Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Sam Tallent: Colorado Boy

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Kippy and Foley are joined by Sam Tallent, and its a fun one! Sam is the best and has some wild stories. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://Raycon.com/GARBAGE Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Holy boncos kids, look out. The keep it moving tour is adding new dates. We're coming to a city near you. Come and see us, some stand up. And we play AYG at the end of the show with the crowd. We answer your garbage questions. We've got some trash so far, but I know. I know there's deeper garbage out there around the country.

So come on out and see us. Kippy, tell them what they need to know. Oh, baby, we're all over the place. Providence, Rhode Island, August 11th. Boston, Massachusetts, August 12th. New Brunswick, New Jersey, August 25th. Then the tomatoes. Timonium, Maryland, Magoobies, August 26th.

Couple of crabs. Then we're going to Tejas, baby. Uh-oh. September 21st will be in San Antonio, Texas. September 22nd will be in Houston, Texas. September 23rd through the 25th, Austin, Texas for the Moontower Comedy Festival. Look out.

And I ain't done yet. August 26th will be at Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas. What? Then we're bringing it back to Long Island, baby. What? In September 30th. And then we're coming home. The boys are coming.

The chickens are coming home to Roos, baby. October 27th, we're going to be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And then back down to Tejas, November 5th through the 7th for Skankfest South. Get those tickets. The link will be in the description. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Sure is. It's a little show.

We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find a figure to be classy. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antoni's basement. She's upstairs. She's got Olympic fever. She's asking me for two grand.

For what? Because she wants to put it on this French fencing guy that she says is a lock. It's a lock. So I don't know what's going on over there. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. The Tootie that went nowhere. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage.

He's an international businessman. He has his toes in many different ponds around the globe. It's going to be in Europe next week. Whoa, what the fuck? Checking on a couple of investments. So if you're from any law enforcement agency, you want to track them down, it's a good time to get in the land of the plane somewhere.

Kevin James, Ryan, everybody. What's up, Interpol? Hey, happy to be here. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are. True to roof. Fuckin' cookin', baby, thanpatriot.com.

It's where the bread gets buttered. You know what I mean? It's where the rubber hits the road. A little bit of ghee over there. It's where the coke hits the nose. You can sign up. You get bonus episodes of AYG. You get episodes of Hard Feelings,

which is a whole other podcast. And then we do live streams with our top tier members every month. It's a good fucking time. Plus, you get full extended clips of the live shows we're puttin' on there. That's right, baby. Come out.

See us. It's a good time. We love you. How about a quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire? He's the magic man. Makes us all look good. Give it up for the Pride of the Chicago scene. And now the Pride of the New York scene.

New transplant. Certain block in Astoria. It's T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes? Yeah, I'm real big on fucking Princeton, bro. Oh, I gotta bleep that. Fuck. He's probably not even the biggest comic in his building.

No, I got roaches with bigger careers than me, man. Gang, that's neither here nor there, because we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean, incredibly special guests. Going to be a fun one. Here with us today, we're so excited. He is a very funny stand-up comedian, podcaster, and author, Lottie Dah.

OK, he is the writer of the book, running the light that everybody absolutely loves. He's the host of the Chubby Bohemoth podcast. He's going to be here in New York City, filming a comedy central presents. And he has a brand new hour special coming out September 7th, called Waiting for Death to Claim Us. But the big question of what is mine today

is he garbage? He's been hitting a jewel, like a radio operator in World War II. Do me a favor, give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Sam Talant, everybody. Hey, fellas. Sammy. What a pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me. Thanks for coming in. I feel like I was holding my breath that whole one. That was a long one. That was good. And I was teetering on the verge of lunching it, like four or five times. Picked up on that.

I can see it looks like you black out a little bit, and you come to it. You don't know where you are. I would close. I could feel Sam's heart. He got that twitch in his eye that you can't control. We all smell toast. You had such a big stroke, I smell toast.

Yeah. Buddy, thank you so much for coming in and sitting down with us. We're so excited about this. What is the origin story here? Sam Talant. I'm reading for Sam Talant. What is a gentleman like you hail from?

I'm from Elizabeth, Colorado, on the Eastern Plains of Colorado. The Eastern Plains. This guy's an author. I don't know what to tell you. The light's just lowered. Oh, I said hail. Oh, no.

The Eastern Plains. What have I done? I was born on a soft autumn evening. Yeah, it's a town of less than 1,000 people. Wow. About an hour from the Kansas border. OK. Our biggest moneymaker is the rodeo.

Ooh. Yeah, we're a rodeo town. No one's ever said the biggest export before. Biggest export is jihaws. You said gi earlier, all right? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I like some gi. Yeah, just football, methamphetamine.

The good kind. Sounds like America to me, goddammit. Oh, yeah, red, white, and blue, baby. So very small town. Oh, incredibly small town. High school, what did you graduate with? 86. Oh, my god.

We were the biggest class ever. And you don't like that. We dominated. How far away from Denver? Paint me a picture if I don't know. OK, Colorado Springs is down here in the middle of the state. And then Denver is.

Is that the state? This is the state of Colorado on my wrist right here. Holy shit. Cut it, print it. We got all we need. Yeah, I know. State tattoos. And my area coat.

Oh, my god. The rep into the area coats has always been garbage. It's bad news. Especially if it's not like a known area. 305, I get. 212, something. 893, representing. Eastern Plains, Colorado.

Yeah, we're one of those places that it's called Elbert County. It's not Elizabeth. I'm from a county. You go to the county. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been to county. Really?

Oh, yeah. There's only 85 people? He said that when it was fucking community college. There's only 85 people out there. They've got to arrest somebody. What the fuck? All right, Sam, it's your turn. Pack it in.

All right, let me get my lucky strikes. And yeah, just we are. We're really, literally known for our methamphetamine. The kids would go to the old abandoned air force base and steal the fuel from the old tanks there and then make Primo crystal. Holy fucking shit. That is unbelievable.

That's fucking crazy. I didn't know we had abandoned air force bases. Well, they don't want you to know. They're not broadcasting that shit. A lot of the DOD budget goes to that. But yeah, we're equidistant from Colorado Springs and Denver. So it was a bedroom community. So people would work in Denver and Colorado Springs

and their kids would grow up there. OK, I got you. The bedroom community is much better than rural shithole. Yeah. A place you don't stay. God damn. They would go and steal the jet fuel. That's got to be good jet fuel mess.

Oh, dude. I mean, I've dabbled. Yeah? Yeah. Really? Well, yeah, you know, it's prom. You want to be ready for the dance floor. You want to be an idiot.

All nine of you on the dance floor. That's right. Steal a lightbulb, take a toot, get out there. Hit the buffet, dance it up a little bit. No buffet on that mess. You're not eating for days. God damn, that's crazy. And where was the market?

Just so was there a huge meth problem in town? Or were they selling this? Well, so I-70 is the I-79-25. I-70 goes east-west. So Lyman was on I-70, which is about 45 minutes away. And Lyman was a big truck stop. So they would move the meth through Lyman all over these great American states.

But I mean, mostly, I think it was domestic. A lot of the kids were getting blasted. Yeah, getting high on the own supply type deal. And then, luckily, pills came in when my sister was in school. So there you go. That was when I was a kid, pills were a lot. I mean, like we were height of the fucking pan. Like, you know, the epidemic, yeah.

East Coast has the pills. And out there, we have the tweak. Yeah. Yeah. Joe's always kind of jealous of it. Really? Well, Benzo's are a lot more fun. Yeah, Benzo's in a couple of fucking pops, called a night.

Oh, yeah, two Bud Lights and a Perkocet? Yeah. Good morning and good night. That looks, yeah, dude. That looks a lot classier than siphon and fuel out of an F-14. Oh, yeah. Wait, in your head, it's still in the jets? In your head, there's still jets.

Why wouldn't they just strip the copper out of the jets? Or sell the jet, yeah. Oh, yeah, stuff to find a jet fence. Oh. I got a guy in Delaware that can move a C-130. Holy shit. All right, so what is your mom and dad? And let me ask you this.

Brother, sisters? So was there like this, like, was it a shitty town or was it like a nice town? I think that I would describe it as a quaint community with issues. OK. I think that a lot of the kids there knew that there was problems.

But a lot of the parents were so busy, you know, raising equestrian horses. And when I tell people about Elizabeth, they don't understand because they're like, oh, I've heard of Elizabeth. It's nice. Like, I've driven through there before. And it's like, well, yeah, after sundown,

it's a freak city. So I got a CD. I got you. Yeah, I think that's the perfect picture. I get exactly what you're talking about. But mom and dad, my dad was, until I was 13, he was a fall down sip sap guy. But then he got clean.

