Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Live from the Van w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored by: Mint Mobile: Shop data plans at https://mintmobile.com/GARBAGE. Sponsored by Better Help: Visit https://betterhelp.com/GARBAGE to get 10% off your first month. Pretty Litter: Go to https://PrettyLitter.com/GARBAGE to save twenty percent on your FIRST order and get a free cat toy. Lucy: http://lucy.co/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, the 2025 edition of the RU Garbage card game, third edition is on sale right now at RUGarbage.com. Play with your friends, play with your family, and see who is trash. Yeah, we got over 50 questions right here. Was your babysitter a man? Hit me. Yes he was. Ever been run over? How you doing? Yes I have. Can you pick up stuff with your toes?

Yes I can. Gang, available at RUGarbage.com and they're shipping in a day or two. Get on board Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage.

Oh yeah! It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that out to go to be classy. Yeah! They're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage! I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day, barreling down the Pennsylvania turnpike here in Tootie's

Mobile. Big Blue! Tootie's back at the house. We left her a rolled up hundred on the kitchen table and I don't think it's going to be for pizza. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and he's sitting in the captain's chair. He's got all the remotes give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody. Let's go. What up gang shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube also full video available on Spotify And I just checked in those numbies last night then things are cooking baby

And then obviously the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com slash RE garbage you go over there you get all that bonus content gang. Boys are doing a little bit something different today. Uh huh. A little taste of the road with us in the back two little spoiled brats back there. From Route 66 fame. From Route 66 fame the boys are on the road you got Mr. Tom Cat Daddy Cassidy. Good to be back boys. Happy to have you Tommy. Out on the open road. Pittsburgh

salt of the earth out here these people. Hey you're a true talent Tommy. And of course Mr. Sam Rubinoff. Hey happy Passover or whatever you celebrate. Comedian, director, actor. Stand up comedian, classic schlub. All around loser. Hebrew. Is it Passover? Yeah, man. So what are you doing? I'm I did a satyr. He dropped that microphone.

Allowed to be touching electronics. Aren't you guys? What are we going to do? Shouldn't you be sitting Shiva Shiva somewhere or something like that? That's what you do. Yeah, you know, we did the Passover Seder thing, and now I'm hanging out with my favorite Catholic people. Is this a big one?

Is this a big holiday? Is this a high holiday? It's not a high holiday, but it's a holiday. Doodie's eye. Every holiday's it's a holiday every holidays Passover for her yeah no but it's it's one that people I would say it's like Jewish Thanksgiving didn't I see you eating bread yesterday yeah I mean I did I did that yeah you eat you eat fucking meat during Lent I saw you eating a lot yesterday don't be judging people for what they were eating.

Diesel, you're in the middle of the goddamn road. Yeah, we got our boy Ryan D driving. Great wheel man. He's been a little wonky this trip. I just had to check him as he was cruising through an intersection. But all in all, this is the squad gang. This is the road squad. This is the bus. We are leaving Pittsburgh right now, just pulling out of town, headed to Cleveland for two sold out shows.

Really one, the other one's about 96% sold out, like a walk up. Packed out, not sold out. We wanted to give you a little, we typically do these on Patreon, the greatest website of all time, but we wanted to give the Bozos a little slice of life, you know what I mean?

So here we are, and I got to be honest with you I Am in love with this bus. I might be done flying forever. I I might be full-blown John Madden just wheels on the bus cruising through this great country of ours taking your meals in here I'll be doing everything dude. Just me and diesel on the open road I'll meet you guys in Portland. Doing play by play for the Raiders games. I got a bunch of TV's going.

By the way, I wanted to bring something up. This is a little bit hard feelings, but I heard you talking yesterday about commissioning the, uh, the van for a personal trip. Well that was another thing. I liked the van so much. My family's got a trip in Florida and I was I'm trying to convince my brothers my brother my brother-in-law and my nephews to ride like I'm like Let's ride down to Florida. They are adamantly opposed to it. What's the compensation coming my way? What do you mean? I don't have for this thing sure so am I coming no

So there'll be a monetary compensation? I doubt it. Something sexual? Why not just being a good friend of mine, you let me use it. And also, now you're putting our business out there for the IRS, which I do not appreciate, my friend. That is a business trip. I'm going down there to talk to clients.

I'm going to try to secure some funding from some Cubans. And you could take the bus, too. You could take Patty down to Sandals or something, whatever you guys do. Down to Heatonism, wherever you and your family go. Get it on a boat. Yeah, I want to take the kids on a road trip. These kids don't know road trips, you know what I mean?

I want to take them on a nice fun, we'll stop at south of the border. You know what I'm saying? They don't want to sit in a van with you. What are you talking about? I'm the cool uncle. Yeah, right. What do you talking about? I'm the cool uncle. Yeah, right What do you mean creep?

Yeah, I don't know why you're going down that way with it You know what I was thinking about this morning. What's that pancakes? Western I did try the waffle at the Hampton Inn just that's crazy, but I'll give it to you. I respect it Yeah, pretty good. I couldn't wait to two minutes though, so it was a little medium-rare I respect it. Yeah, pretty good. I couldn't wait to two minutes though, so it was a little medium rare. To be quite honest with you. A little runny on the middle.

Yeah, I couldn't wait. You couldn't wait to two minutes. It's 250, two minutes and 50 seconds you had to wait for it to cook. I don't like them well done either though. You're doing a shot of the batter. Mom, why is that guy eating waffle milkshakes? Shut up kid.

I was thinking about this this morning. I don't know if you guys are gonna be able to relate to this at all because you're younger. Okay. All right, so when you think about the span of 20 years, all right, where I'm going with this is I remember in the 80s being in cars that were probably made in the 60s or even let's say the 90s.

If I'm in a car in 1990 that was made in 1970, it felt like they were a hundred years old. They had like that smell. You know that smell I'm talking about? That rusty metallic, especially the trunk. What made me think of it is when Kramer was talking on a Seinfeld, because I was watching Seinfeld because I can't sleep These pills got I can't sleep at all. I didn't fall asleep until like six o'clock last night I know you had your yeah, you had your medium-rare waffle that went back to bed for an hour Yeah without a CPAP and that was bad. I had like five heart attacks why I was laying It's a big morning, but I was watching the waffles and heart attacks

But I was watching I was watching Seinfeld it was the marine biologist episode where he was talking about all the golf balls He had in the trunk of his car and as you know Kramer had an older model car sure and I was thinking about what the trunk of that car must smell like that like gasoline rusty kind of smell when you think about it though, a car made in 2000 or if I'm in a car in... It's like the Loom. The Loom's 20 years old. Yeah. Yeah, I have it. I know exactly what you're talking about. I went out and bought that car. But that wouldn't have that same... I know, but it has smell of that time. It has smell of the car. Yeah, which is, it's weird. Like it doesn't smell like a car from 2025.

