Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Sharing a Toothbrush!? w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Are You Garbage is back with a Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! NYC! Get Tickets to the Gramercy Show, Access Code: GARBAGE https://www.livenation.com/event/k7vGF99hSu4jM/are-you-garbage-podcast Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Ladder Life: https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE Go Factor: https://go.factor75.com/Garbage60 Promo Code: Garbage60 Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code AYG. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

We got our third show on sale right now at the Gramercy Theater, baby! Let's go! The Army of Garbage came correct in New York City. Sold out two shows, we added our third. Links in the description. Let's party, baby! Friday, February 3rd, we'll see you there. See you there.

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Oh, yeah.

It's a little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out that they're good to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Anthony's basement. She's upstairs.

Thank God, cleaning the place up. Okay. I'm tripping over catalytic converters up there. Okay. God's sake. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a good old fashioned family episode. Circle in the wagons.

He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. My best pal and I'll tell you this. Not a bad looking kid. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. That's the first time you ever said that. What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in.

As always, please make sure you rate, you subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are true. It's cooking. It's a good time. Closing on 110K over there. And obviously, the greatest gosh darn tootin' website item ever seen, www.patreon.com, such Are You Garbage.

Check it out, gang. We got bonus episodes over there. We got episodes of Hard Feelings, the runaway hit of 2023. I've heard episodes of Hard Feelings. We got a bunch of bonus content on there. We got us on a road. We've been flying New Guy Luke around the country with us. Wheels up.

And he's shooting a vlog. Wheels up is the vlog. We got a new one dropping soon. Breakfast with the boys. Where was that at? Breakfast for everybody in Rhode Island. Oh, not too bad with the cheesy eggs. I'll tell you that this kid.

Yeah. It's a good time over there on that Patreon. I love it. You love it. I just, I'm sorry. I think you swallowed your tongue finally. Or they were jumped out. Finally made a run.

And sign this season. What do you want? Gang, I want a nice quick shout out to our producer. You got your permit? Gang, I want a nice quick shout out to our producer. Short in there. The magic man makes us all look good. Works those ones and twos, crosses them, tees, and dots

at my eyes. Give it up for Toby McBowlin, everybody. Hey, what's up? What's up, T-Bone? You got a big man fuzzer. He didn't even hit me with a nickname. Oh, big, yeah. I sign this season, apparently.

I don't really jam you up. It's hard to get McScroffins out. Sounds like a hunting season. You know, it's sign of season, right? I'm all, you only got to keep two. I got a sign of smell on the hood of my car. Skittle season, duck season. I saw a bunch of deer streaming across the road up there

in Fort Washington as I was getting back on the turnpike. They're getting real. I was down there on bucks as well. I was down outside the old Philadelphia area. They're getting too down. We got foxes. Yeah, we got fox too. Never seen them.

Two foxes walking through my backyard. It's a bunch of babes. I lower my glasses. I grumble. Couple of, I ain't talking about a couple of birds that go to the beauty school either. Couple of foxes. That girl's a fox.

Oh, Fox was all right. That's how we do that to whoo. That girl's a fox. Shake off the heat. Yikes. Just two girls in those old thong bikinis. The hot like the fucking golden arch. The old headphones on with like the orange.

They got the high socks doing aerobics. What you looking at? Well, I'm going to get an orange Julius. Get you with that. Hey, Baldi, quit staring. Yeah, like you got a shot. Hey, you want one of those? Whatever.

I have my, I've mentioned her before. I might have said. The fox that got away. Trisha, I still love you. It's good. No. Talk about the fox in the held. Who now?

Come on. Also, too. This came up a couple of days ago. I was talking to somebody. Great story. No. The other day I was talking and something came up. When someone says they're a hound dog,

but he's a real hound dog. Who says that? What were you talking to a gum shoe? Who says that guy's a real hound dog? No one's ever said that really. Except for Elvis. Yeah. And he wasn't even a hound dog.

