Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ruining the Party w/ Tom Segura!

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Tom Segura! We're talking Apirational Goals, Dressing Classy and telling your garbage stories. You know Tom Segura from stand up comedy, Your Mom's House w/ Christina P, 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Bert Kreischer, the Joe Rogan Experience, Kill Tony, This is Not Happening, Kill Tony, This Past Weekend, Hot Ones, Matt and Shanes Secret Podcast, and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Harrys: Go to our exclusive link, https://harrys.com/AYG, for a $3 Trial Set Soul: Go to https://GetSoul.com and use the code GARBAGE for 30% off Rocket Money: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter our show name Are You Garbage? in the survey so they know we sent you! Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants. What happened at the garage? Hey, how are you? You guys have a bathroom? You saw that, huh? I'm curious as to what do you want to get out in front of this thing. These are dangerous places. Are those the shorts you were wearing?

Unfortunately, they are. Dude, that's fucking disgusting. Hang on. Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do not think you were. It didn't go through. No, dude, that's insane. I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know is the upper atmosphere. It stayed within the molten core of the budging. The underwear on the other hand, didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality. I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with evidence. I've never seen you walk out with evidence. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey Everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is our you garbage Oh, yeah, it's that little show We sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew to be classy Yeah, but they're just a big old piece of trash

I'm your host a truly coming at you on a beautiful day. We are out back here at Tootie's in the new edition She's out in the backyard catching squirrels Stay away from the chili tonight Order in get a pizza. All right, my co's is coming at you from right next to me slightly amused this week He is the CEO of are you garbage? She is an international business man of my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him and I don't care who knows It give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody. What What up gang shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you review subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube also full video available over there on Spotify gang

Check that out. Those numbers are cooking then obviously the greatest website of all time WWW.patreon.com slash are you garbage got to keep the goddamn lights on over here. Yes, sir a gang We couldn't be more excited of our incredibly and I mean gotta keep the goddamn lights on over here. Yes, sir. Again, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. The godfather of RU garbage over here. Capo De Capo. The boss of bosses, El Jefe.

He's got a brand new series coming out on Netflix, May 13th Bad Thoughts. We know you've seen the teaser. Wait till you see the trailer. Absolutely unbelievable. This guy one step ahead of the game all the time. Give it up for Tom Segura. Hey, everybody.

Look at you. Thank you. It's good to be back. Thank you for having me. Of course. I love your podcast. I love it, dude. Are you double T-ing?

That's it together. That's one team, which is very trashy. You have a dicky T-on? That might be the trashiest thing you do. What the hell? That's for kids, dude. I know. It is.

Is that reversible, too? It can be. Yeah. Listen, I saw. I clocked that to second he walked in. You did? You were like. And I was like, no way am I bringing that up.

You got some balls, Chubby. That's the goddamn balls. What time are school pictures, huh? I apologize for his trance, Greg. It's super trashy, right? It's probably an expensive shirt, though. It's so expensive. These rich guys don't know what the fuck they're doing. How much was that shirt? I don't remember. I really don't. Couple

hundred? Yeah, probably a few hundred bucks. No shit. Yeah. Now what are you doing these days that you're all slimmed out? Are you do you have a stylist? You're who I want to be. I look at you and I go- You are not. Trust me. I know. But I go at you and I you are not Yeah, but you went bald white quite well, you got the good facial hair you trimmed up I that's what I'm trying to do, but I'm leaning more towards this way. I have been farting What here? Well now I went in there just to fart gentlemen. It was like a actual it was like a 15 second fart though

Okay, I think it's all the protein bars. I mean They really let you rip ass. Yeah, I'm just I'm fucking turning down things. I want to eat. That's it That's the only way I tell you do it dude. That's and here's the thing and it's not great. It's just like I'm I Think I still live with hope Do that where like you'll be like, oh, I'll look like this one day and I yeah no you're dude you're my goal what do you mean that's not a great goal are you not where you want to be from my side of the fence what what do you want to disappear no I think I but I mean you kind of want to like tighten up yeah how old are you I just turned 46 no kidding yeah most people way, I did, I remember this from just like a couple weeks ago.

I did MSG. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. And Jimmy Miller, who I work with as a manager, comes over. We have a dinner afterwards. It's like a big... We used to work with him as well. Oh, you did? Okay. So Jimmy sits down next to me, and this is so funny to me, but he goes, I was, you know, he's like, congratulations, big night, you're MSG, it's a huge deal. He goes, guess when the Beastie Boys first did MSG? I was like, oh, that's good trivia. I was like, I don't know.

And he's like, well, take a guess. I was like, 90? And he goes, no, 84. Whoa. 84, and then he goes, then the next thing he goes, and so he goes, so you're 52, and I go, what? He goes, you're 52? Like that, like you're 52?

And I go, I'm 45. He goes, oh, oh okay. Forget I brought it up. He's like, just so you were like five years old. I go, wait a minute, why'd you think I was 52? I just looked at you. I was like everybody always has it since I was 17 has been like when I was 17 I didn't have you have to get a fake I had a fake ID, but I would walk in they'd be like What do you want just like this? I look like this people were like 27. I'm like I'm 17 years old

I it's never changed. You carry yourself of the vibe Sometimes. Yeah, I'm a guy who's over it Oh, yeah, like you like you're sitting here 55. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I get a lot I'm 49 and I always thought you were older than me you and I would a hundred percent guess that you're younger than me Like I would really I would never assume that you're older than huh. You carry yourself in a fatherly man's man type away It's a double T kind of way You have a nice jacket out there covering the double T. I did have a jacket on you look sharp in your jackets Thanks, man. Thank you. Not do you don't look sharp now. No, I appreciate

Why you think you're offended? You look sharp. You know, I Made fun of your little boy T shirt. Hey, you got your whole pants on you. I should I should I should have a whole pass to wear this fucking back to my original question. Now that you are slimmed up and stuff like that and you're coming into your final form. Yeah. Are you like, how did you come across that shirt? Or where are you getting your clothes?

Yes, someone's got it. Are you shopping? I've had two things done, where, like, I go out and, yeah, I just walk into stores and I just get things that I just grab. You try stuff on, you go in the fitting room? Sometimes, not always. Sometimes I just hold it up and I'm like,

eh, this seems right, and then sometimes I go, this was a huge mistake. I should have tried this sporadically or is this like, OK, it's a shopping day. No, it's not a shop. It's more just like, yeah, walking around. You just walk by something if you're on if you're in town somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Like this is like normally this is a quick trip. But like for me, coming to New York, you go like, oh, there's everything here. So one afternoon I might be like, oh, there's everything here so one afternoon I might be like oh, I'm gonna stop in a few stores and like because you guys just have everything

Well, you set something up will you have somebody an assistant or somebody set it up. Hey, let them know I'm coming in I've done that Yeah, I have got at the usual bums we got walking around this dump I did have in London I had them do that and that was cool. Whoa Yeah, cuz I saw them you tell the guy you told I told the guy Stuff that I like and then you just show up and they have racks of just stuff in your size that you like now I got a question guys shit. Do you feel obligated to buy are you like fuck?