And he worked at Walmart unloading trucks for like those three years when he got sober. Then he got his teaching degree, became a great teacher. Really? Yeah, yeah. Talk about turning it to fuck around. I mean, he wasn't like a dangerous drunk. He was like, oh, the car broke down.

Let's go hitchhiking drunk. You know? Yeah. Like, we got to get out of here somehow. What the fuck? Like, my dad, the best way to describe it is he was like moon people at the bank drunk. That's pretty fun.

That's a fun. Like, he liked having a good time. Great bit. Yeah. And it sucks when your mom's mad at him for doing that. Yeah. Because it's like, he's the funnest man alive. Yeah.

Are they still together? Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah, happily married. Really? Oh, for sure. My mom, you know, she's no angel. My mom's retirement has just been white Russians

when she wakes up. Wow. Yeah, yeah, they rule. They're fun. My dad, you know, he's Colorado sober, so he'll still eat too many mushrooms on Christmas and then have to lay down. I'm Colorado sober.

Mushrooms on Christmas. Yeah. Like I always said, he's like, yeah, I got his act together. Just, you know, psychedelics on family functions. Yeah. It's fun. Holy shit. Yeah, my dad will be like, look, you

got to see this rug that I bought. Half a quiche and an eighth on fucking Christmas Day. Jesus Christ. White Russians, huh? So they're both retired. They're both retired. Brothers and sisters, what do you got? I have a sister, Sophia.

OK, younger older. Younger than me. How much younger? She's an adult, right? She's three years younger than me. She's three years younger. OK, so she's out of the house as well. She lives in Denver.

She runs a spa. She's very good at what she does. OK, pretty good. There you go. And what did your mom do for living before she was retired? So my mom worked at the Federal Reserve in Denver. OK. And when we were born, she was like, no, thank you.

I don't want to drive that far. OK. Went back to school, became a landscape architect. That didn't pay at all. She did that for a while for the county. And then went back to work for the Fed for the retirement money. OK. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Pretty eclectic squatty. I mean, the Federal Reserve. Yeah. Federal Reserve. And then the dad doing mushrooms is a right turn. But landscape architect, your dad was an alcoholic, got himself sober.

Yeah. Became a teacher. Uh-huh. Sister runs her own business. Well, she runs a spa for a bunch of Malaysian people. OK. All right. That's not a chill out.

She's the shift manager, you know what I mean? Exactly. That's still pretty good. Did you guys go to the rodeo on a regular basis? Oh, yeah. So that was like the culture? So the rodeo was once a year, and it was the hub of culture in Elbert County.

All right. And it was cool, because if you went there as a kid, like 13, 14, 15, there was no rules. Because the adults were all fucking wasted. The cops had their hands full. And like, there'd be a Skoll tank or a Skoll tent there, and they'd just whip cans of Skoll at you. Yeah.

So we're all just got big horseshoes in, wandering around, finishing empties on the tables. Man. Yeah. Jeez. Now, was this event on like a circuit? No. So the Elizabeth Stampede is its own thing.

No, but I mean, but it's a big deal. Yeah. Compared to like a regular sport. It's the only thing that happens in Elizabeth. So it's the Super Bowl. For sure. Yeah. People are coming in from all over.

It's the first time you ever make out with a girl while Garth Brooks' rodeo plays. Both have dip in your mouth. Oh, yeah. Hopefully she has wintergreen. I got Skoll apple, because I'm trying to be healthy. My doctor said two pieces of fruit a day. Have you ever seen anyone get really tuned up at the rodeo,

like fucked up by a bull or anything like that? Oh, all the time. Really? Yeah, my buddy, Clay Raider, was a mutton buster. Well, I don't understand one word of that sentence. That's funny. My aunt was a mutton buster. I've seen her only fan.

Mutton busting is when you're a young cowboy, you ride the back of a mutton, a male sheep, and you have a helmet on, and you strap yourself to the back of it and go for eight seconds. Wait, that's what mutton is, is sheep? Yeah, yeah. So when people order mutton at a restaurant, yeah, they're ordering.

That's when they're getting sheep? Male sheep, yeah. And I don't remember if a mutton is castrated or not. I think a mutton is castrated. OK, mutton wrong with it. Come on, folks. What are we doing here? You still got it.

But yeah, he graduated from mutton busting. I think he got a rodeo scholarship to Texas Tech and got completely eviscerated by a fucking bull his freshman year. Jesus Christ. And can't walk well at all anymore. Damn. But Clay, his brother Dusty and his father Cecil.

OK. These raiders, they're known for raising hell. And all of them are crippled from rodeo accidents. Really? Yeah, yeah, generationally. Texas Tech has a rodeo program? A lot of places out west have, like a big way out of Elizabeth was getting a rodeo scholarship.

That's fucking nuts. I want to see that movie. I like that. Dude, I have the screenplay. There you go. Yeah, for sure. He pulls it out? That's what it is.

I feel like an urban cowboy. No, no urban. Who's your first choice? To play Clay Raider. Is that who it is? It's about him? It's about him. Loosely, yeah.

Why not give this guy points on the back end? Yeah, no. Bleep his name out. It's an automation. I've seen looked around when I said that. The fuck is this guy? Gee, it's. I'm going to sign an NDA.

I don't, you know, I'd like, I haven't thought about casting. Did you ever want to get into rodeo, like even as a kid? No. It sucks. Did you play football? Oh, yeah. So all state linemen kind of, I signed a letter of intent for CU, but I hurt myself wrestling,

so I couldn't play in college. OK, yeah. Now, how did the team work? How many kids were on the team if you only graduated with 87? Well, that was just in my class, obviously. So the team was very good. We ran a power eye offense. Nice.

Dominant run block. It was fun. I was a right tackle for a left-handed quarterback. Played football from third grade all the way through. I mean, I played basketball. I threw shot put. I did everything year round. Gotcha.

So it wasn't like one of those small towns where it's like, they only play with like seven on seven because they can't get the kids. You guys had a decent program and could get the kids and all that stuff. Yeah, I mean, the rest of the towns in my county were eight-man football. And then Agate was six-man football.

And those games are just, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, that's nuts. It's like a basketball game. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And they're playing, you know, both ways. There's 11 kids on the team. That's like dystopian, man, it really is.

Oh, yeah, it's a fucking post-apocalyptic. The field's all dirt and shit. Yeah, no, yes. Yeah. It's a crash plane in the end zone. Yeah, kids are siphoning. That's why they're so good in Falcon. We're cooking at halftime.

Holy shit. I didn't pay you as an athlete, to be honest with you. Wow, OK. Well, no one does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All state, nonetheless. Did you end up going to college? I did attend university, yeah.

Which one? Metro State University. I know, dude. It's funny how you say university. I did attend university. I was at Cambridge? Where are we talking now? I went to a little school called Dartmouth.

Yeah, Metro State University is a community campus. Sounds like a Badity Murphy movie or something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Kid in play were my professors. And it was seriously like there was no, it was all white kids growing up and some Latinos. And like going to Metro right in downtown Denver was a real culture shock.

Yeah. Yeah, because it was one of these places where like you have 55-year-old widowers who are like doing their second chance, they're going back. And then you have a bunch of dead beats and burnouts who couldn't get into University of Colorado Denver. So yeah, it was, I did not graduate. No.

How long did it last? So I re-enrolled. I'm going to graduate now in December. What? What? Yeah, come on, that's fucking great. I needed three classes. These talents don't quit.

I'll tell you that, everybody. Keep coming back. Well, after the book came out, some like small liberal arts schools were like, would you have considered teaching? What? And I was like, I guess I would. And they're like, cool, where'd you go to school? And I was like, well, I don't have a degree.

And they're like, never mind. What do you know about the rodeo? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, can I teach barrel roping? That's the cool thing about rodeo too, though, is the girls in the pants. That was a huge deal at the rodeo. What's that mean? So like girls at the rodeo are all the sweetheart of the rodeo gear is what they'd call it. They're just suited.

They have very, very tight wranglers. And then those like button ups, they would tie off the waist. So it was a very horny place to be. Wow. I'm not going to picture it. Oh, it's great. It was right there at Casey Jones Park. And it was just, it was a fuckfest.

People would just go off into the woods, bang. Girls would come back with their hair fucked up and like, you know, not stoked. And the guys would come back like smoking Winston's. Jesus. Oh, yeah. Like adults, you would see the adults doing this. Adults, kids.

Yeah, man, this is a real country. I liked it. It was incredibly country. Did you know, was anybody in your family or did you know anybody that was one of the clowns? No, but I do know rodeo clowns. Really? Yeah, yeah.

