Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Robert Kelly - Mall Massage

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Robert Kelly! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ MVMT: https://www.MVMT.com/Garbage Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Ooh, baby, the wait is over. New dates added on the middle class famous store. Gang, we're coming to see you. Bring the squad out. Live stand-up comedy show. Play a little energy with the crowd. Great way to introduce some people to the show. Bring the squad out.

Kippy, straighten these bozos out. In November, we have two shows in Atlanta as part of the Red Clay Comedy Festival. Get those tickets. Then we're going to Charlotte, North Carolina. Also, we have a sold out show in Philadelphia. Two sold out shows in Philadelphia. Sorry, smell you next time, Philly.

Providence, Rhode Island. We just added a second show tickets available in December. Boston, the same thing. We added a second show tickets still available. Get those tickets. Those shows will sell out. We'll see you there. See ya.

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Oh, yeah.

Little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they're good to be classy. Yeah? They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antlody's basement. She's upstairs arguing with the mailman. Oh, no.

Trying to get him to pay for a plan B that they made an arrangement on. All right. Okay, fair enough. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. You really mailed that one in. He's the CEO of Are You Garbage. I'm not giving you anything.

He's the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international businessman. He is the Prince of Park Avenue, but always the king of the boardwalk, baby. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate,

review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are- Trinero! Cookin'. And then obviously the greatest goddamn website of all motherfuckin' time. Woo! www.patreon.com slash your heart you garbage.

Check it, the fuck out gang. It's a party over there. Write it down, copy and paste, whatever you gotta do. Go check it out, gang. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire. He's back with us. He's feelin' better.

But next episode he's gonna be gone again. So he might get sick next week. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullin, everybody. What's up, dude? What up, T-Bone? There he is. Dude, we got the pod father, the OG East Coast,

Don of Don's, lookin' a little trim. Whoa, they're over there. It might do say so much. I'm chubbin' up. I gotta be honest with you. You guys didn't come in in a two-piece. Showin' them off a little bit. Gang, we couldn't be more excited

to have our incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guest here with us to get today. For the second to third time, he's back with us. Had a fuckin' fantastic summer this guy, just to let you know. You can check him out in the brand new movie, Fourth of July, the fuckin' box office summer fuckin' smashed. You can check him out in all five seasons of Louis.

And he also has a brand new special out right now called Robert Kelly Kill Box. You can get that all at LouisCK.net. Give it up for the new and improved. The 2.0. Robert Kelly, everybody. The six, the six skinny. That's my six skinny.

The six. And it's LouisCK.com. Is it? I thought it was LouisCK.net. I don't know, but I think it is. I'm 100% right. I think LouisCK.com. I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Just fuckin' Google it out there. I'm pretty sure I'm. If you're wrong, I'm makin' you to ho-ho-gee. If you're wrong, yeah, are you gonna make me? I'll throw up. I can't eat it. I know you can't do it anyway. I gotta fuckin'

You've lost your super powers. That's LouisCK.com, folks. What the fuck? He must have changed. Louis! Now you have to eat a whole whole whole gig. He already was playing it on this episode. Very good.

Probably two on the day. LouisCK.com, ladies and gentlemen. A couple of skinny minis over here, you know what I mean? Dude, the spiral fold is gonna go through on this episode. He's gonna be stapled on his stomach by midway through. Look over, he's got a fuckin' staple gun goin'. I'm havin' my tongue removed next week. You think you're gonna one-up me?

Would he get nuts? Still managed to get fatter somehow. Now there's more fits. It doesn't get the food, doesn't get the- Ah, fuck! God damn it, I couldn't get that out. Way to go, Bozo. It was good.

I was puttin' together. It was like the Matrix. I just couldn't get there. Bozo's my favorite. Bozo and Dudd. Oh, that's a good word. Dudd. Oh, I love when Colin-

I think Colin called Joe DeRosa a Dudd. Calling somebody a Dudd's great. Boss's roast is like, Joe DeRosa's just a Dudd. It was the most perfect word for him. That's great. Well, buddy, congratulations, everything. Thank you very much.

Brand new special kill box, LouisCK.com. That's correct. Fuckin' unbelievable. You filmed it down here in Florida? We did it down in Florida at Coastal Creatives in St. Pete. Florida was the place that kind of saved my life during the pandemic, because they didn't shut the down. I went down there and I just did show after show after show.

And those people just showed the fuck up. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. Yeah, sidesplitters. So, yeah, it was fine. Plus, Mike Calta, my number one best friend down there. Sure, Shawn Calta. He showed it out in five minutes, two shows. All of them gone.

I mean, the crowds down there just support me. So it was epic. It was great. We made the space. We went into that empty. It's just blank space and we went in there and I told him what I wanted to do. And Louis, he's just a fucking genius.

His team, too. He put me, he gave me his guys. He didn't give me like locals. You didn't get the B squad. I got the heavy hitters. Yeah, like the set designer has a fucking Emmy. Damn. You know what I mean?

Like all the people there, like Emmy award winning, you know, Grammys, all the shit with him. So it was pretty great to. Got some leftover roadie from sticks or something like that. Yeah, like some local guy, some meth head sound guy. You'll be fine. Stealing the equipment and stuff. They don't need to hear you.

I can hear it through the. I can hear it. You're good. It was it was it was fucking unbelievable. And now I just saw the cut that Louis edited it. He directed it. So I just saw it. It looks fucking great.

We just wanted to. I'm a club comic. You know what I mean? You guys, we're club guys. We go into these clubs and fucking murder. And we wanted to recreate a holy shit club special. The theater specials got first special. Was that or not your first or the whatever the last one?

The life from the village underground. That was the same. That I also, you know, nerd out for a second. That was one. Nobody really had done it in a club like that at that point. Like at least or that one really. That high level of production. Yeah, I was like, oh, you're fucking you're in it.

Like it feels like you're sitting in the room rather than watching people watch up until that point. And you're a nerd. You're a nerd. You'll know we couldn't do it. The cameras are too big. Of course. So you couldn't do this.

But then at that point, they came out those cannons. But in that special, you know, Jim Serpico and figured it out where someone was by the, you had to shut the camera off every 15 minutes. So you had to, there was people by every camera, shutting it off, going to another camera and turning it back on. Because they just didn't record video for that long. So it was pretty epic how they did it. But that special was awesome.

This one, Louie was just, I had two hours because I, no one would give me a special. Nobody, you know, nobody would be like. Which is crazy because you kill, I mean, if you ask anybody in New York or even like any, you know, big, you kill harder than probably anybody. Yeah, but that don't matter. I know, I'm just saying, but it's crazy because you're that fun, like a murderer. It's a weird thing.

Like you always thought that you come up and you're one of the funniest guys in the room and you'll get stuff. But that's not the case. The fastest horse doesn't win the race business. But I don't hate the people. I get it. Whatever the fucking reasons. God bless them.

But Louie, I toured with him in March and he came off after my set. He's like, what the fuck? Do you have a special? And I was like, no, no one will give me one. He goes, I'm doing your fucking special. I'm doing it. You should have a special. I'm going to do that.

And he did it. A lot of people say shit like that, but he actually did it. Him, Leah, I mean, I was, I was, you know, and I told him what I wanted too. And he actually did that. You know, he put the money. So I need you to buy it because I got to pay Louie back. I owe that motherfucker a lot. I mean, if we need to get his money back, you know what I mean?

We got to recoup. Yeah. I don't know if I don't know if the boys are in the red. I don't know if that movie did it, but so I got to do it. You know what I mean? I don't want to see Louis fucking doing headline spots and fucking, you know, Jacksonville. Yeah. Louie's in Poughkeepsie next week.

He's doing laugh it up. He's just a payback fucking my stupid special doing 19 shows at the train station. I just get I love. We love that show. That sucks. You have to say that. I know, I know. Yeah, I did say I mentioned somebody Ari was on here and I mentioned a club or something.

And they fucking came out and it's like, what the fuck are like? Where is the comedy podcast? Yeah, also the club stung. So what do you want from me? I didn't lie. What was the club? Say the club again. Come on.

No, I'm not. I'm not. What does it sound like? Schmise crackers. I want it all. I want all the smoke today, boys. Let's go. Louie, you stink too.

Go back to that net. What are you doing? Making me look an asshole. It was Louis C.K. Dot net for a while. Yeah, back in the sixties. I mean, what the fuck? Who uses dot net?

Well, he was the first guy on the internet. But buddy, an amazing summer. You look absolutely fantastic. Thank you. How what has changed other? What has changed in your life other than that? You're dressing, get some new gear. You get a whole new wardrobe.

I mean, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you down to, by the way? What's the X in front of you? I have I can do an XL. Really? That's a big shot. That's big on you. This is two.

