Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

Are You Garbage teams up with stand up comedian Francis Ellis to help save society! You Know Francis Ellis from stand up comedy, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast w/ Shane Gillis, Tires, Surviving Barstool, Bussin' with the Boys, Fore Play Golf, Stuff Island, Francis & Dana Talk, Son of a Boy Dad and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Tour Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Sheath: https://Sheath.com Promo Code: Garbage Rocket Money: https://RocketMoney.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, if you haven't gotten your tickets for the Back on the Block Tour, do yourself a favor and grab them now, because they're going fast. Yeah, we've already added a second show in Pontiac, Michigan. We got a low ticket alert in Indy, Madison, Minneapolis, Pittsburgh, Cleveland. Get them tickets now, we'll see you out there. RUgarbage.com Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece ofU. Garbage. Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it at the group to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Classy. I'm your host, Dave Chole, coming at y'all on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition.

She finally got the Christmas tree down. OK. Went straight to the St. Patrick's Day decorations. OK. In the beginning of February. Sure. Getting after her pretty quick. Uh-huh.

All right, fair enough. Mike Hose is coming at you from right next to me. Unfortunately He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan. Hey, what's up gang? Shout out to you? Thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate if you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube and full video Available on Spotify now the boys got caught up to the big leagues by Spotify full video available Check that out then obviously the greatest website of all time WWW.patreon.com slash RG garbage your bonus content needs over there and the boys are on a road get your tickets to a live show

Gang come see us gang good times and we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean Incredibly special guest back with us again today first time in the new edition Yeah, he's an old pal of ours. One of the stars over there in that Barstool universe over there and you can hear him every week on his amazing podcast. Son of a boy dad. Give it up for Francis Ellis. Everybody.

Prim proper clean sharp sharp shirt. What's that a flarity? I thought what do you what do you want? Is it this is barber barber they make coats more know yeah known for their classy yeah I have I yeah well you get something like that lower inside hold on a second barbers what like a real you I had I got a barber coat at a store I didn't belong in I was with my wife trying to impress her just seers and he looks like are you wearing a barber jacket I'm like

yeah you know that he's like It's like what rich dads wear and then I got paint on it real quick We're apple picking in New Jersey. Yeah We're at smoking C's in the Lower East good good. It's waterproof. I don't know might fend off the the smoke It there's a menswear store the next time you guys are doing shows in Denver That is the single best menswear store. I ever been to that's it's gonna fit me in there I got a pair of socks or something. They they'll sort you out. They got it got tarps or something. I got there It's not like super, you know prim and proper super dressy place

It's not someplace just cool gear the haberdashery or some bullshit. I'm a haberdasher man myself you know they don't have a Stepping stool for you to step up so some guy can measure your inseam. There's a motorcycle in the store Okay, there's a dog in the store They have a whole rack of whiskey that you can choose from and drink well Yeah, but that's all classy shit now the cool motorcycles the fucking I know big heads. I'll give you a whiskey I know but it's worth it. Give you whiskey when you're shopping. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you don't even have to buy anything My kind of joint yeah, I go in there. I'm a rich industrialist in town

Pre-game going shopping on behalf of my Master your closet I would assume is pretty game going shopping on behalf of my master. Your closet, I would assume is pretty sharp. Everything neat, clean, organized, done by color done by what? Item item, you know, I keep all my sweaters together. How many sweaters is a guy like you got for? It's pretty good. Sweaters sweaters. Sweater. I got abouters do you have? I have four sweaters. Are we talking sweatshirts or sweaters? I got about four sweatshirts.

I don't own any sweaters. No, not one. No, not one. I mean, that's good. Historically, I was not a sweater guy. I didn't like them. Am I a doctor? Because, well, they're just, you get too hot with a sweater on.

Sure. It's very hard to take a sweater off. But something like that, will you wash that or does that get dry cleaned? I'll follow whatever the tag says and if it says that I can gentle wash with light colors. That's a guy who's read a tag right there. I'm following it to the T-brother. And if it says dry clean, I'll send it to the dry cleaner. But I don't dry clean much stuff. I love doing laundry. Now let's say. It's my favorite thing in the world. Yeah, I love it. Alright, let's say you wear that, right? You're coming in slow day. You gotta come here. You

gotta go home. You got spots. You're gonna wear that for spots tonight. Yeah, sure. Does that's a little bit of more of a outer wearish. Does that get washed or does that get hung back up for for future use? This will I'll I'll I'll wear it a few times before you wash it. Yeah, I'm a smell test guy. That would be the cleanest thing that I own that it looks brand new. That's cuz you don't fit in it. That's the only reason it would be clean. There'd be no mustard stains Do you ever get stains on your clothes? Yes, I do

Drives me nuts. You're a human boy. Just like us. I hate it I hate it, but you know when you actually effectively treat a stain then you feel You feel good. I have all kinds of stained treatments in my apartment. Other than tied stain stick. Yeah, there's oxy clean is really effective. Sure. But again, there's there's there's different different sort of prescriptions for different types of fabric. I actually have one for you because I get I get a lot of stains on my shirt.

Dude, I went to him that if we went to the Eagles game, whatever two weeks ago, he went to the game with like we left the hotel that we stayed at he had blood and coffee on his shirt And he's like all right. I'm ready to go. I think this is query. I had a skin tag start leaking How many those you got? Yeah, any skintags no, I don't I'm not an elaborate or retriever There's a Wait hold on. I want to give you my stain thing my dad My dad got a lot of stains on his shirt, too

God rest his soul so my mom became an expert at getting them out so she takes dawn yeah, apple cider vinegar and a little bit of water and Some alcohol and she sprays it. Wow, she mixes all those together. Mixes all those together in a spray bottle. And then you put it out in the sun for a couple hours. Wow.

And then wash it. She's Native American? That sounds like a crazy. That's, uh. Take it down to the creek and hit a rock. OK. So if you're looking for another one. That's a good one.

