's axe murder, sleeps with one pillow. That's your, that's you like being in prison. Yeah. If you could sleep with one pillow. Give me a metal bunk and just a sweatshirt

with my dirty underpants crammed in it and I'll sleep. Like that's, even, even when I, even when I was sleeping in the Ranger, I think I stayed two pillows. I'm not an animal. I'm like a fucking gentleman. So where do they go? You have two, you have two behind your head. No, no, I'm a side or stomach sleeper.

No, no, the head with an arm underneath it and another one for hugging. Yeah. Got a hug. That's what I'm talking about. You need a hug. I got, I got that. And then I need a third one between my legs.

I was just going to say, between the legs, sometimes the knees get sticky and that's unpleasant. That's good. Sometimes your knees get sticky and that's unpleasant. If I fall asleep in my bed, I'm going to be like, if I fall asleep in my bed, you know, so to answer your question, to answer your question, which is the garbage that is the most garbage

depiction right there. That's exactly what I do. And that's the most trashiest. Yeah. Having one to hug and one between your legs. Wow. I think treating yourself nicely. That's just self-reflect, man.

Self-care, dude. 2020, you need all the self-care you can get. Ah, go ahead, kid. All right. Do you currently have a bathing suit? Or if you went to the pool or the beach, would you wear like basketball shorts? Like, do you have a bathing suit to wear?

Well, I got a lot of bathing suits. OK. Because I keep forgetting the suit and I have, and then I forget the bathing suit because you're never like, I probably won't need this bathing suit. And then I got to buy a cheap one. I got a lot of Walmart bathing suits. OK, that's fair.

As long as you're not there and like, you know, and won basketball shorts or something, you know. You at least look apart. No, that's never, you're always in dick tip and those things. Yeah, yeah, it's tough. It's a tough look, for sure. I went the other night this year. No, yeah, I'm a bathing suit guy.

Definitely a bathing suit. I've been a bathing suit guy all summer because I went and bought a bunch of Walmart, like you're saying. And I can't tell you how many times, whether people have known it or not, where I've been wearing a bathing suit like shorts and nowhere near a pool. I've been just wearing bathing suits.

You're on the subway. Because the bathing suit style, they've upped their games. There's pockets. I just need some pockets. I got to have a chapstick on me at all times. And so I can't just do that weird little flip up thing right up in my mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Are you doing, now are you doing the catch of the day bathing suit? That's my gag. I like if it's got the netting in the swimsuit. I tell you what, you want to hear something real trashy? I get that one. And then I cut that netting out. And it's perfectly comfortable.

You could just not get that swimsuit. Yeah, dude. If you're doing alteration work on your Walmart bathing suit before you wear it, you're fucking trash. I always do a little. If I'm with a good enough friend, you know, I'm like, oh, you know what the catch of the day is? I'm like, what is that?

And you pull the leg up. And you're like, oh, it looks like you've got a shrimp. And you just got to be like that right there. Flash some brain on them. Yeah, that's a fun little game. And then in the same vein of that, if you know, say tomorrow, you got to call tomorrow. You got to go to a court or a wedding or a funeral.

Do you have a suit that fits that you can wear tomorrow? Yes, I got a couple of tailored suits. Nice. But the only reason I have them is because when we were living in LA, the Mrs. got real interested in magic, not the gap or the actual art form of magic. Sure.

There's a place called the Magic Castle that you have to dress up and pin. All right. And so we became members of the Magic Castle. And so I got a couple of sharp suits. That's pretty cool. That's like a night out on the town type thing. That's classy.

That's nice. But going to a magic show. You make your face off and enjoy some illusions. No, it's like a castle. It's like a classy. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, the old school. It's old school entertainment, baby.

That is pretty classy. It's like going to Broadway shows. There's different theaters inside there. There's guys in the corner doing that. It's the thing that is so easy to laugh at until you go experience it. You're like, I never knew I loved magic this much. Yeah.

