Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Matt Richards: New Money

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back with good friend and comedian Matt Richards. Matt talks growing up in NYC, having multiple pets, drinking 40s, and more! You know Matt Richards as the host of HQ Trivia and from MTV! Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code GARBAGE at Manscaped.com! Bonus Episodes: www.Patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is are you garbage the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and fun if they grow up classy or if they're absolute trash I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day down here Aunt Toody's basement the new studio could not be happier coming at you from the heart of Midtown Manhattan big shout out to our

producer extraordinaire Mr. Toby McMullen over there working the ones and two people love you pal of course my co-host coming at you from real close to me a little too close for the framing of me I've been rocking that black sweater for a while fucking Bruce Wayne over here gang do me a favor the next time we for a best pal go ahead and make it a kippy he works the ones and twos he fucking cooks the books it keeps us all nice and secure Kevin James Ryan everybody hey gang what's up so I love how you're fucking you're commenting on my fashion choices you've been wearing the same Hawaiian shirts fucking six

years the kids the kids love also you can see your legs in last episode those things are some big mama jammers he was wearing his little short shorts they were riding up I've been off in space in it for a while I got flip flops on right now your thighs are like the great white north those things Jesus Christ start calling them things Canada yeah what's up everybody please make sure you rate me view subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube subscribe there as well those numbers are through the fucking roof we appreciate that also the big thing patreon.com slash are you garbage sign up you get bonus content you

get additional videos additional episodes we just did the first episode on patreon and we fucking called our moms we started off with a bang we called our fucking moms to find out if they were garbage news alert they're both trash real who is a couple of real dumb broads walk no stranger to the happy hour you know I'm talking about my mom got a little political it was a thing I should get a couple of spritzers in her couple of them's and you know who's getting thrown around on the line go to patreon.com slash are you garbage you can sign up you can sign up today and get all the it's instant access and access yeah

we're like fucking porn hub to not wait in a month well most bozos make you wait until the end of the month we get you fucking right in there mixed up cuz get in on the party line because we need the cash we're fucking I'm hemorrhaging funds over here familiar with the term working capital ladies and gentlemen and also to the fucking the merch store is open our podcast merch.com go to are you garbage we have all the new t-shirts we have the fucking make it a kippy we have the milkman which I absolutely love shout out the genius artwork over there in Germany sure did our fucking designs for us you

can get the garbaggio you can get the clean living I really got some fucking hoodies we need the money fucking tighten it up will you gang we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today we have known this gentleman since jump stream off the fucking streets of the West Village going back at least seven eight years this young man is a very sexual it's very successful I want to suck this dick I'll tell you that right now ladies and gentlemen he's a very successful stand-up comedian actor and writer as a comedian you've seen him on Gotham comedy live joking off in the

funny dance show as an actor you seen him on new heights two broke girls school of rock KC undercover group therapy and the last conception and as a writer he's written on singled out and group therapy has a couple jobs coming up that we can't mention right now but gang you know him as the host of HQ trivia but the big question everybody's mind today is he garbage and we're gonna find out do me a favor give it the fuck up as I say many times many a weekend for the one hello the only let's go Matt Richard yeah buddy thanks for doing the show thank you for having you have real Haitian rapper vibes going on right now

I don't know what you're talking about I don't know what you're talking about I came here you're gonna try to sell us a mixtape I'm here for the podcast the glasses I turned around all of a sudden he's in fucking show time he walked in in a sweatsuit now ready damn that the glasses really bring that together they called got gold on every fucking extremity this guy's got the rings he's got the necklace I like to wear my ass I love it I wish I could pull it off is that Versace that the headscarf to do right yeah no this is

Amazon I'm not familiar with that designer I got it on prime prime day do red sale that in a couple episodes of Nightcourt to get one half fault buddy thank you so much for coming and say I'm honored to be here we wanted to have you on for a long time we've been trying plus I heard you threw it in Kevin's face on Saturday night when you brought him up dude he was so he's got a lovely podcast that I have not been on and what he said wouldn't you have he's trashing me to the crescent wouldn't you want to have your friends on your podcast I'm like these people all hate think I'm the biggest jerk off now it

was fun I know yeah you were in rare form on Saturday I was celebrating the president he wrote he rolled it on a Saturday where bottle Annie we're in a $4,000 suit I was like I had a whole bottle of Hennessy do you know what's crazy that night I ended with me hugging the toilet no way really I guess you fell down the steps before it happened as a tricky step Joe the manager at the club I had to pick the lock to the bathroom door to give me I was like that's that's scary because that goes one of two ways yeah next you know the New York Post is there taking pictures no if they got it y'all try the property

bricks they gotta come get you in the bathroom you know you're in fucking bad shape and I was peacefully asleep I took my suit jacket off sleeping on sleeping on a fucking cold bathroom floor ain't to shout when you're all fucked up oh it's great if you gotta come get me in the bathroom I got like 12 needles sticking out of me get ready to drag me out anyway that's neither here nor there buddy we're so happy to have you here give us the backstory the origin story of Matt Richards yeah I think you're a Jersey kid right I was born just north of New Orleans I grew up I was born and raised in Queens yeah

