Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Paul Scheer!

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

Are You Garbage presents actor, comedian & podcast host Paul Scheer! You know Mr. Scheer from stand up, How Did This Get Made, The League, Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend, First Date, Bertcast, This Is Not Happening, Colbert, Parks and Rec, and so much more! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a Live Show! AYG & Friends 10/1: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Pretty Litter: https://www.prettylitter.com/garbage Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

New York City, New York this Tuesday night, October 1st, we're going to be the Gramercy Theatre for a little AYG and friends. And we're bringing out a star-studded lineup. We got Dan Soder, we got Janis Poppish, and our Wawa Twins. Plus we got crazy cousin Ian Fy Dance. Gramercy Theatre, all tickets available at rugarbage.com. We'll see you there. She's there. Hold on there, gang, before we get the show started, let's talk about that Mint Mobile, baby.

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A $45 upfront payment required, which is the equivalent of $15 a month. New customers on their first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See MintMobile for details do it Yeah, not to the show Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or

absolute trash Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it out to good to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's

off to her dart league. Okay, she left the note supper is in the oven and not to wait up for okay Supper is only cereal. I don't know why it's in the oven. All right, okay, so we're gonna miss this week My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in a whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody What's up everybody? Thanks for tuning in as always is, make sure you're a view subscriber on iTunes. Full video available. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www dot Patreon dot com slash are you garbage? You go over

there, you know, your bonus gang and gang. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful comedian, actor, director, podcaster, producer, and now author. And you might have seen him, but not limited to it. Now, normally what we do is we rattle off all the credits here. But I think it's probably easier to rattle off the things you haven't been in.

Because this guy's a worker. So you haven't been in Citizen Kane. That we know of. And you weren't in Roots. So pretty much he's been in Citizen Kane. That we know. And you weren't in Roots. Yeah. So pretty much he's been in everything else. You got Human Giant. You got 30 Rock, Reno 911, Bob's Burgers, Electric City, Modern Family, NTSFSD SUV.

39 episodes of that. You got Robot Chicken. Of course you got The League, 84 episodes of that. Wet Hot American Summer, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Drunk History, Veep, American Dad, The Good Place, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Goldbergs, Black Monday, 30 episodes of that, Big Mouth. Plus she got a slew of personal appearances out there.

You can hear him on his two amazing podcasts, How Did This Get Made and Unspooled. And he's got a brand new book out right now. It's a memoir, Joyful recollections of trauma. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the one, the only Mr. Paul Scherer. I am so excited to be here. I hope it's OK. I did block in the driveway. But I feel like that's OK. Right.

That's why we'll tell. We know the tow truck driver. You're all right. But he's going to be passed. And this guy's good. He comes in. yes, and baby. Buddy, first of all, congratulations on an unbelievable career. Oh, thank you so much. I hope it's not over. I know.

You just said that. Like, this is the last thing he's doing. Welcome to Paul's retirement party, everybody. Oh my gosh, I'm getting canceled right now. This happened. Well, it was fun while I lasted Paul. Jesus. All right.

Now we'll watch this video, and you'll see why never to hire him again. That was so dim, so dark. I didn't mean it like that. No, I know. I listen. Jesus. Now we'll watch this video and you'll see why I never to hire him again. That was so dim. So dark. I didn't mean it like that. No, I know. I know. I appreciate being here and I'm excited.

I'm excited to find out if I am garbage because I think there are moments in my life where I feel like, yeah, I'm garbage. That's everybody. I've done a little digging. Yeah. We did a little preliminary research. All right. Yeah. Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story of Paul Scheer. You know, so funny that you say that because that was the first question that Lorne Michaels asked me when I auditioned for Saturday Night Live. Really? Shit. Literally. I said, what is your

career trajectory? How did you get from, from when, how did you get from where you were to my office right here? And that's a tough question. Very answer. Yeah, of course. I took the sixth train. I guess, you know, I just live over on 50th and eighth. It's easy. It was really just, I didn't even have to take a train.

I just walked across town. You know, for me, I came up. The Long Island kids. Long Island guy. Huntington. Huntington, Northport, I worked in Seiyaset, Central Isis. I moved around a lot. my dad's from Queens. So I spent time at my dad's house.

So Long Island, New York kid who loved comedy. And that was so far removed from the world that I lived in. My dad's a pharmacist, my mom's a nurse, my mom's husband's a psychotherapist. So I don't know, I just love it. But I still learn it. How do I learn it? Doctors.

Very smart people who are very upset that I'm doing this. Yeah, of course. Right, like they have my dad, like you could have taken over my pharmacy, my mom. Like you could have worked in the hospital. Nope, I wanna get up on a stage. Even now they're like that? You know, it's interesting because-

Got cash now. But it depends on what it is, cause I don't know if they think what I do is successful. For example, when I was on Veep, my mom was so excited. She said, I can't wait. I love Veep. If they'd like it and know it, it checks the box for them.

For me, the biggest goal that I have in my life, which I have not yet achieved, is to be on a- I hate to bring it to you. It's over. Yeah, this is it. I mean, it's not what I have written here, Paul. It's to be on... I hate to break it to you, it's over. This is it, I mean it's not... It's not what I have written here, Paul. Is to be on Kelly Ripa, because I feel like that would be the thing that all my family would see

and it would validate. It's like, yes, I was on Letterman, yes, I've done other things. But if I was on Kelly Ripa, it would be like, that would be... You made it, Paul, Paul finally made it. Kelly Ripa, that's awesome. But, so... You know, so I love comedy. I was growing up in that world of just like taping SNLs.

Sure. You know, taking my favorite sketches. It's wanted to get involved. Memorize it only. Memorize it, just whatever I could do. And there's no internet, there's no YouTube, there's no way to figure out how to get into this. But when I am in middle school,

I go into New York City with my dad and we see this improv show called Chicago City Limits. And it was like a $15 ticket and they improvised and it blew me away because I didn't understand what improv was, I knew what standup was, but improv was like, oh my God, they're creating a show on stage. The first time you see it, if it's done well,

you're like, even now, if you see it done well, you're like, that is, I even know the tricks of it, and I'm like, that is amazing. Well, yeah, no, it's like, and it really is just like listening and acting, and it's impressive. And I was like, I wanna do that. And I think that that kinda put me on a trajectory. But even that, it was like, well, what do I do?

How do you get it, yeah. Yeah, I'm a kid who's not even in high school trying to get on board here. So I convinced my dad, I'm a kid who's not even in high school trying to get on board here. So I convinced my dad. I'm like, Dad, I want to take classes at Chicago City Limits. And he's like, OK, well, we can figure it out because when you hang out with me on the weekends, we'll go into the city. You can take this class.

I take a class not realizing I am 14 years old. Right. Right. And I go into this class full of people who are in their mid-30s. Guys that are bartended and stuff like that. Yes. And the majority of them not even

wanting to be actors or comedians. They're just like, I want to be loose at work. One guy was in FBI age. Freeze. And so as I get into that class, I'm looking around. You're in there with an FBI agent. I'm like, oh my god. And I'm like, what do I do? I can't tell him I'm this young so I

lie you know I just go you know go how old are you and I'm like I'm a freshman in NYU that was my lie that's pretty good this guy's good at it and they're like oh great I'm like yeah and I commute I commute in and out because you know I'm trying to but but meanwhile I have my dad who's waiting outside to take me home. My roommate. That's my parole officer. Thank God my dad was smart enough to be like, when I went to the first class, he's like,

I'll let you out down the block so you can walk to class. That's a good dad. Oh, man. That's a dad who understands. Right, yeah, so he's like, it's a safe distance, and when I left class, he would wait about a block away, and then we'd kind of meet up. That's really good.

It was a nice, it was like, yeah, he was like my pimp. He would let me go do my work and then I'd come back and we'd see him. So, I was in this class and kind of living this, like this double life, and everything in that class kind of blew my mind, because we're improvising these scenes and people are driving a car. I'm like, I've never driven a car.

They're in a therapy office. I didn't think you had zero life experience to pull from. Right, yeah. You know when you're playing with your guys? Yeah, I'm like, I don't know anything. I'm like, yeah, my parents dropped me off at the movie there. I was great at playing the kids scenes,

but I don't have that much experience about what it's like to go to therapy or have a job, which were a majority of these scenes. So yeah, so that's kind of where it started. And then very cavalierly, I don't apply to any colleges. I just keep this lie going. I guess I'll go to NYU partly because Theo Huxtable went to NYU from the Cosby Show.

