Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Mall Walkers! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Episode Date: April 6, 2026Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come t...o a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Quince: Go to https://Quince.com/garbage for free shipping and 365-day returns. BlueChew: https://bluechew.com Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Gang, let me really quick tell you what you might not know.
The boys want to see you in Los Angeles for the Netflix as a joke festival in May,
and we want to see you this week in Chicago.
So grab the squad and come hang.
Yeah, if you've never been to a live show, it's a good time.
We do some stand-up.
Then we play A-Y-G with the crowd.
You've seen the clips.
You get your garbage question read.
We call you trash.
We make funny.
It's a good time.
We celebrate Army of Garbage.
We love you.
See you there.
Hey, everybody out there.
And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
This is R.U. Garbage.
Hey, yeah.
It's that little show.
We sit down with you.
your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy.
Yeah.
Which are just a big old piece of trash.
Trash, trash.
I'm your host, agefully coming at you on a beautiful day.
We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
She, um, well, Kevin will tell you more.
More to 11.
My co-s is coming at you from across the table.
If you don't know, this is what we call a family episode.
Whoa.
Just the boys, the bozos and the homies just to where we like it.
Give it up for my good pal.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Hey, oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Boss with the hot song.
Hey, gang.
A jean jacket, man.
Yeah.
How you done?
It's a jean jacket.
My James Dean ears.
My Jimmy Deemeyers.
And a can of beer.
Sure.
You look a can of beer, don't you?
Sure.
Yeah.
You were asking for beers at that show.
What show?
You're going to two, actually?
Yeah, well, they're giving to me.
Slugging beers.
Drinking beers.
Somebody was bothered by that.
Drinking bike cooks like a lear.
With a lime, wacko.
I prefer a lime.
Do you?
Hey, what's up?
I'm Kevin.
Everybody.
Shout out to you.
Thanks to tuning in.
How did lemons win?
As always, we've got to pay
to freaking bills around here.
Gotta keep you in your...
Spotify, iTunes, all that stuff.
Get a T-shirt.
Got to keep you in your cool plaid t-shirts.
You got going.
This is my father's.
Holy.
What do you have?
A second job is the Easter Bunny?
This fucking guy.
Easter buddy didn't wear a business casual.
We wore no shirt, actually.
I have a freak.
I hated that.
Uh-huh.
Santa Claus I could deal with.
I was still freaked out him coming into the house.
But a six-foot fucking rabbit, get the fuck out of my house.
I don't care how many kids are.
Hey, what are you in 80s comic?
Shut up.
Thanks for tuning in.
As always, please make sure you rave you, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube.
Full video available on Spotify and the boys are climbing the charts, baby.
Shout out to the Army of Garbage.
Then, gang, we got a whole bunch of merch over there.
We got ashtrays.
We got shot glasses.
We got coosies all on sale.
We got T-shirts.
We got hats.
All the whole.
nine yards, get it out, check it out. Big sale over there.
Big sale. We're cleaning out the inventory.
Clean out the inventory. Liquidating. Everything must go.
No, we're not that's not that car. I'm not crazy Eddie slashing prices over it.
They always did that. What? He wasn't going anywhere.
That was a sales gimmick.
Everything must go. Everything must go.
Liquidate. And liquidate the inventory to make room for the new stuff.
Which is just old stuff.
Hey, dad. Welcome to Marshalls.
You start selling jeans.
That's what we'd set us on merch
You start selling clothes
Winter coats
Well this is
I've been spending
I spent two
Somebody made fun of me
A friend of mine
Who made fun of you?
A friend of mine
Phil X's wife
I love her
Yeah she's great
Sharp
Sharp lady
I was saying I spend a lot of time
At the mall
And she's like what are you doing
I spend a lot of time at the mall
I like going to the mall
You do?
Yeah
Just to push the kid around
No not anymore
I go by myself
You're joking
No I just go to the mall
What mall?
Uh, it depends.
I spent a lot of time at the Oxford Valley Mall.
You're joking.
No.
That's sad.
Why?
I thought I was a loser.
You have a wife and kid at home.
You're going to the mall?
I'm not going to pick up chicks.
What are you going to the bathroom, tapping on the stall?
Bed in there.
What are you doing?
You're in there?
Kippie, is that you?
Awkward.
What?
You're joking.
No.
Well, I'm not like hanging out at the mall, but.
What day?
That doesn't matter
What?
Did you know this?
I mean, I feel like we picked up on it just from the massages.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I had to buy an outfit for the special, so I went to the Macy's.
Uh-huh.
Right.
I'll give you that.
Yeah.
And then I went back the next day to look for a pair of shoes.
For what?
It was special.
Uh-huh.
And then I went a few days later to get a massage.
Right.
I mean, that's three days in a...
It's three out of four days.
Okay.
Have you gone since?
No, I haven't been down to visit the peace yet.
Let's give it a rest for the summer.
You have a family at home.
I mean, you act like, you're like, I'm out of fucking riding fences.
So you leave, you.
What do you mean?
Stop saying I have a family at home.
Like, I'm abandoning my family.
Well, like on a Sunday, you're like, hey, I'm going out to the ball.
We'll be back in a few hours.
That's weird, man.
No, I'm not doing that.
I used to know a guy that did that.
He would go shopping at homemark stores for, like, Christmas stuff.
like all throughout the year
just to get away from the family
I have to tell you I worked with a guy
at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone
and he's like
I was featuring
No but I wish you wouldn't
I was featuring it was
He had driven him from like Michigan or something
And he's like road dog
He's like we have road dog real road dog guy
He's like what are you doing tomorrow
And I go
I got no hang out
fucking sleep on his hangover off
Get a bacon again I don't know man
And he goes
You want to you know
I'm going around dry.
I got to go look at some stuff.
I go, what do you look?
He's like, I'm like, what are you looking for?
He had the, he's like, I got the biggest haunted house in Michigan or something.
And I got to go look for, there's a lot of good, like, flea markets around.
He goes and looks for stuff for his decorations.
Yeah, trinkets and whatnot.
Eyeballs or what I don't know with skulls and stuff like that.
Nah, man, I'm Catholic.
I'm doing that shit.
Sound like crazy.
Anywho.
that's one thing I want to do.
I want to get a kiosk or I want to
you want to get a kiosk or I want to
You said you want to start selling jeans and stuff like that.
I was joking.
Yeah, me too.
I want to rent a place in the mall.
And sell all your garbage merch?
No, just sell anything.
Just run a business.
That'd be fun.
Hanging out at the mall.
You got a family.
The hell are you doing with these malls?
I'm providing for my family.
You have a job.
Here, a good one.
You're going to go sell fucking.
knock off Cologne in the fucking
at a dead mall?
Yeah.
What do you mean dead mall?
I can bring it back.
I'm supporting local business.
Support the community.
You got to get these Armenians in here.
I don't know.
Something about this isn't sitting right with me.
What?
You're losing it.
You're hanging out at the mall?
I'm not saying I'm hanging out at the mall.
I went shopping at the mall and I got one massage at the mall.
That's not that weird.
Do you eat at the mall?
No, I didn't eat at the mall.
A family man shouldn't do things on his own.
What is that even?
You do with your family.
What does that even mean?
