Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Matteo Lane!

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by Matteo Lane! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ MVMT: https://www.MVMT.com/Garbage Rocket Money: rocketmoney.com/garbage Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Attention, attention, New York City, New York. The Big Apple, baby! Are you Garbage Live is coming to the Gramercy Theater February 4th, baby, you're not gonna wanna miss it. It's gonna be our biggest show yet. Army of Garbage Unite, baby. Long Island, New Jersey, Brooklyn, Queens, Connecticut, Staten Island.

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are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy,

or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antutti's basement. She's upstairs saying a couple of our fathers accidentally ate at a vegan restaurant last night. Now she thinks she's going to hell. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage.

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Works to ones and twos, crosses the T's, dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullin, everybody. What's up, dudes? Hey, pal. Yo, if anybody's gotta do some laundry, do it on his kid's abs.

Woo! He's in here. He's in here. Tight. Real tight. Gang, the long hair ain't lyin'. We could not be more excited to have her incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests.

Here with us today for the first time, he is a very funny, very accomplished, very talented, stand-up comedian, actor, artist, singer, and podcaster. You may have seen him in, but not limited to, joking off, crashing, The Nightly Show, Guy Code vs. Girl Code, Night Train, Ladylike, Seth Meyers, At Midnight, Then and Now, The Late Show, Vidiot's, Ghost Hunt, Laugh Tracks, Comedy Knockout,

This Week at the Comedy Cellar, Lights Out with David Spade, Jimmy Kimmel, The Comedy Lineup on Netflix. He has an amazing podcast which you can listen to every week called Inside the Closet. He is currently on tour right now. A lot of theaters in there. The kids moving some dickies,

and he has a fantastic brand new special out right now on his YouTube page called The Advice Special, but the big question was mine today, is he garbage? I would have said no way, but he texted ahead of time and said, does anybody have a charger? So we're gonna see how things shake out, but give it up for the one, the only, Mateo Lane, everybody. It was a charger for an iPhone, not a Samsung, so.

It was an iPhone 4, though, I would have said. It was an old charger. Is there a cricket store around the studio by any chance? That's so funny, I forgot it was on those shows that no one watched, killing it, Vidiot. It really blows the dust off the credits. Really, I gotta go back. You know what's funny, Guy Code was a great show, though.

The bathrooms here actually reminded me, I walked in, it smelled, it was like, this reminds me of the bathrooms from Guy Code. It was like a brief memory of like. The bathrooms ain't great here. Real kitty litter vibes in there. A little bit. But it's nice to have like, it's so Manhattan,

you're pissing next to an open window, you're like, I'm sure someone's looking at my dick right now. I don't care. Just see laundry hanging in the back. Buddy, thank you for coming in. Congratulations on everything, you're killing it. Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story, Mateo Elaine.

I was bit by a radioactive spider. Bit by a gay spider. Yeah, all spiders are kind of gay, those webs, come on. Yeah, I'm from Arlington Heights, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago, right next to O'Hare Airport. And big. How close to the airport? Yeah, how close to the airport. Like next to, I mean, like a 10 minute drive,

like O'Hare is like. That's close to the airport. So they flew over all the time. Yeah, and I remember on 9-11, that's really bringing things down. That's how we start a podcast, baby. Well, it was strange because all flights were canceled, and so we were used to over our house and nothing. Just quiet. It was very quiet.

First day you could get some goddamn peace. No, my mom's Italian Mexican, there's no peace in my home. But yeah, I grew up, I'm very family oriented. I mean, I have a lot of first cousins, we all grew up on the same block, we were raised like siblings. Love that. Really, okay. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I went to art school,

I went to the school of the artist dude of Chicago for drawing and painting. I lived in Italy for a little bit, painting. It's pretty classy. I got a job as a storyboard artist for fashion ads and TV commercials, which led me to New York. And then I was doing stand-up in New York,

and yeah, so I've drawn commercials for like Lexus and 7 Up and all that jazz. It's like Halston, I'm a little, I'm best friends with Liza Manelli selling carpet in my later years. All right, go back to the neighborhood. So it's near, O'Hare, what does your mom and dad do for a living?

My dad was a cop, Vietnam vet. Really? And my mom was a school secretary. Okay. For an elementary school. Your dad works for Chicago PD. He works in Arlington Heights. Okay, Arlington Heights police ward in Nam.

What was he? Helicopter pilot. Get the fuck out of here. Holy shit. Fully Zaltizm Briggs about to take over. He's just gonna be quoting stats from fucking Vietnam for the next. What did he fly?

I don't know what kind of helicopter is, I mean a helicopter. Get out right now, I'm a dead man. Was it a Huey? Was it a Chinote? Was it the Cobra gunship? I don't know, we can call him and ask. He was 19 and drafted and he got his pilot's license

and he was like a med pilot. So he had to go down and pick people up in battle. He was a medic pilot, so he probably flew a Huey. Probably? Holy fucking shit, I had no idea. You know when he does, he flies, when I was a kid, he was always flying. He actually got his pilot's license.

He did the same thing, but for private jets, so someone needed an organ donated last minute. Oh yeah, yeah, that's big, yeah. Oh yeah, he would've been on call, this after retired being a cop and he would be on call and he'd have to go in the middle of the night and fly like someone to. I got a kid near somewhere, yeah.

Wait, did you say private, he can notice how to fly jets too? Yeah. He does. Yeah, cause he kept his pilot's license for so long. He loves flying and when I was a kid, I'd be like four or five. He'd take us up in a Cessna and we'd fly around Chicago. It is cool.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet. I never realized you do have the Chicago accent. I never noticed it. The worst, I mean. Fly around Chicago? Gives you shit, his old man was a nom. I don't care how we talk, dude, that's badass. That was a chopper pilot and nom.

And then a cop. It might be good. So he had trauma, I mean trauma, I'm sure you can imagine. Oh, for sure. And my mom, you know, she has, her dad is Mexican, her mom is Italian. He had five kids with my grandma

and five kids with another woman at the same time and named them all the same names so he didn't confuse them. So she was, you know, back and forth being raised by her Italian grandparents and then my grandma remarried a Sicilian, no longer speaks to the Mexican family. So this is a lot of drama on both families. Holy shit.

But a lot of fun. My mom's family is great. I have to change my hypothesis here. What's your dad's nationality? He is Irish, like almost 100% Irish, Irish-American. Your dad's 100% Irish, the Italian comes from your mom's side. Your mom's half Italian, half Mexican. That's right.

I imagine she was probably pretty tight in the kitchen. My mom cooks great and taught us all how to cook. When we were kids, my brothers just started all in a row. So I'm 36. My sister's 37. My brother's 38. They're actually Irish twins. They're 11 months apart now.

I got those. And we all have cousins of the same age. And we literally grew up next to each other. My cousins and I talk every day. My aunt and I'll grow up like my mom and dad and my grandparents. Anyway, so my mom, every meal she'd cook, we'd cook it with her.

So she taught us how to cook as kids. She made it fun. It was great. That's pretty classy. I was getting screamed at. All right. What were the vacations like as a kid? What'd you guys do?

Well, we didn't have a lot of money. So vacations were pretty much I went to my cousin's house. Down the street? Yeah. Or like my grandparents or that's pretty much it. We had a house in Galena, Illinois that my grandpa got years ago, like literally like a tiny house in the forest so they

could go fishing and stuff. And so the family would drive two hours up. Me and all my cousins, my aunts, my uncles. And there would be like 18 of us in a house, just all sleeping on the floor. Remember that scene, the godfather where they had the cops and everyone was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was like.

You guys went to the mattresses. We went to the mattresses. We did. We went to the mattresses and it was just a vacation. But it was a lake house. You'd go swimming in the lake, et cetera, et cetera. There was a lake, but it was just a house in a forest. There was no, nothing special to it.

So what'd you guys do? We would just play in the backyard, catch frogs and toads, draw all day, cook, run around. I mean, our parents just let us run in the forest. Like, yeah, come back when the sun comes down. We could have died. Yeah, of course. They just let us run.

