Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Liza Treyger: Russian Doll

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with their pal Liza Treyger. Its a hot one! Thanks for listening, love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows Merch Drop: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Stamps.com PROMO CODE: GARBAGE https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE https://www.Decked.com/GARBAGE garbage.MyFitnessPal.com Promo Code: GARBAGE  Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

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Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Sure is.

It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're going to be classy, ours are just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antoni's basement. She's off to Tampa. For what? First class.

For what? Well, she heard Tom Brady was handing out Bitcoin. Ooh. So she's going down to get her hands on it. I said, I think he only does that for kids that might be sick. And she's like, well, and I'm like, you don't look sick. And she's like, yeah, but if I'm an 11-year-old, I'll look terrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we'll see how it works out. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Unamused this week. Big strikeout on the 2D update. That was a long one, OK? Typic, dude, your wheelhouse is short and sweet. I love them.

Part two, you've got to see it next week. Ladies and gentlemen, he is the CEO of RU Garbage. He's an international businessman. He is not to be trifled with in the boardroom. You can ask the boys at Enron that. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, gang. Happy to be here.

As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe. On iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are true to roof. Fucking cooking, baby. And then the greatest website of all time. Shout out to Al Gore for inventing the internet. Yes.

Shout out to the Yam family. The Conti family for inventing. Shout out for their parents getting hopped up and banging and making those two. And coming up with patreon.com slash RU Garbage. You can sign up. You get bonus episodes, fucking content, videos, live shows. There's tons of shit on there.

Get involved. Let's go, baby. We're going to Disney. Going to Disney. We're going to Disney. I think it's like 300 more people. And I've got to take Fatty to Disney. I'm Fatty, because anybody's wondering.

And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire. He's the magic man. He makes us all look good. He does the ones and twos. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen. What up, dudes? Hey, T-Bone. I'm stoked.

We got a Chicago legend. That's Chicago. Chicago. Talk about making your bones down there in Rosemar. Toby's bums. What happened? Gang, we could not be more excited to have our Incredibly. And I mean Incredibly special guest here with us today

for the first time. She is a very funny standup comedian, actor, and podcaster. You've seen her in Horace and Pete, The King of Staten Island. Wow. Pause with Jim Sam Jay. Adam Divine House Party. Oh, boy.

Chelsea Lately, comedians and public. She has two comedy central half hours. You've seen her on At Midnight, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser. Late Night with Seth Meyers. This is not happening. Funny as hell, what's your fucking deal? Comedy knockout. Goddamn.

The degenerates on Netflix. Lights Out with David Spade, your mom's house. She was one of 2017 Variety's top 10 comics to watch. She has an amazing podcast called That's Messed Up and SVU podcast and a fantastic album called Glitter Cheese. But the big question of what is mine today, is she garbage? She broke the coat hanger when she came in. That was well-constructed by me.

Give it up for Lisa Traeger, everybody. I choked on Glitter Cheese. Goddamn. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I like the hard stuff myself. I love mozzarella man. That was really nice to hear.

Thank you. Sometimes, you know, you're like, oh my god. You're watching me. I felt pressure. I'm sorry I messed up Glitter Cheese. I just couldn't believe I've done all that. I'm excited. Even when you said actor, I'm like, OK.

She gave you the face and I'm like, oh, maybe some of these aren't right. Like, she was looking at you. You said it, couples. She's like, what? I'm like, I don't know. Maybe. 125 episodes of E.R.

You were on E.R.? Holy shit. That's so cool. You're a big deal. What do you talk about? I remember we got to the city. Yeah. I know how we met.

I remember we met at the Greek restaurant. No? You and I? Didn't you work at the Greek restaurant? I worked at a Greek restaurant. I had a meeting there with someone fancy. And I think she was a regular. And you were our server.

Wow. Oh my god. I do remember that. Yeah. That's right. It was you, Dan Soder, and Dan Saint Germain all had meetings. No. With that same person.

Oh, yeah, OK. Scattered right now. You weren't together. No. I remember I met Dan Saint Germain. It was you, Earthquakes, Seinfeld, Hamburger. I don't know if you'd want to. Yeah, I met Dan Saint Germain.

And he was like eating a loaf of bread. And he had crumbs in his hair. And I was like, I don't want to. No, you guys all had taken meetings there. That was a odd spot, because it was right around the corner from Comedy Central. I completely forgot about that. Oh, then how do you think we know each other?

No, I'm saying when we got to the city, you were like a huge deal. You're moving and shaking. That's all. Just giving you a compliment. I know it's cool. I like how you were giving her a compliment. She's like, weren't you my waiter one time?

You were like, we moved up here. We saw Lisa Trigger, one woman's show. You never brought me that cider ranch, did you? It's a good spot. It was, yeah. I loved that lady, too, that you were there with. Yeah, she has a blood hat, like the dogs with the big ears that flop.

And I like that. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, very, very cool, very cool person in the industry. Yeah, yeah. Was running Comedy Central a little while and not doing big things. Loved her.

She was always sweet to me. She's not watching, right? I loved you, yeah. Always gave her 10% off. Call me, we'll do lunch. I know a good spot. Yes, thank you. Buddy, thank you for coming in and sitting with us.

What is the origin story of Lisa Trigger? So I was born in the former Soviet Union. Nice. On the Black Sea. Who says it like that, either? I think you're waiting for her to come back. Keep an eye on this kid. I don't like the sound of that.

I'll tell you why, because I'm Russian, but it's present-day Ukraine. And so sometimes if you say, like, I'm from Russia, and then someone's like, no, that's actually in Ukraine, and then you have to be like, I know, but I'm not Ukrainian. And then so I just, I think it's easier to say former Soviet Union.

OK, so your family wasn't from the Ukraine? We are, but we're Russian. You know, like, no one got along. We came on religious asylum. OK. We're like Russian Jews. So I don't know. You can't hear.

I had no idea about that. You can't hear? I came to Chicago. Wait, so you moved when it was the Soviet Union? Yes. We came in 90, and I think the Soviet Union broke apart in like 92, 93. Fucking old school.

I like that. Yes. So then we came here, you know, we were poor. I'm even more intimidated of her. Why? That's crazy. Wait, why were you guys living in the Ukraine if you weren't Ukrainian?

If you were Russian. Because it was the Soviet Union. It wasn't Ukraine at the time. It was Russia. It was just one thing. But it was modern-day Ukraine. It's modern-day, yeah. Were your parents from that era?

Did they move down there from regular Russia? No, I think they're from around there, yeah. And they're, oh man, you're three different kinds of dumb. But I don't know it. And sometimes people who like love Russia will try to be like, have you read this or do you know that? I'm like, I don't need to prove anything to you. I don't know these things.

No. I don't have to have a Russian nesting doll tattoo. But people want to compete. I'm going to get one. That's pretty wild. Yeah, so I have old parents. They were born in 1938, 1945. Whoa.

Your parents were born in 1938? My dad. How old were they when they had you? My mom was 30. 700? I can't do math. But it's up there. Did they give you Confederate money at your mom's?

That's crazy. I didn't even get bombings. I got bombings for that birthright. I refused to go to school. No, my mom was 42. And my dad was 50 when I was born. Nice. But they didn't get married.

I like to hear that, because I haven't had kids yet, and I'd like to. No, you're a dude. You can have kids whenever you want. You can have children whenever you want. OK. Live your dreams. Don't rush into anything.

OK. Sorry to interrupt. Yeah, but then I'm going to be sneaking out of the Soviet Union in the middle of the night with two little kids. He had nothing. 85 years old. In modern day Ukraine. Yeah, trying to shake Putin.

What are you talking about? You've got to be spying. Wait, what? Yeah, so that's them. Oh, but my dad. OK, so it was actually a wild week. So my parents got married. A wild week?

So in 1987, my parents got married August 22. And then August 28, my grandma died, and I was born August 31. OK. That's like insane to me. So my mom was like super pregnant when they got married. And they had a kid. And they left the, they left the, they left Russia together?

Yeah, we left together. How old were you when you left? I was like two years old. And I got here when I was three. So this isn't the same week? Because that would have been that week. No, it was like within the last year or two. But my sister.

Pregnant married, you're born, grandma dies. I know. And my dad just like so closed off. And I want to just be like, how'd you feel that week? Oh, well, he's not. I'm assuming he's not the kind of guy to be like, well. Oh, yeah, those guys are high step generations. Especially those fucking Russians, man.

They're fucking. When they had to do that, he probably got here and was like, I don't want to hear a word out of any of these. Yeah, he just is a really. Yeah, you really got to eat. OK, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, so I do a bit about this now, not to do bits, but my dad was going into heart surgery this summer.

She's all over the place. And I told him I loved him before he went to surgery, would not say it back to me. Really? He smiled. I could tell he liked it, but he just. What does he do for a living? Or did he was a school bus driver?

Wow. And he was really popular. He was super popular. Like the day before Christmas breaks, so many gifts. Garbage bags full of gifts. What did he do in Russia? He was like a P.E. teacher coach. He'd boxed.