Thankfully, you have one.
What does that even mean?
Do things on my own.
Yeah.
I'm not like going on vacation and shit by myself.
You can do stuff alone.
I'm running to the store, getting supplies for my family, and stopping at the mall.
Oh, the massages for the baby?
Huh?
I was so I could be relaxed.
Walk and roll.
They could do my job.
But there was this one guy just walk.
He was walking.
He walked in and out.
every store.
Older, single guy.
He had like a fuck.
Yeah, dude.
He kind of,
he's just got a hooker, man.
He's just walking around.
I saw him in every store.
He's just popping in.
Like, he was being like journeys,
like looking up, you know.
For all we know,
that guy could be happy as a clam.
You know what Tom Hardy said.
He loves spending time by himself.
Why are you breaking my bullshit?
He's not hanging out in a mall,
and he's a good-looking actor.
What am I?
Gross.
And weird.
You're mall shopping.
Next thing you know, you got one of those fucking metal detectors in your hands.
I'm not mall shopping.
You are.
You're mall walking.
Like Phil, like, um, uh, fuck.
Yeah, got him.
Oh, there you go.
Diesel, who ran the New York crew?
No.
Before him.
Carmine.
Spaghetti.
He goes mall walking, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Yeah, there are there.
They're doing that.
Whatever.
This isn't about.
Whatever.
Enough with the malls.
Okay.
That's it.
Yeah, that's our problem.
It's not good.
Listen, you start falling apart.
We're in trouble.
I'm not falling apart.
I'm supporting local business.
And I'm going to...
Sometimes you can't order everything online.
I need stuff today.
Where are you going to go?
I go to Target.
I go to the mall.
What kind of shoes did you get?
I ended up not getting shoes.
Fast-paced life you're living over there.
Just hanging out at the mall.
Yeah, I was just viving.
You're just trying on shoes just to hang out with the guy.
I'm sprinting.
Nah, these aren't it.
I got a basketball.
What time's your lunch?
That'd be a fun thing, that little challenge that we should do.
What?
We have to each go out and make a friend on the spot.
Okay.
Wouldn't that be fun?
What are you, practical jokers?
Is that what they do?
I mean, I would love to see you try.
They'd bury us.
Oh, yeah.
That's the highest rated TV show.
Number 13 seasons.
Shout out to the fucking boys.
Mm-hmm.
Doing numbers.
Yeah.
Why can't you do that?
I'm at the mall.
What do you mean?
Why can't you do?
You're breaking my balls.
I don't know, but TV.
That's right.
Don't you forget it.
I got no ideas.
Let's check deadline.
Get out of here with the deadline.
You got mall vibes right now, if I'm being honest.
You do.
You should be cruising around the mall.
Fucking putting in job applications.
You shoot me down.
Yeah, I should be in the mall.
I'm a 50-year-old man.
Yeah.
We should get a key.
We should open up a kiosk.
I'm not doing that.
Why?
You already break my balls here.
I got a show up at a mall on fucking Sunday at 9 o'clock.
I love how you think I come in, hung over.
You're fucking busting my chops.
You think I'd break your balls.
That's what you think I'm doing.
Crazy.
You're nuts working for you.
Uh-huh.
That'd be fun, though.
Yeah, thanks, Luke.
I appreciate it.
Where are you going to get that thing?
Get what thing?
The kiosk.
It's like a wagon.
You don't, I mean, they got them.
It's not bringing it.
You got it yourself.
I guarantee.
Don't.
I guarantee you got to buy that yourself.
I guarantee the Oxford Valley Mall will give you a kiosk.
If you start, dude, you're ready to check for $1,000.
You can probably get, it could probably get pennies.
Take over the old Boscoves.
I'll work there if I could, with the car.
You know, they got the car parked in there.
Yeah, we could do that.
Yeah, sell that.
Park your Jeep in there.
Wow, people.
No, not my Jeep.
I'm selling my Jeep.
I make a couple of bucks.
No, you get like a Buick or something like that.
Guess how many marbles are in there?
You have filled with marbles?
I don't.
Get an intern to throw it.
It's Luke's job.
They give you the kiosk?
You just release it, yeah.
Yeah, if otherwise it would be all different kiosks.
Oh, yeah.
It's about 500 bucks a month.
That's it?
Yeah, I mean, it depends on where you're getting location.
It goes up to $7,000 a month.
Seven grand.
That's got to be Vegas or something.
Downtown.
That's got to be on the strip, at least outside the Luxor.
Listen, but all that's neither here nor there, my mall time or non-mall time.
I didn't know you were losing it.
I'm not losing it.
I've had to go to the mall a couple of times.
That's not crazy.
But you're going to go back.
Yes.
It's the mall.
You're going to start going.
You're going to start going more and more.
I got to get this.
I got to get there.
Next thing you're going for watch batteries.
That's the sign of a guy that's losing it.
When you're going to buy watch batteries, just throw whatever it is out.
You're going to get that little battery, you freak?
I did make a battery run.
Not at the mall.
I didn't go to the mall.
What do you get batteries?
I went to Target.
I used an excuse to go to Target.
Target's a fine establishment.
I give you Target.
I got a pair of joggers.
I'm like, I'm just a dirtbag dad now.
That's what I am.
It's a dirtbag dad.
Cruising.
Drinking beers in the basement.
Cruising Target.
grabbing stuff, sneaking beers.
Why don't you get that lawn hooked up for the fucking spring?
Barris tell people I know you.
Oh, are you?
Moulch.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's some fucking edging done over there.
That's crazy.
What are you doing with your lawn this year, Henry?
Yeah.
I don't have a lawn.
I live in the city.
Oh, do you?
Yeah.
How's that going?
You really fucking, you're really sitting in a glass house with a swinging or wrecking ball.
Yeah, that's what I want.
I know.
You got you, dude, you have a thing where you know I got fucking all guns.
And you just start fucking needleing me.
Somebody shoot me.
Death by cop.
Which you know, I was watching the town the other day.
Death by ball cop.
Believe it.
Death by ball cop.
We should be mall cops.
Death by kiosk.
No.
See if we can get mall cop.
Only if we have guns.
They don't give you any respect.
What some fucking teenager making fun of me?
There's no teenager.
I'm the youngest guy at the mall.
There's no.
teenage.
No.
I'm there calling you fed.
I try to catch me.
It's crazy they don't give those guys guns.
They're sick.
What do you mean?
Everybody fucking get in line real quick.
A taser or something.
People just fuck with them.
Nobody listens to that.
Yeah.
They just knocked down part of my mall and just put up town out, like apartments.
It's crazy.
In the mall?
The side of the mall.
Like, Boscobs or whatever's gone.
Whatever's on that seers.
So like the parking lots to ball?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Which isn't bad, though, right?
The proximity to the mall location, location, location.
Yeah, bonefish grill every day.
No, and it's funny, like, you drive around, like, you do the, you know,
there's a circle around the mall, like the road around the mall?
No.
You're acting like you discovered fire.
I've been to the mall, you a loser.
Not recently, it seems.
Uh, I don't know.
Been to Dix.
It's boring.
You have.
I've been to Dix, too.
There you go.
Yeah.
What did you get?
What I get?
