Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Sam Tallent Returns!

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Sam Tallent, Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Download the Dave app from the App store right now. https://www.SheathUnderwear.com Code: Garbage Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Okay, let's talk about that middle-class famous tour, baby. Those sweet, sweet live shows? Woo! About to be kicking in a high gear. It's a stand-up comedy show with a little AYG that we play with the crowd. Great way to introduce new people to the show. So grab the squad.

Grab the homies. Grab the bozos. Grab your best girl. Grab your best guy. And come out and see us. Yeah, guys. First date is going to be Red Bank, New Jersey. That, it will sell out.

Let's go. Get those tickets. And we're in Seattle, Portland, Kansas City, Springfield, St. Louis, Nashville. Come on. Then up there to Indy, get your tickets. Like Big Man said, it's a great time. These live shows are bonkers.

You've seen Eclipse. Link in the description. Do it. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there.

And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. Little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash.

I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Anthony's basement. She had said that she had got fireworks for the fourth. Okay. I go upstairs. There's a crate of flashbangs up there. She's shacking up with some guy on the SWAT team. I told her I still got all that scuba gear in the garage

from the search and rescue guy. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. You had me on flashbang, big man. Nothing like getting greedy. You know what I'm saying, gang? In the American way. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He's the CEO of Are You Garbage.

He is an international businessman and he is not to be trifled with in the board room or the bedroom. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate,

review, subscribe on iTunes. Please. Full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are... Troteroop. Cookit. And then obviously... What is it?

Is it google.com.gives.eba? Listen, Gives can fucking suck it. I'm a fucking Sam. Yeah, man. It's called patreon.com. Slash Are You Garbage. And it's a real good time. Get a bunch of bonus content.

Get episodes of AYG, episodes of Hard Feelings, which is a completely different podcast. We do all together. You get those weekly. Livestreams a whole nine yards. Check it, though. Look out. Yes, sir.

Please do. And come see us on the road, gang. We're fucking picking it off. Just added new cities, too. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire. The Magic Man makes us all look good. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's.

Give it up for the good one. Toby McMullen. Hey, what's up, dudes? Hey, pal. Oh, man. It's going to be a sick one. We got a guy who knows how to fucking live in here, dude. Who does?

He really does, man. A lot of fun, dude. Life champion and all-time party. I got a bottle of fucking Pinot Gris behind it, too. And it looks cold, which I assume you're going to some park to watch somebody play the cello or something and sip on that. No, I'm going to Tommy Pope's house. That's a good hang, too, though.

He's pretty trashy. Oh, yeah. Tommy's a good guy. But visually classy. Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest back with us again today. He is one of the funniest stand-up comedians working. He is also an author of this book right here,

Running the Light. You know him. You love him. Give it up. For the one. The only. Sam Town. Sammy!

Hey! Thanks for having me back, guys. That was great. That's also the first toody joke you've left out all year. Me? Yeah. He got me recently. See, you know, I'm a big flat.

Anything with flat. What, are you my manager? Keeping a score? This is my boss, goddammit. Fucking the quarterly reviews are coming up. And you're reminding him that I stink. No, I watch the show and you'll have this great bit. You come in real hot.

And then Kevin's like just checking his watch. Tommy, what time did we start? Fucking sit next to Lorne Michaels over here. Fucking ice it me. Very good, age. Good work. He's just checking the Patreon numbers. Yeah, we're so rich.

I guess we still need him. Two, three more months. Yeah. You just bought yourself another day. Yeah. Stop roast is looking for a job. Accident. Yeah, there you go.

Stobby's killing it, man. Shout out to Stobby in that special. Last time we saw you. We hung out. We had a nice time. Mm-hmm. It seems to me, unless I'm wrong here on the timetable, that you really started cooking sometime after that.

You started going on the road more. And then I saw you're in Europe for extended periods. And I'm not talking about with you and Timmy D. Yeah, yeah. You were over there with your squad. I went over, brought the whole family to Europe for three weeks over Christmas. Yeah.

That's what T-Bone's talking about. I look at you and it seems to me that you don't let any of the trappings or- Of success? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just avoiding it at all costs. No, of like a city comic where it's like you're worried about this, you live out in your space, you have a life

outside of comedy that a lot of people don't have. Yeah, yeah. And you're enjoying that and flourishing in that to such a degree that it makes me happy to see it. That's really sweet, man. It's awesome. Yeah, mortality is a big thing I deal with. So I'm pretty sure I have.

It's a comedy podcast. Well, you know, but let's be honest, I probably got 15 good more years. Oh, I get that. Yeah, so I'm trying to get it all in. I'm trying to get through the weekend. Yeah. This guy's talking 15 years.

Yeah, fingers crossed. I need to pay my taxes. Yeah, man, it's fun. I like to live. I like to drink nice wine. I like to be in the water. You know, I like to eat food. I'm sorry, were you already going out with Tim Dillon

on the road? No, no, that started afterward. That started around then, right? I think I was out here last summer and I started going out with him in September. Okay, and then you took a little bit of time off and you guys all went to fucking Europe. Yeah, yeah.

It was a hoot and a holler. We spread my mom's ashes in like three different rivers. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, we're still looking for a killer. Oh, that's book two right there. Yeah, she died on September 11th last year. Jesus, I'm sorry to hear that. Easy to remember.

Yeah. Yeah, man. So yeah, after that, I really realized there's not a lot of time that we have. So it's like, let's blow all the cash. We're not having kids. Sure, that's good. You know, my wife, I got life insurance,

so when I go down, she's fine. That's real dirt bag shit. Well, she's a term life. You're almost trying to die. Yeah, I want to tap out so she still has a couple good more years to get some sweet new hog. She's a hardworking young doctor with rock and cans. Like, you know, I'll leave her a million bucks.

She's good. There you go. She's a doctor, so she does well on her own anyway. Yeah, I know. You think she would be more invested in how I'm living. She's got that milli-staring at her. What are you, nuts? Yeah, she's got an incentive.

I had to feed you when these three nights away. Oh, yeah, she's like, have more butter. You quit smoking? Why? It's protein, Jake's good. What is it? Sugar. But even the stuff that you could do at home,

with the little cookouts and all that stuff, and you guys were just at like a state fair or something, you do that kind of stuff, and I fucking love it. Thanks, man. Was there an influx of cash around, like sometime after we met for the first time? No, no, I've always been very smart with my money, and the book was like, it was life-changing cashmoney.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, we bought the Bronco. I gave my sister an Ethereum for her wedding. What's that? It's a whole, it's like a mini Bitcoin. It's like a Bitcoin, it's a, yeah, it's a coin. Yeah, it's like the silver to Bitcoin's gold. How much did they in peace?

They were like $4,000. Yeah, I dropped one on her little ass. Nice. That's the wedding present. Yeah, that's the wedding present. How do you give that, though? That's huge. You just tell her she has one.

Yeah, you're like, I'll give it to you. Yeah. I owe you one Ethereum. The next day just crashed. That's crazy. No, it did, dude. Yeah, I gave it, her wedding was like end of April, and it was like right around $3,500,

and now they're down to like $1,000. So she's like, maybe I could have got two. It's the same difference to you, you know? She's a greedy little monster. Oh yeah, I take her to Europe. Then she's pissed, she's not going to Japan with me and my wife in January. You can't win.

How old is she? She's 32. Oh, yeah. Is she out there in the same neck of the woods as you guys? Yeah, she's in Denver. So she's in your life on the daily. Oh, yeah. Nice.

Too much, some would say. Yeah. Yeah, I see a lot of old fee. Why don't you go to Japan? What the fuck? And my wife's like, no, this is for us. I want to have sex and spas. And my sister's like, we'll give you space.

I don't want my sister smelling what I do in Japan. Those rooms out there are small. They're so little. I know. Yeah, I'm trying to bang my wife behind a paper sheet. Just see the silhouettes there. On a tiny little bed. I'm just bowing at my wife's vagina.