He took photographs. He was kind of like a hot slut who like. A hot. I've never heard anybody describe their dad as a hot slut. He was like, huge dick. Guys got a hammer on him. Can fuck for dates. Something you can swing from.

You're nuts. Yeah, my mom chased my dad for decades, I would say. Really? Yeah. And then they had my sister and then he still for 10 years. Older sister. Yeah, 10 years older than me. Wow.

And he like would it. I don't know. He wouldn't settle down. No. So they weren't married when this was going on. No, they lived separate. He kind of ignored my sister for months. I don't know even though she knows this.

My mom got drunk and told me this. But so and then one day she ran into him and was like, you have a camera because they were she my mom was forced. She was like, you need to take photos of your kid. And also your mom should watch the child. I'm tired. Wow. And so then that's how.

Folks, we got a winner here today. I'll tell you that right now. Talking about hitting the jackpot. Listen, you got a camera, you got to be this kid's father. I don't need child support. I need a babysitter and a couple of eight by 10s. OK? That's crazy.

Photoshoots at the playground. Let's go. I see you walking around town with your camera. Take some pictures of my goddamn kid. Let me see that dick. What I see the moneymaker. Let's go see the ruble maker. Come on, let's do it.

Oh, man. Wait, was the getting I know you don't remember this. Was the getting out dicey? Yes, they had to do like. I don't think it was jet blue. They weren't putting the lays on yet. The airport, I would assume. No, they had to take a bus and then they

were in Austria for six months. Yeah, you got to get out of there. You did. You were with them. Yeah, but I don't remember the only memory. My first memory as a human is I fell into like a Koi pound pond fountain in Italy. That's pretty classy.

You're spending time around a Koi pond. That's a little bit of a cat. Yeah, but no, they never bought pizza. I mean, they had to live in like apartment with all these other immigrant families that were sent over. And then we got to America and we had a really cool volunteer family and they taught us how to be American.

That's awesome. And then we moved to the suburbs. My sister. Wait, were they rushing the volunteer family? No. So wait, that's how they set you up. They let you live with the family to get used to the link up. We lived in like an apartment.

We took you to Burger King and shit like that. Yeah. Now what you're going to want to do is. That's actually it. It was like. From now on, you're Bears fans, all right? Yes. First things first.

And the cubbies, not socks. No, I'm a White Sox fan. OK, sorry. Sorry. That's pretty cool. But I don't hate the cubs. So you're starting to know what's going on at two years. You're two years old.

No, I was confused for a really long time. Yeah, like, who's this family? Where am I from? Why are we living here? Yeah, like. Where's that koi pond? Why is this guy's dick so big? He seems like a hot slut.

I know. That was so. No, he just like his youthful photos. He's just like a good looking guy. A tight body on him. He looks like Jude Law. There's just like lots of photos of him out on donkeys and at the beach.

Like he was kind of living large. Like just kind of. He's doing it. Yeah. It's like a trans-am over there. I didn't know any of this. But when the notebook came out, I like loved the notebook. And then my parents went to see it.

My dad came home pissed. And he's like, I don't know why you like that trash. And then went upstairs. And then my mom was like, he's just upset because he wanted to marry a girl, but she wasn't Jewish. And by the way, he's been divorced three times before. And I was like, OK, cool. So I knew about it from the notebook.

Those two seem fun together. Yeah, I definitely. Are they still together? I'm sorry. They are. And it's definitely not an example of what I want in my life. Sure. No, they love each other.

They like take care of each other. But it's like really traditional gender roles. Gotcha. I don't really love that. Gotcha. I'm with you. My mom does so much. We learn from our parents.

What's that? She just does everything. And it's like, you won't even put the plate in the sink. I fucking hate you. Yeah, my mom does a lot too. It's awesome. Yeah. It is, man.

It's fucking awesome. He's even more a little traditional. But did you feel as an adult you didn't know how to do anything? Oh, he knows how to do nothing. That's how I am. Nothing. Took me an hour to get this can of soda. And it was mine.

That's the problem because I'm a grown up and I have hard times doing simple tasks because my mom just did everything. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. I can't blame my mom for that, but I give you that 100%. I feel you on that. Yeah.

I feel you 100%. And I get why they did it. They wanted me to chill out because I had to do so much. But I just like. They felt bad about the smuggling over the water. Oh, yeah, I should show you my little green card photo. It is really cute. I'm so sad.

Yeah. Wait, how long did you live with this family? We didn't live with them. They would invite us over. They would take us shopping. They would like the burger. Like they would just like help us out. They got my mom or job.

They got me like, yeah. They let us know how to do American stuff. You should have applied to Allegiance. That's awesome. And then my sister, poor her, she went to like a Jew high school. So she was like 13 or whatever when she came home. She was a slut too. But she ended up married.

She's triggers party. Holy shit. But she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart. And they met sophomore of high school in there like 43 now. And they really like each other. Well, you raised it. So you guys were raised in a Jewish community? Yes.

We lived in Rogers Park. Like my sister and I slept in the dining room, you know, vibes. And then I don't know what Rogers Park is. Oh, it's a we're sleeping in the dining room. She's like, you know, Rogers Park dining room bed. It's just a super Jewish area of Chicago. I'm a bit close to like where Indian people live to.

We talk about Orthodox. Yeah. What are we rocking here? Is your dad wearing? No, we are not. We're Russian Jews like that. Because religion wasn't really allowed, you know, communism. So we like do the stuff.

But we're not like doing the prayers. OK. It's like culturally. You're like, hey, well, Paul, we'll have the dinners. We'll have the whatever. So it's more moderate because I'm just trying to get a picture. You're not in you're not in like a hardcore Jewish community where like what Ari was kind of went through.

We were not a part of it. But that's where we lived. Like I have gone to synagogues where I was separate. My sister went to like she wore skirts to school. OK. But we in the home are like. Yeah. Gotcha.

But my dad, you know, the closer you get to death, the more religious you get. So he's like he's going to synagogue. Nice. What was the first home? So after the apartment with the dining room. Yes. So that was an apartment.

Yeah. Yeah. We breezed over that. So the first we lived in an apartment on the fourth floor on Mozart and walk up elevator. What are we doing? Stairs. Are we talking in Chicago in the city of Rogers Park?

Yeah. Nice. Which is like the Bronx, maybe it's like super north. I like this. This is old school. OK. Now we're OK. And yeah, it was a one bedroom.

And yeah, I don't know what to tell you. And then my sister and I slept in the dining room in bunk beds. That would be something we'd like to know. Yeah. So then. That's. Oh, you know what you'll love? What Russians do that's fucked up.

We put rugs on the wall because like for heat. And so we have rugs on the wall and then you hang like fun stuffed animals and toys on it and pins. So everywhere we lived, we would have rugs on the wall. With like fun stuff. That's crazy. Bunkers. This is the first bunk bed in the dining room.

All right. So you guys move out of there. Yeah. And then they've been in the same townhouse in Skokie, Illinois, which is super Jewish, but diverse too. A lot of Pacific Islanders, Indian people. There was a hate crime committed there. A Ricky Bird song, the basketball coach from Northwestern was shot.

But I don't know. I brought it up. But that's a hard left. And that was a lot of information from bunk beds in the dining room. You know, the latest at 11. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Boy, you know, Ricky Littlefoot, you're like, what the fuck? He moves quick. I like how you were like, it's Jew heaven. They got woke real quick. What the fuck? A lot of amnesia. I think I'm talking to Two-Face over here. No, that's what that's the vibe.

So this racist lunatic, he went on a racist spree and came to Skokie on purpose because it's like the Nazis March or the KKK would come when I was a kid. After World War II, the highest population of Jews outside of Israel. So like, it's just kind of like a destination for hate crimes. People are going to get away for a weekend. Racist, racist vacation tours. It's like Perillo.

You get a couple of PTO days laying around in the end of the years coming up. Go to Sheboygan. But a nice, a nice area. Nice area. Good community. Yeah. I still love going back to Skokie.

I love Old Orchard Mall so much. Outdoor mall. Old Orchard Mall? Yeah. I have one of the questions we ask is, what is the name of the mall? Well, now it's like Westfield. You know, it's like a fucking bullshit. But we're talking the suburbs of Chicago where you're right outside.

Yeah. Yeah, like the train still comes. Like a John Hughes movie. I'm picturing John Hughes. Yeah. So like the Home Alone houses are like probably like 20 minutes for me or like the Ferris Bueller, that class house. Nice.

All right. Now we got a picture cooking. Yeah. But we lived in a townhouse. But then we each got our own room and I was so sad. Like, were you really? I was like, why wouldn't we sleep together? Like, she was my older sister.

I was so sad. And she's like, I'm a team. Ma, why are you at the building beds in the kitchen? Yeah. I was so sad to have my own room. But yeah. So then, and they still live in that townhouse. And my dad's kind of a hoarder.

So the basement's his area, but it used to be my area. Would you do that? What do you mean? That was like your room? Yeah, not my room. Where was the family computer? The basement. The basement.