The Kendigs were all rodeo clowns. Bullfighters. He's from the, he's from the, he's from the type of like part of the country where it's like, families do professions like the Kendrigs, the Richardson. Yeah. Yeah. Were you ever deputized for a posse?

I would have loved to have been deputized. No, but our sheriff did get in trouble for embezzling a bunch of money to buy hot dogs for people who built his house. That sentence got more insane as it went on. Yeah, this guy had affected real high stake scheme, huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Talk about big money.

This thing went all the way to the top. You thought Madoff was bad. Yeah. He was our dare officer. And when he got deposed, my dad was like, yeah, he spent like 30 grand on hot dogs for that barn raising. Jesus. Yeah.

That's something to get you kicked out of office. Oh, yeah. This is city funds he used for the hot dogs? I mean, it was upwards of 30 grand, but I don't think all of that 30 grand went down. Yeah, I was going to say that's a lot. Yeah, that's what showed up at the expense report. It was $30,000 on hot dogs.

Oh, I'm such an idiot. I thought there was like a barns full of hot dogs. Yeah, so did I, kind of. I thought he was just trying to be a nice guy. It's going to be so easy to rip you two off. It is going to be incredibly easy to pull the wool over your eyes. This is insane. As a kid, though, I was so naive.

I was like, just thinking about the hot dogs. Oh, yeah. That's what I was thinking about, a whole building full of hot dogs. I got to find this hot dog cash. You know, they never found most of the hot dogs. They're still out there. Taking them to the woods for them and shit.

You and your buddies like goonies. A bunch of kids with a bunch of mustard packets walking down the railroad tracks. Legend has it, at midnight, you can still hear them grilling. Smell them at night. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, that's funny. Raycon wireless earbuds.

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RU Garbage listeners, get 15% off their Raycon order at buyraycon.com slash garbage. That's buyrayconracon.com slash garbage to save 15% on Raycons, baby. Buyraycon.com slash garbage. Now, back to the show. Holy shit. All right, let's get into some RU Garbage question.

Where are you at now? Where you living? I'm living in Fort Collins, Colorado, North. My wife's, she's a doctor. So she's in her three years of residency. What? What kind of doc? She's a family medicine doctor.

Holy shit. Emphasis on women's health, but you know. I was not expecting that. Neither was I. I don't think she was either. Yeah, the odds on that were plus 1,500. It was not a lock. I thought you were going to say I live in a one bedroom

in Toluca, L.A., so that's not what I was expecting. No, I live in the nicest home I've ever lived in, in Fort Collins, an hour north of Denver. It's where Colorado State University is. Yeah, we got a garden in front, a garden in back. I'm eating my own squash. Look at you. Yeah, man.

Damn, where'd you meet a doctor? I met her at a house party, and she was on a doctor at the time. She had a rat tail and a bottle of Coding Cops syrup, and she was friendly with it. And then she managed to turn it all around. Dude, they turn it around. Just when you think they're dead, they pop right back.

Come back even stronger and smarter. Oh, you can't kill her. She's from Detroit. I met her in a bank. Her and her friends were robbing the place. Yeah, it's a nice mask. He's kidding. Holy shit.

Now she's a pediatrician. What are you going to do? Holy shit. No kids, though. No kids. All right. And I'm holding off on that as long as possible. OK, sure.

I get you. I get you. All right, do your parents still live in the same house that you grew up in? Yes. Oh, they do. What was the grocery store that your mom went to? We went to Geeson's Market.

Geeson's Market? Yeah, Geeson's Market was cool. Right in the middle of Elizabeth. And then when Safeway came and opened up about five miles away, it obliterated all of Geeson's at most. Was Geeson's just like a one, or was it a chain, or was it one market? Was there a Geeson?

Oh, yeah, there was Jack Geeson who played cards with my father. Of course there was. Hell of a hold'em player if you ask me. Oh, no, he was bad. His brother Dennis was very good, but Jack would just get fleeced. Doesn't all make sense if you grew up 100 years ago. I know, yeah.

Oh, the Jenkins? Yeah, they were the blacksmiths. Can I get that sasperilla? I don't sit with them back to the door, fellas. We're going to have to switch this around. If I opened the door and there was a horse sitting outside, Tita, I wouldn't be that surprised. I'm not going to lie.

I'd also have an apple for it. My best friend, my best friend, my next door, there was a cow, and I would go feed at Boo Berry. What's Boo Berry? Boo Berry's a cereal. Oh, I mean. I count chocolate. Oh, really?

Yeah, and that was like, my friend was this cow who lived next door. You were a Boo Berry family? Yeah. Wow. I know. You don't see them quite often. No.

That was, first of all. I've never even heard of it. That was something, well, you had count chocolate, you had Frankenberry, and you had Boo Berry, which was the, that was the hardest one to find. I think there was an abundance of it. Not a geese. Really?

Yeah, geese, geese is one of these places that it was two rooms. Oh, Jack knew what he was doing. Yeah, Jack had his finger on the pulse. He really did. I mean, to have Boo Berry out there. Oh, yeah. I couldn't find that in Philly. No, well, yeah.

It's a major, it's a major Boo Berry market. Well, that doesn't look good. Oh, that looks bad. They're probably the best cereal ever. It's very good. All of them, because they are, what the difference is, they have the marshmallows with the Lucky Charms, but their actual cereal thing is that, is the corn.

Right. So it's real, you can tell how sugary and bad it is for you. It has like poruses, like the way it soaks up milk. It's still a little crunchy, but it has the mushiness too. Oh. And that's your Boo Berry minute with H.O. Yeah, Jesus. Jeez, Walktown memory lane.

Dude, that's how much I can do. You can do three minutes on Boo Berry. I'm telling you, it was really good. It was very good. Holy shit. All right. So we, OK. So Geesons, yeah, that's for Geesons.

It's not bad. Sounds like it's a nice market. The town sounds nice. So that's it. Sounds quaint. I like it. It does sound, it does sound quaint. I see what you're saying with the meth problem and stuff

like that. But all in all, I mean. There was a slaughterhouse in town that went defunct, and that was where everyone worked. And then when the slaughterhouse dropped out, people had to scramble to figure out what to do. There's one of these places where there's a population of less than 1,000, but there's three.

There's a minor key on like, there's like three different auto parts shops. And a rally, a minor key, one of those situations. And so would you say the town successfully scrambled when the plant closed? No. Oh, they did. It was tough.

Yeah, yeah. No, I don't know. The pivot was tough. Because I want to be honest with you, despite the rodeo and everything we've heard, he's still classy. Well, that's on you. But sure, he just hit his jewel.

But he tucked it down like a gentleman. He's not flaunting it. So I can't get mad at it. What'd you get on your SATs? I did not take the SATs. I took the ACT. What'd you get? 32.

That's pretty good, if I recall. That could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did very well on standard SATs. Would you consider yourself a good stew or were you a good student? I think. Like, you know.

Yeah, I was. I took the, you know, all the AP classes and stuff. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I was a very good student. OK. Single family home you guys lived in? Yeah, the house was built in 1880.

And then there was a barn. You guys just giggling. Yeah. He answers every question like it's the first sentence of a novel. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was a house built in 1880. There was a willow tree in the front.

The maximum score you can get on an ACT is 36. This dude dunked. What? Yeah. Damn. We had to look that up before. Anything in the 30s is good. Wait, so there was a barn on your property?

We had a barn that was designated a historical site by the state of Colorado. Really? And then mysteriously, on Christmas day, it burnt down. It was filled with hot dogs. Yeah, exactly. It was Jack Nouse's revenge. I'll get those talents one way or another.

Get those wily talents. Yeah, it burnt down. I was written in ketchup on the side of your head. Why was it a historical thing? Was there what significance did it have? Just the eight. Why was it burned down? Let's start there.

No one knows. But I do know that we got a big check. And I don't know. Anyway, it was the one time ever that we spent the night at my aunt's house on Christmas. And then we came home and my mom and dad were like, oh my god, the barn's gone. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. But they got cleared of any arson charges. Oh, thank god. So yeah, the insurance came through. You ever been to Disney World? Disneyland. We weren't a world family.

Oh, shit. When did this happen? What year? I think this happened when I was, it was probably 1990, between six and eight. All right. So you're on the clear now. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Statutes. Yeah, you're good. So you burned the burn down. And they built my mama as a big country living, better homes and gardens enthusiast. So she built this house with the cash. It ended up just being the party house for all my friends and for my sister's friends.

So you have a second house on the property. And there's a little shack that my grandpa built in retirement because he just liked to build homes. Wow. So he built a little house out there where my band would practice. Multiple properties this night on multiple properties, multiple dwellings on the property is very nice.

