Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Rip a Phone Book in Half w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Kippy and Foley are back with family ep baby! Its a fun one, Thanks for listening, Love youse guys, Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

gang let's talk about that middle-class famous tour baby coming to a town near you the hottest thing on a road right now We've been zipping all over the country. We're coming to a town near you kippy straighten them out First of all, we got a second show out in Chicago. So the first one out as we did Zany's Yeah, still some tickets left for the late show and we're over there in Rosemont Moving for that. So get them guys get on that Then we're also going to be in Pittsburgh Buffalo in Detroit get them now before they're gone Yep stand-up show we play a YG with the crowd you've seen the clips. What are we doing come see us bring the homies bring the bozos bring the squad Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey Everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is are you garbage? Well show we sit down with your favorite comedians Yeah, I'm gonna have to go to be classy But you're just a big old piece of trash trash trash. I'm your host age Holy coming at you on a beautiful day down here at Anthony's basement the smell of spring is in the air

Uh-huh and also a little bit of P dog coming out of her room. What's P dog? She's up there getting wet. I think wait What's P dog? Sure, man. She's he's up there getting loose. I mean dog Angel dust motherfucker Talking about the good shit. I thought you meant she was up there getting riled in his sundress or something You like I don't know. I don't it's always like burning wire coming out of her room I don't know what she's into ketamine, but I know it ain't kind, but I can tell you that My co-host is coming at you from across the table as you notice a family episode right now, baby Just uncle Hank kippy T bone the homies and the bozos

Just the fam Kevin James Ryan. Hey, gang Thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you read review subscribe on itunes all video valve on YouTube as you know Those numbers are And then obviously the greatest website I like that that was a new true to room really hit the high know you're a red boy. Yeah, you're like Stephen Tyler over there He's got a scar phone his microphone Guys patreon.com the greatest goddamn website ever invented shout out Al Gore for inventing the internet appreciate that motherfucker You sign up you get bonus episodes a yg episodes a hard feeling every week, which are pretty fucking bonkers

You gotta check those out for sure. Everybody relax. We're joking. I'm in a good time. It's all scripted And then we do live streams every month with our top top two tiers there's fucking So much shit on there. There's art that we did cribs of our childhood homes. We grew up in we have Videos of us going to the shore like Disney coming up and we got the $10,000 bet Disney's in the bull shit Tomahawk steak Disney's in the bull get about the appetizer. We're doing the $10,000 bet next week gonna shit myself I wonder if we don't have it if we just show them like the home screen of patreon and be like listen, we're good for it I'm just not liquid right now. These koozies are just as good as money Because if you need koozies, we're about 15 grand of them laying around

We gonna do your hands freezing holding the drink, huh? How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good give it up pretty bone McScruffins Toby Mick what's up, dude? Hey, man. Yeah, there's any podcast out there looking for a new producer I'm gonna need a job in about a week once we fucking spin that roulette wheel Paying you a merch wait till the hard feelings if that thing loses I Caramba I'm gonna deny the whole thing you thought last week between me and the big man. We're bad. It's gonna be rough Speaking of patreon. I wanted to bring something up as I

Told you on that hard feelings episode. Tell me a lot of things on that Mostly that I'm a bad human being but if you don't know I got caught Fuck I got violated in a fucking hotel room by a fucking cleaning person playing with your P dog It's fine. It's like an hour before check out. I'm fucking getting ready in the bathroom and this fucking guy walks into my fucking room I'm standing there buck naked. I got my fucking leg up on the sink a hair dryer halfway up my asshole And he's fucking sneaking a peek at my fucking goodie bag But I discovered something in that hotel. You tell me if you think this is classy or not I've never done this, but I've been doing it ever since I was at that hotel

Okay, never take a hand towel and just leave it on the edge of the sink. It's nice to operate It's nice. It's dude. There's no backsplash like fine dining shit doesn't get on your fucking shirt You don't got toothpaste all over you. It's a real nice trick Just regular hand towel in a house sacrifice it put it in front of the sink I started doing it at the house those hand towels in hotels are tough for me To I use them for everything. That's why I stole that's why it's tough for me to use them I know what I've used them for and then to go dry off with it. It's a little it's a tough look He's not talking about doing the windows

So it's like it's a little I'm a germ guy. I'm in my head a lot and it's like, you know Are they doing cold washes? They don't know what they doing over there. They'd shut down. Are you kidding me? Who knows you think they're putting those things on the gentle cycle now? Doing that at a crematorium. They should be they should be new ones every fucking time But I stole the two make they start they put makeup What the makeup or the past two plays we had the makeup rise that are darker colors Maybe that's what the charges were on the Mx. Oh, yeah, I got knocked for 550 I count in the fucking makeup bags That's in your blood to steal shit from a hotel man. Why don't you can't shake that your mom will take anything

I'll bolt it down What they want you to take the remotes I Barely they're begging you to take up who's phone books and he's Bibles do you need the ladies use them now a lot those makeup things are hot? Yeah to clean off? Yeah, they're separate there could they're colored so you they don't stain up Yeah, so I yanked a couple of them that was the present that I brought back the big thing on the road I hit the gift shop, you know

You buy meth out front if you wanted The big thing on this trip was the one hotel we stayed in Phoenix had the had a blue tooth enabled Mirror in the bathroom. I told you I don't like those mirrors. It's too intense. I told you I don't fight Especially they got a I don't need that thing peeking on me if it's got blue to fucking take if it's got blue to the capabilities Who knows a little cam in there? I feel like briskos on the other side of that thing Exactly waiting for me to crack You just hear a knock on it

Step forward Where's your ball sack? I'm like Sir put your penis back on that me man, I saw that thing I hooked up too sweet cranked it gave him a show I cranked it too. It's real loud, man. I left my bathing suit on I wasn't yeah, you got to get up pretty early in the morning a big piece of tape on the mirror I got the fucking blue the blue electrical tape Not catching that man. I'm real weird. I'll look you know, it looks like there's somebody in there Yeah, there's all like dots and not get the fuck out here. We don't need smart mirrors knock that shit off