I mean, I don't know. That's be above my pay Your own potions no not quite You're not half witch. I you know, you don't say no. Okay that makes sense. Yeah But I I do I do like it. It's tough. It's tough Definitely seeing a stain on a favorite piece of clothing and you have a washer and dryer in the unit I do in your spot. Mm-hmm. I could at this point. I hate to say it I probably couldn't live in an apartment without one. I do so much laundry, huh? Yeah, keep everything clean

Yeah, you do it every week or do you have a scheduled day? I mean, I probably do it Twice a week really? Yeah, cuz I work out a lot So I always have a big outfit of sweaty clothes. Uh-huh. And I don't like to let those marinate for more than a couple days. It's more of level of dirty clothes versus level of clean clothes. Like, I only do laundry when I'm like... When all the clothes are gone. I got two t-shirts, maybe all pair of socks and underwear left. Then I'll do laundry. I think... Do you always have clean underwear?

When I'm traveling on a long trip, I usually run out. But, yo, what do you do then? When I'm traveling, I I just did a two week trip where I went to a lot of different places. And halfway through that trip, I was staying in an Airbnb with my buddies and like a psychopath. I did a load of laundry. That's not the second we get there Dude, we've we've landed day of travel like left New York land in there being beanies like I'm gonna throw it a little I'm gonna throw a load of all bring all dirty stuff and then wash it when I'm there

That's unusual That's new I'm not familiar That's new. I'm not familiar with starting a trip with all dirty clothes. I like doing laundry, not that much. Knowing that somewhere you're going, they'll solve it for you. That's a crazy way to live. Yeah, but I do, I mean resetting with clean clothes in the middle of a two-week road swing is as good as it gets. You're not coming back with all clean clothes. I need to live out of the bag for the next couple of weeks.

It's amazing. Yeah. When you get home, do you unpack the bag into your dresser? Or do you like how do you do that? Oh, I I will unpack Into the laundry or the dresser but someone the second you get back Yo, I cannot go to bed the night. I get home without unpacking and putting my you do need to live together crazy I couldn't do it. That's the best part just rolling the bag into the corner and ordering some Chinese or something I mean, dude, I got home from that trip. I flew from California I got in it to JFK at like 1230 didn't get home till like 115

No, I was like surely I will just go to bed when I Was sitting there out there with the oxy what something inside of you tells you you can't do that I want when I get home after traveling I want to get back to my life as quickly as possible and reset my routine huh so that the first step of that is unpacking a dirty guy's discipline crazy did you put your bag away and wherever that goes yeah I love that. By the way, I also have a small apartment. You may not believe that, but I have a pretty small apartment. I downsized when I got divorced.

Okay. So if I have clutter, it just makes everything smaller and I get claustrophobic. Did you get any of the furniture from the, did you take anything out of the old apartment that you wanted? Uh, you know, we were pretty generous with each other. Gotcha. So, you know, there were a few things I took. But you get a new couch or a new bed. I took an old couch that we had in storage

that we weren't using. Dan's couches and that couch has has some stains on it. Yeah, that's that bothers him on a molecular level. Yes, it does. And to the degree that it has a performance fabric, which would be very easy to clean. What does that mean? It's just one of those fabrics that like you don't. It's got high weight. So they meant to be cleaned easily. Oh, it's a big and

toaster. We have say we have shirts like that. Like the fabric is for stains. Lazy boy shirts like that. Yeah. Is that what you mean? Yeah, lazy boy. Shirts like that. Yeah. Is that what you mean? Yeah, I guess, I guess stain resistant. Imagine a couch made of those dockers pants that used to pour. They'd show you great pouring water all over

them. But you never owned those, did you? I've never heard dockers. I like you might have worn dockers in the very beginning. Yeah. Yeah. Like back in the day. I had some dockers Yeah, but but um, I was gonna say that this couch ultimately I need to take it and have all the slip covers dry cleaned That's the way to do a total reset of your couch, but to do they take a long time

So you take that you take the cover you take the unzip Pillows out all those get dry clean get them all dry clean But a dry cleaner for whatever reason they send that to some different part of the world sure the couch covers that's going that's going far that's going to a specialty spot yeah you need to have a couple weeks of your life where you don't need couch cushions a dressed couch you can still dressed cow lie on the couch cushions but the feather stems are gonna be poking through I hate that and you wouldn't do but we would do I'll play it

I do it all the time not happy about it. You lay a blanket down or a sheet or something You could do you could do I do it all the time and sometimes if the if the birds away I don't like for you to live it if the birds away, and I have to do the sheets him off because it's what he prefers. She comes home. He puts him back. Well, if I have to do the sheets, I'll do the sheets and that that'll be like a day or two process to do sheets because usually I'll put them in the washing machine. Forget about forget about them. And then I'll get a real laugh. They'll be all smelly. Yes. And then I'll do them again and then dry it again. And she's got these fucking dryer balls that go everywhere that drives me crazy

The lambs the LAN a little sucks that or you what are you do you do dryer sheets fabric softener? I don't use dryer sheets you do fabric softener. I don't even think I'd know how that work You do fabric softener in the washer. Yes, and then no need for dryer sheets Well, I don't know if it's a substitute for dryer sheets. I just, I've never really done much investigating of dryer sheets. I don't really know what that is. It's not good.

Occasionally when I'll pull out my clothes, especially, I don't know, for whatever reason, sometimes you find those little pieces of you know, white Cloth in between you're like what happened here. I had a sock in my jeans the other day. It's embarrassing Yeah, I just had to throw it out. I was like right there was stuck in between my calf and threw it out I had that happen to me in high school I got there like my mom's sock was like I found it like in my Under my gooch and had to fucking throw that out in the bedroom trading bra

Fill out your jacket. That's my sister's I swear Let's get into the notable Alumni, yes, if you don't know mr. Ellis is a graduate of Harvard University There's no way you are a notable alum on Wikipedia also is it Wikipedia or Wikipedia? Wikipedia Wikipedia, that's what I would say. It doesn't mean that I'm right or probably though. Well, that's just how I've heard it I'll tell you I've never donated money to them. Yeah, fuck that always asking you Show some skin or should donate money to Wikipedia

It's just such a useful resource that I use so often without even realizing it and What a noble reason they don't make no cash on their own. I don't think there's no advertising. It's clean That's what they gotta start doing Only fans written money over there. This is the strongest Wikipedia I've ever seen they do pictures on their notable alumni Francis Ellis is not one of them. We got Mark Zuckerberg Bill Gates John Adams that makes John at Jeremy Lin wait John Adams the Director the president. Yeah

Adams I think John Quincy his son went there Now you know what dorms they stayed Roosevelt went there Teddy or Franklin Teddy went there. Now, you know what dorms they stayed. Roosevelt went there. Teddy or Franklin. Teddy went there. I think did Franklin go there as well. You might have. Don't want to get the graduate schools. It's like if you think they wash his bed down, I don't want to be fucking rolling out of here.

