Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Robert Kelly Returns!

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Robert Kelly! You know Bobby Kelly from stand up comedy, YKWD Podcast, The Regz, Stavy's World w/ Stavros, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Soder Podcast, Louie with Louie w/ Louis CK, and his new special "Kill Box" Out Now! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG 2024 Tour Sign Up: https://shorturl.at/jrD24 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Tushy: https://hellotushy.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Good to see you gang, the boys are planning the RU garbage 2024 tour. And we want to know where you want us to come. Yeah, so click the link in the description. Let us know what city you want us to come to. We're coming to all the ones we've been to before and we're adding a bunch. No one's we just needed nowhere to go. So click the link. Let us know we'll see out there gang. Stay in your house.

Welcome to another exciting edition of RU garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to Everybody's Favorite Podcast. This is Are You Garbage. So a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah.

But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave's probably coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tuddy's in a new edition. She's out running some errands. Okay. She had to stop at the bank.

She had to see your parole officer hit the plug. Okay. I'm back. All right. All right. My co-host is coming at you. Unfortunately right next to me, he is the CEO of RU Garbage. She's international business man. He is the gummy bear banded.

Give it up for KJ Kevin James dry with his nice jacket on. What's up guys, it's a shirt. Thanks for tuning in everybody. We love you. First of all, please make sure you rate review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available. And YouTube as you know those numbers are true. Real cooking, baby.

And obviously the greatest website of all time. www.patrion.com slash RU are you garbage gang it's a party over there yes it is and have a nice quick shout out to our producer X short and air the old magic man makes us all look good works the ones the twos the threes and the fours he crosses the tees and he that's the eyes give it up for t-bone Mcscroffins Toby McBollon ladies and gentlemen what what a boys. What a pal. We have an absolute legend. Yes, we do. In addition.

Yes, we do. Killer among killers this guy gang along here. Ain't lying. We couldn't be more excited ever incredibly. And I mean incredibly special guest back with us again. Today's his first time here at Todes and new with nation. We love him. You love him.

He is the host of you know what, dude. He is the host of bone to pick co-host on the bonfire and the regs got to check out give it up for Robert Kelly everybody. A lot of potty. A lot of potty. I mean, you guys are so happy one of you was hit. You ain't lying. So we are.

I'm still rolling the fucking dice. I saw you zipping around the West Village at night and that and that premium SUV. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, that was so funny. What are you whipping around? I got Lexi. Oh Lexi. Little hybrid Lexi.

Zipping around. Okay. That's a jacket by the way. Your helmet. No, I saw him on the street in the bike lane and I just zipped up like I was gonna hit him. Yeah. Just to see what type of guy he is.

You know what I mean? What was his reaction? Cause if he's like, oh my god, oh my god, you know, some people, oh. He got down to a 3.9. Move 42. He thought it was an Uber, I don't know what jumped in the back seat. The kid in front of whoever that was, pushed him out of the way and he went, what the fuck,

watch out, watch out, what the fuck? And I was like, I exactly who I thought it was. He saved the life and stepped in front. Can't park that here, buddy. He told me you were out of town. I saw how he was sipping around. Oh't park that here, buddy. He told me you were out of town. I saw you zip it around. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh you come in Thursday, you're like, no, I'm gonna be out of town. Leave him to the next morning at five in the morning. I told you, I'm jumping on a plane.

And what's going on? Tampa. Tampa. Oh, love a nice Tampa. I did a private event at a cigar lounge, Corona cigar. Okay. And it was for me.

That's a jet, I'm a drinking. Dude, I'm looking out. Get paid to smoke sticks. Me and my call to, my call to was, who's my number one best friend Mm-hmm and You've done him you know call to yeah, yeah, it's the best so I Go do come down and he's done stand it before go up and do ten minutes fuck off blow my crowds his crowd down there

His crowds my crowd is turf down there, but he goes up the king of Tampa. Yeah, King of Tampa King of Florida Yeah, Florida, but he goes up. The King of Tampa. The King of Tampa, King of Florida. Yeah, Florida. So he goes up and he's just winging it. And it's like, but this is his crowd, but then there's these cigar people, which is a different world. Man, watching your buddy bomb. They do many things better than that. Oh, great. It's great.

You know, it's better than that making your buddy bomb. Have you ever done that? No, but I know you animals used to do it to each other back in the day at the seller. Me and Keith did it to Voss. Voss had to follow Nikki Glazer. Okay. Nikki Glazer killing.

Mm-hmm. And it's all mostly young girls murdering with these jokes. And Voss is going up, we know that fucking old kooz is gonna sit, try to bring back the energy to his thing. I went on one side, he went on the other. He's going on this side, I went on that side. And every jokie did, we went, oh, what a fucking kill me.

Next, it's like the whole crowd, five minutes in. Oh, they all do it on board. Dude, the whole crowd, everything he said, and then at one point, the girl looked up at me and Lisio. Why would he talk like this? He took a hot one. One of that, so you're doing a little travel, you're down in Tampa, what is the guy like Bobby like to stay?

You're a hotel man, I would assume. In Airbnb guy? Yeah, I'm not, I'm not, I'm nothing. I can't do an Airbnb. I'm with you. We were a big Airbnb team, but we're off now, back to hotel. And has your hotel etiquette?

I like, all I need in a hotel, I need a little tiny gym. I don't need room service. I don't need that. Okay. I'm gonna snob like that. A little gym, I need a little coffee. Free breakfast, you like a free breakfast? I'm all right with that, but I'm not gonna fuck with it. Okay. Really?

I know what it's about. Huh. I know, I used to, but now I'd rather just go somewhere and get breakfast. I feel like waiting in a line. Man, you feel it. I do love a hotel breakfast, but you don't feel your best waiting behind a bucket.

Like three mouth breathers for the fuck off. For the waffle machine. Just a family of fat six. Uh-huh, yeah, it's bad dude. For a single serving of yo-play. Oh, and they're, yeah. Are you guys bringing more bacon? In a green banana.

Yeah, and they're touching every banana. And then they, and then you see them and their bag is full of yogurts and milks. And it's like, all right, relax. Yeah. You fucking be free. Gross re-shopping at the fucking days in. Yeah, I'm all right, but I'm not a snob like that.

I like a flat, flat tee this hell old I am. I got to the point where I told my agent, I go, listen, I'm not saying hotels with square TVs. I don't want a box. Is that on the website? How do they know that? I used to stay at hotels and they had like a square. The big guy, yeah. You guys, you remember that?

I remember that, yeah. So yeah, I was like, dude, enough. I want a flat screen TV. I want a thin TV. If it doesn't have a thin dude, I'm enough. I want a flat screen TV. I want to fly I want a thin TV If it doesn't have a thin TV, I'm not fucking staying because those those square TV rooms For a real real pretty mess. I know over here I'm not getting up to change the channels no more. It better have a remote

I need a record player no more than a track bullshed any young men I'm for I'm first floor near the elevator to what first floor. I don't want to I don't want to I don't Ground floor I Haven't it getting to a fucking elevator driver that's not that's the first guy that gets got yeah Get got then I'm actually the first guy to get away. I hear the shit going on I'm out that emerges. He doors never open here. Do you know I'm the fucking fifth guy to get away. I hear the shit going on. I'm out that emergency doors never open Here you're on the fucking fifth floor down the end of the hallway. You got nowhere to go first floor first floor Bang, you're looking for trouble down there. I leave my I leave my curtain open. I love it

I love when people pull up in their car and I'm just staring right at them. And I waive. They got the flat TVs. Get your ass in here. The first floor of a home town. First floor of the whole town. You go and check in and say, hey, I want a room on the first floor. Yeah. I like the first floor by the elevator too. I don't hear a ding in and stuff. And by the way, that's indicative of where you're staying that they have rooms on their first floor.

