Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Nick Rochefort Returns!

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Nick Rochefort! You know Nick Rochefort from Stand Up Comedy, Matan Even Podcast, Scuffed Realtor, Perfect Guy Life Podcast, Million Dollar Extreme, Harland Highway Podcast, Story Warz, Legion of Skanks, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Cheers Restore: Same night out — way better morning with Cheers. For a limited time our listeners are getting 20% off their entire order by using code GARBAGE at https://CheersHealth.com Better Help: Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/garbage Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that I figure out to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, A Trulley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootty's in a new edition. She's off doing a polar plunge.

Okay. In the scuyl. All right. Which I told her was a little dangerous. Dirty. All right, whatever. Okay. My co-st is coming out you from right next to me.

He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman of my best pal in the whole. whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang. Shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, and the boys are climbing a friggin' charts. Yeah, we are. Then obviously the greatest website of all time. You take your little tablet out, your little phone, you'll test out, wherever you got, www. www.com slash are you garbage? Woo! Love that money, gang.

Yes, we do. And gang, we couldn't be more excited ever. Incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guests back with it again today. He is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in high-end fabric that you got at a second-hand store. Yeah, wrapped in a 24-month prosciutto. He looked like I'm made of Delhi ham.

A little bit of Gabba, Gould. Give it up for Nick Rochefort, everybody. Thank you for having me. King is back. Good to be back. In another realm, you are an evil genius. You're a Lex Luthor somewhere. I think we're in that realm, actually.

We don't know it. He hasn't made his move. That's nice. No, that's nice to say. I'm just a fucking moron. No, stop saying. I'm a fucking moron. No, you're...

And every time you walk in here, you two start going off... I interrupted you. You're my... You're my... You're my... You're my... You're my... What are going on?

What he got going on? He's texting me. I'm texting him thing. You always have good ideas, but I interrupted you and your trigonometry homework that you were doing... What trigonometry homework? Yeah, you were like, you had equations up and you were like, one second, I'll be done, and you were counting on your fingers. When was it?

Right when we walked in here? He also thinks this happened. He's like, wait. When was I the chalkboard? Man. Triggers Nomitry. I generally feel like if this was the movie, something would happen to me,

and like you guys would be, you would find solace and Nick and be happy forever. He'd be stealing my credit card numbers. What are you talking about? But I feel like intellectual. He's a dirty, dirty person. I feel like intellectually, you'd be better off with Nick.

No. I would. I need someone I can manipulate. I would die tragically. Well, that's going to happen. Saving a bunch of people. Yeah. I get my dick.

I get a hero's death in the movie. But then you guys go off. That's when you find your bag of oranges. Like, what's her name in the town? Sure. But I'm not in Florida. I'm dead. I'm doing coke.

You found coke. We're talking about the town. Continue your conversation with you guys were saying before. You were saying... I said he's a bit of a man of two faces. And I'm saying this is an ugly man myself. Not that you're ugly, but you go... No offense to you, personally.

No offense to you, anybody. I have a full head of hair that I choose to shave anyway. You know what I mean? I like the fact that I have a double A cup tits. Sometimes I look at you and I go, there's a dashing. Don't listen to him. Like kind of like movies, something, like good character, good, you know, good blinds. You know, you're a man's man kind of.

And then other time, when you were saying, I look like shit right now. Yeah. A little bit of patchy skin. No, I have deli meat. My fucking organs aren't producing whatever the hell. Needs some enzymes. Don't listen to him, Nick. You got good color.

You got good style. You look good. You got the hat. Don't worry about your. You think so? The shaved head. You shaved your head. You mean you?

Broads like that. I'm going to say it like a lot lizard, like a like an ugly stripper. You really think so? Or I'm covering my no teeth. No, I have a, no, the organs working back on over like not drinking for since the last. It's big. It's huge. Your skin's like, oh yeah, you can be skin.

But like I have like cornflake textured skin. Yeah, me too. I feel so bad for ever fucking my wife ever. You know what I'm like you should. If I was ever having sex like my wife should shoot me from below me. You know, she should be like, ah, ah, wham! For even thinking I could. I know.

Someone's attracted and I'm like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, literally. How damaged are you or blind? My big thing of getting married, I was like, I was like, I was like, I'm so happy. I don't have to reveal this to anyone ever again. Right. There's like, that reveals done. She's as comfortable with it and she's going to be.

We're on residency, baby. Yeah, and I'm not going to, I don't have to go, this is it. Tadda. No new material, just a couple of shows in Vegas, a couple times a week. Played ahead. You get comp at the tables. Boom. A magic trick.

I made you throw up inside your mind. I'm too bad. I do have one thing that I, you know, obviously you're a man of many stories. Alectic guy. Smart guy, business, fashion, style. You are. Don't give me that shit. See, stop, stop.

Hold on it. You know that looks hipster. I would say. I bet you Luke would take him down to one of your spots in the lower east side, right? We'd go to the monkey bar and eat. The best burger in the state, or we'd go to the, we'd go get free tables at the polo club or whatever. Wait, is the monkey bar a real spot? Yeah, it's a hard to get into spot.

Very tough res. Yeah, what's the toughest res in the city? You know, you stankly. I mean, for Charles, easy. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's like, we can't get that. No. President can't get that.

You couldn't get me in the carbone for my birthday, you'll loser. I got you a jar of sauce. It's just as good? It's just as good. We got you some of their frozen ravioli. Yeah, microwave prince, prince fucking rigatollies. I do stink. Get me over at Smith Lewinsky like an asshole.

Yeah, waiting table. Here's my one thing. I pride ourselves on getting the dirt, right? And obviously you do a lot of curveballs, a lot of wacky fucking stories. Strange guy, man. But one thing that we missed that I was shocked at was somebody said, how did you not get to Nikki two guns? Oh, God.

Do you know about Nikki two guns? No, but I like it. No, this is going to get way better. All right. So you guys got a bunch of cool. I had no idea. This is garbage, what are you? Like, you can always say, what's the worst tattoo do you have if you have any tattoos?

There's never been good answers, though. It's never been good answers. Not this good. The show is made on this. We've never really asked about tattoos that. There's never been. I'm shocked. Oh, you know what, you know what realm we do put the tattoos in?

If somebody a relative has the Looney Tunes. Looney Tunes are Disney. Anything below the knee? Yeah. The calf is bad. Any words? like loyalty, respect, only time is money, only God can judge me.

Progress? What the fuck? Those are my two guns. Why is one a revolver? That's because it has my parents' date on it, and my dad liked Westerns. Wait, your parents' date, what do you mean? Does that say progressive?

It's just progress. That was a real poet. It gets better. It gets better, guys. This is crazy. Now, when you're 14, when you're living in the hometown that I grew up in, you know the rich lacrosse hometown that I grew up in, you find a tattoo artist

that tattoos children for $75. So for $75, I got... They must have been great. Check this out. Oh, my, Rochefort. Now, that should have been Old English because when we were kids, Mark McGrath had Irish tattooed on his shoulder blades,

and we all wanted that. And then the guy from the Flies video had the other one, his name. Now, you couldn't... The reason why that's not Old English is... You mean I got you where I want you? Yeah, yeah, I remember the Flies video? You were like, man, that's a cool tattoo.

That guy was... That guy was smoking hot. Old English. Old English was the shit. But when I asked my tattoo, Fadi, the guy who tattoos children in a tattoo shop, a third-story walk-up apartment building where I was tattooed on a weight bench where I rode my bike to and I paid him in cash. So not a real classy operation.

Not a clean operation either. But no, the reason why it's not Old English, because when I asked him to do my last name in Old English, she said, I don't know how to do Old English. I'll just do something badass that everybody likes. So you guys can freeze. Yeah, and that guy ended up dying from hepatitis. So that's cool. Well, you survive that.

Yeah. There's a pretty good change you could have got hepatitis. Yeah, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, so that's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm still alive and my wife has hepatitis, but I, she got it. Um, wow. I forgot about hepatitis. I forgot, I had to worry about that. Yeah. You have it now.

I was, I was going to say, I was going to. I was going to, those tattoos. I was going to, those tattoos, man. Awful. Wait, why the two, are those guns you've owned at some point? No. They're just too random. Progress?

