Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Mike Cannon Dirt Jumps & Stinky Feet

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Kippy and Foley are back with old pal Mike Cannon! Its a fun one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is are you garbage yeah so we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they're gonna be classy yeah they're just a big old piece of trash trash I'm your host A trolley down here at Antutti's basement she's upstairs cutting the lawn trimming her pubes my coach doing in the backyard I thought my coach is coming at you from right next to me unamused I went for it

I apologize I pushed the envelopes of my tooties intros he is the CEO of are you garbage he's international businessman and I'll tell you what else on the low he's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him give it up for Kevin James Ryan thanks pal love you too big man thanks for tuning in everybody please make sure you're ready to subscribe on iTunes full of video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are true to rule cooking then obviously patreon.com you sign up there you get a whole shit ton of content I think a bajillion hours we just hit it's good stuff check it out patreon.com backslash are you garbage I think any slash is fine did they get rid of that just google it google it this kid's pretty smart have a nice

quick shout out to our producer I haven't understood any of the choices you've made so far I mean we typically work well as a team you're out left feeling a hockey stick I'm not gonna deny that they've all been missteps I'll give you that I'm hoping to land this plane and right this ship see how the Toby throw goes gang having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good we love them you love them give it up for T-Bone McButtons Toby McMullen what up dudes hey T-Bone I want to let all the listeners out there know we got a rad dad in the studio and I'm taking all bets on whose kid is

gonna double backflip first Mike Cannon versus Tim butterly versus Jeremiah Watkins my money's on cannon baby yeah a long hair eight lion gang we got a little family in the building right here he's a family member at this point he's a family man very funny stand up get the guns out boys we had a fucking old shootout down there you're coming over a nice time you asked me to put on my glasses for this I'll punch a man in glasses I'm okay I'm all screwballs and he's taking shots at you yeah he's got a brand new special out right now called white privilege homeless you can check that out on his youtube page check it out give it up for the one the only

mr. Mike how you doing everybody my money's on butterlies kid yeah for sure they they feel like they're just already doing front flips yeah and some results that they're upside down people they also got some years on my kid you know he's more into he's more into dunking yeah one of those kids one of his kids are going to become nightwing or something like that dude right a Grayson yeah can I be honest with you yes my money's on butterly but we got too much money on that side so I'm trying to get some money on your side I appreciate it thank you thank you there's a little guy have a bike did you get him a little BMX bike he's got a he's got one of those balance bikes okay so he's with training wheels no no this is no pedals no nothing yeah just a new thing

it's like a scooter that you sit on kind of huh that makes a bicycle but yeah it's two wheels and you just kind of cruise it's like if the flintstones car was a bike you know so there's no pedals you're just kind of like learning to stabilize yourself but kids basically like rip on these things on dirt tracks so I'm looking for I'm like shoving them down steep hills you know what's crazy I've seen these kids on those goddamn scooters yeah you see like a toddler like ripping down like fucking Fifth Avenue yeah I'm like wait how did you fucking I was a big wheel kid when I was too of course my son is too he hadn't had a big wheel I don't know if they even sell them for less than like six grand on eBay because everything vintage they don't have them now they don't still

not still make them I don't think not the plastic ones yeah the ones that get the hole in the wheel well yeah the hole the wheel you'd go to fix it you're too and you'd slice an artery but you had to have those plastic wheels because you couldn't drift if you didn't have that's right yeah so when that big front wheel like a new pair of shoes yeah I mean this is how little parents used to or at least mine gave a shit I was two years old I couldn't imagine even allowing my son out of my site he's so incapable of surviving and I was like going down hills at two and a half years old on my big wheel so much so that while drifting at the bottom I skidded out on gravel and face planted on the street and carved up the entire right side of my face like Harvey does happen in

back they didn't I I specifically remember right on my big wheel going down the middle of our street on at our in our development and also too I remember like the first time I discovered like tar like what they put on the street like you know that the sealant that they put on it was like a summer it was like a summer I remember the smell and then I look back and realize like oh I was sitting in the middle of the road playing with fucking wet tar like that's fucking insane some of the best days of my life it was though and now you're sucking it into your lungs I need it I started at a young age I remember the first time I got a proper bike my mom was like we'll go we were like went and got me a bike like no training wheels I don't remember I was young I just remember it was

green yeah and I remember my bike I was like I'll tell after all right my driveway you go ahead first yeah and then I'm gonna tail whip right over you fucking end though right here you tell your non-gt pro performer story I did have some nice bikes but the first one I was like probably six or whatever I don't know I didn't know how to ride a bike without training wheels yeah and my mom was like yeah let's single you know she was like yeah let's fucking try so I'm like all right and she just I remember being like this I remember I can still feel nervous I'm like this isn't gonna be good and I was like all right so I just get on the bike and we go I'm going my driveway is a hill so I pick up enough momentum to where I'm

like I don't need to balance right the bike's balancing it's them and dude I just I don't I didn't know what to do I didn't know anything to no brakes or anything I just fucking went and hit the fucking curve and did a front did a front flip over and just like when knocked out he had five years old that feeling is the exact same feeling an adult would feel if they were like pushed off a building because you have no concept of how to stop no you think it's life or death there's nothing to stop you from smashing your soft head into the pavement which was precisely what happened insane I learned how to ride a two-wheeler when I was four years old my parents took me and my older sister on

vacation to Amish country to Lancaster Pennsylvania it's like a two-wheeler field trip like a two without without training okay so I had like a huffy training wheel whatever that I was like taking off of rocks and insane because I was a nuts kid I just had so much energy I was just smashing into shit oh you're a calm guy I've smoked myself into submission but I could still you know I could I could peek at times you have a weighted blanket of weed on that is exactly right dude that's how it is like my little stress monkey otherwise he jumps off roofs in the pool you think I can clear the gap what do relax hit the joint will you are you right yeah I probably shouldn't climb the roof we're on an airplane you're like I'm

gonna climb down through the wheel all right could just wait for the jet way hey take a head up relax otherwise you turn into bear grill you know I don't know I just have too much testosterone but so I learned some older kid in Amish country was like living and actually subsisting on that farm that we stayed on a vacation on and he taught me how to ride it in the grass to the point where I got confidence I was obsessed with this movie rad which I've since named my son after the lead character and it was just like everything to me so my parents my first bike they it was the last present of Christmas it's like the one Christmas that they absolutely knocked out of the park and they've been eaten off that forever how old are we at this point