Yeah, most hotels don't. Hyatt has first floor. And I'll take a handicap room. I don't like, I don't like walking into the shower like that. It's too pretty. I love it. Uh-uh, I need, you've never been fat fat. It's true.

I need, yeah. It was a time where I like, I had to wash myself off like a baby elephant. I had to get that hose. Sure. Try to put a leg up. Oh yeah. Dude, that's stupid tub standing there with my little feeties in and the curtain hits the side.

Fucked, I like walking in. I like a ballerina bar in there. Yeah, yeah. Sit down and a little flapping bench. I feel like I'm in a hospital, dude. I can't do it. Yeah, I love that. I love the wand.

Do you use that chair to get into the pool? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha... Markov! Well, you dip in the pool if there's a pool? 100%. Okay. Bring your trunks, hop in the hot tub. Always bring trunks.

I'll hop into the hot tub. I'll go fucking blow an old guy in the sauna. Whatever they got. I use those hotels up, man. Okay. Yeah, one of the best times I ever had was in Kansas City at a hotel where the pool was inside and then went outside.

Whoa. And then when outside it was a snow storm. I was outside heated pool, snow coming down. That's sick. And I was just sitting there with my little bald head coming out. It was great. I remember the thrust in my life. Dude, on the road you really, we'll hop in the pool

and you'll really get some nice just relaxing moments. It's all right. Just in there float with your other fat friend in a hot tub. It's all right. It's the best. It's great. I hate comics that don't use the amenities. Like I used to go on the road with comics.

I remember Dane would never use the amenities. I'd wake up early, I'd go down and get the coffee. Fuck you. I hate out in that little like lobby, like lobby, restaurant. Yeah. I'm in there. I got a coffee look. I sit on the chairs by the coffee. I hang out in that little like lobby, like lobby restaurant. I'm in there. I got coffee. I sit on the chairs by the elevator.

Use those. Get a little journal time in. A little hey, today was a good day. Ding, someone comes out and say hello. Have a good day. I use it all man. They can call us doing it all baby. I like that.

If you sit in, if you, if you're good down in the hot tub at the hotel and there's somebody else in there Well, you hey, hey, don't you chat him up a little bit? I like that. Well, you know what? Or you give them their space and be like I'm gonna hop in the pool them when they get out I'll get in the hot tub. I well it depends. I'll usually get in the hot tub and I I'm like how you doing I'll say hi. You need the initial high. Hey, I know just to let you know I'm not here. I'm not here to I'm not here to to, I'm not here to, I'm not here to, I'm not here to get my dick sucked. I'm not sucking your dick.

How you doing? But it feels like that though. What did you and another guy in the hot, I was like, I think a movie. Not when you do it, like I lay on the Boston a little, hey, what's up, how are you? How are you? So he knows, I'm not gonna suck your dick.

Sure. You know what I mean? And then I'll, get your game last night, eh? I get my corner and then I shut my eyes. And then you do what you do. I gotta really phase you out. Okay.

Cause if you start talking to me in the hot tub, I don't want that. I don't want to have a conversation in a hot tub. Dude, we were somewhere in Miami. Remember that whole family surrounded you? Where was like, where you jumping on his back? It was wild.

I was in the pool and like, dude, I was like, come over here. I was like, I'm an idiot. And I would never, like would you let the kid get into a hot tub with a grown man? That you didn't know? Yeah.

No. The parents weren't in there. The parents were over in the seats and these two kids ran in the bathroom. Two more robots come over. Here's what happens when you have those one kid. Yeah, his hands are broken, water's just like, I'm not doing anything.

You're almost hoping that he would play with him. Sure, a little bit. Okay. Yeah, because I have a kid and it's like, there's a certain point where you're like, fuck, I just, I don't wanna have to go in the pool. I don't wanna have to. Yeah, I was chilling.

What the fuck's a kid doing in the goddamn hot tub anyway? How long? They've got a long day. What do you want him to go swimming? You want him to pee in the pool? Yeah, pee in the pool. Hot tub is just pissed by the way. Of course.

It's just hot tub. Who's not a thing I do when I get in there? Who would pee right away? What? Biologically it makes you pee. Well, we were on a cruise recently and my kid was in the pool. Last day of the cruise, probably maybe four, three, four hours left of the pool time before they have to close it down, right?

And my kid, we hit a wave and the water came down, right in his mouth. We hit a wave and the water came down right in his mouth. This kid puked. He puked whole starboard side. They came out with hazmat suits. They had to shut the fucking pull down because it was everywhere. He shut the pull down on the cruise the last night. Oh my god. Bobby Niske on a singles cruise.

Coming up the works for everybody. Take it fucking knock it all. There's chicks out here. In face paint and fucking Mickey years on. Oh my God, Bobby Niske on a singles cruise, coming up the works for everybody. You're fucking knocking all those chicks out here and face paint and fucking Mickey ears on. That was a, that was right before Birch cruise because I think I remember seeing that. And that was a social cruise that you weren't working. I do just went on a cruise.

You're a cruise guy. The whole fam went. I'm not a cruise guy. I tried the cruise guy. This was the first time you were on it. Calta is the cruise, he's a cruise guy. I tried the cruise guy. This was it was just the first time you are is the cruise Yes, person, okay, and he said I invited him up for Thanksgiving Because we spend like every other Thanksgiving together and he was like well going on the cruise Why don't you go on the cruise? Wait hold on side question. Where does he stay when he comes up?

So you get a hotel is there you a he? Would you let him stay with you? 100% but he's not gonna fit. He's staying a hotel up by you or a hotel in the city. He stays in the city. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Gentlemen, we've spent, we went, we went to pigeon forge one year with him. You could drop that like we were gonna know with that. Pigeon forge. Tennessee. Dolly, you know, we're on the kids side. The war.

The fuck were the war. The war. The mine collapse, you know. They still have that restaurant when they do the FoxMe. Up there. All right, I'll tell you, if you don't know Pigeon Forge,

Pigeon Forge, it's the Redneck Las Vegas. I'm listening. It's the Redneck Las Vegas. If you, I mean, you go down there, they have, it's literally like they have the Titanic. They have all this shit, they have roller coasters, all this crazy shit. Pigeon forge popped up right away.

Where is it? It's the home of Dollywood. We're Dollywood. We want the Dollywood. Okay. But you can rent these cabins in the woods, the Smoky Mountains with Dolly Parker for fucking nothing. You rent these big houses and he, him and his brother rented a house,

and we drove down from here and spent like a week down and pigeon forged with them. And it was crazy. It's crazy. It changed the name of that. Yeah, nothing good, it starts with pigeon, dude. My hometown. That's rough.

My hometown, Bluebell was originally named Pigeon Town. Pigeon Town? Yeah, they were a big sign when you pull in. A lot of pigeons? The mayor. The mayor was a pigeon, actually. The mayor was a pigeon. Yeah, two terms. That was a when you when you pull in a lot of pigeons. The mayor, the mayor was a pigeon actually. Yeah, two terms. But he did.

So he said to me, he goes, listen, why you come down? I was like, okay, let me ask Don, because I know my wife's going to go fucking know. She's got it. She's a nickel chaser. She's not going to spend the money. Nickel chaser. What are you from the 20s? Pigeon town. Nickel chaser.

Yeah, she's played with the cash. I mean, what do you you from the 20s? Pigeon town, Michael Chase. Yeah, she's playing with the cash. What do you give me the high hat? You give me the high hat. So I know she's gonna say no, I go, yeah, let me ask Don, think I'm gonna Don wanna go on a cruise with Thanksgiving? She's gonna go, no, we're not going on a cruise. Cause she loves, we love, she cooks, she cooks everything.

