Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Nick Rochefort!

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Nick Rochefort! You know Nick Rochefort from Stand Up Comedy, Matan Even Podcast, Scuffed Realtor, Perfect Guy Life Podcast, Million Dollar Extreme, Harland Highway Podcast, Story Warz, Legion of Skanks, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, and much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Better Help: Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/GARBAGE Ridge Wallet: Take advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year and GET UP TO 47% Off by going to https://www.Ridge.com/AYG Aura Frames: Exclusive $45-off Carver Mat at https://on.auraframes.com/GARBAGE. Promo Code GARBAGE Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/li0uni5h Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Philly, Philly, the boys are coming home December 13th for our biggest show ever at the Metropolitan Theater. Yeah, get your tickets at RUGarbage.com, get the homies, get the bozos, get your aunt, get your uncles. We want to see you there. Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Oh, yeah.

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that to give it to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash. I'm your host, A. H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She's going to be guest bartending at cheerleaders down there on Front Street in Philly, getting ready for the big December 13 show

Topless. Work to work to-work to to-dy into a plug. I respect it. Pasties, but topless. Uh-huh. My co-s is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He's an international businessman father of the year and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube.

Full video available over there on Spotify now, too. To Boisers are climbing the fucking charts over there. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www. patreon.com slash rar you garbage. Go over there and get all that bonus content. Yes, sir, and gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests here with today for the first

time. He is a very funny, very successful, comedian, podcaster, actor, and furniture store owner, I just found out. You might know him from scuffle, from scuff realtor, million-dollar extreme world peace on adult swim. He has an amazing podcast you can hear every week. Perfect Guy Life with Mr. Sam Hyde. And the owner of Shamanix House,

Give it up for Dick Rochefort, everybody. Oh my God, thank you so much for having me here. A little bit of a fluff, but I got all that out. You got it masterfully. You're the first interior decorator I've ever had here. No, I think maybe, I mean, I don't know. This is a big place. We could, I could just razzle dazzle around here.

I could sprinkle some glitter around here. I'd love to get rid of some of this man cave. He walked in, he's like, I love what you've done with the plate. I'm twirling around on ice skates on the carpet. Have you thought about fresh flowers at all? Nothing built the ambiance like that. I want to get there. That's crazy that you do that.

You look at you live in a bus station. I do. No, I look like I sell weed with Seth Rogen. No, I get it. I sell mids stick weed. Mexican brickweed only? Yeah, that's it. I wish we'd go back to that.

Sorry to cut you off. Everybody does. Yeah. No, I don't smoke weed because I can't get that weed. Oh, sure. Yeah, that weed was okay. My mom used to have that weed. It was great.

I like a little stem, a little seed. It's a little smoky flavor. I like just don't think I'm smoking a little drywall. Right. Do you have any brown stick? Yeah. Do you have any, like, really stiff plastic bag weed for $30 for a big, giant bag

of it from. I want something the cops are going to laugh at when they pull me over. This is where you getting this from? I could have got you better shit than this. When you break it up and the seeds fall on the paper I love it. Then you put it, then you take that, you put in a little paper cup with a little bit of a little bit of topsoil, a little bit of water, and you got a weed plant growing.

Then you think you have a weed plant for three months. It's starting to bud, dude. Oh, that was the best. Oh, it's a female. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's nothing. Oh, I'm stupid. Yeah, I've watched so many people. I just like him. I think it looks cool when you grow something like that. I'm not trying to move any weight or do you think.

You couldn't if you wanted to. I know. It's all male plants, dude. Some dick kid tells you that. Dude, UV lights off. You're going to get gnats. The bugs. Fruit flies?

Yeah, yeah. I've had that happen to me. Buddy, give us the backstory. Give us the origin story. Well, I grew up in Woonsocket, Rhode Island, which is like a, it's like a French-Canadian mill trash town. Like, I'm like... That's the first time we've ever had that of French-Canadian mill trash town?

It's the most, it's the most French, French, French, uh, French-Canadian spoken is the only town in the United States that had French on the ATMs. Really? That was a big fun stuff. Get out of here. Where are the fucking close to Canada? What's the name of it? It was like when they just dropped a lot of French Canadians.

They were like, let's get out of here. We're going to this beautiful land where there's dye mills where you can get leukemia for your wife. This is from Canada? They were saying this? Quebec, yeah. So they came down. They came down. I like to say my family came down in a wagon in 1991.

It was a station wagon, but still. It was a horse-drawn wooden wagon there. But it's a very, it's just a mill rat. You know, like, everybody gets along. It's pretty muddy. It's pretty, like, a lot of, like, you know when you see like. Oh, you say it's pretty muddy? Like French mutt.

You know when you see like fetal alcohol syndrome face? Yeah. Your cousin, Jen, who gives head for biking, like that kind of shit. Slipknot t-shirt and Bruins pajamas. 9 a.m. on a Monday morning getting the cart in the USA Golds, that type of shit. How the fuck do you know my cousin? That's what I want to know. She got me a good deal on a tattoo all free hand.

Yeah, that kind of shit. That's good. That's that kind of town. What did your parents do? Were they in the pelts or anything like that? Yeah, right. Trappers? They were fur trappers,

venison jerky makers. No, my dad was a used car salesman, third gen. Second gen, I'm third gen. No kidding. Wait, you sell used cars now, too, still? I sell a few cars a year. I've been at car sales in my entire life. Are you out of your fuck?

Who are you? It's like an hunkerolic. You're never not a used car salesman. I got to do it. You're always one bad, one bad month. away from selling cars again it'll be given a couple hours you're going to be like you know the nick could probably get me a deal on a scalade so you hold on so your family migrated down from Quebec to this town in Rhode Island your dad started a car dealer

used car dealership he dropped out of school in ninth grade my father uh-huh your dad your parents came down no my grandfather your grandfather your grandfather yeah then my father dropped out of school ninth grade quit just like straight up like I was like really they let you do What was your grandfather doing? He was a patent maker for like a dye, I don't know, a valve mill. Okay. What does that mean? A patent.

Like, you work in an office and they steal your ideas, basically. Yeah. Okay. He came up with ideas. Yeah, he did. Anything juicy? I think he created like a diverter valve and they bought him a car. It was a big story, but he was a shit.

That was your grandfather? Yeah, yeah. Old Norman, yeah. He was, but we don't get along. You know, the family's all disjointed, everybody hates everybody. So, get that fucking guy out of here. Really? All angry French Canadians.

No one's allowed to use his sink in his household. Yeah, yeah, because it's, I wouldn't even want to go over there if he invited me. Really? Yeah, that type of shit. I like it. Yeah. So how many brothers and sisters do your dad have? He had a seven or something?

All right, so they're, damn, that is. It's like one of those where you don't even know. It's like eight. I don't know. A couple of them are dead. Who knows? You're not close with them. Nope.

I'm not close with any of the cousins just because of where I grew up with. And then my mom was a, she was a bookkeeper. She's like an office lady. Got you. Like a cons receivable. Respectable job. Respectable, yep. Yep. She keeps me on my toes. She keeps all the books in line. And my dad sold new cars, kind of made a little bit of bread right away, like 18. The owner took a like...

That's really right away. That's right away. You know, selling you... There's always that moment in the car business where you sell your teacher a car. That's a very common thing. Really? And you sell your, like, teacher, and the teacher's like, how much money? And then you get to look at the creditor report. And like, you make that, you piece of shit. I make that in a good April. I can't even spell. I hold my pen like this. And I make more of it That's one of the new questions I wanted to ask you to hold a pen and show me your handwriting

That's a good one Show me your handwritten That's a good tell That's crazy So your dad starts selling cars Yeah opens a small car la Everybody's like Oh, small four

Now that you've seen this car dealership before It's four cars One garage, one man door Stickers on the windshield They say like 4995 Or hand paint Which I can do pretty well Really?

Apska matter Whatever they call the thick paint markers with the colors. You put like, you know, air conditioning, moon roof, power windows, you know, like star, you know, that shit, price, year. Low miles. What about or best offer? No. No or best offer?

So the fun thing is, um, I, Nello's motor sales was the name of my dad's and it was on the side of a strip club called the K2U. And we were the first to do buy here, pay here in the state of Rhode Island. What do you mean? Buy here pay here is like, every dirt bag's got to, we were the first to do this. We were the first to do this. Yes. grandfather patented We patented

Rip it off people in the hood That's free crab legs Yeah So you have to give like So say the car is like Three grand You would You're moving nice cars over there

Yeah yeah Yeah you know beautiful Say if you guys can wrap you head around a car Being three grand A late model Deville You know You know So you put 500 down

You pay $35 a week Forever It's like rent a center It's like the origin Now who holds So like there's really You hold the note You could fuck us

So you're leasing it Oh, you can fuck us. You could walk away. Good news is my fucking eight-sized shitbox cousin will come kick your fucking door down. Come get the car. Yeah, and they get the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really?

No rules, friends with the cops. Hey, they stiffed us. Cop goes, shouldn't have stiffed them. Uh-huh. Get the car back. So this has happened. Oh, yeah, yeah. So here's the fun one.

You better mind your fucking peas and cues, big guy. Little index card, my job when I'm 9, 10, my brother, it's me and my brother. We collect the $35 a week. Little index cards, you know, Mrs. Ruggieri, Mrs. you know, oh, you were met. She brings them the 35. I tuck it in the index card. Is this cash check?

Cash, usually. Or, here's the fun part when they don't have it. And my dad had a pretty good reputation around on time. He was a pretty fair guy. He wasn't like, believe it or not, they are our good cards. He would be like this. You know the rule. You have to go get something worth $35.

I got a question. Do you then keep that or hold it until it's replaced with cash? Usually they would always leave it. So you would end up with a microwave. Gray parakeets. They were expected. Champion dogs, stuff like weird stuff. A Nintendo gun.