Elmhurst hospital Queens kid I thought you were a city kid did you see my mom I would get in trouble growing up the first time we got there's shit all started C-section breach birth well I was conceived of the cool again my mom used to like if I got in trouble she would run around the house chasing me showing me her scar like what you did to me oh my god yeah so that was moms do hold grudges about yeah he probably fucked up her tight frame she had going on out the moms yeah all right so but then I thought at some point we were in Jersey no so okay grew up Queens right whole life right mom and dad

mom and dad were married before he had me shocker they were very religious we went to church a bunch brothers and sisters have a younger sisters we're like two years apart all right there you go okay then 9-11 yeah what happened up shortly yeah okay I blamed Al-Qaeda thanks a lot and wanted yeah now I got two Christmas I'll get you terrorists wait why do you say 9-11 just as a time frame or that was like two big events in my life okay but they had nothing to do with each other no 9-11 was just the chair I thought it was an insight job explain building seven will you that's it I'm leaving it had to be

some kind of thermo shit going on in there they were inspecting before the days before all right your parents get divorced yeah they split up and where does who goes where where do you stay where do you go my sister I went with mom sure and you know no it's rarely your mom's got to be in bad shape for you to go with it yeah you always go with the mom yeah but neither of them were in like bad sure it was just yeah same same have the same thing happen out with each other what happens yeah I remember my dad's like anybody want to come with us he told all the kids like anybody want to come with me today we're all like get

the fuck out of here fucking staying in the house with the toys fried eggs for dinner no thanks bozo I'll see you on the week dad's actually an exceptional cook oh really really yeah yeah that would have been a tough call for me to my dad mom was on a teriyaki to this day I can't touch teriyaki I get nauseous what lean cuisines like she would make teriyaki chicken and teriyaki salmon I'm like we're not asian why are you doing this to your black ass kids

I get that you're in a karate she'd make us bow before you remember those catch flies with chopsticks you remember those friends you had when you were younger that weren't Asian but their parents had a lot of Asian shit like they have like a like an Asian room divider and like Asian music playing like yeah what the fuck is your mom going to Japan one time one time what's with the samurai sword in the dining room buddy it was my grandpa all the walls are see through from the far east all right so your parents split up you stay with your mom your and your where'd your dad go dad went

to Queens okay so he's right around the corner yeah and mom my sister and I moved to Jersey oh really after you know she was like figuring things out we stayed with some family for a little bit sure then we went out to Jersey City Jersey City nice wait do you guys live in an apartment yeah well we grew up in houses and then after the split it was apartment right so who kept the house so the thing is I think my grandfather owned the house okay your dad's dad my dad's dad all right and we moved to a another house that we were renting after the split it was it was a part apartment life yeah so you moved out to Jersey in an

apartment your dad's in Queens Jersey was a two-family home so it was a house nice duplex type little duplex those are nice not wrong with a dude my living me mom my sister my two sugar gliders you had those wait what I've had sugar gliders for years that's the one thing listen listen he is exceptionally good at it he is exceptionally great with animals I am pet dad of this dude has more fucking pets I challenge anybody to take better care they're animals than me he doesn't listen we okay so it's weird sugar dude they're like flying squirrels but they're I know my buddy I would

fucking freak the fuck out one of my buddies run up I think still he owns the distribution rights for sugar gliders in the United States if you bought it you bought it from like through him it's crazy he's like big sugar he's at the top of the pyramid scheme yeah for sure wait so this thing this goes back since you were a kid yeah I've mine I've always had pets like dogs and cats and then I wanted a lizard really bad my grandmother got me an iguana this when you're young when you had the sugar gliders before the sugar gliders what age we talking with the iguana his name was Ziggy I had Ziggy when I was like

seven before that I had always had a turtle I had a turtle kid a frog kid too that frog turtle everything snakes my uncle Jeff RIP was a big influence on my perpetological study you are good with it man I'll give you that when you when you were out in LA and your apartment you had ever you keep everything tight you keep everything clean my Cali apartment I had fucking I had fish tanks and lizards and birds and shit it just I find having something to take care of keeps me working hard okay but birds dude you can't be having you have birds now no I gave them to my roommate in LA because I went away for

work and when I came back they were really bonded to her to the point where they would bite me really I was like I did not these are your birds what are they are they flying around the apartment are they in the cage Desi learned how to fly on his own and Lucy never took off what kind of dude if you're a loose bird people that's fucking bird dude I remember going to this kid's house he was a little family I didn't even murder I didn't even make it through the foyer I was like fucking hit the bricks see you later now they tell me they would shit in the cage and then not really that's pretty good I'd

be okay with that no as long as they're not shitting on the couch and stuff like that bird shit really freaks me out living on a park bench I was like the old lady from home alone turtle I can't watch that I can't watch that movie in that chick wrote there's bird shit on her shoulder the whole fucking movie that's you if you like birds by the way that wasn't even like set decoration that was actually I know just fucking pigeon shit in honor it's good luck I'd ask for more money for that I'll tell you that all right go back to the sugar gliders you guys move out to Jersey you have sugar gliders in an apartment in my

bedroom what did your mother say I mean I paid for them they're paying right yeah they was cold and I had a I had a six by four foot cage in the corner of my bedroom a six foot cage yeah I was they had their wheel and like all their toys and shit those things are creepy and what do they do they fly they love you yeah but aren't they mad because they can't really stretch their wings oh no they were out and roaming the house like when I was home they'll sit in your pocket they sleep in these I used to wear them in a pouch under my school clothes yeah yeah and just walk around with two sleeping sugar gliders on my

chest I don't know in school yeah I mean I got in trouble all the time in school for bringing pets to school I found a kitten on my way and I had them that rolling backpack shit and I put in my backpack you were rolling backpack kid just cuz the kitten what are you a drug rep what's a pharmaceutical it's working there's an evil bitch named Chudney that's like that's like cartoon movie yeah so she sat next to me in homeroom and she kept seeing me go to my backpack to take care of this kitten and she's like what's in the bag I was like none of your business Chudney and she fucking kicked the backpack what a fucking bitch and I

was like I never hit a girl but I break your face Chudney you are not a woman somebody touched my kitty cat I kill you the following year she stole my game boy he's gonna be crying if he keeps telling us he's just bullied you all through middle school I think she liked me but I don't senior high school she stole my heart Chudney wait the cat I the kittens I understand kitten I understand you so didn't the sugar gliders get out when you were in school no they slept all day yeah they just curl up in there not in your pockets and just sleep there but when they were in the house they were

like doing the whoa jumping around I carpeted the entire side of my bookshelf so they could run up to the top of the bookshelf glide to the bed and they would just do like a hinge of warriors yeah that's the thing I would I would I want to say this is all garbage but the way he does it specifically he's like he's really really good at it as a teenager I worked at the Reptile Museum in Hicksville Long Island and I used to get tours at Hicksville is a shitty place they close the Reptile Museum but it was just your Iguana it's just one step right up step right he was just on the train with a good one come see the exotic Iguana from