That's a two X. This is too big. So I was three XLT. You have to do the T. Sure. The tall because when you do this, thank you. Good night. Yeah, I did that one night with the belly button.

Yeah, it came out and I just saw the girl on the front row like what the fuck is that? It rose up like a doll. Fucking belly button. Hernia just came out her fucking cheesesteak. Shot out of her mouth. I think you got meatloaf under your shirt. Looks like a ham.

I think I stole a ham. It's not just fat. It does get it does get wild. The veins and the crevices and the cracks and the way the skin looks like a hand grenade went off when you do your belly button. You have a fucking scoop out your belly button. Oh, all the time.

I mean, just stuff comes out of there. I had a piece of cheese. Mine smells like cheese a lot. Mine smells. But I didn't know. I don't know if it was cheese I made in my belly button or it was cheese that fell in my belly button. If it was outdoor cheese, you're not sure.

I don't know if it was. Yeah, I don't know if it was a baby Bell Bobby over here. Fucking Cooper sharp in there. Yeah, no, everything might do it. The chicks at home are probably touching themselves right now. Ladies, take a cold shower. Yeah, I can I do the greatest thing so far. Are you pants over the belly now?

I never did that. What are you doing it now though? Right? I don't do that. Really? No, I can't. I still have a bad I have. I know people who do the I'm over the belly.

I don't do that. I think that's a cheat and I feel weird to whatever. I'm smoking mirrors here. I did I couldn't do I couldn't do it before. If I did it before, I'd look like Johnny Arbuckle or whatever his name was. But now I can kind of do it. John Arbuckle.

I don't know what his name is. Fatty Arbuckle. It's fatty Arbuckle. He's also a Farty Arbuckle. I know I go I go on there. I could never go. I felt weird pulling it up. You do it.

And when you do it, I saw you were at the pool the other day. You were doing. Oh, that was a big mistake. It looks like it looks like I wore the wrong bathing suit. Normally, it looks like you're from 1922. Would you do it, by the way? And bathing suit situations in bathing suit situations. I normally don't I normally don't do it.

But I grabbed the wrong bathing suit. So I did it. And yeah, it's a tough look at a fucking hotel pool. You're you're like a you're Hollywood fat, like your Jackie Gleason fat. I was like, everybody wears their fat different. I was just all belly. I had that Irish fucked up fat.

I had these. I had the legs of like an 87 year old woman from Worcester Massage. You got skinny legs. I got skinny chicken legs. I got huge legs. Yeah. Well, that's good.

That's because you're fucking working out all the time, carrying that torso around. You know what I mean? I should have had big legs, too. I was a fat. I was 350, dude. Yeah. Three fucking 50, bigger than any.

I was bigger than any heavyweight champ. I was bigger than most defensive lines at five eight. And it was done. I mean, my knees were going, my feet were tingling. My liver was fatty. I mean, I, you know, I was going to be one of those guys. You were cruising. I was I was you were going to be talking about me.

You're going to have a special episode dedicated to Bob and Keith was going to have to come on. Yeah, picking up all those Louis parts. You shave your head immediately. How fun? How fun? How funny? If I lose all the weight and he doesn't use me,

he uses you now. Yeah. Bobby, you were my go-to fat guy. That's why I hold planks. We were talking about on the phone the other day, like, yeah, I got to do it too. I got to do it. I'm just waiting for you to get real skinny.

Everybody else to get real skinny. I'm the only fat guy in town. Well, now I'm going to stay like this. I'm not losing it in no way. But are you doing for the, for the wardrobe re-kick? Are you going out? Yeah, you go out one day and buy like a bunch. No.

You're doing a piece. I don't know if that was what you were wearing, but you had like a finance bro kind of vest on in your episode with Greg Stone that you did on your pod. Yeah. Are you upgrading a little bit? No, not yet. You got to.

You can't. I know, but the idea of he's going to get smaller, everything that he buys is a 2X or an X. When he gets down to a large, it's all out the door. I went to Walmart like a month ago. It's like My Advance or Benjamin Button. Yeah, you only got, there's just a shelf life on those t-shirts. Hold on, you went to Walmart.

Dude, I went to Walmart and bought $400 worth of fucking outfits. That's smart. Yeah. Because you're in a holding matter. That's 17,000 t-shirts at Walmart. He owns a Walmart. I bought $400 worth of clothes at Walmart. I tell you, I went to Walmart and bought my, my wife was like,

we get you new stuff. I'm like, go to Walmart. I ain't fucking spending money and it's not going to fit in a month or two. And what's the trajectory? Right now, you're down what? So you were, were you with 350 when you got, when you went in? When I went in, I was 335 because you have to lose,

you have to lose a certain amount of weight. You can't just go in. You can't just call a doctor up and go get it done like a teeth clean. Well, we talked about that. We talked about that. I got to get my BMI down if I was going to consider doing that. You got to go in, you'll meet with the nutritionist.

You got to go to a heart guy, get your heart checked out, and then get your BMI down to a certain percentage before they go in. And then I got down to 335. So you went from 350 to 335? 350 to 335. And now the last time I weighed myself was, I think I was 350, 358.

Wait, when? 258. 258. 258. 258. Jesus Christ, you're down 100 pounds? No, 265. OK.

Sorry. Sorry, 265. I think. But I don't weigh myself. Do they say what you could be looking at? Like, were you? 200. That's right.

So 200 by when? Roughly. End of the year. End of the year, you're 200. Then you'll go and get the stuff. What's, oh, the clothes. Clothes. I'll get new clothes at when I want.

When you settle. I won't get new clothes at then either. I got to make sure. The reason why I didn't even tell anybody about this, because I didn't want. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know it was a big decision. Because you want to do it yourself.

You want to just go to the gym, eat, right? You know what the fuck to do. Sure. And you want to do it yourself. But I couldn't this time. I've done it six times before. I just couldn't do it this time. So I looked at it like a.

For people that don't know, we didn't even talk about it. Bobby has mesophilioma. Yeah, I'm dying. I'm dying right now. Part of a big lawsuit coming in. Last one he's going to buy is clothes, not at Walmart. Once that money lands. I have sepsis too.

From a pimple then my nut I popped. It just didn't hear right. Ew, really? No. Fuck it. That was a little too true, I thought. That was a little too accurate. I didn't get an infection from it.

I just popped it. Sepsis. But you had the sleeve done. I had a gastric sleeve, which is there's three things. There's the gastric bypass where they rearrange your whole shit. It's a big procedure. The little ring or whatever the fuck they call it. Band.

Band. And then the sleeve where they just make your stomach the size of a banana. And it's not invasive. It's laparoscopic. It's like a three-hour surgery. You're walking around that night. But I was looking at it.

How do they get, because I saw they do the little holes and they go in like that. How do they get the sleeve out of there? How do they get the rest of the stomach out of there? They take it out through what they have a little incision near your belly button. They just take it out. They suck that stomach right out and throw it in a pan.

Where'd that go? They feed it to seagulls up front. They used it to catch crab. Took it to Cooperstown. No, my guy made sausages with it. Bobby Haggis. Haggis. It's a good sausage.

They gave Bobby the sleeve. They'd have to give you the whole shirt. Oh, holy shit. Bring in a fucking tailor. He bought on a board. Maybe I'll wear that. Wear a foley suit. Lapin suit.

That's awesome. So you do that and then 200 pounds, man. Well, I didn't lose 200. No, I'm saying you're going to be at 200. I'll do 200. I'll probably lose. Yeah, I'll probably be like maybe a little under. We'll see, 130.

But it had to be done. Now, since then, my blood pressure is normal. Liver, normal, prediabetic, insulin level is normal. All my aches and pains are gone. Sleep apnea is gone. I sleep now at night. I actually get rested. What are you going to do with your machine?

I'm going to go out front and he rode up on a skateboard. That's how you're going to lose. Yeah. The two kickflips. Do a cartwheel down the street. And give me a wedgie. What about the, let's talk about the most important thing. What?

What's the little guy like these days? You got a little life back in him? Let me tell you something, man. Does he get a little more wiggle? Two things happen. A lot of stuff happened that I was like, this is awesome. Tying my shoe in the middle. Sure.

Actually tying my shoe. Yeah. Like standing up tying my shoe. Ooh. Fucking nuts. In the middle. I got to go on the, I got to use the bed to put my socks on. I got to start to get better now, but I, a couple months ago.

They should have came up tied yesterday in the airport. All I hear is, fuck! I go, I go, do you want to find, do you want to take care? I go, I don't want to do anything about it. I'm like, all right, man. That's the way to get the Cleveland. Dude, I got Kizzix, the Slippins. I was, I was like, fuck it.

This is the best thing I ever made. Just slip them in. But no, the two things that were incredible was, I was up in the tiny house and I took a shower. And I was, I washed my balls from the back. Jesus. Like I could, I could actually, I could actually clean my balls. I hate a girl to do that one.