What's progress? I was like, I wanted graffiti lettering. I was a graffiti guy. Oh, wait, you were, what was your bag handle? Oh, God, there was a million of them. This is crazy. How do we miss all of that? You were just talking about accordion, uh, direct, D-I-R-E-K, and then I would do like,

it was really, I used to do it. I was, I was, I loved it. I didn't spray. I was always like a marker guy, but, you know, you know, when you're like a snowboarder piece of shit kid. Wait, hold on. X games. X games.

Gravity games, dude Mountain dude Backside Code Red That was me And I'm like Crunch trap supreme Everybody

Well I got to Hold on a second We're moving too fast Heavy Dude that fucking Dirtbag lifestyle When we were kid Dude anything

I mean that was like Dude to spray paint To be a graffiti guy Old English Young tattoos Frosted tips I will say this We had these

I had all of them I'm 10 years older than you guys Wiser. And I used to, you know, really, really shit on you. As far as, like when you were younger. Those guns are pretty cool. I got to be honest. But this guy, fatty sounds all right.

Now, where can I get this hepatitis everyone's talking about? Dig him up from his non-grave-dance. When you really think about it, the machine really threw it at you guys hard. Dude, media started all that. It was so focused. American Pie, Maxim Magazine. Maxim, FM, there was like 10 magazines on being a dude. All the processed food you could handle.

High fructose corn syrup. New flavors coming. Extreme flavors. Extreme flavors. Dude, there was drinks just to drink while you played video games. Like, how could, how was I supposed to survive? Yeah, we were militarized. I mean, it was a military operation.

They were teaching us how to please women. You know, like, Max and Magazine. You do the alphabet with your tongue. It was like an instructional. They don't like that. Backside. Hang on. That's a good tip.

Alphabet. Yeah, alphabet with your tongue. Yep. And then a Carmel intellectual will want to bang you right away. Yeah, you guys got hit pretty hard. Tower Reed, but the problem is you get Tara Reid 2026, not 20. She had a bounce back, though. Yeah.

She did a little bit. Yeah, her head hitting the nightstand in a hotel after a Dubai prince kicked her in the room. Yeah, forget about that. You had Tara Reid, you had Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah. Man, you guys didn't stand the fucking change. No, we were dead in the water. Dead in the water.

Not a fucking change. Radicalized garbage. Yes. It was tough for us. We had a American, we had Jason Biggs on a countertop, fucking a pie. I mean, we were. Shannon Elizabeth. And that was like mainstream.

That wasn't even like this is counterculture. That was like number one in the box. Forget about it was going on a lime wire at the diamond. Right boys? Yeah, we was stealing music for Christ's sake. Guys, Naps was going to jail for that. I mean, then we had the precursor at Camp Nowhere. Remember Camp Nowhere?

That was when the kids steal their parents' money for going away for summer camp and they make their own camp with Christopher Lloyd. And then that was the first time you saw kids kiss. Yes, yes, yes, of course. That was like, oh, whoa, French kissing. That was a little illicit. I thought you were talking about some dark web shit, which I don't want to know. No.

I don't want to know what you know. Not in the Epstein era. No, no, no. Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, how many tattoos total would you say? I've got, well, I haven't gotten a tattoo in 20 years. That's good.

That was the last one I got. How old when you got the progress test? Oh, that was, I was 19. And what was the, what did it mean? Forget about the style. What did it mean? Nothing. I have ethic and optimism tattooed on this one because I thought it was like momentum when I was

19. I was like, you need to remember the. these fundamentals to keep your life on point. If you tattoo these words on your arm, you will forever be... He's crossing his eyes like, Buddy Hackett. Yeah. It's like just a real jock poet. Like, I was desperately...

But you were sincere about it. Yeah, I thought it was cool. It was a lot of progress. It was cool. Yeah, I got to be... It was... I remember my boy got loyalty tattooed on him. It's the same thing.

And we were like... And at the same time, he was fucking our other friends' girls. girlfriend and I was like dude that's not loyal even then at this point I was like you're going against the code man it's on your arm he's like lions never sleep yeah that shit lions were big any any clocks lions were big yeah like these are like I know you it's trust me I get it it's the cringiest thing I got I mean it's literally like coolest if you ask me it's a cool thing you got it's it's fucking it's it's like the program the movie level like sentimentality it was like just the thing to do you know it's it's embarrassing a shit but the program

came out in 1993. Damn it. My senior year of high school. The best movie ball time. Playing football. Our whole team, we went and saw it like four times. It was great. We were in.

How many of you wanted to be Latimer? Juicing? Yeah. You leading me on! Oh, God. I love that. Latimer's a great character. Yeah.

Yeah. So I get it. So at the time it was. And now you flip into the eye, you know, the ironicness of it. Jamie Fox had the guns in any given Sunday. He did? Yeah. On his back.

On his back. On his back. And I was like, wow, that's a cool tattoo. I want that. And I remember telling the guy. Did you own any guns at the time? I don't even own it. I have one gun now.

I don't even know where it is. I don't even know what it is. I own a gun like a pride parade. I'm like, oh, that thing's like, it makes a loud noise. I got a wrist racket. Yeah. It's not good. Like my, I think they look cute.

Sure. So you got, okay. I like guns. Like people like, yeah. So that was your last tattoo. Yeah. I'm going to go get more now. I'm having my midlife crisis is going to be a full back tattoo full of Russian prison tattoos.

Why? You can't. I want them. I'm having a crisis. There's only God can judge him, dude. I need to look smacks. I would advise against that. Really?

You can't go faking Russian mob tattoos? What are you nuts? You know whatever fuck you want? They're not here. They're not here? Stay away from Brighton Beach then. Really? And you didn't hear that for me.

Oh, you did look coutors and Scientipitosburg? I wouldn't do that. No? No. Get like catches and stuff. You're also not a cool dude. You're right. Me and Nick are bullies.

You should get the aim. chair tattoo. Yeah, that would be cool. Do shit like that. That'd be cool. But you're into that stuff and you make that stuff cool. Yeah, I wish. I... No, no. I think I'm having like a full-on, like I'll get like Jesus pieces and Christian and Catholic pieces. Did you ever own any?

We called DeGever, we called a chain with a charm. We called them charms. I never had a chain. Never did a chain. My brother does chains. I don't do chain. I wish. I feel like I would get me claustrophobic. They're back heavy. Get a nice cross like this. I would. I want that. Bert. Bert has a nice one too. Bert is a nice thing

gold one with a nice piece a saint and a cross really yeah it's sharp that's what you should be I actually get a chain I'll go to the 47th street get a chain from Rex there you go Rex watches do you ever own any um you know echo like what was what was the what was the passion and I had fubu my cousin John John used to get he was like a a big guy and I was like eighth grade I got like big she was fat I was a fat eighth grade and then I got skinny I'd go up and down you guys were very lucky with that your generation too. Yeah.

For fact guys, you were able to do the big sweatsuits. The baggy clothes was big. Yeah. The big hoodies every day. I didn't have that shit in fucking 85 when I was a fat kid in fucking seventh grade. I told you I was walking on that skin tight Adidas, velvet fucking. Just trying to break dance. Looking like the kid for Bansana.

You were pretty good at it. You got like one move down. What do you mean you can't beat box? Always look like you're about to start. I stunk. Yeah. I tried to break dance too. I get it.

No, I had a, I had a Fubu rugby shirt that I remember distinctly. That's probably pretty dope. Yeah, pretty dope. Yeah, it was good. Did you ever do a do reg? No. That was for the high level. Yeah.

High level white dirtbag. Yeah. What about tap out? You ever do tap out? Nope. No fear? I had a no fear shirt. No fear.

First place is, what is it? Second place is first loser. That was my tap. My no fear shirt. Did you have anything on the windshield of the car? I had an escalade. I had 24s. What?

What are we talking? 9. I think you told us about the escalate. Yeah, I got a DUI in it. That was a big Rims guy. Well, dude, how could you not be? But not the banner on the front of the table. No, no, no, like, lower.

You'd give the lower one if you were really jeet out. I had the escalate EXT. Oh, the truck. The truck, the Pearl White. Yeah, it was sick. The White? Yeah. Tony.