And I was like, well, I guess I'll do that. And I went for education, because that's what Thea went for. And I just thinking, one day I'll be able to find another door here that kind of open up. And I started touring around with that company, Chicago State Limits. And I was doing that when I was going to school Monday through Thursday, but then touring Friday, Saturday,

Sunday. High school Monday? Oh, sorry. This is college now. You did go to NYU. Four. So you did go to NYU? Four years later, I go to NYU. Right, shit. But the only reason why, I think,

is because I've created this lie that I wasn't NYU student. You kind of manifested it, yeah. Keep it going. And I'm doing very well there. Yeah, I'm doing. The ladies love me. I'm on an eight-year program. But you know, and I was touring around the country

in doing improv in the worst spots. What were the venues? I mean, a lot of it were community art centers. Sometimes you get lucky as a college, but a lot of the times bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs. I performed on the Upper West Side. Sorry, Upper East Side, not that makes a difference, but it does a little bit.

And the kitchen was our changing room, and we were performing in someone's living room. I think I've done that. We did it last week. And I was like, because I was like walking away with $125. If I got to do a road show, it was $125. If I did a show in New York City, it was 75.

And that was like, hey, I'm making it. That's good money. Right, you know, here I am. And that kind of was, I was like, I didn't really think forward I was like, well, that's it. I guess I'm I'm I've made it, you know, what are you studying in college? I basically I mean you're at NYU. You're not studying drama or no I'm I'm dating this girl and she's in graphic design. I'm like I'll be in graphic design. I like I'm a mess

I'm not doing anything good because I don't have any passion for it, right? And my parents aren't gonna pay me for me to go to acting school, right? They're not gonna be like, oh yeah, go to NYU and pursue your dream of drama. You know, they're like, go to NYU and get a degree. So I go.

Had you had any graphic design experience? No. The only reason why I went was because, or I decided to transfer well way a the girl But be the leader of the department sounded like Jeff Goldblum and I was like well That's enough for me. This is another material rights itself. So yeah, hold on Let me see if I get my head around this so you start you start doing the improv when you're in middle school Yeah, yeah, like high school and then you do it all four years. You're going on the Saturdays and stuff like that.

Yeah. And then when you're around college age, you you become on the team of the of this place. And then you're also going to NYU, but not studying drama. You're taking graphic design classes at NYU. Yes. And and then when I break up with that girl, I join the FBI. And then but this won't tell you like that And I joined the FBI. And then, but this is what I tell you, like people go, wow, what did you do?

It's not a path I recommend anyone to follow. But you know, then I break up with that girl, I drop out of graphic design and I go into education. I'm like, well, teaching is like being a performer. And you know, I remember when I was in Catholic school, one of the priests at my school said, Paul, become a priest, you perform to a pack cross every Sunday and I was like, you know I remember when I was in Catholic school my one of the priests at my school said Paul become a priest you perform to a pack Krauss every Sunday and I was like you don't gotta worry about tickets they come

already so um no late shows yeah but early show early sure but um you know it's like I'm just doing this I'm not I don't know how to go forward. Because everybody in Chicago City Limits has a real job as well, right? So they're not career professionals. And then I see the UCB, the Upright Citizens Brigade, which is Amy Poehler, Matt Walsh, Matt Besser, and Ian Roberts.

And they did a show called Ascat. That's improv as well, and it was a different kind of improv. The improv I was doing was very much like who's line is it? Anyway, every time a bell rings, we're gonna change our last thing, you know, like Jeopardy, you know, Proctologist, all these like very basic games.

But then I saw UCB, and it was like a rock show. It was, you know. It was cool, too. It was cool. They were drinking beer on stage, and they're, you know, and I know that sounds silly, but it was like, I'm in a shiny shirt and slacks performing like, you know, like Broadway song parodies, like,

Windows 95, what a way to make a living, you know, or like, it's a mere piece of crap, like do like the mere space station, you know. So I'm, you know, I'm doing that. And then I see this thing that's very punk rock on the fifth floor of a you know Walk up on 17th Street in the small little theater, and I was like oh my god I'm the coolest thing in the world and what's happening and what I don't realize at that point is yeah

It's the UCB for it's a UCB But they have all their friends performing and now looking back on it those friends are Tina Fey It's famous people. Yeah, Rachel Dratch John Gla, like all these people that have all had these amazing careers. So I'm watching them just play and have fun. So this was when it was, there was no school yet. There was no place in the East Village. This was just Amy Poehler and them just, that was just their band.

That was their group. Literally to find the theater, the first time I went, you walk down 17th street and it was like, I think it was called Solo Arts Group. And I was looking, I'm like, where is this theater? I'm looking for a theater and I'm like up and down the block and it feels like I'm like Harry Potter trying to find that like train station. I'm like where is this and some guy kind of walks out of the building and he sees it, we're lost. You know, we don't have Google Maps at this point,

there's nothing there. He's like, you looking for the theater? I'm like yeah, he's like, up there. It's in this building. So we go up, and I always remember this, it was a wooden staircase, a wooden walk-up, I've been to many steel walk-ups, a wooden walk-up. We walk up five flights of stairs in a building that looks completely abandoned, and it opens up to a fifth-floor theater that sits 50 people, and that's where I first see UCB.

And then they start teaching classes, start taking classes there, and then that's when this kind of amazing moment in New York City comedy kinda happens, because UCB becomes something, right? And improv is not something, I mean I wish somebody told me this early on, but it was not something that people were responding to until the UCB kinda came in, right?

And so I got in on the ground floor with those guys and was doing six shows a week at their new theater because they just needed people to fill the time. But I'm doing it with people like Rob Briggle and Rob Hubel, Aziz Ansari, all these people. We're all just performing multiple shows. Day in, day out. And it's like, that's like my college education.

I'm just like writing shows and performing shows, I'm directing shows, I'm working the lights. And it's an old strip club that a lot of the old patrons of the strip club don't realize has changed. So many times in the first year of doing shows, people come in and get up in the middle and walk out. They're like, I'll see a little bit of this cabaret, but when there's no tits, I'm out.

That sheer kid's pretty cute. We had a lot, yeah, so that was like a, that was it. And so that was a, that was, you know, and then a lot of things started to happen from that. Like that became like this jumping off point of making these connections, having these friends. It's kind of the proving ground. Right, and then it was all of a sudden,

we're getting cast in like Conan O'Brien bits, like late night bits. Sure. So you get like, hey, can you come on? And that was amazing. That was the breeding ground. It was, you're like, they come, we'll pay you 500 bucks, you put on a dolphin costume and you walk across stage. And it was, it was like, That was the breeding ground. It was you like they come will pay you 500 bucks You put on a dolphin costume your walk across stage and it was it was like now I've made I would take that gig now Yeah, I mean that's a good deal and you didn't know anybody the first time you walked up there

Yeah up the wooden steps you hadn't met anybody or anything like that. This was just that was your initial squad in comedy That was that was that cool that you just named? Yeah, it was just like we had heard, there's a good comedy show happening, the UCB. So I went up there to go check it out, saw it, and I was blown away, kept on going back every Sunday. And this is when you could actually get a seat. And then at a certain point, you'd have to get there at three o'clock for a seven o'clock show.

The line would be down the block. So I got there very early on and started taking those classes very early on and some of those people that took classes with those first classes, I still hang out with to this day. I mean, we're all in that same kind of path, but it's kind of like we all got brought together by that. And it was a very collaborative thing too.

So you call each other in, you bet, come on, come on, let's go do this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Sure, that's wild, man. Keb, let's talk about acorns. Ooh, shout out to the acorns. Now gang, a lot of you're like me out there. You think investing can feel intimidating. Oh, scary. You don't know how much you need to start.

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Let's go back a little. Some of the best and worst comedy I've ever done. By the way, I did a show called Robot TV, TV for robots by robots, and we would basically just try to walk the audience. It was at midnight on Fridays. Yeah, so that was it. Made by robots for robots.

That's pretty good. Let's go back a little bit, childhood. Any brothers or sisters? No, I'm an only child that had a step-sister for a little bit. My mom was remarried to a guy child that had a step sister for a little bit. My mom was remarried to a guy. We had a step sister, she was very cool, but didn't hang out with her that much.