From the back. From the back. I could clean my ass and clean my, you know, because to clean, get soap in your ass, I would get hurt. Like I'd have to, you know, dislocate my fucking shoulder. Sure. And put it like just, you know, like a bear rubbing on a tree. It was, wait, can you do that?

You're skinny. Can you reach behind your thing and grab your balls? Yeah, dog. You can? You can't, right? I think my arms are too short. Even when I'm less skinny, I don't think, are my balls are too tight?

Dude, I made, look at, I made this, this arms longer than this arm from wiping my ass. I literally, are you being serious? I sweat, dude, I, I, I can only wipe my ass with my left because I somehow stretch this out enough. Bobby can't go right. I can't, I could never wipe my ass with my right. I can't reach my ball bag from the back.

Ah, I can't. Are you a hooker? Dude, what the fuck? It's like a magician's injury. That's crazy, dude. You gotta put your foot up. Oh, you gotta put your foot up. I thought you were, David Copperfield down here.

I can do it from back. Look at this. Look, look, look, I can do it from here. All right, I get it. All right, I get it. I opened the shower. I was like, don't. This guy was giving himself reach around.

I go, dog, get in here. She's like, what? I'm just holding my nuts. They're all soapy. I'm like, look what I can do. Kim, let's talk about movement. Movement. Yeah, let's talk about a couple of guys just like us.

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I got my nice going out watch when me and a bird, we throw on something sexy, go out to dinner. You know what I mean? I flash the watch on the waiter. And I go, you probably think this is a couple hundred bucks. Wrong fraction of the price. I got the blue light glasses. They got the blue light glasses.

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I got Patty sniffing around on that. I know. She's like, what's the deal with that Mint Mobile? Is there hidden fees, hidden charges? I'm like, no, you dumb broad, it's 15 a month, let's go. Straightener to fuck out. What are you doing? I'm trying to.

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I'm listening. And I was jerking off one day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this before? This is after. After. I was jerking off when I was fat, like with two fingers. Like it was only, I had my dick, my-

Got the acorn going. My dick stomach was very big. Sure. So, but- Your pooch, your pouch. My little, yeah, my little- Your foopa. The mound.

My bush fat. Yeah. So. Your mound. I actually- That's a little mound. I was jerking off and I had my dick in my hand and then I got to go like this.

Really? Double handed it? I double handed it. I mean, I had to push down a little bit. Sure, yeah. Yeah, we're all gentlemen here, Bobby. You're not straight fucking two handed it. Not straight two handed it, yeah.

Come on. My fucking Shane Gillis. Yeah, I got to, my piece was back. And I was like, my dick's back. I mean, it's a lot, it's, you know, a bunch of different colors from being in a war for fucking eight years. Sure.

Hemphill was underground for a decade. Yeah. It's like a turnip. It's got PTSD. I gotta fucking leave it in the sun for like a little while. Get some light. Let it get its color. You gotta spray it with water once every allowed.

It looks like when a lake dries up, you can see the different little wrinkles. Yeah, yeah. I gotta get the life back into it, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's three inches of fucking just brown Puerto Rican cock. And then the rest is just white and the top is red like Rudolph's nose.

Fucking dinosaur fossils in there. Yeah, but it's my dick's back, which is fantastic. I mean, That'll put just even more pep in your step. Dude, no, you wake up and you're like, ah, he's still got a fucking root going here. Do you feel like you're a little more chubbed up these days down there?

My sex drives back. I mean, my wife, it's bad timing because she's pre-menopausal. So she wants nothing to do with it. But, you know, when I go to those massage parlors, those chicks are fucking. Yeah, they're on board. Look at this.

Yeah, I didn't get that for a while. Yeah, it's back. There's a lot of good things though about it, man. I mean, just being able to sleep, you don't understand how much sleep affects your day. I do. I do now since I got the machine. When I got to sleep apnea machine.

Yeah. Before that, the dude was like, bro, you probably had a decent night sleep in seven years. It's crazy. And now I use it religiously. In the beginning, I was a little off, little on. It was uncomfortable. It was this.

I wasn't washing it right, which I got a fucking terrible fucking, like sinus infection cold a few weeks ago. But now I use it fucking religiously. And it's a game changer. It's a game changer. But losing the weight is better than the sleep apnea machine. I mean, I sleep on my back now.

Like I used to have to sleep on my side. I used to get that fat position. Oh yeah. Pillow between the legs, holding a pillow, two pillows under you. My knees would hurt because my fat leg was on my other leg. This guy's hurting himself.

Yeah. It was bad, dude. It was bad. So now I feel fantastic. I feel fantastic. That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah.

I wasn't going to tell anybody, but I'm like, there's too many motherfuckers that are like me that I know, or that might, that are like, because it's the biggest decision ever. Because you don't want to get it. I'm one of them.

What do you mean? I'm one of them. And that took me, that took me by surprise when he told me that. Right. And I was like, fuck. Man, because I told you, my pulmonologist said it,

the cardiologist said it, and I don't want to do that, do that. And then you were like, dude, you wish you would have done it 10 years ago. Everybody I talked to for the last three years, because I know a lot of people, it's like being gay.

And it also takes- Because I know a lot of people and I can't like, out them. Sure. You know what I mean? But I came out- It takes a lot to come out and say that. 100%.

You know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. There's probably tons of guys that we know that had it that, oh yeah, just worked out, did this, did that. Oh, I would do that for sure. Really? Oh, I would lie to everybody.

60 pounds in two weeks. I'd be taking pictures of marathons and stuff that I didn't run. I'd be fucking, I'd really be hamming it up. Yeah, that's why it started- I'd be photoshopping me in the gym. You're just walking around with a trophy. Yeah, I got a medal.

Yeah. Jiu-jitsu medals. I'm doing it all. Like, did you hear Kevin? Yeah, he did it naturally. Tough mutters, I heard. We're in a ghee all the time. Yeah, exactly.

You got a fucking black belt with three red stripes and a dragon. I would, no, for sure. I wouldn't tell anybody, just because I want to- Let me ask you this. Is it covered under your insurance? Yes.

So you'd have to pay in a pocket? No. I think it would be covered under mine as well. It's covered under most, I feel. It's covered under most, but the process of it doing it, it was shameful, because I was like, I'm a man.

You know, I gotta- Sure. And I just couldn't do it. But then I'm like, I know guys use testosterone and steroids because that's how they get their shit together. I went to rehab for drugs and alcohol 37 years ago. So I was like, it's like going to rehab.

It's like I get, but I can't just go away for three months. It's like my stomach is in rehab right now and I get to go live my life and do what the fuck I'm supposed to do. And it gives me that little governor that just helps me, because I still have to work out every day.

I walk and I lift weights and that's it. And then I eat right. I quit caffeine, I quit sugar, but it gave me that ability- It gave you that- That two weeks of- What were you drinking before you were drinking the bone marrow before?

You're still rocking the bone marrow. Was he drinking bone marrow? Bone broth. Bone broth. Yeah, now you can't drink- I'm not bone marrow, I'd be fucking dead. Fucking bone marrow. You can drink bone marrow, what the fuck's wrong?

You can eat it. I've had it at a magnetic tavern before. You can put it on toast. You can't drink it. That's true, yeah. You can be doing shots of it. Give me a shot of bone marrow. Just put a straw and suck it up.

A marrow neat, yeah. Yeah, so I just cleaned my system out completely. So and also, what if it didn't work? What if I fucking two weeks in, I just started eating like a savage. That happens. What happened? Dude, people, you have to really-

Yeah, people eat themselves out of it, right? They break the band they've heard. Ralphie May went through two bands. Damn. He did the band surgery, he ate through it. You can, and even this, in two years, your stomach can get big again if you want it to. So it's-

Yeah, it's not just like a cure. There's a lot of work that goes along with it. It's just an aid to help you live a healthier lifestyle. I do 10, 20,000 steps a day. And you feel full when you eat. You have a little dinner, it's not the same thing as before. So when you eat, you'll have like a little piece of chicken.

And now I can eat whatever I want, if I, you know what I mean? I can have anything. So you can have a little piece of chicken, vegetables, and stuff like that. But all of a sudden, you're just full. And when we go to the dinner, I just go, I just put it aside,

and I go, I'll take that home, and I'll eat it the next day. I'll have lunch the next day. So I, you know, it's like, you used to get appetizers, two appetizers, a salad, the bread, a cappuccino, and then a whole meal would come. And then I'd fucking devour that.

I'd try a little of my wives. Yeah, that's dinner. Steal some of Max's French fries. There you go. Yeah. Now I'll just get a piece of fish, a couple things of vegetables, maybe a little piece of potato, and I'm out.

