Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - No Knock Warrant w/ Paul Virzi

Episode Date: October 16, 2025

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Paul Virzi! You know Paul Virzi from stand up comedy, the Joe Rogan Experience, The Tim Dillon Show, Whiskey Ginger, Your Mom's House, Stavvy's World, History Hyena's, We Might Be Drunk, his new show Paul's Best Podcast and more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Quince: Go to https://quince.com/GARBAGE for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/garbage Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/garbage for 20% Off Sitewide. Acorns: Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to get started. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hear ye, hear ye, Philadelphia area and the tri-state surroundings. The boys are coming back to Philadelphia, December 13th for the biggest show we've ever done. We want to sell this puppy out at the Metropolitan Theater. Come see you. Yeah, all tickets available at RUGarbage.com. Get the homies, get the bozos, get your mom, get Aunt Tootty, get cousin Donna, get everybody, and we'll see you there. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your

favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Take two. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we found that it's a good to be classy. Yeah.

Just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. I caught her sleepwalking last night. Okay, same one. You stink. Crip walking. Oh, shit, okay.

I did that twice. My co-os is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman of my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang, shout out to you as always. Make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube.

Also, full video available over there on Spotify. Now boys are climbing the charts, baby. Not the top of the charts. Medium middle part of the charts. want to be not causing any ruckus just uh you know we're there we're putting up numbers happy to be there then the greatest

website of all time www.p patreon.com so sorry garbage you go over there to get all that fucking bonus content gang and the boys are on the road get tickets to the philadelphia show with the met yeah December 13th come out and see the boys try state area come show some love Delaware Valley contract and curve will be all backed up

so get tickets early gang we could be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guests back with us again family guys famed Family at this point, gang. You know him, you love him. He's got a brand new podcast. That's absolutely amazing.

Paul's best podcast. First two episodes are out now with Mr. Pete Davidson and Mr. Dan Soder. Give it up for one, the only. You choose, Pover, here. There he is. Thank you for having me, man. Thank you.

I know you guys are doing good because I see the faces embroidered on the... What do you mean? The headphones are working. On the coaster. Yeah, that's true. That's true. The speaker on the headphones. I was going to say, we jammed up Luke's morning so bad.

New guy Luke likes to come in sometimes early. No one's here. All right. He gets his own little bagel. He comes and he sits down at the table. He walks in. I'm sitting here. And I could tell he was not happy that I was here.

I go in to make a call and come out. Versi's sitting on the couch like he's at a dentist office. Dude, I say, he said 11. Dude, I showed up like, and I'm like, I got two minutes to 11. I don't like being late. I go in and the lights are dim and he's there and he just goes, hey, and he looked at me as if he wanted to say, what the fuck are you doing here?

His fucking guy! And then he goes, he goes, oh, I thought we're on for one. And I just look at my phone. I go, ah, fuck, that's me. Paul comes around like he's collecting money. Oh, you thought I was laying, huh? Not taken. That's why you had it ready.

Takes the bagel from a woman. You see, this guy, he don't want you to have the money. Well, then I got a text. Verzi's here. And my brain with the baby, I've been so much. I'm like, oh, I fucked up for sure. This guy's screwballs, Paul. I'm like, I fucked up for sure.

No, no, it was me. It was me. But it all worked out. He came in one day, started changing me. I was like, what the hell's going on? Yeah, me and you had heart to heart about depression? I mean, you know, we don't have a little talk about here. I walk in, yeah, those two are on a couch laying with their feet up.

I think, God, damn. I'm like, I don't know all about sweating with anxiety. I'm like, guys, you're going to do a comedy podcast in five minutes. How about you check the fuck in? Things are rough. Who's sharing pill bottles? Paul said, never glasses. How does that make you feel, huh?

I know, I'm laying down. You know, Foley, you're a person, too. You got to know that. You're crying. I'm crying. Oh, that's fucking great. Kevin's like, dude, Starbucks is here. I'm sitting there.

I'm fucking scarfing down egg bites. Fucking, I got out six blocks and ran here. By the way, I knew they were going to do it. We got Starbucks. Dude, they showed up with a fuck. He's like, that's a vanilla milkshake. Dude, I still, yeah, I ask for. They never.

You can't ask for cream. This is what I'm like. You can't ask for cream. You got to go. black you just can't ask for cream I know I know you ask for a drop of cream you're getting a vanilla milkshake every fucking time that's why I

this is a guy who's been bothered by this hundreds in hundreds of times oh dude they got one job they can they never get it right now what are you do in that situation will you will you say hey do me a favor can you can you top this off with a little coffee or I either if it's a drive-thru I just take it if I'm with my

kids and their friends I just take the pain you just take it you're fucking lucky sometimes I'll go hey black can you give me a cup on the side. That's the way. That's where you kind of have to start taking it out of their hands a little bit. You've got to take it out of their hands and put it into your own because now now I'm responsible for the drop.

Now if I fuck up, that's all me. If I make a vanilla milksick, it's not me. I could live. I could go to rest of the day. You come walking and I fucked up. You got the blunder going. If I'm in a mood, if I'm in a mood, I'll go, can you, it's too light, you got to darken this up. I've said that and they don't like it, but I've

You got to darken his puppy up for somebody here. There's a, I'm, I hate, I go to one in the burbs. I hate it's so slow. I'm a city guy and, like, you know, you stick and move, and they switch the machine. I get a, I just get a large drip coffee. They switch the machines where now the machine, they don't pour it anymore. Right. They press a button, then it grinds it, and it does it, and they leave it sitting there all the time.

Yeah. And then I'm sitting there, dude, my anxiety is cooking. You do, guys, do you do that? Do you do the app to pick it up? I can't do that. I do that now, yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes I'll pop in and they just leave it sitting there, and then it's chaos. I just figured there's boogers in those.

My wife is like the whole tech not doing all that. Me, I like to, I like to go in. You like the hand to hang out back. Get in there, get in there, start yelling at some people. I like a handshake look at the eye. I like to watch them make it. I agree. I like to watch and make it.

You know what I mean? Dude, I took someone else's coffee and I didn't realize. I thought, dude, I drank it just because I was only getting on the guy. I was getting on the road. I'm like, the fuck is Melissa. I was Brenda. I was Brenda for the day. A little foo food drink was all right.

Listen, I have a few things, obviously, Mr. Bursey's here. Of course. A bit of an expertise in how to, you know, operate. I said it once, and I'm going to say, listen to me, I said it once, and I'm going to fucking say it again. What's that? Okay? What? You guys, your fans, the love that they show me, they're the best.

The other podcasts are dopey. They're all bums. And that's why, why do you think I was here fresh and early? If I was out in L.A., I would be dragging ass. I'd be going in there half hungover. You think I'd give a fuck? But you guys, I show up early. I sit on a couch.

I fucking help you with your anxiety. Anything else I can do, Mr. Paul. Come in, Paul, help me with my homework. Dude, when my special Reasonable Man, which is still streaming right now on YouTube, the amount of people, the garbage army. They love you. I mean, you're happy. You guys are.