She's much older. At what age did they get divorced, your parents? When I was three. But here's the crazy thing, my folks, my mom and dad, my real mom and dad, pretended to stay married married or pretended for me that they were still married until I was five. So it was one of those things,

I write about this a little bit in the book. Now we're talking. Certain things stick in your head, but you don't know why, right? And as a kid, you don't know what's off, what's weird. And I was, I remember getting up one night and whatever, just as a kid getting up, I don't know what I was doing.

But I was still. Yeah, you know, and I see my dad in the guest room bed. I'm like, huh, what's going on there, right? But I just went back to bed. I didn't really think about it. And I remember I asked my mom the next day, I was like, why was he sleeping in the guest room? And my mom's like, oh, our bed is broken.

Which is a great metaphor for divorce. Sure, my parents' bed also broke. Yeah, and I was like, okay, and I think as a kid, there are certain things that you're like, I don't wanna question this because if I do, it will unravel the fabric of my reality, right? You know, right? So, but I knew it was weird,

because I was always like, guys, hug, kiss, hug, you know, trying to push them together. But you know, so, but yeah. That'd be funny if you were doing that. I need to make out right now. Yeah, like, let's go, dirty, dirty stuff. More tongue. Hand on butt, please.

You don't mean that, let's go. And so that was, that was a really interesting thing, because for these two years, my dad was, they grew to the point where my dad would leave when I went to bed, then get there before I got up. Damn, they went that far? Yeah, you know, cause I think they really wanted to create,

and I think it's really admirable. Yeah, no, I agree with that. 100%. But at the same time, and this is, I think as, I'm a dad now, I have two kids, I have eight year old, 10 year old. You wanna do everything right for your kids. Sometimes you're gonna mess up, you're not gonna even realize that you messed up, right?

I showed my kids goonies, I was like, they're gonna love goonies, this is gonna be great. And I'm laughing, I'm having a good time, and I look over at my son, and we get to the part with Sloth, I'm like, guys, it's funny, right? And they're like, why do you think this is funny? I'm like, his parents, he's ugly, and his parents locked him in the basement, I'm like, guys, come on, hey, hey, it's funny, right? And they're like, why do you think this is funny? I'm like, his parents, he's ugly,

and his parents locked him in the basement. I'm like, guys, come on, hey, hey, hey, hey. Classic bit here. He's a baby Ruth, baby Ruth. He's like, you're making fun of his speech impediment now? I'm like, no, it's not that, you don't get it. My kids are gonna cancel me. But you know, so my parents, I think,

thought they were doing a good thing. What I think happens is, in a little bit of my mind, I'm like, I'm always thinking on the Truman Show, because it's like, you know that something's off. Something's a little off. You know, and I think that that did affect me in some way. I don't wanna be here like wah, you know.

No, no, no. But you know, but it's- That's a very unique thing. I've never heard that before in my life. Yeah, so I think they were trying their best, but in hiding it, I do think it like built a little bit of a deep-seated thing. Now, my parents got along very well.

My dad was very much a part of my life, but my mom gets remarried. When do they tell you? At five. They say what? Well, we're moving. Happy birthday. We're moving.

We're moving. And it was sort of like, it wasn't like, I don't remember ever being told it was a divorce. It was like, we're leaving this house. And in a weird way, the divorce became the house. It. It was like, we're leaving this house. And in a weird way, the divorce became the house. It was like, oh, we're leaving this place that we live. And my dad's like, and I'm gonna have my own place, and I'm gonna have my own place.

I grew up in a time, I'm not an old man, but I grew up in a time where no one in my classes were divorced. I was the only kid. So it wasn't like, oh yeah, I go to my dad's. So was Billy and whatever. Right, yeah, I was the only one. And that changes, I got older, but in that beginning time.

So it was like, oh, my dad's going here, my mom's going here, and it just felt like, okay, I just went along with it. As a kid, I'm dumb, I'm not gonna ask too many questions. You know, I'm not gonna get into the weeds with it. And so at five, they officially go to their own spots, but my dad is still so much there. I'm like, dad's coming out two days a week.

I'm going to his house on the weekends. He's there on Christmas morning. Same neighborhood, same area? Yeah, how far was it? My dad's in Queens. My parents, my mom is in like Central Isap. So about, you know, not terrible. Yeah, not bad.

You know, drivable distance. And so yeah, that was like, that was my relationship. And what happened was, my dad was my gateway to comedy. My dad was, we're gonna tape Saturday Night Live, we're gonna go see Chicago Sea Limits. Driving into the city. Yeah, we're gonna go. Waiting around the corner for you, man.

Yeah, well that's it. So like, that became this thing. My dad was, it was, in many respects, my dad gets the best part of the gig, which is like, he's so much fun. Yeah, you know, and we get to have all this fun. And he's incredibly responsible too. He's not like, it wasn't that, like, it wasn't that.

He was always there, but it was like, the weekends were, I had no homework to do, and we just got to be together. So that was a great thing, and we really bonded on those things. It gave me my love for, you know, everything from, you know, Mel Brooks and to Steve Martin and everything. Like we could bond on that.

And I was like, that was a huge thing, I think, helped like form that sense of comedy. I remember going to his house, his house that he grew up in and stealing his Smothered Brothers and Bill Cosby album. Oh, I got these albums. I'm going to listen to this stuff. So that was that was fun. You know, that's awesome. Yeah, I like that. I like pretending to stay together, though.

That's a first for the show. Yeah, that's a check mark into the garbage into the garbage area. I love it. Were you a good student? Here's the thing. I I am. Yeah, like I think I was fine. Like throughout my life.

Look, I found out when I'm over 40 years old that I have ADHD. I never knew that, right? Gotcha. And that definitely affects my work. Of course. I don't even know it. I feel like I'm a building that needs major construction work,

and I'm just putting up scaffolding around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I'll figure it out. My entire life was just kinda like holding myself together. And to make matters worse, I also needed glasses, but I wouldn't admit that I needed glasses either. So like I would be watching the teacher on the board and my parents- Wait, as a kid?

As a kid, I would be like, cause I would be like, I knew, I was like, ah, the teacher writes so lightly on the board, I can't see it. Right, you know, like my parents are like, oh, that's weird. I'm like, not that I need glasses. So I didn't get, so I didn't get glasses until I was almost out of high school.

You know, and I have have this AD, ADD, and terrible at math, terrible at science. But where I succeed is in history and writing. And I could read. I could read. I could read. Dude, wait until after high school and get glasses. Because I got them in sixth grade. Oh, yeah. And I was near sighted, so I couldn't see I could read. Wait until after high school and get classes. Because I got them in sixth grade.

Oh, yeah. And I was near sighted, so I couldn't see things far away. And I remember when I got them, I was like, all this time? Right. This is what it looks like? I mean, this is what I feel like getting ADD meds after 40 years. I'm like, what?

I waited until I had kids. I'm like, my life got so much better. And they go, oh, it's easier. But it was, but you know, it was interesting because I got by and I, you know, I got on the Dean's List. But it was like, but I was like, I was getting, but like, hooking by Crook, you know, it's like, you know, and it's like, I wasn't failing out, but there was times where I really did very badly.

And I remember I formed this thing and I was so proud of myself. When I was in sixth grade, I knew that there might be some nights where I wouldn't do my homework. So I would always hold my, like when we'd have a workbook, we'd have to do our work,

next day we'd go through it with the class and the teacher would watch us. So I'd always hold my notebook like this, really close to my chest, and so no one could see. And hoping that the teacher would think I didn't do my homework. And I would do that when I did do my homework.

When I did it. It's a good scamming the system. Right, so then she's like, Paul, show me your work. And I'm like, here it is. Oh, you did it. I did. Then when I didn't do it, I'd still hold it that close. So I kind of was like, you know, I was-

Jesus Christ, that's diabolical. Yeah, you know, I mean, look, as a kid, they gotta figure out different ways to go. Of course. There are some ways it didn't work. You're giving away fake tells to the kids. That's nuts. You gotta kind of figure it out.