Oh, when you say some you are always smart with money. Oh, yeah. Well, no, I didn't have money for a long time. I was like destitute forever. Well, when you were younger, did you use the kind of kid that like, you know, if he cut it, cut a lawn, he put $10 away and all that stuff. Oh, yeah, I was so industrious.

I was out cutting lawns. What are you talking about? I know, it's crazy. I had to bring back up clothes here because I sweat through my first shirt. I took a cab. Kind of real Warren Buffett story. I also eat McDonald's every day.

He said you were smart with money. I don't know. No, yeah, I was always good with money, but I didn't have any. So it's really easy to be like, I have $20 till Thursday. Sure. I hold on. Is that budgeted or is that all you got?

Because if Kevin says he has $20. No, literally like no money. The only money I had for years was hosting the open like Monday and Tuesday in Denver. And that was a total of like 180 bucks. And then I could scrape together cash on the weekends working. But it was also like, OK, I'm still going to smoke name brand cigarettes.

I'm still going to spend like a bunch of money on every Miller light that I get my hands on. You just learn how to be like, all right, you can make, like you said, you can make $20 stretch until you get paid again. Whether it's, all right, let me get my cigs. I'll be like, I can get $5 here or a couple beers over there and figure it out. Yeah, I mean, we had to do that.

Yeah, no. Listen, I know we're dirtbags, but from what he said that he was smart with money, I thought it was a situation. I think he's just applying that now. Applying that now. I have more money, but I still live like, you know. Because I used to hate in high school when like, you would take a test and then you'd

lean over like the girl next to you. Like, I definitely failed that. She was like, I definitely failed it too. She gets like an A plus. Right. It's like, there's people that say they're broke. I mean, when they got like 10 grand in the bank, they're just smart and they don't even consider that as money.

No, yeah. I mean, it's mostly invested in stuff. My liquid assets are pretty low. Liquid assets? Oh, fuck. Well, yeah, man. How you write one best selling novel in your life. This next one might be shit.

Who knows. So I'm trying to save and nut up all this money. Sure, I bought stock in Fanta. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I bought so much crystal Pepsi stock. I'm boned, y'all. Hoping Jarritos makes a real run. It was so funny on the Louie episode

where you brought up Jarritos and he was like, no, I'm talking about good sodas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, tell us that. Yeah, it's wild. It's good. It's nice to be here.

This is your third secret Mexican guest you've had in a row. You're also, did we not cover that? I think we probably did. My grandma was a little cave Mexican from northern New Mexico. Oh, your grandma's 100% Mexican? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's awesome. And I'm like, my dad keeps saying nine sixteenths

because my grandpa on his side claimed to be like, his great grandpa married like a Cherokee princess. OK. I don't think there's like a royalty hierarchy in the Cherokee tribes. You don't think casino money coming? No, fuck no. That'd be nice.

Yeah, it'd be great. I wouldn't be here. Shout out to this. All right. You know how liquid I would be? He would, but just for fun. Yeah. Shout out to the Seneca Casino, by the way.

Up there in Buffalo. Oh, yeah? Throw a couple of chips down. Couple of things with Uncle Hank's one. I got fleeced. Yeah. What happened with the 10K bet? It's public knowledge we lost.

I know, but how did it feel? It felt horrible. Hot Cosh fucking put the fucking kibosh on him. He remembers his name. No. Hot Cosh saying the deal. Thought that was a good deal. You're not that far.

And Manny, you fucking piece of shit. I know what you were doing down there. You remembered his name. Oh, my god. He's not a Sicilian vendetta. I saw that happening and couldn't process it. Like, I couldn't get it out. That was so funny.

Now, Hot Cosh came down with us. He was supposed to match the bet. Gets in the car, fucking. He doesn't have the money. It gets all turned around. But he's a rich guy, so we assume that he knows what he's doing. He's like, when we get down there,

I'll take the money out at the counter. I'm like, I don't know. He's got an American Express card. I don't know how these people fucking operate. And it turned into a whole fucking song and dance. Yeah. People with money. People that do well.

Yeah, he got all jammed up with customer service at American Express. They wouldn't take this. And just all the mojo just went out. Dude, we walked in there like we fucking owned the place. And then 40 minutes later, me and him were just chain smoking cigarettes next to a astray waiting for Hot Cosh to get them out.

But how free did you feel after you lost that money? No, horrible. Went to Dunkin' Donuts and got a donut. That's horrible. No, horrible. Huh. Yeah. Because I've definitely lost a lot of money gambling.

Really? I didn't know that. What's your poison? Sports? Oh, sports gambling for sure. And especially in Colorado because you can just do it on your phone. I'm down significantly in sports gambling.

There's no wins there, long term. So it's for the liquid assets, huh? Yeah, it's why I can't have any liquid. It's all got to be sucked away. Cleveland's screwing me. Yeah. But then Blackjack, when I lived in Vegas, Blackjack was a big one.

Well, Blackjack. Really? Yeah. I've been so stupid with money. I was in Vegas one time. My mom's birthday was November 17th. All on black, November 17th. It hit 17.

I let it ride again. It hits two in a row. I always let it ride. Two in a row, 17 back to back to back. Or back to back. It's on roulette. This is roulette. Really?

I left it again. All gone. Holy shit. Yeah, that first hit wasn't good enough. The second hit wasn't good enough. It's the loss that I think that I covet and crave. I just fucking said that two weeks ago. I was like, I'm in it for the loss.

I'm in it. That's the only time I feel OK. It's like a baptismal. Yes. Because you're totally like, I can't control myself. It's all gone. I'm free. Because if I still had the money, I'd still be spending it.

Yeah, the wheels would be spending on how to either double it or spend it or will I buy? Or if you have no money, you're like, just get my package. Or also how to hide it. You know what I mean? Yeah. This guy's real cowboy out here. Well, hey, man.

The IRS doesn't need to know what I'm doing. Same here, folks. And also, it's like, things are not going well, societal. Like, I came home last weekend from the road, and my wife was like, I signed this up for tactical shot-cutting classes. All right. I was like, what?

This is what you're doing alone in the house? Considering this kind of shit? Sure, that's pretty crazy. Yeah. You got weapons? You got steel? Come on. He goes to Colorado.

Yeah, what do you mean? Hey, man, I'm from the West. Where it always looks like rain. And from the salt flats, baby. I keep that thing on me. I like that. Yeah. Having a shotgun's fun.

I know. I wanted to get one when I turned like 18 or 19 or whatever, and I moved out to. Well, it was the 60s. It was a different time. But I just never did. We weren't gun people really growing up. Yeah, not gun people.

BB gun. Had a red rider. Take a raccoon out every once in a while. That's about it, though. I was never a gun person growing up. My grandfather used to keep a pistol in his truck, but that was about it. Yeah.

That was just because he had PTSD from various wars. They didn't have them. They had like a rifle or something in the house, right in case a coyote or something came through. Uh, yeah, my grandpa had a rifle, but he would never brandish it wildly. But that pistol got pulled in the Sonic Drive through. In the Sonic Drive?

Oh, yeah. You know, the chili fries are pretty good. Oh, dude, when they screw up the ratio of the slushie to the ice cream, grandpa's firing off a couple of warning shots. It's a flare gun. Calm down. You look here, Akash. We were talking the other night about you getting to go to Australia.

Yeah. And I was like, did you see any terrifying animals, deadly animal creatures? You're like, no. But I was like, what's the cutest animal you saw in Australia? Not the koalas. The koalas reek. They smell.

Yeah, they look real cute, though. They have a sex gland on their chest, the male koalas. All right. And you're not supposed to hold them after they've hit like puberty, but we went to a real rinky dink koala farm. So this guy just reeked. Yeah, he stunk it up. And then you hold them on your chest.