You get in that you're like, I am in fucking the year 2000. Or what is it? The 95. You're like, I am in 30 years. Yeah, I'm in 1995. It's weird to think, though. It's not like how come it doesn't seem how come 2020 to 2000 doesn't seem as far away as 1990 to 1970.

Because you're still in Vietnam in 1970. The passage of time is different. Yeah, but how old were you in 1990? 40. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He's just retiring from my first job. In 1990. He was 14 years old.

I was 14, god damn stalker. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why don't you two get a room? Get off my dick, Tommy. 1976. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, so you're 14, your life experience is different. Every year at 14 is vastly different than every year from 30 to 50.

No, but I'm just... No, that's what it is. What I'm saying is the technology has evened out. From 1970 to 1990 is a huge jump but 2000 to 2020 Doesn't feel like that huge of a jump. That's an insane statement. Is it? There was from 2000 to 2025 Dude compare the Lumina to this thing this thing has Wi-Fi And a fucking flat screen in it and do we have a five camera setup going on right now smells nice the lumina

Smell nice until you squash that spider which that's fucking bad juju by the way Just like that's the last thing you need. That's the last thing I need six heart attacks guys. Hey juju He's sitting right next to me take it easy Happy Passover And is it happy Passover? Yeah, it's sad Passover. No, it's a good one. Isn't this when you were hiding babies? Yeah, we're we're paint on the door. Yeah, I don't ever met them, but the Jews are rarely happy This is a happy one. We're hiding babies Foley smears barbecue sauce on his door. This is what this is why Jesus got out of town, right?

They were they were killing the firstborn or something like that. No, this had nothing. This is pre Jesus Yeah, nothing to do. I'll see how to start that Air eyes out of town that weekend. I don't know what Yeah, you really started dissing himself from the old JC didn't you there Sammy Roach I wanted to mention too Yesterday on the raw we had a nice ride out from New York City to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. By the way, Pennsylvania, beautiful state. I trashed it for being whatever, Pencil-Tucky they call it, between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. There is some real nice country out there. You get the mountains, you get the green farms, we went through a couple of sun showers, fucking beautiful.

I have bad memories about that drive. The drive from the east coast to Pittsburgh. Because I only did it once, my buddy was going to Pitt. We went out there for, between Christmas and New Years for a party in the middle of the semesters. We got a bunch of bad blow and had a drive back all crashed out I hated it. Yeah, it's like a long six-hour drive, and I was crashing out Falling asleep at the wheel I wasn't driving Fair enough Ryan D. Was trucked meanwhile you had me and Ruben off on a puddle jumper Jesus Christ was the day the features died on that

Tommy had to fly out because features died on that one. Yeah, Rubenoff and Tommy had to fly out because a lot of last minute change to plans, obviously. We had some things up in the air, we had a couple of things we had to stay in the city for. We had to cancel one of the Pittsburgh shows, unfortunately, as everybody knows. We had a humdinger there last night, it was fantastic. We're working on the make-up dates, check the website. And yeah, we had to send you two morons out there just in case we were pulling in late.

So you could do the sound check and all that stuff. Which was gonna be real Hollywood stuff if we did get jammed up. We had them out there to start the show if we were gonna be running late. You know what I mean? We run into town, I'm putting my tux on as I'm like running through the door to go up and bomb for 300 people. Uh, no, but everything ended up working out easy peasy lemon squeezy But on the way out we stopped at a gas station and I will peckish right all the BME

New guy Luke and Ryan D. We go in we take our peepees You get a coffee and then we go they see that milling around most you know It was a gas station like as a loves no no that was like a Sonoco a plus or something like that okay and they have that like I don't like loves they have that oval refrigerator you know what I mean they have like a while well I have it all gassed oh yeah I know it's like open there's no doors on it it's stuff to get like a little bit colder it looks like the thing that they keep cake in at diners except it doesn't have the doors okay that was a very specific thing.

It's like a car without the doors and a window and a red roof. Just start doing that completely different thing. But we um, I see them milling about, you know what I mean? I'm a little peckish at this point. They're looking, we're about four hours into the drive. They're looking, they're looking, they're talking, they're laughing. I go, they got their eye on something. They both grab, and I ain't never had it, they both grab those meat, cheese, and cracker

Hillshire Farm salami packets. You've never had those? I ain't never had one of them and baby, I gotta tell you, I ain't never going back. That is fucking gummy bear fucking cheese it. We were sitting in here, it was like, ah, I mean, whee, that was all freaking right. It's like 310 calories too. Short of nitrates ain't good for ya. Comin' out your pores.

All right, I have a confession to make. Uh oh. So, what are you lookin' at, Diesel? Cause you were grillin' me this morning, and I didn't know if you saw this or not when I came. Wait, listen, I'm done with the trackin' you. You, you do you. I'm done with all of it I'm putting my hands up in the air big man can big man. I'm done trying listen. I'm trying

All right yesterday. We had our egg bites in the car, right? Well, can I tell you this because we were clocking it this morning what? Cuz diesel went he had egg bites and then a chicken Caesar wrap and that was it and I got I didn't like the big Band and then I smoked and I but I didn't feel I haven't been feeling well My sleep's been fucked up. All right. I'm on no Trox own Anti-opioid not that I'm on the junk Just to keep me maybe you would you lose a couple pounds thin out get this Let's get this guy on some smack.

Get in there and spike up. What's it called again? What? What's it called again? What's what called again? The drug that you're on? Meat and cheese. Genoa salami.

It's not J- Genoa. Okay, sorry. Genoa. Um, I apologize. Did I- did I- Jesus Christ. Did I offend your family? Alright, so here's the deal. I went down to the front desk after everybody went upstairs.