I mean, I did learn my lesson when I, you know, I was in an opera class, I took an opera class in college, I was like, that'll be easy, it was impossible. I had to like learn music, and I cheated off people who looked smart to me little did I know The person who looked very smart not smart at all. Yeah, I was really dumb and I failed really badly What were the vacations like as a kid only one vacation? talking Walt Disney World

Florida Orlando no every year really that way that we go back every year. Every year? That was it, we'd go back every year. Occasionally, Bush Gardens, Virginia, Blankford, Virginia. But that was it, like I didn't know that you could take a vacation to anywhere that didn't have roller coasters. I was like, I didn't understand, like when my girlfriend in college,

I mean, this went all the way to college, she was like, well, where's the amusement park? Like we went to France, and I was like, we gotta go to Walt Disney World, right? And she's like, what? I'm like, we gotta go. They got a French Mickey over here. Mickey years on?

Yeah, so like we went to- Would you fly or drive? Fly. But it was like that, it was at a point where, like I'm the only kid, right? So it's like I would go with my dad so you can get like a flight down there for 80 bucks.

It was like, it was cheap. It was always in the paper. I remember like looking in the New York Post and it was like, fly to Orlando for $75. You know, it was a very cheap deal. Would he always take you or would your mom take you sometimes?

It was pretty much my dad. He really did get the good. Yeah, my mom and I went a couple of times. My mom and I, we did go to this place called Rocking Horse Ranch, which is up upstate New York here. Rocking Horse Ranch is like a dude ranch for families. And I almost burnt it to the ground. I was playing with matches outside the Rocking Horse Ranch

because I was bored out of my mind because I grew up, you want to talk about trash. I'll tell you this, my mom marries this guy and we live in this house on a block, a dead end block and we have horses running around in our front yard, front and backyard. Long Island? Long Island, right?

So this is a crazy thing. I'm like, how did, like now as I'm older, I'm like, first of all, how is this even legal? We had a bar, a makeshift bar. Wait, they were yours? They were ours. Now people will be like, Paul, you had horses. You must be rich. No, I wasn't.

I was told that we got these horses because they were about to be put down. Like we got them from the, they were racetrack horses. We got them. And my stepdad, he was a hunter. He did a lot of like hunting on horseback with like dogs and stuff like that. So my, my childhood was spent like mucking corrals, cleaning out dog kennels, you know, but it was all in our yard, our residential block. And centralized. He realized like no

other house has a barn. No other house has barn No neighbors must have hated you guys. I mean the smells that we've produced on this thing, you know And it's like and they're running around these horses are just like running around in our you know, too They're not a lot but to to words. That's too many horses. Yeah too many horses and four dogs that were not indoor dogs They're just like hunting or outdoor dogs. Yeah, and we also raised quail like hunting or outdoor dog. And we also raise quail. Hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on a second.

Welcome to the show. Who was the stepdad? The stepdad, my mom, my dad is a. He had to come from some type of pedigree to be involved with hunting on horseback and quails. Well, but again, you're thinking of the classy British thing. I'm talking about the wall bounds truck driver version of it who owned a side construction company as well.

And we had giant backhoes in our lawn. Yeah, I know that house. So it's so funny, I showed somebody a picture of my house and they're like, oh, you grew up in a trailer park. I'm like, no. And then I looked at it and I was like, maybe. Maybe. You were raising quail. You know, it's like,

so my mom kind of went the opposite direction. My dad, pharmacist, smart guy, lovely guy. Refined, educated. Yeah, you know, like, you know, at least came, you know, his parents were farmers, but he went to pharmacy school, became a pharmacist. Great. My mom comes from a background,

her dad worked in a bank, but here comes this guy. Totally different than my dad, which I think a lot of mistake a lot of people make when they try to find the next person. I'm gonna go against the grain, and this guy is a dude who carries himself like he's constantly hungover.

I never saw him drink, he wasn't a drinker, but he had that kind of like, I have a knife on my belt buckle, I'm wearing a cowboy hat, I'm wearing cowboy boots. He'd come home from work with a black eye and be like, what happened? He's like, oh, I fell off a crate. I'm like, well, did you fall right on your eye?

You gotta do a fight. This is a guy who is just, he is kind of a bruiser. My mom meets him because my mom's a nurse and she's taking care of his mom in hospital. And she's on her, so that's how they met. That's how they met. But this is a guy who is, it was a whole different thing.

It was like we'd go out, he'd give me a gun and we'd start, we were like, I was shooting skeet in our backyard. Again, not on a farm, in a residential block. I have a shotgun out here. Basically in Queens, man. Yeah. That's crazy.

Yeah. So this has become like this very different part of my life. Yeah. Was he cool to you? Was he like nice? Well, look, I mean, I won't beat around the bush. What age are we talking here? We're talking about like from about six to 12.

Okay. Right? So that is a part of my book is talking about like this guy was also super physically abusive. So I was like, yeah. But no, but like, thank you. part of my book is talking about this guy was also super physically abusive. So I was like, yeah. But no, thank you, but also I'm more than happy to talk about it. I feel like sometimes when I talk about it,

I feel like people's butt holes clench a little bit and I'm like, I'm not gonna bring it down that journey, but it was one of those things where you never knew what the fuck was gonna go on. You come home and you'd be like, what's happening today? What am I walking into, yeah. Right, and it's like we could be having fun, one minute and then the next minute,

he could be choking me out over a game of Monopoly. Jesus. Right, so it was like. What'd your old man say about this? Well, this is the tricky thing. You can't tell him, really. Right, you know, you talk about, but I have a lot of empathy for my folks

because I look back on them and I go, they were doing the best that they could with the knowledge that they have. Sure. Right, and there were times where like, CPS was called on us, Child Protective Services, because they saw shit that was going on. Like, the thing that should have been the red flag

was when my mom got with this guy, he said, like, I was like, oh, I want to call you by your name. And he's like, no, you call me dad. Right. That's like weird old, like 1950. Like I feel like Dennis Leary in a fucking Sandlot. Yeah, this boy's life.

Yeah, right. And that was, and so I was like, but no, but I wouldn't call him dad. And so he would basically ignore me if I wouldn't call him dad. Jesus. So I remember one time, he locked me out of the house,

no shoes on in the middle of the winter, in my pajamas, and wouldn't let me in until I called him dad. And from that day forward, yeah, that was like, that's what I'm saying, it's these big, small things all over the map, you know, it's like this, you're living under this influence of like, what is gonna happen to you? And it was normalized too,

because I wouldn't go back, it took me a long time to even say that word, like abusive relationship. I feel so like, well, I don't know if I was abused, but I was like, oh yeah, I was. It just, it's, but you're just as a kid, but it's normalized. Like everyone's, you know, it's, it's.

Kind of number one indicator if you're in an abusive relationship is, am I in an abusive relationship? It's like, if you have to ask the question, you probably are. And that was, but we would have these moments where CPS would come over and they would interview my mom and my stepdad together. So that's like interviewing a hostage

and the hostage taker in the same room. So they'd never question me. They'd leave. We had therapists. If you do this again, you're gonna have big trouble. They would never get, you know, nothing really happens. So it's like, so there's a part of me where I'm like, yeah, did I tell my dad?

I did, but did my dad know what to do? Did he even believe that it was as bad? You know, you shut off these parts of your brain, you know, and you go like, how do I react? It's like, right now we could Google stuff, we could figure stuff out with, there's places, I could even do that. But then it was, you know, we you go like, how do I react? It's like right now we could Google stuff, we could figure stuff out with, there's places, I could even do that. But then it was, you know, we're left to our own devices

and I felt like what a lot of my family did was like kind of turn the other cheek. They would just go. I remember my grandma being like, if this happens again, I'll never come back here, which was great news for my stepdad because he was like, great. I just get to do it all the time now. And I also don't like you, so great.

Like it's like I get rid of my mother-in-law and this, great. You know, so it's interesting. I think as a parent now, you know, I never had anger at my parents because it feels crazy to say it, but I had a lot of love from them. Like they, you know, and my mom was in it with me. My mom was also going through similar stuff.

You know, that's her story to tell, not mine, but it's like, but we were going through similar stuff. That's her story to tell, not mine, but we were going through it. We're just trying to survive. And I think the mentality that we had was, well, once we got out, well, we're out. And let's close that door and never speak of it again. And that's another weird thing.

And you start to, you don't wanna tell people. It feels like you're trash. You're feeling you're trash. You're like, oh, I'm divorced. I've been married two times. It just, married, divorced once already. We're on thin ice twice. It's like, yeah. Yeah, you know, like at that point.