So then after you leave, you just smell like, you know. Don't all the koala chicks hanging all over you at the bars and shit then after that? Because you got to eat the scent on it. You're burying the leaf. Post it up at the corner. Yeah. I got a couple of unique strains of chlamydia coming back.

Look at patient zero over here. Yeah. Koalapox coming in. I think the red kangaroo was the cutest because I was there with Ben Avery who has some kind of like tiny, adorable animal autism. Like all he sends is like Lilo and Stitch Gifts back and forth because he loves those so much. So yeah, he was like.

He is a sweet, sweet boy. He's adorable and innocent. Yeah, that really is. And it's funny to be there with him and Tim because Tim's very upset. He can't get a club sandwich in the Daintree rainforest at 4 a.m. I mean, what do you got to do? Yeah, this place is bad.

You're out of, are you, are you out of? Out of Leon A's potatoes? Yeah. I don't understand. It's very funny to be in a world heritage site and it's the only place in the world, the rainforest, oldest rainforest in the world and then also the Great Barrier Reef

and they have butt right there and Tim's like, can't get cigarettes at the resort. It's like, well, why don't you just, you know, go on a walk? I said, walk? Why? I get a Porsche. Porsches are good. Drive around.

That's why Tim and Freshman is just say something and then say it again. That's pretty good. Maybe one more time. How did you feel about all that stuff, being in that rainforest and stuff? It was life. It was, it was otherworldly. Did you go swimming in the Great Barrier Reef?

Of course. Are there sharks around there? There's these tiny, like as big as your thumbnail jellyfish that are called like the terror fish because they just fill you with the sense of dread if they bite you. What? Yeah, yeah.

I think he's been bed every day for fucking 30 years. Yeah. It's jellyfish and what are they? Brainiac? That's crazy. That, that's nuts. Yeah, dude. You get bit. You're like, did I leave the stove on?

What's happening? Yeah. I know. I'd rather take the welt. Yeah. It just feels like your mom's calling you late at night for three days. Holy shit.

Yeah. Foley fish. I think my checking account's overdrawn. That's nuts. Yeah. So, I mean, it wasn't, we didn't like immerse ourselves past the genitals, but it was definitely like,

I got to put my feet into this ocean right here. Sure, of course. Yeah. And then Tim's like, you know, chain smoking on the beach. There's no one else at the beach. He's just like, well, all right, back to the car. I heard there's ice cream.

Eight and a half hours away to the chopper boys. Shout out to Timmy D. He's the greatest. He does it right. No one lives like Tim. And that's where I got the whole thing about like, I'm not having kids, you know, everything's taking full,

because that's what Tim will say all the time. He's like, all the money goes to Ben. I have kids. I don't, I'm not having kids. Who cares? I could live or die. Everyone will remember me, you know? He's the best.

He's great. He's the most generous guy I've ever worked with. And initially when I was with him, it was like, I'm a hired employee. And now it's like, I love the guy, you know? That was a fun transition to have happen. That's awesome. You guys have been kicking around doing your thing, man.

We love to see it. Yeah, man. I had lunch with him yesterday. Oh, that's right. He's in town. That's right. Forgot. Yeah.

Just doing his thing. I didn't know there were so many preparations of lobster. Really? Yeah. I just, he orders for the table. Of course he does it. I picked the restaurant twice and it was dog shit. And it was the most embarrassing thing.

Oh, wow. I would be petrified. Yeah, we were out together for like 10 months. So every now and then I'm like, Tim, I did some research and he's like, OK, let's see what you got, kid. He wants you to fail, too. Oh, yeah. No, he doesn't.

A little bit. Yeah, I mean, you know. Oh, we never come back here again. Did you try to be him in order for the table at your restaurant still? No, of course not. Yeah. Number fours.

Yeah. Yeah. I want him smothered covered and capped. Yeah. And whatever the boys want. Yeah. Kim, let's talk about that for SpokePost. Box of awesome.

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Box of awesome.com from a code garbage debt. Kevin's talking about Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. And I ain't talking about one of the bozos you grew up with. I'm talking about the Dave app. Uh-huh. You ever been scrapped for cash? Have I?

I'm strapped right now. What are you talking about? Dave! Dave! Get Dave on a horn. Hemmed up. All of a sudden, things pop up every month. You got this bill.

You got that bill. Something happens in the car. It'd be nice to have a little bit of cash on hand. A little bit of a bandaid. Yes. And the Dave app can help you do that. Yes. Lay it on them.

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Apply banking provided by Evolve member FDIC. Future you will thank you. Do it. Yeah. But yeah, he's a big milkshake guy. Big milkshake guy. What about what tell me about these lobsters? What's going on here?

Oh, there was like a was it Thermador? There was a chilled preparation. There was like some kind of like almost like a ceviche. Yeah. I'm just sitting there eating. And Tim will have like three bites of something then be over it, you know? So that's a very rich guy thing to do.

It's a very classy move. I'll take it from here, Tim. Wrap it up the shells. You put these in the blender for about two minutes. Buddy, good to have you here. Good to see you. So glad to be here, man. Let's do a couple of cues for the old Patrione.

By the way, I want to shout out to the fan base for being so kind and supportive. The garbage heads have been great, but it is funny when they'll like come to a show and there'll be someone there who doesn't know me and they'll be like, this is Sam Talent. He's a fucking pig. He's disgusting.

Oh my God, this guy's the king of Trash Mountain. It's very nice to meet you. He's in his bedroom. Janet, you know? And then they're also like, you and Tom to car. You got to go head to head. You got to have a trash off. And I'm like, why?

And they're like, well, he's more trash than you. And automatically I'm like, no, I'm the worst. I'm the one who's gross. You just shit your pants right there. Put them on my head. That's like fucking Homelander and Soldier Boy fucking coming that bad. Yikes.

Well, this is so sweaty. What's going on in here? I don't know. The air conditioning sucks. The sweat adds to the garbage. It's like it's a deposition. It gets real soupy in here. Oh, yeah.

It's like a rainforest exhibit. And grilled by Liz Cheney over here. Let's go. So far as the prepper thing, before we get into this, you're talking about the tactical firearm classes. Would you be a guy to like bury gold or something like that? Because the cash ain't going to be worth anything when it all goes south.

Yeah, especially when it comes to like stocks and digital assets. Sure. There's a certain holding I have in silver. Really? But yeah, no. Do you have access to it? Yeah, I mean, it's not. But would you have to strong arm a little bit?

Someone else doesn't have a key and I have to find him. There's not an amulet I broke in half that unlocks a lockbox. Nick Cage isn't involved. Yeah. No, it's just in a safe in a remote location. That's awesome. Yeah. But again, bullets and salt, that's what you invest in.

Really? Yeah. I mean, when it all goes down, you're going to need bullets, you're going to need salt. Why salt? Because salt you can use to preserve food. French fries. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Don't you want to rim the glass of your margarita? I mean, if you want to live like an animal. Yeah. Come on. Are we doing this or are we doing it? Yeah. The sun might have exploded, but I'm still trying to live, baby.

You stand in front of the Chinese overlord? Hey, you see that? Yeah, it's Mr. Yam. You boys milked me for too long. It's time for my piece. It's a pound of flesh. Yeah. So I know salt back in the day was that was like, that was currency.

Yeah. I know the history over here. Yeah, I know. Wish I had a treat I could give you. Very good, hey. I think I learned that from Elton Brand, to be honest with you. Elton Brand? He was cooking something.

You mean Elton Brown? Elton Brown. Elton Brand is a basketball player. Shout out to him. He's doing a hell of a job with him. Sixers. Oh, man. The guy that has the camera in the oven, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, Elton Brown. He was great. Yeah. He knows all that shit. Good eats. Good eats. Yeah. I heard he's a dream to work with.

Really? Have a little showbiz talk for you, folks. Yeah. Oh, man. That's right. As you know, that's like between the heat and the stupidity, I'm getting dizzy over here. Having you here feels like the last day of school. That's what's awesome about it.