That was big back then. Oh, yeah. And you say go to your cousin's house. You would just go in the summer and just spend like a week at your cousins down the street. Yeah. Where would your parents just be going to work? If they wanted to go on vacation,

like my mom and dad alone. Oh, they would go away. You would go with the cousins. Oh, you'd plan to vacation alone. They would be there every day anyways. If we went on a vacation as a family together, we went to the house in Galena. That was it.

So I never did Disney World. I still never been to Disney World at Disneyland or any of that stuff. But I look back now and I'm like, you know what, it was so. That's why I think I'm so like, I'm not very materialistic unless it comes to like, I don't know, PS5. But it's the most materialistic thing ever. But I enjoy being with clothes and stuff like that.

No, nice cars. I don't know how to dress myself. And I don't have any car or anything close. Nice cars, buddy. But yeah, it's all about like family and people. Yeah, the experience, the connection, of course. No, that's big. What was it?

Does anybody still live on that street that you grew up on? Everyone. Oh, everyone still lives there. Oh, yeah. Without giving it away, the name of the street, obviously, I want to protect the innocent. Is it like Avenue, Lane, Circle? Avenue, I think.

Something Ave. Yeah, Avenue. Are we talking like row homes? What were the houses like? One floor houses. We were three bedroom, one bath house. So ranchers. Yeah, ranch.

That's what it's called. Ranch houses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you live in a neighborhood of ranch houses. OK. All right. Were your parents the first ones to own that house or had it already been built?

It had already been built. And they bought it, I think, for like $150 in 1980. I don't know, one or something like that. $150,000? Yeah, I mean, they just finished paying it off. Not kidding you, they just finished like 40 years ago. We paid for the house. And I was like, ma, it's been like 40 years.

But you know, they're very proud. They should be. Of course, they're landowners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where would they go on vacation by themselves, do you know? They either go to Galena or they'd go to Dorr County in Wisconsin. What's that?

Is that the Dells? No, but I have been to the Chicago Dells or Wisconsin Dells that everyone in Chicago went to. It's just like a place, like a small town, but it's kind of lesbian-y, you know, like Chachki and, you know, Sunsets and stuff. They're both from Chicago. Yeah.

They're both from Chicago. Yeah. The vacations are a little wonky. I'm not going to lie. I got a lot of money. Guys flying private jets all day. It's not time for a vacation. Yeah.

Well, once my mom got a job as a secretary, then we had a second income. So it was like things got a little easier, I think, you know? But still, we're not a very, like, going big bit. Now I like it. I go to Italy all the time. Or I like, I stay in nice hotels because I'm like, I want to enjoy this.

I don't want to sleep in the mattresses with my cousins anymore or a cabin in the forest. Yeah, I respect that. What was the supermarket? Julasco. Nice. Jules. Gotta go to Jules.

Of course. Julasco. Julasco. You can count on people who care. That was the Julasco theme song. I'm in the mood for some canned vegetables. Let's go. Julasco.

Belly counter. What about the bathroom? Any carpet in the bathroom growing up? No carpet in the bathroom. Bathroom had to be kept clean because, you know, my mother. OK. House was always clean. We had a brown carpet, I remember,

in my living room that finally my mother ripped up. And then they got like a blue carpet. And my, yeah, we had these sofas for a really long time. And my mom hated them. But my dad, you know, no money, whatever. We're not getting new furniture. So she purposely got it. She kept getting it dirtier and dirtier on purpose

until finally she was like, look how dirty this couch is. Like, fine, we'll get new couches. So no plastic on anything. No plastic on the couch. No, that's my non. That my grandma's house, it was the red carpet, bright red carpet. White couches, red pillows.

You don't go in plastic. They finally got the plastic off the couches because my grandmother said, I'll take the plastic off the couches if I can re-upholster the couch, even though no one's sad on the couch. But my grandpa's blind, so she gets away with anything. So, you know, he's running into walls. She's re-upholstering couches.

Is that couch Newton? No, not at all. It's like a goddamn sitcom out there. My family's insane. What was your first car? We had, I shared a car. Well, my first car was a sharing a car with my cousins. It was a reliant.

It was a red car. Shared a car with your cousins. We would drive. Either my cousin, Megan, would drive, or I would drive. And once I got my license, and then I finally got a car, it was like a 91 Buick or something. My uncle, Mike, gets wet over the thought of Buicks. Everyone's got an uncle, Mike, by the way.

Every single dirtbag has an uncle, Mike. Shout out to my uncle, Mike. And my uncle, Mike, sounds exactly like the Dot Bears. Like, he has the Southside Irish accent. Gotta go to drills. He's so obsessed with Buicks. I remember when my dad's mom died, she had a Buick that she didn't drive.

My uncle, Mike, said, my tail, I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your grandmother. I got a question. What's going on with the car? Yes, literally. He goes, who's getting the car? I said, I'm not you. She's not even under the ground.

You're like, who's getting that Buick? The garage kept. God damn it. I thought I only got 5,000 miles on it there. That's pretty good. It's a quality automobile you got in your hands there. I love it. He did?

He had like six Buicks. And then the Buick, he bought my cousins. Once the Reliant passed away, they got a Buick for my cousins that was like a Parmesan cheese green on the side. And it was so humiliating. They had the lights on the side, like, old people. My cousins were so embarrassed.

If they were going to a friend's house or party, they parked like six blocks away. Like, where's your car? It's like, you know, like. What's your pop drive? What was the family car? We had a Ford Explorer. First, we had a van.

And then my cousins got the same van. Then we had a Tempo. And my cousins got a Tempo. The relationship between you and this guy is bonkers. True. And then we got a Ford Explorer, and then they got a Ford Explorer. Who's the?

That's almost going on. Can't they think for themselves? What's happening? What side of the family is this? The Talians, the Talians, the mom. My mom and my aunt, Cindy. That's who it is. OK.

Shout out to Aunt Cindy. So it was just one other house with your first cousins in there. And how far away was your grandmother? Where were they at? About two minutes away. Not in the same? That's far for Italians, by the way.

That might as well be three days. They are. They helped raise us. It's communal raising, I would say. Of course. I don't know if it's more Italian or Mexican. I don't know which one it is. But it's nonstop seeing family.

So it was your mom's sister, and then your grandmother was around. OK. Did you drink milk with dinner growing up? We did. That's a very, but that's a very 90s, 80s thing. You drink your milk with dinner. Drink your milk with dinner.

Would you guys all go to your grandmoms for dinner? We go to Sunday to my aunt Cindy's. Everyone went to my aunt Cindy's house for Sunday. She'd start to get a cauldron cooking at like 8 o'clock in the morning, make the ragu. And then everyone has to come over. So someone has to make the salad. Someone has to make the bread, the whole thing.

And my uncle might, because he's Irish, he doesn't. He's like, I'm so sorry, but I don't like pasta. I'll be in the Buick. Wait, is that Cindy's husband? Cindy's husband. So she married an Irishman, too. Yeah. So both the sisters, both half Mexican, half Italian,

married Irish guys. That's right. So my cousins and I are all the same mix. What'd your uncle Mike do? Cop. What the fuck do you think? Uncle Mike from the south side of Chicago did. He was a fucking rocket science.

What about the Italian boyfriends and the vacations and you making the nice pasta and all this stuff? That's so funny. I thought this kid was class. He's a derp egg. I could have had one of my cousins come in here for this. This is ridiculous. Do you know what's so funny?

I didn't realize how strange it was until I say it out loud. They're both cops, both Buick's. They're all driving the same car. They're the same fucking person. And both gay sons. My brother's gay. And my cousin Brian's gay. My incident of gay cousin.

We think that my uncle, my Mexican grandpa's brother was gay. So we think the jeans came from the Mexican side. I just like your uncle Mike sitting there like, god damn it, they got a gay one. Now I got to get a gay one. Right, right. Steve, you're gay, all right?

So funny. That is a wild. Jeez, I thought this kid was classy. Yeah, that's a wild backstory. That's the first one we've had, cousins on the block. That's old sir. They're an identical family to yours. Literally.

