Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ryan Long: Canadian Garbage

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back to put comedian Ryan Long to the garbage test. Ryan talks growing up in Canada, trying to be a rockstar and shares some hilariously trashy stories. You know Ryan Long from his wildly successful YouTube videos and host of the Boyscast. Support our Sponsors: https://yokratom.com For a 60$ Kilo Today! Originally Aired on www.GasdigitalNetwork.com on September 18, 2020 LIVE SHOW: https://www.punchlinephilly.com/EventDetail?tmeventid=vv17FZp3GkIExeeF&offerid=129205 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Gang, quick reminder, Thursday, September 24th at 7 p.m., we're going to be doing a live show, R U Garbage at the Punchline in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Come and check us out. Yeah, guys, it's going to be a good show. We're going to do a live stand-up and a live podcast with special guest Mike Rainey from Dad Me podcast. So check it out. Get your tickets now.

Yes, sir. Hey, gang. It's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kippy. Just want to thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage. Yeah, guys. Make sure you subscribe. That way, you get the episode as they come out, and you can also go to gasdigitalnetwork.com, use promo code AYG to get bonus content and get the episodes before they come out and

HD streaming. Do it. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Oh, baby, hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is R U Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find

out if they go up classy or if they're absolute trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day here at Gas Digital Studios, the heart of the East Village, New York City, alive and well, back in the New York groove, feeling good, the falls fucking coming in. Get the fucking pumpkin pie ready because Uncle Hank is hungry. My co-host coming at you from right next to me. He's the brains behind the operation, ladies and gentlemen. You know him.

You love him. Do yourself a favorite gang. The next time you're reaching for a best pal, you go ahead and make it a kippy. He's on sale right now. Half price. Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody. 40% more forehead and get it while it lasts, everybody. Happy to be here.

Now in cans. Happy to be here. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Couple of quick announcements. Get the business out of the way. Live show. Philadelphia live podcast and standup show at the Philadelphia Punchline Thursday, September 24th at 7 p.m.

Get tickets now. They will sell out. Get them at the Punchline's website. Tickets will sell out. It's going to be outside, socially distanced, all the good business. They're doing it real well down there. Yep. Also, make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, also full video available on YouTube.

You can subscribe there as well. Get it. Do it. Done it. Love it. And that show's going to have a little standup mixed in with a live podcast with Philadelphia's own Mike Rainey. So like Kippy said, make sure you get your tickets and let's have a fucking great time.

But that's neither here nor there, ladies and gentlemen, because we could not be more excited to have our incredible guest here with us today. This kid's hot. He's a fucking get. We got him. He's in studio. We are excited. He is incredibly successful standup comedian, director, filmmaker, and producer.

All right. Check this out. He is the creator, the star and showrunner of the digital series, Toronatopia. And that guy and the TV series, Ryan Long, is challenged. He has two standup specials out, seen him on MTV, NBC, Netflix. He was nominated for director of the year at the notable awards. His YouTube channel. You ready?

Uh oh. Check out these numbers. A hundred and seventy seven thousand subscribers. Wow. His videos on social media and YouTube have millions upon millions of views. Ladies and gentlemen, he's a tall drink of water. He's a fucking good looking kid. Yeah.

It looks like the bass player from the Strokes, I'll tell you that right now, right? This guy's Calvin Klein chic all day. He's cool. That's the question. But he's mine today. Is he garbage? That, I don't know. But he's fucking cool as shit.

I'll tell you that. He looks like the guy that used to babysit or used to date my babysitter. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Ryan Long, everybody. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. What an intro. Buddy, look at you.

Coming at you from the other side of the table. Actually, I just realized that as we're talking about if I'm garbage that I just took my gun off. What the fuck? Rested it on my phone. That's next level trash. Because you were like, is this guy garbage? He was putting my gun on my phone.

It's like putting it behind his ear. To save it. I'm telling people you're ready to walk into the Cannes Film Festival. Meanwhile, you're sticking your gun under the table. What the fuck? It's a real cool guy move. Wow. That is pretty sweet.

Do you ever see people put it behind their ear? Back in the day? I was only Willy Wonka. I used to have the spacers, so I got the hole, so I rest one in one piece, one little piece in each of the holes. What the fuck? Buddy, thank you so much for doing the show, man. Yeah, we made it work.

We almost did it a couple of times. We almost did it a couple of times, and it was like, we would like, we'd schedule and I'd be like, hey, can you do four? And he'd be like, God, it's the only time I can do this week. To be fair, though, he was like, can you do four tonight? Yeah, I asked him, I asked him at three. He's moving and shaking. What are you talking about?

I asked him at 345. Tell us a story about how you grew up. You're a Canadian guy? I am, yeah. Straight from the suburbs of Canada, Ajax, Ontario. Okay. So, yeah, I grew up in, I was like your standard, causing trouble, skateboarding, and forming bands, kid.

Sure, yeah. Nice. Love it. Forming bands. I tried to do both of those very unsuccessfully, but yeah. What was the name? One of the months successful. What was the name of the first band?

We had a band called Element 113, and then I had a band called the John Stones, and that kind of was like my whole thing for a while. So I went to university in Guelph, I got kicked out of residence in the first month, so that should add to the story. Okay. What did you get kicked out for? So they gave me all these warnings, right? So basically, I got kicked out in the first month.

So I threw a party on the roof, then we broke our window, and then... Skins of Rockstar. Canadian Van Wilder over here. One time we broke into the library in the middle of the night, and then like threw a party there and slept there on the floor, and they came back in. Holy shit. That's fucking cool as shit. Dude, I'm very cool.

And then I... So what happened was, this is when I was like in the band and stuff, and then they basically banned me from all the other residences except for mine, and then they banned me from mine too. So I got kicked out of that. Lived in my car for about six months, so I feel like I'm trying to paint the picture in my car. Yeah.

Wasn't it Rolls Royce, was it? No, I had a Caprice classic. Ooh, big body bends, I like it. Yeah, it was pretty fun until it got cold. So I lived in this Caprice classic, and then for about probably a good four months, it was pretty... I don't know if you know what this is. Did your parents know this?

No, I didn't tell them. So you guys... So you were still able to go to school? Yeah, I cashed in all my stuff, and then lived in the car, went to a different university, like a lot, hung out there on the weekends with my other friends. Oh, shit. And then I was touring a lot with the band too, and then... But the car had no windshield wipers, so in the winter, I used to put around like a

little half hockey stick. How Canadian? You know, I'm a taper rag around it, and you have to do it with your arm. Holy shit. Dude, a car is a dead giveaway. What like the things you do in your car, yeah. It's like an old cop car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

Yeah, but playing the band forever, that was kind of like my job. We had a successful band in Canada. Because of that, I got some TVs doing like kind of Jackass style stuff, and I had this show that was like the Ryan Longest Challenge, which was like the allergy show kind of that sort of stuff. Got you. I started doing stand-up ten years ago, and we've been doing that for the last ten years and doing TV and making that stuff and doing videos, and then I moved to America about

a year ago. Hell of a time to move here, buddy. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? I moved to America to do stand-up comedy. I got into like most of the clubs, and then in four, and it was here for four months. Uh-huh. You know, this is how crabby it was.

So I didn't even get a place yet, because I didn't know where I was going to be most and stuff like that. Wait, this is recent that you moved down here? Yeah, moved down here like last September. Oh my god. Isn't that crazy? I was here for four, I was here for enough, but so I left, I have all my stuff in a storage locker in Canada right now, and my car is there.

I have a car, all my stuff. And then I go, okay, when I get a place, once I got a place, I was going to get a van and drive everything here. And then COVID happened. So I just, I just was like, all right, I guess I'm going to buy new stuff. You don't have much stuff. That's funny. You're like leaving Canada, like I'm going off to fulfill my dreams.

I'll see you losers later. Second, you crossed the border. Quarantine. Fucking play kids. Yeah, outside of my house, there's like riots every day. Yeah, things are going great, Ma. Things are going great down here in the Big Apple. Like America's wild.

Everyone's like, it's not always like this. I'm like, sure. I can't even go back. I haven't gone back. Cause when I left, I was like, I'm sure I'll be back all the time and I haven't gone back once. I don't know if Canada will let you in at this point, right? You can go back, but they want you to quarantine for two weeks.

No one's checking that shit. No, they are. Are they? Well, there's two parts of it. One, that means I have to go back for more than two weeks because if you go to the airport, they'll give you the ticket there and they've given out like over 5,000 tickets apparently. Okay. Call your house.

There's like an app they put in your phone. It actually is kind of a whole thing. Jesus, an app. It sounds like some commie bullshit to me. Did it? It is. It is some commie bullshit. This is America.