Oh, I'm giddy, dude. It's the summer. I feel like we're getting ready to get out of here at Donnie Park. It is a special treat because I do like when our friends are the guests who we didn't know and then we become friends with. Through the show. They live in the West Coast or elsewhere. When they come to the sit, when they come to town, it's like an appointment.

Oh, it's so great. I'm excited. Yeah. I came in a couple of days early. Well, we can talk about it in a second. Let's get to some questions. Please. I have a question for you guys in a minute.

I was going to ask, how much salt do you think I need? What do you think we're talking about here? You're probably going to want to get like two big blocks of salt, like the salt lick that horses use, but you want to make sure that it's iodized salt. Really? No. It's that Himalayan stuff going out the window.

That pink shit's worthless. Yeah, when the bullets start flying. Yeah, when people are trading their holes for food. Yeah. He want the good shit. Yeah, when all my teeth are knocked out, you know, and I'm just on all fours. Getting attached to the human centipede?

Yeah, exactly. All right. There you go. Salt and bullets, baby. I like it. That's pretty good. Salt and bullets. As you know, when you sign up for that there,

Patreon, the greatest goddamn website of all time. We can, we'll answer your garbage question on the air. It's just the best way to do it. Patreon gets the first crick in it. Yes, sir. This one's from Leslie. Have you ever cut off the funeral procession because you were late for work and needed to get there?

Have you ever cut off a funeral procession? That's a real piece of shit move. Oh yeah, that's dastardly. Yeah. Talk about not respecting the den. Yeah. It's like just because you got to get the denies or whatever you're doing. That's like something bad is going to happen.

Uh-huh. Yeah, it's bad juju. I've never been late to a job because I haven't had a job since I was like 19. So, no. What was the last job? Ice cream truck driver. How many people you kill, huh? Well, the Greek mob runs, like allegedly,

runs the ice cream truck rack in the den. Now I need you to use shotgun skills. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if they're Greek, but they're Swarthi. All right. They're Tommy Pope adjacent. Okay. So yeah, they run, and if you get there early enough,

they give you a truck, and then you get paid in cash. So I would just go home every day with like $130.00 in quarters, like in a sock. It was a pretty good gig. I'd pick up my buddy Bonzo. We'd rip around smoked blondes. Nice. Ice down beers in the cooler. Cool.

Yeah, because you're just driving like four miles an hour, eight hours a day. Sure. So you can be a little turnt, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It practically flies itself. Yeah. I'm not getting on the highway here.

Yeah, you just put on the autopilot. Driving on the highway in a doorless ice cream truck. Probably feels good. It's like going to the moon. Ooh. Yeah. Fresh bomb pop in your hand. Dude, future's in front of you.

You have no idea how many of those SpongeBob pops I ate. Oh, I love them. Yeah. He just be like, I don't need to stop and get food. I'll have six more Spiderman. Four Choco Tacos, I would do it. Oh, Choco Taco. You leave it on the dash for about a half an hour?

Yeah. Choco Taco was like, that was like the fucking holy grail to me as a kid. I remember when they came out, we weren't allowed to get them, because they were like 50 cents more than everything else on the ice cream truck. They came in that silver space age packet. I've said it before, but for the longest time, I thought there was taco meat in there that I didn't touch. My brother would get them.

I'm like, fuck that, dude. Give me a firecracker. I thought the Elton brand thing was going to be the dumbest thing I heard today. Hey, I was seven. He's 46. Hey, brother, we got plenty more. Along those lines, I thought that Pizza Hut was pizza hot until I was 22. Oh, OK.

Yeah. So I'm right there with you, dude. Yeah. But yeah, never cut off a funeral procession. No, never do that. I get so much anxiety being in them, especially when you're driving. It's like the last chop right of knowledge. They're going to leave you.

Sometimes you get real panicky. You're looking to see how far it goes back, making sure everybody's sticking together. And if you have some aunt in front of you that really needs a fucking heater after a fucking emotional service that's trying to get to the fucking cemetery, so she can rip one before the casket rolls in, she'll fucking blow your doors off. I forget who it was. Either my mom or my Aunt Patty got stuck in one. And they weren't in it.

They were just driving and ended up in the line of cars. Oh, yeah. And they were up at the luncheon. And they didn't want to get out because it's disrespectful to the dead. So they showed up to the grave site. And they just looped in and then looped around. Yeah, in a rag-top Jeep. They were going to the beach.

Surfboard hanging out the back. Yeah, sunscreen on the nose. Wham's playing. Yeah. I've been in a funeral procession where at least five of the vehicles were riding lawnmowers or tractors. Whoa. Yeah.

That's the country that I came up in. Holy shit. That's fucking nuts. You ever been in one that has a police escort? That's pretty sweet. No, because the only ones I've been in, I've never been in one in a big city. Okay. So I've only been in one in like cities with population less than a thousand.

The sheriff doesn't. Who has really no knees. Well, he's usually, he's attending the funeral probably. You know, because it's all recessual out there. Were the tractors in John Deere? Like tractor tractors or like, you know, cut the backyard tractor? No. Like there's been some like actual like agricultural machinery involved.

Jesus Christ. I don't know. You were coming down the street? Yeah. He had an excavator. Someone's an esteem roller. Hurry up, Steve. Fucking row, row of bobcats.

Everyone's crying. You ever seen a man weeping a bobcat? He's shaking back and forth. Looks like the constructicons got whacked. Great question. This one's from the milk man of the Midwest. Is it garbage to collect your family's old antibiotics in case you need one because you don't have insurance?

No. No. That's real big. I mean, antibiotics, I think most families get passed around. 100%. Yeah. At least most blue collar found. Everybody I know passes them around like they're fucking tic-tac.

Yeah, I was always taught to just take a round of antibiotics every once in a while. What? Yeah. Yeah. Not, I mean, there had to be some sort of issue. No, my mom was, you know, if it's coming up on like cold and flu season or whatever. Yeah. I remember at one point she had a Z-Pack connect.

Did you get your hands on a Z-Pack? Bella's hit me up. My wife's got those. Really? She's a doctor, man. That's right, dude. Anybody that works in the middle, it's like it was just paying them out pills. My family, it was like fucking a pharmacy.

Not like even not pills pills, but like, you know, shit like that. Antibiotics fucking is that. It jammed up. Call somebody. They got it. And also you should hoard the antibiotics too for when society collapses. Well, if you take them all the time, they're not going to work. Yeah.

Well, yeah, if you're just randomly having some antibiotics because your mom was a witch doctor. Can you pass me some penicillin, please? I think crazy is the word you're looking for. My mom is a witch doctor. Um, fucking about. Well, you can get around that though. Doesn't that shit grow on oranges or something? There is.

There's some kind of like fungus or mold that, but you would have to cultivate it in a way that I don't think you could do just like in the bush. Based on my own brand comments. Yeah. If you slam dunk this mold, maybe. Yeah. Fuck, I got that salt antibiotics and bullets. Uh-huh.

All right. Yeah. I'm going to get a piece. And these are just for bartering too. Sure. There's a number of things that you're going to want to need in your bunker that are edible. That'd be good. Booby traps.

Booby traps. Yeah. A bunch of paint cans on ropes. Sure. Do you have like, uh, in case something does, do you know, do you have a route of where you're going to go? Because you're probably already, you're not in Denver, probably in the city, like downtown. Well, they, they say that.

Do you have like a fucking, this is where I'm going to go, go up in the hills or something? It's either drive north to Wyoming or try and make it out to my dad's property in the country, depending where I'm at. And that's like, we have a Bronco with the off-road sport mode. And that's like secretly the ace up my sleeve is we got to bug out. We can get without being on the highway. Yeah. Got a little nausea, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. They say that if shit ever really went down, that, that Denver kind of would be the last stand. That would be like the, uh, wherever they went and Lord of the Rings in the second one. Yeah. With the Helms deep. That would be the Helms deep.