It's the best. It's the best. It's the best. Congrats on a new pod. Paul's best podcast. Yeah, man. I wanted to do something different. Like, it was just one of those things where I love doing the Verzi effect. You know, I got to talk shit and rant, but I wanted to do, like, something specific, like, like a niche.

And I was, like, best of. Best of. Mm-hmm. And it was, like, the best of what that guest knows. So Pete Davidson was last week, first guest. We did the best TV episodes of all time in his mind, for him. So he talked about everyone. Loz Raymond Sopranos.

This week, Sodor's my guest. We talk about the best live sporting events we've ever been to as a kid up until now. And I have all these amazing guests I had Super Bowl champion. Willie Cologne from the Steelers on. So it's going to be different types of people. It's with Big Money Players, Will Ferrell's Company, and IHeart Radio. We're starting from the ground up. Love it.

So, yeah, it's brand new, and it's going well. And, dude, got to get the boys sitting on the couch doing the best up. We're there. Top 10 reasons Foley's depressed. Go. You look into the Q carbs. Best anxiety episode you ever had. Nobody drink too much coffee, and they put too much milk in it,

And you're freaking the fuck out. Best panic attack, go. You ever cry with a gun in your hand? That's a good one. Man, when a guy's crying with a gun in your hand, that's going off. A guy's crying with a gun in his hands, just you buckle up. Something's happening. You know what I always love?

I'm sure they do it up here in America. But down here... He's act like you're from somewhere? I'm trying to know if you guys do it up here. What the fuck you're talking about? I'm sure they do it up here. But you see the videos all the time. are those South American standoffs

When a guy's got a fucking half a broomstick To a lady's neck Man those fucking South American snipers They don't fuck around Don't have a guy walk up with a chiro Don't have a fucking gun in it Just fucking pop the guy I love watching that

I love watching the guy get taken It happens a lot like Thailand too Yeah they get taken out And they don't like it's not like here Where we're a little more careful They'll shoot And like if the innocent bystand there's shoot Same thing with jumpers

Over here it's like somebody's on bridge they go hey it's going to be all right in China they fucking they swing in like fucking Indiana Jones and boot kick her into the living room she shouldn't have been standing there other you ever notice that the other countries are way more like they're just better with the crime

like they're just a we like have a social worker with the guy you know we like figure out why did why did you do this yeah like there's always a person going you don't need to do your family loves you like no they don't that's why you're here a bullet just flies through the guy's chest and the lady just goes about her day. He got to get back to work.

She takes her sandwich up and stanks him. Gets on the bus, keeps going. It's back to the iPhone factory. I need my iPad. How have you been? I'd be good. Yeah? Why do you have color?

Were you just somewhere? You know what? I got, we went to Greece, right? At the end of the summer, we went to Greece, and it was so dark. Okay. Because it's a different tan. The Greek tan is different. It's a different tan, and it's not wildwood tan.

What's the fuck you got? We're all wildwood. LBI. I'm a lot of the LBI. Listen, no, the, the East Coast tan is just like a, it gets red, then you get brown, then it fades, then it fades. Yeah. Dude, Greece and the water, like Italy and Greece, we were there for the N.H.S. I got the go, like, when I came home, people are like, oh, you got that Greek tan, and then I was still getting tan from the year.

I was still getting paid. So the tan just kept coming. Got a nice base. Good, deep, deep Greek base. Yeah, so now it's starting to fade, so I got to figure something out because I'm starting to panic. I would do. Well, we should all be tanning a little bit, a little bit of tan. They got to redo those, though.

Well, I don't fit in the beds no more. But you can't. No more. The bulbs are right. They got to figure something out. They got to make a bigger bed for bigger guys. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

They even have one. Sure. You got to, yeah, you got to make an appointment with it. Yeah. Why do you do a spray tan? No, I can't. Would you ever? No.

Yeah, no. Spray tan. Jump in the pool, it all comes off. I think I shit in the pool. Which you may or may not have done. Dog licks you, it dies. You kill my fucking dog. The tubers just are falling out, man.

Yeah, no, thank you. Now, I couldn't do it. I was trying to get all in my clothes and shit. Uh-huh. You know, a cool guy. No, but I've been, you know, I've been good. You know, you go, this is what it is, right? Kids, family, you go up and down.

That's a guy who was just down. You go up, you go down, you bounce back. No, kid, that was like two minutes ago. You came back in with that. Yeah, you know, things. ain't been great. What's the Halloween situation? What kind of can you give it out? This is what sucks, dude. My kids are like 16 and 13, so they're out, man. Yeah, it's not cool anymore. So now I'm like the guy that opens the door, hey, for the kids.

What are you? Yeah. Old man Verzi's house. But I will tell you this, and this is not to be funny on your show, you could ask my wife, and you know me. You guys know me. You know me personally outside of show business. I don't give the one or two. Each kid gets a, a big, a big. fistful. No, no, no, I would say each kid probably gets 8 to 10. I don't like it. I go, I go gommies, I go the gummies, the the gummies, the chocolate, the twicks, the

snickers, the little ones, boom, boom, and then the other ones in the back, see that? And I'm like, don't worry, it's coming. It's coming to you, too. I got you, don't worry about it. You got to start putting the caloric value on the front of your house? I'm in the country, right? You guys have been to my house, so we don't get a lot, and it's dark, so we'll get, like, I only get like

20 knocks a night. So I make them count. Okay. I make them count. What happens at the rest of the candy? You know, me, the kids have a field day. Stacey takes the chocolates that she wants, hides them. Yeah.

And then I'm a gummy guy. Yeah? Yeah, I'm a gummy bear, a gummy saver. You got to go to Gummy Bear brand? Oh, yeah, Harbos. Harbos, you know, when I was a kid, I first had Harbo in the movies, and that was it for me. I'm right there with you, dog. You know?

I had a guy, I bought gummy worms. I bought them for my wife, but I ended up eating them. And they were like short gummy, they were short. Well, bangers. They were short and fat. Were they haribos? I got to be honest, I didn't feel right putting in my mouth. They were too thick and too short.

It made me feel weird. They fucking picking a blanket. Yeah, it just was like two. Were they Haribos? Too erotic. They were, yeah. Huh, I know what you're talking about. They were like a little squiggly.

Yeah. Tell you what, you know, the horrible cherries? Yeah, they're all right. The gummy cherries are tough to lay off. I can't lay off them. It's like a slice of pizza. I can't lay off. I can't lay off. I like those in the fizzy colas I do.

Oh, the cola ones. You know, it's not bad, too, you get that grab bag they got. It's called Star Mix. It's got everything in there. Also, the tangtastics. Ooh. My girl just brought them home. Really?

Got the cherries and the cola's on deck. Okay. Oh, shit. Because the Harrybow were different in Germany than the U.S. They're two different formulas. What? Why? They're harder in Germany.