I'm four you're four I'm four yeah going on five so I'm like I'm closer to five than I am to four but I was like I was riding and ripping all over the huffy got like you're supposed to have a two wheeler at four are you so right that's normal I don't know I don't have children yeah that's about when I got mine really I mean my sister was like 11 but she's the least athletic human being on earth my dog's five months he got a golf cart yeah but so my parents it was like the one Christmas they they crushed they put it over or under this blanket and I remember just shaking tearing it off and it was a mongoose m1 1989 and it was like the sickest bike straight from the you know it the goose is loose was the big thing I was just like it was fucking the greatest gift of mine it

was a little one though for a little for a little a smaller kid it wasn't like a full-sized like bike was it yeah I mean I was probably like that's probably a junior size I guess it was I mean in my mind now I'm considering it full size but I don't know it must have been like a junior yeah I guess I mean you're shattering my perspective and my you were four man that's all you were 14 or something yeah but I was riding I don't know I was riding all the older kids bikes too if you slam that seat to the bottom to the bottom BMX bikes are super small as damn yeah I think it was because all the older kids in my block on my block had like dying back at red lines GT was big red line was big yeah and then they had but the arrow was a gyros I had the racing bike because yeah because

rad was a racing movie how long did you keep that bike for with how long was that your bike that was my bike probably until I was like 12 I guess yeah so then I got a a dyno nsx I believe which is actually a downgrade and a shittier racing bike but I I took that through hell I fucking I'd like lit m80s off of that thing it was just a fucking lunatic we used to have we used to build like dirt ramps yeah and doubles and stuff yeah doubles and like use logs to build it up and then slam the mud on top of it and like really shape this shit dude and I like I mean I stopped once I started getting hurt and I like same thing all better but I like tried to tabletop and do 360s and I'd smash into a birch tree and do an x up was that what they were called x ups or

somewhere you do that right x up yeah remember like Justin's gonna try an x up like all the news will you and there's no youtube videos to teach you how to do any of it so nobody's saying like lead with your head turn and no you would just see it on a like skating skating videos were bigger like BMX videos and stuff like that we would watch that and be like oh let's fucking go try that now let's try it down by the creek you were like you were like evil kaneval you know evil kaneval back in the day was using just like a regular Harley to jump those things no like not like a jump bike or anything fucking heavy bike that's pretty badass but yeah I mean I'm no like I wasn't like that like I wasn't you weren't jumping the green canyon yeah we picked up I wasn't jumping

super Dave Osborne I was jumping three foot dirt jumps sure they were I remember the one it was like a tabletop and it was like the older kids had made it I don't know you just like you found them or somebody told you and we went they were like abandoned and this in the woods you're talking yeah in the woods and this tabletop it in like my perspective then yeah might as well been 400 feet long I'm real like this is the big like if if I had if I was probably describing it to somebody I'm like dude it's fucking 15 feet high we get 35 feet in the air like looking back it was probably this big dude and then when I started playing poker later in my life when I was like 19 we are very similar suburban white trash yes and when I had that so and then I went back

and I started buying the things I had as a kid so I bought this fucking like $600 red line that I wanted this insane bike and I was building jumps I'm like 19 living at my parents going to community college playing basketball did you see the jump I know I'm failing out but check out the jump building jumps in my backyard and having no math ability or any like engineering background all the woods gone from the dining room table my shed is missing a wall yeah you take the leaf they've done that taking leave for the course ma dude so I built this ramp and I'm super pumped in my head this is the start of a new life the but I built it too abrupt didn't consider needing the lift or anything like that I'm like just look how high I'm gonna go in the air and I just race

towards this ramp hit it as if it was a brick wall got launched into the air bailed on the bike landed with my foot on the peg and sliced my entire ankle and I put that bike in the shed and then never touched it again you gotta bury it in the backyard the kids that live there now probably have it she's wild why you guys just left everything when you moved run there's a half a box of Cheerios in here my family's carcass is in that house and I had to look at it every day while I lived at my in-laws over the pandemic kids good news you're not gonna wash your dishes tonight bad news is to start backing you got the spot now you got your own place now yeah yeah now we have a house how do you feel

domestication wise um I mean I'm still not like I'm not a man because the jumps in the backyard aren't done yet I got a snack bar and everything dude it is we're working on the trail whiffleball court's going up Thursday it's got the gates it's how I get out of the shoe clean I think I got this one that's right that's how my kid will earn my love what's the what's the what's the square footage out there what do you got out there we have like we have a three bedroom I have no idea I have no idea what the square footage it's a it's a cute house the there's a little bit of a yard but there's so many parks also nearby and you know it's it's more about that but uh we were just not to cut you off we were just talking

about all over there on the patreon on uh hard feelings I would I'm becoming more do you feel like more of a suburban guy now now that you're out there and you're out of the city a little bit and you're like oh I really appreciate it for what it yeah I feel like like I grew up so I was born here in the city and then I grew up in the suburbs and everybody that grows up in the suburbs resents the suburbs of course so I then moved here lived here thought this was my defining characteristic that I lived here and then I moved out there and I was like I like this yeah this is weird this is weird that I like this and I also am and spoiled in the sense that I get to come in every single day so I'm like a heroin addict that's just

chipping at New York City getting my little yeah get what I need where's the closest dollar slice place yeah getting jerked off on and then I'm out and then I'm right back over the bridge who's cutting the yard though not me see that's the thing is I don't I don't know if I can own a house my money is on no but I would I mean or until I could just hire everybody to do what my father could do okay you know what I mean so if something breaks you don't think you're gonna you wouldn't be able to handle it or anything like that like unless unless it needs to be broken like unless I need to like break it into being fixed halfway broken I can smash it if you want me to what have you fit do you know how to fix shit not really I got I can get away with it I can get away with some