My wife wanted dumbbells.
What?
Yeah, because you start working out.
You're going to step out on you.
You're in the mall.
With Irv.
With what?
Irv.
Listen, all that's neither here nor that.
We've got a gosh darned family episode.
Get to work.
What do we do?
There are openings for a retail security officer.
There you go.
King of Prussia.
That's a nice mall.
That's out by Patty, too.
Yeah.
That mall's too nice.
They got like fucking prodding.
shit. Who the fuck's getting that in King of Prussia?
There's a lot of rich people out that way.
In King of Prussia? I don't know about that.
It's... It's so nice.
Yeah.
Like, parts of that area.
Not but close to that.
King of Prussia. What are you talking? You don't know what the hell of you talking.
What are you talking about?
I don't know. Exactly. I got nothing.
You got nothing.
He's throwing a spike strips.
Can we get the work?
I'm trying. You keep spike stripping.
Plenty of Bug Man T-shirts available.
I think they're gone.
Get the hell.
out of here.
Oh, he started selling them for six bucks.
If I'm talking about liquidating, everything must go.
A bunch of kids in Africa are wearing them.
I'll tell you exactly how many we have left.
Right now, I get a live update on my phone.
I get a cut of that, right?
What?
Okay.
You got 15 available.
There you go.
That's not that.
That's not that many.
Too small.
Too small?
They're all too small.
No, there's two small, six medium.
Okay.
Five large.
Okay.
No XL.
Nice.
No 2x.
Shout out to the big boys.
Stepping up for Uncle.
There's 2.3X left.
Okay.
And 04X.
Those guys probably died.
Rest of peace.
Hey, broad's out there.
Get a medium.
Sleep in it.
Uh-huh.
People were.
We moved a lot of them.
There's like a hundred of them we moved.
That's pretty good.
I used to love that when a chick with sleep in a t-shirt, like an oversized t-shirt.
Probably not the tie-replace.
Is that what Patty used to do?
No.
She wore a former pajamas.
It's like a lady.
Oh, a little flap in the back.
But I tried to do that once.
What?
Flap in the back?
No, I slept in just, all my girl cousins would just sleep in a t-shirt.
Mm-hmm.
And then one...
You're a twisted guy.
Tucking your wiener back.
Rolling around in a fucking Matthew Perry t-shirt or something?
I was trying to think of the guys.
The guys are 90210.
Steve Perry?
No.
Fuck.
Don't tell me.
Kevin Dillel.
No, he just died.
Luke Holmes.
No, Luke Wilson.
Perry. Luke Perry.
I was close to the Matthew.
Jason Priestley's other guy.
Jason Priestley.
No, they all slept in T-shirts and underwear, and I started, I did it like once or twice at my house.
And my dad was like, what the fuck are you doing?
Awkward conversation.
What, this one?
No.
How old were you?
Too young.
I mean, I feel like there's a meaty part of the curve you can hit where that's okay.
Maybe like 10.
And I liked it.
I feel like that's too old.
Is it?
Although I was wearing silk boxers, so I don't really know.
Yeah.
It's the 80s.
Very fluid.
I was also playing soccer and I had a perm.
It sounds like you were playing for both teams, too.
You had a perm?
Yeah, I got a perm.
My dad used to get perms.
Sick.
my cousins had curly hair and they used to dry their hair like this.
I wanted that, so I got a perm.
My mom fucked it up.
It looked like an asshole running on that soccer field.
Tight-ass fucking shorts.
Like Lexi Lollas.
I look like Maradano.
Out there doing key bumps.
Did he?
He was on a, he had to think a coach or whatever.
He was on the sidelines.
He got caught.
His guys were like all covering him up.
He was doing a hitter?
Little root tooth.
Games are long as shit.
You know?
Got to run all over the place.
He was great.
Sure.
That's like the first time you brought him up.
I keep getting real.
What are you watching fucking cokeheads?
And throughout history.
He was Argentinian.
Is he alive?
He died.
He passed.
How do he die?
Fun life.
Okay.
Yeah.
Living a good life.
He passed.
Hmm.
The past couple of years.
Here's to the good life.
Yeah, we have to fucking kill the vibe, Luke.
Let's talk about you and your fucking thong underwear.
That's 2020.
2020?
COVID got them.
Did it?
Hoax.
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All right. Listen, we got to get
freaking get into some questions here,
all right? You and start at the show? You and your
perverse stuff you got going on.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Don't pivot.
Perverse stuff.
Uh,
uh, let's see here.
This one's from Skidmark Clark.
Great name. Great name.
Ten dollar chain man here. Are you
garbage if you ask people if they
heard that after you crack your neck or
your back?
You heard that?
That's great, dude.
That's great.
Just when you think...
I mean, the listeners, the fucking homies are the best.
You can crack your jaw.
I'm...
My hands, my knuckle, I can do them all, right?
And I don't know that I do them.
It's like a nervous tick, kind of, I guess.
I like doing it to somebody.
You do it to people.
Yeah.
Like, you know, your lady or whatever.
No?
No?
Cracking your ladies.
knuckles.
She's a fucking boxer?
It's crazy, dude.
I was at dinner with my father-in-law, and they're a little refined people.
I'm not, you know what I mean?
And once I do one, I got to do them all, and I can get, like, the weird knuckles,
like, not just, you know what I mean?
I can get, like, the middle knuckles.
Yeah, little crab legs, you know what I mean?
Good meat in there.
Which there isn't.
There's good cracking in there, dog.
So I got going.
And I have this thing where I can twist them all, like, certain ways and stuff.
What the fuck?
You're doing this at dinner?
And I can do, like, my wrists and stuff like that.
What the fuck?
Ugh.
Stop.
Yeah.
I go.
There's like 25 that I do once I start doing them.
And, dude, I looked up and we were at, like, a nice ride.
We were at, like, Gallagher's or something.
I looked up and he went, Kevin.
And he doesn't speak English.
He went, Kevin, and just shook his head, no.
I can gleeke too.
I bet you can chugged his beer.
You're going to see how many olives I can get in my mouth who are?
What's wrong with you?
I'm a dirt bag.
You're really coming out.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
It's shifty.
I'm not hanging out the mall and cracking my knuckles.
Not as a business owner.
He's somebody to be the face of this operation, and it ain't going to be me.
You can be the ass of the option.
Definitely not the weiner.
I'll tell you that much.
My weiner's looking good these days.
Uh-huh.
Did you take it to the body shop?
Make-o.
Get it stretched out
I never understood how they could paint a car
For like 200 bucks
Because it sucks
Yeah, Rob, you got it, right?
Yeah
You hate with a fucking
Canna spray paint
Mako
Are you still banging?
Yeah
Yeah
Five-nine
It'd be like four nine
And we'll spray paint your car
For 200 bucks
Yeah, they're still banging
What's it?
What's their specialty
They got running?
Oh, let's find out
I'm sure you go on the website
It's never had a car painted
No
Never
Never
Never
I don't know
Can I get a lease painted?
Can I paint my car?
No, I do not think so.
No?
Fuck them.
Would, I don't know if you said this to me
or a friend said this to me, but it hit me hard recently
when at one point all of our cars in my driveway were tan.
Was that you making fun of me for that?