I used to but not anymore cuz they're used to that right yeah I just go like oh, I'm not getting something like I used to feel and I'm like oh somebody did something I have to do I just only would get something I want yeah, like if they had a cool double t I don't even like I don't even like I don't even like using a bathroom at a Starbucks without like fake looking at the menu I'll be right back All your sizes, I'll be right back. Yeah. What's that bathroom coat? Speaking of the bathroom. Yes, I wanted to pick your brain on this. We have some stories We have some stuff from the from the homies and the bozos the listeners there

But something that has come up over the last couple of weeks which started out It's it's a multiple part scenario that I want to hit you with. OK. First off, I want to say, Kevin, Kevin's a new homeowner. He has a home. Congratulations. Thank you. And we were awesome.

We were down there. Don't put short. We were down there, and we were looking around the house. OK, like his wife was like, check the place out. We went upstairs to see it. A lot of the rooms were closed. The doors were closed. The doors were closed in this new house.

Yes. The doors are closed in this new upstairs. So OK. First part is if you were doing that and checking it out, would you open those doors? If you were a guest? Yes. Well, let's just say let's say it's the it's the frequency. It's the relationship of me and him. So let's say you go to Bird's house.

Yeah. Yeah. You're open a door. If Burt had a new home, but the doors were closed upstairs. Kind of hinting we don't want you to go in there. Well, here's the thing. If there's one door closed, I might be like, okay, there's this is one. But if there's like four doors closed, I'd be like, what's going on in the fucking room? Yeah. You have to see the hallway. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Which leads me to the real question. Okay. Okay. Let's say you are at a function, a Christmas eve, something like that, maybe not family. Okay. Okay. Um and you are in there, the party going on. You have to use the facilities. Mm hmm. Okay. Where are you going to do that there? Yeah, I want to go out of the way. So of course you get the furthest. So let's just OK, now we're getting somewhere. So where's that going to be?

It's probably upstairs. You're going to go upstairs. Probably upstairs. Yeah. Do you think that's OK? I mean, if what I know is in me is going to come out, it's best for everyone to go away. Sure.

For this possible distance. I concur with that. Yeah. Let's just say for whatever reason, you choose not to use away. Sure. For this possible. I concur with that. Yeah. Let's just say for whatever reason you choose not to use the hall bathroom. You want to use the master

bathroom. That's insane. That's insane. That's insane. I mean, it's well, if it, if, if you were at. I get ahead of myself. It depends which scenario we're in here. Like, so if I'm at Bird's House. Sure. I would just be like, yeah, I'm going to your room. I'm blowing your bathroom off. Sure. I would just be like, yeah, I'm

blowing your bathroom off. That's I, we all agree. Yes. That social norms not in a vacuum. Right. That was, that's where you'd wanna go. Yeah, but if, hold on, if we're in the scenario of Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve and you're

at like you're in law, not you're at your brother's wife's place. Alright, we'll just tell him. Alright, here's the thing. Every Christmas, we have Christmas at my cousin Kelly's, okay? And every Christmas I mix company I eat a lot okay and usually at some point it's just in the evening I have to use the bathroom their bathroom is right next to the kitchen so I can't go there go there then that's for everybody then

there's the bathroom I agree I'm not saying I'm saying you go home that's it for you Christmas is done Then there's the bathroom upstairs Okay, we're like they like the kids rooms are like that's like the kids bath hall bathroom But the kids are up there playing running around on stuff, so I don't want them banging on the door I usually go into their master bedroom Wow crazy, which those doors are usually closed reaching the door for this function Yeah, and I go into their master bedroom and bathroom and I yeah, I pooped there Yeah, yeah, yeah, they think that's Now let's just say who thinks Kelly every no me Kelly doesn't know about

knows about it now Yeah, no, it's wild. But I mean, it's it's also I again It's so direct the answer is so directly correlated to your relationship with the person. So if you and Kelly, she's your cousin, if you're longtime cousins growing up and there's a certain closeness, I think, that's when you, I would do this to certain cousins of mine because we're like siblings,

and I would do it to my siblings in a second. But if it's like a cousin I see every six years, that's a different, you know what I mean? I think it's all predicated on how close are you to Kelly? So what would you do if you really had to go? See, I feel like I'm doing the best thing for everybody involved. I kind of get it.

I kind of understand you are. Listen, let's just say we're at Christmas at your house. Yeah. And he, him being him, he just crushed the turkey dinner or whatever it was. We're at your house. And he goes up to your master bathroom feet away from where you rest your head at night. I would say, what the fuck are you doing? I'd be like, 37 other banters. Go downstairs. I'll ruin the party. There's a good layout for for shitting. Yeah, that is sneak away shit. Yeah, there's a good there's a couple of good ones to get away.

Now, if you if you did have a house party Would those rooms be closed up? Would you have the bedroom doors closed? I mean The master probably be closed. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think locked Locked is insane like who are you having over? It does like to go through medicine cabinets. Yeah, I do. Yeah You ever found anything good in there? Got some on me. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely Back in the day the time he didn't really discriminate again. I said the best fucking thing ever happened to me. So

You know people you know you guys do shows and people go like hey, man I got you, you know, I made this hat or I got awesome We and like the best artwork and a lot of it is on set yeah Yeah, exactly and it's and people are usually like you know they're saying super sweet things Yeah, and they and you get all this stuff, and you're like oh cool. Thanks, and we have it too like a lot of it on set I'm doing this signing a few weeks ago This guy comes up to me and he's like, hey man, you know, here you go.

And I'm like, what? He goes, open your hand. And I'm like, sorry? Cause he's like mumbling. And he's like, your hand, open your hand. And I was like, oh, okay. And then he just shakes my hand. Dude, he gave me two Vyvance.

What's Vyvance? Thick and Adderall, no? Yeah. Okay. Are they loose or are they in a bag? No, they're like in a little container Like it's vibrate and I was like, bro You're doing you're popping loose hand to hand pills like that. You're the best guy I've ever met Vy Vance is my fucking favorite really? Oh man. I mean I just you got a prescription to that No, I'm trying to I've switched doctors and I've tried to and they're all turned me down and you took it and took them

How do you know what it exactly was it could have been I've had I've had I just like you can see it You can see what I often get tried to give me blow one time in LA and he wouldn't let me take it No Listen, it blows a lot It's more scary these days though. Yes, so Listen don't it don't pay me to be the bad guy this is crazy I'm not doing everything to keep you alive. Have you ever had a Vyvanse? No I don't do drugs. I never have either

it's great if you you're nodding over there you've had it. Fan. Big fan. Big. And the big thing I learned from a regular Vyvanse user is have your mission set for the day. He's like don't just take it like watch a show user is have your mission set for the day. He's like, don't just take it and like watch a show. He's like, you got to be like today I'm doing X, Y, Z. It's like limousine. Yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised you can't get your hands on the script at your position. I've tried, dude. I've been turned because like one physician was like, well, there's some cardiac risk.

