Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Michael Blaustein: Maryland Kid

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with old pal Michael Blaustein. Its a hot one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Manscaped.com PROMO CODE: GARBAGE https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE https://www.Allform.com/GARBAGE Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Sure is. So a little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Or just a big old piece of trash.

I'm your host H. Foley. You sure? Coming at you. On a strokey day, we're down here in Antutti's basement. She's outside raking leaves. Oh yeah, it's fall. Court appointed. But still.

She's at the neighbors. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's international businessman, cooks the books, keeps the feds off our back and the rain off our heads. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. Hey gang, happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in.

As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube and as you know those numbers are true to real cooking. And then what was that? Fuck we fucking... Ooh ooh ooh. What? Hold on. Let me... No.

Come back. I saw you garbage. Greatest website of all time. Shout out. Sign up. Get your bonus content. We're closing in on 20,000. No big deal.

Couple of bucks. Get me to France, baby. Let's go. I'm flying yam airlines over there. Let's do it. And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the Magic Man. Makes us all look good. Fantastic stand-up comedian.

Proud of the Chicago comedy scene. Cut some tight videos down there in Houston that everybody loves. Give it up for Tebow McMuffin. Toby McMullen. What up, dudes? What up, Tebow? Nothing. Got a lot of DMs.

I didn't know you could do that. It's like where you been? What are you watching? Come on. What the videos? Sexual? What are you talking about? Not on the air.

That's for Patreon. Gang, we could not be more excited to have an incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. We got history. Old pal. Old pal from the fucking, from the village scene back in the day. All of us climbing our way out of there, baby. He's doing big things.

He's a very funny stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor, and he is the co-host of the amazing stiff socks podcast with our good pal, Mr. Trevor Wallace. The big question of everybody's mind today, is he garbage? He's a good-looking kid, but I can see it in his eyes. I feel like a guidance counselor. You're no good, I can tell. Give it up for Michael Bloustine, everybody. Man, I'm fucking happy to be here, man.

I just thought it was Bloustine, been friends with you for literally about 10 years. You just corrected us today. I don't correct anybody. That's good. I like that. You know those people that, like, the Starbucks people are like, uh, Samantha, and the woman comes, actually, Samantha, fuck you, will you send shit back in a restaurant or just leave it be?

It's got to be really fucked up. It's a kid right there. I like that. Because I was a server for so long. So it's got to be like, if I ordered, like, a chicken, if I ordered, like, steak and it came chicken. That's when I'm like, eh, I didn't order this. But it's got to be, you know what I mean?

It's got to be horrendous. It's got to be horrendous. Sure. I've only done it once or twice, man. I feel like comics, because we've had to work so many shitty jobs, a lot, bars, restaurants, that no comic has really the confidence or the ability to send something back, you know? Yeah, because I just know the whole rigmarole that goes through the kitchen and the waiter and all the shit they've got to deal with behind the scenes, the chef's yelling, you

put it in wrong, no, I didn't fuck. All that shit. At this point, I'll, I'll have the rigatoni. I'll have the duck, but I'll take it. I'll take it. That's not bad. Then you're trying something new. I like it too.

Yeah. Those kitchen politics or anybody who worked in a restaurant, it is stiff negotiation. Does this guy like you? Does that guy like you? Sometimes the fucking grill guy just hates your guts for whatever. And then all of a sudden he forgets to make your shit and then you look like an asshole. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Very nice. What is the origin story? Where did you grow up? Give us the full details. I grew up in Silver Spring, Maryland. What? I thought you were Jersey.

No. My hair says Jersey. Yeah. Silver Springs is the Simpsons. Yeah. My dick says Jewish. Small dick joke off top, guys. Hey, you'll fit in.

You'll fit in great here. Hey. Everyone circumcised? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We're not fucking mute.

I'm that little monster. Man. Yeah. I got that extended director's cut. That's crazy. Curtin matches the drapes, buddy. Toby on Blu-ray. I like it.

I don't even like to think about it. I do. I do. This guy's hot. I don't think about it. I don't like it. Silver Springs. Yeah.

What kind of town are we talking? Near Baltimore? Where are we at? It's about 35 minutes outside of Baltimore, about 15 minutes outside of D.C. I feel like everybody says that whenever they're from Maryland. 35 minutes outside Baltimore. Yeah. I mean, I literally just tell people in D.C.

Because it's the follow-up. It's like when people ask what you do and you don't want to say comic because it's a million other questions. Sure. I just come up with your bits. That kind of shit. I hate it. Obviously, we all hate it.

But yeah, I just say D.C. normally. Plus Baltimore. Yeah. We love you. Yeah. Come on. Between Baltimore and D.C., I'm going with the politics. Oh, yeah.

We're going to lobby and start. A lot of money. A little bit of cash. Cookers. Georgetown. We love them. Who doesn't like a nice hooker? You know?

Silver Springs Hooker. Those are wild. I've never had one. Those are fucking baseline pricing there. I'll be there in 35 minutes. Liquidation to pussy. Nice town. Yeah.

Suburban lifestyle. Suburban lifestyle. Had a cul-de-sac. Ooh. I was also a cul-de-sac kid. What a bury night. Now, would you say you had a cul-de-sac? Your house was in the cul-de-sac?

Or there was a cul-de-sac in your neighbor's? There was a cul-de-sac at the end of my street. That wasn't a cul-de-sac. Gotta take that fist pump back. Yeah. Oh, you were on the cul-de-sac. This guy. The basketball on that out there and everything.

I was in the loop, baby. I was actually jealous of people in the loop. Oh, of course. Because it was beautiful there. Because there was a basketball court. They had a basketball court right there and no cars were going to run. And those three or four houses were always more unified than the rest of the neighborhood. We were a tight-knit group.

I was a tight-knit group because they knew they had it really good. Yeah. They would get together on Friday nights and laugh at you in regular street bozos. That's what you would do. No shit. Were you friends with the kids in the cul-de-sac, though? They'd leave you down there to shoot hoops every once in a while. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing. They trauma like a cat. You get one day a year. You're a second-class citizen. If you're on the avenue, it's not a good look. The rest of the neighborhood gets one day a year to use the basketball courts and have a little cookout for you. Dude, I worked at a country club and they didn't let women on the country club one day a year.

Really? I'm sorry, two days a year. Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving. That was it. That's the life. Just to make dinner, then they kicked them off. Oh, for real? That's nuts.

Was that in D.C.? It's called a Burning Tree Country Club. Old school, a little bit of cash. Oh, yeah. That doesn't sound too new school. Burning Tree. Not the most progressive bunch of boys. So, Silver Springs sounds nice.

A little upper middle class. I wouldn't say upper. I would say middle. I would say middle class. Did your parents belong to that country club? No, no, no. That country club was for Allen Greensboro, whatever the fuck his name is. I don't even know.

I don't even think that's a Greenspan thing. That's the guy in North Carolina. Allen Greensboro is a race car driver. Sponsored by Winston. Number 28, NASCAR, let's see it. All right. Yeah. Brothers sisters.

So, I have one older sister, one younger brother. How old? What's the age difference? So, it's my younger brother is technically my half-brother. Okay. Yeah, my mom got had two. He's getting messy. Two marriage.

I got half-brothers. The technically is what drops you in the trash, too. Yeah, yeah. Because there is no technically he is. Why? But you know the difference, right? Because I think if you, I think if you, because he was, I like was born, like raised with his dudes.

In my head, I'm like, that's my brother. All right, okay. You know what I mean? Are you guys still close? Super close. I mean, I call him my brother. That's why I say technically. But yeah, I mean, he's like my fucking, my brother.