Florida all right they close it down cuz I think the owner wasn't taking proper care he kept he had a lot of alligators for no reason yeah those people fuck you have an alligator in fucking Long Island that's crazy all right so go ahead so you're you're living in the apartment in Jersey that's where you went to school all that kind of went to school high school I moved to Jersey after graduating high school didn't go to college so wait hold on so you so your entire you growing up you were in Queens yeah okay all right all right why did you move why did you move to Jersey after high school I was torn with a play

okay it was just easier to keep all my shit at your mom's all right okay okay eight months a year damn so growing up you were a city kid yeah nice all right that gives us a little bit of a picture and your sister lived with you all the way up until high school yeah no collar you didn't go to school because you were touring you were working as an actor straight out of school I went on the road okay all right it gives us a little bit of a picture there I used to like cut high school leave early to go to the city to sell tickets for comedy shows okay yeah you've always been a worker yeah granted kids and earner for

sure yeah I mean that's your point sophomore year I was making about $600 a day between doing magic on the subway and comedy ticket sales really yeah so that's where you're funding all the animal okay he was on like the queue train or something old Russian guy with the oh it's a little car addition with the like he's got like a dove and a bird all like in the car yeah that's my nigga oh no really are you serious it's just like this we went the bird school together yeah that's blood I know we was blood so whoop my mom's a hematologist is she really yeah that's a piece of ass for the next show listen

patreon.com.com and how many animals before we get into the questions here do I have currently no no no yeah I want to know that now okay that but growing up because you kind of you made it seem like I thought you left Queens when you were a little kid no I was in Queens throughout high school all right graduated from Frank Sinatra school of the arts is that trash what performing art school Tony Bennett opened it he used to walk the hallways all the time that's what Tony Bennett Tony Bennett opened the school in honor of Frank that's what those that's what New York has all those performing our schools where you know

it's like you know those things are fucking dope Frank some figure SATs no no you didn't I was I had like four periods of theater a day ballet and shit our gym was kickboxing class what was Tony Bennett like he was cool he was old fuck hey Matt good to see you man I don't remember ever talking to I just knew yeah I don't think he was there every day he was engaged to a man he was there you come by all the time I guess I do a couple of numbers yeah I left my heart hey gang support for are you garbage is brought to you today by our new sponsor Manskate baby the best in below the waist grooming for men it's

the best thing out there they got the tools for your family Jules if you know what I'm talking about hit it big man dude I'm telling you right now and this is not because it's an ad this thing is unbelievable before no listen I'm a bigger guy sure all right so if things you know if the front yards growing down there there's a lot of discomfort there's a little bit of odor there's a little bit of this there's a little bit of that it's very important to your daily use you say it dude it really is and I used to use just the beard trimmer that I use on my face but when you're doing that down there all right it's got the metal

blades you don't know what's going on there's no guard and when you swim you something down there it stings yeah it stings for a couple of days and it's dangerous and listen you only get one of them things you can't be walking around with a couple of nicks on it you know what I mean but dude it's crazy these guys at Manscape they got the ceramic blade which reduces any kind of accidents you know what I mean it has a 90 minute charger all right so you got 90 minutes of use on it they run at 7,000 RPMs right how powerful is that but they use a quiet stroke would keeps it nice and soft listen so do I you know what I mean

it's running right now yeah you can barely hear it and not to mention they have an LED light which is the most important thing because you can see where you're driving down there yeah you're not driving blind in the middle of the night you know what I mean and on top of that the things waterproof you could take it in a shower you can clean yourself up nice thing is awesome I can't believe that they sent us one for free this is unbelievable and I love this thing yeah it's great so guys trim that junk of yours if you're a listener of the show we have a special deal for you you get 20% off big man what 20% to zero

20% off and add ain't done yet and free shipping when you use the promo code garbage at manscape.com that's promo code garbage at manscape.com that's 20% off and free shipping manscape.com use promo code garbage yes back to the show shout out to Tony B shout out to Tony B if you like the smooth sounds of fucking old school music check out Tony Bennett mm-hmm all right let's get in a little argue garbage here I think we have enough pictures painted first off let's go back to Kevin's question also to this is this will be interesting because you're kind of new money a little bit you're maybe you're successful now you know you

got you're making a couple of bucks and you're spending it which I don't I'm investing the fuck out of it actually sure no I know you're very smart I mean I've talked to you about you know Bitcoin and other stuff I do I do spend a little too much I remember a video I love what you spend it on you spend it on that you're like it's like it's the Ricky Bobby effect you know and it's like tell you gotta money and you got like he's got like he's got to motorize one wheel skateboard that he zips around the city has already paid for itself of course and the amount of ubers I don't have to take I remember when you first

got one of your little chunks of change a few years ago why y'all niggas clock y'all setting me up to I remember it was March 14 I remember when you first started making money I said I won't get it no you went to your I'm gonna start a podcast in four years and have a comment rob them you went to your mom's work and dumped money on her that was fun I just showed up at my mom's job and it just threw money at her my god turn it into a big pun video I love it rain on my mom it's awesome what did she say she was like what the fuck she thought she was leaving for good you were like that's

not enough wait till your break wait till you're right yeah I love it all right how many pets do you have now I got two dogs two cats and a saltwater fish tank that's perfectly acceptable it's up there that's on the high I mean he's nicer in the judging of it that's up there for me four pets in a New York City apartment it's crazy I'm sure it is I'm just saying that's a lot I got a private dog run well that's pretty good I'll give you that your dogs are awesome by the way yes shout out to Thorin very nice they're listening they subscribe they're on the page around the pet thing is it's in the file but like I said it's