I'll go wherever the fuck I want. I'll drive down to Florida. Fucking no mask. Keep it real. Dude, I did stand up at some weird convention this weekend and they had name tags and everyone had a different dot on their name tag based on whether they wanted to do handshakes or not. Oh, dude.

That's so funny. What we're living in a fucking wacky world. Word alert. Yeah, with the nerdiest shit ever, dude. One guy wants a high five only. I'm only hugging guys. Yeah. I got a black dot for I only want elaborate handshakes.

It's got to be something special. What about growing up? How many brothers and sisters? What did your mom and dad do? What was the situation there? I got two younger brothers and so my parents got divorced when I was like in grade nine or something like that. Okay.

So then it was a free for all. Yeah. Who'd you live with? Your mom or your dad? Mostly my mom, but like they lived kind of close so it was like a little bit. Nice. Two Christmases? Yes.

Yeah. I got them playing off each other. This piece of shit did the same thing. Dude, if you weren't doing that, you weren't even fucking trying. My dad would come pick me up on like a two, like they lived like a few minutes from each other. So they split time during the week. So like a few days a week, I'd be at my dad's, a few days a week, I'd be at my mom's

and my dad would always pick us up at my mom's and I would get in the car and I would just act. I would get in the car like all pissed off. Oh, wow. And he'd be like, what's wrong? I'm like, mom said I couldn't get a BB gun. He's like, okay, dude, just like right the fucking Kmart to get a red rider or whatever. AR-15?

Yeah. I love it when people are like, I know, I'm just kind of messed up because my parents got divorced. You're like half of the people in the world. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Get the hell out of here.

And before that, when they were together, traditional single family home. So it's single family. Everybody always asked that. Yeah. You live there by yourself with just your family. Was it like an apartment, a condo or like a sit, like a single home? Yeah, I know. I lived in like a normal sub.

Canada kind of has that suburbs differently. Like the way that America has suburbs from my experience, maybe I'm wrong, it feels like suburbs is sort of like the more rich area, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're in Canada. It's almost not really that's not the case.

Really? Like I would say richer people live in the cities, like middle class and almost there's this, I was noticing this this weekend in America has this thing where everyone's kind of, it's almost like you're proud of like the fact that you have money. Whereas it's in America in Canada, you're almost like embarrassed of it if people do. So yeah, it's very like more modest of a culture. Like you wouldn't know really how much money anyone has and stuff where I grew up and it was all like this different.

There wasn't rich schools and poor schools. Like everyone kind of went to the same schools. Huh. That's why it was funny. Very opposite here. Yeah. Although they say something down here, we like to flash a little cash. Even if you don't got it.

Dude, I was talking to this guy this weekend of this thing and he was bragging about like his mom and his family and I was like, that is like the weirdest shit to me. What was he bragging about? Like his mom's like a senator or some stuff and he was kind of like someone's talking about someone being famous. He's like, well, my family's kind of famous. Like he was, yeah, that's a piece of shit. Yeah, dude.

He was proud of his mom's accomplishments. He's like, my mom, he's a senator. That's like bragging that your friend has a big dick. You know what I mean? Like, dude, you should see Steve's dick. It's huge. I'm his friend too. It's fine.

Yeah. Mine's okay. But his is fucking awesome. We're not going to lie. Dude, he fills them out. You can't do anal with this guy. That's too funny. All right.

So and what did your dad do growing up? My dad, like my family owns a couple of like music stores. Okay. So it was in the family. I always say that like my dad. My dad's side was kind of like, you know, like high, like middle, like good class European people. And my mom's class is like disgusting Irish trash.

We're disgusting Irish trash. Welcome to the family game. So my mom's side, there's four brothers and two of them have died of heroin overdose in the last four years. In the last four years? Isn't that crazy? That's wild, dude. That's a, that's a fucking, those are bad numbers.

Anybody older than me doing drugs, I'm always like, God damn, you're fucking still fucking doing it at 65. Well, that's just a part of life at that point. They aren't partying. Yeah, dude. It's not like they're calling their buddy. Like you want to split a bag on Friday, like different type of drugs, they're not choosing to do drugs, dude.

I used to talk about this when she, when he died, my grandma, there was like getting old and then we didn't tell her that he was going to die because she was kind of like on the way up and then she like didn't die. So she kind of got better a little bit. Where's Steve at? You're like, ah, fuck, dude, that's, that's his brother's name. It's pretty cool. But that was straight up it.

And I was like, she's like, where is he? And we're like, that piece of shit. He never visits anymore. You didn't tell her that fucking diabolical. It was my mom's decision. The other people were like, we want to tell him. My mom's like, you ain't saying shit. And they're like, all right, they should have talked them up.

They've been like, Hey, he turned it all around. He's like, Hey, he's out in Hollywood. He sees in the pictures, my eyes, in the pictures. Yeah. He's in the new Marvel movie coming out in 2025. Hang in there. Yeah, they're, they're pretty trash on that side of the family. So your mom's family's Irish and your dad's family, where are they from?

No, no ethnicity. Like my great-grandfather fought in the war for Canada. That's how that's a no ethnicity. That's how bland it is. Yeah. They got, I don't know, whatever. If you go back, it's like probably Europe. Yeah, Northern Europe.

Nothing. Like they, they've never put it this way. I have no idea how they got here or who came or, you know what I mean? That's never been talked about. That's old school. I like that. I was back so far. That just goes that far because Canada hasn't been there for a long time.

Yeah, it's just like stick and move. That's in the past is the past. We're looking forward. Let's fucking go. Those motherfuckers can't do shit for me now. Change the last name and keep it moving. Holy shit. All right.

So we got a little picture here. So you would say growing up before ninth grade, pretty, like you said, pretty picturesque, suburban lifestyle. Yeah. Do you mean my brothers? Well, it was like, it was one of those things. Like me and my brothers were kind of like nightmares, but it wasn't really their fault, if that makes sense.

Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. They didn't really do anything good. They were like pretty good parents. My dad was big into like you play in hockey and you want to be the coach and all that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Mom's like normal kind of. Typical shit. Yeah. But I think is just after a while, you just kind of like, yeah, but you could become like, especially in the suburbs, it's like there's a lot of boredom, you know what I mean? There's like, yeah, you just become like a dickhead kid, you know, just like, oh, we're going to go fucking smash a mailbox or whatever the fuck it is.

Exactly. And it's not. Yeah, it's like a fire in the woods or just whatever the fuck. That's just what you did. Yeah, for sure. We used to have this joke. We used to egg this guy's house so much, like the joke was they had a permanent window washer.

Yeah, I was just telling that story. Do we did the same thing? We egged this kid's car daily for like three years. Yeah. Dude, to the point where like he was late for school because he got like suspended because he had to wash his car every morning. It's brutal. But there's nothing else to do.

So you just fuck around. I know. And I like the way you phrased that because I look back on it too. And it's like me and my brother, you know, we were close in age. You're both, you know, athletic and we were fucking, you know, type A or whatever, Alphas and we put my mom. He's type two. What's up?

Shout out to Lipitor. And like we were like not bad kids like, you know, Robin, anybody, but like we were just bad. Yeah. And when you look back on it, like I remember like, you know, the teenaged angst, but then I look back on it now and I'm like, I didn't have any fucking angst. Like, why was I like, why are we such piece of shit to work? We thought it was funny.

I mean, yeah, dude, especially how old are you? I'm 35. Yeah. So like Jackass hit around that time. So I was like, huge. And Tom, Tom Green was like, Tom Green was probably, yeah, you Canadian kids will sit up there fucking, fucking with your parents. Oh, you paint like a dick on your dad's car.

Dude, yeah, that's why when parents stuff, it's like, when people care about their, I, they could have died. I wouldn't notice. Do you know what I mean? Like now, obviously that, you know, you wouldn't want that. But like, I remember my mom was like, you know, me and your dad are getting divorced. Doesn't mean we love you any less. I'm like, well, you love me less.

What the fuck are you talking about? I can still, I can still put Ted in a shopping cart and put him in a little bush, right? I care about me less. I don't think of it until now. What the fuck are you bringing at him? Are you guys still together? Oh, he's still here?

Well, I care what you guys are doing. Dude, I was just, I was just talking to my mom about this last weekend because like now I'm married and my wife's like, so what's your mom doing? I'm like, well, did she call? I don't fucking know what she's doing. I'm like, I don't, I like, I check in like once every six weeks. She's like, Hey, everybody's got to call your mom. That's the one.