So I don't want and I'm like, whatever, dude. So I went to another doctor. That doctor was like, well, we need to like get what's well, that is drugs. He's be seeking me Hold on you don't got a doctor feel good on the payroll. No, you're doing it wrong man No, I figure you were waking up with IVs going to bed with IV I like I be the whole nine I get IVs pretty regularly, and I have some good contacts there, but I'm putting this call out Shout out to the homies in the bozos. I'm putting a call out There's no doctors and with my advance people out there. We can get a thing get you like off to off the street for sure That's fine. There's a crack pick pick

nurse practitioner We also do we just got some guy just DM me when we were on the road remember He was like I'm a physician's assistant and during surgery me and all the doctors listen to your podcast I'm really doing that surgery doctor you fucking want yeah, if I heard that's this plane as I was going on Everybody out there Fucking focus Hey there bozos. Let's talk about the good folks over there at Harry's razors Everyone in the comedy world knows not

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and treat yourself to soul today. Right now souls offering our audience 30% off your entire order. That's a lot of turkey. Go to get sold.com use the code garbage. That's get sold.com promo code garbage for 30% off doing by the way I keep going to like imagining somebody just like, Oh, I left something in my room and they go at their party and they see fucking Foley in the, he's got, he's got the door to the bathroom open. He's like, what's going on? And he's like, I'll be out in a minute.

And you're like, ah, fuck, man. He's going to take a shower real quick. Would you be upset? No, I would get it. I also have the bidet, the built-in, you know, the washlet. Yeah. Which is just like, once you shit with those, You can't go back. You feel like an animal dry wiping, right?

It's just the greatest thing worse So I would be like yeah, man run that spray get yourself nice and clean my man. Thank you, buddy Yeah, of course so if you were if you were at a party, and you didn't really know the people I don't know In a vacuum like say it's I don't know some of Christina's friends that you don't really know or whatever And you really had to go are you shitting in that place. Are you gonna leave if here's the thing He said he would leave if I get a shit that bad and it's like the older you get if it's gonna affect everyone there The I'd pivot the last over the less the less I'm willing to compromise like there's a age where you're like I'm leaving Yeah, I'm like, you know like I used to never shit on flights and then you just go

I'm shit. I'm shitting like I'm my body's telling me to shit. I'm like you just care less So I think if the tug was strong enough to like you gotta go I'm finding a way to go but I'm also like not wanting to shit near people for sure Okay, I would definitely try to find a different, you know part of the house or wherever to do it. I might even Look for another building. I'm just going just going I'm going somewhere. Yeah, the neighbors are grown That was also something too. Would you ever go to a party if you got there? Maybe you're there for like an hour. You really have to go Would you go home take a dump and then come back?

You know, I remember first of all, you everybody would know it's gotta be a good part You have to have you gotta have Kirk Fox on to tell you his shitting okay a Hollywood party story I love that unbelievable. I love that Kirk Fox. I remember I remember When I was a sophomore in college that I was we there was a part where of the campus called Price Village Which is like all these tandem, you know, housing units. So it's like me and a guy here, a shared bathroom, and then another two guys. Gotcha across the courtyard was a girl who lived in one of those named Mary Lynn

and Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn, Berkeley. Shout out to her. Shout out to Mary Lynn. I don't know how you're doing. I'm sorry to handle. Shout out to her. Shout out to Mary Lynn. I don't know how you're doing. Was this like kind of hippie sexy chick and I go over to her place

and we're hanging out and like a little bit of kissing and then she's just like down and in that moment I'm like I have to shit so bad. Like and I know I can't, it's not the kind of shit, it's a full fucking emergency It's an evacuation. It's an evacuation. I'm gonna dump I have and I could feel the gurgles I know it's gonna be explosive And I know it's gonna be mostly liquid and it's gonna be in his hold and if I were to might not make it out

Of the house I might not make it and if I was like I squeeze the bathroom here. She would hear and smell like a Catastrophe right I've done that so I did this thing like always use the bathroom here she would hear and smell like a catastrophe right I've done that so I did this thing I was like I got a I'm telling her as I'm my body something you have to shit in less than three minutes I'm like I got to go study and we have a test tomorrow and she meanwhile is like putting moves on throwing it at you she's kind of like really I'm like yeah I just it's an early one and I really got a study you know, but I would wish I could stay and Explosive diarrhea with a boner I cross the courtyard

I take a shit as I'm shitting the guys in the shared they go What the fuck is going on in there right because they can hear it and I'm like dude This is they're like they're like laughing and people are howling about this shit that I in theory was gonna take at her place Yeah, right devastated. So I just I clean up I'm like that was the fucking worst shit of my life and it doesn't even occur to me to go back after that I'm like, I'm too, you know Exhausted and the next day her friends are like you're a really special guy We heard that you were like you didn't want to move too fast and I was like, yeah

Yeah, yeah, I was trying to take my time with her. Yeah, take my time with her. Yeah, I don't rush into things But it dirt I just shit. I'm just shitting that happened to me. I woke up Went home with a nice lady from a bar Bruiser That happened to me. I woke up went home with a nice lady from a bar I'm I'm a bigger guy at the time drinking rum and Cokes all night nice Picardies, I was probably well whatever it was 15 coke throw a bacon egg and cheese on top of that Me and her probably split cheese fries on the way home hot tea

You shit there. Ah, dude. Did I shit there? I woke up like woke up hit me, right? You're like fuck it's like six o'clock in the morning or whatever. I Go, I'm not making it down this out of the hall down the stairs to the street I'm like, this is this is killer be killed and the bathroom. I'll go. Where's the bathroom? She's like right the next door next right here share a share a wall I get in there, dude It's like as bad as you can imagine I have to turn the shower on and she's like like Rob base Dirt bag let me and I went back and laid down next to her after fucking brown I'm gonna suck your dick

as me to her I heard one time I was at a girl's place and the other they had roommates and I heard the girl take just her roller yeah fuck sake a fit horrendous horrendous dude we're at we are in cleveland last week and we were sitting having breakfast at the hotel and there was a table behind us and I had my back to them and we're sitting there we're talking whatever's breakfast all of a sudden I hear like I'm like a caveman burp uh-huh I turn around it's the guys shit Yeah, and she's like excuse me goes right back to her eggs Benedict. I would have divorced god damn But that's good we can be comfortable around each other yeah, that's pretty wild