Yeah. Well, yeah, Boulder in the, in the book, the stand, they all went to Boulder. Oh, okay. Just because like, I think there's an elevator situation, the rock, the fucking mountains. Yeah. In the center. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's where the shit would go down. But I mean, honestly, if shit goes down. Goodbye. Yeah. I want to pop every purchase that I can find. Go sweetly into that good night. Hey, just go out, scratch it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. What am I? I'm on the other front lines of rebuilding society. What are we fucking talking about? I'm sweating in here. I know. I've been on my nexium for two days.

I'm fucking miserable. Yeah. I'm dehydrated now. There's a case of salt under the sink. Yeah. Later, baby. I hope they honor that insurance policy. The new alien overlords take fucking Geico.

Yeah. This one's from 100% grass-fed queef. Nice. First time long time. Is it garbage if your family sings happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas, including a cake with candles? Oh, what the fuck? That's fucking crazy.

Whoa. Those are the first ones that are going to be eating your brains when it comes in. Oh, yeah. Well, it's probably easy in this family because your dad's eight wives are a great chorus. You are. You are. They're really harmonized. Sounds like the Commodore's in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Happy birthday. For some reason, they do the black version. Doing the downbeats and whatever. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's not it.

I don't wonder what that is. That's mental illness. You sure? Yeah, for sure. That's a cult ritual is what they're partaking in. That's wild. Yeah. Plus, I feel like he wouldn't want that.

He wouldn't want that cheesy, happy birthday shit. Like, we just think we get embarrassed by that stuff. He probably doesn't get it. No. You know what I mean? I think Christmas is more classy. He would hate it. I don't know.

Yeah, he's got all those fucking killer songs, all those Bing Crosby songs. He don't want that post. Come at me with happy birthday? Yeah. You fucking, you're opening up. You're opening up with Silent Night and you're going in a happy birthday? What are we doing here?

I respect it. I respect the move. You can also hit him with four on the floor gospel. You know? Like, you have every religious song that would be apt for him as well. True. Yeah. Yeah, you have all that catalog.

And no one's wishing him a goddamn happy birthday, but this sweet, sweet family. That's what I'm saying. Everybody says Merry Christmas and nobody says happy birthday. I would even have more respect for if they went like the casual dining route, where they, you know, they can't sing happy birthday. Because if they did happy, yeah, something like that. I think that's true. Yeah, they'll let it do it.

A copyright. Yeah. That's why every Chili's and Applebee's has their own version of the birthday song. Because of copyright? Yeah. They'll be like, happy happy birthday. It's your big day. The actual happy birthday song is one of the most expensive songs to use in movie and film.

I know. I'm aware, but that's what I'm saying. It's not being recorded anywhere. So you're not allowed to sing it? There's a lot of bootlegs of like Red Robin birthday songs out there. But that can't be the reason because of the copyright. But it's not, I'm saying it's not getting like, if you go to a fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma and somebody sings happy birthday,

you don't owe the happy birthday people a nickel. I worked, I worked at a Fridays and every time we sung the Jerusalem birthday song, we had to send an amp, an appetizer sampler to two courts of Jack Daniels sauce. Couple pater skins. That doesn't make any sense. So you would never be able to sing any song ever. That doesn't make any sense. I know it is the, it was some woman held it or something.

Toby, are you looking it up? Yeah. It's exactly what we're saying. The happy birthday song was still, oh no, it's the public domain hit. Oh really? Yeah, so that was on three. Now they can do it. Yeah.

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Get Sheath underwear and let them support your balls. Do it, baby. Now back to the show. Back to that show. No, yeah. That's that's disturbing behavior, which was described in this question. Yeah, that's crazy. Birthday cake on, listen, I'm a, we know the reality of the situation here.

All right. I'm not kicking a piece of cake out of bed. Yeah. Cake's not making it out of the car. No, but a piece of cake on Christmas wouldn't feel right. A cake on Christmas is weird to me. What? Yeah.

Who has cake on Christmas? You draw the oddest lines in the sand. That's just, it's wild. Cake on Christmas. I could do it the next day. I couldn't have like a, like a, like a Betty Crocker cake with icing. What do you, what would you, what's better? I mean, you do the, you have like.

Nanocotty. Throw the sparkler in the gnocchi and hit it. No. Uh, you know, pumpkin pie, apple pie, huh? Like little, little chocolate cake there. It's not whatever. Cause there's like a sort man. It just looked weird, but that would look out of place.

If it was a nice Christmas spread and then a fucking happy birthday Jesus fucking cake. Well, I think you have to separate the two holidays in your head. Yeah. Because there's Christmas and then there's also a birthday party going on. Yeah. So when one room. You're trying to force one in on Christmas. It's not, it's two separate entities.

It's not an amalgamation. It's two things. Maybe if we did it at a separate house. That's Christmas at my grandmother's. And then we all left, had coffee, dessert there. And then went at another second round at my aunt's. And if anyone mentions Christmas at your aunt's house, you go off. We change, we go home and change.

Make our aunt leave early so she could take all the Christmas decorations down. Maybe throw up some fucking balloons. Yeah. All right. I'll do it. He's in. It's not Jesus's birthday unless your aunt is heavily inconvenienced on Christmas. Yeah.

Yeah. Ever make another full dinner and we'll just throw it out. Yeah. That's what he would have wanted. I think that's a family guy. They were going at the dinner. He's like, I want you to cook anyway. I don't want you getting rusty.

All right. This one's from Ryan. Have you ever had a set time of the night where indoor smoking was allowed? So like, I guess if you're hanging out at a house party or a house and you're like, all right, it's one in the morning. After dinner service? We're allowed to have six. Like night and weekend minutes?

Exactly. Exactly. Like, hey, you know, it's like International Walters after 2 a.m. if you're up doing lines or something. You can smoke cigs inside. The purge of ripping burnies. Late night, cigs inside for me and like our Kyle, wherever, always had to be in the kitchen because it was like no pouts.

There was no like fabric to absorb the smoke. Ashing the sink. Open the window. Turn the vent all over the fucking stove. It was always the last of the Mohicans too. Six guys hanging out. The homeowners asleep. Yeah.

So you're like, well, he's not going to know. Wake up in the morning, cook some popcorn, call it a fucking day. I remember as a kid, I can picture that. You come down all the lights out of her in the house. You smell that faint smoke. You hear the laughter. You hear the talking of the adults and this and that year and aunt or whatever. And it's just that light coming out of the kitchen.

You come in there and they're like, what are you doing? Get a couple smooches. Yeah, they want you to dance around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm all of a sudden, I'm knee deep in a crazy Eddie impersonation. I can try to do crowd work on a bunch of drugs. Hey, so Uncle Steve's here. Looks like that biopsy didn't stop you.

Let's keep it going for the wait step. Why were you? You're wearing a fedora. You're completely nude otherwise. You're a little eight year old peen. Yeah, it was always when people were tripping because everyone would get drunk at the party and go to bed. Those people would pass out.

And the people who took hallucinogens would still be up. And either you're outside smoking or you're inside smoking. So yeah, I think that it was more, it wasn't time dependent. It was more substance dependent for us. Sure. And every house I lived in before I moved in with my wife was SIGS 24-7. Really? Oh, we were just blasting.

We were kind of, my places were similar too. Yeah, because it's like, I know we're not getting this security deposit back, no matter what. Let's smoke in here. Let's paint the walls. Let's put holes and stuff. Yeah, it is nice though, to keep that separation of church and state within the home.

You know what I mean? You go out, you have one. It gives you something to do. You go out on a porch. Because it's already gross. If you're just sitting there playing manhunt, smoking cigarettes on the couch, scraping resin when you're not playing, that's a gross dark time. And without some kind of airflow, it, oh dude, it's stagnant.