Tony, the wholesale of my guy. Vinny got him for me. Dude, I mean, that was prime escalade years. Rap. It was in every song. My dream car, and people will still send it to me when it pops up online, is like a 2005 escalade with Lamborghini doors and spinners. I don't think that's a future classic.

I'm just throwing that out there. I think in the next coming couple of years, the 05, because the escalate, it's a funny thing in the car business where... They're already kind of coming back, those cars from the mid-2000s, right? You ask anybody who ever own an escalate? If anybody who ever owned an escalate? They have, like, a culty. They're like, I love my escalate.

And I'm talking like yuppies. Like tennis yuppies will be like, no, no, no, say what you want. Don't talk about the escalate like that, which is a funny thing to say yuppies. But you should just get one. I just got a, I just got a Tahoe last week. I thought when you're halfway there. When you sent us a picture of that from the inside, I didn't think it was newer. I thought it was like mid-2000s, which I kind of respected.

Mine. I was going to buy a used one. They just didn't have one that I liked mile-wise. And I didn't want to call him because he was going to give me. this stuff I didn't want to hear. That was my private helicopter. We're going to hunt for you. What?

You're going to hunt for you. We're going to find you one from South Carolina. No. Gamecox coach. That goes against everything in me. You just got to go. I walk on the lot, check in hand. What do you got?

Yeah. That one. Yeah. Guy seemed like a good guy. I never test drove it. He was good. Guy was fast. Yeah.

Maricio was his name. Gave me a warranty. They won 2,900 for the warranty. I said call it two grand. That's the way of my dad operated. And not that he really knew he was talking about, and he kind of did, but he would go in, beat the guy up. As long as the guy said no to something, he would make the deal.

That's, yeah. Just show me that you're human. What else was I going to get? They got to make money, too. Everybody got to eat. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. What'd you get?

Tahoe. Tahoe, what color? Sage green. Not even. Mint julep. No, like the tan. Or not tan. I'm sorry, the gray or whatever it is.

You didn't get black? I didn't have it. Also, I didn't want to look like a fucking Uber driver. That's true. That's fair. Oh, that was the only one I could drive away that day, so it had to get up. That's another thing that would. You were like banging the table impatient, like, yo, oh, like real bad.

Hello? Oh, you don't want to, you owe my money? That was thrown around a little bit. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Gang, we're coming into the spring. Sometimes it's tough to look around trying to keep it up with the Joneses. It seems like everybody's got everything together and that you're falling behind.

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Oh, wow. I want a new guy. I want a car. What do you? I'm not driving out of here? Yeah. Give me a hat. Did you do that one? No. I want a Chevy hat. I bought it. I bought it a email. I want a GMC. hat. I want a hat. That's a big one. Well, Patriot. Hit me up. Yeah, Patriot Chevrolet. Auto Group. They do many. Oh, no.

I want a regular regular car hat, too. I tell you what, man. I saw that, this comes out soon, right? The show? Yeah. Tomorrow. Is it? Come on tomorrow? Are we known to can't them for a couple of months? I got to wait until sweep sweep. What are you talking about? You got Nikki Bowes at the table.

You get it out on the street. Right. Before I saw the Indy 500 yesterday, Matt. That's that. Between that and the F1 show, Man, I'm getting in that racing. I like it. I like you in racing. Yeah. I like that.

Which one do you like better, the Formula One of the Indy? I don't know. He got me in the Formula One a little bit with the F1. I tell you what, man, that goddamn NASCAR. Those guys are rubbing paint and they're fucking going fast all the time. And they were down to the fucking almost last lap and they were all still tight together. Who's the guy? Is it a Truex?

Martin Truex Jr. I don't know who won. Decker, I think, won yesterday. He's a new guy. I was a, I was a, I was a, the earned. My dad drove my dad. My stepdad was an amateur stock car racer. Really?

Very amateur. That's, you know. Flemington Speedway. A lot of Harvard grads in that audience. Then he put the horsebar day through the dang room. Dude, that was. Who's running today? Uh-huh.

I wouldn't say amateur. He was, he was getting there. Could have got there. I had a friend that was. How far off from Sealing's Grove was he? Or Seelonsburg. About the same, but that's still, you're still far off. You're racing for like 300 bucks.

How the fuck do these guys know multiple tracks? We're dirt bags. Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, you guys know more than one? Is it Seelingsburg or Seelons Grove? Seelons Grove. Salon's Grove, yeah, shout out there. Wow. You want a fun night, go out there and watch the race.

Really? Dirt track. Old school. Dirt track with the swing you made in a couple of fucking sidelines. Guys are moving. Um, hmm, okay. All right, so Nick's a scumbag. For the most part.

Have you ever crashed someone else's car? I don't know if I did. No. Let me see. You know what's a fun thing we used to do? Two things come to mind. Bank jobs. You know when you're drinking. Knock over a bread truck. Volts. When you're drinking and driving. No. I've never done it. Yes. So we used to drive girls cars home from bars. We had a buddy's house that was always like, after the clubs let out, we had one guy that would like let. What were these clubs? Sorry to cut you off. Club Eagles. Club Prove. This is what? You're 19, 20, 20 years old. 18, 19, 20, 21, 21. You're doing pretty well.

Having fun. Yeah. And you're in your hometown. In our hometown Providence. We're 15 minutes outside in Johnson. My buddy had a house. That's smart. One of my buddies had like a cool house.

Talk about drinking and driving. No, no, but I'm just saying. We used to drive the girls' car. Be like, you girls want to come over? Like we were like in the Guido time. We grew up in like Jersey Shore era. DJ Polly D grew up in my town. Right.

So like he was around. A buddy of mine, Joe Quachrochi's, he was around. Parents had a small interest in a nightclub where it was a nice place. Small interest. Yeah, I don't like the way you. I said that. Small interest. Yeah.

But we walked in like he had a large interest. Of course, that's how you got to do it. People get, like, turned down for the wrong shoes, and we'd walk in there in, like, bathing suits and, like, ugs. Yeah. Like jokingly, like, uggs slippers and shit. They'd be like, come on. Nicky, come on in. You know, and I'm, like, the poor friend.

These guys have cool interests and clubs, and we're leaving. Such a dirt bag. And whenever we leave. That's what you say is the defendant. I had a small interest in the place. Smoking cigarettes in the club, and then you burn people's elbows to get to the back. Do you ever do that? What?

No. where you burn people's elbows to move faster through the club, when you could smoke inside. You would rip cigarettes and you would just like, you would touch the back. And they move. Oh, oh, and you'd like right through the back to get to the back door. What the fuck is wrong with you? That's so much fun.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was cool. That's how I started smoking cigarettes. It was cool. And then we'd like, hey, do you girls want to come back to the house? Smoking six is cool. It is. I miss it.

I miss it so much. I'm going to have one as soon as I leave. Let's have one answer. Yeah, let's let's go buy two packs. You just smoke them right there on the corner. and then we would drive the girls' cars home and we would drive them. What was this?

Did you know these girls or you met the girls? My buddy's having my buddy's having an after party. I'll drive so when no one gets lost. And they'd be like, you guys are fun. Let's don't get lost. It's kind of far from here. We're in the middle of downtown. Like it's fun.

There's a pool. We'll have a pool. We'll have a bonfire. We'll go and ball. And we would always drive their cars home. Someone's garage. Man, literally. Oh, we got a couch in the garage.

Yeah, it kind of is. Like it kind of was. It's kind of fun. My buddy Dave, Beanie, and Rocco, so we used to bring the girls' cars back. That was fun. And then they'd be in the middle, kind of nowhere after. But it was a...

Sure. That dude, that's living, man. That is living. You just put a map quest thing on there. How to get home. Don't feel, if you feel unsafe, it's just my cell phone. Hey, you want to come back? Round two, maybe, already?

Huh. One thing that I've never... It's been a question on... From, like, the first week we've made this show, I don't think I've ever asked anybody, but I feel this could be you. Have you ever done one of the punching bag games at like an arcade, a bar, or carnival? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, the one where you punch it and it gives you a score? Yeah, I did it like two weeks ago on the road. You have. Everybody's done that. He answered you that like you were an idiot. You've never done that? I thought I was explaining a wrong to him. He just got a simple, yeah, of course.