stuff not an electrical like what so I can get away with some stuff so I can build like this yeah you know what I mean I could build a bed frame sure I could follow directions assembly that's assembly that's right that's exactly right so all my son's toys damn it where's g4 the toys come on fuck you and the toys come on the toys are are like an engineering nightmare they are a true problem that should be on the blackboard in goodwill hunting it's insane dude insane everything's so small I'm a shaky sweaty fuck yeah I'm not good I can hang some stuff but I don't do it well and then my what it's not it's up to my standard I'm like I'll get whatever you want I'll hang the curtains the whatever I'll do all that stuff I'll set the anchors I can do but like oh so you can

mount the TV I can mount the TV okay I'm not the one in my room yeah my wife crooked yeah I did I did the one at my old apartment I saw the stud I did and then hire tasks grab it that's where I'm at now yeah we got a guy who lives in the building who does like all the handiwork I go just fucking call him I'll give him 20 bucks yeah and he's fucking he shows up drunk gets a job done about five hours he comes up with nothing and I'm like he goes what are we doing I'm like gotta hang the TV he goes all right and he comes back in with like no tools and I go back and I'm like what are we doing here 15 times I can cut some wood I can I can clock the bathroom I could do shit like that I like construction so I've done it before like I I I roofed I did all that shit I helped I'm a

good helper and assistant but I don't have any shit out of a flashlight I don't have any knowledge she needs somebody to run and get sandwiches I'm your guy I am the best at that I was the lead nail boy dude I worked construction and after two weeks he put me on filing get in the office with the ladies dude he was like you know what you do I have an office it's kept like a like a crypt he's like just figure out how to make this like hospitable and I did yeah so I was his woman I was his and we're a skirt tomorrow too we're gonna be going on a bokeh this weekend gang this podcast is sponsored by better help guys you gotta remember one thing what's that bud you're a bozo second thing you want to remember your most important relationship

that you have with anybody on this planet is with yourself and you gotta take care of yourself you're feeling a little overwhelmed you're feeling a little run down do yourself a favor get on a horn there and reach out to better help because they can't help yes if you're feeling burned out lack of motivation helpless or trapped attachment fatigue or more better help online therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself you know what I mean better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to look at that it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and can be matched with and you can be matched with the therapist and

under 48 hours which is very convenient if you have never gotten into the therapy pool it is very hard to find and schedule your first as we know your first appointment 48 hours is unheard of it's fantastic are you garbage listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash garbage that's betterhelp.com slash garbage B E T T H E L P dot com slash garbage do it do it kid let's talk about ladder ladder let's talk about ladder gang don't forget how fragile life is we almost found that out in the SUV on the highways of phoenix on our lifelike you would have left the would have left your family holding the bag holding the fucking bad empty bag of weed you tell you that my shit but gang do yourself a favor do your family a favor you don't want to leave

hanging out in the lurch nope you don't want to be fucking buried in the backyard in a goddamn refrigerator box so get yourself some term life and talk to the good people at ladder to straighten you out cue ball let them know what they gotta do ladder is 100 digital no doctors no needles no paperwork when you apply for three million in coverage or less just a few questions about your health on the application tell them the bald guy sent you I don't know why you're doubling down on that you just need a few minutes on the phone or laptop to apply ladder smart algorithms working real time so you find out if you're instantly approved no hidden fees canceled at any time full refund if you change your mind in the first 30 days uh finally since life insurance costs more

as you age now's the time to cross it off your list so go to ladderlife.com slash garbage today to see if you're instantly approved that's ladder ladderlife.com slash garbage ladderlife.com slash garbage dad good stuff buddy congratulations on the fucking special congrats everybody check it out Mikey is a killer killer killer killer check it out let's do some cues here as you know you signed up for a patreon we'll answer your question on here we have the great mike can in here with this today for all that um all right this one is from lemmy get a bernie which i didn't it took me a while to pick up on that i thought his name was really lemmy um this is have you or anyone in your family ever saved the watermark school photos instead of paying for them that's real bad for sure

yeah yeah 100% there's like i remember seeing one later on in life of being like oh we just kept this one just think about just like mark's photography or oh screwing that guy over just think he had a fucking deal with that yeah small business owner 80s 90s just getting ripped off by dirtbag moms i'm sure a majority of the kids didn't get them there was also a couple pictures where my mom like to my face said i don't like how you look so yeah i'm just i'm not gonna pay for these it's your face yeah she's like i why'd you smile like that i'm like was she in a wind tour what the yeah she just didn't care for the face she created so oh my god i told you to turn to the left yeah i'm not paying for this chin down and out i told you you needed braces uh

uh what you been talking to my mom jeez christ did i remember i went over my dad's in my 20s my parents separated in my i was in college or and the last picture he had of me on the mantle was from fourth grade and you were in the background it was up to his friends in a bar a couple feet behind your fingers in the back just in hysterics oh which one which boy is yours see the kid to back by the poker machine bowing his eyes out every like take the picture i'm a golden tea machine it looks like i died by i was talking to my homie about us the casino trip we did for the patreon video and they told me that their parents used to drop them off at the daycare at the casino oh oh yeah that makes sense for me that's a good business from a casino standpoint hey we'll give you a

free we'll give you a free childcare what are you doing there i've done that you've got baby spots yeah that's that's i mean it's the worst timing of all time but i was like on mushroom smoking weed outside and there's like 48 kids running in wet bathing suits outside like chattering from the 43-degree air conditioning inside it just made it like mom mom and brettin seglo and i were just like jesus christ what a vibe killer out of here dude you're out front meeting your guy waiting to grab a bag don't you cold children run by that's pretty trashy what the fuck do they do with the kids in there that is nuts just fucking yeah mini pretzels and fucking the people's court and just judge judy reruns all right buddy so you want to split aces yeah it's getting them hooked young

they're playing for animal crackery so i'm strung out go fish dealers hanging out there watching i just saw you posted a picture of your son uh just recently in the school picture yeah yeah and actually oh yeah you were in it with him so i got i hoodwinked them apparently because you know my kid trying to get some headshots i brought i brought two looks he piece of shit Provencio was booked can you crop him out can you make can you get one of me dunking or something can you make his head a basketball so i'm holding it like that so he was but i brought him you know to school pictures and he's fucking two dude so as soon as you tell him to do something he's like

