Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Paul Virzi Returns!

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Paul Virzi! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Ridge Wallet: https://ridge.com/garbage Promo Code: Garbage Bespoke Post: https://www.bespokepost.com Promo Code: GARBAGE This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

New Jersey in the surrounding areas we added a show August 11th. Do yourself a favor, come out and see us in Red Bank at the Volga Theater. It's gonna be a good time and you can get those tickets as are you garbage.com. Yes, also you can get a few remaining tickets for June 14th Cleveland Holarities and June 15th Columbus Funnybone. Get those tickets. Those are gonna sell out. You can also get t-shirts and zip-o-style lighters, r-u-gorbage.com sign up. We love you. Peace. Ehh.

Welcome to another exciting edition of... Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals... ...or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Ryan and age foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast. This is our you garbage. So a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out the

good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash on your hostate truly coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tuddy's in the new edition. She's down at the mall picking up a new two piece for the summer. Okay. Talking about bringing all the boys to the yard this year. Can't wait to see that. With that Shamrock shake she's got. My co-host is coming at you from right next

to me. He is the CEO of our Ugarberage. She is an international business man. And he's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for KJ. It's Kevin James Ryan everybody. Hey what what up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you're rate review subscribe and I tune this full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are Shruder out cooking and then obviously the greatest website of all time WWE WWE that patreon dot com gang check it the fuck out. It's a party over there Yeah, it's a good time. Don't forget about the second greatest website of all time Are you garbage dot com? It at your one stop shop for everything

AYG get some ticks and tease some lighters whatever you need just tease and lighters, but still it's a good time And they're not name brand zip-posed. There's it post style lighters. Okay, everybody get off my case Vietnam still makes a fine product How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extra in here the magic man makes us all look good Yeah, he likes his jean shorts tight, and he likes his hair long. Give it up for T-bone McScruffens. Toby McMollon, everybody.

What's up, dude? What up, T-bone? There we go, Uncle Polly, in the addition, dude. Talk about a guy who's perfect for yelling at a basketball game in public. Oh, yeah. This guy lets you know how he feels. I feel like we should yell on a U to get off his lawn.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and cut that hair, dirt bag. Put on a college shirt when you do my weed wackin gang along here. And lying we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's family at this point. We love it. One of our best pals in comedy has an amazing podcast.

The Versa effect has another amazing podcast. Anything better with Mr. Bill Burr And has a brand new podcast bone to pick with mr. Robert Kelly. He's on tour right now do yourself a favor He's one of the best give it up for mr. Paul Verzi every There we go, I can leave after that What a what a pervy dot com get those texts take care guys It's big fucking dude. I got to tell you something on this tour down to 20 believe That's for the kids. There you go. So I was at a wedding. They did one of the, I was at a wedding. They didn't want any, they didn't want any gifts. They refused.

Okay. It was the only kid. Of course. There was cash. You're not coming empty handed. They were like, you kid, they refused. And I said, I go, I'm not flying. Yeah.

Then you would have thrown somebody. I got it. Somebody's getting greeced. Somebody's getting cash. Because you get there. And then, oh, yeah, you know, we just people say that. And there's a lot of people. And I'm like, you know, I'm going to get a cash. without doing somebody. I got someone's getting grease. Somebody's getting cash.

Because you get there and then oh yeah, you know, we just people say that and there's a bunch of stuff sitting on the table. Yeah, you're running up to the ATM real quick. Hand it in my bank and I'm like, I'm not fucking that be Valley. This Lexus would have bow on it outside. I'm like, you said don't bring anything.

And show it up. Trying to find a TD bank out there So funny said that we were getting catch out of the ATM in the hotel and they only let you take out two bills at a time Yeah, I kept go war dude. You feel like a drug addict what you're doing that? Service charges, or somebody knows Yeah, they paying you out and I'll do it in ATM in a hotel. Oh, my God. The only thing, where's the casino?

Oh, dude. Dude. I get denied it every casino I try to take money out. Because, general, it's like, 5.30 AM. I'll 400 drinks deep, and I'll be like, what are you doing? Go to that, man. Oh, dude. It's like down by the cigarette machine on like the basement floor.

It's like the nearer. You can see you'll keep going. Yeah. Right next to the break room, you're trying to pull out money in the middle of the night. Yeah. That was a giant mountain dew sign next to it. I got to thank you guys though. And I got to thank you, your fans, your fans, do come out to see me.

I love that. So I like to do. So we do. I was out Chicago just reps me constantly so was a great comedy dude Chicago they just come out and people are just like man I know you garbage man you gotta you gotta go like every week You know my fans when they don't know shit like why don't you be like Yeah, it's like yeah, it's kind of not working. You know what's the parking is down there? That's fucking $55 a whack every time I go

and send on his guys podcast. I better be funny, get my fucking $16 worth. Get the easy passability of the bug. First easy, you only got to think of a compliment like that. I'm not $55 on these cocks on you. They want me to come to fuck these guys. I gotta say that's a sharp looking eyes on you got on there my friend. Thing is crisp. That thing has its own shore house. That thing is sharp.

I think it's a Tommy but it's a Tommy. You just dropped eyes odd like my dad I knew it was a Tommy Mid-Sip Mid-Sip dude, you can't drop eyes on mid-Sip dude. He got hit by a sniper Miss sorry, I meant the style that's what we call a culture. I do look like I just did a fucking line of blow-off That's what we call a culture. I do look like I just did a fucking line of blow up for Yacht Monaco. I've almost got sandals and jeans on right? I didn't just go up and hair playing.

You got real plus one on a Yacht bus. Plus one. So who do you know? Someone's asking why? So who are you with again? I really do look like the guys. I just go, no, they're with me. They're not on a list. They're with me. I don't know I really do look like Jordan's on a boat. Jordan's on a boat.

They're not on a list that would make. I don't know. They're good. You guys watch below that. You ever see that show? Oh, that drama. You show me the boat. What are you doing? Is that what you flew in?

Is that the... No, I didn't fly in this. You got to fly. You got to be like a nice set of Jordan sweats kind of guy. It was... Yeah, it was... We wore some sweats. You dress really game seven, I feel. a nice set of Jordan sweats kind of guy. It was, yeah, it was, we wore some sweats. You dressed for like game seven, I feel like.

You go out, you're fucking head to toe and like a nice piece. You were with the misses. Yeah, are we matching? No, we don't do that. Okay. We don't do the matching. We can't do the matching. Yeah, come on.

You know, we can't do the matching. But 14. It was great to, it was great to be, I was in North Carolina so I met her. I flew from Charlotte, she flew from New York. We met at LAX. Nice. We go up to wine country sure thing and then Rent in the car. We had a yeah, I rented it. I would just scoop up. You know what? She said why don't because we went up the coast she goes why don't we get the jacked up Wranglers a Sahara

Really? I got a four door all blacked out no Blackout wheels to black out yeah murdered out blacked out ramsom out to a drive by out there monster energy drink on the side Versus in the crypts out there Merced out wrangler So we drive up the coast of this Wrangler. That's pretty good. Nice. It was nice The only thing with those I ran it I ran it one more in Hawaii. You're real. It's real boxy Yeah, it's definitely a smaller. Yeah, it's definitely, it's got a smaller windshield. It's definitely a box, but I kind of,

it was a little bit, yeah, a little rugged, nice. You take the doors off? No, I couldn't, we could take the top off if we wanted. I can't do that. What am I doing? I'm not gonna know how to put it back. I'm just gonna start raining. I'm just gonna have it back wrong.

It's gonna be leaking and shit. Your doors are back, where that's a $30 charge. got the wrong doors on it. He's got to suit on Ties flap and like a dog's tongue in their breeze when he talked I got sand mist on my suit at the wedding because I didn't know how to Fuck and seal up the seal off Pulls up an apparent goggles That ride in I've been a parry goggles. God damn up that ride info. Oh, we had a great time.

