Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Matteo Lane Returns!

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast presents stand up comedian and podcast host Matteo Lane. You know Matteo Lane from Stand Up Comedy, the Flagrant podcast w/ Andrew Schulz, We Might Be Drunk podcast, Matteo Lane Makes, Whiskey Ginger, and his special "Hair Plugs and Heartache"! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! Through the Roof Tour Tickets: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage CoPilot: https://mycopilot.com/garbage Ladder Life: https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Gang, we got a hot new merch shop over there at RUgarbage.com. We got a fresh crop of tees just in time for the spring. Yeah, plus we got Aunt Tootie hats. We got some of the classics from before coming back. RUgarbage.com. Get them water hot. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage,

the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy, but they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash.

I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She's upstairs resting. She had a big intermural basketball game last night. Okay. 36 points, 12 rebounds, 18 assists, two technicals, unfortunately. Yeah. She kept trying to play with her shirt off.

Okay. What are you going to do? My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. That feels like a waste of eight hours. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, what up, gang?

Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube, as you know those numbers are. True to Ralph. Cooking. Cooking. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You can get a bajillion hours worth of content over there.

And also, all tickets on sale for our new tour, Through the Roof Tour 2024 on sale at rugarbage.com. Get them tickies. Yeah, get them tickies, gang. Come out and see the boys. And having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the old magic man. Makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins. Toby McMullen, everybody. Let's go.

Hey, what up, boys? Hey, pal. I'm so stoked. I love this guy. Who does it? Chicago legend. Chicago. Maybe the most talented person on earth. The one I ever met, yeah. Comedy, singing, drawing. This guy could do every job at a county fair. i'm sure he's not bad in the bedroom either i like how you said that so trashy comedy singing acting drawing this guy can draw gang the long hair ain't lying because we could be more excited to have our incredibly and i mean incredibly special guest back with us again today he's a very funny very successful stand-up comedian he's on tour right now not only only in North America, but in Europa. Doing dual continent tours right now.

He's got a brand new podcast, I Never Liked You, and also his advice special is up on his YouTube page. You know him, you love him. Just to recap real quick, alright, when he was on the first time, he grew up next to an airport, got his passport when he was 15, makes his bed every day, wore a fedora

once at 22. That was a strike against him. I'll let it slide. He jet skied once, but he was on the back, so what are you gonna do? He's never been thrown out of a restaurant. He tips 20 bucks for the hotel, doesn't get cash back, but unfortunately he was deemed trashed, but we're gonna give him another shot. Give it up for the one, the only, Matteo Lane.

Hello. There he is. You guys would be great radio hosts for like a Grease musical, like, you know what I mean? You have that 1950s great banter back and forth. It is. We're just turning into Morning Zoo at this point. Give it up for Johnny Fontaine, everybody. Toby, hit him with the weather.

I will get it. Buddy, thanks for coming back to see us, man. Yeah, man. Thank you. I'm so excited. This is the most fun I've ever had on a podcast. I'm very excited to be back. We saw you about a year ago.

You were on a meteoric rise, and that rise has just seemed to continue. You're killing it. Kid moves tickets. I'll tell you that right now. Look out. Thanks. Got married? Got married.

Whoa. Off the market, baby. I'm off the market. I'm still holding out that thing crashes. I blew it. Hopefully the other guy turns out not to be gay and I can slide in. Hey, dad. Hearts breaking on the west side of cities across America.

It always is the west side. Why is that? But also a huge sigh of relief from everybody. That's enough of me. How long were you seeing each other? Give us the deets. I want to know about the wedding, the event. Okay, so we got married at City Hall, which is the closest I've ever been to going to jail and um

I also got married at City Hall and I gotta say it was me and a bunch of gay couples okay you guys it's all gay guys in there so for us we were the only there was there was one other gay couple okay and I'm not making this if I have photographic evidence or because they give you a ticket like you're at a deli when you go crazy it's like the DMV and you walk out married it's not it will also to it's like how romantic to walk through you know a metal detector but we we we gave us our number we're number 69 hello I know and then when they to be when they called it because they have like the numbers you like the DMV you sit there waiting for your number everyone sort of dressed up I'd say half

the couples were there for love and they called 69 when we got up everyone was like is this a joke it's a bit yeah and then we were rushed through so they you go in and then our woman who was our judge her name was Juanita she's from the Bronx and we were like her 18th wedding that day and we go in and it's it's uh Rodrigo me her and then my mom and then our friend and then my mom's holding on the phone because Rodrigo's from Mexico all 40 members of his Mexican family on zoom And none of them muted themselves The world's worst zoom dude

So the sound is just like do you Mattel you take Rodrigo to be a lawfully wedded a husband in the background like Soccer game playing in the back somewhere fireworks going off we get married go uh all right you guys dressed up i assume we did we dressed up like two good drug lords from the 1970s i mean i've seen your husband he's hot yeah he's gorgeous i in you i'm sure you both do well i know you do well i'm sure you look. You probably looked out of place in there. What were you wearing? We were wearing, I was in an all black. I had my friend Taylor O'Rear dress as Hot Tyler.

He's from Texas, okay? And I was in a black button down that tucked into high black pants that flared. So they're like Liza Minnelli from the waist down. And Danny Zuko from the waist up. I wore the same thing, actually, in my life. It was very, very tasteful. And Rodrigo wore the same one, but in red. Like a bright red. Sure.

Okay. So we really looked gay. It's like a Harry Styles. I know. That's what I was picturing. I'm shocked that it was at the courthouse. What was the afterwards? What was the reception?

Did you do anything fun there? Because a lot of people do some fun stuff there. Or did you walk out and have a champagne toast? Yeah, we walked on all of our friends through. Yeah, we did the same thing. Oh, they were all waiting outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

But I kept it small. I think as comics, I'm so against that kind of attention, like birthdays and stuff. Because we get so much attention all the time. So it can be embarrassing, but it was really, really beautiful. It's fun, yeah. Yeah, my parents came out and then we went to the cellar and Liz at the cellar. I did a spot real quick. It's a write-off.

I did a type five. No, we went to the cellar and it was beautiful. I just said to Liz we're just going to come to the cellar afterwards. We can just order some drinks. But they had Johnny the waiter. He made us a giant cake and all this stuff it really was a nice day but i'm a little relieved afterwards because it's so much pressure and you have to talk to these you know just like oh we just let's be married and move on with our lives yeah i think what's the honeymoon sitch the honeymoon situation was kind of like all over the place i immediately started touring

so i had to go to australia so we haven't had our proper proper honeymoon but we're gonna wait till things all settle down what's the idea on that you guys kicking around ideas back to the courthouse get a divorce we're just gonna go to the dmv just to really get the full experience um probably go to italy or something okay all right that's like a mix of class and because. Cause the courthouse is really questionable. It's a good, it's K it's a very New York thing. It's very kitschy. It's like, you're in there with like people from all different walks of life.

It's, it's not, I remember we did, why do we did champagne? Like out on the steps afterwards. And then like the celebration fades through and you're just a guy drinking on the street, New York. You know what I mean?