you know it's nice it's tricky with you because you're you're a vacuum five times a day of course what you had you do it the right way it's still a lot of pets oh yeah oh yeah all right let's go back a little bit now you said your mom a lot of teriyaki what was the what was the name of the street that you grew up on okay that I spent most of my time yes or my formative years is that the same yeah I don't know what are your formative formative years formative years are younger that's when you like formin that's like elementary high school no I think formative years I don't fucking know yeah what is one of them hey Siri

what is the formative here who the fuck is that guy I made my Syria dude cuz I feel weird yelling at a lady I'm progressive he didn't help no just now what was it so when you guys moved into the apartment in Queens what was was a street I believe it was is it a number it was South conduit Avenue South conduit Avenue that's not too bad that's a that's a New York Street it'd be bad if you were like I was the FDR or whatever damn near and Wicke expressway it was like that it was like a highway that connected Queens and Long Island I was on the border of Queens that's out

there Rosedale deep as fuck that's a lot of buses rose 70 I took the bus from the first stop to the last stop and the train from the first stop to my school ever get out there on that E trade do that E train that that thing goes to fucking literally don't get off of it I would take the E train from the city to the last fucking stop yeah and then the bus from the that's a tough look having to take the train all the way and then the bus somewhere else I think one of our buddies said that he's like yeah then he just hop on the top on the bus but then I started doing the Long Island railroad

that was a lot faster okay okay all right what was what was the name of the grocery store your parents went to growing up associated that's a nice one yeah that's a nice thing now I don't think I've ever been to associate yeah there's one I shopped it one up until like two months ago yeah in the city Mary Hill yeah it wasn't my I mean I've been in work it was not it wasn't a key food I'm not getting the oysters or anything it was like a key food okay kind of they were always playing like freestyle music yeah yeah like can you feel the beat within my heart

dude you going to Dominican neighborhood key foods they get your fucking dog I'm picking out there's always I'm always buying rice and beans for sex coconut and mango I went in for a frozen pizza I came out with rice and beans back and going they get in the mood dude that's a party got a soccer shirt all right associated would make dinner when you were a kid your mom would mom would do would do dinner you'd be mom or dad on any given night but once we were with mom it was mom and would you sit down at the table or would you guys sit or sit around the couch and watch TV

okay but then as we all got a little older you know high school age I was just going into my room real dinner in the room yeah that's kind of weird that's gonna have to go that's in the file in the file your mom makes dinner you come home you make yourself a plate I wasn't getting home though until long after dinner was all right growing up when you were like a kid kid and the family was still together oh yeah we sat at the table all right you want to let me in your room then no and I will say this I shared a room with my sister we had bunk beds and the sugar gliders that was before the sugar isn't there's

something to be said though when you do come home a little bit later when dinner's over all right and but it's still sitting out and like you know it's wrapped up it's on the stove it fucking tastes so much better it's been marinated I don't know why I love that you go home you can still smell a little thinner cooking it's like eight o'clock that's why I was all I was trying to explain this in the podcast I was always jealous of my dad if he came home later and didn't eat with us he would come home and like fix his plate and by you know it'd be like three hours after dinner so I'd be hungry again I'm like

just the way like the dad with your dad set it up it just looks so fucking dad has no how to eat man do man little pepper little salt my fucking clancy that was the way they make it they make it look like you're not a dad drop that pepper will you the way he would freshly crack it man fucking real nice all right let's switch let's switch gears that brings up one that I've had that I didn't have down for you but that brings it up do you currently what's your pepper shaker do you have like the grinder do you have the dumper I have a grinder okay that's class yeah I have like if you have one like you stole from

a Denny's or something that's a tough look I ordered a salt yeah I'm primed it anybody and even if if you're like you know around our age right now you live in on your own and you don't have a fresh pepper grinder that's I cook though I so I love I love yeah there's no need to have the fucking little metal McCormick fucking pepper things anymore in the state the fucking 80s how I had we have one is backup oh yeah just in case you run out of the pepper what I mean who's keeping the pepper the peppercorn in their house is big on pepper yeah we have a bottle of peppercorn in there all right well I'm

saying if you run out just bought a two pound bag of Jesus Christ it's a seven peppercorn what do you emerald like I see just whole pepper he's pepper break him up with my teeth when I chew that's pretty good me as yes when you go to the grocery store when it comes to like maybe dairy products or things like that do you take the first one or do you take the second one behind it I usually take the first one take the first one in for okay yeah because I know a lot of people trashy people myself included I'll never take the first one why I don't know we feel like the the first one there's something wrong with it people

have been touching it we always take the second one behind yeah because you're you have such trash in your DNA out to get you for some reason are you the guy that goes to the handicapped stall cuz you think it's cleaner oh yeah yeah that's the dirtiest one yeah plus it's bigger that's the one everybody goes to cuz they think oh I haven't seen anybody yeah yeah I was handicaps always big I like to stretch it out a little bit I go first stall really nobody knows that one yeah that's smart all right I well why we're on the subject that's too much heat coming in you walk into my shoes there's a lot of the backs that nobody can

get the first one hold on really sometimes wait say that again it like it depends on where I'm shitting but it like generally if I know it's a high traffic bathroom I'll kick my feet up against the wall why you're shitting it's comfortable you can say you can shit laying down it's like a squatty-potty I guess that kind of makes sense I couldn't do that I leave my head against it when you you will so you go into the first stall right yeah it's how do you clean the toilet seat all right see if they don't have one of those the toilet napkin yeah they did well you use that you'll lay that down okay whatever you

don't get any spread it hold on let him all right all right sorry just he's a big guy I need a lot there's a lot of there's a lot of meat down I need a part to see his ass spilling over the side of the toilet he takes up two stalls actually one cheek for you go in if there's no if there is no ring no paper ring what do you do well now that I'm carrying like little sanitizers sometimes I might do little squirt squirt that's smart but okay before no you know sand sanitizer just wipe yeah yeah fully puts the takes a roll of toilet paper dips it in the water then wipes it in the toilet then wipes that on the seat after I flushed

it a couple of doesn't matter I so here's the thing that I do that I don't know that's insanity if I don't like if I see the okay there's no visible droplets of pee I'll take a little bit of toilet paper and then like fold it and put it on that uh like the where the dick would go that's that's a pro move just oh yeah so you get no rubbish I don't want my dick rubbing on the thing yeah that's 100% of the time I do toilet condom I've had that where my little my peepee touches that and I'm like yeah when I shit my dick touched the water I don't have that problem my mind's only air baby skydiving sometimes sometimes