Also though, the entire place has been evaluated for a sale. And it's not like. It's not what you would expect. Yeah, we were like, oh my god, this is going to be my mom and dad's retirement. And then they were like, oh, fuck. Jesus. Yeah, we got to keep nursing this teat.

OK. Yeah. But the property is nice itself despite the monetary value. And they could retire there. They have retired there. OK. Yeah, yeah. They've moved into the house that they built.

And now we have a mush. I've put my brother-in-law in there for a mushroom farm in the little house my grandpa built. And then they're renting out to a family friend in the other home. The home that I grew up in is the one that they're renting out. I've got to tell you, man. We've got a game going here.

This is back and forth. That's very, yeah. Very classy, I get it. I'm a dichotomy, brothers. You really are. I'm everything all at once. The duality of man here. Brush your teeth in the shower.

Yeah, OK. Yeah, yeah. I prefer it. Do you leave the toothbrush in there? Also, yeah, leave it in there. OK. Yeah. OK.

What's that mean? That's the trashiest way to do it. Oh, you leave it in there. No. And you leave it on top of your wife's tooth. You got to take it out. Yeah. You assert dominance in small ways.

It's real cold war in the shower. I don't know who runs the shower. What about sleeping? How many pillows do you use when you sleep? I use one under the head. And then I sleep on my side. And I have one for the arm to throw over. Nice.

All right. That's good. Do you have a fan directly on you? Yes. Yes. Directly on you at all times? Only on my side of the bed. Right.

My wife hates the fan. I have it right on me. OK. I like that white noise. Circular fan. The one that moves around, yeah. Oscillating. Is it oscillating or is it directly on you while you sleep?

It oscillates. It goes from head to toe. Yeah, that's. There you go. Yeah. No, real scumbags. You have it right on you. No, you got to keep the feet cool, too.

Also, Colorado is so dry that it just burns your nostrils. Central air in the house? No, AC units. AC units. Yeah, one upstairs in the bedroom. Do you sleep with any sort of weapon near you? Yeah. What is it?

I mean, how near? What proximity? Like, in case someone comes in the middle of the night, you're prepared. Yes. Yeah. What is it? There's a handgun.

Yeah. He's staring through me as he says that. Oh, shit. Wow. You want to tell me? Dude, I just, why do you want to hurt me? Yeah. What do you have?

Why you asking, Baldi? Come heavier. Don't come at all. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is a wacky episode. I love it. Have you ever handed trash to the person I had to drive through when you were getting food?

What? Have you? I'm asking the questions here. I'm asking the gentleman from Colorado. I have given cups to the Starbucks lady. I'll be like, can you take these? And it's like four Starbucks cups and then a static big gulp. That didn't get no that was great.

All right, that's trash. If it's their product. Oh, no, yeah. I feel like they should take it. That's not the corporate policy, by the way. It's not bring your trash back tomorrow. I'll tell you what the corporate policy is. The corporate policy is, no, they don't do it because of germs.

They don't want germs coming. Oh, yeah, they hate it. They're not stoked. That's crazy to me. That is nuts. Your question. I was in the car with somebody who tried it once. Yeah, I've done that move.

Yeah, I was alone in the car. I didn't know that was even trash. Oh, God. Let's see. When was the last time you slept in your jeans? Never wear jeans. What do you sleep in? Completely nude.

Completely nude. Yeah, yeah. No undies, no nothing. Look at them. Yeah, because the undies make a real humid rain for a situation down below. Sure. I like to wake up dry.

All right. Yeah, fresh. Yeah, I don't want to wear a diaper to sleep. But I don't wear pants. I wear all shorts all the time. You don't wear pants in general as a rule. Yeah, I think I own one pair of pants and they're for weddings and funeral.

What kind of pants are they? Like slacks? They're Costco blue chinos. OK, we're getting there. Yeah. My dad was so keen on not wasting any money that he would wear one pair of shorts, cut off sweatshorts, and then they would have a hole in the crotch

so he'd wear another pair on top that also had a hole in a different part. So it makes one pair. One pair. Yeah. That was like the big talk of the town. My dad was my football coach until eighth grade. And all my friends would be like, oh yeah, Dave Town,

where's two pairs of shorts. Huh. All right, yeah, we are getting there. We're getting there, yeah. We're really getting there. The fact that your dad was your football coach, too. Oh, man. Small town, I get it.

We were dominant. We didn't lose a game in three years. Hmm. At any point in your life have you ever carried around a Zippo? Oh yeah, I tried Zippos. Yeah, you always got to give it a whirl. I tried so hard.

They're tough to pull off, man. They may have never lose in it. Yeah. And it's back in the day when I had zero money. So when you lost that Zippo, it was just like the end of the world. You'd be yelling at your girlfriend, like, I know you had it. What was the design or color?

Motorhead logo. Yeah, yeah, that was. Yeah, it was. I tell you, they come in strong, T-Bos. The house always wins, gang. Couple of tense moments. Now he's cracking open. You store anything in the oven?

What? Do you store anything in your oven? Yeah, we store the baking sheet in there. And then when you roast vegetables, I like to leave them in there overnight so I can have them for lunch in the morning. It's like we roasted Brussels sprouts before I left. And I was like, baby left the turkey and the Brussels

sprouts in the oven. The turkey? Yeah, I like to roast half a turkey here and there. Sure, I understand that, but. I understand the roasting. It's the leaving in the oven. You leave the turkey in the oven overnight? Yeah.

No, I don't think that's good. No, Sam, then she just turns on the heat and it's good to go. That's not. You can't do that at a restaurant. No. Have you ever gotten violently ill from this? I mean, I've been violently ill from food. I live with diarrhea, dog.

Me too, man. Well, that's probably why I stopped leaving the meatloaf in the oven for a week. Well, you might have a point, sir. Touche, fellow mage. You know, my wife's a doctor. She says it's OK as long as you crank it to 350 for like 10 minutes.

Holy shit. But then you got dry bird. That's going to be your biggest issue. That's been a problem for me for quite some time. I heard this correctly, right? They cook turkey and Brussels sprouts the night before. And then they'll just leave it in the oven. Leave the remnants in there overnight.

I'm not going to sit here and say I haven't done something along those lines. Well, yeah, because then you got to get a Tupperware out. Put it all in there. Put it back on the bake. What a gentleman would do that, though. I mean, we're so busy. Who has Tupperware time?

Yeah, come on. This is work-a-day life. Folks tired of putting your food in the refrigerator. Wasting all the excess hours. Kenmore. It's another fridge. It's a room temperature fridge. It's a food tomb.

All right. Holy shit. Have you ever made your own moonshine? No, but I've drank moonshine on many occasions. Applejack is what you call it. Where you put cider in, and then you freeze it, and then you scrape off the top. And that's like pure liquor, pretty much.

Jesus Christ. I've made my own cider and mead before. When I lived on the commune in upstate New York, we'd make our own mead. I'm sorry. One second. Kobe, pull that back five seconds. The commune in upstate New York.

Yeah. What? Please. That doesn't warrant just a year. This is old news. My best friend moved to attend school in Ithaca at Ithaca College. And I was very disenfranchised with college,

so I would drop out, move up there. We had our band. And then we would tour when he wasn't in school, and we lived on an anarchist commune called Goblin House, where we killed our own chickens, first-dived for food. Yeah, yeah, just so we could get hard to honor the moon. So the rock gods would bless us.

Yeah. And then we made honey mead and plum wine, apple jack. Holy shit. These kids live the life. Who's fun, man? It was just an LSD-fueled freak show for a while. And what years was this from? From when to when?

This was on and off from 2006 to 2010. Damn, wow. It totally graduated, yeah. How old are you now? I'm 34. Really? Holy shit. I know, I look weathered.

Not even that, just the story's alone. I thought you were 72. Well, you aged faster in the old West. Yeah, exactly, yeah. When the dentist is also the veterinarian. And the barber. Ever have breakfast in bed? Yeah.

Not like the romantic way. Like you're eating hash browns while watching TV. Dinner in bed, for sure. Dinner in bed. And the house you live in now with your wife, you guys have had dinner in bed. So we moved a month ago, but the previous home, yes. OK.

She's not doing it. Sure. Like if she's working overnight, and I got the house to myself. It's fair game. Yeah, there's no rules. It's a godless place when she's not there. So I'm just in there.

I think the last thing I had in bed, here's how I'll quantify it. Eating and then putting the plate on the night stand and then going straight to bed. That's my favorite. And it was a manicotti. Wow. That is before the nap.

That'll put you under. That's like a tranq dart after 9 PM. How long was that sitting in the- It was in there when we moved in. Previous owners. Give it a shot. That's beautiful. All right.