I got one at the house. John Taffer lost $2 million on one of those machines. I lost $2 million lawsuit on one of those machines. Shut up Taffer. was called Jester's. Wait, is that true story about Taffer? Yeah, Taffer lost money on one of those. I learned that on episode, season three, episode six, a bar rescue.

You are the kind, listen, I will also, we both watched a lot of Taffer. I'm surprised he hasn't been on here. Oh, do we try getting them? Taffer hit us up. Yeah, he's coming. You know how hard it is to get him? He's not just hanging out. I'll make you a couple of bonfires, Seanfire shots.

Plus, he's got to sit out in the SUV for 20 minutes. Yeah, what's, he comes in. He's groping it out with the bartender, Johnny Tips. He's just touching chicken. He's cross-contained He's touching all that chicken He's deduct the microphone Shut it down

He's gonna kill somebody We're mid show he comes in and shuts it down Maria Minutus walks in here Yeah She's ordering everything off the menu Yeah Do you have a cocktail menu? That's the problem with the test though

You have everybody coming at once Of course they're gonna get slain Distress table 300 people don't walk in at the same time Never Not And they get rid of those those people That's the problem with human beings

You give them a little like they're, you know, the judges, they start being dicks. Yeah, I mean. I've been waiting 15 minutes for my mocktail. You're reading the fucking Santa Fe Egg roll, he'd, shut the fuck up. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Yeah, you're reading a fried egg roll at a bar. He used to do a bit of Taffer. You know what this bond needs? Palm Tree. That's his answer to everything. A butt funnel. You like that joke. I was a good bit.

I like you doing Taffer. It was very funny. Bring that back. Cut that. Cut the whole segment. that to me, please. But go ahead, I'm sorry. No.

No, that was it. That's it. I can't believe. Talk about a guy who got lost in the conversation. I can't believe no one's ever, like, yeah, every, I think everybody's done one of those. I never have. I was always, I always thought I would whiff and just like, and then be like, this kid's the biggest. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't, I didn't put myself in the situation. Your wife just hands you divorce papers immediately. She's like, no, that can't happen. Yeah. We get the precursor to that at our fairs and bazaars was. Bazaars? You don't know what a bazaar is? But nobody says that.

How, yeah. What did you get? Not cool guys to drive escalates. What was the game? The Holy Savior's bizarre in the summer up in Wilkesbury was hot. Pesda pancakes, 50-50, a lot of gambling. But the fucking thing with the mouth. Oh, to sludge it.

Yeah. Hit the ring the bell? Yeah. The masculinity contest. Win a prize pig? Yeah. Hey, that's my mom you're talking about. Her name's Gail.

I was going to say that's how my parents got me. Sorry, Mom. She loves your show. Sorry, Gail. Is there any other carnival game you would say you're good at? Like, I claim to be very good at. good at the crane game, no? No, no, I'm terrible at him.

I feel like that's where, that's like the young hook for gamblers. My roommate in college, Mike Malick, I watched him spend like $125 at a basketball. Yeah. And like, it was to the point, I think he was trying to win a girl, a teddy bear thing. Chasing a high. I'm like, Mike, you lost it 80 bucks ago. Like, the girl doesn't even care anymore. Now you're just like watching the gambler turn on.

He's like, no, it's not right. And I'm like, what? She's making out with some other guy behind the tent. Literally. Running up with it. I got it. Yeah. She's like, I don't care anymore.

He's a keynote champion. You ever walk out of there with a goldfish? No. You ever walk out of there with a hermit crab? Nope. What a loser. No, I know. I'm a loser.

I'm a carnival loser. I thought you got a pussy, dude. No pussy. You never want a goddamn goldfish? No, carny pussy for me, I wish. What? Yeah. Nope.

I bet you were too scared you got to the salt and pepper shakers, too. What's a, you got, you guys got salt and peppers as a fucking con. Salt pepper was like, uh, because it all is very 1950s. Like, it's, you know. It's very dangerous. It looks like an egg, and they both spin like this, and then it goes around in a circle. It's a ride. It sure sounds fun.

You boys are really whipping around. Who wants to get CTE? This is made with wartime plastics. See? Who wants to ride the asbestos rocket, huh? Hop right in, kids. Be careful for your fingernails. Get some of there.

You'll be in a world of trouble. You know the salt pepper shakers? I got you, big guy. Where the hell are you guys from with the past? Would you guys get a tie machine to get here? That's what... Doing this thing. Whoa.

You guys did the jitterbug to meet your wife? Like, holy shit. I don't know. It's just like how my mom would be, we'd go up on a bore. And I go, you did it saw on pepper shaker? Like, yeah, it was just what they called it. I guess it was very of the... Yeah.

Our parents generation called it. And that's just what it's stayed in. I never got in there. I was too scared. Oh, okay. This is like this is 1980s outside of Philly. No wonder why the punching machine must look like a robot that was trying to fight, and you guys were like,

none of that new fain-fangled science. Me and my cousins all show up to square off with it. The robot was talking shit to me. Go on, let's get him. Can this thing move or what? I think it'll chase us. Let's get out of here, man. There he is.

I'm pulling them out from across the boardwalk talking shit, huh? There he is. I swear to God. Look at him over there staring at me. So you're the one I've been hearing all this talk about. Watch you square up with me. Hey, the two nut jobs from the pastor here again. In your 40s film noir detective costume.

Candy apples, who'd have thought, huh? Dick Tracy and his cousins are here to kick the machine's ass. I've seen it all. Oh, God, okay, huh? All right. What was the name growing up where I assume at some point you were an independent rental store, like movie rental store guy? What was that? Major video.

Major video, yeah, it was a good one. You guys didn't have, no, you were Blockbuster. Yeah, we were, I was until Blockbuster came in and shut it all down. We were epic video. Oh, okay. Yeah. What was you? Remember our hometown one before West Coast and Blockbuster?

I can't remember. I know there was one. I just can't remember the name of it. That smell. Remember that smell? That smell a blockbuster. Yes. I worked at a West Coast video.

They make a candle for a Blockbuster Candle. Really? Yes. Yankee Candle makes a Blockbuster Yankee Candle. I found that out. We called them. What don't you know? You know a lot.

No, I would. Don't stop doing that. All right. Stop discredit. You don't lie. What did they call that? When you're a... Scumbag.

Scum bag, yeah, when you're full of scum and you're a bag of it, and you're a varsity kino player, you have a lot of time to stare at your phone. I'm really going to get the minutes out of my phone, put my data plan. The decorating home decoror world that you're in, house, all that stuff. I have a great question. They really, did they not know what to make of you? No, that's a good one. It's like when you were saying there that you sat around with, you said we're sitting around with those guys,

and like this is the kind of stuff that they talk about, that you love. What do they think of you? It's... You're like nine different people. It is... But he's very... Nikki, he's a little dangerous, but he knows about candles.

He loves his decor. He's a beautiful Nancy Myers guy. Nancy Myers... I think my dad had... I think it started with my dad... Rocky, who I'm dressed like. I'm dressed like Rocky. He won.

It's a good hit, though. He was a... He had a furniture guy, Dick Tricone. And he would work this guy. He's dead now. He would work this guy for living. room sets. So my dad would change living room sets

like a lady with like shoes and shit. So I'd come home from school and have like a whole another theme like new drapes, new my mom would go to the, like I'd come home in the living room and be like, what's what happened to the living room set? He's like, this one's way more. This one's worth nine grand.

I got him. Oh, not back to me. So that was the step into the world. That was that and then my mom worked at a... But there's always money. The value of it was like, it's always like more money. This is trading up. He took it back in trade, which is crazy to take a furniture. A furniture so would take our get back a drink, which is nuts. And he would get, like, and he would work them.

And so it started to get, like, I think about my bedroom, so my parents would let me do, like, pick out wallpaper stuff. They'd be like, go ahead, and we'll do it. Me and your aunt Denise will do the wallpaper and blah, blah, blah. You would pick out, you weren't getting, like, baseball mitts? I was. I did. I got baseball mitts.

And I would get, like, the border. Remember the border? You'd get, like, the red socks border. You get the blue bottom with the striped top and the red sock. Remember that? Yeah, that was like a look. You'd have, like that three ninjas house. Wallpaper's kind of coming back from right here.