You and your sister, same mom, same dad. Same mom, same dad. How old are you? How much older is you? My sister, two years older than me. Nice. And my brother's 10 years younger than me. So, like, that's exactly what I have.

Really? You're a child of divorce. Your parents got divorced. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Divorced. When I was six months. Holy shit. To me, it's funny.

Man. Whoa, six might even stick around to meet you. That's what I'm saying. It's funny, like, look at someone that has a... I don't like to look at this kid. It's funny, just in my head to, like, look at a six-month-old kid and be like, I'm going to bounce. Just don't do it for me.

They said I was going to love him no matter what, but I don't think so. Did your dad stay around? Like, was he in the area? So, my dad stayed in the area for, like, maybe three, four years. Okay. In Virginia. And then he moved to Texas. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you close with him? I'm close with him now. Right. Would you go to Texas and stuff to see him? No. He would come, like... He would come, like, periodically.

Did he start a new family? No, he did not. Never did. He did not. Dude, he got engaged, like, I'm not shitting you, like, four times. Oh, man, this guy's got issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted to be free. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking motorcycle tearing out out of the cul-de-sac. Oh, yeah. He just stood there with the basketball bounce. Yeah, we did that. Six months old.

Yikes. He left it for your first step, so you couldn't follow him. Yeah. Damn it. I got to get out of here before this tale starts. I got to fucking shake this kid. He's going to be all over me. So how quick did your mom get remarried?

Uh, I was 10. You were 10? I was 10. So for a while, it was just you, your sister, and your mom. And me and my sister, my mom. And what did your mom do? She's a nurse. Ooh.

A hospice nurse. Okay. So carrying all that baggage. But she does well. She was able to support you guys. I mean, in the beginning, it was tough. It was dice. Yeah.

I don't know what you heard about hospice nurses because she does well. I thought nurses do well. Yeah. But that's a one-income family. His dad walked out of him in six months. I'm trying to help the kid out. Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

Never have you worked at the Santa Claus shop. Yeah. Well, he's like, no. He's like, money was tight. That's what I'm getting at. Yeah. Money was a bit tight for a few years. She figured it out.

Where did you guys live during this time? Were you in an apartment or a house? A house. Okay. So the cul-de-sac house, that was my technically second house. When I was like one to 10, I lived in just a, again, very similar neighborhood. Different house on like a busy street. Yeah.

And she was, the fucking money was tight. We'd like split. But she was able to afford a house is what I'm saying. That's pretty good. Yeah. I mean, you know, I think my dad and my mom bought it together and my dad bounced. And so he left and didn't like take it off. Yeah.

Yeah. This is getting fucking sad. I love it. Oh, okay. All right. The first six minutes, your dad fled to Texas. We're in. This is the show.

The worst flight has not changed. You tried to pepper us with the cul-de-sac. Oh, okay. All right. So you're 10 years old. Your mom starts there. You're nine, eight years old. Yeah.

Your mom starts dating this new guy. Yeah. He starts coming around. Yeah. He starts coming in too. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

She got prego fastest. And how were you about that when he started showing up? Didn't even know. I was so preoccupied. I was like, I'm an athlete. I was so preoccupied with like getting good at sports. Okay. That another person, I didn't, and he was one of those dudes that like wasn't, like his

energy wasn't like dominating the room. He was just one of those dudes that like a Prius. This motherfucker would just be there, but you couldn't hear him. Man. You know what I mean? That's a perfect way to describe somebody. He's just got Prius vibes, dude. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, he was there, but you know, what about your? Nice. Doesn't take up a lot of space. Yeah. Yeah. And are they still together now? They're not. Okay.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. This is a fucking Jerry Springer. I like it. Yeah. So, yeah. So my brother was born literally like. Well, they married at this time.

They were married, but it was more like, oh, you're pregnant. Let's do this. I do. Really? Type of thing. Yeah. She was pregnant on like walking down the aisle. Damn.

And I was, I didn't. Did you go to the wedding? Yeah. Were you in the wedding? Here's the funny thing. Don't remember. Yeah. For sure.

Being in a parent's wedding. Buddy. I was. It's a tough luck. Tough luck. How, how old were you when you, about the same? They got, they had the, they had my younger brother when I was 10. I'm 10 years older than him.

And they probably got married like two years later. So. In Vegas. Yeah. His was in Vegas. Oh, that is true. Where you're wedding. You know, in Vegas.

At the Bellagia though. A little bit of cash. Oh. A little bit of cash. It wasn't like a drive-thru. A 10 year old. A 10 year old on a flight to Las Vegas. Is not good.

It was direct, I might add. There was no layovers. You were in the wedding. I was in the wedding. I don't remember what, I don't think I was like a ring bearer. I don't know what the fuck I was. Yeah. DJ.

Yeah. I'll give it up for Mikey on the ones and twos. You're over there working the prime rib station. That's how my stand-up career started. Okay. I was your sister in all this. She's a little bit older. She was probably more aware of what was popping off.

I was just being like, oh, I'm wearing a tuxedo. I'm cool. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Yeah. I think she was definitely more affected about the whole situation. Okay. But again, I don't remember like me being. It wasn't really affected.

Yeah, that's good. I was the same way. Yeah. I don't remember like me looking at the guy. I'm like, yeah, you're not my dad. I just don't remember any of that. I just remember like, okay, I was like go with the flow guy. I was like, yeah, six to six.

Where's my Sega Genesis? Exactly. Did you see your father periodically from the six months to the 10-year-old? Yeah. He would pop in every once in a while. Yeah. Okay. What would you guys do when he would pop in?

Would he take you to like? Yeah. We'd go to Foot Locker. Yeah. He'd give me some shoes. We'd go to the fucking AMC. Yeah. We'd watch a movie.

Maybe Casino. Who knows? That was the only movie he took me out of. I remember that. Really? Yeah. I mean, you guys know, it was a file. He took you to Casino.

Oh, yeah. That's the type of guy we're talking about. So he just... This guy's awesome, dude. This guy's fucking great, dude. Who takes their seven-year-old to Casino? That's a way. That's a wayward dad boo right there.

That came after Goodfellas, right? So he had to know what he was enjoying. He just wanted to see that. Yeah. That's all that was. Yeah, but that's the type of dude. That's awesome. He was like, I want to see it.

I got kids. I want to let... I guess I'll bring them. But that's the only movie. That's great. The only movie he ever took me out. I remember that. There was scenes.

She's like, I can't fucking... Yeah, this is... Yeah, maybe when Sharon Stone was sucking Joe Pesci's dick. That might have been it. God, she was so hot in that movie. It was pretty cool. Holy shit. Yeah.

Goddamn. But yeah, that was the sort of like the... It's just every other weekend, it was just that. It was like Foot Locker, something. And a movie. And we'd stay at a Marriott. That's pretty good. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Marriott's all right. He would come into town and stay at a Marriott and you would go stay at the hotel with him. Yeah, yeah. In Silver Springs? Um, yeah. I like that, though.

No, I think that's okay. Yeah, yeah. You're spending time with your dad. You know? Yeah, yeah. Guess. That's all right. But it wasn't.

I'm sure it was like a Marriott conference center. It was... My dad had his money. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we didn't know this. I'm picture like a guy in a mullet and a vest or something. No, no, no, no, no, no.

He's a... So he was always responsible financially with you guys? Um, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, should we talk about here? I mean... What line of work are we looking at?