They're gonna take over fucking kill us all The doobie brothers are playing yeah, also that one hotel room which was trashy at first But I ended up loving it immediately you guys were complaining about it at first The The TV was on the left-hand side on the side. I'm a side guy I lay sideways and watch and then that way you can turn around at night and not have the TV Blasting on your face if you want to keep Seinfeld playing because you got to give them the views I don't like it at my feet. I feel like I'm in a hospital bed. Yeah

Sure. Yeah, I'm not doing that. You had a real good line at the Airbnb in Denver where you're like somebody hit the Seinfeld button Yeah, let's get it cooking. I tweeted that did all right I Got a little something something I wanted to get into we've talked about it, but I finally As you know is very anti-air fryer for a long time. We both were on this show Oh fuck. I bought one a couple months ago never opened it up. I'm telling you I'm like I'm talking to talking to a bird I'm like, what do you want to do for then then because I don't know we could go here. We could go there I was like oil. I was like, let's make fucking

Some steaks on like the cast iron I like doing that like the fucking butter that you got it season Did you take the time and season and all that stuff? Okay? Hey, just making sure Johnny toaster oven We always had one of those um I like doing that. That's fun. I like that process and they letting it rest and the fucking slight I like cutting stuff. Oh, you do the spoon with the time in there. Yeah, what am I? I just said that that you Bozo Ramsey over. Yeah, whatever. It's a good time So I um

So I'm like, let's do that. She goes. Let's try the air fry It's been sitting in the kitchen in a box in a corner. I go. All right. We had some steak tip shot up with your box calm I'm telling you Seven minutes in this fucking thing It's crazy. What's going on in there? It was the best dude. It was the best bite of steak I've ever had in my life. Oh, we didn't coordinate this Little Montreal fucking seasoning on there, too. I hate to admit it. We also purchased one about a month or so I know we've mentioned you've purchased one and she's fucking big on it

Dude, you could put a fucking lizard in there and it's fucking crispy. I don't know. I don't know what's going on It's proper insane. It's changed my they need to be bigger though I need like I need like a pizza oven one You know what I mean? Because everything's got to be separated and stuff like that. I have a steak in there Eventually you two will start listening when people telling you that things are good. No, I don't know what's going on only I do The process is something comes out you shit on it You hate it because you don't know about it and you're scared of it Then you try it once and you fucking deny you ever fucking discredit it. I

Always liked an air fryer. They're fantastic. Mine's like blue. I always admit while I'm wrong I Hated it in the beginning and now I like it's fantastic with dude a fucking it came out I'm like we were sitting in the kitchen like we didn't even like played it We were just like eating it out of the thing because we got so excited how good it was Fucking good times. I want Hansie a piece. Hey, you take one. You know what I mean? Hansie's big on roast beef nowadays. That's what we're training with roast beef. Mm-hmm. Jesus. How is he divorced dad roast beef? He's a dog. What are you getting slices at the deli? Yeah, you got like a half a pound of

Pre-sliced. Yeah, never never roast beef in our house when I was a kid. We got it for the dog ham and turkey. Oh, yeah I mean, who the fuck see what what nine-year-olds eating roast beef sandwiches. I knew a couple of kids that rolled in with them They're no longer living for sure. They got they got they weren't a bad way with even worse people those guys Fuckin looking for a trade. We had sanctions on those kids. Yeah. No No, we got it in Bargo yet You got a train with high priority treats when you want to teach them something new or did that you know She give them skittles or something. He said whatever the bubble day But it's a fam episode

I'm at like the big man said so guys when you know you sign up for patreon We will answer your garbage question on the air just the best way to do it and also If you're listening as the day comes out come see us at fucking rose monzenes I Yeah, this comes out Thursday. Yes chai town shy town two sold-out shows, baby And then tonight in rosemont come see the boys. Yeah, can't wait. Can't wait to get back to Chicago And if one of them isn't sold out we'll crop that pick make it real nice. Oh, I got my best crop guy on it I'm I don't know what's going on the lights in this place. I'm flying a new guy Luke just to crop that real nice

Just crash test dummy sitting in the bag Having a good time though Come out and see us gang can't wait never been never been a rosemont before Yeah, I don't think it's like a I don't think it's an anchor city, you know what I mean It's not really drawing a lot of it's a suburb. Oh, it's it's an area by the airport What's the convention center like huh? They have a football team The rosemont rollers

That's the football team They're on rollerblades getting No, I was thinking they were all an ecstasy. There's a winding up hugging each other Bet you would drug boy, huh? Yeah That's what you like. Oh go up there with toad eats my goal is shirm or fucker shit gets weird If he's got a hair on him today a hair on a little little spry in the spring here a lot of sex talk coming out of you Okay, kids all riled up. I like it. All right This one's from Saint Ben ten dollar homies the trash go to a yg live show on a Thursday still be hung over on Sunday

Ouch, baby. That's what we're doing at these shows. We're party. Yikes It's a good time couple of casualties on this trip. So we're getting fucked up. I know But okay, this one Home run of a name if you ask me I'm partial in this though. You know what I mean KJ something Foley lies Hey, I don't agree with it, but you got the big man done the right He wants the smoke this is from foley's a fat lion piece of shit No, no, that's my patreon name Let's see ten dollar homie one time my mom made me go in and pre-pay three dollars in change at the gas station when I was ten

Because she was too embarrassed. Oh, that's a tough. That's a look. Oh, you'll never forget that till the day you die You'll probably that guy probably hates paying with anything in change He probably gets changed and throws it back at the cashier. I remember my mom doing that shit fucking drove him drove me crazy Just look in there. There's more change in there that and as I've mentioned when the checkbook used to come out in the fucking grocery store I used to tear up. I thought they're gonna take the house away from us. Oh, yeah, that was bad to check We were never got cash on you. We were never fuck. We were never a big check in the grocery store But I do remember times I had like an SAT tutor Or like a prep or whatever this girl. I think I've mentioned her before she was fucking the size of a house