Yeah, it gets brutal. Gets in your hair. Yeah. And then you wake up the next morning, you're like, oh, I don't really want a shower, but I guess I have to. Yeah, 100%. You smell it in the shower. It smells in there.

Smoking in the shower though. Never done that. Oh, dude. Cold one in the shower, blast in a hundo, doesn't get better. Man. Yeah. Like if I get to pick my last 30 minutes on earth. I was just going to say, that's something to do the day you're dying.

Yeah. That's right before the bank job. Yeah. Because you're fucking trying to file off your fingernail. That stays lit with a grill lighter too. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Or it works. That's no big. Yeah. It's off the stove and then run to the bathroom. That's the move. I love a seagull off a stove. Oh, that's the most worse than that. I've been off the burnies, but that is due to my house at Temple University had an electric stove

and we would fucking lighten sigs off an electric stove. It was so fucking good. There's that anticipation. It has to heat up and then once it gets hot. It's a little bit of a deal. If you get greedy and jump the gun, it fucking catches it. Oh, yeah. It's not hot enough.

Yeah, you're that idiot. You ripped a half your cigarette off like a fucking fool. You got to go bum one again. Yeah. Hey, man, I'm real sorry. We all used to smoke camels and if you didn't have any cigarettes, you had to wait until the camel walked on fire, which is when the feet of the camel at the bottom of the sig,

then you could have it from someone. Whoa. What did you guys call that? We call it kills. Like, hey, could I get kills on that? Oh, let me get the heroin on that. The heroin. Yeah, that's where all the nicotine is, man.

It's all resonated. So let me get the heroin on that. Kills is also a synonym. We did kills. We did, I think shorts was one. Let me get shorts on that. Kills, shorts. Camel walks on fire.

We called them counties. Counties? Yeah. Because it's how they would smoke sigs in county. It's like, I'll take anything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Did you really call them that or do you see that in a movie,

Tony? No, that was the homies, dude. Hey, we all saw the wire, all right? Yeah. Because you and Dustin Dolan. That was a deep cut for the kids. Hell yeah, man. Baker.

I'm reading the book this weekend and I'm getting off of this week. I'm making a strong, I'm making, let me say this, making a strong effort, too. Good. Yeah. Yeah. It's too much.

But until that, I got to pack in the bag. Got a bunch of these. Well, the book says you can smoke while you're reading it. It's a hippie sense. That's why you're reading the book. Yes. And it works for you. Yeah.

This is heavily debated. It worked twice for me. I quit for five years. After 15 years, I quit for five years. Whoa. And then I picked it back up during the pandemic. And then I read it and I stopped again in a day and spent three weeks.

And now you're lording it over, everybody. Oh. No, he's going around like a Mormon. You kidding me? Yeah. Knocking on doors. Yeah. He's singing Happy Birthday to Jesus on Christmas.

With great lung capacity, by the way. I'm getting the high notes, too. He's belting it. You're really belting it out now. Kid me, you've been taking lessons? Powered car. Quit smoking. Good shit.

Love an indoor Bernie, though. All right. I'm getting me all juiced up over here. Let's see. This is from Sean. Have you or anyone you know ever bought meat from a couple of guys driving around town with a deep freeze full of all cuts of beef in it?

Sure. 100%. Sure. I feel like out by you, that might be a little bit more legitimate. Yeah. I usually know it's like from the Rogers Farm or the Evans Farm.

But in Denver, they have those dudes driving around. And sometimes they're not even driving around. They're just on a bicycle with a cooler in the basket. Y'all need bacon. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Eggs, bacon, beef. Yeah.

But it's real deal shit. See, that happens in New York a lot. A van will pull up. And two dirt balls will be like, hey, you want any steaks? You eat steaks for the weekend? They're stolen or they're old. That's OK.

I don't care where it comes from. But they might be old. You don't worry about their food safety. Well, make stroganoff. Huh? You know? Make a little stew. Make a beef bogey all.

What, overcook it? Yeah. Cook it to shit and wine. It's fine. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. That opens up a real bad door. Have you cooked with meat you knew was bad

and just cooked the shit out of it? So it's tough? Yes. Yes, I have. Yeah, because of all the memory loss from the botulism. Yeah. I'm sure you're having trouble piecing it together. Hold on.

Where am I? It was a whole week in the fall. Well, I have one of those legs. Like I have an Iberico ham that I get every year at Christmas, which is the Spanish ham that's kind of like a country ham where they let it like hang in a cellar and the outside of it rots. Well, it looks like prosciutto.

Kind of like prosciutto. But there's a protective mold on the outside. So it's really hard to know once you get deep into that thing just how rotten the innards are. And I definitely cook with that a lot. Hold on. Define innards. It's a solid piece of muscle.

It's a whole leg, right? But once you, you know, I get it on Christmas and when you get to the 4th of July, like right around now. What? What are you talking about? You leave it out? You leave it out on a shelf.

Yeah. And it has like a stand. Then you cut it very thin. It's like a Spanish style ham. They feed the pigs just on acorns. It's like the best meat you can get in the world. But depending on the humidity and where you are. So you're using it throughout the season.

It's not like you get it on Christmas and save it. You're actually like Christmas Day, you slice a little off, then just leave it on the counter like bread. Well, you... It's on the shelf. Yeah, it's on a shelf. I have like a specific spot for it.

But it's open air. There's a towel over the top of it. Yes. That's airtight, right? Yeah. Top of where to make that towel? You're right to be aghast right now. But...

Wow. I'm just trying to picture what it actually is. You're leaving... It's old fucking big way. You're leaving meat on the counter for six months and eating it as you want. Right, yeah. And it already comes in rotten.

You get it with a layer of mold on the outside. The fat encases it. As you slice that fat off, you reveal delicious, sweet, tasty pink meat. But then as you get closer to the bone, there's something coming out from the bone. So like you hit that layer and you're like, oh, that tastes kind of weird.

But it is a, you know, ham that's been out on the window sill for eight months. So yeah, I eat that thing a lot and my wife yells at me. What kind of towel? I'm imagining a Broncos Beach towel. It's just a hand towel. It's a rally towel. Yeah.

One of those Steelers, John. Let's go pig legs. You got it this year, boys. Yeah, there's always a conversation right around September of my wife being like, you got to throw it away. And I'm like, no, no, there's still plenty of meat on there. And then I'm just spitefully eating rotten ham.

I'll show you. Yeah. Does it smell in the house? Oh, no, no. That's a yes. No, I mean, there's been rumors of it smelling. I can't tell because I'm so inundated. But you killed Bigfoot there.

Yeah, exactly. This guy's eating sash, watching. Yeah, it's the slaughterhouse reek. But it's good. That's, that's the flavor. You do have though. The idea behind that is pretty classy. That's what I'm saying.

I like, you're a foodie. Yeah. He's already refined in certain ways. Like, you know what I mean? Like he can quote poetry, but then he put on a fucking buffalo or a Broncos jersey. Thank you. Which is like.

He was about to hit you. I had the Seneca Casino on my mind. You all do. Akash, you'll get yours. I'll be back to seek my vengeance. He was singing. The dealer was singing out the Seneca one. He was singing, which I thought was weird.

Was unprofessional. He was singing as he was dealing. I was going to Seneca Casino, but I mean, it's all sort of professional. And I do not recommend the oysters. I can tell you that. But like, yeah, that he comes in with chilled white wine, but also eats old meat for months.

It's like, it's very crazy. Well, yeah, I feel like if you're going to have like, gross kind of almost pretentious affectations, you still got to be slime, you know? So I try and keep that slimy layer on me. I'm pretty much like the pig leg. I'm just, I'm just like, I'm great meat, but I'm encased in a layer of poisonous fat.