He worked in technology. So he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. Really? Especially in the 90s, they did all right. That's what I'm saying. Really? Do you guys remember Nextel?

Yeah. What am I? Jerk off. I don't know. So many people don't remember the chirp, chirp, chirp, shorty chirp. That was your dad? What was my dad? Your dad was John Nextel?

Holy shit. Does he do stay at a Marriott? No. He was a vice president of Nextel and then he moved on to... Wow. Holy shit. So we are talking a little bit of cash. A little bit of cash.

I mean, I would say in the grand scheme of cash, a little bit of cash. We're not talking about like Bentley in a driveway. Sure, yeah. You know, we're talking about... It's... Okay. Pulls us down well. Pull up in Alexis.

Yada, yada, yada. You're handing them up on Nextel. Where you at? Yeah. He never gets back to you. Ever. Not a minute, kids. The one called the Nextel can't make.

It's fine. It'll be love. Now, that's awesome, though. Yeah. So you see him spread. You see him throughout. Then when your mom got remarried, you just still see him? Did he still...

Yeah. You guys had your same routine? Yeah. Same fucking routine. Same... I think what happened was is when things started getting... The routine stopped after I got a license. Yeah.

And then things started getting like... He's like, hey, I'm gonna be in town. I'm like, well, sick. I'm gonna be at a party. I don't want to like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to choose. I've already seen Casino.

I don't... Yeah, what are we doing here? What are we doing here? Yeah. You want to TGI Fridays? Yeah. Yeah, that totally makes sense. That makes sense, yeah.

Hey, you weren't there when I was, you know... When I was a kid? Well, it's also you just become... It's like not a priority anymore. You're like, yeah, dude, we just, you know... I know what we do when we get together. Yeah. And it's fun, but it's like...

But like I'd rather get blackout drunk and try to go, yeah. Yeah. You know, hook up with a couple of... Try to score with some chips. Yeah, I'm trying to finger girls with Chris Gillis. That's a real name. That is a real name. Try to finger prop ball and broads with the boys.

Yeah. What was the sport situation? What did you play? Mostly basketball. But it was mostly basketball. Baseball and basketball. Serious about basketball. Fuck.

High school basketball, Silver Springs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Name of the high school. Good Council High School. Our Lady of Good Council. Oh. W-C-A-C conference with the math and Gonzaga. Your boy was a hooper, dude.

Is that a Catholic school? It is. Are you Catholic? Uh, yes. Your dad's last name. My dad is Jewish. My mom is Catholic. I went to a Catholic school my whole life.

Nice. Um, but honestly, culturally, I feel... I feel... Like, inside, I feel Jewish. I always assumed you were by the name and your demeanor. You fucking crooked nose. I did not say that. I did.

That's terrible. I'm married to a Jewish woman, by the way. Hey! Um... Don't cancel me. So, you're focused on basketball, Catholic school. Were you christened and confirmed? So, I was christened later in life because I was born Jewish.

So, what age? Oh, God. I think I was christened when I was like... I remember... Oh, that's not good. I know. Was it in a river? Was it in a pool?

No, no. It was in... It was in a babbling brook. No, it was in like a birdbath. What the fuck is that? In the church. In the church, you know, or a thing. Hot top.

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Do it. Okay. Yeah, but I started Jewish. I got the brisks, the old snipsnips. Sure. On the oil. When you were born, you had the brisks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I was going to be a Jew. They were still six months old. You know what you got ripped off on? You got ripped off on the bar mitzvah. No bar mitzvah. Pist. Tough look. Pist.

Did you do communion? I did. What's that cash like? It's average. It stinks. My ex-girlfriends were fucking cleaning it up. Rats. Out.

30, 40, 50, 60 G's. Yeah. Going to Hidi when they're fucking 14, dude. Yeah. What was it? They're Bubby and they're Zeta would give them all. That was the grandmother and grandfather. It would just be like, oh yeah, my Zeta gave me 20 grand.

I'm like, what? Yeah, I got 200 bucks and a fucking VFW meatball fucking platter. Fucking bullshit. I can't put a price on love, though. You want to be with the tribe. Okay. Yeah. Sister go to Catholic school too?

Sister went to the same high school. Same. Private school, private school, big sports family. We're all just fucking hooping every goddamn day. How long did your mom stay with husband number two? About a year. What? About a year.

It's like a revolving door down there in Silver Springs. You're talking about my mom. Hold on. Your mom gets pregnant. She meets this guy. They get married. You move into the cul-de-sac house. Your brother is born.

Yeah. Where does that guy go? That guy goes to Texas too. No. I'm joking. I'm joking. I started working for Sprint this guy. This guy, my mom works for Orbitz.

Okay. It's got them cell phones ruined my family. Yeah. I refused to have an iPhone. What the fuck was I saying? That Texas guy was great. Where did he go? Oh, he just, yeah, they just, they got, they were separated for a little bit.

He just, he went back to his old house. It was, it was a kind of a weird smorgasbord of a smorgasbord of a fucking life. Yeah. Because literally he, the stepdad came with three kids. Wow. What? And, and they were all older. So like, I had this weird.

How much older? Like. Significantly. Significantly. Like, like five, six years. Living in the house though? Yeah. So when you got this cul-de-sac house.

Yeah. Those three dudes. A bunch of motherfuckers living there. Three dudes in the house just like moved in. It was so weird because for like, for that. Notice how he said dudes and not kids. Oh yeah. That's a tough one.

It was straight up dudes. In your house. If he's 10 and they're 16, they might as well be 38. That's what I'm saying. Dude, I remember this, this dude, his name was Rob. I don't know, I didn't need to say his name, but fuck it. He, he, I would literally, you know when you're young and you think things are cool, and then retrospectively, this is not cool at all.

Yeah. Most of my life. Yeah. This dude. Had a bowl cut for a long time. He used to wear lead pipes. What do you want from me, Bloustine? This, this dude had Reese's peanut butter cups.

I've always listened. Yeah. This guy sounds pretty cool if you ask me. And sour cream onion pringles. And for some reason, I thought that was so cool. I would go down there every single day and steal. Like what, but he had like a lot, like one of those like big packets of Reese's. And now every day I would just go steal one and like five to six pringles.

I remember counting because I'm like, oh, he's not going to know five pringles. Yeah. He's one of your step brothers. Yeah. Yeah. Geez. He, where would he keep them in the down, like in the pantry or in his room? No, in his room.

In his room. Yeah. And he was the first person to introduce me to rap. I didn't know anything about rap. I was like, oh, Elvis is personally sick. And then he came along and introduced me to rap. Really kind of chasing Elvis Presley? My mom.

My mom loved Elvis. That's wild though. My mom loved Elvis. Okay. And literally Elvis and the Beatles. That's all I listened to as a kid. I didn't, I didn't know anything. And then he came in and he was like, hey man, how about Tupac?

And I was like, huh? And then he just, and then I just really fucking changed my life. Damn. Yeah. Talking about taking a step there. From jailhouse rock to fucking dupac. I know. Let's go.

Taking it up a notch. There wasn't a situation in the house though where, because I could see. Yeah. And I would feel bad with all these different people moving in. You're not that close to them. There wasn't like, this is his food. This is their food. This is your food.

There wasn't shit like that. No, there wasn't, there wasn't shit like that. There was no like political beef in the house. Yeah. And I think, and also like the families only together for like, I mean. A year. So those kids left with the dad. So.

Weird if they hung around. Just kidding. Later pops. I'm hanging here. I don't know. I got the cul-de-sac. They might want to trade up. So one of them, all three of them moved in.