How many hours is it from LA? It was about three and a half. That's a nice drive of the PCH, right? Pacific Coast Highway, no. We did that on the show. So here's a thing, you can go the not great route which is an hour less through the mountains which we did up.

On the way back, my wife is like you're taking a 101, the 101 down the Pacific is what you got to do. So we did that. That's nice. And the coast was really nice. And, you know, we had to class it up. So we stopped in Santa Barbara pier. How you see him?

And we got some cocktails. Sure. You know, I'm not going to go there and not get a lobster roll. Sure. You know, you think I'm not going to. So you think I'm not getting a lobster roll in a Santa fucking bar pier. You got what they banged out for? Lobster roll and Santa barber. You know what I do. 30. I'll be honest with you. You want to know what I do? You don't even look in. I hand them the fucking I hand them my amics, the metal one.

I got the metal fucking. I don't even look. As a matter of fact, when they get here, I'm just I just give it to my wife. She's not cheap, but she goes, what if they fucked up? I want to see it. She's one of those. She is, she, you know, three croaks on here. What's going on? She runs a tight ship. Stay sealed, be like, no, no, no, it's not about cheap.

They fucked up. They added something. Dude, I got, the only time I ever seen this work, I was like kind of embarrassed. It was out with a group of guys, and I was younger. They were older, and they're wine and shit is going around. I wasn't part, I got there later or whatever, but they were like, guys, let me see the receipt.

And he pulled it out, fucking flashlight on the phone and started going over, he goes, watch it. This is, when you're out drinking, this is like fuck you up with bottles of wine. You've got like three bottles of this, four bottles of that, four bottles of these. Like they know you're fucked up. They just ringing out, dude, he caught two bottles

on the thing that one wow And I was like damn wow, but you look like a real asshole if everything is correct You know what I mean? I also can't be the guy reading it. No, I can't what am I what am I gonna hold on? Tell me but all right. It's good. I can't find that I'll pay the two bottles just to save the fucking embarrassing I'm the same way that that's people that yeah That's people that didn't have money growing up that are like embarrassed by not having like you don't want to seem cheap. You don't want to seem poor. So you're like, I don't know, I'll just pay double. Well, you know, I mean, you know that the my the two things I hate more than anything in the world is a selfish motherfucker and a cheap cheap

cheap and selfish. I can't handle. I can't fuck with you. I had this happen to me. I wouldn't don't want to know how you would play this. So we went out to dinner for Mother's Day. Yeah. My brother, my brother had gotten the gift. So I was like, listen, I'll take care of dinner, fucking, you know, even Stevens, all that stuff. Get the bill, put it on the card, put the tip in, buck 50 was the tip. All right, I leave, I walk out, there was no place

to put a tip or anything like that It was just sign it. Okay, so I was like, ah, maybe you know, they don't take cash tips or whatever. I just wasn't really thinking I walk outside owner of the restaurant comes running after me. He's like hey, the tips are he included The tips are already included, you know, you don't have to whatever 100 and a 50 there and You know the whole family's there. I'm like, don't worry about it. It's for you. He's like, you kidding me really?

I'm like, yeah, come on. I'll be telling you that, right? You gotta eat that, right? Yeah, you guys sold out the weekend before. Ha ha ha ha. We boo some tickets out, we. Yeah, so you boo some tickets out. Shout out to Tampa.

Tampa, I love you, baby. They need a beach floor, don't we love you? And Rolly. Yeah, yeah, he leads me. He love you. And Raleigh. Yeah, he leaves such a He's gonna take it so we Sauny on give it to the kids And nobody bought merch that week

50 back leaving with all that That was the inside splitters wasn't a disaster I'd be taking that one 50 back. No, that's a tough one dude. You can't you can't You're sure your family in front of that imagine if you go oh in that case you can't the only thing I thought maybe is like there's nothing because it was a 50 and a hundred I thought maybe the 50 you know I thought maybe the hundred and extra 50 but now I was just like now that's that's for the girls don't worry about it thank you no no that's a that's also wait a 45 minutes for the goddamn app.

He was pissed about it. Don't get me wrong. That's a class act. Of course, what am I gonna do? Yeah, I'm glad you guys are getting money, you know what I mean? Thank you. Guys like you guys get money. Thank you.

Because there's nothing worse than guys who start getting money and they hold it even tighter. That's somebody, and then I have a friend as a financial advisor who text me weekly being like, just stop doing what you're doing, which is just spending it all like an end. We're completely irresponsible. Yeah, no, that's me.

That's what drives my wife crazy. I spend, yeah, I don't care about it. And I know that's very short-sighted. No, but you're living, you're living, dude. And you know, you guys know what it was like to fight. Sure. And then now the sun you got something you go. We were looking to buy a bar and Philly. If we're being honest, call the toodies blitz. All right. Well, that's a little nuts. I mean, you just got in this place. I mean, you're at the paint dry. What the fuck? You'll basket up on this. You just got to fucking white claw cooler. Now you want to buy a

fucking bar. Dude, it hits me. I can't Google. It's like 40% of bars go out of business in the first year. I'm cool with that going. Yes. The only reason we really want to open the bar is so we can sponsor a softball team. Truth be told, it's starting. We want to sponsor a get softball.

You know, there's a multi-layer move. You know what I learned? I learned that you got to spend on what is important to you. Like for me and Kevin knows this in the brief time that he was opening for me. I, it's airplanes. I was on a live flat here. You know what I mean?

I saw, I saw on Instagram stories kids in a 180. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, I'm going to doubt the one, but I want to, I was actually complaining about a guy who's a narrow, you know, I wanted to, that by the way. Got a elbow room that by the way by the way the shout out to the Jeppelou mint is the one. I've never done here That's the one that's like above everything you have like your own other than that I heard air ember It's like to Dubai is like yeah, it's like an apartment Yeah, there's like a masseuse like a massage

In your name I heard I want that power shut off. I got to play I got a set up time-honor am I sweet? But it's like and this gotta bring the cable box back He gets to the airport. What a fuck do I drop this? Hands into the violet Lies wrapped around it Remember trying to return them things back dude. I got one in the house right now. They was watching Looking for them. Dude Comcast used to laugh at that box. It's three green. You're like what the fuck crazy

You're watching 80 for Brady on a fucking 14 hour flight I'm pretty. No, no, but what I was gonna, what I was gonna, I gotta, I'm sorry, I gotta, will you hit the bell on the, in the, in the, in the, no, they told me to, but I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, but you, wait till they walk back, real quick, you wanna lay, so we get, we go, I haven't drank,

I haven't drank, I didn't drink for 60 days, and then I was like, I'm gonna have a couple, right? Sure. So we go to the Delta Sky Lounge. Oh, it's on a way home. This is last night. Okay, we go to Delta Sky Lounge. We're me and my wife are having a couple glasses.

The Delta Lounge at LA, you find out LAX? Yeah, very nice. Yeah, it's a good one. It's not like Denver. You go to Denver? No. Dude, it's like the bathroom in here. Dude, it's fucking, there's like two sugar cookies

and a fucking... Dude, what's up? Dude, it's Apple like Crawl protein around. Sugar cookies. Dude, there was two sugar cookies. Man, what a sugar cookie. Dude, you know your jam pop. I You don't got an oatmeal raisin or a chocolate chip. I was like how about we close this thing Fuck and then just save everybody the embarrasses. It's good. It was the only it was the only sky lounge where they go You got we got away for two to leave I swear to God. I've been to the one

I'm going away for two to leave It's an airport it's five dollars a cup of the keg stabs Yeah, you're gonna chicks way you got a bad ratio. I can't let you in the most glamorous drink was a cranberry Fucking juice and what they had a machine Dude the one in fucking look already is like I got damn bread line Fucking bad I don't even think those people are flying One guy had a bust Spoon in a top pocket

Yeah, that stinks man. They suck man. I'm not I am anti-later if it There's a handful of places that have nice lounges. And like we sound like assholes, we just travel so much, I'll do the nice lounges, but I like just going to a bar, and getting to be able to get a burger or a breakfast because the food in there isn't like, you can't like order stuff. Yeah, and that's just so you're like

fighting over yogurt and shit, which is like that's fine. That would rather just sit and have a burger in a beer. I'll go start. No, same thing. And again, like, I'm not trying to act like, like you say, we're not trying to act like divas here. It's just when you do our job and you get to the one thing

that you want is for me, it's nice travel and nice hotels. That's it. That's all I have. I'm not like one of these. It's gotta be top. I don't have a rider. I don't when they're like, what do you want the green room? I'm like, dude, water.