I murdered the attendant working the desk. I took her keys, I drove to his sheets. I had a cheeseburger with mozzarella sticks on it. I killed the guy behind that counter. I snuck up behind her and put a staple to the back of her head like it was a gun. Like he didn't Batman begin. Hour two. No um had the egg bites okay then had that wrap which was delicious. I go with all Luke's. Whatever Luke gets I get. Yeah but then you do she do sneaky eats. I didn't do sneaky eats. I go with all Luke's. Whatever Luke gets, I get. Yeah, but then you do sneaky eats.

I didn't do sneaky eats. I tried to do sneaky eats. Let me tell you the fucking story. Alright? So you guys had those meat and cheese plates. I mean, yeah, don't act like it was a charcuterie board. Well, that gets in my head when I make a file of that. I think you do, oh, they ate and I didn't, then you make it up on the back end because that's what I do. Sure. You know what I mean?

Like, you guys had to me. Because you have that ready. Anytime someone comments, oh, that's it. Maybe you shouldn't do the medium rare waffle. You go, you guys had those meat and cheese plates. I didn't have anything. Right. Also, Diesel had the meatballs, which I really wanted at at the at the comedy really you didn't make that known

Yeah, I thought you were gonna fucking hit him who the fuck thought an improv in Pittsburgh would be making a homemade meatballs What the hell are you doing to me? They look delicious? So I'm starving. I can't sleep I go upstairs. I lay down I almost pulled the trigger on a Hershey's almond bar and I didn't right Luke I didn't so I go upstairs I lay down I'm not feeling well I fall asleep for like an hour I don't know what it is I can't fucking sleep at night now and I'm sleeping all day and I fucking fall asleep for an hour and I wake up and my tummy is a grumbling like it I'm hungry like summer camp hungry like middle of the night summer camp having that dinner in. Like, I'm hungry like summer camp, hungry. Like middle of the night summer camp, having that dinner in a long time, I'm starving. I don't know what that, I mean you did a good job

describing it. Quite a reference. Well like that's a, that is a deep cut, only fat guys know. I'm hungry and there's no access to food because I had already taken my contacts and shit out and I was in my skivvies and I wasn't going downstairs. So you wake up think you're home you go downstairs like that You're in the little snack closet. How you doing? You're slapping your stomach. Hey, don't forget to leave the cat in your ball sacks hanging out Your ball sacks hanging out the blown-out elastic band. I was a turkey. I left in here Sir, please There's a Japanese family You're in the break room looking go through people stop her wearing shit

Tell me got work tomorrow Kimmy this is mint mobile baby shout out to mint mobile. You know it you love it. We're talking about mint mobile gang Why are you spending so much on your your phone bill? Huh? Why tell me why you're doing that when you got mint mobile and you can be be getting it for $15 a month when you sign up for three months. What are we doing here? Come on. There's no brick and mortar. They're passing the savings right onto you. You get to keep your number. Do yourself a favor. Get on Mint Mobile. Yeah. Say bye-bye to overpriced wireless plans. Jol dropping monthly bills and unexpected

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cement mobile dot com for details on gang the show is sponsored by better help yet is as you know Kevin and I have both sort of taken our mental health journeys yeah right yeah psychopath well wait yo as you're looking at me with a thousand yard stare this guy both sort of taking our mental health journeys. Yeah, right? Yeah. Psychopath. Whoa, wait, yo, easy. As you're looking at me with the thousand yard stare, this guy needs double dose, huh? University level. Listen, gang, we wouldn't have started that journey

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your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash garbage do it. So I go on Uber Eats, I'm looking around. Whoa. I'm looking around. I'm starving. And I want to say thank you for sharing this with the group. Yeah?

Yeah. Fuck you! And your fucking salami backs. So I'm looking around on there, and I know Luke knows this. Is it like two in the morning in Pittsburgh at this point? It's probably like, you know what time it was? They gotta pick that, you gotta order from a restaurant in New York, you want food at that time around here. That's gonna be a long delivery wait. Six hours

so Better off going to the airport. It was 1255 because I got to the room around 11. I fell asleep I woke up at 1215. I go on a little outfit called go puff Shout out to them. They'll deliver you beer heaters They'll go to like a 7-elevenven for you. And it also comes in a sealed bag so nobody can do any snooping around. If anybody asked I was just going to say it was mouthwash or night walks, I couldn't fall asleep. So I wasn't 100% sure what I got so I'll tell you the exact order. Alright, not that I'm proud of it.

I thought you said you didn't do anything. Just listen. I got a lunchable. I can't get a read on this guy. I got a lunchable and I got one of read on this guy. I got a Lunchable. And I got one of those Hillshire. They actually had the Hillshire, the ones. Most places do.

So I got one of those. I got a bag of Cheez-Its because there was a bag of Cheez-Its in here. That got registered in my brain. You look like fat Memento. Like Kaiser Soze. Everything you see you eat later on that day. I even read it written on my arm.

Jesus Christ. And I got a great Powerade. Never heard of a great Powerade, but I got one. you see you eat later on that day? I even wrote it on my arm. And I got a great power rate. Never heard of a great power rate, but I got one. OK. It says you were doing so much working out that day. It says 20 minutes. All right, 20 minutes. No way.

20 minutes, it says. But you know that's not a real 20 minutes, right? I put a half an hour, I'll be OK. I had to eat. That's a 40 piece. Listen, I haven't been sleeping, I couldn't sleep. I understand. I had to eat something to go to fuck to sleep.

I'm not judging, I'm just saying you know that that, a 20 minute at 1 a.m. in Pittsburgh ain't 20 minutes. I didn't, I didn't. Okay. I was thinking positively, I don't know. Sending out positive vibes in the world. Pittsburgh could've fucking turned me around, you know what I mean? Sure.

Could've came through for me. Which they fucking didn't. So 20 minutes goes by, nothing. Now GoPuff is a separate operation from Uber Eats. Usually on Uber Eats you can track. You see the guy on the bike? The tracking's real bad on GoPuff. Bad.

It's real bad. It's like a map from like, it's like made in like MS Paint. It's real bad. And when they ask you, is it there yet? You know you're screwed. And if it's not there yet, push a button. Hey, we lost Barry. We don't know where the fuck he is.