But it was great because if I didn't like what my mom was making for dinner, I'd just walk next door. Yeah, no, that's fantastic. You know, you would play in Cindy. Yeah, you know. Was Uncle Mike and your dad good pals? They were buddies, right? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

They work together. They weren't partners like in the same squad car, were they? I don't think they were. Jesus Christ, if they were. Somebody, get this kid to pitch me, are we? This is the sick guy. What are we doing here? This is crazy.

It's so funny. You guys all go to church growing up? No, we were not church goers. Really? Which that I'm happy about. Even with the Irish, Italian, and Mexican? I know. Yeah, wow.

I think that might be living in there. Because my grandmother was burned by the Catholic Church. I mean, who wasn't? And they hold grudges too. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's a whole lot of grudges. If it's something serious, I don't want to live.

But what does that mean when you get burned by the Catholic Church? Because she was, she was 18. She gets married to this guy, my grandpa. They're having kids with each other. She's cheating on her, leaving furniture, getting confiscated. My grandmother's having to fucking steal to get them fed.

And so she goes to the Catholic Church. So what do I do when the priest does have more kids? It's like, OK, so she keeps having kids, which I'm glad she did. Hey, hi. Sure. It's like, it was just they fuck them. And that's your paternal grandfather, right? My Mexican grandfather.

He wasn't around though. No, but my mother and him reconciled when she was in her 30s. And then he started coming around. And I met him when I was a kid. And he would send me, his name was Joaquin, but he would call him Jack. And he would send me, this is not what she didn't know me. He'd send me big lead chew for my birthday.

Ha ha ha ha. Meanwhile. When you're out there playing ball, sport. I was playing ball, all right. So, it's so funny. I haven't thought about this in so long. Robby, you had to killin' it with the ladies, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all right. I have an uncle younger than me, because he kept having kids. Oh my god. I do. You're trash, dude. I am. I have an uncle younger than me, because we've had 23 of me. And it's a mechs.

Yeah. I don't care how tight that body gets, buddy. You're always going to be trash. Man. I'm trash who sings opera. I know, what the hell is the opera? Well, Pavarotti was kind of trash, too. I mean, he had mistresses and extra wives and stuff, you know.

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That's ButcherBox.com slash AYG. Do it. Damn. This is just turning me upside down. This case is blown wide open. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? Well, I went in August because my friend Nick, my friend Nick, well, it's my favorite restaurant

for the Olive Garden. And I hate the Olive Garden. So we made a whole video. We went to the Olive Garden. Oh, there you go. And this gay waiter recognized me, was carrying 15 plates, and they smashed in front of all of us. They fell to the ground.

And then, yeah, it was a mess. But it was a very, if you want to watch it, my YouTube channel. Check out the YouTube channel. But I went, it's disgusting. All the pasta was glued together. Sure. Ha ha ha ha. Horrible.

We had like seven different waiters. I and my food were sweating. You don't know what's going on. The only thing that was genuine was the fake plants behind me. I was like, well, this is very Italian. Give me the free breadsticks and salad, though. Yeah, the salad. I didn't eat the salad.

It looked wet. I hadn't touched a breadstick in years. What are you talking about? What was the backyard like at the house? You guys have a jungle gym back there, a pool, anything? Swing set. No, we had a tree. And my mom had a.

Go play with the tree. My mom had a. Get out there and play with the tree. Well, we had a garden, you know, vegetables and fruit. That's pretty classy. And it was also kind of, you know, my strength. It also grew weed in there. Keep the cops away.

Pools. No, pools were for like, if you had a pool, that you were like something else. So this isn't that kind of neighborhood. Any pets or anything growing up? We got a dog. His name was Hunter. He was a pit bull.

We got him when I was 13. I love, he had such an attitude. We taught him to ring a bell. We had a bell hanging. So when he had to go pee, he knocked the bell. But then he started doing it for everything. So he hit the bell and then walk over to his food plate and stare at you or you tell him to sit and he bark at you.

We were like, stop being a bitch. But he was great. Hunter was great. Man, I didn't see this coming. That's normal, though. No lizards, no snakes, no frogs. Turtles, anything like that. My aunt Cindy had a dog for 22 years.

His name was Peyton. She never touched it. The family loved it, but it wasn't allowed upstairs. It wasn't allowed in the living room. And yeah, there was a love, yeah. Italian women not do well with dogs. Although my mother did well with dogs. Marry them.

OK, I'm sorry. Would they take you to the theater as a kid or anything like that? The theater? No? No. I didn't do sports or anything. No sports.

I did roller hockey for like a couple of years because I like to roller blade. He's out there in roller skates. Mateo, not that kind. I didn't realize how kind of he just floating around the whole thing. Kind of losers, my, you know, not a lot of money. I love you realizing that you were trash.

Well, because I just, to me, everything was about my cousins. It was about family, cousins, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles. Of course. That was everything. And we still talk. I was on a conference Zoom call with six of my cousins

yesterday to order. What are we ordering for Christmas? Who's making the call? Yeah. I love it. That's great. Would you do the Seven Fishes as a kid? That we stopped doing because I'm also allergic to seafood.

And my sister was the last one to keep that going when she was dating this Italian guy. And we would do, you know, the Seven Fishes. You do everything to seafood and stuff like that. But it's a lot of work. And honestly, unlike Italians, because our dads were Irish, we had to do Christmas Eve with our dad's side of the family, which my cousins and I hated because we were separated.

And the food wasn't right. Sure. Because on Christmas Day, we dedicated to the family. My mom's family. The Italians have. So unlike most Italians, we do Christmas on Christmas Day. Sure. You called sauce or gravy?

It's sauce. OK. There you go. It's an A-Win-Sugo. OK. Sugo, the definition of sugo is sauce. What about Christmas decorations? Were there colored lights in the house, fake tree, real tree?

So we got a real tree because my dad insisted. My grandmother, though, has. The Irish man like himself, of course. Oh, yeah. My grandma had a fake red tree in the basement. Dude, did silver garland. The Italians always go wacky colors. What the fuck?

They go over the top with Christmas. And my mom growing up, I should call me Aunt Cindy right now and ask her because they had a tree that was silver with two hot lights shining on it. Of course, of course. And you couldn't touch it because you'd burn yourself. Like it's the flag. That's crazy, dude.

My nana has a nut and banana ornament because Italians love fruit on their fridge. So it looks like balls and dicks. So every year we show it to her like, grandma, you have a giant penis on your tree. I do not have a giant penis on my tree. You have to understand, though, the way I was raised, when you talk about the family, it's so,

my cousins and my grandparents are connected with my mom. And it wasn't just an intermediate. There wasn't just the five of us. It was like 40 of us. Yeah, mine was one of nine. It's the same thing. Everybody's the same age. So when you guys would go places,

they'd be like, cousins are our best friends. Oh, absolutely. There'd be a caravan of cars. Yeah, two vans shoved with a bunch of dagos and two angry Irishmen who regretted all the choices they've ever made in life. I think my dad thought when he married my mom that, oh, it's cute.

She likes her family. And we can, we'll go have our own life. And it just, it doesn't work that way. Well, you guys love to eat in your room as kids? Absolutely not. OK. We ate at the, we did. This I love about my parents, my mom and dad were like,

we have dinner, we have it together, TV off. We sit and we talk. And we have dinner together. That I really like. And I'm very grateful to my parents for raising us that way. That's good. That's good. All right, all right.

Now we're pulling out of it a little bit here. One thing. That's all right. I mean, they had dinner together. How were the grades as a kid? How were you a good student? I was not a good student. Really?

Absolutely not a good student. My brother was a good student. My sister was OK, but I was not a good student. I didn't care. I didn't pay attention. I was just not, I was just not there, especially in high school. I mean, high school, I was obviously dealing with my sexuality and didn't know how to communicate that.