I am OK with feeling like an idiot, because that's what happens. That's all it is. You just feel dumb. You know, Alex, you know it's not real, but they're just in your face like, tada, you son of a bitch. What the fuck are you doing? I got to go buy a suit.

I got to show up and look good for you next time. I just spent 300 bucks to be here, Jerkoff. Oh, yeah, that's the biggest trick of all. I poured all my money in this goddamn magic castle. Speaking of college, we have a couple of standard questions that we want to make sure we get through. We're going to get you out of here in a minute or two. What did you get in your SAT test?

I'm fine, man. I didn't do it. I did ACTs. I didn't take SATs. What the hell's that? Yeah, I always heard about it. I never knew them though. I never knew anybody.

Somebody just mentioned this to us. It was just where I grew up. They didn't. You didn't take SATs. It was regional SAT. Yeah, I don't know if there's a corresponding thing, but I did. I got a 28 on those.

So I don't know if you want to research what the scale. It was good. It was a good score. I definitely. 28 does not sound good. No, it's out of like 32 or something. Oh, really? What'd you get?

Yeah. What'd you say? 28, the average ACT score is 20.8. That's not too bad. And where'd you go to college? No, well, that's the thing. I was always in the smart classes, and then I let everybody down.

Been there, buddy. I went to a community college for a year. Nice. And then I went to a state school. I think I didn't even make it a semester at state school. And then I dropped out of that. And then I went to Columbia College in Chicago, not Columbia University.

In liberal arts college, you didn't need a high school diploma to get into. Oh, my god. And I bounced around there. I think I went to college for off and on. I got a degree in 2002. OK. They made me graduate.

Because I was just taking all these different liberal arts college. And I was like, oh, yeah, man, I'll try an acting class. Oh, I'll try an art class. I'll do all this kind of stuff. Taking a magic class. Honestly, right now, I'm sure they have one there. I'm sure they have one.

But they're like, oh, you're going to graduate this semester. I'm like, I don't want to graduate. Pump the brakes, Ian. That's when you've got to get a real job. If you're not in college, but you have a college degree, you get a job. And that's the end of your life. No, man, I could just finagle a couple classes

and some part-time jobs. And I'm like, you're getting a bachelor's degree. It's just in applied studies. It's not even in a thing. You don't even have a major. And so I graduated. I was like, all right. And I started comedy at the time.

And I was like, I guess I'll move to California. There you go. So I went to three different colleges over the course of seven years. Bachelor's degree from a liberal arts school. That's fucking trash. Oh, man. That's neck level trash.

That's fucking awesome. I get to see you in an interview. You went to three schools in seven years? I like my truck. You majored in needle point? What the fuck is this? You should be a doctor on the space station. I got one or two more.

And then I have, I just have a few quick ones that I want to run through with that are specific Midwest. Because we get hundreds of fucking people submitting questions. And somebody submitted a bunch of Midwest ones that I want to get to that I don't even know what they are. So you might be able to shed some light. But one I want to know, are you a bagel bike guy

or a pizza roll guy? Pizza roll. Get the fuck out of here. Whoa. Wow. Really? Yeah. Get out of here with your fucking bougie bagel bike.

Bagel bike. Totino's all day. No. Totino's. It's an Italian company. They ship them in. Better start. This is not anti-Semitic in any way.

Any specific there? I love bagels and the Jewish people. They're great people. I love a fucking Totino's. On this one, they were around. They're great. But my family was a English muffin pizza household. Somebody just sent that recipe in.

I don't know why anybody had to write down a recipe. Kind of get the right cheese. You could have figured that one out. There's no culinary school involved, English muffin, made of sauce, and a piece of cheese. And then you got those olives in the cabinet from earlier. You throw those on there. Come on.

You can whatever, a little section, both pieces, whatever you want. Here's the big question, though. The English muffin brand, what was it? Was it Thomas's? Yeah. Yeah, it was always Thomas's. I don't even think they make anything from that.