That's it. You are the pig meat. Yeah, I'm the pig meat. Yeah. Put a shelf up over here. Do keep Sam Town there all year round. I'm coming to just pick at him. Put a towel on him.

Yeah. Let's put some loose leaf over. Do you have a strong stomach, a strong constitution? Like, do you get food poisoning a lot or not? Probably a license plate in that thing. Yeah. Yeah. I was munching hubcaps before I got here.

To be honest with you, I've had like food poison that passed like three days. I am dehydrated. I feel like my eyes are going to come out of my eye. We know where Sam's keeping his silver, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. What'd you say I was keeping his silver?

Keeping his silver. How do you plan on paying for this surgery? You'll find out when you get in there. Hey, Doc, I know how much is in there, too. Yeah. Don't get any ideas. Two Swiss passports. I counted that shit.

Two Swiss passports and a clock. Like, Jason Bourne? Do you have a go bag? I do. I do. It's a ghost. I am the go bag. I'm so sweaty.

Oh, man. I look so gross on camera right now. You look great. You look great. I tell you, it's like summer school in here. It's good time. I'm fun. What is the grossest, gross is a strange word,

but what is the most? I think it's going to be correct for whatever. Yeah. What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten? Probably like the rotted shark meat that's indigenous to like Scandinavia. Oh, my God. But that's.

Andrew Zimmerman wouldn't even fuck with that shit. Oh, yeah. But he's a bitch. He got so fucking. Love Zimmerman. Hollywood pussy. Yeah. What a baby.

Somebody went there. It might have been Bourdain. No, I think it was Zimmerman. I remember. I love him. Yeah. That he could smell it through the TV. What the fuck?

Really? Really? I thought we bombed it over there. Well, I know he's a fan of the pot. So. Andy! Yeah. That's wild.

Yeah. They let that's rotten. Was it good? No. It was terrible. It tasted like hairspray. Anything on it of like, I can see why this is cherished as a. No.

I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Like if that was the crown jewel in my culinary history, I would have died off. Really? Yeah. OK. It's gross.

But I was in Copenhagen with my wife. We were at a very nice restaurant and it was served as part of the, you know, the seven course thing. And I was like, well, I'm going to try it. Yeah. I didn't finish it. And that's very rare. I usually finish whatever's put in front of me.

Did she try it? Oh, no. No, no. She was pissed. They brought it out. Sure. Because it's stunk up the table. Jesus.

Frog legs, snails. You'll do all that. Oh, love snails. Frog legs aren't my favorite. They're gross. They're just gross. Yeah, it's not good. They're never cooked correctly.

They're always wet on the inside. Ew. Well, snails is just a way to, it's like a conduit for butter and garlic. Sure. Well, I enjoy that. You cook it long enough. It's just like a mushroom.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I, yeah. It just doesn't really get me going. You had one though, which is crazy. Every time, I, I'm very big in the same thing in the sense of like, I'll try pretty much every, especially if we're at like a nice restaurant. Yeah.

And it's good. I'm like, well, I know the chef knows what the fuck he's doing. Fine, give me the barbecue sauce and the mushrooms. I'm like, this is going to be the best version or like, one of the best versions of this. I'll fucking try it. And he wants you to enjoy it. He wouldn't serve you something as a dare.

He wants you to actually try this thing, because he thinks he's done it correctly. I'm surprised you didn't do the marrow when we went out to dinner. Oh, yeah. I've, I've had it as the, what, the Asabuco, place I worked at in Philly had started to fuck with it, but it was just the little, the little John, like the little nugget.

It wasn't the fucking, like the fucking liver came long. I love that. It was great. It's decadent. Yeah. Yeah. It's just natural butter. Yeah.

It's pure cholesterol. It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

Did you, did you smear it on toast or did you just eat it with a fork? They would, they would, they would give you a little cocktail spoon with the, with the dish and the Asabuco and you just, you just kind of ate it. This was, this was, this is going back probably 15, 16 years before it was like as trendy as it is now. I think cucumbers were hot back then. The cucumber martini, remember?

Who comers everywhere? No. You don't remember that? Uh-uh. Potatoes were in their heyday. It was a big year for pepper. Sweet potatoes, sweet potato fries were everywhere. Sweet potato fries had a run.

They did. I never got it again. Just give me a regular fry. Did you eat anything weird in Australia? Do you have any kangaroo or alligator? I had a kangaroo tongue down there. Kangaroo? What the fuck?

It's just rat tongue. You're a steak. Well, I did, but. The kangaroo meat's pretty good. It's fucked up as it is. It's okay. It's just tough to get over the fact that you're eating just a giant rodent. Are they rodents?

They're, they're like effectively related to the rodent family. That was what Ben told me. They are, they are, they are, they're adorable. Dicks though, right? Aren't they dicks? Oh, they can rip your keys off. Yeah, they're really fucked up. Yeah, they can steal your credit.

Yeah. Steal your silver. What's your hackers? Uh-huh. Yeah. They're like Angelina Jolie. No, so I ate it and it was, it was not that good. Okay.

But the seafood down there was great. The coffee is amazing. Really? Australia. Australia. Australian coffee. I've never had any better. Really?

What, how do you do your coffee? Iced all the time? No, no, that was just because I was dripping like a ham in a window outside. Like a ham on a shelf. Any humidity here, because they come from zero humidity. By the way, when I was in Denver and Salt Lake City, I, for the first five hours, I was like, this is nothing.

And by the time we got on stage at the Denver Comedy Works, which is a fucking phenomenal comedy club over there. The staff loved you guys. Unbelievable. You were supposed to come to that show and then you flew out to Australia? Oh my God, look, it's all fucking tying together. I texted them like, because you're like,

hey man, I think it was your birthday was that night. And you're like, oh cool, I'm going to be in town, come to the show, you're going to be on the show, you know, we're going to have you on the show. And then I'm like, I haven't heard from fucking Sam. And it was like, we were like flying in that day. So I texted you. I'm like, hey man, are you still coming tonight?

You're like, I'm in Australia. I'm like, okay. Yeah, Tim sent me a, just a plane ticket randomly. Like you're coming. Why wouldn't you come? Why wouldn't you come? It's Australian? It's Australian.

It's Australian. He's cool like that. He's the greatest. He's really good. I'm so grateful for his friendship. Mr. Tim fucking cool. The man. That's my, but what I was saying is at Denver and Salt Lake

City, we were proper fucked up. Like I thought I was having a heart attack. Yeah. Yeah. It was, I got off stage and as I was passing him, he was about to go on. I was like, you feel it. All the stage.

Cause you're like in comedy, when you're performing, it's like you're focused on your breath to hit your punch lines and make sure you can get everything out. And it was like, I was like, I was speaking another language, like running out of breath. So when you come here, it's the humidity. It's the humidity here. But yeah, also I grew up at like 7,200 feet.

Yeah. So yesterday I walked eight miles and I was fine. Yeah. What you would be almost super human. Yeah. Because I guess we produce more white blood cells if you grow up there. If you like, that's why people train it out to here.

Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. So if, if, if aliens are out there, I come at me. All right. No, but I'm saying I'll walk eight miles. If it's difficult for us to go to fucking Salt Lake to

hear with the humidity in different parts of the country, it'd be brutal with different fucking atmospheres and gravity and stuff like that. So you think they definitely got spacesuits on. Right. They're not just walking around. Yeah. They figured out how to get to a different galaxy.

I think they'll figure out how to respirate when they arrive. I'm not. They said breathe. Yeah. That's why I love, I love it. No, because you'll need, you'll need equipment. You'll need a respirator. That's very true.

I didn't think about that. I was thinking about it in the shower yesterday. The way you talk, Sam, is if I was to use a word, you pick the third word on the list from a thesaurus that I would use. Yeah. Well, I just, I think that they would have. That you probably wouldn't know.

Of course. Yeah. They would have a mechanism. I understand four words this guy said this whole time. He's an intelligent, he's a fucking author. What do you mean? He's an intelligent man. Well, that's sweet, guys.