I'll sit down and then I'll pee and the pee will come out the like between the thing yeah that's a lot of pressure coming from yeah center out all right yeah my dick looks like it's like looking at the window of an airplane just like that's not not a good look yeah I don't think anybody thought of it's gonna be a fucking hell of a nice piece on you by the right now you know he's a huge idiot but you should see his piece all right let's keep moving along I'm not the one on trial here god damn it have you ever taken a picture with your barber actually because I'm straight I have actually but here's why I had so I

had to go back to Queens to vote that's so fun I didn't change my my address on my voter registration and since I was in Queens I went by the guy that used to cut my hair when I was like in high school uh-huh spatch and he gave me a cut and I was like oh let's get a selfie dog I take a picture with you in a minute it's good to see you I'll give you that that's a little yeah it's a little bit different make sounds like yeah I hadn't seen the dude in 10 years but I see people posting pictures with their barber on the regular I took it and didn't post it cuz I looked weird but all right I got one have you ever had a

ring back tone yes no wait that's when people call you please wait while your party is reached and then like you know I've always wanted really dude that shit is you are not fielding any any good calls I did used to buy ring tones on Jamaica Avenue yeah somebody what do you mean there was a there was a dude that used to sell ring tones I didn't know how did you buy them I wasn't tech savvy enough to download the song and then cut it so he would send you the song or whatever I would go to his cell phone repair shop this little kiosk in like a mall and he charged a dollar per ring tone that ain't bad and so I would just

give him five bucks and he would put like this is on my next tail when everybody had sure back baby and he would put the shits on my phone so and I just I'd be walking around with like bowling no lie I mean you're 32 when that's okay I miss so many calls cuz a ring tone you notice wait with the next tell ones the walkie-talkie how far did they go like for anywhere oh really nationally yeah so wasn't so you could literally just talk on a walkie-talkie to somebody across the coast so you know you saving money on a call yeah it was mo it was like well there that was big and then when they were motorola I remember

those yeah that was like the construction workers phone you know what I mean because you know it's easier to communicate or whatever but then everything went that was before you couldn't call they charge you if I called if we had the same provider then it was free within providers and they're going yeah we don't need to have these fucking conversations out loud you can just pick up the phone because they were still charged for minutes and phone calls at that time yeah it was clutch that was like yeah $10 a month or whatever you could it was I remember having phone sex via church what this is garbage but we

were 15 that's hot and it's out loud too well then her dad took the phone you want to what I went real quick I was like no sorry sorry I was it not for you yeah yeah I was 18 the rest of my cast was like 20 23 and up and so they would all go out to bars and clubs we would be on the road so I spent a lot of time in the hotel alone yeah this is gonna bite me in the ass I called called an escort from Orlando she came to my villa and played PlayStation with me nerd yeah I didn't learn I don't want to have sex with you I literally only yeah we just sat and played Mortal Kombat and she was like you don't have to pay me for this

I'm trying to do a fatality I actually ended up meeting up with a girl that I would I'm like I did I did not the way she described herself I'll be honest with you got catfish we got I got fucking dolphin and she got wailed all right we're having fun we called we called a stripper in North Carolina or South Carolina Myrtle Beach that's how trash we are we got one to the hotel like we came back from the bar all fucked up we're like let's call this stripper to come to the hotel and then they were like oh we're you know we're an hour and a half away we're like whatever we're still like but then you know it's like three

o'clock in the morning you start fading quick that battery life starts dropping real fast how are you an hour and a half away dude it's myrtle be I don't who the fuck knows I mean we were that I think we were you know scraping the bottom of the barrel so we weren't going after the blue chip I went to a weird strip club in Dylan South Carolina oh any town named after a guy yeah come on over to Chad like what the fuck we show up dude we're in a flannel with cut off and he's just playing pool by himself it was me and my boy Joseph Reese that was a stripper no he goes he boys from out of town he's it you guys want the girl he's like

no this is gonna be an amazing story it wasn't it was not it was not an amazing story at all Barbie doll had minimal teeth first time I smelled crack cocaine hmm good for her all right do you currently have a storage unit yes okay it's gonna be garbage put that one down as garbage right there fair enough have you ever oh sorry I defend of course please if I may sure for a while I was paying rent on the east coast on the west coast because I kept my apartment out there okay that's I need to go back okay and then when HQ became a more permanent part of my life okay I packed up the LA apartment put everything in

the storage that's what I'll give you that's what I'll give you that I have a shit ton of fucking tanks and lighting and all right shit more animals shake your dough board okay have you ever seen your parents fight someone paid the bill in six months you're shaking to be on store probably and we got a sugar glider tank and that's 40 bucks right there somebody's gonna come up some magic shit oh there is magic shit in there kippy I like that question yeah have you ever seen your parents fight someone together no and you're like has your your mom ever gotten a scuffle or like a TJ Max or your dad at a little