All right. That's uncool. No, I meant first high school. He's got to be a high school. Did you go to Yarmouth High School? Yarmouth Yarmouth just so you know on the Harvard lacrosse website 6 3 2 15 is a senior Oh, yeah, what are you sitting at now to 10 to 10 you lost fine? 15 years ago or what year did you get 10 years ago? You graduated like closer to 15

I was 2011 only fluctuated five dude I'll do that today. I'll do five pounds today. All right real quick senior year seven goals 14 games No, that was that was over the course of my career your whole career Yeah, because I scored I think I scored seven my freshman year Yeah, that's a seven goals and quit my sophomore and junior year And then the coach got changed Senior year and he asked me to come back because he had been under the original group that had recruited me gotcha And so I came back but by that point I didn't I wasn't very

I wasn't two years off. I yeah lost two years of Division one lacrosse. So senior year one assist one goal Yeah, probably a couple of coeds in there, too No, I think I go. Yes Why do we call them coeds by the way? What a weird? Only girls. I've never seen a bunch of dudes really look at those co-ed. I bet With the fact that colleges for so long were all male that when you added when you spoke And you're like now it's co-ed the new co-eds That's John Adams and fucking Herbie Hancock talking. What's his name? Henry Hancock? John Hancock

Either way all-american high school lacrosse player All-american high school lacrosse players senior year three time all-state pretty good. Not a notable one. God damn it Dude, does Yarmouth High School have notable- They got a week list. It's on Wikipedia. They have a long list? No, they have a week list. Yeah, I would think so. Has he not on there?

Has he not on there? God damn it, American internet personnel. Got a middle distance runner, a president of Nichols College, and then a girl who died in a DUI. Jesus. Yeah. That's fucked up.

I don't need to be on that list. Pass. We'll save our save our chips for Harvard. I'm still not home. Yeah, let's make that's a big pledge to get you on Harvard. I'm still not on mine, which is bullshit. Why would you be? I don't know. There's other comedians off. They got good stuff. Cabbage talk about she's let's go she OG she's OG she that's right pinhead best underwear in the absolute biz gang

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I thought the dinner is my family my wife my brother-in-law my nephew and we got hummus and you know pita for like an appetizer Okay, and I know where this is going On your shirt going on your shirt and then so we're waiting for the entrees to come you know what I mean right I got I got a couple of beers in me and it's a but it's a long time we're in Europe so it's a little stretched out over there they're not you know they're not burning and turning tables you're in you're in it I'm a little hungry I'm a little peckish so I take his fork there's no pita left

and I dip right into the hummus Yeah, take a bite of that and I got looked at like I was an animal by your people at your table or by the rest People at the table, which to me I mean in a fish tank stop I Realized it's not classy. But is that because I got a lot of flack for it by the listeners who are dirtbags themselves But we're like that was nuts I gave him shit for it, but for a different reason just cuz hummus by itself is kind of weird and gross

Yeah, that's a that's a tough mouthful. It's so grainy and that's why I'm in the business That's got good mouth feel I can't remember the last time I was so upset with how long a restaurant was taking mainline hummus I can't recall what would you say if you saw that would you be like that's on take it do you let them take things that aren't completely finished even though that's the end of the course we had run out of vessels with which to eat the hummus there Well, it was that we were out of some might have said either. I probably would have said hey, may we have a few more pieces

of Peter Carrots my friend over here you do sub vegetables anything colorful. Let's not do more PETA. Mm-hmm. Look at what? Yeah, I prefer to have colorful. Let's not do more PETA. Look at this. Yeah. I prefer to have fresh vegetables with hummus. I like cucumbers. Not bad. Cucumber. You bet your arch. Yeah. You know what sucks is a cherry tomato. Those things don't grab anything. They don't. It's sheer. They're very sheer. Very sheer. I don't even know why they're like, dude, you get that in the ranch dip in the middle of the year from the grocery store You're going at least half a fingernail in there. Yeah, just got no grip on them You know what I mean, there's no structural integrity

No, what so ever and then when you bite that thing it fucking blows up in your mouth keep your clothes. Yeah All right, okay I mean I knew I was wrong, but I was sure I was shocked at how wrong I want I take on this would be If you know the group of people that you're with so intimately that you they know you they know this is Better a fucking no, it's fine if I were with a group I want to know that well. I'm not I'm not going in to the dip with a fork It's not just it's more of a spread okay sure it's not a dip, but it's again spread dip whatever it is Why that it's going on there's another verb that isn't a fork

Yeah, are you are you a last of the appetizer guy like if there's still? I don't know a fucking clams casino sitting there You got you will you pull the trigger? I? But I am so Aggressive Unfortunately because I think you could go either way in this look here's what it is I have a gigantic appetite and I always have to 15's 215. And everybody knows this about me. Fatass.

I was. 210. I'm down to 210 now. Who goes down? It's been a journey. I'm the only offensive lineman in the NFL. I've lost.2 pounds a year. That's crazy, dude.

That's, I mean. For 13 years. Are you at your ideal weight? I'm fine. I don't care. Are you? A couple more weeks on me there. Trying to get to 818. That's my area code. Are you at your ideal weight? Is this fine? Yeah care are you? Trying to get the 818 it's my area

Gotta get the tattoo to make sense. I was always Shocked I was always shocked that was never that clearly not us But I was just never that I was I was always shocked when people would be like, what are you away? And they were all like two twelve to fifteen. I'm like, you can that you're like, that's how small your window. I mean, they're also I didn't step on a scale for a long time. But if you were to ask me, I've been like 240 to 90. Like, I really, I really can't call it. You know what I mean?