So I just didn't show up to class. Gotcha. So, I mean, I barely passed high school. When did they discover the talent for drawing? Oh, my mother was an artist. OK. And my mother could draw since she was a kid, and I swear to you, it's genetic,

because my brother's sister and I can all draw. My brother is one of the top designers at Apple. If you haven't seen it, when you say the dude can draw, it's like Hannah Barbera. It's insane. I mean, we can get a little better than Hannah Barbera. I mean, Barney Rubble, what the fuck? I will say drawing, and now that I've so far removed from it,

I can proudly say, I wasn't just like, it's for fun. This looks pretty good. I was a professional hired professional artist. I've seen him there. Absolutely. I saw him on your Facebook page or something like that. I got it. One of my greatest memories was because I had terrible grades,

and I went to community college, Harper College near Schaumburg. And I took one class to please my mother, because I wasn't planning on going to college. I was just going to try and live in the city. Because by that point, I was already in the city in Chicago. By 16, I was never home. And the art teacher was also an art teacher from SAIC, the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, which

is the number one art school in the country. And he looked at one of my drawings. He goes, what are you doing here? And I said, I don't know. He goes, you need to go. There's something called Portfolio Day at the Art Institute. It's like American Idol. A bunch of kids fly in from all over.

There's only 1,700 kids at the school. They fly in from all over the country. They bring their portfolio. They wait in all day long lines. And they show people at the school. And it's literally like, yes or no, kids running, crying. So he helped me put a portfolio together. His name was Michael.

Helped me put a portfolio together. And I went. My mom came. My dad, my cousins, my biceps, everyone came. Of course, everyone showed up. And I had. Yo, I'm telling you right now, this case is the best. If he gets in, we're all going, too.

Yeah. We're all staying in a dorm room with Mateo. Kind of true, right? Yeah. That's so funny. I never thought about that either. My cousins came with me. They all got signs and shit.

They all came with me. It's so true. Looking for secrets. I got a gold ticket. I brought it up. I waited all day. I walk up. I showed them five of my drawings.

And I remember the lady looking at it. And she grabbed another teacher. They both looked at it. And they all talked. And she had a paper. You were accepted into the School of the Arts. My mother's crying. I'm always going to cry now thinking about it.

Oh, that's great. Because it changed my life. I was not going to go to school. I was going to go to college. I don't know what I was going to do. And it just completely changed my life. And it was the first time that I could love school. I was a good student.

I was obsessed with school. I would stay all day, all night. I mean, it was like, I had to give you a purpose, direction. Right. Because we didn't have money. I didn't live in the dorms. I lived at home. So I'd take the metro downtown every day.

And then I still had to work a job. So I worked at Blick Art Store. And I stole a lot. And I keep it in trash. You know, it single-handedly changed my life. Changed my view on life. No, I got a somewhat of a discount. But I'm still paying it off.

OK. All right. Although I did cheat them. Because when I went to go study in Italy, they had a connecting school in Italy in a town called Montecasta di Vibio. And when I went there, when I came back, because it was so rushed, I forgot to say how much credits it was.

So when I got back to the States, it was only supposed to be like 10 credits. Well, I just wrote 10 credits for each course. So it was like 45 credits. No one checked. I saved myself like $30,000. There you go. Oh, yeah.

All right. Yeah, yeah. Cheating the system. Trash. OK. OK. All right. Now we're moving in the right direction.

Then you come to New York City. You get it after you do four years there. So I graduated when I was 21. And I immediately started working as a storyboard artist for TV commercials. And I was living at home. And then I started living in an apartment with my best friends, Chuck and Mark and Andersonville.

And it just worked out. But the thing with storyboarding is if you don't know what that is, storyboarding is every commercial you see or every movie or animated film you see, an artist has to frame by frame design what the director is going to film or see. What angle, what they're wearing, et cetera. So you're basically drawing a comic book for the commercial.

And a 30-second commercial can be up to 30 to 40 frames, like 30 to 40 drawings. So you would get the call like a doctor. It would be like 7 o'clock at night. Your agent would call you. Can you do a commercial tomorrow for DSW for the spring campaign? It's going to be 40 frames in color.

It's a three-day job. So for those three days, you cancel everything and you base it. That's how I became obsessed with Howard Stern because I would just listen to Stern all day. Richard Simmons on Howard Stern. And I would just draw, you would draw. I mean, to the point of making coffee four o'clock in the morning, drawing, drawing, drawing.

And then you would finish it. And you would get the money 60 days after. And then you'd have to take taxes out. But Chicago Living was so cheap. I was paying 400 bucks for my room for rent. So I saved a lot of money. And then finally, my friend Aaron had a job here in New York a drawing job.

And he was like, I need an artist. Can you move? I had started doing stand-up for like five months in Chicago and loved it. And he was like, I got a job for you. Can you move to New York in 30 days? And so I just said, yeah, I'm going to come. What would you pull?

What would roughly, if you don't want to get in specifics, what would the DSW job pay? So for the DSW, let me get my calculator because I'm a horrible math. I didn't almost pass high school. So if I'm doing, let's say that was probably 35 colored frames. So let's 35. And I would pay $150 for each.

So that's $5,250 for three days. But you take out 25% because you got to take out your taxes. And you get paid 60 days later. So even now, I'm a good saver. I save my money. I'm a good money saver. All right, I like this. So you did that.

Then you moved to New York City. So you were making about that kind of cash. You were doing well when you got here. I was doing OK. The job I had, then I moved to salary. So the salary I got, I was, what was I getting? Probably like 60 a year, 70 a year, something like that. So one check went to rent, and then one check

went to just like eating. And the first apartment I lived in was a tenement apartment that I had a bathtub in the kitchen in the village. I lived like a Polish immigrant from 1940. I had to wash my boiling soup all day. I was making borscht all day. I had to wash my ass in dishes in the same place.

I washed my dishes in the tub, the tub in the kitchen, literally like an immigrant from like 1940. Just picture everything in black and white. I know. I'm going to tell you I'm speaking Italian. And I already have this look. You know, I got my hair transplant. I had to comb my hair to the side for a little bit.

And I never realized how fucking guinea I looked until my hair slicked back. I looked like the mustache. Anyway, so I got the under shirt with suspenders on. Don't do that, man. I got the coat on. Yeah, so. You do have a cops mustache.

That's genetically. I've had this mustache since I was like seven. Did you get him a mustache? No, my uncle Mike did. Of course. My uncle Mike did. He got a mustache. I don't know.

Yeah. So then I moved into an apartment with Sashir Zemeda and Ryan Beck, which was one of the best living situations I've ever had. We were great roommates. And I lived in an attic above Sashir. So I couldn't stand up all the way. And I didn't have a closet.

So I had to get baskets from Ikea. And everything had to be folded in those baskets. And I had to get just a mattress on the floor. Literally, I was an attic. In a loft. And yeah, and I would basically end up I was just sleeping Sashir's bed. Like her and I would just sleep.

But that was such a great home because we, Sashir loved all my cooking. And so she got an SNL that year. And she'd come home late. So I'd make a huge thing of pasta for me and Ryan and then save one for her with a note. Here's pasta. That is very sweet.

We were of, I mean, we're still best friends. Best, best friends. Best friends. All right. I like this. And we're shaping up. Then I lived with Evan Williams and his wife, his ex-wife. But we're all still good friends.

And she's from Mexico. Felicia's from Mexico. So that's where I really honed in on Spanish and my Mexican background because we would only speak in Spanish and watch Latin TV. I speak Italian and English fluently. And then Spanish, fluent, proficient, fluent. Like it's, I'm like.

You could get us out of a jam. Oh yeah, no problem. I mean, I could tell you my whole life story, but I just sound like Mario Luigi. Really? Because I have an Italian accent. All right. Three languages.

My French is pretty good. What? Yeah. 3.5, we'll give you. If it's French is pretty good. French is good, but you know the French. I feel like you're grading yourself on a hard scale. Yeah, and then German is, it used to be much better,

but I've forgotten a lot of German. Where's this coming from? I studied German in high school. I had a great German teacher, Herr Katzenmaier, and never spoke English to us. He's from Osterreich, Austria. So yeah, the first day you're like, who is this man? What is he saying?

And you're just screaming at me. And then after four years, you just like, yeah, you really pick it up. Wait, what? In high school? Give me a couple sentences in German. Hello, I'm, my name is Matteo, and now I live in New York, and I'm with my friends.