I do. But like, it's never like, it's never top of mind. She'll be like, Oh, so what's your brother doing? I'm like, yeah, he's fucking chilling. I guess dude, I really, I know everything they're doing every second of every day. Yeah. You're looking for an inheritance. You're making sure someone croaks, trying to keep, trying to keep everything

above board. I'll be down to, I'll rake those leaves in a couple of weeks. I love you. Well, yeah, I know I'm, I've, I've, I don't have to do any of the tasks now that I'm out of country. So I've cracked the code on that. There you go. Yeah.

How do you, do you think you live trashy now? Like, I like, do you think, do you do trashy shit or do you try to keep it together a little bit? Yeah, I'm a little trash. I like, I eat trash. Like that's a, every girl, the person I've ever dated with, like, we, we went to like the most fancy restaurant and I like smuggled in vodka and a while ago, and she says, recently?

Yeah. That's garbage. Yeah. Like, I'm, I'm big into like macaroni and like craft dinner with macaroni, with like beaners cut into it and stuff like that. That's, that's been big the past couple of weeks. Yeah. You eat like a guy in a band.

Yeah. You're like a guy in a band and put it this way. I've had like a lot of, you know, times where I like did had less money and now I got some money and I've made zero changes. Yeah. That's trash. I didn't dress differently. I wouldn't buy a new car.

I wouldn't buy a new thing. I don't do nothing different. Do you have your own place now? Do you have roommates? No, I got a one bedroom in East Village. Nice. Is the bed in the corner of the room? Oh yeah.

That's trash. That is a, that is a, is that trash? Yeah, dude. What? Is it a queen or is it a single? I have like a queen bed. Is it on the floor? Do you have a bed frame?

No, I got a bed frame. I got the Amazon. Headboard? No, it's one of the, yes, but it's like the Amazon one. You know what I mean? It's all in one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you outside.

As long as you got a headboard, you got no headboard. Yeah, yeah, no, but I've lived that, you know how, I'll tell you something about trash it was when I lived in the, I used to live in like the band houses with like, five, no sheets, just one blanket and holes in the walls and shit. I was so wrapped up in that like lifestyle of like, you know, being 21, you'll do a band or whatever that I remember a girl being like when I was like 23 or 24 and she was, I moved into a different place.

She was like, oh, you know, obviously that was bad. And like girls like it's so much better when you have your own place. And I was like, what? Yeah. Like I couldn't believe what she was talking about. I was like, I couldn't believe what I'm hearing right now. I thought girls thought I was sick. Yeah, this is, wait, this isn't fucking awesome.

Dude, I thought I literally thought girls thought we were like the coolest. Yeah. I remember, they do when they're 20, then when they hit 30, they're like, we got to go to IKEA. Yeah, yeah, that's what happened. I think I just dated, but I remember being like Flabberg and then I called and I'll click for me. Like all the numbers came out, all of those times those girls were disgusted.

I thought they thought we were sick. I remember one time in our main area, the window broke and winter in Canada. And we just didn't fix it for the whole winter. We had a broken window and girls would come over and like break their foot on glass and we'd be like, oh, shit. Yeah, the window broke. And they'd be like, you broke a window? When?

Like we're like a month ago. I don't know. That's a testament to your looks. They're breaking their cutting their legs. Nobody's coming to stay at my house with no windows. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. The fucking living room is dirty.

They're leaving. Well, I mean, sometimes we probably didn't get repeat offenders, but you just didn't probably notice. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, what happened to that girl? I guess I stopped calling her. She must have moved there sometimes.

She left mortified, dude. Deleted your number. Guess she didn't like me peeing in her purse. I don't know what her problem is. Can you ever do this? I remember back in the day, like if we'd like come back with girls or whatever, and then we wanted to like, we're like, oh, come back for drinks and we didn't have drinks. So we make Red Bull vodka, but put no vodka in it.

But it's just like, because we need an event. Yeah, come back. Yeah, we got vodka. They're like robbing alcohol and shit. Yeah, you just give them a drink with no alcohol, just so we can pretend we're drinking to like have an event. I've done that. I've done that.

We're like, yeah, come back and we'll drink some of my house. And like, I just have like a bottle like Seagram's gin or something. I'm like, what do you mix it with like orange juice or something? Seagram's in half and half. What the fuck? vodka waters my drink, though, like still to this day. Really? Yeah, one of the reasons was is because when I was singing, it used to all the other ones

are way worse for you. Like beer and pizza, anything like that with carbs. When you sleep, it's really bad for you and just like the dehydration and everything. So I got really into drinking vodka waters. And then I just like only drink that. And like a lot of it was because of the voice stuff. That's pretty classy though. Oh, is vodka water classy?

It's pretty bad. Yeah, it's always like pop off vodka or something like that. What kind of vodka? Just what after? What will you order now? If you go out and you say, let me get a vodka water. I don't have a choice. And they say, what kind of vodka you just say?

Well, whatever. Yeah, I'd say whatever. Well, if you're doing well, vodka, it's pretty tough. Zero choice. Switch to kettle one. Go Tito. He'll get Tito's guy. Do you know what Stoly vodka is?

Yeah. I was in one of their commercials back in the day. So like for a couple of years, I would know that. Would you tell people that as you were sipping it? Oh, yeah, that would be that. Yeah, I actually did the commercial for this. You want to come back to my place? Hanging up by TV, hoping it comes on.

You want to come back to my place and cut yourself on some glass? Oh, look, it's on TV again. Are you playing a VHS right now? Oh, man, that's funny. He didn't have a couch, but he was in a commercial style. Yeah, I had no. But that works with women, especially in their 20s,

when you're like the rock star guy. Oh, that's what he did. I'm fucking sliding off my seat right now. What are you talking about? He's gorgeous. That's the shit in your pants. Dude's fucking cool. You know what?

I get this, but it's like, the funny part is it's like, I think when I start a comedy, people are like, oh, this guy's good looking, but like for comedy. Sure, yeah, you're like a regular looking guy. In the band, he's got the look though, he's totally different than any other band guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, no. On the Warp Tour, I look like a guy. Sure, yeah, you're just, yeah, exactly. You could be in the band or you could be in the audience, or you could be a roadie at Warp Tour. Yeah, you're not Tenacious D walking around or anything like that. But nobody, no comedians have actual identities.

You know what I mean? It's just like, oh, that guy wears a hoodie and jeans and nikes on stage. Like he comes, the guy's got a fucking nose ring. That's like a, hey, I'm a guy. I used to look way more ridiculous. I didn't tone it down for comedy. No, comedians have the same.

You kind of have to, yeah. Yeah. Because if it's something takes away from the joke, or if someone's looking at your wacky hair, or you know. Which I had. I toned it back up, actually. I toned it like way down, and then once I was like a headliner

and doing good and stuff and kind of had fans. Yeah, you're like, I couldn't. I toned it back up, but I do realize you're losing something, but you're like willing to make that sacrifice. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Leather pants on stage, just like. No shirt on him, shit.

No, dude, even when I'd wear the leather jacket, I'd notice I'd do like 4% worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people are like, why does he have a jacket that's fucking 85 degrees? He can't look too cool. People just once, even if somebody, as an audience member, checks out for like a couple of seconds.

Yeah. And you know what I mean? They're like. And they like don't like it. Like people are like, what is this? You're not that much better than me. Yeah, it's like, there's a huge thing. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, get out of here. That's funny. Leather jacket. Oh, I love it. All right, let's play a little R U garbage. Let's do it. Let's do it. So, Ryan, we're going to ask you a series of questions.

We'd like you to answer them open and honestly. All right, if it sparks any stories, please feel free to elaborate. Like I said in the beginning, you're a monk's garbage. So don't worry. No one's here to judge you. My chick's been like hitting me hard on like being white trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, real white trash. Actually, they all have, yeah. What is she breaking your balls about? Like food thing is one of the main things. But then also like my decor. She's like, you just literally like checked out. You literally bought that, bought out the Ikea calendar and you think it's classy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, that's a real garbage move. You know, you get a couple of bucks and you're like, yeah, I'll get the nightstand that matches my dresser. You know what I mean? That's like a real. And she's like your garbage. I'm like, garbage, you know how much that computer costs?

Yeah. Like I'm pointing to stuff that's not furniture. That's garbage. You know what I mean? You know how much my rims on my car are right now? Ah, that's too funny. All right, so let's go back to the time. Pre-divorce, you guys are, you're in your home.

You're in Canada. Some of the things that we determine garbage are not some basic questions that we have. One would be what was the name of the street that you grew up on? Wills Drive. Not bad. A drive is pretty good. Drives are good.

Drive is pretty good. We're looking for cul-de-sac. We're looking for court. Or if like you grew up on the off the turnpike or something, that's pretty bad. Trying to stay away from like, you know, Douglas through way, things like that. That's what you want to avoid.