When was the last time you had fish sticks? I've had, OK, good question. I was in Fargo, North Dakota last weekend, and I had a fish sandwich that seemed to just be your classic fish stick patty. You are. Yeah, it was terrible. Yeah, where were you to get it?

Did you make it yourself or did you order it somewhere? No, I got it at the bar after the show when I was halfway wasted. Wow. You know what goes with 17 Miller Lights? Yes. A bar fish sandwich. Oh, my god.

Yeah. Couple of, ah, man. What was your mom's specialty growing up? What kind of dinners would you have? What would be like a talent family? My mom did not cook. Who cooked? My father could cook.

He would cook a roast chicken, but my grandpa and grandma provided the food for most of us. Really? So your grandma and grandpa were living with you when you grew up? No, no, but they lived in town. And after school, I would go to their house until my mom and dad got off work.

OK. And then I would go there on my off hours and eat lunch at my grandpa's house, because he was like, my grandpa was a hobo back in the day. He would actually ride. Fuck, dude. Like actual hobo, like during the Depression, he would hop a train from St. Joe, Missouri,

and ride out to Philadelphia and work in the factories, and then come home, drop off the checks or the cash, and then hop a train back to the East Coast and work. Who are you? Yeah, this is nuts. Are you a time traveler? No, dude. I swear to God, he might be.

We're just, you know, you guys are East Coast, and the things are weird out on the West, you know? Sure, but I mean. I think they're weird at the talent house. I don't know if I'd throw out of the bus. I don't know if that's all out West. I don't know if I'd throw the heartland under the bus. It gets stranger.

My grandpa was named Ova Talent. Ova? Ova Talent, OVA, and he swears that he was named after a man during, previous before the Depression, who would ride town to town, and he would have the townsfolk gather up stray dogs, stake them to the ground, and then for like a penny, you could watch him fight the stray dogs.

And he was named after this guy. Geez. And that sounds like the most insane. Like, you know, it sounds like a lie, but he swore to that that he was named after a dog fighting Ovo named Ova. Damn. Yeah.

That's a first here on AYG, I feel. I thought I was thrown off by your grandparents feeding you. Oh, yeah. Yo, your grandmother made you lunch? How was that? Strap in, big man. You tell me almost every meal was there. Yeah, a lot of the times lunch and dinner were there,

and then we would have family meals. It was, dinner time was a big deal. So if we weren't eating at grandpa and grandmas, we'd eat at home, and my mom would put some shit together that was no good, or my dad would make his patented lemon roast chicken. OK. Yeah.

Would they let you have milk with dinner? Oh, we're not a milk family. Really? Yeah, no. I am stunned. Yeah, not big milk. What would you drink at dinner? Water.

We had well water, the best water ever. Which we've learned. We thought it was trashy, but well water is scientifically proven to be way better. We had our own well, and it's just like, whenever I go home, I am pounding water at my parents' house. It's the greatest. Really?

No soda in the household at all? No, no soda. Because me and my sister were big pant loads, so they were trying to. What's pant loads? Big fat kids. OK. I was a fat kid, too.

Yeah, you know, you say pant load, but my doctor says clinically obese. So yeah, so they were trying to make healthy choices. But that did not. We would have Powerade in the house, which turns out is poison. Well, in the 90s, you thought that was good. The experimental house.

The electrolytes. Yeah, exactly. They had the whole fucking country bamboozled on electrolytes. Not Gatorade, but Powerade. Powerade. And then also, I remember just drinking those cartons of orange juice all the time.

That was like the fold ones. Yeah. The guy had a fridge in my bedroom. That was great. Holy hell. Yeah. Full size? No.

It was a walk in. Double doors. My first job, I saved up and I bought a fridge and I bought the clapper and I put it in my room. Oh my, that's that's insane. He bought it his first two. His first purchase is where the clapper and a fridge for his bedroom.

Your parents were OK with you having a fridge in your room. I don't know. What did you what did you put in there? A lot of lunch meat. Lunch meat, spray cheese, and cartons. I'm with you on the spray cheese, big guy. I'm a big fan of that. This is when you were a kid?

I'm like, Banksy with that stuff. I think I was 15. Yeah. Lunch meat. Yeah, a lot of the 50 cent bunting lunch meat. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Those were big.

I don't know what that is. Bunting. It's lunch meat. Doesn't matter what the brand name is. He said 50 cents. That's what threw me. For the 50 cent packets. He has lunch meat in his room.

I don't even know what my mother would say. He didn't even have the good lunch meat. It wasn't like he was keeping his private reserved. I didn't have to leave my room. It was great. Your parents were OK with this. My parents said that it was my money and I could spend it on whatever I wanted.

And where a lot of kids were buying a Dreamcast or an N64, I was like, I want a refrigerator up there, so I never have to see any of the people. I want some buffalo chicken slices. Were you making sandwiches in there? No, dude, out of the packet. So the packet, then, would you put the spray cheese on the piece of lunch meat?

And would you spend a lot of time in there? I would assume you spent a lot of time in your room. Yeah. OK. Of course, I had everything I needed. Yeah, I mean, what are you talking about? Holy. As long as the well doesn't run dry, I'm golden.

Oh, yeah. Did the well ever go bad? No, no tainted well. What happened to that? Is that what it's called, tainted well? I believe so. And when that happens, is it eventually clean itself out, or is that it for the well?

No, you have to plunge it, because usually what happens when a well goes bad is an animal will die in the water. They'll fall on the well and die. And then that ruins everything, so you have to get down there. Get them out. Pull it all out of there. So not to sound ignorant, but a well, the water is coming up from the ground.

Yeah, natural spring from the ground. And so there is movement in there. It's not just stagnant water. Yeah, it's new water. And it's also purified by limestone or something. Right, natural aquifer. It's cleaned by stones. OK, so it's not like it's in dirt.

I mean, I'm not an excavator. I drank the water that came out of the tap, and it was yummy. And my dad, if you go visit my dad's house, the first thing he'll say is, best damn water in the world. Did you ever play by the train tracks growing up? Was that a thing? Didn't have train tracks in town, yeah. I would have liked to.

Of course, yeah. We played in Culvertz. That was the big go-to. What's that? Culvertz is like a tunnel under a road. Oh, yeah, those are a good time. You find one of those. We played Tunnel Town, hang out down there.

Tunnel Town? That was our big game as a kid. Was it like a system of tunnels, or just like one tunnel? One big tunnel right underneath Highway 86. What was the game? Just hang out in the tunnel, but it's called Tunnel Town. OK, so you guys tried to do the Sims. We didn't build our own society.

There wasn't a school board or anything. I've got to be honest, that's what I really thought. We didn't have an HOA. County Commissioner. Keep it meeting minutes and shit. Any magicians in the family? No, dude. That's crazy.

I mean, is this? You tell us about Tunnel Town, and all of a sudden, I'm a jerk off? Any magicians? No, dude. My dad legendary pulled the thumb off guy. That was his go-to move when he was a substitute teacher initially.

He'd whip his thumb off, and there was this kid named Cameron Rao who thought he could actually do it until we graduated high school. Was he a substitute teacher in your school? In the middle school. By the time, I only had him once, and it was for gym class. And then by the time he was doing that, he was a special needs teacher initially.

And then substitute teacher for a couple of years, and then became a fourth grade teacher at a charter school, that he graduated or retired from. There is such a duality. It's wild. It's crazy. I mean, I guess it doesn't sound weird until someone else sees it. You guys are a mirror held up to my experience.

It's actually, it's kind of fantastic, to be honest with you, because there is that garbage element. But yes, was an alcoholic, gets himself out of that special needs teacher, gives back to the community, football, coach, and all that kind of stuff? Yeah, and he was a football coach while he was still having a sweet sip or two.

He used to pick me up with a red dog, 20-hours drive me home. A red dog? Yeah, you know, red dog. You mean those red ailes? No. No. That was Killian's Irish Red. Oh, red dogs.

That dog was, they came heavy in the fucking 90s. A lot of branding. It was like a red pit bull or like boxer. I believe it's made by Milwaukee's best. It's there like PBR sub-brand. I believe that, yeah. I don't think it's still around either. Oh, you can get it.

Oh, yeah. In Chicago, yeah. Oh, I've never seen it. I had a question, but I'm sure it's going to be a yes. And it said, have you gone to high school football games where no family member was playing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Oh, yeah. I went to a high school football game last year, and I called the AD and was like, hey, can I come on the field? And they were like, it's COVID. And I was like, and they were like, come on down. Really? Yeah, I went on the field, wore my leather jacket. Holy shit.

