Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Scene of the Crime w/ Kippy & Foley!

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG & Friends: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Mando: https://shopmando.com Promo Code: Garbage Adam & Eve: https://www.adamandeve.com/ Promo Code: Garbage PDS Debt: https://pdsdebt.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are you garbage? Oh, yeah, it's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find it to be class

Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash I'm your host H fully coming at y'all on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition I was just getting a rundown from her about the Thanksgiving menu. Okay doing meatloaf this year fair enough We're switching it up a little bit Making her famous Long Island ice teas as an appetizer menu. Okay. Doing meatloaf this year. Fair enough. Switching it up a little bit. Making her famous Long Island Ice Teas as an appetizer. How you doing? My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos and the homies. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and he's

my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan everybody. What up everybody? Shout out to you. Thanks. Chevy Lumen a kid. Oh baby I was fine. Took her out for a Sunday drive. Had my bird in the car put on our Sunday's best and went cruising around. Stopping short on her. Making a move. What's up everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes and Spotify too I'm told I gotta say you go uh That full video available on YouTube and obviously I believe missed I'd be an idiot be an asshole if I didn't mention the greatest

website of all time WWW dot patreon.com slash are you garbage? I got one one same for you gang a lot of money Yeah, get over there and check it out. Thank you Kevin. I appreciate that. Have you noticed I've been doing that lately? What I dear do I throw it to you? Thank you, Kevin. Oh, thanks Yeah, I go into the weather. I got a question for you boys It's just not about money I noticed this last night. I take a little heat for this over at the Foley homestead. How do you organize? Your I can guarantee whatever it is not the way that you do it if I had to guess I don't do it like you You're underwear drawer. I like to keep my good panties on top

Spray a little perfume on him. Sure. Um How do you organize your silverware drawer? Give me from left to right. I was just looking at this morning because I was putting it away. Oh, that's funny. Bring this up. This is a point of contention currently in my fucking household. Small penis? Sure.

I keep that. I keep that with the silverware. My wife, we don't got good stuff Bad stuff really got bad. That's easy peasy you get that shit at Marshall's you get a nice set Oh, we got Ikea European funky looking shape forks. They're not like two forks. They're not deep enough dude Everything mutton everything's kind of sporky. It's not fucking... It's not how an American likes to operate, I tell you that much. I can't believe a guy like you, extra cars, homes...

Listen, we make the same amount of money. Different amount of property. To the dollar. I got nice underwear. Maybe you have a second car. I went broke over it. Yeah, man, we're just... I'm like, I fucking hate it. It feels like I'm back in college. Does it have me ask

you this? Is it the fork that has the like the handle? Like it's it's like a plastic handle? No, no, no, no, no, no. I would respect that. That's at least old time Americana. I'm all right with that. Let me ask you this. When you go into the ice cream with the tablespoon, does it bend? Or does it have enough? Enough, enough, enough weight on it to get in there. It's funny you brought that up. So it's even trashier.

We're running heroin. We're running two sets of two different sets of pencils. You open it up. It looks like it looks like a diner, dude. It's fucking five hundred forks because I went and I was just like, I hate the. I was like, I genuinely hate you and silverware shopping. No, I bought them on fucking Amazon. Craigslist. I pulled I went rogue and bought my own, not my own, but I'm like, we got to start phasing this euro shit.

There's like a bullshit out of here. So we have double of everything. OK, so what I always I double of everything the same line or different to two different sets. Yeah, two different. I got like a decent set house Yeah, it is. That's why I said it's like a fucking diner. It's just like a couple of ladles in there But I go I have a hierarchy in my head of the ones that I use first sure use then I use the new stuff first but fucking My god if I open it up and it's just the Ikea bullshit in there, it fucking stinks.

It sucks. It's horrible. That brings me back when I first moved to New York and I moved in with my boy. It was me. There was a couple of us living in this house. Right. I don't want to tie down anybody. I remember at certain times I would protect the innocent. I hung out over there. You've been there a couple, two, three, smoke some bowls. That's a big bowl.

How a lot of just clapping a bowl dude. I remember smoking bowls when your boy wasn't there and being like, yo He's okay if I take a hit off his bowl off his bowl. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Yeah, he would get back to him He'd say okay uncle. I can take it off the fucking ball. It was it was all burnt. Anyway, yeah I was smoking green. He's smoking Yeah, you gotta work the corners anyway. I felt like I was smoking greenies. He's smoking a couple corners dude. Yeah. You gotta work the corners. Let me get me a paper clip and a fucking grill lighter. You gotta come in there on a hangaway. Yeah you do. I love resin. But dude, that was, that apartment was just constantly clapped bowls because we used to smoke heaters in there too sure so and a lot of times we run out of

ashtrays or whatever and We had a big candle that sometimes would get the dash. You know what I mean never a button there, but in that you You're dead somewhere uh-huh yeah, you're fucked there. You're jammed up That's how they're gonna reinvent life in like a five million years pull the DNA off a can I always think about that. That's funny. You mentioned that what cuz when I put my fingernails behind the couch Or I remember I was somewhere and I think I this is one of the first things he ever asked me He goes you yeah, you went as we were out front of the Raven you went do you ever worry about aliens? I go now not really

We are out front of the Raven you went do you ever worry about aliens ago? No, not really When you're like you never worried that like you flick your finger now somewhere and then like a million years They find it and use the DNA to clone you and then there's another you walking around I'm like buddy lay off the fucking peyote. I'm up and if I got a bomb, that's what I always think about I hope they do that Come back and annoy other galaxies Kind of forks to you guys. Yeah. But that apartment, we had two forks. Two proper for a lot of takeout.

