Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Mile High Club w/ Mark Normand | Are You Garbage Comedy

Episode Date: March 23, 2026

Mark Normand returns to Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! You know Mark Normand from stand up comedy, the Joe Rogan Experience, We Might be Drunk Podcast, Kill Tony Podcast, Protect our Parks, Tuesdays with Stories, This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von, First Date w/ Lauren Compton and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Best of AYG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL8bt-D-ZN4&list=PLCJp1IfokN9Cy1Hi79LSGAykCKfRDM_y9 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Better Help: Your emotional wellbeing matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/garbage Promo Code: Garbage Mars Men: For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://Mengotomars.com Warby Parker: Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at https://warbyparker.com/GARBAGE — using our link helps support the show. Huel: Limited Time Offer – Get Huel today with my exclusive offer of 15% OFF online with my code AYG at https://huel.com/AYG. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh, yes. It's our little show. We sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash.

I'm your host, Tage, fully coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootty's in a new edition. She's out picking up night crawlers. He just fucking spit on. The worms. My new co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He's got a brand new special out there on Netflix. Give it up for.

Mr. Mark Norman, everybody. Good to be. Our ace. Good to be back. And our guests we couldn't be more excited about. He used to have the company, got bought out by Norman. Kids got a little cash. The check goes a long way.

Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, what up, gang, shout out of the as always. Make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. The boys are climbing the fucking charts over there. Top something. Top 100 in all podcasts.

Top 100. No? No, no, no. No? No. No? Top 100 Eastern Regional. South Eastern Pennsylvania.

We're on the list in Top Podcasts and we're in the Top 100 on Top Comedy Podcast. There we go. We're better than that. Get out of here. That thing's bought and sold. And check out Patreon.com, the greatest website in a whole wide world, gang. Check it to fuck out. Mark.

Yo. I hear you're a comedian. Yeah, yeah. I just got back from the BAFTAs. I had Tourette's. I felt so bad for Delaware Linda and that. I love him, man. He's the best.

Poor guy. Well, it's a funny. It's like a woke nexus where you're like, disabled or black? Who do we care about more? Man, that was so crazy. It's a crazy scenario. Did we confirm he has Tourette's? Yeah, he was the guy that the movie that won was based on.

Wait, really? Yeah. The guy that won best actor. Selma? The guy with Tourette's, he had a movie and the guy that played the actor and that was the guy won best actor. He was great in it, too. I don't know what we're talking about. Yeah, I haven't heard this.

I think you might be making all this up on this spot. Big man's good. Do a little PR run here. Buddy, congrats on the spash. Hey, thank you. Netflix. Netflix number two. It's a fun hour, and now I got nothing.

Nice. I'm back out there. Kids spend. He's cashed. You're back doing clubs. Back at the clubs trying to work it out. Yeah. But, you know, you think like, hey, I've been doing theaters for a while,

go back to clubs. You're still got to kill in the club. I know. Sometimes you've got to do it harder. I know. You got to maintain that that gets white hot and you got to keep it. And they're right there. Yeah, yeah.

You know, the theater, like, you got the dark room. with the chandelier and the curtain. This is like, I got a white trash guy going, this is my night out dick, kid, let's go. There's a two drink minimum here. And you can always blame it on the theater. Not blame, but you just be like, it's big and it's the far. And if it's a low ceiling and you can touch them and you're not doing well.

See the whites of their eyes. Bombing at the comedy works in Denver. Yeah. Oh, the hottest club. Woo, the best. You did this in Boulder. Boulder, Colorado. I'd never been there.

And we put up a theater date. It sold. So then we sold another one. And then another one, I said, let's shoot it there. That's three shots. That's the way you did it. You did it on a win like that? Yeah, and I was nervous because Boulder's a little crunchy, a little quiffy, little mountain town.

But no, they were ready to go. See that? Look at that. I know. Look at this guy. He's killing it. This guy's good. Fun times.

We've been asking people on the show lately. What's something that you do that makes you feel wealthy or classy? And it doesn't have to be like a money thing. It could be like when I go to the store, I buy a lot of toilet paper to make sure. going to make sure I have it or like, you know, I'll tell you. Because you don't indulge your, no, because we have one from a fan of the road and he goes, having all my shirt hangers the same color or even the nice wooden ones makes him feel like he opens his closet and goes like, I'm put together.

I'm a wealthy guy. A wooden hangers big when they make that clunk, clunk noise when they're bad because the metal ones are like, tang, tang, they're all stuck together. I've had some bad hangers in my day. Oh, yeah. But one thing I do that makes me feel rich is sometimes, I go to the self-checkout and not steal. And I feel like a king.

Like, what an upstanding citizen I am. I could have taken those raspberries. That's not bad. You're stealing every time you do the self-checkout? Well, if I'm doing the work, I'm going to take a little tip. You mean, not when you're on the road, like, here at the grocery store, if you're going for the family? Stop the shop, Brooklyn. They don't watch you.

So I'm like, well, just put the salad dressing in the bag. There you go. You're famous, you're rich. You're stealing? It's a principal. I hate self-checkout. Why am I doing the job? No, I agree.

Now, do you buy the bag there or do you bring your own bag? I try to bring the bag, but you forget, so I steal the bag, too. Well, see, I got a bone to pick. Hit me. This world is changing. It used to be a country. This guy's deep old. Hold on.

You used to be all quefs and. I haven't heard my argument yet. And come. All right, I'm still coming. It's right here. Becomes a Christian comic. So. I like him in the middle.

Yeah, nice. We got him right where we want. Every restaurant you used to give you, you go to a Mexican restaurant, they put chips and sauce on the table. Yes. Now it's $5. Okay. Okay. No more bread baskets.

No more bread baskets. No more bags. The bags cost a nickel, whatever it is. I went to a restaurant the other day. The ketchup was extra money. No. Ketup? I'm telling you.

The airport? No. Was it in a little bottle? Yes. So they, I was like, can I get some ketchup? And they brought the little bottle. And on the bill, it said $3. Jesus.

So I was like, times are changing. Check out at a hotel? You should be able to check in. Don't get me started on a hotel. Now it's four. You get three hours at a hotel. Exactly. You got to be out by 10.

You get in at 6.30. Keep squeezing you. It's crazy. And it's going to keep going. Things are going to keep going. And I get it. The restaurants are getting squeezed too. But don't fuck us.

The whole country's getting fucked. The COVID really, they go, we need the extra time to sanitize the room. Yeah. That was the big thing. That was the big way. Hey, instead of, you know, instead of going out at 11 or noon, sometimes you'll be on the road. You're like, what time's check?

What time we got to hit the road in the morning? What time's checking out? And they go noon and you go, woo, I can wake up. We can all grab breakfast. We can go somewhere. You got to, it's that is. Love a late checkout. Love a late checkout.

That's when you feel like a king. Very true. That's good. The vacuum in the other room, you're like, not me, baby. I'm still here. I haven't finished jerking. I still got first 48 going. Sometimes they knock on the door real early to clean the room, though, the day you're checking out.

Oh, what the fuck? Call ice on her. I mean, that's crazy. I'm trying to sleep here. It's a hotel. Why would you knock on the door at 8 a.m.? What am I a preacher? But let me ask you this.

In your private life, do you and the misses do anything, you know, a little bit fancy? You got the car. You got the Beamer. The vintage car. Yes, yes. Where's that parked in a lot, I assume? Oh, I don't get me started. I just turnpike.

It shut down on me. Yeah, I broke down. Broke down. Jesus. So I had to push it. I was on the freeway. I had to push it down the ramp and then get in it because it was going too fast. Why did you just leave it there?

I can't leave. It's a classic car. It's all I have. That's all I got you. Yeah, so I had to push it down. Then I got in it, and I yanked it, no power steering, got it off the side of the road, and I popped the hood, and I'm looking in like I know what I'm doing. You always think you're going to figure something out.

Jersey, though, they're nice people out there. One guy saw it. I've told the story before, but one guy saw him. He goes, you good? Yeah, I did hear this. This is great. He brought me to my car to his house. He got a tow trailer thing, trailed it up, brought it to his place, like an hour away.

We sat in the car. We chatted. I had dinner with his mom, with his family. And then I got an Uber and went home and he goes, comedy. No way. Where did he get the car towed to? His house. And it's still there?

No, then I called a friend of mine who's a mechanic in Philly and he goes, I'll go get the car and fix it. I'll charge you a million dollars. And then when you do the Stress Factory, New Jersey, I'll drive it there, I'll watch the show, and then you drive it home. Really? Yeah. So I drove it home, no insurance, no registration, straight down the Holland Tunnel. Very nice. Yeah, freezing cold.

I've brought gloves. A system of dirt bags around the tri-state area. I like that. How much was it going to get it fixed? I don't want to talk about it. Because don't you have to go to like a specific kind of mechanic? Yeah, well, this guy's good, but he said the only problem was my fuel valve had popped off the engine. So I was just shooting fuel out and it wasn't getting to the engine. So it wasn't even that big of a fix.