I'm just done. I eat slower now, smaller bites. But there's no more, what are we going for lunch? What are we doing for dinner tonight? I don't give a fuck. You don't give a shit. I don't care anymore, because it's like food isn't my best friend anymore.

It's not like, you know, I'm on the road, and I'm not like, what am I gonna, where am I, I don't give a fuck. I just eat a little bit of something and I'm done. Sure, keep it moving. Keep it moving, dude. Keep it moving, because I'm telling you, it does the same shit as alcohol does to your body, inside.

That's not gonna get crazy, all right? I'm telling you. Alcohol's all right in my life. Alcohol never hurt anybody. This guy's obviously a quack over here. I fucking believe this guy. Get out of here! Who brought this guy here?

In here, trash is my favorite thing in the world. Not regular alcoholics, like the bad ones. Yeah. Yeah, no. Like my parents. Me and people that are fun. If you're a real alcoholics, you get the cirrhosis of the liver, you get fatty liver.

Sure. Fat people get the same shit. I had fatty liver, just like I was drinking too much. Like pate. Pate, ooh, pate, so good. Dude, we went to fucking, when I did that tour, I did this great tour too. I set it up to where I went with Louis to Europe

before I got to surgery. So. You had one final run? Dude, did ya? Buddy, I had a- Oh, that's what we wanted. It was like prom night, baby. Dude, I was fucking everything over there.

Hey, Henry Hill before he went to the can. Dude, we got fried, we got- I'll take me to get my sleeve. Zucchini flowers with frog water in it and then fried. I mean, you bit it in with the frog water, just melted down your face. Dude, chicken skin with cream and then caviar on top. What are you doing to him?

He doesn't have the sleeve, man. He's gonna be in the table in a second. I'm hard as a rock. What are you, Bobby? You're gonna kill the goddamn guy. I got Cabanara by a castle in Rome. It comes in the fucking, the skillet. They don't even put it on the plate.

They just give you the skillet. And Cascia Pepe, the guy goes, what do you want to go on Cascia Pepe and Cabanara and give me that fucking hte pasto, too? Stuffed my face. I mean, I had a food glorious tour before. And then three days later, I came back. I lost weight, though, from walking so much.

Came back three days later. Two days after that, three days after the surgery, I was at the premiere of Fourth of July. That's what you guys saw. Yeah. Yeah, so it was, I did it the right way. I planned it out perfectly. And then right after that,

I went up country to the tiny house for two months. I was away from comedy. At the heat blow off. Yeah. I wasn't around any of the bullshit. I was just walking every day, hiking, kayak, and fishing. There was no bullshit. I went up to JFL for a little bit,

but I wasn't around any of the shit. But now, That's good. It's fucking great, dude. It's the best thing I ever did. I wish I did it. I wish I did it three years ago when I thought about it. Okay.

I wish I did it then, because I would be ahead of the game right now. It's a game changer. And I know a lot of people who did it that are in the closet with it, which is cool. I'm cool with that. But they all said the same thing. It's the best thing I ever did.

Cool. Yeah, so if you need help. Thank you. I'm here for you. Give me that number, that fucking chicken skin joint. Yeah, what are you talking about? Where in Rome was this? Yeah, where's this castle at?

Get my night suit, Toby. I hope nothing happens. I hope nothing happens. What do you mean? We're gonna come back to this thing and you're with Keith. Hey. Yeah. You guys.

You're missing a foot. He's like, Bob, will you come in and do the show with me? We can't understand him anymore. You're gonna need to be fat again because I gotta make fat jokes. Oh, Bob is a good replacement when you go. All right, here we go. Now we're cooking.

Buddy, congrats. Thank you, buddy. That's awesome. You got the special out. The fucking movie this summer, which everybody fucking... You were great. I mean, I don't want to sit here and blow you.

You were fantastic in the movie. Killer, killer, just such a fucking great actor, but also comedically great actor. Thank you, buddy. It was a great movie. It was great. I loved it. And what I loved about that movie

is that he did that premiere at the Beacon. That was one of my favorite nights ever. It was just a great, great night. Looking out and seeing every single person I knew, every comic, open micers, headliners, we all showed up for that night. It was so... It was epic to me.

It was great. I mean, I was fucking hurting because I just got out of surgery and everybody was trying to hug me. I'm like, get the fuck off me. But it was... You have a stomach over here. Yeah.

Get away. It was... That's why I love New York. I love comics in New York. It was a really cool night, for sure. A great night. Fantastic night. It was a fun experience, man.

We couldn't be happier for you, gang. Do yourself a favor. All this is at LouisCK.com. You got all the seasons of Louis that Bobby's in. You got Fourth of July and you got the brand new special, Robert Kelly Kill Box. Yeah, but go, you have to get that shit.

Get my first and then see if you like it. You're plugging the fucking competitor out. He's in all of it. What do you mean? He's not wetting his beat. He's an accomplished man. You're plugging a better comedian. Relax.

Louis specials are also on there. Check those out. Louis's got three houses. I got a three bedroom ranch with no basement. Help me. What the fuck are you talking about? I just got stomach surgery. Get the guy in the face with me.

I need new clothes. You cocksack. I'm going to Walmart. This guy's shopping at Walmart. You're plugging a millionaire special. You get to eat fried chicken. I'm fucking eating breasted chicken. Only a quarter of it.

I figured you'd wet your beak on everything. I don't know. Wet my beak? Wet my beak on the show, Louis. I got fucking eight bucks for fourth of July. What are you fucking? Dang, this is a family episode. As you know, when you sign up for the Patreon there,

you can have your question right on the air. We've got Mr. Robert Kelly here to answer some of those questions for you. Kippy? Okay. You probably stopped on that one. I just answered Blake Smith. What's up, boys?

Brand new $10 homey here. Shout out to it. Is it garbage to move to a new house and bring the entire cabinet of full expired food and spices? You do that? To go to a new house and bring the old food? Yeah. It's garbage if you bring the old furniture.

Yeah. You think? You fucking put that shit on the lawn. They get a brand new leopard couch for 200 bucks. You get a leopard couch? An old bottle of Lowry's. Yeah, dude, you get rid of everything. The only thing you're bringing,

I mean, I don't even say bring the mattress, just bring the bed frame. You bring shit that's hard to get or furniture from your dead grandmother. It's like, yeah, something that has like a piece rather than like, oh, this is the couch we were just using. It's like, yeah, get a new couch. Get it?

And also, I don't like move and shit. I'll go, I'll fucking pay the guy to deliver it. The new one, start fresh, whole nine years. I don't want to wrap the shit. I don't want to be in there wrapping dumb glasses and put them in the box. I make sure, the two times we moved, I was away. I booked myself away, because I know my wife

had to do all that shit on my egg. I'll be a bananas in Jersey, babe. I can't make it. I'm staying over. Yeah. 35 minutes away. 32 minutes away. I gotta stay here.

It's fucking shit. They need me at the club early. I'll be at the stress factory for a week. Call me when it's done. Moving is the worst, one of the worst transitions in life. It's so stressful. Once you get everything in there though, it's all right.

Yeah, but get rid of it. Yeah? Toss it. We brought this stuff from the- Start fresh to leave all those old memory, all that old shit. Cause it's not like nobody's got a $10,000 couch where you're like, I gotta move this in.

We're all sitting on something from fucking Wayfair that has cum and fucking pizza sauce on it. I mean, who are we fooling here? We brought the stuff. We moved last summer from a one bedroom into a two bedroom in the same building. We took everything in the freezer. I brought it from the freezer.

Well, that's a different thing. Hang on one second. That's different. That's the same building. You're taking an elevator upstairs. Okay. Also, you were quite poor at that time. Yeah.

Yeah. I needed throwing away your eggos. I needed that hamburger meat. That's a 15 minute move. I know. I mean, yeah. The super does it. Yeah, we're talking about when I moved

from 47th Street to Westchester. Okay. But when I moved from LA to New York, you don't take shit. You left the ice trays. Yeah, you fucking throw them all out. You toss every get it, they'll fuck. When I was in LA and we was selling our stuff to move,

I had all this furniture out in the lawn, all this stuff and no one was buying anything. And the lady comes up. She goes, do you have like jacket socks, like shirts, like old stuff that you, I was like, I was gonna give it to Goodwill. She goes, no, put it out in the grass. Everything's a buck.

And you know, all the people will come because it was kind of a low budget area we were living in. They need that shit. And so they'll come all of a sudden packed. Everything's gone. I sold a pair of socks for 50 cents. Dom Deleuze bought my, I swear to God. Wait, who?

Dom fucking Deleuze. Okay. You know that is? All right, listen, I knew you're gonna cop a toot. I know the name. You know that is? I know the name. No, no fucking Clint Eastwood.

I know we should have been buying your socks. I know that. You didn't buy my socks. He bought my egg cooker. Oh my God. He bought my microwave egg cooker. I feel like I've heard this before. What the fuck?