But drive is pretty nice. That's pretty good. What was the name of the grocery store you went to growing up? Um, I don't get involved with women tasks. Yeah, talk to my mom. Yeah. Yeah, but probably, you know, I grew up in one of those suburbs that every five years

it looked like a completely different place. Like if I go back there now, I wouldn't even recognize it. For the better, for the worse. It gets souped up now, you know what I mean? And the demographics changed like it's an entire, like when I grew up, it was kind of mostly black people and white people. And then my brother's seven years older than me

and his age is like mostly like Indian dudes. And like, like that's how quickly the- It changes. It changes really, really quick. So, um, and then every places that were just kind of like subdivisions, now they're just, you know, big malls and court, like, so I was there a little earlier on.

So that the grocery store would get changed like every two years, but it would have been a big, it would have been a like a big name one. Gotcha. But you might not. Middle the road. Yeah, we probably won't know,

but what was the name of it? Or what was the name of one of them? Use Whole Foods as a benchmark. No, lower than Whole Foods. Okay. Like a big one where it's like Whole Foods are kind of small, right? Like I'm talking about a huge-

Oh, like a big- Like a big- Like a big- Strip mall, like grocery store. Strip mall grocery store, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay. Was it, would you say-

All Strip malls and where I grew up. Would you say it's like lower end or would it be like middle of the road type? Where do you think it leans? Like would you shop there now? I'll tell you one thing that probably would help to make the judgment is I didn't know there were higher class

grocery stores. Okay, yeah, okay. Okay. Like to me, that was a grocery store. I knew that's what you were getting at. You were fucking dancing around in- Yeah. Like when you were like, was it high class?

I'm like, I didn't know there was different- It was trash, all right? I'm like, there's a higher version? I guess, like to me, I was like, I mean, if you're like a health buff, maybe you go to a different place, but I'm like, yeah, there's the grocery store. Yeah, okay.

Oh, do you know what No Frills is? Yeah. Okay, so my family didn't go to No Frills. Okay. So that would- So you were at least in the upper 50% set. But I went to No Frills later in life. Sure, yeah.

Who was talking about No Thrill? Was that Nate Mack? I forget somebody was talking about that. Okay, No Frills is like the real, real- The bottom of the barrel, fucking. Yeah, the name, they literally have zero frills, dude. The beach- And they make everything.

They're like, oh, here's a ham in a fucking beach town. You're like, what the fuck? There's no bags. So you bring your food back in cardboard boxes? Yeah. We have to pay like $0.10 per cardboard box. That's a tough look. If I ever saw my mom fucking coming from the back of the car

with fucking cardboard boxes. But I'll tell you, I think we just weren't as close to the No Frills. I don't think- You think, if you were, if it was GMM, like, yeah, I think No Frills was next door. It's like, yeah, I mean, we just- Just went to the one you had. Okay.

Oh, that's too funny. Yeah, we went to the grocery store that was closest. Okay. That's what happened. Okay, okay, okay. Let's see here. There was no name. Like, I get it.

My family wasn't like, we're just like, they kind of, my dad had like a company that was doing well, but he didn't, you know, he took probably a salary that was, you know, your normal average salary. My mom didn't work. So it's like, we didn't, you know, if you asked my dad for money, it was like, what do you need $5 for?

Like, he's just- Sure, gotcha. That's just how he is. Captain's on a tight leash. Yeah, he's just that guy. He's cheap, you know. Now, now that we're all grown up and gone, he's letting it fly a little bit.

He's letting it fly. That's cool to see. My parents are doing the same thing. Oh, yeah. As soon as we went to college, fucking things were getting redone, added on, pools were getting put in, golden retrievers were getting bought

and trained and all this shit. Yeah, he's got a fleet. He got like a second car just for him. Like, he's got two personal cars, and then he got like a motorcycle. Yeah. He got an ATV. Like, he's super and all.

He's got- ATV. Yeah, dude, for like, they have a cottage, like with my grandparents and stuff there. But they're, he's like, souping it up the way he never would have. Ever do it this way. We played hockey.

I've never not had used hockey equipment, like from the store. Now he's getting like flashy. But he had to do it for himself, too. He bought the oilers. You know what I mean? It's like, when you don't want your chick to know that you have got money,

because then you gotta, so you're like, I don't have cash, but then you gotta eat. Because yeah, the second you give him a glimpse of what's there, you're like, well, what the fuck? You know what I mean? That's a pretty, that's a weird switch on the dichotomy, the Canadians.

I like that. Yeah, so I had that with, he had that with everyone. Like, he's like, we don't have cash like that. But then, and then what? He's pulling out the fucking jet skis. Now that we're all gone. He says, he's like, well, I didn't have

as much money back then. That's what he says. Yeah. You never know. Interesting. Did you have a garage growing up? Yeah. Did you have a refrigerator in that garage?

No. No, my dad's not like a beer guy. Okay. No, he's like a... Meat freezer? No meat freezer. What'd you guys keep your ice pops? The normal freezer.

The normal freezer. Canadians. But a lot of my, it was a meat freezer area. Like, this was a big Ajax, Ontario staple. I'm sure. The basement with the freezer, with all the good shit in there. Yeah.

We didn't subscribe to that at the long haul. Okay, okay. Well, that can go either way, because we say like... The old man was tight, huh? What the fuck? If you have a fridge in your garage, it's really a trash.

It's trash genetics. Very trashy American suburbs. Because you're going like, oh, I can't throw out the... No one goes and buys a new garage fridge. That's the thing. Like, no one's spending two grand on a refrigerator for the garage.

It's like, you're dead uncles, or you find it on the street or something. So it's like, oh, this is expensive. We got to keep this. We had sort of a mix of Jewish monetary sensibilities with white trash existence. Capabilities, yeah. Even just like, you know,

my dad's the type of guy that would wear shorts to the wrong event, you know what I mean? And then get into an argument at the golf course that you're not like, what's the problem? He's out there in jeans or something. He's like, why are you kicking me under the table to his girlfriend guy? Yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't get what's going on. He's like, what the fuck? I'll tell you the... Why are you kicking me under the table? Wow, what did I say? Well, I got a funny one. He was at my uncle's funeral. And one of the people that they all work together with,

he was in a big circle. So it's his brother, but this guy just works with my uncle. And he died. It was at my other uncle on my dad's side. So he's like, oh, you guys got to see, this guy does the best bubbles from Trailer Park Boys impression.

At the funeral? At the funeral. And the guy's like, oh, Steve. Your dad said this? So my dad's like... At his brother's funeral? Yeah, he's like, oh, you got to show them. It's so fun.

And he's kind of like, I can't like... Yeah. You can't do it. And he's like, oh, come on. And there's like 10 people, and my dad's trying to coax him into busting out the bubbles impression in front of like, his co-workers, like family.

Dude, talk about being a left field with a hockey stick. Do the Gilbert Godfrey guy. Do the Eulogy as Gilbert Godfrey. Got it? Do it. He doesn't give a shit, dude. That's great. Talk about it.

I can give it a fuck. Yeah, he kind of is one of those that doesn't give a fuck. He's doing got-your-nose and shit. Yeah. It's kind of like, why are you wearing that? Why? Why not?

Why do you care? You don't care. That brings up, if you had to go to... Yeah, I see. I don't know about you. If you had to go to a wedding tomorrow, right? Tomorrow you get into your own no wedding. Do you have a suit that fits that you can wear tomorrow?

No. Okay. However, that's because it's in my Canada stuff. Fair enough. But you own a suit. Yes, but that suit is like H&M. Sure. Yeah, that's fine.

Well, that's the way to go. H&M suits are like fucking 99 bucks. You can buy one every year. However. Well, like there's grown men walking around here, really like to, you know, they're like, I'd have to go get a suit tomorrow. But it is true, because I'll tell you what I have done.

Because I know I've never worked like a normal... You know, I was in the band. Sure, yeah, yeah. So I've never had like a... Oh, you were never in a fucking CPA? I've never had a traditional job after like, you know, summer jobs and stuff. Got you.

I've never had a job and stuff like that. They were just like summer kind of things, right? But I have been to... I have had a few times where I went to a fancy event and I borrowed off of my friend. Like we met up beforehand and I was like... Yeah, you're like, I hope this fits. Like just like crossing your fingers like, fuck.

I'm the friend. Yeah, short pants, big coat. I'm showing up with a Bayes Steve Harvey. Who's the guy in shoulder pants? Yeah. Yeah, the old school suits. I have to say, I just want to bring this up. For garbage purposes,

it doesn't matter if the suit you had is a fucking Brunali or an Armani. It is still in fact... Oh, thank you, buddy. In a storage facility in Canada. Yes. So that's gonna be... Most of my possessions...