And yes, later I have a podcast with Tom Papa. And yes, I'm with Tom Papa right now. Look at you, you've been there three times in the last six months. I worked in this morning. And yes, this weekend, I had to go to Pittsburgh and yes. Wait, this is from high school German class? Jesus.

Languages, I was good. I have synesthesia. And synesthesia is this thing where I like, is it contagious? Jesus Christ. I had my booster. I wouldn't have had you come over here. What the fuck? The gay is probably a little more contagious.

I'm listening. It's a neurological thing where your sense is overlapped during brain development. So I have like, unprovoked association with letters, numbers, and music. They all have color to them. There are certain whatever the brain chemistry or the brain type of the way you learn,

languages are way, languages and music tend to be way easier for certain kinds of things. So if you can learn two, three languages, you can learn any, it's like doing the Rubik's Cube. You know how to crack. If you plopped me in Greece, which would be great, for like. If anybody out there. Santerini, preferably.

Mykonos. Kidding, I don't do drugs. But if you dropped me in Greece, yeah, I would probably, over the average person, I'd probably leave after a month being forced to learn Greek, I'd probably be pretty good. I mean, yeah, I enjoy learning language. What is this, I've been to Germany 12 times

and I understood four words you said. Why are you going to Germany? My wife's German. Oh my God, that's great. So you don't learn any German? I know, I mean, you ran through your day. I knew what you were talking about. My vocab's pretty good.

He's an idiot, forget about him. Let's talk Greek real quick. So you basically have a superpower. Do you have any FEDA on you? I will say, speaking of the other language, just feel a little bit like a superpower. That is a superpower. And you know what I really like about it

is if you're in a country, Spain, Italy, Mexico, France, Spain. You know, I'm over Spain. I dated a Spaniard. Pretty good. I'll be going next summer. Oh, you should go. I am.

Actually go to Italy. I've been to Italy a bunch. You need to just go back. But he can't say nothing. I can't say nothing, just stare at the girls. That sounds pretty Italian. I can whistle pretty good. I really, I really, I start groping women.

I'm Italian. See, I'm getting less trashy at my adult. Buddy. Yeah, you're pulling yourself out. You're really pulling yourself out, man. I'm scared to ask anything. I'm scared to go backwards. Does anyone in your family still have an AOL email address?

Don't answer that! No. All right, good. But my Nonna does have a computer that's never been used. They have no Wi-Fi. And it's just a screensaver of stars doing this. She's got an air gas desktop.

I love it. What was your first concert? Mariah Carey, the Emancipation Amoeba tour at the United Center. Okay, that's pretty good. That's a pretty good one. Anyone in your family wear Stetson Cologne or Brute? No, we're not big Cologne families, actually.

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Do it. Okay, good to know. Any weird collections? Beanie Babies, commemorative plates, coins, stamps. Like currently or when I was a kid? The family, anybody, yeah. Oh, the family. I collected, like I loved Star Wars action figures

when I was a kid. That's all right, that's toys, yeah. Collections. Any like thing that people were like, this is gonna be valuable someday. Don't touch right. Beanie Babies. No, I mean, we had Beanie Babies, we were kids,

but nothing collect. Look, this is the way my mother functions and my aunt Cindy. If we're not using it, get it out of my sight. Okay. Like that. So we didn't have clutter in my home. Anybody with birthdays that fall on a holiday

in the family? No. Christmas, no. But I have like three other family members whose birthdays are all around the same days. Me and my cousin Brian, my aunt Debbie. Yeah, wrong. Do you guys do joint parties for everybody? No, when we were kids, we sure we did,

but now it's like, yeah, yeah. It'd be one cake. Would you all take turns blowing up the candles? I've done that. No, we didn't do that. Okay. We did all our communion celebrations together and yeah, there's a lot.

So you did communion. Yeah, I did do communion. You get a bunch of cash for it? I remember. Yeah, I remember. No, like, I think I got like action figures. Yeah. The Jewish kids really clean up.

Oh, marmets. Yeah, yeah. What was the last book you read? I'm currently, I'm just about to finish. Well, I actually just reread Friendly, but it was his Metropolitan life. And I was reading F*** by Larry Kramer. And also, I love John Waters.

I read this twice. I read it over the summer and I was reading it again. He wrote a book called Roll Models that I really love. And I love John Waters. Oh, and if you've not, for comedians, if you have not read Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher, it is fucking brilliant. Really?

Yes. Carrie Fisher is one of the funniest fucking writers ever. Talk about self-deprecating. I fucking love her. She's fantastic. John Waters the filmmaker, right? Mm-hmm. But he's also the king of trash.

True. That's his name. True. All right, he's well-read. Because I don't understand anything you said in the last 30 seconds. I mean, he's got the, he's got the travel. He's got the international travel going.

How old were you when he got your passport? Well, I was the first time I went to Italy. So I was 15. 15. To go stay with my cousins. Cousins, yeah. Yeah. And where are they in Italy?

In, well, our family's from Montevago, which is north of Agrigento. But I went to go stay with family friends. What are you talking about? I went to stay with family friends in Messina and then we would drive over and go see my aunts and uncles. Is this Sicily? Is this something?

Sicily. It's all Sicily. So I didn't go to Northern Italy until I was 21. It's pretty good, though. Oh, hmm. Do you ever sell anything door to door over the phone? No. Okay.

You ever scratch your back with a fork? No. I still, when I go home to my mom, I rip off my shirt and I have her scratch my back. Okay, that's okay. I love getting my back scratched. That's okay. Does anyone in your family have a picture of Frank Sinatra

or Al Pacino? My grandparents, of course. Were there three pictures in the house as a kid? Like the Pope, Kennedy, so-and-so. Definitely the Pope, the last, the two Popes to go. John Paul, where was it? John Paul II. Yeah, yeah.

My grandma hated the German Pope. Hated the German Pope. I don't think that was gonna do that well. That was gonna be a swing of that. That really got deboned. The picture is shaggy. Just give it a lie. Okay.

Interesting questions. I'm so, this is very fascinating. Anybody in your family ever live on a houseboat? No. Okay. Last time you had fast food? I just had Starbucks. Like, is that fast food now?

Oh, that's, oh man. This guy's hoity-toity. You are adorable. Fast food. What a sweetheart. Oh man, you're a sweet kid, huh? Did you eat it? Did you eat it?

Or did you eat it? I got the egg sausage because I'm starving. I haven't eaten it and I've been running around all day. So I just quickly grabbed an egg sausage McMuffin thing. That's all right. Yeah, that's okay. That's okay. While my friend Nick called.

I want to get Botox. What do I do? So no McDonald's or Wendy's or anything like that. You don't need any of that shit. No, but the last, I do love McDonald's. Last time I got McDonald's was, Evan Williams and I comes out on McDonald's. We got McDonald's.

Evan, I got- I like that Big Mac over there. Actually- They do a good job with this ass. I like the quarter pounders. They're good. Okay. But the last time was just been years.

Sometime this year, yeah. This year. Yeah, yeah, okay. But it's not like you're not going every two weeks. No, it's too stressful. Do you go to the dentist regularly? I do. You floss every day?

No. Really? But I hadn't been to the dentist in seven years when I moved to New York and I for some reason not been blessed with good hair, been blessed with fantastic teeth. I've never had a cavity. No braces.

I did have braces. I mean, I look like a goddamn nightmare. But in terms of cleanliness, my teeth are always clean. Okay. How many suits do you own? I have one. I don't like suits.

I don't like dressing up. I hate it. Really? Where'd you get that suit? I don't even remember. I got it at Zara. Okay. All right.

I went with Ms. Cracker, a very well-known drag queen. She forced me to get this suit for a wedding. What color? Black, blue, gray? What are we talking about? Dark blue. Okay. What's the odorant situation?

I use like a women's dove non-unscented. Okay. All right. What's the soap situation? Body wash or bar? Body wash, dove, unscented, moisturizer. How often do you wash your hair? Every three days.

Every three days. Do you use product in it? I have to. I have Topic Spray to make it look thicker. I have to straighten it because I have really curly hair. Let's talk about this hair transplant. Yeah, I got hair transplants.