Yeah. Like Mavis Beacon, I would do. Like typing. Mavis Beakman, no. She was like a black typing teacher and I would learn how to type fast. Wait, was she a teacher at your high school? No, it was a CD-ROM.

It was a CD-ROM. She also went, she was a black typing. How good do you think we are at this? You know my neighbor, Deb, right? I was talking with your Aunt Clara the other day. She told us some. And it was fun. Lots of kids my age lived around us.

And so like we had a really fun time. Traditional American suburban. But you were in a townhouse. Were you in a townhouse community? Yeah, so it's like a one block or two. If you were to stand alone. If you were to stand alone. Yeah.

Oh, but OK, so it's a row of townhouses. I was talking about one that's like a neighborhood. Well, listen, you know why we picked it? Because my sister, her boyfriend, lived across the street and across an alley. And my parents didn't speak English, so she picked where we were going to live. When did you move in there?

How old were you when you moved in? I would say first grade. So she was 16. And she's like, I want to live here. And that's where we lived. Yeah, that happened. That my sister's best friend growing up was there were Russian immigrants.

And she did. She picked like everything. She was like, we picked the townhouse we moved to. We picked it. Like she was like, I just want to go here. They were like, OK. Wait, is that a cultural thing? They just don't know what's going on.

The parents, they're trying to learn English at 50 or 60 years old. So the 16-year-old's a little more adapted. Yeah, she's like filling out the paper where we're going on employment for that. I mean, still we order for them at restaurants still. It's like really, it's fine. That's awesome.

But they just were confused all the time. But I picked out their bedding, their furniture that's still in their bedroom. I picked it out and I was a child. It's weird. I don't know. They still have that? They still have it.

Whew. Yikes. They have to go retro, right? It's going to come back into style pretty soon. It can be stamps.com, stamps.com, stamps.com. Gang, the holidays are approaching. You don't want to be waiting in line at the post office. Like a bazoo.

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Do you go to what kind of high school did you go to? I went to Niles North. Public high school. Public high school. It was across the street from the mall. Love that. That's like, yeah. That's real John Husey.

Yeah, I loved that. What was your mascot? The Vikings. Pretty good. It's all right. I like it. OK, great. Yeah, the Vikings.

I did, pressure did more sports, but I was a hardcore swimmer and I did theater. Hardcore swimmer did theater. Yeah. Varsity swimming team in high school. Yeah, I broke a JV record. No big deal. Very nice.

What were the grades like? I didn't really care. I don't even remember. I'm not good, I'm sure. Seas? I was somewhat like, I would just go through scan trials. I was just like, I want to have a cadaver. I have things to do.

Did you go to college? I did. Wait, put a pin in that. Hang on, I just wanted to see what I was about to get into. Yeah. What was the SAT? What did you get on the SAT? We do ACT, I got a 22.

I don't trust those. I don't know what that is. That's good, though. It's bad. I thought it was out of 24. No, it's out of 35. What the fuck? Why isn't an SAT for everybody?

Yeah, it's out of 35. The CT, whatever it is. ACT. Get out of here with that. Did they even teach that it's silver? No, they don't do it anymore. They don't really like, that's not weighted as high anymore with the new generation of children.

OK. I have nieces and nephews. Ever get any trouble in high school? Yeah. You seem like a rule breaker. Yeah, but it wasn't even cool stuff. I was just late to a homeroom all the time. So I had a lot of Saturday, and I had a lot of absences and shit.

Did you have a whip? Did you have a car in high school? No. No car in high school? No. Took the bus? My mom would drive me. OK.

And pick me up. Maybe I'd walk. I don't know how I got home. Now, your dad was a bus driver. Did your mom work over here? Yes. She was an accountant at a company or nursing homes. OK.

And she worked in a cubicle. She worked hard. And she has my personality. And she got into a lot of fights at work. And it was pretty fun. But I like visiting her and stuff. Dad was a bus driver all the way through. Yes.

So you guys were to your devices when you got home from school. What? You guys were by yourself. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sorry. I was like, what devices?

Wait, then they're making car bombs or something? Yeah, I was home alone. So I'd go home. I had to make a Celeste. Well, high school's different because I was on the swim team. We practiced in the morning and in the night. Gotcha. OK.

But I went to school. You go home, make a Celeste pizza. Make a Celeste pizza. And then we would all go outside. In the microwave? Of course. Yeah. And I still crave it sometimes.

And that family really did a number on you guys. Man. You walked in hard. You didn't have the Rockefeller show when you had to be Americans. Come home from school, microwave a Celeste pizza. Watch Ronald Reagan movies for two hours? No.

Yeah, Power Rangers. I really loved. But yeah, and then all the kids would play outside. Gotcha. And we'd ride bikes and shit. That's all pretty sweet. Yeah, I had Katie, Gary, Benji. That was like the main crew.

What was the name of the grocery store your mom went to? We went to Jewel Osco. Shout out. Gotta go to. Back in the damn Buick. Gotta go to Joel's. Chicago. Legend.

Now listen, can I say something even though it's early in the game? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's bonkers. No. Bonkers. I'm not seeing pretty classy so far. Bunk beds, dining room.

That's it. We always said that that doesn't count. That's an immigrant situation. They're coming over here. They're starting out. That's the best they could do. They're going to Jewel Osco. The mom's going to count.

I mean, for a while. Celeste pizzas. Come on. They ain't going down to Marianos. No, but we didn't have Marianos. I mean, we did go to Aldi and it really humiliated me for a long time, but then once we were in Skokie, we were a Jewel Osco family.

You think Aldi's bad? I used to be really embarrassed about it. Really? Yeah, I was like for poor people, and I would like try to hide the labels and stuff when I was a kid. My mom goes to Aldi now for Celeste. Yeah, well Aldi's different now.

Yeah, it's like trendy now. It's cool. Oh, really? My brother-in-law loves it, and for his birthday, I got him. I found him a quarter holder that was knitted an Aldi logo so you can have a little quarter key chain. They were doing that back then too with the fucking farts?

Yeah, oh yeah, always quarters with the cards. Really? Yeah, so I got it for him, and he was like, I can't wait to post this on my Aldi Facebook group. And he loves Aldi. He loves Aldi. Sister got herself a winner, huh? No, he is.

He's actually like a real old American guy there. Sounds like a real treat this one. He is. It's his happy place. Like he goes alone to Aldi, and he loves to get. He's really good at poker. There's no bars in his area, or bowling alleys. He's got a skateboard?

I like to go to the supermarket to cool off for a little while. That guy's going to kill people, OK? They got the beans came in today. Just bothering guys on a loading dock? Ah, new checks mix, huh, Jerry? God damn it, dude. I told you I'm at work. Get out of here.

No, that's nice. That's great. And my sister lives three blocks away from my parents right now. Nice. Gotcha. What does she do? She is a teacher at a Jewish school.

OK. And then he does, like, I don't know, tech, computer, project management. I have no idea. That's good. They do good? They do good. Yeah, they have a house, and one of their kids just

went to college, and the other two are still there. Yeah, I think they're doing good. OK. Now, what is the college situation with you? OK. There was a little bit of an eye roll there. It wasn't an eye roll. It was just so I went to Iowa State for advertising.

OK. And then switched to sociology. And then I unfortunately did get arrested twice in one month. For what? Being a drunk bitch. Yeah. So what? Tax evasion.

What do you think? Yeah, I know it wasn't white collar. I was asking. It was probably a fucking B&A or something. Surely beat up a cop at a fraternity house or something. I did. I shoved as an officer. Oh, my god.

I shoved an officer. Ah, man. We're too good. That was too obvious. Yeah. For sure. Now, what were you drinking in these days? So the first arrest, I don't know.

What was the go-to? Did you say Iowa or Iowa State? Iowa State. Iowa State University. All right, so big football school to big campus. I got kicked out of the first football game I went to. As a freshman? Yeah.

She had an interception, too. Was having a good game. His motherfuckers wouldn't let me shine. Let me be great. Too much celebrating in the end zone. You know what I mean, boys? Oh, my god. What did you get kicked out for?

I was just wait. I just was wasted. I think I took my skirt off or something. I was kind of why I did a drink. I was like wild. I don't know. I really party. Were you like one of those girls you would like,

could you be like chugging, like drinking out of like a bottle of Jack? Or were you like, I would do the bag of wine? No. We would do, and even up until my early 20s, I like, we would play Circle of Death with a bottle of vodka. So we'd get like a handle of vodka, and then like whatever girls we were with, we would drink it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a circle. And then go out. Damn. Yeah. So I was vodka, I think, throughout, call it. But then the second arrest, we chugged Parrot Bay. The rum?

Yeah. That's what got me. I'm a Captain Morgan man myself. Well, I wasn't proud of it. Sure. I don't think I've ever heard of it. Did they sell that like drug stores? Yeah.

Gotta go to Jules. Yeah. Oh, I love jungle juice. Like, that was always fun. Oh, that was the best. Have you ever made your own Jell-O shots? Um, no. But I have soaked gummy bears.

No, I don't like to do stuff. So like Jell-O. You got to do the fraternity. You made a shitload of those. Jell-O shots is too much. It's a lot of work. Yeah, I don't need that. No, I agree.