You're just like, I'm a plastic champagne. What are you church in this up? It's trash, but it's fun. And it's a good, it is you're just like I'm a plastic champagne what are you churching this up it's trash but it's fun and it's a good it is a cool experience I'm saying I just imagine a guy getting dragged through in handcuffs being like I didn't do shit congratulations did you take your picture in the big wall in front of the big wall like the okay the mugshot wall it says you're six two you're holding up and I'm married to stupid they do have a wall.

It's very Six Flags on the inside. It is. You got to pay to get your picture at the end. They have a guy walking around. You can buy flowers from him. There was funfetti. You can do everything. There's a guy standing out front.

He's like, I'll be your witness. I have flowers. I can take pictures. They have a menu of services. They do. And the wall that they have, because the courthouse is so ugly, they have a fakethouse it looks like a southern sort of like not even from new york it's just like it's like a clip art picture of fucking a courthouse on google and people were taking pictures in front of it like it was prom or something and so of course we did it i mean i

was like we we absolutely have to so i was making like all these weird faces and i can't be serious yeah but it was fun when you walk around. People know you're getting married, so people honk. It was fun. Very New York-y. I remember seeing that. I saw you posted about it on Instagram. And I got to tell you, that is not what I was fantasizing and dreaming about that night as I was laying in bed thinking about this elaborate wedding.

I pictured helicopters and flowers. My dad was flying the helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the coast of Italy. elaborate wedding i pictured helicopters and flowers my dad was flying the helicopter yeah on the coast of italy and there was there was things coming down and doves flying around a little past hors d'oeuvres i mean i'm not waiting houston i can't i mean this is like funny because i had her there in the fantasy no i i honestly i was like i just let's just do a small wedding and have and honestly that's way more in line with me. Like comics and friends, just a small group of friends. How do you feel about destination weddings?

I think they're insufferable. Thank you. I refuse to go – if anyone asks me to go on a destination wedding and they get mad because I say no, you're a narcissist. I'm not flying to Timbuktu to watch you and your husband say yes and then three years later pick you up after your divorce. I'm not – weddings just cost too much. to Timbuktu to watch you and your husband say yes and then three years later pick you up after your divorce. Weddings just cost too much. I went to seven weddings once one year and at the end of it I was like, it's enough already.

Folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. Foley's having a destination wedding. Where is it? In Hawaii? I just came back from Hawaii. It's four days before Christmas. It's two days before Christmas. What, it's two days before Christmas. What are you doing?

You putting my business out there? It'll be flooded with paparazzi. The amount of arguments happening between couples right now when you sent out those invitations. More divorces are going to happen before your wedding. Forget about those couples. The war going on in the apartment is insane. She's from Hawaii. Oh, that's different.

Thank you. That's different. That's still the destination for everyone in New York. No, I know, but I will say that changes everything. That changes everything. He's backtracking. He's trying to be nice. No, he's not.

He was trashing destination weddings. I've always hated them, too. But, you know, it is what it is. Just don't ask me to go to fucking Spain. You know what I mean? Spain's closer than Hawaii. I'd rather go to Spain. Yes, it is.

It's like a 12-hour flight from New York. It's rough going, too. Let me tell you that. Those first-class tickets are brutal. Yeah. I don't know. What are you going to do? And the reason it's that time of the year is because, you know, we have a lot of kids in our family,

and it was best for the kids to be out of school. Well, don't bring the kids into this. I mean, this seems like... It's these goddamn kids' fault, I tell you. We're not in court right now. There's no reason to defend yourself. My nephew's got ADD. What do you want me to do?

Well, a 12-hour flight's not going to help. Oh, man, you guys are going to have to make three emergency landings. God damn it. All right. Okay. We're having fun. So since we saw you last year, obviously, you know, you've been touring like crazy. I'm like, Cher, I just don't stop.

I saw this interview. I just picture you, like, laying on a velour couch, and they're like, Mr. Mateo, showtime! And you snap into it, fucking go out and just bell out a tune real quick. I'm a little upset. Cher was promoting a Christmas album, which her song is absolutely not Christmas. DJ, play my music! I saw her on Good Morning America. She's like, oh, and then Stevie Wonder sang with me.

I saw that. She said the same story in every interview. And then Stevie said I would do it. Lady, you're honored. Give saw that. She said the same story in every interview. She did. And then Stevie said, I would do it. Lady, you're honored. Give it up. And she's so famous. She acts like getting Stevie Wonder to sing on her album is rare. I was honored.

I'm like, you're fucking Cher, lady. What are you talking about? But this interviewer asked her the most softball question. He was like, so Cher, what inspired you for Christmas album now? Which, you know, all celebrities say like, oh, it was reminding my childhood. I thought she was Jewish, to be honest with you. She's Armenian. I'm Armenian. Okay. And then she literally goes, she's like, oh, it reminded my childhood. I thought she was Jewish, to be honest with you. I'm Armenian.

Okay. And then she literally goes, she's like, what inspired you to make the album now? She goes, my manager made me do it. That's a real passion project. My manager wanted a new house in Malibu. Translation, she's jammed up on cash. That's grabbing the bag. I know what a Christmas

album and duets mean. That means you're hurting for some dough. Speaking of cash. What do you got on you right now? You're killing it. You're killing it even more than you were last year. Has there been any silly purchases? Anything like that? More hair and now a beard.

More hair and now a beard. I didn't want to say. We were supposed to record this like three. I asked him, like, hey, whatever the date was, can you do whatever, whatever? And he's like, I can't. I'm getting more hair, so I'll be out of commission for two weeks. He's like, but I'd love to do it after. And you did the beard, you said.

I did. Which I can't tell and why. I can't tell anything on the beard. I threw on a beard. I just never had this, and I was like, you know what? I'm bored. Where did they pull that from? From under here.

No kidding. But this is, like, super easy. This, they tack on, and four four days later you're good to go. But this is still like I just sprayed my hair with that fiber spray so it didn't look like because the hair they put in here is like starting to fall out. Okay. But they just really like lined me up and so I have to wait for April for it to come back in. Is this like a thing you have to do?

You have to maintain it or it should be good now? No, no. I'm just bored. I wanted more. You can shave and everything and it would come back. Yeah. No kidding. Man, I'd love to get rid of this shit down here.

It's I mean, that grows back, though, right? I don't know. Actually, I don't know. But it's better to have less down here. It makes the cleanup easier. Yeah, I guess so. I've never had this before and I'm really now I look like I could sell cell phones at a kiosk in a Jersey mall.

But, you know, I need a pager. Yeah that was that was the that was the the big move did you guys uh do you stay in the same apartment you were in yeah staying in the same apartment okay now and i like my apartment also i'm gone a lot so really it's at this point it's just easier than thinking about a move and this and that and he's you know to start working soon. So it honestly works out great for us. That's not bad. Keep shit tight. I don't know if we talked. What kind of car are you whipping around?

Do you have a car or no car? I don't have a license. No license. My license, I got rid of my license when I moved to New York. It expired. I was like, I'll get to it eventually. And then I haven't. Does he drive?