I'm fine. They're like, oh, you're so low maintenance. I just want the the the travel you know so we get a little have we get a little not buzz but like you're so stop a little bit. Yes so we get what a glass of red wine? Yeah a couple glasses around. Yeah then they start to hand it out complimentary margaritas that were like purple from and like okay so she was like this is delicious then I had a ginger in anyway we're sitting in Delta one. It's like the 1920s with him. We're sitting in Delta one.

It's like 11 30 at night and everybody, my wife, is everybody starting to, you know, go down. Are you flew the over? Oh, that's nice. We flew the over. Yeah, so yeah, relax. So Stacey's like, I can't do dinner. She's a V8.

I can't do dinner. I'm just out. So it's all dark in there. It's like 12 30 and the guy comes over and all I want to do is sleep and he goes All right, so we got the meatballs and the chicken Caesar and I go he got meatballs Is it no I'm telling everybody's alcohol like they were shot in the neck with a dark and I'm sitting up and I go all right

Dude I'll go three he goes here. It's three. I, all right dude, I'll do the meatballs and a Prosecco. Dude, it's fucking one o'clock in the morning. I mean when I tell you everyone look like they were murdered. I'm sitting up in the dark, Stacy is on the lay flat, fucking spoon in a pillow. I'm just sipping a Prosecco. I got a fucking meatball and a little fucking garlic bread.

And then I laid down and had the worst acid. Oh, yeah. I had a meatball sitting on my fucking ground beef laying down. I paid for that fucking room. I lay for half a year. Oh, man. I lay for half a year. Dude, I didn't even think about the hard bird. Meatballs at 130. After Margarita's red wine per second. Yeah, I told my wife I was bad. He's making a sandwich with a garlic bread. Might as well be eating fire crackers

Yeah, she goes how'd you sleep like I was tossing a Yeah, we had an Italian meal it One in the morning two more people subs for being a boy's a fried calamari made a mistake What do you want? Would you watch on the plane? No, I was out. That's it. That's it I ate I had a Perseco I ate my meatballs I laid down and I tossed and turned for four and a half hours With the horrible sleep so I can out-cassel circummage Okay, but let's talk about that Ridge wallet baby. Ridge Ridge

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like the big man said, get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com. And other code garbage to check out, that's boxofawesome.com. Code garbage for 20% off your first box boxofawesome.com. Code garbage, do it. Man, we were flying, where were we just flying to might have been to Tampa

We're flying to Tampa member. I don't want it. I'm not to make fun of but it was a larger gentleman Remember the guy next to us. Oh man, dude. We are sitting in a sport bath sitting in the front row So the it's the trade doesn't come down it comes up out of the side, you know what I mean? It's a big gentleman. Yeah, you know, and I'm you know I'm those spring chicken myself. Newer is my cohort here. So we're not chitin' on them. But dude, they're like, what are you going to, they come up to like, do you want, first of all, it's a 90 minute flight.

They had a chick, they had a, they had a, a grilled chicken salad. Grilled chicken, there was, a grilled chicken salad, some sort of veggie type thing. No, they had a, they had a, an impossible burrito. Impossible burrito. Yeah. But you got, I want to, I tried the elbow you. And a burger. And he goes, I, like a pub burrito. I'm like a burrito. I, but you got I tried to elbow you and a burger and he goes like a pub burrito I'm like a burrito and a burger. No, no, so I'm going and my

Here's all options. Oh, I'm talking to the fact guy next to me So I'm like first of all like you shouldn't even be eating you know I mean real in a little bit because then they came and brought him the tray He got the last burger. I was furious. Oh, I'm that jammed out with a fucking impossible burrito. It's all right No, he comes over dude and the fucking the trade on come out over his stomach. So he's got He's resting the tray And he's fucking elbowing me. I'm like god damn. I can't make I didn't eat for the rest of the day It was bad. Did it? It shook him to the cord

Man, yeah, cuz he's got the extender to right. Oh, yeah, so he's got the extender too, right? Oh yeah. So he's got the extender and then- No, the thing doesn't come out too easy. He's eating a burger just like holding the tray. It was- I was like, dude, this is- This is-

They got a feeling like it's right. They're holding a tray under his neck. I felt bad, like he was getting his communion. I did it. I felt terrible. I felt terrible. It was a bad look. The Ghost of Lunch's Future.

Yeah. Yeah. I was literally about to be like you know I'll have that I'm fine Literally I was gonna tell you turn your light off Buddy, it's 90 minutes, dude, you'll be fine Somehow check him up behind him can Can you eat that in the bathroom? Fucking poor bastard Man tough tough look man. He was that other than me, right? I always ask him a first question come on

He was bigger than me. Do you see that guy? I was in the bag He was in the fight. I Think you were built different I dude come on Come on. His leg was bigger than that. He did. That is the funniest fucking response to it. It's different. A bone structure. I should be running for Congress. You're like athlete fat. You're like lineman fat. I couldn't tell. He had sunglasses on.

I was really stupid. He's stupid. Couldn't tell the headphones were blocking my view. I'm getting good at looking at the guy. Man, dude, I feel bad for the headphones were blocking my view getting get a good look at the guy Man, dude, I feel bad for the person sitting next to that it was his wife. Oh, who also yeah, she was neat She was a fucking Smash burger Jesus, they should have put them on either side of the plane Balance it out

We first of all the row was her in me and listen sleeper and we're gonna get some rough air. We need you to We're planned to back was up we were We're doing an end though all the way to fucking I have a nose wheel We had about 15 a paper airplane do that We had about 1500 pounds up there. I mean, yeah, I'm 230, 235, you're whatever you're telling people, that would be. You know, you get fat when you just started lying.

Like do something. Do something. I'm like two in whatever you guys think I am. They do. I see in a picture, I'm a minister, we're talking about down 20 pounds. I didn't get the burger. You're the bra.

I had to wrap it. Yeah, I have to fucking die. Dude, I got the impossible burrito. He sat there so mad at me. Dude, just wanting to eat and eat. I could just feel him fucking fucking fucking fucking. I couldn't. I couldn't.

He got it. He got it. I couldn't do it. I think if they would've came to me first, he might've done the fact I'd general think of it. Sorry, this is your time. You have it. I wasn't gonna do that.

I couldn't. I couldn't. I went to my physical and I was doing good. I was just running and everything. You're lucky. And she goes like this, they go, they go. This is like last year. I gained a little bit since, but she goes,

oh, it's 186 and I can't be right. I heard the doctor laugh. Now you're lying to me. I couldn't, I was psyched. I heard 186, I got happy. And I go, no, I think they didn't move it another notch. They go at the over the notch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was, it was right. And then I gained a bat. But yeah, 180, I've been 186 and third grade. Yeah, I was at high school, dude. Really? Dude, it scared me though. And they go, hey, have you want to step on the scale? I'm like dude It wasn't how much different from last year just fucking ballpark Just add just I like run a boardwalking just my weight

At five every year playing winter rules here. What do you do? Come on? Can you just look at me and assess That's all right, but you had a good time out there. We had a good time We had a good time. We had a good time. It was nice being with my wife and like, not do comedy. Sure.