Yeah, it wasn't even like she didn't do like the lady thing of oh my god. Yeah, she was just like my bad Grits are good Yeah, all right well we got that straightened out I think I think that's a strong enough authority on it sure so I can poop in your master bedroom I'm allowing it. It's good to know yeah, but again. It's based on our relationship sure Your relationship now obviously we're we're friends were acquaintances were peers. Yeah, you know yeah, is that is that okay now? He's there where we pop by the house. Yeah for sure okay? I mean the Christina's another issue. I don't know what she's gonna We know about her. I think she'd be okay with yeah, I think she would also be okay with it

Everybody says that in theory. Yeah, you've never been on the business and I've written shotgun for a couple of these journeys. It ain't good You might have to repaint It gets into the walls dude. Well, yeah on your guys. I watched that your your special 66 very funny and you had that Playing it off nonchalantly Zio's MPs yeah

Do you want anything now I'm on no truck zone right now, what's that for drug ethics? Really he's all I Made him go see it. I asked him. You know I encouraged him to go see a therapist I wasn't really doing much after six months. Yeah characters see psychiatrists that guy gives them fucking everything but roller skates Now the pills are making a fucking crazy here, I can't get a read on it. I've had my wits end What is it called nel troxin now troxin? Well, I could be saying end. What is it called? Neltroxine? Neltroxine. I thought I could be saying it wrong. What is it? It's an anti-opioid, but they have secondary uses for it for over-eating.

Oh. Yeah. Not really working. No? No. But it takes... He said it takes a while to set it. We're going to give it another month. It's been three years. To see if it really gets in there. The Ozempics and the GLP1 ones were not really jiving with my with my system. Got it. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, I was telling him before my issue is something else. It's not just the

Ozempic is not going to fix long term. What is wrong with that? I was in her right now. Yeah, you have to shoot the root cause, not just the yes, which is something I've been learning in therapy. Therapy helps with that, right? 100% I the things that I thought were the problem are actually a symptom of what the problem is got it. That's great That's progress. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, keep going. They're throwing that in everyone's face. Yeah any time there's an issue This is actually just a symptom of the but we got a flat tire. There's a business symptom of a bigger problem Shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's that it wasn't the cheesesteak egg rolls

All right, let's get into it let's let's get into it we had some of the guys as you know when you join patreon We get to answer your garbage question on air being that he's Tommy buns nobody king of stories course story man You know I I mean? And very classy. Put through the ringer multiple times. Still comes up. Uh huh. We had we asked for some some shorter stories, garbage stories from people.

OK, and you can weigh in on those. This is from Justin. When I was about six, I swore at my parents. My dad drove me to an empty industrial area and pointed at a fenced-in section and said this was the cage for the swear house he told me I had an older brother Dustin at one time and they traded him to the swear house because he cursed too much and they would do the same to me if I kept swearing that's fucking talking about symptom of the problem that's real crazy yeah dude your dad I never thought about that to say you had an older brother, but I mean to dad's fucking trauma

That's a time traumatizing dude. I would like to know what else happened in this guy's life He ended up being a fan of this yeah, I mean definitely some vivance and that's fucking that fucked him up Oh, that's time. Do you have ever you see you have some kids that are you know you've probably said? They're a bit of rabble rousers. Yeah, yeah My wife's having to think that you on the tonight show go over the tension strong in the construction site Yeah, she's like is this a joke. I'm like no that is for sure is kids. That's for real Do you have any kind of empty threat or have you had any sort of empty threats like that? Do you know what's crazy is it seems like you're talking to two dudes when you when you tell the story if I get real

pissed off like really mad and I'm like The younger one laughs because he thinks it's funny to see this type of a mo, and I'm like I'm fucking serious And you can't help but laugh and then the older one has done this thing where I'm like, fucking seriously. He's like, he starts laughing. And you can't help but laugh. And then the older one has done this thing where I'm like, like one time, dude, he was doing like some painting shit in the kitchen and then he went downstairs and he put his hands on the wall, right?

So he put paint on the wall. And I was like, hey, what the fuck, man? And I start getting like all fired up at him and he's like, hey, hey, he goes, I'm a kid, okay? You don't need to talk to me like that. And I go, what? He goes, just talk to me normal. Don't yell.

And I'm like, well, what are you doing? He goes, I've just, my brain told me to put it on the wall and I just did it. And I'm like, okay, tell your fucking brain. Not to do it. Not to do that shit. He's like, all I need is you to talk to me in a calm voice. And I'm like, okay.

So like it throws you off. And then you realize that you're being, you know, like too much. But I haven't had like I haven't. Obviously, take him to areas if you want. Now, no, nothing. Take him out of the desert and leave him there for a couple of hours. Did your dad yell? Your dad was a calm. It seemed to be a stern but calmer man.

He was. He wasn't really a big screamer. Yeah, I wasn't really a big screamer. I think this is more of what I relate this to is when I was a kid, if I was being real bad, my mom would give me the empty threat, but I didn't realize at the time of sending me to St. Michaels or St. Gabe's, the home for boys. I'm going to have the people. There was a couple of times where like we were in the kitchen, she

pretended to be on the phone with this, like wayward house boys yeah called st. Michael's and that guys were gonna come and get me and take me to live there yeah your dad do your parents do anything like now I mean my mom's a third-world or don't forget that so she would do like one time me and my cousin learned all these Spanish curse words so we were yelling them and so our two mothers like my mom and her sister grabbed us Brian's mom spanked him and he cried and my mom spanked me and I laughed and then She was like she took her she had nails She took it on my forearm squeezed pinched and twist till blood came out and I was like ah Fuck and she was like I have to do something

You psychopath yeah, I had that before my mom that fucking I remember the pinch and twist And I also remember that one of my cousins because when you have like English as a second language parent They don't grasp all the little things She my cousin told my mom that I said crap and that that was a curse word and instead of my mom like Knowing that's not like a real curse That was a curse word. And instead of my mom knowing that's not a real curse, she shoved a bar of soap in my mouth. I've had that.

And I was like, what the? And then my dad had to come home and be like, oh, that's not a bad word. And she was like, oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Cool. I owe you one. Cool, yeah.