I haven't heard this. He bought my, I look up. There's a two door Lincoln fucking Saville, whatever the fuck it is. I look over, it's Dom Deleuze. Little scally cap, little chubby dude. I walk up and go, Dom. He's like, hey, do you want my egg cooker?

No, he goes, he goes, how much for the, I had two of them. I had a brand new one that your microwave and one that you plug in and they cook eggs. And he goes, how much for the egg thing, kid? And I go, take the, the microwave one. It's brand new. He goes, I don't like microwave stuff.

I want the other one. I go, but there's egg on it. He goes, I don't care. I go, I go. Even better. Yeah. Free lunch. He literally starred in a movie called Fatso.

My favorite movie of all time. Best movie of all time. It's a good movie. I want to remake it with you. Okay. Yeah. Don't get the surgery yet. I'm in.

If you get, yeah. I want you to be one of the chubby checker. Remember the chubby checkers? Uh, I don't know if I remember him. They came up when he was, they called them and they come in, the big fat guys come in and they were, they were, he over eight and they come in, they talk to him

and they're sitting down and they're talking about, like, give it, get a jelly donut and suck the jelly out and put chocolate in it. Yeah. Like, well, did you ever get, then they started going over the food wars. They started going back in the memories. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're like, get the honey. Can I have a little honey in this junior? And he's like, we can't, we don't have honey. You can't have any. And like, get the honey, junior. He's like, but you can't dump. And the guy goes, get the honey. And then they just rip apart the kitchen.

They push him out of the way. They punch his stomach. The keys pop out of his mouth. Yeah. What the fuck is going on in this movie? If you're a fat fuck, go watch Fatso. He was in Cannonball Run. You never saw Cannonball Run?

Oh my God. You see five Italian movies from Scorsese? That's it? You just watched The Godfather. You didn't? Hey, did you tell me you watched The Godfather the other day? Yeah, I had mentioned I watched it not for the first time.

I watched it on the plane. I didn't watch it for the first time. Okay, fair enough. You never saw the movie Fatso? No. What year did it come out? I mean, this is another. 1980.

Yeah. I was born in 86. Something like that. Dude, I was a Three Stooges fan. I wasn't born in the 40s. Yeah, dude. Dude, they're from the 40s? Yes.

30s or 40s? Really? What did you think it was from? 70s? Yeah, what do you think? 82? 82. Right before it goes, Buster's did that.

Yeah, I like Creature Double Feature. I wasn't around during that time. I mean, yeah, no. I mean, also, I don't think Fatso was a classic that. Are you out of your mind? Won the Academy Award. For what? For what?

For what? For what? For what? For what? For what? For what? For what? His sister in the movie.

And it's shot all in the West Village by the cellar. That's where he grew up. His family grew up over there. It's based on his family, because they're all Fat Fuck Italians. So, yeah. Okay. It's like a true story.

If you're a fatty, that you need to watch that movie. That's like your movie. Okay, I'll check it out. He's standing by. That's your passion of the Christ. Yeah, I'll tell you dude. Angels and demons.

There's so many fat moments. I mean, the beginning of the movie, his fat cousin died, he's huge. And they're like, don't get grandma a glass of water. He goes in the thing and then he's stirring the sauce. And he's crying so bad. No one cries better than Dom Deleuze in a movie. He's crying, then he dips the sauce.

Yeah, he starts eating. Dips the bread in the sauce and then he pours cheese on it. And he takes a bite and it all goes, he's like, and it just goes away. I'm like, oh, I've been there so many fucking times. But yeah. So anyways, yeah, Dom Deleuze pulled up.

And he bought the plug-in one, not the microwave-able one. He bought the plug-in one with eggs on it. And he goes, what do you do for a living kid? And I go, I'm a stand-up comedian. He goes, ha, ha. And he just drove away. Will you sign my egg cooker? Yeah, I'm so saddy.

I thought maybe you wanted to take me in the car, get a hand job or something. I get an autograph. Also, that's such a sad, like Dom Deleuze's movies. You love his movies, movie stars, buying old egg cookers. Buying old egg cookers. That's the greatest thing ever. Well, I don't know.

Are you nuts? Yeah. Dom Deleuze, God sent him to me. That's a universe thing. That's a, I made it happen. It's more sad for Dom, not you. No, why? You met nice old-

Just because it's successful. He's driving around buying a used egg cooker. Dude, he went home and he cooked some eggs. He could buy a new egg cooker. I made it easier for him. He did fatso. The greatest movie of all time. Yeah, it was in the 80s.

This was fucking 97. He had no money at that point. Bert Reynolds told him to go fuck himself. Looking for a used George Foreman guy. I helped him out. What the fuck? He's in a Tudor Seville Lincoln. It's not a Mercedes.

He's driving American. He's not that rich. I pictured him with a driver, to be honest with you. I did too. No, he pulled up. It was great. I fucking loved Dom Deloitte. All right.

Well, yes. Fatso's added to the list. Sell your shit. Okay. Do not take spices, spice. That reminded me of my mom bought our shore house and I was, for years, we've had it like 10 years now at this point.

And I was like, these are expired. She kept the spices from the previous owner. Jesus. And I was like, why don't we have this? She goes, oh, that was here from when we bought the house. I'm like, fucking torch this place. This is funny. I mean, someone else's pepper.

That's weird. Oh, wait, really from, oh my God. They left their spices in. I'm like, all this shit's old. She goes, oh, I don't know. That was in there when we bought that house. Yeah. Sell the cans.

They're worth money. Yeah, they're probably super old school. Catch an old bullion cube. Yeah. McHenry. Not dissolved. McHenry's pepper can. It's worth $1,000.

It's like an old Rolex. Lemon pepper. Do you have any pre-war salt? Lemon pepper was always in the back of the spice thing. We never fucked with it. And we always get cakey and stick together. You ever see lemon pepper? I didn't fuck with it.

I like garlic pepper. Garlic pepper, garlic salt. Garlic salt, sorry. Garlic pepper, that's a good one. That's good. Yeah. I like it. All right.

Well, next one. This one's just funny. This is from the Scooke. Is it garbage to wear colored Tims to a construction site because they're your only bear of boots? Saw that guy working on the Queensboro Bridge in a set of red Tims yesterday. It was fucking rich of us.

That's a tough look, man. Shown out with color-coordinated Tims. They're low tops on Tide. That's bad news. That ain't good. You got to go to the traditional Tims. Traditional work boot, Tim. Yeah.

You got a pair of boots? What are you rocking? You probably got some cool rock climber boots. I got the, you know, that. You got a set of galoshes? I got the dominant gay guy, gay club boot. You know what the? Like the high?

Like up to the knees? You know those boots that a lot of gay guys wear with chaps? I got those. They're like a high heel boot. Like Doc Martins? Kind of like that, yeah. OK. Yeah, I don't.

Where did you get them? I got them from this gay guy I was with. This gay guy I was with. Him and Dom Deleuze driving around our ways. I got them from Dom Deleuze. Keep the boots, kid. Thanks for the blowjob. And the eggs.

No. Yeah, I'm not a boot guy. I don't like Tims. I don't like the work. Did you get new sneakers at least? You get new pairs all over the woods. Oh, dude, I got the best sneakers in the world. What are you rocking?

Set of kicks. If you're a fat fucker, these are the 280X12's new balance. It smells like a fighter jet. Look at that fucking shoe. It's a slip-on. I mean, if you're a fat fuck and you don't have a new balance. I feel like the slip-on's tough, though, because don't you like? Start doing the squishy, man.

You get hold it in and stuff, no? No. OK. I'm not a slip-on. Now it's going to fight. You know I'm not a slip-on guy? I love it. He's thinking I'm going to be able to give his shoe back on.

Toby, hit him with the shoe cam real quick. Boom. There you go. With authority, Mr. Kelly. Woo-wee. That's what I'm talking about. How bad his shoes when you chubby. That was the worst.

We got to do a talent show with recently skinny guys just doing basic shit. Up there wiping my ass. Ew. Two hands in it. We have the fat guy Olympics. What's the socks and shoes time? I think he just broke the record.

You have to do it without sitting on the bed. Yeah, I don't. Dude, anybody with colored, coordinated, anything kind of bugs me. I feel like that's back in the day. That was like early 2000s. That got real big, at least in the hip hop. It was like the hat matched the shirt, which matched the shoe.

Once shoes got real, shoes and jerseys and hats got cool. Yeah, black guys look like skateboarders did back in the day now. You know what I mean? They got some weird shoes, some Nike colorful. I can't stay up on the cool shoe trend. Yanni does it. Yanni's got some cool kicks.