Yeah, wallpaper from the 70s.com. That's a big website. Shout out. You owe me money. You said 70s.com? No, there's a wallpaper website called wallpaper from the 70s. com, which is like a really good place to go buy wallpaper. I'll tell you what, my ultimate, like if, you know, I'm not great with that stuff,

but I would love to have a house that was like 70 style, early 80s. A mid-mod. Like the way. Mid-moder. Is that what that is? Yeah, mid-mod, yeah. The way, what's it, fucking, that 70s show. The way that kitchen looks, that reminds me of like when I was a little kid.

They're around. I mean, desperately want. Philly's got a lot of them outside. You got to get it. Which I'm dying to get back. I'm trying to get back to the 70s, baby. Which,

which cast member of Buggy Nights are you going to be? Are you going to be William H. Macy? Are you going to be Philip Seymour? My wife has got her ass on the cock in the driveway. I'm not going to be Dirk Diggler, I can tell you that. What the hell are you doing out here, honey? He's like, I'm getting late, honey. I would have been a combination of Scotty and what's his name?

The guy that gets killed. Not Aaron Eckhart. Who am I thinking of? The guy that was the dancer. Blonde had a guy. The dancer. I brought it to a screeching. Not Aaron Eckhart, but the other guy that looks just like him.

He was in Hung. Aaron Eckhart. I don't know. I would be the Asian guy lighting the fireworks off. Thomas Jane. Thomas Jane, God damn it. Neither one of you idiots knew that. I never liked a movie.

What? Yeah. It was a weird movie. I called it at a weird time. What? Boogie nights? Yeah. That's right.

You both were in the same age. Isn't that weird? He did directed at the movie 19 years old when he got that movie. He was like 11 when he got that deal. Who? Paul Thomas Anderson. Bert Reynolds hated it. 11-year-old that wants to write a movie about porn?

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At the house. Al-A-Lamarzaco. I have a Lamarzaco and a rider. What's that going for? Six grand. Would you pay? Six grand. No, I'd pay $4,800.

Retails pay suck. Yeah, no, I wish. I call my buddy. That's the every day I leave my house. It was like three years ago I got it, and my buddy owns a coffee shop, bolt coffee. in Providence and I was like hey man I called New England I know you can get a double gang Marzaco the $25,000 ones I know you can get them for six guys like we know what you're talking about you know that we got a curing with fucking yeah that's got to go immediately like that

I'm taking that with me I'm doing you a favor Sal Valcano is giving is gifting us a espresso supposedly I'm still waiting so where is he sent me a fucking picture I ain't seen it is it a real one yeah it's pretty good one four or five grand I think it's uh Lanaya mini no what's the company. La Marzaco. No, it's not La Marzano. It better not be a... Breville. No. Yeah, that's not going to cut it. No? Nope. Who's Sal Marzaco?

Sal Volcano. No, Sal Volcano. Oh, La Marzaco. This guy's good. What's the name of the company? La Marzaco. It's the one you see at the coffee shop. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, you've seen it. Yeah, it's a brevel. Yeah, the brevle, no, you're not getting that. That's a thousand bucks. You're going to blow it right through that. The barista touch.

The stainless steel. Looks very nice. I wish I had a sales money. I send you way, but no. You can get a refurb double gang, like a two things. Yeah, but then I got to be a fucking barrister. A refurb double gang. Two gang is two handles. And I find one from this company. This guy's going to be

porn in that in two weeks. What are you nuts? What machine? What coffee machine? You mean the currig? Rocher took that out of here, threw it off the balcony. Boys, we got robbed. You're never going to believe this. I got good news and bad news. Bad news is we've been robbed. Good news is I got new sunglies.

Two Italian guys. Wait. Where's the espresso machine in the house? In the kitchen? In the barn. In the barn where you work. Yeah. Right.

So I have the business that runs out of the barn. In the back of it, it has the grinder, which was $1,800. I had a pay for full retail for that. That's a standalone product. Stand-alone product. Got to grind your beans fresh, they say. You got to grind them fresh. That's what they say.

Turing does that for me. Yeah. This is all in one. It's in the cups. It's in those plastic cups that are totally good for you. Burning plastic is good for you. And then I bought like the to-go cups. I have like a big ice thing.

I got a Stanley. You're a cute little bitch. You know that? Yeah, you are. You are so much fun. You are cute little girl. Where are you going to Borders after this? Go to Tarjeet.

I'm going to Allo to get some yoga pants from what that would go to my ad. I go to Borders to shit in the back. Okay. So that is. It's a good shit spot. Yeah. That makes you feel that's it. I leave every day with like a nice coffee cup with two double shots of espresso

over ice with a touch of milk and two three stevias. Now I learned it makes it. Does it make a double? It only makes it. a double. Yeah, it's got a double, the port of filter has a double splitter. Yeah, the thing that's called a porter filter. I mean it only makes double shot espresso. And I make

them what's called like soupy, which is like I overbrew them. I keep it in there too long. You're supposed to put in like, you're supposed to let it only go to like 30 grams or something. I let it like soup up. So I put, I overbrew it. Which is like a thing. But you don't, I don't know how to order. It's like an artistic choice. No, I think it's like, honestly, I think it's like a

scumb bag. Like, I want more coffee out of this thing than they're going to give. 30 grams! One of the last places I waited tables at, snack to verna, which is closed. I always say it. Shout out to it. It was awesome. But they had a crazy fucking espresso machine. And I worked breakfast.

I had no idea what I was doing. I never really knew how to do it right. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like 21 grams in and like this month. Like you weigh it. It's all weight. And I was like, this is, so my buddy taught me.

He gave like a ghost moment. He's like holding the hand and like teach me how to do it. It was gay. It was figuring. Yeah, yeah. I'm kissing. I'm not going to do it right. I never liked women.

I'm leaving my wife tomorrow. Sam Marzano would want it this way. I want to open a coffee shop with you so fucking bad. Let's move away to the cape. That's a really good answer. But yeah, no, that one, that was like life-changing. That and, like, that and, like, that and, like, a decent cologne and perfumes and stuff like that.

What's decent for you, cologne-wise? And I can't remember if we asked you this. Gannett, Mark Antoine Bar-Wa. My wife was a buyer for home goods and marshes. Right. So, like, she gave us, like, she got me on a fragrance early from, like, Palisongong. He does.

There anything you're behind and you fall in every time I told you. Like, yeah. Fucking fences, gravel. You're all over the map. Health. Liver health. I got into health in 41. Yeah, right.

Yeah, I just figured out that I have organs inside my body. You know, Baccarat, the fragrance? Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. That's, I got that at the house. Yeah, you see, you smell great. Yeah. It's nice.

These are, I'm using, well, right now I have on a dupe. All right. A dupe. Maybe like a year and a half ago, uh, maybe like a year and a half ago, uh, my wife had wanted that perfume or whatever, that fragrance. I think it's men and women. The red one. Baccarat Rouge.

Yes. Is that men and women? It's 500 bucks. Unisex? It's unisex. Most of them are. I haven't having a lot of that. Most of the good ones.

I just have to jerk it off alone crying, right? It's a name of my next. But I smell good. And then she went and re-uped on it. I don't know, maybe like six months ago. And he gave me a couple of samples. Yeah. And I just found them.

Live for the samples. Yeah, me too. Live for the sample. I love having the variety. That's as good as the espresso machine. It's lucky scent. If you say, I like Baccarat Rouge, they'll send you six that you should like.

It's like Spotify. Summer Lider, summer algorithm. It's a little algorithm. Yes. And they're like, oh, you like to smell like Baccarat Rouge. You like to smell like a svelte NBA player. I don't know what this means about me. Me, my hormones, my sexuality, or me as a man in general,

I think I smell better with perfume on. You might. You know they smell different. heels and my dick tucked into my ass old. I think I smell better when I'm kissing my husband on Fire Island. Is it me or is it me or do I feel better when I'm getting nailed from behind? It's hot, right? It's weird.

I don't you smell so good today. I swear to God I do. Uh-huh. I need something like I'm not much of a man. I can only come with a dick in my mouth. Is that weird? Is it weird? I have a convertible top down and I'm holding hands with my husband.

Convertable. I think we should get a place over here on Fire Island. Yeah. So funny. I swear to God, though. I'm like better with the lighter, you know? Well, I'm sure. Yeah, you're not a musky man.