suck my dick i'm doing the opposite he's just a whirling dervish to throw and shit so the only way i could get him to kind of chill for a picture was to take one with him and then they thought i was a teacher so they print out free copies for teachers and they just printed it out gave it to the teachers and they're like this is a parent but i guess we'll give it to him that's great did you get a couple did he sit for a couple by himself yeah but he looks like he's on coke in all of them he's like probably got into your bag he's just numb but that also because you put him in a you put him in a biggie smalls t-shirt yeah sweatshirt and it really that it blew my mind to something i never i remember being so nervous about how you look and

what are you gonna wear i like that like it doesn't like i remember every year being like a panic attack yeah and i'm like it doesn't fucking matter brutal that picture but back there there was a war over what what i had to wear no the one back there with my parents oh i remember what i mean that's like a that's a real family seers i was getting screamed at this that and the other thing even going to school you have to wear a nice shirt and i i like that parents have loosened up with that i well let the kids become that's more our generation i think stuff like that still exists because my friends have like real kind of creepy weird or not even friends but all white on the beach yeah it's so bizarre but i remember wearing like a gray suit and a red bow tie like just a fresh pedophile bait and having

to like going to some strange studio with my parents and then just melting down on me and then being like right there yeah dude but yeah school that's a sweet fit though kippy i know i should reenact that for our next door the suspenders make it pop i know that is such a good idea what redo remake those photos that we use as promo that's pretty good i'm with it yeah i'm with it i mean i'm sharp as shitting that one i'm gonna fuck i'll grab a blue blazer and a paisley tie no problem i'm not dressed like white urkel over there in the corner really getting on your nerves no i was read i was looking for a next question i wasn't listening to you and then you looked at me for a laugh to be like right pound away i wasn't i was not checked into the program for a minute

well you're not a fan of the show you missed you you missed a real doozy i get that yeah it seemed to kill in the room i was getting the save me eyes quick mayday mayday give me a pity laugh that is something you pick up from your fellow like from a co-host where they get that life preserver idea i see the comedy rest hello all right let's see this one i'm we had mentioned before but i'm curious to see if you've ever done uh ever this is from bozo ever wash your shoes in the washing machine or a hat in the dishwasher yeah to both have the dishwasher i didn't know that would sell racks for them yeah that lives it's like a rack that you put it in it's a mold i thought you would put it in

why would you put it in the dishwasher because i don't know i guess it's clean yeah it's just if you think about it if there's no you don't do it in there with that fucking lasagna dish it's also only a certain like you gotta put it in fresh yeah but i put like a new era hat in there and it blew the back open like that little thing that keeps it firm in the front it just like it put that they never come out the same but i've been seeing on like instagram and tiktok people doing their shoes in there and i'm like it looks like it fucking works it just it seems like it would make everything won't i do that like i do those spray shit i don't throw it unless it's like a pair of converse because it's canvas and that makes sense but if it's like leather there's

stinky too you gotta get that out dude i've destroyed washing machines with like a pair of british knights in the in the early nineties dude when i when i was a kid my feet were like truly a problem to the point where my mom had to like talk to people when i went over to visit and be like like if he takes off his his shoes it's gonna be it's gonna be rough for your carpet so i don't know i want to sleep over with boots on holy shit that cannon kid is real high strong holy fuck that's crazy dirt jumps and stinky feet broke man i wouldn't have let my mom tell anybody i don't fucking call anybody i wouldn't have went anywhere publicly ever yeah it was rough kids that came with warnings so my dad turned the ceiling fan on have you bleached your feet have

you ever bleached them yeah i've soaked my feet in a tub of bleach to rid them of smell before this is like back in the day like when i was playing sports and shit jeez they're okay now did it work i don't know now i'm okay no i can't feel the bleach work at the time yeah it is you know it made him smell like something else i was just walking around smelling like a slight come you pull your feet out it's just bones all right set to go it's just bones that's wild yeah he takes his shoes off stick them in a thing of bleach yikes i feel like i'm bumming you guys out i just never thought that's insane bleach your feet i have to bring it on my third appearance you know i gotta be invited back

you know i gotta leave it all i don't even i can't steal your bathroom cake shocking all baby shocking all hit him with a blitzkrieg you guys ever dunk your head in ammonia that's garbage right that's probably what happened to your hair dude it is why i think this is like it was always gray but i do think from bleaching it during the pandemic it got like that's right i forgot about a little wider because i mean i had i kept it tight for a long time and now it's this and it's like oh this is way different it looks great buddy i appreciate your coordinates it looks sharp and i love the glasses thanks pal you know trying to be a dad on euphoria that's it that's what i'm anglic for put it out to the

universe that's like the third podcast i've mentioned that on so that's a new headshots for four that's right that's right uh i this one's from bozo the clown do you know anyone who does a lot of side work but hasn't had a real job in years that's pretty good well one of my best friends is a shaman so yeah yeah shaman i mean he's a spiritual journey spiritual leader and and guide and and uh he's just some kid from rockland county yeah he's the one actually that you look you look a lot alike really picture all-american guy alpha male football player he's the x now he's the current full circle but he does a lot in that world and i don't i don't know exactly what he does but that's his job yeah wow yeah we had a couple one of my buddy's dad's uh he did like he he did

painting but he worked like once every two months he'd have like a painting job for a couple of couple of days and then that would be it right it was like little just little sporadic things yeah we're we're a very trade heavy family all my uncles all the trades all their kids so like at any given party or whatever there's at least three guys not there because they're doing side work right you know like oh you're like you're like fucking where's my cat i picked up side work he's taping someone's basement or whatever you know yeah he's fucking you know well also all so many of our comedian friends are also exactly this oh of course it's like sometimes you just have to dip back into that or whatever yeah yeah but yeah a lot moving is a big one for comics because you're like

there's no like real actual job hiring process it's like can you be on a truck by 11 all right make it cash tomorrow that is a brutal job i did that once for a week i was i don't even move myself i hate it yeah no i hate i'm such a pussy when it comes to moving let me ask you this so this was a sticking point with my wife and i we moved during the pandemic right and she hired a friend of hers but he does like break down for her business so he's like a moving type dude right so we hired him and his buddies to come move our move our stuff i'm listening my wife like the alpha half a dude she is was like picking up boxes with them and bringing them down to the truck and like helping sure the entire process i stayed in the truck i stayed in the moving truck the entire time