I don't like that because you would somebody with nice sneakers and if it rains out, they have to run to the car. I did it last night, actually. I got hemmed up when a new pair of shoes and it was raining. I was like, we're going to take an Uber home. It was like three blocks. My wife's like, we are not. That's silly to me.

You can eat shoes. But they were expensive shoes. How expensive? $150. That's not fucking expensive. The ruin after one week. Sky just shot 400 at Walmart. What are you talking about?

Any time we're over here. Sneakers, you just get them wet. You're supposed to get them fucked up. I know, but it was more like I just got out. It was like the third time I wore them. I don't give a fuck about shoes. I don't care about shoes. You were just bragging about your shoes.

I'm talking about comfortable. These are comfortable. I'm talking plantafasciitis. I'm talking hammered though. But you know as a bigger guy, you get your shoes wet. You're in trouble. Those shoes are done. It's like numb.

Because they're going to start kicking. They're going to start stinking. It's going to be a bad scene. Yeah, toss them. Get a brand new pair. He doesn't do that, though. He doesn't keep up good maintenance. What do you mean?

I display a little cologne in there and put them by the radiator. In your fucking shoe? Yeah, make them smell good. Like a guinea? You miss. I don't know what the Italian Americans are doing. Like a French whore walking around there?

You're going to hook a shoe? I do. If I took these off, they'd be kicking. Yeah, I don't do that. I toss them. Good fucking buy. OK. Yeah, I used to have a guy, a friend of mine,

and a mafia. And every time he went to his house, he'd make you take your socks off. The sock? To make sure you're not wearing a wire? That's what I would. That was my first thought, like Donnie Branson. Nah, he had a closet full of brand new socks

and he made you put new socks on. He's like, there's no reason you should wear dirty socks. I don't hate that. It's cheap enough. You can buy a pair of socks, have me a thing, wear a pair of new socks every day. Every day is a lot. I think you're right.

That's a lot, but I'm in. I like it. As soon as a sock gets a little goodbye, throw it out. Yeah? I just started doing that. What is it, $6 for $12? I just re-upped on the socks throughout all my old ones and put a whole fresh thing in there.

There's nothing better than fresh socks. A fresh sock, a fresh pair of underwear. Fresh socks, fresh undies. I mean, whatever you're wearing on the outside, on the inside, you feel good. Feel good. Yeah. I just bought a fresh set of good fellows from Target.

Shout out to them, man. Are you a good fellows, man? What the fuck is good fellows? It's like their brand. It's Target's brand. Dude, their underwear and socks are fucking awesome. They're good. Do yourself a favor.

And you know what? You can get some cheap stuff in the meantime over there at Target. The good fellow brand, they have all kinds of nice shirts and joggers and shit like that. Are they a sponsor of the show? No. Oh, really?

You're just a fan. Wow. Also, if you need me, check out ButcherBox. But I'm just saying, you know, that's me. Me's a fucking asshole. Can't have meat. Have you been listening? Wait, you can?

You can't have meat? I can eat meat, but I can't. I'm not going to buy a whole box of this shit. It doesn't need a box. It's going to take me six years. It'll be 98 making fucking steak tips. Oh, did you break the news to Dom Steak Tips that you're out of the game?

They're probably closing right now. Just a guy hanging hammering in a fucking piece of plywood. Like a hurricane's coming. No, I could just. It was all good to that Bobby Wayne got that goddamn sleeve. You got to think about that, too. You're going to shut down. You're going to financially impact a lot of businesses.

There's a class action lawsuit of a bunch of deli workers getting together. One of my best friends, Paul G, just, I mean, it's sad. It made me, he just opened a pizza place. It's been my dream my whole life to have a good friend that had a pizza place where I could just walk in and just get a pizza place. And I go in there now and I can't eat.

I don't eat anything. It's sad. Now, yeah, I can still have steak tips. I can just have one. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of sucks. That ain't going to pay to rent up in Boston. No, no, unfortunately.

I do miss that. Yeah, you got to be careful. Look at you guys that make me relapse. I'm going to fucking rip through this in the afternoon. He's going to be on Uber Eats on the way out of here. Make you feel guilty. You can see me in a ramen shop. Yeah, no, I can eat whatever I want,

but I can have just one steak tip, which does suck. You ever have steak tips? I don't know. I should have brought it back. I have a freezer in my, I should give you guys my old clothes and all my meat. Your old clothes and your old steak tips. Yeah, you got any spices too?

I'll take them. I'll be telling the story of 20 years. Bobby Kelly's steak tips right here. He pulled up in a pair of New Balance X-29s. I'm telling you right now. X-29s. You said that like they were government issues. You dropped the model number, the skew, the whole nine.

Any fat guy knows 1080 fucking 12s of the sneaker to go. 1080, 12. It's the fat guy sneaker. Nike stink, too thin. Like you need them wider. I need a wide shoe and I need a lot of cushion. A lot of cushion. The Nike, the flat bottom,

it's like we're in a high heel for a fat guy. I usually do this one type of Adidas. I can't think of what model it is, but they're pretty cushiony. What size shoe are you? 11 and a half, 12. Why you got a big piece? No.

You don't have a big dick? No. Really? It's in there. It's okay. But it's also underground. Yeah. Hibernating.

Yeah. It's off the grid. Yeah. It's laying it low, laying it right. No credit cards, no stuff though. Selfless six months. It would be nice. If I was a much skinnier, when I was younger, it was great.

Yeah. But now it's, yeah. It's gone. It's bogged down. It'll come back. Yeah. You'll get it back. Yeah, divorce, all that kind of stuff.

Couple of investments didn't go his way. He's not doing great. He lost his shirt in Bitcoin. The housing market really cleaned them out. Yeah, Shibu Inu fucking took them out. Fucking Louis Gomez, that cock sucker. Making me think, dude, you gotta get about doggy. Get Shibu Inu fucking motherfucker.

No, but he's in there. He's all right. Yeah. He's coming back. Yeah. Can you see him? I see him every once in a while. Nights and weekends.

And a mirror. You have to look at each other in a mirror like prison. I got joint custody. I talked to him on the phone. I'll see you later, kid. You doing all right, man? Put an iPad down, you face down. I got you knocked over a bread truck.

Ah, poor little guy. All right, let's see. This one's from Tracy McGrady. Ever get a massage at the mall? 100%. Really? Really? Like in the chair when you're heads in that thing?

No, sometimes they have them now because the malls are empty, like they're a store. And you go in and it's like, you know. No, I can't get a massage. Smell fucking pretzels cooking. Yeah, and he ends right down the block. Dude, I got a big massage. I'll go to those chop shops where it's like a dollar a minute.

I went to one up here and the guy brought me in and put me down on the thing. And then 20 minutes in, I looked down. There was just guy feet in women's flip flops. Really? Big hair toes. And I looked up and he goes, we were busy. And I was like, hey, fuck that guy.

Keep going. I have a girl, a woman I use in my neighborhood and I guess she couldn't make it. So they sent her, I'm guessing husband. Rocco. Who came from another job. Like he had like work boots on. He had a set of.

Were they red? Were they matching? He had a set of keys on his, and like a club foot. So like he like his, he would walk around. He's in the middle of a loop job. Dude, it was bad. You got oil over your back. I still got the handy, but you know.

Calluses on your phone. Oh dude, it was, no amount of oil would soak up. It was still like grip tape on my back. That's fucking good. It was bad. I went to, I've been to, I got at the airport. But I didn't get just the chair when I went in the back room.

That's all right. Airport, you're traveling, you're stressed. You got to release it. You got time, a layover. I've done it in the mall. Fucking some fat lady next to me getting one. I tried to get a hand job in one of those in the mall. You can't do it at the mall, Bobby.

Yes you can. You go two hours just legs, breaks them down. Like I'm not doing two fucking here. Just what you want. You're out in 15 minutes. Two hours just legs. Two hours just legs. Keep your reservation at the cheesecake factory.

I like what's going on with the malls these days. They're actually pretty fun. They got those kinds of places. They have the BB gun shooting galleries. There's usually a Dave and Buster's in there. Cause they're all tanking. So now like they use like, it's like experience stuff. It's kind of fun.

Like the game, like the arcades and like they want people to go to like do stuff rather than shop. Yeah, you go the Palisades mall. Is that your mall? That's my mall. That's my mall. Where are you? I'm in Washington Heights.

Okay, yeah. I'm right by the GWB, but I like getting out, get hop in the car, go to like an actual mall rather than doing 50 different stores in the city. They got the movie theater, right? They got the go-karts. Comedy club. They got the rock climb.

Yeah, they got the, what else? What's an all right mall? High skating rink now? Whoa. Yeah, they got a nice skating rink in there. I have to check me the bird off the go-kart. They got the monkey, the monkey things. Yeah, yeah, that's, no, I'll never fucking do that.

