Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Paul Walter Hauser!
Episode Date: April 3, 2025Are You Garbage presents Actor, Comedian and Wrestler Paul Walter Hauser! We're talking Milk with Dinner, Growing up in the Midwest and what makes a movie star! You know Paul W. Hauser from Take Your ...Shoes Off w/ Rick Glassman, Wrestling, Pardon My Take, Jimmy Kimmel Live, The Adam Corolla Show as well as It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I Think You Should Leave, Black Bird, Inside Out 2, Queenpins and so much more! Make sure to see "The Luckiest Man in America" in theaters now! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Simpler Hair Color: Head to https://SimplerHairColor.com/AYG and use code AYG for 10% off your order Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/garbage for 20% Off Sitewide Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Step right up, step right up.
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Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?
The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are
classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U
Garbage. Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and
we find that out there good to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Trash,
trash, trash. I'm your host, A Trolley, coming at you on a
beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new
edition. She's upstairs cleaning her pellet gun. Okay.
Somebody's gonna get it.
I don't know who it is. Good for her. My co-host is coming
in from right next to me.
He is the CEO of RU Garbage.
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the
whole wide world. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody what up gang shout out to you
Thanks for tuning in as always make sure you review subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube and also Spotify now and then
patreon.com
Slash our you garbage great website and all the land. Yes, sir and gang
We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time
He is an extremely talented extremely extremely successful actor, comedian,
producer, director, writer, and you might have seen him in but
not limited to get ready boys. You got Virginia. You got
Community. You got It's Always Sunny, Key and Peel, Kingdom,
27 episodes of that. I, Tanya, Black Clansman, Richard Jewel,
directed by Clint Eastwood. I don't know if you know that.
How you doing? Reno 911 know if you know that.
How you doing? Reno 911. Six episodes of that. Songbird. Cruella. Queenpins. Fantastic.
Blackbird. Six episodes of that. Old Dads. Inside Out 2. Cobra Kai. 15 episodes of that.
I think you should leave. The Instigators. Late Night. The After Party. Ten episodes of that.
And get this. This is what he's got coming down the pike
He's gonna be in the Fantastic Four movie the Springsteen movie
Okay, the naked gun and a movie with Mark Wahlberg directed by Peter Fairly. He's got range
Oh, yeah
And by the way, he's got a critics choice award a Golden Globe and a goddamn Emmy bit of a show-off if you ask me
And he's a star of the brand
new movie, The Luckiest Man in America, which is in theaters right now. Do yourself a favor.
It's absolutely fantastic. Give it up for Paul Walter Hauser. Look at you.
I'm going to just make sure you get on Cameo so I can pay you to just make
that video for me once a month when I'm having a rainy day.
I got a goddamn day.
What are you talking about?
That's awesome.
Thank you very much, man.
Thanks for coming.
Also, I will say, hearing all those titles,
it's like, man, a lot of fun movies,
movies I just categorize as fun.
Sure.
I've had a lot of fun.
Home runs.
Queen P pins is fantastic
You got some great. I know you guys are from Philly, right? Uh-huh. You got some
Chicago in you you got some John Candy energy in my voice. Yeah. Yeah, I was born in upstate, Pennsylvania
So that accent tends to lean a little Midwest, you know, it's funny
I auditioned for the curl show back in like 2014 or something.
Okay. And they wanted me to do a sketch and they didn't want me to. They're giving me the audition to try to book a role
in a sketch that like took place in Philadelphia and they needed me to have a Philly accent and I didn't really have it down.
It's tough to hit if you have stuff. I didn't nail it.
It's 2014. Kept trying to say sub and tonic
Think I read for that didn't get it either. What are you gonna do? Uh-huh, buddy? The movie's fantastic. Yeah, man. Congratulations
You were awesome. Of course the way that they did it just right up the middle. You're in the action and it goes it looks
Yeah, yeah that you that they did it just right up the middle. You're in the action and it goes. It looks. Yeah. Yeah.
I think it's like a tight 90, 95 minutes.
Like it's one of those movies that trucks along really well.
So good. Such an interesting story. It's fantastic.
We can't thank you enough for being here, guys.
Again, it's in theaters right now.
Do yourself a favor. The luckiest man in America.
Go see it. For those that don't know the quick elevator pitch on this.
Yeah, hit it. Back back in 1984 there was a
series called press your luck game show and
You try to win a bunch of money and prizes
But if you press the buzzer at the wrong time you would get what's called a whammy this little red monster
or very familiar with the way your stuff and
You know we all have our whammies in life
I think I got a couple on me and a couple of my ex-wives
Well whammies have you know what I mean? I took my money from me
No, but they this story is a true story about how this man named Michael Larson
Who was a bit of a grifter a con man back in 1984? He took CBS for a little over a hundred thousand dollars
Hunter G and and the reality was is he didn't really cheat necessarily,
but he did figure out the pattern and the algorithm that only had about five
different patterns of how to press the buzzer at the right time to
to get the prizes and the money.
And so the film explores that brief moment in time.
I like to call it a time capsule, this film, because you get a real
a real accurate depiction of 1983 in
America and what people looked like and very the attitudes and you know even we'll do cutaways
to Walton Goggins talking to the crowd or my buddy Jimmy Wolk talking to one of the
co-workers and you you get a feeling that it's kind of a ignorance is bliss moment in
America sure it's like we're all thriving. We're all doing well. There's a healthy working middle class. We don't we kind of don't know what lies ahead. You know, sure. You get to take CBS for 100 in about 22 minutes. Yeah. That's like one residual for Jim Parsons.
CBS right at the pot. He doesn't even catch that I don't think. Give us the backstory, give us the origin story.
Yeah. Where were you born? Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, lay it on us.
For a second, I thought you were doing the David Duchovny from Zoolander, where you're like, but why male models?
But what's the backstory? And I'm like, I just told you the backstory. I just succinctly gave it to you. I told you to press your luck.
My backstory is- What's this movie about?