I'm not a man's man. You're a lady. A bit of a lady. You're a bit of a manly lady, I think. You've gone the other way. You're a bit of a, you're a bit of a bitch dude. Well, you did say you turned on that roll. A little bitch dude, like a Rosie O'Donnell in that movie.

About the buses. About the bus. Ah, shit. Huh. All right. I thought you were just winging. You don't have anything written down. I like that.

You can cross my name out. You crossed out his name. When he said back right, you wrote down B.A. Yeah. Hey, don't expose what I do. I'm acting over here. Diary of a big. No, I wrote down, say the alphabet.

I don't know what that. And I wrote down major video. This one says, I love dung. Okay. Guys, we're having fun here. I didn't mean to crush your name. Oh, you think he'd take that person. I redo it in a heart

You write down Henry Rochefort Yeah Yeah right It's just a picture of us On a wedding cake I'm canceling the tickets To Fire Island for your birthday Forget it

He's never gonna go for it Guys you think Nick likes me Yeah Are we gonna Cancel that idea Henry Rochercher actually has a real nice Henry Rocherford's a good guy Henry Foley stinks

Henry Rocherford got a couple of bucks They love each other They're fucking in love They were nosing together At Skangfest I was like this No you're the best No, you're the best.

That's fucking good. Um, hmm. Have you ever gone to a wedding reception and not the ceremony? Trash. Wow. Dirtbag move. That is a dirtbag move. Dirtbag that that's even open and not the ceremony?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you're on the fringes, though, that was. I don't mind that. That was a, I think there was a different time for that. No one wants to see you at the ceremony.

You have to. Unless you're like, your cousin or somebody like close where you're like, I really care about this. Otherwise, just go to the. party. No, no, no, okay. You two are mixed up. You ever not give a gift? Yeah, once. And then I've been asked about it. Sorry, Bruce Barard, I didn't give you a gift. That was a real piece of shit. I went to the mental hospital

a week after that. Yes, what I was in? A really bad place that night. And then Peter Bottacari called me out for smelling like weed at your reception. I really embarrassed. He's like, who's Rochman? You smell like a fucking blunt. That's my new cologne. Peter Potikari. Peter Potikari? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ocean State. Ocean State jumpster.

Fucking asshole. Right in front of my aunts. like real like embarrassing like you know when you're like high as a kite and you walk and you smell like what and it's like Roger you smell like fucking wheat and I was like shut the fuck off Talk about freaking somebody out

I'm there with no gift They're gonna know They're gonna know we don't have a gift for me They saw me not walk over to the table It's a half a box of cupcakes The girl that's not on the invitation Listen this is what I was trying to say I think for a minute for you guys

At a certain point That did become somewhat fashionable Two just show up to the reception. Reception. Yes. I don't know about fashionable, but yeah. But I don't think that's lasted. I don't think that's a good thing.

No. I also think it's very trashy where that's kind of, if there's a wedding where that's kind of the thing. Oh, the ceremony is going to be real small. It's like a funeral versus a wake. But we're doing the Ramada right after. Yeah. That's, there's going to be a fight. We've glorified the drinking of the.

of the wedding. That's all, I'm so indoctrine to, like, that's the only reason you go to a wedding. Did you get highly embarrassed? You ever go to, at your wedding? Sure.

Okay. You know, it's like, everybody, black out and call my wife a bitch, yeah. Everybody thinks they're the best, right?

Like, you're like, I have a nice family. I come from a nice family. My wife comes from a nice family. And then it's, here come the fucking cousins. Like the shit you see your cousins.

My sheet rock hanging cousins. You're right, right. And they're like, dude, I had a, We went to a bar afterwards. And we're like, you know, $20 cocktails and shit.

And they were like, what the hell, $30 for a mortini? I'll be next door. You know what they're charging in here? Yeah, yeah, loud, right to the bartender. Yeah, my father-in-law brings a box of decent cigars. My cousin John-John grabs all of them right out of the box. Shout to John John. Put them in his pocket and starts handing them out like he bought him.

Classic John Moon. I respect that. Got your cigar, kid. Yeah, you're good shit. Wow. Whoa, bro. That's a fucking move. Yeah, he's like a house.

He's like six, six. Yeah, I can hear him saying I got you a cigar. I'm like, Mike brought the cigars. Because the dirtbag move, the real dirtbag move is to just take them. Yes. The mastermind is to go, I'm going to get good credit from this. I'm going to look like the big shot who brought the cigar. Not caring with the guy who bought them.

Yeah, that was a wild one. That's a sociopath. Where did you get married? Where did you? We did a small, we did City Hall in New York. And then, um, uh, least New York New Yorkers I've ever seen in my life. I just don't get that. First of all, we're not New Yorkers.

I know you're not. Clearly. You guys striking is totally. And then I see you in New York. What do you want me to be like a slice of pizza or something? We're not from Benson Hirsch. It's like, oh, we got married to Studio. It's so fucking crazy.

It was for a green car. Fly out to the Hamptons. Do you helicopter to the Hamptons? Nobody goes to the Hamptons. You're right. He was uptown on 6th and 9th. Like, who gives a shit? He's not John F. Kennedy Jr.

You're right. A city hall, like, that's very like... There was Ty, it was... My wife was from another country. It wasn't for the green card, but that was a part of it. Your wife is one... Really? Yeah, my wife's German.

Really? Well, I think is here? Did I hear my baby crying? Yes, my wife is my wife is. Oh, no way! Yeah. Yay! That's cool.

Wow, is that so cool. Is that she's here? Don't leave. I want to see the kid. I heard a baby cry. I'm like, that could only be mine. It's so funny. I didn't hear him.

You didn't hear him either. I didn't. Well, that means you're, like, tapped in. You are the father It's time for you to babysit Why don't we bring the baby on here We can babysit while we're doing the podcast? That's a good accent

I like that. Okay, cool. All right. So anyway, that's my thoughts on the Yeah, you got to go to the reception. You have to go to the whole thing. Yeah, I listen, I agree. We do have to be better people morality.

One of my, one of my favorite things ever too is Sorry, real quick, I'm going to cut you off. You can just go to the wake though. Oh, yeah, that's... You can just go to the wake. Yeah. You can just go the wake. I think the first.

funeral to me was always like closer friends and family as i've gotten older i feel like that's extended a bit but you know it's like if you go to the church for a funeral it's the funeral i will say this the funeral is nicer do you the funeral you're going to you're going to feel more connected and i'm not talking about the funeral at the church or at the you know wherever your house of worship is or whatever at cemetery you get a you get a cloudy day you get a nice crowd you get a priest or whoever that can kind of give it

a little something for a couple of minutes and maybe you have little bagpipes or something in the distance and you look like you're in the November rain video and guns and roses

you're dropping the roses on the grave I'm shredded like a fucking face melt and solo yeah you guys look like boys to man in the back and we both know

hearts can change now do you guys do the no podcast last forever hey don't say that Do you guys do the hard drinking after? No. Yeah. This is my favorite.

This is one of my most favorite setups. And experiences with my family of all time was it was my grandmother passed away. My whole family's from Kensington, Port Richmond. The rich area. Kensington, beautiful. Some are there, yeah. So everybody. I fentanyl all there.

That's where I'm not all. Everybody, a lot of our family's funeral. specifically my grandmother and grandfathers are still in that area. Like still in the neighborhood at the churches. And my aunt and cousins live right across the street. So that's like set up shop. Yes. Because the funeral

takes so long because it's a neighborhood thing and it's so big. And so we would go, we'd be going to get beers in the middle of the thing and you're in the back. You've got a heater going. People are smoking who don't always smoke. The uncle's coming out. Like, I haven't smoked in 15. You gave me one of them

kid, you're sitting there crushing beers, it's like 11 a.m. And you're in the Roe Home in Port Ridge. I fucking love it. That is drinking Hall of Fame. My favorite aunt, my aunt Corky died. And my cousin, J's is my cousin. Shout out, EnCorky. What was Aincorke's real name? Colleen.

That's pretty close, though. Corky ain't Cork. She, and we. Hey, ain't Cork. Yeah, right. Up in the sky, definitely in heaven sitting right next to Jesus himself. 100%. And everybody loved corks.