Yeah, yes. Snap on tools, Oakley glasses. What? Why? Because they don't have the 35. What do you mean why? This is the buy here, pay here? Yeah. They don't pay in full.

No, no, no, they pay in chunks. It's a perfect scenario. $35. Well, this is 1991. Oh, I'm sorry. What are you talking about that? Should have been the 20th. Right, 35, 50.

So you pay that a week. They don't have the money. They have to go get tools. So we would always have, like, shit. You'd always see shit. That's good, though. Starter jackets. Did you have to then, like, fencing?

Oh, yeah, the off brand that no one wants, like the fucking the giants when they blew, you know? Oh, cool, I got a three XL giants jacket. I'm 11, you know? Wear it to school, I'll get it dry clean. Orlando Magic were the big ones of those things, remember? Same with Charlotte. The Charlotte Hornets, yeah.

Somebody came up with a theory of why, like, someone did the math as to why it was Charlotte. Like, every dirt bag kid had a Charlotte one. They made, there was something with the manufacturing. Something just came out with that. Grandmama, was it? Grandmama was big. Larry Johnson

Yeah, Larry Johnson was big. Mugsy Boggs, didn't he play this? Yes. NBA Jam, that was the hottest. But, yeah, no, I remember specifically getting started jackets that no one gave a fuck about. Sure. And it was, like, the most embarrassing thing.

Like, oh, cool, I got the dolphins when they, like, post-Dan Marino. Did you have a separate, did you have, like, a store room at the shop where you kept all this stuff? No, we'd kind of, like, take it home. I mean, it was like, you'd have, like, 80 cars in the street. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Like, so you'd sell. So you're collecting 80 weekly paint in.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a good racket. It was a really good racket. Would that usually be the payment, or would they say, here, take the blender, and I'll come back next week and I'll give you seven. He just said, you don't know. That's good. We're good this week. Next week, bring me the 35.

We're back to normal. It was like a checkbox. Like 20 boxes. It's so trashy. It was shit. Didn't your dad want the actual money? Of course. But there was enough going around.

What's your starter jacket? But I'm saying. I remember my dad would brag like loosely. He's like, I got 90 grand in the streets. So, like, all those index cards were like, I could shut the fucking doors right now. And just collect. And just collect. I don't have to do a thing.

I don't have to sell it, buy another car ever. They caught that mailbox money. 90 grand. Like, it was like $38 million. That's, I mean, but dude, that's good, though. Oh, yeah, it was a lot. Holy shit. Okay.

What was the family car? Was the family car ever changing? It was ever changing. The three that stuck out was the 85 Lincoln Town Car, triple black. What's triple black? I mean? Black Landau, Roof, black interior, black exterior. That was a good one.

We're pretty proud of that one. I bet you could sell a couple of cars. You got the, you got the, yeah, he's got it in them. I've done an unfortunate reality. I'll get to that. But the 84, which is the box, the box body. It was right after they stopped looking like disco cars and they started. Holy shit, dude.

Maybe it was 87. That's what Paul Castellano got shot in. Yeah. Yeah, that was that one. That, yeah. That's a nice car. It was a good car. And then we had a 84 suburban barn door lifted.

That was, my dad was obsessed with. K-bodied GMCs. Yeah, that's an old-school suburb. Those were cool, yeah. The V-8s, we used to take those. And we'd paint them. We had a painter that was, like, a friend of my dad's, and we'd, like, paint them, and we'd modify them and buy shit for them. What was your first car?

My first car was a 5-7 Dodge Durango, which, and I went to, like, a nice high school. What year were we talking? 98. Dude, when those Durangoes dropped, they were something fucking out. That's weird. The way it was shaped. Yeah, it was, and it gave, they gave you a V8, basically a rear-wheel drive V8 Tardmobile. And they were like, here you go, dummy.

Go rat this around a pole. Yeah, exactly. Go do, go race your friends in their BMWs because, like, with a mild tune, this thing's doing danger. And I remember, like, I had a rich girlfriend in high school, and I remember her parents looking at my friend. She had, like, an accord. And they were looking at me, like, I walked in, they were living room with, like, my dick in my hands. They were like, he's got a Durango. Like, what parents to buy their kid?

It's like a single mom's car before it's a single mom's car before it's a single mom. A Honda Accord, was it, was a hot, rich six car. That was like a rich piece. The green V6 was like the piece. Yeah, it was nice. I always say that, the Mitsubishi Eclipse. The hot girl car. They all had, it was the Accura RSX.

C, uh, they were like the tiny little coops. The Accura, I think they were Accura RSX. All the girls had those in our high school. Yeah, they were, they ran. That was a, an Accura is a, that's the best car you can buy. Is that true? I started fundamentally. I sell new Accurus.

I sold a lot of Accurus. And it was like an Accura customer has more, has enough money to buy the dealership, but you'd never know. They look like computer engineers. Yeah. But they're like, you are a fucking dirtbag. Because I want to get one. I know. I sold Lewis Gomez when I, he's like, what do I get?

I go, get a fucking Accur, Lewis, control your ego. Get a goddamn Accurias. I was like, I know you don't want to. I know you want a fucking Ferrari. I know you want a S class. Get an Accura. You drive a lot of miles. Like, all right, all right.

Gets it loves it. And Accurro is like the good friend. I want an escalates. I want that big new escalates. It's so bad. Accur is a good friend. You hear that? A good friend.

Never fuck you over. He's not going to be the highlight of the party. No one's running over to the accurate. He'd be like, wow, Kevin, the new, the new TSX. As long as that $35 is here, every fucking, does Lewis have to drive up to Rhode Island to give you the money? Yeah, he could. He shows up with his kid's basketball.

This is a blue-nosed pit. These are $2,000. These are two tickets to Skang Fest. Access. Give them to your guy. Shout out to Lewis. I love it. What was the grocery store growing up?

Stop and shop. Very nice established. Is that true? Stop and shop? And shaws. Do you guys get shaws a lot? No, I don't know what shawls is. Shaws was closer to me.

It was orange shaws. Stop and shop was when you got a little bit more bread. Shaw's started to go down, go down hell fast. Oh, is that the Osco's as well? They probably got bought out by. By Osco. We know Joel Osco. Chicago.

Yeah, very nice. So your dad did well. Yeah, it was very bipolar It was like, you know, one year You'd make that, the next year Something bad would happen Sure, similar tale here on Arje Garage I got that very, very bad

One year you got like a used four wheeler for Christmas Next year it was like, no presents this year One time I lost like $20 My mom gave me like lunch money I lost the 20 and she was like bawling her eyes out And I was like, we're poor again What the fuck happened? Mom's like really beside herself over this 20

She's like, are you fucking kidding me? And it's even sadder when she's wearing a Charlotte Hornet Yeah, she's in her Milwaukee Buck starter jacket Crying her eyes out Her Brewers Starter jacket Bill's Super Bowl t-shirt

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they've given away all year that's ridge dot com for up to 47% off during their biggest sale of the year after you purchase they're going to ask you how you heard about them please support the show and tell them the boy sent you we love you holy shit How many brothers and sisters you got? I got one younger brother, Jake. How much younger? Two years. Oh, okay.

All right. Irish twins, as we call it. Yep. They couldn't keep their hands off each other. Fighting? No. Oh, your parents. I got you.

Yeah. No, no, no. Oh, no, no. I wish. No, no, they got along pretty good enough. Just vicious throat-cutting French Canadian misery and they're in the fights. Gotcha. I could leave her, you know.

That's my dad's telling me. You know, I could leave your mother and get a hot piece of ass. I'm sick. I got 90 grand in this body. Any girl. Any girl, your cousin Jen's friends. Shaking a Viking bottle. Yeah, yeah.

They come skitter in all the bushes. Were you a good student? Yeah, I was actually. I was like a I was like a B plus A minus student. Not bad. I was like a 1.00. I was okay. I got like a 1280 on my SATs.

At a 1600? Yeah. Wow, that was great. That wasn't bad. Very good. Damn, 1280. But football guy. I played football for like four years.

Two out of years out of high school, but I played pee-wee ball. Okay. to go to college at all or attempt to go to college i did i went to college uh i went to college i did football i played football in staten island no kidding wow what division is that one double a whoa scholarship kid was a baller a little scholarship yeah very i only went because i think i i i graduated with like a really good group of guys i was just like a i was like six two and a half six three you know they measured all the six two or three quarters and i was like two 20 i had okay speed and i was a real psycho on the field. I was like

the screaming guy during kickoff and like starting tight end. I was pointing himself in the head. I'm pointing, like threatening the parents like, you're my, you're mine. I'm going to fuck your wife. Oh, she's going to be wet when I fuck her too. I'm going to put my hand over my mouth because I know you

ain't doing it, motherfucker. And they're like, who's, get 89 off the fucking field. She's a 14 year old kid. Talking to him like an adult. I'm going to fuck your grandkids. I got your social security number, motherfucker your bag money's mine Jesus Christ dude

89 what position were you playing tight in tight end tight end look at them yeah not tight end but I played up there for a year I didn't I didn't do well I went to college at 17 so just drinking a lot why'd you go at 17 I'm like that weird late August

birthday I was the other way oh you were late I was older yeah yeah you got a car I had a car you drove everybody around yeah 96 Chevy Lumina no big deal oh wow Lumina which I just I went back and re-bought, by the way. Was it light blue? No, I just bought a light blue one this year.