Why? I don't know why. Bring some back. I do. I do. I do. Paul. Germany.

Have you seen? them. I don't ever grease me with these germany coming bears. Oh, wait, they're like they're actually harder. Yeah, yeah, they're a little a little bit more chewed to them. That's what I like. Yeah. I like to work for it a little more. Yeah, see, I was telling I was telling them Stobby this the other day.

I did put them in the freezer. Yeah. That's crazy. That's crazy. If you leave them open, too, if you leave them out and open, they'll be a little hard. It's just a day. Just a day. Yeah, you get a little more chew to it. Just a day. This is a deep cut. You might be the only one that knows this, Paul.

Yeah. Do you remember Core Brothers cough drops? They were like that. Yes. They were like stale gummy bears. I remember them. Yeah, they were all right. I got nothing on that.

I remember them. Oh, I used to pack that in like it was a pack of Redmond fucking go. Dude, I used to, you know, like, the gummy vitamins? I eat them like candy and you can't. Yeah. They're like vitamin D and I just keep throwing them down. Yeah, dude. I was like, Stach, you got to, we can't start having candy be medicine.

Or the vitamin C when we were kids. The little vitamin C pellet. It was just like, all right, yeah. I never got flinchstones. The flintstones were disgusting. Did you get them? Yeah, you would chew them and you thought it was good. They were terrible.

Yeah, they had a little bit of a bite to them. Oh, hey, they did. They did. That was always a thing in high school if you were dropping acid or taking shrooms. If you were starting to come down, you would take a couple of those and it would, like, boost you back up. Never worried. No.

It's called a guy. Guys going from acid to a flint stone thing? You got anything over to counter? I'm tripping bowls. I'm trying to keep this balloon in the air. Dude, I'm seeing leopard. Coms that aren't there. You guys got something over here.

You got any looting's back there. Take the edge off. Keb, let's talk about Quince. Shout out the Quince, gang. You know, the weather's changing. I don't know what. You got to re-up, right? I already did, dog.

Nice. You go to Quince? Yes. I got four new pairs of pants from Quince. Now that I'm skinny, Kippie, I have to get new clothes. There you go. I got them on right now.

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Kim, let's talk about Shopify, baby. Shout out the Shopify, gang. Do you know anybody that uses Shopify? I think if I think, oh, we use Shopify. Yes, we do. Gang, if you're on your hustle out there, do yourself a favor. Get on Shopify. They're the best.

They are the absolute best. They sink everything up. Everything's ready to go. It's right there. Listen, if you're starting your online business, use Shopify. If you've got a brick and mortar store, use Shopify. If you're making a move in this world, use Shopify. Buddy, I got the app on my phone right here.

How you doing? Shopify. I don't want you seeing in my nominees. Guys, Shopify, it takes all, I mean, we used to run the business pre-Shapify. All the merch was done pre-shopify. Shopify. I didn't know nothing about Shopify. Someone schooled me to Shopify changed the game. He was like an old man in a general store. Yeah. Big add-a-machine. Yeah. Paper flying everywhere. Sure. No way to track it. Um, now you can guarantee shopping is always convenient. Endless

aisle. Ship to the customer. Buy online. Pick up in store. They combine all of that. They got brick and mortar. They combine click and mortar. That's the new term. Whoa. That's pretty good. A little bit of everything. Um, and let's face it, acquiring new customers is expensive with Shopify POS, you can get shoppers coming back with personalized experience. First party to that gives you marketing teams a competitive edge. You get the information. You get the email. You get this.

Papa de me. Where they are? Where they're from? Hit them up. Hit me up. In fact, it's proven based on a report from EY businesses on Shopify POSC, real results, like 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to 8.9% uplift. Guys, listen, I'm no international businessman, but that makes sense.

Get all the big stuff. What are you on an initiative business, man? Who you've been talking to? all the big stuff for your small business, right with Shopify. Sign up for $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash garbage. Go to Shopify.com slash garbage. One more time, Shopify.com slash garbage. Let them know the boy sent you. You're a, you know, you're a man of knowledge and how to handle certain situations. We talked about this on the Patreon. I was getting my apartment painted and the guy

offered me a price. Okay. And I offered, I came back with a Cash price. Nice. Have you, are you a cash guy? Yes. What, and then, so let's say, what was the offer?

I think, I think the bill was like $1,500. I got it, I got it, I got it right here. I think it was, oh, no, it might have been. $1,800. But $6 of that was for the paint. You can't get a discount on a paint.

He's got to buy to paint. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah. So the labor. Which they can get a discount on that paint. I don't like that when they go, but the materials. It's like, you know what I mean?

Why the fuck are you going to home depot pay in retail? You don't got a fucking paint guy? They've got a guy. They're always like, oh, it's this price, plus I got to get the material. It's like, wrap it all up. You go to Lowe's on Depot. I don't need to know that. I got one for you.

I had to go to fucking Lowe's. You're buying a material? I had a guy doing tiles, and I fucking had to go to Lowe's to get the grout. For him? For an extra bag, they ran out. Why don't they don't have anybody they can say? Well, part of it's my wife's fault. Because she goes, do you mind?

My wife goes, they. They always get involved and make you do it. My wife saw that they needed an extra bag of grout. And me, I'm a comic. I'm not doing anything at noon. I'm not too loud. She goes, you want to go run the lows. And I go, no, like, I'm behind.

I got gummy bears in a freezer. They've been hanging out of day old. I'm about to have them. They're going to be chewier. They got harder. I'm not going. No, so she goes, why don't you go? Why don't you go run the lows?

That's such a wife. And now they're all, now they look at me. Now everybody goes. Now you got to go to Lowe's. Now I got to go. Now you're the answer to go. No, I ain't going to Lowe. If you say something, she gets, they get really made.

Well, I did say to her in private. I go, they need to fucking go. We're paying. I'm paying it. We're paying them. And they fucked up the order. Not me. Yeah, I don't want to hear materials.

I don't want to hear what you need. I don't want to hear about your truck storage. I need another truck. Get the big truck. Get the truck that has everything you need in it. That has the size that you need for. for all your equipment, get the materials, you do it, and I'm gonna pay you.

That's how it works. There's no, oh, we need this, we need that. Material-wise, I could tack on another, dependent on the materials you want. Here's what I want. I want the best materials, and I want you to fucking get them. Last time I checked, I don't work for ABC contracting. Yeah, you know those guys, oh, I could get you the middle of the roads.

They hate you with the middle. They always hit you with the middle of the roads. And that's where they're making their money. That's like balsam wood. And then they whisper, nobody knows the difference. It's like, I know. I know the difference. Listen, it's another, what, $1,500 for the top of the road?

Or whatever the fuck. Get me the top. You're speaking my language. Yeah. My bathroom flutter. We had to redo it. And the guy came, he's lowballing me. Like, this is builder quality.

