Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Pizza Flavored Snacks! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: August 6, 2026

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Quince: Upgrade your everyday. Go to https://quince.com/GARBAGE for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. Promo Code: Garbage Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/garbage for 20% Off Sitewide. BetterHelp: Visit https://betterhelp.com/garbage. Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show, we sit down to your favorite comedians, and we find it a lot of, It's a group to be classy. Yeah.

Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash. I'm your host, Ait's Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootty's in the new edition. Summer spaghetti for dinner. Okay. I hate that shit. Okay.

Cold spaghetti with Italian dressing and olives. There's always a metallic taste. I told her I'm not eating it. Uh-huh. My ghost's coming from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. We're supposed to have a family dinner later tonight.

Not with that crap Nah Not doing it No You're not gonna eat that anyway Sure You wouldn't eat it Now I'm going to the fresh works

Is that right I'm gonna get a buffalo chicken cheese steak That's what I should Shout out to the fresh works Should I should tell her to order in She don't like to order in Start the bitching Hey you got money

Yeah Kevin Ryan this Who hey what's up gang Shout out to you As always please make sure You're ready Subscribe on iTunes Full video available on YouTube

Full video available Overday on Spotify And the boys are in the top 100 of all comedy podcasts. Oh, shit. Or we were at one point in the recent history. Start shaking them down for some merchants. Somebody give me some.

Yeah. Fucking wet. Top 100? Nobody's calling from over there? Has Spotify been calling you? Get Casey Ksum on a line. Somebody. He's dead, though.

What? I think. He has to be. He'd be 114. I don't know. That guy was cooking it for a long time. He did like seven different things. He did a lot of voices on cartoons, too.

Yeah. He was shaggy, I think. think you might not be wrong or something like that or scooby-do or thelma fucking freaking hitting that cheeba he was uh Casey caseum uh Casey case or uh Dick Clark who do you like I don't know I mean I was more of a Casey KC I only knew the I only Dick Clark's for fucking geezers all right Casey Kaysom was the fucking voice of my generation over there. You know that freaking bonus content?

16,000 over there on freaking Patreon. The yummy of garbage is strong. Yes, and we fucking love you. And the boots are a lot of interesting chicken sandwiches revealed over there on the old Patreonate. Oh. Shout out frigging. Do you?

It'll hang out, huh? Yeah, you're not lying. On a lighter note, I wanted to tell you. something and they did you just made this up no no no no no no I've had a not a renaissance what's the word or resurgence accident no in your thing I've had a rekindling of my love affair I knew I knew that was going to be the words because you say them all the time it's going to be a snack it is or a sauce it is it's a snack which it's funny you go away from stuff and you kind of, oh yeah.

And it's always simple as better. Twizzlers. I mean, who would have done? No, the pizza-flavored snack. Because Trader Joe's has these... That's not, okay. Trader Joe's has a pizza-flavored sourdough chip? Oh, no, sourdough pita chip. Man.

Listen, what are you doing? They're good. I'm not saying they're not. You're a pizza-flavored man. Which is the trashiest of all flavors, for sure. Yeah, but only combos. Really? Wait, combos are trashy?

What? Hold on a second. I don't want to get a physical thing here. We've been doing pretty well and you've dropped this fucking bomb on me. My elbow's been bothering me. Wait, hold on. You're saying the only pizza-flavored snack that's acceptable is the combo? That's wild.

You're dropping Trader Joe's sourdough flavored pita chips. A little foo-foo. A little. What are you nuts? If you can't get it at a gas station, it shouldn't be pizza flavored. That's in the bylaws. I was also an dollar.

That's not a snack either. That's like fucking... They're not making that as a snack. They don't want you sit there and eat them. You're supposed to eat them with sauces and hummus and it's a part of something. There was some old mozzarella that was in the fridge. I ate any with that.

Fresh mozzarella. That, D. Jarjino? Who is he? Yeah. De Garoso. Nah, the Giordano brothers. I grew up with him. De Rosa.

Joe De Rosa. Geroza is making... Fresh mozzarella. Fresh a mutza. Mortadale. Really good. Yeah, I don't know, man. That's not a...

When I think of traditional pizza-flavored snacks, I'm not thinking of fucking the hoity-toity-peta chips from fucking Trader Joe's, you turncoat. We shop at gay stations. BP. P.S. I got to be honest. The Trader Joe's is just as trashy as. all of them. It's just hidden under Hawaiian shirts

and nice brown shopping bag. I don't know, man. It's trashy. I don't know who. I don't know who's running the snack department over there. A sardies? I don't know. What's the what's the name of the one on the Upper West Side? Sardies. Where the Tony took Kramer? No.

That's the Russian tea room. No, it's not. Barney Greengrass. Will you have a hold on? Jacobs Fickles. Yeah. Really? No, you idiot. It's a fucking supermarket. What's the famous supermarket on the upper west side? Zabars. Zabars. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Trader Joe's is trashy compared to what?

Accomy? No. It's classier than any place your mom's ever fucking been. You're sitting here. She's never been in a Trader Joe. No shit. She doesn't have a passport. They're going to fuck. She doesn't think she can get in. She went to Whole Foods want to walk the fuck out. You got to be kidding, man. Yeah. Up is down. Down is up. No thanks.

You saw how much olive oil was. Uh-huh. Get out of you. He doesn't go to Wegman. She's pro-ballist. Assuming Wegman, Jewish. I don't think they're Irish.

Morty Wegman. Our price is Nevillella. What if Wegman's his first name? Wegman O'Malley. Wegman O'Alli. What? Shee. Also, last thing, I know it's food-related,

but I take my meals very seriously. You've changed. The re-love affair with the stromboli. I'm talking the real stromboli. Cheese. Tromboli. Sweet peppers. Italian meat.

You never had a fucking stromboli. They stink. Oh, my God. Leave that shit in the past, dog. Stop. Stop. You know, what are you going to meet the boys at the sandlot? Play the never-ending game.

We don't keep track of how many stromboli is. It's a never-ending pizza shop, man. I don't know. I fully got really into the 60s and no one ever sold them again. And I wore your hat. What? And you insult me. And insult Stromboli.

I'm not insulting Stromboli. Well, you're not not. I think, listen, I'm fine with Stromboli. It's not really practical to me. I don't want. That's so stupid. It's the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard anybody say. How's it practical?

A slice of pizza is not practical. Oh, God. Dude, I don't know what you're doing in Cleveland, but you're running with the wrong crowd. Shout out to Dinas in Cleveland. You're running with the... Make a hell of him is tromboli. That's fucking, man. You know, you've changed.

A slice of pizza is it practical? I'm saying, how the fuck is this trombolian practical when it's... It's wrapped in. And there's no drip. Yeah, you're fucking nuts. How you eating it? You heard me. How you eating it?

I'm sticking it up. I'm cutting a slice and I'm taking a bite and I'm using the box as a place. Yeah, I don't. I sure. If you're a teenager, shit, no. I think stromboli's pretty sophisticated. It's got sweet peppers. It's got peppers in it.