And that's like, it's also like keeping appearances up in like that Long Island bullshit way of, you know, yeah. But that, you know, so that was like kind of this, thanks we had these horses, we had these dogs. It was not, it was not a highfalutin. No, it doesn't sound like that. Yeah, you know had these horses, we had these dogs, it was not highfalutin. You know, it was. It doesn't sound big. Yeah, you know, but it was just like, that was our life.

That was what we did. And when, so you said, you got out of that at 12? Yeah, about 12. They broke up? They broke up. My mom and I moved into a small apartment in Hop Og, which is like out a little bit further away. We moved into like a two-bedroom apartment.

And that was a whole other thing. It's like, again, as a kid, you're moving around. You're going from a house with a family to a different house, new guy, then an apartment. And look, I know a lot of people grew up in apartments, but there are a lot of different culture shocks going in. We had horses two weeks ago. Yeah, right. It's like, yeah, it's like,

oh, now we don't have a laundry room in our house. You know, it's like, you're just constantly changing your. Adapting to everything. Yeah, and that becomes like a, again, it's like, okay, we can do it. It's like, I wasn't like mourning, but you lose your friends, you move to different places. You know, like I was never around.

Are these your different school districts? Yeah, so, you know, I'm popping around to different places, and you know, so you're just, I felt like I was an army brat, but I different school districts? Yeah, so I'm popping around to different places. So you're just, I felt like I was an army brat but I never loved Long Island. I'm just kinda like, you know. And you know, so, and all of that, it was a lot, the book is called Joyful Recollections of Trauma

and it's because it's like- It's a great title. Oh thanks, but it's not, not everything is all one thing, right? It's like, you know you have highs, you have lows, like there's certain things that were super fun in my childhood that were great. It also just had to ebb and flow between

these other weird moments. Yeah, and I think as you get older, you realize those extremes. As a kid, you just, you make do, you don't know any better. Yeah, you just roll with it, yeah. But I did know never to open up the door to strangers because my grandma, who's very Italian,

would be like, don't open the door to strangers because there's a rogue butcher in town and the rogue butcher kidnaps children. Jesus. And, and, and. Is that true? Well, I was like, oh, and she's like. Might as well be.

You know, and she's like, and you know how they found him. And I was like, why? She's like, well, you know, when mom came home one time, she didn't see her son in the house, she assumed he's out playing baseball or something. She starts to make the chop meat because she went to the butcher before she came home

and she starts making a chop meat burger. And the burger looks up at her and says, mommy. And I was like, I was like, grandma, I got enough going on. I was like, oh my God. But by the way, that story, a lot of logic jumps, but I bought it hook line. And I was like, I mean, even if you take that at face value,

you're like, that's, you know, I'm thinking there's a butcher out there to come and kidnap me. And I'm gonna- I got my stepdad and I gotta worry about this fucking butcher. I was talking about this the other day, like I was a latchkey kid, right?

And like, that's a crazy thing. I've, as a kid right now, I have eight year old, 10 year old. I would never let my kids be alone. I was alone for most of my child Oh a hundred percent like no one was around You know, so that's it's weird. You grew up in different ways, you know, I loved it by the way, of course Yeah, huh. You said chop meat. Yeah, is that referring to ground beef ground beef?

Is that what you would refer to? No, that's a big question chop meat. Yeah, I'll call chop meat I always call like a burger meat hamburger. Yeah ground beef like it's funny cuz it's like You know look I had to kill quail with my bare hands as a child I know how to do it Did you really oh, yeah? Oh my god. We had a we had a de-feather and a thing in our girl in our garage Yeah, you take the quail. I would have never pegged this for you. Oh man. Oh man. Yeah, you put it, you hold them by its feet

and you put them in this machine that looks like all these plastic, look like, I don't even know, just like plastic bars. You put it in and it's like brrrrra and it just would rip all the feathers off these quail. That was like, that was one of was a job, that was one of my chores.

Jesus Christ. Man, try it. And then would you eat them? The family would eat them? Uh, I don't know what we did with them. I think we sold them? I don't remember eating quail that much, but I mean, I probably did, you know. Okay. Yeah. So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food

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Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Non-investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. This is an ad from BetterHelp. As kids, we were always learning and growing. But at some point as adults,

we tend to lose that sense of curiosity and excitement. Therapy can help you continue that journey because your back-to-school era can come at any age. And BetterHelp makes it easy to get started with affordable online therapy you can do from anywhere. Rediscover possibility with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterHELP.com. One of the more recent questions we've been doing, who is the most famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Could have been like a

weather guy or whatever. Oh that's a good question. I was obsessed with like meeting celebrities. I wanted to be and I had a book called like how to meet celebrities when I was a kid right so it was like basically this I mean this guy. Has anybody built for the show? The book was, it's a crazy book because it was like this. How to meet Burt Reynolds. Truly, it was like that. So every like they would give you this idea that you can't meet a celebrity and say, hey, I'm a big fan.

That that you're just going to get an autograph or get a picture and you're going to get. I just did that to you outside. No, I said, hey, big fan. They you'd have to go up to me. I ruined it. Can I get an autograph? You go like this, you go like, oh, Burt Reynolds, what is Burt Reynolds have to go up to me. I ruined it. Can I get an autograph? You go like this, you go like, oh, Burt Reynolds.

What is Burt Reynolds into? I'm like, oh, Burt Reynolds is into trucks. So you would do some research on trucks, and you'd go like, hey, Burt, you see that new GMC they just came out with? And he'd be like, oh, you know, like you make it. An eight-year-old. Hey, Burt, want quail?

How do you feel about quail? Getting on this. Burt, you like broads, right? So that was like, I was always trying to figure out how to do it, but there was a person, and this is a great, I hope this is a great answer, who went to our church, my grandparents' church, Susan Lucci, from all my children.

Oh! Yeah, so that was a- That's pretty good. Are you kidding me? Yeah, so my grandma was like, go get her autograph. I'm like, but I'm online for communion. She's like, go get her autograph. Jesus. Yeah, you get? Yeah. So my grandma was like, go get her autograph. I'm like, but I'm online for communion. She's like, go get her autograph. Yeah, you get her autograph.

And my grandma. Your grandma played it fast and loose. Oh yeah. My grandma was like, no, no, no. My grandfather was like, don't, don't, no. You can't go up and get her. She's on the way to communion. How old are you at the time?

I think at that point, I'm probably, I mean, this is like peak all my children. I imagine I'm in like the tens, the tens or the 11, you know. She's at her sugeon. This is like the luchiest of all luchi. You know, like yeah. She's at her Susan Lucchius. This is like the Lucchiest of all Lucci. Like this is not even like I haven't won, I mean like it is like. It is the height of it.

The height of it. I always loved her. I mean she was the best and like people forget like soap operas played such a big part of our lives. Luke and Laura. And people forget. You said that it was soap operas. And these people forget.

These girls are the soap operas. I mean you remember like General Hospital was like a thing. He came home or at least I did. He came home, it was on., General Hospital was like a thing. He came home, or at least I did. I came home, it was on. It was like, that was a thing. We're the same age. You're 48, I'm 48. And to General Hospital, Luke and Laura.

Luke and Laura. Frisco and the Jack Wagner. Yeah, all that stuff. That was on every time I walked in the door. And when you were home sick, that's what you watched. Sure. Little days of our lives when you're home by yourself, Paul. Oh, 100%, yeah, of course, of course.

Ryan's hope, maybe? That was all right. Man, Susan Lucci. That's pretty good. That's a good one. And she was just living out on Long Island. She lived in Garden City. That's where my grandparents lived in Garden City.

So it makes sense, right? A perfect, like a nice, easy commute. They were filming it here, probably, right? Yeah, I'm sure. She was probably filming it right on like, what? Like 50th and the West Side Highway over there. Right out of Tootsie or something. Yeah, and she was just popping in,

but it's a good life, you know? Works a couple days a week. Susan Lucci did. Susan Lucci. Man, you are racking up. It's crazy. It's crazy. Have you ever called and requested a song on the radio?

I called many radio stations. That was again, to get in, I mean, my dream call was to call WPIX, which is WPIX is like the station that played movies and reruns and stuff like that, and they had a thing called PIX, and it was basically a guy in a station, like somewhere in New Jersey, playing like asteroids,

and every time you said the word PIX, which is WPIX, he'd hit a button like in fire as like his Space Invaders needle. So you'd be like, PIX, PIX, PIX, PIX, PIX, and they're like firing. And you'd like win like a $10 gift card to like Roy Rogers. You know, but.