I said, I, give me the real shit. Well, I'm glad you brought this up because we just put the linoleum in like it's fucking 92. Buddy. Carpet on the ceiling? Wallpaper up. I'm talking walking shower here. Wallpaper's kind of coming back, though, isn't it? It kind of is coming back.

Yeah, my wife is like, look at this. And now they do it on one wall. Yeah. They're trying to get cute. They do two walls, one, you know. As two homeowners, have you ever done that? Have you ever done wallpaper? I can't wrap my head around what makes that stick.

No, I haven't. Yeah. You probably be huffing it all coming down from a fucking truck. But this is true. I'm really, I can't even believe you brought this up because we just had, last week it ended. Both of our bathrooms retiled and our kitchen and our kitchen floor retiled. And they would take it long, right? And I was going through, so I was having a week.

I was having a week. I told you about the milkshue. I was having a week. I was dealing with stuff. I was running around. I was, you know, stuff, personal stuff. And I just go, I can't have them in the house this long. They're taking long.

They're talking. I heard them talking. No, listen, it is. I heard them talking. Listen, unless you're in like a fucking 20 bedroom mansion where you can, like, seal off the West Wing, they're in your house. There's four guys in your house. And you're like, and they're like, then they're going, where's the basement?

They always need something. And I get it. But it's like, you can. You're not chilling. No, and one of them was in the family, so don't cut this clip. And I just go, hey, dude, I go, I'll just throw you an extra 500 cash if you just, you got to wrap it on quicker. I just said, if you could do it in two days quicker, I'll give you 500.

And he brought a guy and they did it. But it's like, I got to get you out because they talk, you know what I mean? Make no mistake. When you get something done in your home, they could always do it quicker than when they did it. They could always, you know, if they're, you know, if they're, They're like, hey, we'll be out of here by Friday. I'm like, he could leave Wednesday. You know you could leave Wednesday.

But they, you know, they go, oh, I got to go here. Oh, here's a receipt. They also go to another job, totally. I got to do half a day. I'm going to come at noon. And then I feel like a fat piece of shit because I'm laying on a couch and these motherfuckers upstairs working.

At least I had one guy, be honest. We had two guys. We had three guys. We had two doing the floors. Then we had an odd job guy, my wife hired. This guy, great guy. And he was just like, he's doing little things, painting here, doing this.

And he was just like, look, man, I'm going to come back tomorrow. I'm going to my kid's game. That I respected. Yeah. Because there was no, oh, listen, you know, this happened with the trip. He just goes, hey, dude, I'm going to see my kids' game, but I'll be back tomorrow. That I respect.

I don't respect when you're sitting there talking, and I know it could have been talking. But usually that's a kiss of death. My mom does that kind of shit. She tends to operate on the cheap a little bit. She's like a sidework kind of guy. You know what I mean? He gets them in their off days, and you got the guy showing up Monday through Wednesday. Then he disappears for like eight months.

They leave. And then shows back up. They don't answer her. Ah, he's just thinking about your job. Oh, where are you? Well, where to fuck you been? Oh, yeah. I'm sitting here with a half a toilet.

I think shit. What are we doing here? Yeah, and they, like, leave things so you think they're working. This guy left two cans of paint and something on the floor like he's working. I'm coming back for that. I'm like, listen, my family owns a construction car.

You don't think I fucking did this when I was fucking, you know what I mean? Hey, buddy, you left your hammer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave your toolbell. Looks like you just ran out for coffee real quick. After college or, in between college or whatever, When I flunked out of college, the summer I was working for this contractor that was redid kitchens.

Honesty's kicking in, huh? He was a big Corian guy. Remember Corian? Corian. Therapy's really coming through with the honesty. Paul made some breakthroughs today. Oh, shit. Yeah, I never knew what...

I stole $20 from me three months ago. You remember Corian, right? Paul Corian. I don't know. It's like that tile type of tile. No, I don't know. It's like DuPont made it. It's like...

plastic ceramic i don't know what the fuck it was but it was big at the time and this guy had that was like his big thing so i swear to god we go to this house and the first thing we do is we tear the entire kitchen out so we do that during the day it's like me him two other guys cabinets all that stuff and leave like the you know the bones or whatever the structure put the plastic up all that stuff i guess this lady had set this up with with the boss the husband was away i guess the guy came home that night like in the middle of the night he got a late flight

went right to bed didn't go into the kitchen this guy comes down in the morning he's like what the fuck is this shit is all ripped out the whole thing was ripped up the wife didn't tell him that she was getting the kitchen

I freaked the fuck dude yeah he came down looking for a cup of coffee dude that's like one step up of finding a body yeah that's crazy your kitchen is demolished I'd rather see a body

that's fucking you go if you wake up to go you know make a bowl of cereal your kitchen is demolished you got no counter fucking sleepy you throw your key Usually they hit the refrigerator came down in like old school pajamas like who the fuck are you guys

Oh dude it's I was down there the one we had um they were trying to It's the hot water I forgot I forgot what it was but the water wasn't turning all they the guys couldn't figure out how to turn a water off Oh no I got to get a new fridge and they had to turn the water line for the for the ice maker off Yeah to switch out the fridges I couldn't figure it out the guys from loz that were dropping the thing off they couldn't figure it out I had to had the guys doing a bathroom, they couldn't figure out. There's like seven of us downstairs, all staring at the pipes. Like, ah, buddy, I got, I got nothing. I got to tap out of here.

No, dude, they forgot to, one of the guys forgot to turn the water thing off, and my wife turned it on, and it just rushed under our sink. Because, yeah, dude, there was guys in and out of my, people like, dude, dude, dude, Verzi's wife, what's going on? Dude, there was a different guy going in my, a different truck and a different guy walking in my fucking house for two weeks. Yeah, it's a lot. They were going, dude, I guess things aren't good in Versy's, man. marriage.

Different guys, different sizes. One guy's six, six, another guy's a tiny little Mexican. It's like, dude, Jesus. You should have got to type. On this tip, before we get to the questions, I wanted to ask Paul's opinion on this. I had an issue a week or two ago where if you were living in an apartment building, you didn't really know anybody. You know, you kind of kept to yourself or whatever. If you walked by late at night somebody's door and saw their keys were hanging out, what's your move there?

Do you knock? How long, how long am I there? You're there three years, but you never really met these people. Three years. A bit of a weight problem. Oh, man. If I knew the person even in passing, you know them in passing. If I know them in passing or elevator and I see that, yeah, I think I would.

You'll knock. I think I would after, like, if I, maybe not the first time, let's say I pass it. I'm like, oh, that's weird. But then, like, let's say later on, I go. He comes back from his store. Like two hours later, I come back from dinner and I see it. If I know the person, they're like a nice person that I've had, like, nice small fuck with. This is midnight.

The first time you walk by and see, it's a middle of the night. Uh, no. No, I'm not getting involved in that midnight. Clearly, that guy got got, and I don't want to be the next thing. Somebody's after that guy. Listen, we're talking to 20 afternoon. I'll do a good deed. Midnight, I'm not being part of this fucking.