She was fun. You know, so I was fucked up about it. She was, we got, we went to the Italian. Italian workman's club after and got five kinds of annihilated. Love it. So this is like a world. I'm talking like we're sad, we're hammered. My cousin's my age.

My cousin Jay. And we're getting, there's like 15 of us. We're getting like fucking blotto. Yeah. Now his uncle Eddie is a small guy who's thin. A smaller guy and he's like, he's like, they're like, I can kick the ceiling. Give me guys to me guys have physical prowess at like 55 and they're like, they can do splits. I want to know.

You can high kick. Really? Really? I mean, I can't have a high kick. I can get the kick. Like if I hold my hand up high, you could kick it. I could get your head. And you might have shown that. Yeah, you could kick my head.

Awesome. I want you to kick me in the head. I do. Eddie's like, I can jump on top of a cigarette machine. Now he's saying all these things. That's crazy. That's such a dirt bag feeding straight. Man.

A cigarette machine, not like on the bar. That stool. A high top table. I can jump on like a cigarette machine is like a little higher than a bar. I'm like, fuck you. Now I'm a ball boss. I'm like, fuck you can't. What about a table?

I don't do tables. I ain't jump. What about I? That's Bush League. My wife could jump on a table. What am I a lady? The dirtbag Olympics. So we're having an Olympics kind of thing going on. I'm like, he's kicking the ceiling and I'm like this. He's like, that's like, that's fast Eddie. I'm like, nah. You don't know who that is? I'm like, I'd fucking smoke you, Eddie. He's like, fuck you, you fat piece of shit. You never smoke me. Now I'm at the bar and people kind of hear us like kind of getting loud. Now he's like an uncle. He's my cousin's uncle. So I don't really know him that well. But I'm ribbing him hard. I'm like this. I play football.

Wait, your cousin's uncle. He's like my. That should be your dad. Oh, okay. Right, right, right. My dad's pissed, Eddie? My dad was so quick. So he's like, I'd smoke you. I was like, you never smoke me.

He's like, he's like, watch out. And I hear this lady telling me, like, watch out. He was the fastest guy in school. Shit you not. And I'm like, are you from the past? Yeah, right, right. She's kind of like, do you play salt and pepper? Salt and Pepper?

Salt and pepper shakers? So we go in the park. This guy thinks it's a game. Yeah, he's like, I don't even know what the hell that is. So we're like, I'm like, I'll bet you. I'll tell you what, I'll give you $100 if you can beat me in a foot race. And he's like, you're on. So now everybody dumps out into the parking lot.

You're drunk. Hammered. In a suit. In a parking lot. On a hundred yard dash, we pace out a hundred yard dash. How long ago is this? I was 26. All right.

I was 27. How are you size-wise? I'm 6.3-258. And Eddie's small, but he's 5-7. Eddie's 5-8-150. But 55 years old. And like a, he looks like a karate instructor. Also the name Fast Eddie.

Let's not look past fast. Fast Eddie is risking serious bodily injury. Yeah, he's 51 at the time. He's risking a lot of time off of work. Yep. Maybe some workman's comp. Mind you, he's the bar back at the bar rack. Fair enough.

Mind you. So we're like, but I remember I was smoking pot out of a bowl about two hours before that. I saw him whack the bowl, so I know he's fucked up. I'm like, nah, I'm going to get him. Also, you're not fucked up. I'm like, I'm like in prime drinking. So I'm like, no, I'm going to beat him. That's a big difference.

Also, the drinking hits you. There's a psychotic, the phase of drinking where you're like, I'm fucked up. And then at the point where like, I can probably fucking do that. Yeah, yeah. And then I can't do it again. But if you get in that phase of- I was in like the, I can win three pool games. 26, you're superhuman.

Yeah, yeah. You know, you don't realize it now. But like, I had, like, I played football. So I had like a sprinter stance. Yeah. I'm stretching myself out. And people are like, what's roach? Like, everybody didn't know.

No one knew I went to, like, no one, we didn't talk to each other. I went away for school. and they were like, I don't know what he's doing out there in New York. I went to Wagner College, so they didn't know. And I'm sprinted, and I beat him. So we line up, Mark Keseko, I beat him. He says I cheated, I said to it, I beat him again. I'm dying.

See, it was 100 yards? It was 100 yards. So a football field. A football field. We did a full football field. Fuck that. I was so happy because it wasn't, it was pretty close. It wasn't like an easy win.

I was like full 40. I remember like every step like down, up, down up, down up, down up, down. Like, don't look up until you're up on a place. Looks like you should have been wearing that outfit. Right, I was too drunk out. I can only imagine like we're walking by this thing. We go outside. Fatsdie, me and you outside.

We go inside the lady. A bunch of Italian kids chasing you. You beat fast Eddie. Cut to 10 years later, my cousin opens a bar. Fast Eddie's cocktails and dreams. My cousin Jay. Names his place Fast Eddie. Oh, really?

Yeah. After Fast Eddie? After that night. What a fuck? I mean, look at that. I was like, you know, change your name Fast Eddie. We're going to call you slow Eddie from now on. Don't you do that.

So pissed off. Was Eddie alive to see the bar? He's still alive. Hey, Eddie, just remember, I smoked your ass. You'll never beat me. I'll beat you now. I'll beat you then. You're never beating me.

I'm the fastest drunk guy in that parking lot that night. He's probably in his 70s. Yeah, good. I'll beat you then. I don't care. I'll kick your wheelchair over. You're never going to smoke me. You already won't beat him.

I want to beat you again, this time worse. Rochercherford, let it go. Nah. The man's dead. Now, he was talking too much shit. I love how you're trying to make, yeah, you're like, talk shit on him, and you're clearly just a crazy person. Holding in a grudge.

Like he's a frail old man now? Yeah. I wasn't even there that night. Who the hell did you be? I beat a homeless guy. I reminded my stepdad's wake or funeral. Afterwards, we were at a bar, the Buck Hotel. Shout out to Buck Hotel right off street road.

And we were there. We did the lunch in there and then if we're at the bar drinking, you know, me, a couple cousins, uncle, like, really fucking drinking. Except that was a big drinker. And he liked vodka. So we're doing shots of absolute. What? And every time we're doing one, we're pulling.

putting i got friends in low places on the on the fucking touch tunes and those guys sitting there just fucking i never got to do shots of vodka with that absolute absolute absolute i never got to do that with any of the deaths and i had a good amount i'm pretty good run there that where i was able to like a good run of people dying around me yeah to let to let it all go and and have that night like my dad's i couldn't because like we you know was like at the house and we had to be somewhat responsible that's what we look my family looks for it out of like wait till it wait till everyone leaves call me next to know I'll be a date.

I didn't want to end up like Brad Pitt and Snatch crying with, you know, when they were holding him back after his mom died at the wake. When you're burning your mutters, you're burning your mother's caravan. You're lighting your aunt's Pontiac Sunfire on fire. You're throwing a Molotov cocktail into her cavalier. Ah, there's a good. She's having a better place now. I got my shirt on.

You throw in your feet of. Real slow motion. It's just me attacking the hoagie drink. It's you on the phone with subway. playing it. It's badass looking though your hair's all wet. God damn. Shout out to snatch.

That was a good movie. Oh, my God. I don't know why he doesn't do anything funny anymore. Guy Ritchie? No, he does. I just watched, again, I watched the whole thing all the way through. Ungentlemanly acts of warfare, something like that. It's got Henry Cavill and the dude from Jack Racher.

Really good. Very Guy Ritchie. I never had you as a movie buff in my head, but you are a movie buff. He likes a movie. I wouldn't say that. I would. I would. What I was going to say is, uh, what's his name?

Uh, Strathen. Oh, Jason Statham. Yeah, he's so... You haven't said anyone's name, right? Ratcheford. Kevin Bryan. But that's my fucking name, Roy. And Luke Twinsie.

That's pretty good. That's not bad, eh? Yeah, that's very good. It sounds a bit in the headphones. He's so funny and fucking, uh, snatch. Turkish. They're Turkish. They're Turkish.

Not a lot of people named after a plane crash. That was a good movie, yeah. Great. He's an Olympic diver. I digress. You have a pepper grinder at the house? Yes. Got to.