No, under no circumstances. So we're just Ubering everywhere. Honey, he's for looking he's not a thinker he's very smart yeah i'm kidding i'm kidding um no neither one of us has licenses so we just take the train or walk or i'm in a good neighborhood i'm in the west village so it's easy to sort of get to all the places i need to go had you ever lived with anybody before um i mean just roommates but not like a romantic did you guys have together before you got married was he was he in there and you guys were doing like the couples we were doing

like a back and forth back and forth and okay but i mean honestly it was a pretty smooth transition and no who's making the bed who's doing this who's doing that me i'm more particular i was like i made the bed and i'm like it looks like shit i'll do it. So I'm the maid of my own home. It does. I like it a certain way. And so I'm making the bed. That's my job. And you're cleaning the apartment.

You're handling all that stuff. We both clean, but he does the laundry more than me, which I like. Washer and dryer in the unit? No. Where you got to go? In the building? We got to walk downstairs and give it to a lady, and then she does it for us. But they're very nice.

Oh, fluff and fold. You just said he was doing the laundry. He carries it okay but he's really strong he's gotta stop and get a latte after that i just picture him going oh that was dumb he's sipping sipping a macchiato or something oh my god i really sound so highfalutin we love it it's great in my post-marriage i'm so not trash i'm like oh no someone does that for me. But it sounds glamorous, but when you're in New York, you're walking around the street, dropping it off and screaming. I'm shocked that you do fluff and fold, to be honest with you, as particular as you are. You like their detergent and all that stuff?

Yeah, I mean, they do a great job. I just want the bed to look nice. That's it. Are you getting anything dry cleaned? What do you get dry cleaned? I don't even know what dry cleaning is. Not to sound like Jerry Seinfeld. I don't know what that i'm right there like a shirt like that you're just getting that washed three dollars from buff i got this in buffalo

i thought that was four thousand dollars an al dente shirt that looks expensive everything you wear looks real classy look it looks expensive yeah uh What's the vacuum cleaner situation over at the house? I have just like a normal vacuum. Dyson? No. I got a Dyson because my friend Sean was like, get a Dyson. You got to. But it's so powerful.

I'm like, what am I, sucking an alien? I love it. It's so powerful. And then my rug, which was expensive, is like getting ripped up. So I just have a normal, went to Best Buy got a vacuum That's it. Okay, okay any cleaning person coming in once a month or anything Yeah, I have a cleaning person me and Liz from the cell use the same girl, and she's great how frequent every like Maybe like twice a month good. I just want someone to like you know deep clean the tiles and stuff

Do you clean up before she gets the horse you have to you have to? clean the tiles and stuff. Do you clean up before she gets there? Of course. You have to. You have to. I can't see her leave. I'm thinking filth, you know? And then Rodrigo gives me a thing,

but that's her job. I'm like, no, clean. I'm embarrassed. Kip, give me a blue chew, baby. I'm hard right now. Got a hot one tonight. Look out. Louisville slugger down there.

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Do it. Do it. Okay. Let's take a step back a little bit we got a couple of questions that we want to follow up on the i have one do you remember or did you listen to dj delilah after dark did you listen to delilah yeah of course i first of all 93.9 the light and she came on sounds religious and every this is chicago i thought she was just chicago everyone always thinks she's local to them

And she would always give the worst advice like someone would call and they're like everyone in my family's dead She's like I have a perfect song for you Shout out to her I Delia Delilah And then the Christmas season she'd come out shows up that was like that shit, like Michael's piano music behind her. God, she was insufferable. She gave the worst advice. She's like a three-time divorcee. She's like, hmm, yeah, well.

She's still banging out there. Is she? Yeah, I think so. We're banging. I mean, she's still on the air. Yeah, but she's in full REM. I mean, she's putting in the least amount of effort. But isn't it funny?

We all know her. Then no one really spoke about her until years later. Huh. Shame-based. You listen to her in shame. I think I heard her in a Target or something like that or a CVS. I had never heard of her. I guess she wasn't in my macket.

Really? No, yeah. No breakup years in high school or college? You throw her on in the car? I don't know where she would have been. I knew all the stations growing up. She was syndicated nationally. She came out at like 6 o'clock.

Preston and Steve had a pretty good grasp on the Philadelphia, greater Philadelphia area. Okay, well, speaking in this realm, there's a question we've been asking. Who was the most famous person you met before you started doing comedy? It could be like a local, like a Delilah-esque character or like, you know. Well, I got a letter from Obama. What? So I painted because I got a letter from Obama. What?

So I painted because I used to be an artist. I mean, I still am an artist, but as a job. And I was living in Chicago. And a friend who worked at the Obama headquarters downtown Chicago knew that I could draw. And they said, you know, do you want to do this mural? So I did this big mural for like the Obama headquarters, painted it, you know, spent a whole week doing it. And then a week later, I got a letter from Obama and he handwritten and a thank you wait he was president at the time yeah yeah it was it was his yeah in the middle of the beginning of his second

term or so I don't know it would have been right before I moved to New York typed out or handwritten uh part of it was typed and then he wrote at the very end was it his real signature yeah yeah yeah I looked I was like is this a stamp oh yeah, you start holding it up to the light and stuff. Damn, that's pretty good. That's all right. But you didn't meet him. Yeah, no. Who have you met?

Can you recall someone you've met maybe? Local celebrity, athlete. A Chicago celebrity. Musician. Oh, my God. I don't know. I can't think of that I met anybody. I mean, like someone from the real world.

Yeah, that's not great. I know. Fuck. Like three people from the real world. I don't yeah, that's not great. I Know I talk I assume like three people from the real world. I don't world Chicago. No there was this girl I forget her name now, but she was at a Hollister And my cousin and I chased her down were like are you for the real world? this is in Schaumburg mall and Chasing somebody out of our all right. Those are like my celebrities, I guess. Sure, yeah, no, that counts, yes, yes. What was the first concert that you ever went to? Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi.

I went with my friend Sophia. How old were you? I would have been... And your star was born. This is 2005, so I probably would have been like 19. Okay, so you guys went yourself. It's not like your parents dropped you off or anything like that.

Yeah, no, we were already living in the city, so we took the train. It was at the United Center. Nice. Where you guys will be soon. Catching a bulls game. She was late as she usually is. And I remember this gay guy yelled.

He's like, your hair looks fine. You know, like that was sort of. That's the big gay heckle. Because you know she is back there like, you know, curling her hair. We just want to hear you sing. Uh-huh. Okay. Have you started to do any of that on on the tour anything like that is there anything going on in the green room

that we'd want to know about it you get you have a posse do you roll with an entourage no i usually have one opener um i kind of like switch around friends like amina imani ethan simmons patterson christy cello sorry christy summers she got, and I put on Samara Joy, my favorite jazz singer, and we just hang out, and my rider's pretty small, and we just chit-chat and make fun. What are we talking on the rider? What's in that rider? I have peanut butter and bread, and I usually have a meal, chicken and rice,

vegetables, and just water and coffee. Peanut butter and bread? Fruit. I have a plate of fruit. I like strawberries. Do you get the dip in the center, the sour cream and cream cheese dip? No. No? Okay, fair enough.