Like they're all sand color.
I think Pat or somebody was like,
that is the trashiest color car.
That's weird.
And at one point me...
Pan is the trashiest color.
Me, I had the Montego.
My mom had the bravada.
And my dad and my stepdad had like a fucking two thousand or a 98 suburban.
And they were all that same.
What are you the police force?
What is that?
What do you guys work for the city?
That's crazy.
A tow truck parked in there too?
That's nuts, man.
It looks like the motor pool
How you got the barvada today?
Fuck
Kind of business you guys in
Jesus Christ
Yeah it was so
It all looked like park rangers
We all like the yellow lights
You know what I mean
Oh yeah
Not the cop lights
Fuck like some municipality
You see them behind
You're like fuck you
I don't care how many squirrels died
They're usually going to pick up roadkill
Which man they really have
I've got laxed on that.
Especially down in the burbs.
There's fucking dead deer everywhere.
Seeing their ribcage and shit.
There's this one.
We pass in the burbs.
His neck saw he's got like rigormortis where he was like trying to get back up or something.
It looks like he turned into stone midway through.
Dude, he's looking at you as you drive by.
It's so sad.
It's bad.
Put a blanket over.
Turn him.
Somebody pull him into the woods or something.
I got a fucking kid in the car.
Hey, what the fuck?
He got to get rid of him.
The little kids seeing that in the summer.
He puts.
flies flying out of its eyes and stuff.
Oh my God.
Brutal.
Yeah.
That's beautiful deer.
You notice is a trashy color of car.
Navy blue.
Not like a BMW, but if you get like an SUV and it's navy blue, trash.
They didn't have black.
Sure.
You know what else is?
What else?
Yes, I'll give you that.
What else I feel is real trashy and it's, you know, you'll probably, he's your lord
and savers.
You'll probably push back on it.
But that maroon, like the maroon suburban, the Tony drove, the,
Tony Soprano drove.
That's, that's, that's real trash shit.
With a, you didn't like that, did you?
You know it's true, though.
I didn't like the white Cadillac that he had.
The S.T.
Oh, no, that's, that's the car that guy drives.
With the muscle kid that drove it.
Yeah.
You just didn't like his own.
You wanted to be that kid.
No.
Yeah.
Cut off T-shirt.
Handgun in the glove box.
I would have drove Tony.
For sure.
Dude, we've, no.
And the banged Carmela.
Obviously, that's what you'd be doing.
Probably beat up Phil Leotardo and everybody.
Yeah.
No.
You're not, I mean, you're not cut out for that kind of life.
You're not a cut out for this kind of life.
You're not cut out for podcast.
What are you talking about?
I could have drove Tony.
No, you couldn't.
My whole life's in the rear view.
He's going to bother him that I say it.
No?
Yeah.
You just shut down.
No.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, that was a.
Wax suburban.
Yeah, just that color.
We've had a lot of them.
What?
A lot of burgundy cars.
Yeah, burgundy.
Green?
Green's bad.
Green?
Yeah.
Who's buying a green car?
My Vinny with the Skinny's Buick was green.
Green can be classy to be.
What are you talking about?
Like a Jaguar or something like that?
Yeah, like a Land Rover.
Yeah, that, that, that.
Well, it depends on the car.
Yeah.
Those 90s, 80s, Jaguars, I never met one guy that drove those that wasn't a
complete fucking dickhead yeah my old boss at the dick the god he was such a dick he would speed in
and you're like god relax then hit the brakes real quick yeah dick head he had like he wore like baggy slacks
that were like cool he was cool he was cool i guess he owned the country club whatever he owned a country
club i think yeah he was the owner of the country club or something yeah really yeah i don't you got
Why don't we do that?
Get in with the fucking highfalutin.
I said I got denied.
I tried.
I wanted to join.
Yeah, he probably saw you fucking mole walking, you creep.
Fucking pair of mom jeans.
I wanted to join just for content, fish out of water type stuff.
Go in there, cause a scene.
What club?
I plead the fifth on that one.
Was one the nice one like manufacturers or fucking?
No, no.
The Philadelphia Cricket Club?
No.
You know, Danny's and Mannies.
He was banned for.
a year.
Philadelphia Cricket Club is
fighting in the parking lot.
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, that's all.
I don't, I do, I golf once a year.
You don't golf.
You go and you have lunch.
You go and golf.
You go and get out.
You sit out a pool, play tennis.
You go and go out.
Fuck golfing.
Go to the range, maybe hit the putt.
You just named golf and stuff.
Yeah, but I'm not walking the 18 holes.
First of all, you don't walk the 18 holes.
You drive a fucking car.
I'm not doing it.
Okay.
I just want to be around.
No one's ass here.
I just want to be around.
I just want to be around.
I want to have an ice tea.
I want to have a fucking turkey club
What's a side of fruit
Okay, you can do that anywhere, I feel
Anywho
If anybody knows any really bad
Listen, does anybody, can anybody get me
In a country club?
What about Plymouth White Marsh?
That's fucking far as shit.
What the fucking driving all the way out there
Where you came from?
You just want stuff near where you grew up.
You're just naming stuff in your fucking neighborhood.
What's up by, what's up your way?
There's nothing up there.
There's fucking shooting ranges.
There's the one place that turned me down.
Why?
They're making enough money?
No, I don't know if they look at that.
And Jack?
What?
Yes, God.
No, apparently it's a dump.
I tried to get in, and then they sent me, hey, we're full.
But we have a wait list if you can join.
Loser.
Yeah.
I know somebody over there at manufacture probably gets you in.
My brother's a member.
I just said this.
Yeah, he's not.
My brother's been a member for a decade.
He's not.
Yeah.
probably wouldn't.
No.
I'm famous.
He goes in there and starts glad hand.
What are we talking about?
Somebody get me in somewhere.
A very dear old friend of mine makes those decisions over there.
I, we, we all, they know the same people.
Listen, who do you think you'd get me, my brother who's a member?
Bringing it back.
A Manco paint job is going to typically cost you between $300, $300 and $300 for a single stage paint minimal prep.
Minimal prep means like they're spraying a windows and shit.
If that's a bad tape job, that's a bad tape job.
No tape.
Yeah, that is.
I think you got to, like, do it a lot.
If you don't want them, if you don't want them painting the headlights,
you've got to cover them up yourself.
They always fucking, they have minimal prep.
Those masks, that can't be good to breed that in.
I remember one kid I knew was doing it in high school.
He'd be like, I was like his tech.
I remember what are you fucking?
He'd go and work in the paint.
At Mako?
No.
Another joint.
Yeah, like a local joint.
When they do it nice.
They were cool.
It's all rapping now is what the kids are.
There's a place across the street from me does custom wrap.
Porsches, Lamborghinis, Ferraris.
I'm being serious.
Yeah, that's a little business.
There's also an antique furniture shop.
We're in a corner.
Holyville sounds nice this time of year.
All right, let's see here.
By the way, my cup is now empty.
Just so what he knows.
Shark, Seltzer.
Right, this one's from Uncle Doob.