Nobody was we were eating at the deli and stuff like that. But I was so I was so broken. I was getting lean when I when I lost the weight the first time I I was making my own food and I do carnivore kippy. I had to make we had one fork and it'd be like are you done with like hey really you couldn't start cooking till someone wrapped it. I wouldn't have a dishwasher either. I'm mostly spoons anyway these days. Sure. I ate shovels some would say. Yeah I had a we do a lot of ground beef because I'm

trying to stay away from the carbs and all that stuff. I had a couple burger patties. I've been having some cheese steaks. So I'm trying to stay away from the carbs and all that stuff. I had a couple burger patties. I've been having some cheese sticks. So I ate a hamburger with a spoon. Yeah, a couple pickles. I've been there. Bread and butter. Love them.

Yeah, I've been there. I thought you were laying off the carbs. I've been there. But her pickles are all right. I was joking. It's good for the gut to bread and butter. Everything you eat that you always have a secondary Benefit to it. You know what I mean? It's good for the micro bio. They're good for your eyes They look right pickle juice fermented stuff. It's very a lot of kimchi ton of sodium

The doctor recommends deep-fried pickles Not my cup of tea sure But yeah, it's um my that's it's funny bring that up It's a it's a contentious point in the apartment at the moment the forks the knives and I was doing it today get rid of all That shit She she she drags her feet on it. I can't you have the organizer got the organ. I'm reborn No, no, we got the organizer road dog got the organ up, but she don't put anything away, right? Really?

She'll do like we have like the block of steak knives. Don't end up with the regular butter knives. And I'm like, you're going to cut my finger off. I'm in the dark reaching for a fucking reaching for a fork. I'm about to have a little Ben and Jerry's. Trying to get my fluffer. Looking for a tablespoon. I'm going to fuck you.

I take my finger. How am I going to pocket? So what do you do? So you go. Or I had to guess left to right where I think we're spoons forks knives Wow, that's crazy. I thought you're gonna give me shit cuz I get yelled at cuz I go tablespoon Teaspoon you got we only got three three what separators we can't separate the teaspoons from the tablespoon Oh, I got like it's a mess in I got tablespoon

teaspoon Big fork little fork got two different. Yeah, you got smaller forks. Oh you Martha Stewart. What the fuck? What the storks to work? Yeah, it's door through here. No salad forks usually keep me use them for hamburgers Or dessert forks wherever they are sure yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do the big ones. She likes the little ones. You know what Denise has at the house because she's accumulated over a lot of years at this point. What? She's got double. She has like. Oh yeah, Patty's got. Two sets. She also has some, I go down there, she has some stuff from like proper. It's got to be from before I was born. I like like an old plate I know but I'm like you still have this dude there's a mug or no a plate that my sister made in like second grade and it's been through the day like it was like you wrote on marker then they put like lacquer on it that's not hung up that was put in a service that's supposed to get put up in the room now that was Jesus I was Elio's was on that can fit the hold hold up the whole three banger drawing of you It says I love my family it's just like three people fighting man no shit. Yeah, it's but I'm jammed up in that stuff

We're different me and my wife are different people in that sense of like I'm very like Crazy is the word and she's a little more free spirited. Doesn't matter. It's all mix and match. I'm not a mixy matchy kind of guy. I'm surprised. Stay in your lane. Things should be efficient and organized. Now she's a little more European. Like a human doors.

Sterilizing each one. Yeah. Sitting in that blue shit in the barbershop. OK, Lucas, do you have anything on this? Fork, spoon, knife. And then we have... Fork, spoon, knife. We only have one type of spoon? It's like a frat house because like... He's living with kids. Yeah, we've had like so many sets of roommates come in and out. Sure. You're using other people's stuff. From like, yeah, five years ago probably.

Wow. Yeah. That's no good. You gotta get out of there. That's not a... that's no bueno. I just did a out of there. That's not a that's no bueno I said a prime day deal for new a spatula sounds big They're saying don't use those tripping the lights fantastic down there things must be going well 27 year old doing prime days Fuck get some drugs Call me wrong. We call me up. I got a guy But we got a guy starring family episode on our hands gang. As you know, you sign up for the old Patreon over there, www.patreon.com.

Shout out to the about 13,000 of yous that are over there by the way. That's a goddamn army of garbage on there. You get to ask a garbage question on Patreon. We will read it on the air and we got some fucking home runs gang. Hit me. This one's from Richard, what up Richie?

Hey homies, never had one read, is it garbage to hand in your application to McDonald's through the drive through window? Dude, that is fucking crazy. Well I got so many questions. You got a sweet and sour sauce though. Don't screw me on a barbecue either, I want fresh fries. Now, was he just, it make sense if maybe you just loop in and go hey here to drop it off

Or was he you're not getting that job. I like I don't care. Did he do that's the Herd in my life the guy taking the the guy working the window isn't the guy making that is it give this to Ronnie Will you isn't making that give this is it making the the decisions? You know make it? Give it to me. Is it making the decisions? You know what? Sure. So it's like it just ends up in a in the drawer or whatever. Yeah, I assume you probably apply online now. I don't know. I think there's always something to going in with a sharp shirt on,

looking the guy in the eye and filling out the application there and then handed it in. Yeah, we've talked about that. There was nothing worse than my mom making me put on fucking like my dad's khakis and my brother's golf shirt and Going in and go. Are you guys hiring and then they're like look? I got a golf bag on my shoulder I just played nine. I figured I'd pop through on my day off and see if you guys are hiring That's how successful I am I golf yes, I just got fired from my office scrambled

There they're called scrabble. That's part of it. Yeah, that's where you pick the best guy or something like that Yeah, the best ball. Yeah, yeah got multiple types of scrambles you can do always made me hungry How about a Western? Over here dying. Doing the Egg McMuffin this Sunday. Doing the bacon egg and cheese open. The invitational. Goddamn hotcakes classic. What's going on here? Hit me. That'd be the laziest game of golf ever. Everybody eating pancakes and going to walk 18. I would kill myself to man, dude. Pancake. I've told you pancakes are like fucking two Zanny bars to me.

I am fucking closed for business. He hit me with those. You know, they have now I've been seeing on on Instagram. They have these like griddle cakes. They're like pancakes, but they're a little bit different. They make them with buckwheat or something like that, and they do honey over top of them. They look like they're soaking in syrup.

At McDonald's? No, I'm like, I think I'd be here, but he's just too crazy. I'd be applying for a job at McDonald's. Hey, when's that employee discount kick in? Can you front me to 20%? No, like fancy joints Hey, when's that employee discount kick in? Can you front me to 20%? No, like fancy joints now, like fancy brunch place. Like a brunch spot. Like a place you would eat at.

They got these new age pancakes. Get your hands on some of that. I just see you walking around brunch spot. You guys do the new pancakes? Explaining it to them. They look good. Yeah, that's a tough look, man. You're not getting that job.

Man, I don't know. I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, maybe he's a customer to show and he's a brand loyalist. They want that guy working for he's in there getting the fucking number five or whatever. You know what I mean? What do you say at the intercom? Like, I have a job.

Police play shorter. No, no, I just pull around and talk to you? Or you order food, don't have the money to pay for it. This is awkward, but are you guys hiring? Yeah, that's, I mean, you shouldn't be, you're probably park and walk in. I understand. Park and walk in.

Park and walk in, it's 30 seconds. What I would have to imagine happened is he got there he parked he walked in Filled it out in the car and then just fucking zip it around. He just walks up. He's not even in a car Excuse me. We're a second. I actually work here I'm actually the general manager of this Of this location. Yeah, I used to fucking hate filling out fucking resumes, man. That shit. Or applications. Listen, they still do it.

Before... My penmanship is no bling. It looks like I'm writing with my left hand. Dude, I always fucked up. Like, some were different. There's a lot of them are stocky. You put all your contact, your name, whatever, your contact information in that first fucking block. And I always fucked up with like first name, last name, full name, because you think you'd be like, oh, I put my last name first,

but then my last name is a first. Oh, God, fuck it. I got lost in the shuffle couple. Your address where your birthday supposed to be. Likes and dislikes and then turn on, turned on, is scraping through like was brutal. But a whiteout guy. Sorry to interrupt you. Were you a white wait out kid you bang on a white out Now for what I don't know messing up. No, I mean at that point we had computers like, you know That blows my mind in elementary school. There was computers and you were doing your shit on all the computers

Did you ever did you ever turn in a handwritten theme or one of those theme a theme a report? Not a report not like a report of any set like elementary school like write a page on the Bears or whatever Not because guys The grizzly bear or what you know I mean like pick an animal and write Bears are cool. I want to be you up I Was all handwritten my cursive back in the day was I look like fucking Ben Franklin Fact I was syphilis of bad eyes getting electrocuted out there. Hi Flying a kite and a goddamn stupid bad glass

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Do it, yeah. Oh, God. All right, this one's from Jesse. $10 homie, never have one red. Ever leave your car running all night. That's fucking, dude, that's bad. What? How is that possible?

You shouldn't be driving probably if that's the case. Oh But I guess if it's well, here's my thing doesn't it shut off All right, you run out of gas like an old like a car car that runs out of gas overnight that runs out of gas, right? No, I got full tank gas you can idle for six eight hours you think yeah Now I think I get nervous sometimes because this is the first Car the month the loom of the original loom the og loom all three of them actually all the original Oh, do you got a name for this girl yet? I don't I'm taking my time with her. I'm figuring it all out It's fucking sick though. I love it Navy blue. I'd call her. I was nerve. I might paint her

I was a little nervous driving it. You have to change the name then it dude It's so It's white. Ooh midnight. I got in and it was so crazy dude. It took me immediately back To my it's the identity. Everything's identical in there and I went back to being 16 It was so fucking weird through the steering wheel feels that everything's identical It's so fucking crazy, and you have to ask your wife to leave the car so you can really feel like Make a move on as she gets out. All right. I'll see you in school on Monday Turf the lawn

Yeah, I now I have the the push to start. And that I always feel like I'm going to leave that running. I get real nervous that it turns off. I know, but I still because even the key, every car I had up until this one was a key. Even the key, it was not a key. It wasn't a fob. No, it was a key. Wait, hold on. The key is a key. The lumen is a key.

The lumen is a key with the little black chip on it. If you remember those, it's a key wait hold on the key was a key the lumen is a key the lumen is a key with the little Black chip on it if you remember those it's a proper like so was the key it was a key It was that flip key that man stick in It turned over right away on me. I do the automatic start from the from my window in the apartment Yeah, even in a summer look down on all the common folk you're starting your car. I've got only because I Want to be fresh in there when I get in there I don't like that only stale smell fart you left in there that happened the other day man It was in there for like a weekend like like a reservist

Waiting for me lose the security deposit on that one a car can idle for 35 hours. Yeah, what yeah, it's kind of crazy That's crazy yeah I would be I would not be able to figure out what the hell happened if I came out in the morning in a Fucking car someone stealing a car freak out yeah, yeah, you get in it's already on what the fuck transformer Start talking to it. I know you're alive, man. Can you read my thoughts? I just want to fully prepared. Is it garbage if your parents swap spouses with another couple?

Stay with me dot dot dot. Mom and Dad got divorced when I was six. Mom remarried a guy then my dad married that guy's ex-wife. This isn't that from doing the show, doing the live show for the last four years. We've seen a lot of that. Some of the guests that we've had lately. Sure. That's not that crazy anymore.

It's gotta be smaller town. Sure. I doubt that's happening in Philadelphia, Chicago, Boston, New York, Los Angeles. Well, when people are in, like, you know, social groups. That's true. You know? And also, listen, if I got divorced.

Yeah? And my wife married a guy. Uh-huh. I'd want to at least talk to his ex-wife, be like, what these fucking, you know what I mean? So you at least get eyes on her. If you didn't know them? What? If you didn't know them?

I would do a little poking around, at least. Really? Yeah, you wanna, I mean, sure. You wanna know the players of the game. Huh. Yeah, then you gotta swing, if that's the case. Everybody knows everything. My buddy in college, his sister's husband had an affair. Is this right? His sister's husband had an affair. Is this right?

His sister's husband had an affair. No, no, yeah, his sister's husband had an affair. Okay. The wife of that guy, no, the husband, no, no, no. Yeah, her husband slept with some other broad. That lady's husband called his sister. And was like, hey, want to get in on this yeah Yeah, maybe that's that's not do it

Is that what did that? Turn me on a little bit. I mean I'm fucking slipping out of my seat over here I'm saying talk about idling. All right that might clear the Thing a little bit of like all right. you got me, we got you back, let's all move forward amicably. From what I remember, his sister freaked out and was like, don't ever call me again, you scum. You fucking pervert.

Dude, getting called a pervert sucks. Dude, it hurts, even phonetically, pervert is a- I didn't do nothing! Yeah, man, you call your hand in the cookie jar. That's a that's a Catholic guilt pervert you can perv. What do you mean? Your little pervert stay watch Yeah, I know it goddamn Network TV Yeah, and then it would hit you with a pervert ever now my uncle hit me my aunt Patty What are you a per you perverts hitting you with a dish towel or whatever?

Fucking can't jerk off for eight years. Fucking put the fear of God in me lady. Fucking bastard. Perverts. Got me all fucked up. Now I'm in therapy. Uh huh. There's social structures of couples. Sure. I got a story. I got it. I don't know if I ever told you this. We were all real young staying in my aunt's house. My aunt Patty's house. You're whacking it. I was a

little too young. I was a little too young. But what's too young? 18, 19. I was saving myself for marriage. I got the Catholic. I was open for business kindergarten. I've told you that. Yeah, I'd rub my willy on the linoleum floor in the basement. I'm sure the janitor loves that. It was at my house. You're a dish operate.

Ah, shit, here comes that fat pervert again. Nice cold floor. Oh, cold floor cold floor I'll get you hey I'll be over in produce for a couple of minutes Betty make sure they slice the turkey thin this week you're like on the ground mushing your wiener squeezing a grape You got a papaya open Fuck me dude. Yeah, I'd ride down and down and down at my first house. I'd rub it on there Yeah, but I mean you're not you don't know what you're just know that you just know that I was me I knew it was wrong. I didn't want anybody to see me If I heard anybody's having a step so I would stop a little pervert. Yeah. Well your dad wasn't doing it

You knew it was wrong I think I learned it from Boys of holy Boy a freak of my little Willie And it was weird. I knew to do it until a certain point. Like, I knew I knew I was working toward something. Cat's in. Yeah, that's like a millions of years of animalistic primal attraction procreation. Boys got a little reptile in them.

God damn right. All right. So yeah your and patties And So a lot of teenage boys stay in there, okay, right just my it's all like the cuts like we would we were like It'd be the summer everybody was working. I got you. Yeah, my aunt Patty would be down there And there would be like fucking eight kids or whatever right I mean little heathens running around sure all like be I don't know Oh, also, I don't know if I ever told you this we used to play basketball in her backyard They get in the grass That's some poor

Fucking pistol Alabama like Peach bass yeah, I remember dude there was a playground like six blocks away. We'd be in the backyard playing basketball Say you get your dribble on point Take that to the hard court like about breaking ankles talk about a free-range shooter Yeah, I didn't I look at that just hit me I was like what the fuck we used to play basketball in the dirt Crazy Jesus. I don't know what dude there was playgrounds. I was like what the fuck we used to play basketball in the dirt crazy Jesus I don't know what dude there was playgrounds. There was a school right across the street

But I don't think we were allowed over there. Maybe you're like certain kids weren't I don't remember but I get in sidetrack here someone Relieved themselves of their pleasurable, you know somebody said came to the I gotcha the Guilty the devil's got their hands on them. Sure. Sure And where? So this is how it all is how it all unfolded and I do no one in my family's probably ever told I heard this from my cousins my old like my brother's age cousins. Uh-huh. So My aunt had just bought a brand new pair of sheets, put them on, they put them on the guest room bed. Right. She probably like, you know, somebody broke those fuckers.

Yeah, these are from pennies or something like they were like nice for some. But I don't know, like she had clocked these like there was probably 15 pair like sheets in the house, like from over 25, 30 years or whatever. But this was like, I just bought these sheets. I put them on and then like came back two, three days. Something happened and the sheets were changed. And she's like, I know I set them with my new, I know I made this bed with these new sheets I got from Benny's.

I had a coupon. So then she's got like GI Joe sheets on them from a single bed It's a queen. They're all stretched out. It's just towels. I Talk about it a patty. No, I didn't even have a bed. I was a little man on the totem pole They just used to put us in the third floor attic. No fucking no air conditioner up there Just one of those little triangle window fans I remember looking bad just talking my cousin Sean. We all could have fucking died up there. Like proper August, middle of August down the shore.

Like in carbon dioxide. The house didn't have central air. So it was just like a few window units in the house. Jesus Christ. And I used to sleep on one of those. Basketball in the dirt, sleeping in the attic. Fucking. That's all they had.

They were doing. Ejaculate on sheets so whatever you got going on here so whoever did their business uh-huh took the sheets and hid them in the attic upstairs like nice put them behind a box or something remade the bed thought mom was the word little did they know these were Patty's new sheets sure and she ain't springing for sheets every weekend you know it is pennies nonetheless I know pennies was banging so

It starts I Ripples everybody's in the house a lot of you this is a flop house, but it's going on this Investigation is happening in real time. Yeah, this wasn't a cold case and she found it like in the fall. No, okay, this is she found it in a cold case and she found it like in the fall. No, okay. This is this is still a hot crime scene. You know what I mean? So she finds him stuff like hidden and she's like why

the and then I guess I don't know solve put two and two together. Someone had you know someone went to Naughtyville and you know so she trashed the sheets. I think maybe she still uses them, I don't know. No way she trashed them. No, I don't know.

Penny? Talking to the cleaners. Little hot water would be all right. And so it was, I think she went to Little hot water and a trip to the archbishops. Get these things blessed. Get the Monsignor to get the devil off of these things. And now, she goes to somebody somebody I don't know who but she goes to somebody in the in the the the the age group above me

of course of like I was to you it would be like it's it's clearly one of the 13 year old 14 year old boys. I would make you a real perv Yeah, I'm fucking seven Not even sleeping in that bed seven already dropping loads well that it well it was all kids go that's why my hair's falling out jeez it was then real easy because who slept in that who was in that room and who was sleeping good at night he got eight and a half hours last night slept like a baby go find the kid passed out on the couch Smoking a cigarette

Let's go with that Meg's girl Doesn't like a great night's sleep, okay I don't know what it is. It wasn't like a great night's sleep, okay? Ah. Ah. Man. Man. Man.

Man. Here's your Women's Day magazine. Sorry. Found it in the attic. Okay. So then they all started. Ratting each other out. No, they were all like,

and also that group is thick as thieves. Right, like they're like, I ain't fuckin', they're no rats. You know what I mean? I mean, you'd have to assume that all of them had jerked off in the last 48 hours. Sure, one of them was doing it at the door in the conversation.

I got no idea. So then it all came, it ended up being a guy of the same, of a gentleman of the same age group, but in quasi part of the, a little gentleman of the same age group but and Quasi part of the fat a little bit of extended family who was there for Whoa a night or two and they were like well what the wheat they were like we sleep in the a keep us in the fucking Meat locker, what are you talking about? But it was a kid it was a it was a teenage boy who? Friend of the family friend of the family that's not that bad. It's not family fucking grab a paper That's what my cousin told me cuz everybody does it because I mean everybody does it but get a paper towel or something

He had no idea what he met out after my cousin Liam fucking put me on fucking Put me on the right path at a young age Sitting you down. I mean everybody we were walking on the Wildwoods boardwalk. You got a pair of socks He goes, I mean everybody does it but you get a paper towel. He's like 13 Talk talk to me. He's like a 60 year old guy. I Mean a man's gonna man's gonna do what a man's gonna do. He's chewing on an unlit cigar It's got a racing for him in his hand We've all been there

Listen, I like the flesh just as much as the next guy man. That's tough Yikes tough tough tough man Anything with that shit even how we got there Catholic was just killed you Was a little more removed from the I didn't get it the Catholic shit like they got it I was dead Catholic school. I was the CCDs I was a little more fucking a little more weekend war part-time guy. I didn't buy into it Let's go with the presence dog, let's roll shit makes no sense you all fucking believe this Man all right, let's see this

sitting there. Man. All right. Let's see this. This one's from Astoria Foam Cutters, Local 403. There you go. You ever been involved or at the scene of a car crash and not been wearing shoes? That's a fucking you don't belong there. That's a home run. Stand in there and shards of glass and shit. Anybody when something like that would happen when you were a kid. Back in the day, if there was some type of commotion, like say you were all your cousins and you're swimming

or you're fucking, you know, you're running around in the backyard and something like that would happen. Everybody went out. That was like the greatest show on TV. Everybody come out and this will come out and hey, he did this, he did that. We've had a couple. We had a couple of things like that. Hear the screeching and then run out. Everybody's getting involved, like somebody's walking with a little blood

on their head or something like that. What? Yeah, we'll call for you. We'll call. Calling your call. And it was like relay down the fucking. You know call for you. We'll call. You're calling. You're calling. It is like relay down the fucking... You know, there's some drunk running away. I have a report in his car stolen up in fences. I've been home his whole time. Do you need an ambulance? I need an alibi, lady.

All right. Everybody sit the fuck down and finish dinner. Let's get our story straight. I've been here all fucking night. Your cousin Al Yeah, that was fucking that was big news, man. Yeah for sure for sure. We never really had anything like that We grew up in a cul-de-sac so it was like there was no real No, Main Street action. Yeah, no exterior type shit. Yeah, we were near that my cousins were near the turnpike Oh, so you would just every once in a while just hear a that's a superior type shit. Yeah, we were near that. My cousins were near the turn

pike. So, you would just every once in a while, just hear a boom, a big and you wait for the pop and then the then the dads would **** run down there or whatever. You know what I mean? See what's going on. See what you know who needed help

or whatever. Yeah. Um man, I had a car accident with **** no shoes on. Jesus Christ. That's you're jammed up. You're up your trash yeah 100% because there's only either you're driving with no shoes on you're in the back of a car with no shoes on at least have or you've been thrown out of your shoes which means you were over the speed limit no I assumed it was somebody that wasn't involved in the action sure it ran out from the backyard from killing fucking the lightning bugs or something like that.

See what's going on. I remember I was in one. I want to say it was Christmas Day, Christmas Day or thing. It must have been Thanksgiving Day. I was going down to get mashed potatoes from this restaurant that we used to lean on a little bit. Hey, what Christmas Day? It's Thanksgiving Day.

I couldn't make your own mashed potatoes. Right? It was my mom would be cooking for like 40 and we would, it would be like the backup mashed potatoes, like she would do her batch, but there'd be so many people. And you hit the Popeyes. No, it was this restaurant that my stepdad's friend owned or whatever. They were open on Christmas. They're Thanksgiving Day. We would take their chairs.

We'd take everything. He'd do the eating in a restaurant chair. restaurant chair and card machine at my mom's house You got mints at the front door? three bus boys running around I Was one of one of those at the house what a bus tub? Yeah, be sweet destroy your dishes in there. I'm here for the next shift Your mom comes in what the fuck? for the next shift your mom comes what the fuck

Hey to do my side work. I remember I was working at Giuseppe's in Richboro I was too young to be working as many hours. I was as I was working It was like I was working like 10-hour shifts. I'd go in it. I do it was nuts I'd go in it like noon and work until like 10 11 at night and good fat little bastard. I've seen dinner rolls the whole fucking night. But I remember that's this is when I first realized I was working too hard and I did just I was waking up and you know, like when you're. What's it all about, Charlie? I don't know. Thinking about cash in and then heading down to Florida.

Fucking 12 years old. Yeah, so younger than 12 and bad knees Doctor says my xyotic is working up if I don't stop now. I'll never bust again. I don't want to end up like old man Giuseppe 28 They uh Was having dreams because I was like, you know, like you take your homework You're like dreaming about I was so such a nervous kid and so fucking anxious And they ran a tight ship to Giuseppe's there. I remember the one old fat bitch yelled at me a bunch

And I saw her working at Burger King. He had it coming He tells a story like it's Vietnam. I was a tense kid I Just I was so you know like you go into that Friday night Restaurant and as a young kid They're like that's a teen they might as well be in the army see I didn't have that when I was a kid And I worked at busy restaurants. I didn't give a fuck this had nothing to do with me Yeah, I'll get done when it gets done. I wasn't until I started taking drugs and needed the money where I was like hey We gotta get this

Figure this thing. Yeah, I gotta keep this gravy train rolling I'm doing whippets in the walk. Keep these tables moving. I was having dreams that there was bus pans in my bed. Full bus pans by my feet. And I remember waking up and moving the colors. It was a green comforter. I remember pulling it away, looking for the bus pan

by my feet. And I remember it hit. The TV was still on. See if there's any sketties left. The TV was still on. There's any skitties. The TV was still on. I went, what the fuck old am I? I'm like, this is taking my taking my work home with me. You open a bottle of Bushmills and think of John.

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Dropping your eyes on the weekends. $10 passive investor. How you doing? You've ever accidentally knock yourself out? That's a home run kid. I haven't. Have you ever been knocked out? I don't think so. I saw stars once.

Yeah, I've been like, you get hit and you're like, I'm not fucking, I'm not locked in. I'm a little wonky-tonky. I've not remembered. I've had bits and pieces. And I'm not a blackout drunk kind of guy. Sometimes. Every once in a while. Sure about that?

Where I don't, where I can't remember. It'll take me, when it comes to to drinking it'll take me like oh, yeah I forgot we stopped there for a slice of beer like it like I'll be I need to be I never ran into a wall or anything like that and got knocked out now one time the closest I ever came The not on me I was we were I was loading a pickup truck with my brother something We shouldn't have been loading there's these things called hij hijacks and it's like a magic like a forklift. Yeah, I'm a crank it up fucking rookie I don't know what a goddamn hijack. I don't know why you're thinking ever had my hands in the dirt I don't know why you're taking offense to this

Too busy doing perks at a fucking red Robin fucking waiting tables By the way, we got to talk about this. This is just a couple weeks ago. I fucking goddamn TGI Fridays is closed I'll for bankruptcy. What the fuck? What the hell is going on? I don't know They have this crazy thing They only have five or ten million dollars in cash and there's like fifty million dollars worth of gift cards out there So like and they're about to declare bankruptcy. So you got to use your gift cards now people. Yeah, let's go There you go. They closed find out more for me on when they got no gift cards go put go fucking these guys need the cash You get half price beers. I'm sure man. They can't be running like happy hours

You gotta be where'd you read that rich guy quarterly? Yeah, that was that was that was that was merger and acquisitions weekly big time letter Backdoor information I was merger and acquisitions weekly time Letter that's in fact that's in make a move back door information They're gonna do a short squeeze on it It's gonna be a coup it's got short selling the chilies But someone will probably come in and buy that like that's what happened with bed bath and beyond or whatever There's 39 owned by TGIF, but then there's like 80 franchises. So like people just own those themselves. The franchise will still be there. The franchise are still there.

Yeah, but still that fucks the franchise is because they're like, we don't want to honor these gift cards because like that's all that's all that money is going to TGIF. That goes up to corporate, not the local guy. So if I get a TGI Friday's gift card and I go to one that's franchise and I pay with that They don't get that money. I'm sure they'll honor I'm sure there's some sort of deal there

But no like that the money the $200 if you got to get me Bankruptcy forget about that stuff Some TGI Fridays are owned by corporate summer owned by franchise if I'm given a T TGI Fridays gift card as a gift and I go to a TGI Fridays, I don't know who owns it corporate franchise fucking the Saudis whoever I don't know the fuck owns it Saudis wouldn't be going out of business. They got the cage to keep that thing afloat. Okay, and I pay There's a chance that they might say we don't take TGI. I'm sure there's no chance that they wouldn't take it But it's all lucid. I don't know. I don't know TGF. I'm sure there's no chance that they wouldn't take it, but it's all lose it I don't know. I don't know the art at the logistics of their yeah, huh man, okay, but still that's sad

I love a TGF right one of the best memories I have in life is eating at that TGF Fridays in Altoona, Pennsylvania with you are one of your best in life That was a great meal get you out of the house I was high on drugs you also did coke all weekend and made me hang out by myself. You're a fucking rat. Shut up. I know it was you jerking off of them sheets, too. Start throwing stones at me. Um, original TGI Fridays, I believe, Upper East Side of New York.

I yes, you're right. Where they film cocktail. Yes. And Tom, they had like very good bartenders. And that's where Tom Cruise learned how to bartend for the movie Shout out to it the original mozzarella steak That guy some fucking broad on the Upper East Side that works at an office down in Midtown Takes her heels off and then puts her sneakers on to go home lives alone with her cat, okay Talked about someone you know he yikes

Man she much II what was the question I forget um I? Don't know how do we get there I? Don't know I don't know either Either way, this is a perfect segue. This is how the show works hit me This is from Justin long time $1010 homie, never had one read. Are you garbage who are valet parking attendant at a TGI Fridays while in college? I worked for a third party company that provided valet services to local restaurants and nightclubs.

One of those was a TGI Fridays at the bottom of an office building with limited parking options. That's a nice Fridays. That's you got to feel like a million bucks. You pull up there. Happy hour. Toss toss the keys a lot of the sabers in that Parking yeah, Ford fusions or whatever Mm-hmm. Well when they had the cars the Cadillacs that had the like the the fill leotardo car They had the the the wheel was on the outside of sure on the trunk. Mm-hmm I was writing nice rag top how to figure out how to fucking get that thing off

The wire wheels. I don't think it was in there though wasn't it it wasn't on the outside That was just like it was sticking out. Yeah, but I think it was a case No, you could see the actual wheel you could see the hubcap. I don't know not one of those guineas you roll with Goddamn Irish American. Yeah, all right, and you drove we drove fucking four Thars's Like a Cadillac, not those salt streams. All right. That's in the same realm here. This is from Uncle Zacher. Ten dollar union member is a garbage get cut off at the bar at an outback steakhouse.

I respect it. If you can't let your hair down at a fucking American chain, casual dining restaurant, where can you do it? I'm surprised they do. You got to you got to be a 100 percent jerk off. I told you about you have to be a dick. Yes. You're probably not drunk, but it's probably like, yeah, you fucking you're causing a scene.

I will say this is someone worked at a corporate place, Devon, which also was closing some of the ice off. Twenty five years in business. I thought that though it. By the way, so 25 years in business. I thought that though it. I wonder what's going to go in there. That place is great. They have strict rules about that stuff like like, I think legally, you're only supposed to be give somebody a certain amount of alcohol

or a certain amount of drinks, six drinks, seven drinks, whatever it is. And you got to be causing trouble for them. I'm not going here. You got to be causing trouble to reinforce that. But when I was in Wilkes-Barre a couple months ago when I went to that wedding and we stayed, remember I was telling you, sure, we went to Texas Longhorns or Texas Roadhouse. Man, their drinks, they are fucking sneakers. Yeah. Because they're sweet as shit. All of a sudden you're

fucking falling into your loaded mashed potatoes. It's like Picardian sunkist. It's you fucking twisted They got all those deals though, it's cheap dollar margaritas and shit like that. Those scary margaritas or whatever they're serving. The blue ones. That's what's popping. I feel like that is, where is that? Applebee's maybe or more.

Somewhere. Those things look good. Just go in there and get fucked up. Yeah, set it at a high top booth. Or like a high top round table. Ooh. Pop out for a high top booth, or like a high top round table. Ooh, pop out for a heater every now and then. Can't tell me shit. All right, let's see here.

This one's just funny. This is from Tootie's Tits. Ten dollar Bozo. Ten dollar Bozo. It is a garbage. Your credit card gets declined on your AYG Patreon automatic. PS, it was a Venmo credit card as a Venmo credit card holder myself Shut up. You still got that. I still got that they keep increasing the limit. What are you lying about my income?

I don't know what it is last night check. I think it was a 7500 Yeah, I lost the car slices of pizza I'm in in the Venmo thing Slices of pizza. Oh, love some diamond in the Venmo thing. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah Everything's pizza sure if you've ever received a payment from me for work nefarious reasons, or I'm actually paying you back It's pizza or a house a lot of pizza for a I Do eat a lot of pizza for a hem is we're being honest

All right, let's see here. This is from Lippy Kippy $20 homie is a garbage if your dad was the best man at your mom's first wedding? Oh, again, that's like the first question. Then they got divorced and he fucking snuck in there. But that's the boy moved in there. No, your dad was your dad was the best man at your mom's first wedding. Yeah, that'd be like if you were my best man, I got divorced and you married my wife.

That's a little different than another couple. Sure, but it's the same thing. And I'm telling you, those older couples from our parents' generation back, they rolled in like prides and packs. It was like four or five families that were all tight, that lived in a neighborhood or worked together or whatever. They were all hanging out. It's like in the Patriot when the wife died he starts banging his sister.

Did he? Yeah. Mel Gibson? Yeah. That blonde lady was his sister? Was her sister. Oh that's right. Ah, PCA. It's back in the day 1776. I mean what the fuck you gonna do? 1776 Ain't no tinder daddy-o Yeah, nice roll in the hay right there Tom Jones on the eight track. What are you gonna do? Got into the mead early No, but hey ponytail like that sure blood thirst He went sick. Oh, my.

When the kid got. Yeah. That's how I'll have my vengeance in this life or another. That guy went psycho. Hey, buddy, the expected age was the lifespan was another two years. It was an old man. No, but they all hung out together and you got to think they all started families younger back then. So they're like in their early 20s hanging out like that.

You look back, you know that them bros are good-looking. Your mom and her friends. Not my mom. My mom was beautiful. My mom is beautiful. I know. Talking about a pervert. Bounce a quarter off that thing. You son of a bitch. No, but when you look back It was her birthday recently.

They were all wearing those bikinis and shit like that. Where were you hanging out with these broads and bikinis? What the fuck are you talking about? In the summer down the shore, they had all that fucking tropic candle in them. You were hanging out with your, you would go to the beach and your mom and your aunts and uncles, every one of you would be wearing bikinis.

What are they in the playmates? Who's wearing bikinis with kids like that on the beach? I get breastfed in the grotto? No, but some of the ladies... They're all doing beer bongs in the dunes. Some of them wore bikinis. All the dads are skimboarding. Some of them wore bikinis.

Not my mom. She's got the figure for it. Goddamn holidays. Almost. You're classy brought the figure for it Yeah What the piece Denise was always in a one piece as far as I can remember. Yeah, so much you miss dripping Good thing she don't know it's a show. Well my uncle's listen. I was a joke show but my uncle's listen I was a joke I'll straighten you out bikinis were big back then and they all had the copper tone not the tropic and copper tone they were all tanned up whenever you say Berber they had the sun in in their hair

drinking those Michelobes with the foil is it beer or Michelob that was big Dan's drink for a long time sure oh god my fucking head hurts holy shit for a long time. Sure. Oh, God, my fucking head hurts. Holy shit. Making fun of my mother. I didn't make for you brought it up. This one's from Diego. Is it garbage to get married on your lunch break? My my wife took an unexplained and my wife took an extended lunch and we got married at the courthouse and had our Mexican families with us to celebrate. My mom paid in cash for the marriage certificate. Dude, that's what I'm talking about. That's crazy. That's

all business right there. That sounds like an alibi. That sounds like the charges are coming down. You can't testify against her husband. Put the house in her name real quick. Yeah, that's whoa. I respect that. So worker. I like that. I respect that. That's very much. I also think it's cool that it's like not this big to do it's like you don't need to like fly to Hawaii with a hundred people and make this big to do out of it and put a lot of pressure on people around the holidays to Spend time with their family and their loved ones Which they work so hard out on the road and they they they miss from fucking

All year and then you know this guy just does it you know he was probably young too it's not even like he was 49 or anything like that that's crazy you all done taking out a fucking bridge loan to get them Jesus Christ I'm up to my eyes in renovations I'm getting jammed up to the fucking nice goddamn time god damn inspectors breathing down my neck. I can't pull permits. I got fucked up! I got mold, Jerry! I'm gonna send you a check. No, I like that though. That's trashy as shit, but I respect it. It's a very cool way to do it. Yes.

All right, let's see here. This one, I don't know if this is from Rose $10 homie. Hey buddy. Is it garbage to offer the service repairman a beer? I think that's the jet. It depends on the time of day. I've seen that backfire. Really? Yeah, I've seen my dad do that and it backfire. You want to stare my wife in a bikini?

Patty, get that. Middle of winter. Take a look at her. You want to stare my wife in a bikini? Patty get that Middle of winter take a look at her She's something anyway Terrible no my dad was always very You know he had like social anxiety, so he was always very overly can we get you something a drink? You know you want this whatever whatever you? You do that here with big guests and PR people that come in with whatever, and I don't understand

it. You go, can I get you anything? You want whatever? And we literally have, we can offer them black coffee and bottled water, nothing else. And you go, you want coffee, anything? And they go, yeah, I'll do a cappuccino. And you're like, nah, we don't have it. I got coffee.

I got black coffee. It's coming out of a dirty Keurig, too. Just say, hey, can I get you a water? I say water or coffee now. Black coffee. No, you say coffee, then they go, yeah, with a splash of almond milk. Like we're a full like, you're a goddamn baristas. You put yourself in a position to immediately have to say no. Well, collagen peptides in there? No. You want a heater? I hope yeah. I got a carton of heaters.

There was some dude fixing something in our house on a Friday at the end of the day Then I think hey man, if you want a beer help yourself But my dad had just gotten home from work like the dude got there at like three was fixing it Whatever my dad got home from work Didn't know this guy from Adam was like, hey, do you want a beer? Sure? Goes to the garage gets him a beer comes back gives him one all of a sudden He's out in the garage grabs another one. That's crazy and comes in next thing You know this guy's like three four beers deep, and it's like grab any other end of this real quick

He's having you hold it up, and it's like six o'clock I'm like a Friday and like you know really good I'm over there in the corner. He's like I love pizza. You're like what the fuck yeah You got a little tuned up. Yeah, that had a kind of fire. I will listen. You know take two more in there I'm gonna go Corporate policy saying a franchise And no pain with a gift card either pal any cash Yeah, but no I think that I think that's I think that's nice to it, but it can backfire Yeah, I've seen it. You got to be real strict about that. I've seen it with Comcast guys when we were living in Philly

Comcast oh Pat No Pat No The guy like they like all for them They were like smoking a blunt or something or it was on the table and he was like, yeah you mind and they were like Yeah, sure But then like he like took his boots off and sat on the couch and like started watching a movie with them They go fucking he got no internet. I got a term paper doing the morning Guy greens out

There's a little bit left in there as a bag right here he's doing this That blunt look of like They're wide but closed You guys home to drink Dry shit Go upstairs taking that hey, Hey, what's your shitter at? It's a Wi-Fi password. You guys got any Visine? I gotta go back to the office before he block out.

Dude, the slow look over to process what you're saying what you just said oh shit man that's crazy you crazy it's my fucking crazy oh god but we gotta wrap it up gang my fucking head hurts I swear to god what a fun one gang we love you to death yeah and we'll see you next week peace