I thought you did the same thing.
I'm like, are you stroking out right now, dude?
He just fucking did it perfect.
I- Take it from the top.
I was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Michigan kid.
I go to Saginaw, Michigan around the age of two,
one and a half, something like that.
I don't really remember what I'm told.
We moved there.
Those are my formative years.
Dad's a Lutheran pastor.
Mom is a daycare manager turned substitute teacher
turned teacher turned school administrator principal type.
I worked my way up the ladder.
And her and dad were just very much,
it was like churches and schools, that kind of small town, simple energy, you know,
that had his own church. He was the head pastor at the church
gotcha. And I have a brother and two sisters who got into a
similar line of work. I had always been romanced by the
world of comedy and theater and music and professional wrestling
I just love the idea of entertainment and creation and being a part of that that machine and I
Pursued that throughout school. I ended up writing screenplays in high school. I started doing stand-up comedy in high school
That's I did ten plays in four years, which is kind of the equivalent to like a two or three sport athlete every year
But it was more mathematics
Varsity Letterman theater theatrics
And I just I ingratiated myself. I was obsessed. I got you know if Jerry Seinfeld was on the cover of a TV guide
I saved it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That type of weirdo stuff.
But it did account or did a mountain and accumulate to me
being ready when the time came.
And I went and auditioned for a background role
in a small independent film in Michigan.
It was called Virginia. It's Virginia.
I was the first one. Yeah. Yeah.
Jennifer Connelly, Ed Harris,
a bunch of great people were in that movie.
And I showed up to a background actor
But I saw the director and I was like yo congrats on your movie milk that you won the Oscar
I loved the movie was very moving and your Oscar speech was moving because you know
I was one of these more liberal minded Jesus people in my hometown gotcha
So like when Lance black is telling everybody like God doesn't hate gay people. I'm like, yeah, it's nice to hear someone say that
Yeah, thank you. I agree
So I just told them that as like a 40 second drive-by compliment and he wrote my name down
Invited me back for an audition when I got to the audition
It was like a bunch of local yokels who work at like convenience stores. It wasn't like people that save TV guides
Ten plays under my belt. Yeah. Yeah. No no I was like a monster. I was so competitive
I was so ready to go I got this whole script from a manager in Hollywood and printed it out
I didn't just do the sides like the guys their head sure so like I went every part
But I did I just really threw myself
into it. The rest is history.
I did the come up like anybody else.
It happened a little bit quicker
than other people, maybe
but the work and cooking.
But yeah, you find your thing.
And then sometimes you get thrown
a great curveball in the form of an
itonia and a Richard
Jewel, where I was predominantly
doing sketch comedy, stand up
comedy.
We were making short films for Funny or Die, that type of thing.
Yeah. And then, you know,
Hollywood decided to invite me into the world of dramas.
But even in dramas, I was bringing a comedic element the same way
I'd bring a dramatic element to comedy. Sure. Got you.
And I've just been playing that game the whole time.
Both sides of the ball, baby. It's wild.
I think that was I think I summed that up.
That was beautiful. Is that a good summation? That was fantastic. That was the most elegant words that were ever spoken in
this place. You're a garbage person. You don't say the word summation with that much ease. I know that.
So no sports growing up? No, I played sports. I just wasn't like the best athlete. I also wasn't
like the worst, but I was far from the best. How were the grades? Good student? Oh I had straight
A's through second grade. I was putting up good numbers. Grade three and four we're talking A's,
B's. By fifth or sixth grade it was like some C's showed up. By seventh grade it was like look
I'm passing leave me alone. Sure. But yeah no I played some sports. I enjoyed flag football and I was so good for a minute
and then tackle football happened.
And I just got my ass beat.
The first play of the first game,
I'm like, I'm on the kickoff team.
Time to pop somebody.
And I got nailed and just laid on the field
for the whole next play.
Didn't even get up.
We had 13 men on the field. I was like crawling to the sideline. It
was bad.
I'm gonna go back and do South Pacific.
Yeah, keep the ball.
I'll take Pippen. You keep your rugby, sir.
Okay.
What was the what was the high school mascot growing up?
The Charger.
That's pretty good.
Private school, public school?
Public parochial Jesus. Okay. Okay. All right. But wait, wait, does a public school, public parochial Jesus.
OK, OK. All right.
But wait, wait, does a public school. But it was Lutheran.
No parochial private. Yeah. Oh, it's private school. OK.
So you went to Lutheran school. Yeah. All right. OK.
Do your parents still live in the same house that you grew up in?
No, but same same like
what he called Zip Code.
OK, what was the name of the street
that you grew up on?
North Bond Street.
North Bond Street.
Pretty good.
That's not bad.
Pretty good.
2409 North Bond Street.
I believe it's still there.
Not bad.
And what was the name of the high school?
Valley Lutheran High School.
Valley Lutheran High School.
I also took classes at a school
called the Saginaw Career Complex.
They called the SCC or COC
And that was like my junior senior year. I got to leave for three hours in the morning
Okay, your digital media so I would learn final cut pro and garage band
And I would learn how to use cameras and do a basic setup. You know that's awesome. It was really
Focused well it's cool having a career like class because I hated school.
You're at least focused of like something creative.
Yeah. Did you do college?
I had a cup of coffee at Concordia University,
River Forest Oak Park outside of tires.
Yeah. Yeah. I went two semesters my third semester.
I dropped out and I was doing a college radio show
while doing open mics in Chicago
while writing a screenplay for Keon Peele
who had just been deemed unemployed
because Mad TV got canceled.
And I shared a manager with them at the time.
He repped Keon Peele and Ike Barron-Holtz
and some other great comedians.
And he said, you wanna write this movie? I know you're a writer and
these guys have an idea for a movie and and that was kind of my start to having
like Hollywood friends and trying to work with people like that. Look at this.
Move it and shake it. Go get her. Shake it and move it. Shake it and move it and door move it.