I could have killed you. I know, I know. They could have blown up like a bomb and I ran. Sorry. I thought it was going to be like a real specific. Like a bomb and I ran. Yeah. That's not a day-to-day car, right?

You guys have another one. No, no other car. That's it. That's it? It's a classic car. I live in New York. Where am I driving? What does the wife do if she's going to the grocery store, the kid, or stuff like that?

We live in Brooklyn. There's a grocery store right down the street. There's a Target, there's a whole foods and a stop and an shopping shop. Man, you went to a tight ship over there. You know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you ever go to Aldi? Yeah, we know how I love Aldi. It's like a FEMA tent. What are you talk about?

It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. Fristed flakes and fucking cocoa bombs or whatever they are. It looked like when they put people after Katrina. I know. It's all messy in there and shit. Those silver blankets.

I'm surprised you don't go to Whole Foods? It's too, to quote, hey, too quefy. It's like, he does. I know, but it's like you can't get the stuff you want. You can't get the good, you got to buy all their shit and a version of what you really want. When you guys did the house, you got like, you know, the good fridge and all that stuff, the range and all that stuff. You spent...

I blew it on all that. I fucked up. I should have got... No, I should have gotten that. Oh, you blew? You got cheaper shit. Well, I just got the thing there. Like, yeah, we got your fridge, and they all did it.

And I don't have the cup in the fridge door, you know, that thing, the water. I fucked up. You could have got the sub-Z that you can't see. I might do it in a year or something. Redo the redo? Redo the fridge and stuff. It's an investment. It pays off in a long run.

Yeah, I'll tell you one thing. So I got my baby now and he's walking, which is fun. I'm close, yeah. It's a good time. He got him stealing. Put him in a big coat. Put it in his diaper. Yeah, but he took the remote.

We can't find it. And I got his thing. This is ruining my marriage. Dude, I just found it in a place he had put it somewhere. Like, he crawled away with it. And it was under a mat. And I caught it out of the corner of my eye. I'm like, that would have ruined a week.

Yes. Because you're looking for it. Then you go blame her. And you're like, it's probably under the couch. Right. And then you got to order one. It's like, it's a multi-day process. I thought about this last night.

My dad used to do this. Pretty dirtbag move. He puts it in his pocket. If he gets up from watching TV to get something to drink, that's crutch goes in a pocket. That's what they do in prison. So nobody changes the channel. That's fucking smart.

He's the man of the house. You got to do. Well, so he hit the remote and we're flipping the house over, can't find it. And me and my wife had to talk. It was brutal. Kind of a conversation? We didn't know what to do. I tried to fuck her.

She said, no. It was horrible. Then I found it like three days later. But that was a long three days. It was like COVID. I had to take walks and shit. It was brutal. But I found it was in an old.

shoe the kid slipped it in a shoe. Slippery one. Yeah. Yeah, he's got sticky fingers like his dad. But no, like, you guys go to nice dinners. Oh, yeah. Well, she's good. She's a normal human being.

Yeah, she seems normal and, you know, a little taste of the, of a nicer lifestyle than cockroach comics. What do you mean? He walked here. I know. He came in covered in water. She wasn't with me. Crazy.

Like, for New Year, she's like, what should we do for New Year's? I'm like, let's stay home and watch TV and have a couple drinks. And she's like, what? That's going a trip. So we went to my trip. So we went to Miami. I stole a loaf of bread. Somebody, I know I was texting somebody, and they were like, I think I'm going to talk to you about this.

This is like very soon after you had the baby. I was like, my buddy texted me. He's like, my other friend is in the Bahamas maybe or something. He goes he thinks Norman's at his resort. And I go, I think he just had a kid like four weeks ago. Oh, I did, bro. I'll send you a photo. And he goes, no, I think he's there.

And he sent me like a picture of like across the casino. You were in the casino with a baby. Yeah, that's right. He's all went together. Yeah. That's nice. Well, we couldn't leave the bay. It was brand new, and we felt bad.

I was like, dude, I don't know if you can travel with a baby. Yeah, I put that thing on the beach. I mean, it shriveled like a raisin. Was it for a gig or just vacation? It was a gig to vacation. Nice. I had a Florida gig. I think it was South Florida and then pop down to the Bahamas.

There you go. Great time. I don't like resort life. I don't know about you guys. I like it for a couple of days. For like a few days. I'm not a big vacation guy. I got to get moving.

I got to get beat, I got to be. Three, four days. Get all fucked up at the pool and didn't go back. That's it. That's all I need, yeah. But with a baby, it ruined it. Like, it's not a vacation anymore. Trust me, it's ruined everything. Yeah, I know.

I'm fucked up at 11 p.m. And you're like, woo, I'm riding high. I'm smoking a cigar out in the beach. And then you're like, oh, this baby's going to wake me up at three, four, five, six, and then seven. I was up at five, a.m. every day. He's sleeping through the night, but it's... Talk about a buzzkill. This is why Epstein's Island must have been hell.

There's candy everywhere, toys. Hold on. All right. I have a big dog. I can match that and he won't want it I got Zepbound farts That'll clear out the room Bring it on

I'll get a hit a Zinn from your farce All right All right let's get into some Garbage questions from the old Patreon Guys as you know when you're doing the Patreon We will answer your garbage question on the air And it could be answered by the one and only

Mark Norman Mr. Mark Norman All right let's see here This is from Freaking the Sheets $10 time shareholder never have one read what's the longest use of going without health care? I've never had it.

I still don't have it. Since you've been out of your parents' plan or whatever. Yeah, I guess. Since you a kid, yeah. You don't have it now? No. That's crazy. You know how much money I've saved, not having it?

You're just throwing money away every month. You're not wrong. You're rolling the dice, though. Does the baby have it? The baby's got to have it. Are you just paying retail? You might just be paying retail. No.

The baby's got to have it. Your wife forgot the baby health care for sure. Maybe, maybe. Yeah, that's crazy Is that illegal? You're in what? What? Do not have it?

Yeah. I don't think so. I mean, I think you're paying the bills. I wouldn't tell Mondami. Well, when's the last time? You've been to the hospital. You got to switch. No, you're not wrong.

Oh, you do? I didn't. We just, we got health insurance through the company. All these fucking bozos. Really? You got it through the company? Wow, that's very impressive. We take care of the boys.

Wow. The boys are very well compensated. A real corporation here. They are. Wow. It's also not a bad tax. I don't know if at the end of the year, and I can throw it in her face whenever I want. It's United, isn't it?

Do we have United? I got the best plant because I was having the baby. Luigi one. That was United Healthcare. Oh, was it? Yeah. Shit. push for tests that I probably don't need.

Whoa. Do fake symptoms, the whole nine yards. Just had a stress test. You like it a little bit. I just like to know, you know what I mean? I guess. I'm so bad, so out of shape and fat and old and gross. Have you gotten any crazy diagnosis?

A small penis. All right. No, everything's been clean. I got a little, my endoscopy was a little bit of barrens esophagus, but nothing to worry about. Colonoscopy clean, heart, a little blockage. That's it. All right. Man, that's it.

So you're okay. Yeah, I'm all right. I mean, you know, we got to keep him fucking. Yeah, I keep him alive here. I check and then to do bad stuff and then, you know, when I go back and they say you're okay, I'm like, I'm sweet. Yeah, but he's not good because he gets like a clean report card and goes, I can fuck up the rest of the semester. You know what I got A's. I'll level out with a C.

It's no good for you go to the gym. They eat a cake after, you know, because you feel good about going. This was like a year ago. I asked my cardiologist just from the, you know, back in the day doing blow and stuff like that. I was like, what kind of damage long term does that do to your heart? And he was like, he's like in the moment, like if your heart's a little clogged and you do it, you could have a heart attack. Yeah.

He's like, but long term after the fact, it's not that bad. All right. So we got that going for us. We split a bag, me and him. Yeah. Hunter Biden's kicking ass. He's out there. It looks pretty good, too.

So does RFK. Yeah. Heroin addict. Yeah. RFC. Oh, yeah. Hardy. See him in the jeans?

He's like 75 or something. See? Got to do drugs. Everybody's on tea. You got to tee up. Everybody's on tea. Tea them up. Yeah.

We did something very fancy. We both joined Equinox. Whoa. For the snack bar. You guys have changed. What happened? Trying to get healthy, man. You go to the rec center.

Be smart. We did it for a month because we're shooting something in about a month. We wanted to tighten up a little. All right. Good luck getting out of that one. That is a tough contract. Dude, they're hitting me up every day about this, that, and the other thing. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it's like college. While we stopped going two weeks ago There's no ass in the steam room I bounced But that's not that's faint You go there The fucking the towels all smell like You live this

It's like that's when I go The other half is live The other side of the rich people of New York The world are living in very refined Very different life lifestyle Well you know gays don't go to heaven But they got Equinox And it's just as good

I mean holy shit in there Smells good The steam room is a hookup factory. The broads, my God, the broods. Unbelievable. But a smoothie in there is $18. Jesus. And we wanted to get him that one day.