So we usually have Thanksgiving at the house. We invite any comic stragglers over. Wait, it was a Thanksgiving, it was a, you would spend on a cruise. It's Thanksgiving cruise. Sorry. It's real pigeon-forward. That's fucking nuts. There's no way my wife's going to say yes, though.

There's no, I'm going to go, yeah, she's going to go, no. I went, don't you want to cruise for the Kyletus Thanksgiving? She goes, yeah, that sounds fun. And I went, huh? Did you have a thing? Did you eat Thanksgiving? This wasn't this year. This wasn't this. It was thanksgiving.

Yeah, this was this cruise. Right? Cause it had to be. No, I thought you. You just thanksgiving. You went on a cruise. Yeah, I'm not lying to you. Bobby, that's fucking insane, dude.

It was the way you did. They at least make a Thanksgiving dinner that you can eat at the buffet? Or you eat macaroni and cheese and shit like that pizza? You have a Thanksgiving dinner and it was the worst Thanksgiving dinner. Of course. It was terrible. It was terrible. My wife cooks from the ground up.

Third generation stuffing. Like I have her make, I have her make, I have her, third, that means her, pigeon meat, meat secret ingredients her fucking grand mother great great grandmother Passed it onto the grandmother passing on to them now. It's her okay, okay tried and true It is did I ever make it in the middle of the year? Re game just to half Okay, yeah, I was gonna give her skills up. I almost one of of the, one of the, a fight I got on a day one time, we did Thanksgiving at his house.

My wife's cooking from, she's cooking everything. At his place. At his place. And he's like, I'm gonna get a stovetop. I was like, what? I go, my wife's cooking her third generation stuffing. She's like, yeah, but we like, I go, it's not happening. You're not, you're not fucking.

You have him, my wife's stuffing. No, shit. You can't, you can't. I'm fucking, you have it in my wife's stuffing. No shit. You can't, you can't. I'm not letting you have a box of stuffing. Man. It's the greatest, it greatest meal ever. It's one of the, I mean, her cooking, I'm with that.

I mean, it's the greatest. And I went from that to a crude Thanksgiving. To crude Thanksgiving. The stuffing had the consistency of mashed potatoes. Dude, if you're eating gravy in a bathing suit, that is a tough look. Yeah. Do you imagine you gravy and a bathing suit, that is a tough look. Yeah. Do you imagine you're imagining a turkey leg

and getting on a water slide? That's fucking no. The food on bird's cruise was fantastic. It was not a good, the cruise we went on wasn't a great cruise. They had no water slide. They had a pool of my kid through up it. That was it.

Jesus. The food was not that good. It was kind of terrible. It was terrible. And also the food on bird's cruise was good, but we were also drunk most of the time I thought it was fantastic soup to nuts everything breakfast lunch dinner chicken fingers are fantastic Thanksgiving dinner. That's I mean that's what I'm saying. It was oh yeah That's it. Yeah, you talk you talk it was good. You're talking rando food also we were getting the VIP food

We were eat we were, you know, we could go to the buffet, meet me, me, me, big J at the buffet one time. Oh man, I have to lose in like, losing our asses at the blackjack table. Is it going to go to hamburgers? I'm like, yes, I did. We sat down for like three hours

and just crushed a buffet. I did that on the jokers cruise. I remember getting on the elevator at the jokers cruise. The same ship. Yeah, same ship. Okay, so we got out and there was four huge women with two plates each. It was pizza with mac and cheese on top of the pizza.

Okay. On both plates. Yeah. At two dirty in the morning. Yes. And then we went into the buffet and these two other fatties drove their larks into the chairs to move them.

Didn't move the chairs. Just use the fucking lock. You hear grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Reassuring of what people of like all shapes and sizes going this To I am yeah, that's it's self conscious. I go this is my kind of fucking place. This cruise was an old people cruise though It was not a good cruise was it the three of in a room or did you get the kid his own room? No, it's fucking ten What do you have to your mind? I'm gonna fuck get him his own room. It's been a five grand this fucking get you out of your mind Sleeper right in the face. He had a couch. Okay. Yeah, I'm not rolling like that sleep right in the just he had a couch. Okay. Yeah, I'm not rowing like that. No, I had he we had one room for all of us, but it was a big room. It was like a junior or whatever sweet. Okay, it was fine. First floor. I gotta be able to go. I can stick and move Bobby's dead in that boys room. I take it. Man, can't but talk about Tushy. Shout out to Tushy. Gang, you want to feel like a fancy European tape?

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Takes about 10 minutes to get it all set up. Easy peasy, nicks. So you know, you're booping away. Sliding. That bee holds whistle. What baby? Clean as a whistle. Yeah, it's one of those things you don't know what it is until you give it a shot.

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see minemobile for details. Did you tip the cleanings and a hotel? What do you leave for the hotel for the cleaning service? 20 bucks. 20 bucks after a week. 20 bucks when I check in, 20 bucks when I leave. 20 bucks when you check in, what do you mean? Because you usually check in before three,

because we get in, you know what I mean? And they always say, our room isn't ready, room isn't ready. It happens to me so much. I have to not be stressed when I do this shit. I'm the same way. I can't, I've been doing it for so long. I can't deal with, I have clear, I have to not be stressed when I do this shit. I'm the same way. I can't, I've been doing it for so long. I can't deal with, I have clear, I have TSA, I have global one, I have the lounge,

I have all the credit. Like being cultured. I don't wanna, I can't have anybody fuck with me because I'll just quit, I'll just be out. Right there with you, Bobby. I won't live it on the edge. Yeah, man, when you get to the hotel, if I walk in, like your room will be ready,

and it's 11.30, your room will go into three. Cause technically, that's what you get to the hotel if I walk in like your room will be ready and it's 11 30 Your room will go into three because technically that's what you signed up for sure if you walk in Give the check a double berry double berry Hey, go buy yourself some pigeon meat LaRue Double berry I'm lucky Bobby Kelly. I'm gonna check in. Here's the saw buffed ups. He pulls it out of her ear.

There you go. Give me something down in the basement. Well, that's the Orger room. On the slavishies, the 20 was a double berry. Two berries. Oh, okay, that makes sense. What a berry. That's real cruise talk right there.

Wait, so you're not tipping the cleaning staff. You're greasing the front desk person. I walk the front desk person. The front desk people make no money. They have to stand. They cannot sit. So you grease them. So when you walk and they don't give a fuck,

they're told not to give certain people room. That room's ready. I'm walking. They got an open room. There's always a room. Sure. There's always a room. That's great. Always a fucking room.

And if I walk in, I go listen, I go here. I go, I'm checking in, blah, blah. And they're like, well, we don't, and as soon as I hear the, well, I go, hey, this is for you. Thanks, just, thanks for trying to get me a room right now. I appreciate it. I don't say get me one.

You can't force, you say do it, you can, whatever you can. I get it But you know I'm just a little tired and then they go okay, and you see them you see the fucking mouse Just go like this because they were over here in the you ain't getting a fucking room mouse Yeah, and then they start doing that step to the next computer like this and they go like that I like this one wasn't even on sorry, and then you all right. I can put you on the bang now what happens? I'll grease them to 20 So sorry nothing

Calls a scene Strangling like get that money bag I hang them upside down out of fucking window no It never happens. Okay, there's one room. There is all room So then when you leave if you stay one night Chris 20 on a dresser 20 on the russia Whoa love that unless I buy something that I don't want. Unless I buy something that I don't want. Yeah, like a pair of shoes or something, I'll just leave those.