It's like, just wait a little longer. He's got your Lunchable and he disappeared. So I fucking, I'm sitting there, I'm waiting. 20 minutes goes by, half hour goes by. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. So now I start calling downstairs. I'm like, hey. Where the fuck is this a lobby at? I'm I'm like hey did a delivery guy come by and the lady was like no they didn't I'm like you sure

They're like no nobody's nobody's even been here. I'm like alright, so I wait like another 20 minutes. I'm dying I'm tossing and turning I'm trying to fall back to sleep Half hour goes by hour goes by hour goes by, hour goes by, hour goes by, fucking hour. An hour. Two? I call back down, it's ringing. No one's picking up downstairs. They disappear at like 2-3am, those people are getting fucked, they're sleeping, they're

doing something. So she finally answers and I'm like, hey, you didn't see the delivery guy? And I assume she knows it's me, because they can see on a thing. That there's this guy wearing DEFCON 1 upstairs. Big guy needs some key. Yeah, but I think we were all in the wrong rooms, because I got keys, but the guy at the front desk gave me keys, and I opened the door, and Tommy was in there pooping.

So, we all got, Luke got Sam's, we got keys to say we were all fucked up. She was probably down in like, this Jewish guy really wants the salami, huh? I thought it was Passover. So nothing. So I wait like two hours and I'm just watching Seinfeld tossing and turning and I can't sleep. I probably called her like four times and every time she's like, no, no one has been here. I'm dying baby. Are you sure it's funny? Like maybe it slipped their minds? So I end up laying in bed until literally 5 o'clock, doom scrolling on Instagram, watching

Seinfeld, not being able to sleep, tossing and turning. I was thinking about taking some sketch classes. That's what I was looking up. Sketching improv classes. You told me I gotta find a hobby. I did. That's a new game for the homies and bozos out there find H Foley a hobby Kid needs something to do with this time. Well, I have an idea what it could be salami hunter

Fine to just shove it up your ass give me a suggestion You're a fat guy waiting for salami at 3 in the morning So nothing so I stay up until 5 and then I finally fall asleep and it's a bad sleep So and then your salami so then I finally fall asleep and it's a bad sleep so and then I'm- How do you salami? So then I'm like I know breakfast probably starts at like six down at the down at the thing so I'm like if I can ride this out until six I can go down get something eat come

upstairs get an hour or two asleep I fall asleep I wake up at fucking nine I call downstairs real quick I'm like hey what time's breakfast in? She's like 10 I'm like alright. Has GoPuff been here? Hop in the shower, bah bah bah I go downstairs and that's when I see you but as I turn the corner sitting at the on the desk on the front desk of the hotel is a GoPuff bag and I walk over to it immediately and the new girl who I think was the same girl Because her voice sounded real similar. She goes is this your gopuff and I'm like, yeah it is and she's like Sorry about that and I'm like, don't worry about it I grabbed the bag and I turned to go throw it out real quick

Just try just throw everything out. This all makes sense to me. Because then I looked over and I saw fucking this fucking Boy Scout up fucking writing at fucking nine in the morning and you made eye contact with me. And you were weird. I wasn't sure if you... This all makes so much sense, dude. I wasn't sure. Because I'm like, you came in and then you sat and I'm like, anybody can't get vibes

on the big man. He was real fucking short with me when I saw him. That was like when Donnie Brasco bumped into the guy at the motel during the Coke Deal. I was like, this guy's vibes are off. He's working under salami, get out of here. That was fu- okay. So I just stuffed the whole thing in the thing and then walked over to you like- Those are good road snacks though.

Well, I don't know, I figured they'd been sitting out all night. So see the lady was fucking with you like now you think it came so then you want to talk about the the Joe Pistone situation you had your headphones on you were sitting there, right Ruben off had not come down yet So I go over to the fucking omelet station little pre-made omelets on an omelet station They were pre-made microwave dominant omelet station delicious season eggs. Theyette station. Whatever it was. They were pre-made microwave omelettes. What they were. Omelette station. They were delicious. Cheese and eggs, they were good. Oh, right?

They were fantastic. I do like a bad hotel breakfast. I like a bad egg. And I go over there, and I don't know where you are now. And all of a sudden the girl comes walking up, and she's real loud. I'm like, literally, I'm loading up my plates. I got a GoPuff for fat ass. She goes hey you should you should call them and cancel that. She's like my my my girl

overnight said that that that they just left it outside. They left it outside. That's how the bugs get it. Yeah which makes me believe that this broad fucking knocked off at some point to go flick the bean or call her boyfriend or something like that and the fucking, and the go-puff guy got there and couldn't get in the front of the building Couldn't get in So he just left it outside That makes sense because as a go-pa, as a delivery driver, you get right there What do you, why you're not going in an extra five feet and drop it off, make sure you get the good rating

Such a bad move though to put, to leave anything outside Fucking scumbag move. Yeah you should never do that. I was checking the address and then I had anxiety about like did they bring it up to one of your rooms by accident and then I'm gonna fucking walk into that in the morning that you were gonna fucking not say anything and wait till we got on camera and then fucking bang you were gonna pull out my great power and start fucking hitting me with well Thank you for believing. I'm knowing I'm such a good broadcaster. That's what I would have done I also got a lot of runs. I would have done a public trial for sure What I hanged you in the public square big dog throwing you in the rivers see if you can swim So that's my story you snuck the box of runs in at the end. Yeah, I know I know Tommy This ain't my first time talking with dealing with this I even sugar if you think I thought it's just those four items your bonkers yeah what else what else was there one more thing probably a dozen eggs there was something else there was a box of

peanut butter and jelly cookies because I thought if I got them think of uncrustables I would eat the whole box. Yeah, you need a dessert. Because they have whole boxes of uncrustables on GoPuff. Check it out, gopuff.com, backslash HFOLY. You're doing your own brand deals. But I didn't get none of it, so it never happened. Well, I'm, you know, listen, thank you for being honest.

That shows growth. I get it, I've been there as well. I have two ordered, see with those things, you just kinda gotta get out in front of it. You just gotta, you text the group, hey guys, I can't sleep, I'm putting in a GoPuff order, anybody need anything? That would have qualmed all of this shit.

Yes it would have. I would have been taking shit right now. I don't think so, because it's two in the morning too, we're all going to bed. Yeah. We're not going to bed. Yeah. We're not psychotic people. We're also just like, I'm putting a GoPro on what I need to add or something.