And you said, no, we went to a juice generation. It was upstairs. Yeah. I go get mine on a street. I go to the bodega to get my room. I love the guy at the gym, upstairs, though. I was so mad when I got there and there was stairs. Like, what the fuck?

Elevator at the gym. We stand out, though, for sure. We're not. We got bad gear. He's on the eucalyptus, sir. He's on the elliptical smoking. He's on the ice cream truck. They're not as judgmental as I thought.

We did do good for a little bit, but then I had one bad day where I locked myself out of the locker. And it was brutal. Damn. Brutal. Nobody would help me looking at me funny. Damn. Yeah, it sucked.

Getting humiliated the lockers all over again. Like high school. I gave me swirl. He was a whole thing. What's that? $3.50 a month? No. See, this is the common misconception.

Yeah, fucking. It's not as exclusive as it was. No, I mean, we're in there. Sure. Two people have made a career off being fat dirtbags who smoke and drink. Right. The baseline entry is like we can just use the one in the neighborhood with like no classes, no package. It's like 150 or 119 or something.

Maybe it was closer to two. I don't know. Get a check on that. But we can't go during prime time hours. If there's a certain amount of hot chicks in there, we can't commit. And we have to mop up at night with the cleaning staff. Okay, got it. You go off peak.

Yeah. No, we're, it's, we're, I'm a, I'm a citizen there. I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, you're an American. 210 to 255 for a single location. No way. Or is that on the website? That's, yeah, I mean, that's Google.

No, you're bad on Google. Go to the web. I say it's one something among. Mine was like three, I think. No, yeah. Charged about a pound. All right, let's see here. What else we got?

I go rec center. I got the guy of the black socks, the old man. I don't, I would go. I mean, we did. There's one. Two blocks away, so it was like, it was easy to do while we were here. Rexenters and night, they play pickleball on the basketball court. The one time you get the ghetto black guy and then there's like a weird old Puerto Rican guy who's like 50,

and they both play music and they hate each other. Yeah. And it's fun to watch because I'm in the middle like, look at you idiots. Because this guy's like, hey, it ain't your gym. Turn the music down. The other guy's like, what ain't your gym? And they just stared at each other. Like with the speaker, I had the speaker going.

Just speaker. I got the salsa music and then the rap music and they just play it at each other. That wouldn't fly at Equinox. No, it's a good point. No Puerto Ricans there. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes. Gang, it's March, and that includes International Women's Day,

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crazy no no insurance dad no insurance or helped no car insurance either what that that i tried to sign up once it was it it was confusing and i gave up is your your license might be suspended you that that's a good it's good because mine got suspended for i turned my car in and something happened with the state and they thought i had a car with no insurance and they suspended my license whoa yeah holy moly and And they take the car after you get pulled over. Oh, no. They bring you in.

Yeah, he's locked up. We talked, we asked a cop the other night. Really? Yeah. Oh, boy. He's like, you can get locked. He's like, it's like, it's like, it depends. Oh, then someone, we were talking about it.

And he was like, nah, not really. And someone's like, we look for that because that's easy paperwork. Well, please, help me out. I don't know how to sign up. I can't do it. For car insurance? Yeah, it's a lot of pages and call the general. Jargon.

I mean, listen, I did it through Geico and I've added cars and gotten new cars and, like, change cars it's you can do it in an app it's like oh really all right yeah i did it i'm the dumbest person i'm the dumbest person i try in his defense your license is currently suspended that's true it is good point yeah so all right right and dirty yeah same um all right let's see here uh this one's from throb blow 20 dollar money laundering never have one read deer waste management is a garbage store dress shoes in crown royal bags my dad does this with every pair of shoes he's had for as long as i can remember. That's pretty, I mean, because nice shoes come in a bag. True. Isn't that interesting? It's the opposite of cereal. Wow. Serial, good cereals at a box. But a bag in the box. True. But if it's

just a bag, you're doing horrible. You're jammed on. It's kind of like death. You want to be in a coffin, not a body bag. Very true. Uh-huh. Somebody write that down. And cut this. Are you going to get cremated or you want to be buried? Bear, well... You have a will? How about that? No, do I have a will? I don't have insurance. Yeah.

This guy hasn't signed his name in 10 years. Yeah, exactly. No will, I haven't thought about it. I should, though. The way I'm living. Yeah, you think? You're a homeowner, you got a kid? Plus, these planes are dropping out of the air left and right.

That's true. That's true. And we got a World War III maybe on the horizon. But the plane thing, if that happens, everyone's getting paid, so you're good. My best case scenario is if we get in a plane, crash and I get taken out. So our plan is if he dies on earth, like on the ground, I got a weekend at Bernie him onto a plane and hope that plane crashes so he gets paid by Delta. There you go.

I like it. You're like a million bucks for that. There you go. Don't go spirit because they have a weight fee. Do they? Yeah. I'll be putting you in the overhead. 50 pounds or more.

50 pounds or more. Yeah, you should get a will. I don't have one. But I mean, it just defers your wife would get everything. I bet I could chat GBT a will. Sure. easily. Yeah.

What do you mean? To have it done? They do everything. And then you just print it out and if you sign it. It's got to be notarized, isn't it? I got a clamp. You do? Yeah, I'll hit it with a maker's mark.

A little bit of wax. Yeah, a little stamp on there. In the house of Norman. That's funny. But do you want to be cremated or buried? Oh, well, cremate is nice because there's no hassle. And it's cheaper, too. It's cheaper.

My dad had to bury my mom and his sister was like, get a good coffin. And he's like, this is like $13,000 for this coffin. So we put them in an old... Crown Royal bag. There you go. Big Crown Royal bag. And in New Orleans, it's weird too right. Don't you have to be buried above ground down there?

Yeah, because of the flooding. And the voodoo. That shit's creepy. I don't like that. Creepy. You know what you would want to be buried? You know, I don't want to be buried. The rent's too high.

That's put me in the New Orleans dirt. There you go. I respect that. But the cremated. What do you think? I'm cream. I want to get cream at it. Because I don't, I want to want to still be at somebody's house. Oh, on the mantle.

Yeah, for sure. I'm going to left alone like an asshole. That's a good point. I'm going to your house. No, you're not. You're getting a little piece of me. Now, a little broken. Keep you here.

That's pretty good. That's not bad. Keep you here. I like that. Put it right on the shelf. Yeah. What about you? Box or bag?

Frozen. Frozen. Freeze my head. I would like to be, and I would, I would like to be. And I would like to be buried in, I believe, like, you know, standard burial. But I also want to do an Irish wake. Ideally, get patties on second half. So you, what is that?

You get drunk? No, they just lay me down. Like, they lay the dead body on the pool table. And everybody does shots around me. He'll crack it. Wait a minute. Put quarters on your eyes. Yes.

Whoa. To pay the boat man. That's dark. You never seen that on Irish wake? I thought it was a myth. I thought it was like a movie thing. No, no, no. They used to do that back in the day.

For days, probably smelled in there. Sure. Put me in a walk. That's pretty good. You know what I mean? That's not bad. I'm holding beers for everybody. Slap your dick one last time.

Frankie Garbonne in there. That's funny. I've always said a funeral is like you cannot hide the trashiness of a family or a person at a funeral. It's like it's more indicative indicative than a wedding

because like the outfits, the emotions, where it is. It's just you have less time to prepare too. Right. It's like, oh, it's this Friday. You're like, all right. Yeah. It is strange at a funeral you wear a suit to because it's a depressing day.

You should dress shitty. You should have like stains on your sweatpants. Yeah, I'm so sad. I couldn't put a suit on. I'm depressed. Everybody's moping around. Yeah, my funeral, dressed down. That's pretty good.

A wedding I get, but a funeral, come on. I want crocs and like a tank top. Seeing trashy people cry is something else too. Sure. I mean some guy with a mullet crying you never saw cry before. Right. Yeah. When they break down,

Woo-wee. Yeah, good point. One of the early AIG question, I remember we got it at the stress factory. It was like, one of our early shows was like, is it garbage to take your family photo at a funeral? And they do it because that's everybody's dressed up. Oh. So that's like the only time when everyone's dressed up together. That's garbage.

It'll be like people's Christmas card. Right. Out front of Nana's fucking funeral. It's kind of brilliant. I mean, you're killing two birds. I don't hate it. I respect it. All right, let's see here.

This one's from the bug man. $14.50 homie north of the border, how you doing? I'm getting jammed up on that conversion rate. Never have one read. Are you garbage if you use all your sick days after putting in your two weeks notice at work? That's how you do it. Say it again? You use your sick.