Comedy was done. It was a life, baby. Comedy was done. I was, you know, saw some friends up there and, you know, central California, wine country. First time to wine country? Or you'd been the lord.

First time to wine country. Like a resort where it's like, it was great, man. Are you pulling an outfit out of the closet for that? Or did you get something new for it? I did play this. I had a new suit. I had a new suit. So that's Stacy brought, but I did one trash move where I had to run out to T.J.

Max because I didn't have a white button down. Body, you have my time. I didn't have a white button down. So we ran out to T.J. Max. That's all right. You know, dude, that's the dirt bag move. I've done it every event I've ever gone to.

I've had a match of the Marshalls. I've saved more marriages. Yeah, but listen, if you need a nice crispy white, you gotta just find it. Sure. TJ Maxx, and you're like, all right, I'll spend whatever it is, $14.99. Grab an arrow real quick.

And you get it, right? And you want to know if somebody's a real piece of shit. Look at that white collar at weddings Oh, yeah, blood stains Yeah, guys guy my hair I have a hair and it's like dude. I got a couple man Thank you You escaped the fire

The dog On you ran into save that baby and he kept the fucking you kept the white on I was in the dressing room. Oh please, but up. No, no, no, no, I'm not gross Foley got out before the ceiling collapse, but then he had to make the cocktail hour man, I don't want to miss this you two love birds. Last a lot of good guys in there. I'll tell you that right now. I just got to sit all over his fucking face.

It was like a cartoon explosion. He's smoldering doing the fucking macarena. Oh shit. Trying to play a cool one at chocolate family. Man, so many of you. He's got fucking shit all over the garage dress Fuck I did that for my brothers My brother my brother's wedding that the what's the night before the

person that we heard the dress right yeah the rehearsal dinner. Yeah, I ran to a fucking oh man I remember being so poor I'm fucking jammed up. I had a jacket. I was doing like a nice pair of gray cacket and not even that I was I thought they were not doing a pair of gray khakis And then like a blue blazer and I was gonna grab like a white you know, I like whatever a white Oxford or whatever And I ran down to a polo store. That was the only thing available I'm like brought them all not it used to be right there fucking had to spend my last 88 bucks by in this button up And I didn't realize it was fucking shorts-leaved

It was way too late and I don't have enough money to go buy another one Dude I just keep my jacket on the whole day. Oh my god. Oh man sweat That sucks. I leaned into somebody like I want to see some fucking it stupid to like what I just pull my one sleeve off But as a bigger guy if you're not taking your jacket off, that's way more comfortable to have the short sleeve. Yeah, you just can't, you look like fucking Dilbert at the wedding. You look like you're in a cowman. Yeah, you can't, you can't rock the shorts. That's a bad one. Check out the first. All right, where's the perp at? You're breaking.

Oh my god. You're drinking coffee at a wedding? Oh, we were asking the guys that you mix it up at the wedding. Will you get up there on a dance floor? No. Nothing. Now, like if my wife wants to do a slow dance, if she wants to do a slow one, I'll go out there,

but I'm not doing fucking it. Okay. You're sitting over there with the rest of the uncles and stuff like that You know let me we're talk. Yeah, like I like to you know what I do I talk to the older gentleman like I was talking to like the older uncles and like the guys in their 70s Just you know with them like I like doing that stuff But if my wife is like hey, they're playing a nice song all the couples go out. I got a you know I'll do that. You know I'm not a chicken dancer

The fucking lip human limbo where they fucking put their own what he nuts You know, I'll do that. You're not a chicken dancer. I'm not lying down, Center. You know how that means. You're not doing the word. The fucking human limbo where they fucking put their already nuts. I'm not doing that. Could you do the worm back in the day though? Did you have any moves when you were younger? Just a runnin' man. You know, the runnin' man was my shit.

The runnin' man was. I just picked your version of a high top fade. He used to pay the rent with that day Yeah, the right the running man was you know, it was a nice easy simple. Yeah, you know stand-up Many moving parts. Yeah, that's yeah, you just kicked the arms in the feet out. It's all good. Just the running man That's fucking great. Yeah Okay, would you smoke it? Do you smoke a stick at the wedding? We multiple. Yeah, that's the thing you go you have a couple of

guys ever you pop out that's when that's my favorite time in any event is when you're like the pop out the Formals the formalness is done everybody got the pictures the Boba the Boba that's all fucking undo to collar a little bit Post up on a nice porch or fucking patio get a couple of stingers heaters going Fuckin patio get a couple of stingers. Heater's going Cassidy had that as wedding it was real nice. He had the porch with the cigars. It was yeah So but I pulled a nice move where the one of the wives I think a Barton X wife goes all the all the boys are over there smoking a cigar and I go and there's like this crazy Like cement gazebo and everyone's just it's dark. Everyone's you smoking and I was doing it for a little I'm like I'm not gonna leave my fucking one. So what I did I don't want to leave my wife

You know because she's like there alone sure sure I did like five minutes put it down went over you okay sat with her talked to her You know it worked out. She appreciate it. There you go guys are gentlemen. You got you know, he's a Sac Lee general I just need the wife which strangers and cowboys. I know it's he got to be aware that I should go to older and you know It's especially when they don't have yet. I got nobody. He got no anchor. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, there was a couple of whack jobs there too. You're there?

That was a fucking old. Earl with purple hair, you know what I'm saying? No, that was an old lady. It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was,

it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was,'m married. She said, you know, she said she goes, I had four husbands. They all died. And then somebody else's wife go, that's suspicious. But I put on your hands, lady. One of the guys was famous. I'll tell you like one of the,

but she was old. Yeah. But she was one of those that was like, you know, those people that they're so I don't know if crazy, but they'll just go, are you Kevin Ryan? Yeah, can you go get me a lobster? You're just like, what the fuck? Like, it's almost so crazy that you can't say no because it's kind of like, I just wanna throw her a lobster,

like never see her again. Sure. You know what I mean? I was just talking to somebody about this. Was it with you? I forget who it was of like, I've gotten real kind, no, wasn't you. I forget who was of like I've gotten real kind No, it wasn't you I got real kind of not

Roode but like oh we were golfing and someone came up and was like what a hub like you're in the parking lot And I was just like dude. I don't I just walked away and let my body talk to him Wait, what did he want this guy just came up was like oh how often you hit them random guy? Oh just a random random dude Talked to me in a parking lot and I'm, if it was a friend of my friend or something, I go, hey, man, I'm for sure gonna be polite and cordial and maybe connect with you.

But I'm like, buddy, you're just a lonely guy in a parking lot in Jersey. I mean, I'm leaving. I'm not getting lonely. Get lonely in your old age, huh? Well, what are we doing here? Time's of the essence, buddy. Yeah, yeah, I entertain it until I entertain it for like a little.

Sure. But then when it's just like, this is not, you know, this guy's a little bit the worst then when it's just like this is not you know this guy's a little bit The worst is when when that happens and then it Doesn't really argument, but when you disagree on something they come over and they start talking to you like Oh, you know they build this and that and the other thing and then you're like yeah Yeah, yeah, like no, no, that's not what I'm just it's like they they disagree with you. Yeah It's like yeah, it's like you're lucky. I'm even engaging

All of a sudden it's a debate. Yeah, no, I know exactly what you mean You know what I mean? Yes, it's it's the worst one day it's six million lights to me and fuck a shot a terrible game Get away from me I know I know man. I had to do come out here drinking somewhere and he asked for my lighter Esfer's sig and then my later. I'm like yeah sure and then he's holding this He's holding my lighter hasn't with the sig and he's like yeah, I'm just having a real rough year I'm like buddy this you ain't you got the wrong guy to talk to call your brother or something It ain't me. Wait, you're still smoking six now. Yeah. Yeah, what are you doing? I don't Smoke in heaters. What are you?