Yeah, but he just said everything's stuck there. I know. I got... Later in my life, I kind of got like... I want to say girls would probably disagree, but I got... I bought some like paintings that were 500 bucks, but now I'm thinking about it.

It's like they're skulls and shit. It's like a skull with a snake coming out of the eye. Yeah, it's kind of... That's trash. Yeah, it kind of looks like a guy that... You know, I had like guitars on the wall and stuff, so it looks like a guy that was, you know, a tattoo artist. So you have guitars on the wall?

Well, not now, because once again, everything hit him. But I got him up in Canada. You should see my storage unit. It's great. Yeah, my chick says, I'm gonna be like, I got the storage locker. She's like, do you need to bring... Yeah.

I'm... Oh, yeah. Are you sure the lava lamp's gonna come? We're bringing in a beanbag chair and shit. What, are we gonna go up and get the black light? What are you talking about? Yeah, I had a whole mix of stuff. I had electric drums in like my main living room and stuff.

That's fucking good. But yeah, you're right. The candle just burning on the table. Oh, I got that story for you guys in the world. This is the ultimate... Okay, this is the ultimate story. So my dad got remarried, right? I love this story.

I always kill him on it, too. But he got married and he got married at the Toronto Maple Leafs game. Oh, my God. Oh, hold on right there. That is... And they wore hockey jerseys when they did the vales. Oh, my God.

Just a big fan, you know? You got a hell of a squad this year. Isn't that great? Dude, did you go? Of course. Yeah, it's my dad's wedding. That's so funny because we do... Did you wear a suit to that?

So the best part, though... No, you were a dress shirt, but with the hockey over top. And they... So before the wedding, they got everyone's sizes and you got everyone got a jersey. This is the most Canadian trash thing I've ever heard in my life. Hold on, though. Fucking hockey jerseys ain't fucking cheap.

This is what my dad said because I was making fun of him. I go to the next wedding. He's going to be in the NASCAR track. Like, I was kind of killing him. The white trash, and he goes, White trash, you don't want this dog's cause? Yeah, that's garbage. When you start quoting the price of your fucking hockey jersey

at your wedding, you're trash. I know that. Wait, so that's actually... He couldn't fathom. He goes, What are you kidding? White trash. What are you talking about? The fucking Leafs.

What are you talking about? We got fucking macaroni and hot dog bites over here. Yeah. Try a slider. What do you mean? Dude. That's a good point, though. Those hockey jerseys ain't fucking cheap.

Oh, he's talking about the box. Yeah, the box of the box that they did it in. They did it in a box. They did it in section 202. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, guys, the guy's got a little bit of class. He got a fucking box. Centerize right before the drop.

Oh, my God, dude. That's fucking... I mean, there's a joke, or not a joke, there's a recurring question that we just asked the fucking last guess. If you had, not that you would ever wear a sports jersey to a wedding, maybe you would with this family. Who knows? But if you had, I'm not asking you,

we know the answer. It's a fucking hockey jersey. If you had one of the running questions, if you had to wear a sports jersey to a wedding, not that you would ever do that, what would you wear and why? I think you wear a backwards baseball jersey like Tasmanian devil. Oh, there you go. That's pretty good.

But the sweat, the fucking hockey sweater makes sense. He did it because you get to get the collar shirt under and it comes out. You look like a hockey player. Yeah, I mean, man, I never thought anybody would have it come to life. So Jared Campbell told me this and I'm 90% sure it was Alex Pavone that did this, but he was at a funeral in the States and the people gave each other hugs and said it go birds. And that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude, I, yes, as fucking. Maybe it's more normal here, but he told us that story. I was like, fuck it's the funniest thing ever. Oh, so, yeah. He also hates Philly. Sure. So we were also at a Philly funeral not too long ago,

and there was a guy selling dress shoes in the back of the funeral. Well, it's not a high point. No, no lie. He's like, what size are you, 11? And they pulled out a box of shoes. Well, you know what? A lot of people in my family like my dad is two brothers. They, they were like, they got to wear like a shirt and tie to work,

whatever, right? And they wear the dress shoes that are running shoes. Like they look like dress shoes. You know those ones? Yeah, that's like, dude, who are you fooling with those things? Those things are trash. Yeah. Holy shit.

That's a good shoe. Those things are always tied too tight. They are. They are. Holy shit. That's a fucking dude. Getting your dad, getting married at a fucking hockey game. Was she a big fan too?

Yeah, she likes them too. I don't care how big, I don't care if you own the team. You can't do that. That's crazy. It's nuts. Holy shit. That dude, that just, I don't know why. I assume your mom wasn't jealous.

I got to go smoke a cig. No, she wasn't sweating that one. My mom did the, when my mom got married the second time, I, she hired me to be the emcee. Not hired me, but you know. Keep center of proposal. Listen, Mav, you want me to do an electric slide? It's going to cost you.

I'll do 10 minutes up front. But I went, I went pretty hard too. And I was like killing, I go, I started out being like, you know, not very many black people here as requested. I was going, I was, I was doing like, I was doing a roast. I go, I said, my brother, my brother's gay, right? And then he, he kind of went up and he's like, you know, welcoming the daughter to the family.

And like normally it's just surrounded by guys in this family. So it's so good to see her here. And I was like, came up and like, first time my brother's complaining about being surrounded by guys. I was like, shit. Hold on, you're, you're fucking garbage. Yeah. This is my mom's wedding.

Dude, if you're doing Rickles bits, I don't want to go. Yeah, no, then he's relishing in it. And his mom's wedding. He's like, I still a pretty good house killer. You should have seen me. Yeah. Brother goes up, I start shitting on him. My opener sucked.

I had to dig him out of all. Dude. Holy shit. The Canadians are playing a fan. They'll lose the fucking, the fuck's going on. Trashy neighbor to the north. Oh yeah. No thrills all day.

I fucking like it. What about growing up? Uh, growing up, what was the, uh, what was the lunch situation at school? Did you buy your lunch? Did you, did you pack your lunch? Bought lunch up until the divorce, and then it was more of a buy lunch situation.

But then every man for himself. I was in high school then though. So it was kind of like this. Yeah, it's a little different at that point. Yeah. We had a cafeteria and the whole thing. But yeah, I mean, you go, you don't want to be the guy in high school packing up.

Yeah. Come with a lunch bag. Yeah. You got to take home. Dude, if you had a cool thing, a cool guy imaged up hold. Yeah. Do you think this guy's bringing his own fucking lunch?

No. If I bring a bag, it's in my slingshot. My skateboard, my radio. My butterfly knife. Truly about me and my music. You're just playing the piano at lunch, playing the keyboard. Fuck that.

I didn't give a shit. I was packed lunch all through senior year. I was all, buddy, come on. Dude, no, we were at cash. My dad was at cash operation every morning. He hit me with a five or a 10. I thought I was like a million. I walked into school thinking I was a fucking wise guy.

Sometimes I'd get a dub, dude. I was like, hey, who wants soft pretzel? Bam, bam, bam. Fucking good night. Giving the teachers a soft pretzel. Guy, there you go. Yeah, you're a good guy. That was a wise.

Make sure that D plus goes up to a C minus. You know what I mean? Keep it fair. Keep it fair. All right, you're a good kid. All right, I got one food wise. When was the last time you had a hot pocket? Oh, that's my like.

Buddy, I love that moment. I love that moment on the podcast. What you just did every, oh, buddy. It was the last time I didn't have a hot pocket. Everything we just talked about. You hear a microwave thing and goes, here you go. Dude, I'm almost still on like eating wieners raw stuff, but no, I'm like, wait, well, cold hot dogs?

Hell yeah, dude. That's trash. This kid's a wild one. A lot of times it's like, I'll make a hot dog. And by the way, the bun is bread. Yeah. I'll make the bread hot dog. And it'll be like one for the microwave, one for me.

Wow. That's trash. Hot pockets, stuff like that. Just where they got a slice of white bread for the hot dog? Or what kind of bread do you- I know, I have like multi-grain bread. Okay, okay. It's a multi-grain bread.

It's got a little- We apologize, Senator. Wait a minute. Lord Long over here. Hold on. The cold one that you eat on the other ones- What's wrong with thinking about that? Do you put that one in bread or do you just eat that by itself?

That's just a single. He's watching his figure. He's got a tight body on him. He can't be eating all the carbs, you know? Because listen, the reason I'm asking- Yeah. You got any on him? That's a big snack for me, too.

That's not like- That's a frequent. A cold hot dog. Yeah, dude, that's trash. Because a body of ours, Freddy from Philly, all right, has been over the summer, posted like a hot dog cold pie and a couple other things related to cold hot dogs.