You put in your two weeks notice and then you go, oh, by the way, I'm using my five sick days. Oh, so you only work one week. Oh, that's brilliant. That's this guy. That's it. Especially if it's like a big corporation. Yeah. Not using your sick days is nuts.

That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. The thing that I always thought, the last, like, corporate job I had was at a law firm, and you acquire the sick days. Like you, like, if you get whatever, say you got, you acquired your sick and vacation days. So say you got five sick days a year and two weeks vacation. Every month you would earn like 0.25 days or whatever. Got it.

More. More. No. Like, you started zero. Oh, what the? And then, like, after the first couple of weeks, yeah, you acquire them. So you don't have them all in one shot. Whoa. It's all.

It sucks. I was always having to borrow days and be like, I got three days, but I want to take five. Can you let me do? What do you got? Wait, from other people? No, no, no, from there. But you always had to ask of, like, hey, can I borrow two days? I get two days on the front.

Damn. It's like a loan. You got to ask for a loan to get the money. Then you give it back, I guess, later. Yeah, or like, as you acquire them, they just take them back away from them. I've never had a job that I have. had anything like that. Me neither.

Like paid vacation or sick days or bonuses or anything like that. Never. I had casual Friday once. That was about it. We had that. Yeah? Yeah. That was the most corporate job I ever had.

I always worked like real small businesses. And so we had that. And then our bonuses were Amex gift cards. I remember this. But you got hooked up with those. So there was this big, it was a big wall firm and they had all, they all had corporate cards. And they, I mean, it was like crazy.

They were there, like, loaded. So they, They would get $50 gift cards, and then I would get, they would give those out, depending on, like, how you worked, I guess. So I would get $800 right before Christmas in all. I would get $1,000 gift cards to Amex that you can spend wherever you can spend Amex. And man, me and him, get those. That was a good, do it. Hit a deli, hit a hot bar.

Six for everybody, six packs here. Got buying a bottle of liquor. Fantastic. It was like the fucking tax check came. It was great. One time, this is the highlight of my life, I got a gift, like one of those prepaid visas. So they're like, oh, this has 50 bucks on. I was like, hey, fun.

It's not like a gift car where you can only use it at Old Navy. Sure, it's like wherever they accept visa. So it must have had a glitch because it never ran. It's like, it would just keep running it. And I'd be like, approved. Hey, all right. You go to Chipotle and it would run. And I think I used that thing for about nine years.

No shit. You couldn't go over 50, but it would keep doing 50. But you would keep doing 50. Yeah. I must have a glitch in it. And, man, I bought a lot of drinks. That's all right. Good time.

Wives, gifts, everything. Wait, do you wife's gifts? You were doing this recently. Yeah, yeah. Also, but you're buying your gift, wife's, your wife gives under $50. Yeah, you got that right. A bunch of little things. Big stocking stuff for guys.

I spoil it. Well, this is how trashy I am. I keep the car to my drawer at my desk. You never know what it might work. Just in case it reactivates. And it gave me so much joy. I'm like, I'm keeping you right here. I expected.

That was like if you got the spice channel, you never changed the channel. You just hold it. And you're like, we're riding this out till the fucking power goes out. You don't tempt fate. So true. Do you keep your old credit cards? I imagine you do. No, I'm not a, I only have a one debit.

I'm a debit guy. Oh my God, that's right. Because credit, you can get two that can get you into trouble. You start buying a golf clothes and shit. You got that right, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. This is all credit.

This guy's got health care on an AMAC. Exactly. You just have your debit card. Debit, because it takes it right out of account. It's real money. Credit's all. fake bullshit and then they get you. I would love to see what you spend a month.

I bet it's probably under 300 bucks. I'm big cash guy, so you don't even know what I'm buying. Really? I'm under the table. Ah, I like that. Yeah. Spot pay? Spot pay, a lot of spot pay. You're not going to the ATM because you got spot pay.

No, no, no, walking around money. And then my openers, I ask for cash at the theater. And I give them cash. At the theater? Or club, whatever. The theater's giving you cash. I love that. They do.

They give you a couple grand and cash. be asked for it. Really? Yeah, but watch out if you're in Vegas. Say bye to that. Oh, sure. At the table. Titty bar, yeah. I thought you meant getting robbed or something. No, no, no. Jesus.

Okay. What do you usually have on you? What do you got on you right now? $200. I think I'm doing all right. We can count it. Let's go. Let's go ahead. You got to make a guess. Can we get a glimpse? Can we get a glimpse? No glimpse. No glimpse. Let me ask you this. He really is co-host in this show. Was this your, you worked today? You did the podcast. earlier?

Yep. Okay. What do you got tonight? Two shows. Two spots in the city. And New York. Are you going to dinner or anything like that? Nah, who are you talking to?

I'm going to eat in the cellar and get a free wing. My man. All right. I'm going to say you got 300 on you. I'm going to say 540. Whoa. Good skateboard trick. Yes.

All right. We'll see. Oh, look at that. A hundred. There's a couple. I see it. Also, is it in? It's not in order.

COVID-Vax card. Dry cleaners. Dry cleaning. Movie tick. Is this Uma therma? Umma, umma, umma, Jury. All right, there's two. You can keep that.

Thank you. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, Hondo. Woo. Hondo's on the back. Oh, hundreds. Nine hondo. I just got back from Vegas. You have only hundreds and ones?

Hundreds and ones? That's crazy, dude. Well, I got a gig and I did a strip club. If that's not the duality of Mark Norman, I got hundreds and I got ones. So that was, that never got to the house. That was just in your wallet. Yeah, but I will drop this off later. What was on that?

12? What was that? I think it was 12 and... It's 12.07. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. And I took Sally to a diner for lunch today. Oh. Sally Cues.

Very nice. Wow. So there you go, folks. Not bad. That's paid from Vegas. Yeah. And look, I got a couple more of these and I got one more coffee. Let me see that.

You're fucking crazy. That's the best coffee in New York right there. Buy five drinks, get one free. Puerto Rico down there on Bleaker Street. That's right. Very good. They got good coffee. Right across from Percy's pizza.

That's right. Love Percy. We were used to. We were a village rats for a very long time. Yes, we were. Oh, this is this puppy. You'll get you out of some tickets. Sure.

2020. That day expire every year. Man, you really do like a deal. You're like my mom with Coles. You have any colds cash on it? I got some chuggy cheese bucks in here. All right. This was the best part of my week.

Here we go. This should be a segment. I got your 2023 PBA. Hell yeah. And the other night. I got this. 2,026. Brand new.

Blue Lives Matter. Yes, sir. Holy shit. Love that. Just love having them. Sure. I don't even know what this is. Coffee club card.

Free guitarless. Oh, you never go. At any participating Sicko station in the Florida area. Cafe latte. Wow, look at that. 50 and get a sub. Obviously, you don't usually carry that much with you.

No. We're really getting in front of this for the robbers. Yeah, he's depositing that later today. Well, you know about my break-in. Sure. Yeah, it took all my cash. My cool guy drawer. I had a drawer with, like, mushrooms in it, some weed, a little handgun, a bunch of cash.

At the new place? No, at the old place. And the guy crawled up my window, opened the drawer, perfect score, walked out. I had a computer, a laptop, a TV, iPad, all this shit. He didn't take any of it. No shit. Just took the cash. Crackhead.

Did he look around? No, because he had crazy footsteps. He had mud on his shoes. So he walked across my bed, which bummed me out. And then he went right, you could see the steps. It went right to the drawer and took all the cash, left in. I had fireworks in there, a playboy. That sounds like an inside job to me.

He went right for the drawer? Well, they caught the guy. Okay. Yeah, it was like a weird. Lever. The big dog, we love you, buddy. The bed was still not broken. But, yeah, he took everything and then skedaddled.

Have they catch him? Fingerprint. Jesus, really? They did old school dusting and they caught the guy like three months later of robbing another apartment. No kidding. Yeah. You get the money back?

No, it's cat. Cash. I would have spent that night. No, we find anything. You ever find anything? Nope. No. Holy shit.

Wow, that's, yeah, that, that would bug me out. Yeah, I can't do that. Very violating. I don't even like being in here alone at night. Oh, never gets me creepy. I locked the door. Creepie. The fire escapes.

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This is from T. Burton, never have one read. Is it garbage when someone says they almost invested in something that later became a big thing? Oh, that's a great one. That is a dirt. That's a great one, man.

I almost got into fucking, I had a buddy's dad. I don't know, you might not know them maybe from doing the road so much. Rita's water ice. They're huge in like Jersey, Philly, Delaware. They've expanded a bunch.

How do you water and ice? You pick one. Do you know what? We call it it's a Philly thing, water ice. It's like shaved ice. We call water ice type of Philly. You don't know Reidas? That sounds like something an Asian guy would say.

He's trying to order it somewhere. He's trying to order it somewhere. He'd love her readers. Reis is great. I love it ice. Good Italian ice, but we call it water ice. It sounds like the Coast Guard. Water ice.