I've seen it too, because I come from a very yelly family, and my brother yells a lot. And then my nephew's now at the age where he'll yell oh yeah my brother my nephew will just roll his eyes I'm like yeah you've lost you lost all the power you can't yell all day every day and it'd be like the worst thing yeah my dad yelled it was like a big deal he wasn't a big yeller scary mine yeah yeah yeah I remember one time he got he got the phone call that my older sister had gotten a crazy speeding ticket and She was doing 105 and a 55 Jesus Christ. Yeah, and

He was he was at his dresser and he pulled the dresser out of the wall It was like a built-in because he was like god damn it and he just ripped the whole thing came out of the wall We were like, oh Yeah, 105. Yeah, what kind of car was she in Honda Accord? Do it yeah, yeah, those. Yeah zip and her explanation. She goes. I was dancing and I'd lost track of To a good song yeah You want to be doing it a hundred and five? Yeah, pretty cool

That takes the cake yeah, that's uh that's pretty good not topping that that's That takes the cake. Yeah, that's uh, that's pretty good. I'm not topping that that's Alright, let's see this one's from Alex long time ten dollar cover under brother undercover brother here My mom who works for Comcast and had four boys would drive us around the neighborhood and have us shout out Addresses that had dish satellites. She would then write down the addresses take them to work find their phone number and go sell them cable Damn, she did a fantastic job of making it a game. When years later I found out that we could afford daycare, she used that opportunity for us to make more money for us.

That's a fucking single mom. Yeah, dude. I mean. That's crazy. That is really crazy. I also respect the hustle. Me too. That's a woman making it fucking work.

Go around spotting satellites. Spot satellites. Write the fucking address down. respect the house oh that's that's a woman making it fucking work go around spot and satellite satellites write this fucking address down get the name old column and now we can target people holy shit that's fucking so she did that as a two-part system one to make money and one to not have to put the kids in day care yeah yes yeah whoa yeah I mean she taught them a lot with that you know I mean took away their childhood but I turned them into door to door business. Yeah, but definitely. Ah, that's like going around.

If your dad, I can't remember what movie it was. The dad owned a glass business and he would send the kids around and throw rocks in the windows at the storefront to break the windows so he could sell the windows. Yeah, it's great. That's a move. That's a real cool thing to do. Oh, that's like that's like a big old. I mean, I'm sure in other cities, too, but in Philly, they would always talk about if you called a roofer, they would go up on the roof because they're all like all the row homes are connected.

They'd go like three roofs over and just drill holes. And then they'd be like, oh, your roofs leak. And then after the rain, they'd go and knock. Hey, I know people are have leaky roofs. We just drew, you know, your knock, hey, I know people that have leaky roofs. Whoa. We just roofed, you know. I did your neighbors. Yeah.

I don't know if yours. You know, it's funny you say that. I got leaks. I like to say that. Yeah. I mean, we used to do that. I did, I sold door-to-door home improvements. Uh-huh.

And we'd go, and like, if we were doing a job on Mockingbird Lane, we'd go walk around the neighborhood, hey, we're doing a job on your neighbor's house We can give you a free estimate, and I mean no, but I mean you are you will walk onto someone's property It's like you're hated they scream at you get out of here We're calling the cops and I just didn't give a fucking I would have it all the time Oh, yeah, the cops would come kick you out of the neighborhood you have to have canvassing passes in most places Oh, you have to like file for a permit. That's in Philly though That was yeah in the tri-state area. Yeah. Wow, so you can't just that's soliciting soliciting

Yeah, you don't have anybody knocking on your door, right? No, I can't say that happens regularly. No, I mean it's happened before but it's not any regular basis No, all right. Does that happen to you here? No, fuck. No only thing that happens in the city is you get those electric guys were pushing hard They come once they deregulated the electric it didn't have to be through con ed all yeah They would just send criminals to your door. Yeah, and like not dressed no badges. No nothing Does it make guy and they say hey, let me see your uh? I'm here for the electric company to see your power bill and you're like who the fuck you're you're literally just a guy

I saw on the subway five minutes ago. There was a guy that was that wandered into our neighborhood and One of the neighbors was like hey, what are you doing like didn't recognize guy and the guys like I live here And the neighbor was like where he was like over here, and he's like no you don't he's like yeah Yeah, and he told the guy to leave. He's like don't come back like if you come back You know it's gonna be trespassing So the guy comes back and this time he walks into a house Makes a sandwich

Finds a cigar lights a cigar This guy's awesome. Yeah, and then they go somebody goes to the house I was like who's just casually in the mood for a cigar? He answers the door with half the sandwich and a cigar. He's like, what's up? And they're like, what are you doing? He's like, I live here. And they're like, no, you don't.

This is not your house. So they had to call the cops. But he just went into someone's house and just was like, I live here. It's pretty great. I mean, the cigar and the sandwich is pretty convincing. Yeah, I mean, I think the police are like, it's clearly this guy's house.

Like, no. It's not rude enough to smoke in someone else's house. It's crazy. That's fucking sick. Real quick, gang, let's talk about one of my all time favorites, Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions.

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It said police department, local number. I it on the car. It's it said police department local number. I answered it. I'm like, what? I had I had a leak, so I had people working there. I'm like the fucking house burnt to something or like they got in a fight something or someone broke in or something. I answered it's an Indian guy. And I'm like, he's like, oh, yeah, affidavit. He's dropping legal jargon on me.

And he's like, do you know anybody in California? I'm like yeah What is this thing to I got a couple people in Hollywood? Netflix won't turn my call. I'm a mover and shaker I've always said I'm a to be man. I Yeah, he's like dropping he's like affidavit and post off it and he's trying to credit and I'm like what the fuck Can I talk to a police officer now? I'm sorry. I'm like yeah bullshit. Yeah, I like can I talk to a police officer and he's like yeah one second

He'd transfer me to another Indian guy, and I'm like all right That's a good I'm like dude the Indians the Indian call center should just get even if it's a Russian guy or someone to fake in English And I'm gonna voice do the voice just fake it a little bit and I'd go are you you're clearly a cop and it said police on it said police Department and it is it was the actual police department number like we and we hung up I had Luke who I'm like I was on the phone. I'm like Luke Google is he's like that's the police department That's impressive crazy. It's so easy for people across the pond to do the American accent figure it the fuck out. Yeah, just do it man Yeah, learn the accent our Batman British

You can't fake a fucking Jersey accent He could have gotten you if he did. Oh my god. I would have been like dude. Yeah, what the fuck do you need like? We knew what was going on we were tense in the car Yeah, we just need your social to wrap this up Well, I'm also to the point where I remember we were talking about I was sure we were trying to take a loan out for the van We got the van got the van. Fuck. Yeah We're talking about the van and you were advised not to I remember that. Yes Who listened to the show and I got a text. He's like you stop trashing me. I love you big guy. I'm your business manager