I'm sorry? It's a fat guy order. It is. You want double the dough. That's what it is. You want double the dough. He's really chiming in. I didn't want to go there.

He's not wrong. First of all, he's got you dead to ruts. You got mozzarella on your chin. He gives this guy a raise you. starts piping up. Yeah, he could buy and sell me, sure. I love that you throw the money. I waited a week.

Very fair. Thank you. Longer than I expected. Yeah. It's only day-to-day progress. Just like I'd be a little bit better than yesterday. This is going to take a while. I've been holding on this for a minute.

Fucking son of a bitch fucking bustle my bull. Yeah. We got a family episode to do, Kevin. Uh-huh. Stromboli invented in the 1950s Italian neighborhood of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Get the fuck out of it! I didn't know that.

Go birds. Every time you take a boy, it yells out, gay birds. Go Phillies putting a little fucking money in. Kind of team. Yeah. Harper better shut the fuck up and hit.

Shaped like a log or a cylinder. That's a, if your food's shaped like any part of an engine, that's tough. Or lumber. Hey, two by four, Strambole, please. Who to friggin?

He's calling me. Denise. Ooh, pick it up. Yes. Sorry, so what's up? Hello? You. Good. How are you?

Good. Are you home? No, I'm at work right now. You're on the podcast. What's up, Denise? It's Henry. All right. Call me.

Wait, wait, wait, Denise, I got a question for you. She doesn't even want to talk to you. He said he's got a question for you. Me? Yeah, for you. Okay. Okay. You hear any rumblings about me down there?

Am I getting trashed down there? I can't hear him. She said, I'll answer. Yes. He said, if I've been trashing him down there, I said, yeah, I have been. Yeah. The artist formerly known as my best friend. Hey, I get it.

What was this? I want to do an episode. I'll do it on the Patreon or so. Of all the, all the names of the people. you grew up with because of the funniest things to me. What was the name of the, you just went in Wildwood? Who was that for? Fred McInetti.

Macanetti? That sounds like six people. McInny. Macanananee. Macanini. I might know a Macanini. Maconetti? Neni.

Friend McAney. I know a macamaney. Not the same guy. All right. I'll give you a call in a little bit. All right. Bye. All right.

Bye. Is that anything important? What? It's not like it might have been a, I don't know, something. What? I'll call it. You just look at it. Looking for some sort of connection.

Is anybody bad mouthed me? I get the scoop from them. From who? They're her. She'll give me the real feel. When have I lied to you? I want to know how bad it is. It's not great.

Got a leak in this ship. Patty. Fred McInney. Yeah. the names. He says it just makes... Macdemar, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, I mean, they're a dime a dozen

in Philadelphia. I'll bet you a thousand you can't come on another Maconanini. But why is it in Philly? You know Uncle Dan's friend, Fred McInney? Why are the Irish names so squirrely in Philly? They're squirrelly. I don't know. I love it. They all still get together.

It's not like they make horseshoes or something like that. They support. Those those are those, those, those, those, Who's broads from Kensington support each other? If anybody's doing anything, North Catholics doing an event, little flower, a little flower's been closed for 45 years,

they still do, they still do meetups. They get after it. Still do. Where's that money going? Covered abort that. IRA. Jesus, you're going over the old country.

Listen, all that's neither here or there. We've got a gosh darn family episode, guys. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, yes, sir. 16,000 strong.

over there. You get to ask your garbage question, and we'll read it on the air. This one's great. This guy's had a couple of home, because I know his name. This is from Patty O. Furniture. You or anyone you know ever say, you should frame that or you should print that when you show them a picture on your phone. You should frame that.

Yeah, put it up there. Where? I never know. Fucking dirtbags. A picture of a Corvette. Man. I saw. I saw it.

That's not theirs. You should frame that Put it on your desk You should frame it It's so You can smell the cigarettes Come out of breath Saying that

I saw a family A whole family In a Camaro The other day When the whole family's doing it I always get sad And I know there's been times Dude I made eye contact

With the kid Through the back window Like Like The very Hang in there buddy Yeah I was walking.

He looked at me like, save me. Like, come get me. Doing that thing. Yeah, I was just like, ah. And I went, I've been in the back of a Camara. I've been in the back of that car. Not that one, but I get, you'll be all right, man. Yeah.

You'll live to fight. Have you ever been embarrassed for your whole family? Because I have. Like, shit, like, on vacation somewhere as a kid, I'm a fat kid. There's probably something on me. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. My brother's tall and thin.

really looking and my parents are fighting or we're fighting or we're doing chicken fights in the pool and your dad's on top and mom's got her top off in the lazy river no I mean like she's looking for a lighter just some

in some store where everybody's fighting or yelling or something and you know like and like you look up and you catch like a grown man just looking at it's like fuck we stink I remember sleeping like seven deep in a hotel room at Disney.

We booked, I think we were supposed to go to Jamaica for my parent, my step, the parent, my mom and Joe's anniversary. I think we were going to Jamaica. Because they went to Jamaica.

They got married in Jamaica. Which I saw that picture recently. It's crazy. She's got the boat, Derek Braids. She's got the Jamaican beads. Did she? Talk about a beef batty, huh?

She's pregnant. No. Dude, my mom's in like a, you know, two-piece. No, she's in a wedding. Oh. Get married in a bikini. She's got a yard of margarita. Frozen.

Pasta, don't you go on the left side. My hands got a joint. She's blowing on it. The bouquet is a bunch of buds. I remember my step that came back and told me they called it vitamin G. I thought I was in the cartel when he told me that. You know what vitamin G. Ganja.

Ganja. I went to school going, listen, guys. I've seen the puppet show, all right? That's all brickweed. Man. She was in a wedding dress. She was in, like, a wedding dress like a... You're getting kind of turned off.

She was a piece. I think it was a... more of a cocktail dress. I mean, it wasn't a, no, she's in a white dress appropriate for the weather. Did people go to that wedding? My aunt and then

husband. That was it. Yeah. And two of Joe's racing buddies probably? No, they weren't there. It was just the four of them. Really? My aunt and she was married, the guy she was married to it at the time. My uncle. That uncle John.

the four of them went in like you know they're on a beach and Joe's in like a proper 1990 suit like Steve Harvey like baggy big suit I wanted to be like he couldn't he get like something linen this is like men's warehouse like he's got the vet

going to prom that's what I'm saying I'm like he's got like the dress shoes like you get to a flip flop or a fucking slip on it you don't realize how's how it's how to you step on that motherfucker with a suit on. It's brutal. Dude, he's bright, raised all somber. Yeah, my cousin's wedding, I did that.

It was down ashore. I had to play guitar at it, too. I was cooking. Had to play guitar. Listen, I had to play guitar at it. People make a request. He had to stop. Some family. Some guy long fishing up. Shut up! You're out of tune.