league game or something no my mom did yell at a homeless woman about pizza why about it my mom was on her way home from work I was on my way home from school so she was like hey well I had already gotten home she was like yo I left like 30 bucks go grab a pizza and some wings bring it back all right cool so I go to pick up the pizza as I'm walking back to the to the crib there's a homeless woman she's like hey can I have a slice of your pizza and I was like my hands are full I got I don't want you to touch it yeah like no disrespect I would happily give you a piece and my mom is walking from the railroad and she's

like she's like hey is everything all right I was again she wanted a slice of the pizza and my mom was like oh don't worry sweetie I'll get you was it to two dollars here I'll give you two dollars throwing something extra you get yourself something to drink and the woman's like I want a slice of yours oh yeah and she's like that is for my children get real I'm giving you my an assault on your own slice yeah okay and she's like but what if I don't like it and my mom's like what if you don't like the pizza that's for my kid huh you taking food out of my kids mouth they just went back Jesus and the pizza got cold I'll never forget that

day I almost saw my mom get her ass kicked really all my like dude so there's I think I'm gonna mention this family moved in from like Philly moved into the suburbs yeah the bruisers yeah they had they was like a fucking slip and fall or something they made a bunch of money like they weren't they weren't cut out for you know they were definitely new money they were tough kids and the son hit me in the head with a hockey stick I went down my brother went out to beat him up brother beat my brother and then my mom went over to be like you're fucking kids or you know what the fuck and then she was screaming out the ones I'm gonna come

down there kick your ass like I get back in the car like they're not taking out the whole family leave it a little fucking big holy shit yeah that's fucking have you ever seen your parents fight anybody literally game or something I've honestly never seen them I've seen maybe my dad almost get into a fight at softball games pussy that that in like I would fuck you at least listen you hear that day fucking bald kids talking shit about I would run through the Foley's lightworks son they used to maybe almost get in fights with like the other team I've never oh yeah yeah I've never seen them I've never seen them like getting

to like an argument I've seen my mom lose it maybe a couple of times at like a grocery store something like that but never never anything she never almost got beat up by the neighbors if that's what you're asking my dad almost my dad almost fall to dude and ACME like not that long ago like within the but it was probably like seven years ago because the guy cut in front of him in line my dad's like you got a problem like you got a fucking tone it down to stand up for that she started doing like security and bouncing after my parents put up mm-hmm and I remember he didn't come home one night because well I think it's

before this but I started bouncing but he didn't come home one night because he got jumped damn yeah some dude he kicked a drunk eye out of the bar somehow the drunk I gets back in my dad's not paying attention and the dude cracks him over the head with a ketchup bottle ketchup bottle you got stomped the fuck out that's fucking that's gotta be scary too because you see the ketchup everywhere you think you're fucking bleeding yeah never mind never mind let me get some fries 57 that's trash you hit somebody you look like a gentleman you hit somebody with a beer bottle yeah it should be a Budweiser catch up yeah catch up

disrespectful hit somebody with that's what you do it at diner that's not fucking I think he was just trying to tap the 57 I had a plate of tots he needed to fucking juice up Slurpees or icies Slurpees or 7-Eleven icies everywhere yeah I mean I've had my share of icies okay pretty classy 7-Elevens are dirty so anything 7-Elevens are dirty it's not dirty 7 did listen the 7-Elevens are trash no it's not your name one 7-Eleven in New York that's not trash every single one is disgusting I don't know to a 7-Eleven the other day around the corner from the New York Comedy Club yeah and a dude sang to me while I picked up oh dude that one's like

fucking downtown Beirut that one is bad yeah what you talking about the one on 23rd and the one on 5th Avenue I saw a couple I saw dudes just steal the beers locked up in that one that's how you know it's not good you have to get a key to get I know it's like the medicine and a fucking pharmacy yeah all the black hair care product all that shit that's fucked up by the way dude they know who's meanwhile herbal essence is fucking right out front they're not touching the VO file yeah I don't want that we got to sell some blue out front like I gotta shout out melon bitches one of the reasons I think I'm bald is

cuz I use I only use Mary's and Dax for like fucking 12 years I won't make why I'm trying to get away it didn't know it just held up my hair perfectly I do the little bit of Mary's and then you shout like two days later that's when you get like don't really good dude it's like Vaseline that shit don't come out it's like fucking dude it's in there for like a week Murray's same candle last you fucking ten you use the black hair care products yeah it was going to school in North Philly that's why I could get my hands on Murray's is it was like 99 cents a jar walking around with a wave cap I can see it I can see it too man I would

now just picturing you with like full-on waves waves in my head looking like tsunami hit it son boom how do you feel right now there's been a big thing on the podcast for the last couple of days how do you feel about bacon cooked in the microwave I mean I've done it as a youth as a youth interesting like I was you know if you high as fuck and you need bacon immediately yeah I can get it to win it pop with bacon grease while high is not fun yeah feels worse now I would never yeah whatever pretty classy answer I throw it on the bucket I got a griddle and all that okay I'll do it in the oven if I'm pressed for time okay and I want a

particular type of crunch oh sky fucking take the line eating between crunches that he is a good cook I'll give it on the sandwich you you know you need different bacon textures true BLT you want a more on the crispy side if you having a bacon egg and cheese on a fresh Kaiser roll you're gonna want like a bacon that sort of contours and compliments the yeah it can be a fucking too dry and crunchy on a bacon I'll never forget I had Barry ribs came and crashed with me in LA and he's still to this day talks to me about the bacon egg and cheese one of the best bacon ever handed my life that's funny have you

ever had a manicure yes you get them regularly like so I stopped biting my nails when I turned 30 I was like that I'm done really and then I got on a plane and it's very turbulent so while I was not biting my nails I'll go in many petty but that's nice okay that's not I never had one ever use a shoehorn no all right have you ever used bounty wrinkle release dryer sheets no like the spray that gets the wrinkles out okay I read it a quiz no yeah quiz nose ink too shabby really that's a chicken carbonara because they are good to us the quiz no so yeah they are tasty I said quiz nose is garbage I can't stand the