I'm not a statistic in this. Now, midnight's nuts. God forbid you knock And the door opens a little bit You're leaning in Fucking Ed Goons in there After 9 p.m. all bets are off You're on your fucking hood

New York City In New York City Keys? No No There better be a detective in there Because it ain't gonna be me You better hope homicide's already there Fucking Briscoe shows up

Dude midnight knocking on somebody's door At midnight with the keys That's like Because now you could be part of it Now a witness goes Oh, so-and-so knock on a door. I know, but I get crazier. I go, the keys to the front door's in there.

So what if one of these fucking guys, you know, one of these, you know, delivery guys, whatever, takes it. Now they can come and go. Yeah. And they got full access to the fucking, the whole apartment. You want to know what, guys? This is why I live in the woods. Okay. No trick-or-treaters.

There's no building. Sure. Nah, you got to get out of a building. I said I would take the keys, slip a note on the door. Hey, found your keys. I'm across the hall, 5A. You guys are rich. now. Listen, you guys are rich now. Stop living the charade.

Paul, I am not. Guys, you're living in a lot. You'd be shocked at how bad with money he is. Shocked. You'd be slapping around a little bit. It's going to be a documentary on Netflix. Behind the podcast. The downfall of Foley, age Foley's financial ruins. You're like, dude, he had 200. Got to open up the books. He don't want nobody looking at the book. How'd he go from 29 million net? He's after taxi. He's got 11. He's got 11. thousand left.

That's a hell of a weekend, though. How they makes bills come and do. But both of you guys live in buildings? Yeah. Yeah. Look, it's over now. Listen, I got a real estate guy. You come to Westchester.

Come to Westchester, and you don't have to deal with keys and doors at midnight. I know. I also found out, too, because I think I mentioned, I locked myself out for like half a second. And the Super came up and let me in. And he's like, you know, if that ever happens, there's a set of keys. downstairs. Yeah, everybody knows that. Yeah, that's fun to know.

Yeah. So anybody, literally, there's somebody that can get into any building, any apartment in New York City. You want to know, think about it like this. Every hotel you stay in, they could get in. I put that little flip thing on, though. Yeah, that little,

that little metal thing is giving us to pieces. There's come all over that thing. Yeah. You ever see where they come in and like the hanger comes up and starts physical? They can unhook all the stuff with a hanger. That's nuts. I would freak out.

Yeah, that's, that's, yeah, I don't, uh, we're not safe. We all got supposed to carry numbers. No, dude, you ever see a, Jeffers? We're not safe. We all got close to the kids. Yeah, they, you know what I mean? That's real, it's real, that's real Sicilian shit. I always change the second number.

I'm like, you think you're off the grid. You ain't off the grid. You ain't off the grid. Um, what, uh, I mean, I also, I've had a call locksmith before. Mm-hmm. It's scary. Scary. Yeah.

How quick they get in your house. Scared. I wish I would have been a locksman. I mean, 10 seconds. I love that shit. He was in my apartment. To the player, I was like, have you been here before?

Yeah, I was like, crazy. Kevin, how's the baby? He had my keys. He just opened it up. That's another thing, too. He's got a toy for the kid. Hey, good kid. It looks just like him.

I wouldn't mind getting Paul's advice on this. I mean, I guess I did the right thing. But we were in, where were we with the Asian kid? Okay. Wow. I put a pin in that. Where were we? San Francisco.

So we're in San Francisco He's in the trunk Yeah, that's great Smart kids Who opens a whip? So we're in a hotel in San Francisco, right? Yeah

I came home back from the show I had a couple drinks in me And I did that thing where you go in All the lights are on the TVs on You lay down in your jeans And I just fell asleep Woke up at like one 50s A couple of drinks

You gotta be hit with a tranquilizer car Dude the last time I did that I drank a bottle of Dewers And almost got in my stomach Gumpers Doers. So trash. Go to Giants

on a Super Bowl. What do you want from me? You got out of Eli, dog. You know, you come home. You pass up fully closed. I had a couple of beers. I got a snow suit on. I got a snow suit on with my snow boots.

I don't want to take my overall. I'd take my skis off. You know, I wake up. So I wake up at like 150. You know, you wake up, what the fuck? So I take my shit off. I go into the bath and the pee. This is 2 o'clock in the morning.

And I had heard, I thought I heard a woman's voice walking up and down the home. I swear to God I hear We're at a bad hotel Not a nice hotel And I hear this on the door A little faint knock

I opened the door There's a 12 year old Asian kid Standing there with no shoes Shorts and a t-shirt on He doesn't he doesn't peephole it He just blindly opens the door San Francisco downtown At the wharf

He just opens the door Cops you did right I did Cobbs just last week Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah So I'm like What the fuck are you doing You didn't pee pole

No, I just opened it. That's insane. Dude, if you're coming on, if you're like, hey, Kipi, I'm finishing up, we're going to go get breakfast. I'll knock on your door when I'm here. I'm still peepoing it, even if I'm expecting. Well, here's the thing. I have these moments of courage blindly that I, that I, that I, you were drunk. That's called doers.

Because I fucking opened it. Like, all right, we're doing this? If it's going down, let's do it quick. So I open a door as a fucking Asian kid standing there. And I'm like, what the fuck? I thought I was dreaming. I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, and if you have a second,

I thought like the yakuza was on either side. That's a set off, dude. I was going to catch a fucking Hansel sword through my nipples. He's like, I locked myself out of the room, and I can't get back in. And I've been going up and down knocking on everybody's door, and you're the only one that answered. I'm like, and you're knocking on everybody's stomach.

What are you fucking? I immediately started yelling at the kid, which probably was a drug in here. I could have grown. grabbed you so i take him downstairs i turn him over to the fucking guy and then and then i came down to get a bottle of water i'm like what the hell was that he's like he was sleepwalking oh so and he was on a field trip he was an asian kid with an australian accent then i see the little brick shit out of me so they bring him back up to his room and as they're passing me again i say listen just see you know buddy next time something like that happens go right down to the lobby don't go knocking on

people's doors that they'll kidnap you and fucking the next morning all these kids are coming out I yelled to him. I was like, Bobby, and he fucking ices me. I'm like, dude, dude, he's with 200 of his friends. Well, he was also sleeping. No, he was awake when he talked to me. He could have been, he could have been, you know. He remembered.

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actually one of this it was a year maybe a year half ago? I don't remember this. Oh, dude, it's the craziest story. I mean, I'll, I'll hit you guys with it. I did it on Sigura, so I apologize if nobody heard it, but it was, people were like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. So I, um, I was jet lagged. I ended up going to dinner with Mike Berlina, who, you know, from, just met him. Yeah, yeah. So we go out and we had, we had dinner, and like, I finally started to get, um, I finally started to get, like, acclimated to the time change. And I'm like, calm now. I have a busy week ahead of me. And I go to lay in bed. at like, you know, we played golf too.