I don't know how she fit in this tiny little room and she would eat egg rolls while she was fucking test prepping me She it was fucking She would hold them like cigarettes. It was fucking crazy I feel like your parents are trying to cut like TV lawyer deals We're like, yeah, we'll give you half up front and the other half if he gets into college. Oh, it was real like I Can she was like I remember my mom was behind You know what I mean? It was one of those things like you had to pay I think like every time or once a month or whatever and

Like I would just go in on my own and out and like, oh my she'd like to drum I'm give you a check and I'm like, no, I'm like, oh my sister dropped me off She's ripping out of the parking lot. Yeah, me mom like lady. You think this is the first time in the line about money My parents told me this scam about 15 years ago. I think she sent it to the phone company I'm I she's all mixed up Denise is upside down in a dumbass kid Big head. I'm looking at those egg rolls If a train leaves now, give me a fucking egg roll Giving you high priority treats, but I got any roast beef

But I remember I was like don't cash it told mud or whatever and I remember being there being like you're that's But like that, you know what that meant at the time. I was fucking 17. Yeah, I knew what it meant I was taking the essay but writing bad checks for years How do you get back to the factory to work? I didn't know that you could do that and then when I found out you could do it's like a handshake deal I never I never wrote the the the actual date. I always pushed 2028 Sir, it's 1999 See this for the millennium

By that it'll be worth double Yeah, she would and I'm but like looking back honestly like I've lied about When not having money about having money for Till about you know fucking six months ago or whatever Mm-hmm of all the checking the fud the check the thing the guy always have a hymn hauled the story to you know That nobody believes I'm sure but for my mom to be like listen in front of me in front of those ladies You know this woman's just like and it's for the betterment of her son of being like

Hey, I don't have it, but here's a check wait until fucking Friday. That takes a lot of fucking Gumption or ball. You know what I mean? Like you got really got to swallow your pride and that thing Then we got back in her seabring convertible and fucking peeled out all for you to get in the temple And drink yourself with it into your life I Assume you had to back in the day negotiate with Verizon or whoever your cell phone company was You know if you were over if you were late on the payment and they got a holdie on the phone Oh me personally. Yes, of course got shut off yesterday. That's what I know

But back in the day back in the day was different you could say I'm gonna have it in two weeks Oh, they'll they'll give you they would be like hey We can extend it out until the 19th if it was like the fifth or whatever and then the second day said that I was like call my boys meet me at the bar. Let's go Take that down the road for a couple of weeks. Yeah, but that breathe a little bit That was always big like it was like you're I forget what they used to call like you're like it was not the honor system But it was like good faith payment or something. Oh fuck will register it as a payment promise Yeah, yeah promise payment. Yeah, I break one of those

I've been lying my whole life Dumb brawling give me the fucking service. Give me the Wi-Fi. Let's go You're on the you're on the stand. Well, you're on or my fingers were You can't see my cross on my eyes the whole time Even when they would like some some people over the fun They would back you into a corner by they would say now we're gonna record it you say yes I agree to this at the time. Oh, I was committing perjury with every fucking tech company in the world Now it's one press one to authorize payment a fucking whatever whatever. Well, he texted me

I thought it was a to he texted me yesterday or two days ago Hey, call me ASAP and I go to call them back and it's like be be be you've been direct redirected to sprint online payment system I was like, ah, god damn it. I thought I squared up the I have the money That's go on record kippy's got the game he sent the check I just lose my debit cards a lot and then it's saved on autopay and then like they just text you hey You got to pay your bill, but I like, you know, if you're fucking be bopping and scatting. Oh my god get to it I never get to it. You make it sound like you're a real playboy

with half a phone on I was in Morocco at a time difference You're like that dude who was that guy they were hunting down that was ripping off to the girls No, my enemies are after me. Yeah tinder swindler. Yeah, I've been doing that I've been doing that to cell phone providers for the past decade the sprint swindler Well, I was sprint, but I think T-Mobile bought them, but they still treat me like the stepchild I calls it are you a sprint? I'll go into T-Mobile and they'll go are you a sprint customer? I go. Yeah, and then they like send you in the basement to like next to the cobwebs. They'll talk to Igor

Real fucking second-class citizen shit. I'll be with you in an hour. That's why I'm a mint mobile man Do you go? Sprint is a very cell phone holster on the belt company. I'm very surprised that he uses it It's crazy. It was through my family's business account and then I left And I was just like I just went there I guess to keep that number because I think you had to stay there already sent you to free t-shirt. What are you gonna do? No, but It was before you took the phone case they got me I Got a big sprint foam finger

Can't part with this beauty. Ah shit my dial-in wand But I think at that time you couldn't go like provider to provider I think like to keep my number. I had this is fucking, you know, whatever 15 years ago or something I had to stay in sprint if you change your number back then you might as well have shot yourself In the face in a parking lot somewhere. Uh-huh. That was the it took Months to regain I numbers back for people to know who you were Your guy to call you back. I did it one time to free myself of it to start fresh. What yeah Who would you have heat on you? No, I just it was like this liberating feeling of like I'm fucking

Starting over for clean. That's why like when you get big like we'll I'll text some of these bigger guests that we have You know who we become chums with mm-hmm, and I'll text them and then I just get ghosted And then they text me from a different number like a month later like oh, what are you doing? I'm like who the fuck is this? Oh, they stay switching numbies. I like that. Mm-hmm. I called 1-800 Joe Rogan nothing I'm Tony's friend. I know you'll Tony are a Tammy shot everybody Talked a big ankle vouch for Joey. Oh shout out the fucking Hank to Texas good guy good man. Good time down there. Yeah, let's talk about movement, baby Move move move. Do you man? Do you like cool watches? You like cool sunglasses? Look at me. I'm a cool guy