Two of them moved out like within like a couple months of, and then they moved in with their mom. So then the oldest one stayed in the basement. So it was me, my sister, the newborn and the oldest. And then my new dad and my mom. What was the oldest? How old was the oldest? He was probably 15, 16.

But in my head, when you're that young, oh, he's 48. You've got some dude living in the basement. Like, he has a beer. Yeah. Might as well be like an uncle or something. Yeah. Oh man, that's trash. Where was grandma, grandpa, anybody like that?

Your mom's mom and dad? So my mom's, my mom's mom and dad did at that point. Okay. And then my grandfather dead on my dad's side. The only one that was like alive and still is, is my grandmother. Your dad's mom. My dad's. And she lives, my whole dad's side of family either lives in, they're all like born in Brooklyn

and they all moved to like Cherry Hill, New Jersey. So you didn't see her that much? That's right by us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you didn't see her that much? I didn't see her that much. That was basically, it was the fucking, the Blaustein brunch. That's it.

That was the family. That was the family. But it's interesting because when you meet people, when you're that young, they have this weird, like heavy impacts. I remember going to school and my teacher's being like, oh, you have an older brother. They could just like fucking tell because you're not, it's either like you're like this kind of like innocent, not knowing anything person or you like have like weird confidence when you have older, because you have to like live through like war when you're growing up.

Yeah, you've learned. Yeah. You've learned a lot of lessons. That's how Cree Pringles confidence walking around the school. Hey. That's a big, big energy right there. Dude, he found, he found that they were missing and like was, this dude was a lunatic. He burned a car to the ground.

He was fucking. What? Yeah. He went to jail for a little bit. Whoa. It's a family show, Bla. Oh, sorry. Back this up a little bit.

Let's hear about the arson. Come on. Yeah. I mean, there was a, he was like, you know, one of those like 16 year olds that had a, he was just all angry and angsty and blah, blah, blah. And there was one night where he was just, he left the house and he came back super late and there was a car in like a nicer neighborhood that was just literally lit to fucking lit on fire.

Oh. And everyone was like, oh, let me guess. And then all around the car there was Pringles and Reese's. They were like, let me guess who did it? It was the prime of the year. They went and figured it out if it wasn't for these whatchamacallits laying around everywhere. Damn, dude. And you skipped all that.

You don't really have any of that aggression or anything like that. Oh no. I have anger as you say. You do a little bit. Sure. I have anger. But was that more geared towards the new dad or not your dad? It wasn't geared towards, it wasn't geared towards literally anybody.

I just have like this weird like, I don't know, I think as dudes we all kind of have like a hairpin trigger. Sure. And like a little bit of rain. So when they, when they moved out, your mom kept the house in the cul-de-sac and it was just you, your sister and your brother. My little brother. Yeah. And then, yeah, and then my mom, that was it.

And then it felt a little, you know, less stuffy, pretty, you know, pretty normal. And then that's when, you know, it's about what grade I was in, whatever, like seventh or eighth grade. And then you start becoming aware of things and then high school and then it's just like, oh, this is just my life. Sure. Your mom stayed single from there on out. Yeah.

That was the last one. That was the last one. That was the last one. Do you have a boyfriend now? No, no, she hasn't dated since that guy. She doesn't really. I mean, yeah, you're striking out 150 times. Eventually you're like, I'm not good at baseball.

Yeah. Still, they're still working to retire. Still, they're doing hospital service for 35 years. Damn. Doug, that'll like, that's who it is. It is a, it's, it's a weird, like this really like warped sense of like reality because everything, everyone you talk to is like an almost ghost. Sure.

Do you know what I mean? They're all about to die. So it's like, it was weird. Like she has this thing where she'll like, she's like, I don't even know how to describe it, bro. She likes, she, I think she lives in so much sadness that she almost like likes to like make a situation sad. Let me, let me explain because that sounds horrendous.

Like she'll literally, how do I describe it? Like if a waiter comes over and like, can I take your order or whatever and then leave and she'll literally kind of make up a backstory about the waiter to like have empathy towards the waiter because I think she's just more comfortable in like, in like she needs to give empathy. I know exactly what you're talking about. That's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm glad. I didn't know how to articulate my backstory. But like she'll be like, It's like projection. Yes. Yeah. Because she like, she, she's more comfortable when there's like something fucking happening.

Sure. That's the world she operates in. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So she'll literally be like, oh, he looks sad. Like, you know, I hope he's, he probably broke up with his girlfriend. Like I'm like, I've probably had a tough life or something.

Yeah. Exactly. You know what I'm trying to enjoy yourself with the mozzarella sticks and the Shirley paint. Yeah. Like mom, loosen it up a little bit. It's a fud rockers. A lot of moms kind of do that.

Fud rockers. I love a good fud rockers. I love a good fud rockers. As they do get older though. Like sometimes I'll be talking to my mom and it's like, like, oh, did you hear about, you know, Janine's nephew? He got shot in the head. And then you hear about this guy.

Oh God. He pissed him. I'm like, I feel like this is horrible. You remember Jerry lived down the street from us like 30 years ago? Cancer. Yeah. What's fucked up about that is I'm sure your parents do it to you. My mom will walk me down a whole journey.

Oh, do you remember blah, blah, blah? She was the blah, blah, blah. And eventually I catch on and we're talking about four or five minutes on the road and they'll be like, oh, she could hit by a truck. Yeah. Just, I don't need to know that. I don't need to know that. She started getting warm and fuzzy reminiscing about it.

Exactly. Oh dude, she's the best. Oh, the cute girl. They used to be the thing. Yeah, murdered today. What the fuck? Helicopter blade took the head right off. It was in the mall.

These old broads get real dark as they get older. What is that? I don't know, man. I think they're probably wrestling with their mortality or something. And everybody, they got time on their hands too. Yeah. They're all sitting around just chirping. Yeah.

All the guys on TikTok. All it was talking about is fucking never stop dancing this guy. So good. Really good at leaving. Also really good at the renegade. Check out his floss. All right. So then you go up to college.

Go up to college. Yeah. What'd you go to school? Coastal Carolina University. It's pretty close. It's pretty close. I literally, I went for, I went for the PGM program, which is a professional golf management. What?

I know a lot of, I have buddies. Wait, you wanted to manage a professional golfer? Well, it's not, it's not really that. It's literally like, do you know, like to be like a head pro to country golf. Yeah. It's golf course. It's golf course. Yeah.

Golf course. Did you play golf in high school? I did. I played golf in high school. Like I went from basketball and I was like, oh, I'm 5'8". Sure. I'm not going to do this. And then I got super into golf.

Uh-huh. And then I kind of quit basketball. My junior, or my senior year. Sorry. I quit basketball and I just really just leaned into the golf. And then I was like, oh, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a, I'll be a head pro. And I'll like, you know, own a percentage of the, of the golf shop.

Sure. And I'll have a family. I played on the team at school. I did. Yeah. At college. Yeah. Oh, no, no, not college.

The golf team at Coastal was fucking stupid good. Oh, really? Yeah. Everybody goes down there for that shit. So how are you going to be a pro if you couldn't even make the team in college? Yeah. So a professional, like it's just to be a head professional at a country club. Those dudes aren't like PGA.

Oh, really? I thought you had to be. No, no, no. You're a good golfer. Yeah. You have, you have to be good. You have to like pass. What the fuck's it called?

It doesn't matter what it's called, but like you have to have like, you have to have a certain handicap. Yeah. You have to have like a four or five handicap to like, to be accepted. And then you have to like, to do the books. Nice. Yeah. I mean, it gets boring and shit.