Oh, you'll leave them again. I've left them gifts. Are you kidding me? I bought like a jacket. Hope you're size shirt. No, no, I'm kidding. I always leave it 20, yeah. You have a bag of Doritos in there for you.

Double XL Tommy Bahama. There's a half a taco salad And some gatorade zero you go watch the rest of the hopper timer if you want But it he got 23 hours left better making quick I leave shit though tell all the time all right, but I always a 20 man. You know calling Quinn taught me that respect Callin was like He always every time I used to open film all the time when we go on the road You'd always leave a 20 So just boom and we leave like that night, because he doesn't even like to stay if you're if you can drive home bang

You just leave a 20 on the table. Yeah, man, really respect that. That's fantastic Leave in a hotel in the middle of the night, but here's a deal. Can I just say something if I'm there for one day or Five days. I'm leaving. It's a 20. Can I just say something? If I'm there for one day or five days, I'm leaving, it's a 20. It's a 20. It's just a 20. No, yeah, anything, yes, no, I agree. Because that average is out to four or five bucks a night,

or whatever, more. Yeah, whatever it is, but I'm, I'm gonna give most people don't leave shit. That's crazy. Then all of Lugats, there's nothing. I've been jammed up where I didn't have cash. Yeah. We're running, it's like, we gotta get in the car,

we gotta run, but typically. There's been times, I'm gonna admit that to, right? Yeah. Once in a car, we gotta run, but typically. Yeah, this is with Disban times, I'm gonna admit that to it. Yeah, once in a while I'll have to take off. And if she's a twat. Sure, how would you know that? You like the men in Quint interaction, would you have with her? Um, or them? I've had them,

Are you getting the room cleaned up every day? No, never. No, but if they come in, if they knock on the door, and I don't, no, you don't come in. You put your privacy on the thing? The whole time. Yeah, you don't come in. Love that. You door and that they I don't know you know come in you put your privacy on the thing all the whole time Yeah, you don't come in love that you can't see what's going on. I don't want you to smell it I don't want you to come in and have to do I don't want to I I kind of I get a I

Fement the room I season it and I want that to Mom beans yeah, yeah, like a humidor. I season this humidor and I want that to be my room. But I don't smoke anything. Like I know comics that light up. You guys light, you smoking it up. What a hero smith. I'm smoking in the hotel. Throw my square TV out the window.

You don't know people smoking the hotel? I don't. Dude, I know comics that just light up. Weed cigarettes. Weed cigarettes. I mean, how? Sit, I don't know. It's worse than a cigarette. Weed now smells it forever. But it doesn't, I kind of, I mean, how? I don't know. It's worse than a cigarette.

Yeah. And we now smells it forever. But it doesn't, I disagree a little bit. You're not wrong. It's gotten worse for sure. It's the, when I smoked weed back in the day, it didn't smell. But now, I mean, I can smell certain people

who come to my house, my house will smell. No, you're not wrong. Like, it's terrible. They need to fix it. They may weed more potent, which I'm fine with. I think that's great. But now fix the stupid stuff. Genetically engineered to smell?

Yeah, you can't. Why couldn't you do something? It's even walking around New York City. It's like pleasant. Rose beef, meatballs. You know what's crazy when you can smell it from... I become a drug addict. Rotisserie jekyll.

Maybe a food addict and a drug addict. They made weed smell like fucking meatballs. That's what they should be doing. Yeah, it smells smells like a beef and beer. I know guys that have so much money, they just take the 250 hit. Sure. Yeah, take the head. That's a ball.

I can see that. Yeah. All right, call pay the money. They pay an extra 250 just just just just a rip in the room. I like going down doing the doing the ritual. Good and out in the lobby Also in an out we don't the door guy. We don't hang out that often at the we're usually one and done or maybe two nights at max I get to smile when you go to a certain place like Vegas. We'll have a smoking floor

I don't like I don't like smoking in the room Mohagen mohagen son has smoked a floor till yeah, I don't like that. It just smells like losing as a guy who Man, I did it did imagine losing That just smells like losing. As a guy who's, man. I did it. Did imagine losing your money and go back to a smoking room? We were in the Golden Nugget for Skankfest and you could tell walking down the hall.

It's like, oh man, people used to rip eaters in here. Yeah, just in the ones in the green of the wood. In the carpet, in the wallpapers. I did it in Rio. When I did the seller in Rio, I got a smoking room. And one of the loneliest things I've ever done, I lit up a cigar. I got two smoking floor, smoking room. And one of the loniest things I've ever done, I lit up a cigar, like a two-hour cigar.

Buy myself. It's my free people on that floor. It was just sitting, I could see my reflection in the glass. I was just, I'm like, this stinks, like this is the loniest thing of a duck. Yeah, you really should be watching people bang. Yeah, it's something.

It's sitting for the two-way mirror. Watching the show. I got one before we get into the Patreon questions. We were talking about this this week. Who is the most famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Like as a kid, there was there a local celebrity, a news anchor, an actor, somehow, some musician. Who was like somebody that like lingered around

of like I met so and so one time. Like met them or anything. It was in the same area. So what was the area? You didn't have to have dinner with them. Yeah, but it's gotta be more than I, oh my God, that's so- You didn't go to cruise for Thanksgiving with them.

Well, I mean, I did, there's two times. I did, one time I was after an arosmith concert. Okay. The angel, remember that one, the video. You're in that video, by the way. Are you? I'm in the stance in the video, yeah. That was alive.

Making out with a check, making out with Bonnie. It's chick Bonnie Perelli from fucking Medford. We're at the concert, I go, the camera's coming and we just started, so we get in there. You can see me, I think a little bit. I don't know if it's me, but shit. I don't know if it's me. I was on the

Perelli for Medford. But we went. Smoking hot. He sounds it. We went backstage and we got the, we got to meet Aerosmith. How did you get back to the places? I had my friend.

He blew the sound guy. My friend was a musician from Berkeley and he got this shit. So we're backstage in this line to say hi. And I remember I just saw these Arosmith posters on the wall. So I just went fuck it and I grabbed one. And all of a sudden people just went grab them all. And then I knew Steve was in the program, A.A, and not to out him, but he's already out of himself.

And, um, Steven Tyler is Steve. He knows him. So he calls him Steve. He's supposed to be an Automist. Well, he's, he's talked about. So I, you know what I mean? He's out of town. So it's me and Steve.

So he tried to get real father. He's an, hey, you holding up, you all right? My real dad's name is Steve. Hi dad, wherever you are. Haven't seen you in a long time. Give us a call on Facebook, would you? Give us a call on Facebook. Give a grandson.

He's 10. It's Stephen Tyler. He has your bump chin. So I just leaned over and I went, I have Steve, Bill W says hi, which is the founder of the show. Yeah. Friend of Bill W's.

Friend of Bill W's and he literally just went, hey, and he fucking lost it. He was like, all right, all right, I was like, what's up, man? He's like, all right, Bill W. Yeah, and he, and I was it. And then I, I don't want to cook. Don't tell him you fucking nark. You're rat. You see Bill, you keep your mouth shut.

Put those posters back. I, uh, we, I got up to the line. I thought he was just like, Hey, what's up? Signs, I can get the fuck out. Sure. So that was it. I thought I'd have a little more interaction, but that was my interaction.

And then the other one, um, was, um, she's, I guess she's famous. Eliza Duskou, who was the daughter in, uh, true lies. Yeah. Famous actor. Yeah. She was in Banshee. Banshee. You know, see, Banshee, the TV show Banshee.