Do you get some sort of referral deal for getting me there and you can kick back? I tried. I was like, I have a lot of Instagram followers but this guy was a good guy and he was like, anyways, he very brushed over it. How long did it take you out of the game for? Two weeks.

That's not bad. When was this? This is August 29th. I might be sick in February. Okay. August 29th. So you saw that you were thinning out a little bit. A lot.

And I was doing everything to cover it up. I mean, just like a, this is a sculpture on my head that Michelangelo would blush at. And I, you know, just struggling. That's pretty crazy. Yeah. You know, the hair starts to grow in after four months.

So they put the transplants in. It's a 10 hour surgery. And they put the transplants in. You out for that 10 hours? Well, you're not supposed to but they gave me two valium in an Ambien. I mean, I was gone. Three martinis.

Gone. I think they had a conversation beforehand because that's a lot. I think they were like, well, he's a New York gay. So we have to. Yeah, it's really, really juiced them up. This guy's been around the block. They asked me like,

is there any balding in your family? I said, no. Like what about your mom's dad? I said, he's a Mexican with a one inch forehead. I mean, his hairline starts there. So, you know, but anyway, so the hair now is just starting to come through. This is all fake.

Trust, believe you and me. This is Lucas' film. But it grows in, it's real hair. Yeah, oh yeah. So you can cut it and it grows. Oh yeah. And it's all behind you. So from all around your head,

it's called FUE for those curious. They don't do the FUT, which is where they take that strip. They like pull individuals. Now they do like all over. But I went to a very, very good doctor and a couple of the comedians went there as well. And Kippy.

There's gonna be one more going pretty soon. At patreon.com, folks. You should go. I mean, look. Do you think they could help him or is he too far gone? Let me see. Let me be the doctor. Hey, bring in a team.

My hair, let me see your hair. I'm so sorry, you have terminal baldness. Honestly, mine's about the same as yours. He said his is the same as mine. Good looking guy like this. Oh, look at us, huh? Let me get in there. And that was quite a few bucks.

Okay. But I promise myself, once I find you- I'm gonna need a number once we're all fair by then. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll share all that. But I promise myself- You wanna write it down? We won't tell anybody. 9-1-1.

But I said when I start making money, I wanna like, this is what I wanted to do for myself. I wanted a big purchase and I wanna have nice hair, not care about the wind and pools and this and that. So I'm so excited and like two months from now, I'm gonna have a full fucking head of hair. Why do they still have more to do? Take that YouTube comments.

It grows in after four months. Because it looks fantastic. This is again, all smoke and mirrors. Topics or whatever, right? Topic, tons of topic spray. And then I have to straighten it and comb it forward and hair spray it to make it look- But eventually the little sprouts

are gonna be long enough. Oh yeah. My hair will look like yours. Okay. I have a whole bit now that straight men don't deserve nice hair or asses. Wasting it. I got them both, baby.

All right, here. But, place you're in now. Good place. Good place. Are you looking for New York or LA? New York, never. I'll never live in Los Angeles, ever. I will die here.

Do you keep the butter on the counter at your house? No. Keep it in the fridge. Did your mom keep it in the fridge and keep it on the counter? And it was salted. Kept it in the fridge. We always had butter in the fridge.

Unless she was making cookies or cooking for something, we had to have it softened. Sure. Interesting. Any turquoise jewelry? No. We're not from Arizona. Any lottery winners in the family.

No. Will you take out food? Will you plate it at your house or will you eat out of the container? I played it. I played it. I did that last night. I ordered a couch up here from Piccolo Cucina

and I took it out and put it in the plate. Yeah. I feel a little more fancy. Where are you eating in the apartment? You eating in front of the TV on the couch? No. I eat on my table, my kitchen. You sit at your kitchen table,

even solo, even like last night. Yeah, because I don't want it to get on my, I just bought a new couch, so I don't want it to get on my couch. So you never eat in front of the TV? Where'd you get that couch? I'm a laptop open. I'm watching YouTube video game news and stuff.

Sure. Video game news. But not at the couch. Where did you get the couch? That's a great question. I think West Elm. Ooh. I just redid my apartment.

This is the first time I've ever made money in my life. Anybody ever right there with you? Right, so I'm like, I want a nice couch and I want nice hair. And now I don't know what to do. Now I'm like, I did it. Next? I don't know where to go.

What's the towel situation at the house? Do you have a full set of all matching towels? No, I mean, I have just like white towels, like large enough for my body and some just for washing my face. Do you have anything monogrammed? No, I'm not that big of a f***er. I don't know.

Monogrammed and I live by myself. I don't know. ML by myself. Did you call my mom the F word? I did. She was asking for it. Let's go into the bedroom. We got a king size mattress, queen size.

Full, I don't, I miss New York. I can't have a full size. Okay. How many pillows are on the bed? Well, during the day, I have one, two, three, four, five, and then I take them off for just the two when I go to sleep. Do you make your bed every day?

Every f***ing day. Really? I will go. You gotta do vey? Yeah. Huh. That's pretty good. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Two. One temporary and one normal. And I'm trying to sleep on my back so my face looks less puffy when I wake up. Is that a thing? Mm-hmm. It looks pretty good. You can sleep it on your stomach, apparently.

I've been sleeping upside down. Oh, the blood's resting on your stomach. What, even a harness or something? I knew those doctors were wrong. That scale was rigged. You sleep on your back. All right. I tried to.

I tried to. When you go to sleep, is it complete darkness? Any white noise machines? I have my white noise machine. I play, I'll play it for you now. It's the, just the airplane. Ooh, okay, I like that. What's that?

Like the hum? Yeah, just like the humming of an airplane. It's just this. Wait, that's it. I put it on low. Oh, that's all right. That's nice. I don't mind that you sleep with an eye mask.

Yeah, I was gonna say. No. You have a robe. A robe? I don't like robes. My ex loved robes. Don't get them, don't like them. Not comfortable.

No, and you think, I mean, it's kind of like a dress. I would love it. I wish I would. I wanted to wear a caftan in my later years, but nope, I have no robes. I was still on. Oh, whoops, sorry. I thought it was gonna be airplanes flying over.

Like when you were a kid. Oh, like when you were a kid. Yeah. We got JetBlue784 coming in. Mike, bring the cat in. You need Tower Chatter to go to bed. Airplanes and a guy screaming about ketchup on hot dogs. And I'm like, hmm, home.

Do you sleep with your socks on? No, what are you sleeping at? I just underwear. Nice. I got a weighted blanket too. Do you have any pictures of that? Or anything? Weight of blankets?

I got tons of me in my underwear. What up? If you care to see them. Did you go real heavy on the weighted blanket? I didn't realize it was gonna be so heavy. I got it on Amazon. It was like 80 pounds. 80 pounds.

I was like, this shit's fucking heavy. I think I got like a 40. Give me the earthquake model. Yeah, it's heavy. Holy shit. But I love it. I wanna feel like I'm trapped under a collapsed bridge. What the fuck?

I'll take the 9-11 please. 80 pounds. It's almost fetish. I mean, it's so heavy. I feel like I'm just sort of BDSM-ing myself every night. But I fucking love it. A little burrito, just night. It does make you feel nice and cozy.

Oh yeah. When was the last time you bought a scratch-off lottery ticket? Never. Really? Never in my life. Where are you getting your hair cut at? I just got it today in Williamsburg. This guy, Arthur, does my hair.

Fancy joint? Not a barbershop. Yeah, it's a barbershop. Barbershop, okay. What do you tip your barber? 20%. I forgot to tip him. Oh my God, I have to.

I'm gonna put this on my phone to remind myself, sorry. Thank God you said that. Jesus Christ. That'll remind you? Yeah, I'll look at him like, why is there water? Oh, I gotta tip Arthur. That's real old country shit. When's the last time you had a massage?

I go to my buddy Steve probably once a month. I should go more often. You go once a month for a massage? I try to, I try to because I'm playing so much. I do the same thing. My back is fucked and I go to the gym. But he's great. He's Puerto Rican, Brooklyn, gay, awesome.