I literally quit my like sophomore year. I was looking around and I was, these are fucking cucks. What, who are these people? Yeah. And I was just, I can't, I can't do it. So I just, I just moved like into management. And I just, I just started like just doing regular business shit. What were the grades in high school like?

They were fine. Cheaper SAT score? They were fine. Yeah. Everything's fine. It was fine. It was like, what a number on the SAT. I think, this is what we're here for.

Good. I think, I think it was like probably like a 3.0. I would say GPA. Not bad. And then yeah. SATs. And then 12. That's good.

12's good. 12's good. 12's good. Any scholarships at Coastal or anything? Nothing. No, nothing, nothing, nothing. I got a question. How many schools did you apply to?

One. Wow. That was a one. That's either really confident or really trashy. I was, I dude, I was, I was just confident. I just knew what school I wanted to go to because two of my other friends from high school were going for, for golf management too. And I was like, fuck it.

And we did all apply to the early decision. And then we all got in and I was like, cool, I'm done. My sister applied to like 19 schools. Yeah. That's also very trashy. You gotta, it's gotta be like three or four. I can't go both ends of the spectrum. It's wild.

I got shot down by everybody. Really? Oh man. Where'd you go? Where'd you go? I ended up going to Widener University. It's never going. You said I ended up going.

Widener's not bad, right? No, it was a great, it's good school. What year did you graduate again? Never. Yeah. 2000 and never. I dropped out in my sophomore year. Why?

What happened? Got any cocaine? No, a little bit of that. All right. It was our mascot actually. No, I went to theater school. Oh, but that's not a linear transaction. And you know that too.

Am I at trial here? Well, I'm trying to church it up. I mean, come on. What are you doing? Put the screws in next tell over here. Let's go. I was, I was, I was going to have to take an extensive summer program to get myself back into school.

What were you doing? Why, why did you fall off? Just because you went to like, you followed Pearl Jam on tour or something, didn't you? What'd you do? You went to, you went to like Nirvana's house. You did something weird. That was a spring break. That's all.

No. My football career was obviously winding down. When I, my sophomore year, I realized the freshmen that were coming. You make it sound so prestigious. It was winding down. You play your drug addict and play D3 in Jersey. What are you talking about? If I got to be honest, I got tired of breaking records.

You know, Michael, you score so many touchdowns. You got to leave a little bit of a resonance. You were high for most of the nineties. What are you talking about? Don't fucking try to church this up here. I wasn't going to put the work in to excel on this team. I also put it to cross. I walked on that.

That was, it wasn't going to happen because they brought in really, really good players. My sophomore year. So you were like an athlete, athlete, huh? A little bit. A little bit. But like Kevin said, there was the, there was an narcotic issue. Strong present. We had a good time.

We party. We were in a frat. We had fun. And it was just, I was going nowhere. I was an English major than I had to do hotel restaurant management. So I wouldn't get kicked off the football team. Yeah. So I was just trying to move on.

What frat were you? I was in a frat too. Theta Kai. Shout out to them. Oh, okay. I was a pike. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Should we beat these two guys up right now? What should we do? The guys weren't frats? No. Losers. You guys are fucking losers, dude.

Let's throw penises on their forehead and get out of here. Me and Kibby didn't have to pay for friends. Oh. This man was homeschooled. I know. I just didn't go to middle school. It's different. Butcher box, butcher box, butcher box, baby.

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The school, it depends on the school. So it's like, we're in Philadelphia, so you're like, it just didn't make sense. Our school was very small. It was almost like a fifth year of high school. Very small, very dominated by the sports teams and by the frat life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was great. But yeah, it wasn't linear from college to theater school.

No, but it worked out. There was a summer at Digenditions and Soul Searching. Yeah. Huh. And I ain't had no Kodasack to fall back on either. Anyway, back to you. Give it to me. I've made my mistakes.

All right, well, let's get a little of your garbage here. Sure. Yeah. Let's go back to the Kodasack house. Because those were your prime years. What was the Christmas situation? What were the decorations? What was the tree?

So my mom loved a good Christmas. Okay. Really? Oh, she, I mean, we're talking about early decorating. I mean, we're talking about maybe three weeks, four weeks before Christmas. That's pretty good. Right after Thanksgiving, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She loved, she loved going through the getting a good tree at Douglas Fur. Oh, Douglas Fur. Douglas Fur is our little bit of cash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Now we're talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice Douglas Fur.

She knows how to strike out with dudes, but she's really good at picking out a tree. I'll tell you what, dude. Yeah, a little. How's your dad's prom? He left before Christmas. He was on a tree. He would have stayed around for a little bit. White lights, colored lights?

White lights. Classy. Yeah. Colored lights on a Douglas Fur. Douglas Fur. Colored patterns. White lights. Classic.

She still to this day does the Santa Claus thing. Still to this day. What do you mean? She'll like wrap, she'll like ask for a Christmas list. She'll put, you know, she'll wrap the presents super nice. She'll literally put like two Michael from Santa in this like kind of calligraphy, like Santa writing. Nice.

Still to this day, dude. It's fun. It's fun. It's in the spirit of it. It's fun. It's fun. We'll also be presents for Mom. They'll be a couple for her.

So what we would do is Christmas Eve, we do like the family thing. Like the, hey, Mom, this is my gift from, we gotta take this slow here. Okay. So Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. You do the family thing. We do the family exchange. You give the presents that on the card say from Michael, from Mom, from Sister.

Yep. Yep. And then Christmas morning. And Christmas morning. We all sleep upstairs and we all sit on the, we all sit on the steps and my Mom takes pictures when she's down there and she goes, okay, you guys can come down and we all run down and the tree's lit up. That goes for a white light and there's a bunch of presents underneath from Santa in this

kind of cute calligraphy and we, and we go to town. That's great. That's pretty classy. That's very classy. Because I have said that the family that opens presents on Christmas Eve is trash. I agree. Oh. Go ahead.

Trash, but the way your Mom does it is classy. Can I add another classy thing? Or maybe it's trash. I don't know. You guys, this is, this is your show. We, you know how some families run down and they all open the gifts? Yeah. Every time at the same time.

It takes 15 minutes. We go one at a time. One by one. Oh, thank you. You guys do it too? One by one. One by one. You mean you open a present, you open a present?

Yeah. Not you open your whole pile? No, no, no. We go one by one. So when everyone's open in a present, you can, you can sort of, you're, you're involved in the opening. It's like, oh, it's a, yes. It's an event rather than just fucking tearing through.

Yeah. Oh, it takes us, it literally takes us, we have to do like an intermission. We have to do like a breakfast intermission because it takes so long. What is that breakfast? So every single year she makes, I don't know what, I don't know what it's called. It's like an egg, and like an egg loaf. I don't. Keesh.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Egg loaf. Oh my God. I didn't have a dad. An egg loaf. Mom, more egg loaf. Holy shit.

Keesh. So we got Keesh. We have calligraphy. We have white lights. Yeah. It's all home run. Home run. Guys also do Hanukkah.

Uh, no, my dad was a big, write a check, put it in a card guy. Gotcha. Um, yeah. He's my kind of guy. And at that point at a certain age, that's really what you want. That's all that matters. You got the fun of opening the presents, then you know you got a little bit of fucking steel to roll around the New Year with.

Yeah. A little bit of ghee, a little bit of butter. Keesh. Keesh. That's nice. Christmas sounds nice. What's the decorations outside? It's not like Santa Claus plastic on the lawn or anything.