I need my doll. I need some Preparation H, something. And then, because then you're up all night torturing yourself. That ain't worth it. And buddy, I've done it. I've ordered, fuck, I've gone up to the room and ordered a whole bunch of McDonald's before. Low key, you feel like you're smoking meth and that you feel like that motel room painting.

You're looking out the door, you're making sure no one's in the, no one's at the drop zone. I've done that a lot. I know you have. When I'm on the floor by myself, I get into bad things. Maybe we should, you should start sharing rooms and I can keep you in line a little bit. Not that I'm any Fucking then you know maybe we can split up

20 beats or something get some nuggets for the room. I was thinking we'd all get separate hotels So I can be left to my Know when I was ordering I'm like I'm a goddamn grown man. I've had this fight with myself, too I'm like dude. I'm like I was, I'm like, I've been like, worried to bump into like, Luke or somebody in the lab. I guess motherfucker works for me. He can suck my dick, I don't care. But I did think all the time that I'm spending

on thinking about this and sneaking around, all my energy's going to that. Cause I'm preparing lies, I'm preparing defenses, I'm preparing, oh, you know, what they're gonna say, what I'm gonna say, all that kind of stuff. I Yeah, I need that though cuz like on the route 66 door when you hid the poop Like do you think that's just something you need in your life to always be hiding something always be scheming I don't think it's good. I don't think it's good either But you are a you know every fiber of your being is a bit of a schemer. I've been doing it my whole life. I know

It's no good. I think good doing it my whole life. I know. It's no good. It ain't good. I want to be free of it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, this guy throwing seven different kinds of crazy today, big man. You're on it.

And then you sat at a table at breakfast. I'm sitting here. You sit at a different table. Because you were sitting there writing, and Rubinoff were sitting there writing and Ruben off Was sitting there by the way next time fucking I'm sitting eating it turn away from me I'm Ruben all I look over it was sitting with his legs crossed with his cardigan on and he's got a notepad You're sitting cross-legged like fucking Sigmund Freudstein the nori analyze in every bike that I had the North American fat ass

You were making direct eye contact with me as I was eating my omelet sandwich Alright two omelet waffle sandwiches you take a one piece of lightly toasted bread a little bit of butter a little bit of jelly You slide one of those little mini omelets in there with the little sausage patty Uh, I saw Tommy had just an untoasted piece of white bread today. It looked like he was in jail. He sat down next to me with an untoasted piece of hotel white bread and was like dabbing up his egg juice. What are you, a betta fish?

What the fuck? I got in 14 hours of sleep in the past two weeks. Eating like a duck back there. I woke up. I thought about to throw a bag like a duck back. I woke up About the throw back in the sea that I woke up time. He's got a hook in his mouth. I Woke up at 956 I put my sneakers on and I just ran down there and got whatever I could Those the people running that thing shut it down at 10, man Yeah, I was taking sausages out of their hand so I

had to go like a duck I think they moved the toes in acres I don't know why I just always pictured you sleeping with your shoes on I'm sleeping in jeans I will say this that piece of bread was delicious though you just had a piece of duty look British it was so weird I couldn't get a read he sat down I went all right man maybe fatherhood does this to you if you don't know Tommy just had a baby. Tommy's eating eggies in a basket What a blessing. Congratulations Tommy. Tommy's a new dad. What a time to be alive. Tommy. I love you boy But uh yeah, so I got an egg the last sausage you got a little bit of hard-boiled eggs a piece of bread No, there weren't any hard-boiled eggs. Those things are disgusting Yeah, the hotel ones are I like what are they doing putting out hard-boiled eggs? I like a hard-boiled egg. It's

Right. I don't touch them. That's those things got to be soaked in Salt solution or something some kind of preservative you like a deviled egg. I love it deviled egg Tommy Come on. What am I a fucking asshole dude deviled eggs on Easter to? I love it Deviled Egg. Tommy, come on. What am I, a fucking asshole? Dude, Deviled Egg's on Easter too? Wooo! Little Pat Brico in there.

Oh my goodness. I went to school with him. Pat Brico. Good kid. Shout out Patty Brico. Um, yeah. Wow, that, I mean what a, I didn't know all that happened. You shouldn't be, get out in front of it next time.

Listen, cause we woke up anyway and being like, there's no way he just had that. So we know you act like we you think we don't know you. Here's the thing, I will. We've been on the road together for five years. I woke up feeling despite the sleep, it feels good to be hungry. It feels good to be empty. But I just I haven't done it in so long like that, where I just couldn't go all the way through. If that makes sense. I couldn't make it through the night. I couldn't sleep.

Well I think there's other issues going on. I wish I didn't have those fucking, the omelette sandwiches this morning. And I didn't know you were going to fucking the juice place. I didn't see the text in the group. Which here you go, we got your juice. It's too late. Now my stomach's all full with the egg sandwich, with the omelette sandwiches. Yeah, but you ate, you ate that way before we went to the juice place. Yeah, before we decided the juice.

I left for the juice place after that. Also, nobody made you make an omelet waffle sandwich, you lord ass. What are you talking about? You're yelling at us. This is what you do. You're now yelling at us that you didn't get a green juice, and we had green juices because you made a waffle and omelet sandwich. I'd probably feel a little bit better right now

if I didn't have the omelet waffle sandwiches, and I waited and got the green juice. Hey, next time, don't eat the waffle and omelette sandwich. I'd probably feel a little bit better right now if I didn't have the omelette waffle sandwiches and I waited and got the green juice. Hey next time don't eat the waffle and omelette sandwich. It's like talking to a six year old. It's like hey little buddy, maybe next time don't swallow the quarter, you know? Don't put the fork in the outlet and you don't learn. Keep zapping yourself. That's why you can't sleep. You got fucking 220 running through you.

I remember doing that as a kid, not being able to control myself. I knew that I was gonna shock myself and I would just do it anyway. Yeah, that was a big day when you learned how to lick the 9-volt. Man, I remember sitting on the couch for about two hours just fucking zapping myself. Whaling away on my wiener at the same time. That's why I like it weird gang. I miss her. You lick a battery and then shove your finger up your ass. Shock collar in a dead man's hand? Yeah, okay, well, you know, yeah, that's great. Let's just try to do better today. What's great?