That's not bad. Try not to Roy's. But yeah, so I think I would always try to get on that. But Z100 was my go-to. I think I wanted to call, but never got through. Gotcha. OK, wow. Frozen pizza growing up, what was your favorite?

That was not a thing. Never? We're Italian. There were pizza places nearby. I feel like that was- Long Island pizza, yeah. Yeah, we made pizza, or we got it delivered, or we picked it up.

We would go order from the pizza place. It was like, we didn't go out for pizza, but that was it. Frozen pizza to me. No Stouffer's French bread, nothing? I mean, yeah, I guess when I was in high school, because I was a latchkey kid, a bunch, I would get stuff so I could make my own dinner. Right, and that was good.

But I would make my own, I made this thing called affogats, which is like this, like this, affogats. It was like this, like this, it's like affogats. It was like this, like, this is a doughy, like a doughy, it's almost like a thicker Sicilian pizza that I would make. And you would make it.

I would make it, because it's like, it was easy enough to make. You get the dough, put some olive oil in there, you put in some tomatoes, you put some onion in there, you put it in the oven and you have it for the whole week. You're making pizza after school? Oh, I'm making, I'm making food. I mean, I'm making pork chops and making, you know.

You're doing pork chops? Pork chops as a kid? Maybe this is like high school age. Still, that's still a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, who are you? You know, because it's like, but I am. I'm like the only child in there.

And I think that was part of it. It was like, oh, well, I want to make sure that you have, like, my dad and my grandma taught me how to make stuff, right? You know, because it's like, I'm not ordering, there's no door dash, there's no, you know, it's like my mom's coming home a little bit later. Yeah, a little bit.

Sheer kids making stromboli. I have nice calzones. Would you guys keep your butter on the counter or in the fridge? Fridge, the counter is a new thing that I've learned, and I appreciate the butter on the counter. Soft butter. Soft. Yeah. Snacks as a kid, were you allowed to eat in your room?

That's a good question. You know, I feel like we were a family that I was always, like I was lucky when I could get the cereal variety pack. They had that mini pack of cereal. The small boxes? Small boxes. And they had one that was corn pops. And you're like, that's gonna be the one I hold. That's my treat. You know, and you have the Frosted Flakes in there, but the corn pops was like, you know,

cause it was like, it was all healthy-ish, except for corn pops. And then they have the one that's all like fun ones. But like, it wasn't like, we weren't like a big snack family. We definitely, here's, look, this is gonna answer your question right away. I think you already have, but yeah. Doritos dipped into sour cream.

That was our, so we would often get together in my mom's room, me, my mom, my stepdad, and we'd have a bowl of sour cream and a bunch of Doritos in the bedroom. Stepdad, stepdad? Stepdad, stepdad, dipping Doritos into sour cream and that was like that was and then a lot and then a lot of a lot of me Shooting whipped cream into my mouth from a whipped cream can those are those are like my snacks

Three of you sitting in bed watching TV different Doritos and you're a larger gentleman has that ever come across your radar Yeah, I've dipped in sour cream. Okay. I never thought about it, but it makes sense. By the way, it's a good it's a good taste. I tried it. I tried it recently because I was like I had some sour. Very rare that I have sour cream like just out in the out in the house. And I was like, let me see if this is good. That's it. That's drive. I would dip it in ranch to my. Oh, yeah.

And this is a weird thing. But my intro into Cool Ranch Doritos was because of Jay Leno. He did the commercials. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way he would talk. He just sold them to me so strongly. And in one of the commercials, he dips the chip in like Cool Ranch or something. And then ever since that, I'm a big dip into sour cream or Cool Ranch.

It's a regular ranch. Look, what are Doritos? Doritos are kind of pretend nachos. Yeah But like it were dipping those Never I never put it together, but it makes total sense. All right, let's talk about now a little bit. Yeah doing well Sure when things started It's just your retirement When you started doing well was there any the first big check which I don't know what that was

But yeah when you got the first big check did you do anything reckless with it? No, they're just a jet ski or my first big check and what was it? He's long island trash. I didn't know I thought more quail. My first big check was spent on a pullout couch. That was it. I was like, I'm going to get a couch that I could sleep on because I had a studio apartment. And I was in New York City.

And I was like, this is it. You know, I was like, look, then that way can be like, I don't have to worry about the bed of it all. I spent, I remember I spent a thousand dollars. Oh We're talking probably 2004 something like that so it's like and that couch stayed with me for a very long time, but Yeah, like that was like I remember like I was like oh boy. This is a big one. I'm buying a pullout couch You know and it sounds about to the worst night sleep. Yeah, like Jennifer convertibles

You know like the brown a brown Pull out couch, but it was like it was that to me was the most money I ever spent and what was that check from? What was it from human giant human giant sketch? Oh, I did with Rob pupils. He's I'm sorry directed by Jason Wollner Was it great? It was like that was like oh, I'm making money. I'm living in New York City and You're doing it. I was doing it. And I'm going to buy myself a pullout couch. I've worked hard enough. That's crazy.

You know, so that's that you are. You have many first on the show so far. And have you always been pretty smart with your money? Did you were you reckless with it as you were cooking? I think I was always really smart. I again, that's a smart. I, again- You got some major, yeah, I mean, you got major network TV cash here.

But here's the thing, right? Like, I- Let me break it down. Yeah, like, I remember when- Hey, listen, fatty. When I was first doing, I first did the show, I think the thing that I first got recognized for, best week ever, right?

Which was like- That was my introduction to you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, so in best week ever, what was kind of fun, the people were like, hey, I love you on I Love the 80s. I never did it. I did Best Week Ever.

I'm not one of those hacks. But you were some respect on it. Well, the fun thing about Best Week Ever was, it really was, before Twitter or anything like that, it was like pop culture cliff notes for the week. Yeah, short form comedy, yeah. And every week, you're just talking about, I remember the first episode was J.Lo and Ben breaking up.

That was, anyway, I remember. Talk about a Super Bowl, man. Right, and it was sort of like, I remember that we were about to premiere and they broke up that Friday morning and we're gonna go live at, not live, but we're gonna go on the air for the first time at 11 o'clock at night.

And we got called in to shoot, To go back. To shoot so we could actually be on top. And that was like, and I know it sounds silly, but it's like, but that's what was kind of fun about the show. It's like, oh, someone gets voted out on Survivor. We're top of it. And that was like, and I know it sounds silly, but that's what was kind of fun about the show. It's like, oh, someone gets voted out on Survivor. We're talking about it.

We're right there, and it played Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so everyone's hung over, is watching it. All the kids who are at home who can't go out are watching it. And it was kind of a great way to be funny in pop culture, and that was something that I felt like it was in real time. So I was doing that show, and I feel like everyone saw it. Like, or was it, because it was huge.

It was huge. It was on all the time, yeah. And like that was the thing, because it aired, because on VH1, it would air all the time over the weekend. So it wasn't about like, what did people tune in for? It was like, you could watch it anytime, but you would catch it once over the weekend. And it was on every week.

So, you know, so people, I remember people like, well, you must be making us some big bucks. They notoriously pay horrible. I got $500 per episode, 500 bucks, right? And that was great money. Great at the time. It was like, I was thrilled. I was making it.

And I think that like, you know, to a certain extent, you go there and then you go like, oh, okay, well now I'm gonna get this MTV show. MTV show that I'm like writing, I'm in, I'm working like every day for a month, you know, it's like we're getting paid. Now, they talk about it like this, it's not nothing, it's $5,000 an episode, right?

So like 500, 5,000, which is, you know, you're doing like eight, 10 episodes, that's most money I made, but again. It's a lot of pull-out couches. It's a lot of pull-out couches. It's a lot of pull-out couches. And that was like, but that was like big. But that's like not, you know, I remember like. From a struggling comic to that, you're like,

this is amazing, but it's like, it's what a secretary makes. Right, it's like, because you look at it like, but people don't also realize too, is like when you get these other opportunities. And again, this is when I'm first starting out. You are a manager takes a fee, an agent takes a fee, and then you got taxes on it, right?