Yeah, yeah, I had the white one. That's the one in my head, the light blue one. Which you might know, the white ones had a paint. They used, like, galvan ice deal, and the paint would chip off. I don't know if you knew that. The white luminous, the paint would just fall off of it. GM got a deal on it from, yeah, some shit happened. Like a true car salesman, he denies.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. That quote was like that when he got here. That was the assignment ice they put on it. That was the other dealer. I can't believe those guys did that to you, those motherfuckers. How could they do that? deal nick how about the uh the vacations when you're a kid what would you guys do where would your pop take this is great we would go to a main and kick tires on real estate i never

went to disneyland i have a bit my stand-up about it that i never i never went to disneyland and i'll save the reasons why i didn't go but we would go to main uh and my dad would give us on thursday nights he would give us mLS listings you've seen an mLS listing before right like a sheet a printout on a house like like the front page of a zillo is vacation you're a kid is this why you have the show, I presume. This is why I'm fucked up. My brother's a real estate agent. This is all I do. I build how, you know, so he would give us like a sheet of like 10 of them.

And he'd be like, first of all, only like actual realtors get MLS. Like that's like, that's like not for the public. Where was he getting them from? He had like a guy. Yeah. So, okay, where in Maine would you stay? The shittiest place. Scowhegan, Maine, Newport, Maine. Places in Maine. Was it near water?

Somewhere. Not the good water, though. What were you doing there? Looking at houses. That is insane. Never buying them. My dad would ink these people into, like, thinking there's a whale coming to town. There is a fucking whale from Providence with his two kids and his two kids' buddies. A lot of cash. His two kids' buddies.

They are going to, they are buying everything under the sun. We were buying nothing. Was that, did he actually think, was there like this, he might ever? Was he actually looking or was it just you guys were just going to? He, like, wears the shoes like a, like a psychopath, like going up there to buy the city. Nick, I need you and your brother to narrow down which one we're going to buy by the morning. I know you have school tomorrow.

Here's the good news. I'm pulling you out of school at 12 tomorrow. He would pull us out of school on. You know, remember when you're a kid? I got eyes on a two bedroom. Wait until you see? You're going to plot. Yeah, but that's not vacation. In the middle of the school year. It was the best vacation. That's awesome. We would be snooping through people's shit, opening their underwear, throwing their

stealing shit. Like, it's just me. Really? Oh, we would be rifling through their stuff. Come out with pearly earrings. These are mine. Wow, what I want a story. This lady's got my stuff. Yeah, I'm wearing a wig. I got her underwear on over my snowsuit. Hey, by the way, you're out of cancer medicine lady.

Shit's getting me higher than a kite. I'm nine. Oh, fucked up. Hold on. And when I asked, what were you doing there? Like, just as a pure vacation, why would you stay somewhere where there's not water or anything like that? So this was the focus.

Your dad was actually in his head was working. We're going to, like, figure actual due business. We found joy in it as a family to stay in a, A decent, not a holiday inn with a pool indoor. And then. So, okay, let me down this day. So you get to the holiday, you check into the holiday in. We get out of school at 12.

Get out of school 12. I'm leaving early, guys. I'd love to sit here and have lunch. My dad's actually outside. I'm going to look at a bunch of real estate. I'm closing on a couple properties in escrow right now. The big dog up in Schaukegee. How long would you go for?

We would go till Sunday night. So, oh, just the weekend. The weekend. Okay. But we did it like 14 times over two years. That's a lot. So we looked at like, 7,000 houses? 95.

Yeah, yeah, like, so we look at like six a weekend. These guys would drive us around. And I've had my ass kissed as a kid. Oh, you'd be with the, with the realtor. The realtor would be like, hey, buddy, what are you doing? Like, trying to kiss my ass is, like, trying to get on my dad's good graces. Like, you're going to play football up here? We got a great football team.

And I'm like, yeah, like, sure. Fucking dips shit. Like, we're not buying a fucking thing. Like, it's been two years. My dad's not pulling the trigger. Like, log cabins on the ocean, too cold. This one, too many acres, too rough. Two farmhouses falling down.

But it would be like, extravagant like 63 acre farms 140 acre 370 acres could he have swung that in a world it was 90 grand it was short money back in maine main was a shithole forever now it's like the best thing you know it was a short short it was 80 grand 130 grand you know low money the house that i grew up in was probably 125 you know um and it was just in the 94 it was short you are a fucking you're too smart to be as much of a dirt bag as you truly are oh i mean it wasn't much fault they threw me into it this is how you get like a like a fucking dr evil type character you know what i mean you steep them in a car dealership and let them

let them actually hang out with the adults he's fine he's with me starphone cup of black coffee and a fucking eater going hey rick how you pay you got bamboozle how much you pay for that i could have got you one cheap is this connected to the main line or is it well water what did he say what would you do anything in the summer like an actual vacation uh this was it that's that Well, summertime, we had a... Car's a cell, I guess. Cape Cod was a thing. When Cape Cod, we'd go to, like, Old Silver Beach.

My mom's parents or grandparents, they had a condo in Cape Cod that we would go to in Mashpee, and then we'd go out there. I'd go with my grandparents once for two weeks every third year. And what was their grift? What did you guys do? Pretend like you were blind? They were gypsies. Kino.

My grandma was a varsity kino player. Would your mom go on these trips? The realtor, the main trip? Oh, the whole family would go to the main. Somebody to play the secretary. Another $10,000 came in the day, Mr. Rochafoot. Ma'am, there's no one on the phone. I didn't see the...

She just got her fingers up to her. She didn't put any quarters in the pay phone. The guy's starting to get skeptical. He's like, fuck, I've been being real nice to this kid who's been calling me a fucking asshole behind my back. Gold's up another 15%. No, it's not. I don't think this 14-year-old with the beard

is really a doctor. I concur. That's fucking awesome. I love that. I'm doing that with myself. I'm doing that. Kick tires on heavy. Take him to 47th Street and try to buy a watch or something.

You know what I mean? Just keep stroking on TV. Two, he got a buddy who finds people on Facebook marketplace. Get some beats them up on price down to like 35. They're asking $400. He gets them down to $35 because, nah, never mind. I'm out. He just likes beating him up for the sport of it.

Why not? Honestly, I don't even like. I used to do that in art in L.A. That's really fun. What? Yeah, like paintings. You're a psycho. it's good to do

kick tires on real estate okay kick tires on everything you really should if you pay retails for suckers yeah there's a sucker born every day man holy shit I'm sure you've done it before who did the who did the cooking at the house your mom my dad

your dad yeah my dad was a decent cook he was a short order cook when he was in eighth grade you know when he was he quit his he quit school because it was like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna make you know we're gonna everybody's made dudes are making moves like yeah that guy's the guy's like I can make cash and right then you're just

stifling me yeah you're this is killing me I could be at you know Meadowcrest making fucking $9 which is really funny because there's Italian guy the other night was trying to make fun of me I was at a bar and he's like you talk fast you you know and like Italian guys that you guys are probably because you're good talker so they're probably

you I don't know but this one over here they always separate they always yeah yeah they talk to you about through the other guy which one is you you your friend over here yeah that stuff and he's like I started in the line making $7.15 an hour. I opened my phone, I go, what's $7 and $15 worth in 1970? It was $56 an hour.

I said, what are you bragging? Yeah, yeah. Fuck out of my face. Nice math problem, asshole. But yeah, no, he wanted to make bread, and my dad was a cook. Dad was a decent cook. When we went broke, my aunt hired him as a cook. Really?

Yeah. What did she? She ran a restaurant. My aunt took a restaurant owner took a liking to her and gave her a job as a manager at like 20. Nice. And she was running like the Bachi Club, which was a big Italian restaurant in our town. Okay.

You had one, a family-style chicken restaurant in your town. Supper club type. No, not really. And Bucca Depepepe, I guess. I don't even know if that's local, though. But that's a chain. Yeah. Why do you say chicken?

We do family-style chicken around. It's a big deal. I don't know what that means. Like, just a lot of chicken on a plate. Yeah, a lot of chicken. You're really trying to church this up. It's just a lot of chicken. There you go, dumbass.

It's family style. Eat off. There you go, dummy. You and your diabetes family. Here you go. I have some of that. What kind of chicken? So this is mostly bones.

Roasted chicken legs. Just a lot of roasted chicken legs. With rosemary and salt on it. Who does that? That's a big thing up in your town. Right. Dairy is a big deal. Yep.

It's like a really thing. I feel like you live like in the 40s. Now it is or it was back then? Still this day, Wright's Farm is probably one of the big. I'm having a hard time understanding. It's crazy. It's, it's its own thing. It's its own flavor.

It's been like that for a while. It's like the armpit of New England. So that's why I was like I can't fucking wait for this. I mean, you have to come back once a month at this point. We're barely scratching this. Brick some of that fucking chicken. Yeah, right? You go there, and it's like a fucking human trough.

But it's like French fries, like oven roasted potatoes, simple peni vodka, peni red sauce. Uh-huh. And chicken, that's it. And it's like $42 all you can eat. And you sit at a fucking picnic table filled with thousand poundsers. Yeah. And people are just hoovering this shit.

Like it's going somewhere. Like it owes the money Uh-huh You know So your aunt got a job there Yeah As the manager Yeah

And they gave your dad a job Yep When Nice How old was your father When he took his job When did he go broke? We went broke after the car

The car dealership Had some little complications With some Taxes Some wise guys Okay Oh really? Yeah

I sold a truck I thought you lost The index cards He got burned By some Some crime families A whole load of cars He was a good wholesaler

So He was a You know what a wholesaler That's a whole other Yeah They go to the back of the dealership and they buy the use cars from the new car dealership. That's what he would do, essentially. He was pretty good at it.

His partner, Vinnie Ferrola, good guy, dead now. But he was very good. Doesn't sound natural? Right. He would drink Budweisers at 9 a.m. like this. Oh, give me another one. With me at, like, you know, 11. You know, that was fair.

But they were pretty good at wholesaling cars, and they would run a pretty good at, they would, like, run Subaru's to the Pacific Northwest. They would run, like, convertible rear-wheel drives to Florida, where every car worked, you know. They'd buy things in Florida to ship them up here, like pickup trucks don't sell in Florida. Well, back in the day, they didn't. So it was all like that.