Morbidly obese or heifer. That's what the cardiologist. But go ahead. I'm sorry. So sorry so you have a big okay I like it when you guys do that stuff I always forget how folks see this we come in and this like bing bang boom pinball intro and I always love that it just it's it's charmer old-school, what is your caloric intake a day? What are you about? 2,500? I do. I eat a lot. You'd be surprised. I mean, it's mostly healthy food. See dudes in shape. They can go like sometimes. That's what I mean at the table. You might be like, I don't give a fuck. I'm

going in. What's anybody going to say to me? I'm an, I'm a, you know what I mean? So that's, okay. So that's exactly what I was going gonna say. Um, there's an entitlement, for sure. I, I size up the people around me. There's some dainty females. They're not eating stiff. And you have no self-consciousness. Like if I, if I'm, I have a shot clock, if that thing has been sitting there and we've gone around the table, everybody's had one. They're telling stories, whatever. One or even two left.

And nobody's picked up another one and it's starting to get cold. I'm thinking you guys have silently agreed that it's fine for someone else to take another one. And if I go for it and someone says, hey, we should probably divide that or something. Who would say that? Like someone you're dating would would scold you for that. Okay. That just I've never I've never seen you understand something so quickly in my life. Yeah. Well as someone who knows you intimately might say like, even

those you may not need it. Let's see if someone else might want some. Well I do that. That's what I'm saying. As an in-shape guy, you don't have any hangups about that. His is in shame. His is going, these are going, yours. Mine's all shame based. You're leading with shame. He's going, no one's going to think I'm fat here. Clearly. But wait, why does your shame compel you to to do it not to do it to be not now He does he's fighting to because everyone's gonna think oh or fucking this happened the other night with a piece of soggie Knocky to be honest with me. I don't know what that is. It's it's I thought that was a motorcycle 250cc soggie he had a motorcycle a couple Suzuki's over here

Sagan I he had a motorcycle a couple Suzuki's over here It's uh, it's fried cheese. It's a Greek dish. It's fried kefal Ateri or halloumi cheese Oh, there's a little bit of light burning delicious little bit of tomato sauce and a little bit of lemon fantastic but there was one piece left and nobody was fucking with it and when I made the move I could feel the Yeah, oh we of course so there it is a shame based thing we had an incident in did you grab the halloumi the last piece and did anyone react did anyone react it got quiet both have now qualified yourselves by saying I picked up the check yeah that's fuck you I'm paying for that you can't judge me I mean you know mouthful I got a mouthful of hummus that's cool a lot of'm paying for that. You can't judge me. I mean a mouthful. I got a mouthful of hummus

That's cool. I have a lot of shame. I find that combative from both of you. What why they gotta have you back once a month It's as if someone were to say it makes me think that you're ready with that Meaning if someone were to smack your hand as you're going for the last piece of loomy you've been like, oh, yeah I'm fucking paying for it. I wouldn't say that no, I I would. I would think it real hard. Yes, I would. I think you're both approaching what what how you want to eat and dine in your own way defensively. Yeah, I mean, yeah, made fun of it. I don't I want you to enjoy yourselves.

I don't think you should be having that. Can I tell you this in most company that in most circles that that that I'm running with family wise or whatever, I want to be the one to pick up to check because I want to be able to order and eat the way that I want to spot on. Does that make sense? I couldn't agree more. I couldn't. I like to set that tone. I, I absolutely agree with that. But what I've learned because I fucking love this.

I have been out with a group of, you know, my significant other and her friends, just girls. Really? And they, girls are, when it comes to dining, they are Skating skates, scoring chicks. No, you know, whatever. They're communists.

They, it's all, we're sharing everything sharing everything no matter what I love that I used to Think well that they don't know they're gonna completely underestimate the needed amount Because they'll always be like would anyone like to steer the ship Why don't you just order for all of us and it's like you better fucking count three of me? Because you're letting one of them do that look this happened once and never He's not over it. Are you crazy? Here's here's the flip ready? So they'll order what they think is enough and then girl from Murray Hill order for you. What do you have in your mind?

Certainly not Girl from Murray Like you know a girl who's got a place in Murray Hill. Yeah. Oh, we're going back to your two bedroom that's been converted into a four. We're going to have sex behind your built-in wall. I'm living in one of them now.

No thing for a living. Are they hiring? You only got four roommates? Bro, I'm just killing it. OK. What I've learned is that If I worry that they're not ordering enough food the flip is that women tend to be peckish around each other and They they don't eat that much and I can come in you gotcha and scoop up

They don't want to go like I made a whole play a whole plate of calamari or yes You can take advantage of their Dysmorphia or their eating disorders to actually satiate your I always if I'm eating with my wife I know for a fact whatever and we're great with that like we eat very well together Like we like to both try different things and share everything But I know that I'm getting the back the back half of that chicken. Yeah. Yeah, you that I'm getting the back half of that chicken. Yep, yep. Or you know, I'm getting the other half of that burger.

Right, right, right. Exactly. In addition to whatever I got. There really is, I hate to say it, and I'm not trying to be some fucking old fashioned douche, but like the lion's share. These broads got small brains now, getting. The lion's share thing, you know?

There is something of that. Yeah. And there's another part of this that is a phenomenon that I have grown quite fond of, which is that if you get into a car for a long drive or even a short drive with a group of your buddies and let's call it an SUV and there's like five of you. Sport utility. When my friends, if I, if I'm with a group of sort of smaller guys and I and they say frame why don't you sit up front you're tall and I'm like no no that's okay And they're like no no you go and they give me shotgun without even having to call it. I

Appreciate that sure sure that's really nice and It also I don't know it now if they didn't would you just take it well They've done it so often that it now I almost would be shocked And it didn't if they were like no I got it some five foot eight guy just hopped up front And I had to come over choke them out a back seat and hold my knees under my jugular I'm gonna be like who's this fucking twerp you know great use of twerp by the way so twerp hey you'd be vicious as a bully well I got I got bullied I I don't like bullying I hate bullying bad bull who bullied you in

high school yeah middle school middle school redhead big time people made fun of me for having red that's the guy that's tough yeah but it's not it's funny too like in all the Adam Sandler movies a lot of Disney movies the redhead is always the bully Oils were redheads all you do is were that's really who I thought of yeah Wow Yeah, also the kid in training Irish in a bid Incredibles wasn't he the kid with the yeah. Yeah, yeah, he was kind of was he became the bad guy because because Mr. Incredible was was addicted was overlooking. Yeah, that's true. The bully become the bully.