I was, it's true. It's true. A little bit of silver. Hear me jingle jangle. Hear me coming down the street. His money doesn't fold, baby. No. It's all.

I have a question for you guys. Please. Is it garbage to watch your dog be euthanized over FaceTime? I just did this the other yesterday. Is it a friend of yours? It sounds like a personal tale. This was me on Wednesday night, buddy. I'm so sorry.

Thanks, man. Sorry to hear. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Thank you. How long did you have? 14 years. Yeah.

He had a good run. I asked him was like, there's something, you know, like, well, was he sick or hurt or something? He goes, now we were just over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wanted to travel. Yeah. I can't fly with these guys.

He kept ordering movies on pay-per-view. Right. Yeah. I fucking told him one more time. He's just a bad roommate. Yeah, my wife called me when I got off the plane. She's like, you got to come back home. I was like, what?

And she's like, yeah, the vet's coming over right now. His gums are purple. But I was like trying to hang out with Toby and the boys, you know, having fun at the giggle show. And meanwhile, I'm just down the street pounding Narragansett's watching my dog take his last breath. They came to the house to do it. Yeah.

So she called and said, hey, the dog's not feeling well, the vet's coming. Did she know it was really, really bad or like? Yeah. So she, he was coming to euthanize him, not like, let me give him, let me check him out and see what we can do for him. Yeah, my wife, she's a human doctor.

So she knew. She knew. She could tell the gums were discolored. And the lips were discolored. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that, man. Yeah, sorry. Thanks.

I don't think it's, no, that's not true. I mean, if you were on like the subway or something, other people made other people part of it. If you're in a mascot helmet. What the fuck? Yeah. Uh, damn. But I do think that, I don't know, that's classy.

Not classy, but it's not trashy. Okay. I think it afforded you, that's like the one thing with technology is like. It's sad. I could tell you that. Yeah. But it afforded you to be able to be there that last moment.

Yes. Kind of, you know what I mean? Also, I took a bunch of screenshots of the face time of her, like my wife, like saying goodbye. So now I just have like Gordy's death in still frame. So I'm going to flip through when you got a couple in you. Yeah, exactly. We know when you're drinking and you, and it's like,

you're sad and you're like, I want to get real sad. Right, yeah. Cut me, baby. Oh, yeah. You start looking through old pics, throwing a little Jim Crouchy, really let him pour out. You know what's going to be bad though?

At some point, your phone is just going to put those all into like an album and it'll be like your fairy friend and just like the worst moment of your life. The Harry Styles song behind it. Jesus. Happy, happy birthday. Happy, happy birthday. Yeah, it's going to be me walking Gordy through the park,

me feeding him his favorite food, and then just cold dead eyes. Yeah, just two marbles trapped in his head. Yeah. They gave him a needle. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, they put him in a pillowcase and had a ball peen hammer.

They gave him a handgun. They said, do it yourself. Don't be a pussy. At the end of the casino, him and his brother went. Did they take him away or did you wife bury him? No, they were like, what do you want us to do? And my wife was like, well, it's not him anymore. So she just put him in a trash bag and gave it to the vet.

To take him out. I don't know where he is now. Hell, probably. Knowing his views. Knowing his views. His lifestyle. Dog's going to hell. That's pretty funny.

Right up the treatment. Dogs in hell. Very sorry about that. Thanks, man. Now, was that the only dog you had? Yeah. Are you going to get another one? I know of.

Are you going to get another one? You guys going to poppy? No, dude. Really? Yeah, because we want to, like, she's going to be a travel doctor next year. What does that mean? She's going to go around to different places and be a doctor. Wait, you can do that?

It was only two words. Travel doctor. Piece of together. Use context clues. I didn't know ten minutes she meant like home calls or whatever they're called. No, no, so she'll, like, take a contract in New York, take a contract in Chicago. Is she licensed everywhere? Yeah, yeah.

Doctors can practice anywhere. Really? In the States, in Canada, and I think most English speakers. Not in Canada. Anx. Not like real estate. Yeah. Not doing auto inspections.

Now she got to talk to the union about that or what's the deal? Well, that's pretty cool. Are you guys going to coordinate this? What's the plan? That's classy. That's exciting. Yeah, and eventually, like, long term, probably move to Spain. We're both learning Spanish.

I also graduated from college. I've been here for years, the last time since I've been here. Yeah, that's right. I got my bachelor's, yeah. Fucking college. Thanks for having me. My hands are so wet. Yeah, okay.

It's like they've been in a pumpkin for an hour. There's a protective mold around them. What's happening? Have you done that before? How do you know what that feels like? Oh, dude. I love scooping guts. Oh, yeah.

SNGs. Uh-huh. What was the name of the university? Metro State University of Denver. Nice. Go Roadrunners. There you go. How's the squad this year, huh?

Oh, dude, they're very good at women's volleyball. Really? Yeah, they don't have any football. Sounds like a cell phone provider. I know Metro. I'm not going to say the guy just graduated. I mean, that's my role in this. It sounds like you're working coal cases or something.

Fucking working at Metro. I got a diploma and a flip phone. You guys want to sign up by any chance? You guys want to graduate? 10-year contract. Jesus Christ. Don't text me. I only have 10 left this month.

Yeah. That's awesome. Spain, would you like to go? I want to go. I think it was a Basque country kind of guy. No, probably Barcelona. Love Barcelona. My girl is literally on her way there right now.

Oh, dude. Hopefully she comes back. Thanks. Yeah. Hopefully just her comes back. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, so I don't know.

That's just like their life. The world's so big. I'm well aware. And it's tough because I love stand-up, but I've done stand-up since I was like 18. I've been on the road since I was 18. Would you go on the road from there? Would you just?

35. Would you just make that your home base and like travel from there? I think so, man. Huh. Yeah. I think I'm going to go over to the UK with Stand-Hope in September.

OK. I'm just trying to like set myself up to do stand-up in as many places as possible. Globally. Because I've done every state besides Delaware. If you guys have any Delaware listeners, you want to bring me in there so I can get number shift. I'm sure we got a bunch of them.

Oh, yeah. So that's the only state is Delaware? Yeah. Damn. I'm not like going out of my way up down there. Yeah. It's like the mayor. Uh-huh.

He'll play a slide whistle. He's got to go 12% of the gig, though, but yeah. Yeah. He's like a cartoon. Oh, Ian. He's so funny. Cousin Ian. We love him.

Yeah. Wait, you did stand-up in Alaska? Yeah. How was that? Where do you think the silver's buried? Yeah. He just slices your throat and walks out of the room. That's what's so crazy is I can picture you like.

You're a little DB Cooper vibes. In a kayak. Oh, shit. Yeah, he does. Suitcase in a fake mustache. Now look straight ahead. He's on the plane. As I jump out of the back of this mega bus.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sam Pallin. Buddy, we fucking love you. We love having you here, man. Love you guys. So happy for y'all. Great time. You got anything you want the folks out there to know? What do you got coming up?

You were talking about a novella. Oh, yeah. I got a novella on Audible. It's only available on Audible, but it's free. It's called Atta Boy. And then my podcast, Chubby Behemoth, listen to that. We're pretty much the western expansion of the Philadelphia podcast empire.

We love that. Yeah, because of all my appearances on Yall's Pods and stuff like we get a lot of. So yeah, if you like this kind of stuff, Chubby Behemoth. Love it. Fantastic. We love you, buddy. Thanks.

I got a towel off. Guys, we just announced more dates. We're all over the fuck world. We got Philly, Boston, Providence, fucking Nashville, Kansas, everywhere. Link is in the description. Check it the fuck out. Number one is rent back New Jersey on August 11th.

Do yourselves a fuck. That's about to be sold out at those fucking tickets. Get tickets now, because it's about to sell out. Yeah. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.