They were pretty good at it. The stuff that he knows is crazy. Then they got burned. You're saying that like we're sitting around the table? How to use carl or dealership break room? You know. Guys, you know, they can't sell a tundra in fucking Florida to save their lives. L.A. they don't buy fucking accuracy in Los Angeles.

The ego's too big. So sold a couple of Toyota trucks of the Middle East. You know what I mean? 50 cow on the back. You see a bunch of Taliban guys in shamonics out of trucks. Nice stuff too Guns shoot straight Oh my God

So he got ripped off Then the That just crashed It just was like All right I'm jumping ship And then I went and worked at As the

It's basically a big banquet hall Weddings Yeah yeah What's he do now if you don't mind me asking General manager of a four dealership There you go That's a good job Yeah

Tried to retire I always say the retirement myth For our fathers is crazy None of them are ever going to retire Mine's very much of the same A lot of highs High highs and low lows And I just remember being, like, a couple of years ago being like, ah, that's never going to end.

No, you're going to, you're going to, yeah, I guess for sure. I, I've realized that. It would be like if, are your parents still together? No. No. No. It'd be like watching your dad pick women if he could. And he's just, I've seen that, yeah.

He's just going down the same, like, he's like, these fucking Latinas, I love him. And like, every third week, he's getting like a death threat. And he's like, Dad, why do you do this to yourself? He's like, you ever see their asses, though? And it's like, you do this to yourself. He's biting his hand. You're a model. I was like, God damn, damn.

So when did you sell cars? So it wasn't, you weren't selling at your dad's dealership? No, so I, no, I did when I did that a little. I sold a few cars in my dad's dealership over the years. Like just one, like old man needs help, get him the keys. My dad would give me like $100 because the deal closed, which is one of those things. But then I sold cars when, between college. So I would go to college, I came back, and my dad had a job for me at a construction company making $20 an hour.

I work for a week. The guy's like, here's your paycheck. whoa this is nine bucks he's like you're a fucking kid and i was like yeah my dad said you i was 20 bucks an hour what the fuck's going on here he's like i was like i'm doing that for fucking nine bucks an hour i looked in the paper and i started selling fords uh when i was like uh 18 nice and i sold fords at pride ford and um i loved it did you stay at college at wagner all four years i uh no no no i quit after two okay yeah so then you're home i'm home You're 18.

Yep. I'm home. I'm 18. I'm selling cars during the summer. Went back to school. Um, kicked off campus. For what? Fighting.

Could you beat up? Some fucking kid. Pretty sure you won. I did. It was unfortunate. The kid, I was in my... It was unfortunate for him. It sounds like...

I feel bad. What school was this? I was a steroid freak. I was on steroids. Were you? Yeah, I was on, like, growth hormone and Winstrel and Test and DECA and all. Because of football? Yeah.

Oh, Jose can takeo? Yeah, I know. This is the thing about, there's nothing. I had an internship at Balco Labs But I had 95 home runs that year It really mattered On their football team On their shit

You know 2 and 30 football team That you know we lose like 90 to 0 90 to 0 Those dudes at that time On a bad football team Love steroids They were the guys They were the thing to do They were keeping

Cereids in business But if you got out of it If you weren't playing anymore Why'd you stay on the juice? It was fun All my cousins were doing it Like it was around What? Stero

You want to buy his car? Yeah You want some more chicken? It was like Guido era. It was like, oh, two, oh, three, oh, four, or five. Jack, dudes were, that was, that was big. It was like hair gel, roids. Jim tan laundry.

Yeah, it looked, it was a good look on me. I was like, this is fun for a little while. Did you shave your back? Did you have that steroid back? No, I had like rage and crying. I would be like, you don't get it. Punching some of them all crying. Punching walls and shit like that, like banging through steering wheels.

What school were you at that you got thrown out of? Do you want to say? I went to Wagner and then I got, I went to Wagner, got in the fight. Oh, wow, the fight was at Wagner. That's why he got kicked off. So I came back to the campus with my football track suit on it, like seven in the morning. We had like 5 a.m. workouts. And I didn't have my ID on me, and the kid wouldn't let me in the building.

And I had, like, a test. And I was like, dude, what the fuck, man? Let me in the building. Kids like, sorry, can't. Like a little peckerhead kid. And I was like, dude, I'm a fucking football player. Like, give me a break. It's off my room.

No one was around. And I was like, I was kind of getting panicky, well, steroid. So I just walked around the goal. I got bad anxiety. Yeah, I was like, ah. I just, like, walked around the door, and I got, like, huge trouble for it. And they're like, you have to work a week. You can't disobey the rules or I'm getting yelled at.

And then I'm drunk a day later, the kid that did that's in the fucking cafeteria. And he's like, you're drunk at the cafeteria? Yeah. Okay. This guy's a little bit of my buddies. I told me you, we got a frat party. I'm like, I'm like, two of my buddies and they're like, hey, there's that fucking kid. When did they start doing brunch in college cafeteria?

I'm like, I'm cut into my Benedict. As I'm putting my locks with my dill. These eggs are poached perfectly. I'm living at mimosas? There's that son of a bitch that... And right as I was just about to do... No. And then the kid...

And he was kind of like a little bunker. He's like, fuck you. And I was like, fuck me. And I was like, wham! And I just, I pit him and it was pretty bad. And, you know, and then I run out and the cops are running in. I'm like, there's a fight in there. And I'm like, I was like, oh.

And then I just like, I knew it was bad. So I went and turned myself in. I was like, hey, I got arrested. I went to jail for two days. Are you, Henry Hill? Yeah, it was so bad. No, take me to jail. I was like, yep, the morality in me, you know, so then they just.

That's a good. You do, it seems like you do have a good heart. Oh, not a bad person. I just have, you know, I had, you know, bouts of rage when you have a steroid. So don't do steroids. They're not good. And the fucked up part about one double A schools or two schools, no one's going to the fucking league. But everybody thinks they're going to the fucking league.

Yeah, the pressure is, it's like a pressure cooker, yeah. It's their dads. Yeah. They're like, fucking bench riding baseball fathers that never played a fucking down in football. They're like, go get him, son. And I'm like, he was probably pretty good. high school but I knew we all sucked and I was the only guy that was kind of like a hater me and my buddy Aaron Winnick we're like we suck like we lose every game there's

like 40 people in the stands like we're playing with kids that played for like Texas high schools I had like 70,000 kids in the stands and people like oh this blows I should have went to temple or something I was like yeah you let's go yeah like you should have went there I was like this sucks but so it wasn't like a good experience then I just went to salve and uh what's that salver Eugene is like a stupid Catholic independent school in Newport I went just super fancy. I went for one season. And then I went back to Wagner.

Finish your degree. Yeah. And some unfinished business in the cafeteria. I finished my business management degree. Here I finish the business. Yeah. Go back to get it. Cam, let's talk about or a frames.

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Banking services provided by Cashab's bank partners. paid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC cash app green overdraft coverage borrowing cash back offers and promotions provided by cash app a block ink brand visit cash dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures doing and we're going to get back to the show back to the show so you have a degree no no no wait for that god no no no nine colleges yeah I'm like 58 credits away from an associate's degree and like snot eating or something so then you just left there again Yeah, so my dad bought a house in the woods. Finally, we escaped Rhode Island, one socket,

and we go to my dad buys a house. In the meantime, my dad's buying, like, shitty apartment houses here and there. It was, like, the 94 come up to, like, 2,000. He starts buying, like, four families. So he bought, like, two or three of them. This is when he's cooking. He's doing that. He's buying, like, the four-bedroom, taking the money out.

During that time, gets a job as a maintenance guy, as, like, groundskeeper Willie at my private high school that I got to go to. Uh-huh. Did you go because he was work there? Yeah, I got to go for free. That is the blue collar. way to get your kid at decent so that's high school that's high school he hasn't started cooking yet or was he was cooking like in the in the meantime before that okay he got a job as a as a groundskeeper

then he stayed there for a long time and he's but and why he's doing that he's still making moves trying to buy houses making moves buying houses this guy your dad sounds not bad he could a good guy I mean it was it was around you could buy house for 40 grand it was pretty fucking cheap it's not hard to buy house and you could do what's called you know you could take you could do holding paper with people so guys foreclosing banks were calling you personally and being like hey do you want this house I just got to get money on the books and like I'll give you five grand down I'll give you a thousand a month

before you get this place straight it was it was like candy it happened in 08 again but the fact that you guys know you are a dangerous family that's what I'm saying he's got too much he wields too much power

I don't know what's going on here it would mean something if I wasn't fucking touring at fucking bars for 65 people a night you know what I mean like that's a good living yeah I'm crushing it yeah but so yeah that was happening

and yeah so now he works at the high school I go there salve then he buys a house in the woods He gets a landscaping company. Old man retiring, small landscaping company. Has like a worker, a dump truck, a trailer. My dad calls him up. He's like, hey, you want to quit school? Yeah.

What year are you? I'm 04. I'm sophomore year, second semester. So I'm about to be a junior. He's like, hey, quit school. Back at Wagner. Yep. Okay.

After you've done the... After one at the salivay, now I'm back. Now they let me back on campus. Not playing football, no. No, no. The NCAA did a testing. My name was on the list. I was like, yeah, I'm not going to play football.

Really? Yeah. I was like, I'm done. I was like, I can't. I'll fail. I was like, I'll piss fucking fire. Like, don't, don't, let's not do that. Put on 100 pounds in 12 days?

Yeah, yeah, right? I'm just Latimer from the program. Just spit, like, yeah, that guy. I love that movie. Yeah, it's like that. I came out my senior year. Wasn't that the best football movie? Yeah, yeah.

That was, that was a, that movie's criminally slept on. We watched a fucking James Khan. Yeah. We watched that. We, the whole team went to watch that when it came out in the fall of my senior year. Leithel team. Awesome. Were you guys good?