And now that you're saying that, I might have to start rethinking this cold hot dog. It's not that bad, dude. That's what's making you rethink cold hot dog. If you're thinking about cold hot dogs so much, you need to start rethinking about cold hot dogs. He's doing it. He's pretty cool, man.

What do you mean? He's a fucking renegade when he does it. You're just a fat guy waiting for his food to come out. I was getting killed. I was doing a podcast with some of my friends in Canada the other day. And they're like, dude, what are you eating? Like, are you-

You've got to be kidding me, you know? I guess it was like, for them, most trash I was eating, actually just hot dog buns, but I was dipping it in salsa. So I was just- I was just dipping hot dog- Listen, I've been in a pinch before. I've been in a pinch.

You need something to dip. I'm the eight. Yeah. I get it. If you're buying hot dog buns to dip in salsa, that's one thing. But if you're just making it happen with whatever you got in the pantry,

hey, more power to you. Yeah, no, you're right. That was that. This was not an orchestrated hit. Yeah, yeah. You weren't like, I'm going to go get a fucking eight pack of fucking buns. This wasn't premeditated.

Well, hold on. There with the eight pack, I'm putting two and two together. What do you got loose buns for? Does the hot dogs match up to the buns? I very rarely buy buns. Very rarely buy buns. Happen to be laying around.

Well, my chick went shopping and she bought some buns. She's trying to pull him out of this dirt ball, fucking cold hot dog thing. Talk about one step at a time getting hot dog buns. That's not exactly clear. You know your girls? But it was the bigger hot dog. So this was not your standard average.

It was kind of like for almost infringing on the sausage category. Oh, OK. You know what I mean? So it was sort of a different, it was a different buzz that these were bringing to the table. You're not talking about like a mare's potato roll or anything like that.

This is a little bit more sophisticated. This is a sophisticated. This is almost like vendor quality we're talking about here. All right. All right. Spend some of that YouTube money. All right. So hot pockets is a staple.

All that kind of stuff I'm big on. Like the microwave dinners, the hot pockets. What do you do? Pizza, the pizza pockets are huge for me. Who's your microwave dinner guy? What do you, who do you like? Like Michelinas. But again, like just I usually just pick the cheapest one.

I'm big price oriented in the grocery store. Like I just look at the things. What's the cheapest one in my opinion? They're all the same. I catch myself doing that too. And then I'm going like, I'm going for all. I'm like, I'm sitting there doing like four minutes of math and I'm like, all to save 12 cents.

What the fuck am I doing? I'm the main brain guy all the way. What's the difference? It just makes me feel better. It makes me feel less trashy, I guess. You know, I don't know. I mean, it's funny buying the like no name version of things that are already insanely cheap.

Like buying this 70 cent craft dinner instead of the 90 cent craft dinner. Or garbage. Yeah. But I mean, I really can't tell the difference. It's the same thing. No, it is. It's way different.

Dude, craft didn't become crafty because some schmuck and knock them off. The store brand, like the parade brand ones, they are trash. Or the Crasdale or whatever that is, it's a brick. I have a friend, JJ Lieberman, he's a comic in Canada and we do a podcast with him and he goes, he says he's a foodie and he does like food reviews and all this stuff.

But all he ever does is like talk about chicken wing places. Here, Matt, wing stop. Try the fucking homicide wings. They cut the celery this way. He posted like foodie life and hashtags on foodie on a thing and it was a buffet and you could see the green jello cubes in the background. Thought he was talking about being a foodie.

There's a question I haven't thought of. I'm a big fan. How do you feel about jello? I like jello but I don't ever, it's not something that I ever have unless I'm at a place like jello shops. If you're making jello at home and you're an adult, you're a fucking psycho. And I don't go to buffets really just because I eat too much

and I try not to be in that situation. Huh, I'm a big buffet guy, believe it or not. Oh, joy. Really? The best is you ever go to Niagara Falls, sorry, Vegas and they have the buffet where you buy a day pass. Oh, wow. That's fat.

Isn't that great? They give you a wristband for the day pass for the buffet there. I'm like, that is so true. You're getting a bracelet for the fucking buffet. Like it's the warp tour. Yeah, you get a certain color one now. I go back in the kitchen with this one.

No, it's because these people kind of like leave and they sneak back in and they're like, dude, it's cool. It's like an all day buffet. They see him like. This is how trashy I am. I've never made it to Vegas for one of these famous buffets but I have been to Reno.

The fuck you doing in Reno? We went to the Golden Nugget. We went out to stay with my cousins in Northern California in Lake Tahoe and we all drove down multiple cars. Multiple cars. We drove down to Reno to go to the casino. That's bad.

That's a caravan of garbage going through the fucking Midwest. We went to go specifically for the buffet at the Nugget. I mean, I don't even know what to say to that. You shocked me every fucking week. He's in Konahton. He's not getting in a car with his family driving to fucking go get chicken tender. He seems like he's kind of not on our level food-wise,

like guys like us. No, dude. Yeah, well, let's get out of here. He doesn't even know what a cheese dream is, probably. What's a cheese dream? Okay, cheese dream. Is this some weird Canadian thing? No, toast, piece of sliced cheese,

and then you melt it in the microwave. That's trash. No toaster oven? Were you a toaster as in family? Well, it doesn't matter. You can toast the toast however you want. That's a separate part of the equation. Sure.

However you toast the toast is your business. I'm not going to sit here and tell a man how to toast this toast, okay? Once the toast is toasted, then that's where I come in. I'm the closer, okay? Were you a craft singles guy? Aw, big craft singles guy. What kind of cheese were you having in the house? Was it just craft singles or did you have like the deli slice?

No, we had both. Yeah, you gotta have both. Yeah, people, do you ever like- Big crackers guy. I could go through a, I could definitely go through a sleeve of crackers on there right now. It's insane how quick I'll mulch a fucking sleeve of a crack. And I'm going to go back on what I said earlier in the episode.

That is one product that the difference between name brand and the opera is actually legitimate. Sure, you get a nice ritz, like a fucking gentleman. So buttery and delicious. You know what were really good back in the day that I haven't seen the Toll House? The little like, they were like the- They were called Club House Crackers. Club House Crackers. Well, I buy, so you know, this is something in New York has that I've never really seen where

you have all the stands that sell pop and newspapers or whatever on the street, right? So when I first moved here, almost every time I would walk by one, I would buy a little pack of the cheese cracker of sandwiches and a Diet Coke. I was, I was working that, like I've bought 80 of them since I moved here. Dude, those fucking cheese, those sleeve of cheese crackers. Yeah. Oh. Good night.

And then goldfish and so- Good night. Wrap it up. Put me to bed, shit. This guy became my fucking hero. Dude, the goldfish too. Little pet gold farms. That's one of those ones that I don't buy.

Goldfish and popcorn are the two things I don't buy because like I can't really be trusted when you're like that. You know what's pretty funny? You bring it up. Passive delicacy. We bring it up about name brand. I don't think anybody's ever tried to rip off the goldfish. Nobody.

Can't make a move on them. That's a good point. Can't make a move on them. Dude, they got the fucking- Pepperage farm must be fucking totin' steel because no one's infringing on that though. I don't know if they- I think sometimes I feel like- Yeah, something's happening.

Sometimes I feel like they salt each fish individually because there is like, there's just a perfect amount of number of grains of salt. He's got the jeweler loop in his eye. Just dropping fucking singular grains. What? There must be fucking big goldfish lobby or something, dude. They got the fucking- They got the market corner.

I mean, the only one that's close is Cheez-It. And I mean- I mean- Cheez-It's are good, but- Cheez-It's are good, but not- Not- Here's the difference. Here's the problem with Cheez-It's compared to goldfish.

And they're both terrible for you, but Cheez-It's feel bad for you. Yes. For some reason- They're good. The goldfish feel a little better. I don't know if it's the packaging- It's cleaner. It's kitty.

It's not as greasy. It feels kitty. It feels like a little it. You know what's not bad though? Cheez-It's reason it came out with the extra toasted. Have you seen these? No. They're all a little more burnt.

Okay. They got a little bit of char to them. Listen, get yourself a couple of bucks together. Go hit your local grocer. Do it up. You like your Cheez-It's well done? Huh? Like a gentleman.

Yeah. I used to say my- My father, it's a big popcorn house that we come from. And my father's never made it through an anthem without finishing the popcorn. All right. Let's switch gears. Some behavioral things. Hot button issue, podcast couple of weeks,

a lot of fucking drama on social media, people going back and forth. I'm going to ask you, how do you feel about brushing your teeth in the shower? I brush my teeth in the shower exclusively. And I'll tell you what. I got a- Check please.