33 years old. Wild move. That's pretty nice. Yeah. And everybody on the local news for any reason. Yeah. I was in the Denver Post as a child, because they did a thing about men who stayed home to raise

their kids, because my mom had the better job. So when I was born, my dad quit his job, stayed home to raise me. She had that fed money. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So yeah, before I had memories, I was in the Denver Post. But I was in the local newspaper a lot for like, you know, honor roll, football, that kind of shit.

OK, not too bad, not too bad. I ever recommend a book to somebody that you didn't read? No. I recommend books. I love books. I read a lot of the literature. So if someone wants me to recommend a book, I give them like a sincere.

Like, I think you would actually like this. Because when people read books, you don't want to waste their time. Like, if they're actually going to take a chance on a book, you want them to. You want it to be? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want them to click. God damn it, he's pulling himself out of it. Because that's really classy.

I don't know. Yeah, I mean, OK. Magician thing. That's where I lost it. Do you know how to tie a tie? I'm assuming no. I wear a bowl of ties. Wow.

Yeah. OK. I don't know if I've ever worn a regular tie except for at my wedding or even my uncle tied that for me. Now, is that kind of the thing out there? Bolo ties wouldn't nobody would bat an eye at that. No, yeah. Yeah, but as you went to a wedding out here for like a comic

or something like that, you'd rock the Bolo. I rock the Bolo. And you'd wear those one pair of pants. No, I would. I mean, if someone's having a sweet special memory, I don't want to be the guy who is in the photos looking like shit. So I will like go to the nines for people's big, big deals. Cool.

Man, that's real class. Well, I heard you guys talking about attending that lady's wedding and you're going to dress up. Yeah, we just got back. We got back yesterday. But I was just when you said, you know, I have one pair of pants. I'm staunch on wearing shorts. I didn't know if you broke that rule for anybody.

No, it's not about me. It's about her. Wow. That's fucking good. Garbage would have been like, yeah, man, I don't do it. I'll show up at Gacky's in an Eagles jersey. It's just so try hard to be trash. It is.

It's like you're going to wear the t-shirt with the tuxedo on it. That's hack. That's been done to death. There might have been somebody at the wedding with that happening. And it was like my head exploded. I was sitting next to Paul Verz. He's like, he believed it. He believed he was fucking.

He was in the back row losing it. You choose. Whatever happened to the cow with the blueberry? Oh, they slaughtered it for meat. Really? Yeah, one day it wasn't there. And then we got a side of beef like two weeks later. Ouch.

Tastes like blueberry. Oh, it's good, yeah. Little bit of milk, nothing wrong with it. Mike, it tastes the marshmallows. That's Colorado Wagyu. Just to jump back to that, did you have other friends in the neighborhood? Or was it really?

No, I mean, it was so like my. So you were solo with your sister. And the lunch meat. And the lunch meat. All right, so now the lunch meat makes a little more sense. Yeah, we didn't have to like that long sojourn to town in the wagon train, you know? Right.

Who would you hang out? Well, you said who would you play Tunnel Town with? Oh, that would be when I was at my aunt's house or my aunt and my grandpa live right next door to each other in town. So I had my cousins and the kids from the neighborhood to play Tunnel Town. There was also a big mound of dirt that we would go play on top of and play King of the Hill.

But they weren't really, they were your, they were like adjacent friends. Does that make sense? They weren't like your buddies. No, no, like they were, they were the kids in town. So like, you know, you had the ragtag bunch of kids who would hang out and chase the hoop down the street. Did you grow up with them and become like friends of them

in high school and all that stuff? Like, were they? They were older than me. So I mean, I guess they were adjacent. They were my cousin's friends that I would go along with them and they would make me smoke cigarettes and like look at porno and I would pretend to enjoy it. Garbage.

Yeah, no, I got you. Yeah. All right, that makes sense. So the cow really was one of your best friends. Yeah, for sure. And then they slaughtered it. They killed it. Jesus.

For sustenance. They, my parents grew up on County Road 150. Like that's how far out in the county we were. Damn. Yeah. Boncos. I'm not even sure what that means. The higher the number, the further out.

No, it's just like, you know, some people grew up on like Blueberry or, sorry, like I got Blueberry brain. You know, you have like fun names for an inmate. Gotcha. It was more of a count. Yeah, I got it. That's why, that's my first question,

but I didn't want to ask you because you said that they live there. Yeah. So that, well, yeah, that's trash. Yeah. It's not like, you know, Blueberry Lane or whatever. Wood Maple Circle or something nice.

And also everyone in Elizabeth knows where the talents live. Okay. Because that's small of a community and they've been there for so long. I love that. I love that it's so, so family, like the town. Everybody knows where the talents live. Everybody has the same profession in the other family.

Who's the biggest family in town? Who's the richest family in town? The Christiansons. Really? Yeah. Those motherfuckers. Yeah. 100% the Christiansons.

Bart Christianson, lovely guy, Mormon family, LDS. He was one of my basketball coaches and he had like nine kids and they all became dentists. He was a dentist. They would go on mission. Chad Christianson was in my grade. Good friend of mine. Legendary dick.

Really? Pack in heat? Dude, my friend Amanda was dating him in high school. I was student council president and we were having like a student council meeting. And I remember one of the girls, Melanie was like, Amanda, what's Chad's dick like? And she was like, I don't know.

You know, it's like, just like doing this thing. And you're like, what the fuck? I would have started with the length, but she's talking. It was a fucking tall can of red dog. Yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna do this real quick. Sam's like, meeting adjourned. Yeah, exactly.

Burn the note. And you're a liar. Burn this whore. She needs to be committed. I'm pouting. Are there any long standing beefs? Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah, the loonies, everyone hates the loonies. Of course. Yeah. I mean, what on brand name for that? Those goddamn loonies down there. Yeah, Carl Looney was the town drunk and he would just rub everyone the wrong way. But they had this place.

Kevin Looney was a year younger than me and they had the Crab Shack where you could go and smoke weed and cigarettes whenever you want because Carl didn't give a shit about what the kids were up to. Oh, the Crab Shack was like a house on their part. It was just made of aluminum siding and shit, you know. Is that why it's called a Crab Shack?

Or was that just another name you guys gave it? No, that's just the name that I knew it as, you know. Is that now? Everything's got a little name. Yeah. Does every, would somebody else have a Crab Shack or that was the name of that dwelling? There was one unique Crab Shack and it was on the loonies.

What a cool name for that. And every now and then Carl would come in and be like, tough guy's rule. And then he would go fall down something. This guy sounds like a straight shooter if you ask me. He was cool. He'd buy us beer if we bought him beer. Shout out to the loonies.

It sounds like a pretty good town to grow up in. It was great, man. It's a self-sustaining economy for a drunk. Except for the violence in the map. Hey, you buy me a couple? A lot of violence. Oh yeah, just like fights at the skate park type shit. Yeah.

Probably tough kids too, really hurting each other. Yeah. Like cracking doors and stuff. The worst one, I'm not gonna say his name, but there was a fight between like the jocks and the skaters, whatever you want to call them, the kids who smoked weed. And I was like in between.

So I had to go, but I couldn't pick a side. And luckily this kid showed up. And he was the toughest one. So everyone piled on him. And he just pulled out a can of bear mace, covered his face and spun in a circle. And maced like 35 people all at once. And that was the end of that fight.

Pretty fucking sweet. It was a cool move. Yeah. Yeah. He's using technology. Yeah. Yeah. That was chemical warfare.

I got nothing wrong with that. Yeah. That's fantastic. There's nothing else to do besides like fighting. Of course. Of course. Were you a pretty big guy or are there other big guys in town?

No, I was the biggest. You were the biggest student in town. Did you have to fight a lot? No, because the beauty of where I came from is the fact that like there were really no sectarian beefs. Like if you were a cowboy or you ended up being a goth or whatever, we all went to school from kindergarten on.

So it's like Andy Quinn might be king of the rodeo. But I do remember when he, you know, shit his pants in second grade on the field. Sure. So it's like everyone was pretty tired. It's like a family kind of. Yeah. Everybody knows everybody's skeletons in the closet.

Yeah, you can never become too cool because like we were there. You shit your pants. Yeah, exactly. OK. Yeah. Huh. I like that. But like Colton Mason, Andy Quinn,

there were some big cowboy dudes. And luckily, I never rubbed them the wrong way because they were very, very good at violence. Man. Man. Man. So he says that. I know.

His word choice is I'm fascinating. I feel like I'm talking to crazy Joe Devola. I welcome intruders. There's been sentences used. I'm supposed to be the smart guy on the podcast. There's sentences you said where I'm like, I got nothing on that. Yeah, I'm so not really sure what sectarian.

Yeah, that sectarian beef. I literally thought it was an animal. You get that with brine sauce? What's it do? You leave that in the oven overnight? What are we doing? What was the sideburn situation? It seems pretty serious.