Uh, we were okay. We won districts the following. year in Illinois no in Pennsylvania Pennsylvania that's yeah that's heavy football not not really our school but I know what you're talking about football jersey up by him yeah it was there was big CBC West CBEs were big yeah you got because I realized that when I went to college like we you know we were nasty in Rhode Island but we fucking Rhode Island who gives a shit even Zavarian brothers Boston's a big one like that's nothing go to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania those boys yeah those like fucking those hillbillies yeah Florida Texas

California boys you're like who the fuck of these kids wrestling was huge in our area really Like a professional sport Yeah It was insane That's cool Yeah Different kind of guy Yeah

Yeah Yeah different kind of guy Yeah Yeah But yeah So I quit school And did a landscaping How'd that go?

Great Yeah Yeah Really? Yeah Okay So my dad Being the sales

And he is Hits up this one guy For nursing homes And gets 16 nursing homes Before we even open the doors That's the problem With you guy

Not the problem That's your superpower Like You can close It's like on paper. A guy, I already got $300,000 on a books. Just come move to mulch. It's easy.

I'm still at the school. You take the job. He's like, I'll pay you. I think it was like $500 a week salary or $5.5 a quarter a week. And I remember because the summer before that, I was making, I sold cars. I made like $2,500 a week. And I'm 18 years old. Like I knew, I was already fucked up about money.

Like I knew, because I remember when like Morgan Stanley came to Wagner and gave like a, like, we start our analyst positions at $36,000 a year. And I was like, who gives a shit about that? I was selling fucking Ford's the dead. beats in Attleboro making like fucking $83,000 a year. Like I give a fuck for working for you for $36,000 a year in New York City. My rent's going to be, you know, whatever it was then. You're like Rodney Dangerfield

and back to school? Yeah, yeah. Why buy lease? And it's like, you math of your payoffs and what? I got to tell you. Fantasy land. I don't got to remind you who runs a construction companies either. Oingo, boingo's playing my phone rooms. That's deep cut. Yeah. Danny Elfman.

Yeah. Wait, so your dad booked 16 nursing homes Before you even got the business Like the monthly bank Hey, come through, you get mulch 26 cuts, mulching He remembers the contract Who was going to cut all that?

The guys that we hired as soon as I got home. How many guys? We hired like six, like week one And it was like me and a bunch of like Krusty ass fucking deadbeats And like, you know, it's like New England so everybody's like, you know, no one speaks English

So I was like, all right, I'll hire the Barrelville Hicks So it would be like, hey, what's going on? I'm like, trust me, you wish they were, you wish they were Guantamalan lady. Like, this is way worse. These guys are going to your medicine cat. Yeah, exactly. These guys know how to open a sliding door by lifting it and sliding it left. You know what I mean?

Like I shit in here real quick. I got to dump the fucking Percocets make me constipated as a motherfucker. I'm a breaked up. Yeah. You got a cup of something I can shit in? I shit. I landscape, I don't know, for five years all through high school and college in the summers. I loved it.

But, man, I'm ever shitting in the woods. It's crazy. Brutal. I never shit in the wood. I never. I'm a big public shitter, though. You public shit? What do you mean?

Will you shit anywhere? Yeah. Okay, good. Because there's people who won't shit anywhere. No, yeah, I don't, I don't, I'm a touring comedian and go like, hey, I'm only doing it at the hotel room. I'll do the home depots. I'll do the home depots are sleeper good. That's the best one.

Yeah, home depots. So is a CVS. You find a nice CVS going to back. New car dealerships. Yeah. Service area. They never see you coming. Service area.

I'm here to pick up my dad Just picking up my grandma service Okay, just go wreck a Honda dealership They never see you coming But they know when you left Yeah, that's right Like what the fuck happened? You peel in the paint of the walls

I go into a lot So you take this job Going great Okay Build this company up And now I'm like Now 18 and a half 19 And I'm like oh I have a job

It's cool Your dad's making money off the landscaping business He's doing that It's working And he's like you gotta buy a house Is everybody out in this cabin, your mom, your brother? No, my mom's working at a, she was working at like a real estate brokerage. It's okay.

As a bookkeeper. And my brother is also quit college. But everybody's living in the cabin. Everybody's living in the cabin. Oh, yes, everybody's living in the cabin. There's an in-law, so I'm living in the in-law. It's kind of cool. My brother quit college in six days became a realtor.

Okay. Because he had an older lady friend that sold my dad all his houses. I'm sorry, you mean it took him six days to quit or he only went to college for six days? He only went to college for six days. And he was like, I went to Suffolk law and he was like, no, this isn't for me. Fuck this. Came home, got his real estate license, started selling houses right away. You don't make it a week.

That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, we hate college. Like, my parents are like colleges for idiots. Also, who knows in six days? It's like the funnest week of college. Yes, I know. You're like hitting on chick. This ain't for me.

You're hooking up with like fucking track girls that you've never hooked up before. Because there's the first week of college. there's no cool like every it's it's a wild west you that the circles aren't set yet there's no hierarchy there's no no yes like you think pretty girls that are pretty they end up not being pretty and you're like oh I thought you were hot oh you're kind of a fucking weird dork that yeah yeah shits in the showers or whatever you know that was me yeah yeah everybody thought you were cool you're kind of a weird dork yeah no shit's in the shower this guy yeah I heard a piss it in the shower not shit in the shower that's crazy you kick it down the

tree with your feet okay uh that's interesting all right switch it in there Okay, okay, I mean, I guess it works. Whoa, all right. So, now we're doing that, and I did the first year? What age are you? I'm 18. Okay. It's wild.

Fuck, this guy's crazy. He's going to hold the least at this place. I wish. No, again, I'm fucking, I'll be open up a Randy's Bar and Grill next week for, you know, I wish all this stuff equated to whatever it equates to. You're moving tickets out there. Yeah, I'm selling. But you know how it is.

You know, you always, this comparison is the thief of joy, as Bray Brown says. I'll be talking to, like, fucking, you know, any of these other guys. And they're like, yeah, I got hit up Shane left. I was like, hey, Shane, how's that fucking stadiums treating you dickhead? Check out this green room. I'm in the middle. I'm in like an axe murderer's bedroom. They're sitting on a keg.

Yeah. This is cool. I'm skateboarding on a skateboard with no wheels on it, you know? You still got the landscaping money, though. Yeah, yeah, right? He's still doing it. Still coming in. No, I, fuck.

Okay. So that, we did that for years. I did that for three years. I bought a house in the middle of that. In the middle of that, my dad's friend, Vinny comes back. He goes, Nick, I know a company that's converting apartments to condos. That was a big thing in 06. Okay.

Boston company called Schumacher was buying 30, 40, 50 unit apartments and turning them into condos, like developing an HOA doc. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes, go give this fucking deadbeat driver. He's a driver, you know, like a parts driver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a title registry guy. Guys who sit in the dealership and go register cars for 40 bucks. Okay.

They'll do like five in a day. This guy lived in one of the apartments. He has no fucking money. He looked like fucking Wayne Grove from Heath. Remember heat? Remember it? He watches it every morning. Hey, what's going on? I had to get it on, man.

He was going to make a move. Wayne grow. I'm smashing his head into a fucking have a diner. So I go have to go see Wayne. My dad kind of sends me in alone. He's like, you have to go see Wayne Grove and give him five grand to give you his position to buy the condo for 120. But it was Oceanfront in Warwick.

All right. So hold on. There's this guy, this relative, as you call him, as you call him, and dead beat. Yeah. And you have to go, you're buying the option, the right to buy when it goes. condo. Correct. Who comes to you with this?

My dad's friend, Vinny. Your dad's friend Vinny. Yep. How does he know? Because he was buying it because he bought one too. Gotcha. He's like,

there's a better, he's got the best. Wayne Groves, and he did. He hooked me up with the better one because it was like, it was like a V-shaped and it was on the ocean.

It was called Ocean 40 in Warwick. You're 21. I'm 19. You're 19. Yeah. You own the home. Yeah. You bought a house.

I bought it on my, I think it was 19. I bought it on my 20th was when I closed on it. because I remember I closed on it at my birthday and then I sold it I'll tell you how I sold it

Are you living in it? Yeah Is it by your where your dad lives in the cabin? Nope. It's kind of like where Warwick is like

a wannabe rich waspy town where like the insurance whites live. Are you driving back and forth to do the landscaping stuff? Yep. I'd show up there every day. That was...

What's the car at this point? F350 diesel. Then I was like... Then I was like starting to ball out like an idiot. Oh, I went through some cars that. Like drug money.

Then I started to buy. Then I was, started like so you buy a credit card that was good then you buy a car and then i started to do stupid shit first car at the auction fx 35 infinity uh-huh red second car was doing this at the auction yeah i was buying from the auction first car again birthday go with viny drinking drive a hallway home you are an olympic level dirt bag oh yeah and i fucking love it drink and drive the whole way home first car was at a police auction no no edessa the big car auction i went to go buy like an m3 an S-4 or an FX-35.

What the fuck's an FX-35? F-X-35 is the Infinity SUV. They only made three of them. Yeah, in Cherry Red. That? Yeah. That car. When that car, there's that exact one right there.

Oh, my God. I bought it for $28,000. It was in 0-4. It was cool. I think I bought the other first-gen. So I buy that, trade that in in three months by a $2,500 Durhamax crew cab. Still on Roids?

Nope. Okay. No, now I'm just. Kind of drinking a lot. I'm hanging out with, like, DJ Polly D's friends. He's from Rhode Island. Mike Morgan, good friend of mine. There's a thing.

That was Bamargera with us. Like, you can get, I never. I would have traded immediately. Sure, for sure. Damn it. Our friends would be like how close to that circle you could get. Could you get close to Bam? No, mean, I was probably three rings out.