because i paid them she did did she give you shit about you staying in the truck she she like was apparently it's an issue yeah they moved a year ago the truck well i but it's it's not a long standing issue but i am curious do you think that that is like an insane thing to do no it definitely doesn't look great because my wife's insistence on helping them herself sure but sure my point is that we paid for it one i i'm a big proponent of that of like i thought you were gonna say she volunteered you that's what would have happened i mean i would have been a volunteer to be on the crew which i would have freaked out about but she knows so the reason you need a guy to have a heart attack on the second floor i am a petulant child when it comes to manual labor

i've done it for enough of my life i no longer want any part of it it's just not in the cards so my point is with paying i just i want to wash my hands of it that's the entire thing i completely agree i'm on your side okay i would have i would have taken a one step further i would have yelled at my wife to be like fucking stop you're making me look like an asshole no i did yeah yeah i melt the word we're paying yeah oh she got it it's like i threw a real tantrum showed her hold on here's the question though was there a deal on the on the on the services or did they charge full rate i'm sure there's a i mean i'm sure there was some sort of whatever friends and family it was it was enough money where i felt comfortable it wasn't like hey she's

coming over to help us out for like 150 bucks okay and we like it was yeah help us out and yeah 100% yeah yeah that's why i'm doing i'm hiring you i don't want to do it i don't like it i don't like the steps yeah i remember that i i've moved in probably almost two years ago 18 months ago or something like that in the you know mid pandemic and uh it was the first time i ever paid for a mover like we had just made a couple of bucks and it was up we were up a fourth floor we were on our fourth floor walk up and i'm like i'm not fucking doing that i mean my wife are gonna get divorced by the time we get fucking out of the living room you know what i mean i'm like i'm not doing this so this fucking eastern european guy came in and literally he's like what goes i was

like everything dude he put a couch one guy put a couch on his back and just went down i'm like yeah i paid five thousand dollars and i don't have to do that that's insane yeah it's the best it's the best thing you can spend money on they were like this is it i'm like yeah this is it yeah they were in and out in 12 minutes oh my god fantastic i had uh i i tried to move myself at one point and i had a friend come over to get out of bed had a friend come over and help me that jokes haven't been hidden i got about one trip and i was like fuck this call the moving company to have them come in and move us like god i'll be there i'll be there in an hour i completely dipped my friend still was helping them move all this shit i just hung upstairs

and organized every yeah let's hear that there my last trip i had already gone through the packing process dude that's enough of a nightmare i'm just talking every time i move i end up throwing away 80% of what i yeah i understand why history is burned books yeah like it's the worst fucking thing to move and haul in the world i would rather lose most of the education of human beings than to fucking move a bookcase worth a what are you doing that sand script i'm not carrying that shit a box a box a box of books is four thousand pounds to king louis bible fortune i was a mover for a while and we moved a guy who had a box cardboard box full of bricks oh brick collector a brick collector oh fuck you you're a dickhead yeah he was like from like stadiums or something

shit i i've never wanted to i still think about drowning that yeah no way would i ever do that that's bullshit um all right this one's from alex have you or anyone in your family ever been been addicted to something that wasn't drugs or alcohol my cousin ben has an unhealthy addiction to final fantasy six online for ps2 nerd alert uh yeah addicted to being a i remember my buddy's friend addicted to being a virgin uh final fantasy that's like anime tough yeah my my buddy's friend used to play his younger brother we were like it big in the bike so we were like 14 or whatever and he was like maybe 11 or 10 a couple years younger than us and we'd be like oh we're going down to the jumps like every day in the summer and he would sit in his room and play this game

called ashram's call and we would have heard of that game we would destroy him like we would just fucking run in and i mean we were very mean in hindsight uh just like unplug it dude he would free like it was a proper chemical addiction what the fuck is that like lose it yeah his dad they would yell get the fuck out of that goddamn room like his dad was fucking all he was like the guy he was like chris farley from the bears get the fuck out of that goddamn room up there on a computer losing it proper chemical addiction is a great way to put it because i it said you're addicted to the dopamine you're addicted it's it's you're not just like i like this game i think there was a girl in fourth grade that it was addicted to eating tissues oh yeah she ate something

there was that chick on tlc who would eat couches no no couches she would eat the foam from couch right yeah i've never had family members do i know all of my family members are addicted to drugs and alcohol and alcohol and emotional abuse but the normal stuff inside work bit mobile bit mobile bit mobile bit mobile mint mobile mint mobile baby say that 45 times fast i bet you can't right now know what else you can't do what can't overpay with those guys sure they don't get you jammed up with the carry over there tell them kippy and a fatty sent you this is what they do mint comes in they see the middle man cut him out pass the savings on to you what are they probably charged though over there for a month probably 45 50 dollars a month hundred bucks 15 bucks you

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if it's true but like I feel the pull whenever I play again but poker like when I got to gambling yeah but I've been gambling I have a very unhealthy relationship with gambling you still bet sports no I stopped betting sports but poke I mean we used to do poker black if I'm in a casino and we're gambling yeah yeah he stinks I can tell you that not stinks it not stinks in cards but he gets on it he gets in he becomes a person that I'd never seen before you be first of all he doesn't like gambling I stink in casinos no he too this is this is what I'm going to rob the joint this is his version of me stinking at a casino meanwhile it's real focused yeah we're gambling there's money on the line dude see see there's 10 p the fact that you spin this is crazy there's