No, I got the factory one. The one that you buy the pepper, it comes in it. I don't have an automatic one. Really? I would have pegged you for an automatic bag. I would too when I don't. We ask you about your... What's the corkscrew situation at the house?

Standard. The metal one, no frills. You keep wine in the house? Yep. Nice bottles? Natural wine. Oh, that's right. French natural wine.

Biodynamic. Did you tell us about this? Your natural wine thing? No. He's got a small interest in a vineyard outside of Rock. I got a tiny little interest in a biodynamic farm in France in the Bojolet region of the Rothschild, the lower sector. Do you enjoy a Bojolet?

No, I'm a, I'm not, I like, honestly, I like, my white wine choice is... What do you do? Oh, God. It's white wine. I like, I like mineral, like rocks in my mouth, minerality from, like, sandshares. Like a Riesling? Yeah, weird. Apparently, I'm supposed to like reislings, according to my body.

John. Yeah. He sent me a bunch. And I like the French natural wine stuff like a... Wow, what the fuck is... You got to get a German reeling. He'd like that. Gamez.

Huh. German reislings are the one. Something right on the border. That's what they say. Yeah. French and Germany. You're a regular sommelier, aren't you? Turkish, he knows his wines.

No, I worked at a corporate restaurant and they taught you all that stuff. A lot of people shit out of corporate restaurant. Well, it touched you a lot there. It was Devin's... It was Derby's. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. We've got the beef. We got a sprite from outside Detroit

What are I got to pair these horse tips with? Yeah, I know, how hell did you? Not German Reisling at a corporate restaurant. I worked for Devin Seafood, and they teach you all that stuff. That's not, was Devin corporate? Is that? Yeah, Hulahans owned it. Oh, I didn't know that.

Owns it. I didn't know that. I thought it was more like... They bought it out after they had you as a waiter. You really wowed the investors. Look at this kid. You know, he closed the Hulahins deal. Got an onion blossom.

This kid's recommended a reisling from the... An Austrian Riesling. How the hell did he know that? Gertz Winer. If you guys name me, I'm in the bathroom, crushing up some Perkinset. Oh, okay. Oh, never mind.

Have you ever been to a vineyard? Yeah. Which one? I went to Warner on my honeymoon. I went to the Malibu Vineyards, and when I lived out in Los Angeles, that was a fun thing. I saw Emma Roberts fall through a hay bale.

That was fun. Deep cut? Yeah, I know. I walked in, Emma Roberts. It was like right there, and she, like, fell off the back when she was talking to our friends. And then it was like,

The most girly girl day out in Malibavavius, go with my wife and her friends. And then I went to one in, this is really, I went to one on my honeymoon in Italy. Italy. I went to Positano for my honeymoon. Very nice. It was super nice.

And then they give you this trip to a vineyard. I'm fucking hammered in the lobby the night before. Like Blotto, we're in Italy, no kids. You know, who walks in about- kids before you got married? No. No, we were old with kids. Yeah, right.

The way he said that was like, no kids. I'm like, that sounds like Pop-Pops watch number. A boy in the kids later. So we're in the lobby of this, you know, the Ill San Pedro, Petro, which is like a bougie hotel, my wife got out on points. I'm sitting with this couple, this rich couple. I remember they had big bucks because the woman came home with like 10 berkin. Big box.

Like she had Hermes bags. You went to Capri and got Hermes. Really? She had bags on bags. And I was like, what's that? And I was like, that's probably like a hundred thousand worth of them. Hermes. Hermes.

I was like, well, I never heard of this shit. Anyway, I got to take a dump. You think I could dump in the ocean? You guys shopping? Yeah, what'd you get her? Wow, someone's getting it tonight. Wow, $10,000 bag? You try the ice cream they got over here?

It's delicious. You're going to be eating a lot of it tonight, Tud's. I picture you were like the hotel pool or the beach with the two gun pads. Yeah, yeah, right, really? Yeah, I'm there literally. Where's your vineyard at? They got good stuff there? All right, I'll try it.

Her spaghetti's good. So we go there. Who walks in the lobby? Chris Klein from American Pie. Huh. Second American Pie reference today. I'm hammered. I look.

The funniest thing I'm, can think of is I go to my wife I go the fuck is Klein doing here well well well we meet again client and he's like what so I go up to him like fuck are you doing here and he's oh my god like kind of like nervous like I was like I'm just fuck with you man I was like I know who you are and he's like no no it's cool and I was like yeah he's like I'm on my honeymoon that's even creepier I know who you are yeah right he's fucking amazing he's awesome of american pie so then I'm like he's Oz from American pie we shoot the shit he's like I'm going to the vine you guys you got so we went with him we like we like we're like we're

We took a car to him. Oh, really? At this vineyard. They sit you down at a table. Wait, you took a car with him? No, we met him there. They put you in a car for your hotel. Well, hold on.

So this interaction with him, you didn't freak him out. No, not pulled out. No, I'm pretty good at that stuff. I met celebrities. I'm pretty good at, like, meeting it. I lived in LA. Is the biggest celebrity you ever met? Dave Chappelle?

That's pretty big. He just walked up to him and said, I know who you are. Fuck are you doing here, Klein. Yeah. And he was like, do I know you? And I was like, no, I'm just fuck with you. That's great. I met him at my whole foods lot.

Jonathan Sylvia, you like guns? I got two of them tattooed on my hips. Check that out. Pretty badass, huh? No, it's not. You hate it? All right, I'll put them away. Yeah, I'm wacky shit.

Yeah, no problem. I was a poe. Have you security guys are with you? Okay, cool, thank you. Okay. So then we go up, so that basically it's like a thing from the hotel. They send you up there. We get up there.

Now, this is great. Table. They're serving you dinner. There's like 12 people, 12 couples from the hotel. We're drinking wine. But you don't know them. Don't know any of them. We're off from the hotel.

Now we're sitting there. Clines at the end of the table. They bring out this book, this like book of celebrities, right? And they're like, Justin the Tim. And this guy is like, Italians in Italy are like the Mario brothers. Like, you think it's not going to be like that? It's over the top of time. It is.

It's like, hey, the best wine in all of Italy. Yeah, I'm like, is this a fucking joke? Is he fuck with me? Danny Aero wants to sat here right here. Right. Where are you sit? And I'm like, wow. He's like, so Justin Timberlake, have my wine.

And I'm like, and then he's like, and Chris, Somers from the San Jose Sharks. I'm like, the fucking celebrity list really went down hill fast. Back up quarterback. You know his name. Ryan Aleph. So like, I'm like, so now I'm like picture.

Now I'm getting to the gist that they like celebrity. So I call the daughter of him like, hey, that guy over there is Chris Klein from American pie. She's like, she like perks up, runs into the kitchen, grabs the book out, and they change all their focus. Then now Chris Klein's there. They're taking pictures of them.

And he looks at me because I told him and I was like, yeah, got you. I'm a roach you. Got you. Now they know you're a celebrity American pie, baby. That's what you get for ruining my childhood. Make me fuck a pie. Embarrassed me in front of the whole school. I knew there had to be a dark angle in that somewhere.

All right, we got to wrap it up, though. No. I mean, yeah, what the fuck. No well. What the fuck it. You're still trash. Yeah. Yeah.

We will continue our examination. of Mr. Rochafort. Very soon. At a later date. What do you got for the kids out there? Long away. Come see me. Please subscribe.

Come see me live. Shamanicshouse.com for all your antique wears, antique rugs, antique candles, antique incense papers, things that millionaires have that I grind out of their hands. They say, oh, my God, these are my old things. And I see, just give it to me for a lower price. I sell wholesale to the public. Listen, I try to get you the things that millioners have. And then come see me live on tour shamanicshouse.com.

So scuff realtor. We've got tours. I'm leaving right now. Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, Birmingham, Alabama, Tampa, Atlanta, fucking New Jersey, comedy dojo, fucking Philly, Baltimore. I don't know, just come see me. Go figure out, please get tickets. It's a fun show.

Go see Nick, gang, he's the best. Yeah. Kipy, what do you got for him? We're starting tour as well. All tickets on sale at are you garbage.com. I think we added a fifth show in Tampa. Austin, four shows almost sold out. Get them tickets before they're gone.

Nick, we love you, buddy. I love you, guys. You're the best. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.