I was three rings out. A kid I knew stayed at the house. Oh, yeah. At the castle. Yeah, like that shit. Yeah, yeah. A kid I knew would stay at the castle. Like the Polly D.

project was Mike Morgan he was in it and I used to go to his parties all the time and get like alcoholism like alcohol like alcohol poisoning like every year and we were like you know 1920 piece of shit but uh they were all there like all those guys I like oh that was a big deal that was when you're in a not a New York and you had like

that's that might as Pauli D might as well be fucking Tom Cruz literally and you're never going to get that is the most famous person you'll ever come in relative contact and my friend Ron Barry's brother, Randy Barry, was on the real world. And he would party with us all the time. Who was he on the real world? He was Randy from the real world San Diego.

And girls used their fucking pussies would melt off when they saw it. Oh, I remember this guy was hot. Dude. Didn't he? I've never seen people flip out more than a real world. We'd be at like a PC bar Providence College, which is like hot Irish hockey girls that are kind of like with it. You know everybody's favorite. That is such a specific road island girl.

Freckles kind of beat. seven two to eight four every one of my cousins shout out bridget oh yeah stop it kids got a type oh yeah Jesus Christ like field hockey girl

that's the one you know like kind of funny really good sense of humor does like physical humor they drink a lot yeah they run through doors and shit chugs a beer in your face they're like Chris Farley the girl

yeah yeah but they're kind of pretty that's that's my type so I and we'd go to PC with this guy it was like it was literally like bringing like fucking Spanish fly like it was like kicking a bottle the Spanish fly on the ground in the bar and girls would be like oh my god Brad from the real world like now my father said Brad came in I remember him clapping out a girl in the back of my dad's my dad flipped out at a midlife crisis about a Hummer a red Hummer each two during this time

I feel like your dad's probably had nine midlife Christ oh yeah yeah he had a really good one it was like what red Hummer I mean he meant his little totally really wanted to fucking give head I was like when did you wear a prom dress too dad Jesus Christ what's up I'm here to party and it might blow you yeah yeah what it's cool no it's not Brad, you met Brad? Yeah, he was, I remember like, he's like, hey, can you get me right back to this girl's dorm room? And I just like, yeah, dude, no problem. Are you kidding me?

I'm like a fucking, you know, like the low rung and a total pole. I'm like, no problem, dude. And I just like look back and he's like, like, look back. He's just clapping and open-legged fucking freshman and like, chich-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. And I was like, wow. This is awesome. Yeah, yeah, made it. I'm going to the Oscars next year.

Yeah, that was super fun. So that all stops going on. and then I think it was like I had a summer of partying and I was like man I got to stop spending like 500 bucks in a week and go and hammer you know it was a great time and then I bought the condo

and I gave him he wanted five grand and Wayne Groh and he's I was like look man I don't got five grand I got $1,700 and he's like oh you fucking getting me dope and he told me you get me fucking five grand I was like I don't have it I don't have it and you got to get out either way so do you want it and I remember like my move was always hold the money

out in front and make sure it was in loose bills if you're ever buying anything at a flea market hold the money out front and say do you want it and make sure the last number is a nine wait what why i'll give you an example say someone wants three hundred fifty dollars you offer them instead of offering them 150 offer them 189 dollars make sure the last digit is high it's a stupid thing what they'll be like really because if it was one 70 they would they would be like no no nine i thought you meant to serial number on the bill no no no just like now i have a hundred nine dollars then hold it in front of them do you want it and nobody says no it's like it's like a

nine point seven out of ten times you'll close that oh this guy's constantly closing well i have to buy it uh i'll get into later but yeah you always have you're always doing those deals you'll you you'll see that people whatever it's an old lady who gives a shit she fucking watch she watch you melt in a barrel fire who gives a shit all right so you buy the you buy the option to buy that you buy that i move in 1700 bucks yep then you get you get this condo i get a no doc loan from who my Coke head friend Matt He gave you $120 cash No no no

Remember when loans you didn't have to It was called stated income I made like You just had to say this is what I made That's right So it was like I made like This is essentially what brought down The world economy

It's all 100 It's happening right now DSER loans are doing right now In Baltimore It's happening right now But it was no doc loans The other guy in Baltimore Is doing his crush

It just came out this morning Anyway so like I was like Yeah I was in the paper this morning I was in the paper this morning I got a loan for I said I made 90 grand I didn't make 90 grand I did that with Apple to get a Macbook

Nice well how'd you how'd you slide out of there They said how much do you know I did it on the computer Is it how much you make I said 300,000 dollars This was on the podcast It was like the first week of the podcast criminal They should lock you up with a ski mask Hey good job Hannibal Lecter over here

You're gonna be doing life after this This guy's stealing retirement homes You're talking about your Venmo credit card Shut up! I'm sticking pick and little old ladies heads I'm shooting like John Joe Pesci in the movie you're gonna embarrasses for a Brad if you ever shows up Brad from the real world I was just going oh yes I've done that yes sorry fuck man so I get that get back to the Ponzi scheme you're at the bar so now the pond this is really good you're

gonna love this is the this is like the so I sell that I kind of I know I have a car payment and the mortgage payment and my parents like they're not no help you out kind of parents they're like You did this to yourself. Go drown. And I'm like, well, you wanted a fucking F-150? You know, I traded this. I traded for that.

Now I have a car payment of like 6.32 a month. You know, and I got a mortgage of like 9.38. And I'm making $55,000. And after taxes, it's like basically I have like $400 a month to live on it. You're breaking it. I'm not doing well. This is like five months in. Like right when I'm starting to crack and I'm like, fuck.

And I'm not getting, and the business doesn't do enough to get me a raise. 11 o'clock at night. my coked out friend that sold me the house my mortgage broker i gotta buy this fucking condo from you it's ocean front and i want it real bad and i was like he's like i'll give you i paid one twenty there's a hundred nine dollars because yeah a hundred nine dollars cash you'll take you won't you and i'm like at that point he goes i'll give you a hundred and eighty thousand for it i was like hold out your hand sold i go i literally we we have a cigarette i shut the door He leaves, I'm packing my shit up that night.

That's dirt bag paperwork right there. You're packing your shit up that night? I'm like, when do you want it? He's like, I know he's crazy. He's like an autistic, really talented cokehead. Like, he's too good to be a mortgage broker. He was too good. He should have never been brokering mortgages, like with this brain and that much drugs.

Because he'll do it. He could do a loan in his car. Like, he was that good. You know, he could be like, all right, sign here. Like, he was like that, that kind of. And he had, like, no rules. You're going to make one of those great guys when they look back at your life when you're like 75, if you make it,

you'll be like 75, and you'd be like, this guy can do a deal in his car, that's how good he was. So fast. Like all the characters in your life? He had a printer in his fucking glove box. He was the first guy to have a fax machine and a dodged Durango.

He tethered on the fucking apartment buildings that he was at. He'd go to Kinko's, always win there by. So we did that, like, we closed in seven days. He bushed me. I remember he was like, Nick, I was fucked up. I can't give you one idea. Negotiated.

Okay. So he pushed me like 10 grand. He's like, I'll give you $1.70. I was like, still done. Still fine. I take $50,000. Now I'm like, is he paying you cash or does he alone? He did a loan, too.

Okay. So. He's that good. He loaned to himself. So you don't really get that money. You just get out of your thing. I got 50 grand profit, though. You get the cut, yeah.

So now I have $50,000 in profit. So I'm like, clearly I'm Don Trump. Clearly, I'm the best developer. I'm sure the first thing in your mind is go claim that on your taxes. Right, right. Yeah, literally. So I'm like, well, I'm clearly a millionaire. air. I had like, I think it was like $53,000 in my makeup. I've never, I remember the day I left. I was like, I'm so rich. I'm living with my parents again. What happened to the house that you bought? The condo. I sold it to him. No, what happened to the original house? That was the house? That was okay. That was the one. All right. So now I'm back in my parents' basement. But I go, I find this house. Now this is right when the market's doing this. It's starting to turn. I find a duplex. I'm like, now I'm going into multi-familys. I'm going to do the condo conversions. I'm going to do the condo conversions. I have. I

find this one on one of my routes. I'm like, I'm going to buy this house for $289. I call Matt. I go, Matt, I want to buy this house. He goes, okay, cool. At the same time, I find another piece of property that can run my landscaping company and pull it out of my parents' house, and it's a house and a commercial property with a billboard, a Lamar billboard. And a lot, very nice company. I'm going to kill it. I'm going to kill it. I'm going to have all. I'm going to have these two units. And the Lamar paid you rent? The Lamar paid like $4,000 a year. It was something. It was like, $400 a month or something. So like, all right, cool. We'll do this. He goes, all right, here's what we're going to do. You're

going to buy both houses from different banks. You're approved for $389. This is the Cokehead. This is the Cokehead. Okay. Now, I love this kid. Of course. He goes, you're going to go to this one from Chase. You're going to do this one from Bank of America. And that's going to be great.

So I buy, we're going to close on the same day. They don't talk. They don't talk. So I close on one. I close on the other one. I close on two houses bang the same day. Now I have $750,000 in debt. I'm like $21, $20, $20.20 and a half.

I got the $53 grand. It's gone. Yeah, yeah. It's gone. And now I'm like, so now I have the two family in North Providence, and I have the commercial insituate that I'm now running my company out of. I'm living in one of them. I rented the house to my uncle, blah, blah.

I got everything straightened out. I think I'm the smartest kid in the world. I call Kiplingers Magazine. I'm like, hey, listen, I figured out a glitch. Kiplingers magazine, which is like the Forbes of kids. Kiplingers? You call them. I call them to, like, I want to be a writer because I'm so smart.