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I throw in a movement let them look at it You know what I only time I use it when I want to look rich, you know what I wanted to ask you is my girl She's on the computer I'll show her a couple of websites her eyes get real wonky when she's doing the computer It'd be nice if movement made something to help the eyes when you're on the computer all day Wait a minute they did maybe they got the raver skull blue light filled three glasses. It's a game Really helps with eye strain poor sleeping patterns, and I got good modern styles frames my wife uses them Yeah, you don't be walking on the monocle in like a loser if you want to elevate your look with style

That doesn't break the bank then join movement and get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com Slash garbage one more time. That's mvmt.com slash garbage do it back to the show back All right, let's see here This one we've talked about a little bit, but I don't think we've ever talked about it this way This is from Eric Hyo a yk have you or anyone you know nice that's what they're doing over there in a tree on I like it Purposely screwed up a food order at the restaurant you work at so you can eat the messed up food later. Yeah That's crazy. We talked about I think people would like

Call it in or you don't want pancakes on that burger You sure I could have swore you said pancake burger nothing Is it me am I crazy so you don't want this cheese steak omelet. Is that right? Yeah, whoa, I have to say cheesecake That's uh, that's a pro move pro move. Yeah, it was never really that was more of a bus boy in my my days So I didn't really have access to the computers pro move real pro move This one I never thought about this is Tommy is a garbage to check the website to see what prizes are left before buying scratcher tickets So now it's all public information if you go to like pencil or New York State Lotto comm

They have how many like say, you know, what is it whatever lucky fives lucky fives cash for life you go they go, okay? There's I don't know I'm making this number up a hundred thousand Lucky fives printed. There's four winners None of them are claimed really three of them are claimed or one of them I think it's like, you know, the Patriot Act or something Imagine that I'm probably gonna they gotta print the numbing. Who's the dirtbag lobbyist for that? Well, I think no it's going in the fucking honest thing going in the Congress open up the books stop that let's stop letting these bozos Cheat us, huh?

That's trashy, but at the end of the day. Yeah, it's a smart move I feel like if you're thinking that on that level like that's chest not checkers shit Why not apply that to something bigger than scratchers? Well, I got the brains kid You're doing you're doing the work I think from what you told me about people knowing the roles and this and that and what's hot and what's not you had that in the mix That starts to make it a little bit more of a fucking science than a than an art There's a little bit of an ad I think the thing of like the tickets come out when I used to work though at the

Supermarket they had the machine and the the running theory was when they restocked it the winners were at the beginning of the role That seemed like real Dirtbag law, I don't know what that was. Yeah, I don't know what that was based on I don't know if they were reading that on a slice back in psychopedia. Yeah, that was real fucking trashy, but I guess maybe I don't know If the vending guys smoking there's no winners Go to the next seven or yeah, they would get in fights and shit. Have you ever used one of those vending machines? I've never used the actual vending machine. Oh, yeah No, I like I like talking to the guys about it. What's good tonight? Give me a tighten. Give me a blackjack twos

I've got a sour skittles. I've gone from the coin star to the scratch off That's talk about talk about betting it all on black rags to riches over here. That's something else You got 40 bucks. You got to reinvest five That's very much like this is from James Is it garbage to go to the gas station knowingly you're only gonna buy five dollars worth of scratchers and only get gas if you win Damn, that's really a buddy. If you're only gonna get gas if you win, you shouldn't be driving to the gas station For a free ticket You're standing there trying to sell the free

75 cents I Remember that was the one times I remember Like we've said like families draw hard lines in the sand of what they'll do and what they won't do like garbage wise Sure, I mean like And I remember I was talking to my buddy and he was like, yeah If you trade in your this is back in the day when GameStop just opened But it's like you trade in your n64 you can get a hundred bucks or whatever a lot, you know And then I'm like, yeah, but I want the cash. It goes. Yeah, then just sit by the cash register and ask people

Hey, give me the cash and I'll use my credit I'm like, that's something my parents would disown me if I sat out front of a fucking GameStop If you're working in store credit, you're lurking around the register like a vulture. Yeah Jesus that's a third-party transaction That's real trashy shit. Yeah, where's your green shirt? Which I feel Toby's I can see Toby remembering a story as we're talking I'm just imagining a guy being like you want tech it'll give it to you 50 cents on the dollar I know it's like where that's like I'm like that's I'm not doing all that for 50 bucks now

Even then I'm like I'll fucking rob some okay What I was actually thinking about was when I was on when I had a food stamp card and running that scam with my homies You had a food stamp card. Oh, yeah Jesus, what are you a single mother? What the fuck women in need? I was broke get a fucking job you long-haired hippie. That's your people I needed it dude, and you couldn't find a waiting tables job somewhere if the government can buy missiles for Syria They could buy me a goddamn sandwich. Oh my god. That's it. Toby's done But I need that me bohoogie I

Found a place to let me buy sigs with it. It's one of the only America that works man How long were you on this? I don't know a couple months government assistance. Yeah, I was on unemployment Pandemics one thing. What are you gonna do, but geez? Yeah, you were taking hand out left and right during the pandemic Not me. I was I was working hard subtitling stand-up I'm taking a dollar Listen nobody turned their back on the stint they ought to eat deposit out of my account I couldn't see What do you want?