smell of subway oh really that was my next question I wasn't gonna ask you if you're a to the subway but if you ever had your sandwich heated up in a subway I've gotten a toasted so yeah that's garbage Italian urban cheese with spicy beer the spicy Italian I would do a chicken farm from subway yeah not proud what the fuck extra provolone and bacon I'll tell you what they used to not do pretty pretty shabby was their meatball sub was okay yeah they're meatballs up and fucking hard to fuck up a meatball stuff it's true you start with good meatballs you know that's it that's it you're rolling but the sauce

can save you even if they're not that good to shape have you ever collected or carried pocket knives I don't know if I'd call it a collection but definitely carried yeah I think I got one on me now no I don't um yeah I carry pocket never do karate in public in the class really Tiger Shulman's but I enrolled in Tiger Shulman's recently what yeah I swear to my class this is the fucked up part my class was all black belt my first day and I was like yeah I'm not in the right class cuz I watched a bunch of Cobra Kai on Netflix oh and I was like I need to train see this is what I think that's like new money shit where he's

like I gotta I gotta get an instructor to teach me how to fucking out of the family protect all his jewelry I still going twice a week you're going to Tiger Shulman it's not a week MMA now that's a little different I wanted to go to karate but it's full on MMA is it Tiger Shulman's yes so they've switched over from just karate to MMA Tiger Shulman's MMA and my sensei Lyman good was a Bellator fighter for a while now he's doing UFC this I I wanted to make jokes but this nigga kick ass oh yeah for sure he's a bad motherfucker man I got out to since a Lyman good are there kids in your class no I mean is it

this is kid he was doing the most with the like we were supposed to do like strength training exercises like squats and shit he would jump and clap after every squat and I was like you showing off yeah there's nobody here mm-hmm what do you have the key and then I it's not a key it's like these these karate pants and then a tiger showman's t-shirt white belt that I wrote black lives matter it's too white that's what they gave up on the ghee huh yeah casual Friday it's not but you're wearing a Tiger Shulman's shirt to Tiger Shulman's it's the uniform it's the uniform the shoes like you can't do it in another D no what are

we talking about fairfoot someone in Metallica wearing a Metallica shirt to a concert but like okay do you wear jeans to the pool sometimes yeah in the that's garbage yeah I'm swimming cut off jean shorts I'm swimming my shirt just your shwee mean like nothing no bottom to a pool party because there was some hot ladies there and I was like I'm not ready for this yeah you look even worse you gotta fucking roll the dice it's a that's a you got to just own it that brings it that's another question do you own a bathing suit now if you're gonna go swimming you got a bathing suit you're going in like shorts I own a

couple bathing okay nice you're a tuxedo right now do I have a tuxedo you do own one several well really tuxes suits yeah yeah your suit games fucking on point that's true that's a big one that's a big question we ask is if like something were to happen you have a job interviewer funeral go to tomorrow yeah do you have a suit you can put on and buy you are fucking he's got a lot of soup than not 30 suits yeah you come in after a day of work shoot in HQ they come in New York comedy comes in clean look look in spiffy comes in fresh HQ I rarely wear the suit pants yeah it's from the way nobody knows that's even got his

karate pants I came he's doing a little kicks straight from the dojo had to ask well question he's got his tiger pants on when was the last time you bought a 40 oh my uncle Jeff had passed away and I know him and my dad he was my dad's cousin they used to go to the beach and they had this thing called the great pumpkin and they would take whatever liquors they had poured in the pumpkin and just pass around this communal pumpkin get fucked up on the beach so my dad and all my like uncles and older cousins at the funeral I went and bought a bunch of 40s when we came back and celebrated that's pretty classic an

actual pumpkin or the plastic it was like a plastic pumpkin huh that's cool trick or treating yeah I don't know why they brought it to the beach they didn't have like a punchbowl that's right that's pretty that's good though as long as you're not buying them to like sit in your house and drink yeah what was the last time you know was last year we had a four loco or a nose what's it called Noss Noss I don't like last time I had a four loco was at the height of the protest okay in the summer no I think it was a little before yeah it was in the spring yeah I've had one shockingly recently I I remember when he had it

with his fucking meatball sub from Subway high school I was pouring four loco's in the coffee cups and drinking them shits in class Jesus what are you a divorce dad what the fuck you drinking in school yeah man I needed to to get through all that Shakespeare one was the last time you use an ATM just to check your balance I haven't done that wrong I got the app excellent yeah excellent and second part of the question have you ever gotten cash back when you make a purchase accidentally I hit yes kids are fucking gentlemen I hit yes the other day at the fucking where was I TJ max I'm a Max and Easter baby they have so

many socks and 90s Nickelodeon nostalgia yeah but yeah I hit yes accidentally and the chick gave me $20 I was like what is this she's like that's yours I was like why I thought I was like a mystery shop all right have you ever been to an Olive Garden yes Red Lobster of course okay I'm black have you ever been to have you ever I didn't want to ask the number one graduation dinner get those biscuits going Red Lobster or Sizzler man any time you graduate from something you getting some Cheddar Bay biscuits man I fucking love this I only have ever been I ain't been to sizzler in a minute but