How much coke are you doing? Yeah. None. I didn't do coke until way until an hour ago. Kipplinger personal finance and investment It was like a thing So I'm like hey I figured They call me back

I remember I was on like one of my lawnmowers I turned the lawnmower I was on one of my lawnmower Like hey You're the only guy to field a Kipplinger phone call And they're like Hey we want to talk to you about what you figured out And I was like yeah so if you don't talk to the banks

If you don't let the banks talk to each other You can buy two houses And they're like that's bank fraud And I was like oh my God You aching up Oh let you Sorry the landscapers are here I gotta go by

I just hang up the phone and I was like, shit, shit. You know, then like the wheels started to come off everything. I did a fit. Such, dude, talk about keeping the plate spinning. Dude, I moved a stripper in on a favor from my father from this guy from a construction company. His gumata had to move into my house. She shows up in a Honda Accord. Into one of the duplexes?

Yep, into one of the duplexes. No rent. No, she paid. She was going to pay rent. It was $1,800 a month. Hot. It was a three bedroom. Hot fish.

31 lot of miles What's the What's the fluff No field hockey player Yeah no None of these sweet field hockey players With this great sense of humor Nothing like your cousin

Call you a pussy Cousin Cshaven Call you a pussy That's great Yeah exactly What's the what's the profit On the duplex and the rent

Like are you Is there like Is there good wiggle room there Not much So I really need to get Not enough to get you out of it Not enough to like I couldn't rent it

And the market's going like this And it's starting to tip So like 1800 was tallish for this three-bedroom one bath. I'm living in one with my boys who are starting to stiff me a little bit. My boys are like... I'll get you next week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, dude, I gave you weed last week. And I was like, so what? Like, $300 a month each. Like, I figured it would be like $300, $300, and I live for... Basically, I wanted to break even. Yeah. You know, that was all.

You live for free. Live for free. Slut moves in with her fucking kid. She's got a Lincoln School for Girls uniform. That's the most expensive school in the state. The kid. The kid. and I'm like you can't fake that

that school's 30,000 this has to be some sort of I don't know come to find out she moves in I say yes she pays me the first month everything's fine

hunky dory and three months in starts to get a little dicey you're doing a lease and stuff or is this handshake deal that's all fucking like yeah you know you know Jimmy it's fucking like this

and I'm fucking down like six months goes by I'm 21 years old I'm still like fresh face this is fucking insane it's stupid it's stupid is what it is Then I'm like hey listen Trista whatever her name was you need to fucking pay the rent here I'm gonna call your fucking boyfriend like and then it comes to find out how her daughter has

the school uniform is she got a divorce from the richest guy strip club owner and his only liability was to pay for school and she hammered him and then picked the most expensive schools in state just to get him that's why she's a deadbeat she moves her sister in also a stripper now I'm like you gotta be fucking kidding me so now I have two strippers living in I'm living the other one. I'm trying to renovate a part. I'm doing this thing where everybody who buys houses tries to renovate houses too much. I'm ripping kitchens apart. I'm doing bathrooms. I'm painting too much.

I'm fucking just doing too much and I have no money. I'm living check to check and uh... Do you know how did you know how to do this construction? Yeah, a little bit. How? How? My dad did him growing up. I used to work as my dad. I was like free cheap labor when I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 50, 60, 17, 18, 19, 19th. And I

had like consult. It was the union delegate from 98 to 2002. What are you talking about? Like, guys, they love to tell you how to do a job. You know these guys. They love to sit there. How do I do this job? Come over. All right, I'll be by.

They tell you, like, give you the laundry list of shit you have to do. And you're like, all right, it's all hell. And you're like, fuck it, I'll do it. So it was, like, the thing to do in, like, where I lived. I hung out with a table saw? Yeah, yeah. You like group tools. Like, I'll bring my X by, you bring your Y by.

And then it was just that. But you, like, everybody, you do too much. You know, you think you can go to IKEA and do kitchens and this and that thing. It just all blew up my face. I was a fucking moron. Before you know what, the 50 grand's gone. Two strippers are living next door. I'm getting stiffed.

I'm collecting rent from fucking weird old men. Actually, you know the guy... So anyway, him, some weird professor from New Hampshire. Yeah, so... Wow, guys. That was really great during the break. Funny story during the break. But anyway, like that guy would pay rent.

So this was fun. And then it was just like that. But then eventually, it just... I had to evict her, and I had to go through an eviction. That's like a nightmare process. For everybody. They think it's funny. Like, the people who are getting evicted think it's, like, cool.

It's like, it's like when bums think they're cool for crossing the street slow. And you want to, like, just floor it and turn them into, like, pancake batter. I don't think I've ever had that. No, you never seen one, like, go, like, get cool on you across street. I know exactly what you're talking about. You smell like piss. Like, fuck, fuck you. The bull's on you.

Did she trash the place before she left? Yeah. They always do. Yeah. They never just leave hat and hang. Because it would never get to evils. If they were like, hey, listen, just give me a month, and I'll get out of here. Right, right.

It's never like, hey, listen, could you? And I tried to work it all, like, six times and just it didn't. You never got any flack from the boyfriend? No. Nah, he was, yeah, and I was like this, wow, big shot. I can't even pay his, you know, $650, you know, whatever the hell he has to pay to do this. Okay. It was always like a little, because I'm 21.

They're like 60. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Your dad's like, there's the older generation. Yeah, like, pay for it, big shot. I'm 20. Where's the money? Like, come on, this is easy.

I could, did you think about it in hindsight? Like, I could do that. Did you ever go to him and say, hey, she's not paying the rent to the guy? Yeah, I text him. This is like right when texting Saturday, like, hey, Trish is not giving me the money, dude. I need money. I need my windstrel. Yeah, she's going through a tough time.

And they always like, side for it. Yeah, yeah, of course. Simping for a single mom. So. But then I just, then I just totally defunct on the house. Total didn't pay it. Then I was like that. Then I realized it's over.

They took it. You got foreclosed on. So I called the bank The other one, the one with the billboard They were doing this thing called loan modifications The other one with the billboard I forgot about that one Yeah, right

I have such a distinct picture in my head If you had 300,000 They could say all right you owe me 200,000 That was like a thing We're like, all right, we're going to erase 100 The day that one I had a guy come buy me out for 300,000 on that one My dad snagged all the money on that one

So there was 100,000 on top There was 100, that took? Why? How'd your dad get involved? He was in a little bit of trouble Okay So he needed it. He needed the bread. Gotcha.

All right. And I was like, whatever. We didn't talk after that for a long time. This one, no, loan mod. Bank of America was like, no, we don't do that. And I was like, all right, well. I should talk to your voice to chase. Yeah, now all of a sudden, you just don't talk.

Yeah, I know you're going to be chasing me for a little while. You're chasing the keys for, and I was like, how long? And then I talked to my boy, I was like, how long until, like, the cops come? And they were like, probably a year. I was like, cool. I met my buddy Sam Hyde at the time. And I was like, hey, you want to do stand up? I was started to do stand up in the middle of all this.

It's always in like a fucking, you know what? Let's make life easier and start trying to do stand-up comedy. That would be cool. So I went and I just did stand-up. And I hated it. I wanted to write for Saturday Live. That was like my dream. So I wrote a lot of sketches.

And then I wanted to do a website for my landscaping company in the middle of this. And I had my buddy Sam who went to RISD with my cousin. He was like, hey, he called me up. And he's like, hey, do you still want to do comedy? I was like, hell yeah. I was like, why don't you move your shit into my house? I have like, we don't have to pay rent. We're going to foreclose in this house.

So we can, the electricity's on. We're going to, like, crash this place out. Move in, sound guys, moving. So we had, like, two dudes, like, just people living in this out. It looked like this. This is what my living room looked like for, like, six months. And all my friends who knew me, all my Guido friends are going to be like, what the fuck are you doing here, Roachford?

This is weird. You're like an artsy guy now. And we were doing, like, weird videos. Yeah, this is fucking, you guys are weirdos. You're not going to do scams no more? I got a pumping dump scheme I'm working on. I got a tele dialer. Can you believe it?

You can't know right when the iron's hot Yeah, so then we just started making Comedy videos And then it was just I foreclosed on the house And that was pretty much it So you got a proper foreclosure on you Yeah, oh yeah No, my credit score went from like, you know, 700 to

It was like 401 or something It was so low that my cousin was like Dude, this is artfully bad Like you are a criminal This is like you have to work this This is hard to get this low Like at your age this is like you should be impressed.

You are a fucking loser in the eye of the bank. They should throw you through the front doors of the bank by your, like, shirt collar. Eddie Murphy and Beverly. Yeah, just like, literally. So you sell the one. Your dad gets that money. You deal with this.

Now I'm like, dead broke. I had a Harley to my name that I sold for five years. Why? When did you get that? I bought it. One of my dad's friends gave me a deal on a Harley. I bought it. I think I found a problem.

Yeah. That's all, yeah. Did you know how to ride a motorcycle before that? Yeah, kind of. So I rode Harleys for like a half a year. It was fun. It was actually, I didn't like it that much. I built, like, a Harley with, like, this old Hell's Angel friend of my dad's.

It was cool. What? It was cool. Remember when, like, choppers? Remember when, like, OCC was around? Yeah. And, like, Biker Buildoff and, like, uh, Detroit brothers and all those guys were building. Man, nearly 2000s really got their hook in you, bro.

Oh, dude, it was bad. Like, fucking Maxim magazine was fucking in my blood. You know what I mean? Got out of H. I had to, like, drown my mother. Jennifer Love You. Yes. What you was.

wouldn't have done for Jamie Presley. Oh, my gosh. Jamie Presley. She's in Rhode Island right now at Comic Con. I wanted to drive home last night. I'm like, sorry, hon, we're getting a divorce. I'm going to go chase Jamie Presley. I'm going to go take my shot at the convention. Get him away from me. I'm like running out of her like Borat. Pam Anderson putting a bag over. Just running through. She was there.

I found out. I was like, what the fuck is she doing there? I mean, you know. I think you're a genius. No, I will. Like proper. No, no. This is all like, it was all like happenstance and believing. A little bit of faith will go along with. No, you're a super smart guy. Obviously.