$10 hoagie.
never have one read big man pro moving coming here okay i've been around the big man world a lot myself
you sure you know we we we all have our little tips and secrets i love this of how to operate like a
big man i love this never heard this one uh oh curious to get your take on it all right it's for
your t-shirts okay right yeah a t-shirt for a bigger guy is a fucking problem you know what
one's fit, you know what ones are tight, you know how much stretching you got to do, how much pulling,
what ones you don't even try.
Stretching.
You can tell when you get your hand, the second you put your hands in you got not happen.
So this is you put your t-shirt on backwards and it gives it that fat guy stretch and then you
turn it the right way and do it all over again.
So I guess you put it on backwards and then maybe.
Stretch it out a little bit?
Your arms.
That's what I, you know what I mean?
Like that's just.
pretty good and that stretches it from the bat like that stretches it all a circular rather than so this
the front doesn't look all stretched out yeah because i get it sometimes it looks like oh you get it
smuggling meat mm-hmm look like you've got a fist fight with a bunch of third graders not no more
uh that's not bad i'm curious i'm gonna have to try that uh next tight shirt i got it curiously if
you do it too okay see if we can come back with uh i'll do it right now okay shark give me a shirt
Um, let's see here.
Uh, this one's from Red Bank Rob, $10 person of interest.
Great name.
Uh, is there something basic to you are incapable of doing?
I have never once correctly opened or closed a box of cereal or other cardboard food container.
Also, for the life of me, I've never been able to roll cut and apply a piece of saran wrap.
All that kind of stuff.
It's just laziness, I think, right?
From being a kid.
Saran wrap's a fucking booby trap.
Yeah.
I've gotten decent as I've become a little more domesticated,
decent at tinfoil.
Better at tinfoil.
Saran wrap still.
Don't you love when you get a good seal on top of something?
It's not that you're touching.
It's over.
Cereal.
The boxes.
I've never like, this is the way I see it.
You open up the box.
You can't rip the flap.
No.
I've ripped every cereal box, any cheese it box, any type of box like that.
Right.
And then there's the opening of the bag, which I don't always do great.
And then the proper way when you're done eating cheese hits, I would say, is to roll the bag up.
You would cinch it, cinch the bag with a chip clip or something.
A chip clip inside?
Would be the proper way to maintain it.
I'm not saying I do that.
I'm saying that is, you ever go over your buddy's house and you open it?
I mean, these are going to be fresh because they got the fucking chip clip on there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was not happening in our house.
Clips hit hard.
We used to use clothes pins.
I'll open up a fucking,
maybe in the summer, we'd be back and forth from the shore.
You open up a box of cinnamon toast crunch.
It's fucking, a moldy wooden fucking clothesline, clothespin in there.
Fucking ladybugs in there.
Yeah, fuck that.
Two caterpillars.
I always had trouble with the carton of milk, the half gallon.
Sure.
I would fuck that up.
Well, if you don't get that right lip open,
You're done.
Then you like pull the real thin version of it off.
And then that's like, then your dad, you hear your dad.
Who to hell?
He would scream.
You'd run out the back door.
My shit was open.
Act like you're sleeping.
He can't hit a sleeping kid.
Because I'd go from the other side, the side you're not supposed to.
If I fucked that one up.
No, it was great when they put the, now this was probably late 90.
The cap?
I hate the cap.
I know, but it made everything.
I want the authentic feel.
Okay.
I get you, but that made, it just made everything easy.
Yeah, I know it.
The pouring was easier.
Yeah, of course.
Chop a can.
Also, carton of milk.
I mean, we weren't really.
We were at plastic.
We were at the plas.
We were also doing gallons.
We were not a half gallon.
Okay.
Tough guy.
It also sometimes shoots out so quick when you have that opening up, the spout.
When you do the paper opening.
Then you spill it on the counter.
Then you're getting hit.
Getting hit.
Spill that.
The fuck are you doing?
Man.
Like a tsunami wave.
Catch a backhand.
You're about to have a nice lunch.
Hot comes all over you.
He feels bad.
You feel bad.
You're a twisted guy there, Hank.
When West Jet first took flight in 1996,
the vibes were a bit different.
People thought denim on denim was peak fashion.
Inline skates were everywhere.
And two out of three women rocked, the Rachel.
While those things stayed in the 90s,
one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get
when West Jet welcomes you on board.
Here's to West Jetting,
96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years.
And this isn't the same world. This is from Tootty's Tight Leather Pants, $10 long-term investor,
and have had one red. Shout out to you. Nostalgia question. Do you boys remember when
wide mouth cans hit the scene? Yeah. What did they first come in on though? See if you can find
that out. I want to say like... It was the hole was bigger. Yeah. But I don't think they were all
canned drinks were doing that. That had to... No, it was beers.
I want to say it was like soda.
Was that weird?
No, Coors Light, I think.
I remember somebody had the vent.
The vent.
Someone had like a, there was like a line.
I think Coors Light had like a line on the mouth of the can.
Coors introduced their wide mouth in 1996 to reduce the glug effect.
Yeah.
But then they did a vent too.
Event.
Back when I was drunk, like that was when I was drinking them.
Like, so high school college years for us probably.
You know what Blummer?
It was like a little slit, kind of.
You know what blew my mind?
And to this day, I still don't understand the science behind it.
And I guess it's only Guinness, but the nitrous thing.
I never got that.
Dude, Vinny brought those on senior week.
We were like, what are you a scientist?
Got CO2 in your beers?
That wasn't nitrous in there, was it?
It was CO2?
I don't know, nitrogen.
I see if you can figure that out.
It would just give it the, hey, it gives it the foam.
It would release like some...
I don't like that.
It feels like spray paint.
When the balls were in there?
I never got that.
I didn't get what that was either.
What?
The balls in spray paint
I think that keeps it moving
What's what they tell you?
Pressurized nitrogen in the
Guinness with a hollow plastic ball
And it gives you
Yeah
It mimics the draft stout on tap
Creating the signature creamy smoothhead
You ever see those Japanese sodas
That have the glass ball in there
You push it down?
As a kid that was huge
You fucking had those as a kid?
You go to Sakura, the Habachi spot near us
Everyone will get them
A rich motherfucker.
That's crazy.
They were huge when I was a kid.
I was 42 years old the first time I had one of those.
Just had one like two months ago, actually, in fact.
I've never had one.
Yeah, what you're talking about.
I saw...
Do you think Denise was buying Japanese soda?
Last time I checked, we won the war, okay guy?
My great-grandfather didn't fight in Korea to take my shoes off and drink Japanese soda.
Jesus Christ.
God damn patriots.
Okay.
I saw
I'll have a Coke
Thank you
Those need a wider mouth
You can't get any gloves
I need 15 of those goddamn things
That's another thing with non-American
fucking shit
It's like
Who is this for a baby
Who are you fucking
Brett bear all of a sudden
That's going to?
That paint guy
Bear paints
Oh you don't
Oh you're telling me
You don't like American serving sizes
Is that what you're talking about?
telling me?
No, I do.
Okay.
And I'll tell you what, on that note, Popeyes, that's not a large.
Their large soda is whack.
It's not a large.
It's not a fucking McDonald's large.
It's not a fucking Burger King large.
It's bullshit.
Okay.
Otherwise, I have no complaints.
Otherwise?
No complaints.
All right, let's see here.