In the town as a whole. Was there any disown brand with the town? No, I was the mutton chop guy. OK, so was there any dads, or teachers, or family members that didn't have sideburns? A lot of people did not have sideburns. Like, I mean like, where you notice it, where like they have none, where they go high.

Like above the ear. You know what I'm talking about? Sure, I do know what you mean. Like that permanent bull cut type situation? Crazy. Yeah, no, there was a lot of that going. Really? Yeah, and then there was people who didn't give a shit

and would have beards some days, and then they would cut it down a little bit. But I don't think they were a permanent fixture. The no sideburns thing. I've seen some dads that try to rock that, where it's literally like just a straight line here, completely shaved. It's like an alien tried to make a human.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bad when they don't get the haircut on the sides. They just trim. You see them trim the sideburns themselves. You went too high on them. Or the back, did you ever see them do it themselves on the back? Those guys are always wearing Oakleys, I feel. Yeah, it's heinous.

All right, so that was a lot of that you're saying. I think that side, because it was, you know, it's still kind of a cowboy town. So any kind of like trying to look cool or, you know, Toby would have got dragged behind a truck. Oh, man. Yeah, for sure. If they could have caught me, I'd be skating pretty fast.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you would have been the bull troll. Would have to be a Ford or something to get me. Have you ever won a neck brace? No, I've never had a neck brace. Luckily, no head injuries growing up. This is a question that I don't think I could ask anyone else. But have you ever seen someone get a bone set, not in a hospital?

Yes. Ryan Adams broke his arm, ninth grade football, and my coach was like, one, two, and on two, he snapped it back in. And those screams still echo in my brain. It was horrendous, dude. It was just cruel. Yeah.

I broke my arm one time. My dad was always big on, you jammed it. That's just jammed. It's not broken. You jammed it. And I broke my hand. And he's like, let me see it. It's just jammed.

It fucking broke the bone in half. And he just yanked it three times. Like, oh, that was going to do it. Surgery the next day. Yeah. Yeah, my dad would say you tweaked it. Tweaked it. Yeah, yeah.

That's a real big point. It's like a dirtbag thing. Yeah, you just jammed it. You tweaked it. You got a compound tweak. You tweaked it through the skin. You jammed it so much, I can see the bone. You're internally tweaking.

Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Will you sing happy birthday to another table when they start singing happy birthday in a restaurant? Love it. I'll join in right away, yeah. You'll join in right away. Love it, yeah.

Do you ever clap? You do the whole thing. Now, do you ever say at somebody's birthday at your table to get a free dessert? Oh, I've embarrassed so many people with the birthday thing. OK. I love it. It's a great classic gag.

Just for embarrassment or for the free pie? It's for the embarrassment. OK. That I'll let slide. If it's for the free cake, it's a tough look. I mean, that's a fringe benefit. I'm not saying it's not. I'm not turning it away.

Of course. We lightly touched on a lot, I want to say. We lightly touched on Disneyland. So where would the towns go on a family vacation? What would that look like? My mom, we would go to Tallis, New Mexico, because my grandma's from Wagamown, New Mexico. She's the old Mexican lady.

And we had land near Wagamown right around Tallis, Pueblo. We'd go down there. He's throwing names out that I got nothing on. You're saying it like it's Albuquerque. It's two hours north of Albuquerque. How much land? It's tough to tell because it was like. Thousands of acres?

Well, my grandma didn't know. Like her family, the Eskibels, didn't know that they were American until like a census guy wrote up to give them mail for the first time. Like they were so deep in the caves. So there's a lot of acreage down there, but we don't know really who owns what. There's like a couple of families who are just like,

you have access to it, do whatever you want. Damn. Yeah. But my mom tried to class us up a bunch. Like one time we went to like Montreal, and one time we went to Boston, and we'd go to like an island in Florida that was, you know. How would you get to Boston? Would you guys fly?

We would fly, except for certain, like my mom's from Cleveland. So we would drive to Cleveland every summer. Okay. And that was always terrible. What kind of car are we talking? Pathfinders. That's not bad. Pathfinders are all right.

Stunned. Yeah. I thought you were rolling like a horse wagon or something. Well, I wish. Yeah. Too many people died of dysentery the first time. Tainted well. Yeah. My dad would buy five-year-old Pathfinders every five years. That was his move.

It's pretty smart. Just burn them to the ground. It's pretty smart. Didn't he have to fix it if something went wrong? Not at all. Really? Yeah. The talents are averse to cars. We don't give a fuck about cars.

Interesting. Yeah. I had my, I got my whale changed like every two weeks, and they're like, you know, you still got like 75% oil in here. And I'm like, fellas, I'm just glad to stimulate the economy. Sure.

What are you driving now? I'm driving a 2009 Chevy Impala. Not bad. I bought my wife a Bronco. The new ones? They're pretty cool. I just saw one yesterday. They were just.

Just bought your wife a Bronco. Yeah. She wanted one. Not bad. You bought her least. Bought it. Wow. Come on.

What are you doing? It's the only brag that I can really do. I love it. Throw it out there, baby. I think I got a couple more than we could, we could get into some Patreon ones. 100%. I'm assuming no,

but any in your family own their own pool cue. No. Okay. No. Oh, they own their own Frisbee golf discs. Okay. That's worse. My dad one time.

Talk about tripling down. God damn. My dad came down one time very early in the morning and he's like, Betsy, good news. I'm going to Arizona and I'm gonna join the professional disc golf tour. And she was like. Was this in the drinking days?

Yes. I think it was. Yeah. And then she was like, Dave, you have to go to work. You don't know anyway. And that's the first time I ever saw my dad like broken. Really? Yeah.

He went upstairs, put on live at Leeds and just played drums for like three hours. Play as a drums, your father. And so do I. These are Renaissance men. I mean. I mean, Frisbee golf and the drums. What are we doing here?

He's about to be the John Dailey to the Frisbee market circuit. But we can't overlook the fact that you just said he went upstairs to play the drums. So there was a room designated the drum room in your home. My room had the drum set in it. So he would go into your room. Yeah. Whenever he wanted.

Now let me ask you this. Were they allowed to go into the fridge and take some lunch meat if they wanted? No. Really? Oh yeah. I mean, they could have, but I would have been blown away if they would touch that fetid lunch meat.

She was in it forever. And every like three months I'd open it up and forget I had some lunch meat in there and it would reek and I'd have to take it outside to hose it down, bring it back up. Man, hosing down a mini fridge in the yard. That is a bad look. And there's no way that just hitched in the face one day.

That was seeping through the room for at least a couple of weeks. Oh, the room was a nightmare. I'm now picking up on that. Yeah, it was a graveyard. I had spitters because I couldn't smoke sticks during football. So I'd have like old spitters I'd lose

and like find underneath the bed every now and then. Oh my God. Yeah. You ever shower and put dirty clothes on? Of course. Yeah. Can you say with certainty that every member of your family has at least once had the dish known as eggs benedict?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Not bad. Yeah. It's pretty good. Pat's growing up other than the cow? Yep, we had a golden retriever's growing up. Nice.

That's the classiest dog. Would you have two? Would you have a pair or always just one? No, one dog and it would just have, it would be gone for two days and then come back. Just a farm dog situation. Really? Yeah.

I want to get back to the Frisbee. Where did that come from? Your dad was like, I'm going to go to New Mexico to be in. That seems like a harebrained scheme. Or is that like in the works? And then he just completed. He was like, now you're right. I got to go to work.

And why did he think he could go pro that quickly? My dad's very good. My dad's a very skilled Frisbee golf player. So he was playing it for a long time. Oh yeah, because there was a Frisbee golf course in my town. Elizabeth's very weird. What?

It was part of the Brush Fire Rebellion. So the Brush Fire Rebellion was a bunch of hippies moved to small towns in eastern Colorado in the 70s and 60s. Took over the town council. And then implemented whatever laws and legislation they wanted to put in place. So there was like an undercurrent of hippie shit when my dad was there.

Because he grew up there. He went to the same schools I did. So they had Frisbee golf courses. And there was like a house called Pomegranate where people would go and smoke weed and stuff. And then when the 80s happened, people moved in because it was a nice place to be. And sure, that was all obliterated.

He's very good. Still very good at Frisbee golf. Really? So he could have. That's just like a scratch Frisbee golf player. I've seen him hole in ones. No, they're the same things. Yes, I've got it.

OK, you have anything else? If you're making all this up, could he be making all this up? Man, if he had, I'm fucking in. I don't know. I'm sold and confused and a little hot. I don't know what's happening. There's nothing else to think about. I wouldn't mind checking out the real estate out there.