I've hosted things with other people, and they've taken care of the Jell-O shots. Sure. Arrested twice in college. Yeah, so then I had to draw. So I had to go home, and then I went to. What year are we talking? Sophomore year.

Sophomore year. I went home. And then I had a lot of fun. I was a receptionist at a hair salon, and I loved it. It's really. Stay living with your parents. Living with my parents. You do have very receptionist at a hair salon energy.

Yeah, I was so bad. I was so bad. Probably real sweet, but if somebody gave you attitude, it was going to be a problem. Yeah. And I took care of my girls, you know? I'm Mother Goose-in-the-Shit, OK? But who are your girls?

The people who treat me, like, if I could squeeze in an appointment, I could find something. I'll change a lunch break. Like, I will get you the most money that you can make. Like, I'm really passionate about salon receptioning, and I did it for a long time. OK. And a few different salons.

I think, like, if everything fails. Go back and do that. I think so. It wouldn't be a lot of men, but that's, like, what I. That's what I'm good at. We enjoy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.

That's who you think your specialty is. Yeah, the software, the Millennium Salon Software. They might have upgraded that since your time in the trenches. No, because I remember I started working at a new salon, and I was training. And then I was asking such intricate questions, and they were like, you don't have to train. You seem stellar.

And I was like, yeah, I can make appointments. OK. So salon receptionists. Yeah. And then I went to Columbia College, which is not really like a real salon. Where's that at? I'm sorry?

It's like. The one in the city? Here? No, not Columbia University. I can't believe I'm being laughed at like this. Columbia College? It's in Chicago. It's like, it's like.

Right next to Portillo's. It's a fucking fake school. Yeah, it's a fake school. It's like an artsy community college. So you can go into like music production or something. And don't feel bad. This man was homeschooled. He was homeschooled.

I wasn't home. I just didn't go to middle school. It's different. Yeah, see? Yeah. Yeah. So Columbia. Just a semester.

I still got my feet wet. I don't want to come in. Trying to stick up for you. She's trash. So I lasted there three weeks. And then, well, I went into music business, and I'm truly tone deaf. What did you really think, like music,

you thought you were going to be like the next Dr. Dre? Like, what was it? I thought I was going to like work at the Metro. Like, I thought I was going to work at a venue. I don't know. I like wanted to work at a venue. But I'm tone deaf. I'm just truly.

These guys are awesome, huh? It's a trash truck. So that was like a weird moment in life. And I also had a suspended license. So I was like taking the train. For what? For that first arrest I was drinking and driving. I actually had to take a Greyhound bus back to Iowa

and serve two days in jail. And I am upset. Yeah. But I had to do it. Damn, that's hardcore. It's a bad remake of Goodfellas. Take you to jail to a fucking bus driver. Also, Columbia College has an acceptance rate of 90%.

Yeah. Everyone can go. And then, but my next college gets worse. So then. There's more college? Yeah, I ended up graduating. I graduated from my parents. I do have a lot of immigrant guilt.

I really have to do good or something. But I went to North Park University. It's on the north side of Chicago. And it's a Christian Evangelical Swedish Covenant College. And I went there to be a gym teacher. There's a lot of adjectives. What the hell was their mascot? Say that one more time all the way through.

What was their mascot? I don't know. But they like. It was a meatball on a cross. They suck. Swedish. Took me a second. So that is a good piece of business.

Wait, so you're going to be a gym? You're all over the map. Music production. Gym teacher, hair salon. What was the two majors at Iowa State? Advertising and sociology. You shoot for the stars, though. I'll tell you that.

I'll give you that. I don't know. Gym teacher's a little. She really went slummin' it. I know it was weird. But I was just like, you know, I'll get summers off. And then so I just went there because my favorite gym teachers went there.

Gym teacher would be awesome. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially in like a good school in a good area. Those guys make cash. Yeah. Yeah, it just wasn't my passion, obviously. And then I did find stand up at 21 while I was there at college. So then I switched to sociology and just like finished it out

while waitressing and doing stand up. Were you living at home at the time? Yeah, I lived at home most the time I did comedy. And then I had a I lived in the city for a bit. And then I just like went back home. So that's nice. You can get back and forth from your mom's your parents' house to the city to do your thing.

Yeah, that's right. And stand up. Yeah, and I had a car. And that's when people bitch about LA traffic. They're like, oh, that's far. I'm like, I'm just kind of used to driving like a half hour of 40 minutes. What was that car?

I had a oh, I had a cute car. I had a Nissan Versa hatchback and I really loved it. Kippy, anything on that? Yeah, hatchbacks are never good. I was going to help you take that. Hatchbacks are bad news. I've never heard of a Versa's. Oh, I've read it.

Really? Yeah, it's one of it's like when you go like give me the economy. It's not a maxima. No, it looks like a roller skipper. I have a Nissan set. I loved it. Yeah, no, I've driven Versa's a lot of times. It's typically what you get when you rent a car.

They're like, you'll get like the Nissan Versa or something similar. Yeah, I drive a Sentra now. Oh, that's nice. I'm a key a man myself. Really? It was the only they were my car. My credit's so bad.

It was the only people that would give me a car. Oh, wow, OK. Yeah, so then that's it. And then I grew up. Well, my friend, who's still my best friend now, she worked at that college and I had three more credits and I would have to do another semester and she worked in student records and she changed stuff.

So I got to graduate. So then I got to do a surprise graduation because my and so my sister was like, we're going to a restaurant. You didn't have enough hours to graduate. I did. It just fucked up with all the transfers, not everything transferred. And she did believe in her heart that I deserved to graduate.

And so do I. And she showed a lot of ingenuity setting up that scam. So zip it, you. Throwing your file in a fire. We got pictures in the graduation party. All right, she graduated. Yeah, I graduated and then I surprised my parents. So my sister's like, we're going to a Russian concert

and then took him to the McDonald's by the college and then I showed up in a cap and gown and they were really happy. Out of McDonald's. Just across the street and then I got to graduate and they were really happy. Did they then go to the graduation ceremony with you? Yes.

OK, so it was the graduation ceremony for that college. Yeah. The northern Christians. Yeah, Swedish. Pizza place. Not the domination. Yeah. So you found out so they thought you weren't going to graduate.

They just were worried, you know, because I also got arrested a third time. To that point, would you? They had plans for the day on the day of graduation to go somewhere up there. OK, so you weren't graduating. No, my sister was in on the scam and so she said they're going to a Russian concert.

Yeah. Damn. It was cute. Yeah. And you had to change the grades and surprise your parents. Not the grades, just credits. Just making credits now. Sure.

And then I loved sociology. And then I just that's it. And then I've just been doing stand-up. And like, you know, I waitress. Then there was a backup nanny. Then I had a full time for a little bit. It's quite detailed. Yeah, it's a fucking.

Yeah. Do you guys ever go home now? Does your parents still have family in modern-day Ukraine? No, they have some friends. And like, there's like an ex-wife. My mom has a grand kid there. And it's like, yeah. But.

You're trying to help her. She's burying herself. Well, yeah. Basically, no, there are some friends. And my sister's gone back. My parents have no interest of going back at all. And like, I don't really love Russian people. Like, I was nervous to go.

You and me both, sister. Yeah. I don't want you coming in. Yeah. They're just like, I would be scared. I would be scared. I don't want to be there. Sure.

I'm with you 100%. I don't know if they're like Jews. I want to eventually go, but I'm not in a rush to run to Putin's. Do you speak Russian? Yeah. Fluently. Yeah, but I wouldn't be able to go to college,

but I could talk to people that are, you know. Do you speak any of the languages? No. Russian's pretty hard, though. That's pretty good. That's a tough one. She speaks two languages, kippy. Yeah.

I'm glad. I feel like this is. She also wants to 15 different colleges, all right? Arrested nine times. Soda road scouts. Cheated to get her to take what? She wants to get her well-reven education, what do you want?

Yeah, sociology and gym teacher. Well, that's why when people are like, oh, do your immigrant parents feel like, what do they think about comedy? I'm like, they were like, really? They were so happy that I found comedy, because I was just out of control, and then it was all focused.

They just knew where I was. That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah, so they were really happy. OK. I love it. Yeah. All right.

Is it too quiet? No, no, no. This is where we shifted into the proper question. Where do you live now? You live in the city? I live in Highland Park in LA. OK. I was living in West Hollywood.

That's your main residence? Yeah, for right now. And you said you had the car? I have at least a car. Nice. Solo or do you have roommates? I live alone. Live alone?

Yes. Not too shabby. Do you rent or own? I rent. OK. Yes, I rent. OK. What's the credit score?

Like in the 700s. 40? Yeah. How many credit cards do you have? Just one right now, just for Delta miles. OK. Amix? No way, Amix.

Amix. The Delta Amix. Yeah, I have that. But yeah, I'm pretty good now, and I try not to get into trouble. But my big thing was I love getting no interest for one-year credit cards, and then going wild, and then paying it off before the interest hits.