You mean it. Let's say you mean, you know, yeah, somebody sets you up. Hey, my roommate. So and so she's a classier classier lady of New York. You know what I mean? Where what is if you're trying to impress, what does a date of a class because I would just go, let's go grab a class because I would just go Let's go grab a drink and it would be at like I would google like classy place to take a lady

I don't know anything look. I'm at a point in my life again now where I don't need I don't want to do bullshit I don't say stuff like that. I'm at a point I've been I've been married and divorced. And now I've I guess I'm single again. And like looking to mingle what what you know, it's a totally different landscape. I'm not looking to bullshit my way into bed with a 25. Of course, of course, I want to I can't. I'm not going to want to go on a second date with someone if our conversation isn't interesting. So is that first conversation, you hit it off via text or whatever, then is it a coffee, is it a drink, is it a dinner?

Yeah, great. I mean, in my ideal world, we just go for a walk. A walk? Yeah, go walk around the reservoir. A reservoir?? Yeah, go walk for a walk around the reservoir. A reservoir? You know, go walk along the river. It's free. It's Canada Goose. It's free.

No apps, something? If I wouldn't be calling you back, you'd take me on a walk. If that walk is... What am I, a German Shepherd? Builds up an appetizer. Maybe we wander in, oh, let's go get some soup. It's warm me to the bone. Yeah, let's go get some soup. That's warm meat to the bone.

Yeah, let's get some soup. So you're walking around the reservoir, you end up with Jacob's pickles, maybe an appetizer. Yeah, a Sarah Best. Have a six egg omelet. Whatever. It's getting crazy. It happens. These things happen. They put six eggs in each omelet. Really? Yeah. I like that. That's a lot of eggs.

That's pretty good. I don't know who this was. It was a different story, but I heard maybe it was his Baltazar restaurant Yeah, that's in Soho that they do an egg yolk omelet. Just a yo. That's interesting. That's what I'm talking Well, that's where James Corden famously barked at the waiter for not bringing his wife's food out Oh, maybe that's what it was. Maybe he ordered and that might actually be the story. That's what I took away from that story. Holy shit. You're doing all yolks? Yeah.

Let's go. Okay, I mean, that's a classy, I would never think I would never, I would go, there's, you know, McGillin's Irish pub or whatever. To me having an all yolk omelet is like asking for a steak and having them cut all the lean out of it and leave Start doing that just grizzle. Yeah

Cuz I have hereditarily I have high cholesterol So I actually try to avoid egg yolks if I can and I'm now I'm on a resuva statin So I you know, we're Suva's that so am I you're a statin. Yeah, I'm on I take resuva status Suva stat almost out by the way. Ah, I take that in the metropa fall Something like that. I don't know that what killed Michael Jackson Jesus Christ big man, you're a walking time bomb metropa falls where Superman This guy's doing the doc prescribed really you're on a statin yeah genetic crazy Yeah, I mean there's I have a she just makes you feel better. You lipid probe. Yes. I know him

He's going for Francis is honest a couple of them six dozen omelets. He's gonna He's gonna throw this in my face in like a week when I tried to what I tell doesn't Like a week when I tried to what I tell doesn't all 72 that's good math to 36 just a chicken genocide on my plate Would you ever do a chicken omelet? Yeah, I don't have any issue with that real crossing protein get out of here Too much chicken, I like chicken. That's too much. How long you been on a rostatin? Couple years now no kidding. Yeah, huh my my

Ladies if you need it if you need extras, I have some extras if you're running out not I just gotta just gotta re up They keep me I got a scholarship over there punch card Nine refills and the tenth one has no copay. They know it's chronic. It's pretty good insurance Is there any circumstance or where you would wear underwear under a bathing suit no no you know Are you saying that even like what cuz in in when you go to a store if you're trying on a bathing suit There's always a sign that says you need to ride on with underwear I guess I would do that, but I wouldn't I don't try all bathing suits I just assume it's gonna you don't buy underwear with the with the with the mesh do you know no you're see where the board shorts

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Yeah, bad. I'm sorry that that doesn't sound comfortable. It hurts turns into a hammock Why don't you just buy bathing suits that don't have the mesh I Thought that was just board shorts and those things don't have elastic waistbands I think you can there's a lot of bathing suit companies out there. You could do it You could find something that suited all your needs because I brought it. I brought it. I bought a nice bathing suit from uh, With the whale one boneyard. No vineyard vines. Yes Boneyard It was a boneyard when you got done with it. I got a nice well that well wasn't happy I got a nice one of there for for when I was over in Hawaii for the wedding and I

was trying to fucking rip the mesh out with Teeth is a can opener cuz that's all he was in the chair and I ended up in the bathing suit even worse Yeah, so I had to wear the same bathing suit the whole I'm saying there are companies that make bathing suits You won't have to amputate in order to feel comfortable wearing their their bathing. Okay, their trunks. Yeah I've been died He doesn't do anything just complains about the clothes to be nice to Francis took me shopping. Yeah, we could do that I like that. I took a Be nice to Francis took me shopping. Yeah, we could do that. I like that I thought we were one of my chop liver all of a sudden you do got me one shirt

I got your nicest shirt you own Brooks brothers that you then wore every day till you were all in my shacket We got to go to this place in Denver. I'm telling you you guys have any shows coming up there Right now, but we're due to be back there soon. We are due to be back go go to this place I'll get you the name and they're not gonna have anything that fits dude. They absolutely will It's like work wear stuff. I buddy. I'm you know, it's it's American made for our heart shit cool Everybody's wearing car hard now It's great. I Gotta find my brain. What do you mean? Everyone's wearing car hard now

I'm giving you good brands and answers and now all of a sudden you're saying well that's that's that's yesterday's clothing brand I need the new and the new cutting edge I can't be seen wearing the same thing everyone else is wearing as you're currently wearing a pink hue style Dilbert shirt this is okay that looks lilac to me oh we call that lilac That looks lilac to me. Oh. I'm gonna call that lilac. Bordering on lavender. I call it raspberry yogurt.