It's just turned into my dad room. What the fuck? No, I mean, I know I'm trying to get off of him It's tough pull. I know I know it's tough. You're married though. You got a nice thing going on with them I'm trying I'm fat. I'm bold. Nice smoke six. Welcome to the show. Oh, I try to talk to him I'm trying to turn around. Yeah, it's a nice smoke smorgas. I get the impossible burrito I get the impossible Hey, I'm at this fat piece of shit, huh? What are you smoking? What are you smoking, Marby? Marble lights.

Okay, that's a nice one. It's a nice Bernie. You know what I... It's the gentlemen's sick. Well, you ever have a heater at like the wedding if you got a couple in you? No, out... No. Never.

Sigarette? Yeah. No, no. It'll be a cigar. Okay. Yeah, back in a day, I did Marby lights. They also did the parliaments But then when I was like, you know couldn't walk up flight of stairs 25 years old I was like, I just hopped up a long lamp and I But no, you're a good kid. I want you to I want anything to happen to you. No, I'm trying

That's it. I'm awful after this show. I'm done Going away just we come five after we get back. I'm done. You want to do that? Indy 500 what quit see I'll do that with you. What you smoke six to yeah, he smokes on like a chimney What are you fucking nuts? Yes. Yes. Yes. It's bad news. What do you do? What do you go pack a day? No, okay. You're not not a pitnorum on. I'm not working in NASA.

What do you mean a pack a day? You're not not smoking a pack a day. See, but that's the thing. If I'm smoking, it's close to, if when I was smoking, it was a close to a pack, close. Maybe like a two days. I'm in a two days. If we're out, if we're on the road, you're at a pack a day.

No, definitely not. I'm not, I know it. I'm never smoked a pack a day. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I know it. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not If we're out, if we're on the road, you're at a pack of day. No, definitely not. I'm not, I know it. I'm never. Welcome back to home. I'm telling you, I never smoked a pack of day in my life. Toby, can I get away in on this? Maybe he might be, you might be at 17, but you're not not a pack of day. He's 18, going, I told you.

He's showing you the two. I only smoked him. I told you. To it a more wet. I mean, also, I'm to say, dude, if to say dude if we're traveling that day we're stopping every hour in a car your cranking heaters I'm cranking heaters we're boozing we're cranking heaters. I'll do that with you. We're a heater crew.

What? Get back from Indie quid smoking. Go cold turkey. All right. Listen I just I love you both. I don't want anything to happen. Sure. But listen I know what a nice you know.

Come on six beers and then lighten a seat. Dude I have to stay dinner. I'm't want anything to happen. But listen, I know what a nice, you know, city. Come on. Six beers and a lightness. See? Dude, I have to stay. I'm a steak dinner. Switch over to cigars. Yeah, you can. Yeah, we smoking a pack of day. We're smoking 20 cigars.

This guy's going to need a pack of Cubans for a fucking ride to Raleigh. 15 miteros. I like the Raleigh. Uh, smoking 20 black and miles. Which are the trashiest things, man. As a guy who used to smoke them from time to time. Yes.

I thought you, dude, I thought I was, I thought I was, I thought I was the bugs away. I thought I was the del Castro smoking them when I was like 17. I'm like, wow, I thought I was real wise. That's so funny. Today's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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That's better help, help.com slash garbage. Betterhelp.com slash garbage. And I'll back to that gosh darn show. Back to the show. All right, let's do some cues here. Let's do some cues guys. You know, when you sign up for the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air.

We get a lot of submissions at the end of the email. Patreon gets first crack out of, cause they're dummies, you know what I mean? This one's a home run, this one's from Victor, $10 homie from Marilyn, shout out to you. Ever seen one of your parents drink an energy drink? That's a two-to-two, your dad drink. No, I don't, I don't, you shouldn't.

I don't even think they know what it is. Like I don't even think they know. That's tough, man. Dude, if I saw my dad. I'd lose all respect for my mom if she started drinking a white monster. I feel like listen to it. Get back on a call. I mean dude, my dad thinks you're low class if you have a beer.

Seriously. I mean my dad is fucking. My dad's wearing a fucking fur coat in August. You know, so- Just to show you he's got her. Yeah, yeah. My dad is jewelry. Go to get the man.

My dad's not, my dad would never, dude, seeing my dad with a monster drink in his hand would be, there's a better chance of a UFO coming down to my house today. Sure. Yeah, no, never seen that. That's a rough one. That's a bad look, man. But I guess you gotta hate those things.

You gotta, I think it depends on age, because you know, you drink them. Sure. So like if you had kids, our parents, our generations, like if you're at least 20 now, your parents should have been drinking energy drinks. Sure, but there's a lot of parents drinking energy drinks. Yeah, I'm trying to get through today.

Yeah, I don't know if that's, dude, that's like soda, tomato, drink, and soda at breakfast. People have those in the morning instead of coffee. Crack a monster. Yeah, and it's really bad for you with the sugar and all that shit, it's so fucking horrible. They hit different sometimes, though, they're all right. I do like a sugar-free red bull sometimes

in a gravy, do they fucking, they do me? Sugar-free red bulls like the one thing, you know, I said no rider, the only thing I say is I want one of these and a sugar-free red bull. Sure. Especially a good one for you to go out on stage. If it, you know, it's later in the evening, the call, you're not really saying

I'll knock up a coffee, half a sugar-free red bull. Who's bringing a hunk up a coffee on stage? Ha ha ha ha. Here over there, boy. Where are you from? Ha ha ha ha ha. Half a sugar free red was bringing a hot couple coffee on stage Fucking Sanford in Sanford, what's his name fucking? Who's bringing a hot coffee excuse me can I get a splend up here? There's no creamers on the stool. Put another fresh pot on. I'm just T-Caf. That's all right.

Yeah, you're a psychopath to drink a hot beverage on stage. No, me and T-bone like a sugar-free red bowl. Dude, if I saw a guy dipping a tea bag on stage, yeah, listen, just make sure there's honey on the fucking stool. I think the taco bell is. No, never. No. Well, never. Uh, no.

Well, my mom will do is she'll do a, like a Coke if she has a headache. That's like the cure all. That's like the show, that's a sugar thing, I think. In the morning? No. No. Yeah, that's fine.

I mean, it's trash, but I don't mind to bake and I can cheese with a Diet Coke. Not at all. A Diet Coke for me goes with anything. Yeah. That's what I like to call. Diet Coke is, dude, we go to a diner on a road. I get a fucking water a large coffee black and a Diet Coke I get three drinks dropped right away and then I negotiate what as the meal happens

I love that and I think a Diet Coke is just a universe. Yeah Diet Coke has got no there's no hate for Diet Coke now It is what it is. It's good. It's good with anything Breakfast a cigar they could straighten the end of you once in a, too. Yeah, your hungry diet code get this got a headache I mean it does cause Feel it. I do I feel it eat my my my mother's cancer doctor said don't drink diet. I know Yeah, ask for a Permanent whatever is pertain. They make it with hazmat suits on I'm not joking. Yeah Got two beakers and smoldering

Everything does oh Keep telling yourself yeah, yeah, everything does you had a pack of things that fucking nine red bull to die cogs They're a pain in the ass about everything Oh God. God. All right, this one's from Lieutenant Lollipop. Ever got an athlete's foot someplace other than your feet. I had bad jackets for years. What?

Where? I had it when I was a kid. What do you mean there? That's an athlete's foot. It might be the same thing, though. I think it is. I had jackets when I was like from like 10 to 14. What?