OK. That's what I do. Man. She's kids a grifter on top of that. No, it's not. I fucking love this. Yeah, I fixed a couple of things. Moved a couple of credits around.

Met him to McDonald's. Bing boom. I'm a college grad. All right? Yeah. Kippy, let's talk about Debt. Debt.com? Debt.com.

We got a lot of people out there that drives trucks. Yes. Something I've always said is garbage when you have one of those things over the back of the truck. The enclosed cab. The enclosed cab. But if you've got tools and stuff like that, you don't want to take them in at night.

You don't want to leave them out there. Somebody will grab them. This is where Debt.com can help. Yeah. Debt drawer system is weatherproof, and it protects and secures all your stuff from other nature, who can be a real mother. You get it?

Debt makes organizing, accessing everything you need so much easier. I got they gave us one. I sent it down to my stepdad down there. He's loving it. Oh, buddy. It's like, yeah, you got your drill over here. You got this over there, your nuts and bolts,

whatever you need. You got an extension cord. Always need an extension cord. And one thing I know he's probably jazzed about. Made right here in the good old US of A. It's so easy. You go online. You go, hey, I got a Ford F-150.

What year is it? What's the length of the bed? They thought it all. They got it all to ship it right to the house. Bingo. And then you boom, boom, boom, snap it all in. It's easy peasy. Because if you got one of those cabs, man,

you're the in an Amber Alert, you're the first guy getting pulled over. Yeah. If you work construction, plumbing, heating and air conditioning, electrical, we got a lot of blue collar guys out there. Debt.com. They could benefit from Debt.com.

Protect your stuff like we did with Debt. Get your Debt drawer system at Debt.com slash garbage and get free shipping. That's Debt.com slash garbage for free shipping on your Debt drawer system, Debt.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. Kip, let's talk about my fitness pal.

My fitness pal? Yeah, I don't mean my fitness like you're my pal. You are my pal. But I'm talking about my fitness pal. Wait, your fitness pal? Anybody. My fitness pal. No, well, could be yours.

My fitness pal. If you got a little cash on you, you're going to buy some merch. Again, you got to check out my fitness pal if you're trying to lose weight, if you're trying to watch calories. Absolutely fantastic. Yeah, the big man, as you know, you're starting a health journey. You're using this as a tool.

You got the meal plan. You're walking right the whole nine yards. And the good thing about my fitness pal is it's not a rigid diet plan. Instead, you gradually learn from personalized data what works for you, right? Because your idea of health is a little bit different than mine. Everybody's body is different.

Everybody's body reacts different ways, you know? The keto, the carbs, the this, the that. There's different things that are good for different people. And my fitness pal can help you decide that. Yeah, they have a premium membership. You get tools, expert guidance from, you know, exercise experts, doctors, the whole nine yards. And with my fitness pal, you're not going out alone.

You'll have access to a guided daily workout and meal plans written by dietitians, exercise scientists, plus support from other members who share goal. Just sounds like a gym teacher. Blowing a whistle. My fitness pal does way more than count calories for a limited time they're offering our listeners three months of their premium membership for free.

Whoa, what? Back it up, beep, beep, beep. If you're already a member, no problem, you can still claim the offer. These guys are giving it away. Holy cow. Yeah, get your premium membership by going to garbage.myfitnesspal.com,

use promo code garbage to get three months for free. Three months. That's garbage.myfitnesspal, M-Y-F-I-T-N-E-S-S-P-A-L.com, code garbage, garbage.myfitnesspal.com, now back. To the show. To the show. Ooh. I like to dabble in low-interest rate credit cards.

So what are your interests? What do you like to do? All right, Amex though. Yeah. Classy. Classy. What's the limit are we talking? I don't know. Come on.

Ballpark. I bet it's like 10 or 15 grand. That's good. Holy shit. And I always pay it in full every month. That's great. What you gotta do? Yeah.

We're trying to get better. We're trying. Ours was famously 500 and 200. Now I got a capital car with a G-Hot on it. I got a demo car with 25. Maxed out to the brim. Those idiots are giving money away. I can't put another nickel on this thing.

But I don't know how to, but the thing is my parents did pay for my college and I think that kind of sets you up a little bit. Sure. I don't know what their vibes are. Yeah. Focked me up. Focked me up.

Now my parents paid for that shit too. I'm still an idiot. Okay. Yeah. I'm bad with money and I don't know how I keep finangling. That's why comedy is great. It's like every time I'm down and I'm like, oh my God, what's gonna happen?

I get a call and I'm like, great. It's like kind of like drug dealer money. I'll make it all back tomorrow. I don't care. Let's burn it. Yeah. Yeah. Spend it, not to spend this cut.

You know what I mean? And then every time I'm about to learn a lesson about like spending money, I just get a check. Yeah. I'm like, great. You're not a saver. Are you a saver? No, I'm really focused.

I think my next big thing, I'll try to like put it in a raffle or something. I just said I'm getting my shit together January 1st, 2022. No, I love stuff and I love spending money and it's really, I can't stop. And I thought the pandemic would help me because I did get fucked over during the pandemic,

but it just hasn't and I keep just going wild. My new thing is I love sending bottles of champagne to people. Wow. I love that. Wow. Just out of the blue? No, it's like if it's someone's birthday

and I can't be there, I'll call the restaurant and I love to send a bottle. Wow. It's like my favorite. Holy shit. It's fucking Joe Pesci. That just blew my mind. Yeah, so I've been doing that.

That's the clancy of shit I've ever heard. I think right now it's nothing, nothing. It's zero shit. That just nulled out. That canceled out everything. You call up and you say, hey, so-and-so's there. Yeah. Send a nice, what are we talking about here?

No matter. It could be fucking Apple juice. He's still doing it. The last time it was like, you know, I'll just couple hundred, hundred? No, under 200. Under 200. Yeah, and then you tip and then for a hotel,

if it's someone's hotel, you have to like fill out a third party authorization form or something. It's like more annoying, but I like to send it. Wait a minute, hold on, hold on. A friend of yours is at a hotel for their birthday. You're not in the city. You're getting champagne sent to the room? Yeah.

So when they walk in, it's waiting there? Yeah. Oh, you're fun. You are fun. That's a good time. Wow. Holy shit. That's a hoot, man.

Yeah, I love that. I'm gonna start doing that to you. That's fucking classy as shit. I'm gonna send you chocolates and shit. I've done the move once or twice in my life where somebody was there and I paid the check and left. I love that. I've done it once or twice.

I've had, it was for my birthday, it was my brother's girlfriend, it was my 18th birthday or 21st birthday. My brother's girlfriend at the time, we went to LA, we landed and she couldn't go. So when we got there, there was a bottle of Kettle One or something. They were like, we like checked in,

they knocked on the door. I literally thought I was in the mob. Like that's how fancy I felt. Yeah, it's the best. I still think about it. It was fucking 20 years ago. You smacked the guy around. What'd I tell you about bringing this to the room?

I was like, we don't have to tip on this, right? That was taken care of. That's a bad move if you send someone a bottle and don't tip on it. You got to tip. Yes, of course. That is classy. Always 20%.

That is classy. Yeah, and you worked in the service industry so you know what's up. Yeah, I just have fantasies. Like I just want to go to places and like paying cash and just like tip hundreds of, like I just love that. Yeah, it's nice.

It's a good feeling. So then I'll live that fantasy. Like my therapist is always like, if you're doing it in a deficit, you shouldn't be doing it and all that stuff. But so like I'll like live large for a few months and then I'll be like, oh no. And then I got two checks this week.

Well, you're doing it. You're living in a deficit. I do the exact same. Yeah, I just want to have fun. Yeah, it's a good time. That's great. Yeah. Send the champagne, God damn it.

That's fucking old school. Wow. Or if like someone's sad, they're in a bad mood. I'll like, I'll postmates them some milk bar. Like I'll figure, I like to, I like to send people shit. That's a lot of fun. Yeah.

One last question. Ms. Trigger. What, it's last? No, I'm on the champagne. How will you have it sent over to the table? Will you say, what would you like me to say? Well, they go over and say, hey, Lisa wanted to, couldn't be here.

Yeah, I do need the credit. There's no secret bottles of champagne being sent. I like that. Yeah, no, I'd like them to know it's for me. Do you tell them verbatim over the phone what you want them to say or just say, tell them it's from Lisa. Yeah, I'm just like, tell them happy birthday, have fun, wish I was there.

I don't know. See, that's how crazy you are. You want to give back, you want to make the waiter give a speech. You're giving them sides. Runt down a couple of them IMDB credits, do we? Oh, you're nuts. Holy shit.

I'm fucking blown away. Wow. Yeah, I love to do it. I love room service. I just, I definitely, yeah. What was the last time you had a massage? Um, like November 2019. Wow, long time.