Peanut butter and bread. Yeah, what's that all about? You like a nice peanut butter Sammy? Peanut butter and just like white bread, like just normal bread. You guys are all just in there making cheap sandwiches? What are you doing with that before you perform? You're eating that many carbs? Yeah, I'm stunned.

I know. Well, I used to open. This whole thing's a shame. I know. I know what's going to be at the Wilbur dressing room Yeah, that's it You know and I do like well so I when I used to open for Aziz like his writer was very small and so one Up for some reason you always had peanut butter and bread and so we had the same tour manager

So I just pretty much whatever has these had just throw on mine. Are you eating it? Yeah, like you know It's like a nice snack like sliced white bread. Yeah. You'll make a sandwich. Yeah. A whole sandwich or a half? It's like a little snack. You do a little half banger. No, like one piece of bread and peanut butter. Yeah, yeah, a little halfie, and then you fold it together.

Guys, he likes an incredibly dry mouth before he goes on stage. I guess you're right. There's not enough milk in the world to get me ready to perform after crushing a sleeve of fucking PB and J sandwiches. He'd be up there like Martin Landau. Like a dog with a hair in his mouth. I'm getting such a complex because I'm like, is that weird? Oh, my God.

Yes, that's for you. It's not normal. We were doing it. Hooker's cocaine. Sure. That'd be like, all right, I get it. Hooker. Well, what's on your guys' rider?

We don't really have one. Hold on. What peanut butter? Always Jif. Always Jif. Chunky or smooth? I would go with chunky Peter Pan, disgusting Skippy, disgusting

I'm a Skippy man I like a Jif too Moms prefer Jif They do My stepmom did at least If it was almond butter or something like that I could see And I can't see you eating regular plain white bread i do crazy i know is that in the house right now no no right now it's not no right now i i order all my meals frozen because

i can just grab them and go and it's even still yeah it's like you guys don't go to the grocery store sunday afternoon you were cooking last night because I texted you by accident. No, that was at Pepe Rosso. I was eating meatballs at Pepe Rosso. My dog's been sick and I tried to text my wife, how's his appetite? And I texted Mateo, how's his appetite? I was like, well, he sent

me back a bowl of pasta with a half eaten meatball. It's three in the morning. I was like, dude, I'm sorry. I knew it wasn't for me, but I still indulged. I was like, well, I mean, I know it was so funny. I was eating at that moment. You sick fuck. That's your move right there?

That's how I get in with these two hot guys. What are you eating right now? How's your appetite? I was going to be like, it's hot guys What are you eating right now? How's your appetite? I was going to be like, it's fine What's yours, freak show? I don't know That's adorable I got an appetite for tight bonds

I got a hankering for some Mateo sandwiches Okay, alright Peanut butter and white bread Coffee, water, fruit Which I never understood. I finally understood why Riders existed. I thought it was just like, I want this stuff, get it. But it's like when you, there's no available food and or drinks at a theater.

Like at a comedy club, there's a kitchen. Like, hey, we'll make you a salad, a sandwich, or whatever, or whatever. But at a theater, you're like, oh, there's actually no food or anything on the premises. One of my favorite things I ever heard at a comedy club I was doing the Addison Improv which is a great club yeah and the green room is right next to the bar where they're making all the drinks and obviously my audience has a lot of gay men it was so funny because at one point the bartender just yells another fucking We're out of olives. Danny, what's a Negroni?

Holy shit. But back to the thing. Are you getting your haircut in there or anything like that? Any type of stylist or makeup person in there with you? No. That would put so much stress on me to think that someone's there to do my hair. No, I'll do my own hair. I just paid for it.

I would've got you this. I'm just getting more hair implanted into each. That's how I paid for my surgery. It's in my rider. One graft per week. So I'm touring so much. Do you wear the outfit

that you're going to wear to the theater or do you bring something that you're going to change into this? No, usually. I usually just wear something like this. Something casual and you'll just wear that to soundcheck and then whatever. Yeah, soundcheck and light

I'm very big on. Me and Nicole Byer just co-headlined for the Hawaii Theater in Hawaii. Very nice. And she was like the show started at 7 and I was like, okay, let's get there at 5 for soundcheck. She goes, why? I go, what do you mean why? And she was like, I just kind of show up. I was like, oh, under there at five for soundcheck she goes why I go what do you mean why and she was like I just kind of show up I was like oh under no circumstances so I'm there I know exactly what I like we do the same thing yeah she was fascinated

love a soundcheck and I love the lights a certain way you know yeah we get the vibe of the sound guy you know the the roadie dudes all that kind of stuff the tech people it's fantastic all right okay um I got I got one or two about growing up as well uh have you ever owned your own tennis racket or golf clubs no no and no never racquetball no that's sports i mean the closest i got to was that magic wand my uncle mike made me that had a tennis ball taped to a stick and my cousin brian and i thought we were fairies huh okay what were the posters uh in the room growing up? Well, in high school, it was trying

to hold a facade. There's a lot of Halle Berry. That's a good one. I'm going to be trying to hold some facades then. When I was a kid, it was I guess like X-Men, Star Wars, and then now it's the same thing.

It's X-Men. It's a lot of X-Men. I do. I the same thing. It's X-Men. It's a lot of X-Men. I do. I just got a lot of triple X-Men. All 151, the original Pokemon cards, and I brought it to a framer, and he had them all framed. What? It's my, like, crowning achievement. Yes. I never thought about that.

It's huge, dude. What is the decor of the apartment? You have that hanging up, like, in the house? It looks great. And everyone who, like, a task grabber who comes in, they're like, oh, my fucking God. Like, everyone just like in the house? It looks great. And everyone who, like a task grabber who comes in, they're like, oh my fucking God. Like everyone just stares at it.

It's great. I had someone decorate it for me because I do not know how to decorate at all. So I found a guy and he was great. Okay.

And I just put everything where he told me to and then I just sort of leave it. And everyone's like, your apartment looks great. It's like I had nothing to do with it. So you have posters,

the X-Men like covers and stuff like, is it more art or, I mean, I know-Men covers and stuff. Is it more art? I mean, I know that's all art, but is it more art or is it more poster? It's like I have... You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Are they in frames of any kind? I have comic books and I have a whole shelf and wall of...

I get old Game Boys that are remade and I have video games, Pokemon, and I have X-Men and I have... But then I have my paintings I put up as well. There's not that much wall space in my apartment. Wait, the Game Boys, you have them in cases hanging on the wall? No, if you go on Etsy, people remake original Game Boy colors, and you can make them really

cool, modern-looking with bright screens. So I play a lot of Game Boy games. And by Game Boy games, Pokemon. So I just have a a little like shelf of them i love them on display yeah i did not expect that no i like it i wouldn't i really am nerding out me and dan soda were talking last night he got this thing i forget what it's called but you can play any video game on it like sega and stuff like that he's like well i fucking love it i just

play it all day so it's a pretty good sodaoder. Yeah. Soder's so fucking funny. He's the funniest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolute best. All-time fave. Love him. Do you remember any of your AOL screen names? It was Metroid 986.

Okay. And that was it. I loved Metroid. I still love Metroid. Metroid 986. And 986 is me and my cousin mixed our birthdays together. The numbers, I guess. The 986, yeah.