No. Come on, guys. What year did it come out? It's fucking recent. Okay. Oh, Banshee. It's fucking recent. Okay. Banshee. It's the greatest show. It's so good. You haven't seen Banshee. God damn it. You guys are really successful. Oh, yes. Alisa Dushu. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. She's smoking. Yeah. Where? How'd you meet her? Well,

my acting teacher was putting together. It's a reading. You know, this couldn't be before you were famous. What are you talking about? This is before I was famous. This was just one of the like taking acting class and shit. Okay. This is back in Boston. You were a grown man. No, it was a kid.

That was like 20 something. Okay. It's like 20 something and she was a kid at that time. She was just in true lies and she was actually probably like teens, late teens, right? And was it, uh, Walberg was supposed to do the reading. It's a reading. So they had a movie script. They're gonna read it, they read it

in front of a live audience. But they did it at Mommakins, which is, you know, which is, Arosmas Bar on Lansdown Street right now. Alligator Gorge. It was his famous bar.

I like details guys. And I know, you say it to me like we grew up together. Uh, uh, Momma Kins. Are you sure? Yeah. I'm right. I'll go. Rollin' down that. No, no, no. You don't know. Fingin' a Momma Kins in the song. I had a place with the cheesecake. You don't know. Aras Smith songs. I don't know. Momma Kins. Momma Kins. No. You never heard that song? Hey, the hits, Bobby. But I listen to B-sides on an eight track in the back of some van. Love it an elevator, yeah, dude, that's not a hit. That's no dream on that's a hit Killikins. What's it called mom a kid like mom a kid mom a kid. Yeah Wait, so it was at this place. Anyways, so they had this reading at this place and

Took an acting class at a bar. No, no, no. They had the reading in the bar. Are you ready, mate? I apologize. That was like a real studious question. Hey guys, we're having a reading it's half-brighed shooters.

Unless you're a friend of Bill W. Billy. So doing a one-man show at Pop Bellies. Now, Marky Marks, down to Ramacans. We gotta go. Marky Mark, who's the other one? Another one,man show at pop bellies. They'll mark you mark set of ramikens. We got a girl I'm not like my who's the other one other wall. He's on blue blue Donny so donny wall bird. You couldn't even get more Just play as stinks Bobby donny wall bird. Holy shit that's Nicky wall bird Says wait. Hey says wait the bill w

Well, but this is this is six cents air time. I like right either right before to right after it We don't remember that move a lot of critical claim where it's cousin came down Now I remember when Donnie Walberg did that it was a huge deal because he was so good and nobody knew it was him Right, so he's so they're doing this big reading for this movie my teachers directing it. It's a big deal in Boston, you know, and Hold on just to go back. What's the movie? I don't fucking know. They're just doing a reading of a movie Yeah, a lot of times when they write a script they'll have a reading So it's like they were reading top gun or something like that. You never did a reading. Yes. I've done a reading I've done you know, yeah, you know, you're task being like me. Yeah, so that's a Lucy Lou

Yeah, so I did a Lucy Lou Megan It was before the burger fame it was a Ben's pizza. I did one with The fuck is her name from my cousin Vinnie Merced tome. I didn't want to, Merced tome. Goddamn, man. She's hot, she's something else. Beautiful, and talented.

So I guess this is before, this is right when I'm coming up in Boston. I'm not, I'm still going to fucking coming up in Boston, taking an epic class. I take this thing, he, Donnie bails out last minute, like the day of,

and it's with Eliza and a bunch of other actors, he, Adonnie bails out last minute, like the day of, and it's with Eliza and a bunch of other actors, young, they have this one little young black kid. He's really supposed to be talented. He's on the rise. My teacher goes, you gotta fill it, you gotta help me out, you gotta do this. So I'm like, fuck, you gotta read the script. So I gotta read it on the fly. I got dyslexia, I'm fucking stupid.

I can't, I to read in front of 200 people confidence problem. I mean it's bad You know what I mean when I learn lines I got a fucking spaghetti read for I'll push you out of the class. You're gonna be up there on stage reading guys listen I need you to do this tonight. Okay, so I gotta go in. I'm sitting there They mic us up with Mike live audience. They're reading the script, the writers there. My teacher's there. The big shopper, young comment.

There's famous local celebrities in the crowd. I think there was a couple of red socks there. It was... It was... Phenetic. Fisk. Fisk was there. Jim Rice was in the crowd.

What's that? No. Carleton Fisk. Carleton? No. Car of the kids. Car of the kids. How did he do this? How did he do this? He was doing this. So there we have him in front of big poppy.

So you know big poppy. So I don't know any of this shit. So I'm doing it. And I got him, I'm this tough guy drug addict. Oh, Pimp or whatever the fuck I was. And this little kid, I got to read, a lot of my lines with this kid. And so I, I don't know the fucking script. I'm kind of winging it where I can.

And there's one time, I'm like, it must be, it must be tough for you. But the line is, must be tough for you in school. I said, it must be tough for you, school. I said must be tough for you kid. And he go, he was just staring at me. Dead air hundreds of people. I go must be tough for you kid. Nothing.

I look over Eliza Dushka's looking like this. My teacher's like, I'm like, things are tough around here for you, huh? You heard me. Nothing. This can't, this can't. I said things are tough around here for you, huh? You heard me. And that's it. This kid, this kid. I said things are tough on you. You gotta listen and problem, kid. This kid, he's new.

He learned the script. Word for word. He's waiting to say school. He went like this. He grabbed his mic. He went in school. And it just echoes over the whole fucking day. You standing here, right? The fucking whole place erupts in just

belly laughter. I mean, my face, I felt my head get red and my ears got hot. When I get nervous, my ears get hot. I know that. And it just started sweating. And I went in school. I just yelled at this kid. That was my only experience. Was there any with with Eliza, was there any interaction or just like nice work with you on your business card? She's always been nice.

I see her now. She goes to Boston Comics, come home that I do every year. Ah, right. And she always goes to the husband. And she's, I mean, she's still redecorated. She's one of the hottest human beings in the world. But we're kind of friendly now. We know each other a little bit now.

She's, I mean, she's just my friend. Look at that. Okay. Now you're peers. See, you've been a child actor. I fuck up all my famous people I know. I fuck it up. I fuck them all up.

Yeah, Chris Evans blocked me. Right. I remember that. Yeah, blocked me. Well, what you do. Well, I fucked it up. I met him. We became friends and then I texted him that night.

I was like, good meeting. You remember when you were in Captain America? I fucked it up. And then I repaired it. Shultz helped me repair it. And I repaired it. And I fucked it up again. And then recently on the bonfire, Jay made me fuck it up again. I texted him something. I forget what I texted and then it just blocked. I called and it was like, this number can't be whatever. And I was like fuck man. Yeah, I was like, I'm terrible. I'm not good with famous people.

I'm just not good. You never text, they give me the number. You never use it. I didn't know it was like girls. We're men. I know, but if you met a guy. You gave me your number years ago. I didn't know it was like girls, we're men. I know, but if you met a guy, you gave me your number years ago. I didn't think I used it for four years.

Yeah, I remember, I remember you got mad at him because he was still sending you Twitter DMs and you're like, fucking call me. You're like, you have my number. Call me. I hate a text. I'm not a fan of texting.

I don't like it. Just call me. Just call. Just call and say what's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Yeah, they wanted, they were like, we wanna, I was like, dude, just go do your own thing. You don't wanna be part of this. Oh, okay, yeah, we're pitching the get on the network. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I completely forgot about it, until it, that, you know that. It's like, at that time, it's like, listen man, you're gonna leave anyways. No, I totally get you wrong. Every show that I started left.

Of course, of course. Every show that I started was just, as soon as things hopped up, it's like, what are we doing here? It is one of those things of, you do it on your own. It's a thing that you should be doing on your own. You've always done your own thing.