I call it, you washed it with a red sock, I think. If I had to guess. Do you stick to that very strictly? Do you only wash colors and whites together? I do, I do abide. But like, if I'll do if I have some white socks or t shirts that I need to be done quickly because I'm running low on that. Sure. I'll throw those in with

the color the batch in the and just do it all on cold. Hmm. Pretty good. Everything's on put together this guy. Yes. Sharp game. Wait a second. There needs to be said like when I was No, wait a second there needs to be said like when I was married, you know, we had a division of chores sure and That I had to sort of like she would do the laundry I would do the dishes and cook whatever, you know Let's call it. So when I went to live alone, there were definitely like stain removal was a skill I had to learn. Sure. Because she was our resident stain remover.

He took a six month class at Columbia for it. Did it at night. Part of learning to live alone and be on your own and be okay with that and stave off loneliness is becoming self-sufficient. So the skills of, I do laundry almost obsessively to ignore the fact that no one else is there to do it for me anymore. That's dark. That's, you know, not to be sad.

Try watching a little TV. Yeah, I do, I do while I'm doing laundry. Try pickleball. Yeah. Do you do pickleball? I have I like pickleball or are you the classier paddle kind of guy good for you for saying it correctly because a lot of People would say padelle. I'm not a fucking asshole. I know Andrew Schultz Yeah, yeah, but the problem with calling it paddle is that there's also paddle tennis also known as platform tennis

And those two run in similar circles because those are both very wealthy, like high end country club enclave. Are you talking about paddle ball like on the beach? No. Paddle tennis is platform tennis, which is played in a wire fenced in court with a very rough court. It's a winter sport. The court's always heated, but it's outdoors. And then there's Padel, paddle,

as you correctly said, Kevin, where paddle is on turf and has glass walls with a little bit of wire. Okay. Now, pretty similar. I'm out either way. I always thought squash was the fanciest one, and I only knew one rich kid that played squash you could argue it is okay

I mean in the in the pantheon of elitist racket sports that's a deep that is a I would say platform tennis is the most elite. Paddle is probably second. Squash would be third. That's racquetball. No, squash and racquetball are slightly different. Racquetball is a much bouncier ball. Okay. Squash the ball is very flat and doesn't bounce very high.

Huh. I play racquetball once or twice in my own life. Racquetball's fun. Yeah, if you're a heathen. Yep. Okay. So my own bag balls fun After a heathen. Yeah Okay, all right pickleball is I would say the most universal that's like my your aunt, you know Yeah, someone can set up a Fisher price net on a court in Washington Square Park, you know play with bang away. What'd you think about that guy kicking that dude in the face in that pickleball tournament?

A few months ago. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, that was Grotesque, but would your move have been if he tournament a few months ago. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, that was a grotesque What would your move have been if he had done that to me? Yeah, you're going down shoving the business end of the pickleball racket up His ass What are you doing? You're fight you're fighting me now sure, you know what? I mean? That's not what a paddle man wouldn't do that. Sure. No, no, for sure not. You're a man of principle, right? You're, you block the shoulders, people can't pass by, the parking.

You're a very man of principle for society. I like the unwritten rules. I like the unwritten rules. And I like people who abide by them. I think that society breaks down when people take liberties and say that well All these people are obeying by what we by the social contract Yeah, but therefore I'm going to take advantage of their agreement. Yeah sheep who are just following along now

What we were doing? Let's say you're at the grocery store sure which. Which where you shopping nowadays, by the way? Whole Foods. Whole Foods. Religiously. Yeah, I just said that's where I trust the quality of produce to end fish to be. What kind of fish are you getting?

I'll go cod. You know salmon. You like the cod? I like the cod. I do a Mediterranean preparation with dill, blistered Tomatoes and some garlic and it's yeah nice spice rub Slip it out of my seat. That's pretty easy Couple of tomatoes you can blister

Nothing on that rude. Yeah, we do have an air fryer. You gotta go air fryer air fryer is a revolution We actually do when we do salmon will do it have an air fryer. You gotta go air fryer. Air fryer is a revolution. We actually do when we do salmon, we'll do it in the air fryer. That's so good. And it kills it. So good. You do a nice salmon with a nice rub and then a little hot honey drizzle on top. Woo! Watch out. How often you cleaning that air fryer? I put it in the dishwasher. After each use? My tray is, yeah. Yeah, especially fish. Oh man You do not want to eat out of my air fryer

Do you do all the dishes if you're making dinner at home? I can't go to bed. I cannot go to bed without the kitchen being spotless really yeah again. These are fucking manifestations of Probably loneliness Yeah If it works, it's working. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it say you're at Whole Foods You're picking up, you know a filet sats of salmon, you know really quick thing. You want to talk about they have Whole Foods now has this EU

European organic organic salmon its farm raised but it's organic and it's cheaper. So what's the feed? I don't know what they're eating. Does it have the color of wild caught? It looks nice. It looks nice. You know, you can't get the wild caught king, which is the creme de la creme. It's the paddle. Sure. You can't get that fresh for most of the winter.

That really has a small season. Right. And they say it's not sustainably fished, you know? So I don't know what but but it's like also 34 bucks a pound Expensive it's insane. It's a special treat fish. It's a trophy fish An STF I only buy it if I've won a trophy Which I've been killing it recently. Yeah, but This step there's a couple steps down, you know You could go sockeye or coho with sockeye very lean very lean hard to cook because they're so lean

Hmm, they just get very dry very quickly, but then there's you know, you're nice farm raised whatever Atlantic salmon That's fine. That's fine. Is it I thought that was real bad for you. Who knows man? Who knows the seed they put in I tell you I know so much laundry here if your vice Was that every night you were eating farm-raised salmon? You could probably stop getting those Ro super statin refills pretty soon Tell you what I just can't get enough with I know it's killing me I'm a grass-fed kind of I know the problem is the farm raised Atlantic salmon

I eat every night. He does that. Doc, it's all climate change. He had a matcha tea today. I'm like, we're gonna hear about this for the next three weeks. I had a matcha tea. Matcha tea's nice.