Scared the sharks away. No, what do you mean? She asked me. I played her going down. I played somewhere over the rainbow and I hope you dance. Happy birthday. Jiggle bells. Frerez Yaka. Yeah, and I hope you dance.

You know that Chenaya Twain song, wherever it is? That's a ripper. Somewhere over the rainbow? The Hawaiian guy won them. I know. Yeah. Where are we going to find a fat guy to play somewhere over the rainbow? I get the oxygen ding on.

I'm sitting in a moo. Is he? He died. My dad would sit there and watch that video over and over again. I don't think I know what you're talking about. You don't know what I'm talking about? The Summer Over the Rainbow, Summer of the Rainbow, It's a Wonderful World mashup that the Hawaiian guy did. He was a big artist in Hawaii.

Big artists everywhere. I believe you. I'm not sound. You don't have to sell them to me. I just don't know what it is. It played on a ukulele? Sure. Someday, where is you born?

I don't know. Really? Not really, Jen. It's not really good. More of a porsome. on me kind of guy. You don't really have a tender bone in your body, do you? I bet you shake the baby's hand.

You're crazy. You project a lot. I don't. How do you not know that song? Everybody has that song. I know it. Touch the hearts of millions. Millions.

My dad would sit and watch it every morning before he went to work. Close to the end. Right? Playing a Russian roulette. Loading every chamber, too. I mean, I know. I don't like I'm okay I'm not watching it every morning I would if you didn't bring it up I would have never maybe thought about it for the rest of my life who sings that song or who's the

who wrote it he wrote it no I think I'm asking you I don't know Louis Armstrong wrote the one and I don't know who the fuck wrote somewhere over the rainbow when did he find time probably one of lollipop kids or something I know it wasn't fucking Judy garland Jeff Garland the fuck wasn't Judy Garland I heard you what the fuck you already You're sending up a bad joke. No, not. It wasn't Judy. All right, take around the top.

It wasn't Judy Garland. Popping speed pills and banging the scarecrow. I hurt you what. What? Who wrote it? Harold Arlen. With lyrics by Yip Harburg. Whoa.

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Okay. How did it go? The concert on the beach. What was that concert? I was like the, I told you this. I was playing at that. It was windy. I got a lot of sanding guitar,

and I had barred it from my buddy's Jacket. Huh? Start crying. It's out of two. Yeah, it's kind of bad. Yeah, no shit. What time is this? Were there people on the beach?

Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, what do you mean? People. You heard. You know what I mean. Like beachgoers? Or was it like, did she have a crowd there? Yeah, there was like 200 people at the wedding or 100 people at the wedding.

That just dropped in a half real quick. A couple of guys. I walked a couple. It's a lifeguard. No, no, no The beach was Kind of empty Kind of empty

Yeah, it wasn't like The fudgy Wudgy guy was going by So you're like You know This guy's Okay I don't think

I don't know if I remember this story Uh huh I probably If you told me I'm sure I made all these I had a suit on Dying Got all fucked up that night too I remember I had the worst heartburn

In the world that night I had to sleep on the living floor At the beach house that they rent it It's a nice joint. You're doing well for yourself. This was back in the day. It was probably 20 years ago.

Yeah, you're 30. Oh, yeah. It's not like you were 14. You should have been married with a wife and of kids in a career. I remember I didn't have any heartburn. You're like, dude, cut me some slack. I was 41. I didn't have any heartburn medicine.

Yeah, you're 30. You shouldn't eat. Well, I get a hotel or not like that. We were all staying there as a family. My uncle Mike ran in a nice place. It's not going to be rude. Is your mom sleeping on the floor? No, she was at a room.

Yeah. It was more like you shouldn't need Harper medication at 30. I was dying. And I didn't have any. And I remember I was laying on my stomach in the living floor just like burping up.

And they didn't have anything in the fridge. I was just eating cheese to try to make it go away. Trying to counteract it with some of this dairy product. They say it's milk of magnesium. They didn't say shredded cheese. Damage.

Damage is your esophagus. That fucking acid reflux. Brutal. Sure. Get a little. Barrett's Assoffings. I have a little bit of that. I'll watch.

Sure. I keep an eye in it now. All right, man. Let's see here. This is from Chunky Potato Monkey and My Fumes are Funky. History of Aiena's. First time, long time, never have one read. You ever have food going bad in the fridge so you stick it in the freezer because you didn't feel like taking the trash out?

Okay. That buys you. I'm not even joking. You're not eating it. I did it 48 hours ago. What do you mean? We were leaving the burbs for a couple of days. Okay.

And there was stuff in the fridge. You're not going to go back and eat it, though, right? It was ground turkey. No, we did a bunch of stuff in there. The ground turkey, I might. That's dangerous. It was borderline. Borderline.

Ground turkey is fucked up to begin with, in its natural uncooked state. Yeah, it's not great. You know it's grinded up. I feel like ground beef, I didn't really think that it was grinded up. Turkey. I didn't know turkey would look like that. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough.

Yeah. Also looks like my skin a little bit. It's like two. It's like a pound like hippie. Yeah. It's, I can't do, what's it called? Pastrami. No, spicy salmon or spicy tuna.

They mush it up with the panco. I don't do that. But yeah, so you go like, all right, well, because the second you remove it from the refrigeration or cold, the decay process rapidly. starts going, you know. So you don't want to put it in your trash can outside? Well, one, this guy might not have a trash can.

Yeah, I don't want to put it in the trash can outside, but that wasn't, because there's going to be another six days and five days until trash or whatever. That in the summer heat. Summer heat. Mix with a couple of dirty fucking little Kipparino boom boom types. Mountain lines will get in that. Ooh, doggy. So I just put it in the freezer and go, that'll, that'll stay there.

It's not going to decay anymore. No. Until I come back and there's just some takeout from a Greek Italian joint, whatever, Mediterranean spot. Really? Yeah. In the suburbs, it's all, everything's mixed with Italian. It is. It's like, hey, this is Middle Eastern, but we got spaghetti and meatballs.

Yeah. Otherwise, you know, these people ain't going to roll a dice on it. I have the Greek pizza and the pesto something. So, yeah, I do that. That's a dirtbag move. But it's either you're preventing a shittier mess down the road. I put my dishes in there. Used to.

Yeah. You always used to say like you liked it. I ain't doing that nice. You tried to spin that it was like a positive for a while. I don't want to leave stuff in the sink. Yeah. Yeah. Just doing the dishes.

Never. I like doing the dishes, especially after like a big meal. I like doing them now. I'll go like, I'll put in headphones. I go, babe, I got it. Let me clean the whole. Jesus. Clean your throat first.

A mucin. It's all that turkey meat back there. What is that, by the way, that you get that. Turkey meat? I don't know. You get very reclimbed. You use a little milk thistle. That's what I need.

You know? Okay. Keep the lungs out. No, it's a lot of coffee. I talk through my throat. I don't talk properly. Try another singer. Right.