Constantly. What a shower, really? Yeah, what did you do? I believe you sprayed it me sprayed to connect it on there Patty when I was a little kid patty that's on your feet and I heard whatever it is Gloterman or whatever it's called you the 40 dick over here I wonder why you want to get in the wrong medicine and wrong parts of his body smell like a goddamn engine block No girls going down there. I don't rob a desert down there. It's a wrong fucking mess Whatever it is jacket spray, okay, what's it called Toby?

All right there you're googling it. All right. I'm googling the disease. Not the cure. Okay. Oh, they are the same thing. Okay. Yes It's the same it's the same Tanea Tanea I tell you what does sounds like a stripper Shout out to Tania this is gonna sound like a real man thing But these days and it happens every once in a while I'll get like a little tiny mild case of athletes foot And my am I pinky toe on my right foot? I don't mind it. It's real good scratching Dude I'm telling you to take your sock off and start rubbing that on the carpet. It is. It's it's it's all right, man. I'm telling a little bit athletes. I haven't had it a while. I had it as a kid. I

remember being like, what the fuck? I thought my foot was falling on. Yeah, that's it. I don't know what to even say to that. What? We're never have athletes put in. No, like I've had athletes put when I was younger. Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, it would go away, you'd spray it on. That's when it, like, it's like flaky, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but not having had it. But what do you mean you like to scratch? Yeah, like, I like the little itch of it. He's a, he's a twisted guy. Yeah. You know what for me? He's gonna be the last time Mr. Versa doesn't he?

He's like, you know what I could go for? I could go for a little poison ivy every once in a while. So I'll take the edge off. I got off this weekend. I like a little shoulder poison ivy. Just a nice little scratch. What do you got in the sumac? Huh?

Straighten me out. Do you have, is your, does your out of the shower routine involve anything other than the odorant, using the talcum powder or anything like that? No, no, nothing. I used to there used to be a sponsor of the version you've got called chassis and it was for your down there. It was anti-chafing cream. It was just like, yeah, there was like also like even like cologne for your balls. Sure, sure. But then I was just like, I just stopped putting like chemicals. Yeah, no, but I just go that power got real bad, right that talc on power It came out that that's like yeah, people used to put people used to put Johnson and Johnson baby pattern on there and it was like it's like horrible for you

Dude, I was doing it as a I was doing it as like a fat Oh dude it turned into a cake down Yeah, I'm just dump your nuts in a fucking course pile it was some cornstarch I thought it was I thought it was a talcum powder not baby powder Well, baby powder is no good. No, like they said that like some John's in a johnson bit baby powder like the chemicals and stuff It's not good. They might have changed it or something But yeah, I think I use that all the time when I was a kid. I think they have put it under my arms like a fucking one Is somebody has a prostitute somebody's got something that's like now you can do that

but it's safer like without chemicals or something like that okay yeah just Google like you know what do you do you you have a big routine when you get out I don't have a big routine but I you know there's a little sprain going on a little this little that yeah yeah well so crazy I just curious I don't know what you did if you did a little clone a little bit of this maybe an under eye cream I'm not sure you know did if you did a little clone, a little bit of this. Maybe an under eye cream, I'm not sure. You know what, sometimes, sometimes a little lotion on the face and head, you know,

because I do lotion every day. I'm a dry Irish guy, I dry out. A little lotion on the face sometimes, but yeah, it's usually just, but I like a good dry. A good dry. You're like being dry. Dry.

Before you put the clothes. But I mean, like, you can't, here's the thing. You can't put on your box of briefs or your socks, even damp. You can't. You know what I do or your socks even damp, you can't. You know what I do. You gotta go dry. I don't mind, I gotta do it.

And you gotta go two towels. Two towels, okay. I mean, you go one. The first one takes, yeah, you need a second, because the first one is just wet and it's not getting the final 10%. Are you doing a once over in the shower when you turn the water off?

So what I do is I got him hanging right next to the thing. Turn the water off, one comes out, dry the head and neck and shoulders thoroughly. Inside the shell. Yeah, then I step out and I do the one over. Okay. And that's like then you're good like 80%. Then you take the second towel.

That's why hotel towels are great because they're the dryer. They're a little bit rough too. Yeah, my wife used to get like these like nice towels, but it would just glide over my. You gotta have a little grit to them. Yeah, they gotta have grit to them. Gotta have a little grit.

Yeah, my wife would have like pink flakes all over my f***. Dread all over you. Yeah, no, but the second one is what the real dry. And a good dry, there's no smell. There's no, you don't smell. Hmm. So drying is everything. Will you do the second dry also in the bathroom?

I gotta leave the bathroom, because it's too hot. The fresh air hitches. I gotta get in front of the window unit. I'll walk around the master bedroom with the bathroom. I gotta leave the bathroom because it's too hot. The fresh air hits you. I gotta get in front of the window unit. I'll walk around the master bedroom with the second. Yes, you gotta do that. That's all right. And that's a pro level drying, Mr. Virgin. I was gonna say, you're probably gonna judge me

and this even wasn't, be in this big. Yeah. I've been doing this almost my whole life. I don't do it all the time, but I'll get the hairdryer. I'll do I'll do all that I'll dry off I'll go out Hair dryer in the nuts hair dryer down there fresh and ever keep get it get it That's gonna fuck your boys up dude. It can't beat out warm. No, I just got to go far away. Yeah, just to get that all You can't you can't you know you ever do this one you ever fucking clip your tone it listen to this

Can't ever hurt it in you ever clip you you fucking clip your tone it listen this Can't ever heard of this you ever clip you ever clip your top listen I mean did you want to fucking change? I love it when Paul till see the public yeah Yeah, I know I Everybody I literally looked around everybody. Don't out. I'm totally something. You ever clip your tone No, you ever clip your tone and then put on fresh socks from the pack. Oh, yeah, I'm talking I'm talking I'm not talking, yeah. I'm talking, I'm talking, I'm not talking, I'm not talking, I'm talking, you get the fresh pack of socks, rip them open,

take one, I'm talking fresh, like bread out of the oven, right? With the toenails just clipped, and you put, it's, it's, it's, it's changes your day. It'll change your day. You will get, it's, do you pushy and not the cheap socks, because I got the hands from CVS once. It was a disaster. Oh, forget it.

Those come with holes in them. They're like pantyhose. Yeah, they are those things. Brutal. I think I have dress socks on right now actually. It's all I had left. Listen, I don't mind a pair of dress socks. We're a pair of sneakers every once in a while.

I know, but the sweat, it's all right. It's all cold up. No, a pair of, if it's nice, it's not walking in flippers over here. It's nice when they're not as, they're easier to put the shoes on. Yeah. They're nice to put the shoes. Yeah, it feels nice.

Yeah, but dude, clip your toenails nice and like, not over short, but like really nice. Okay. And then throw right out of the pack socks on. And then, and then the real kicker, and it's happened to me a lot because I'm nuts with it, is if you can get a brand new pair of kicks with the socks.

So now you've got the toenails clipped, a fresh pair of socks, and then you slide into a brand new pair of socks. Take over the world. I mean, dude, you're just, you're floating. Versa 2020-24, baby. It's like a Lexus ES350 on your, I'm both feet. I got the Lexus.

Get the air freshener now, there. Ah. What kind of air freshener are you banging with in the Lexus right now? What do you got? No, no freshener. No, no, no. I didn't use it. I spent a couple thousand for the detail.

Oh, the detail. Yes. And they redo the air. So they redo the air. So the car comes back brand new every time. You get 70 year, a couple of cars, a couple of grand. But I take it to the wash every two weeks and they inside and out. So every two weeks, every two weeks, I only got 7300 miles in this puppy.

That's all you got. Oh, you got the new car. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole deal you guys got to take a, I got to go for a spin. What are you doing? I got it downstairs. I'll take you guys for a couple laps before we get to do the next one.