No. So the only Christmas decorations that happen in our house is, uh, outside is we have these like kind of nice hedges and she throws some white lights. Very classy. All her hedges. Classy lady. Oh, she's a very classy lady. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very artsy. I'm assuming we never ate out for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving's always at the house. Thanksgiving's at the house. To the nines. Fucking everything you could think of. A very family event. Is it just the fouries usually? Uh, I would say probably half the time it's the four of us and they have to help me go to my aunt's house and same thing, just a massive Thanksgiving, everyone's, everyone's

cooking, everyone's having a great time. That's pretty good. Yeah. But yeah, it's a very like hollies or massive. It's not like, oh, I'm going to go, I'm going to go to Timmy's for Thanksgiving. No, you're not. Yeah. You don't even ask.

Sure. If you ever go to a friend's for Thanksgiving. I can't. Never made sex. I can't. It is a eye-opener. If like you go over there, maybe like in high school or grade school when you first start becoming friends with somebody, you do your dinner and then you go over there.

Man, if it's awesome, it's awesome. If it's bad, you're like, come get me. Dude, there was one Thanksgiving that my other aunt from Britain cooked. It was fucking hor- I, I, everyone was like, what the fuck? Oh, it's rule, Michael. There's like olives, bitch. Huh? Yeah.

Olives. And what? I don't, I don't even know. It was just everything was- You can't fucking rocks with that dude. You can't take that commie shit back to fucking England. Fucking catfish. This is why we play the game.

What is this? You and the red coats can kick fucking rocks, lady. This is America, goddammit. Fine, I'll see some cranberry sauce in the next couple of minutes. I start slitting throats. Dude, every button like fucking milk Gibson and the Patriots try to pull that shit on me. Take that prima noctis shit back to Scotland.

Party it over here. Um, yeah. Very good. What was the name of the grocery store growing up? Sniders. How was that? Was that nice? If you had to gauge it now.

It is fine. Fine cream. It's not middle of the road. Uh, yeah. It's a very, um, it's, how do I describe it, it's very like, um, kind of like, it has like a community feel. It's not like a big conglomerate. Okay.

It's like, uh, it's like a neighborhood, neighborhood. That's what I want to say. It's like a neighborhood, neighborhood grocery. And I remember, uh, the people that worked there, the goddamn cashiers and the bagger, that was like a dream of mine. Yeah. I was like, oh, I can't wait to be a bagger. She's a bagger.

I mean, dude, they were like gods to me. I remember I was a bagger and a cashier. You lucky bitch. You got so much. Oh, baby. What are we talking about? Holy shit. Get out of it all, huh?

Yeah. Your dad were for next door. No. No, he didn't. No, but I also don't talk to him. So. Double a piece and a pot over here. He's the Silver Springs me.

The Silver Springs version of Kip. All right. That's good. That's good. That's beautiful. You live near a quarry? By any chance? Or did you ever play in a quarry?

Oh, God. That's always, somebody always died around there. Oh, yeah. Can't be doing that. Did I ever live? That's what I've never heard the word quarry in my whole life. I just said egg loof. That's true.

That's true. I don't know words, guys. There's like two or three quarries around my neighborhood. Bugs me out. That's bad. I'm going to be honest. Here's the thing. Maybe I don't even know.

You would know. A quarry kid. Yeah, if there's a quarry in the area, you would know. We had creeks. Yeah, creeks. That's normal. Yeah, creeks are normal. That's good clean floor right there.

Jump to creek. Wrangered my first girl on a creek. Ooh. It sounds like a classy lady. Oh, yeah. I mean, dude, we were like 11. 11? Jesus.

Yeah. Dude, I was into. He's a smooth talker. Silver Springs. They move quick down there. Oh, dude. You see, you know. Things were early for me in that realm.

Were you one of those kids that could hang like a poster of a girl on a bikini on his wall? No. Okay. I would get it. No. But I'm going to rip it the fuck off. Yeah, there's no way.

What posters were hanging in young Michael's room? Didn't have posters. Really? Didn't have posters. Didn't have a dad. It was crazy. Framed artwork on the walls? I had a jersey framed.

That was pretty cool. It was mine. I didn't do it, though. I didn't do it. My mom did it as like a gift. That's nice. Look right behind you. Always just hanging right there.

That's looks like a sad jersey. You can still see the coke residue on it. That was a lot less clean, too. Never worn in a game once. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, that's your mom's a fucking classy lady, it sounds. She's totally normal. Yeah, she's super cool.

The only odd things that are hanging is like, you know, like homecoming memorabilia and shit like that. Yeah, okay. I mean, I had like, you know, like collages of like, you know, 2007 M3s on my fucking, on my little collage, best friends, you know, me wearing dress and just all the teenagers shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Was burning leaves a practice at the Bloustine house?

No, no burning leaves. We use regular bags and we rolled them and we put them in and it was the worst experience of my life. Was there a landscaper in the picture? No, no, I was the landscaper. Really? Cut your own grass? Oh yeah, good kid.

I was our tractor. Oh, push. Okay. Push. I'm not wealthy. Gas. All right. Had to.

You know, when you can start sometimes you have to like press the little fucking thing. You have to prime it, baby. You have to prime it, baby. You got to prime it. My dad would prime in that, prime in it and choke in it and run it. Yeah. The choke was real big. Oh, man.

It's always tough when you're like a seven-year-old that knows what a choke on an engineer is. Well, dude, I like, my mom had to like hold it and I was the one pulling it. I was the one pulling it. Because you couldn't do both. Because you couldn't do both. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I literally was the, they looked at me as if I was like the dead. You know what I mean?

Yeah. The electrical shit, all like the landscaping, all the take-out, the trash, all that bullshit was made of the house. You're wiring the garage at 12. Yeah. Fucking pain to wish. It was awful. Yeah.

Ever race for remote control cars professionally? Professionally? Professionally. Um, no. Did you have a remote control car growing up? No. Oh, no. I had one.

I had one. Gas powered? No electric. It's like a regular one. Okay. It wasn't like a sports mod one. No, it wasn't one of those. But it was like a real cool one.

Those kids. Fuck those kids. Yeah. Fuck those kids. It was a, it was one that like had like tank wheels. Does that make sense? That's pretty cool. Like it was, like there was two, or I'm sorry, one and then it was like in a triangle.

It's like a radio check job. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. That was, that was the only one I ever, I ever had. Didn't, I honestly didn't love it. When it ran out of batteries, I think I just fucking stopped. Yeah.

I wasn't big on me there. I remember my buddy the one time got the one you could drive into the wall and it would like flip over. You remember that one? Yeah. I was on it. I loved the commercials. That was cool for like 20 minutes.

I'm like, let's wrap this up. Well, dude, I love the, I love the smoke sakes. I love the commercials more than I love the actual shit. Oh, the commercials for toys. You didn't realize. Accessories not included. Yeah. You didn't realize that they had it set up perfectly.

They had a fake little mountain that you were over top of and G.I. Joe was coming out. You're trying to do that shit with a fucking. On your couch or whatever. Yeah. With a box of your mom's pumps. Yeah. Trying to make that a fucking base. Making a cardboard box.

Cobra base. Play stunk. Yeah. I mean, I said I was like an only kid for so long. I played with my sister. My sister never played, want to play fucking G.I. Joe. Yeah. Two years older sister.

Oh yeah. Making the Barbies fuck. You know, just normal stuff. What was the, what was the Blaustein family vacations like? We went to, so for like half of my life, we went to Ocean City, Maryland. My, my grandmother. That's no good. It's fun.