You never own thing. You never know. Networks were good when like, all things comedy did it because they kind of all stuck together and then lifted each other up. But it eventually broke up. You know what I mean? And that happens with any network.

Yeah, Chris Evans coming in. Fucking nine camera shoot. Don't ruin it again. It's a nine camera shoot. Hey, what's up, man? Never made Bobby. And we got the flat TV too. You got a bunch of flat TV's.

You can stay here. You got a regular nerd and a sexing nerd. We do. You got the fucking spectrum of nerds working here. We got T-bone and New Guy Luke. Yeah. All right, let's get into some fucking Patreon. Do some cues with Bobby. It's always a good hang. You got the fucking spectrum of nerves. We got we got T-bone and new guy Luke. Yeah All right, let's get into some fucking Patriot Choose with Bobby. It's always a good hang like that. Can I get what do you need? Where's my bag? Can I get my bag real quick? Yeah, your fanny pack? It's not a fanny bag. It's a crossbody Louis Vuitton

Is it real Louis Vuitton? I wanted to ask you came in. I complimented it, but is it real? I don't know Now what's that set you back? Well, what's that call? That seems like a lot to me. Four grand? I got a dickies jacket on. 1200, yeah. It's over a thousand.

It's a little, look it. Yeah, this is, yeah, this is pretty expensive. Yeah. This is some gum and some honey. I know what's in there. I got gum. It's stupid. Is it regular gum or nicotine gum?

I can't really hear it. Also, I just noticed the tattoo of your wife's name as your wedding band. Yikes. I had to do that. You don't like rings? No, because I gain weight and lose it so much over that I've gone through so many.

I think I've gone through six. Holy shit. Dude, he wears them as an necklace now. Yeah dude, those points were like, I had to get it cut off. You did. Yeah, it was so fat, it just was my finger was purple, so I had to get it,

and then get another one, and then I would lose weight, and then I'd get lost in a pool. What do they do that? Do they cut that off at the jewelry shop? No, the fire department. I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to,

I have to have to, I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a life on that band boy. I have to have a Jaws of life on that band boy. I have an alarm at my house. Where, where, where. Yeah, they just, they just, I just love. Huh. Yeah, it's, yeah, I fucking hate the way. But now she's there forever.

There you go. This actually made her cry. I didn't, my wife's a tough broad. I'm pretty sure my wife could take me if we were really fighting. Sure. I'm pretty sure she could take me. She'd do some, she's a pretty tough check.

So you didn't tell you, not got a tattoo. Got a tattoo over a name on my face. That's the trashy ass. What that said? Yeah, I've never heard of my life. What that's how you back? Free, Skankfest. You got that done at Skankfest.

Did you tell her that? Yeah. She knows it was free? Yeah. Her. I tell you, she's a nickel-taste. She's saving money. You saved her money. They're good Bobby, save money.

I like it. You don't have tattoos, right? No, nothing. Nothing. I would get one now, but it just screams, you know, midlife crisis a little bit. I know in my heart of hearts how I would look at myself at 18, if I was 37, bald, I didn't got a tattoo.

Why would you get something? What would you get? I would want to go full sleeve. I'd want to go all in. I'll tell you that. But that's one that, yeah, that's what I always. I always, I know. That's why I'd have to, I'd have to get,

Joe Brogan, I'd have to get, cheers just pizza and garlic, that's all that is on. This is favorite foods. Flaprid freak baby. All right, let's get into it here. Let's get a, let's knock a couple of questions out here. Um, all right, this one's from the kevdev, $10 homie never had one red. Is it garbage if your buddy comes over to your house to pregame, then cuts their fingernails

before leaving for the night? You can't be doing that at someone else's house. I mean, you can't do that now. Are you clipping or you biting? I, I, I, I despise biteers. You don't like biting.. Are you clipping or are you biting? I despise biteers. You don't like biting? Why would you bite? Your fingers touch the last hole.

You get mannies? You strike me as a manny guy. I'm not a manny guy, but I've gotten mannies, but I used to get mannies, but then those stupid bastards, you put your feet in at those places? No, they get bad. I got two dead toenails, cause of that.

My big toe My toe looks like Fritos chips Yeah, a couple of bugles on air. I mean dude because they have the they don't wash them all the time I know yeah, there was I remember like a big six there was no injury or anything like that It's definitely from I got a fungi from those things and that fungus the only way you can get rid of it is if you take a pill that could fuck your liver and you die. Lamasill, whatever it's called. I'm like, I'm not doing that. That stuff's heavy.

I'm not gonna die because of a toenail. That would suck. You guys would be like, funny me forever. Look, is it black? It's not black, but it actually fell off last year. And now it grew back a little better. And since I lost weight, I think that was pressure on it. When I was 350, I don't think I think that... Let's pressure on it.

When I was 350, I don't think I was getting a lot of blood down there. So the healing process, you see fat people's shins when they get like a little cut. It lasts for like nine years. That's my biggest fear. I scrub my shins and I moisturize the hell out of them. I don't want to get fat. You don't have fat, you've never had fat guy legs, which I'll tip my hat to you. A lot of guys smaller than you really got that fat guy skin

I have a little varicose veins and I have a little bit of like from getting hit when I was younger Like the the bruise doesn't go away. I think cuz of the circulation. Yeah, yeah, I'm on top of that I got my hockey for all over that. I think I think that I the toenail, but now it's it's a little better now a little better now Yeah, but so you're sitting down once a week clipping or like once everyone, when you notice they need it? I keep clippers everywhere. You got them in the bag? I might, I might, but I have,

when I usually have a bag, I'll have a clippers, but I have my keychain usually too. I have clippers everywhere, because I don't, I forget it. And my wife is really, she's one of those, where you know, your fingernails, she sees dirty fingernails on dudes or long fingernails She's sure you gotta she gotta run a tight trip she hates it dirty fingernails are bad. I have them a lot

Yeah, I used to have them a lot. I try not to have you ever do like a post on Instagram and you're holding something and you're looking your fingernails Yeah, it's fucking hated to but you clip anywhere I'll clip anywhere but somebody's house. That's a gregious. I mean, you can't do a house, you can't do a plane. People do it on the subway. I had a buddy who would be like, I cut my fingernails on the subway.

That's disgusting. It's gross. That's disgusting. He's bleeding down there. A lot of people do it. You could do it on a bench. Outside. Yeah, outside of bench, cut your fingernails real quick.

I usually try to do it like in the house, in the sink, napkin, grab all the fingernails in the toilet. Okay. I'll typically bite gentlemen. Put it behind a couch. Bite. Yeah, bite it behind the couch. Or I've said this, I'll put it in, if I have like a empty coffee cup or something, I'll

put it in there and then throw it out. Did you say you bite and then put it behind your couch? Yeah, huh? The best is I'm a man Bobby. Let me give you the perfect Situation my wife in three weeks because you're a savage. I know perfect situation. You got something in your tooth And you have a little bit of a long nail. That's gross. That's three quarters of the way down pop it out Clean that out pop that out right Disgusting. I know iters of the way down, pop it out, clean that out, pop that out. It's disgusting. I know it's on the verge of being a genius. What?

It's literally, now it's too, now it's army fingers. No, that's science. I want a magnifying glass. That's really spectacular. Fat ass. That's cave man science. No, go gadget hokey.

That's a lot of sandwich pops out. Yeah, that's fucking insane to me. I think that's great. I think you figured that out. That's fair. That's the one I figured out you could use your socks to wipe up this. Oh, what do you mean? Like what's on? Just when you pee on the toilet late at night, instead of having to get the toilet and the toilet paper thing and it's not and they what I just suck it 100 100%. Yeah. If I do, if I miss, that'll be,

that's tomorrow morning's problem for me. I'll go in and take care of it. I'm very big. I'm not cleaning at three o'clock in the morning. I have sleepin'. Just take your foot up. Why do you suck? I don't sleep with socks.