This is from CN, Soul Sister.
$10.
Hey, gang.
Hey, Soul Sister.
Hello, beautiful.
Weird to call her beautiful.
You've been saying that too much.
Yeah.
About everybody?
About, yeah, just any woman.
Mostly broads.
Is that a little beautiful?
You're just saying beautiful to like any woman you're describing.
That she's beautiful?
Yeah.
Trying to be nice.
Turn over to leave.
When Lewis.
She got an ace.
It won't quit.
You know it would be cool if we brought back the kissing of the hand.
Oh, would that be cool?
Man, we've lost you.
You've gone full old.
man creepo.
Have you start wearing sweatpants.
Kevin said he was the most,
you were the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.
I wasn't expecting you to be the most beautiful woman.
I'd have a seen enchanté.
Rose blossom, beautiful.
No?
Now, why don't you turn around so I can get a good look at you?
Man, you are going to be an old creepy dude.
No, don't say that.
No, I'm not.
First, you just said all enchante to a woman.
I was joking.
God damn, who's that?
Holy.
Ouga!
Look at the stems on blondie.
Huh?
You're going to be a real creepo depot.
You should keep you busy, huh?
Uncle Hank.
Got up.
You got mirrors in your pants because they see me in them.
Hey, Dad.
Get out of here with that shit.
Uh-huh.
You believe in Area 51?
Because your ass is out of this world.
What?
What?
You got to get you out of the mall.
I've written all these dispensers gifts
I got a t-shirt
She hears salesman say that at Brookstone
So you're hanging out with
You think my malls got to oxirond
You got a Brookstone
I don't know
Got two Annie Annes
Next thing you're gonna be playing
Interimural
A Baskettable
I just think about me and the guys
Getting together
No
Why?
Because
Because why
What do you do?
You're wearing your dead dad's clothes
You're breaking my stones
for having a life and going to kids eat free habachi on Tuesdays?
I might start playing again.
Playing what?
Music.
Okay.
Band hit me up.
Yeah?
So they want to jam.
Uh-huh.
I pay for the studio.
Sure.
Yeah, you're just a fat cash cow, huh?
I'm not playing fucking intermural basketball with some fucking...
You're playing an intramural fucking rock band.
What are you talking about?
Why don't get you a guitar hero?
You got a better chance of making it.
I fucking hated guitarie hero.
I loved it.
I missed it and I sucked at it.
I missed the wave and I sucked at it.
I fucking hated that shit.
That ain't real music.
Ain't my rock and roll.
Fucking Aerosmith.
Get the fuck out of here.
The thing they did to get around like the,
not get whatever, they didn't use Aerosmith's
fucking take. It was as made.
I thought they did.
No, it would say like all the bat.
They would get a verse.
version of the rights, but not to the song.
So I would say, as made famous by the Eagles.
Huh.
They had the Eagles on there?
No, but played by whoever, you know what they?
Hotel California?
I don't know.
I'm just, just stop hitting me down.
It was two decades ago.
They did do a...
A little dark for a video game, huh?
They did a guitar hero, Aerosmith version.
Sure.
But all of the songs early on, it said,
as made famous by...
And they just had, like, studio musicians.
You know what I mean?
I mean.
Damn.
Dude, I remember one time we were down the shore.
And it hit big for me.
Guys too old got into that.
Guys in high school and college, we would just sit around like you're just drinking in someone's basement and playing it.
Guys in my age were playing that.
They got the drums.
We had somebody had the drums.
They married guys.
No, no.
We were 19, yeah.
I'm saying, guys, I got the drums.
The drums in your living room?
Who's your wife fucking?
You're a fucking drum kid out?
Um, so I did I remember it hit, it hit when like our,
when fucking, I don't know if it was a call of duty or whatever.
Like video games were huge and then this dropped and you're like,
what the fuck and we're 19 with nothing to do.
So we got pretty good at it.
You know what I mean?
Like just sitting around like high in a basement, Pat's basement.
Can you play the weed too?
A little bit.
We do weed.
It was just like drinking.
It was just something to do while you're drinking in someone's house whose parents were
like a kicker out.
Not home.
It was fun for like a minute and then you like figure it out or whatever.
They got fucking bulldozed by PlayStation.
We?
I don't know.
That was huge for a minute.
It was huge.
They sold like more consoles than anything.
That brought Nintendo back.
I was fucking yacked up in an apartment.
What the fuck do I know?
It was great.
You're trying to sell the controllers.
But dude, I remember.
I was checked out at the time.
I was, we were down the shore and somebody was playing.
They had it.
And I was like, oh, I'll play.
It was like the rock band.
And someone was playing guitar and I got behind the kit.
Did you?
I got to changing the symbols around and got it to my...
There was no symbols.
I'm kidding, dude.
What the fuck.
They did have symbols.
Yeah, there was...
It did?
Not like real...
You farted, for sure.
That's crazy, dude.
It smells like a bunny rabbit's cage.
That stinks, dude.
I've been eating wood chip.
Oh, God.
Your heart...
You're...
Came with the shirt.
Shark, I'm still waiting on that guy.
God damn Seltzer.
That'll save it.
Was it only the drums and the guitar?
And the singing.
Oh.
Because they had rock band, which was the whole.
Rock band was the whole kit to Guitar Hero.
Guitar Hero just had. They were two separate games.
Guitar Hero just had the guitar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rock band had that. But I sat down. My brother was there.
Thank you, Captain Loser.
I was 12 when it came out.
Yeah. He's still holding grudges.
I was getting blow
A layaway
Like you jerk off
The singing
But um I sat down
I started like playing pretty good
And my brought Danny was there
And we were like
Everybody was like 10 beers deep
And he was did not
He was like dude
You fucking lose
Just trashed me
Trashing me
Your fucking ass cracks
Yeah
I'm wheezing and shit
I'm wheezing and shit
I'm hitting my inhaler
All right guys guys
Guys oh here comes a solo
and I'm all fucking, I'm locked in.
Twirl on the stick around.
Whatever.
I've said it once and I've said it before.
It was that.
And listen, if you're Luke's age, his age, I get it.
But dudes my age were fucking getting into it.
They were doing that.
They were reading Harry Potter.
And they fucking would show up to a party with fucking...
Poker chips.
With poker chips.
Yeah.
Silver case.
And I bet you what they're not doing now?
We're wearing their dead dad's clothes.
I guarantee you, anybody that was doing that is not rocking their dead.
and their dead dad's clothes who died three years ago.
They all have kids in college and stuff.
Yeah, they're probably counting their 401ks,
not asking for a bridge loan.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You got me.
So.
Just shoot myself.
I still didn't like it at the time.
I get it.
I get it.
It's cool.
Uh-huh.
Cultural phenomenon.
Yeah.
You didn't like it.
You did not like this is your thing.
I did not play Texas holder.
You didn't like cultural phenomena.
You just, and you still don't.
I like Thriller.
I like Thriller.
I like Bruno Mars.
He's a cultural phenomenon.
No, you didn't like stuff.
And you don't.
And it's fine.
I'm not saying you have to.
But that was, that's a great.
I don't like American Idol.
You don't like stuff that people like.
Especially if you don't hear about it first.
Like what?