Yeah. I don't get booked on gigs on the beach that I ruin with my buddy's guitar. Does you have your own fucking guitar You shendrick Mine didn't plug in I needed a nice guitar It was a big show for me Yours didn't plug in

Uh uh I didn't have an amp Or a pickup in it One man band huh I think I chipped it too I bet you did You probably pawned it I think is the word you're looking for

No but I pawned a guitar in North Carolina That I always regret it It was a nice fender I pawned it Drugs Okay Um This one's from Gunner.

$10 homie. You ever carry around a gallon of water. Dude. That was big. Yeah, that was like a tough guy, I think. You needed it. I'm doing so much work. I got to stay hydrated.

G gallon of water. I remember my boy Greg walked out of, I picked him up at his house. He walked out with the bag of like the half a case of water still in the saran wrap. I hated that. And he had it on his shoulder. We're like, what the fuck's out about it? It goes, I got a piss test in the morning.

There you go, let's go. It's fucking chugging them. Yeah, I'll give it that. Yeah. Get it out. I don't think you passed. No. They tend to know that.

I don't think he would pass one today either if I had the guess. They dilute it. Yeah, that was a lot of, I never, but that was a lot of my mid-teen years was friends trying to pass piss test. A piss test. Also, somebody has the joke. If you call it a piss test, you're not going to pass. It's true. I thought you meant the water.

Because when creatine got big, creatine, protein shakes, when all that shit got big, people walking on a gallon of water chugging, you get a gallon of water a day. It's too heavy. That's my guitar or the amp. I could start with a half a gallon. I'm like, he's fucking trying to sip that.

Yeah. I don't like my water cold, too. I remember there was this one kid who played the football. I don't even know his name. He played on the football team. He was big fat guy who thought he was that, like, uh,

thought he was more jacked than he was fat. And it was like a 95-5. It's always tough. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I always knew I wasn't jacked that I was fat. I know, but I've seen pictures of you were like athletic, but this guy was like fat guy and not even like linemen with the,

like he was just like a, and I'm not throwing shade at him, but he was. And they kind of like they walk like they got guns. Yeah, and it was just like Fat lady arms. Yeah. It wasn't even I have fat lady arms now. He didn't really even have the...

It was just like, it was a bad shape. Bad shape guy. But he was big. He was probably one of the biggest because they kept them. They needed them. They needed size. I guess.

I don't know. I wasn't, I wasn't on the coaching staff. Did you ever go to a football game in high school? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Friday night you go to the game. Where'd you go to North Penn? Council Rock.

Council Rock South. Yeah. But we didn't have a stadium. Council Rock South. They switched mine. I was midway through. Council Rocks. I wonder if that's the school that my cousin went to.

He lives in Doyle's town. No. That's C.B. That's Central. Oh, it is Central Box. I don't know. There's Central B. South. Or East, West, and South, I think.

Yeah, but that wasn't. Very inside baseball. They were, our team was, they split the talent pool. between North and while we were there You get the fat guy I just I don't remember much of Sorry What he was walking around at school with this thing

No not even dude he would have a he He would walk around with the half a gallon of orange juice I remember like that's a lot of shit I mean I'm no fucking half a gallon Like the Like the trop Yeah like the trop

It was the tropicana With this big green cap A lot of A lot of weight in that big green cap. No, that's a gallon. Is he? Maybe what's the core? He had the cardboard, the big cardboard, John.

What? Like the carton. The big carton orange. Jesus. And I remember being like, that's a, I went, whoa, I go, this guy must really work out. I don't know. He must like his fucking, this guy must be a big breakfast guy. Just stuff with french toast.

That's crazy. Nobody tells you that. I remember I like, all jokes decided, I was like, man, that guy's fucking doing it. That guy's really put it all in the line for high school football. He's devoted himself. Yeah, I remember being like, God damn. Also, I was shocked to go, whose mother lets them leave the house with the whole girl? You know, there ain't no more in there.

Dad break kid, don't like, what the fuck? You fucked up the whole family's day. Man, I'd get screaming. if you left with the gallon of the mill oh my god he'd fucking follow the bus to school she'd patty would fucking pull up like a cop

fucking cut us off where is he I'm gonna die she does the pit where she takes the pit maneuver she spins the bus

out here you're father I had no milk for it's coffee She's running across the street in her night camp putting down spike strips Laying down suppression fire Yeah, dude I'm like you're taking the house assets

Like that's like for the week Yeah What are you're having a morning? Those things were untouchable Imagine leaving the vessel out of the house Leaving the house with Something that's supposed to last a week I tried to walk out one day

Because I'd seen like dads do it With a coffee cup Like my dad would take a coffee cup You know he'd bring the coffee cup Into the car with them Before they had like the Fucking I remember one day he spilled that

That's a dude that's a fucking You need a gyro system on that day Freaked the fuck out Dude he put it on the fucking On the dashboard And it fucking fell over I tried to walk out eating like a bowl of cereal Or something like that you freak the fuck

Yeah fucking go like that you're not taking my sub-or out of the house uh-huh we i remember my dad's my brother showed me i guess he's not at a scene it somewhere maybe this was his invention but we started doing it a cup of cereal and we would use the real spoon but like my dad didn't fucking he didn't know he didn't know how many spoons we had or anything he didn't know what the fuck was going on i remember the one time we were rent i don't know if i thought we were renting a house in bucks i remember the first i'm like you can rent a house and the owner knocked on the door

and we aren't supposed to have dogs. And we had the world's worst dog. And he just like, like, came in clock that was like, I feel like there's a dog in here. He had him locked up in the, he was fucking scratching at the door. You got his chew toy in your mouth. Kids are freak, my dad. He's got fleas.

I'd stay away from him. I'm growling at him. That was just kind of the vibes of the single dad trying to keep a household together. No furniture in the, the living room or no you know an empty dining room which you just played knee football and i was fucking done wrong with that who doggie me and dan that was the fucking fresh doggum fucking good night hit you with the roll move um yeah i'm ever playing knee football

do i would need like 12 shots of cortisone now well dude i'd a cup of that cereal cup of that cinnamon toast crunch my fucking whew whee um i like a cinnamon Thinking back, the first time I did it, I was rollerbladed down the street eating a cup of cereal with it. I'm not thinking the neighbors must have been like this fat fucking kid can't stop eating. He's on his way to a hockey game, carbo load. I remember my dad, we would wrestle whatever, like me, Danny, my dad, fucking knee football. Like kids. And my dad would put us in a leg lock.

Oh, I get you. Couldn't get out of it. Like, I remember going, we got to call the Guinness Book of Roller record. You get the strongest legs in no one. No one can leg lock. And, dude, he would just squeeze to the point of like your fucking blackout a little bit. You get that panic sets in. It's like you're drowning.