I'm not a fucking psychopath. What if something happens in the middle of the night? You're gonna have fucking sock, no sock shoes? You're gonna, you're gonna, someone breaks in, something happens. A flicker air. A flicker air. You don't be playing with foot. You get some traction. What if fucking twist it goes around you'll be put you get some traction What if a fucking twist it comes to your house? I you're gonna have to do what are the socks gonna do?

You're gonna be over fucking have something you'll be warm. Yeah, so you don't get cuts and stuff on your feet Listen, this is the thought process of a formerly fat paranoid guy. Yeah, you're 100% the stock will slow you down too much You have a so yeah, that's four or five minutes you could turn it away if that the whole neighborhood only one guy survived. Yeah, he was wearing a sock. Yeah, he's out side in his socks and his feet are all clad up. He's talking to the news. I'd like to thank Haynes.

Finger nails are amazing. I always get socks on my feet every night. Case something happens. I'm in. I don't know what that is. Something happens. Dude, something happens. My feet can go in my teeth.

He thinks in the middle of the night, put shoes on you. Ha ha ha ha ha. Woo. Woo, your body was staring right at me like, I can't turn it. I know. Listen, he's good. Ain't that good. That was a hot one.

He's one of the best, but he misses from time to time. It was a moment. It almost turned. I thought he started laughing at it and I was like man Bobby's really given on that set that Okay, that's a good I can't believe you don't wear socks men wear socks to bed. No, I think if we did a poll no one wear socks Socks get hot man take them off into the night to do a little your little piggies take them off I like that. I like getting the bed with socks and then take them off. I mean now I keep them I leave them on a case something goes down them. I gotta I gotta take your understay

What does that mean? What is the difference of having socks and no socks that you that's gonna? Okay? Okay, I'm gonna give you a scenario and you tell me read these you're lying in bed. I'm laying in bed You're what are you in your underwear? You know shirt right? I'm in my undies und and you tell me, ready, you're lying in bed. I'm laying in bed. You're in what are you in your underwear? You're no shirt, right? I'm in my undies. Undies, you're in your undies. Yeah, that's it. No socks.

No socks. Tree falls, crashes through the fucking house. Okay. Smashes in. Now the weather. It should is no socks. The weather house is fucked up. Your girlfriend's dead, no socks.

The weather's coming, it was hail, wind, wetness. Uh huh. And you gotta go save your wife, it was hail, wind, wetness. Uh-huh. And you gotta go save your wife, get it, the dog out the kid, you gotta go get everybody out of this place. Right? What are you gonna do first? You're just gonna do with no-sauce?

You're gonna put nothing on your feet. What's the socks aren't helping me unless I'm wearing waterproof socks? 100% helping you. 100%. Then I got wet socks standing outside, waiting for the fire to Barmo with wet sucks.

So we get it. That's going to get you cold with with with Next thing you know you're sick. I'm in my underwear. Not I know you got some form of protection over your feet. So you'd rather have nothing on your socks are you wearing dude? So you'll skin socks you'd have nothing on your feet. You'd have rather have nothing on your feet at all

Yes, and be out in the snow and the cold in the wet. How long do you think socks are gonna keep on the six floor if I end up in the snow We got bigger problems I mean that's yeah, you know what they say I like the picture you precious through the house Yeah, you know what they say. I like the picture you precious through the house. Yeah. You know what they say. Teaches on. I hope something happens. And you like fuck I wish I had some. It's gonna happen. We be cursing. Yeah. Bobby. Plains going down. Bobby's putting his socks on. I don't know what's going to happen to you guys. It won't be all right. Jump south so we can run. Oh, slides right down the aisle. I hope you get kidnapped.

And then you, but then you get out and you have no socks and you're in the desert and you feel like, oh, oh, but you're like, fuck, I wish I had my socks in the desert. Then a pair of socks are not gonna help that. A little bit. If you gotta walk through, listen, yes, if the set of circumstances arises where I have end up

in the desert. Yeah. And I have to walk to safety. I might need a pair of socks. Yeah. So the situation is if a tree crashes through the house, you get kidnapped and you get brought to the desert, you want to have a pair of socks on, I'll give you that. A lot of fucked up so when you go to bed and I use

sort of that, you might need to change neighborhoods if you think that's gonna happen to you. Yeah, I go to bed. You got to move into a more secure place. I go to bed in my undies and I always tell them if something happens, this is the way, this is how I'm squaring off or I'm going out or I'm doing whatever, yeah.

The Mandalorian, this is the way. You're out, if my good fellow is BBDs, my tighties. All right, let's see, this one's from Sam Adams. If you enter a business, this is more of a discussion. If you enter a business where you have to of a discussion, if you enter a business where you have to stand in line, say like the dry cleaner or whatever, and the person... Where you should get this coat cleaned by the way.

Where I should get this coat cleaned, person before you holds the door for you, let you in. Do you then give them your spot in line, or do you stand in line in front of them? Ooh, this is good. You know what I mean? Like, they hold the door, so you enter, you're both walking, converging on the dry cleaner

at the same time, they open the door for you, let you in. Yeah. Now you're in line in front of them that they allowed or they go, you could, but you don't have to. What I'm doing when I hold that door for you is I'm giving you that spot. Mm-hmm. I am saying, I respect that.

This is, I'm gonna let you take a stone. I'm in no rush, buddy. I'm in no rush, guys. Do you think? Have at it. You gave me that spot. Okay. So you don't have to.

You could, but here's what you run the risk of. Here's what you run the risk of. Hey, oh, you go. No, no, no, you go. No, you show me. Now you're in that spot. That's a little weird. Now you're like, I did a good thing.

I put my, I was nice. All you have to do is take it, say thank you, and I feel good, and you're in that. That's a little weird. Now you're like, I did a good thing. I put my, I was nice. All you have to do is take it, say thank you, and I feel good, and you feel good that this somebody good out there. And now we're fighting. We're having a micro fight over niceness, which is one of, I hate micro nicet fights. You have not wrong on that.

It's terrible. That's a very good assumption. You're giving them that spot when you open the door. Don't fuck with somebody's karma. I would say the gentleman move is, they open the door and let you in. Thank you. I know you, you go ahead.

Offer once, just once. You wanna go? Not because if they take it, you're like, I wanna fucking prick. I see, yeah. I say fuck it. I'll offer it. He's a fucking scumbag.

I think we think the generosity is coming in the store. The generosity's not coming in, so for you, the generosity is I'm giving you the spot before we even get in there, just take that. What if you didn't know there was a line in there, though, and you're like, oh, fuck. Hey, no, that's the risky take. How many times you go in at your park,

and you see somebody else park, and then you both, and all of a sudden, they speak, and now you're speeding, and then this, and you get that thing. that's such a suck thing Yeah, I have to deal with in society, but there's nothing better when somebody just hey go ahead and you're like Thanks, man, and you go in and you're getting aligned and they're behind you and there's no pressure There's no anxiety this one. That's the way we all should live I that's very profound. Honestly, honestly. Yeah, let's grind it.

I didn't think of it that way. Because there's been so many times I've gotten into that back and forth of kindness or whatever. And then it's like, you want to kind of just win. And then if you're standing in front, you're in your head of like this fucking guy's probably sitting behind me going, this fucking fat ass took my spot, blah, blah, blah. Can't do it.