I go in lay bed at 10 o'clock. That's a nice day. I hear a, and I'm like, in my boxer briefs. And I go. My boxer. Yeah, because, you know, I, you know. And, uh, dude, I can't believe you don't know this. No.

Just buckle up, dog. Jesus. Buckle up. So I go and I look in the pee-pole, which you should have done. That's crazy. You're not pee-pole. And there's a dude, Jack, like, as big could be, no shirt on, wool hat, bathing suit.

His hands behind his back, and he's going like this. Fuck. Yeah. Right? Fuck that. Now that's the escort I ordered. I told you. I told you.

So I'm like kind of freaking out and he's banging hard and then all of a sudden it goes away. So now I'm obviously, I'm uneasy. And it was one of those hotels that have four floors. You know, the fucking shitty ones. Yeah. Big square button. I was pissed. I got it booked there.

But it was, you know. Wait, big square button? What do you mean? You know like the big square white, they light up white? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the elevator. Oh, okay. Simple elevator.

It's a simple. It's literally like a odor. One through four. So it's like a big lit-up fucking... He's judging the lights on the elevator. Yeah, no, that's how I do. No, no, seriously. You want to go to a good hotel?

Look at the buttons in the elevator. They're round. Round with a little contour to them. And a certain font. Yes, you're not wrong. So, certain font on the numbers. I never thought about that. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

I'll tell you about toilet, public toilets. So I go, dude. Now I'm kind of like, it was a little unnerving because the way he was looking around, right? Yeah, he's gonna fuck somebody up. So, so then I look, this was when it got really creepy. I looked through, in the courtyard, because, like, from my, I was on the third floor. When I looked down, I could see the pool and, like, where you go to reception, and I look, and all of a sudden, he's, and I opened the thing this much, a crack like that, like that, like that, hiding.

And all of a sudden, he walks and looks right up through the crack at me, dude. It was like Cape Fear, and I just, I just let go with the thing. So now I'm kind of pacing around. You got you're locked though You're like the deadbolt The whatever So then all of a sudden dude You called down in the lobby

Nine one one So what happened He come I hear a knock again So I called downstairs And I go yo There's a dude You know I go

Can somebody look Somebody come up here There's somebody with like no shirt Walking around Everything like that So now I'm like I'm so uneasy I'm freaking out

I see workers go past My room looking They go yeah no We didn't see anything And now So now all of a sudden This is all of a sudden This is all

100% real. So now I'm just like, all right, so five minutes go by. And I'm like, maybe it's the wrong thing. Maybe it's just whatever, you know? And I start to like calm down and then bang, bang, bang, throwing shoulder. And I'm looking, throwing shoulder. Ugh, get the fucker.

Throwing his shoulder. I call downstairs. I go, dude, there's somebody at my door right now that wants to harm me. I go, I need, I need, you got to call. Well, who, who, what is he, you know, asking questions. Get the fuck up here. She goes, we'll call you back.

We're going to call me back. Dude, she called back and goes, the police want you to call them. And I go, ma'am, this dude is throwing his shoulder screaming now. And I'm at the thing, dude, I grab my bags. I grab everything. Are you yelling to him? Like, what the fuck? No, no, no, I fucking, mum's the word.

I like that move. Nothing. I agree. You turn the lights out? Whatever you're going to say, he's not going to go, you're like, hey, this is comedian, Paul Verzzi. He's not going, oh, my bad. So, dude, I'm freaking.

New specials out now. I'm freaking, I'm freaking out. Check it out. Buddy, calm down, but October 8th. So, so he's like, now I'm in a, now I'm in a fighter flight. What do I do? I grab my bags. I think, I said, you need to get me out of this hotel.

I called downstairs. I go, you got to get me out. I don't call the cops because I tried calling, and it, they took long to, okay, what's, and I just hung up. Yeah, you need immediate help. You need a media help. You need someone on the premises. I need a media help, because if that dude got in the room, I don't know what would have happened. seriously and uh so finally after bang and banging banging screaming he goes away i go i need

somebody i'm dressed my bags are there i said somebody's got to come up here he's like do they like do you want us to knock on the door how are you going to know it's us are you going to i said come to the door with whoever knock i'll look when i see it's you so long story short i go there they walk me out i call burlena burtina's like dude come my wife said come over like we'll get you set up i go no i went to like studio city i went to like one of like the universal where all the tourism kids are you got you neighbors are little kids and shit. So I'm on like the big building 11th floor and I called the next day and I was like did you guys and they were like somebody was on

the premise you're not in it you weren't targeted somebody was on the thing either looking for somebody we we got rid of them and I said and they wouldn't give me information and I go well was I targeted because my room was targeted and they were like no you know it wasn't about it wasn't about you so when when you told me that story it fucking I got PTSD it just flashed back I wish it was a little Asian boy. I'd be able to take it. Fuck you on, pussy.

You know, but no, dude, like, things like that can happen and it could have been bad. So, always look out of the peephole. Always peep. That's insane. And, yeah, a sleepwalk. I'd be honest with you, I would have just let,

I would have looked out of the pee pole and just not done anything. I would have looked out of the peepole. And I've called the front desk. Dude, there's an Asian kid here. You're going to have to get up pretty early and try to set me up and try to have me fall for this. There's an Asian kid here.

It's funny because when I walked down to the guy at the front desk, he acting like it happened five times a day. And I apologize, if anybody, I told that story on two different pods, but I never heard that one of the scariest moments of my, that was the scariest moment of my life on the road because, dude, when I heard, like, this dude was like WWE, and when he was throwing his shoulder

and screaming to get, like, that's when I was like, oh, this dude wants to do harm. Was he saying, let me in? He was, ah, what the fuck, you know, like, it just started. He was all fucking met out or something. But it was weird because it went like, it went quiet, like a horror movie, yeah. It went quiet like a horror movie.

movie it's over and then all of a sudden like back and then the people couldn't find it you know dude i had i had something relatively similar where it's like horror movie esk where it was like we were we used to play cards at this like place we had like buzzed through like two doors it was in a strip mall uh in in the in the suburbs outside of philly and i i i my buddy was still in there i lost all my money so i went outside and i was smoking this is like fucking one in the morning strip mall fucking empty kind of There's, like, a bar, a couple doors down, like an Irish pub or whatever. But the whole thing's, like, empty, and it's quiet as shit. I'm just out there smoking.

And I see this guy just, like, figure, like, probably, you know, 100 yards away, all the way down at the other end of the parking lot, just kind of walking around. So I got eyes on him. He's, you know, wife beater, and he's got his hair and braids, like, in the, like, two of the big braids. But with, like, little girl, like, Doyle, you know, like, those, you know, like, real odd, young, like, young, like, being, like, an eight-year-old girl's hair. And I'm like looking around I turn my back five seconds

Not even And I turn back around And he has closed The fucking two Like in a supernatural way Whoa He has closed the distance on me And was just staying

Like he wasn't running her off And he was just looking at me What? Wait what kind of the doilies in his hair What do you mean? Yeah like you know They were like the two little balls And there's like a rubber band

Yeah yeah Yeah he's got those in his hair Like like so his hair's coming out Like pig tails Yeah he's got like two pig tails And he's just staring at you And he's just staring at you Dude, he's, like, from fucking me to the camera.