We talk X-Men action figures. Last time I got a massage, he's fantastic. Last time I got a massage, we were watching Sister Act 2. It's great. What's the cookware situation at the house? I have good cookware. Do you have what's it called, crusette?

I think I do. I think that is what it's called. Like crusette. Is it the? The colored. Yes, I do. The solid color. Yes, yes.

Have you ever worn a fedora? When I was 22 and I thought it was hot shit and I was dating this guy named Jacob. Yes, he wore one and I thought I was cool too. Oh man, I look like an asshole. It's tough to not, well, I've seen some people look all right in them, but it's tough to not look like an asshole.

Yeah, I think Sinatra in 1948. Yes, that's about it. Have you ever nude modeled or painted anybody in the nude? Both. Really? I have tons of pictures of me naked that photographers took. Some I'm sure are not real photographers. And then.

And then. You're my landlord, Steve. A lot of me too has happened to me in 2018 on Instagram. It was great. I love those photos. Oh, you and Stavie have great photos together. Oh, and him, Stavros and I did all nudes together. Shout out to Stavie.

Have you had lamb in the last 365 days? I have. You have? Yeah, I've been that class to like Moroccan restaurants, Greek restaurants. Pretty classy. Let's see. Have you ever been a fan of the show Dog the Bounty Hunter?

No. Have you had Dippin' Dots in the last 365? Not only do I hate Dippin' Dots, I think they're birdseed. I love the fact that, because it was really great America that was trying to push Dippin' Dots on us, that it was gonna be the ice cream of the future.

And when I went back to Six Flags a year ago, they had scratched out ice cream of the future in front of Dippin' Dots, and I love the idea of the heads of Six Flags getting together and them being like, guys, it's never happening. It's not happening. We didn't get detraction.

We thought we were gonna get. Right. Well, you asked to change tables at a restaurant. Yes. Really? Yeah. Because I'm saying it's too close to the door. Like me and Caitlin Palufo,

I take her on the road a lot. She's fucking fantastic. If you don't know where she's fucking fantastic. One of our favorite episodes. Shout out to Gary. Love her. So we'll go to, like, woke up with trying to find nice breakfast spots

to get a nice latte. Love a nice breakfast spot. Right, and by the way, I hate lattes that come in a glass cup. It's enough. It needs to be ceramic, okay? So, I never, I also agree with that. When it comes to food and coffee, I'm pretty bitchy.

So, not bitchy, classy. I like it. And. It's a bitchy way to spin it. It's a fucking empty restaurant with all these gorgeous booths, and we walk in and we're like, hi, Kitu, for us.

And they sit us at this fucking table in the middle of the restaurant with two wood chairs. Can we sit at the booth? Like, what is this? No one's here. You wanna sit at the booth? No, I wanna sit in the middle of the restaurant

and listen to you clean. Yes, I wanna sit at a booth. So we go to the booth. Did you say that to them? And I say, yeah, we'd like that. That'd be great. I'm very nice to waiters. I very, very, very nice to waiters.

If you were gonna die tomorrow and you had one last meal you could have, what would you get? Anywhere in the world? Anywhere in the world. I would go to, oh, in New York or in the world? Both. I want both.

I would probably, I would go to Pico da Cucina Estrario, I forgot to say that word, and then eat their lasagna with arancini, arancines, sorry, Sicilians. And then in the world I would go to a place in Trastevere in Rome called Ziumberto in Gepucatina Matriciana.

It's the best. I would just shovel my face. I don't know what any of that is, but throw some garlic bread on the side and I'm down. I got Diet Coke there, what's going on? That sounded fantastic. Huh. Hmm, okay.

These are fascinating questions. What's the luggage situation? In terms of what? Cause I'm flying every week, so like what's your carry on? So it depends, if I'm doing a two day weekend, I literally bring a backpack. Really? Oh, I'm just so tired of carrying shit.

I don't want, you know what I'm saying? If it's like a 40 weekend, I got like a normal carry on luggage. Yeah, like a roller bag. Is that a brand bag? It's just Amazon, but it's orange, so that way I'll know it's mine. Okay.

Are we flying up front? Always. Hit me. Always first class. I'm diamond, I fly, here's the thing, for people listening, you're a Delta man. I'm Delta. I'm diamond too.

This is- I'm not gonna make gold. No you're not. Yeah, I am. You're not diamond, you're silver. Ah! You're not gonna make gold. I'm gold, I won't make, I won't make platinum.

You're so far from diamond. I need, I need 8,000, I need 8,000 miles. To get to gold. To get to gold. And then you gotta get to platinum. I'm not even close to platinum. Let me ask you this, does it reset again? Every year.

But I think this time, you have till the end of 2023. Well the way they work- Yeah, I'll be diamond all next year, but then next year I have to work up to diamond again. You have to earn it again. This is what I'll save, cause people like, I'm sure I sound real high-fluten and I am. But when you're flying, I was on six planes last week.

Yeah, no, it's crazy. When your whole job is flying, every single week I'm on multiple planes, it is worth my investment to be comfortable before I go perform for thousands of people. We say the same thing. So I- It's part of the job.

You part of your job. So now it's like, yes, I want to be on the plane first, I want to be comfortable and I want to fucking mule. I never understood why people wanted to be on the plane first until I got on the plane first. I'm like, this is way better. Yeah, yeah. It's just, there's no mind fuck of am I gonna get a thing?

Do I have to check my bag at the gate? You're just on there chilling with a cup of coffee. And I'm TSA pre-check and I'm clear. Nice. I'm all through the airport. It's good stuff. Will you bring food onto the plane? Never.

I'm not fucking disgusting. That is the worst thing you will bring food. Look, if you want to bring like nuts or something or like a bar, fine. If you're bringing in a cooked meal on the plane. Crazy. Case vergonio. Disgraziato.

Disgraziato. That one I know. It's everybody says it to you. My hands go off, it's grandma. You sit at the meal all the time. You're underpants are. Disgraziato. Will you take your shoes off on the plane?

Nope. Not at all. Will you take the snacks? Are you an aisle or a window man? Take the snacks? Yeah. I always aisle because I have to pee all the time. Me too.

Always the aisle. Snacks, of course. Take snacks. Biscoff cookies. Okay. And I get, here's the thing, because I don't want to dehydrate because I fly so much.

And if you have too much, I like a warm drink on the plane, but I hate tea. So I get decaf coffee. It's powder Starbucks decaf coffee. This is on Delta. I have no idea what you disgusting people on United do.

You jet blue animals. Jet blue monsters. But it's great. It's warm. It's not going to dehydrate you. It tastes like coffee. It's great. I might switch over to the B-calfs.

It's pretty good. Do, do, do. Have you ever- Okay, please. Have you ever spent a night in a castle? A night in a castle? No. No?

I wouldn't even know how that would happen. This is one of my earlier questions that I had written down. Before the- Before the Uncle Mike situation. Oh, wait. You thought he would see so glassy. At some point, he slept in a castle.

That's what I wrote last night. I also was going to ask if you ever been to a dinner party where a late 90s or early 2000s R&B singer was hired to perform. To perform? Yeah. No. I couldn't even imagine how I'd get there.

Have you ever had a Negroni? That's a hip-to-hip-to dessert. We have L.O. Pool J going up. That'd be kind of fantastic. That's how classy I thought he was coming into this. Negroni, of course. Okay. What's your go-to drink?

I don't drink it. Not a big drink. Every blue moon I drink, I'll have a glass of white wine in Italy as well. But if I'm gonna drink, it's either a bullet on the rocks or a margarita. Shaken. Okay.

A Negroni with Prosecco, Spagliotto with Prosecco. She says that pretty good. Makes you want to have one. That's exactly why I wrote that question too. That's- Have you ever owned a George Foreman grill? Absolutely not. Do you have things?

What's on autopay? You got everything on autopay? Yeah. I mean, there's bills and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Besides my rent, it's still old school in New York.

I gotta write a check every month. What about the credit cards? What are you rocking? You got an image card? Yes, American Express. Miles card. Nice. Okay.

How's the credit score? Good, very good. I always pay. What's the gym situation? I know you're working out. Where are you going? I go to Equinox and I have a trainer. Ooh.