Wow, that's years ago. Yeah, that's not really my thing. I only do it on vacation or like, that's not really my thing. You got room service this weekend though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I love eating breakfast, like room service breakfast. You use the towels at the hotel or the,

the robes at the hotel, you getting to one of them? I did, there were no robes, but if there's a robe, I'll wear it, absolutely. Have you ever used it? I'm petrified of those and sorry, room service. I've bought in a robe at a nice hotel before. It was honestly one of the sexiest things. It's like, the robe is nice outside,

but inside it was a terry cloth. So it's cause I hate, I hate drying, I air dry, like it really bothers me. It's just like, I don't want, I'm, you know, I have to take my time. And so this is a robe with a towel on the inside, but like so nice material and outside and I love it. Do you have nice towels and things like that at your home?

No, not really, they're fine. Okay. Like bed, bath and beyond. Okay. Yeah. Target. Brush your teeth in the shower? Yeah.

But I have one, I have a toothbrush in each place. Okay. At the sink and in the shower. Yeah. So whatever I'm in the mood for. Okay. Keeping it in there is not good though. What does this mean?

It doesn't really help you. Yeah. It has a, it has a cover on it. What does that mean? Is it trashy to brush your teeth in the shower? Yeah. I just don't think so. It's fantastic.

I do it all the time. It's how I brush my teeth. It's trashy. Why? Uh. You get to stay in the hot water long or you're just like having a good time. There's certain biological.

It's germs, it's, yeah, there's, it's like, you know. There's germs everywhere. I know, but like your assholes exposed while you're like cleaning your mouth. It's just, there's a lot of mold, there's mildew. Yeah, but what if you're naked when you brush your teeth at the sink? I do, I do it.

I agree with you. I do it. You're preaching to the quiet. You know, but I just don't think it means anything, but you're telling me it is. I mean, you are the professional. We based the show on it, so it means something. It means a lot.

And Toby, cut that. I don't know who this Russian brawl is, but I think she's taking secrets. We got a saboteur in here. Yes, it is garbage to brush your teeth in the shower. Do you pee in the shower? Also garbage. Yes.

But I do it as well. You know why? Because one time I got up. That's the reason you're brushing your teeth in the same place you're peeing. I just don't care. But Madonna, one time on David Letterman, said she pees in the shower

and if Madonna does it, I was like, I'm going to do it for the rest of my life and I don't care. I can see that. That's my excuse when my wife tells me to stop peeing in the shower. I like it. I am easily influenced by celebrities.

Have you ever ruined a surprise party? No, no, no. I love surprises. Okay. When was the last time you went to an outlet store? Oh. Offsacks, Nordstrom Rack. I, not in here.

I don't know. Okay. I've been to a TJ Maxx, but I have spending issues and I picked up all this stuff and then I didn't buy it and it was like a big moment in my life. That happens.

It's like 97% of people. Because most of your spending online, will you order things instead of go to the store? Yeah, I'll do that. Okay. And something we missed. What was the typical Traeger family vacation? Roadtrip.

Oh, this is garbage. Okay. We would take meetings for time shares. This? This? Wait, you would do the meetings on time shares? We would do time share meetings for vacation roadtrips. Oh my God.

Family. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No bottles of champagne there. Where are we talking? No, my dad would,

like we would eat on the road, but my dad would bring a cooler and a food that he brought on his own and he refused to eat restaurant food and he would eat what he brought in the cooler. Really? Your dad didn't eat restaurant food? No, cause he's always like,

your mom makes it bad, I hate that. They just like don't understand going out to eat. What's your mom, what would be one of your mom's specialties? Everything. She's like incredible. She could go time. But I would say like, I love her breakfast.

She's like baby pancakes, rushing a little bit. But she makes like a pierogi, what we call in video, and you can't be like from scratch. She makes the dough, the potato, all of it. Listen. Yeah. Bro's down.

Yeah, you got me. Make a nice borscht? Next time you're in Skokie, yeah, she's a great borscht. Really? Yeah. She'll cook. She pulled herself out of this.

Yeah, she cooks. She knows how to get to the judge up, baby. Yeah. Hey, my mom makes potatoes. You don't change. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Does anyone have any sour cream on them? Yeah.

I didn't even say flamingo. She's a pierogi. Aw. And you're fucking, you got pierogi's on. No, not to the pierogi. I just, yeah, I love everything he makes. But they make their own jams, farmers' cheese. Like they make shit.

So where would you go on these vacations? The Wisconsin Dells. We went to Tennessee one year and we got out. Oh, the Wisconsin Dells is like Vegas, but not. Like one year, I was over 18 because in the Wisconsin Dells, I went bungee jumping. I fed a giraffe. We went mini golfing.

It's kind of like a wild place. They have a big water park. Okay. That's wild. Yeah, those three insane things together. Yeah. Where would you, yeah, where would you, where would you go and have to hear the pitch,

the sales pitch? Would it be in Chicago somewhere? No, you would at the vacate. So like in the Dells, I remember taking a meeting. I don't remember, I don't remember the Tennessee meeting. You act like you're agent called. Ah, yeah, we got to take a meeting by some goober in a red vest.

All the upstairs here and it's about this two bedroom they got. I would say the Dells is a similar vibe to like going down the shore here. It's like a very common. See, that's where I'm confused and I apologize because normally when I think of timeshares, it's like down to Florida, California.

Well, we went to Florida with, and then my mom worked with this Guatemalan family. And so all of them and us got a giant van and we all drove to Disney together for, and we did meetings. From Chicago? Well, I'm sorry, we did meetings along the way. No, just like in Florida.

And then when you do the. We got a buggy. Bastards don't even buy you a lunch. Holy fuck. See, now we're going back down. The only classy thing is I'll give it, the champagne is very classy. Very.

The bag is stacked against her. Man, in a van on a family vacation with another family. Yeah. Yikes. Who's driving? The patriarchs. The fathers. Yeah.

Okay. I didn't know a patriarch. Yes, you did. I was like, oh yeah, I got one of them. Sounded political, I stayed away from it. Let's go back to the toothbrush, will we? It's a family show. We were driving to New York, Niagara Falls.

That's crazy. What else did we drive to? We went to St. Louis, Gross. St. Louis is my least favorite. You went on a vacation to Arkansas. Yes, St. Louis. And then finally, because me and my parents went to the Dominican Republic,

but I was such, I like a dumb bitch teen and I ruined there, I was like a con. Like I feel really bad. I was gonna ask you, next question. I demanded my own room, and so I got my own room in the Dominican Republic and was still a bitch to them, stole their credit card,

I had my sister's fake ID, went to the casino, and like, just was playing. Those Dominican casinos are a good time though. Yeah. I was in one about a month ago. Yes. They're a real hoot. Yeah.

Fucking 90 million pesos playing around. But I was just like mean to them. You ruined the vacation. I ruined the vacation and I'm only working hard so I can make it up to them, but I was a bitch. But we had, so that was like our, that was fun. And then my sister got blessed her. Now she takes my parents, she took them to Israel

and to Italy. Oh nice. And she took them to Mexico a couple of times. Like so she takes them on all the trips. So that's great. Yeah. Because they're very annoying. And so she's doing like a real mitzvah for the family.

That's awesome. Yeah. That's what it's all about. Sorry to get sentimental. Listen, we love that. How often do you check your mail? I hate it. I try not to.

I try not to. I throw it in a thing, but my friend came and helped me organize. So now I have a thing that I can put it in. But I don't like to check the mail. I'm still worried. It's an anxiety box, man. Every time I turn that key, I'm like,

someone's gonna jump out of here and tell them I owe you five grand. But you know what made sense to me? You said something one day when you were like, yeah, I haven't checked it in four months. And you're like, if something was coming, it would have shut off. It would have already came.

It would have called me. The cable would not be on something. The indictment would have been already handed. That'd be in cuffs right now. Yeah, guys and windbreakers would show up, if that was the case. So I'm getting better and better with it. I'm not just giving a fuck about it at all.

I check it maybe once every two weeks and then just immediately, if I'll go, I'll just do this? Yeah. And if there's not like a card from like my fucking Nana or whatever, I just throw it all away. Our checks, sometimes there are secret checks. Sure.

And that reminds me, but like, yeah, I just hate tasks. I don't like tasks at all. Oh, it sucks. Fucking sucks. Elaborate on that. You don't like tasks at all. No, I just get overwhelmed by simple tasks.

Checking the mail. Checking the mail kills me. I can't, like doing paperwork, filling out a full, I just like, I can't do it. Do you have a cleaning, do you have a cleaning person at your age, please? I'm just starting to. I'm gonna have my first,

she's coming November 9th. Lily. Shout out to Lily. So I'm excited. She walking into a buzz saw or do you keep it pretty tight? No, I actually, I have a lot of problems and then my best friend. You don't say.

No, my best friend a few weeks ago flew from New York to LA to help me organize, decorate and clean the apartment. Nice. And so now that I have it at a nice place, I got my girl Lily. Would you say you might have quarters tendencies or no? Yeah, the whole family does.

Really? Yeah, in all different ways. And so, but I'm trying to end it. And so I did get rid of a lot of, like I was like crying, getting rid of dresses. It was like so fucked up. It's weird. But my best friend is like a good person and she really,

she did it. Volunteer to go do that with somebody. That's nice. A lot. Yeah, and she's really good at it. And she's helped me set, like one time I was out of town and she went and cleaned my room while I was gone as a surprise.