What do you think when you got the van was he like he was fine with that Yeah, he was fine with it. He's just like well. You know it's them. Whatever. It's fine. Yeah, I'm a grown man I can do what I yes, thanks for idiots. Yeah, he thinks I mean none of his other none of his other Superstar clients are like I want a conversion man They're like buying jets and stuff. I'm getting denied loans for a conversion And I'm pretty sure I'm the only client of his that calls and says hey when's the payment drop he calls me he calls me like we're getting paid by the government they'll be like you get

your payment yet dude I haven't gotten my now I don't know when it comes at the first supposed to be the 14th sometimes it's a 17th sometimes the 11th one time I got it and he did it and he was he was saying so yeah well the payment came in today's what are you fucking kidding me dude it thought I thought we were robbing him that go did you get settled pretty quickly yeah it's just a text hey I didn't get it or whatever. I forget that it's our money You're gonna need all this at one time buddy But my credit's so bad that it's building back up. I'm at like 700

Yeah, I fluctuate between like the high sixes low set. I can't really break 705. That's my ceiling Okay, that's not horrible. It's not horrible, but he's like you get better rates or whatever like you got we got to improve this You know what I mean? So he goes I gotta he goes trust me. I got a guy that I can't do anything He'll take a ball. I'll take a bomb and get him. I mentioned this guy can do anything guy got back to us Okay, it's too fucked up. Yeah, he's got judgments and fucking delinquents. He's by a van did you? How's yours what is good a van know the credit No, no six something okay Yeah, you know I went down a little bit you went down

Well, I gotta be honest when we started this We didn't have a credit card. Mm-hmm. I got my first credit card while this show was happening with a $200 credit limit for real Yeah, those are first credit card first credit card. I don't have a bank account ever no I got off the grid. I didn't I didn't have like an active bank account the only bank account I got started in Navy federal account a real rags to riches story Holy shit, I have in a van's a pretty big I got started in Navy Federal account when I was a kid that had five bucks in it for most of my life I never used it throughout certain

Errors of my dirtbagness. I would have like a TD account for a minute. I would overdraft it I would have to pay it back close that account. So certain agencies started looking, snooping around for funds. Yeah, the last few years, anything that I got a check, I would take it to a check cashing place and cash it. So it wasn't until we started this where I was able to open up. Carry a balance.

Yes, open up my Navy Federal account and start doing that stuff. And then you have like savings and investments and all that too now? What's that? Did your guy make like no I gotta get another guy for that. Oh, okay. Okay, like a finance. I got an acorns account nice Yeah, start me too. I took it all out before the market Cash on hands good. Yeah, they say, what was it, Luke?

Luke's our new, Luke's our rich guy. He grew up with money. Yeah. So we, you know, he's Connecticut. I bought Bitcoin once. He bought, and so he's our financial advisor, which I don't think. But what they say, 90-10 should be crypto. Like if you have crypto, if you're heavy into crypto, you should still be only-

About 10% of the portfolio. About 10%. Mine, 100 mine 100 100 I'm all crypto all the time you're all crypto for real I'm Bitcoin XRP baby I got it all in Hawaiian shirts shit yeah by the guns I buy the how great how great's the van awesome but buddy you know we're done flying I think you love that comfortable it's like executive level Comfort better than Sprinter like the nicest Sprinter you could get that's like how nice it is on the inside comfortable chairs better than first-class We just did an episode from it. Yeah, we just we drove out to Pittsburgh

We could have flowed what I was just like that fuck it. Let's just see what it's like an hour drive it And it's great. You're hanging you're all together. You're laughing. It's fucking it's a good time Nice, I'm all boss seat belts a little tight in the front. I get that. Yeah. Yeah, that was I was about a 15-minute I'm not I get that I'm bigger but this seat belt is sure it should be bigger for I mean big boys drive conversion That's true. It is a big man's vehicle. Yeah, and you're giving me this fucking medium seat belt. It's cutting into my neck. We got to an accident I get decapitated can you can you get it redone? You get like a different seat belt in there? Maybe we're not doing mods to the hundred thousand dollar fucking van I think you should get a seatbelt extender on there. I should get one of those roller coaster things. Hell. Yeah, dude

You can make that all funny. All right, so I've update for the van in very You can make that all fucking be alright. Also I've updated for the van in very AYG bozo fashion we buy the van. Well, not cash. I took out a loan right making the monthly payments And we get it and it's got leaks all in it It's got five leaks so I didn't know they cut the top of that they take like a work van Yeah, cut the top off of it and then like retrofit the van. I didn't know that either did I so now it's cuz it's like sunroof And like all windows at the top so that leaked so we had it for a day And it was fucking we had just like a monsoon. Yeah, it's leaking every fucking which so did the place take? Yeah, they took care of the whole thing shut off red beans

Yeah, I Didn't deal with Fred directly. Yeah, I'm not a Tom Segura. Yeah, yeah, yeah sure I didn't deal with Fred directly. I'm not Tom Segura. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. That's unbelievable. We just can't win, man. We're just born losers. Which I'm alright with. You gotta lean into it. You gotta lean in hard. It's working. Yeah, you guys are making money doing this. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, we, you know, we were just talking with Pinterest. I was like, very grateful. You know, we get to make whatever we want, we want content wise and put it out and people like it And that's a good time. It's alright not not too bad All right, let's switch back the old patreon here. This is from Jack Went down to Paradise Grill in Delaware can't be good and convinced this bachelorette party that me and my two boys Were all college hockey all-stars He's spelled college wrong. We were 18. I'm doing it. No COLL a GE Oh collage

hockey all-stars We were 18 and my buddy was about to take this 40 year old home until his mom showed up and told the whole Bachelorette party that we were seniors in high school Oh my god, that's a fuck talk about a cock block That's that is a thing when you are that age because I remember we must have been like 19 and we went to Myrtle Beach Yeah, and we went and it was our spring break and it was off It was different than everybody else's spring break So there was no college kids down there and we were at the hotel bar hanging out with like four girls that were like 42 years old.

And we were all like, this could be the coolest night of our lives. Yeah. These whole fucking son kiss googers, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's not too bad. My my mom did that to me once. She cock blocked me. This was years and years ago. Yeah, I was in college.

Weird if it wasn't soon. We had a we had a wedding and I was dating someone at the time and Met this girl at the wedding whatever we were at like the after thing You know it like my cousin's house And we ended up like out in the backyard or whatever smooching and all that kind of shit my mom came out What are you doing? You have a girlfriend get inside? You have a girlfriend get inside Blue up my spot. Did you have a girlfriend? Yeah, you two-timing motherfucker Wow, dude. That's fucked up

Yeah, that's kind of unforgivable for mom. Yeah, very Very pissed. Yeah, I'm a fucking grown man. What are you doing? Yeah disgusting get in the car I can grab me out by my ear. Yeah, that's a tough one to bounce back from I had a friend do it once that was like, Really? Yeah, we were in Boston and this was like right at, like just out of college. And he and his girlfriend were in the car. And then I was in the car with one of his cousins

and her friend. Okay. And I was in the back and they were both getting handsy. Nice. On the ride back to their place. And then I was like, I got out with him and he was like, no, no, no, man. Like, you can't don't do that. I was like, what? He's like, it's my cousin. I'm like, you don't even talk to this guy.