986. I just started cousin mixed our birthdays together, like the numbers. The 986, yeah. Okay. I just started creeping into video games again. We got Luca PlayStation 5 for Christmas, but there was an issue with the shipping and stuff like that. So my girlfriend, just to be nice, ordered one on the low. So in case that one didn't come, we had it for him. So I got to keep the other one. Nice. So I went through Battlefront, played that, but I was texting him last night trying to find games to play. I was looking for Metroid.

Call of Duty. I can't do Fortnite. Well, if you want, you got to get a Switch because they have all the classic games on there. Oh, then they have Metroid, and then they have Super Metroid, my favorite game of all time. He called me. He goes, I can't figure out these puzzles. I need a game with no puzzles. Yeah, they have Metroid Prime from GameCube on there, too.

He's just playing bong on it. You're playing E.T. from Atari. Oh, I love that. Don't get me started. I remember embarrassing myself in front of an ex-girlfriend when they reissued E.T. in the theaters. It's probably like 2000, 2002, they put it in theaters. And we were on the rocks anyway. We went to the movies.

And, man, I came out of there. I was, like, hyster put it in theaters. And we were on the rocks anyway. We went to the movies. And man, I came out of there. I was like hysterically bawling, crying. I was in a bad spot mentally. But man, that thing. He had some other stuff going on. At the end, what do you mean he leaves? It's the saddest thing ever. I don't like E.T.

You were 33. You didn't like E.T.? It gave me a, it was like a, I didn't feel good. I knew she was breaking up with him because she crossed, we were like walking out and I was like hysterically crying and people are coming, she walked across the street and like walked down on the other side. I was like, this ain't gonna work out.

Sounds like a smart broad if you catch my drift. I cried on a plane one time watching Coco for the first time. For some reason the plane was empty and I was doing some show in Scotland, it was years ago and there was a British flight attendant and so I was, I mean, losing it it like losing it and the flight attendant was like i've got a bit of the sniffles you want me to get you something from the back i'm not blowing you

okay how many upgrades um i was in like 58 q somebody just told us this i can't remember who it was that you cry more on an airplane because of the oxygen yeah the the altitude makes you there's like a physical thing to it where you are more emotionally charged or unstable not unstable you and that screen in front of you and it feels very like your own yeah like you're like in your head you're also like i am drunk i'm usually drunk and i'm pretty well i'm pretty wasted what if we don't have a show? It's crazy. Woo-wee! It's crazy how much he will.

And I'm a fucking booze bag. A nice six-hour, seven-hour, eight-hour flight up front, all cozy. He'll put down like 20 Bloody Marys. Really? And put my movies on. What did you drink? It was on the way to, we went to fucking Orlando. And, I mean, I think it was like 12 Bloody Marys.

12? It was crazy. And he's looking over me. That's like a two-hour flight. Dude, it was like 12 Bloody Marys 12? It was crazy That's like a two hour flight It's like 90 minutes, he's like why aren't you drinking I'm like I gotta get a rental car when we get here Like I can't just fucking show up smell like tomato juice I love drinking Bloody Marys on a plane and watching movies and that's where I fell

in love with the Zins because you can pop a Zin it's like having a heater on the plane Like a little nicotine pouch. Man. He turns it into Club Foley up there. I love it. Really? Yeah.

And I remember your sleep machine is airplane noise. That's the real thing. I get cozy up there. Well, when we take off, the pressure that puts you back, like it's like a, remember my weight blanket, which I got rid of. I just, I fall asleep every time we take off. Really? Every time.

I'm just like, not off. I love it. You shower at night? You shower in the morning? Sometimes both. Usually, I shower right after the gym, so. Which, what's that schedule? In the morning?

Usually in the morning. Okay. Like, 8, 9 o'clock. You set an alarm every day on your day off? Even on my day off? Do I say, yeah, I'll usually. Like, if you got nothing going on, you're like, I'll set it. I'll do like 9.30. I don't sleep that late, to be

honest with you. Even with spots and touring, does your sleep go into bed at night? Is it pretty steady to a degree? I will say that going to bed varies depending on how late I'm playing Fortnite. Or I have spots. But I never have issues sleeping.

I fall asleep, that. And I've never had problems with it, and I always get a good night's sleep. Yeah, I always do well with sleep. Do you guys sleep well together? Do you guys have, like, compatible sleep modes? We do, but he talks in his sleep, and then when he talks, he giggles. So it's really jarring. It's like a dark room, and all of a sudden it's like,

no, no, I want the big one. I love that. And then it's in Spanish and now it's some sort of demonic presence next to me. I'd be throwing holy water

at that motherfucker. He still giggles. The giggling really throws, he has conversations with himself. It's odd. I did that once. I saw it laughing

in my sleep. Same girlfriend. She woke me up. She was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. Okay.

If you're at someone's house, will you go through their medicine cabinet? No. I won't. Okay. I'm not that curious. You won't peek? No. I don't know.

I don't know why. I don't have it. I feel so boring. No. I don't do. I barely have a rider. I don't go through people's medicines cabinet. No.

I mean, those two things don't make you boring. I guess so. One of them makes you a drug addict. That's true. That is true. I was looking for band-aids. And the other makes you a nice guy. Do you guys go through people's medicine cabinets?

Yeah, I do a little snooping. What? No, not really. Not really. But, I mean, I'm sure I have. Just Googling medications to see what you're dealing with it's never it's never medications maybe there was a point a time in my life for a few months where it might have been for medications just seeing what's there but usually it's just you know

curiosity what do you know what's going on what's going i would just ask them what's in your that's crazy yeah why not i would say what the hell the hell's wrong with you i guess so i keep any medicine i take i keep in a cabinet in my because my medicine cabinet's like it's yeah there's there's nothing in a new york medicine anything it just falls out all the time so everything i need to take like daily vitamins and stuff it's all in a cupboard in the kitchen i pull a thing out and take that okay yeah good to know if I'm ever at your house uh speaking of kitchen what kind do you have tupperware and is it plastic or glass I have no tupperware no I have shelves with all my uh plates and stuff on it so it's like easy to grab is that exposed like so is there doors on that or

no that's exposed purposely very nice and then yeah it is kind of classy but I had very classy I had someone else do it. I forget. Do we own or do you rent? I rent. You rent. Okay. But next year I'll probably buy.

My friend Nick's like, I wouldn't buy right now. Just keep renting. I'm like, all right. Would you buy? Are you going to buy in the city? Of course, yeah. Okay. I'm going to live here until I die.

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Stressful. That's the best answer, dude. And usually invites a very strange collection of people. But they are fun. But then, you know, the thing is, like, talk about portion control. Like, I don't know how much I've eaten because they keep bringing you. First of all, I shouldn't be. people but um they are fun but then you know the thing is like talk about portion control like i don't know how much i've eaten because they keep bringing you first of all i shouldn't be like when you go to the plate like the korean barbecue you cook your own sure i shouldn't be trusted and

secondly it's brutal i love it but it's my favorite food to be like to have someone like do this dance in front of you like the amount of the ag they don't want to do it so now i'm just watching some guy like pretending onions are a volcano, and who knows what's going on in his life. Whoa, he did the volcano again. I can't. Will you catch it if they flip it to you? It's just so stressful.