Let's what we normally do if you're we get the name of your high school and
find out if you're on the notable alum on Wikipedia. He's gotta it. Let's we normally do if you're we get the name of your high school and find out
if you're on the notable alum on Wikipedia.
He's got to be. You got to be right.
I don't know. He's not only a notable alum.
Yeah. He's the only notable.
Yeah. What are you talking about?
He's got an Emmy.
I'm just checking to make sure Wikipedia is doing their job.
Concordia is counting you too.
Alumni gangster. Oh, they are?
That's all it looks like. Real tough guy stuff. Notable alum.
I like it. OK. How about the vacations growing up? What were they like? Where would you go? Gosh?
Mostly non-existent, but our vacations were like family reunions. It wasn't like we went to Boca Raton and
sipping from twirly straws
I like I like a book or a town is like a vacation destination
I like I like a book or a town is like a vacation destination
1962 if you're if you're 88 years old like we just bought a microwave and we're going to
Looking up Yeah, we went down to we drove down to Florida from Michigan
That's a two occasions which we had luggage fall off the top of the car
I'm sure you did we had the car break down and run out of gas where we're in the blazing heat for an hour and a
Half our dad got a gas can. I mean it was some real
National ampoules vacation our middle America type stuff. Yeah, and then Wisconsin was like our big treat we go to El's cabin
No, we did go to the devil's once or twice
They had the thing called Noah's Ark at the dell and we we went up to this place called Shawano, which is like a lake by Green Bay or something. That was like our big family reunion
spot. Is that what the is that whose side of the family was that your dad's or your mom's? That was
my dad. My mom, my mom's folks were down in Florida and in Jersey. So that's where you when
you go to Florida, that's where you go to her for her Jersey. Jersey, would you go to the shore?
Jersey Shore? I don't remember the specificity so much as we
definitely went to the shore and I didn't wear sunscreen for five six hours
I'll get you and I had second-degree burns on my back went to the hospital
and I spent most of my time in Jersey sitting on a couch watching movies while
putting aloe on my back and crying with a fan oscillating in my face that is the watching movies while putting
alo on my back and crying with
a fan oscillating in my face.
That is the full Jersey Shore
experience. Yeah, that's it
right there. I've done that
many a time. Alright, now we're
getting somewhere. I like it.
What kind of cars were, what
was the family car growing up
that you were doing these? Oh,
it was like all these POS
Astro vans and stuff. Like
whatever. Whatever fit all of
our our full family of six and
And Dorito crumbs until you know six. Well, yes six. You got three siblings
Well four kids and then two parents. So four plus two
He's not the man speaking. That's all I'm kidding. He's no athlete. I'll tell you that I didn't go to court. I'm sorry
Sorry, I didn't get into your small private college. No one's heard of
By the way, I only went there because Chicago's dope
You're close to Chicago and they've let in a guy like me because I got Lutheran cred or whatever
Like I couldn't have gotten into a tish and what was your first job growing up first job was
Newspaper delivery boy for like three or four months.
Very nice.
Legit three or four months?
Yeah, I didn't do it long.
I learned that racket quick.
It was good for me.
I had slurpy money.
I had videotaped rental money, but I
wasn't making the real bucks until I
started working over at the Mrs. Fields and the Saginaw
Mall, the Fashion Square Mall.
Fashion Square Mall.
We used to get 50% off of food.
And let me tell you, my fat ass,
I had so many double fudge brownies and pretzels
and lemonades that were mostly sugar
with a little bit of lemon.
The 90s were a great time.
That's all right, Mrs. Fields, man.
This is early 2000s.
Early 2000s. Life full of lipids. Man, that's alright. I miss this field. This is early 2000s. Early 2000s.
Full of lipids. Yeah, unregulated.
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Who babysat you as a kid?
You know, what's so funny is there was a guy named Chuck
Kuhn, who babysitted us briefly when I was a kid. And he
introduced me to he man he had all those he meant toys like
you have the skeleton on the shelf. And he had like the
castle and the thing where you connected
the weird fabric animal with the saddle and everything. Yeah. The tiger. Yeah. We thought
he was the battlecast. Yeah. He let us play with his he man toys and he'd make us craft
macaroni and cheese. But Jennifer Harris was our best babysitter because she took me to
one of my first movies. She took us to see she took me to one of my first movies she took us
to see she took us to a theater called Cinema Suds where you could still drink
a beer and smoke a cigarette in the effing theater that's a good time this
country was a country fall in 1990 okay we thought Dan Quayle was a genius and
we saw Home Alone that was one of my earliest memories. Were you drinking beers and ripping heaters?
No, I wasn't ripping much other than some farts and laughing at the movie and eating from a bowl of popcorn.
All right, hold on a second. How old was the guy that had the He-Man?
Yeah.
How old was this dude?
And what was his connection to the family?
Probably seven years my senior. So if he was babysitting me at six, he was probably 13.
Okay.
Okay. All right. That makes sense.
Male babysitter, bad news.
You mean, when you was explaining it, I...
What do you mean, bad news? Did you have a bad experience?
I think so, yeah.
Or do you think this is a universal thing?
Speaking broad strokes here.
To have a male babysitter leans to the trashy side.
I don't know.
Jennifer sounds like a peach.
Listen, all these Mary Kay Letourneau types are weird
I think sometimes a male babysitter is what you need to crack the whip and to get the job done
Hey when you said he meant I'm picturing like some 30 year old. That's what I thought I thought somebody you know alright 13
He's a kid fresh like an audio speed wagon
Okay, just roll with the changes
Creep something. Okay kid just roll with the changes. I'm like stop speaking in lyrics. You creep.
And speaking of what was your first concert growing up? Oh my first well there's your first concert and then here's your first like real concert.
My first concert was a Christian two-man band called Lost and Found. It's a pretty good name.
There were like 70 of us in like a thousand seat theater watching them.
But I actually loved them and they were great.
But my first concert where it's like,
you might've heard of the band,
was I think I went to a Sister Hazel concert.