He's like, no, but, you know, just don't. But it could have been a threesome. So I thought it was gone. What the fuck? You can't do that. Yeah, I still remind him of it all the time. Yeah. He's like, I don't really remember. I'm like, yeah. That's what I thought. I mean, it's gone. What the fuck? You can't do that. Yeah, I still remind him of it all the time. Yeah. He's like, I don't really remember. Yeah, that's what you forget. That's that's fucked up. You threw a fucking wrench in there.

One on one. I could maybe see it. But you have an opportunity for that. Don't do a threesome with my cousin and her friend. I'm like, cool. I mean, Tom, you're welcome at a family party. And they just don't do it in the master bedroom. It's not the master. Yeah. It was a real bummer, man.

Would that cross the line? What's that? If you were having a party and me and my wife disappeared and we were up there doing it in your bed. That seems crazy as adults. That seems crazy. Like, go get a hotel room. I literally would be like, there's other rooms you can do this in.

You don't have to do it on my bed. Yeah. That's crazy. Would you be upset if it was in one of the guest rooms? Very much less much. I think that's fine. It's just odd. That's odd behavior. Would you ask us to leave the party? No fuck no No, I'd be like dude. You're fucking animal, but just Tell me one in on this

You want to get that threesome? Yeah, that's insane. I got your clothes on It's crazy. It's crazy. You wouldn't want someone fucking on your bed of course now come on not it. You know especially me Break the slats on that thing oh my god I'd pay to watch Yeah, I really would Just from a physics standpoint I just want to see it, yeah Don't you want to watch other people fuck?

Yeah, yeah Me? Not you, Perth, no Luke and Tom I wouldn't mind Cause here's the thing, we're so used to seeing the pros do it And you know you don't look like that I'm sure it's awful what I look like I'm shocked it's awful what I look like. I'm I'm shocked that

My wife has ever let me have sex with her. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. She's a attractive woman and it's like It's brutal. She keeps saying yes. Yeah She let me impregnated. I look like an octopus on a runway fucking It's bad. It's just flapping around no good I want to doubt if that's on the patreon I'm sorry that's a $20 level yeah how much would you would you pay him to see would you be like I'll give you ten grand because he's probably you can listen you can probably get him for about eight eight

and a half he's just tell him it's the payment. I'll withhold the payment. Payments coming. If I did all cash, I get a better deal on cash. Sure. He likes to watch me have sex. Yeah. Huh. I'll jerk off for you. Jesus. 500 500. Well, what would your lady say, though? She what are you nuts?

She'd fucking divorce me. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, she'd be out Yeah, I have to find another what the eight crane What if they call your buddy's cuz what if you'd call her and you were like, hey, how do you what do you feel about? $5,000 cash today and she's like for what you like just let my friend watch this have sex Yeah, she would she would not she'd be like, I think I'd have to step in for five She would she would not should be like I think I'd have to step in for five Oh, there you go. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry 75. I just said 7500 No, yeah, she probably wouldn't do it for a billion. Oh Jesus. Yeah, those yeah, okay, just too much dignity Yeah, yeah, what's the number for you to have people watch? Yeah, who's watching?

Me and him the two of you. Yeah What's kind of weird? I know your wife do I know I don't know man because you have a good amount So it's really got to move the needle. You know what I mean not doing it for like 50 grand three million cash Yes, and now we can't go less Yeah, Chuck's gonna bounce jokes on you I've already taken a dump in the master bedroom. We're out the door. I just start writing checks for crazy amounts giving them to people I got a sandwich and cigar in my hand. I live here

Let's see here um Get naughty there for a second. I know. AYG after dark. This is from Cleveland depression. So a decade ago, we got my grandparents ancestry test. Never fucking do that. Have these run down your family at all?

All right, hold on. My grandpa took it and we were shocked to see where he was from. My stepdad does his, and the results come back, not match at all anybody in the family. In fact, my stepdad matched the guy who was my grandpa's best friend. Now that we've discovered that she's been lying to everyone in town, and we're shunned from the whole family, from all family gatherings

for three years now. Listen. This is all fucked up. It's let sleeping dogs lie. What? Why are we looking back at what happened in fucking 1950? Wait, so what did they exactly find out that the grandmother that I think whoever they the grandpa there, the yeah, the grandfather was not was actually a product of the grandfather's best friend. No, his I'm sorry, my stepdad was the son of his grandfather's best friend. No, I'm sorry. My stepdad was the son of his grandfather's best friend.

Whoa. But she was sleeping. Yeah, his grandmother was sleeping with the best friend. Yeah. So why would he get shunned? He was it just threw off the family dynamics. Like everything's changed. No one's who you think they are anymore. No one can. There's real crazy stories like this. So, yeah, I don't understand. and that shit was so popular like five years ago

So you know everybody and the saddest thing is that it keeps catching killers? You know like these guys are like getting away with it and then all sudden some fucking DNA Jammed up gets you real jam because that could that could actually jam up you if you were the killer But like say your wife did it or somebody exactly No, they don't need your DNA. They need anyone in your anyone who has your so they got what the the the California? Golden steak. Yeah, the gold state killer. The gold state killer was caught that way So that old guy in the wheelchair the old guy he his you know, like cousin somebody it was like his Nephews kid or something.

They go, it's a male on this side of the family. And they kind of go, all right, well, here's all the possibilities. And then it's like, here's a male of this age. Who was in the town at that time. Yeah. So how does that get to the cops? Do the cops automatically look at all those?

Well, the cops, like it's a thing where, you know, there's privacy issues involved. Right. Sometimes you have to have supply warrants to go through information to access it, but it is obviously, it's helping catch people because you're essentially expanding your database. You're right, yeah.

Before you would go, hey, let's put it into the known, convicted criminal database, and now you're putting it into a database of like, yeah. If you have a shred of DNA you can really that helps you a long way if you can access this data Plus I read somewhere recently that they're like gonna sell all that stuff eventually Black Rock's buying it or something Well somebody so one of them just follow it filed for bankruptcy or something or something like that Yeah, they got all that shit scoop. That's right. I think it was 23 and me Yeah, it's like the Black Rock owns all the land and the blood now.

Yeah, pretty. Blackstone bought ancestry. Dot com history. Blackstone. Yeah. Blackrock. The grill. It's a different one. It's a different. No kidding. Yeah. Yikes. All the blacks thought it was bad when they had your email. I think I got a cheek swab. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Yeah.