You know, you're trying to get that last gas by air. But I remember that, and I'm in like, that was dangerous, it felt. Yeah, I would get that when they would dunk me in the pool. Oh, yeah. Dude, I hated that shit. I hated it. I didn't trust a motherfucker. They fucking drowned me.

My brother would do that and hold me under. Way longer than he should. You give me fucking brain damage. Yeah, that's what it is. Wasn't all the peyote you did. No, I'm saying you could. Uh-huh. I was scared.

I hate it that. He would also stick my head. I'd tell you this. He'd stick my head in the cushions of the couch. And I might have a little bit in fucking mud. I feel like I was going to drown in there. I couldn't breathe. I'd come up red face pits.

Uh-huh. Swinging. Don't for the nuts. and everything. Moving on. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes. Unless you've been living under a rock,

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You can find someone new. Yeah. They match you again. Probably in their trashing me. Otherwise, you go, you got to go into an office. You got to meet with a guy. You go, this guy stinks, but I'm already here. The new people aren't covering it.

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Long time, homie, never have one read. Anyone in your family that can't swim. I just found out half of mine can't. I don't think so. I mean, we're, you know. Cotton couldn't swim. Mm-hmm. Rest in peace, big dog.

RIP. And he would fucking push it. He would push it. We'd be in a pool. He'd come over to the apartment and go to the pool and he'd be tiptoeing out there. I'm like, stop. He was bad I don't get the not

I don't get how you cannot know how to swim That's yeah I think Instinctively Yeah is the not I mean We were I mean I think we've talked about this We were at Casey

And Casey Baltimore and Robbie Slovick's wedding Uh huh And a friend of ours Remember we're all in that pool And he couldn't swim And there was like 50 comics And he couldn't swim Can't remember who it was

I think I can say Yeah Casey Aurora Krenall how can all couldn't swim and uh he was little group in the city he didn't learn yeah grew up in queens and uh

he hears us he gets pissed drowns us ironic um but i remember like i remember thinking the braids like dude we're in it's 50 comics the only comics the only people in the pool are common there's 50 of us around all drinking beers he goes i can't swim and then gets in the pool

and tries to like swim and we were all giving on tips like Keep your backup. Keep your arm. And I'm going to be like, that is the most courageous thing. If I couldn't swim, you'd never, you'd never know it. You would never, you would never know. Most of my teen years, people think I didn't think I could swim because I never went

to the pool. Uh-huh. Take my shirt off. Fucking chicks. Get sunburn? No thanks. It runs in the family. I got them sun shirts.

We talked about that. You're probably going to be one of them real soon. I mean, I, you know, no. I don't like anything. I don't, I don't like anything. being impeded in the water. I don't like baggy bathing suits either. I'd wear a speedo if people

weren't throwing up. The new one I got. Thanks for that. I like being loose in the water. She's been doing a lot of shorts. That's what I've been doing. Shorts are shorts. I got a... I swim in my underwear at night when nobody's around. I have a special pair of tidy wadies I put on. I go in the pool after she goes to bed. Some sort of bachelor lifestyle you do.

A real fucking, a renegade. Swimming in your underwear and your mom's pool. Mm-hmm. There's no lights. Nobody can see. I want to do that in my pool, but I'm scared. I know. You get scared because, you know, if there's a frog or a bug or something in there.

Yeah, I just don't. You know, yeah. You feel very vulnerable. I don't want to get, I do not. I don't want to get murdered in my underwear. I'd rather be naked than my underwear. I feel like I look better naked than in my underwear. I would have to say probably not.

Just, uh, educated guests. Sure. You know what I mean? All right, let's see. This one's from Brendan O. I've never, he's a little upset. I'll ask until it gets red. I'm sorry, I've never seen this as a home run.

Does your work let you wear a bandana? No. God damn corporate policy. I thought we're supposed to be having fun on a freaking podcast. I can't show my Harley Davis in Mandana. There was a guy at the Denver show that wore a bandana that looks so fucking cool. If I could rock one, I would. Yeah.

How did he have it? He had it like, he had it like, he was... Did he two pocket? A little bit. He was a tall, older white dude, but he was kind of jacked but had like that John Denver vibe. Yeah. Do you remember the guy? He was wearing shorts and like hiking shoes and he had like that it was big.

How was it? He looked like if he was a nom, he would have worked the M60. He would have been acting. Oh, yeah, perfect. Is it... I was a little specific and only in your head. Fair enough. Was it?

You want to be a communist. Did he have it like this and pulled bat? No. Or was it just the tight rolled? No. What do you have? He's not a workout instructor. He had long hair, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I remember. He was fucking ripped out. What did the bandana? How did he have it? It was like three quarters or something? Yeah, but just a band. Just a stretch.

Yeah. Okay. But a sick band. Thick band. Thick band. I don't remember that. I used to wear them when I worked at a pass in college, I could wear one. Yeah, that's like a specific time when you can wear one.

Yeah. And when I took acid, I would wear one. And I would put it around my mouth because we were watching young guns a lot. Man, we've reached a lot of points of no return in this. Okay. All right. Yeah. So we're going to transition and move on.

I'm sharing with you. I know. Dickhead? Wasn't it a move to, like, put it to? to your forehead and like do the bandana over it because like it could absorb through the skin or something what am I Jimmy Hendricks you kind of you want to be

you're talking about playing fucking no I would just take take little tabs put my tongue once a draw I drop her in the eye but not into that shit but I wore it I wore it over my face because the movie I was watching I wore it at work because the sweatshipping down in your eye plus it look cool yeah I mean listen

there's a lot of ways to stop the looking at DC cab uh huh Uh, I had one, one time as a kid that I tried to get going that. You don't got the head force. Harley Davison. Bandana? I've got it at Caldor.

You skank. Off Route 9 outside Wildwood. She'll be on the back of a Harley. Look at a lady. My tits flop there. I'm blowing my dad's everywhere. Yeah, my aunt took me to, first time, first time and every time I ever been at a Caldor. Huh.

I was in a discount thing. I said, can I get this? She said, sure. I go, I'm going to like this. I went home. Fucking raw, rough, and rugged. Harley stuff is trash. It was cool.

Harley paraphernalia. But it wasn't the typical Harley. It was like an American. It was like an eagle with a bandana on it. That's all their shit. Yeah, but it wasn't. They got a musk rat on it. Leamer.

It didn't have the traditional like Harley orange and black. They clean up on that shit. Yeah. They probably make more off. that than the fucking motor cycle. Actually, you wore a bandana in the Patreon

video for... Yeah, I did. You actually looked pretty good. Thanks. You look like a dude who got it, but you look good. First guy. Something. Caught a frag in the neck or something. Yeah. Definitely like a sea level, you know, no name. Third

guy killed. What is it? Thin red line where Woody Harrelson blows up his own ass with his own grenades and he's like, don't tell anyone this is how I went out. I got to shoot myself. How did you sit through that? That was like seven hours long. That's a long one.