Like she just really helps me. You should do that to me sometime. But yeah, I just have lots of outfits. She sent me some champagne sometimes son of a bitch. Yeah, I do buy her luxurious presents at all times. Really? Yeah, like I've gotten our professional friends. What's the most you dropped on a present for somebody?

I would say like 400. Pretty good. That's nice. Did you buy something the first time in comedy? You got a big check. Did you buy something stupid? Was there a big dumb first person? Wave Runner.

A timeshare at the Delves. A 16 passenger van. Oh my God. I don't know. I have no idea. I don't remember. But I for sure bought stuff. I know after the degenerates,

I went to Celine Dion the next day and we went to Nobu for dinner. Love that. I've been there. And then Celine Dion and that was fun. What about in the bedroom? What's the sleeping situation? How many pillows?

Is there a fan on you? What's the story? Fans, four pillows. You're using four pillows. You have a ceiling fan or one on the table? I have a cute, I forgot. It's a cute fan. I have a cute fan.

Okay. You could put me in a room and I could never come up with what a cute fan is. Unfortunately, no matter how cute the fan is, it's still garbage. Really? Fans are garbage. Fans are garbage.

I'm a fan guy. I want a fan guy. I'm a fan guy. And I have one of those. I still got my AC in. Yeah, I have an AC thing that fans do. So sometimes I have it all open. Yeah, I want and I sleep with shows.

I want a show on. You sleep with a show on. Okay. You gotta have the TV on. How many pillows under the head? Is there one between the legs? Are you holding one? What's the positioning?

No, they're all up top. Oh, really? Yeah. That's not too bad. Aristocrat. Yeah. But I love, So you know, the more pillows around the body

would be trashier. Oh, great. Okay, yeah, they're all up top. But I would, my dream is to have more pillows. I always want more. But not for using, just for decoration. No, no, no, no, to use them. I want like a hotel, like, you know, I just want to,

I want a wall of pillows. But they would all remain where the pillows are supposed to stay is what I'm asking. Yes. Okay. That's classy. Yeah. I have decorative pillows on the couch.

Okay. Okay. Pull out couch? Not a pull out. Okay, it's classy. It's leather. It's cute. The couch is all right.

It's actually, it's an amazing couch. My friends, yeah, it's really nice. I got it for 150 bucks though. My friends. Yes. Okay, never mind. Take that. But it's nice as fuck.

No, my friends. You bought a used couch. I don't care. That is, you don't ask that. That was great. What? I thought- As she said, you got it for 150.

Yeah. We were cruising there for a minute. No, it's so cute. People always compliment it. Basically like all the moms in my life, they're always on the mom groups and you can get everything you want on a mom Facebook group.

They're just, it's really connected. So when I was moving back to LA, they just went on the mom group when I got this couch and I love it. Are these well-off people in these groups? Yeah, I would say yes. So it's pretty LA. It is a beautiful couch.

Basically, the mom is like- The mom? Okay. We met the mom. She had like a beautiful home and she was just like, my family wants one of the L couches to lounge. Sectional.

Yeah. Okay, I get it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, sure. But I have a corn stool that's really cute. Corn stool? Yeah, it's like a stool, but it's made out of resin and it looks like a corn. Like a piece of corn with a little bite out of it

and it's so cute. Okay. It's a stool. It's pretty trendy. Ah, it's trash. I don't know about that. It's art, bitch. Yeah, it's design or F.

That's a stool. Well, it's like, yeah, but it is a piece of corn. It's cute. It's really cute. It looks like an art piece. That's something you bought coming out of a cracker barrel. No.

Okay, all right. I actually was sold out at the store that I like to support. Tell me it's not one of these. That's exactly what it is. Oh my God, that's trash. What? Giant corn stool?

It's so cute. Come on. I bought it directly from the manufacturer because I loved it so much and the store I buy it from was sold out. She's so artistic. I mean, it is an expensive stool. I'll give you that.

250. That's a lot for a stool. That ain't no man-a. I can tell you that right now. It looks like a mold for dentures or something. It is cool. It's very real. It's cool.

Yeah, I get you. That is art-y for sure. It looks like it's still trash. But still trash, yeah. Fucked up at a mini golf course. All right. I like pined after it for years. It is cool.

I will give you that. My wife was like, hey, we get that. I would be like, sure. Why don't you wear a ring? Whoa. I don't know why you're attacking me. I'm gonna have to go to the show right now. So we're having a nice time here.

Sitting here shitting on you and your family for an hour. All of a sudden, guns turn on me. All right, I like this stool. Jesus Christ, keep going. Jesus Christ, lady, what the fuck? I just don't, I never. Not for you.

It's not for me and she doesn't care. It was like when I would hold the mic, I would hear it and feel it. Yeah. And then I just took it off. And also I bought it on Amazon for like nine bucks the day before. She doesn't wear one either.

Okay. What? Nothing on that? Come on. Well, it was fine if she didn't wear one. Yeah, of course. Anywho. I do make her stay in the kitchen

and hold her. Wait a minute. I keep making silences happen. Okay. No, it happens all the time. But you know what I do spend money on that my, like I do buy art. I have, I buy art.

Everybody art from a coffee shop? No. I want to start doing that. Maybe in my early 20s. That's garbage. That's why. Maybe when I was at a bar, I would, no. But I buy art.

Do you ever buy anything at the salon? Like products or hair products? Yeah. Of course. That's classy I feel. Is it? Like growing up. We do.

We got to keep our fucking heads down. I meant like that weird comb that they sold at the barbershop. That's not a hair salon, you fuck. That thing that looks like it's for dogs. I don't fuck with that. What's a cone? A cone. It's like a, it literally, it's like a oval

and it's got a bunch of little teeth on it. It looks like a brush. It's like a. Oh, okay. It's not, I don't know what it's for. They've never sold them. Even you could go to the same barber for 100 years and it's still the same three sitting there.

No, that's classy to buy products like that. Yeah. That's real. That's rich guys. I'm getting my hair done on Thursday. Very nice. What do you tip? 20% minimum.

Always. And then if it's around the holidays, maybe more. Just a little more. Yeah. Okay. You're getting that done here. Yeah. I miss my girl.

So that's why I have great, like so much great hair right now and then I'll see her on Thursday. Okay. So you got a spot here. Yeah. It's pretty good. I haven't found an LA like place yet. Really?

Yeah, I've been going, I've, I went to what, I actually went to a woman and she's really cool. Billie Eilish goes there. So this was exciting. She was a waitress at the Irvine Improv for 18 years. Whoa. How fucking cool is that? So she had all these stories and it was really fun.

That's great. So maybe I'd go back to, I don't know. I just haven't connected with anyone in LA yet. Okay. But I have a tattoo shop now in LA and I love that. No Disney tattoos, right? Absolutely not. Okay.

But I have other trade. I have Snoopy. Okay. That's not great. I have a lot of trademarks. Like what? I have the Uts girl. I'll give you that.

Uts potato chip? Mine establishment. Hey, they each their own. Hey, it's one step forward, two steps back. But that step forward really hits home. Yeah. I got the Pringles guy over there. If you have a tattoo of Mr. T on your back, you're in.

Now, and then I have the Redhook Chili Peppers and that's like my most shameful tattoo. Man, that's tattoo step back. It comes in swinging. It's upsetting. What song? Do you have like a? Fucking logo.

I know. But like what song got you into it? California Cation. I love it. I love it. I loved other side. But I love by the way. And then I got into all their old stuff too.

Obviously I became obsessed. But like. For the record, the Redhook Chili Peppers are fucking awesome. Okay. They're awesome. The tattoo aspect. They don't age that well.

I disagree. California Cation was a landmark. I love it. Yeah. You just went underwater. You sounded like Sonic when he went underwater. So you have the design, right? The asterisk looking thing.

Yeah. And it's just giant. The moment I walked out of the shop, I was like. How big is it? It's like this big on my ankle. It's really big. It's probably the worst one I have. All right.

Ever eaten any food in the subway? Like have you ever gotten churros or anything down in the subway? Will you pull that move? I haven't, but I would. Okay. All right. It's okay.

Maybe I bought fruit snacks from like the vendors. Yeah. Okay. You gotta help the basketball team. Come on. These kids are out there working hard. Kids save the speech. Just give me a couple of gushers.

No, yeah. I can't say no to like a gummy candy. Oh, never. Especially those. Yeah, especially the little kids. Yeah. At any point did your family use colored toilet paper? No.

Okay. Do you prefer the jazz or live version of any hit songs? I don't think I have no jazz. I don't think so. I like words. Okay. Do you frequent Hibachi restaurants? No.

No. Actually, when I was, yeah. No, I was at one once and before the food, I was like, we gotta get out of here and we left. Really? Yeah, my friend and I went to Mexico and we were like sitting there. I was like, I'm not sitting with the least people.

I was like, I'm out of here. Any doll houses growing up? No. Okay. Can you name any pets that are Instagram famous? Yeah, I must. I follow a kid of pets. Oh my God.