They're out there popping people coming into the country. All right, sorry. That's pretty good. And he was like, I had it. I could have got in for 12 grand. I could have got into Readers before it blew up. And it was like, that's, that, I'd be like owning a Wawa in Philly.

It was like the prize. And I used to tell people, I go, my buddy, you know, Justin. Almost got in on it. That's a great one. I do a version of that all the time where, because I was in high school in 94 and everybody would Yahoo. Like, I just would have invested in Yahoo. Yeah, but you do like if I just, like, you didn't, I mean, you didn't know who.

For one, you'd have any money. No. I didn't even know what it was. But if you just would have invested in that, you'd be all right now. And that's what they call it. you. Look at this fucking got it. It's also everybody, every dirt bag he had to grow up.

If we could just get the next Facebook, he dropped out of Harvard. And you're like, yeah, because he didn't need it anymore. I know. He became a billionaire. Apple was a big one. Apple stock. No one did it. Scrub daddy.

He would invent it to scrub daddy. You'd be killing it, man. Sam loud. Don't get you started. Squatty potty. That guy got a little trouble. Those guys usually end up on a sharp thing. He did?

Yeah. I figured you would have known that. That's right up Norman's topical alley. Cameras in the squatty potty. pornography of not the cool kind. Wow, that's crazy. Oh, hold on. I had something.

I lost it. Did you ever have a... Oh, yeah. I got it back. Sorry. Yeah. Speaking of trashy shit like that. I checked it on a friend today or the other day.

Lives on a houseboat. We were just talking about it. I want to do the key... I want to do Tom Dustin's club and I want to stay on a houseboat. Oh, that's a dream. Where's the boat at? Where's the park? That's a big thing.

It's on the Gulf. It's like outside New Orleans. Okay. That's cool. Pretty cool, but it's got to wear thin a little bit. Depends where you are. You're doing that in Cleveland on the Great Lakes. That's bad news.

San Fran, you get away with that down of Florida. You could do that. Yeah, maybe Flint, Michigan. They got good water there. My aunt had one. That's crazy to me. By the Borgata. Whoa.

You can't do that over the winter, though. It's freezing. Instead of getting a room at the Borgata, she would stay on the boat and just gamble at the Borgata, unless she got a room. Damn. Was she single? She was widowed. Oh, did he fall off?

He drowned. I drowned. Damn. Ended up sinking. The boat? Yeah. Oh, she's a bigger girl. Did you visit?

No, I ever went. I was never invited. I dig that. That'd be cool and shit. I think it'd be, like, in theory, it would be fun. I think there would be something like, you know, after a while, wildly depressing of, like, getting off land onto your home every day. Eventually, you shoot yourself.

You got, I want to say. Ornacles on your house and shit that, you know. Is he a comic? No, no, no. He's like a fish guy. He's like a wild, what do you call those? Recreation dudes. I like that.

If that is your lifestyle, like, you know, I know a couple of kids from South Jersey where they're like first mates and stuff like that on like fishing boats. Yeah. Where it's like, that's their life is like, yeah, they live on and buy the docks. Oh, I couldn't do it. Like below deck. That'd be cool. Oh, that's a fun times.

But you ever done a cruise? Yeah. Yeah. We did a cruise together. Yeah, sorry. I blacked out. But you just look out of that porthole and it's just nothing but fucking uncharted waters. It makes you go crazy.

You want to like kill your wife. It's like stir crazy. When we pulled the way, I was having like a real existential crisis of like I'm just stuck out here. Yeah. Oh yeah. And like I really had to like talk. And we were like one of the first shows on whatever we were doing. We were like the first hour.

And I was just like, oh man, this is weird. It's really moving. It's freaking me out. We're gone for the next four days. Yep. I don't know. And it's a mind fun. The worst about a cruise, you bomb on a cruise.

You walk around the cruise. You got to eat everyone. They saw it. It's like you live with these people now. They're in your neighborhood. They're giving you tags and shit. Yeah. But the soft serve.

Like what do you? What was that one bit? My dream was to be a cruise guy like a cruise comic. But then I found out all the rules. You can't like look up with the guests and shit like that. Yeah. Yeah. You stay like.

Below deck. You stay below deck. Right. You don't eat in the common area. It's like you're like, you know, you're like, you know, it's like, you know, slave quarters a little. Right. Right. What's the point?

If you can't hook up with the guests. I know. Yeah. Pants run in the seal. Pineapple. I'm fun. Bucid. Pinole. I did like a cruise, though.

I was anti-well-documented on the show. It's a good time. Burt's was great. It's fun. You need the right, I did the Joker's crew as though. It was a little wholesome. Sure. The Burt one was wild.

That was fun. We were gambling every day. I have a great photo of us at a craps table. Let me see it. I'll find it. We're all wearing Hawaiian shirts and we are, we're all wearing sunglasses. We're slumped over. We look rough.

Oh, I remember that. We were all fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Over to the left-hand side. Yeah, we were fucked up. I was losing so much fucking money. We were playing that dumb game.

I was getting it advanced because they could put it on your room. Oh, man. I spent in that city and everything we made, I was just losing. Same, same. It was brutal. What was the game we were playing? It was like red light, green light or something stupid. It was a red rover.

Yeah, that's a, that was a good time. That was a great time. Just drinking. And the shows were actually solid. The shows were, everything was better than I thought. And then we had that little, Everybody's where he you guys stayed up there in the fucking you know in the captain suite That was a nice little palatial hang got lucky my manager booked the whole thing so she got me a nice little

That was very nice yeah we were down there with the Italians man yikes we were fucking no we had it we had it was nice decent It was nice stay together same bed There's a lot of action going on in that cruise too oh yeah with the upside down pineapples and swingers Apparently there was like a little message board oh yeah they all like all meet up on Facebook of like Like, hey, I'm about that lifestyle. Let's meet at this bar. We'll all swing and stuff like that. How do I get into that?

Tough as a fat guy, I guess. You got to have a chick or something. Unless you can find a fat chick. But, yeah, that's a thing. You're a thing. You're a thing. You're a thing. You know, successful podcaster, actor, TV personality.

Very true. Something about those waters. You get that boat on the water and women get a little more uninhibited. Yeah, maybe that's why the houseboat works. Oh. You just, you know, you just need to get it over the edge a little bit. Good point. Get off.

Hey, get off land. Everything's wacky out here. Something clicks. Yeah. Yeah. We could go down at any minute. Yeah. It's like a plane. That's why I'm always horny on planes.

Are you? No. I mean, oh, I'm not, not. That home will get me going. I've had to hide some boners for sure. Oh, yeah. I got a boner immediately on a plane. I don't know what that is.

Oh, man. Huh. Well, we're a couple of freaks. You ever have the nudity on a plane? You're watching the movie and there's a nude scene. You're like, oh, that's right? We were flying to Rochester, whatever, a couple of months or two ago. I'm in, I'm in 1A, right?

He's in 1B, because it's the time. tiny little guy. It's the one and then two up front. Got it. Got it. So we always get those, you know, that's like the best seat in the house. That's the best seat. You got a window seat and an aisle seat. That's all I need in life. No neighbor. And the aisle. I can look out the window. I can pee. I can do it as I'm sure. It's a four minute flight. But still. I like, I like, oh, this is just like a car. I'm like, oh, this is just like a car. You don't even get up high. No. And you're just like above the, you're like, this is like a car right above the high of that we're coasted them they stop hitting the gas like that's true but uh this woman

next to me older and she had a like she was in very good shape older yeah 60 maybe okay and she had a blouse like a sweater rich lady rich lady like like nice tight jeans a button up sweater and like nothing under the sweater she should have had a blouse under this but didn't have anything and i could see through the butt and just her lace oh dude and i was like i love a lace bra i was fixated on this fucking. But it's still bangable. Oh, I mean,

60. That's a, Ted Danson's wife. Mary Steenberg. Yes, very similar to her even, like past, you know,

before. Wow. Okay, okay. Yeah, not now. I like an old bro. Oh, buddy, right on my wheelhouse.

Jamie Lee Curtis, I've always had a crush. Oh, well, we saw her tits growing up. Yeah. And then what's the, what's the one where she's, come closer to the bed?

Rust eyes are, right? Yeah, blowout, I think. No. With Chervulta. And then you see her, Trading places.

Yes. Pull that up if you can. I want to see that later. I'm out of my phone. I forgot. They're perfect tits. She's all right. I don't love the short hair,

but what are you going to do? I love the short hair. It's funny. I didn't know where you were going with that, with the flight thing. I didn't either. I thought there was a guy like reading a hustler next year. No, but I was just like...

Oh, the porn thing. The porn and you got the hum of this little, small jet going. I got these side boob going. I got him behind me breathing on my neck. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why the, what do you call it? One Mile High Club?

What's it called? The mile high club. What's it called? That's the door he takeable. A mile high club. That's it. That's why that exists because you get something going. How does that work?