Oh, here's the thing. It's different because- I do everything in the shower though. Shaving the shower, the whole, all of it. I'll give you the- But this is a shave in the shower. Shave in the shower. Yeah, I don't care about-

It just is what it is. I like, I line up my neck and here in the shower. Is there a beer right there? Shave in the shower, everything in the shower. No. Radio? No, I just- No, I go by-

Who has a radio in the shower? No, I'll tell you what. I've got on that a little- There was a time in my life. Fuck yeah, there was. What? You didn't have a radio in the shower? That's a bachelor move though.

It's like, that's almost like you have a bachelor pad and you're trying to convince yourself that it's like- You're cool, yeah. That's exactly what it is. You're trying to go like, yeah, I'm cool. You're not. I'm not lonely. Yeah.

I can't be alone with my thoughts for six minutes. Why baby? Like it's a party. You got music playing and you're like thinking to yourself, like I'm a cool guy, yeah. Yeah, you're not a cool guy. Do either of you guys play music when you're in the bathroom, like put like your phone on?

Occasionally, I mean, not- Now? I mean, I'm over all that stuff. Yeah, I mean, I haven't any. But I have the recommendation I was going to make that someone told me and I'm paying it forward to you guys, electric toothbrush game changer. It changed my whole life.

It sounds like, oh, I'm not an electric toothbrush guy. No, no, it's a game changer. I'll never look back. The second you do it, you go, I didn't know my teeth could be this clean. So I have one. So much better. My mouth feels, doesn't feel as clean as when I did the other one.

You're using fun dip. What? I got one too though. I got a sonic hair. It's nice. But I always find myself going back to the regular bristles. Weird. And you know what I was thinking about?

I did this the other day. Do you guys think this is trashy? When I put the- Jesus Christ, we're at 51 minutes. Holy fuck. When I put the toothbrush under the water, I take my thumb and I go like that on the bristles. Is that bad?

No. Like, you know, to clean it off like- I don't think so. No, it's on your finger. You're not, no, that's gross. Is it? You're rubbing your finger on your toothbrush. You're in the shower though.

You're clean. See, Ryan Long says it's cool. That's all I needed to hear folks. Do you keep your toothbrush in the shower though? Yes. Oh. What do you mean? Isn't that better rather than keeping it where the shit area?

No. Some people think it's garbage. It's trash. It's because of all the droplets. You're cleaning yourself. There's a little bit of mold on my toothbrush. Yes, dude. Dude, if you're cleaning-

There's a little bit of black stuff on the toothbrush, I'll tell you. Those power ones, the electric toothbrush, the bottom of those things start stinking so bad. Yeah, that'll happen. It connects to the charger. That's all disgusting to me. I'm sorry.

Dude, you shouldn't be washing it. I'll maybe concede to brushing your teeth in the shower. Maybe, not today, but maybe in the future. You have two different things. You brush your teeth, then take a shower. All right. So people have-

It's efficient. It's about efficiency. It's not because you can only do that. You're not washing your hair and brushing your teeth at the same time. You're just standing there doing this. So what's the difference if you're in there or out of there? It's just grosser to me.

Do you wash your hair? You strike me as the guy who doesn't wash it. Barely, I do. I used to have long curly hair and I'd wash it like I would. I said mine are the dry cleaners. Hahaha. Literally once every two months. Yeah.

Such a cool guy answer. I would do- Probably got like one or two pair of jeans, just throw them on. Put back the hair, throw a t-shirt on. Just to chick it by. Those are efficiency moves, though, again. Like when I was in the band, I used to have a little more like flash to the outfit. And now it's like black jeans, black t-shirt, no thinking.

It's like kind of a peace of mind thing. It's like a Zuckerberg. He's like Zuckerberg kids over here. No, it's Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs. Oh, he took it from Zuckerberg. Yeah, oh, Zuckerberg does it too. He made it famous.

Zuckerberg wears the same thing every day. No, Zuckerberg has a flesh suit. He had a human head from an old farmer that he found in Oklahoma. That's a weird looking kid right there. He needed Facebook to get laid. That guy was too bare. There's not enough Rogaine in the world to make him look semi-normal. That hairline he's got is fucking stapled on.

All right, take a full-sized pillow on an airplane. No, nothing on the airplane. I just go on the airplane and then make a note to myself to buy one for next time. Gang, I don't think there's any better way to celebrate your freedom than going to YoCratom.com and getting yourself a $60 kilo. That's the world's best value and Cratom ship right to your door. No questions asked. Now, listen to me.

If you've never heard of Cratom before, ignore this ad. We're not talking to you. There's no reason for you to try Cratom or hear this ad. Not at all. Keep it moving. But if you are currently a fan of Cratom, then celebrate your freedom at YoCratom.com, home of the $60 kilo, which is unheard of.

YoCratom.com is one of the biggest sellers of Cratom nationwide and made YoCratom.com so you can buy directly at wholesale prices. This is quality Cratom we're talking about here. We've heard feedback from other fans and they confirm it's solid. And like I said, this is the only place where you'll find kilos for $60 bucks. What are we doing here? $60 kilos. So last time, if you're currently a fan of Cratom, go to YoCratom.com

and get yourself a $60 kilo. Do you currently own or have you ever owned, or is it in storage in Canada, a samurai sword? No, no swords. My brother was a big sword guy though. Growing up, num chuck, Chinese stars? No, no things. I'm not a big collector, period.

Okay, that's good. But yeah, that's not into things. My brother is a big sword guy though. Did you ever learn how to play the devil sticks? Yes. Dude, I did all of the... Do you have the sack? Yes, here's the thing.

Have you ever done karate in public? No, but you're putting those in two different categories. I was into every trend. Sure. Like, I was a hipster. I did devil sticks, yo-yos, magic cards, skateboard. Like, whatever the new thing was, I did it. But that wasn't soccer or football.

I'm like, I'm the guy out here. I got mad. I'm doing the devil sticks. I did those to all of them. Frisbee, what are we doing now? I was very like, what's the new hip thing? I was a trend tour. Devil sticks.

They might make a comeback, I feel. And then I was the guy, like someone's like, I got devil sticks. I'm like, you're still doing that? We're yo-yos now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a yo-yo. The omega yo-yos?

Shout out to the omega yo-yos. Yeah, yo-yos. I used to rock that baby to sleep, walk, take the dog for a walk, you know what I mean? Little fat kid walking around, handful of goldfish, yo-yowing. Dude, I didn't mix the two, okay? What about juggling?

You ever juggle? Yeah, I can juggle. Yeah, pretty good too. I got the... All of the things, walking on my hands. Like, but it wasn't just me. It wasn't just me. It was like my...

That was a scene, like yeah. My whole group of friends, it was always like one thing for a month, another thing for a month, like Bart Simpson, you know? But uh... Have you ever owned soap shoes? No, but that fucking rules, dude. What's so funny?

Soap shoes were like a mix between shoes and inline skates. So like for like aggressive inline skaters, they had grind plates on the shoes. They look like a pair of sketchers. Aggressive inline skaters. Dude, it's worse than just having like the wheels on your shoes. Yeah. You legitimately grind the rail with,

you like run up to a thing, jump on a rail, and you grind it with... There's like a metal under-shoot. Yeah. It's lower than rollerblading. Did I... Did I fucking grind a couple of more benches? You did.

Oh, you had them. I didn't. My body had them. Because like back in the day, before the internet, you didn't know where to get these things. Like... And he was like the super, his dance was just like... There was like a Ponzi ski or something going on.

They just came across a bunch of money. And they ended up taking everything. But he would just, whatever came out, they were like, oh, I got a new quad. I got a new cut. Like they just had all the new cool shit. He showed up to school one day with soaps. Dude, I was like, take them the fuck off.

Right now, I'm gonna start grinding some shit. Soaps are amazing. You know what, it just reminded me of for some reason, like one of... Because I guess I was thinking about my group of friends, but our biggest like pretty trashy scam was when we went to the movies. We'd buy one ticket and someone would go down

and then send it up the elevator to the escalator to the next person. And then the next person would go down and then send the ticket up the escalator. Yeah, escalator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what, you put it on the railing or the floor? On the floor.

You just put it on the floor and send it up to the next guy. And then he goes in with the movie with that ticket and then he sets up that escalator. That's not bad. I'll give you fucking points for ingenuity on that. That's fucking Ocean's 13 shit. And if you don't feel like, if there's no elevator,

if that feels like too much for you, what you do, you have a group of 10 people, you buy two tickets, one, you know, two guys go in, one guy comes out with two tickets, you go back. Yeah, that's another way to do it. That's a longer burn. It's a longer burn than the elevator. You gotta get there two hours early to get there.