Go ahead, change your radio. You do that. Oh, he's downstairs Get the cameras roll get ready. I'm gonna go for a spin. Well, how many standing appointments would you say you have in your life? You're doing a car every two weeks. I imagine you got the haircut lined up. Beard you do they do that No, I do like all the stuff with my my Shaving and you up and all grooming my butt is me. Okay, that's me. Car, car is like, we got a couple of new car washes, so I like to see what's, I like to see which one is. The poke around, yeah.

But yeah, but I really want my car to be tip top shape. You're like getting out, you're like being in it when you go through. No, do you do the both? Okay. So you go in it first, and then they come out, you get out, and then they open all four doors, and a team of them just go to work Yeah, that's all right. It's fucking I did I get the fun experience to go and through it and then you get the inside done

Yeah, not bad and I love watching the glossy tire Oh, you know the thing when they do that around the tire I do I say this all the time one of my favorite jobs I ever had as I worked at a car wash once summer and it was just man. Because it's like one of those things where you see the work and you feel like you're a cop, you're a cop, you're visually accomplished in somebody. Somebody pulls up in a nice new car. It's a little bit dirty. It goes through. You do the wheels. You vacuum it out. Satisfying, isn't it? Oh, it's nice. It's satisfying. Car washes a good one. They're very clean. Yes, everything's very clean. Not the one I go to You get that you get that armor all in your sneakers. You're fucking slipping around like you're on goddamn ice games

Dude, I'm telling you if you get caught in the pathway when it comes out of the thing Like you go back inside to grab some pretzel Like you're all we'll snap your neck Dude, it's crazy. How's your how are you guys, what's your teeth situation? You guys go with the teeth? Bad. Yellow smoking. I just spent, I just spent like 10 grand.

I got, I'm getting a couple. Getting, been years? No, no, no, I got, I had an infection and this one I had to get pulled out and, and then years ago I lost this one. So now I'm getting, Get them put in, yeah, put in. That's good.

I'm missing a couple. Getting two put in, I had a bridge done them put in. Yeah, that's good. I'm missing a couple getting to put in. I had a bridge done and you got to get a good dentist, man. Sure. Yeah. I do. The smoking, the coffee, all that stuff. It jams them up a little bit, but I'm real. I floss twice a day.

You can go and do everything you're not support. I do textbook. What not to do, but I floss twice a day. I brush. I brush all the time. You know what they say is horrible for it? What? Diet Coke.

Sure. Diet soda. I don't know. I just said to him, I know. Adentist told me once he goes, you want to not give us money anymore? He goes floss. If you floss, dude, I do.

Dude, if you only think I do good in my life, if you floss, the gum's the gum's are strong around the, but dude, I had a dentist fucking. Dude, I had a dentist talking to me. They can be comfy about it though. No, fucking poke he fucking poke me in the eye with the fucking she was like scraping around talking to the girl that helps them I fucking hit my head go I'm like yeah dude I'm giving you 10 grand here can you fucking tighten it up he is the fuck my lip and shit like yeah it was but 10

grand to have a nice full set of chompers and then I'm going in vis-a-line dude okay I'm gonna be up in here I'm going in vis-ompers. And then I'm going in Visaline, dude. I can't stop in here. I'm going in Visaline and then I'm going whitening. I got a white knob, dude. I'm bad. My wife was like, you got a white knob. I've been using the purple stuff. The six in the call phase wife said that.

Yeah, my wife said, you got a white knob. You got to do a couple of months. If your wife says that, it's bad. Yeah. I've been using the purple stuff that's on Instagram. You got a white knob. You got to take that up a couple notches. Hey, big bean fight. You know it. The purple stuff works good. Instagram You gotta take that up a couple notches

The purple stuff works good does it really that's not bullshit now it works pretty good So the purple and you could buy where could I get that I could get that at like any any I use I Gotta get it online. I use high smile. I think it's the name, okay I just did a bunch of research on this stuff. It's a total scam. It doesn't do shit. It's hard to do. Yeah, they said that. And I didn't want to part burst your bubble. I heard the same thing. The purple stuff doesn't work or the charcoal don't work.

No, I'm telling you, the purple stuff works right when you do it. It gets in your head, man. I don't know. I don't think it's a, it's just a contrast. It's a natural contrast thing. It's yellow and purple make clear. You tell me Kim Kardashian's line. yellow and purple make clear. Yeah, I

Swear's got it works Nothing on that Toby I Don't know and maybe you have the one that works. I don't know. I just heard that they are all like really They're like as seen on TV. It looks I don't know I damn it I do use the old arm and hammer fucking whitening with peroxide or whatever the fuck that thing I mean if you really want to get a white use peroxide you can't go back to regular fucking crest afterwards No, no, it's like a high level fucking high level clean if you want to do a right Still yellow when he's bad boys up if you want to do a right you do peroxide, but then your teeth hurt like hell

I'm sorry. I use the sense it on you're just doing yellow after that I'm sorry, I use the scented on it. You're just doing yellow after that. Oh, dude. I'm gonna do a study on you with fucking universe. I need a cross-box too. Somebody get proctor and gamble on a phone. We gotta glean me up.

This says that he's putting primer on his team. This says that it's just a rebranded Chinese version that ally Express has been selling for like eight and a half years. It's not a bitch. Fucking, Tommy Basterd's got you. I'm telling you, I look in the mirror. a half years. It's not a bitch. Fucking comedy bastard got you. I'm telling you, I look in the mirror. It's white. It's all marketing.

Yeah, because it was just purple. So you're gonna look in a purple no more. It's white. They saw you coming a mile away. Yeah. You know what they did Kim Kardashian. They threw Kim Kardashian a few million to say it works. Sure.

And you believe it. Believe that. What do you want from me? It's got a nice set of candy. Look in brood. Sure. And you believe that. Belize. I already want. She got a nice set of King looking brood. She could say cigarettes are good. You'd be like, look, she knows what she's talking to. She ain't gonna lie to me. All right, let's see here. Let's do two three more. Let's see. Yeah, one second fucked up. All right, this is from Nick

brand new $10 homie. Never have one red. I fucked up. All right, this is from Nick, brand new $10, homie never had one red. Is a garbage to have to Venmo your lawyer. You're losing that case, pal. I hate to break it to you. You're serving some time in a clink. Dude, if he's taking cash apps, that's pay. If this fuckers taking cash apps,

send me half on PayPal, half on Venmo. He's like, listen, pal, I'm trying to get you off a double murder. I mean, put down what it's for, Eater. I don't want to just put down pizza. Yeah, just put the pizza emoji. Put down lunch or something. I don't make it look like they're paying me back.

I don't want to have to claim that. I'm curious how Paul Verzy feels about the public Venmo transaction. Are you a Venmo guy? I can't, I like. I love Venmo, but I don't like the public. So like, but- Always pride. Well, you make it pride.

You know, you can click and make it private. I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, wait, I didn't know that. At the bottom, I didn't know that. No, I didn't know that. Yeah, just because I didn't want people seeing. So I actually did do that.

Dude, I got people I haven't talked to in 15 years and I'm looking at the transactions. So and so sent, so and so for money for game night or whatever, put your shit on fucking private. Yeah, it's crazy. I do, I've seen couples doing it. And it's like, you got to figure that out offline. The worst is an analog problem.

The worst is when it's like pizza night. You're like, what the fuck? Well, you ain't got the 18 bucks. Don't even put a couple of slices on the arm for the lady. Well, you, Jesus Christ. That's nuts to me. Yeah, no, I don't mind the cash apps for things, especially because nobody cares cash on it.

It is convenient. So, but I like the privacy. And then the other thing I do is like, if somebody's got to go fund me, she's like, hey man, this kid fell on hard times, he said, it's kid sick, he said, you don't put the name. You don't put your name. How, fuck that, I put it out.