There's a couple, and they fucking stink. They're like muffins. They're trash. Thomas's are nothing. That's a staunch rule. No, I only know Thomas's. Otherwise, any other pastry was from Entomans. Those have been what?

Class family right there. Now we're talking. Entomans. I know that you were royalty. The Long Danish? You never get the Long Coffee Cake? Buddy, love the Long Danish. Dude, the Danish.

I didn't appreciate the Danish until I got older. When I was an eight, nine, 10, I thought that was like adult food. Yeah, what? It was always with coffee. I'm like, well, I don't fuck. Give me the donut. Give me the cupcake, the devil's food cake, something. I got older.

That fucking Long Danish. Entomans, cheese Danish. Classy with the crumb on top. Good night. That was good. I worked at a donut factory. Here, this is a more tidbit for garbage. I worked at a donut factory.

The conclusion's already in, Kyle. Just to let you know. Let me just seal the deal, all right? We have the guys in the lab working on the numbers, but we're pretty short. We're pretty sure that's what's going to happen. I was, because I didn't want to work customer service when I was in high school and everything, like a heavy idea

running into other people from school. I always felt bad for the kids that did work at McDonald's, and then people come in and they're like, look at you. You fucking nerd. Don't make my food. Like, how can you call a man who's doing you a favor? And he can put you in there. And you're eating at McDonald's, yeah.

Yeah, it was high school politics. But so I went, we had like a large industrial area in Addison. And I just saw, I'm like, I would just go and like, I'll do it. What do you want? I'm young, and I'll do dumb shit. That is dumb shit. Yeah, I'll defy regulations. I don't need no papers.

No, I was working at this donut fair. Like conveyor belts and deep frees, they would ship it off to grocery stores and everything. But because it was all like mostly like Hispanic people that worked there, migrant workers that worked there. And I was the only white guy. And so they thought I was related to the boss. They all hated me at first.

But then they found out I was just a kid working there. And also I would eat the donuts for lunch because it was all like any kind of mess, like mixed up by the machine. So I just every day for lunch, I would have all these like misshapen donuts, you know. And so they thought I was the poorest white person I ever lived. And so they would feed me all this really great homemade like Mexico, America.

Oh, it's great. And I felt like you don't have to do this. I'm fine. They're like, why are you eating all this garbage? I'm like, you have no idea. This is a treasure trove. I'm living a fucking life. Two weeks ago, I was eating Little Caesar's Pizza under trash.

That was a trash juice on it. My other buddy worked at the Willy Wonka Processing Plant, the like the packaging plant. And he was basically in my band. And so he just would come to band practice. We just have like buckets of canned just that's a bucket. It's a candy. That's my candy and dominant.

I have an original tooth left in my head at this point. We used to have, you know, Pepperidge Farms, well, Pepperidge Farms, whenever they would fuck something up, they had a store that sold irregular products. So you would get like maybe like the misshapen Milanos and stuff like that. And my mom would go there like once a month and just fucking load up on all these fucked up cookies.

Oh, yeah, what? We got we actually dropped a bunch of blue food coloring into the croissant and here you go. Oh, that's a gold mine. I'd still hit up the bruised and reduced rack at the grocery store if I see it parked in the back of the bathrooms. I think I'll see what we got here. Check out the track at the bakery.

That's fucking clean living right there. Oh, yeah, man. All right, keep it hidden with the Midwest. Yeah, here here's a couple of the Midwest specific ones. Have you ever played pull tabs? What's that? I ain't playing my mom still. My mom still goes to bingo.

She loves him. She's like that. She doesn't even like the bingo part of bingo. She goes mostly to play pull tabs. It's like a it's like a lottery taking type game, I think, right? Instead of a scratch off, it's like has a little cardboard door. It's oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We call them 50 50s. Yeah, it's like a white trash advent calendar. You know, open and you find out that you didn't win anything. Yeah, we used to call them 50 50s. And you would get them at like fairs and shit like that. Those were for you get you get on a roll in one of those. That was a fucking hot day. Fun OK for everybody.