This couldn't have been some bruiser you hooked up with the week before or something like that? No, it was like a 6-2 dude. All right. What the fuck? Do you have sex with this guy? Like, oh, shit. I was fucking hammered. Yeah.

I completely forgot I had sex with this guy. No, it was probably some fat chicken ever called back or something like that. No, he was fucking a huge dude. Somebody's locked on you like that. Isn't it just the scary shit, dude? Dude, my first thing was like jeepers creep. The way, I don't know. I still don't.

know how it's the only thing of like super natural I'm like wow he was so far away and then right there and what didn't like run up he was just standing he said what's you trying to get into tonight oh shit I'm trying to open the door but the door's locked and now I'm like what you're trying to get into tonight not you buddy I hope you not me holy no so I do I run into the fucking I guy I sprint to the Irish pub I get in the Irish pub and they're like what's going and i'm like looking out of the window and then dude like out of a movie and no one dude is the fryer still on let me get some fucking chicken candy that would freak me out if i was in the bar be like to lock the door i know i come running in and then dude he just leaned in the window

and like that and looked at me i'm like this fucking guy and then by the time i turned around he was going again they must have thought i was fucking nuts wait how long ago this is for i was i was 19 years old something like that shit dude's a piece of ass back then so i was trim i was in full-headed hair Dude, so then we get in the car. I'm like, dude, my buddy comes out. I'm like, get in the fucking car because he was driving. So I didn't even have like keys to get in the car. So we get in the car and we're like coming out of the parking lot.

I'm like, dude, he thinks I'm not. He's like, dude, shut up. And then out of nowhere, the guy comes running towards the car again. I'm like, go, go, go. Fucking blew the red light and got the fuck out of there. Yeah, what's you trying to get into today? Yeah, no, dude. That's some people are nuts and they just lock one person?

It was, yeah, there was something. There was either mental illness or drugs and he was. I think the guy at the hotel was maybe even looking for a girl that he thought have been there but definitely on some sort of meth or something and just went to the room and thought it was the room and got fixated on it and but yeah dude it's scary shit it's tough to even no matter whether you if in a straight fight you could take the guy or not when somebody's in that ass kicking fucking you're not yeah you're not dude i'm a box of briefs i just played golf and had two tequila's i'm the opposite of this guy i want to fucking put my feet up i just put

my invisible i put my feet up i'm ready for another stranger things episode And this guy is going like, dude, it was not fun. That is a switch. Because that feeling when you finally get real comfortable in a hotel after travel, you're rubbing your tutsies together. You're like,

I get to sleep in. That's exactly what it was. And the two tequilas, I wasn't drunk, but it was just a tiny light buzz. And that all sobered up like that. And now I'm in fighter flight and I got some lunatic banging on the door.

I don't like that. No. Jesus Christ, that's getting shit out of me. This is very fitting for Halloween. I know. Spooky. I wish it was an Asian boy. You're supposed to be two feet taller.

It's supposed to be two of you. I got one. One, do you talk about the kitchen? You get the kitchen done, very nice. What, this is something we talked about before. What countertop appliances are currently out? And what do you use and then put away? Very nice.

Countertop appliance. Like is the blender out or do you just, is the blender? We don't have a blender out. No blender at all? No, we got a blender's like store. if we need it's like in the it's in a closet blender I mean what are you doing with the smoothies how are you doing the smoothies not we don't we're doing a smoothie I go to I go to the cafe I got an air fryer out

we have an air fryer but not out not out that's clear he's not a pizza place people click to keep the air friar I'm thinking we got the knife hey who side are you on here we got the knives okay nice you got a nice block we got a little block with the knives are the steak knives in there too or is it just the big cut knives. A few, like a few, like a few, like a run a five or something. Like a little row of steak knives and then the big boys. What about them scissors? You got them scissors in there too to meet scissors? We got a new block. This one no scissors. Those scissors in the old block are in the draw. Gotcha. We kind of have more bare and then the things are kind of stored away.

I got you. I mean, an air fryer's nuts. I mean, my air fryer is bigger than a sneaker box. I can't have that out. What about a toaster? You got the toaster. Got a nice silver toaster, but it's a little. Toaster oven or toaster? No, toaster. Two slices. Just two? Just two? Just two. Just two. Watching a carbs over at the Verzzi. Nah, it's a sleek, nice one. Okay. Yeah, it's a sleek, classy one near the knives, but tucked away. Coffee maker?

Carrick. Okay. Nice. Anything else? Nah. What's the paper towel sitch? Paper towel situation is right next to a nice roll metal in a metal thing. A metal thing right next to the sink.

Does it have the arm that holds it back from flapping? You know what I mean? Yes, it does. Where's the trash can? Trash can is a pullout drawer Is it? Is the drawer Next to the dishwasher

Full size though Yeah full size How do you feel about the Remember when the little trash can Was underneath the sink? No yeah no I kind of got that at my house You do?

In the burbs it's like the drawer You blow your nose twice It takes full No it's probably like that It's not the tall No but I'm saying When it was just a regular Oh no

Like a little snub nose guy Nah nah no I always thought That was always like a grandmoms house You know It's underneath the sink Oh, I got to go in there? No, we have the pull-out, like a pull-out cat, like, draw.

Yeah. And it has the recycling in the back. That's clear. Yeah, yeah. And it's flush. When those things hit in, like, the 90s, the people had, God damn. What's your dad do again? Dude, I remember for the longest time, the technology wasn't even there to, like, really have a lid on the trash.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That would just be out in the kitchen. Just trash. Remember to flap you stepped on and then it'll... Yeah, that thing worked for about a week and a half. That thing worked for about a week and Jerry. Oh.

And then it just snapped after me. Oh, sucked. I mean, we had one lid that just did not stay the fuck on. I think the least amount of things. Yeah, I think the least amount of things. Minimalistic. Yeah, because, listen, you have them in your drawers tucked away. Tupperware in this drawer, air fryer in this draw.

If we need the blender, it's somewhere. But as far as, like, when somebody comes in and the house is done up nice, you don't see many. I like that. It's classy. It's very, very classy. Might that. That looks like a fucking pawn shop. My wife gets fucking

She's cluttered McGee I'm so like Have we used this in the past week If not we're throwing it out As much as a slob as I am That is one thing that I kind of like To be somewhat organized And we go so far as like to like

Here's the the oven And like the stove Right next to that Is like bills and shit like that So it's like a goddamn fire has I'm grabbing the cable bill And it's fucking covered in grease Tomatoes

He's got a con head Bill with fucking hamburger grease on it. Yeah. It's like I'm running a fucking beef and beer. We got two towels hanging off this the oven, the nice ones. Are they decorative or do you use them? Well, see, my wife, here's it.