You're nuts. No, the monkey things. It's like a fucking trapeze climbed thing. Cause it's like a four story mall, which I don't like by the way, cause you get lost on the floors of like, what's wear and shit like. Yeah, but I like that.

I love getting lost in a mall. What, they have a rock wall? Now, but it's like, it's in the, the trio. You hook, you hook, you get into a harness. It's like a ropes course. That's the best side. It's a ropes course. Yeah, it's like a, you walk around.

But it's like five stories high. Oh, I didn't even have to fuck that. They have a Ferris wheel. Ferris wheel, food court kind of sucks. Food court blows. They used to be. No Chick-fil-A. No Chick-fil-A, but they do have a Chipotle,

which is all right. Yeah, but every mall should have a fucking Chick-fil-A. I bet you should have a Chick-fil-A, and you'll remember this in Orange Julius. Remember in Orange Julius? I do remember that. That's old school mall. That's like first mall ever.

And a Sparrow. It should be a Sparrow in your food court. Sparrow. Yeah. I love a slice of pizza at the mall. It's just for comfort. There's gotta be a Sparrow on the floor. Dude, first of all, they're this big.

They're great. You get two at M, and a large, a large diet coke, call it a day. I like the sushi place with the spinning thing, where you just grab the plate, and they charge you by the call of the plate. Ooh, I don't know that. Dude, that's at the Palisades Mall.

That's SeaWorld, Bobby. What, even the VIP section? Sorry, you're right. I'll take three bunkers. Dude, fuck. And a mackerel. I don't walk on a treadmill, I eat off of it. Sir, get off the table, please.

You missed something, you're chasing it down? It's like the luggage rack at the airport. It's running around. Me and Patrice, me and Patrice. California rolls mine. Check the tags on it, it's mine. At the sushi place, at that mall, fourth floor, you, there's, it's just-

Fourth floor is wild. It's nuts. Fourth floor. It just goes around like the luggage thing at the airport, and you just grab one. Around the home mall? No, not, yeah, you sit anywhere. No, it's in the fucking restaurant.

I'm down here next to Macy's, waiting on a goddamn spring roll. You get a massage. No, I know, I don't think I've ever, I've never been there before. I've never seen one of those in the mall, but I've seen them. The best sushi place ever,

because the guy's just making sushi, and you're right here, and the conveyor belt's right here. So you just see something, you grab it, and you eat it. And then they come and just add up your plates, blue, pink, green plate, red plate, and it's different prices.

$2, $5, $10, $2, $5, whatever, right? And you just eat as much as you want. You don't have to, like, you know- You don't have to order, hey, can we get another one of these? Yeah, you can just overeat, and nobody knows this stuff. Like, it looks like you're doing dishes.

Bobby's a bus boy. Yeah, exactly. I brought these from home. Me and Patrice actually made a place in Vegas. Changed the rules, it was all you can eat sushi, and the bitch was like, she went, you have to finish what's on your plate before you order again.

And we were like, where's that rule? She goes, now it's the rule. They made the rule. She wrote it on a piece of paper and like stuck it up, because we were just fucking, we had like $7,000 worth of sushi. Sure, yeah. Just take them to the fucking cleaners.

Yeah, it was great. That's awesome. What was your last official bang bang with Louie? With Louie. Yeah, isn't that who you did it with? I did it on the show, but not with him. Who would you do it with? I would do it with myself a lot.

Dude, I remember, I mean, I think my last official was Bon Chon. Bon Chon. Bon Chon, I'm sorry. Okay. I apologize. No problem. I know you're fucking.

I got a nickel in the company. I had a stock in the company, Bon Chon. You racist. I say Bon Chon, you say Bon Chon. Sure, it's Bon Chon. Korean chicken. It's Bon Chon. Is it?

It's Bon Chon. And the goddamn United States of America boy. It's goddamn Bon Chon, all right? Yeah. Called Barry Williams. You fucking communist. Bon Chon. Yeah, Bon Chon.

I had Bon Chon. And then I went and got a club sandwich with French fries. That's just so strange. Well, I just, I really wanted a club sandwich, but then there was a Bon Chon. And I was like, I have to get the fucking Bon Chon. Yeah, you gotta pop in. Say hi.

It's the best fried chicken in the world. Yeah, it's all right. I mean, it's better than, what chicken beats Bon Chon? What? Korean fried chicken's pretty awesome. It's the fucking best. That would be Thai though, is Bon Chon Thai? No.

Is it Korean? No, it's Korean fried chicken. What are you looking at? I'm crazy. I don't like the fact he corrected his fucking pronunciation, but you don't even know what country it's fucking from. It's one, it's over there. I mean, that's what I was saying.

Bon Chon, who gives a fuck? Bon Chon. Toby? I know who we're talking about. Toby, we're doing a goddamn podcast over here. And you screwed me on the dot net, by the way. All right, let's see. We gotta bang out a couple more of these.

This one's from RWM. Are you garbage if you entirely cut up your steak before eating it? Yes. That's crazy. I would, I'd fucking leave the table. Yeah, that's crazy. If somebody did that.

Let me taste it. I just learned that you're not, not just, but learned it way too late in life that you're not supposed to do that. I've returned a steak, cause they cut it. Whoa. Why would they cut it? Because it was their thing.

Oh, are they sliced it? They sliced it for me. I'd be okay with that. Fuck you. Whoa. Fuck you. This is what I'm hearing. When you get a steak, I want to see that motherfucker.

I want to see what I'm about to eat. I want to go here and then maybe go over there. Was it still together when you got it though? It was fucking filleted, like they sliced it and then put it out and made a presentation. Oh, okay, yeah. Fuck you. Nah, I got you.

You get a steak, you want it to hit that table as is. And then I cut my steak. Okay. You don't cut your steak, cause first of all, if you cut the steak, you're letting the juices out, so it stops cooking. True. You want that thing to, when you cut it,

it's hot inside. If you cut it open, now it's cold. So you're eating a fucking cold steak, it's stupid. You're supposed to cut it as you eat it and then every bite is warm. I like it. I'll give you that. What do you get in your steak?

Medium rare? Medium rare, medium rare. I don't like people get rare. So I fucking, just go bite a cow. I like medium rare. Yeah, if you cut it all up and then eat it, that's psychopath behavior. Yeah, that's crazy.

I was doing that for a long time. You cut the whole thing up. With everything. You cut the fucking steak? For real? Not, I mean. What are you, Jeffrey Dama? I bet you say, not steak now.

I don't, not anymore, but it took me a while. I think my wife has like made fun of me. And I was like, oh yeah, I totally know what I'm talking about. Good for her. Yeah. Yeah, good for her. She's a little refined.

How do you hold a knife and fork? Like this. Do you do like the, is the fork? The fork upside down. Upside down like that? I'm sorry. No, I hold the fork like this. What way is the fork?

The fork is facing down. Facing down. Sure. I put it in the thing. But is the back, the underside of the fork facing me right here? Or is the front? The front is facing you.

Ooh. You could do both. Yeah, I think the back's classy. I think you could do both. Yeah, you could do both. The inverted. You probably should. Inverted.

But I like the way kind of the knife goes down the thing. Sure, I get that. I'm with it. Because if it goes that way, it kind of goes a little off to the side. Cut it, and then you put it in your mouth. Okay.

Or if you're a real man, you fucking eat it like this, like a dick. Don't forget to cut the balls from the back. You suck on that steak. I love a steak. You get the mutton chop yet? What?

Keens. Now, it's old lamb. It's a mutton chop. Really? It's keens. It's right up the street. I know keens. It's the best.

They only started allowing women going there like 10 years ago. Really? That's why I stopped going. I mean, kind of, yes. I think 30 years ago, they were like, all right, you broads can come in. It's all clay pipes on the ceiling?

Yeah. From back in the day, all these famous people. It was a men's steakhouse. They make a really good, what's it called? Wedge salad. The blue cheese wedge salad. I love a wedge.

Who does it? I mean, who does it? If there's a wedge or a Caesar. Let's go. Let's go. Keens. No, I'm just saying. Like, let's go.

We'll go. We'll go someday. All right, let's put a crouton or something. Let's put a fucking crouton on. Have a buddy a mutton chop. I have a little piece of your wedge. I'll be done. You start living through me,

making me go and eatin' places. Hey. Just watch me eat. Order the Calamari. Order the Calamari. Get the club sandwich next. I just smell your fingers. I'm a food cook, dude.

I'm a food cook, dude. Somebody eat my steak, dude. Come over and eat with my wife so she feels comfortable. Big bowl of spaghetti. You're great, Bobby. Thanks. You're filming me from a chair.

I'm just licking my wife, but I can only eat her for a minute because I'm full. All right, this one's from Cody. $10 buffoon here. He's asked this question a lot, so we gotta get to it. While growing up,

did your house have a designated puke bowl or container that you would go to and use when you got sick? Like if you were sick on the couch, it would bring in, mine was always the trash can from the bathroom. The little trash can from the bathroom. 100%.