Open the clubs back up It's not cut the check we were it was put my hours in on Friday It was when shit was getting obvious You know the shit was getting bad in the pandemic and was mean you were doing hard feelings This is right when we started this we're doing hard feelings every morning and I remember being like alright This is gonna be longer Like shit shut down at this point and I'm like all comedy's done I was working for that guy part-time. He was like kind of keeping me on her a little bit or whatever

I remember I call my mom like yo, I got a fucking rent the pet like Fucking let's open up the books. Make good. What are we give me the routing number? What are we doing here? That's and she's like alright. You're applying for relief for your mom dude She's like on that an application. She goes all right. You gotta press one to agree. You'll pay me back Add it to the total cuz you ain't getting none of it Added to that bike you bought me. I said I'd pay you back for it too. No, she's like she's like listen Let me talk to your step that she's like I'll see what we can do. I'm like alright So she calls me back the next I talked to Joe and we can do 300. I'm like 300

You might as well not even give me anything My realm was like fucking 1850 it was gonna turn me in It's a global pandemic lady. She's like, can you get a job? I get a job They got a job on Broadway you dumb bro, what are you talking about remember? Yeah You know, why don't you just give me a fucking volume and a handgun to blow my fucking brains out She's like now you gotta turn my back It was very like we can just broad gave me 300 bucks for a lifetime. I know it wouldn't even pay for the coffin. I know Yikes

Yeah, and then that's when times were bad, right? Pod was making zero dollars zero dollars. I was staying at the shore house because we whatever and No, you're eating the old chicken from the acne. Uh-huh 74 pack of drumsticks It was buy one get three free packs of chicken would they kill a chicken basketball team what the fuck The clockers Fuckers versus the rolling don't win It's a fucking death match

If you don't win you end up in kippies. Do you end up in kippies bait freezer? There was nothing skivvier in the fucking grocery store as a kid when your mom would get a fucking huge thing a fucking chicken parts Chicken parts as bad some guys will be Legos Sounds like some you pick up with the mechanic Hey, we don't have the parts we're waiting for You got a water from Germany but Remember a thigh when you were a kid. You're like what the fuck is that dude now?

I don't fuck with them get out of here. I love a good thigh White meat and dark meat crispy skin, but she was like she was buying new couches in The chicken no my mom for the shore she had ordered and she's like they're coming You got to get rid of the old couches She goes you can sell them on craigslist and keep them. Oh, yeah, I remember that and I made 250 bucks and I was like I'm 35 years old or whatever You're just looking for Kobe. Oh my god

It was like and then I'm like haggling with people like you put something on craigslist the fucking worms come out and They were like hey, I can do to you know Policier for like 300 or whatever the pull-out sofa and a love seat, you know and People like I can 300 I can do 170 I can do what I'm like. I'm like how about 178? I'm like, what am I? This is fucking selling my mom's couch and arguing over six bucks Fuck is my life come to? Grown people have jobs 278 one I saw an old guy the world's worst shark tank

For that reason, I'm at you're a dirt bag on your mom's couch and for that reason I'm out I Saw far we've come I saw some old man haggling with a an uber, you know uber is set. Yeah, so he's this guy This guy, I don't know how he fucking pulled it off But I guess he was coming from the same place that he comes from a lot Okay, and he was usually $40. Okay, but it was more this time And maybe I don't maybe it was just a cab or something like that. Maybe it was a You know sometimes uber drivers can like randomly pick people up out in Queens. It's a little fuzzy Sometimes those vans can just scoop over and pick people up

And I guess the guy was used to just paying $40 every time and it was like with traffic or whatever It was like 48 and this guy was fucking a losing it and he didn't get it the guys like I don't set them It's a meter. I don't set the price bucks out of He's like it's 40 every time. I'm not being cheap I just don't have it here take the ones and he gave him like four months and just walked the fuck away The guy was sitting in the car like what the fuck I call the cops on Get my best guy on the case. I remember when I was living uptown with my boy

Shout out to Gouge They have like those Like the Dominican car sir uptown uptown is predominantly Dominican and my boys Dominican and they have those Dominican car services So and which is very like culturally haggle base, you know what I mean? Because there's this is before uber and they're not they don't have meters, you know what I mean? It's not like yellow cabs where like you get in and they start to fucking meter is a rooster driving And dude they would haggle and it would give me so much anxiety like insane amount in Spanish No, no, no, but it's like, you know, and they would they were just waiting for a gun to come out man

I'm like this is fucking I'll just take the bus and then he'd be like, yeah, okay, so we'd get in and then we'd like open beers in the back I'm like, what are we doing this guy? The owner own rules up there dude. It's nice. Yeah get one of those car services up there road sodas Pre-uber do whatever the fuck you want and add back. Oh, it's great. It's 15 people in the fucking cars Just hit the Henry Hudson and keep going. Don't look back buddy. We're getting freaky back here Drive up the palace stage with the lights off. Yeah Fucking black light in the back

It was something else This one's funny, this is from Scott B. Do you know, but do you know anyone who can rip a phone book in half? Get the fuck out Fucking piece of shit. I wrote that down last night. No shit. God damn it Kid of the 80s. That was the true sign of masculinity If you could fucking do that, there was one guy in every town that could do I never met him I think a lot of dudes cut it on the TV shows and stuff. I think that there's for sure a trick It's a parlor trick. I'm sure rip a little bit. Yeah, you started like the ours or something Yeah, there's there's definitely something. Let's see how to rip. God damn it. I thought that was gonna kill

it did Know I wasn't Yeah, I just wrote that down yesterday That's beautiful once you've torn through the edge ripping the rest of the phone book in half is relatively easy Says Johnny tough guy calm. Yeah, I don't know But it made it if there wasn't a trick to it. It would be impossible. I feel what it I Mean if you spend a little time in the gym and fucking drank your AG This week

Maybe it wouldn't be now. Yeah, that doesn't make it. That's it's all hand strength, too That's like, you know anybody that could fucking hang on a telephone on a light pole sideways I don't know anybody they can do a pull-up. Oh, man. There was a kid that the flag or something He was frightening. He was from what they call a broken home Yeah, you used to walk around with a baseball bat. No shirt on he was like 25 dating like a 13 year old That's what happened back in the day. It was insane. There was even in my top like 2005 There was older guys like he was a neighborhood psycho parties and misdiagnosed fucking fell through the cracks of the system They didn't know that much back then still living at home probably fucking torturing his fucking parents. It was wild

Yeah, fuck that brightening Think his name was Ramon or something like that Paco. It looked like something from the 80s It was the 80s. Oh, yeah Looks like something from the day we are on This one's from Andrew is it trashed to be so cheap that you don't replace the broken ice machine in your fridge and just use ice trays That's a very Ryan household thing. Yeah, we're that's it's that option is no longer available Because no one's coming to fix that. What are you gonna call it? Well, you would have to call like Sears Which like we wouldn't do it like my mom does that my mom