Whoa. Not bad.
I saw Sister Hazel, Sticks and Weird Al Yankovic
all in like within a two year span.
That was a big deal for me.
That's a great run.
That's not bad. The decent run. It's all right. For a 13 year span. That was a big deal for me. That's a great run. That's not bad.
The decent run.
That's all right.
For a 13 year old.
That's a great, 13.
Well, I think we're the same age when Weird Al hit.
That was, I mean.
Sorry, my aggressive ex-military dad
didn't take me to Sea Pantera.
I didn't get to go to that one.
Sister Hazel.
Finally I figured out and it took a long, long time.
Right, that's their song?
Don't pretend like you're trying to think of it you know damn well that was some
dude on the way is I say what it is I see you wonder if we sang that song
together what was your first car what was your first whip that you got? My first whip was a blue, a blue Crown Victoria from 1989. It was like
a cop car. You're doing a Crown Vic. Did it have the steering column? Did it have the
light on it? What? Did it have the light out the window? A lot of those old Crown Vic's
have like the spotlight. I don't think that one did, but it was probably broken off or
something. It was the the cars in rough shape
But a member of our congregation at the time gave it to me for free and it was the sweetest gesture
But um, but I didn't I didn't drive much. I still don't why don't you drive my just you're not a driver's license
Why I've had my permit like 45 times, but I don't actually have a driver's license
I you don't have a driver's license right now
He's got his learner what
Car I know I don't like trying when you were coming up. I was in a really bad car accident when we were kids
We're in baton harbor, Michigan. Okay, you know those yellow those trucks that say yellow, but they're actually an orange emblem
Yes, yeah, we got hit by one of those sons of bitches 18 wheeler going Okay, you know those yellow those trucks that say yellow, but they're actually an orange emblem. Yes
Yeah, we got hit by one of those sons of bitches 18 wheeler going
80 90 miles an hour hit us from behind our van flipped over like three times. He's a whole body bags They thought we were dead and we all survived it
I wouldn't drive it. Yeah, so that combined with getting chewed also my dad's a historically bad driver
So like something about my dad not being a great driver,
us getting hit by a car, and me failing my first time
I took the test at 16, 17, some cocktail of that
made me go, no.
Yeah, you're shell shocked.
But now I'm really, like I love driving now.
Like I want to get my license.
I intend to get it this year for the first time.
Are you driving now with your permit?
Yeah, you gotta have somebody in the car with you
Yeah, you can't be like a five-year-old. It's gotta be like a real having adult. I mean, oh, yeah
No, maybe you'll get away with a blow-up dollar. You know, it's Kevin McAllister had that cardboard cut out
I'm Michael Jordan. Maybe I get away with it. He's you and MJ going to to the whole food. He's got his permit. That's all right
Dude, that's a home run. It's probably garbage point
What was the pet situation growing up?
The pie love that you said pet situation
We couldn't keep one because we all get tired of cleaning up shit and get a bit
Which also calls to mind a couple ex-wives. No we had a lot of dogs.
A lot of them had to go bye bye because not bye bye like we shot them in the backyard.
I mean like we give them to someone but we did have one really great dog named Ruby and
Ruby was a black lab.
Okay. We got it after the car accident as if to like a therapy dog.
Sure. Okay. And that was great. That lasted a while.
Okay. All right. Well, what was the grocery store growing up? Where did you, where did
your? Kroger, also known as Kessels in our hometown.
Good establishment. And then we did this place called Meyer, and Meyer was like a bigger Kroger.
Gotcha.
But yeah, nothing, you know, nothing fancy.
Okay.
They weren't making sushi at the deli line.
They were, these guys were handing you fritters,
and you know, meat that looked like scrap metal.
Humble beginnings, I like it.
Is it ground beef or hamburger meat?
What do you refer to it as a ground beef. Okay, gentlemen,
and you may not have been with you know where you would
tell them.
Beef man so funny gentleman from second all. Did you mean
to were you growing up you guys more of a pizza family or
dominoes household or little Caesar any way did you have an
opinion on it. Yeah, it's really none of your business.
You think you're political on them? My bad. He was talking about Dan Quayle.
We were Domino's growing up and then we fell off of Domino's before they
made their public apology that last that apology to our last of a good four years
where they're like we're sorry we suck. But I but I respected it. Oh, oh, hey we fucked up
We're getting back to it today their market evaluation is astronomical because of it. That was the turning point as the apology tour
I don't know. I can't get a read on you can learn something
Dominoes read on this guy just drop market cap on me, but um but but yeah, it's dominoes that we started dominoes
Then I got really into Little Caesars because it was cheap and it was trash I was like this is the best five dollar pizza hot and ready. Yeah. Yeah
That's how I became over I my highest I hit 333 pounds
Rest assured that was a lot of Heineken and Little Caesars
But now to this day now it's classy now
I am very
much a Domino's guy again, I've gone back to the same way. I'm
the very much the same way they they are eons above Pizza Hut at
the moment. Pizza Hut went downhill when they got rid of
their buffets. I'm not lying, man. Yeah, but they do have
Mountain Dew. God bless them. And they those buffets are
coming bags. Are they they're they're making they're making a push because like, you know, so Mountain Dew god bless them and they those buffets are coming bags
Are they they're they're making they're making a push because like you know so many things are going retro and stuff like that and
They're open. They're popping up more and more was there a frozen pizza that you preferred at the house Wow
And was that something in the house? I had a family that I was very close with and I'm to this day They're called the Hinses and the Hinses were obsessed with Jack's frozen pizza okay Jack's was cheap as
hell it was like 250 they had like five kids you know yeah I had to make a buck
you know stretch never heard it also I was at their house so yeah Jack's pizza
was the go-to but now that I'm like now that I'm a fancy adult and I got a little bit of cash,
shh, I don't buy Jacks anymore.
Now I'm more of like, now I'll go straight up
to Jornal with stuffed crust.