I mean, I don't recommend on a date, you send it under the ticket. Listen, babe, sit here. Don't act normal, okay? Act like you can't pick out what snack you want. Well, yeah, do you buy snacks at the theater and you get them before you go in? And sneak them in.

No, I'll buy. See, theater is like my main thing that I consider. That's my fancy night, right? You like going to a movie. Love it. Like, that's the one biggest thing. I've never not gone to a movie. I mean, in my chick, we're looking up,

if there are other states, we go to a movie. And then we thought, I thought, we're like gonna do it and I can't. That's the main thing that I like doing. So what's your move? What's your snack combo at the movies? I'm a big popcorn guy, malt teasers sometimes. What, malt teasers?

Yeah, sometimes in the later years, I've gotten into pouring vodka in the Diet Coke. Jesus, this guy in his vodka. Vodka and coax of bad mitts. Wait, what's a malt teaser? Oh, like Whoppers? Whopper, Whopper. Yeah, okay, so I guess maybe.

Like a mullet ball, right? Maybe we have a different, all right. Maybe it's Canadian treat, yeah. Fair enough. A little bit of maple in there in the Canadian version. But yeah, no. I'm a big, yeah, popcorn's the main one. Okay.

That's my main thing. Big Cherry Coke. A lot of times girls would be like, let's share popcorn. I'm like, yeah, probably just get your own. Yeah. Oh, big on that, big on that. Here's one.

Do you use the fucking butter substitute at the movies into the popcorn? Yes, that is correct. Yeah, you got it. What, are you bringing your own butter? What do you mean? No, he's saying you can go for butter. You can get, pay 50 cents extra for butter.

No, wait, you can't. Wait, where? Well, a lot of most popcorn places, they have butter or you get the free one. Oh, I didn't know you could do that. Oh, I didn't know either. Really? You're getting a stick put in there.

No, I meant, oh, you bring your own. No, I'm not that fat. But you bring it like a little packet of your own butter. He's got a bottle of, he's got a bottle of Pam. No, thank you. I have my own. No, I think it's trashy or they would say it's trashy if you even use that butter at the movies.

Yeah, I use that butter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go ham on that butter at the movies. I bring a fucking Tupperware. Whatever the fuck that is. Yeah. In my opinion, that's the top one best snack in the world is like movie popcorn.

Butter popcorn. Yeah, hot dog. They make a nice hot dog. You had a stride in that bag of popcorn. That's unpacked, like, because it's obviously different layers of the salt and the butter, but you hit a stride at like the fucking top third of that. That's a-okay.

Let me tell you something. You sprinkled a couple M&Ms on there. You're in fucking heaven, little salt and sweet. And it goes down so easily too. It feels like you're not eating anything too. Yeah, you're done before the fucking trailers are over. Someone told me, someone told me early in my life that it was like not many calories

and I'd like just believe that blindedly. And forever I was like, dude, this is like no calories. My chick was like, dude, that's 2,500 calories. I'm like, look at the fuck out of here. It's like 400 tops. I remember in the 80s them having commercials where they were pitching healthy snacks to kids

and popcorn was one of them. Or try some popcorn. And I'm at home like, ugh. Yeah, that was one of the biggest scams they had going is trying to convince that was healthy. Yeah. I bought into it, hook, line, and see. Dude, I still believe it.

I'm like, well, it's light, so it can't be that heavy. I used to think smart food. You know the white cheddar popcorn? I swear to God, for a while in the Foley household, that was fucking healthy. It is healthy, and it makes you smarter. Everybody knows that. Everybody fucking knows that, dude.

Get out of here. Smart food's another dangerous snack that you don't want kicking around the house. Oh, fucking. My fingers all caked with fucking cheese. Yeah. Licking them. Touching my belly button.

What kind of pets did you have growing up? Do you ever have a pet bird, a lizard, a snake, a guinea pig, a hermit crab? You're looking at a snake guy. You ever have a snake? Yeah, I could peg you for a snake guy. That hurts her range a lot. I'm surprised you don't have a tarantula on your shoulder

right now. An arachnid kind of guy. The brothers had some like rats and hamsters. Oh, rats. What the fuck? The dogs for the main, for dogs for the family. No, I wasn't a personal pet guy. Wait, you had rats in the house?

Well, it's kind of like a hamster, right? Like they're cute. No, it's not. Nope, not even close. I don't care where you've been. No, it's not. It's kind of like a cat. What are you talking about?

No, it's not. All right, dog growing up? Yeah. I don't know if this is trashy or not, but I always kind of get it. Lead it on your previous answers and stories. Lay it on us. I don't have the numbers in front of me.

Yeah, I always felt like this was a lot. But because I was the oldest, the dog was kind of my dog. Like I slept on my bed or whatever, right? And then the dog died. And we got a new dog the next day. The next day. Yeah. That's like home on the range.

I felt like it was a lot. Yeah, they were big. Was it a puppy? Yeah, we got. This was like a part German, shepherd, part Cali, like kind of normal dog. And then they got like a great Dane. That's moving quick, dude.

That's like they already had that great Dane in their sight. They were waiting on that dog to go. It might have been two days, like tops. But still, I mean, it was crazy. Like I always felt like that was weird. Here's a real trash thing, suburban trash thing. What did you do with the dog? Yeah, where'd you bury it?

I don't know. OK. That means it got just taken away. That's the classic. We like, I think they took it to the vet. Yeah. I remember my dad carrying it down to the car to go somewhere. Of course, memory.

And because it died inside. So my guess would be to the vet, because I can't imagine he had like some specific hot spot. Dude, we have a pet cemetery in our backyard. There's about. There's about burying them in the yard. There's three fucking Stephen King over here. What are you talking about?

There's three generations of musties in my backyard. Don't go digging. Yeah, that's fucking trash. Yeah, but you give it to the vet. You let them, I think they just throw it out. Big trashy satellite dish in the lawn. That's pretty trash. You did?

Yeah. Remember when they first came out? Wow. Wow. Before they had the small ones? I've never met. Took up the entire backyard. The big, full dish.

Like, before anyone had them. Holy shit. It was like the OG. There was always one in the neighborhood. It was. But you never knew the kids. I never knew anybody that lived here. Inside watching TV, they got a thousand channels.

I mean, dude, they were watching fucking television shows on Pluto. It wasn't even. They didn't even perfect it that good. You got 13 extra channels. They never worked very good. It was really shitty. Even direct TV's pretty shitty.

I don't know how they're still hanging on. Well, then they replace it with, you know, like it took two years for them to replace the one that was 12 feet with the one that's like. Two feet. Yeah. And then everyone's like, you know, you cemented into your, so you basically

just have them both now and one doesn't work. That's like, that's like a basketball net. That's like in the ground. You know what I mean? You can't just like take that out and throw it out. There was no cable. You guys didn't have a cable service out there? No, I think you have both.

At one point that was hot. It was cool. You had to choose. Like, oh, satellite dishes is the wave of the future. Yeah. He's a bit of a gadget guy. Yeah. Yeah.

That was like Betamax VHS type shit. Did you move it? Did it move automatically? I think it moves. They had to call the government to move it. It makes it the airline throw. You don't want to bring down a 747 there while you're trying to get the golden girls.

What else she got, Kevin? That's it for me, man. Jesus Christ. I got to say, unequivocally. Home run of a rep but pure, pure Canadian garbage. With honors. With fucking flying colors. The dad getting remarried.

My dad got remarried in Vegas, which I thought was trashy. Your dad got remarried in a fucking docking game. The all-star break. So fucking funny, dude. That was fantastic, buddy. That was fucking awesome. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Anything you want folks out there to know before we get you out of here? You know what? If you live around Rhode Island, me and Justin Silver and Danny Pulschuck are going to be there this Thursday. My podcast is The Boys Cast with Ryan Long.

Comes out every Friday. And patreon.com slash The Boys Cast at Ryan Long Comedy on Everything. And I release a video every Monday morning. Yeah, guys, check out these videos. They're fucking home run. Everyone is fantastic. And almost everyone goes viral.

They're fucking very funny. Check out all his shit, please. Thank you. As far as us, check me out at Kevin Ryan Comedy on all social media. The live show in Philly at the punchline. Let's go, baby. Get to that fucking show.

Move some fucking tickets. Get the tics. Trying to hit a bonus. The t-shirt money's running out. Yeah. Uh, guy, and then make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes and full video available on YouTube.

You can subscribe there as well. Yeah, so and also check out the new Clips channel on YouTube. Yeah, we just launched a YouTube's Clips channel. There'll just be highlights of the episodes. Yes, sir. You guys are awesome. At h fully and ice on Twitter and fully grams on Instagram. Just to reiterate what Kevin said.

Thank you so much for everything. We love you guys and we will. We'll see you next week. Peace. Peace.