I'm like, what do you mean? I'm laughing at my name. Are you? Yeah. And I'll look to see you. That's the real class you don't call me. I'll look to see who gave the most. You're going anonymous.

Yeah, you gotta go anonymous. That's real class. Somebody knowing that you fucking, I put myself a security number. What are you guys like? Those fucking people that gave pizzas during the pandemic to an emergency room and took a picture with nurses and eight pies.

Fuck you. Fuck you. You fucking you would tension one. Hey, you road trip. What I came for. Listen, I know your patrons doing good. Let's fucking carry the fuck away here, dude. You fucking Jesus.

Oh, man. All right. And I think about it too. I should go. do go all doing on I just did it a week ago What you did anonymous so you kept the name I put my name, but you put it you put a lot right I put a lot Yeah, I'm not doing it for 12 bucks. I'm showing out when you go anonymous Yeah, you go hiding if it's under 250 show somebody believe this He shows somebody believe this piece of shit Let's it Not even something to fit there go it's if it's under to fit that you go running hide

Well, I feel like look at me motherfucker. It was for it was for a comic thing like a and I look to see who else had given Yeah, where I fell okay, and you know, yeah, I had a flex a little bit. You know what I yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, also for a good cause little bit, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That's also for a good cause. That is true. If you go like a thou, you're like, I'm gonna be out of show. There's a line. So it's like over 250, you show.

But then if you get to like five grand, not that I have, but you're giving away five grand, then it's anonymous again. It's classed to go anonymous. Yes. You can't be like, here's a hunter grand from Kevin Ryan, you look at good. But also sometimes with the comic ones, you run't be like here's a hunter-grang from Kevin Ryan Oh, but also sometimes with the comic ones you run into an impossible

So what you're saying is you catch like shouts at your somebody like that dropping two G's you're like I'm putting 50 bucks and putting it on a non-adness. Yeah, there you go Just so there's a so the so what we've discovered is a little buffer There's a little so if it's if it's low and you know you could but you can't go You go thousands you look like a jerk sure you go thousand, you look like a jerk. You go too low, you look like a jerk. So that's sweet spot of generous and still enough to let you know that I'm classy.

Yeah, but I think it's real classy. You know, it's real classy, going like, what would you say, like three, two grand? Anonymous. That's wild. Yeah. I don't, I mean, you know, words don't like it out. That's what you're hoping for. You're in, you're in group messages. Hey,

you see someone gave two green, that's green. You know, you just stole it to the green room. You stole it to the green room. And you're commenting, like, was that too grand? You're like, ah, maybe it was. I was too. We were just talking about on a Patreon episode. We went to my niece's play. My brother, it was like a gold level member or something. And they read off there. We like to think our platinum, our diamond,

donators, our fucking, we like to have our titanium, our platinum, and then they stopped. The gold, they didn't read his name. He was so fucking pissed. I'm like, what'd you do? He goes to 50 I go next year. We're I'm gonna be the Kevin Ryan fucking theater to I turn into aversi room There's gonna be my theater. No, it'll be a two five-year-old. He's the bar you guys buy

Yeah, shout out to Tuddy. We'll have a performance space upstairs You guys have to have 100 cedar somewhere in the back We're gonna do it upstairs like an 80-8 cedar We used to do this thing for my for my aunt years ago. They had like a silent auction man I lied my ass off about putting I can't believe I didn't win that trip to a rubuck You're a fucking 22 year old drug addict Can't believe I didn't get that pot dumb. It's all the random piece of paper. Oh shit, I didn't. Dude, Venmo and your lawyers were off.

That's a bad look. That's bad. It's just gotta have a deal with them up front. Be like, listen, here's what do they call it? Retainer. You have to, here's your retainer and then we'll work something out. We're not Venmo and that's bad. It's gotta be private.

It's also, yeah, it's real bad. What you do is somebody say, I say, you know, we're doing whatever game that I owe you a hundred bucks, I've got more you a hundred bucks. Well, you do the instant transfer, or will you do like to, and pay the fee? Because there's a fee to get it instantly, or will you do like the two to three day free? No, no, no, no, never.

What, I go instant. Yeah, that's my money, and I need to know. Two to three days. I'm just a silly and in great, two to three days. You know what could happen in two to three days You're like the only person everybody. I mean we do. I mean we're dirt bags We're it's my money. It's JG went work to me. Yeah, all the time But you wet your beak. I'm okay with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me a I'll take 98 bucks. I don't care Yeah, no give it to me now

I don't care. Yeah, now give it to me now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just, I'm burdened to hand, baby. I'm burdened to hand. Everybody says no, they wait. Every single comic comes in and says no, they wait. They wait, that's nuts to me.

Yeah, those are the people that don't get ATM money. You know, the $3. That was, that's the most, I can't believe that. That's actually something I can't believe people that can't, people that think the $3 for the ATM is, I don't know Venmo, I don't trust them. As a dirt ball, when I'm jammed, but if I'm taking money, taking money to the ATM, I don't know, no Venmo, I don't trust them. As a dirt ball when I'm jammed, but if I'm taking money, taking money at the ATM,

I don't give a fuck, you could take half. Yeah, give me my, take 20, I need 20 now. When I'm drunk and gambling in a casino, you could fuck it, you could go into my savings account. I'll give you more points on interest. I gotta have to fuck a blackjack table, but now. But if I win big, I'll give you a hand, just give me the hit the fucking blackjack table, but now But if I went big I'll give you a hand just give me the hand

I did that dirt bag shit with one time where I was ham all the bad decisions are hammered in because you know you could go at your credit card Oh, when you wait when you even know how that works dude You're so I don't think I ever set up to enter something. I don't know. You're so it works You're getting a hundred bucks is costing like two 15. So like we're gonna take a little bit of the guesthouse for a better off getting money off the street. Man, but we got to wrap it up gang. What a fun time, man. Dude, love you buddy.

Mr. Versey on tour right now. You got the three pods cooking. Yeah, I got the three pods cooking and I got this will be out in like two days. Plug this weekend. Oh dude, I'll plug if I can plug June. I got the three pods cooking and I got this will be out in like two days plug this weekend Oh, dude, I'll plug I'll plug if I can plug you I'll plug June I got I have May 31st I'm doing a one-nighter in helium Indianapolis June one hilarities one night Cleveland Cleveland's been asking when I'm coming out there come out there nice Get your tickets. I'm doing the Panita Theater in Northern Idaho.

Oh, man. I'll be in San Point, Idaho. I'm doing the Panita Theater, guys. I don't even know what to expect. It's like right near Montana. People are like, why don't you do it? I'm like, all right. So it's great.

So yeah, if you're up there, come out there. I'll be at Side Splitters. I'm gonna be at Side Splitters. I think the 17th and 17th and 19th. Or Shots. I'll be at Side Splitters in the middle of of the month and then what else do I have? I'm gonna be in Houston on the 28th of June and I will be in Addison on the 29th of June all dates at Paul Verzi. Dot com guys. I'm not joking as the best hour. I've ever done you buddy. It's the best hour I've ever done

I promise you guys come out man. I will you will not leave disappointed Paul is one of the best gang We gotta go see him do stand-up, it's absolutely amazing. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, five episodes, it's going great. Me and Burr still do anything better and the Versa Effect is now in studio. So check all that out, guys. Do you guys do, you guys are my favorites. I couldn't be happier and this is, if anybody says what show you got to do, it's this one. Thank you, buddy.

We love you so much. Keep you waiting. Guys, like we said, we're all over the road. We're going to be also at Cleveland, Columbus. We have tickets. We second show in Red Bank, New Jersey. First show sold out in a couple of days. Second show's gonna sell it as well.

Get those tickets. Let's party gang. Gang, we love you and we'll see you next week. Peace.