I think the refrigerator my parents house now. They were given a full refund for it I think they were supposed to buy another one with it, which they did not. Uh-huh. Just fucking let that ride Sure, so we're just rocking with no freezer. No freezer What the fuck you got a window unit in there. Oh, what do you mean? No freezer? You got a freezer I'm joking the ice machine doesn't work. Okay, so there's like 15 ice trays in the fucking freezer on the bottom Dusty and brutal fuck that I didn't start trusting those even though it's classy. I didn't really start trusting the The door ice Ice water until relatively recent. Oh, I grew we had one girl my whole that whole time

It always tastes like the ice cubes always have like a weird flavor. They're a little they're a little chalky or so The you're talking about the half moon ones. Yeah, they were they sucked in a soda I like they would kill the fucking the carbonation in a fucking Pepsi like that I like them hated it had chicken fucking chicken tender flavor ice was brutal and the water I just assume it sat in the hose all day. It literally tastes like hose water like there was like mushrooms water No, no hose water Sorry comes out every once in a while From the suburbs of Philly, I don't know what to tell you. I'm fucking a dirtbag

Fucking Ed Rendell over here Hey, who's water I waited on him once Man, he's an old family friend of ours. He used to sled at his house Nice, huh? If I ever need a pardon. I gotta call my aunt to call him Yeah, he was pretty legit. Nice tan fucking probably like a $5,000 suit. So I'm had some steady with him. Yeah Real nice He used to come He was the governor of Pennsylvania, right? Yeah, he was the mayor of Philadelphia the governor very powerful man

He was a family friend for a very long time still is but he would come to like any time my grandparents had like something was something for my Grandparents like their 50th wedding anniversary. Yeah, you weren't friends with him. I said family and a big family He would make it a point to come and he always came with the same Trooper yeah, probably the same guy. Yeah That's like one of the trash the mom they remember when you went sledding and Ed's Ed Rendell governor in Bell's house I'm like, I do not but I tell people I do hit the jump in a 360 start thinking I was like five I was like four or five. He's praying she didn't fuck him or something Denise

I could I told you my mom had an oral surgeon who used to park his motorcycle in our garage And they were friends A lot of jokes I could have made about an oral surgeon parking garage motorcycle. I'm not gonna do it I respect respect your family unlike you to me apparently, but I remember a certain point in high school across when I was like Oh, please tell me she ain't blowing this dude is something for garage space. Doesn't she watch? Love you Patty She's a good kid. She knows we're joking around. She might get hot about the refrigerator thing though. That's what she takes offense. I Am a whore, but my ice is good. No, not that about getting the money from Sears to replace

It started working again Doing slip and falls with your fridge you fucking dirt bags. I'm gonna pretend like you got stuck in there This thing's possessed There's a fat kid in my refrigerator Like night at the museum the dino nuggets are coming to life Would you go with your parents for those kind of things like when you were getting a new refrigerator or something that would you go? I'll make a Wednesday night. He moved into that house. Everything was new. This was 30 Three years ago, nothing's changed. They're just replacing it since I've been like that's not the same refrigerator

You grew up with others. That's the new roof. That's the new that's a new that'll be the new fridge for the next 25 years And they'll still call it the new fridge. That's a new fridge a new stove. They redid the kitchen Maybe three four years. There's still a couple of things in need read done. They aren't finished. That's a that's a Ryan household Okay, let me just open up to outside. It's 99. Everything's 94% done I used to remember that I think not even to buy that used to be an activity Like on a Wednesday night or something like that after dinner We'd go to like, you know, like a reymore and flanigan or something like that and they would just kind of

Roll around waste of salesman's time Fucking trying out recliners and doing this and doing that Oh, I remember walking to a rent. I think I mentioned this I remember walking into a rental center with my parents one time And I fucking was like nope not doing it I'm not renting a couch, you dumb bitch I don't care how I work in doubles. I don't care who's playing in the Super Bowl Let's get the fuck out of here. I don't care how great jack says it is. I'm not renting a fucking DQ

Rent and it's microwave or whatever. Let's hit friendlies and go home with a little dignity, huh? Yeah. No, we didn't buy there was no New anything because we did move in that house, but then that house the I mean Just started slow. I remember the fridge wouldn't close You had to lift the like the door had fell off the hinge So you had to lift it and like shoulder it in for it to stick Oh, we had a couple of closets like that. Oh, I mean every every sliding door is off the track I mean me my brother got thrown like he you know, push me through it. Are we a rough house in or whatever?

Playing grab ass. Oh, I used to fucking abuse those Luan doors like what's a Luan door? The thin doors that are like bedroom doors that like it's just a really hollow Yeah, he's a knight on each side. Oh, he used to fucking throw a punch at one of those let everybody know bad boy lives here something inside but um Yeah, but all the appliances that's a new washer dry. I mean they all Got 30 years out everything and we've never called anyone to come and fix anything ever My mom's got people running it out all the time

No, it'll be my stepdad when he gets to it and that's about six months after it breaks or needs fixing It's one thing. I'll give my dad. I mean your stepdad was uh, isn't is Constructually inclined yeah construction company. Yeah, uh, my dad and he never he knew He would never go near a fucking socket or anything call the guy. I'm not fucking that's what I do Hey, call the fuck we got the guys in the building Hey, call up the fucking call up dragging in his boys and have them come fucking. Yeah, he's a war reward We didn't even like changing lightbulb turn the breaker off. We used to turn the breaker off to change lightbulb haji machi Kill the power to the township. I gotta call the mayor. He's gotta pull the plug on the whole town

There's no light in the oven Can't see the meatloaf cooking It's like it's like tie hard. You're out in the middle of the street talking to a guy to hard hat in the sewer You gotta shut the whole block The toilets clog cut the water Ha ha ha ha ha I don't want to flood the whole goddamn second floor. My mom comes in with a chainsaw and just goes through the line No, sir, he bad