You gotta get off that cold matcha tea. Because the caffeine hits me too hard. And then I have like a little crash from it. And then my sugar goes a little low and I got to have a little something sweet to bring it up a lot of people are switching to matcha I've never heard anyone call it matcha tea though really is that because the thing like chai is chai It's uh, it's just redundant. I think I think everyone knows that matcha is a redundant kind of guy to yeah cheeseburger cheeseburger It'd be like saying yeah I had an espresso

coffee today a cup of espresso coffee espresso by the way so falls under the family of coffee yeah sure but but my point espresso the other night Zambuca with it nice. Not an asshole. That's a nice little There is the there is the organic EU salmon which which is a nice middle ground it's like 20 bucks a pound So what's your fruit? What do you like to pull in fruit? What's your order look like? Well, what's my basket at Whole Foods look like is that we got a bit you bring your own bag No, the handbag or the hand that basket you bring a bag with you. I try to remember to they stage You know they don't look at you well if you don't sure you can buy him there I don't do that. I have too many. What do you put in your pockets? I have if I don't bring bags I then I do you have the bags. Okay, okay, and they don't like you to do that. Yeah, fuck them

They look at you judge mentally. Oh, you mean the balls the people who work for Amazon. They judge you what are we doing here? Yeah, what are we doing? Come on? My farm raised I'm bringing my own plastic bags by the goddamn brown bag that you sell I'm surprised you're a cod man So back to your basket. What's your basket? Uh, okay. We starting in the produce section I'm getting and what are you getting for a couple of days the week? Depends on how long I'm in town for I always think ahead. I don't like throwing out food Okay, I feel

Stupid if I have to toss food outside with you. I don't eat it all before I leave I got a couple of avocados that love to be your house right now Yeah, you know you can put those in the fridge and they really last, if you catch them before they've go, they're past their prime. They're fine in the fridge. Will you eat it with a little black stuff in there? Yeah. Cut it out or eat the black?

I don't, it depends on how dark it is. I can't, it tastes like pennies. Yeah. I'll lose it. Sometimes they're too stringy too. It's like what the hell is it? Is it shoelaces in here, dude. Shit's whack I'm with you. Let's go quick. Yeah, I'm I'll open one and just chuck it I go. I'm not having avocado

I get it. I get it. I don't have a problem with that Produce we're doing bananas organic bananas a bunch and I count them out cuz I eat one a day with my breakfast I'm going Broccoli like a big head of broccoli. Okay. I'm doing sweet potatoes. That's a huge staple because you can just microwave sweet potatoes and they come out perfectly. I go might do some carrots because I like to roast carrots. Gentlemen, I do to try color to straight. I try colors are nice. I like that that try colored carrots. It's good. I'll do Brussels a lot love Brussels sprouts and

And then I move from there on to fish, you know, I'll get a couple heavy fish diet Yeah a lot of fish and Then if I'm if I'm you know treating myself over the weekend and I know I'm gonna be cooking over the weekend I'll do a steak. I'll do a nice steak Kind of cut you doing. Probably either a New York strip or I don't know maybe a tomahawk if I'm like Jesus if I'm really bawling out you know a golden crusty. You'll make yourself a dinner like that and sit at the table and eat it that's it. That's lonely

Luckily I have laundry going Sound of the dryer dog ambient service family style on the table. Yes He's playing all the characters my clothes drying out that can't go in the dryer just sitting on the chairs around me Yeah, how's the wine treating you? Francis, how was school today? I figured a man of your cashmere would love the Riesling. Would you like more tri-color carrots, Mr. Scarf? Oh, God. Okay. I'm just honoring ghosts.

Yeah. All right, let's say you got your basket. You're all set for the couple, two, three days, whatever it is. You got your tomahawk. You got your whole... let's, I don't know what it is at Whole Foods, but the Markoff for the Express Lane, if they, they have to do Express Lane, like 12 items or less or 15 or less. Right? Yeah. I mean, it's where I, the one I go to, it's either a self checkout or you know, someone who's probably counting grapes at the foot. Well, that's what I'm saying. Say you know, someone who's gonna help you. He's probably counting grapes at the fucking-

Well, that's what I'm saying. Say you're, will you get into, if you are in that position, you know, 12 items or less, and say you got 15 items. This is a great question. What is the cutoff point for you? Obviously, it's a gentleman's handshake. Hey, we're agreeing. You got 14, you can hop in, no problems.

But is there, and would you ever say anything to anybody? If someone's in front of you with a Full card on blocking traffic on the Gw Great question that's such a great illustration of the unwritten rules and one that Unfortunately, no, I would not police that okay. I wouldn't not your fight. I Someone is to face us has to get down here someone has 20 items in their cart Right and they go to the 12 items or fewer line

Those eight extra items how much time is that taking up? That I would have do you know what I mean half a minute you're talking 30 seconds Every car that goes by on the shoulder while I'm sitting in traffic that then merges in ahead is adding probably a minute or two to my life. Sure. And you can only take so many minutes of your commute home getting longer and longer before you say.