American Idol, rock band, poker chips.
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter.
It's just a lot of reading
I mean, God love those kids
They read all those books
But people my age reading them
Yeah
I'm an ass
I mean you're sitting here debating
A proper way to open a cereal box
So don't act like you're fucking standing
On airs, okay
I know what I
You think you're not
You think you're better than that
And it's you would love all of that stuff
If you got it
A mom wouldn't let me call the number
What number?
Oh no we weren't allowed to do that
We called it.
Of course you did, you rich motherfucker.
Probably got a point on the records.
Shout out Jordan Sparks.
Jordan Sparks.
That was like, we were a Justin Guarini fan
because he was from Upper Bucks County.
Oh, God.
When somebody popped from the local area.
That, dude that when fucking, when Tom's River was in the Little League World series,
you couldn't tell me shit.
You told me shit.
You were on the team.
Uh-huh.
It was also an actress that was in 30-something.
That was, that grew up in my...
Oh, no.
Maria Bello.
You know Maria Bello, the actress?
Was she in?
A bunch of stuff.
Very, very talented actor.
Grownups, grownups, too.
Yeah, she plays Kevin James' one.
Yes.
Yeah.
Where's she from?
She's from around there, down by us.
Norristown, Pennsylvania.
Yeah.
1967.
She's your age, too.
Funny.
She's 10 years older than me.
Beautiful.
Yes.
I brought.
You talk about me.
What?
Mall Walker.
Creep.
Trolling for chicks.
That's what you do.
I got the sunglasses with the mirror outside.
I got my, I got bed of glasses on.
Hey, ladies.
Those things stink.
We had a kid,
uh,
he was in the sixth sense and 1600.
Which one?
He was Tony Donnelly was his name.
He was a kid.
kid who said you want to see my dad's gun
you told me this yeah and he was somebody in 1600
was that with Denzel Washington I never seen
1600 yeah 1300 300 300 300
the Spartan movie with Tenzel Washington
oh celsius uh fallen right
16 maybe Denzel Washington is it about
Yeah the horror movie are you looking at Tony Donnelly's IMDB
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue yeah was it about the was it about the white house
fallen
No, Fallen was with John Lithgow,
he was able to get into people's bodies.
Wasn't it?
It sounds freaky.
No, you're wrong.
No, you're wrong.
It had to, it had me.
And I thought it had to do with the White House.
1600.
I know.
John Cusack was in it, I think.
John Cusack.
You like saying Cusack, don't you?
Yeah.
I used to love Cusack.
Do you have an answer?
There was just a secret, like,
demon behind these murders,
and Denzel was trying to solve it.
Not about the White House.
1600.
No, I don't know.
No, 1600 is about the White House.
He's on falling.
Was John Lithgow in it?
We got to get back to the question.
Alan Alda.
Alan Alda.
Alan Alda wasn't in that.
What the hell you're talking about?
Murder at 1600.
No.
Different movie.
Sweet.
Okay.
This is from CN Sol Sista.
Is it garbage if I use my grocery stores delivery app?
But to cheat the $35 minimum, I add something expensive like crab legs that I know
they're never going to be in stock,
so I just get a refund for the difference
and still get the rest delivered.
Wow.
Beating the system.
That's a soul sister right there.
That's a beautiful soul sister right there.
That's beating the fucking system.
That's a victimless crime.
Yes.
Right?
Because the corporation just takes.
Uh-huh.
Unless you get some fucking hot shot shopper
that tries to fucking get you something different.
And they come home with fucking, you know,
frozen spider crab legs or horseshoe crab.
A bunch of hermit crab
That's smart
See
That's great
That's great
You're working the system
I love it
This one's from Spitfire
542
Shout out to you
My old school
AOL screen name
$10 homie
Had a few red
I can't explain it
But why does putting a t-shirt on
While sitting down
Feel like absolute garbage
Yeah
I don't know if I've ever done that
I don't have a sitting down
T-shirt body
It's like you're getting out of a hospital bed
Yeah I don't know if I've
ever done that maybe in the car or something on the car it's cool if you're driving with no shirt on
you got to throw a shirt on you drive without a shirt on i used to back in the day when i was in high
school not now no i get arrested you can pull over for flashing uh i think maybe i have driven
with my shirt off in hawaii a couple of times you know a little sunburnt got the air on
stop a jack in the box get some of them tacus feel good but i can never pull it off
The t-shirt
It did it
No shirt
No shoes
Big problem
That's not true
And that no shirt
That new shoes thing is bullshit
I used to love walking around
Without my shoes on
It's not a
What do you mean
It's not a lull
Yeah it is
No it's not
You can't go to a 7-11
With no shoes on
Yeah that's not the law
And by the way
I don't know
Check the one by Port Authority
I'm pretty sure
That's the least of their problems
But
Buddy this guy
doesn't have a face and he's walking around, okay?
This guy's actively bleeding.
Yeah, that was more of, uh, that's like, they just don't want,
hooligans running in there.
Homeless people.
It's good insurance.
You step on a piece of glass or something.
They got them.
No, I think it's more of like a profiling thing.
If you don't have shoes, they don't want you in there
because you probably don't have money to buy a sandwich.
If you don't have a shirt, same thing.
True.
That's how we got our first beer.
We sent our boy Vinny with the Skinny and the Summerton beverage in the summer with no shirt on.
Because he's Italian.
Chest hair.
Chest hair like fucking hamburgers galugus.
I couldn't take his eye off his tints.
Pepperoni's.
Yeah.
Pro move.
So listen, underage kids out there.
Send your Italian friend in.
Luke's got a lot of chest hair.
Weird.
That's weird.
It's so weird.
How hard is it to get beers now?
Probably not hard.
What the technology these kids have?
Like IDs and stuff?
The scanners are better.
So it's like you kind of, like you have to bank on these places not having updated their scanners a lot of times.
But I'm saying to get one, I mean, kids got to be fucking 3D printing these in their rooms.
They are.
Go to black market.
Dark web.
You are driving crazy today.
Scanner.
You mean?
Mm-hmm.
Lost me on the garage.
Whatever.
Young kid
We should make you play
What
See how I'm not good at it
See how much of a musician
It doesn't matter if you're a good musician
It translates
No I'm not
I can't do it
I get too nervous
I don't have any rhythm
To like hit the little
The little ding ding ding
That's rhythm though
You claim to be a musician
I don't I've always said
I don't have a good rhythm
Okay don't actually talk about it that much
In every interview I've always said
I don't have good rhythm
Okay
I can't really play the guitar like that
I write a song.
That's about it.
You're a torture genius, you know that?
Really.
I have this, I have these, I have these songs in me, but rhythmically I can't get them out.
Torture genius.
Talk to my underwear.
You'd be yelling at us to keep up with you or something as soon as that game came on.
I'm telling you, I stink.
I suck it.
That's why I don't like it.
Ryan, Ryan, buy a rock band.
No, we don't get money for that.
Yeah, we do.
You're fucking wandering a goddamn mall.
Looking for deals.
Kios business.
This guy.
That'll save us.
Jesus Christ.
All right, let's see here.
This one's for Mr. French.
Ten dollar campaign manager for the Ryan Foley,
2028, never have one read.