Have you guys ever busted anyone lying on here? No. No. It seems like a wild move. Sure. Like I said, busted too. Yeah. This guy's never had a Slim Jim in his life.

Not even. You never even tasted Mountain Dew. He's flossing all the time. Three month old lunch meat my ass. What were the names of the Golden Retrievers? We had Augie. We had Jesse. And we had Chloe.

All pretty legit pet names. How do you feel about Rupir? Big fan. A&W, straight up the tap. Yeah. Good stuff. You ever call anybody mate? No.

Nothing pisses me off more. Yeah. You ever see cheers to somebody? Dude, shut up. Yeah. Nothing makes me more mad than when someone's like, hey, do you know how to get to the Walgreens? And you're like, yeah, go up, take a left.

And they're like, cheers. It's like, shut the fuck up. You're not from there. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, it seriously makes my blood boil. That and people not going fast in the left lane will make me lose it. The worst though is if you have a friend who goes to Europe

and then comes back and they start saying cheers, what are we doing? Check that shit at JFK, all right? Or if the meal comes, they're like, Abondanza. And you're like, you go eat in the car. Yeah. All right, the kid checks out for me. Yeah.

All right, let's run through a couple of page rounds. I'm leaning towards class. Can I say that? No, you can't. I don't know, man. He's pretty good. No. No.

He's pretty good. He's just a verbose hobo, dude. You just like the fact that he likes root beer. I'm going to tell you what, the lunch meat in the room, it's not sounding that crazy to me anymore. Dude, spraying down a mini fridge in your yard, you can't come back from that. I know, but he's so well spoken and articulate.

Yeah, he's trying to fool you. There's so much detail in this thing. No, no. It's a thin veneer. He doesn't know what that means. You mean the teeth? I know what a veneer is. Do you double them down on this?

They're blinds. Yeah, that's right. A veil. Veneer shins. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys, so as you know, when you join the Patreon, we will ask your garbage question. It's just the best way to do it.

This one's from Maryland, but I guess we learned do you sleep with socks on? No. No, completely nude there. OK, this is from TJ. Ever had to get tetanus or a rabie shot? Oh, tetanus shots a lot. Yeah, just tunnel town, man.

Tunnel town, yeah. Yeah. First rule, tunnel town. That's not that garbage. People can step on nails and stuff like that. A lot of barbed wire cuts, too. That's a little different. Jesus Christ, Sam.

What the fuck? You had to get in the old Air Force base somehow. Well, yeah, just everyone had barbed wire fences, so you'd be sneaking around just in the properties. From bears and stuff like that. I don't know why they had barbed wire. You ever see a bear? I've never seen a bear.

Really? Yeah. But there was deer just constantly. My mom shoots deer with BB guns all the time, like on the property. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever peed on an electric fence? Yes, yes.

To impress Kathleen Job. Did it work? Did it shock you? Oh, it fucked me up. Shot goes right up to penis. Yeah, it was bad. Damn. Did it, did you, was she impressed?

Did you seal the deal or anything? No, she was flipped out, man, because I started crying. She was my hot neighbor growing up. Fucking nerd alert. Paint talent when it played cool. Yeah. Yeah. I got tased at a party to impress a girl in college

one time, someone broke out of tazer and I'm like, she'll like this. Have you ever actually gone cow tipping? Is that? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah, a lot. That was a fun thing to do.

You have to run. You can't just go up and push them. You have to run and put your shoulder into them. Sometimes they die. What? Yeah, because it's such a shock to their system. They're like heart stops. Have you ever killed a cow?

I haven't, but the Raiders. There's blood on their hands. Started a town war. Yeah. Shoot out of a tunnel town. It was messy. They never found the Gatlin boy. When you're riding shotgun, is scattergun or repeater?

We call it scatterguns. Does that thing scatterguns? Yeah. It's like a Tommy gun? No, it's the shotgun. The shotgun's a scattergun, because the spray scatters out. Here's the last question I'll ask. OK.

Did anybody? Want to get some root beer. Did anybody? Where are the fucking hot dogs? The lights go off. Has anybody in your town ever disappeared? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's accurate.

And I mean, when it's disappeared, it's like they probably just. They left. It was a choice, probably. I don't think anyone's been disappeared. I don't think the verb has happened. There's never been a kid that went missing. A disappearance.

Never heard of him again? Not to my knowledge. Yeah. I thought that was going to go a little bit further, but fair enough. Yeah, sorry, man. Hey, kidnapping. How do you like it?

This isn't a Larry McMurtry novel. I don't know what that is. Oh, damn it. Loan some dubs. Want a Pulitzer. I don't even know what that is. Pulitzer, I don't even know her. That's a good piece of business though.

Big word play guy. I don't care who you are. Two more here. This is from Cole. Everywhere dog tags as a kid. Oh, dude. Yeah, I was a big dog tag guy. I'm not stealing Valor.

Brave men and women. No way. As an eight year old, I don't think anybody would think that. People are saluting me at the mall. For front lines at Tunneltown. We had a standing militia. Oh, yeah. So you folks know the American flag

flies over Tunneltown. It's a half mass. We ran out of gushers. It was a sad day. All right, last one for me. This is from Connor. Haven't had one ass yet. Have you ever drive shirtless?

Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, that's a bad look. Yeah, home from football practice every day. All right, that makes sense. I remember I got kind of buffed by senior year, and it was like a big deal that I went through the Sonic drive-through with my shirt off.

I was like feeling good about myself, yeah. Sonic was your fast food? That was the only fast food. Did you hand a McDonald's trash when you got there? McDonald's was an hour away. Wait, Sonic was the only fast food in your town. That was it. Closing the books on this one.

Garbage. Take that, Elizabeth. Sonic? Yeah. Sonic's great, man. They have a happy hour from four to six. What does that mean? You got the 44 out.

You could pick up chicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ladies, drink free. Girls, can I buy you a slushie? Yeah, it's Sonic. They serve booze there? No, it's like. The 44 ounce ocean water is like a nickel or whatever.

Ocean water? Yeah. What's that? That's their Sprite derivative. It tastes like Sprite. Yeah, it's Sprite before, right? It's like clear root beer. I was joking.

You say it's clear root beer. I'm just joking. Yeah, he just hates Sonic so much. Interesting. What do you have against Sonic? The commercials, mainly. The commercials. OK, so in our area, for some reason,

they just ran those Sonic commercials over and over again. I mean, I don't know how much they were dropping, all right? But it was repetitive. No Sonic. We didn't get a Sonic for literally 15 years. Yeah, but you guys have those convenience stores. They're like restaurants. You guys have like Wawa's.

We do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's plenty of fantastic options. I'm not saying that. But after being beaten over the head with Sonic commercials for 15 years, I finally go to one. I thought it kind of stunk. It's not great. It was all we had.

There's only thing open after 10 PM in the town. Damn. Yeah. That's so crazy. I don't mind it. They're all right. Pretty good. It's not all it's cracked up to be, but they got mozzarella

sticks. They do. That's all I need. Oh, yeah. Tater tots instead of fries? No charge. Go crazy. I'm going to give it another whirl.

Mike Ruiz was the manager. And if you showed up at like 11.59, he would just give you all the tots and mozzarella sticks they didn't sell that day in a bag out the window. That's a fucking good dude. Now you're changing your story. Yeah, now I'm changing my tune. You need to get a Ruiz, man.

Get the plug going. What do you think, Kip? I mean, dude, I was decided like 14 seconds in. The guy's fucking trash. Yeah, he's refined in some ways. He throws fancy words at you to keep you on your heels, but the kid's trash. He's still leaving Sonic shirtless with a bag up my throat.

Yeah, I mean. On the arm. On the cuff, though. That guy never pays for a stick, all right? Buddy, thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us. Man, this was as much fun as I hoped it would be. Oh, this was awesome. We love you.

Anything you want the folks out there to know, you got coming up this, that, the other, whatever you want. Oh, just buy my book from samtalent.com, T-A-L-L-E-N-T, and follow me on Instagram. Which has been co-signed by so many big comedians. Yeah, yeah, it's so cool. Kyle Kanane did the forward. Did the forward, yeah.

Former guest, absolutely fantastic. Love him. He's a man, yeah. Oh, a lot to Kanane and Stan Hope, so. Yeah, thank you for having me. Of course, buddy. Thank you, Kippy. What do you got for him?

I'm at Kevin Ryan Comedy on all social media. I just, obviously, iTunes, YouTube, and Patreon. And then, guys, come to a fucking live show. Yeah. We just announced, like, fucking 10 more cities. We're going to be all over the fucking place. Come out there a good fucking time. It's me and the big manage to stand up,

and then we close out the shows together, taking your questions from the audience. It's fucking boncos. Come check it out. Absolutely, gang. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.