Red Lobster I ordered Red Lobster during the quarantine to the house yeah what you get uh what do we shellfish doesn't travel well no I mean it's 15 minutes away yeah good yeah I want to get back to a Red Lobster $80 of Red Lobster I was ready to complain I'll be right with you okay all right I think we just got a couple more questions here mm-hmm can't be what he got have you ever been to a pawn shop yes have you ever pawned anything that's when you put it in yes no sold anything to them or bought anything I've bought shit from yeah I just went in because I was watching porn porn stars and I went in I asked the

guy I was like y'all selling the jewelry here he's like not like the fake shit you're wearing Jesus that was before I got real real yeah I bought a part of pawn shop and then I sold the that same guitar back to that pawn shop no doubt at a lesser price yeah I was gonna say that but the margin didn't hold up on that one have you ever made nachos in the microwave no what do you keep your ketchup in the refrigerator or in the cabinet I do not own ketchup really why not for children because of your dad thing no just don't fucking eat ketchup because I wasn't sure if it was bad memories you don't use ketchup no bro what do you put on your scramby eggs in the morning

besides fucking I cook them in the little butter mm-hmm and then I fucking throw some hot sauce no ketchup you what mayonnaise I have mayonnaise mustard I have three types of mustard three types of mustard yellow spicy brown and this mustard I got from a kosher deli it's like I know I know exactly talking about that shit almost like a german mustard kind of yeah I have two types of sauerkraut in the fridge right now damn okay probiotics man get you pretty classy now when you do order takeout said you know red lobster will you plate it or will you eat out of the I eat I'm not trying to do more dishes I just ordered top better out of yesterday pin foil no do you take leftovers home from a restaurant uh no wait my man hit me jack I've never fucking not finished

yes of course really I don't remember the last time I ate something that you didn't that I didn't finish yeah that's crazy talk that's that's that's I didn't get this belly that's what that's women shit leaving food for later interesting wow I thought you were gonna be all over that dog that shit and I don't get up from the table until I'm done hmm yeah starving kids in Africa my last question is growing up did you have breakfast did you have milk with dinner no really I thought only white people did that hey hey hey good and not all white people all right only real trashy ones well you are you telling me that the tanners were trash yeah there was 15 of them fucking guys living in the house that ain't classy

they had to have nine parents paying the mortgage on that thing I mean after after the mom passed away who's the tanners she wasn't yeah they were trash gibbler who knows what she was up to she was the friendly quirky neighbor that would stop by to she was she was selling she was selling pills come on she was I didn't trust that kid as far as she was she was fucking getting higher on her own supply yeah you know John Stamos was doing a little up in that room fucking cleaning the rock I just thought they were trash that was like such a cool family dynamic they had the dog comment that dog was great the fact that uncle Jesse lived downstairs and had like a recording studio down there like Jesse and the rippers dude that was the coolest

fucking thing to me and I remember the one episode there was a light on it was like don't come down when this red lights on I'm like man I want a red light in my house you want that you're over when you're pulling pulling your pud yeah would make you laugh I talk forever was that a song Jesse and the rivers Jesse the rivers uh what was the what was the guitarist name that uh DJ dated or not yeah Steve was it Steve I don't know if Steve played guitar but he played football yeah not Steve but did she dated like Viper so it was like something so it was like Viper or Snake or something yeah it was real bad all right I got one last one what is growing up what is or now at any time what is your favorite type of frozen pizza

I can't answer I live in New York yeah frozen pizza in New York is sacrilegious I don't know I still get it I just had one just tophers friend bread people were talking here today in the Facebook group about uh the Giorno's croissant crusted pizza that's come on I went to get one what two nights ago but they didn't have it at the grocery store but they did have their pan pizza which is like their Sicilian I feel like I'm never man never more than like four blocks away from a decent place you know sometimes just want frozen pizza fuck no maybe that's a pretty good thing I don't know man I never caught myself craving a pizza that I had to wait a half hour that's pretty good I go to uh you know any one of the pieces in 15 minutes and they got

a fresh ass pot true true maybe it's a suburban thing I don't know but sometimes I just crave like like a frozen like actual frozen pizza I don't even like tostino's pizza you better get the hell out of here get the doorman to kick him the fuck out of here throw you out like jazzy Jeff they're trashing Totino's I mean I think what's the verdict on this one I think it's pretty classy right there's nothing there's nothing lean in trash I think that's just because you guys ask the wrong questions I don't know I mean you've definitely done trashy shit oh you know questionable behavior but that doesn't make you a there's a difference between you know doing shitty things or trashy things or sexually promiscuous nothing wrong with that no

but I think I mean you know you had a solid upbringing you know I mean you got some you know a little bit of the new money thing but that's fine I mean but everything I'm just enjoying life man yeah can't come at you for the pets we can't I can't catch on the you do the pets right I think it's a little too many pets but you do them right as soon as I live here we're going back to the dog park and then I gotta go to the fish store to pick up some uh reverse osmosis deionized water Jesus Christ who makes that Pellegrino buddy is there anything you want to promote anything yet coming up she uh hey everybody play HQ trivia we're back there you go seven nights a week at 9 p.m. get on it peeps get on it and what's your social Matt was funny that was funny on all

platforms except tiktok oh tiktok it's Matt Richards 808 I was going through a phase where I thought I was going to be a music producer I bought a little beat machine little mini keyboard thing I was trying to make beats that's what that's what people were scrambling over the cooking shows I didn't know what I was doing man I was like I gotta figure out something comedy is gone comedy is gone for the foreseeable future I'm about to make beats oh my god that's awesome give you what do they gotta know out there uh as always please make sure you rate reviews subscribe on iTunes uh tell a friend about the show we're fucking cooking with gas over yes sir or you know now that the studio is up and running um patreon guys if you want to support

the show you can go to patreon.com slash are you garbage there's three different levels you can choose and also too like we said before we get hit up so many times uh with people submitting their own questions for us to ask that if you do join up for patreon we will 100 answer your question uh or ask your question you know to a guest or if we do a a host episode or whatever um we will definitely get to it and you'll get bonus episodes every week you'll get hard bonus episode of hard feelings every week and we're gonna be doing videos and shit like that so sign up do it very nice and gang comment on the youtube uh youtube page if there's a guest that you want to see on the podcast please reach out to us uh tweet about it and stuff like that and uh we'll try to make it happen we love

you and we'll see you next week I thought patreon was for like selling feet pics no that's uh only fans only fans dot com slash kevin ryan max please come get these feet max slash h folies butthole see you guys