I can't do it. How do you feel about communal tables like that? I hate them. I want to gossip and talk with my friends. I don't want to meet strangers. I don't care. You know, I don't. Oh, it's your birthday.

That's amazing. Where are you from? I don't care. Will you start singing's amazing where are you from I don't care will you start will you start singing say you didn't know us but me and Toby are at a table

where am I what the hell is this you're working late one time you caught me out of the birthday dinner one time I was alright Kevin's there too

Jesus one time I was at a restaurant in LA and I was having dinner with Nicole Byer and some it was someone's birthday and they were singing like happy birthday. The staff sing like,

you know, to another table, to another table. And Nicole was like, that was a horrible rendition. Mateo, I will Venmo you $1,000 right now. If you go sing happy birthday to them.

I said, really? She goes, yeah. I said, send it right now. She sent it. I walked right up to the table.

I was like, I did a whole thing. And I sang to some famous football player. I had no idea it was a football player. He was so hot. And then afterwards. Have you guys ever heard of Tom Brady? Tom Brady, I would know.

Do you know who it ended up being or no? No, my friend Donnie knew because in the video, my friend took. Donnie! Shut up to Donnie. Donnie knew. I should call Donnie right now and be like, who's the football player I sang to? He would know. It was Emmitt Smith.

Joe Montana. It was Emmitt Smith. Joe Montana. It was Walter Payton. The ghost of Walter Payton. All right. So other than that, we're at a table. If the restaurant starts singing, will you chime in? I mean, I might clap. I don't know.

So you wouldn't sing in because you can sing. You wouldn't start going for it, would you? I guess it depends. That's not a no. I mean, well. Depends how many martinis he's got. You got the napkin over your head and you're doing Fiddler on the Roof? I'm very much like at karaoke, though.

I literally will go and pay the DJ $20 to skip the whole line to sing Whitney Houston houston and blow everyone out of the water and leave i will literally breaks out his own microphone follow that slob you were sitting there about to do fall out boy or something you pull out your own golden microphone i had papa roach up next i thought that's not cool dude you can't do that it is it feels feels amazing, especially when everyone's drunk. You would do that in a heartbeat if you could do it, dude. One high note, people lose their minds. Wow, man. That's something I do do.

A little party trick. All downhill from this ruin everybody's night. Yes. Let's hear your version of Eminem, you asshole. Everybody tries Eminem. Do you stay or do you dip out of the bar immediately? He's signing autographs. He's selling merch out you dip out of the bar immediately? I sign in autographs. He's selling merch out front. I get my standing O and I go home.

After a couple costume changes. Yeah, so. You peanut butter sandwiches and I'm out. That'd be pretty funny. You just going around to karaoke places in the city just crushing everybody. I used to do that in Chicago. That would make the news if you hit like 10 in one night. Did I say this in the last episode?

I used to do that in Chicago. I get wasted in Boys Town with my friends. It's like 2 o'clock in the morning, and I lived right by this karaoke bar called Trader Todd's, I think it was called. And I would go in, waste it, give them 40 bucks, and sing and leave. I was a star. There's somebody out there. You're going to meet your match. Someone's going to go up right behind you, and they kill it.

Are you going back? One time I did karaoke with Larry Owens, and I was like, I probably shouldn't sing again. Larry Owens is so goddamn talented. But my singing crew, my karaoke crew is like me, Larry Owens, Alex English, Omini Mani, and Marie Faustin, Sidney Washington. We go, we have a great time. Nice. That's funny, man. Sorry to go back to the shower.

Please. Do you have a traditional tub in your apartment? Not like a claw tub. No, not a claw tub, but like a regular tub. So you turn the water on in the front? You have to turn the sink on to get the water hot. So I have to wait. If I'm going to shower, I got to turn the sink on to get the water running,

to get the hot water going. Sounds like a dumb way to sink. Because it takes so long for the hot water to get up there. So I just try and get the water going just so by the time I turn on, I can get in the shower. I'm standing there and wait like an asshole. Cold water flat in the Lower East Side? Pretty much.

That's old school. Yeah. Okay. You got the hot water going. Yeah. You got the hot water going in the shower. Are you getting in the front where the faucet is? No, back.

You get in the back. And I slowly merge my way in. You enter the water. And the front would be way in. Yeah, you enter the water. The front would be so dramatic. Hey, we're all dogs today. It's crazy. It's just all over your face. It's just gotta be a mess.

No, I usually put a karaoke song on, and then I sing, and then I warm up my voice. I usually do like Hopelessly Devoted to You. That's a good warm-up song. Okay. From Grease, Olivia Newton-John, Mariah Careyy a lot of

mariah in the shower my neighbors hate me that's funny did you have a graduation party from high school uh just with my cousins okay sure everything's with my cousins is that in the backyard at the house uh either my inner my cousin's house so every cousin has a cousin their age and so when there's a graduation a baptism or a communion or a confirmation so every summer since i was zero till i was like 25, there was some kind of party. And I did all of mine with my cousin Kelly because she's the same age as me. So we had a graduation party. Ours was in my backyard that year.

We ordered lasagna from a place called Fellini's, which is great. They're a great Italian restaurant in Arlington Heights. That's what I was looking for. I like it. Fellini's lasagna. Fellini's lasagna on a hot summer day is nuts, dude. It's fucking June 18th. You're sweating it out.

No pool in sight. Eating lasagna. We don't have a pool either, so it was hot. Uh-huh. What are your thoughts, feelings, impressions on surprise parties? Do you like them? Do you hate them? I've never had a surprise party for me, and I really put it out there, and I've never had one.

You've won at one. Because I think it would be fun, but I've never ever had one. But I like surprise. I'm not like that SNL lady, like, it's a surprise. But they could be fun. It's fun for that moment, and then you want to go home. I'm not a big party person. Okay.

What do you do for your birthday? Small group of people for dinner? Maybe dinner with five friends or something. And you pick up that bill? No, they can't. Usually I do pick up the bill when I go out to dinner, but I let them take care of it. I assume most people that you're going out to dinner with now,

you're picking up the check, right? I usually pick up the check. Depends. Sure. Have you been to a TJ Maxx or Marshalls in the last 30 days? No, but I did go. I've been doing this series where I just go to places I worked and other stores.

So I went to Michael's, the Container Store. I went to Target the other week. But TJ Maxx, that's all clothes, like Marshalls and stuff. I guess TJ Maxx you can find house stuff. They have some house stuff, but yeah. They have good snacks, too, in the back. They're all snacks, too, in the back. At T.J. Maxx, they do? They're all old, dude.

You know it's bad because there's only one bag of popcorn or something. You're like, this came by itself. This ain't good. But it's like David and Anthony or whoever that company is. They do the chocolate-covered popcorn. It's awesome. I love caramel popcorn. I mean, really.

It's so good. Were you a tri-colored family? The Big Tin? We had carrots in Chicago, and they made just the cheddar, and then they had the caramel together. In the same box, in the same thing? Yeah, together. But I would always dig out the caramel.