Just them in the weeds. Yeah. That must have sucked. How was that Iwo? Yeah, let me get confirmation. It was somewhere like Guadalcanal or something. Man, who's got the bug spray? That must have sucked.

All right, let's see. This one's from Lane. First time asking, are you garbage if your dad would comb home from work, a few beers deep, and give you a buzz cut? That's a fucking. and that's a guy you can't say no too. He's looking toward it that all day. I get home, I'm going to cut your hair. Why did my uncle's all wanted to?

My uncle read that was, it wasn't like, it was like we were supposed, when we bought into it, you get a buzz cut at the beginning of the summer. Yeah, I think it's because they don't want to keep fucking taking you. No, I know, but like, it was like a, like a right of passage.

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, a buzz cut. I also think because maybe he couldn't go to, it was like not maybe kosher to go to school with a buzzer. cut at the time? No, he wasn't doing it for that. I know, but I'm saying why it was always the summer.

That's what I'm saying. I'm proposing a theory. I'm not saying it was there a thing of like, was there a thing of like, you don't, you know, was it at a Catholic school you weren't allowed to have a shave time? I don't know what it is, but I'm saying, why is it the summer? It was just got to be something. I think it was a thing about vanity. Like you shouldn't be worried about your hair or something like that.

You got a buzz cut and go to work. I don't know. Yeah, I always started because it was like, I don't want to be, I don't want to fucking have to take you to your haircut. I just saw a woman was saying that. I was getting my hair cut. The kids, she had her kid there. She's like, yeah, he just shave it. And then I take, I bring him back.

She's like, he goes to camp and then it's wood grows to whatever. And I bring him back. There's a woman talking about shipping her. He went to camp. Because I go and see him in July and then I pick him up at the end of August. I said, Jesus Christ. The fuck is wrong with you. Kids love those camps.

Yeah. Not my. I don't know. Yeah. I caught a day camp. at Stony Creek. Wack. Had a beefly on my ear.

I thought it was in there for like the next three years. I still do. Sweary God. You guys hear that? It just disappeared. It was right as I was getting picked up and just was right there

and I saw it was gone. I genuinely thought it was in there for like a couple of weeks. It was just waiting. I would tell you about the fucking, I went to a hockey camp at the YMCA. Nice.

And this crew of delinquents they had they must. They must have been on fucking, like, community service for DUIs or something. This guy, Tony. The whole time, dude, I wish I get a fucking, Northeast, white, like, Northeast Philly white trash. Sure.

Fucking white Kensington Cruisers. Sure. Get a big white caprice classic. Back up. Dude, he drove cop cars. Dude, Chad, like, the high and tight. He wanted to be a cop, but he was more of a criminal, if that makes sense. You know what I mean?

Might have been loosely connected. I respect. the law. Yeah, something like but I've never forget, he peed. This was like, there was no oversight from the Y. He peed with her. Just like in the bushes.

But we were at the, I don't even know how this was like. I heard of the first time seeing a grown man pee in the woods. They're peeing the book. He just like, it was next to his car. He just like walked over to like a tree and peed. He definitely lived in his mom. Yeah, it was that kind of a bunch of a bunch of kids around probably his dad's car you know what i mean bunch of kids are and not in like a creepy way but

no just inappropriate and yeah just like but we were doing it at the school and we weren't the doors were locked to this we couldn't get it it was hot as shit we're on a fucking blacktop sweating dude i didn't camp man oh that's what i'm thinking about i go i just don't none of this makes sense you got to let you in the gym or something to cool off and have your lunch i know everything was outside fuck that everything was What'd you bring for lunch? I order it down. Fat bad.

A 555.5. I'm selling slices. You can pay for this game somehow. I did it for a couple weeks. I really liked the one kid. It was fun. You played hockey. You know, whatever. As others just sitting at the fucking house. My mom would go to work. Somebody would drop me off and suddenly, you know, my mom would drop me off on her way to work, I guess. And somebody would pick me up in the afternoon.

Telling me there. It felt like a... felt like all day. On the black top. It was so hot. No water. You got to bring water and you got to ration it the whole day. God forbid your dad forgot to pick you up, which happened once.

It's right. Who's sitting there. The sun's going down around 8, 9 o'clock. Fireflies start coming out. You realize you're fucking left behind. Tony. Put your bandana on and start walking out. Start finding some shelter for the night.

You better start moving sundown. Put some thatch together. Get some cover. See a lone coyote in the distance. Cut to a bunny and a fucking an arrow hits. I got out of here for three days. Is he eating raw rabbit? Yeah.

But the guy, Tony, Someone goes, you're not going to wash your one of the other guy, Mark, he was a nice kid. He was like, you're not going to wash your hands. He went pissed outside. He said, he washed my hands. I haven't brushed my teeth in three weeks. What the fuck out of you? Shut the power off to my house.

He spits on him. And it's forever, you know, he goes, what? My balls are the cleanest part of my body. They sit in my underwear all day. And I went, that's a lot. That's not true. Yeah, and also, he knows what he was laughing again. But he was the kind of guy.

He tucked his shirt into his jean. He took to, he wore a wife beater, and he would tuck it into his jean shorts. And it was like, dude, now what I'm thinking about it, I went probably three weeks. He never touched a hockey stick. He never took a wrister or a slap, nothing. He just sat by the car. I don't know. I don't think you were at hockey camp.

This is an accident. Enough, dude, I swear to God. I think you were hanging out in the parking lot. And there was guys, some guys were playing hockey. Some guys on work release were playing hockey. And Tony was selling weed. And pissed in his hands. When the fuck's a YMCA closed, too?

It wasn't closed. Wait, what? You said it was a YMCA. It was a YMCA sponsored camp. Not on YMCA. property? No, is that the school? Is that a path mark?

That doesn't make any sense, dude. Yeah. Your mom just dropped you off in a parking lot. There were some other dudes. His father would be back to pick him up maybe tonight or tomorrow.

He can fend for himself. Yeah. Wow, that's one of those that wasn't the YMCA now that I think about it. I've been lied to like that. I mean, what would it have been? It had to be some, it was some sort of organization.

Maybe I'm convoluting it with the Y. Make a wish or something. I don't know. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I don't know either. But, hey, we're all here. Just working dude split in lunch with you because they feel bad. Back here, Kevin.

It's back in my same. Probably guys they were working in the building, painting or something like that. I don't know, Kevin, he shows up every day We play hockey, he's got a hockey stick We play hockey with him You know I feel like your mom didn't stop She would just slow down

I'd throw out on my skin my roller bleed I'm skitching on the back Uh Yeah That's that you know Maybe I was just fibing I remember being so hot We'd sit under a tree

And wait for it to cool down None of this is None of this is checking out Probably had heat stroke. Probably dreaming the whole thing. That was probably a buck 50 at the time, too. Three feet tall. Called you to plug.

Put me and goalie. I was just fucking taking slap shots at me. All right, this one's from Daniel. Sup boys. The bird and I are about to close on our first home. Congratulations. Three bedroom, good-sized yard garage. Let's go.