He's psychotic, what are you talking about? Let's just try to do better today, you know? I am psychotic. I know, hey, I'm well aware. I'm losing it! I'm not sure if these pills are working either. I'm hoping it's like things get better or things get worse before they get better.

Because right now you are in a free falling. In a dark place. Ha ha ha ha ha fall in a dark place In a dark place, and it's all salami you're like one of those fish that live in the dark with that big mouth What a little angler fish that has a little order order an uber eats in the middle the night That's a little Christmas light right in front of them. Can you do can you deliver us to? 10,000 fathoms under the sea 2000 really see the real right by the Mariana trench The real just leave it by the coral the real villain in this story is the front desk attendant because it is

You tried to get badass and she ruined. Yes It is because after the second or third time that your fat ass called her she should have checked outside Like she knew she wasn't around. Yeah, she was probably in the break room sleeping or taking a dump or something like that. Which by the way the men and the women in Pittsburgh that is a big city. What do you mean? Those are big body boys and girls walking around Pittsburgh. It's like a hillbilly aluminum in the water. It's a hillbilly Philadelphia. Bunch of Richard Jules walking around. I don't know who that is. You just had him on your podcast. We have the actor who portrayed Richard Jules. Paul Walter Hauser. Shout out to him. Yes. Got a new movie out right now.

Luckiest Man in America. Great film. Insiders check it out. Sam snuck in last week. You snuck in? It was Passover! I bought a ticket. What are you talking about? I don't pay for shit. Pay for the theater. Did you sneak into the movie, Sam? No. You can't. As a director, you can't be kicked out of the director's guild. No, I always buy, I gotta support the theaters.

IFC, baby. Anyway. Okay. I'll give it to you. So I don't think improv classes are gonna help you You need some a little heavy What a callback hey, buddy, I don't think the yes end It's all to go full Meisner whatever thing you got yeah, why don't you you you're you're an actor right you're an actor

Yeah, why don't you just do method actor of a guy who's not a crazy fucking? Big guy build a trying to clean it up build a project around it. Yeah method actor of a guy who's not a crazy fucking big guy. I'm trying to clean it up. Build a project around it. Just say hey, listen. Can I get some points on the back end? Sure, I'll pay you every week starting now. Listen, I got it. I'm turning over a new leaf.

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and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Back to the show. Back to the show. Okay, alright. From here to eternity. See, as we're talking about it, you were saying that he hadn't eaten. Yeah.

So that's why you asked, that's why Diesel asked me, he's looking at me in the mirror. No, he started it. He came up to me, said anybody you're not you fat fuck do me a favor You had three dinners last night you had two bowls When we got our wraps and then you had a fucking Chinese chicken salad their words not mine and a fucking thing of meatballs And then you and then you're judging then then, and then you're kicking up dust for me. You're muck raking. Listen, I'd make the same- Try to stir trouble up,

trying to take the heat off you. I would make the same argument if I was the big man right now. I'd be also doing a little face throwing. And it's not fair that he's not Mike, but I also would do that as well, so he can't defend himself. Continue the trashing, my friend.

Why didn't you say, hey Foley did a great job yesterday? He only had that because not not ah this doesn't make sense It was suspicious. Well you should as a fellow fat ass you should know that that's why we know it's suspicious because with the three We are fat asses Let's just mind your own goddamn business Worry about me work on your dead skit sketches. Whatever you were doing to sport it Yeah, whatever you say fucking second city shut up Shout out to second city. What could be a hobby for you by bird watching you like bird watching maybe

What about getting back about dudes? Yeah, why don't you start make why don't you make a record or something? They're singing lessons is there a boy Singing lessons? What the fuck is this? They got food there! Ain't no fucking cured meats at the fucking choir. You don't want to join the choir. I know how to sing. Why do I need singing lessons, Sam?

I don't know, you need to get on track. Luke, throw in the disguise! Bang! Luke, hit me! We're treating you like a 1940s actress on like a movie deal? Yeah. What? You know, how they used to like have acting lessons

and singing lessons and dancing lessons. I think it'd be great if you did something innate, maybe you'll, you know, I don't know. Shouldn't it be something involving exercising? Like can we make a bike that would fit you? Like could you get a bike? I think there's just a car. Yeah. You're in it. Yeah. And you're just being hurtful. make a bike that would fit you? But could you get a bike? It's just a car.

You're in it. Yeah. And you're just being hurtful. Me? Tom. I'm trying to be helpful. No, Tom is. I'm talking about a hobby that would make you less fat.

Kill two birds with one stone. Listen. Like bicycling. Exercise aside, I think you need some. I think you need a place to put your. You know, we have we work a lot. We do a lot of comedy. We do a lot of touring.

We do a lot of spots in the city, a lot of podcasts. That is our life. I think you need something else to put your focus on sometimes. That's all I'm saying. I also try to, I struggle with it. I try to find stuff to do. And so I was, that's why I was looking up maybe taking a sketch class. Or doing a scene study class.

Scene study would be good. Getting around like-minded people. Ha ha ha ha ha. Actual artists. Hey, we both tried to eat salami yesterday. We are like-minded people, big guy. Fair enough. I know, I say something outside of the arts.

Outside of performance. Yeah, no, no, no know act that's but I like painting or photography hey sipping paint sipping I want to go hang out a bunch of drunk whores I'll go to the village on the week sipping or to culture I don't fucking know do you like birds? like sucking them Hey, I have a wife Remember we played ten we got those tennis passes last summer We went twice the whole time and fucking I tried to get a volley going and every time this is what a dirtbaggy is He can't control himself. He has to spike it talking from go puff at 2 a.m.

He has to spike the ball really hard. That's not true. We're both really bad at that. No, Tommy. You are the most unathletic human being. I've met crutches that were more athletic than you. I don't know. I just watched you try to golf a month ago.

That was the saddest thing I've ever seen. That's a leisure sport. Put the pads on, cue ball. Tommy, it's saying it about that. He just made it about that week We go out we go out to the tennis courts the time he brought it up and I'm like just hit the ball back and forth Really nice and he's fucking spiking it like my fucking stepson Yes, I could That piece of shit Beaming you He's in the back, you fat piece of shit! Yeah, dude. Fucking brutal. That's not true. We're both just really bad at tennis.