So you are getting like- They take theirs pre-tax, by the way. Yeah, exactly. They get in first. So if you're talking about like, you know, you're taking like 50, like if you, you could pretty much go like 50%. Half of the check is yours. Right, so I'm making $2,500, you know,

like, and like, which I'm taking it, I'm thrilled, right? But it's like, you know, and that was just sort of like, but people would walk up to me, oh, you must be rich. It's like, no, people on Will and Grace, like at that point, I remember Will and Grace, they were like giving them like, oh, you got picked up for a second season.

We're giving you all Porsches, right? Like, you know, it's like, you know, there is none of that. You know, I remember my manager took me out, took me and the three guys out for dinner. We went to a place called Loopa in here in New York City. I remember it so clearly.

And we bought a nice meal. And he goes, all right, so that's, we're good, right? We did it. I was like, oh, yeah. I guess that was our start gift, it was a nice meal. But at that point, it was the best. gift, it was like a nice meal. But at that point it was like, yeah, it was the best. So, you know, it's, yeah, it's, I mean, man, look, money is great and it is,

but it's also like, there's different levels. And I think when I got into this game, you know, you're working on this thing where it's like, yeah, I'm working, not for the paycheck always. It's like, you know, there are those opportunities, but I work with good people and I'll- Oh, this is gonna be a fun project with people I like. Yeah, and it's like, I'm not like,

there's a lot of talk about the big money deals, but it's like, no, it's good and it's consistent and it's been amazing, but it was a long time of struggling and putting those checks together and trying to figure out what's going on. So to answer your question, was I good with money, here's what I'd do. My ill ADHD brain, I had a Mead composition notebook.

And I would- It's pretty good. Yeah, right? It's real mom-ish, isn't it? And I would, every month, I would write down every bill that came in and I'd have my own plan. I'm like, okay, got this check over here, that's gonna take care of that,

that's gonna take care of this. And it was a six, and I was have my own plan. I'm like, okay, got this check over here, that's gonna take care of that, that's gonna take care of this, and it was a six, and I was very good about just keeping. Staying on top of it. Staying on top of it. And I think the biggest suspense I ever, they ever had up until a certain point was getting an engagement ring for my wife.

And that was difficult too. It was like, oh boy, this is, I'm taking my, I saved some money and I got an engagement ring. You know, those like, I'm taking my, I saved some money and I got an engagement ring. You know, those like, I remember, those are like those moments where like, your heart kind of drops. So I was never reckless with it, you know?

I was like, I was still making ends meet. And that's not to say that I was broke, I was able to live, I lived by myself, it was all good. But it wasn't like- It's also an industry where it's like, I could have two bad years and I'm back to zero Well, I think part of the joke of some of this stuff is and again like i'm not like wow who? Poor me, but it's like you do a show and it's like you do 24 episodes of a network tv show

They kind of and then you know, you're gonna come back in that august you can come back and shoot more you know i'm doing 10 10 to 12 episodes like and it may be A year before you come back for the second season. You gotta figure out you gotta make it last You gotta make it last. Yeah, I'm not taking any of that money for granted. Sure. All right That's pretty good man. See that's very classy. Yeah, that is clear. Yeah as opposed to the quails and the horse If we came over to the house now, where are you out? Are you here? No, I'm in Los Angeles You're in LA. Yeah, so if we came over to the house right now And you offered us a glass of water. Yeah, what would what are we looking at here? Well looking at a bottle Well, if you're gonna come over to my house and my wife is very classy and we live in a very classy house

But I'm gonna tell you this you come over to house I'm gonna I'm gonna say you want some water you'll say yes I'm gonna go down into the basement where I have a water cooler like a little jug that like you know like I'm gonna give you from the bubbler I don't call it a bubbler, but I know people call it a bubbler and give it would be like a doctor's off Yeah, and I'm gonna give you that cuz I know it's gonna be nice and cold for you I respect that is that glass or is it plastic the bubbler it I can go either way I could depend on what I order but I go plastic because okay

I don't need glass bottles then I got eight year old in a 10-year Sure sure sure anymore shit to be broken in my house. That's pretty good And is it the house that you're in now did you guys build it? Did you move into it? and we moved into it we did a lot of Work to it We were and I'm gonna be honest with it. we were in Architectural Digest, my wife and I. What? Yeah, so that was,

Paul, here, look at you. And talk about classy, that was something, I never realized so many people read Architectural Digest. I thought it was really cool. Really? But man, oh man, people came out of the world and were like, oh shit, yeah. You got a pool out there?

I got a pool, we put a pool in the day the writers went on strike the literally the day The writer strike hit we broke round and so So that was Yeah, so that was one of those moments really go all right here we go got to meet notebook Yeah, all right here. We go back to this is that a saltwater pool No, it's not saltwater pool. It's a regular I had one of the saltwater pools and all the first house we had and that's a fucking mess

I like for them to tell you like well by the way it will eventually eat away at the concrete I don't need any of this shit, but give me the chemicals. Hot tub. Yeah hot tub in there nice So what are you whipping town around town and what are you driving? Oh, I mean, this is I mean a minivan man I'm Chrysler Pacifica We take them on the road everyone that's what we get they're fancy they're big they're the best there They they drive like an Escalade. There's plenty of space. You got all the plugs You got the doors a shim flim, you go back and forth. My kids have their own TV screens. They can watch stuff they put on a headphone.

They're watching Sonic back there. Life is good. And they can also fit a shitload of luggage because we don't travel light, even though we like to pretend that we do, but we don't. Man, this guy's trash. And we got a dog.

We gotta get a dog in there too. What's the missus zipping around in? What does she have? BMW. Sure, you got one to keep up appearances. You're there too. Yeah, what's the missus zipping around there? What does she have BMW? Sure, you got one to keep up with She's got a very nice Have you ever owned your own bowling ball or pool cue yeah, I have all my own bowling ball really yeah I've all my own bowling ball when I was doing Chicago City Limits I was doing the Broadway bowling league League, right? And so.

That's fun though. And I got a big thumb, right? So I would find my. You might have heard that about me. You know, this is, you know, for those of you watching it on YouTube, big thumb. And so whenever I go bowling, I could never cram my thumb into that hole.

And I would, you know, I thought it was affecting my bowling. So I remember I got on a train from Manhattan, I went out to Queens to, you know, like a Dick's Sporting Goods, and I got fitted for a bowling ball. And I got my own bowling ball. I don't have a pool cue, you know, but I did have that, you know,

I did have a bowling ball. And I kept it around and for a long period of time, you know, a lot of the time it collected dust in my closet, but it was there. Okay. Man. Dinner a lot of the time it collected dust in my closet, but it was there. OK. Man. Dinner is usually at the table when everyone, when you and the Mrs. are home.

Yeah. I mean, my wife and I, we make a big deal of family time, right? Like, it's like, if we are not working, we are going to have dinner with our kids. Like, that is a big, it's a big thing. And I love that no TV on, except occasionally on Monday night football or, you know.

You've got money on the game. You know, you gotta keep going, like I get my fantasy leagues happening. But you know, here's the crazy thing. My wife is the one into football. Really? Yeah, I mean, I am too, but like, because she, like if I wanted the TV on during dinner.

No, of course, yeah, of course. You can't watch Rambo or something. Right, yeah. But we're also big basketball fans, so if there's a big game, there are, but sports are on during, it's not like. Because that's live, you gotta catch that. I mean, I grew up eating in the living room

around the TV, we're watching Martin. You know, it was no special event, it was just a Thursday. We're watching Martin. You know, so, but yeah, it was no special event. It was just a Thursday. We're watching Martin. You know, so, but yeah, so we do that around that, you know, table. We also have an island that we eat around. So we go back and forth.

Very nice. We tried to build a big kitchen when we moved into this house because we realized like that's the piece. That's the home. Yeah, that's where we are gonna be. I went to a person's house one time. I would argue it's the most,

it might be the richest person I know. I know that I could say as a friend and I could text. Sure. Truly one of the richest. And I went to their house and I was like, oh, this doesn't feel like a rich person's house. This feels like a person who has a very comfortable house. And that always stuck out to me because her kitchen was, she had like a rich person's house. This feels like a person who has a very comfortable house. And that always stuck out to me,

because her kitchen was, she had like a little mini living room built into the kitchen. Like there was a couch, there was a- It's a good hang. It's a good hang, so it's like, I could be cooking, and I always look at that. It's a giant floor plan,

but we wanted to create something where it's like, when people are hanging in our house, 90% of the time, we're hanging in the kitchen. It is, yeah, it's the empty center of where we go. So I love that. I love that idea of, I grew up in a house where we had a living room that we didn't go into,

or a fancy living room. Of course, yeah. I mean, I don't have that much more, I don't think. I mean, he's trash. 100%, he's 100%. But I wanna kinda hear more about the lifestyle now Check this join out What was your first concert Billy Joel well where Hartford no shit Billy Joel Hartford civics

Hartford Civic Center the the the the the Stormfront, that's the We Didn't Start the Fire Tour. Oh, you! Yeah, that's my first one. Wow, that's a great one. What's the second concert? Billy Joel. What's the third concert? Billy Joel.