Rising crust, yeah, very nice.
Huh.
Maybe a gluten-free from like a Trader Joe's.
Sure.
It's got some prosciutto and arugula.
Cauliflower, something like that.
Cauliflower's all right.
They're not bad.
Cauliflower pizza. I have gout so I can't eatula. Cauliflower, something like that. Cauliflower's all right. They're not bad. Cauliflower, pizza.
I have gout, so I can't eat cauliflower.
No kidding, you have gout?
Well, have you had it your whole life,
or did you develop it?
I contracted it when I was 25,
working at a bowling alley in my hometown.
Sounds like you got stabbed with a needle or something.
I contracted it.
Well, I did contract it.
It's a fucking disease.
Give me a break, man.
He's got gout, that's perfect.
It sucks, man.
But can it go away?
I couldn't, I didn't know what it was, so I just couldn't walk one day when I was leaving my bowling alley job at midnight.
Wanted to blow my brains out.
I was walking back to my brother's house which was like a quarter mile away from the bowling alley.
I just walked to work and I had to walk back at midnight with gout and I could barely move.
I get there and I just got so stoned and I was like,
I'll just get really high and that will make the gout go away.
And it did for a time.
Then I woke up and was in excruciating pain
and found out I contracted this thing.
And I've had it for 13 years.
And with the weight loss and I'm now sober,
it's easy to kind of control it.
It doesn't flare up as much.
Where did it settle in on you?
Was it in your toe?
Toe, man.
My cousin has it in his toe.
It's brutal.
You can make a strong man cry.
He can't even put a sheet on his toe.
He'd be in agonizing pain.
My wife has seen me once in the last year, year and a half,
cry hard from the pain of galloping.
Damn.
Yikes. That being said, bagel bites or pizza rolls?
Did you have milk with dinner growing up?
Were you a big milk family? Had to be.
First off, I got to answer the first question.
Yeah, I mean, you're blowing past the pizza rolls for sure.
But I got to be honest, I recently had pizza rolls in the last year.
Yeah, because now I only have them once or twice a year
And I'll be like oh, this isn't thank God. I don't do this. It's disgusting. Yeah, they're bad
I I pepper them with parmesan cheese. I dip them in ranch. They are still
Psychotically gross they're
Disgusting I swear against them. I also by the way Buffalo Wild Wings garbage wings sure garbage
I don't ever had them wings, but I got that makes I don't do it anymore So by the way, Buffalo Wild Wings garbage wings. Sure. Garbage ass wings.
But that makes sense.
I don't do it anymore.
By the way, if you're listening, please go on YouTube
and look up, wait, who's the head of the health department
now?
No, I don't know.
The Kennedy.
You're talking to the wrong chef.
Oh, R.F.K.
Look up pizza rolls R.F.K. Junior.
You will find the funniest video of a guy doing R.F.K. Junior,
his voice, and eating pizza rolls, pretending to hide them from his wife, Cheryl.
That's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Were we a milk family? You bet your sweet ass.
Yeah. We midwest family.
A lot of milk.
And my mom got us into skim milk.
And I hated skim milk.
It tastes like water.
And eventually that same family, the Hinses, who got me onto Jack's pizza,
they got me back on the real milk.
Sounds like a good family. Come drink this dirty milk and eat our dirty pizza with us. And I was like, hell yeah. that same family the Hinses who got me on a Jack's pizza, they got me back
Come drink this dirty milk and eat our dirty pizza with us and I was like hell yeah Would you have milk with Italian food like do you like milk with spaghetti? I would have milk with meatloaf Italian
Glass of cold milk with a hot meal. So yeah, I mean it's that was like one of the first day
Why do you questions? It's that's pure trash now. Will you like? glass of cold milk with a hot meal. So yeah, that was like one of the first AYG questions.
That's pure trash.
Now will you like, it is.
Will you chachki up a frozen pizza?
Will you put your own toppings on and then put it in?
Or do you just go?
It depends on the pie.
If it's really bland.
If it's really bland, yeah, I'm busting out
the shredded Sargento. I'm busting out the shredded
Sargento. I'm busting out the red pepper flakes. I'm busting
out maybe some garlic powder or garlic salt.
Okay.
Sargento, huh?
Extra cheese in. I respect that.
You do got money in. I like Sargento.
That ain't great.
Life has been good.
I got $4.99 for cheese, baby.
What was the mayo growing up?
Was it Hellman's?
Was it Miracle Whip?
See, once again, my dad was...
My dad is pro Miracle Whip.
We would have Miracle Whip on our fish sticks and our sandwiches.
What?
Fish sticks?
But, but, but, but the Hinzes turned me on the mayo.
They were always there to pick up the pieces. Talk about lost and found. The Hinzes are the way. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, yeah, we were we were we were butter and it was on the counter to to get soft. I love it respect it
Uh-huh, you said you worked at a bowling alley. That's let's
That's that ain't great. You know, let's show them. That's it. What was your role there?
Oh, I think even if your family owns a boy, you're so garbage. You're just really just a riot wealthier garbage. Yeah
Yeah, that's like yeah, I'm sorry was question
What was the role there Jack of all trades maybe and no I I I was basically barred from the bowling alley
They kept me in the arcade room where snot knows brats would be like that prize didn't come out
I don't have to grab the key, you know
My toes killing me kid kid, shut up!
We also had like a game.
I got three plays this week.
We had a giant game.
You think I need this shit?
I got to walk to my brother's,
I still got my learner's permit.
You ever heard of Key Appeal, huh, punk?
Get your own spider ring.
I got the gout.
I almost blacked out just now from laughing. He needs car is this guy oh
Man I just want to be on this show so I could hear you guys talk for an hour
Just made the biggest fan everyone to do this show thank you. Thank you. Oh my god
No, we I've worked in the arcade and there was a gang like turf brawl one time
I've worked in the arcade and there was a gang like turf brawl one time All these teenagers were fighting and they broke the glass and shattered all the glass where the prizes were and everything
It was terrifying. We had cops who worked security off-duty cops. So you were in the arcade. It was a bad scene
He just looked dead in the eye like he was talking about Vietnam. It was
You don't know you don't know what I was my
Okay, have you ever owned were you a bowler at all was that a record did you ever own your own bowling balls?