I would never do that shit. Nope. It's pretty crazy. Yeah Yeah, that's why we did it one time We're like so die-hard Irish Philly trash bags that like we did it and it came back like four percent French Canadian or something and my uncle was like no fucking way You're not no, but so fucking bullshit test You can't get mad at your fucking DNA You haven't met my family. I ain't French. Yeah French Canadian too, man. I got a lot of French Canadian. Yeah, dude. What is your breakdown? Well, it's cuz my dad's mother Her family is French Canadian. So his middle name was Nadeau, which is a family name

Wait, you didn't do the 23 and me did you? Yeah, I did. I did. Oh you did do it. Yeah. Yeah Oh, I mean I did it years ago. Like I was like, oh, I want to know what this is, you know, and yeah I have a huge can't believe you're not handcuffed. Yes. That's how you get caught 50% of my blood is Iberian, like Spanish blood, because both of them have Spanish roots. I didn't know your dad did, too, yeah. Yeah, so they both have Spanish roots. And then it was kind of, there was a,

the thing, the big surprise for us was how much Irish and English blood there was. Really? But that's from, you know, that's like your bloodline. Yeah. Kind of getting mixed up here for generations Yeah, right. So sure. Yeah, we had a bunch goes all the way back. Yeah, that stuff's no good, man. No good. Mm-hmm Don't want to know don't want to know I don't want I'm Irish. I know I'm not Italian or something. I

Wouldn't that be crazy if you did the swab then I got ripped off cuz I got a little wiener What if you were that way? Yeah, I know I don't have any time to me. I'm all Irish, baby I tell you fucking top the tails potato dick You got a nice hog on you what I don't know Don't you ever accuse that it accused me of that again. That's bullshit. I invite you here. I think we're friends You've been talking to I don't know my wife said can you stop saying that? I think we're friends. You've been talking to I don't know my wife's like can you stop saying that? No, it's fine. I'm a grower. I mean oh, yeah, it's like not even I always say I say the same thing whenever anyone sees my dick which is believe me it gets smaller

I have seen it get so goddamn small my for yeah, so yeah, it's a real grow Yeah, no, I'm I wouldn't't grow. I was actually the other day, I caught myself in the mirror as I had grown. I was pretty, I had grown up. I was in a Cleveland hotel room by myself. Didn't you have one of those, like, couldn't it be like, why isn't it like this all the time? Why, just give me half of this.

Just give me, I like, it grows like a hundred X. You know what I mean? Yes, yeah. It's all blood flow. I know. You take those D pills? No. Never. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. It's all blood flow. I know. You take those D pills? No. Never?

You've never tried one? Well, what, uh, blue chews? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Okay. Okay. Shout out to blue chew. Yeah.

Yeah. Love them. I get hard too quick already. But here's the thing. It takes you to another level that you don't think you need or want, and then you'll try it and you'll be like, oh my God. It's like high school boners all over again. Like they're pointing at the ceiling That's crazy. I'll take one when we do our video

I will pay you a good show. Yeah, you should take one just to see if what your wife thinks Okay, yeah, you hear that big She's still unimpressed Think you need more like this it taking that wrong. She's European So her where she's German. taking that wrong. She's European so her German she's German. She's check German. She's yeah her parents are Czech, but she was born and raised in Germany I love you in German and all that stuff a little bit. I know my vocabs. Okay, that's about it really yeah That's like what I was seeing a grower not I know it gets bigger Now like if their family so I can track a conversation that's good pretty easy

But yeah, it's impossible to learn there's certain words. I just can't say such an intense language Mm-hmm. I mean I've been living I mean we've been together like a decade. I learned. I don't know a hundred words. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good Use your multi the multi lingual yeah Spanish, and then I've been I've been taking Italian for a couple years now So I do that on my own guys better in himself. We need to do that pretty good got the van Get you some new shirts bands a huge fucking yeah, there you go. You don't got a van No, trying to run out of Porsche. Hey, I like a loser you know, I'm not trying to run in a Porsche. Yeah, like a loser. That's true. How many

cars do you have now? I think we asked you this on the on on two bears maybe. Yeah. Did we? I think so. I remember talking about it as a recent. Six. No. Eight. No. I think like ten or twelve or thirteen, something like that. Nice. Not a van. You got Matt. You know, Matt. Oh,

we're talking about Matt. Smoking tires. Oh, Matt. Yeah, Matt's fucking. He's the man. He's got us watches. That's another. That's a, you know, Matt knows what's up. That's two nice watches. Matt. Yeah, he knows watches and he really knows cars. Yeah. He's a really, really, he is like a fucking encyclopedia. It's really crazy. Like just off the dome, you just mentioned something. He knows everything from how that car was built, what the suspension is, the price, what it should be, how many miles are you should sell it for,

like he knows all of it. That's crazy. Get my seatbelt fixed. He could get your seatbelt fixed immediately. There you go. There you go. He would know who to call. Yeah, he knows the part in them.

Fabric store or something. Yes. Raymore and Flanagan's. Yeah, he would know who to call. Yeah, he knows the part in a fabric store something Ray more inflated against All right, let's see here we got time for one more This is this is just why this is This says when I was 8 to 10 my greatness is tough to track when I was 8 to 10 My great-grandpa lived in an old graveyard groundskeeper house after the cemetery switched to a lawn care company. That's a lot in a sentence, but I guess it's still next to a cemetery. My mom would stop by to do drugs with him and I'd have to wait outside so I'd wander

around the graveyard. One time we visited after I watched Casper the friendly ghosts so I walked around the grave's graveyard reading headstones and Trying to find kids my age to ask them to come play with me because I thought they'd be friendly holy shit I Saw a group of kids hanging out on the other end of the cemetery who heard me talking they thought I was a ghost so they ran away That's the saddest shit It's so disturbing this is so sad I was a fat kid with a rat tail and cargo sweatpants so that didn't help either Give me your snacks

That's brutal dude Holy shit the other kids are more traumatized to this day They're all sitting around like remember that goes where the fucking I know we saw that was a fat little dirt bag Casper bad ghost does this say the city he's in uh-huh it doesn't know that's amazing And wandering around a graveyard trying to look for kid ghosts to play with you And is he like re is he doing the math on tombstones like this? Yeah. Yeah, he's like most probably looking for the year He was born. Yeah. Yeah, like that's you know, 88. I'm 86 Holy shit, man. Your mom's inside doing drugs with your what was it your great-grandpa That's insane. I mean we've heard a lot of this is the I gotta tell you this is somebody I would follow up with

I feel like yeah, I think you need more So we need right in we need more story and a picture of this fucking groundskeeper house if you got holy shit But we gotta wrap it up gang what a home run mr. Segura thank you so much for coming in and sitting down with us. Thank you guys for having me. We love you bad thoughts on Netflix Absolutely fantastic. Thank you. Thank you can't wait to see it congratulations Appreciate you. Um we love you. Yeah, man. We appreciate you kippy. What do you got for? guys

The car game available at are you garbage calm get them? They're shipping within a day or two and they're moving quick We love you. See you next week. Peace