10 people at a fucking roulette table or a black check we're all having fun one of them was homeless by the way he was he was stealing everything she got the shit kicked out of him he's not playing backer rack and santro pay or anything like that but we're all having fun it's where it's you're at a roulette with a girlfriend he's acting like he's the like the the feds are coming he's like what are you doing let's see let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go up to the room let's see this make me nervous I'm like meanwhile there's 10 of us in a casino gamble that's what we're doing yeah and you can rip butts yeah no I was chain spoke I'm like go get a drink get the fuck out of there like if you don't want to be a baseball coach in the 70s but don't ruin everybody

else's time yeah where's that he boxes you out you're saying it don't share dude I have been joying his rabbit tonight what the fuck no we're here doing this this is why the response what are you doing don't fucking crowd me look at my cards they chokes me yeah he chokes me then he hits me and says I can't read he hits me at the table it was my fault I'm just yelling at you but especially you're a bad hang let me let me summarize my I got I got off track a little bit you stink to hang out with in social settings 101 and oh you're all right in a car not too shabby make me nervous I always feel like somebody's tailing me yeah he literally like panic why I don't know here's the thing that's probably a healthy way to feel in a casino because I mean like this is similar I was

on mushrooms in a casino and if you do want to stare the blackness of humanity in the eye you do hallucinogens in a fucking casino I have done them on multiple occasions like we used to yeah we used to purposely get them drive down to a casino and take them just to trip out lights and stuff I assume the noises the bells the whistles it's no that's all well and good it's that it's it's like it's the desperation it's the fucking money changing hands it's the clear advantage to them and like the whole this whole institution is basically built to like pill for money from the locals while kind of creating whatever I have no idea but that's what I was seeing while on mushrooms and it gave me a real bad vibe yeah we were in a casino and I love casinos we were in a casino

a couple days ago looking around I'm like does anyone in here look like a human being to you because they really don't dude first of all they look non-human the guy at the roulette table with us was had a tape measure on his belt like he was on lunch break from a construction job came to play the wheel he had his nose wide open too oh I bet he was hitting too he was on a bit of a heater I gotta give it to him yeah instead of the NBA logo a casino logo should be somebody holding an oxygen tank smoking a cigarette it's crazy just a white outline with the double damn yeah it's a tough look all right this one's for will this is not a question but I was at a concert last weekend and a guy proposed during the opener oh my god wait till the main act the opener people

are still milling around they're like oh I think you're in my seat what I'm proposing in front of some local band so what is the thought behind that you didn't want to interrupt like your favorite band maybe I don't know uh maybe they were there just maybe the the opener was their favorite band because I know people have done that they're like yeah I don't care which makes you even more of a loser if you're a fanboy for the opener not man because if she says no she doesn't deserve to see queens of the stone yeah that's true that's it we're leaving I'm gonna scalp your ticket beat it and this ring you gotta do this to me in front of goodbye charlotte you fucking bitch I got one seat one ring 500 yeah that's fucking I so want to know what band it was

how did you propose I proposed in no better way than that but I I it was my wife's six concerts at least they were on stage minor minor league soccer game dude this is some absolute trash dog shit so quarter skateboard I said will you work out the jokes so I uh you know we we've been together for a really long time my at this forever high school sweethearts elementary school like we live next to each other when we were 10 dated and fifth grant hugged you know all that shit basically played basketball together we're best friends growing up sure dated throughout middle school in high school huge story man so it you know it's her birthday we're like seven or eight years in I forget how long but at this point I am anti-marriage

I have bits about it I am going to harden the paint against marriage I think it's a dog shit institution I am 100 in on her and our life together she's like that's great I'm so happy deep down I knew she wanted to get married of course so I I got the I got my grandmother's ring which is a mate give it to me you'll beg I pulled it off her cold finger when her finger was still on it she fell asleep watching golden girls it was literally right when she died dude I got the ring and I'm like that's still warm I popped it right on my wife but uh no so I get this uh I was your grandmother alive when you got the ring no she had passed away she had passed away I think like two years earlier had that gone down the chain to was it going to you it was it was kind

so it actually it was a surprise it was like a thing my it was given to my sister okay my sister gave it to me or she said hey this is kind of a this is a beautiful ring it's like a 1940s vintage diamond ring like beautiful and she's like I know you're totally not with it but if you were to ever I think this would be a good ring was your sister married at the time yeah I think she was or maybe not because she had she dated her husband for like 10 or 11 years before they got married it's a good sister yeah and we're both just like you know we we saw what our parents marriage was like so we both took our time you take it yeah I don't want that shit on me take the ring from lord of the rings I don't want that nasty exactly so so I actually I had like a change of heart I

think it was it was actually a mushroom trip that kind of brought me to the decision and then uh and then I so I come home from Syracuse I think I did Syracuse funny boon with the funny boon with DeStefano and I bought her a bunch of shitty Syracuse orange men gifts because that's where she went to college and that was her birthday present so I presented her with awful gifts and she was like you know all right disappointed whatever then I took her to Gary Vaters show the Irish exit sure uh there in the upper east yeah for her birthday watch me on a free good show I get bumped by four comedians like Che Neil Brennan I forget whoever else the fuck are you doing this all in anticipation to set her up for the yeah so I'm gonna propose like I intentionally was

like setting low expectations for the night purpose yeah I was working on new stuff I could have killed but I wanted to make the night special they were actually I think they were gonna they were gonna put somebody else up again and I literally had to go to the person was like hey I'm about to propose to my girl can I please fucking go up on the show so I can leave and get dinner so I get up by the time I get up the restaurant we were going to closed so we can't even go to dinner we then drive take a taxi all the way back to crowd so you bombing and then to say wait will you marry me you proposed to her on stage no no no I would never do that that would be so you just did your set and left yeah did my set and left I had the set anyway but I you

know that was just a little just a little detour we had to take because if she's getting a ring part of me I gotta make a buck yeah I gotta get the hit right away so we we end up taking a cab back to Crown Heights we're arguing in the cab and we finally like there's no restaurants open we find a restaurant it's nice enough we we eat there whatever we go back to our apartment it's like 1145 at this point she I pick a fight with her about doing the cat litter like like scooping the cat who her turn or whatever and so we're like kind of arguing mostly like kind of busting each other's balls like it's a whole thing and she comes into the kitchen with like a pound like a 30 pound bag of cat shit and I'm on my knee with the ring and that's when I proposed to her