Trashing. Yeah. It's very trash. I didn't know it was trash. Go-karts and mini golf. Oh yeah. Yeah. And just, yeah.

And that caterpillar with the fucking convertible thing that goes over it when it's going around. I hated that thing. I don't even know what you're talking about. We went there once. I was like, let's go. I wanted to leave that night. To ride? To ride.

It's like one of the ones that goes around like that. And it's a caterpillar. And at a certain point, the cover goes on it. Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah. It's like the, just like the circle one. Yeah. You guys ever fuck with the zipper?

No? Yes? Oh, man. That ride was the best, dude. It was like, it was like four individual carts. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. And there was a, I don't even, dude, it's so hard to explain this.

I got it right here. Yes. Yeah. You're flipping like five different ways. Oh, fuck yeah. Dude, have a fucking blow your hair back that way. I'll give you a CTE in that. Yeah.

That's a tough one. That's something with the salt and pepper shakers. Um, yeah. So that was, that was the ride right there, baby. That was, that was 100% the ride. Um, but yeah, my grandma, my grandma had, uh, like a beach house condo thing. Ah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We would just go there. And then that was half of my life. My other half of my life. That's in Maryland. That's in Maryland. Oh, she's in Maryland. Half of my life, we'd go to, uh, Outer Banks, North Carolina. That's pretty good.

That was always like what rich people did in my, Outer Banks. Outer Banks. Very classy. Yeah. Any Disneyland, Disney World trips? No. Never.

Never. I like this kid. I like this kid. Never, never, never. Yeah. Oh. That's our next Patreon goal, actually. Really?

We'll get to whatever, 2,800. It's not trashy. We are. My mom went and she was in it. My mom went after, uh, we had graduated college. She went with a bunch of her girlfriends. Wow. Yeah.

We never went as a kid. If you go after 15, it's over. Yeah. Like it's over. You can't go. It's, well there's like, we've talked about it a handful of times. There's people now, like I started going because like now that my mom, we have a bunch of grandkids, my mom will take the grandkids.

That's fun. And then she's like, oh, like then I'll end up going just because like that's the family vacation. Sure. Um, but like I'll get on the, I'll get on the plane and like fucking JFK or LaGuardia. Oh my God. And there's grown adults sitting there with like Mickey ears on. No kids.

Dude. Mickey ears, shirts, 6 a.m. fucking holding hands. Like two fucking real creepers. Disney adults. Yeah. The creepiest people. Disney adults. Dude, they have Disney, I don't know if you guys talk, they have Disney gangs.

Gangs? Look it up. They have Disney gangs. What do they do? And they like, they represent like. The poodles are fighting the Mickey's. I swear to God. That's literally it.

Disney gang. It pops right up. Dude, it's, it's, look at this. Oh, wow. Holy shit. That is the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. Wow. I mean literally leather jackets representing.

Main street elite Disneyland. Don't talk shit about them. They'll come fucking right now. Yeah, those dudes look pretty fucking tough though. I'll give you that. Yeah, they do. It's real like Sons of Anarchy. Yeah.

Sons of Anakin Disneyland. Wow. They still look like they can move a key a method to. I'll tell you that. Yeah, they look like actual motorcycle gang. We taking all back. You guys are great people. No, that's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.

That's really bad. As an adult, you ever go to Sandals or anything like that? Heednism. Sandals. Sandals is a resort. And like Jamaica, there's, you know, there's. Oh, as an adult, no. Or Heednism.

Are you just saying words to me? Heednism is like a fuck resort. Oh, uh, Rippin' in the Terran. That's a real deep cut. No, but my dad did. To Heednism? Oh, dude, my, my, my relationship with my dad is hilarious because it's like we, my dad

started like talking to me like as I'm like a friend, like early. Really? It's always weird. Like 11, like 11, yeah, 11, 12, but it's like literally he talked about like butt play with me when I was like 12. What? Yeah. You got a man.

You got a fucking habit. Like he, and I remember thinking that. This guy is wacky. Dude, he literally. Is he in a Disney gang? He should be. This dude, I never got the sex talk. This is his sex talk to me.

I was literally at his place and he just, you guys remember the Adam and Eve catalogs? He starts banging a flight attendant in front of you. Do you guys remember the Adam and Eve ads? Yeah. Of course. It's like a little, like a little catalog thing. Yeah. He literally walked in.

Like at my, like I was like playing with G.I. Joe's. I'm shitting you out. The Adam and Eve catalog? And he throws the Adam and Eve catalog. He just says enjoy and just turns around. No, like there was no, I never got a sex talk. Jesus Christ.

Did you guys get a sex talk? Put an X next to whatever you like in the catalog. No, my mom doesn't even think I have sex. Do you? No, I don't. I don't. Yeah. Waiting for my second marriage.

Hmm. Have you ever had poison ivy as an adult? No. What do you, what do you, what's an adult after 18? I used to get poison ivy all the time as a kid. Sure. All the time. Yeah.

Dude, my basketball court was literally on a hill. And every single time I'd make it or miss, it would go down. It would go down. So make it or miss. So I'd just be penalized regardless. And I'd just run down and get poison ivy literally every fucking month. What was the pet situation? This is going to make me trash.

We had, we had a, you were trashed about nine minutes into the bottom. But sure. She, we had a Cocker Spaniel. Okay. Legit. But the grooming situation was Cocker Spaniel because my mom was a single mom. Like this didn't, this dog didn't get taken out. It wasn't top of the priority list.

Man, it was down in front of his eyes. It was down in front of its eyes. It was like, it was, it was, it was in like the mud, like hand, like lived in the mudroom. And like we would take it out something. And it would do it is 90s dogs. Thank you. Have a way different. And like everybody, there was a lot of 90s dogs that that's how they live.

Yeah. They were very second class citizens. They were lucky to be there. Yes. And now it's like they have top priority over kids. Dude, what, what happened? Like literally, I don't understand the way that I treat my dog is like literally like a kid. Of course.

But the way that, dude, that's exactly what I did. 90s was what dude, it was just like, he's got food. He goes out once a day. That's what the fucking dog does. We're still getting society together back then. We're still trying to figure things out. Couldn't start catering to animals just yet. But what was it?

I feel like we over corrected. Sure. We over corrected the shift. But what was the PR shift? It's like PR shift. I don't understand. Was it Sarah McLaughlin shit? McLaughlin.

Was that a thing? That could have been it? Yeah. Because that's kind of eating around when that, when that deterrent happened. Yeah, it could be. I don't know. I, I genuinely don't know what happened. Because it was like mildly accepted to just be like, yeah, it's dog lives in the porch.

Yeah, he's like an outdoor dog. Like a garage dog or whatever. That's where he lives, yeah. At a certain point, it was acceptable to take a dog somewhere and leave it there and let it run free and be wild or take a fucking duffel bag of puppies and put it somewhere. A duffel bag of puppies? Who are you hanging out with? I have no idea.

God damn. Dude, there's one time I was going on. I'm saying when I was a kid, those are the things that I worried about. Preferred hot dog condiments. Whoa. All right. So when I was younger, it was no. Hold on.

I'm starting to cut you off. Go ahead. Was that it for the pet situation? That was it. Yeah. Just one rough 90s dog. Oh, yeah, yeah. He had a rat, no snakes, no mice, no hamsters.

No, no, no. No, no, no. And eventually a quote unquote ran away and I still to this day, I'm like, mom, where's the dog? Yeah. Where's the dog? See, there you go. That's what they would do back then.