It just throw rocks never owned my own bowling ball. My brother was a fantastic bowler to this day still is
As bold like a 300 all that crap
But uh, oh, you know who's famous from Saginaw is that bowler. Pete Weber?
Who do you think you are I am? I forget his name but that's the bowler. Can you
Google bowler Saginaw famous bowler Saginaw Michigan? I think his name is Tom
Smallwood. Oh that's a good bowler name. It's a great bowler name not a great
human name. But yeah he um he was a big deal from our town so my brother got really into bowling. I sucked my brother always tried to teach me bowling
He's like, you know, just throw it straight like you're throwing a glass of water over your shoulder. You're just holding like that
I was like, I can't do it. I can't
I kept crossing my body. I cross you don't cross you go back. That's why you get a gutter. Sure
Um the collective you I don't mean you Kevin. Hey, I
Felt that I felt you got get a gutter sure um collective you I don't mean you Kevin hey
Felt that I felt you got very personal gutter ball Ryan over here
Who was I thought you were Kevin are you Ryan? No, it's Kevin Ryan. Yeah, you're Kevin. You're Henry. Yeah, he's Ryan
No, the other guys are the other guys Ryan your that's Tommy Smallwood. What are you talking about? Junior. The third. I apologize.
No, that's Luke. That's new guy Luke.
Um.
Luke.
What? Diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, determined to feel everything she can before she can't feel anything,
she decides to leave her unhappy marriage to explore her sexuality with some encouragement from her best friend Nikki.
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Okay, Martin, let's try one. Remember, big.
You got it.
The Ford It's a Big Deal event is on. How's that?
A little bigger.
The Ford It's a Big Deal event.
Nice. Now the offer?
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Wow, that's like $99 a week.
Yeah, it's a big deal. The Ford It's a Big Deal event. Visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.55 down. Wow, that's like $99 a week. Yeah, it's a big deal.
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Visit your Toronto area Ford store or Ford.ca today.
Who was the most famous person you met prior to getting on the movie set?
And it could have been like a local celebrity.
It could have been like the radio guy, you know.
Who was the first kind of famous character that you've met?
There were some people that came in and out of our town.
Like, that just sounds so sketchy.
Sounds like Christopher Lloyd and Dennis the Menace.
Just came in and out of our town.
Yeah, that scared the hell out of me.
That guy had a knife and would eat apples
and lifted purses from the playground.
So funny.
I met, like, Gordie Howe.
Whoa.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
That's a good one.
I met, I think I like slapped hands with like Booker T.
When I was at a wrestling show.
That's great.
Buff Bagwell.
There were a couple little moments like that.
But when I went to New York, I went and saw theater.
That was like, our family was very pro like Broadway.
So when I was in LA, I would always go to shows. My parents took me to Les Mis. It was one of the splashiest
more expensive things our family ever got to do, you know, when I was a kid. And one
year I took spring break when I was 18 years old in New York City, stayed with my siblings
who were going to school in White Plains. And I met Jeff Goldblum and Billy Crude up and
Matt Dylan there were like people I just run into in the city or we would go see their shows and you know
Wait in line afterwards to get an autograph or whatever. Very good. Yeah, that's cool. It's a good lineup. That's pretty good
Remember I asked Jeff Goldblum for acting advice and he goes
Yeah, just um act
You know act every day, and I was like I don't I don't know if that's real advice
Yet to like
Attractive women shouting his name sure I'll never forget he was signing autographs like VHS tapes of powder and shit and
And he looked up and he goes oh I am getting lucky tonight
Like in front of us, and I was like
Yeah, it is why do you need to do
I gotta beat the bowling alley by five, buddy.
Hurry it up.
I got three plays this week that killed me.
All right, well, I really, I need to take this quiz. Keep going.
Sure. Have you ever skied in jeans? I'm sorry.
No.
Never skied, period.
That's okay. That's not great.
When did you get your passport?
You know, Sonny Bono died from skiing.
Some of us have abstained first time I
got my passport was when I booked a pilot in Vancouver Canada that was fall
of 2016 okay that's good that's so yeah that's older yeah that's all right yeah
I was I mean that would have been mid 20. I would have been late 20s 20s.
2030.
Growing up, what'd you call the remote? Was it the remote or the clicker?
Or the channel changer? Is that where you called it the remote? Okay.
Scared me.
Yikes. Do you own any turquoise jewel?
Clicker is very silly.
Yeah, click it. Click it.
Turquoise jewelry. Own any? No.. Yeah, clickin'. Clickin'. Clickin'.
Turquoise jewelry.
Own any?
No.
All right, take it easy.
I like the attitude.
Growing up-
Who said I do?
Who you been talking to?
It gets all defensive.
Did you have any aunts or uncles you didn't refer to by their real names, such as like,
you know, an Aunt Tootie, an Aunt Soupy, an Uncle and uncle, you know, railroad or something.
I don't know. Uncle, no, no, we were we all just people.
OK, fair enough.
OK, let's talk about now a little bit.
Let's talk about what's going on now.
You pee in the shower.
Not regularly. OK, you brush your teeth in there.
No, not anymore. OK, you floss and every day.
I do. I love floss. Actually, I like grew to like it now. I love it. Good. Good. Uh how many suits do
you own? I would assume a good amount. You gotta have few.
Suits that I've purchased probably five suits that I own
just from like having a du press and stuff. Yeah. And like
eventually didn't pay for them. I probably own a total of ten
or twelve suits. Pretty good. Couple of nice 10 or 12 suits pretty good couple of nice ones
I'd assume a couple are really nice. Yeah, where you living at summer to Goddard? You can't wear him ever again
You're like well. That was the night. I went to the kirk's choice words. Sure where am I living? Yeah, where you at?