I know a friend that did it. I could barely fit in there myself. You're in there jerking all. Doors still open. Hit the wall with your hand. Doof, doof, do, do, do, do. Well, the thing is they did some study. You can look this up there, Fannie.

The plane makes your emotions go up. That's why you cried or moved on a plane. Yeah, so 9-11 must have been wild. Just you're like, ah, God. Hard crying. Yeah. So I think you get horned up, too, more. Everything is heightened.

Well, it's like fate. You're like, this is, you know, even if you're not afraid to fly, there's still this, you know. Yeah. You know, something, primal thing in you. 100%. I just got hungry. Uh-huh. Over what?

On the airplane. Oh, you just get home. I think you said, I just got hungry. What else is new? Like a stanza? Well, it is 515. You ever do that at the Mile High Club? No, I never did.

Do you jerk off on a plane? I have. once. In the thing or at the seat? Is it an helicopter? The helicopter's great. You shoot it right out the door. Sucks it right up. I did the jerk off once because Fitzsimmons does it every flight. A lot of guys do it a lot. I think Pete Holmes did it a good amount.

Wow. So it got my head. A lot of guys do it. In the bathroom. In the bathroom. Yeah. So, yeah, the bathroom I did it once. And I've only shit on a plane twice because it was an emergency. But that ain't fun. Yeah, I've done it once or twice. I never go to the bathroom on a plane. Oh, I pee every time. time. I pee a hundred times. I'll get up four times. Easy. And if you're, you know, putting them back. I hold it. Really? It's crazy, dude. Why? I think it absorbs.

I can have 17 drinks and I just don't, don't, don't, don't pee. It absorbs back in them. We'll be in here for like eight hours. We'll pee one time. We should do a tech because I was a bedwetter. So my dad made me stretch my bladder. My, I can not pee for hours. It's crazy. It's like an old school remedy. Like, he's like, your bladder's too small. You pee in the bed. Stretch it out. So you can. day he would like make you drink water water no piss jeez but i see oh yeah he's boot camp i you gotta check isn't that emotional is it's all trauma yeah i had a lot of trauma yeah me too i used to pee like really oh dude i rubber sheets i remember yeah we had plastic sheets so we didn't ruin the

fucking bed so much and uh yeah exactly and then i remember i remember the noise it made it was a monitor and it hooked up to my underwear i had this too and it would if it got Pussy, pussy, pussy. Tiny dick, tiny dick. Well, mine shorted out. I peed all over. I got a short circuit of it. And it was supposed to wake you up.

I guess you didn't roll in it, but, like, you still pee. It didn't stop you from peeing. It didn't stop you. I didn't get it. I never fucking. It was supposed to train you to go, oh, I have to pee or I'm peeing. Get up. Right.

But it didn't work. That's funny. Yeah, it is all emotional. Yeah. What was your trauma? Uh, all right. No, no, no. I had to think about it.

I mean, parents did. Get dinner one time at 9 o'clock. Freaked up. Equinox is closed My dino nuggets weren't done No I get parents divorce That bit of a psychopath That'll do it

That'll do it Well you turned out all right I mean you seem pretty well adjusted I'm pretty nuts Okay Especially in the mornings You'd be a crude man Ah

Oh get over in Oh boy What was your trauma I think the break-ins We had a lot of break-ins In the house It freaked me out Trieked me out

Saw a couple guys Breaking in Saw a guy run out Run through my lawn with a TV under his arm. And I was a kid. I bumped into this guy. I was home alone in this bad neighborhood.

And this big dude was like, oh, hey. And I was like, hey, how are you? Because I was just a gullible seven-year-old. And he's like, where's your dad at? And I'm like, oh, I'll go find him for you. You were in the house? I was in the house.

We talked, me and the robber. I bumped into a guy breaking into our house. And he goes, where's your dad? That guy playing it pretty. He played it pretty smooth. He played it. Hey, where's your dad at? I'm here to look at the toilet.

Yeah. A little buddy, good to see you. Yeah, he switched it on me, and he's like, I'm a worker, I'm a worker. And I was like, oh, okay, like he was working on the house. And I bought it completely. And I said, oh, let me go find him for you, sir. And I ran out to go find my dad. I was like, dad, dad.

And I look out the window in the second floor, and he's running through the backyard with a TV. Oh, shit. Yeah, and I was like, how about that? I didn't get it for a second. I told my mom later, she was like, whoa. Your dad must have been pissed. Oh, he was pissed. He's like, you let the TV go.

That's fantastic, dude. Good times. Yeah. That's why I pee the bed. I haven't in a while, though, just so everybody out there knows. Same. I had a guy called in my house one time when I was maybe like 11, and I wasn't thinking anything, and he started asking me about my mom's birthday.

He's the guy, I work with your mom. We're going to get her a present. And he's like, what kind of underwear does she wear? I don't even think about it. I know this guy. I don't know. And he's like, she wore wearing like panties, and I'm like, panties. I don't know.

And then I yelled for my mom, and she picked up the phone. She was like, what? I didn't freak the fuck out. Yeah. It was like a purve? Yeah, it was a perv. Whoa. That's pretty, I guess how I mean.

That was pretty victimless. I guess you're getting a little freaked out. Did he pinpoint your mom? That's the scary part. Was it a rando? No, he has, I think it was around my mom's birthday, too. Oh, that's weird. Then you start wondering, who the fuck is this guy?

Yeah, some creep roller. That's an inside job. Probably my dad. That's how he gets off. Hey, fat is. That's kind of healthy. Thinking about it. Yeah, a little role play.

Yeah. Put me in the middle of it. What the fuck? Keep it spicy. I know it turns me on talking to little boys about panties. It was bad. I remember then I'd have like sleepo. I'd be like sleep at over my buddy's house.

Even like way past of me peeing my pants. Yeah. And my dad would be like, don't forget to, like I call my daddy. Like don't forget to go to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm fucking 18, jerk off. Oh. That's embarrassing. Not to like in front of my friends, but like on the phone.

He'd be like, don't for, you know. I call like, hey, can I sleep at Henry's house? Pee in the bed and the sleep over. I don't think that's ever happen. I would stay up sometimes. Dramatic. You've done that? Yeah, a couple times.

One time I wet the bed, I was sleeping on like a little cot at my friend's house. I wet the bed, I wake up, and the mom is, they're all standing above me, looking at me. Because they could see the piss. Like you're on an operating table. Yeah, and I was like, oh, hey. Breakfast ready? Yeah, my friend goes, why do you do that? And I was so crying.

And the mom goes, get up, get up, because she had to clean it. So she was like furious. She was a single mom. What a bitch? She was a British cunt. And she was like, give him a little compassion. Yeah, and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. You know, you just wet, you know.

Oh, it's brutal. They give you a change of clothes or? Yeah, I got a change. I got like a bathing suit. We're in a dress or something. We're in the wedding dress. We're in the dad's old clothes or something. That's a big suit.

Yeah. Man, that's fucking brutal. Yeah, it's brutal. But I would stay up too like a war guy. You know, you're like, I'm on stakeout. I'll watch the line, boys. I'll watch the line. Yeah.

Drop all night. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, I ruined a couple wrestling buddies. I mean, I peed a lot. Sure. Then it was weird because as I started drinking, no friends of mine ever really peed.

I was the only, like, as kids that peed to bed. And then as I started drinking, you know, people get drunk and pee and whatever, like blackout, wake up and start peeing on, like, the TV or something. I never did that, but all my friends who didn't pee the bed as kids all started peeing as adults. What? Like, you know, they'd pee the bed, they'd get fucked up and pee the bed. Yeah, yeah, drunk out. You didn't do it?

When I blacked out, I would pee all over again. Never. They, like, triggered it again. I think I peed in my dirt, my clean clothes one time in college. Okay. I remember standing there and then like the next morning they were all like damp and I'm like, I think I peed in the, like I thought it was the toilet. Right.

So I just threw them right back in the wall. They were already in the hamper. No one night stand piss? I did that a few times. I was like R. Kelly. Oh, pee in the bed after a one night stand. Yeah, then you wake up and she's like, oh. Like I bummed her out at night and in the day.

Yikes. I remember one, I had, I was at this girl's house. I pooped. Dude, not in the bed, but in her bathroom, but it was connected. It was like in her room. Small room, bathroom in the room. And I was just in there. After in the morning, I'm in there.

Like, it was one of those things where I'm like, in my head, I'm like, I got to get out of this house. But I'm like, there's nothing around here. Right. I'm going to end up shitting my pants. I'm not going to make it out the front door. I would have shit my pants. It was a Jeff Daniels. Yeah.

I'm turning the shower on. I got the fucking, I got the sink going. bang and start. Was she awake? Oh, yeah. I think she did the right thing and acted like she was sleeping. Oh, yeah.

You ever see her again? Yeah. Really? It's his wife. Love you, honey. Oh, man. Yikes. You just had to go that bed.