An above-ground pool included in the deal. Look at this. my question is what are some bozo tips for first time homeowner also could you I know how to get thrown out of one you could use help maintaining the pool I'm not the guy for the pool and I'm not the homeowner I but actually we shouldn't even have read this one congratulations on the house make friends with the neighbors and don't be my by the trying to get divorced yeah the fuck you're talking to the wrong fucking guys uh don't be the shittiest house on the block that's which the above ground pool you're on you got

an uphill battle. It depends on how it's done, obviously. Like to see a photo. Yeah, not bad. Sending a photo. Congratulations. Three bedrooms. Three bedrooms, good piece of property.

And a pool. Comes with a pool. It's all right. So it's also, if the pool is in bad shape, your grandfathered in because, and the other neighbors aren't holding that against you. I'm going. This fucking guy put in a shitty fucking pool like your boy. I also realize you're not going to like this.

We're the, we're the house with a lot of stuff. in the backyard. There's a lot of stuff going on in the backyard. It's crazy, man. At the moment. Why don't we do an AIG? We come down there and we clean up your backyard. I don't need you.

Like that guy that does the time lapse thing, cutting old people's houses. Good guy. Yeah, he's a good guy. Let us come down. You got anything I can root through in the garage or anything? You got stuff in the garage? Have you made the garage your own little spot?

What do you mean? Why would I want to hang? I have a house. I'm not, it's not my parents' house. I don't know. I have my, the house.

That's my spot. You watch football. You watch football and stuff in there. Hey, listen, I got a better place to watch football, the living room with the TV next to the fridge with the beers. Hey, huh.

Who the fuck wants, I mean, I'm not Tim Allen. I'm not like trying to get away from my bitch wife and fucking. Hey, she wasn't a bitch. She was hot. Tim Allen's wife?

Okay. I don't understand why we're in this weird. You see what I'm saying. I'm not looking. looking for a hangout. We can build a hot rod or something. Sure. There you go.

What are you bringing to the table on this? Sounds like it just got very expensive for me. Bring a chair or something. Oh, yeah, cool. I'll get some scoops. Perfect. Bring them down. But I got a lot of stuff.

It's just like toys and stuff. And it's just like, I know, but there's a hose. There's a long hose. I imagine there's some dog do-doodoo in that backyard. Yeah, but you can't. That's... out that's you know do you clean that up regularly i think my wife does you know that starts to smell no it doesn't what the backyard plus you got that shitty ass shit i stink well i have nothing

to look at sure you know uh i don't have a bout on poop my backyard you don't have a backyard no you're getting a yes is there poop back there is there any cardboard back there that's always bad like a cardboard box no there's not but because that gets wet there's a sandbox like a small sandbox like a small sandbox neighborhood cats a lot of mulching it now a baby these you know is there one of those little kids coasters what's a kids no i mean what like like i think dad who like built a roller coaster in the backyard but like you remember those little plastic ones you'd catch crazy speed on them what's a kid coaster look we didn't have roller coasters in our backyard So fair, and it might have been a...

Do you have a little Tykes... Do you have a faded little Tykes car back there, the yellow and orange one? You're not... I mean, there's like, oh, he's got a little bike that's back there. The thing is, he rearranges all the furniture, too. He pushes the chairs around, so it's like, it looks like we had a fret party all the time. How strong is this kid? He moves.

Pushing lawn furniture around? It moves everything. Dude, I didn't tell you this the other day he picked up a fucking... A gallon of pollen spring water. And I turned around. He was just walking with it. Like, what do you mean a gallon? Like a gallon jugs.

Jesus. And he had it. I turned around, he bent that like he lifted like he was a power lifter. He bent his knees. He tilted it like this so he could get it from the bottom and then stood up. And then he just was cruising with it. All that creatine. It's all that creatine.

Damn. That's crazy. I know. He just moved. He will pick up anything. If you get him a bike, you just look around. He's just carrying the bike. It's wild.

Don't ask, but there's a stack of brink. bricks in the backyard. That's the Eastern European and him coming out. Sure. He found a stack of bricks. He was throwing him on the roof. Bricks? No.

Oh, no. I'm kidding. But there is a stack of bricks. Call it cops. And he likes moving them. That's his big thing. Huh. He gives him to you.

Yeah, here you go. Yeah. Thank you. But he's moving. My thing is, and I need a little bit of grace period from the neighbors. And I believe they extend it to me of like, I got this kid just moving the stuff. And then the dog gets it. takes it further back there's a pop soccer ball back there that he let you know it's just stuff

then he's got the plastic toys like he's got like a water table that gets knocked over yeah it's just there's a look in the backyard I go babe we got to do a better job of fucking staying on top of us you're at work all day let me get down there I'll tidy it up if I'm at work dick you'd also be at work which has not always been the case I'll call out sick I'm up here I'm I'm dead there moving bricks with them Yeah, but it's like it's just I've reached I go ah we gotta we gotta tighten We gotta tighten this up

It's just a lot and then you're like Yeah, it's just a lot Jesus It's tough, it's tough But good luck with the house Yeah good luck but just don't be the shittiest house On the block I just got the fucking front weeded and emulched Those above ground pools go south quick

I know I told you I was law I kind of lost the mine again Shocked it back but I don't get the chemical levels I can't figure it out do you have the tester you have the tester

I'm giving you the pass on that one thank you that's the guy of a bad pool you should get Patty over there serving drinks you son of a bitch now he's lashing out at you I am I've guys got a bad pool

personal attack what's your pH balance I don't know the test the testeship don't tell you that They're just fentanyl test strips. That's clean. I'm all fucked up. Listen, I'm obviously upset about the pool, and I'm lashing out of my friends.

Yes. Hand up. Hand up. Well, I shocked it. I can't figure out the level. I don't know what shock is either. It says it's ultra chlorine. I dumped it in, and then I tested it.

It said my chlorine levels are low. I don't know what the fuck this pool. Do you have any samatish earth or whatever it's called? Huh? Yeah, there's some. something called Earth that's like chalk that you put in the filter. I don't know. My mom always, diomaceous Earth?

Something? I don't know what it is. Sounds like an El Ron Hubbard book. Diuretics. Dianetics. Dianetics. Remember that commercial? No, I've never seen one.

I thought Scientology was fake up until like that. They ran that Dianetics commercial. It was just a volcano blowing up. Dianetics by El Ron Hubbard. It was, it ran all the time. Fucking scared the shit out of me. A lot scared. Well, back then, yeah.

And no. No. No. You won't go swimming at night because you're scared. You're worried about a beetle landing on you. I got a beetle. No, I got foxes back there. Oh, fuck that.

Yeah. They'll need to be sneaking up on me and fucking grab my niblets in the middle of the night while I'm trying to enjoy a nice dip in my algae-filled pool. You don't got lights back there? Not to go that for. Oh, really? Oh, you're in the dark? Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck that.