Wait, they were mixed in together? Mm-hmm. Oh, that's disgusting. That's awesome. What? It's great. Yeah. Especially carrots.

I think that's a Chicago thing. I'm almost positive now. Cheese, popcorn, and caramel? Yeah, carrots. I think it's called carrots. You put a divider. What, popcorn, and caramel? Yeah, Garrett's. I think it's called Garrett's. You put a divider. What are we doing here? You can get them separate. Every time you walk by it, it smells like caramel. I don't know. That looks alright, man. The gourmet mix.

Yeah, that's what I had. That's all that's got me dead to rights, daddy-o. You'd be shocked. It's really good. Yeah, it looks great. Damn. Okay. Alright. Now what I'm doing when we get to chicago oh yeah you guys are going soon you should go to a carrots it's downtown yeah we get a tell us about that you got me over portillo's like an ace oh we're trying to keep you alive have you

been to portillo's yet of course yeah okay what do you get you gotta get i get italian beef half dipped like a light dip right and? And then I get no onion. I don't even remember. Yeah. Or peppers. Something along those lines. Yeah. I feel like I didn't I get a hot dog there or a sausage?

We did cheese fries, Chicago dogs, beefs all the way, baptized, dunked it. The cheese fries are really good. Me and Lisa Traeger are both from Chicago. And last time I was there, I took a picture of Portillo's and she goes please tell me you got cheese fries and I just like scrolled to the right and there was the cheese

it is fucking good it's the best cheese sauce it's not even sauce it's just yellow it's just you're eating fries with yellow the last time we were there Professor Pizza

brought some excuse me you know Professor Pizza I do not know Professor Pizza is he Italian yeah really yeah so he's like

he's a huge comedy fan, and he does everybody. He'll be like, what kind of pizzas do you want? In Chicago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just did the Chicago Theater, and I got no such call from Professor Pizza. Professor, hit him up. Professore. I mean, it was-

Makes a mean pie. He made us five different pizzas. What kind? What kind? All whatever. Everything. Really? Yeah.

He does a whipped ricotta in one of those bags that you would ice a cake with. Is he a white lady? He might be. I didn't assume he's a white woman. He loves whipped ricotta. Unbelievable. Nothing makes a white woman wetter on a Sunday morning with her friends. Well, call me Mrs. Ryan, baby.

Because I'm slipping out of my chair over here. We just got a couple of bucks on us, baby. We're all about whipped ricotta You got ricotta? Whip it up Bring it to me I don't understand Whipped ricotta

Ricotta's already kind of whipped What? You have refined palates You're a Yeah, you've been eating that I just found out about it A couple of weeks ago Whipped ricotta on toast

With a little bit of honey Oh my god You guys are so We're trash Ridiculous Dude, yeah I i mean it's good of course it's good the best thing i'm glad that ricotta's having a comeback yeah what else are you over if you're over with ricotta what are you what are you over what are you like cacio e pepe or something that's you gotta do isn't it cacio e pepe ketchup and no cacio what are you talking about the little

pasta yeah no the pasta dish cacio cacio i'm the roman Ketchup and... No, cacio. What are you talking about? The little pasta? Yeah, no, the pasta dish. Cacio. Cacio. The Roman way... I'm so sorry. The Roman way of saying cheese. I have to make up. Last time I did not realize

I was such trash. I'm complete garbage last time when I was like, but your family shares the same van. You're putting on a show this time, baby. I know. I had to come back with some class. I really had some...

I really put me in a state of analysis. You know what? You forgot who you were, to be honest with you. I did. You're getting a little fucking hoity-toity over here. New set of plugs in your trash and whip ricotta. Jesus Christ. And you're from Chicago.

You look like Anna Wintour over here. I saw her at the airport. She looked amazing. That was a great spotting is to see Anna Wintour, to see her there. She rocking the shades? Of course. And she had a big neon yellow jacket. She looked amazing.

That's funny. Amazing. But in that same vein, like, are you over, like, do you do truffle fries? No, I don't like truffle fries. Okay. Is that because you don't like the fact that it's not real truffle, it's truffle oil, or you just don't like the smell and the taste? It's just too much.

I think with French fries, they really need to mind their own business we don't have to add that much more i'm not a fan of truffle fries always gives me heartburn and i think that smells i think bananas should mind their own business and so i really do bananas you cannot be in a sundae you can't be in a salad fruit you can't be a smoothie and bread and a muffin. You got to limit yourself. What about caramelized bananas or like bananas foster? No, I don't like banana anything. I like bananas. I don't like bananas and anything else besides like a smoothie.

You have bananas in the house now? No. Okay. Grapes. Grapes have been the new thing in our house. We get a lot of grapes. I stumbled across cotton candy grapes not that long ago. What is a cotton candy grape?

No, they're like genetically modified grapes or something. We're all going to hell. Is this Wonka? What are you talking about? They're unbelievable. Google cotton candy grapes. They're fantastic. Are we Wonka?

Yeah, who's doing this? I'm in the sea in a world. I'm going to get some Skittle asparagus too while you're at it, T-Bone. You're Morton Williams singing Willy Wonka. Do you have it? I do, yeah. Cotton candy grapes. I believed you.

Yeah, it's a sweet white table grape. The grapes were developed by horticulturist David Cain and his team at Bakersfield and have a cotton candy-like flavor. I just don't think that a fruit should say it was created by. To me, that doesn't sound appetizing at all. This is the new Drake. Just let's conceal the fact that everything's made in a lab. I just want some grapes. And if all the flavors were going with cotton candy.

That's grown at Boeing Farms or something like that. Oh, the indignity. How do you feel about burrata? I feel like that's on every menu. I love burrata. I love mozzarella. I love it all. Love it.

Love it. Love, love, love. How do you get your steak cooked? Medium well. Medium love burrata. I love mozzarella. I love it all. Okay. Love it. Love it. Love, love, love, love. How do you get your steak cooked? Medium well. Medium what? I know. I don't like blood. Who do you think you are?

I don't like blood. I don't want to see it bleeding in front of me. That's crazy. Medium well. I know. My Aunt Cindy could literally just have it touching the pan, and then she could eat it. I'm more like my nonna. She's like, I don't want it mooing at me.

She's like, make it a brick. But I like my medium well. So the little pink in the middle. I'm more like my nonna. She's like, I don't want it mooing at me. She's like, make it a brick. But I like my medium well, so the little pink in the middle. I can't, but I'm not a big steak guy, to be honest with you. But it's just too, you know what it is, it's too close to, I need a few steps removed from actual nature. To me it just feels too close. I'm not a cheetah.

It just feels too National Geographic. That's crazy to me. Medium well. For you. I thought, yeah. That's a wild answer from you, I feel. As a big foodie, you are, you know? What about like beef carpaccio?

Do you like any? Raw. No. I know. In Italy, when they're like, you know, they try and give you a carpaccio. I'm like, get it away from me. Like, it's just raw. No, I can't.