All unneeded. Because I've been on the other side, usually when I see somebody coming, let them go because I get that I get the same and I'm like, you know, I'm like all right. You fuck it. He go good. Just go ahead Mm-hmm. Oh, thank you very much. You welcome no problem and then I get right in bang What if you hold the door and you don't get a thank you not this the line thing but just in general? Oh, then I'll cut their child You better be wearing socks buddy. It's about to turn dark for you. I'll piss down his skull Nothing gets me hotter than fucking not getting the thank you

You know what you know what fucking really makes me mad when I don't get you're welcome You're welcome when they just do it and and I go, thank you very much, and they just stare at me. Really say you welcome. Oh, that's real crazy. All right, watch this, watch this, ready? Yeah. You're coming in, I hold the door.

Oh, thanks, man. I'm not sad, and they're looking at you. I'm moving through. Of course, for sure. It is a part of this piece missing you fuck. He's not wrong. There's a thank you and there's your welcome. It is almost a little condescending.

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it's like, did you do it because you're a fuck face? Did you, we're exchanging gifts right now. And it's called pleasantries. So I'm gonna do this. So you go, thank you. And I'm gonna do this. So you go, thank you. And I'm gonna go, you're welcome.

You're not wrong. And then society can move on. Then we get to live. That we all go home and see our family. Because if you don't say you're welcome, I will kill you. I, I, I, I, I see you know we're all having cruise turkey on Thanksgiving. Look at I hate that I hate to know thank you.

It sucks. Fuck you, but didn't know you're welcome. It's kind of like, like you're better than me. You're better than me. You did this for peasants. Yes. Yes. You're a good peasant. That's also in our heads, but sure.

Yeah, I like that level of crazy, bro. Yeah, that's right. You know what I hate? I live my building is too door, like you know, just like the little vestibule type thing. So if we're both convert you know We get off the elevators. We're walking the first guy or person to the door holds the door if typically if it's two dudes Holds the first door and I go oh, thank you now. I got to get the second door for him

And I do and we do it, but it does seem so kind of for oh, thank you no after you Thank you and it just seems very Fake those are fake. It's a little fake. It's outdoor makes the whole rhythm of the thank you It's show you how did your parents do a good job and I do it. I have to do it I have always riding myself on my manners. I tell my son a little I tell my son all the time when somebody will hold the door And then if the other person doesn't They just go in I'd be like that that person doesn't have good parents. Yeah, we've all I've had a broken home And you slam it in their face

You follow them home. How about when you fucking hold the door? And then thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. And then they just keep coming. Yeah You're there's usually a guy. Yeah. You're a door man. All right. And those thank you's dry up after like the second or third person. They think you're working there. Yeah. That's the worst. And I usually look like I work a lot of those places. They had all that face me too. The double door thing is bad. Yeah. Open the one door and they come in and they go in the other one. I'm standing right here. I'm like, I fucking work for you.

Talk about, feel. Talk about, feel like a real loser. We immediately get mad at that slight transfer. It's like that thing, I've told you this. When you offer somebody, like if people are trying to take a selfie, hey, you know, I'm gonna take that for you and they're like, no. Oh, you feel like a real loser. Well, that, hey, I don't wanna take your picture anyway.

And they go, oh, they're going like this. I would have, I'm kidding. Yeah, okay ain't got to want to take your picture anyway. And they go, oh, they'll go like this. I would have, I've got it. I got it. I know we have it. It's like, all right, go for it. You think I'm gonna steal your phone? Yeah, have you ever done that? Stole somebody's phone?

No, no, just take it and go, okay, and then run, and then go, I'm kidding. I've done that. That's fun. Just run, because their face is a shh, this shock. I would trip her something like that. No was really feeling like, where are you going? I'm a comedian. It's a cool, cool name.

Let's all this. I'm following, breaking a jaw. You can't even explain yourself. Hey, you, you, you, you, you, you. Trying to show him the podcast. I've always said you can learn a lot, uh, in a Wawa parking lot of who the, the, the common courtesy in a while specifically Philadelphia surrounding area, Wawa parking lot. Fights will happen if you don't, that common curse is so extended because they know you'll

get the, yeah, you're fucking welcome. Yeah, people are looking for it. They're high strong. It's like and you that it could be the worst kind of person. The best kind of everybody says, please, and thank you. And you're welcome. It's a door to a wall. It's like you ever would drive it down the street on the highway and it always fascinates me.

There's so many cars, so many different and none of us say moat for the most part. We're not just smashing in each other. I think about it all the time. I can just go. I get ruined every one's day right now. But you don't fuck. I didn't know that you psycho. But I don't. But you don't why? Because of I got a gig to do. I got to punch because there's rules. There's rules on written fucking rules.

Are you a you a lawyer? A vehicular hand man's lawter is well documented. No, it's not. You can kill people. You can just say it's an accident. You can be like I fucking... Then I'll see your face in the car going fucking me. They're not up here. They're only out there. Jesus.

I meant that way. That's a great line. They're not up here. They're all there. They don't know what's going on. I just got a back of an ambulance right now. I'm not driving the renegards anymore. I'll tell you that.

That's why you have disposable jackets. Shake my head real quick. Time my beard. I saw the whole thing. We got time for one or two more. Then we got a rapper up here. This one's speaking to Jacuzzi. This one's from Brum Canyon. $10 home, you never had one red as a garbage.

If my girlfriend goes to 24 hour fitness, just to use the Jacuzzi. She's cheap. You know what? You idiot. You idiot. Holy shit. Throw her you dudes. What the fuck?

It's a man 101. Where you going? Use the Jacuzzi at what? Get in the door. It's 230 in the morning. You're walking funny. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy show. It's 2.30 in the morning. You're walking funny.

Holy shit. And if your husband does it, he's gay. Oh. Wait, what, what gym has a jacuzzi? 24 hours. I don't think 24 hour fitness is that jacuzzi. They don't. She's blowing a guy in a parking lot of a Boston market.

Fuck it, idiot. What's wrong with you? She's blowing a guy in a pocket lot of a Boston market Fuck it, it was wrong. Are you? That's nuts, dude. That's great. Put the Kai bus shot that Yeah, man, you got to put an apple tag on that chick Dude, you see air tagger? You just see it moving back and forth real quick I'm gonna air tag that chick man. She's she's blowing somebody. Oh, somebody. Oh man, we gotta wrap it up on that. That's fucking amazing. I didn't think it had at all. Dang, Mr. Robert Kelly, legendary comedian.

Best in a bit. Check out the pod. You got boned the pick with Mr. Paul Versey. You got the regs with Louis J. Gomez. You got Joe Liss. You got Dan Soder. You got of course the bonfire, Mr. Oakerson. And you got of course the legendary, you know what dude.

Check it out, Bobby Kelly, anything else? What's up, folks? I've been out. Dates website, whatever. Yeah, what's cooking? Just go to my website, robbercullylive.com, or go to punchup.live, go to punchup.fuckeverythingas, go to punchup.live, my specials up there for free kill box,

and all my dates are up there, you can buy tickets up on punchup.live. It's a brand new site for comedians and I'm totally digging. So go there, check me out for all my dates, come see me live and you know, all my other shit that I'm doing, you guys got to come on bone to pick. Let's do it baby. Love it. Love it.

One of the absolute best of Robert Kelly. Thanks guys. Thanks guys. Guys, we are getting ready to announce our 2024 tour. So let us know where we should go. There's a link in the description of this episode. Let us know what cities to go to. The only tickets are on sale right now are Town Hall on May 9th, New York City. Get those fucks. Go come up.

Get going to sell out also the AYG card games available at r e garbage dot com. Yeah, gang. We love you and we'll see you next week. Peace. gang we love you and we'll see you next week peace