Dude, growing up, our one buddy's dad was this big, fat, tall, like just huge tall guy, right? Big, tall, he must have been like 6'6", fucking 350, just a big, big man. And his dad came in, he was one of the kids that would just tell his dad to shut the fuck up and stuff. Crazy. His dad came in he was one of the kids who just tells dad to shut the fuck up It's crazy bad ass fuck bad ass kid group of kids and his dad came out He's like you eat we were we were at we were across the street and he came out He's like how can you go upstairs you clean your room? You don't talk back to your mom he's screaming at faces turning red Then the kids like fucking not moving it

It just does not give a fuck and he's got a tennis ball Fucking not moving it. It just does not give a fuck and he's got a tennis ball And the dad turns like really gave him a fucking rash and his shit turns around He goes watch this and fucking pegs them right square in the back with it Fucking make like the cartoon tennis ball sound is it was like he got shot He his arms went up each screen right after trying to be like the toughest guy in the world No, he never did they get getting doing great. That's why that kid that yeah, yeah I don't know if I ever told you this but My one gopal was my My one my one Korean buddy in in high school alright, his parents worked all the time so they were

never around. They both worked crazy, busting their ass. As Korean immigrants tend to do. They were first generation, they had just gotten here. I think import exporting they were doing. So we never really saw it. We never really made that. North or south?

I believe south. Or maybe north to get the hell out of There I don't know but made a nice life for himself did very well nice house all that stuff So they were never really around so we never really made a connection with them and they didn't speak any English so We they had two refrigerators They had a regular refrigerator and then a Korean refrigerator with all the good stuff in it in the kitchen. So this is senior year in high school, there's like a snow storm or something like that. We all take acid, it's like a Wednesday night and we're over at his house.

His parents are upstairs sleeping and we're downstairs. So we decide to open up the Korean fridge. Yes. And we start dying laughing. That's, I mean dude, for a high school kid. open up the uh... korean fridge yes and we start dying like that's i mean to do that high school kid a high school kid a fucked up high school kid open up a korean fridge writer i would live now that crazy issue to leave like if i looked at it now i

may be able to identify some stuff like a local be or something like that but it was all like it was like whole fish like in bags and all that kind of stuff I can get all kinds of crazy Korean stuff, right? And we're literally we're passing around we're standing in the kitchen dying fucking laughing And all of a sudden we turn and the light goes on and it's his dad and his little baby sister standing there She's like rubbing her eyes and he's standing there and like the 1950 pajamas You know what I mean? He's got the candle and everything.

Bayonet. And he just goes, in broken English, he goes, go home, please. You guys gotta get out of here. And we all turn and we look at him, and I was holding like a bag of octopus, and when he said... It sucks on your face. And when he said that, I threw it to my one buddy and we all started dying laughing in this guy's face. I would've kicked your fucking ass. Your Korean boy got beat the fuck up after you guys. He got fucking...

He got the shoe, definitely. He got all the beatings they wanted to give you guys. I mean we just laughed in this guy's face for about a minute and a half And then just fucking walked out the garage door. That's a fucking tough one. Yeah, we had a I've said this before we had a My brother's school had a Kid from Iceland in Donnie and he like stayed with different families for like a week or so at a time That's a narc in my school. Why? He's fucking 32. Got a mustache in 10th grade. I never understood that, man.

What? It was like a soccer program, because they were on a pretty good soccer team. So it was like, he comes over. I don't really know. But the whole foreign exchange, did we do that the other way? Yeah. Oh, high school kids?

I don't know. I'm sure. I'm not right at college. I studied abroad, but. We had a couple foreign exchanges. Who the fuck wants to go to Iceland for high school kids? I don't know. I'm sure. I'm not right in college. We had a couple, yeah, we had a couple foreign exchange students. Who the fuck wants to go to Iceland for high school? Fuck that, dude. That's something I can see Tommy doing. Just to get a hot meal in him.

In a warm bed. Stop getting cigarettes put out on him for a couple of weeks. All the classes are in saunas or whatever. Sauna. is a red um sauna um I uh and did this so he got passed around from like family to family for like a week or so at a time and we got him from this like fucking Northeast Philly family the was the mom where's he from again I'm sorry he was from Iceland okay do you know where that is Tom? Excuse me. It's where they make snow cones

It's in the back of the wah-wah It's the walk-in. That's where they keep the milk So like I remember she was dropping them So the mom came drove to my mom's house was dropping him off with his stuff and he you know now You got a bunch of saying at your house. He stayed at our house for a couple of day two or three day I told you this they got him all fucked up on weed and booze and he puked all over my sister's bed I told you that's he woke me up in the middle like fucking 6 a.m. he's like I had an accident I thought I thought he peed so I'm like all right man it's okay how old okay. How old were you? Oh, I was...

If they're 16, 17, I'm 11, 12. Why didn't you wake your brother up? I don't know, he was fucked up. They were up drinking and smoking all fucking night. They look the same. Let the kids sleep it off, you know what I mean? Also, you know my brother. Do you wanna wake me up or him up if you've had an ex? Was your sister sleeping in the bed?

No. Oh, where was she? In college, probably. Okay. So we had a spare room so we were going to move him in and it was a pink room, everything was pink, the comforter was pink, he puked all over the fucking room, dude. Did the peace find out? Yeah, so then we go, all right, shower, I go, just shower, we'll figure this out.

And then he gets in the shower and doesn't put the, I told you, he doesn't put the shower curtain on the inside of the tub. Ooh, that'll get you. So he's in there for like 20 minutes, probably, you know, fucking cleaning the puke out of his hair. He's destroying your house. And dude. Probably wailing on his herring in there. Giving it the old sea bass slap. Doing a little pickling. Wooo! Wee! He did so it starts leaking and my mom was like... I was feeling in my he's.

Remember Big Jay? Yeah. He was doing crowd work with two people from Norway and he went... She was... She was suking our Dukes. She was suking our Dukes. And then Duking Coombe. We didn't even know him then. I know, this is... We had just moved to New York and he was doing crowd work. It was at Stand Up New York on the Upper West Side. These two Jays were suking our Dukes.

Shout out fucking Jason Jason Okerson. Who's special out? Hands down my funniest guy, I mean the funniest guy. Do you guys have nosebleeds growing up? What the fuck? Did you nosebleed when you were growing up? Ryan, pull the van over will you? Hey, phenomenon zippin' will you?