That's all I was saying. I don't want to see puppies in a double bag, but it was a different time back then. People were crazy. I don't even know what you're talking about. Me neither, but I made it to it. Hot dog go. Yes. So when I was younger, ketchup, ketchup and potato roll bun.

Oh. Yeah. A gentleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now, I'm a mustard guy now. I'm a ketchup and mustard. I was never, and mustard, that's the only thing I put mustard on. Mustard, not a mustard guy.

I don't like mustard, but I put it on my hot dog. A little bit of relish sometimes when I'm feeling frisky. What about a pizza? What are you getting out of pizza? I like a good everything. Supreme. Yes. That's what you call it.

Everything pizza. What? I'm an idiot in egg loaf. What the fuck? Egg loaf? What the hell is my problem? Everything pizza. Are you more of a bagel bites or pizza roll kind of guy?

Wow. It says a lot about a man or lady. Oh, wow. I'm going to go, but would I prefer what I've had more in my life? But I want to hear both. Let's do both. What'd you get? I think I would prefer the, I had more in my life than bagel bites.

Okay. You were a bagel bites family. Yep. Yeah. Wow. That's classier than pizza rolls though. I guess. But I think I'd prefer pizza rolls.

Never got them. Wow. They were tight. Chris Gillis always had them. God damn hand jobs. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. A bagel bite kid. Name of your local pizza place growing up. Dominix. Dominix. Dominix. Pretty solid. Did you really?

Yeah. Pretty solid. Yeah. You're the Maryland me. Yeah. What was the local Chinese restaurant in your hometown? Here's the interesting thing. I don't know.

I know where it is. I know how to order it. I don't know what it's called. There's some Chinese writing on top. Yeah. It's just a Chinese restaurant. Typically in a lot of places. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. I think you're right. I don't think it has a name. Yeah. It's like a strip mall or whatever. It's just like whatever Chinese restaurant. It's just like Chinese food.

Do you want to take out? That's literally it. Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Shoes on or off in the house. On.

Wow. Very much on. Wow. I don't like an off house. Wow. Don't make me upset. As a guest. As a guest.

Your shoes. Especially if you're older. If you're like a kid. I get. Take them off. Kids or whatever. Running around and stuff. But like if I go to someone's house and they ask me to have their shoes off.

It's like what the fuck are we doing here? I'll do it. I'll do it. But I'm not going to like you. Sure. Of course. The last time I'm coming over. After that.

It's over. Yeah. Yeah. It's like why don't you mop. Yeah. Just mop like a normal person. Because here's the thing. You're going to mop or sweep anyways.

Yeah. So you do it. Eventually. Yeah. And fuck your carpet. They put it on you too. And it's like. Well we'd prefer.

But you can do whatever you want. It's like I'm going to be the asshole walking out the shoes on. I don't like that. I hate those. A cable package as a kid. Didn't have cable. Not at all. None.

Didn't have cable. Bunny ears. Or what'd you do. Bunny ears. What. Yeah. Dude. All through high school too.

Yeah. There was no. You didn't have cable in high school. We got internet crazy late. We got. We did. My mom just got cable. I swear to God like five years ago.

Wow. That's fucking. You're never coming back from that. Holy fuck. Yeah. No cable. No cable. It was really just like we had just a bit.

How did you know what was going on. We just had just the networks. We had like Fox NBC. Yeah. CBS ABC. Yeah. And you know you PN and shit like that. I know.

You get the UPM. That's like practically Amish. You didn't know what anybody was talking about in high school. You know what's interesting man is like. I. I. No one really was like Nickelodeon. Like I don't know one.

But MTV was probably big. MTV. You're like my age. Yeah. MTV. Sports Center. ESPN. I never got any of that.

Oh. Yeah. The other kids just didn't want to hurt your feelings. That's true. That's true. Yeah. I also saw Regis and Kelly. This morning.

It was great. Good job Michael. Masterpiece Theater is lit. Guys. Listen. Michael's coming to the party. Don't mention that. So Raven.

He'll get very upset. Dude. I was such a big like. Oh yeah. Guy. For so much of my life. Sure. Oh that's so.

That's crazy. Dude. I fucking love that thing. I've never heard of that. I've never watched. It's awesome. Wow. Who's this guy?

Emeril Lagasse. God damn. Yeah. Sports Center. I literally didn't watch sports. Yeah. That's kooky. I only think I got one or two more for you.

Oh yeah. He's to me. Have you ever eaten at a strip club. And have you ever gone to a strip club with a family member. I have eaten at a strip club. Yikes. Here's the thing. I'm going to justify a little bit in college.

Everything closed at two. But strip clubs were open. This is Coastal Christian Carolina Mountains Academy. Yep. Fighting school. Fighting roosters was our. Oh my God. Shanta Claire to be precise.

The fighting roosters. The fighting roosters was fucking terrible. The cock fights. Yeah. They would close the clubs but the strip clubs were open. And they'd do BYOB at the strip clubs and the strip clubs had food. So like. So yes.

I ate at a strip club. But I get it. It's not like college. That was the food. That was relatively okay. Good. Good. Good.

They had great chicken fingers. It's fucking awesome. They call them titty fingers. Try the chicken breast. What are we doing here? How is nobody going to make that joke? Come on. What do you say?

Have you ever gone with a family member? No. I'm not a big strip club guy. I hate it. Do you guys have a strip club guy? No. Early 20s. Sure.

But not in. They stunk. Not in years. I just always hated it because I'm not going to fuck you guys. The only time that it was great was the first time you went. I remember the famous show bar in Jersey. We went full nude. Two ladies.

Shower scene. It was. Whoa. Hot. Shower scene. Shower scene. How is that even possible? I don't know.

Back room where they did a little show. A black box theater. Shit. It was like seeing Mammoth for the first time. Damn, dude. Real artistic. We got Kip. I mean, I think we got him pretty fucking dead to rights.

You know what I mean? I think we could bring him the bailiff and put the cuffs on you. Yeah. Put an orange jumpsuit on you. Because this kid's fucking garbage. Yeah, you're trash, man. You're trash. Whoa.

You're trash. Oh, yeah. The no cable. The no cable killed you. What was the mayonnaise in the house? What'd you use? Helmets or miracle whip? Helmets.

Okay. That's not bad. Here's something. I'm a miracle whip guy. What are you doing? I'm trying to give you an out. I'm trying to give you an out. I'm a miracle whip guy.

I'll fucking shatter from the roof. What did that come from if you didn't have when you were a kid? I don't know. Something happened in college. And I had some disposable income. And I got a goddamn miracle whip. And I was like, oh, this is so much better. You probably had it at the strip club.

It's got Tang. It's got Tang. It's got Tang. It's got Tang. Oh, my God. Michael Blaustine. It's got the rights. Buddy, what do you got coming up?

Do you want the folks out there to know? I'm going to tour a bunch. So just go on BlauComedy.com, B-L-A-U-Comedy.com. Get the tickets there. Also, Stifsox podcast every Wednesday with my co-host, Trevor Wallace. And yeah, dude, that's all I got to plug. Kip Perino.

Guys, at Kevin Ryan Comedy on social media. Come check out a live show. Coming up, Albany Syracuse Hartford. Albany Syracuse Hartford in the middle of December. It's going to be the last shows of the year. And then 2022 we're coming out swinging. Rock and roll. So I got ice me there.

Left me hanging. T-Bone? I closed out. Like I closed out everyone. All right, guys. We'll see you next week. We love you, gang. Peace, guys.