You don't know. It could be in there. having a soak fuck that fucking gator yeah yeah dude uh-uh

no pull me under it'd be pretty strong to hold me under in a two foot pool I'll go swimming at night no I went I went skinny dipping in the ocean one time

because this hot chick was doing it had nothing I was in there probably weren't with her you just saw her doing I was hey how are you I'm Henry we were like senior week

I went in there for two seconds I was like this ain't worth it fuck that uh-uh I don't like doing stuff at night at all. No. Uh-uh. I can drink in beers and watch it, B-Bee.

Yeah, you don't know how fuck that. You can put a light in the pool. Get one of those. Taples. Fucking shock at myself. Shock with a 9-volt battery? But yeah, I got the test strips now. They're fancy.

If you got the above-ground pool, you can just put the test strip in, take a picture, and send it. And then they analyze it for it. Who does? Some guy. AI. I don't know. Like lab core? Something like?

that what do you do you're supposed to have that right there what do you mean you're giving your pool a covid test it's crazy well it's just interpreters you're supposed to have these things that look like um uh hourglasses and you pour it in there i don't that's the pH level I don't have that shit she just got the pH you're gonna get a uti that motherfucker but i got apparently my alkalinity is very high that's good apparently apparently yeah alkaline's good for you yeah no but not this high. I'm off the charts, baby. Like an elephant's foot in there. It's dangerously high. I went in.

That's fine. You smell like chlorine? When you come out? No, no, my chlorine levels are low. My alkalinity lines are high. Levels are high. Which last time you were in the pool? If you're down there, you're driving up here, would you hop in early? What? If you're driving up here to work, would you hop in there early in the morning?

Not that early. No? I've got to be up. I'm up with the baby early and then. I still got bugs in there. the night before. Those spiders that walk on the water? Fuck. No, I got the little tight fucking dense johns. They're scary. They're like baby tarantulas kind of.

Oh, no. They're quick, too. He can't. At least the daddy long legs you can track. These things, it's like they teleport a foot at a time. You know, Daddy Longlegs have enough poison to kill you, but they can't bite through your skin? Mm-hmm. I don't think that's true, but they do have the strongest bite.

Yeah, I made it up. Or I heard it somewhere. Most of the shit I was here on fucking Instagram or something Most of my knowledge is half understood and passed along From not literature, not a book You try to pass stuff back to me a lot that I've told you Yeah, you do it a lot of times But you'll do also the crazy thing where you'll quote

Where you heard it sometimes The guy is just watching a documentary You know actually whatever I always say that I just read I saw it on Instagram We know Fully fact busted Really Myth

is it? It's they don't. A bite of a crocodile. What is the technical name for a daddy long legs? My hell might be me being ripped apart by a bunch of daddy long legs. Daddy long legs don't scare you. I know. It's so squash. Oh my God.

I know. What? Harvestmen. Who's that? That's the comment, the real name for daddy long legs is harvestmen, cellar spiders, or crane flies. I don't like sellers. Cellar spiders? That's not. I was like Buffalo Bill.

Got me done in a well. But, dude, I've pulled so many daddy long-leg legs off that I got payback coming. How are you pulling them off? I don't know. We were little kids. You know, fucking peel the legs off. Yeah, I'm so tempted to swat fucking fireflies. No, you can't.

They're dying. They're almost gone. It's not in my backyard. Dude, you got to enjoy it. That's beautiful. I'll relax. I'm not doing it. Listen, you don't like killing bugs.

You also, you just said you ripped the legs off. When I was a kid. Okay. I also said when I was a kid, I didn't not doing it now. I'm saying there's some dirt bag. We used to, listen, there's a different time. I used to just go into a field with a wiffle ball bat and light them things up. Yeah.

I'm not saying it's right. No. But they're bugs. I don't have a beef with bugs. I don't have a problem killing bugs. I'm not saying it's right. I have a tone from us. What?

Huh? What do you say? Maybe that's what needed. I needed to learn that I don't do that anymore. Yeah. That was my mistake. Daddy Longlegs, they got beef with me. That and that one rabbit that I shot with a BB gun.

A little bunny. Me and my cousin Paul. Man, we agonized over that. Okay. That nice comedy podcast. Turn each other in. Blaming each other. We buried it.

Still buried. He owns the house now. He still buried right up. Private owns the house. Had he give us something. Lawsuit. Family, obviously. Criminal trial, we got off.

Civil suit, we got screwed. All right, let's see. This is great. This one's from, all right, let's see here. That's fantastic. All right, let's see here. Another king of the burbs. Kivy, now you're the king of the burbs.

Does your front door have a screen door? If so, what condition is it in? No screen door, I wish. We never had a screen door. I know. You lived in that fancy. You had the double doors that you're at your mom's house. Was that a single door?

Was it the doors that opened like that? It's double door. It's like the White House. A single door. A couple kids I grew up with that, that shit. The screen door's kind of going away, isn't it? We got them at the house. Whose house?

Mine house. You have a screen door in your front door? We have, so we have two big bay doors, and those have screen doors in front of them. And then we have also a screen door going out to the pool from the kitchen. What's a bay door in the front of the house? It's a bay window. Oh, yeah. So these two big.

Or a bow window. They're just two giant doors that. open to your house yeah that look out over like our front lawn did they open you open out of them? Yeah yeah you open them like two sliding glass doors Oh okay

Big ones gotcha I know you wait that open to your You have a sliding glass door on the front of your house Yeah my house is like confusing It's like the That's trash A sliding glass door in the front Yeah like it looks out over the

Biggest piece of the property Property Biggest piece. It's called a yard. Biggest. Hey, dick, yeah. I have one in the back. It's in another.

A screen door? Yeah. It's, no, I guess it's the storm door. You know what never holds up is the screen sliding door. Oh, I have one of those. Those things pop all the time. I have one of those we don't even move it. It just stays in the open position.

Yeah. It's just. The baby found it the other day, and he said, no, and then it just stays over. Wait, you don't put the screen up to keep the bugs out? No, we just closed the door. You don't ever have fresh air coming through? You don't open the screen door. Get fresh air coming through?

I got the goddamn air conditioner rolling. What the fuck you talking about? I ain't paid a cool off the old neighborhood. Yeah, what the fuck? No way. No? No. What about in the fall?

Some fresh air in there. Yeah, you got a window or whatever. Huh. I like a screen door. Yeah, but you can't with the baby. What's he going to do? Push us through the fucking... I told you he's fucking throwing bricks at people.

What the fuck do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you're going to do? Fucking run right through that shit. You don't understand. The kid's got a dude. Yeah?

He's got some fucking... Some heft to him. He ain't freaking around. He's lifting his body weight in water. But we got to wrap it up here, gang. What a fun one. Gang, we're going to tell you right now. Guess what?

We're going to see you in three days. Ooh. See you soon. Peace. Thank you.