I'm in Atlanta, Georgia. You're in Atlanta, Georgia, and they're for about six months and very nice
We're going for a third kid, and got pregnant. We were like, let's not keep spending this money in LA and let's save a buck
or two in Georgia. And also, I love that when you're on the road a lot like I am,
you want your wife to feel protected. She has way more family and friends.
Yeah. To come in and help out and be the community of support she needs while I'm
gone. Okay. Did you build this house? No, no, no. Was this your first big house purchase?
Didn't purchase it.
We're renting to own because we didn't have enough.
We wanted we didn't want to be cash poor after buying it. Sure.
So I'm still waiting for an accumulation of jobs.
Like I still have to pay really crazy, weird sag dues where like twice a year,
a percentage of what I make, I have to give back to sag and then I
Have an agent manager attorney and business manager take percent. They all wet their feet
I always give to church or some sort of charity obviously
tonight and then I also
Taxes I always forget about taxes you would be both sister
I mean I'm up to date on them. Thank God, but I just mean I'm not in a Wesley simpson area
But I'm like I'm very much like I forget how costly everything
that's you are not lying I'm not I'm not poor but I don't have a ton of savings
either okay you're renting to own all right okay all right shared way too much
I felt then you know what I thought you guys are gonna say I was garbage for
renting to own oh you are I felt in, you know what? I thought you guys were going to say I was garbage for renting to own.
Oh, you are. Oh, no. 100%.
I felt I needed to explain myself.
Now, for sure. Yeah, no, that's that is the track.
I assumed you were loaded.
So that's Sargento.
Young and dumb and full of debt.
Sargento is why we're poor.
Back to Jackson's pizza or whatever.
Is this actually from Vermont? What's happening?
Oh, how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken?
You said you're you're off the carbs.
Pro rotisserie, but only from a place like like Whole Foods.
I don't go like you're not going to go to a Fonz or something and buy a lower end. Okay, four dollar bird
The bird is not the word. Okay, if you're getting it from from that place, okay
Was there a was there a first big check that you got?
Do you remember your first big check?
And I mean it could have been a lot it could have been four thousand dollars at a time when you didn't have the money
Yeah, I guess in that regard, my first big check was
was, well, it was the first movie I did. I made like 10 grand from Virginia.
Okay. Like four weeks and I suddenly overnight like had more money than I ever
sure.
Did you make any silly purchases when you got that cash or are you sharp?
How about eating out every day?
Caesars add up
Wish it was little scissors. I would have stayed in LA longer first time. Are you a bit of a foodie?
Do you like going to like a nice place?
You like a nice dinner or you still just doing like middle of the road type stuff a little of both
I mean, I'm you know, I love a hot dog at a sporting event,
but I also, you know, legitimately love going to a fine dining restaurant somewhere.
You know, I've been to one Michelin restaurant in my life.
I took my parents, my buddy, Peter Hens from the Hens family shot.
The Hens is shot at the ends.
It's just boys with them.
I took them. Yeah, yeah.
It's awesome.
Did you meet a guy like that who pulls you into the good life?
You don't. You don't.
Yeah, it's awesome. Now, Peter's one of the that who pulls you into the good life. You don't, you don't. Yeah, it's awesome.
Now, Peter's one of the funniest humans alive.
I moved to LA with him, and he's since moved back.
But I took them to Providence, this seafood place in LA.
OK.
Because Michelin starred.
And I think, man, it must have ran me like 3,000 for the four
of us or something.
Woo!
But it was one of the top two, three best meals
I've ever had in my life.
It was insane.
No, that's not true.
Top five.
Top five.
That's me wanting to say top three.
Because you spent so much money?
To justify the money.
All right.
Since you can move it three to five, what are the top five?
Oh, god.
There's a place in Austin, Texas,
and I don't remember the name, but we were treated there
by Apple TV
when we were evading a hurricane
in coming to New Orleans while shooting Blackbird.
Me and Taron and some of the cast and crew
got flown on a private jet to Austin, Texas
to avoid the hurricane.
And we got taken out to dinner one night
at this Japanese restaurant.
And I purposely, I knew we weren't gonna have to pay for it
and I purposely racked up. Third bag move pay for it and I purposely racked up their bag move respect it I purposely racked up like
they were literally like can you bring the check and I was like also bring
that snow to go wrap up doing them lobster I was like you forgot my snow
crab you son of a bitch coming yeah I I had that was probably number one that
was the greatest meal of my life, okay, and I forget the name
I gotta look it up. Mm-hmm. I'm also just like
Dude, just like so there's something about a good smash burger. Sure. I had a great smash burger in Chicago at a diner
That's no longer there
But I think it was in Des Plains or Oak Park and it was I was called the Harlow Grill and we would go
there late at night me Peter Hinn's James Morgan my buddy was now a
professional driver in Chicago and owns a boat service that guy we would go
together and we would eat we would just sit around this diner there's nobody
there it looked like a movie set or something like this old-school diner and
eat the best smash burger you ever had. Alright right, love it. He's all right. Are you a bite and sip
guy? Will you take a bite of the burger than a sip of diet coke
or whatever you're drinking? Or no,
I think I'm a bite and sip because there's almost something
Pavlovian to wanting it to go down in a comfortable manner
down the throat. He gets it.
Also, I love pairing, right? Like when I did, I'm down the throat. I respect that. He gets it. Also, I love pairing, right?
Like, when I did, I'm sober,
but when I drank red wine, I used to, man,
pairing a good Cabernet with a pasta or a...
So good.
Or a...
Cheese.
Yeah, anything in Italian. So good.
Or a good steak. It was so fun.
They say it in Rat Tattoo,
like when they combine in your mouth,
it becomes something else.
Wonderful movie, by the way.