I don't hate it.
Was it garbage if we've never ran an annual mile in high school?
I would hide behind the snack shack and smoke sigs,
only to fall in line on the average kid's final lap.
I'm man.
That's good for you.
I like it.
That's not bad.
I know you dread it.
The president, whatever that was every year.
The annual, whatever.
Yeah.
I mean, it was the mile that was really the biggest challenge.
What about climbing that rope?
I know you're fat-ass.
We didn't have to do the rope to like, I don't know if they changed it or whatever,
but it was like after sixth grade, that rope never really came out.
How dangerous was that?
That's what I, we were at that age where they were like, what the fuck?
You know what I mean?
Like, lawsuits started happening.
A hundred foot ceiling.
Yeah.
No, that was in elementary school.
We had it, but I don't think we had it in...
John Stolls was the only kid that could do it.
He was like a spider monkey.
Go straight up.
Yeah, we had Ryan Wiggins.
Yeah.
One kid could do it.
Mm-hmm.
That was it.
And he'd be up there.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
He falls.
He's dead.
Well, I had the...
Shaking the rope.
I had the upper body strength of like an eight-year-old, but the torso of a plumber.
So it was tough to get myself up there.
You know what I mean?
So a double negative.
Yeah.
A band of her body strength and a fat body.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
There you go.
You put that together.
A guy who doesn't know rhythm.
You sure picked up on that.
I'm not sure if I story straight.
Bade, I caught the inside of your thighs and boom.
I'd make up a fake guy.
I get a show a rotator call.
I said Tommy John surgery.
I'm seven.
Ah, no, I can't.
I got the wrong shoes on.
I wore my boots today.
I fucked on my elbow throwing curveballs.
Uh-huh.
I would, but I got my keys on me.
I don't want to puncture my scrot them.
I got one of them switchplated combs in my pocket.
Cut my nuts off, Teach.
I'm going to pop out back for a eater.
I'll see him a bit.
Put me down for a C.
Fuck that.
Did you guys ever get into the, whatever those things are?
What's that?
Wait.
Do that again.
The things on a stick that had like ribbons on the end?
What am I in the color guard?
Shut up.
We did that for a little while.
We were in ballet class?
No, gym.
I don't know what it was.
It was a stick that had like a little...
That they'd do in the Olympics and shit.
They do that in the Olympics?
It's an Olympic sport?
Not the straight one.
You're in there with your fucking...
You're in there and your little singlet.
Your little fucking pecker hanging out.
Your dad's you all that.
Put that thing down.
Dad, I like it.
Yeah, he said a pom-pom.
I love pom-poms.
I'm fascinated.
I don't know why.
His fucking kid with the Seltzer.
He's got headphones in.
He's editing.
He's putting a laugh track in.
He's got one.
Shark, there he is.
Thanks, buddy.
Shark, say hi to the folks.
What's going on, everyone?
Beat it.
Shark, I was kidding, but thank you.
They weren't.
I was.
This one's from jammed up, Jake.
$10, homie, haven't had one read.
Is it garbage to grab hot food at a gas station from like a hot bar?
Get to the register.
Then say you forgot your wallet since they legally cannot put it back.
The first time I genuinely forgot my wallet and they let me take it anyway.
The second time I was little janned up and figured I would see if lightning strikes twice.
I don't know if that's going to work.
work.
I don't think that's happening in New York City.
I think they're going.
And if they, if, at our deli, the deli knows you, it'll let it slide.
I don't think.
If you're just a random guy in there, they're going.
They're taking it.
They're throwing it out.
Yeah.
Somebody, one of the, they'll probably give it to someone on the staff.
Like, hey, you want this?
Yeah.
But I respect the hustle.
For sure, completely.
You know, I got to be honest with you, this isn't a general thing.
But every once in a while, you find a hot bar at a game.
gas station where it's like killer like Bordane will be there.
And lose me with that shit.
I like a, I mean, I like the bad, I like bad convenience store food.
I'm big on the tequitos.
I think I've had wings.
I like the pizza from 7-Eleven.
The wings at 7-Eleven if they've been sitting there long enough are fucking killer.
Really?
Killer.
Never had them.
Ah, I remember one night, eh, a couple of beers.
Mm-hmm.
We posted up on the hood of this car out front, the one.
Right next to the Redis?
Crisp?
Yeah, dude.
They were ordering them by the dozen.
Go get a dozen.
Because you know what my move is now.
Dry wings.
Sauce on the side.
Big dry wing guy.
Dry wing.
I don't even do sauce on the side.
I don't even need it.
I'll tell you.
Whitpaint Tavern.
Delicious wings.
Shout out to it.
Delicious wing.
Good food.
Good for that.
All right.
Let's see here.
This one's good.
This is from no catch up.
$10 Gen Z representative.
Never have one read.
Is it garbage when you're riding through the country and see an expensive
house and your dad says they got a million dollars in fence alone that's a big thing that i just saw
the other day my family everyone in my family has done it we did it when we were down at the house
in tampa me and colin did it i'm out back and i'm going they probably got a hundred thousand dollars in
trees right here pricing it up yeah fences are expensive fences are expensive they bang you the fuck
out yeah bang you out i know i see they got a chain i feel like you guys don't have a fence
Don't, don't your, you know what the trashiest fence is when your neighbors, all of your neighbors have a fence?
So you don't really have a fence.
No, we have a fucking fence around the backyard.
Okay.
She just had it done.
You sound like a guy who doesn't have a fence around the back.
She just had it done a couple years ago.
Or now, during the pandemic.
Pandemic.
Yeah, I got a fence.
Nice white fence.
Good.
I got a new gate on my fence.
Got a bad gate.
Got a lot to do down there.
Wow.
Look that place up for the spring and summer.
Mm-hmm.
You really say it with an attitude.
You know that?
You need the bed.
You could hook some shit up too.
I'll come down and do it.
No.
In your life, you can hook some shit up.
I'm working on that.
I'm working on my shit.
You're also the king of like, I'm like, I need to do this,
and then you yell at me that I need to do it.
Get the beds done.
Get a new shirt.
Get a shirt that a guy didn't die in.
Can you do that?
I had the beds done last year.
You haven't been there.
You haven't been there.
You don't invite me.
You've been invited, you don't show up
That's not true
That is very true
Last time I was there is when I met your mother-in-law
And you go, do I have to come in?
First of all, I was a year ago
That was a year ago?
It wasn't a week ago
Holy shit
That was a year ago?
Nine, ten months ago, yeah
It's been a long song
All right, we gotta wrap it up
Gang, I'm gonna tell you this
Mm-hmm
I speak for myself, not Kevin
Never liked the guy
I don't know why I keep showing up here
Grab some tickets for the live show
Come see us.
We got that Netflix's joke festival out there in Los Angeles, California.
You need all support I can get out there.
Bug made, don't be good in the L.A.
Chicago, Bloomington, Indiana, comedy attic we're hitting.
Yes.
Love it.
I mean, the limited tickets to the second show, doing two shows Friday in and out.
Nashville sold out.
Nashville sold out.
Shows are selling out.
Doing a comedy fest.
Zanis.
Love it.
We love you.
We'll see you next week.
Peace.