Yeah, my wife is... I respect not using them. My wife is very... Everything is, like, as soon as is October 1, the house is Halloween. Okay. As soon as after Halloween, the house is Thanksgiving. As soon as Thanksgiving, I mean, dude, it's like you went to a tight shift.

It's like you went to the North fucking Christmas, it's like you went to the North Pole downstairs. It's like there's a bunch of elves that made shit. It's nuts. Christmas, I assume you get drug into that weekend. But what about, does the Halloween and the Thanksgiving, do you get brought in to work on that shift when she's switching them over? No. Now you're good. No, her and my daughter will just, I'll just wake up and I'll be in a Halloween world.

I'll wake up and I'll be in a Halloween world. Yeah, there'll be spider wheel. That's got to be a good feeling. They do that. She goes up in the attic, gets all the shit from that one, puts the stuff from the other one, and just transforms the house. I'm not, I just like when other people do that stuff and you walk into it. Yeah, well, look at me. I'm not exactly a decorative type.

He's doing hand turkeys and shit. He's hanging them up. Plain is this cake? Where's the Thanksgiving welcome mat? My wife, there's a different welcome mat for everything. Really? Oh, yeah. You come to my house right now?

It says, you know, spooky where the fuck? Then afterwards, thankful with the basket and the fucking... Does the scent change through the season? Yeah, my wife has a different hand soap scent for all the seasons. Okay. That's good. That's good. Nah, dude, I don't know.

The light spring. Chris was like, I fucking jerked off an elf. My hand smells like spearmint. I love that, do you? I love the, I love apples and cinnamon smell. I don't know why I said jerked off an elf, but... I got it. I was thinking about the Asian boy.

Yeah, we're very color-coordinated, matching. have things that you don't use, towels that you don't use for, you know, the bathroom has the set of towels that you don't touch and then the set of towels that you wait there's the bathroom downstairs,

right? There's the... Yeah, there's a little bathroom downstairs. Okay, I go in there, I pee, I wash my hands. Yep. What can't I use? No, no, you're downstairs, all bets are off. I can do whatever I want?

You go for it. Yeah, yeah. You go upstairs, there's certain towels, but you'll know which towel you can use. If it's got letter, if it's embroidered, got a design, a letter. If it's not used, You shouldn't be using it.

Yeah, yeah. The ones that got stitching and embroidered, you know, things like that, you don't touch. Mm-hmm. You know. I always run into that problem when it's, when the hand towel is not present. Like, say, especially like apartments, there's not two bathrooms. You know, they're just one. Using someone's.

Like if someone's towel. I've done that. Someone's towels hanging on the back of the door. And like, I bet somebody's, like, if I was at Luke's house, I went in there and did my business, wash my hands, all that kind of stuff, look through the medicine cabinet, see what's going on. Are you, do you? Oh, yeah. You look through medicine cabinets?

What? See, I got, I'm an addict. Oh, Jesus. I need foot cream if they got it. Can't invite this guy over for a holiday dinner. He's rummaging through my pocket. I'm keeping you out back. I'll be going through the trash.

This guy's stealing my clarin's. I had a full Z-pack in here, Henry. I had two of a macketolins left for a fucking rainy day, this guy. They're fucking runny nose there. No, I don't do it anymore. If I was in his place, I probably do it. See, turn the cameras on, Foley's taking a shit. Get the ring cam going.

You don't take a peek? No, that's nuts. What? Dude, take a peek in a medicine cabinet? Yeah, I feel like I'm robbing a joint. I can't. I can't. I'm not my fucking friend's house.

That is a level of respect that you should be like, I'm assuming. Because medicine cabinet's intimate. You know what I mean? It can be something for his wife, something for the kids, and you're fucking rooting around in there. He takes a fistful of cute dips. Got a mouth full of cotton balls. I don't get out of here.

Dental floss is in his pocket. Jesus. Yeah. You're the water pick goes. I just like to take a peek and see. Listen, I like all that stuff. I also look in the shower, to be honest with you. That is the crazy.

I look in the shower, especially if it's a ladies' apartment. And not in a creepy way. It sounds in a creepy way for being honest. Dude, that sounds in the biggest peeping, Tom. I just like to see how people have, like, their shampoo and all that kind of stuff. I'd like that stuff. Like, how cozy is the shower. You know what I mean?

No? No. I mean, and you always, you do a lot of this intimate stuff under the guise of coziness. I like cozy. You're a grown man who uses cozy too much. Are you opening drawers or just a medicine cabinet? You'll open a drawer. Well, sometimes you get those.

I'll put your clothes on if you want to do. Sometimes you have your panties. You guys wearing your ropes. Yeah, it fits. I like being cozy. Sometimes in the vanity Sometimes on the vanity They have those fake drawers

Where they're sealed Yeah, yeah I had those growing I hated that I didn't get that There was always that one draw That did it What's the fuck is that for?

Yeah, no that's true But then it makes sense It's like why do you have a drawer I know the sinks right there Yeah because so it's just decoration Because you can't have a drawer Because the sinks there So but it'd be weird

If you just had a big piece of wood You got a little detail Dude next time I invite you guys to the house I'm just gonna have a sign In the medicine this is high Foley Yeah open it up Call you, bitch. Take everything out.

That's great. Pauley, we can't thank you enough for coming in and sitting down with us. Thank you, brother. Congratulations on the new pod. Paul's best podcast. You've got two episodes out right now. You got Pete Davis to come, Mr. Dan Soder.

It comes out every Wednesday night at 7 p.m. Every Wednesday morning. Every morning. Every morning it comes out. Pete was the first one. Dan Soder is this week, and I have so many great guests. And the nice thing is it's Evergreen,

so it's all about the best of. Please check that out. It's on Big Money Play. which is Will Farrell's podcast network. Also, IHeart Radio. So check that out. Get it anywhere you get your podcast. Also, my YouTube channel, guys.

Go to my YouTube channel. Hit the subscribe button. My new special Reasonable Man is on there. This is Thursday night. Hello. Tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow night, I'm going to be at Helium and Buffalo.

One show only, 730. I actually do love Buffalo. Buffalo is a great comedy. Buffalo is a great comedy town, great sports town, great food. The 24th, I'll be at Sold Joe's. and I'm in Texas on November 5th and 6th, which I believe is Houston and Dallas. Check out those dates, Paul Verzi.com.

Oh, and I'm going to be doing Algonquin Performing Arts Theater November 8th in Madisquan, New Jersey, and I'm doing the Town Hall, Edmund Town Hall, in Newtown, Connecticut on December 12th, all dates, Paul Versey.com. Check them out, baby. Check me out, man.

I really appreciate you. Thank you guys for having me all. Of course. One of the absolute best buddy. We love you very much. Thank you for coming in. He's family. Philadelphia, get tickets for December 13th.

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