Yeah, it was just like I was drinking all night. We probably had like cheese fries and pizza. You know, she wasn't the skinniest gal around. Oh, well, she gets it. She's had a couple of... She split a meatball parm. at 3 a.m. After the board. I was at a wedding one time

And we all got a big house and stayed there And somebody's younger cousin was there Got all fucked up And she crawled in the bed with like One of her cousins and her husband And shit and threw up in the bed Why they were all sleeping And the husband woke up and was like, what the fuck?

How young? She was maybe probably in college or something like that Oh, that's not that young Yeah, it was brutal Oh, it was a talk of brunch Sure Yeah I remember one time The last time

This is when I was like I'm done sleep like we were in college we went up to the Poconos and like we all got a house are all like fuck that's the best group of us and I'm like It was like I was like in the I don't know one of the rooms that had a queen size bed And like I went up and passed out and my buddy Pat

I woke up and he was in bed with me Like we're just drunk like you know what I mean I woke up and he had a girlfriend at the time I don't know if she was like living or whatever But like he woke he was like drunk And I was laying in bed and I'm in my boxer briefs Yeah and he's got his finger like in my underwear like in the band like I guess thinking I'm his girlfriend or something

and I'm like just like lightly slap I don't know what's happening I got a headache that's great I'm on the rag honey you got a shade I'm like dude finally get the fuck over he's got I didn't know what was happening I didn't think you might have felt a tough to crack hair you got back there Jesus Christ also a shitting and and puking in a bed as well that's like a speedball yeah I've done it recently shit the bed. No.

From a Zepbound, yeah. You won't shit on a plane? You shit in a bed? I can't shit on a plane. It's too small. Oh, it's too small. Yeah. Plus, I come out there.

It's gonna be everyone's got it. Oh, good point. Bad news. But this goes back to how do you get in there with the lady? You could do it. I know, but in my head, I'm like, what if you open the door and someone's just standing there? That's true. No, of course.

Like, there's no way to not have your cover blown. They're gonna know. If someone's there. I think it's got to be the bathroom that's around the corner in the back. Oh, that's what it is. That's what it is. They're not doing it like New York. They're not doing it, JFK to Rochester.

Yeah, not the front one. No. No. Oh, that's all the time you need. I can do it 44 times. There's a video. People got caught. Everyone was waiting for them to come out of the bathroom.

They were all sitting there looking at it. Whoa. That one was fake, but yeah. Oh, okay. Guy who burst the guy's bubble. I'm that guy too. I'm like, do you see this video? Is a girl jizzing or peeing while getting a tattoo?

And everybody's like, that's like, that's so fake. I bought it. I'm buying all that. This kid was lost in the woods And the wolves found him He lived with the wolves The Obama monkey video I thought that was real

I mean it was I'm bad Your stepmom's not stuck in the dryer What fuck? I've seen that one's real Oh that's hot I love stuck porn Yeah

Kippy too I don't lie That's crazy to say I love it I've consumed it Sure That's your thing I would say That's not my thing He likes older ladies

Oh yeah Stuck too Oh Ooh. How old? I got everything else. What do you mean? Huh? Me?

Yeah. 28. No, how old do you like that? I mean, you know, Lisa Ann was a big inspiration early on. Oh, she's great. Yeah, so it's like I think that kind of really drove a lot of that desire. I hear you. I hear you.

Well, now it's weird. I have a kid, so I'm like milfs or peers. You know, they used to be like milfs. And now I'm like, oh, my wife's a milf. You know? It felt different when you were a kid, though. It did. So much older.

I know. And, like, sexier. I don't know what it was. Yeah, they were a little, like, out of shape. The makeup was a little thick. The hair was a little thin. It just worked. Yeah.

That kind of hot trash. Like minivan hot. Amen, sister. I'm picking up what you're putting down. You know, jeans with, like, rhinestones on them. Going out with the girls, hairdresser, being a hygienist. Yes. Some high hair.

High hair. Smoking. Hoop earring. Marlboro lights going. Lipstick on the teeth. A little Bob Seeger. The 90s were awesome I just described my stepmom by the way

A Mickelope White Virginia Slim My ex-stepmom I would not But you thought about it I mean how can you not As a red-blooded man I don't I wouldn't say I thought about it

He was pee in the bed What do you mean? Yeah I was also very young When she came in when I was like 14 I think like Okay okay She was around when I was Six or maybe even younger

Well you know that's the number one porn genre In America is stepsis Because I think we've all had that thought. Yeah, well, it's also like taboo, but it's not wrong. Step mom. It's not illegal. It's not a legal, drowned upon.

It's, yeah. Not to be crude or whatever, but I'm a big stepdad, stepdaughter. That's, I don't like the age. That guy's always got a goatee that's not great. That's true. I'm an older guy, though. He's a grunter. He's got slacks on.

Well, anybody else hard? Let's get on a flight. Welcome back to, are you a creep? All right, let's do a couple more here. Let's see this is from OJ's wife's boyfriend. I don't even get OJ's wife's boyfriend. $10 boner, never had one read. What's the least valuable thing you've ever inherited from a dead relative?

When my grandma died, me and all the grandkids got to pick one beanie baby from her collection that she kept behind glass in her living room for years. Turns out none of them were special edition collectibles, just regular-ass beanie babies. Damn, that's tough. That's trash. I don't think I've ever inherited anything. Same. Yeah.

Nothing. I think a couple bucks. My grandfather left me some Clico stock. That's pretty good. You know, Clico? Calico. No, no, Clico. Look that out.

Give that. Caneco vision? No, that's Calico. I think it's a small energy company in Louisiana. Yeah. Sometimes they get bought out and you can get a paper. You still have it? I think so.

I haven't touched it. I don't know how to do anything with stocks. Is it the metals company? Maybe. Is it out of Louisiana? No, it's out of Canada. Ah, fuck. How long ago was this?

1988. You could be a millionaire. You don't even know it. Maybe. Well, check out. It's C-L-E-C-O. I remember looking at the certificate for like five hours, thinking I was hot shit. Your grandfather.

Yeah. Dad's dad. Mom's dad. Korean War. Really? Yeah, fighter pilot. Kim Jong-un. Those Korean War guys were tough.

Oh, yeah. Trading around $18 right now. Hey. Hey, I got one stock. One share. One share. Give you one share? Yeah, Sonny and share.

So you have 18. bucks. I guess so. It could be worth, right? Even after this much time? Doesn't it build up? Yeah, I mean, it used to be like two bucks. Okay.

I mean, great return on your investment. All right, I made $20. But could there be a thing where it's like, I don't know how it works, but like, if that's like originally issued stock, couldn't that, couldn't they like? Multiply the split and it multiplies. That happens. I'll do a little research on Glico. Please. Now I'm curious.

I remember getting to, I remember finding, I was going away to college. And it's like, it was that. It was just always so bad with money and just a drunk fucking idiot. It was like any money I got, I spent on beer, cigarettes, gambling, whatever. So that summer, I was like, I'm saving up. I'm going to fucking college with five grand. Yeah. DeVry.

Here we come. Come August 1st, I'm leaving in three weeks. I got nothing. Phoenix. Dude, I'm scrounging the house. Looking for stuff I can sell. I'm like, let me sell my snowboard. They sold hockey stick.

I'm going to like, you know, like, what can I, what can I hawk for a couple of bucks here? And I found, like, a treasury bond or something. In my name that I got for my baptism. And I got, like, 350 bucks. Okay. That's something. Blew that before I even got to college.

Sure. Sold a little bit of weed the week leading up to it. There you go. Made a couple, hono. Yeah, a couple savings bonds. Weed is legal. Which is nice, but you can't sell it like you used to. You used to be able to sell some weed, make some extra.

Yeah, that, like, you know, there was hands, not that much, but times in college where I'm like, me and my boys are like, let's get some weed. We'll sell it this weekend. Not that much, but enough. Like, we'll all make a couple hundred bucks. Yep. You know, and survive. I think a lot of people still do go to their guy, you know, their original guys, though. You think?

Look, do you go to, do you have a weed guy? I'm going legal now. See? My guy, I used to have my guy. I've been smoking a little less, though. So he only sold it by the ounce. It's just so convenient. You get a dispensary.

Yeah. Yeah. But, like, I mean, I know in like, the, like, like, Like, I live in Washington Heights. In the Heights, it's still, there's still a weed guy. Oh, yeah. On the street. Yeah, you're still, like, you know, buying fucking knickmacks.

It's usually better, honestly. Really? Yeah, the dispensary stuff kind of stays on the shelves a long time. And I think, like, the government to, like, clear it to make sure it's all good. Interesting. You're getting it straight from Cali, babe. Boom. Whoa.

All right. Good for you. Small business. There we go. We should get into selling weed. Yeah. Let's do. Why?

Let's start doing, not doing porn, but let's invest in a porn company. I'm into it. I was one of direct a truck. Check, five grand. Boom. I got good ideas. I always want to correct the ball. I can see that.