No powder, I think powder powder doughnuts over here fucking green mile mouthful of bees Cuz I slept in my body. I did Jeannie dog tired Now we have fucking nosebleeds we got way in high school You're fucking a limp noodle I had nosebleeds We got laid in high school. I was too busy getting pussy. I got the fuck out of here. Jesus Christ. You fucking limp noodle. I had nosebleeds. So sometimes. Probably from playing in the clarinet or whatever you were doing.

Are you kidding me? Nosebleed. My nose bled up until like. Probably from the radon leaking that dump you grew up in. Up until like I graduated high school. It was like carbon monoxide. It might have been. Your eyeballs were dry.

Because it was up until I graduated high school. All that carbon monoxide. It might have been. Your eyeballs were dry. Because it was up until I graduated high school. Because I slept. He's got black lung in fourth grade. They got to keep a canary in his room? He's got toilet paper in his nose. I used to sleepwalk a lot, too. Sound like a fun guy. What the fuck?

You're making fun of this mad idiot. Sleepwalking with a nosebleed. Hey, Rosemary's baby. Shut up. But hold on, so this mom came over... This mom came over to drop... Donnie off. And she goes... My mom... First of all, none of these people all from Philadelphia have ever met a guy from Iceland.

Sure. You know what I mean? Let alone a teenager figure in this house. He might as well be from fucking Saturn. Gleap Glorp. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. That's North Philly. There's this Northeast Philly, like, stereotypical Northeast Philly. My mom goes, anything I need to know about Donnie? She goes, he eats some weird fucking food. Ha ha ha. My mom goes, what do you mean? he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like He eats a lot of weird fucking food. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe he had some wrapped up in tin foil. I think he was a goats head. It looks like he thought he was traveling with a goats head. Wrapped in tin foil.

He flew. She thinks he got on a commercial flight with a goats head. I don't know. I think it was a goats head. Tommy, why do you have nosebleeds? What do you mean why? I mean it's a medical question Tommy, that's not like You told me you had nosebleeds for most of your young adult life Well I mentioned it because we were talking about sleepover things

So I slept at my buddy Matt Parrish's house one night And I woke up I'm sure he wants this out there And I woke up in the middle of the night And the pillow was covered in blood And it was his pillow That's the beginning of a horror movie Tommy. It's probably him trying to smother you So I went out so there I am levitating Matt wakes up looks over Tommy's floating laying down. You wanna fuck me

So I took the pillow out to my blazer and hit it. Wait what? Your blazer? My Chevy blazer. Wait you were driving at this time? Yeah. I thought you were like nine years old. Yeah I was like 17.

Holy shit. Why'd you, why'd you, you should have just drove away. Why'd you, why'd you just go back in for breakfast after that? But then I felt. You know I could get a couple more hours. Somehow they found out. Yeah no shit. And then his mom was like no it's okay chief bleeds on the pillows all the time. But then I thought you know I could get a couple more hours. I know they found out you know shit And then his mom was like no it's okay chief bleeds on the clothes all the time

There's his older brother chief you also had nosebleeds He had an older brother named chief Matt Matt's brother did I guess that was his nickname man, but yeah Yes, I only know the game knows your part of town But yeah, oh god funny yeah Um, but yeah, oh god. It's all fucking funny. Yeah Yeah, I don't know me and my nose bled a lot. I I get them in that I get them in that in that New York I get them seasonally probably one or two a year Maybe plus I do a lot of digging up there at certain times a certain times of the year Yeah, catch a bad bag and they once in a while they dry out in the New York City apartments

And when I first moved to New York York I was sleeping on my buddy's floor and I Was when I was like real fat too. I Woke up. I had a nosebleed typically I've got if I get him at night and then in the winter with that heat you wake up kind of right away You feel it dripping. I didn't wake up one time time, dude. I woke up, my face and hair were covered. I looked like Pesci at the end of Casino when they throw him in the cornfield. Dude, I was fu- I didn't really know.

I thought like, I'm like, what is it? And dude, I turned the light on in the bathroom. Fucking Bloody Mary. He's tasting pennies and shit. I never understood it. It was always a weird kid that got a nosebleed in a clip. You gotta cop your head back real quick. Also, yeah, you'll just be talking to a chicken, your nose will start bleeding. What the fuck? That's crazy, dude. Yeah, I don't know. It just stopped eventually.

That shouldn't be happening. Maybe that's why you're so stupid. Hey, stick to the camera, dickhead. Fucking... Looking the zingers in. That's why you're so stupid Hey stick to the camera dickhead In his fingers in Good to voiceover later Yeah, I haven't left like that in a while. I was fucking good But you never got a bloody nose like you know never started bleeding no what?

That's not that crazy of a question. That's weird kid shit never got anything like that. Oh Do you ever, oh you know it's a funny look too. I got poison ivy a lot. You know what I used to do too. Warts, I got warts. Jock it. Webbed feet. You know what's a tough look when your nose is bleeding too? You put a little bit of tissue in your nose.

Hey this isn't loser hour, Tommy. There's fucking chicks that listen to this thing. When you just got the, you got a little tampon in your nose. You know when you're 16 and your testicles still hasn't dropped? And all the kids are making fun of you in gym class calling you one ball nose bleeder? We only had gym in 9th grade. You only had gym in 9th grade?

I believe so yeah. Did you go to school in a trailer? Archbishop John Carroll, they knocked it out in 9th grade. Wait you didn't have gym? All of your gym class was in 9th grade? Yeah in high school yeah. So you didn't have gym in 11th grade I didn't have it in 10th 11th or 12th. Is this why you're bad at tennis?

Were you in all normal classes Tommy or did some of your classes have two teachers? No, I was in all normal classes, and I did poorly on the hold his head back for the nosebleeds But no yeah, yeah, I don't know they yeah, they only had Jim in ninth grade at Archbishop Carroll. It's a good school, too. And Tommy, what'd you get on the SATs? 1140. OK.

Pretty good. Not too shabby. I think 1130. I juiced the numbers a little. 1130 or 1140. That ain't lying, you're trying, baby. But I think we got to wrap it up, baby. We're about an hour outside of Cleveland.

Little Kipurino's got to take a tinky-tinky. Tommy got his period in his nose. Yeah. Gang we love you see you back at Tooties. Peace! you