Before you kill somebody. Fuck that. If. Sure. Before you kill for you kill somebody In the 12 or fewer line Had 20 items in their thing and they're standing there and they're adding more items to their basket And it's it's really starting to get up towards 25 30 then I might say something Hey listen, you're not even fucking close

Then I might say something. Hey listen, you're not even fucking close We got a rule here. Do you see the sign? Uh-huh, you know if they're ahead of me I'm behind you. It's not your problem. I'm not really well see but you're a man of honor You have to fight to the little guy people who don't have a foot that mean you'd be turning around scoping the line like a psycho Well, but if I'm not going to do it, who will? Yes, see? He's Batman. Yes. Ask him how he would react to your situation in the line where the guy tried to cut you

off at getting on the plane. Right. I was flying a guy got, for some reason, everybody tried to cut in front of me. I was, we were guys going to, I was going to Germany, flying up front as you do, you know? But guy cut in front of me, right? You were kind of in my head. I also had about four or five beers in me at this point. He was drunk. I was drunk and a guy stepped in front of me and I had already checked one or two people. And now the people around me are vibing that I'm kind of the guy why are you? Being cut are you I because he's a pussy

Are you like an easy around now missing them? What do you mean? Are they just are you? Hey, the lines are all fucking conglomerated. Yeah, right because they're like that's not the right word I get it though. It's a melting pot. What what do you want for me it's a confluence of streams that's exactly what I was gonna say rivers merged to one tributary you what I said to brackish water so no it would all be farm raised but fresh EU certified I'm gonna call you I'm gonna call it if we miss the mark on something I appreciate it So it was all mixed-matching and somebody came in it was like oh, this is group I'm group to it, but they were in the group through the day just I just go hey buddy line starts back there

But then the next guy came At this point I already had I was like also what's this guy gonna fight me at an airport layers You know the one place he's not gonna fight you good-looking guy pretty big nice suit on him German guy probably fucked me up Sharp dude sharp dude he starts merging over like he's standing it out in the line. He's like oh, what's going on? Slowly just you know he's already hot inch by inch kind of I'm like if he breaks if he breaks my line of shoulder you know what I mean like he gets into in front of me I got a so he got in front of me and I fucking boop boop tap them on the shoulder I said excuse me sir what group are you and he goes I'm group one I go oh they are great they

already boarded you can go board then because they had just boarded and he goes ah he's not group one he's group two two. And he's, he lied to me. So he tries to, he's like, ah, no, I'm group one. I go, good for you, man. There you go, you get on. You knew, did you know? I know he's not, there's seven guys that are group one. He also doesn't just think he's a pussy.

He thinks he's stupid. Me? Yeah. And he's, I think you think I'm a pussy. He's playing stupid himself. Yes. And hoping that he'll, he'll get away with it. Yeah, so he goes, oh I'm-

That his bozo won't realize what's going on. I'm just looking for my friend. Oh, I know, I'm just looking for my friend. I'm so happy about this story, I love it. Yeah. It's just delicious. So then he's got a, now he, the power has shifted cause like he was just like, I'm gonna,

this guy, nobody's gonna say, and he's being the dick. Everybody's agreed that this is how you do it, I'm gonna say fuck that, and you know, no one's gonna have the balls to say something. I said something, and now he's like, I'm looking for, and now he's fake looking. And I'm like, that guy's gotta go home. I was like, yeah, maybe he's in the back.

I'm like, yeah, get the fuck outta here. No, he went back. So I go, that guy's gotta to fly the whole time going, man, I just had to, I just fake looked for a guy at a tournament. That makes me so happy that I'm like, he's got to put his head on the pill and go, man, I acted and not well that I was looking for someone. And maybe, maybe it means he will be less likely to do that.

To do it again, he got caught. And that is how the world works more efficiently. That's it, me and Francis are starting a podcast. It's efficiency. I love efficiency. This shit doesn't happen in Japan. It's all about stains and standing up for yourself. It doesn't happen in Japan.

It doesn't happen in Sweden. It doesn't happen in places where people just like, do the shit that they're supposed to. Nobody's cutting the line in Sweden. I get it, no. Oh, that chocolate? Ha ha ha, you can go over there and take over. I don't think so.

Look, I know that we are a country that is built on questioning authority and rebelling. That is in our DNA. Getting ahead at any cost, baby. But we're also a country that complains to no end about things that don't work. And a lot of the reason that things don't work is because people aren't doing it the right fucking way, which is obvious. Sure. A lot of the time it's obvious. We all know how it's supposed to work and people just refuse because they're assholes and that's how things

break down. That guy's an asshole. Yeah. That guy that you and you called him out. There's a way that that's supposed to work. Group one, group two, we know. Everybody knows. So you would have done the same thing. Somebody cuts in front of you, it's on. Yeah I would have definitely spoken to that guy. What the fuck, give him a tombstone. What are you talking about? I'll drive. I love that you handled you handled it with grace. Thank you. Because I might have. Don't tell him that. Thank you. Yeah you didn't like you didn't like. He handled it with hops and barrel wine dickhead. Yeah. You know you you get you let him hang himself. That's what that's what then I never

operate like that you know. We're cut for more of the cloth of you know I fuck my boy you're taking that better than like yeah, I thought I paid for this type thing I was just like you know you know what I'll let you embarrass yourself if you see something Here's this guy's like a titan of industries wearing a suit. I assume he's got a pretty good job I don't know he's lying. He's lying business class He thinks he's better than me, and then he's got to do this like you know what I mean like he's got to go to a shareholders meeting and being the guy that did this cuz some fat bald drunk guys and Sir, I don't think you I don't think this is your group so good good for you

It came out I spit out on my accident. That's why that makes me so happy. What a great story. Thank you Oh, man, you hear that you love it, but we great story. Thank you. Oh man you hear that love it But we gotta wrap it up gang. What a fun one. What a great one. Mr. Ellis. We love you, buddy Yes, sir. I love you guys always always great to have you in a little touch tone You know what I mean? Fine if I know the right and wrong things to do sure yes, very good Stay on my roe statin. Here's cherry flavored cuz my chewing them

I gotta get that shit in me quick What do you got coming up? You want the folks out there? No, I'll be in DC this weekend Okay at the Comedy Loft and then Providence in Providence and then I'll be oh in New Jersey at the stress factory in March. I think it's March 8th Saturday love it. Yeah, so tickets at punchup.live Francis Ellis. Very nice. Let's do my son of a boy dad check him out over there on Barstool one of the funniest one Of the best one of the coolest guys. We love you buddy. Yeah, man one of my favorite What do you got for guys? We're all over the road as well second show at it in Pontiac, Michigan at the crowfoot ballroom

Low ticket alert on all the shows show. Get your ticket in Pontiac, Michigan at the Crow Foot Ballroom. Uh low ticket alert on all the shows. Uh and some of them are during the week so we can't add a second show. So, get your tickets now. Act while supplies. Francis, we love you. Yeah, ma'am. Thanks

guys. Gang, we love you and we'll see you next week. Peace.