yeah look at that cat shit in the hand cat shit in hand what she did with the cat ship dropped it everywhere think you're supposed to freeze that for a year later yeah yeah we still have that anniversary it's the first anniversary right cat bag 30 pound bag in the center of the coffee table yeah I gotta tell you opening band doesn't sound that bad no no you win how about an open mic on the upper east side it was a good bar show show there was a photographer there I had to look cool on social media that wasn't a shot at his show that's a show that's a great it was a great show yeah absolutely um oh that's so fun that's fucking great uh this one's from sol your parents ever make you get out of the car at a long intersection light to hit the crosswalk button so you can hit

so you can get the green light faster the crosswalk button is trash let it play out how much of a rush are you in that's for blind people and shit what are you doing that's fucking nuts no that's wild no yeah I've had parents get I've had my mom get out of the car from arguing with my dad and walking like on the side of the road yeah yeah that's happened where she's like I fucking had it slam the door gets out like walks the opposite direction oh my way that was fun that's bro I remember my parents whoever was driving that's insane what do you do a scoop around and get her yeah yeah I mean he ran her over no he's like would you be crying like yeah of course no I was like leave the bitch we don't need her we don't need her dad wait

yeah hello apple bees we're gonna be three tonight frankly she's been bumming me out thank god she left pop pop it's gonna chillies and close some ass just push your sister out of the car dudes only I remember whoever was driving when we pulled up to a uh a train crossing if the things were down somebody would get out the whoever adult was in the front seat would get out and go and look to see if a train was coming and if not whoa no that's like you don't do that that's nuts I had a friend die from trying to beat a train she I never understood I'm just bringing the he playing the hits baby yeah he saw it coming and tried I don't know if he saw it coming there's dispute about how it happened but yeah I guess

I don't know that would be a tough one to try to beat if it was that close I would never take that I don't understand but I think there was something in the that said the like son was at an angle where like truly blinded him like 100% got a vision gone and he just yeah that's but the things down though yeah yeah I think he might as he popped through him or something it's like dude I've never seen those things be wrong right I have I have I've seen him go down and then back up I had nothing came through okay sure but one it's one in a yeah five million it's like dude just wait the three minutes yeah but unless you do this and then like cut back and like a four point turn to get you're not supposed to be there yeah yeah that's bad I think I've done that though

like it like when I was like when I was a kid and reckless and shit like that I definitely took chances like that I never did yeah here we're dropping drawbridge dropping drawbridge what is this road trip you ever have to jump a school bus for the blind I have to torch your dad's car just to get back so your girlfriend didn't know you were cheating on her I think you'd make it back in time for the test jump a drawbridge I have not I mean of course not this kid's jumped that Tesla not too long ago he didn't explode he got fucked up in San Francisco they like hit like like one of those streets and this thing went fucking airborne the cops were after them yeah holy shit yeah and then they

were just like that was a stolen car I assume I think because they tracked the somehow tracked the Tesla but like the GPI or what at like whoever it was these things are wired to the fucking man I'd be hard to steal I would assume how do you steal a Tesla any fucking Comcast remote turns it on kids all right kids all right all right this one's from Luigi F. Baby you ever have a teacher take your desk and move it so you're sitting by yourself against a wall for bad behavior relentlessly yeah that was probably your zone yeah and I got taken also desk outside the door that was big that was like the secretary yeah mr. Johnson's not taking any meetings right now excuse me do you have an appointment yeah but that would be the easiest

way to cheat on a quiz yeah it's like you just write on little like little things on the little fold-up paper and then you have it out there and the teacher's not even looking I was a big fan of the four together when you were a little pod pods were all yeah that was cheating yeah I felt like I built my own home with textbooks also you ever do that where you just like make the enclosure yeah feel safe real kid in the back nobody look you can in the eye I don't know why I'm getting this vibe from you did you ever put tax on someone's seat no no no no I didn't do shit like that I wasn't a bully I was just disruptive yeah like why wildly wildly yeah looking for laughs cut like we were joking I mean Joe pull a fire alarm no never did that I wasn't

like that but there was a couple kids like that that were like more jackass style hijinks you know shit like that like he was more vh1 more cerebral you know more of a words guy trying to get my rap career off the ground okay I dozed my principal once dude I don't know if this like probably could get me in trouble but when I was 15 let's talk about it in public why not we're I was 15 so I don't know how like and I was talking to a teacher but I said my I told my teacher who was like young 30 something I was like your ass shakes when you write on the board I was like 15 years old was it a girl or guy it was a girl oh but it was like crazy that style did you think you could still get in trouble for that is that I don't know it's not great

people are digging up stuff from 20 years ago she said that to you yeah no I've seen her since and we're cool yeah we're cool man she's cool she's cool she knows what's up she knows the deal she's helping me you know find my voice she leaves you like shaking for me one more time hate to see you leave love to watch you go the most dirt ball line on the world I'm gonna sit right here and enjoy the view do you have a taped over your uh your cam yeah good for you uh-huh boy well yeah I'm it's also one of those things that if I put it I'm very I have obviously I have very bad anxiety and I've lived my life in a way of like if I can limit the thought of I don't think it's on I don't think anybody's hacked it sure but in my head if I if I see it

and it's looking at it I go that might be that could be on you know what I mean yeah also we were doing the zooms right right like it was most it's not for the fucking CIA hacking me it was for like we're on and off zoom calls for like you're doing fucking all these podcasts during the quarantine I'm like I can seal her up yeah you know what I found myself doing sometimes is like I'll I'll like catch myself just making eye contact with the webcam out of nowhere remembering that it exists and be like I dare you like just talk shit to it I can try to you looking at what try to get just open my asshole and show it like I hope you enjoy it's like fucking American pie I'm talking to the three gans three three guys outside in a van right now with the headsets on have a good look

um save that but yeah that was long um what I enjoyed it I like that I like the rhythm of you were my only friend on that one you're my only friend he's a good guy that can't it's a polite gentleman this guy um fuck what were you just talking about disruptive behavior they're fully stinking a desk in the back outside when you got to take a test yeah I lost it yeah it happens but there was something what the question was the kid in the desk did you guys get sent out a lot I got in trouble yeah I was uh yeah in trouble a good amount for sure definitely ghost in the hallway yeah if I can whatever I remember one time I was running like rap got big like JZ DMX I was in sixth grade and I wrote all the lyrics uh to including all of the words on my desk and

pencil and like he had saw me do he like let us do that like the original white kid manifesto yeah but it was just like dma it was like you know stop drop open up shop whatever I was a fucking and he found it and was like what the fuck is this dude he's like you got to take this shit off right I was like oh my bad I thought we were cool I thought we were fucking party was hard bro yeah you're smoking a blunt chill out man I was always like good enough to like I'll give you a feature on my next album play it cool that's another question I've asked before do you know the lyrics to the eight mile rap battles yeah oh yeah every one of that was right and the whole soundtrack yeah that is uh that's a top three live movie experience of my life