Um, this one is something we've never really uh, talked about there just from Ethan what is The or is there a minimum amount that is classy to going on a gift together my family will all pick We'll all pitch in on a $50 gift. This has to be trashed because we aren't hemmed up Wait, so I guess if they're bought let's say you let's you know, let's make this if you have to buy a present for your uncle's 60th birthday or whatever. Yeah

Maybe for you probably 80th birthday. Okay um And you're like, oh, we're all gonna get them a gift and the totals $50 or $50 a piece No, we'll all pitch in on a $50 gift. That's bad. What is that $495 a piece? I know it's got I feel like it's gotta be you gotta it's gotta be something big A chip in is something big. I don't even think Huge but bigger than a normal a couple hundred dollars couple hundred 200 bucks. I would say is like, oh, we all chipped in 200 bucks for family and ipad 100, but yeah, what the fuck

That's fucking wild. Yeah, that's bad 50 bucks. I don't think I've ever done it the The uh, the old lady my uh, my lady will do that her and her friends all do that for the like the girls There's like a group of like eight of them and it's always like it's Fucking Tiffany's birthday and they all chip in they all put in 50 bucks or whatever on whatever Tiffany and get her You know a vacation or not a vacation, but something what's Tiffany's deal? Sangle looking they know about me these broads Uh, probably no, I don't know. I don't know if they watch the show

Is there youtube in europe you tell me youtube tell me you choose It's called nine, but they don't know about one of the most powerful men in podcast I Said top five five thousand dickhead um We'd for christmas this year my sister-in-law lover organized something really nice um for my mom it was uh, it was like a package deal. So it was it was like, um

uh Like a super deep clean from like a really good cleaning service and then like four regular cleans after that Uh manicure pedicure hair spa day all that stuff and then like a lineup of uh Hello freshes for like two three months. That's just to help her out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah something like I think it was like After was all said and done real classy too. She didn't hit me up for it till after it was all done She didn't be up in like march was like, okay, we got the didn't think you had it to be honest with me Hey, I know you're a little light on fun post date that check. Um, it was like 300 bucks a piece Like between like, you know

Me and my girl and my brother and her or whatever. That's not bad. That's not that's 50 dollars. Come on. Yeah, I feel yeah I would feel like a dick eating anything at the fucking party if I knew my I contributed four dollars to the fucking gift That's got big mouth billy bass written all over it too 50 bucks And he says it doesn't he says we're not hemmed up. So apparently they all have cash or just cheapskates Some families are like that With the gifts, you know Yeah, not us we go heavy. We'll go into debt We're not big. We're not a big on gifts. I mean, we've mentioned this a lot like especially even older

I mean like my parents, of course like the well my mom Would your mom get you for Christmas this year? Did you tell me it probably a fucking I mean they get the same thing I get the same thing every year. I get like a t-shirt a fucking Nike hoodie a fucking sweater socks couple undies Scratchers for my stepdad bill for that sylvan learning center I wish it was so we we did not have so sylvan wouldn't take a post dated jack Yeah, we went to I went to some real shanty place. I was above the dry cleaners or something

We went to some shanty they they tried with that for a minute with me But there was no sat prep or anything. You're a money pit. Yeah, that but by then they knew this was like ninth grade They took a shot because I was like sitting sideways in class. They didn't know what was I didn't know what was going on Couldn't fit in the desk Can't tutor that um And yeah, it was some fucking rinky ding place with some bozo nerd from high school his breath stunk I think I could beat him up Like I ain't doing this shit dork plus see you need your words anyway, dude

Go get me a coffee. I'm gonna be a failure till 46 I'm not gonna make a living till 50 I Then I'll show you you're not even on the jv team dork I assume neither one of you ever tutored right what now toby What he was dumber than you when we took the sat oh by the way, we took the sat he's on the On the uh patreon or way back in the day. Hmm. Uh, yeah, he was worse than you. Hmm Yeah, I'm pretty book dumb

Tutor was a good gig though if you could do it I always wanted to be a tutor and babysitter babysitter was a cushion. Yeah, but that jammed up your nights You know what I thought about Friday night and like a really rich person's house So a couple of kids that are cool that are going to go to sleep at a certain point You got the big couch the big tv plus you get up boys over Talk to the other girls on the phone gig uh that somebody did and we were when I when we moved up here and talked about Becoming a masseuse Because you get to set your hours

You're not in like a cubicle if you can be and they paid like, you know, whatever 100 bucks an hour. Yeah, they didn't have to make with the happy endings I do I do strictly ladies That'd be even what'd be even worse happy ending Why because you would probably disappoint them I don't think they have all right spent 20 minutes. Let's go. Where's the button on this thing? They're on off switch tell your dad to cut the power You start choking off does this help you at all?

I could see you in an all white Like the pants I thought about it looking like a like a psych ward orderly sure you buy the you buy the table The fold-up table you thought about this. I mean I kicked around those hands If I saw those things coming around my shoulder, I'd puke you kidding me and nails hanging off there You gotta have nice strong hands for that Okay smoking in there No incense Incense just smells like hoagie. Yeah, they run incense in those places and a nice tranquil you do it in your place

You dumb ski Ew in call you fucking trouble. You do like two appointments a day make 150 bucks Oh, never what going to somebody's house. You don't even got a brick and mortar. I'm not going to you What were you going to be charging for this? I mean it's through the service. I think yeah ronge jack We crank it and yank it Come down to come down to kippy's jerk cut We make pulling weeds fun what You always push it one too many

Ronge jackshacks. All right, get get get that on it on the fucking on bar fire Yeah You mean for his shirt ronge jack jack. That's pretty good. Somebody box up enough ronge jack jack Some kind of like a big fist like that Who's gonna walk around with a shirt that says jack jack on it though Also, it's cool to see people in the live shows this week wearing or last week wearing the fucking bernie shirt Is he kidding the front row is the first one I saw in life. I'm like, oh my god. There it is. Yeah Oh, man