Just you jerking off. It's POV of me. I hate POV. I don't like it either. I hate it. I want to see both of them. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you.

Story. Sure. Well, that's a good about 70s porn. They had a story. That you remembered to this day. You got that right. The bush sucks. I agree.

And Gore. Crazy. Cheerios in there. It looks like the floor of a minivan. Yeah. That's a little old for being. high school athletes are with a mustache.

Yeah, right? Man, yeah, I remember the this one that we had. It was like the housemaid and the rich lady. I remember the lines. That is, that. Somebody took time and wrote that. They had a gaffer, a grip.

I mean, it was like a production. It was hard. It was hard. Real film, Jack. Yeah. I ain't lying, dog. All right, let's see. We got time for one more here.

This one's for a Mitchell Hunt. $10 homie. Second one, red. You guys on a board already. There you go. When I was 13 years old, I was at my best friend's house. and him and I were looking at not-so-g rated website

if you catch my drift. Perfect. Yes, Melfth. Well, I noticed it was time to call my mom and check in. Remember that was it? Did you have to do that and check in? No, they didn't care. It was like we had it every six hours or something.

Six hours. What is it, a warden? No, but it would be like, because there was no, I would get dropped off in like an area. And he'd be like, just call me to let me know. Oh, an area. All right, we got to so-and-so, or we've been here. going there. It was more that.

Once a day probably. All right, all right. Area is crazy. I mean, go to your friend's house. So the mall, what's an area? That's the little vague. I mean, we skated so, like, I would get dropped off like a shopping center. Got it. Same, same, same. Where, ah, we might go that way. We might go this way.

So it was very like. You were completely on your own as a kid, right? Oh, complete neglect. Yeah, very feral. And we do the, it's hack now, but we do the cold collect call. For sure. Mom, I'm at the library. We had a baby.

It's a boy. Yeah. Deep cut. love that commercial. Yeah, blew my mind when I heard that. Me too. Me too. I was like, that's fucking, that's good writing.

Bob, we gotta baby, eats a boy. Well, commercials used to be good. Awesome. Fantastic. Bud wise. That was great. The WhatsApp. I mean, I was just bad, but I'm like, I was eight.

That was the funniest fucking thing. Of course. You know what holds up. The calls are coming from in doby, doby do. Oh, yeah. The calls are coming from inside the house. Yeah. You know what holds up now is those progressive commercials, turning in

of your parents. Oh, he's great. Yeah, that's right. How about this one? The Bud Light had some killer stuff. Real American genius.

Yeah. A real men of genius. Yeah, the taco salad. You want to eat a taco with ground beef, tons of cheese, sour cream in a shell? What a G? Whatever it was. That was good. There's also the thing now of all famous people.

It used to be embarrassing to do commercial. And you have to do it overseas. Now it's like, Matthew McConaughey is selling fun. He's got one of everything. Clooney. Yeah, Clooney's selling a coffee. It's crazy. It's insane.

How much fucking money do you need? And that went to young actors. Yeah, that's how people in comics used to make a fucking paycheck. There's a McDonald's commercial with Jason Alexander singing and dancing. He kills it, too. He's very talented. Very talented. What's up with Clico?

Not great. No splits. They might have got bought out at some point. Oh. Which could have been good or bad. I'm trying to find a history of. of the clique. Well, I got the certificate in my drawer next to that visa in case it starts working.

The one share is great. One share? Man. Yes. One share. I know. I don't own any stocks. Sharon is Karen.

All right, but let's see. He goes, he called his mom to check in. She didn't answer, but her voicemail did. I forgot to hang up. I get home and she says, I want you to hear something. So she played back the voicemail. I vividly remember hearing my own voice mail. on the recording say, dang, dude,

look at that big old booty on her. I wasn't allowed at that kid's house for a year. Wow, tough mom. That sucks. At 13, too, you gotta. Anything sexual with your mom around that age was brutal. Wait, he said that about the kid's mom. No, they were watching porn.

Oh. And then I guess the mom goes, you're over Steve's house watching porn, which I guess I kind of get. That's a little inappropriate. You have to at some point. At what age? He said 13.

All right. Well, well, you can't watch. pouring out in the open. What the fuck? I know. You gotta hide that shit. But the computer was only in one place, like you said. That's true.

Yeah, it was in the family room or maybe the basement or so. I remember the first time our buddy got one in his room and we were like, this thing's going to be. See in five years. This thing's going to have AIDS in a weekend. We are going to fucking defile this thing. Did your parents not porn in the house? I got a virus.

No, God, no. No, no. No, I had to go to my friend's house. He was Belgian and his dad had a stack of playboys and he would just sit and smoking. bed, drink beer, and Reed Playboy. And we would... The Playboy dad was... That was lost on hot.

We never had that. Oh, my God. It was so hot. I mean, we would just flip through and you boner would be pulsing in your little shorts. Yeah, my stepdad was like a mechanic, and he had, like, a shop where they were, like, him and his buddies would fix their cars and stuff like that. And they had, like, the snap on tool chest with, like, the calendar.

Oh, yeah. There would be, like, an air freshener hanging in the coat drop that was, like, a girl with their jugs out. Oh, yeah. And I remember me and my brother would be like, well, acting like we're like sweeping or something. Yeah. Just like walk back and forth.

Cameron, what are you doing? It was so special back then because it wasn't around. It wasn't internet porn. So you saw a naked woman hanging on the rearview. Like a song on the radio. You hear it once and hear it two weeks later. Yeah, and you'd think about it. You at home like, oh, remember the rearview girl.

Yeah. That brings up, was there, were you ever the person or was there a person growing up whose house you weren't allowed at? Oh. Because on the flip side of that, I was the house that my buddy could come to. Why is that? Because my dad let us ride around in the back of a pickup truck.

That's it? Yeah. That's how you got around. I know. We were like all over town. We were like, she was like, oh, in the neighborhood. He's like, oh, no, we went there here. We were there.

It was like for like four hours. You're just in the back of a pickup truck. Whoa. And her mom, his mom called my dad and was like, just to let you know, Matthew's no longer allowed over. Whoa. And that was the first time I'm like, oh, we're not great as a, like, we're not great is a family all together.

That hurts. Like another family's judging our family from the top down. Right. Fuck her. That's bullshit. I could be, my mom got CPS called on her twice. What?

Yeah, yeah. So one, when somebody came over to our house and they're like, you can't have a kid living like this. We had a big stairwell with no banister. Because you were redoing it, right? Yeah, they were redoing it,

but they never finished. So, uh, we just ran down the steps every day and there was no banister. So a mom would come home and be like, this is crazy. And she reported my mom. She, I know.

That was one. And then one, a teacher thought I was being beaten. I don't know. I had something going on where she was like, oh, he's clearly abused. And they called CPS. No shit. Yeah. So my poor mom had to be like, no, I swear, I'm a good egg.

That's funny. I had the same thing, a teacher. I was trying, I was in seventh grade probably, and I was trying to land a kickflip. And I was just like repeatedly doing it. And the board kept hitting my shins. Oh, yeah. So my leg was all bruised. I was like, one day I'm like, I'm landing this thing.

And we just sat in my driveway. And so I bruised all over my legs And the gym teacher saw it I saw them like I saw the one clock it And then go over and was like Talking to another one like And then he came over and looked at my legs

And they were like we want to talk to you Whoa And it was like is everything okay at home Whoa I was like yeah They're like trying to do a kickflip Yeah And a chicken colored saying great

To be honest with you What are you gonna do? I had that one time My mom threw a pot at my head What? She didn't mean to hit me But she caught me by accident And I had to go get stitches

Throwing a pot just to throw a pot. They get the wall. I deserved it. I was being a real dick. Oh, geez. Yeah, let her have it. But we got to the hospital. I knew before I even walked in there, keep my fucking mouth shut.

Yeah, yeah. But that was your chance to get at her. True. I held it against her for like a year. Yeah. I'm not going to kettle blocks. Right. Nuts?

Yeah. I'm no rat. Wow, you're a good son. She should have thanked you. Like, thanks for keeping your mouth shut. She did. She felt really bad about it. I would hope so.

It's a pot. Yeah, she hit her son in the head with a piece of metal. Used it against her. There you go. As you should. As a dirtbag would. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking tell the cops.

Let them get it. I'm going to hold that. But then you're in foster care. That's, you're, fuck, fuck that. Was it a skillet? Yeah, it was like a pot pot. It's a crock pot. It's an air friar.

Hexaclad. Gang, Mr. Mark Norman. Hey. New special over there on Netflix. Thank you. One of the absolute best. Go check them out. Anything else you want to tell the folks?

Hey, get on Clico. We're a young startup. We're trying. Thank you guys. We love you. Kippie what he got? Guys, we're over the road, get tickets, shows are selling out. We can add them in some places, some places we can't.

So get them wider hot. We love you. We love you. We'll see you next week. Comey.