I saw it on I saw it on opening Saturday in a jam-packed movie theater and it felt like we were in the shelter yeah like it people were just like oh like just the energy of that and people literally like like vibing like this like in the shelter and I'm just like really just ready to go now some yeah I'll tell these people something they don't know about it ah people went nuts it was ballistic yeah it was fucking awesome you ever seen that movie dork I saw it a little bit I didn't see the whole thing I don't think you didn't go to the theater no I was like 38 when I came out I get my fucking ass kicked what are you talking about walking I got a do rag on shipping out of me where in a baby blue where is this kids parents

dude you in a do rag would look sick he's got his own mom's spaghetti with him I used to I wore one my best friend uh they all wore wave caps yeah right and he had it was my best friend Rodney when I was growing up and he had an older brother Andre that was literally the coolest fucking guy in that part of Pennsylvania like that's how fucking cool he was he always had you know the coolest things first he was a great athlete he was cool as shit and they used to always wear wave caps on during the day when we'd be sitting there playing Nintendo and his cousin used to show up in the summer he was fucking the coolest guy in South Carolina they were like just two of the coolest dudes so I wanted to feel like them

so the three of them would be sitting there with their wave caps on and I would fucking put one on and they would be okay with it but when their dad came home he used to freak out they're like Henry what's this fat white boy doing I swear to god he had this Caribbean accident Henry take that goddamn thing off your head get in the car we're going to get pizza oh my god that's awesome just chilling there playing excite bike like what's up that is the best yeah I uh I got cornrows once when I was in college uh I went to sandals would you go every girl in high school or what a girl would come back with the braids with the beads yeah this was uh not sandals I had a classic identity crisis when like you know my family was like

splitting up all this shit was going on at the same time cornrows so I just like I went full the opposite way I had all my teammates were black from the city I immersed myself in that world I had like at first I had to tape up with the lineup I wore triple X long white tees with Pele Pele jeans they were hot at the time white on white air force ones we're talking about like 2004 yeah yeah exactly 2003 2004 yeah we were living it I even changed my uh my like voice a little bit like it it took on an affect dude my friends were coming home from college like what happened to you dude what happened to you my parents are breaking up oh what's been going on buddy has school treating your mind Mike and then the next year I grew my hair out and uh this girl gave me braids

gave me cornrows wow yeah would you wear the headband with the braids yeah I had to wear the do rag to sleep to keep it in and obviously my hair isn't built for it and she was like pulling it out trying to get as much of it out as possible and so it was the most painful experience of my life it was like dude it was crazy how much it hurt and then I'm doing the like the the tap tap itch because everything's itching and if you itch it it pops out like fucking bed springs like that and one mixtape lied to me you stink come on Justin Timberlake didn't look like this at the fiamas oh that's right he had that was that time things were real wonky at that time yeah early 2000s yes yeah yeah I tried some things on some of that stuff needed to be straightened out

a little bit yeah you're right I used to do the jersey with the matching fitted oh yeah yeah yeah yeah sure Mitchell and S was big so you're like huge you know yeah it was bad there's a couple of bad picks floating around with a 5950 fucking new era flapper and cook and with the stickers still you stink man I would take the one off the top the circle 5950 new era sir I would take that off but you always left a hologram I'm not a fucking asshole I got both I was a dual sticker yeah and hachi machi all right let's do one or two more and then you got to get the fuck out of here he really lets you breathe in between the questions doesn't mean makes me nervous there's that fun paranoia again

it's good hang right in fairness he's like watching sandy hook videos right before the right before Toby yells action body cam footage for my rack who wants to pot you literally hear animals screaming in the background of the videos and I'm like are you doing over there buddy he's like ready to go yeah what I'm fine got some spots tonight huh there's been a weird one I like it okay let's take a long pregnant pause here wait cannon so you're telling me you don't want to bring that to a casino with you yeah I would like to just to just to kind of get the vibe I understand why you yeah it's no fun yeah yeah it's being on my boys from high school like

slapping five having fun and he's like yeah I'm gonna go back to the room yeah let's get the fuck out of here let's go to a bar dude too many people are the vending machine and go back to the room for three hours these guys follow me I'm gonna hide I'm gonna hide by the ice machine for a little bit what are you fucking John Nash from a beautiful mind that's what it's like I'm like here's the fact Henry Foley ladies and gentlemen oh man that was it was such a dude I went it was like he was on Cluesic sweaty like we gotta get the fuck out of here dude it was like a bulldog it was because it was a bad morning it was like a Wednesday it was a homeless guy literally stealing chips aren't the things there's about one o'clock on a Saturday the homeless it was after

our show okay there was still a homeless guy there with foam coming out of his mouth that I won't I won't argue that we weren't at the nicest casino you know I can tell like I was embarrassing at the Borgata or something like that we were in a bad place well let me tell you that the one guy was playing with buttons what are you talking about excuse me do buttons play sir his card protector was a syringe sorry you can't use monopoly pieces I'm sorry god damn it he fuck dude thank you for doing that though because mine was a shit and that was a diarrhea that was that was awesome so if I was a couple seconds slower I would I would have walked away

from that accident god damn it fuck let's just wrap it up buddy we absolutely love you I love you go check out the fucking special yeah yeah please youtube.com slash Mike Cannon comedy white privilege homeless comment like all that stuff just tickle the algorithms balls for the love of god he's one of the best we love the everybody out there loves you gang go and check it out let him know the homies are watching yeah I don't know get in that chat you know drop your own sad story talk about your parents divorce I'll come to your house and weird it up a little bit for you Gary we love you we'll see you next week please always gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar

oh that was the best