One of these days we'll find that guy Pulling your root as a term is all right. That's a root. That's a that's a me who I think I stole from my friend Who's now schizophrenic. We should start calling jizz root beer. That's pretty good Tugging your fruit tugging your root and weaseling off was a pretty good one Fucking over there weaseling off. Aren't you we say pulling your pud? Yeah, I mean that's I'm jerking my dick Buddy Tugging your roots nice tugging your roots. All right Playing the banjo

Crank it jack jack Uh All right, let's see this we can do uh this one then we can This one a little bit of a this is He says this is a garbage but then paints a pretty big picture. It's more of a story. This is from tjb When we would take family road trips, I would ride with my cousin's family and every time we get hungry My uncle would make us answer a series of trivia questions in order to win food Question one would be for a small soda and if we got the question question right

We would be He would get then move on to a medium soda and so forth so on and so forth if we got the question wrong We would lose an item This is like jeopardy give me your shoes Uh question two for a small fry dot dot dot you get the point It would get to the point where we wouldn't even want the food anymore and my uncle would just win Also, he could just be making up the answers too fucking pricks it there with four sodas Man eating everybody's fries and shit. It's also very trashy because I did it exclusively if we were going somewhere as a family

Extended family if it was us and the cousins and the other cousins We would all the kids would we'd want to mix and match like oh, of course Like I would want to ride with my uncle Mike and my aunt Colleen and my cousin Tracy Because like they were my aunt Colleen sat sideways and it was fun and like we talked and gooped around different car Sure, you know what I mean? We would always do uh the boys and the girls because there was My brother and sister's age the cousins there's three boys and three girls all the the three girls of the same age The three boys are the same age and then I was the younger lone wolf

But so all the girls would do one car all the boys would do the other car That was always like you're fucking I'd end up getting beat up and then one of my cousins would hit me too hard Then Danny would hit them and it was fucking yeah backfired on me once I was getting a lot of trouble in 11th grade in high school and we had a we drove down to north carolina for my cousin's graduation and um Uh, they put me in the car with just my uncle frank And he was supposed to like straight and it was like an eight hour car ride It was an old fucking it was like a late model lincoln. I there was like a 50 chance. I was coming back alive

I thought for sure he was gonna pull off and fucking ride out into the desert dude I thought he was gonna fucking whack put me in a hole Yeah, it was just me and him him just crushing bernie's the whole way No radio no nothing and then about four hours then I heard a so what's been going on? I had one of the took my seatbelt off and rolled out Uh-huh. I had one of those shout out the uncle lar put me in Dude, it was my I'll never forget was my sister's graduation party and I didn't want to go I guess there was like

She was I was probably like 12 or 13 or whatever And I was like I wanted to like hang with my friends They were all like doing there was something big with my friends going on at that point like there was an event Everyone's going to fucking something. I'm like fuck. I got this. I was like, can I go early? Can I go late? Whatever my mom's like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I don't want to be with your family on the fucking I'm like, they're gonna that guilt man. Oh late at all they go live with them meanwhile We were going like a fucking vfw or something. I'm like, it's not like we're going to the crystal tea room here

We're going to fucking eat meatballs out of sternos. What do we do? I've done this a thousand times Hey, bring me home some aju and shut it. Will you I know be fucking Trying to make out try to grab a boob or something. Let the fucking kid live a little bit Trying to get my noodle wet And that was like a what the fuck and then She didn't even tell me My uncle lair came up. He was a vietnam vet. Just showed up at the house. No, this was at the party

Because it was like I've had them come to the house Surprised on a wednesday My uncle mike's carl just pulled up in the fucking driveway and my my dad was away or something like that I knew that I was I was fucking dead. Yeah, because you can't Yeah, I couldn't maneuver with those guys because I wasn't used to them And they were always so fucking you don't have the playbook on this. They were always so the game tape so fun And so nice, but then when they went dude, well, that's a that's a that's a thing that's a thing of torture anyway Hey, you can't be too. Now. You just hey be cool easy doesn't

um yikes, but my uncle lair came up and he was like, uh What's this? I hear you didn't want to come and I'm like, yeah That bitch is lying Fucking trust the word out of her mouth Uh, I'm like, yeah, you know, whatever whatever and he goes. What are you doing this summer? Because it was graduation, right? It was like june and I'm like he's like You know you join the marines Here's a gun

It was like june, you know, he's like june 25th. You're with me and he was uh, oh fuck that He was a soccer a very, uh Accomplished soccer coach and he would have camps and I had to go work the camps as a fucking like 13 year old show you how it is Oh, man, and he was just like he was one like No zero nonsense like I mean, it was like you he was he was calm and slow. He didn't yell Yeah, he was just looking back. What the fuck is your problem? Yeah, my uncle Mike and uncle Joe were very like that. They were very calm

But then when something fucking went off you were running for the hills He busted me making out with my high school girlfriend in her car in the driveway of a short fucking cock block What do you do and let the high school girlfriend? What else are they gonna be doing? What do you think they're playing crossword puzzles? He was old school catholic and didn't like it at all. You told me you were gay I'd rather you be kissing dudes right now You're gonna knock this skank up And ruin your life

At least timmy can't get pregnant Dude, it was honestly it was something like that. He was screaming from the porch. He's like got the fuck in here right now I was like, we're just talking he's like Talking about fucking just talking you a lipstick Talking about killing the mood Midnight back to six Yikes, we gotta wrap her up gang. We love you come to a live show come see us Check out that merch site too. Check out that merch site. We're gonna be adding uh

Some shirts we're gonna be adding like a chicken sandwich shirt We're gonna be doing a lot of things just kind of you know new fun things that come up in the show Yeah, and sign up for patreon if you want to know the real scoop Who the real fellas are? Yeah, Jim, we love you and we'll see you next week. Peace