But used in the, I mean, you're very much of like. Twisted and evil. Yeah. Remind me very much of my father, which is not a good. I'm proud of you, son. Listen, buddy. No matter what your mom says, I'm proud of you. Change your act.

It don't end well. I just want you to know after I pass. I just want to let you know. I've always, I tell everybody. You've been dead to me for years. I should have called you. Every night I pull your phone number up. I stare at it and I just don't have the balls to call.

you. I'm so proud of you. That's probably, probably dead on. That's probably fucking dead on. You know that song from Uncle Buck? I play that song, too. He's more of an Uncle Cracker kind of guy. Oh, cool. I mean, okay, well, we're going to have to put, I mean, there's obviously, you know, another

seven episodes. I think you should move in here, to be honest with that. No, no, do not know. We make sure you leave, and we're changing the locks, even though he never even seen the keys. No, I wish. Make sure that ring camera's working. I'm fucking, first of all, blown away. Yeah. I know. I mean, I'm sure everybody's got their fair share of shit. I think all comedians got shit. I couldn't, I couldn't even keep up what the hell was going on. I promise you

there's no elaboration that is all unfortunately true. I don't have you want with it. All my hair's gone. You know what I mean? Like, you know, it's just, there's a lot of evidence of like that. Do you guys have bad tattoos? No, I never got, I never had the money for a bad tattoo. I'm sure you have plenty. I'm just going to say, does you have a nice bad tattoo? No? Fat guy with a bad I know you don't have one like stupid like the little devil man cheeseburger or something Tasmanian devil on your shoulder blade or something Footprints of your dog or something You got the roadrunner on my calf

Got the brain dad roadruner that says fuck you or something I saw a guy yesterday big fat guy with a lacrosse like a lacrosse like a lacrosse head Stick on the back of his calf and I was like I made that guy sucked Yeah Golly written over for sure rapist You had the Indian feather on it, too? I was like, that guy stunk up with my hand. Yeah, you bench rider.

Well, obviously, you know, I want to, before we've got to wrap it up, unfortunately. What, the St. Reed, you came with a bottle of water from the St. Regis Hotel. Yeah, it's my favorite. Can we get a rate on a night at the St. Regis? It's low right now. He knows these things. I know. The St. Regis is, it's points.

It's Marriott Bonvoy points. You're a Marriott. I'm married. I'm married. My wife say was a TJX buyer. She was a hotel person. I've learned this. I learned this on StoryWool.

Yeah. Who did you marry? That's what I want to know. Irish girl, just like his cousin. No, but I think. Jessica Quinn. What does she do? She was a buyer for TJX, home goods.

That's the brain. That's like the big brand. So home goods, women's contemporaries and stuff like that. Cool job. Staying in hotels a lot. We end up meeting in an antique store. I end up selling antiques in the middle of that. I end up buying another house at tax sale, which is another story.

for another time, but I sell antiques with her. I open an antique store. I say, listen, I'm a straight guy that sells antiques. Find me a girlfriend to the little lady that runs in the store. She goes, okay, no problem. Sure, shit. Week later, she's like, there's a girl over there. Wait, you were buying antiques beforehand, before you met her.

Yeah. Why? I went to an auction by accident, an antiques auction. I was looking online, and I was at a weird flea market, and the guy goes, come to my auction on Mondays, you'll steal shit. And I said, okay. And then I went there, and I started stealing shit, like, just dollar for stuff. And I was like, this is cool, this is cool, this is cool, this is cool.

and I started selling an antique small and making like an extra 500 a week and I started running yard sales out in the front of my yard that's always foreclosing on the other one and I was making another 500, 22, three. Yard sales? Yard sales, Brotamont, Craigslist

and you can make like an extra nickel a week. Anybody calls it a nickel? Have you ever done anything normal? I sold cars. I like I sold cars a lot in the middle. I sold for Accura. I sold for Mercedes-Benz for three years. I was a good Mercedes-Benz sale.

I sell 300 cars a year, you know? I don't think there's anything you probably can't do. I have a lot of miles on me. I'm like a, I'm like a fucking whore. How old are you now? 41. 41.

Yeah, yeah. You look pretty good. Great. I take my shirt off. My body will tell you differently. Well, this is a shirt on podcast. It's all bad tattoos. Yeah, it's all bad tattoos.

You put your, like, two fingers on my liver. You're like, dude, get to the hospital right now. I'll give you an ambulance ride. Visible hernia is? Yeah, I have, like, blood come. I have John. I have Michael Jordan eyes. So you're standing to St. Regis.

Yeah. So is that purely on points? Yeah, it's usually on points. You come a little bit of a hotel slot. I like hotels. You guys must stay in nice hotels. We don't stay in nice hotels. We don't you have a tour bus?

No, I mean, we've rented a tour bus. You know how much a tour bus is? We've rented, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazyer than any St. Regis. We have a conversion van that we own. We bought a fully loaded from Fred Bean. Shut out Fred Beans. Fully loaded conversion.

I hope you gave it to him for invoice, less cost of Sherwood conversion. He didn't. We didn't even get a deal. Unbelievable. What's the interest rate if you don't know. I didn't know. I would have snagged you. I could have got a Mercedes.

a couple months ago for 83 grand, one of those $200,000 ones. I have a sprinter van I bought. You got a sprinter. I bought a sprinter. Who's driving it? Me? What are you doing with for the scuffed realtor's life? Oh, you drive? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive. Kind of like you guys. I'm not a provost or provost like you guys are. No, we're in a, no, we're usually in the Chevy Express and then every was modified by. Chevy Explorer. Yeah, it was modified by a high roof. Yeah, we got the high roof.

Yeah, we got the high roof. TV, all that stuff. Captain's chairs. I think it's for that. A buck to Buck 05? 90. 90. 90. 90. Hot. Hot. It's a 2003 Don't tell nobody Is it champagne color What color? Nah navy blue Navy blue

Nick can I tell you something I love you man You're like Not one of my favorite people Of all time I'm here anytime He goes in you guys I knew I heard

I've heard nothing But good things about you guys Always so I was really Really looking forward to doing As soon as you said I was like yes I'll be there Monday Yeah You did not disappoint

He's like what time 1130 1139 I got my kids in the car I made the mistake I have my kids I have two kids You have two daughters You brought him here with you

Yeah they're at the the hotel. Yeah, they're eating fucking, yeah. They're buying beef, borganyan right now. They're buying counterfeit bags at Times Square. Yeah, exactly. My luck, my wife will be like, she's probably in the back of a cab right now. But she's at, yeah, she's probably at sacks.

I was like, just go buy sale something stupid. I went to F.A.O. Schwartz this morning with my kid. I snuck in the back door of the line. That was a good idea. Who did you steal? I tried to, yeah, I stole the people's time because it was a line, and then I saw this, like, gypsy lady, just opening the door, walking in the back door. And I was like, hold it for me!

And I just ran it with my daughter. Because it was like an hour line You're fucking insane No you got it with the kids I can't with these kids Don't get me sawed with these kids I thought to scream literally I was like maybe I should have been single

Every time what you do Yeah Ruining my life I mean We got we got scuff realtor Yeah We got million dollar right now On tour right now

On tour right now Million dollar extreme We got the podcast Perfect Life perfect life Perfect Guy life With Sam Hyde That's right You got the fucking

The Furniture Store Yeah Chimonics House Chimonics House Antique Rugs If you want a If you want a $35,000 rug for $6,000, you call me. You can go into a place like ABC Carpard Home.

You're going to talk to them. They're not going to be nice to. They don't give a shit about you. You call me. You show me something you like. I'll give you the exact copy for $0.22 on the dollar compared to an ABC Carpent Home, Saffave, any of this shit. You call me. The real ones, not the fake ones.

Shop it to high hell. Shop me all over the world. I don't care. I'm the cheapest in the internet. And I'm a nice guy about it. I'll take it back in just the restock fee. You can keep it. It doesn't depreciate.

Treat it like a Rolex watch. Whoa. He just went into it right there That's right You need it I'll get you guys one I just want to be friends There was bloodstains on that rug

When you got it by the way But it wasn't for me It was from the Sultan The business is doing well You're doing good stuff Yeah it's pretty popular It turns out when you don't try to gouge people And you don't try to go

Like Nazim y'all And all these people that are just big Big dogs over here on Fifth Avenue And you're pretty decent You can be cheap I'm just an honest mean Trying to make a buck in this world Trying to help feed my daughters

You know what I mean Just help me feel my daughter Sneak in that fair of Schwartz Yeah Shit. Nick Rochert, everybody. Yeah, what a fucking, what a fucking journey. Man, what a fucking clinic.

You are fucking awesome. No, you guys are the best. Thank you so much for having it. But you are 100. You're 129% fucking garbage. Perfect. Oh, baby. Anything else you want to plug?

Anything you want them to know? No, just shamanicshouse.com for scuffed realtor ticket. We do the show live. You send me a real estate listing. I give it a thumbs up, a thumbs down. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. A little bit.

You can ask me. car sales anything you want we're live we're doing big big places small places 50 seats 200 seats one seat to I don't know who who fuck knows I just started touring like you guys I don't I don't I don't really know how to do it I'm not a stand-up comedian so we'll figure it out also I'll be it looks outside in it looks awesome the vibe the videos in the stories that I say it looks so fun it it looks very cool and very unique yeah we have a good it's kind of like it's got a good there's a good energy it's a fun I want it to be weird and strange I'll be with you guys

next week it's gang fest yeah we'll get to her up we'll go to Brennan's will eat turtles all right i might have to i might be busy that day no it's gonna be delicious he brings his own turtle 22 cents on a dollar i ain't paying you a box price yeah holy shit no no nick roshered everybody big round of applause unbelievable kibby what do you got for him uh guys we're on the road tickets available at are you garbage dot com we see you out there gang we love you nick we fucking love you and we'll see you next week