I think it's awful. I think it's disgusting. I don't like it at all. from me. Like, it's just raw. No, I can't. I think it's awful. I think it's disgusting. I don't like it at all. All right. An uncooked hamburger. No, man. You may be blowing it here in the fourth quarter. I know, man.

Talk about fumbling at the one yard line. You can't hide. I like it well done and butterflied with ketchup. I don't care how much you sing and how much you dance, how much you roll that tongue. You are trash. How do you feel about Nutella? I love. I have to keep it out of the house.

I will eat a jar in a day. What are you putting on it? I'll mix it with peanut butter. I'll put it on toast. I'll just spoon it. Okay. Like a fucking pig. I'll fucking spoon it, and no one will stop me.

It's so good. I love Nutella. When did that come into your life do you remember when i was 15 i was in italy and uh my friend giovanni showed me nutella and i had never because i don't think it was that popular yet in the states yeah so i had it and i was like what is this that's a that's a that's become a big determination of an indicator of class how you grew up when the first time nutella came in your life because here the only time anybody ever had it was you had you had to have rich parents you had it had to be a classy home yeah I didn't have it in the states at all until literally went to Italy but

there it's like peanut butter yeah yeah that's their peanut butter and they're unfamiliar with peanut butter they don't even understand what it's supposed to be funny they think we are the fattest people that we eat peanut butter it's's crazy. What a great way to have Nutella for the first time in Italy. Talk about direct from the source. That's what I'm talking about, dude. On tap. Like it's caviar. It's just sugar.

It's crazy. Huh. Huh. I mean, I thought you had us fucking. I thought you came in and did the complete 180. But you're falling apart here at the end. I know. I'm trash again.

We'll always get it. What's the towel rotation? How many times will you use a towel? How apart here at the end trash again we'll always get it what's the towel rotation how many times we use a towel how many are at the house right we we sort of rotate through two every couple days and then you you switch it out we have a bunch of towels we're always doing laundries so if it you know we keep it pretty clean are all the towels matching are they all white they're all white and there's one purple one and i hate it i'm gonna throw it out what's the beach towel situation over there? Do you own any beach towels? I don't go to the beach. Okay.

You're not a beach guy? I mean, where's there a beach in New York? I mean, I have a couple of beach towels in the house. Yeah. I use them as regular towels. I don't. Obviously. I don't know.

I'm a beach bot. I guess if I was a regular beach goer, I would buy one of those big beach blankets. Okay. But that and a Speedo goer, I would buy one of those big beach blankets. Okay. But that and a Speedo. I've seen the pictures. Yeah, I've seen you at the beach. I thought you were a big beach guy. He's in a fucking pool couch.

He ain't at fucking Rockaway. I went to Rockaway. Well, me and Ethan Simms Patterson went to Long Beach. What's it called? Long Branch or Long Beach? There's a couple of them. One of them that's somewhere out there. Long Beach? There's a couple of them. One of them that's like somewhere out there. Long Beach.

It was fine, but there's a lot of Long Island Italians out there looking at me in my Speedo like, the fuck is that? Oh, man, you were rocking a Speedo out there? Oh, I always rock a Speedo. I don't give a shit. Actually, the other night I was doing a show the other night, and I was trying to do a bit about how they say gay in Italian, which is just gay. And before

I finish my sentence, a drunk woman in the front row, she screams, fuck. And I literally go, I'm like, you just called me a f***. And then she didn't her husband to make up for it goes, no, no, we're watching The Sopranos right now. I'm like, The Sopranos is not Duolingo.

In what world would a mob family say gay lovingly to each other? Clearly they're saying... Jesus. I was so shocked by it. No, it's where we learn our derogatory terms. HBO, it's what we know. From a mob family. That's crazy.

What's a cologne situation? I don't wear cologne nothing not all natural what's a deodorant deodorant is like a dove yeah and does it go on i always wear the same stuff does it go on before or after the shirt before okay oh yeah yeah otherwise you get like it's it'd be too i don't know you'll stretch the shirt out you get the the white on the especially for bigger gentlemen of our proportion. They can get jammed up. What about the Sox? When are the Sox going?

Sox first, and then I thought you meant the White Sox for a second. The Sox... The Sox are on WGN. They'll, you know... What time do the Sox go? Who are they playing? They got a good squad this year. That's what you're super talking about. It's the Crosstown Classic.

Yeah, I could do... I would... So you get out, right? It goes underwear, pants, and then socks, or socks and then pants? Usually underwear, and then socks, and then pants, then shirt. Nice. Is that the way? How else would...

I do pants first. And then the socks? The socks go on... And then the underwear. It's European. Big Gooper walking around. Your tighty-whities over here. My quail man over here.

God damn it, I did it again. Are you guys tighty-whities or boxers? Boxer briefs. Boxer briefs. But eventually they get so loose, they just become boxers again. Yeah, and I re-up. I'm tighty blacks. Minor blacks.

Our good fellas from Target. They fit perfectly. Oh, great. I wear Hanes, just white. Love them. I've always wanted to have a body where I could wear white underwear like that and it looked good. It's just bad. You ain't got it, baby.

No. Looks like someone broke in and caught me. You know what I mean? You need those old boxers that have the clips that go to the socks. It's bad, dude. It's real bad. Like Mad Men? They're stained. It's bad, dude. It's real bad. Like Mad Men? They're stained and stuff.

Yeah, dude, that's what you need. Like you should always be fumbling with a coffee filter? Yeah. I'm always surprised. Get out of here. I mean, what are you thinking here, Kip? I'm fucking trash. Is this a redemption story?

Yeah, I thought it was a redemption. I thought it was going to come in. And, like, you know, we leaned very, hey, he's trash. I mean, what are we talking about here? He's got some very classy elements about him. I know if I sang opera right now, I would turn it around. But I just don't. That's what you're looking for.

He hands Toby 40. He's like, let it ride. Oh, my God. If I was wasted, Whitney Houston. Slides a cassette across the table. Track two. Keep the volume up. Coming heavy.

A cassette. Like it's my demo in the 80s. Ladies and gentlemen, he's on tour right now. He has a brand new podcast, I Never Liked You, and he also has his advice special out on his YouTube page. He is one of the biggest touring comedians out there right now. I love him, baby. So do yourself a favor.

Go and see him. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Matteo. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? Any dates, socials, website, whatever. When does this come out? Next week. Oh, Omaha, Mr. Mateo Lane. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. Anything else you want the folks to know? Any dates, socials, website, whatever. When does this come out? Next week.

Oh, Omaha, Nebraska. I'll be there February 22nd. There you go. Come on out. Austin. I'm doing Austin the 16th, so there's some tickets left. Check him out. Hell of a showman he is.

Yes, 100%. One of the most talented guys in the entertainment biz, Mr. Mateo Lane. Kippy, what do you got for us? Guys, we just announced our 2024 tour. The link's in the description. All tickets are on our website, areyougar biz. Mr. Mateo Lane. Kippy, what do you got for us? Guys, we just announced our 2024 tour. The link's in the description. All tickets are on our website, areyougarbage.com. Tickets are moving quick,

and shows are selling out, so get them while you can, baby. We love you. Thanks for the support. Love you, gang, and we'll see you next week. Peace.