Trash can from the bathroom came out and they put a new bag in it. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't do bags. I think we just barebacked it. I think so. Put a new bag next to the couch.

I don't think we had bags in it to begin with. You didn't have bags in the trash can in the bathroom? No, no, no, not at all. That would just be a special thing. After 2005, that happened. Dude, you gotta put a bag. You can't puke into a fucking plastic can. We would put a bag in there

when that was brought up for that, but normally, no, there was never anything. When you puke, you have to have a bag in it. I think we just raw-dogged it. Jesus. Dude, that's fine. You throw the can out after, you kept the can. Kept the can.

You need a trash can? Where'd you put the puke? Who's got that much trash can? Where'd you put the puke? I guess he would dump it out in the stationary tub. In the stationary, in the tub? No, like the utility sink, maybe. I don't know, I wasn't doing it.

That's wild. But now we didn't have a bag in the trash can in the bathroom because you would always see like a Q-tip would be stuck to the bottom of it. You had to scrape it out. Oh, man. Cotton balls and shit. I would get the trash can from the bathroom

with a bag in it. Okay, that's good. Yeah, or you just run to the toilet. I mean, the toilet is the puke can. Sure. Yeah, but then you gotta get up, you got your ice pops and fucking, there's nothing, your show's going on.

Yeah, but when you fucking puke into the toilet, you get to just lie there in the cold floor in between pukes. That's a cold floor, it's nice. There's nothing better than a bathroom tile floor. And then the bottom of the bowl is usually a little cold with some condensation. Splash some water on your face.

Take a sip. Take a sip of water. Really clean yourself out. Well, this kid, they used to use a bowl of Tupperware. And then he said, also bonus garbage. Did your mom use that same bowl to make macaroni? Oh, what the fuck? I mean, you can shit on my mom

for making me puke in a trash can if that's wild to reuse that bowl. That's insane. I mean, that's crazy mom shit right there. Yeah. I mean, nothing against your mom dude, but she didn't love you. I mean, am I?

You say macaroni. I mean, dude, taking it, first of all, Tupperware. It's not a lot of puke. You can't gauge puke. I mean, it's probably one of the big like salad bowls. I just, like a big mixing bowl. That's the worst. Dude, that's like sloshing around.

Oh, fuck that. Damn. Some animals out there. I mean, that's just nuts. And the bowl, it hits the, you need a can. You need it to go to the bottom and hit flat. Yeah. You can't, that can ricochet out.

Hop and come. Hit the cat in the face. You know what I mean? Now she's puking. Oh. The toilet is the best. The toilet's the best. Everything goes away real quick.

Like it never happened. Jeff, this happened to me yesterday. I did a Christie's podcast over there. Shout out to Christie Day. The best. And then. Love them. Giannis to a love Giannis.

Wish they get back together. Love Gianni. Come on kids. Let's work it out. Why did something happen? I had to take a shit so bad. I got nauseous while I was shitting. Oh, that'll happen.

That's a dilemma. Yeah. What do you do? Man. It's a game time decision. You got to see what you can quell faster. What did you do? I'll tell you what I did, because I'm a pro.

You shit. Shit between your legs. Bobby can do that now. I'm gonna do that now. What's this? I shit under my balls. Brought Gianni in. You got to see this.

You shit flush immediately, right? If you can, you wipe a little bit. If not, you're all right. And then you puke. And this was at Christie's house? Yeah, but I didn't puke. I just had the puke mouth, the saliva. So I shit immediately.

The runoff. You have to flush immediately. Because if you're gonna puke, and then you don't want to puke into your shit, because this shit might come back up, and now you get a puke shit in your face. I'm aware. Been there, baby.

The great punk band named puke shit. You shit in my face. Yeah. I like their early stuff. So I flushed shit, shit flushed, spit the puke water. Flushed, then went back down. Shit the rest. Wiped, and then spit again.

Flushed, washed. Good to go. Jesus. All at someone else's house. That's crazy. If not, the other alternative, you puke in the sink. While you're shit. Or the bathtub.

What'd you tell them? Or if your family just puke in a plain bucket. It's right there. Yeah, just wash that out. Did you reveal this to everybody in the house that that's what happened? Or did you say you were combing your hair or something like that?

No, I told them. They turned the shower on. Bobby, what are you doing in there? I did turn the water on. Your garbage, if you don't, if you're shitting at somebody's house and you don't leave the faucet running. Always.

That blocked the noise. You're a fucking piece of shit. Dude, you want to hear something real classy. I was just at my wife's house and they have my wife's parents' house and they have a bathroom off like the living room, which is also like connected to the kitchen or whatever, like their powder room or whatever.

They have, when you turn the light on. No, when you turn the light on, they have it hooked up that a radio starts playing. So it drowns out any sound. I was like, what the fuck? I'm like, why is this? And she's like, oh, that's just so you have your own, like, you have your noise privacy.

He asked her, queefed during dinner. German metal man starts playing. He's like, oh, don't watch the ram's dying. Ram's dying. Flames start shooting out the front. Air freshener flames. Just Fevri's with a light up. All right.

Yeah, that's great. The Germans are kooky. That's fucking great. That's genius. That's pretty classy. I have actually bought my fucking wife's barn doors on some stupid, you know, show on TV. She put them on the bathroom and the guest bathroom.

Oh, I hate that. Dude, barn doors on a guest bathroom is not airtight. What do you mean barn doors? Like a sliding, John. Like a barn. It's on a track. It's like a big wooden door with the metal. I thought you meant like when you walk into a saloon.

That's a saloon door. That's a saloon door. Yeah. Yeah, there's a house door. Yeah. You're in there taking it off, it's just a half seat. You can see your feet in your head. You open it up.

How you doing, partner? I was just being, I swear to God. Saloon doors for you taking it shit. That's funny. When I went to Iraq and I was, what the fuck was that? I went to Iraq. They don't have stalls. They just have holes.

They have toilets. Like the army? The army. So I had to go, I didn't know that. So I had to go take a dump like the first night I was there. I would have held it for two weeks. 100%. Dude, I'm just dumping with the dude across from me.

I don't like peeing in front of people, let alone dropping a deuce. I was like, what's up dude? And then I had to go do the show. He was like, second row. He just kept looking at me like, dude, I just saw you shit. You can't bounce back from that. That's a man though.

Those are men. Oh yeah, true. They just shit. You're not the first guy he saw shit that day too. That's what, yeah, when you're a guy. It's like jail rules, you know what I mean? But I did tuck my pecking down. I want him to see that little mushroom cap.

You have your underwear pulled all the way up to your, my jacket over my fucking pocket. I got his big army dick in front of me. Just taking a load off, yeah. He's got his dick on the outside of the toilet, just taking a rest. Peeing in the other toilet. All right, we gotta wrap it up.

Bobby. What's up buddy? Bobby, we love you. Yeah, I love you too. Congratulations. Thank you. Gang, one more time, brand new special, Robert Kelly Kill Box, luicck.com,

direct by Mr. Luis. Or RobertKellyLive.com. RobertKellyLive.com. It's fantastic. He's a fucking killer. Check it out. A killer. I didn't know it was on that website.

You told me on the phone it was. I wouldn't have been pushing Louis this whole time. Robert Kelly Kill Box. Check it out. What do you got for him? You got anything else you want the folks that don't know? No, nothing. Go get the special.

I owe Louis a lot of money. And I don't want to be in debt. It's a great special. I think it's a fucking, I'm proud of it. You know, sometimes you see the stuff you do. You're like, fuck me. This one is great. It looks great.

Nothing like it. I'm proud that one of the funniest guys walking actually directed it and produced it. And that means a lot to me too. I love that we're all doing our own shit now. We're not waiting for a yes. We're not waiting for a no. We're just doing it.

And we're all helping each other out now, which is fantastic too. We don't need to go on The Tonight Show. God bless it. We don't need to do all this other stuff. For radio tours. We just fucking go on each other's shows. Everybody help each other, baby.

And our fans fucking help everybody. The best. We just do our own thing now. So thanks for having me on you guys. The best. Of course buddy. Hopefully see you on YKWD soon. And let me know if, you know.

You'll be getting a call. I'm with you. I'm 100%. Yeah, for the number to the steak tips. I'll give you my, you want my old clothes? I want your own steak tips. I got your, you got it. You can have it.

Kevin, what do you got for him? Guys, we're all over the road. Get some tickets. Yeah, come see us. Added some shows and Providence. Added a show in Boston. Grab those tics. Yes, get them.

And then also Atlanta, that we have two shows. Yeah, come see us. Comedy festival. And then also Charlotte. Get those motherfucking tickets. Gang, we love you. And we'll see you next week.

Peace.