You meet the trainer at Equinox? Yeah. How many times a week do you see him? Five. What the fuck? Four or five. Holy shit. And it's Daimon Bell.

Wouldn't it be crazy if it was one time and he was that good looking? Like, maybe he's like, I go once a month. Well, he can work it on his own. Damn, you see the trainer five days a week. As much as I can when I'm in town. His name's Daimon Bell. He's from Australia and he's really attractive

and really handsome, but he's also really good trainer. Okay. Everything he says sounds like a question. You should look him up, Daimon Bell. He's fucking smoking hot. In his pictures, he looks like he's gonna like crush your head and he's like so fucking sweet but like, hey Daimon, how are you?

Oh, I'm just doing good. But like, I took the dogs out to die and like, I feel like one of them is feeling very well. Does he work at Equinox or is he a private trainer that you bring? He works at Equinox. I think you can't just like bring any Joe Shmo into Equinox.

I don't know what these rich people do. I don't know how that works. Have you ever skied in jeans? I don't know how to ski. I've never skied. Snowboard? I don't know how snowboard. Jet ski?

I jet skied once, but I was riding on the back because my friend Emma Willman's friend Gail had a jet ski and it was the first time I was on it and it was horrifying. Okay, shout out to Emma. Love her. Love Emma. When was the last time you were on a boat?

A boat. I don't know. Have you ever been on a yacht? Oh, like a ferry. From- That's not now when ferry doesn't count. No, to go to P-town. I was coming back from a gig in P-town.

I took a ferry. Okay. What's P-town? Provincetown. Provincetown. Okay. Is that in Jersey? Yes, it's in Jersey.

What about in Italy? Have you ever been on like a yacht floating around? Not a yacht. No, I mean- Like Cuomo or anything like that? No, I don't go to the North. It's the only place I've been. Fuck.

Fuck. You know what? I was- Dirtbag. I stink. No, it's like so fancy, shmancy. The North, are you kidding? They're like rich.

I was on a- You're just saying that. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I was on a-

In Sicily, when I was like 21, my cousins and I got on a boat with this old, old Sicilian guy, he hated me. And it was, but the boat was like the size of this table. And we just were like out on the Mediterranean like fishing. It was weird. So you've been fishing before? Oh yeah.

Okay. Fishing and hunting. Really? My dad's a hunter, but I hated it. But I'd go with when I was like- What would he go for? What would he go for? Deer or pheasant or-

Boan arrow or gun? Gun. Would you go, did you ever hunt and get a deer? I never, no, I never shot. I mean, I've shot a gun before, but I've never shot the gun to shoot the deer. I was like off in the trees singing like Sleeping Beauty. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But you knocked that shit off over there. You're scaring a deer away. Which I said, well, if I've watched, if I've learned anything from Disney films, singing that kind of music will bring the deer to us. Oh yeah, all the animals will come out. Have you ever left a bad Yelp review? No.

I wouldn't even know how to. How do you feel about the rotisserie chicken from the supermarket? No. Really? I don't like chicken like that. I don't like that. I want to make sure I do the whole fucking chicken.

Where are you shopping? What's your grocery store now? Morton Williams, right by my house. They have very good, decent prepared food behind the camera over there. I know, I know, I know. Are you banned from anywhere? No.

Banned, I don't know. Is there certain places where you're like, I no longer go back to that establishment? Or like, you know, whether it be a chain restaurant. Like thrown out of a Fridays or something like that. Not thrown out, but you just go like, what do you imagine? What do you have to do to get thrown out

of a goddamn Fridays, by the way? Literally set the place on fire. Murder someone and paint the room with the blood. No, I'm kind of very New Yorker, I only go to like the same four places. Sure. You know? Okay.

Yeah. I'm kind of, I mean, I'm... I for sure thought you were gonna be like D's Tequila. Oh, in Chicago? No, I was never kicked out of gay clubs in Chicago, but I used to love, they had a place called Taco Burrito Palace on Halstead. And they knocked the whole thing down

and the sex shop for some big apartment building, it was devastating. It was the best place ever. Worst news of my life. I'm good, I mean, I don't, I'm, I think if I ask any more, I'll just be more confused as to what this verdict is. What am I like, half class, half...

Ever been to Carbon? Never, I would never go to Carbon. Yeah, he's doing it like this. I want real Italian food. That's not real Italian. It's American Italian, which I like American Italian food, don't get me wrong. But it's not Italian.

Do you, how often do you cook at the house? I mean, now I order my meals because it's like when I'm on the road, I come back, I just wanna food, microwave, yeah. But if every once in a while, like I'll have friends over and cook pasta. Okay. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?

Yes, I have. At my friend D's Bachelorette party in Chicago. That doesn't really count, Bachelorette party. Do you own a working printer at the apartment? No. Ever used a business center at a hotel? I don't think so. Wow, do you leave a tip for the, in the hotel?

Yes, the maid. How much we talking? If depends if they come clean, now they don't really clean the room. So I'll leave like, you know, I don't know, 20. It's pretty good. That's pretty good. Will you buy stuff at a duty free shop?

No. Yeah, I mean like yogurt. No, that's like, I meant like the duty free when you travel internationally. That's what I'm saying. If like just like some quick protein, like a water bottle or something. Okay.

But I'm usually eating on the thing. Hmm. Hmm. You get cash back when you make purchases. No. Hmm. There's another one I had from last night. Now granted, it's gotta be on a curve.

Do I own a dragon? What's your dragon's name? I was gonna, have you ever made love in front of a fireplace? Unfortunately, yes. That's pretty classy. It was, it was this guy I was briefly dating when I was in my early 20s.

Just. Oh, I'll remember if that's pretty classy. Yeah. It wasn't that great. Hmm. Still, you did it. Classy. I did do it.

Anybody in your family claim to have seen a UFO? Yes, my Uncle Mike. Hmm. That's it. Close the book. That's it. Fuck. It's been good.

Come on, man. Come on, man. Fuck your trash. I thought I was teeing you up with the fireplace. Mateo, when I was a kid, your uncle Ed and I were out there fishing. I will admit, we were having a couple of drinks and I saw this thing in the sky.

And I looked at it and I says, hey, are you looking what I'm looking at? And it was just bright of different colors and it flew away as quickly as I could see. Years later, I was at a wedding and I was talking to a guy. He was working for the military. And I says, listen, this guy sounds kind of crazy.

But years ago, I saw this thing in the sky. He goes, I know that thing. I saw the same thing. And I says, okay. And he goes, I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not allowed to say it, but whatever you saw, doesn't come from this planet. That's all I know, Mateo.

Mateo laying 100% garbage. Trash. I love it though. But man. What a story. Yeah. That's quite shocking. You're right.

I was kind of trashy. But with great food. Yeah, that you can speak a couple of languages that kind of almost tipped you over, but. I know. I guess I was singing opera and painting and living in Italy and so on. My later years in life that I was sort of.

I thought this was gonna be a clinic. Of like what? Me being classed? Yeah. No, I guess. No, I didn't have like a, you know we were talking to someone, they say they have like maids growing up

or like their nanny took care of them or like, I'm like, it just seems like. Not in my neighborhood. Yeah. We had Uncle Mike and the aliens. We had Uncle Mike. We had my, I could call my mom right now and be like, Mom, were we poor?

Well, we weren't poor, but you know, we did fine. Your vacation down the street. I know. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Matteo Lane. Thank you, buddy. We're on tour right now. You have an amazing special out. Yeah. Watch it.

It's on YouTube at Matteo Lane. It's called the advice special. It was just, it was a crowd work special, but I wanted to twist to it. So it just called it the advice special and I literally just asked the audience to ask me advice and you know, gays have a lot of fun things to talk about. Sure.

It's fantastic, buddy. One of the funniest, you got to check them out. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? I guess follow me on Instagram and date me. There you go. Kippy, what do you got? Guys, we have a couple of shows left. Get your tickets now.

Boston's about to sell out. If it's not already Providence's, the second show will be sold out. Yeah. Appreciate it. Come see us gang. We love you and we'll see you next week. Peace. Peace.