I follow baby gray. I don't know if I know. What's baby gray? Oh, the thank you, mama. His mom makes beautiful. Oh yeah, little kid every time. Thank you, mama. Oh, it's a cute little kid.

Yeah. That mom can throw down too. Oh yeah. She's all over the place too. All different types of cuisine. Everything. Fantastic. So much.

Yeah. It's like, I just am obsessed with him. Yeah, Mr. Grumpy Cat. Grumpy Cat, but he's dead. I don't know if that matters. Rest in peace to a real one. Bubbles? All right.

I like animals. I will Teddy the Shetland. Oh, the Shetland pony. I love him. How could you not? There's one Shetland you're gonna follow. It's gonna be seeds. I can't believe you mentioned Billy Eilish before him.

It's crazy. You got a name drop. Let's do it right. She's so LA. To you. I like Johnny the Frumpy Ferret. Stevie the Schnauzer. All right, we got you.

Michelle Collins met Teddy the Shetland recently. I don't know if you know her, but she's a French. I don't know anybody in that sense. Michelle Collins hosted my Gotham comedy live that I did. Nice. Channel 837, check it out. All right, I have two from Patreon. So when you guys sign up for Patreon,

we will answer your garbage question on the air. It's just the best way to do it. This one's from Tyler's Awesome. Self-given name, I presume. Have you ever crossed a highway on foot to get somewhere? No, but I've walked under a bridge. There's no way that can't be. But I've walked under a bridge, like a bridge under a highway.

I just did that this weekend to get to Dunkin' Donuts, but... Wait, what do you mean? A lot of times, especially... Like, are you talking crossing lanes of a highway? I have never crossed lanes of a highway. That is dangerous, and I would not do that. This is where she tightens up. I was dangerous, and I will never break a pedestrian law ever,

unless my skirt comes off. Whatever the second offense was. Hold on, why did you walk under a bridge to get to a Dunkin' Donuts? I was at a hotel, and I wanted some coffee and an egg and cheese croissant. What was on it? Was it like a path, like a sidewalk,

or you just, like, went road with the troll? She's making a lot of sense of me. She gets me every time. Because let me tell you something, those bacon egg and cheese croissants are throwing down at Dunkin' Donuts. Ain't too shabby. No, I don't know what they do,

but the egg and cheese croissant Dunkin' Donuts is my favorite. You know what, it's the croissant. Croissants are just the greatest delivery system for bread. We were in Austin, did you get? I got at the hotel, they had an everything croissant, and it was one of the best things I've had in my life.

It was so good. It's all right. She could be like, I killed my sister. You're like, what? And she's like, all my way to get a cheese stick. Yeah, you're throwing me off here. Hold on. God damn it.

All right, you redeemed yourself. I do like a nice cheese stick. But it's not our fault, like when you're on the road and you're staying in these trash ass towns, you're gonna walk through weird things. It's just part of the job. That's, of course, that's what I was, every time I've crossed the highway,

has been for comedy, because you're at like the fuckin' remodel on the side of some turnpike. What was under the bridge? No, no, no, no. Is that what you wanted? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's it, we gotta close on that. That's it. That would give you the Patreon question. I never want this to end. Okay, we only have one more. This is from Hugh G. Rection. Amazing.

Big Simpsons fan, huh? Who curses more, your mom or your dad? No one really curses. Wow. I mean, when they would fight, they would say shit to each other, but like, that's not really the vibe. I could probably curse more than anybody in my family.

Yeah, I've taken it for sure. Yeah, I'm terrible. I curse, do you curse to your mom? Well, you curse like, not at your mom, be like, can you fuckin' believe this? Yeah, yeah, as an adult. And my friend's like, when I talk to my mom on the phone, cause it's Russian Russian,

and then I'll be like, can you fuckin' believe this bitch? Yeah, that's pretty good. And then I'll like, go back to speaking normal. Are there any fun Russian insults, like this guy's a son of a shoe, or like a pig dog or something? I'm sure. Sheep poop or something.

But I don't really know if Russian swears or like them. What? These two, you're... We had a meeting before the show. You suggest you're such a screwball. What'd you say? The sheep thing. What?

Wait, what did you say? Like sheep thief? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? That's like old world, that's like old country shit, like... Yeah, what the fuck, man? Yeah, how are you not getting this?

You're a comedian. He's still got dunkies on a brain. Got them tater tots dancing around in my head. I apologize. Continue. No, not really. I feel bad these pastures, I have nothing to tell you. No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.

I like zlob, and that's like a fucking sloppy jerk. You know, like... That's pretty good, I got one right next to me. Like freight, what's that, like a chauvinist thing? I don't know, like zlob is like, you're messy. Yeah, okay. Is that where shlub comes from, maybe? Maybe?

Probably Yiddish, or that's Facebook Yiddish. Yeah, maybe it. Shlub, Yiddish. There's like bad words, and they just make me uncomfortable, honestly. I don't like swearing in Russian. Okay. I don't know what it is.

Yeah, no, fair enough, I get it. Well, we still have to wait for the official board to come in from next door, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here. The kid's trash. Oh, big time trash. Gold and trash. But with like layer, with like...

Very classy. Yeah, I mean, the champagne thing, I'm forever changed from hearing that. I'm gonna do that for sure. I'm doing that as soon as I get off and send it to somebody's champagne. I don't know what it is. Could be you.

Could be you. Oh, man. Yeah, I like sending a thank you card. I'm like into that. Would you say you're classy now? I don't think I'm like a snob, but I like doing nice things, but I can like do not nice things.

Yeah, you're just under a bridge for time. Yeah, I was gonna say, the under the bridge Dunkin Donuts thing, that was this weekend, right? It was, it was. But, and I guess I'm staying at a shitty hotel right now. That's not really my favorite. But when I was in Chicago two weeks ago,

I stayed at the Drake Hotel. And that, that was like a childhood dream of mine, and so that was really exciting. And then I met like a former NFL player was sitting next to me at the bar, and that was really fun. But I was like, this is my childhood dream to stay here. And he was like, his name was Joshua Perry.

Oh, it's somebody famous? No, well, he has a championship ring with Ohio State, and he's an announcer for the Big Ten Network. And he obviously has dreams of being an announcer. He played three years in the NFL. Okay. It was exciting for me. It wasn't John L. Way, I can tell you that.

No, but no. He had a Louis Vuitton wallet, so I knew he had money, so. That's my next big thing with this new money, we're making a nice wallet. I knew he had money. That's, that's trash. Why?

He must have cash on him. Yeah. Well, you're at the Drake, you're drinking a martini. It was the only, I had a Manhattan, like, I, yeah. I was like, cause then he goes. You had a Manhattan? Yeah. That's not pretty classic.

I like a big Manhattan. I love a Makers Manhattan. Makers Manhattan, there it is. Were you there in town on business? I was doing comedy, yeah. Okay, and you were staying at the hotel, and you went down and had a drink at the bar? Yeah, and then he got a Reuben and it looked good,

so then I asked for the menu. He's like. He's out to lunch again. Fuck. Bring it up. I was gonna say, that's pretty classy. It looked good, so then I got the menu. He was like.

It's also so funny the way you two communicate. It's like, you're both from different worlds, and like, she'll say something and you have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. It sounded so nice and sophisticated. It sounded sophisticated. Before the Reuben? Yeah, before the Reuben.

Then I saw some cheese thing egg rolls in that. Couple of pots. But yeah, you know, it's a 20-something dollar Reuben. Oh, yeah, no, for sure, of course. It's an overpriced Reuben, okay? She's getting mad now. Ladies and gentlemen. I didn't get the Reuben, but anyways,

so then he was like, what are you gonna get to eat? And then he's like, oh, that's weird. I have to stay here for work for 15 weeks in the fall. I go, sir, I'm no fool. You're clearly working football. Yeah. Damn. 15 weeks, they got in with the Drake Hotel?

Yeah, but he was like, it's kind of dusty here. We were at a nicer one. He was like, shocked, it was my childhood dream. I was like. It's nice. That's even better. Lisa Trigger, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, thanks for having me.

Buddy, what do you have coming up? Let the gang know. When will this come out? Next week. Oh, great. Monday, I think. I'll be in Sam. A week from today.

I'll be in San Francisco the Friday, Saturday, after Thanksgiving at the punchline. Cool. I don't know, it's like 26, 27, 28, something there. So I'll be there. And that's all I have. Yeah, and that's messed up in SVU podcast. Check it out, gang.

Kid screwballs. Yeah. And I'm excited to be in San Francisco. Yeah, I hope people come. That'll be fun. Go out, gang. Go check her out. Check her out.

Extremely funny. Fantastic. Kippy, what do you got? Guys, our live shows, if you're listening to this today, we have New York tomorrow. If there's tickets left, get those. Let's fucking go. We have Upstate.

We're going to be in Syracuse, Connecticut. And Albany, get those fucking tickets. And then we're launching a bunch of dates for 2022. Get involved. It's going to be fun, gang. We love you. We'll see you next week. Push.