Oh, shit. Yeah, my first four concerts were Billy Joel. Straighten her out. He's great live, though. Yeah, great live. I just saw him at the Garden last year. It was fantastic. Yeah, I'm gonna go see him at the Intuit Dome in October,

hopefully, if I can figure out how he's gonna get me tickets for that. Are you peeing in the shower? All right, so here's the thing. Who says that? I never, that was not something that was ever really introduced to me as an option. Right, and it makes- I think you figure it out on your own.

I don't think it's like- Well, I didn't know. It feels like, well, it feels like this is clean. This is a place where I'm being clean. You're not wrong. So, and not until I was older, did this idea get introduced to me. So I met this guy, another eccentric rich gentleman,

and he's showing us his house. And he goes, you see my bathroom, and he has a urinal built into the shower. Oh, in the shower. In the shower. And I go, what's that? And he goes, you know, I think it's gross to pee in the shower. So I put that over there.

So I kind of, I like. That's the classiest thing I've ever heard. That classiest, trashiest thing I've ever heard. Do we know this guy? You would know his work. It sounds like a real sliced alone kind of movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not a famous on-camera person,

but he is responsible for some of the best comedy. You know Michael Bay. Yeah, ah! But yeah, so, and then I was like, oh, that's an option that is available to me. I just didn't, look, I didn't know that. I mean, I guess you're right, you can figure it out on your own.

I did not. Okay. Are you peeing in the shower? Oh yeah, now I have to pee in the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the hell have you been doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, why would I?

Yeah, it makes total sense. Yeah, you brushing your teeth in the shower? No. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah? Uh, as for comedy, really, yeah. But no, not in that my kids love Tesla. They love Tesla. They love the cyber truck. My wife and I just did a bit. So we were hosting the humanitas awards, which is right before the Emmys. These guys host an award show.

He's Hollywood, this guy. And we did this bit, totally my wife's joke, but she was like, just sorry real quick, it's not televised, but it's in this nice room, and a lot of very famous people are there because it's a classy award show. She's just real quick, I'm so sorry, everybody, there is some, in the parking lot,

somebody with a cyber truck, they left their lights on, I just, just raise your hand if you have that. And then no one raised their hand. She's like, good, you passed the test. That's really good. That's a good fit. That's really good. That's pretty good.

How many suits do you own? And do you know how to tie a tie? Well, I went to Catholic school. So yes, I know how to tie a tie. Suits, I got a lot of suits. I do have a lot of suits. Give me a number. 12?

Walking closet? Well, my wife has the walk-in closet. I have a sliver of the walk-in closet. And my wife likes to close the door when she's getting ready in the walk-in closet. So I'm often just, I have my underwear and socks outside of that. So I'm waiting to get in.

And we're always running late. So I would say I probably have about eight suits, three tuxes. Whoa. That's pretty. Three tuxes. Yeah. In the walk-in closet where your wife gets ready,

is there a little seating area where you can? No. Although that would be nice to do. I mean, I appreciate that. Anything that- That's a classy answer. I appreciate that. Yeah, no, we do have two sinks in our bathroom.

That's a nice thing. But I do think that women, I think that, my wife talks about this a lot too. I think that women should have their own bathroom and they should have their own little area to get. They got so much to do. And it's like, they don't need me stinking it up. They don't need me getting in there,

turn on the shower too hot, whatever it is. So I like to give my wife as much space. We have we have multiple bathrooms in our house, not many, but we have we have three. And one's downstairs. One's downstairs. That's the one that I often will get ready. You'll post up downstairs. I go all the way down. Wait, it's in the basement. Yeah. Doesn't have a shower and stuff. It does.

Do you have clothes and stuff down there? I keep I bring my clothes down, but I also keep like a razor, some toothpaste, deodorant down there. I can do, I can do a- What? Really? I can do like a three quarters ready down there. I like that.

I'm with that. What are you talking about? He's supposed to get ready to go to the goddamn basement. That's crazy. But you know, because then it's also like, you know what? I'm down there, no one's rushing me. I do my thing. I'm not annoying my wife.

And he's got his alone time. He's clearing his head a little. He's gotta go host a goddamn awards show. He needs some time to prep. I gotta, you know, the thing I wanna do is I don't wanna piss off my wife before we walk out the door to go anywhere. And me being around in general at that point is not good.

It's not gonna be good. She's trying on things, she doesn't like things, she doesn't like her makeup. She doesn't just go. I'm mad. Right. So the more I can be away and the more I can never say, like, let's go, the better. So I'm out of sight out of mind. I'm like, I try to get out of there for that sort of man.

That's really that really just struck a quote with me. Yes, I'm the other way. And I always aggravate the shit out of my girl. Yeah, I'm like doing that, I'm waiting for your thing. No. Man. Just shut the fuck up and sit and get out your iPhone, play a game.

What I do is I get ready, I'm ready to go. I know putting on a suit is the easiest thing too. It's like boom, boom, boom, got it. So I'm like, I'll play NBA 2K with my kids until. So you gotta throw the suit on and then ride out the door. Yeah, 100% and then my wife says, Uber's gonna be here in 10 minutes. I'm like, great, boom, boom, down.

Man, that's crazy. No one cares what I look like. I mean, look, I would love to be one of those people that dresses really flamboyantly on the red carpet, but I can't because I played this character, Andre, on the league for so long. So I'm a bald man, I gotta wear baseball caps, I won't wear any other hat besides a baseball cap because.

I've seen you in a suit. You look great in a suit. Oh, thank you so much. I've got the good frame for a suit. Well, I appreciate that. I'm a 42 regular out of the box, easy to go. I'm not getting you one. I'm just telling you.

If you have any sponsors out there. But I do think that there's something about a guy in a simple suit. Can't go, yeah, you can't miss. Should go wrong. Can't miss. Just keep it simple. Just a clean black, yeah, you can't miss. Should go wrong. Can't miss. Just keep it simple. Just a clean black, blue, gray,

just something clean. Yes, do it nice. Looks good. You look at somebody like John Hamm, he always looks good. He's not wearing a crazy fucking thing. It's like just go. Down the middle. Just go down the middle and get a nice one.

And here's what I'll say, my advice, if I don't want to give advice, not an advice show, but I do believe in get your shit tailored. If it doesn't fit, my thing fits perfectly, that's the one blessing that I have, is that I can fit into a suit very easily. But if it doesn't fit or feels a little bit weird, get that shit tailored.

Because you'll feel more comfortable. And it will look good on you too. Because it needs to fall on you the right way. Good suits are made for the, can be made around the body. And then you look good on you like it because it needs to fall on you the right way good like Good suits are made for the it can be made around the body. I think that's a thing. I agree I have a friend who's very short. He got the suits me. He looks fucking great all the time But if you've with tighten it up wherever yeah, yeah, man coming through with the knowledge guys good. He's trash, but yeah 100% trust my trash knowledge helps me with my classy knowledge. There you go. You can walk in both worlds a little bit.

Right, yeah, exactly. Very put together. Gang, the book is The Joyful Recollections of Trauma by Mr. Paul Scheer. 100% garbage. Yes. Thank you. But real sharp. God, I love that.

I'm taking it out right now, man. Real good. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? Anything coming up? No, I mean, that's great. You know, we're gonna be, I tour around with my podcast and I also tour around with this improv group with has like great people in it,

like Rob Riggle and Nicole Byer. And you could just check it out on my website. Just some of the best people doing it. Yeah, yeah. Some of the best people ever doing it. We have a lot of fun. Kebby, what do you got for him? Guys, we have AYG and Friends

live at the Gramercy Theater on October 1st. And then there's a few tickets left for Parks Casino in Philadelphia. Get those tickets. We love you Paul Thank you so much. This is a home run. Appreciate you gang. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace