Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Shane Torres: Southern Gentleman

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back with a hot episode of AYG with stand up comedian Shane Torres. Shane talks growing up in the south, eating at 7-11, and stand up comedy. You know Shane from Comedy Central, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. Support our Sponsors: https://yokratom.com For a 60$ Kilo Today! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Forman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey gang, it's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kippy. Just wanna thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage. Yeah guys, make sure you subscribe. That way you get the episode as they come out and you can also go to gasdigitalnetwork.com, use promo code AYG to get bonus content and get the episodes before they come out and HD streaming. Do it.

Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. I tell you what, couple of good looking fellas right there. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.

This is R U Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grow up classy or if they're absolute trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day here, gas digital studios, the East Village, New York fucking city. We're coming back baby. We're taking the fucking city back. We're having a fucking fantastic fucking time here.

My co-host, my good pal sitting a little too close next to me, wearing his favorite local band shirt. He's the brains behind the operation. He put the whole fucking thing together, gang. You know the drill. The next time you reach it for a best pal, you make it a kippy. Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

Hey gang, happy to be here. Thanks so much for tuning in. I also like to, when you go into host mode, just you black out and just say, oh, beautiful day here. I do. There was literally a tornado about an hour ago. Beautiful day here in New York city. There's buildings collapsing.

I don't even know if I said my name. Yeah, you go, he goes into host mode. I do, it's weird. Guys, thanks so much for listening. Please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Please. Also full video available on YouTube. You can subscribe there as well.

Also, you can go to Gas Digital, get the full catalog of our show, including episodes with Andrew Schultz, Mark Norman, Joe Liz, Paul Verzi, Bobby Kelly, fucking the who's who. Sit on that. Shane Gillis, Matt McCusser, so go check it out. Use promo code AYG.

You save a couple of bucks. We wet our beak. It's a fucking ecosystem of fucking, it's a pyramid scheme of podcast, let's do it. It's like a murderers' robe, trashy dude. Oh yeah. She's like, Christ, is there anybody in there that uses a napkin?

Gang, that voice you hear is our incredibly special guest that we could not be more excited to have him here. This gentleman is a comedian, a writer, and an actor. He has appeared on last comic, standing comedy bang bang, comedy knockout. Night train has his own comedy central, presents this week at the comedy cellar. I've been on all those canceled shows.

Conan, Shane Torres conquers your fears. And of course, he has an album out. Shane Torres established 1981, but the big question in everybody's mind today, is he garbage? And I gotta tell you, it looks like he can get us anything from bank blueprints to illegal fireworks. All right?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Shane Torres, everybody. Good to see you, boys. Yeah, what's up, buddy? Thanks for doing the show. He does look like the guy that has the plans to the bank. You do look like the guy whenever something like, they need an easy thing in a movie of like, I know a guy who does this and it just cuts the shame

out back of a supermarket and just like. To be fair, this whole room looks like we're all auditioning for a casual Excel mail commercial. Pants to fit. I'm on the petite side though, a little bit. Oh my God. Some petite casual Excel kind of guy. You're a middleweight at best.

Oh my God, Shane, thank you so much for sticking with us, man, thanks for coming. Yeah, thanks for having me. Anything to pass the days right now. Man, it's brutal. I told, I was telling our producer, I was like, beginning of the pandemic, I was just close to buying a fucking PlayStation

and just being like, fuck. God, so close. I almost did the same exact fucking thing. And then I was like, this is really gonna open a bad hole. Yeah, that's a bad turn to come. That's a hard one to come back from. Yeah, cause then it's just gonna be that and then a heart attack.

Cause like I know it just eat and snack and then play like FIFA or whatever. It's like at $40 lunches getting delivered to the door. Oh, God, it's like ordering from the same Indian place twice and more there. That's what killed Gandolfini. Not the Tika, but I want to try the Korma. Another round for me and my friends.

Extra non bread, send it over boys. Tell us the backstory. Tell us, you know, the origin story. Where did you grow up? How did you grow up? Give us the whole story. From the south, right? Texas, yeah.

Really? Yeah. Okay. Fort Worth, so like south side of Fort Worth. Let's see, my mom was an Irish immigrant. Father was first generation Mexican-American. Maybe second, it's a little. I see.

Keep that on the QT these days. Was it two brothers? I went, I'm pretty sure I'm trash. Not because of anything. He stopped in the middle of it. I really like, my mother did the best with what she could. Considering like, you know when you watch basketball and you're like, man, they weren't that good,

but that coach really fucking coached them up. Really polished them up, yeah. Yeah, my mom, like she really did the best with what she. She was doing two a days. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. It was just like, she was working night shifts and then like coming home and waking us up and then, you know, then I'm like,

well I'll just go do drugs at Kevin's house. Drugs at Kevin's house. So grew up there, what's it? My mom was a nurse, my dad was a salesman, whatever that. The fake salesman, I love that. Yeah, like he sold stuff. Like he would have shit from different jobs in the garage. That's awesome.

Yeah, it would just be like, there's industrial cleaning supplies. Yeah, and then like here's roofing shingles. Yeah, he was always just worked in sales, I guess. Yeah, so it's like Texas went to high school in a pretty small town called Crowley. Okay. When I started high school,

my graduating class was supposed to be around 700 people. That's a lot. Yeah, well, but by the time we were done, no, it was about 250, 300. What? Shut up. It was like, it was pregnancies, moves. 500 kids? Lots of drop it.

I mean, like bad, dude. Like, was it drugs? No, I mean, some for sure, but like just like, they don't, like it's just like, it's a shit school system anyway, so people just drop out. I'm gonna go work. It might not have been that,

I could be inflating the numbers a bit to be honest, but like, it was like, yeah, it was, I remember it being like, this is like 40% of the kids. Anybody see Larry? Yeah, it was very like, like, oh, you're the first wave. Kind of like, go take the beach

and we'll see you get through this. I was a pretty shitty kid growing up, but I've always been amazed by the people that dropped out of school or the ones that got kicked out of school. Yeah, well, both my brothers were expelled twice. Wow. For what?

Stuff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mind your business, buddy. Hey, hey, hey. You just go to Arthur Avenue and start asking around about God. Yeah.

Oh, that's great. Hey, would you guys get on to your gated community and ask your Subaru dealer about it? That was awesome. Hey, stuff. Yeah, stuff, you know, people get in trouble for stuff. Dude, I did that one time, not realizing, I did a show in Long Island City

and I thought, and then I went, I live in Washington Heights, so I went to Washington Heights and there's this like weird go-go bar kind of. It's very tight. It's like very, you know, it's a bunch of like, I like the drug dealers hang out there and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, this is the bar where like, they go be social, but really find out and like sell drugs. Yes, and my buddy's from the neighborhood, so he's like, I'll meet me there. So I walk in and I see this guy, I'm a little tuned up, so I see this guy who I thought was just at the show

and I'm like, were you just in Long Island? Like I was excited and I'm like, were you just in Long Island City? He's like, what the fuck did you say to me? I'm like, oh my God, nothing, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, I've never been to Long Island City, ever. Hey, did you go to Temple? Yeah, I was like, yeah, I'm not an idiot.

It's a lot, I'm sorry, I would say, yeah, there was probably like half of the kids to 40% down, yeah, like, that's wild. Yeah, no, no, but like, you know, we also split high schools too at one point. So that probably a number, yeah. Yeah, but like, it was like, it was a, there was a significant amount of people,

you were like, this guy's not making a back from the lower. Like, yeah, a lot of kids in, like I look back at that I knew and I look at their parents, if I ever met them, I'm like, that poor bastard. Never had a shot, yeah. Yeah, and it sucks because their parents never had a shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

We had a couple of kids like that. In our neighborhood, it was like a middle class neighborhood, but there's varying degrees of how people take care of their homes and stuff. Yeah, oh yeah, I mean, I would say we were like, middle, middle class to lower middle class. Okay, yeah, yeah. There was a kid that lived down at the bottom of the hill

and like, when you're a kid, you don't really understand it, but like, that was the, like, he was the house that they were, he was allowed to build a fucking half pipe in the backyard. And like, you'd walk in and there'd be like a couple holes in the wall, no parents around, you could like smell the kitty litter. Yeah, I wouldn't eat over here. Yeah, and they always have like,

why is all your juice like, not juice? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the Chappelle Purple stuff kind of. It's a lot of high C and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, you're like, yeah, like this, this guy just got like assembly, like he got, all he got was Tetris pieces for lunch. And they were like, here's a frozen burrito,

here's a high C. Make it work. Yeah, yeah, like it was that kind of shit. Yeah, you look back on this kid, you're like, damn it. Yeah, they're fucking, they're usually pretty nice kids too. Yeah, but have you ever seen them show Catastrophe? No. It was really good, but it's a, fuck it, what's Rob? The guy who had the infamous mom on Kimmel.

Oh, Rob Delaney. Yeah, it's his show. Okay. But there's a- Oh, here it's great. It's really good. It's fantastic. Is that the one set in London?

Yeah, yeah, where he gets an Irish girl pregnant and they end up in London. But there's this like great seat where his, cause his dad's a piece of shit. And he goes, and he like, there's this scene where he goes, well, he goes, well, I didn't, he meets us. You see his dad and his dad's kind of like, well,

I beat the shit out of you less than my dad beat the shit out of me and you don't even hit your kid. So it's all going in the right direction. No shit. Yeah, and that's like, that's how fuck they think of it though. Yeah, yeah, like it's like, yeah, it's going in the right direction,

but this is not a correction. You're like, you're still swimming and the boat's drifting away. Man, like- There's no scars here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the best they can put it, which is also pretty fucking sad.

What brought your mom here from Ireland? She's a nurse. So I guess in the, she probably came over in the early 60s about that, but maybe mid 60s, I'm honestly not sure. But it was when Fort Worth, where I'm from, which is next to Dallas, was starting to become like a pretty big city

and having a lot of industry come into it. And they needed medical professionals. Gotcha. And so they hired people to recruit nurses from all over and there were a bunch of them in England, you know, like, and then coming to the States at that time was like a big deal too. Of course, yeah.

So there were a bunch of, so if you go to Fort Worth, you will, and you meet like a 75 year old woman, if they have an English, Irish or Scottish accent, you will probably, you could ask her, I bet you half of them are at least nurses or working in medicine or, yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, that's pretty cool, man.

And was she an old, was she typical old school Irish mom? Yeah, like she was, yeah, she was mean. Yeah. Cause that's where we come from. We've both come from a long line of that. Yeah, are your folks, are your folks? Born here, but we're 100% Irish. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So my mom was from Carkinlish, which is outside of Limerick. But yeah, very like extremely, like my, like my answer over there, uncle, there was a priest that was over there. Like, I have like, like super Catholic. She probably loved him. When somebody in the family became a priest, that was like they became a fucking rock star.

Yeah, it was, it's just so weird. Yeah. But like, so strange. But it was interesting, cause my, in my mother's family, my uncle was the only man. So, and then my grandfather had died years before. So when he decided to become a priest, my grandmother was like livid about it

because there was no caring on the name. Oh yeah. But so it was kind of like, well, yes and no. You know what I mean? Like if there'd been another boy to do it, it probably would have been fine. It would have been great, but yeah. And also my dad went to seminary for a while

and he got kicked out. There you go. But you got kicked out, but my grandmother was like thrilled about it. Right. He was, you know, so bitch, it's, you know, one. Fuck, I don't know. Yeah.

I could have never been here. Yeah, that's fucking wild. Yeah. That is funny. But yeah, but super Catholic, you know. And you were raised super Catholic. Yeah. My parents got divorced before the confirmations happened,

but. The confirmations sucks though. Yeah. It's like, it's all that after the communion. The communion is the only one you're like. That's the Super Bowl. Yeah. You get a suit.

Fucking all story. It doesn't matter. We always talk about this cause I grew up around a lot of, you know, I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up. Do you remember what you made on your communion? You remember what you pulled in? I think I made cake. I think it was not like a thing, you know,

like it was not a, it really wasn't like a big, yeah, like my little brother, my older brother, I'm sorry, cause my uncle was a priest and he was in, he was as, his church was in London where he was stationed or I don't know what they do with him. Yeah. There was two tours over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had a residency. Yeah. Why me to the moon? He's a special engagement. Three nights at St. John's, come down, follow the tourists, check it out. Yeah, you wanna. Adding shows Sunday.

Doing meet and greets and shit. But my brother, my mom wanted to take us over to see her sisters and we were really little. So my brother had his first communion in Ireland and then my uncle presided over it or whatever. That's fucking cool. Yeah, yeah. And then I just got like, let's just get you through it.

Yeah, let's get through this middle child. Cause we always say that, like I was born in upstate Pennsylvania. So I didn't have any Jewish friends at Wilkesbury. Okay. Yeah, been there. And then when we moved down outside Philly, you know, I had a bunch of Jewish friends and I'd gone to communion.

I got like fucking maybe 200 bucks that I never fucking saw. And then I would go to my buddy's Bar Mitzvah parties and they're fucking rolling in, fucking, you know, Siegfried and rolling 20 grand in cash. I feel like that with the Catholics, we get ripped off on that. Yeah. I don't know if it's really about the money.

Like I like, you know, so maybe I'm not garbage. Yeah, no. We've talked about this with so many people and you're the only person who's like, yeah, man, it's not about the money. What the fuck are you talking about? Hey, it's about bringing down the church. What's it for all?

It's about taxing up. Yeah, I went to one Bar Mitzvah, like growing up, like there were not a ton of Jewish kids in my school clearly, but like, I went to Alex Seltzer's Bar Mitzvah. Shout out to Alex. Yeah, nice guy. Took me to my first concert. Cool dude.

Well, was it? It was Edge Fest, which was like the radio stations, like, oh, they're always so trash. Oh, buddy. Like the big tailgate, the Z-ball or whatever it is, jingle balls or whatever. Oh, yeah. And like, you're like, hey, everybody, it's me,

Ryan Rex and Cindy Scove from 97.1. We're out here at the fucking fest. Give it up for Parade of Losers. Yeah, dude, those things are, those things are like, those things are state fair sad. Yeah, but they are the state fair of like, because you're like, there's always one local band that's getting an opening spot.

Oh, yeah. And you're like, these are our guys. And you're like, you look back and you're like, this is some dog shit music of the ever. Oh, for sure. I can't always feel bad. Every time I went to a concert, I felt so bad for the opening act.

They would never have like the amps turned up that much. Yeah, there's never like, they always have like a shit run most of the time. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Especially in amphitheater. Yeah. Oh, everybody's still funneling in.

You can see people tailgating outside still. Yeah. And it's just like, you know, my buddy was opening for a, he's a comic, but he was opening for this huge act in an amphitheater outside of Chicago. And he just goes, he comes out and he's like, and he's from Chicago and he's like a big comic himself, but he comes out

and he goes, last time I was here, I saw Lollapalooza 95 and Jesus Christ, was it terrible? And then some woman in the front goes, fuck you, that was an awesome show. And he was like, all right. All right, good song. 19 minutes left. It's gonna be the longest 20 minutes I've ever, yeah.

I love Blind Melon. Yeah. I actually do love Blind Melon. Son of a lot. Shannon Hoon, he was a great songwriter. Yeah, apparently he was a great wrestler. Oh, really? Obviously about him.

Yeah, he was apparently, he was a really good athlete. He was like an Iowa guy, like wrestling's big sport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fan of the H too. Yes. H Foley. Who is him? Shout out.

All right, let's get into some fucking RU garbage here. We have a picture. We're gonna tell you how I had tequitos from 7-Eleven. Yeah, he already tipped his hand. He said he had three tequitos. Sorry. They don't have an endive salad for me yet at the bodega. Oh, I'm sorry.

7-Eleven doesn't carry barata cheese. I'm sorry, all the babes that listen to this podcast. We have like 98% males for like 25. Oh, no shit, yeah. And dude, we talk about this a lot. I'll tell you something, those fucking tequitos. Who's making them? I gotta ask, this is even part of the play.

I bet your listenership just looks like Reddit. What happens? Oh, yeah, that's big. What flavors of tequitos did you go? I go, I go to S'morego's, Bordeaux is Pickle. I'm sure, yeah, yeah. But I like, I think my favorite is the chicken, like, it's got the...

The buffalo? The buffalo's good. Buffalo's great. But I like the Monterey. Monterey. Yeah, yeah, I think Monterey's got the most flavor. And Buffalo's just kind of buffalo, especially if it's been...

There for a couple of weeks? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell you what though, you throw a little Monterey Jack cheese on something, that fucking really brings up the real estate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it really makes it. Get a little bit of that red pep out. Yeah, little fucking Monterey Jack, goodnight.

Yeah, you shouldn't have told us about the tequitos. Yeah, I'm already one down, I guess. It's like, what is the object? Is the object to be come out as garbage or not come out as garbage on this show? Well, here's the thing. You know, it's still in definition. All right, there's bad garbage and there's good garbage.

You know what I mean? It's also how you embrace it too. Like if you, like you're coming in like, yeah, I'm garbage. And it's like, you're not trying to hide anything. It's just like... But also like, that's just a good salty treat that I had. Oh, it's still in. Oh, buddy, we're a big tequito family over here.

Big, big, yeah. Tequito and a slurpee, man. I wanted to do a slurpee, but I was like, one thing at a time. What is the last time you had one? I had one maybe like a month ago. I haven't had one in forever, but that, as a chat,

I asked for a slurpee machine for Christmas one. That's awesome. Yeah, and my dad was like, they're so expensive, there's no way you're gonna get it. Yeah, thousands of dollars. And then like 300 bucks a week to maintain and keep it on the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just so I can get a fucking, so I can be a little even fatter kid with no lateral movement. Yeah, it's a slurpee machine. I like how he thought too, like he would just come down in the middle of the night and be glowing in the kitchen. He was like, ah, take out the medium Coke, please.

Yeah, I just wake up my dad to pour me one of that. I want the full experience. Blue raspberry again, let's go. I've, you guys been, since everybody's open drinking right now, have you been enjoying the fun summer of frozen drinks? Is what I've, everybody has slurpee machine, or frosty machine,

and I'm fucking all about it. I have been telling them, they give me too much of a brain freeze too. I drink them too fast, but the place I do my show at Good God, we're doing it on the roof, they have a pina colada, masala, like, you know the Indian spice masala?

Wow. It's awesome. Yeah, and it's also, it's like, there's a lot of coconut in Indian food, so it actually makes perfect sense. Yeah, yeah. I put down like four of them last week. I had, you know, when you just know like, I have a sugar hangover.

Oh, that's the worst part of that. The next day. Yeah, yeah. But a fucking ice cold for a strong, ice cold frozen margarita. Oh, bad. Get the fuck out of here. I'll take you to some places in Texas, you'll get the best margaritas you're fucking like.

Yeah. Yeah. I fucking love it. They make some pretty good spots all over, but like, I still feel like Texas is the best fucking margaritas I've ever had. That makes sense. Are they all frozen or do people do them on the rocks? I mean, they do, we do them on the rocks,

but like, people do them, but like, it's just like, I think it's like an essence thing. You're like, you have the patio, and there's like, it's all Christmas lights and Shinerbox signs and chips and salsa, and like. A little mezcal throw in there. Yeah, and you're like a mariachi band and that kind of stuff.

And like, and you're just bullshitting, and you're like, yeah, we're gonna do a fucking nether, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll do the fucking best, but you know. And you're nachos, and then at the end of it, you're like, I am so much fatter than I was before. Let's go get some taquitos on the way home. Fucking, we gotta have a night snack.

It's so funny, when you're in the, like, when your body's in the right mood and you feel it, and you have that first drink, and you know that it's gonna be one of those nights where you're just fucking blowing through every red light, and it's fucking, let's get fucking hammered. That first one, and that shit hits you. You're like, yeah, I'm getting fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's very much just like a, yeah, tonight, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. I'm like, I'm not thinking about tomorrow. Like, last Wednesday, we did the show on the roof, and I ended up getting shit-faced, and I ended up in some stranger's backyard at like three in the morning, and we were like, it was late,

and we were just talking about John Prine for like two hours, and I was like, no, like six o'clock news is his best song. Listen to it, you're not hearing me. Shit. It's always bad when you end up in like, co-conversations without doing blow. Yeah. I mean, when you're just talking about

some obscure thing for hours. It was that kind of intensity, and then I like, throw on my headphones and start walking home, it's like three blocks away, and I just like, was listening to John Prine and like, walking through the streets like with a beard, like, yeah, this is fucking New York moment, and then you're like, nothing's open.

The wildlife are moving back into the city. It's fucking dicey. All right, he's fucking sidetracked. I know, let's go. I like this technique, he's deflecting. I like it. I just want you guys to know how I use mayonnaise for deodorant or what.

As long as it's not a miracle whip, you're all right in our book. Yeah, what's your verdict on that? Since you brought it. I like whip, but I'm a mayonnaise guy. Like, I like, if I had to pick, I don't ever think to get miracle whip, you know why? Because it's too much of that flavor.

Like, I don't want that all, I want that on a sandwich every once in a while. I don't want it enough to have like a big fucking jar of it. Okay, good, very good. That's a point right there. Yeah, we're very anti- I don't want this.

Liberal mayonnaise. Let's talk about some of the standards here, some of the basics. What was the name of the street that you grew up on? Well, I grew up on two streets. One of them was called Country Manor Road. That sounds pretty clis. Anything with a manner in it.

Yeah, that stopped bad. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does, but it's fine. It was not top notch. And then the other one was on Dante Drive. Dante Drive. On Dante, which is like, it means a rapid pace. It's like a musical term.

That's pretty classy. They sound like fucking gated estates. Okay, so my neighborhood was like a subdivision that turned into not a nice subdivision. Like, do you understand, like, Ah, like when Marty McFly came back. We didn't really get the strip mall around here that we were hoping for, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On Dante Drive. That's pretty good. That's pretty classy. Was it a single family home? Yeah. Like a single family home. Yeah, like it was just a regular home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a regular home. Did you have a garage? We did have a garage. Was there a refrigerator in that garage? Freezer. Freezer, not bad, not bad. At different points, the garage had a fridge in it, I'm sure.

Inside that fridge was? Like, mom's diet coaxed, because she would take them, she would have one at work. But there wasn't a lot of drinking in the house. Okay. And then like, it was always just like, rain or ship, I would remember like,

somebody would be like, put it in the outside fridge, or put it in the garage, you know, the garage fridge, and then it would just stay there, and then it would just turn into a bed. That definitely happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me stays in the freezer for like four years. And then they'd be like, go clean out the fridge, and you're like, ah. Oh, did you turn it off? I think this was up in the summer. Yeah, yeah. That smell too.

Every garage fridge smells exactly the same. Yeah, like wet damp butt. Mine always just has water in it. Yeah, it's very like, yeah, it's very, oh, rancid. It always smells rancid. All right, so we'll give you that. Garage fridge is a big thing on the podcast.

Having a garage fridge. It's a cheap person. It's like, it's like, it's a poor person mentality kind of, or just like a trashy thing, because it's like, nobody ever buys a second fridge for the garage. It's always just like a leftover.

Yeah, like somebody wants one. When they found it in the trash. Somebody, I'm buying a new fridge, does somebody want this fridge? Yeah, some people go like, oh, I gotta take it. It's big and it's, you know. And where are you from?

We're from Philly. You're both from outside, yeah. So is that a Philly thing? It's a big suburban thing we're finding out there. Yeah, yeah. I also find like it's a Midwest thing. Cause he would just like, we would just sit in the garage and like,

lightning storms, rain, like you just kind of sit out there and bullshit. Yeah, yeah, that was big. Smoking cigs or drinking and stuff. Dude, we used to have some, some of my buddies had couches in the garage, like that they would find in the trash or whatever. And you just post up and hang out there.

My grandfather was like very organized, but he had a fridges garage, but even everything looked like it wasn't a convenience store in the fridge. That's what we're talking about. That's what we're looking for. That's a bunch of fucking beers, some sodas, some Capri Suns,

a couple of ice pops for the kids in the freezer. Looks like an episode of Cribs. I like to sit and watch in the storm. That's fucking great. It's nice. It's nice. Especially like you don't see the appeal in it when you're 10, but you do when you're like,

when you're getting out, when you're about to leave where you're from. Sure. And then also like when you're older, you're just like, I just don't want noise. Like sit and listen to the thunder. I remember as a kid, we sat, we set up chairs the one time.

We were like probably 13 or something. We set up chairs in the garage and me and my four friends just each picked like to argue over something. We just took points to it. Like, I think the best guitarist is Hendrix and somebody's like, no, Clapton. Even if you didn't really think that, we just argued.

And I'm like, maybe I've been a comedian this whole time. It's like four people sitting around arguing. That's the dialogue I have all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, that's why I enjoyed it so much. Clapton and Hendrix. So what are you arguing with your dad? I'm like, that's the fucking...

We were in a classic rock, man. Jesus. More of an Al Jolson guy, to be honest with you. Alrighty, so we got that. We got the garage fridge. What was the name of the grocery store that you went to as a kid that your mother went to? Do you remember?

Well, there are a few. Okay. Walmart is like a go, of course, but yeah. There's an Albertsons, which is like... Albertsons is good, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, exactly. There's also a company called Food Lion. Food Lion? Food Lion.

Yeah. But Food Lion got in trouble in the 80s. Yeah, and they didn't last long in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they were just like, we don't clean our butcher's like... Is that what it was? They were rewrapping meat. Yeah, that was a big part.

And they weren't like, they just had terrible like standard like practices. Yeah, yeah. But like that Food Lion was like the dog shit one. Yeah, Food Lion is the one who got turned into a giant Goodwill. So like that... Ah, that's what you really were.

What you remain at, what do you see? When you see existing, what your remains become is a big indicator. Yeah, whatever you get reincarnated as. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, this whole blockbuster is a tax repair shop and also... That's always so trashy.

There's a... They moved the Burger King in my town from one building to the next and they left the structure there and then it became like a dry cleaners, which nobody went to. Because why the fuck are you... It's like you're getting your clothes dry clean.

Because they have a drive-through. Cause that's true. Like I said... Yeah, easy, yeah. That's a lot of real estate stuff, bro. Everything smells flavorful. My friend used to work at a dry cleaners and they used to rob it fucking blind all the time.

That's interesting. For money or clothes. For money. Both, both, yeah. And services. Wow. Yeah. That's great.

Yeah. Dude, I remember the one time... Cause if shit got left for a while, you were like, I'm fucking... Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. And then money was like people would pay in cash and you'd be like, it's $24

and they'd be like, it's $25, here's a tip. And then we'd just put 25 bucks in your pocket and tear up the ticket. Oh, that's great, dude. That's the best. Running a scam at the dry cleaners. They were, I, yeah, that's fucking... That's new level garbage.

That's right. It was right outside of a gated community, too. It was like poor kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Walking around in sequined shirts. Yeah, you're like, let me, I'm Bill's dad. I'm Rich Bill's dad. My mom looks like what?

Dude, I remember taking my clothes into a dry cleaner the one time and the guy was so excited about this new shirt that I just got that I'm like, this guy's totally gonna be wearing my shirt when I walk out of here. And I took my stuff and I left. I'm like, dude, there's no way I'm...

He was like holding it up. He's like, oh, this one's nice. Where'd you get this? And I'm like, you're getting way too friendly with my pocket pocket bags. That's like that Seinfeld episode where he catches them at the movies when I put the ticket in his pocket.

My best friend, Davis, he worked at that dry cleaners. And the guy who owned the strip clubs in town would get his shit dry cleaned there. And he dropped it off. People always leave shit in the pockets. And Davis was like, he goes, he runs out, guy gets his clothes, and then he just runs out chasing them and goes,

hey, hey, hey. He goes, you left this in your order and it was just like a bag of coke. Bag of blow? Yeah, yeah. That would have been disappeared, I'll tell you. Well, I'm Philly. Take that home, split it up with the family.

Six is lost again. Ah, it's too good. All right, I got one. All right, so the grocery stores, that's pretty respectable. Albertson's good. I used to wear it at Albertson's. What is some of the trashier ones you've got?

Giants, pretty bad. What you might not know, there's, yeah. Key foods is tough. Key foods is not a great establishment. Key foods near me now. Yeah, it also shows you kind of, your neighborhood that you live in as well. Key foods are individually owned, we found out.

So it's just a franchise. So it's a franchise. So you can get really nice ones. Like there's some really nice ones out there. People who put money in them. Yeah, like City Fresh is kind of that way too, right? Yeah, exactly, exactly. But like the real garbage answers,

if like you hear somebody say like a, you know, like a single store operation. Like Ned's, there's a Roovers or something like that. Like Dave's grocery store. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a shop right and keep it moving. And they say like baking soda, baking flour, same thing. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. All right, let's see. Have you ever owned a George Forman Grill? I have, personally. Yeah. I have. Not growing up. Not growing up, but yeah, I made real good use out of it.

If you grew up with a George Forman Grill, if you were me. Stop talking to your parents. Yeah, if you were cooking Sunday dinner on the forman. They've done you, they've done you no favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did have an equity sandwich maker. What is it?

Which was pretty trashy. One of those things you order off TV. And it looked like a waffle press, but it was to put two pieces of white bread, ham and cheese. And then it had like, the thing that like smushed it down, it gave the bread like a little bit of like a flour design on it.

So we thought it was classy. Yeah. Well, that's what you do. What else are you going to do on Easter? Yeah. Pull out all the stops. I got to make 900 small sandwiches. My mom did that one.

She was like, this bouquet of sandwiches. This cream cheese. She's fucking craft singles and he's like, yeah. How do you feel about the craft single? It's, it's not good solo, but it's never like, I don't like it so. What do you mean? Opening up a pop and run.

Yeah, I completely agree. Disagree, both these. That tastes like the color orange. Yes, it's like, you feel it's so processed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not, it's like, it tastes like like, you know, when you look at somebody on the bus and you like, you look at their feet and their ankles and you're like, that's all shiny.

Yeah. You're like, that's what that takes. That's not, yeah, exactly. That's like, this is like. Sweating out a lot of lunch meats. Yeah, God. But yeah, no, no, I like it. I'll take it on something like in a trash sandwich.

But it's usually, you can't put craft singles on like a good cut of meat. Yeah, it's got to be belted. Like, you know, like, yeah, like it's got to be like, ham, cheese, maybe, maybe turkey. Yeah. Or baloney, but you can't like be like, oh, like if I have like,

super set or like a nice cure. No, of course. Yeah, so like, if it can't, I'm telling you, if it can't go with something nice, then it is not nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'll give you that. Yeah, you're not putting fucking craft singles. Very well said, Mr. Torres.

I'm gonna put these $20,000 rims on my fucking Subaru. But if you're making a fucking grilled cheese with some white bread. Yeah. Even then, I'm like, I need more, like how many slices will you put on a, how many slices of craft singles will you put on a white bread grilled cheese?

Two. Two. Oh God, I need more than that. It gets too gooey though. Yeah, I need three, I think. I need, because like, I'm like, this is already bad for me and this is not enough. It's not filling enough for me.

Like, I might try three next time. Yeah, trust me, you gotta do a tri-fold. What was your go-to cheese growing up like? What would your mom buy? A block of orange. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Because she grew up like, you know, it's dairy farmers, a lot of them in Ireland stuff. So like, she's a good cheese and good butter was not like even available in comparison. Right. Yeah, so like. It was, this is, we can get a lot of this for kids. There's no cherry gold butter in Port Worth, Canada.

No. Not like you're like, you know. Shout out the cherry gold, they're great. It's country crock. It's crock is in the title for, let's say. Ooh, you were a cut your crock. Were you margarine or butter? Both, I had both, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very interesting. Yeah, it's whole 2% or skim milk in your house. Come on. Mom's house. I thought we were friends. Come in here, fucking embarrass us on our own show. Fucking whole or two, that's it.

Yeah, I was, I don't even think we went to two. Like. You were whole all the way through? Yeah. Dude. We're going to, we're going to say that to the end. We only put it in cereal. I would never drink milk.

I think that's fucking disgusting. Thank you. Thank you. One of the big questions on this is growing up. Dylan's clapping. Growing up, he ate, he would drink milk with dinner. And he still does. He'd sit down and have pasta or a lasagna

and a glass of fucking 2%. That's fucking insane. Thank you. Get out of here. It's very decisive on the podcast. There's fucking a whole, It's divisive, not decisive, divisive. He's straight too much milk.

He's all hopped up like 2%. Divisive, not decisive. It's decaffeinated. I guess it could be decisive, really. It's decisive in his head. There's team milk and then there's no team milk. Team milk is already a disgusting thing. But hold on.

It's a bad team to be on. This is interesting. All right, because he says he loves milk, he's a whole milk guy. First of all, I didn't say I love milk. I said I had it with cereal and I had whole milk. He said he would never drink it. He said he doesn't just drink it.

That's what I'm saying. He puts it in his cereal but he doesn't drink it, but he likes the whole thing. It's an ingredient. Oh yeah, I am a whole milkman. A whole milkman. That throws me off though. I can't believe that is crazy to me

that you'll have something as heavy as a pasta dish. People around the country love it. It's crazy. Yeah, it's a big thing. Is that a thing people do? Oh yeah. Dude, this is literally the most... But I mean, I'll have iced tea with pasta.

So that's also a weird problem. No, that's not that way. And I'll say this. Listen, full honesty, you're presenting as a gentleman here, okay? Not liking milk with dinner, I would say, is a gentleman thing. All right, now I can score any points at me.

I'll tell you that, no buddy. I'll down a couple notches in the personal Foley book. All right, I'll see you on the B60 bus. The milk with fucking pasta is fantastic. It does seem like it goes together, but it just seems like so much. It's not the flavor thing. It just seems like it's too much.

It's a lot. It seems so heavy to me. You know when people say like, I like it, but it's too rich. I've never met anything where I was like, oh, it's too rich. Or too sweet. Or too sweet.

Yeah, I don't care how thick the lava cake is. It's never too rich or thick. That's crazy. I don't even get that concept when people say, I'm not gonna have that because it's too heavy or it's too rich. That's how fat I am. I don't know, man.

It's not a taste thing. The genetics have taken over at this point. Starwinism at this point. It just seems so intense, but I also overeat like crazy on certain stuff too. What's your go-to? If it's Mexican food, I'll just punish it. Yeah.

Yeah, like it's like. It's so good. And it's the most snackable of all, like cuisines I feel like. But you can always like, I'm gonna have another street taco. I'm gonna have more chips and queso and more chips and salsa. Chips and salsa and chips and guac.

Don't even register as part of the meal tip. Yeah, I put, I had to count them in my calorie thing and it's always terrible. I have a question about that. You go out to a Mexican place, they bring out the drinks, you're waiting on your food. What's an acceptable rounds of chips and salsa? For me, there is no limit.

Like. Okay. But I'll probably go through two rounds, three, the entree. And then I'll be like, give me some more chips, I'm gonna. Oh, dude. You gotta clean up the plate a little bit

or whatever you got going. That's my biggest gripe. When they try to take the chips and salsa away when the fucking entree is coming. No, no, no, no, no. I wanna fucking. What are you thinking? Yeah, then I wanna take that salsa and pour it on my shit.

That's my favorite. Yeah, like I like. Yeah, and I fucking smash salsa like crazy. All right, now we're getting fucking something. He's pretty classy, I gotta say. He's pretty classy. He's pretty classy. This is like, I wanna know who was like,

you guys are like, hey. There's been a lot. Right now I'm like, this is not a behavior that's like acceptable. Oh no, yeah, you seem pretty straight laced in that sense. So far. Logically coming to conclusions. Yeah, I didn't even have Velcro on his shoes,

it's practically a Kennedy. Ah, okay, let's see. So why we're on food? Let's say you're at your local mall's food court, right? All right, I work that one. Hanging out. You worked at a food court. Yeah, we'll get into that.

After a long day of shopping. Put a bin in that. It's dinner time. Where do you get, one place, where do you get dinner? Okay. So what's your go-to food court spot? Oh, I'm picturing the Hewan Mall food court in my head. Well, you know what?

To be fair, why don't you hit us with what kind of array we have at this particular mall's food court? Heidi's frozen yogurt and ice cream. Okay. Hot dog on a stick. Hot dogs, yeah, always a hot dog place. Like there was a Philly sub place.

Okay. There was a pizza joint, same. Sparrow? Like a kind of like a sparrows, but definitely not. It was called Cazoles, which is not. But it was like, this is also Texas. So it's not gonna be like,

the sparrows would be like good pizza. Gourmet pizza. Really? Chick-fil-A. Nice. Fruit Lottie, which was like a smoothie place. Okay. Opa, which was the Greek place.

Oh, a Greek place. Greek place in the food. But like Greek like. Suflaki in the Euro. Mostly Euros. Yeah, mostly Euros. But still for a mall. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. You're missing one that usually is everywhere. And then there was probably a few kind of like, other like random places that would turn over. Rotating places. Wait, no walk and roll? No Chinese? Panda Express, I think is what we had.

Yeah. Panda Express? Yeah, I think that's what we had. I think that's what we had. Is this a fancy mall? No. I don't know, Panda Express. I go there for fucking Thanksgiving.

Yeah, but this is further west. Panda Express comes from the West Coast. That's true. So yeah, it's a little less special. Yeah, pretty sure it was Panda Express that we had. All right, so that's what we're working with. What are you leaning towards? Oh, and Flamers was the burger joint.

Ooh, that sounds like a good burger joint. Let me tell you something. Flamers ain't too shabby. They know their way around a fling grill burger, I'll tell you that. I'll probably say one with, because always the pizza place. Always, yeah.

Because like pizza's still always kind of good. Even when a dollar slice is still better than a dollar version of any of those other things. One hundred percent. A dollar Euro? Yeah, yeah. There's a fucking corner on that. Just a cup of yogurt.

Dude, I'm big on the pizza. It can't be, there's like, I've eaten fucking... There's incredible pizza, and there is pizza that is a bad version of it, but it's still... But it's still fucking pizza, man. Yeah, but it's like I'm like, cause also when I was a kid,

when I would go eat at a mall, bargain is king. So like what you're spending, if I have five dollars, Right. More is like what is valuable as opposed to, So if there was like three cheese slices for five bucks. Yeah.

And a soda, that's what you did. Yeah. You're going for that. And the slices at the mall are huge. Yeah. They're massive. You get the big fucking trays are hanging over the side.

You pull up at a dirty table fucking for 10 minutes. The father and son, I ended up working for them. The father and son, there would like toss the pizza dough back and forth. They were great at it. Oh, really? Could you do that? I could start, I could stretch dough,

but I wasn't very good at like, at one point I could like toss it up a little, but I was not like very good. But they were, Mo and Boz would like do it. Mo and Boz. Yeah. And they would throw it behind their backs

and stuff to one another. That's pretty fucking good. Yeah. And they were shabby. All right. Is that an acceptable answer? Yeah. For sure.

You never go like Derby dog or the fucking, Hot dog was weird. Yeah. Hot dog at a mall now, I'm not doing it. I go Chinese. That's what I do. Yeah. Chinese is great cause you also get variants.

Yeah. Which is like, do I have enough for the egg roll when you're 12? Yeah. Yeah. You're like, what's the tax? What's going on? Yeah.

Like I remember one time I was like ordering, I was like, how much is a medium Dr. Pepper? And they're like, it's like $1.50. And I was like, well, how much is a medium cherry coke? And they're like, it's size. It's not like, it's not gold and silver. It's not like. He's not charging for all 23 flavors.

Yeah. I just want sugar water. I don't care which brand. Just give me a taste. You got a discount if it's diet. What's the deal over here? You know what, especially as a kid, if I wasn't sure what it was going to come out to,

like cause like the total, like I would leave the soda out and then find out if I had enough change afterwards. Ah. You know what I mean? Like, oh, well I do have $1.72. You know what? Can you add a small coke to that?

Yeah. I forgot that I wanted a drink. I knew the whole time I wanted a fucking drink. Why don't you throw a drink on that? Take a little something for yourself, too. A good kid, huh? Just get yourself a Phantom. If this portion works out for us.

I'll come back by the whole joint. Let's switch gears a little bit here. Ray's Catholic. Yeah. All right, Christmas. Big thing. Yeah, pretty big, I think. Yeah.

Would you go, how would your mom do the decorations at Christmas? We do a tree, you know, like it's always the same decorations. Sure. Yeah, yeah, you don't like. They're from the 70s. Yeah, and we had,

there is like, I would say it's pretty really, like we had a manger scene. Like it was more like family shit, religious shit than like, this is a big massive fucking Christmas. Sure. Stockings, but that was like, nothing was crazy as far as decorations.

Was the manger scene outside? No, it's like a small, like. So you didn't set up a manger scene out in the lawn? No, that's garbage. That's the weirdest shit. That's the weirdest trashiest shit. They don't seem like the live mangers. Those are so weird.

They're so weird, dude. We used to like go steal Santa Clauses all the time. Yeah, for sure. We used to set the reindeer, cause people like reindeer got big at one time. Like they were fucking. And we'd set them up like they were fucking. And we thought it, we would just like get a joint

and then set reindeer up like they're fucking. It was the funniest thing in the world. Gang, it's summertime. And I don't think there's a better way to celebrate your freedom than going to YoCratom.com and getting yourself a 60 dollar kilo. That's the world's best value on Kratom. Ship right to your door.

No questions asked. Now, if you never heard of Kratom before, ignore this ad. We're not talking to you. No reason to hear this or to try Kratom. Keep it moving. But if you are a currently, a currently a fan of Kratom,

then celebrate your freedom at YoCratom.com. Home of the 60 dollar kilo. That's Broncos, which is unheard of. YoCratom.com is one of the biggest sellers of Kratom nationwide and made YoCratom.com. So you can buy directly at wholesale prices. This is quality Kratom. We've heard feedback from other fans

and they confirm it solid. And like I said, this is the only place where you'll find kilos for 60 dollars, 60 clams, 60 beans. So last time, if you are currently a fan of Kratom, go to YoCratom.com and get yourself a 60 dollar kilo. Now back to the show. Would your mom do white lights or colored lights? Colored lights.

Okay. It's trashy. It's a little trashy. You know. White is the more solid. White is the more solid. Yeah. The classic elegant.

I think the white ones, it's not that they don't look nicer, but they also look staler to me. They look like. For sure. They look like, don't touch this. That's what the white ones look like. I'll give you that.

I'll give you that. We always win. That's the one thing about my mom. Give it up for her. Blinking is trashy. Blinking up. Come on. We wouldn't even have you in here.

We already knew that. We did research. Blinking. They got the front door. Blinking. Come on. Oh God. Fucking get out of here.

Did you guys have a nice neighborhood where people really went nuts on their Christmas trees? There was always a couple of places. Yeah. Like there was always one big house at like. Yeah. People would drive it for miles around. Would just go like a couple of neighborhoods

and they were just like, this neighborhood called like Interlochen I think is what it was called. Okay. And it was just like, everybody was trying to outdo everyone and spending. Yeah. You could get garbage with that.

Sure. It gets Griswold-y. Yeah. But I think. But Griswold-y, they never seem. They never seem garbage-y to me. The Griswold. No.

Because it was his intent. He just, he wanted like pure fun. It was like, you know. Plus he made a little bit of cash too. He had a good job. Yeah. Clark Clark. I had to pay that electric bill.

Joey of the month club gifts are too. That's right. But I always thought- I was bought a Griswold jersey last year at a mall. A jersey? Yeah. Cause they had a Griswold Blackhawks jersey. Yeah.

He wore it in the movie. Yeah. I almost bought one. I was like, this is like way too much. I can't spend $200 on this. Yeah. Those jerseys are expensive. I don't even have a wife to get mad at me for spending money.

Yeah. I always thought it was real classy. The first neighborhood that when I was born, what they would do is the whole neighborhood, you gotta get everybody together. They put the sand and the candle in a brown paper bag and they would light the neighborhood like that. We did that.

We stayed there. I always think that reminds me of like Arizona Desert Trash for some reason. Ha ha ha ha ha. Arizona Desert Trash. It just, it seems very like, I don't know, like Christmas, our energy's at a premium here. Ha ha ha ha.

We can't have any more brownouts. Go start, go start. So they just like, we're just gonna like, we're gonna put sand in a bag and light it on fire. Go light the bushes on fire. Small and cold fires in the street. Yeah, yeah. It was like, how does that ever happen in Arizona?

That's funny. And would you guys open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? One present Christmas Eve, the rest Christmas morning. Very nice. Fuck in class. We would have people over on Christmas Eve. Like my parents were like,

we would make tamales and stuff like that. So they're very, yeah. Yeah, they're very Texas kind of Christmas-y stuff. That's awesome. I love, I love, because we have like such of the traditional Christmas, you know, Northeast growing up. So it's like, anything.

That always seems so foreign to me as a child. Yeah. Yeah, like Christmas hand, you know, like, it's like a weird thing to me. What would be your Christmas day? Well, I guess Turkey if we're going that route, but like tamales are like a gift, like sometimes. Like, you will like make a bunch of them

and give them to people. It's like, it's very- That's pretty good. Yeah. And like, the great, a lot of effort goes into them. They're hard to cut. You know, it's a very- I'm digging that.

Yeah. There's a lady that sells them, there's a trade fair on 30th Ave and 31st Street. And there's a woman that sells them out of a cooler Saturday and Sunday morning for like two hours, they're gone. They are fucking unbelievable. They kill them?

Yeah. Oh my God. Have you ever been to Chicago when the tamale guy shows up at the- No. If you're doing like any of the indie shows in Chicago, like tamale guy will show up at some of them and- Fuck, he kills them.

They're really good. They're so good. I like that. See something. Who was the better cook? Your mom or your dad? Fuck. Dad was pretty good cook.

It was a lot of times it was like, sometimes he would be like, we're having goulash for dinner and that's just like hamburger helper with extra tomatoes. I'll tell you what, I'm wrong with it. I remember it was like, what the fuck is goulash? Were you a hamburger helper kid? On more than one occasion I had hamburger helper.

I liked that he kind of hit the Southern accent. On more than one occasion. Really hit the troll. It falls out of me sometimes. Yeah, he looked at you like a little lady, for sure. Tipped his hat. Don't come over here shitting your hat

and calling it sugar. Gentlemen take care. You got damn right I had it. What kind of mac and cheese were you? Were you Velveeta, Kraft or store brand? I feel like it was, fuck. Velveeta and shells was like, man that's a-

Dude that's fucking- That's great. You're a fucking rich kid. What do you have? Velveeta's and shells, Jesus. That wasn't, hold on, I'm sorry. That's what we had at Christmas. It was my birthday.

It was my communion, all right Jerkoff? Velveeta and shells, that's the Cadillac. Velveeta and shells is the Cadillac. But like, I think we were like, Kraft and off brand store. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, cause like, you know when you don't like you're like, you're just like, I'm gonna buy into consumerism

as a nine year old. And you'd be like, let's get this one. And she's like, get that one, it's five for a dollar. Yes, dude they were always so cheap, you would've come home with like 10 of them. Like fuck, it's gonna be another two months until I get Velveeta. I do swear by that a lot.

It's funny you bring that up, like not blaming, but like one of the reasons why I feel like I do have this relationship with food that I have, is advertising when I was a kid. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it really fucking got me. And like, cause it triggers,

like if I have Hidden Valley Ranch, you know, I go back to the commercial and I feel like I'm in the commercial. No, am I allowed to buy the asshole? Well like, I had it with certain things. Okay. Yeah, like fucking. Like when you crack open a Pepsi or a Coke

and it's like fizzing, they got you. Yeah, I like, I would be this, and I don't know fucking why, but the bakery in my grocery store would have the glazed donuts. God, damn it, dog. There's something about it. And the box was different

cause it was like, it was like a long box. It was like, and it would be like, they would be stacked. Oh my fucking God. I would just go, I remember like one of like, my dad was like, all right, I gotta go to work. What do you, it was like summer. And I was like, he was like, I'm gonna take you to the store

to get some something real quick to eat or whatever. And I was like, and he got me a box of donuts and a cherry Coke. And I was just like, what the fuck in that? He does it every day. Still, that's awesome, dude. A box of glazed donuts and a fucking whole cherry Coke. From the grocery store, cause they had like a...

Yeah, movie section. Yeah, that's great. And we just went fucking nuts. There is something about being home alone in the summer. Your parents are at work. The AC is pumping and you're watching like fucking police academy or something like that. It seems like those days were fucking 100 hours long.

Yeah. The stuff you would do when you were just in your house and be like, is that even noon yet? I mean, I've had three pizzas. I can't believe I used to get up before noon. That is pretty good. I get up so fucking late, like getting out of bed now. I'm just like, it's always just like a fucking.

I was like, why can't I wake up at any kind of reasonable hour? Yeah, it's tough. But as a little kid, you'd wake up at eight with absolutely nothing to fucking do. And just be like, I have all this energy. We're running. Yeah.

Let's get to the store. Get the glazed doughnuts. Get the fucking Jerry Coke. God, I gotta watch this Jim Belushi movie. OK. All right. Very interesting. What was the pet situation at the Torres House?

Always dogs. Always had dogs. OK. What kind of dogs? They would show up. Yeah, just random dogs. Oh, SPC rescues. I think they would just.

No, wait. What do you mean, just show up? Like there's like a stray and they're like, no, that's our new dog. What? Wow, that's an RU garbage first. Holy straight dog household. You're picking up transient dogs

and having them stay with you? Sorry that we're like hard, like you Northeasters. We love animals where I'm from. We don't just look and. Wait a minute. We just don't. We're from the Billy. We don't just bed on them.

If there's a dog loose on the street, you locked a fucking door. Yeah, you're calling the cops. Wait, so dog, where would they come from? Yeah, so they just find a stray. That's gotta be a Texas. That's crazy. And that's crazy.

Yeah, you can just get straight. You're like, oh, this is a sweet puppy. Like it looks mangy and hungry. Just want some food, probably, you know, like. Would they stay in the house like that? Yeah, because they like, they're not why they just need to be kind of broken in a little bit. You know, like.

Man, that is some fucking good old boy shit. I love it. I mean, then later on, we got a few dogs from like. My brother would come home. We have pits. We have a few pits. OK. It's nice.

Yeah. And then some just like kind of. Whatever, whatever. Yeah, yeah. That's very respectable. No lizards or anything. No snakes. No lizards.

Frogs. No snakes. That shit was never going to fly in my mother's house. Anything that was going to make the house smell was not going to be in the house. This guy's pretty fucking bulletproof at this point. And you're almost out of here, too. We did have a cat that was missing one of everything.

Like. She was used for parts? Ozzy was there. It was just like this mangy orange kind of like fucking missing one of kind of cat. You know, and just like missing an eye, like clipped ear, part of a tail. Damn.

Yeah, like it smelled horrible. Well, that was an outside cat. But the stories he told when he was drunk. Yeah. Back in the city when he was in a service. Playing the blues out on the porch. What would you do with the pets when they die? Would you bury them on the property?

No, because it wasn't like that kind of. Sure. It wasn't like that big of a play. Couple we took to vets. Like the first dog we buried on my dad's friends' parents' property. So like my dad's best friend, his parents had a farm. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

So we buried it out there. But yeah, the first family dog, I remember like dying and being very upset over. Yeah. Yeah. And then we buried her out there. Yeah. And there was like a, there's like a bowl and everything

out there. It was like a, you know, like it was a kind of a ranch. Pet cemetery. That's a sad story. But that's pretty garbage. Your dad's friends' parents' yard. That's a little different, though. It's Texas.

Yeah. What was that? Nobody from Philly has ever been like my dad's friends' parents have a meat guy that I can hook you up. You feel pretty garbage. My mom's best friends a meat guy. Yes, for sure. Sorry.

Sorry I'm not from Delco property. It's just you, but I'll go work at the lumber yard with all the other trashy fucks who drink too much, who are going to marry some woman that my friend had sex with in high school. Let me tell you something, if my dad's friends' parents didn't have a fucking meat connection, there'd be a fucking problem.

All right, point taken. It's a farm. It's Texas. It's different. It's not a farm. It wasn't out there fucking. It isn't the unforgiven. It's just like more space.

Sure, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand. There's like three patches and a rusty in my mom's backyard still. Yeah, to me, it's much trashier that you bury the dog at your end. Of course, 100% is trashy.

I think it's very respectable and very logical. All right, he makes it sound very nice to me. Sorry we didn't just bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa, like a fucking East Coast dickhead. Everybody knows he's in the Midwest. I've seen the Irishman. Yeah, oh god. We've got to get another trash movie.

Why didn't you get somebody younger to play? Yeah, it was just like, oh god, it's so long. And just like when he was on those little wet rocks, I was worried for him. He was throwing the gun away. I was like, he looked so old. He looked way too old. And half of it was them driving around

and saying, look at those old people driving somewhere. Checking in the hotels. Yeah, people love seeing that in real life. How could this not be compelling? Eggnog family? No. No. Just kidding, check it out.

I love Eggnog. I really do. But that's like, I think that's more of an East Coast thing too, maybe in the West, because it's not. First time I had it, I was like, oh, shit, this is great. Yeah. But it wasn't like I think people made. Wasn't around.

There wasn't a recipe for it or anything like that, yeah. Ever been involved in a bikini car wash? I can't recall, but I would bet that I have. OK. Happened so many times. Who remembers every fist fight they were in? Growing up, did your mom cut your hair? She had.

She had. Once or twice, but yeah. Did you ever cut your mom's hair? No, all right. Cool. Checks out, all right. I got a hand. What fucking mother would let their son cut their hair?

A lot of people in Bluebell Pennsylvania. A lot of people in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. Mom needs a trim before happy hours. You got to do her up nice. Got to go find you a new dad. Cut mama's hair. Yeah, go get the rakes in the closet. Got to go get the hedge trim.

Is that the real thing? That's fucking certainly not a no. That's so crazy. Have you ever used spray on deodorant? Oh, for sure, yeah. Me too. I thought it was the cool. I thought it was it.

You ever put it on the Nethers? Yeah, it's cold. Yeah, but it works. Keeps it fresh. I use an anti-chafing stick now. I used to put cologne down there, but I gave a girl a urinary tract infection. Tell me, explain this anti-chafing stick.

I'm listening. You've piqued my interest over here, Mr. Foley. You don't use it? Oh, it's a game changer. Go on Amazon, anti-chafing. It looks like a deodorant stick. Gold Bond makes one. That's pretty good.

You got a shower. What's the brand I don't want to go with? Don't go with the Velveeta brand. Craft Singles makes one that's OK. And you just rub it in there, and it keeps everything dry. So you don't get that rubbing together and the itchy shit. Hate that. For the crotch-rotch.

Man, I used to get it so bad when I was a kid at the beach. Fucking brutal. Just waddling down the fucking boardwalk. You're walking weird. Yeah, and everybody knows. And you're trying not to, and everybody's like that poor kid is burning. Yeah.

Got a fucking jetty in your drawers. A couple of sane crabs floating around. All the fun of a fucking urinary tract infection without any other plug. Shit. When was the last time you had Mountain Dew? Long time. OK.

When was the last time you had Vanilla Coke? Seriously considered it the other day, but I don't know. It's great. It's great. No, it's trash. No, it's great. Vanilla Coke's also. It's the same of a lot of flavor again.

Like, I do like it. But it's a lot of vanilla. And so much that I'm like, I just want more Coke than vanilla. So when I get to it, I go Coke. They got it right with cherry. Cherry's the perfect. Cherry's the best one for sure.

Cherry's the perfect amount of fucking cherry. But you know those super soda machines that you can add all the different flavors? They're not great. They fucked up. They fucked up. They're all fucked up. I think he was just about to say he does all the flavors.

I do like quite a bit. You put them all. No, no, I don't put all of them in there. No, what am I? But some? What do you want to say? Gentlemen, please. Please, please.

But I'm that guy who jumped out of space to Earth. Oh, my God. Torez, he flew too close to the sun. He can never have to go searing it. Flashed out in the Gulf of Mexico. They found 20 grams of blue raspberry in a man. I got hooked on vanilla Coke when they were launching it. I was in New York and it was a it was Labor Day

or whatever Fleet Week is. Launching it. He talks about new sodas like they were sending fucking spacecraft out. It was Fleet Week on the West Side because we were doing tours of all the ships. And it was probably like 100 degrees outside. How old were you?

Probably 26, 27. I lived up here for a few years before I did comedy then I moved to Philly and started doing comedy. But I was living up here. This was maybe like 2003, 2004. And they were giving away ice cold cans. I mean, they were in. That's the huge condensation.

Oh, just like you just punch your hand into a screaming cold fucking can of Coke. Put it on the back of your neck before you open it. I've never done that. You're hot and you're sweating. Just put it on the back of your neck. I did that with a bottle of water the other day. Yeah.

But dude, an ice cold screaming cold. That's how I got hooked on fucking the vanilla Coke. Yeah, there's moments in it. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking pretty good. OK, we got to wrap it up here. We got to wrap it up here.

We got to get you out of here. Can I ask you guys a question? Please. Of course. What's the classiest thing you do? The class? Like, as a me personally? Yeah.

I don't know if I do anything. I don't know if I do anything classy. What is something classy? What's the classiest thing you do? I make my bed every day. Wow. That's real classy. That's real classy.

I don't know if that is real classy, but that's the thing. I'm like, this is a nice thing I like to do. No, that's very good. Yeah, no, that's really classy. I just want a little palate cleanser about all the gross shit I do very much. I don't think I do anything classy.

I think I choose to do things not trashy, but just do them normal, if that makes sense. If it's like a scale, I'm predisposed to do everything trashy, and it takes me a lot to do something just kind of normal middle of the roadish. So there's no ceiling, but there is a floor? Yes, for sure, for sure, for sure. I have a houseplant that I take pretty good care of.

Does that count? Yeah, I think so. Dude, we all fucking scumbags. To me, that actually counts. Yeah, I've never had a houseplant that lived. We do, take good care of it. I water it every day, and I even went and got a water bottle where I spray the leaves.

Water bottle. Geez, fucking mushroom. I just blew it, Union members. I go over there and get some water bottles, water bottles. But I'll tell you what, that's something we got to think about. That's a fucking really, really great question. I tip well.

Yeah, I tip well. East Coasters always tip well. I will, like people from the East Coast, generally speaking, are very good tip. It's because we all, everybody is like the wise guy, you know, mafia thing. I also think it's just like you got, restaurant culture is like much bigger up here.

I mean, it's big everywhere for sure, and it's big in text, but it's like, I feel like East Coast people will just always know somebody whose mom worked in a restaurant or got, yeah, and what, yeah. Sure. Yeah, hold the door open for people. That's just common courtesy.

Yeah, this is the manners. That's like, yeah, it's not, unless you like bow after you do it. Yeah, welcome. How was your day, Mr. Wright? Welcome to Gas Digital Studios. I was trying to think of something else classy I do. I love people in, if they want to get in.

That's not dude. That's nice guy stuff. You wear a nice watch? It's a nice watch. Is that classy? I watch this to me or big class. I think it's trash. Stole from a Walmart two years ago.

Never saw it. Got it off at that time. Where's there a Walmart in New York? I don't go the way Whitestone to get this done. All right, I got to say it, Shane Torres, fucking classy. He's fucking all classy. Yeah, I was not expecting this at all.

He's got a good head on his shoulders. At all, at all. I mean, where you came in with it. Well, I took the points, they were due. You shouldn't have taken the fucking money line, fuck. Yeah, man, the taquitos obviously, but whatever, that's a food. Yeah, I came in, I was a very high draft picked

and then I fizzled out right before the fucking All Star game. I'm gonna say, not shocked at a lot of the answers, but your defensive position on things, I think, you know, and your reasoning for everything you do. It's all flawless. Yeah, it's fucking-

All from a good place. Yeah, honestly. What was the trashiest thing I did? The sodas is pretty bad, but like all with like, I mean, all the food choices were good. Yeah, I mean, we're not gonna hold you over the coals for fucking, for liking extra chips and salsa or whatever. Or vanilla coke a couple of weeks ago.

I always got a few blemishes, you know what I mean? If you're like, I have it every day, I buy 12, but we're like anything. Didn't get you on the grocery store. You had the Velveeta, the colored lights at Christmas. You even flipped the argument on that, which I thought was pretty good, saying that you thought the white lights were stale.

I mean, have you ever ordered a girl's going wild DVDs? You ever kill a homeless guy, something. All right, now we're getting to the good stuff. Tell the next group to hang on a second. There's that courtyard out there that sits fine. Yeah, bulletproof. Yeah. Yeah, I have done, had a girl's gone wild DVDs.

That's all right, baby, Jesus Christ. I got it from a friend. I got it from a friend. Oh, you didn't bite, that's different. At some point. That's almost worse, don't you think? No, cause you get your hands on porn at a certain time period, that's all that matters.

Yeah, it's different for guys already. When you got your hand on one of those girls gone wild tapes. I only ever, that was off to the commercial. That was weird, forget it. What a weird thing. Yeah, looking back on that, that was real wronged. Yeah, that guy got like, sort of, yeah, they ran some, a dad ran into his house,

tied him up and sodomized him. I was like, how do you like it type thing? Jesus Christ, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, wait, it took a hard left on the end of the comic podcast. Funny guy over here, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Shane Torres.

Thank you, boys. 100% fucking class. I'm telling you right now. Appreciate it. Shane, anything you want the folks out there to know? You got coming up? Yeah, just, you know, next time, bring the kind of bottled water I want.

It's a 7-Eleven with tequito dust coming. When does this drop? This will be out Monday. Monday, yeah. If you are in New York, we do my show Good God on the roof of the Turks and outside, socially distanced, all that. On Wednesday nights, 8.30 at the Turks Inn. I also, Conan Colbert, I have some touring dates coming up.

Nice. But, you know, whatever people are coming up with, you know, whatever people are comfortable with, you know, I totally get it at this point. Yeah, I've not... I'm more of a live-in-person kind of person, and that turned out to be a huge fucking mistake for me. I really should have got into this,

made a stronger digital footprint than I have, because I have fucked myself out of a lot of... I was like, selling tickets, baby! Things are coming in! And then God took it all away. God damn it! Kippy, what do you got the folks out there need to know? Just always, as I said at the beginning,

please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, subscribe on YouTube, full video available there, and guest digital network for our catalogue of our past guests. You can subscribe there using promo code AYG. And at Kevin Ryan Comedy on all social media. Do it! Yes, sir. At H. Folia Nice on Twitter,

FoliGrams on Instagram. Just to reiterate everything Kevin said, please keep subscribing, keep following, keep sharing the podcast. We love each and every one of you guys. Thanks for tuning in with us every week. We got some big things coming up. And we love you.

Shane Torres. Appreciate you, boys. Fantastic. Thanks so much. Thank you guys. We'll see you next week, gang. Peace!