I love that one. It's the best. To this day. I still drink non-alcoholic beers
So if I have like a good burger or a good slice of pizza with an NA beer
It still feels like I'm having the same experience. Yeah, how do you get your steak cooked? Oh
Man, so many times when I go out to eat
I I do the thing where we family style it, not to where anyone's detriment,
but to usually where you get to try three meals
and you still have leftovers.
So I order a lot of food whenever I'm with people.
So I have to be conscious of how I order the steak
to try to please everybody.
But my personal steak is like a medium rare to a medium
with Pittsburgh style grill on the outside if I can char it a little bit and get a crispier on the outside.
Best possible answer you could have given. Thank God.
We live to fight another day.
Okay you like a deviled egg?
Love a deviled egg. By the way I didn't even need a deviled egg until the first
time I had a deviled egg was at Park City at Sundance Film Festival at the High West
whiskey restaurant and I had a dollar these bags for the first time in my life
and it was so damn good I thought what have I been missing out on I always
usurped them or you know averted them because they looked weird at family
gatherings and see them in picnics
God they're good. They're so versatile to you put anything on them. Will you dance at a wedding? I will I do I'm the reason people dance. Okay. All right
I get the people going to get the people going huh? Let's say if you had a wedding coming up
All right, very close friend of the family by the way, I don't dance at a wedding
I dance at a wedding reception dancing in a wedding
Very close friend of the family. By the way, I don't dance at a wedding.
I dance at a wedding reception.
Dancing at a wedding would be very weird.
What the hell's going on?
Very rude.
Get him out of here.
He's trying to make it about himself again.
We get it, he's Hollywood.
Does anybody object you're doing the worm down the aisle?
Sorry, we miss super troopers too, you asshat.
Gift at a wedding, cash?
You cash man, you give cash?
My wife's a gift thing,
but I think cash
is king for most gifts what are we talking about here a close friend a
close friend I mean it depends on the friend yeah I once gave my buddy Caleb
wall like I just like Venmo to him a thousand bucks he was like drink he was
having a drink and he was he was the groom and he was talking about like
He was talking about like man
I really want a computer that I can just take apart and I he was like talking about it passionately
But said he didn't have the money for it. I was hit him with a great answer love that. You're all right
It'd be a Venmo dirt bag
Good, it's art's in the right place. Uh, I mean listen, we gotta get him out of here in a minute
Have you ever owned a butterfly knife or a switchblade?
None no just a Swiss Army knife, okay, and I once brought it to school to show a friend
I thought it was cool, and they freaked out and we're like your kid can't bring a knife
Yeah, I was like I wasn't gonna use it. This was like 97 or something everybody play it cool
Do you know karate no never went to
Tiger Schulman's or anything like that Tiger Schulman's specificity here is
just ripe no no no I I know pro wrestling I know DDT's okay is there any
fireworks in your home currently no No. You open your eyes underwater?
Not usually.
Okay. Ever pull a fire alarm?
No, but I've thought about it.
You got a Swiffer at the house?
No, no, we got some more scaled up stuff.
Okay. What's the vacuum cleaner?
You got Dyson? You got Dyson at the house?
I don't know what it is, to be honest.
I'm not sure. have a we just have
A couple vacuums that are like well. I love the hand vacuum just because I have two kids
So you know you give them one cookie it's in seven rooms
Helps to have that thing you got a pool at the house we do
Hot tub you didn't that dude you're failing your own test here. You have to ask someone above or below
I assumed guy like you. Yeah, it's in ground, but You didn't that dude, you're failing your own test here. You have to ask someone above or below.
I assumed a guy like you, it's in ground,
but is it above or below?
It's in ground, but you gotta ask the garbage question.
Is the hot tub connected to it?
We don't have a hot tub.
Okay, that's where I was going.
If the hot tub's connected, I know it's an in-ground pool.
No, if it's not connected.
Oh, if it is connected.
We also have a cold plunge and red light therapy
Is it a real cold plunge or one you made and if so, what does that container?
It's from the brand plunge nice. Yeah kids good
Both worlds. What are you sleeping in undies?
pajamas I
Vastly prefer just sleeping in a pair of boxers, but on occasion I will just
I'll have some like some jam jams
Okay
He's sleeping your socks like like a pair of light sweatpants with a t-shirt. Maybe very nice never sleep in socks
That's a no-no. Yeah on your side pillow between your legs one under your head. No, I'm not a pregnant woman
I sleep on my stomach like most men that look like me
Probably probably probably I'm not taking the test. I don't know see pap
Have you ever considered yourself good at laser tag?
No, I was always bad at okay really bummed me out. I mean yeah
Trash I don't know what to tell you all the Emmys and Golden Globes in the world
I don't know what to tell you all the Emmys and Golden Globes in the world
Decent a pup putt though that putt is the trash your name to a miniature golf very nice
The kids trash but man what a home run what an awesome, dude
Great where am I on the scale is there in Europe? I mean you're bad your Midwest trash
Your which is different than Northeast trash Northeast trash 78 out of 100 probably yeah I we're retin to own I mean you're learners you're a proper movie star and you're retin to own you
got the gout all right remember to get out you got the gout the bowling alley
only now Lee Lerner's permit red so you got the gout if it wasn't for your buddy Paul's family
You'd be you'd be a shambles screwed. Oh man Henry's hysterical
Luke is nice to look at
Soft on the eyes don't get started on the Ryan in the other room. I
Gang the movie is the luckiest man in America. It's in theaters right now. It is absolutely
fantastic. Buddy, we can't say this enough. Yeah.
Congratulations. It's awesome. You're killing it. It's awesome
to see you're fantastic and everything that you're in comedy,
drama, everything you do. This movie is unbelievable. Everybody
go see the luckiest man in America. 100% garbage. Paul Walter. How's yeah, thank you, buddy. Appreciate. Thank you, buddy
Kippy what do you got for him guys the card game still available at all you garbage calm?
I can play with all your friends and family and stuff like that. They're moving so get them soon, and we love you Paul
We love you gang. We love you, and we'll see you next week