Yeah. Oh my god, elephant ears for me and my boys. Keep it coming. You were going elephant ears? That's OK. And then have you ever purchased three two beers? That's not Midwest. That's Utah.

Oh, is it? What's two beers? Three two. That's like you're saying diabetics with a diet diet soda. Three two beers in Utah because they're super Mormon religious. They would sell alcohol, but at a lower alcohol rate. So 3.2% alcohol for the beers is the beer that you would buy.

Like if you go to Utah, it's a lot of the beer, not so much anymore because they're slowly changing it. But if you got like a case of Budweiser, normally I think it's 5% alcohol. It's 3.2% because Joseph doesn't want you to get fucked up or something. I don't know. But that's more of a Utah Mormon thing.

I don't know that about the Midwest. That's garbage, man. Oh, well here it says three two beer is three. Some grocery store in gas station would sell it when the liquor stores are closed because it's technically not considered. I guess it's like a way around once the stores, for the real booze bags that are looking for the party to go on.

That's a Utah thing. I never knew where I was at. There was no kind of like religious control over it. You can buy booze. Liquor stores were open. You're fine. I would always go to the liquor store. I used to go to the liquor store to buy my mom's cigarettes.

She sent me with a note. Be like six years old by my bike at that stage. They saw my son, one pack of Winston 100s. Oh, is that what it was? She smoked Winston 100s? Yeah, I was a Winston family for a long time. Yeah, my stepdad from Winston. Marlboro ultralights.

She's a Marlboro ultralight. That's like an aristocrat at that place. Anything 100, though. That's pretty garbage. Smoking, especially seeing your mom with a 100 hanging out of her mouth. Lipstick on the end of it. Fucking puke.

My liberal arts college, I had enough money left for one train ticket from Union Station in Chicago back out to the Burbs. I figured out the math. I had exactly enough money for that. When I was smoking, I was up to about two packs a day at one point. And I always smoked like derals.

I smoked generic cigarettes. And they had shit. They were called like Durango 100. It was something like a Menthol 100. And that was the only fact. Yeah, I had enough money for that and a train ticket home. And I just tried to suck out Menthol 100s. Yeah, I was gnarly when I was smoking.

Fucking Jack Kerouac. That's fucking hard. I was almost pulling butts out of ashtrays. Dude, you know you're at a bad point in life when you're doing sig math at the store. That's bad news. I only took like two drags off the stairs. That's just your fault.

Yeah, holy shit. That's it for me, man. Yeah, Kyle Kanane, I got to tell you 100% Midwest. Unadulterated garbage. Unfiltered. No 3.2 or whatever. This kid's fucking heavy alcohol, the garbage of you. Oh, man.

But the best car. Yeah, dude, thank you so much, man. Yeah, buddy, thank you so much. Anything you want the folks out there to know? You got anything coming up? Anything you want to plug? Put out a new album called Trampoline in a Ditch. Put that out a couple, maybe about a month ago.

So that's out. Other than that, man, I hope to do shows sometime here. Yeah, I know. I can't do that point. I either got to retire or something. Something's got to happen. I'm living semi-retired. I was joking about it before all this.

Now I'm like, oh, I mean, I just do comedy when I want to. And the rest of the time, I'm fucking off with bicycles and RC cars and shit. Yeah, some aspects of it ain't too shabby. I'll tell you that there is a nostalgia of having nothing to do and ain't bad. Playing with RC cars. Jesus Christ, stop it right now.

You're fucking killing yourself. Holy shit, RC car. He drops the custom RC car. Yeah, just in the back tinkering, you know? Oh, I got RC cars right now. The other tab open next to you guys on my computer is trying to figure out what guns I can buy in Oregon with a California Dragon.

This guy's getting up. Holy shit. Kippy, what do you got to tell him? Guys, just as always, thanks so much for supporting us. We got this off the ground. Please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Keep us in the top two hundo. Full video available on YouTube.

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Yes, sir. Guys, thank you so much. We love you and we'll see you next week. Yeah, peace.