No. He was nothing but a hound dog. When they have a taste for the ladies, he's a bit of a hound dog. I don't know. I was talking to a buddy of mine about one of his older kids. Okay. One of his older kids.

And he's a bit of a hound dog. The kid's a bit of a hound dog. A poon hound. He called him when I was back when I was back. A little bit. Guys are all poon hounds. He uncovered some evidence that he's getting to that age now. Okay.

He's like, hey, he's got a little hound dog in him. That was pretty good. Yeah, it's all right. Hey, see? There you go. It really killed me. Anyway, the way the deer went across the road, I couldn't see them.

And my dad always put the fear of God in me about those things. Basically, I feel like if one of those things hit your car, it's going to explode like a drone strike. And I'm petrified of them, but would never want to hurt them. So whenever I see them on the side eating like a little grass or something, I beat the horn and slow down, hit the lights. But you can't do the lights. You scare them.

You freeze them. And then they get real wired. I had the same thing. I was driving home the other night. They're real nervous. They start shooting quick. Man, they jumped the wrong way. They end up in the back seat.

Asking for the aux cord. Asking to put on some Drizzy Drake. Make a left on Cherry Street, fat boy. I got a couple of... I make good with them snacks. I got a couple of foxes over there waiting on them. Because I'm a real hound dog. Yeah, no.

You got to get... I've had them jump into the side of cars. A guy in my neighborhood had jumped through his front window, like the bay window. And it causes a ruckus in the house. Wait. The house? Yeah.

Whoa. We had one jump in our school. Busted. It's a principle for a while, too. Jim Teeper. Just put on a pair of glasses. Everybody followed me. Let's start listening to him.

You see a deer around here? No, I did not say that. Now pass me more berries, please. Yeah, one... And just drink a little cup of coffee or something. Oh, yeah. A little short sleeve shirt. A little tie.

Yeah, I picture it like the dober. He's wracking the dober. Yeah, 100%. 100%. Talking about this. He's walking on his hind legs down the hallway. Your kids get the glass. That's Mr. Jenkins.

He's new here. Just shitting behind him. One busted through a window in our school and ran around. Terrorized the school for a couple of hours. And that's a story. They came and got him. The government? No, the cops.

Yeah. He's still serving a nickel for that. How do you handcuff a deer? Kind of like a real guy. Well, I'll get him. I am a hound deer in him. What are you going to say? Are you going to make your trash of it?

The years that I wrote through your school? Yeah, but. Yeah, new shit. Coming from. I knew it then. Coming from those towns. Not this that. That's focal.

The story I told you about the guy who jumped through his window. That was about 48 years ago. Watch out. They jumped through the Robertson's window. You know what I mean? Those stories live on forever. Because not a lot happens down there. No.

I remember when I was. When I was a kid. Those are urban towns. When I was a kid they used to say if you got a spotlight. Like one of those huge spotlights. And you drove out into the woods at night. And you spotlighted it around. If they catch.

If they catch it in their eyes, they freeze. Yeah, that's the same. The deer in the headlights. Oh yeah, duh. That's why when they're running across the street. They catch it. They stop and you. Oh man.

Yikes. Anyway. I didn't hit anything. Thank God. Yeah. I certainly not a punchline. See, nobody asked I was home with you all night. That story froze like a deer in a headlight.

I had something. What do you got? As you know, I've been back and forth between here and. Denise's house the past couple, you know, past week or so. Tendon to some family things and. I had the I've. The past two days I've had to use my wife's toothbrush. And I do.

I'd rather put on a grown man's underwear that he just had on. It's it irks me. Wait, really? What? He's really really have the underwear. I don't know. That's crazy. It's yeah, but it's on it.

It's like that Seinfeld thing. It's a subatomic level. Things are happening. It's your wife. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You kiss her? Yeah.

All right. Well, what's the difference? There's a difference. There's a there's a difference. T-Bone, we just recently talked about this. Yeah. You kiss it and it would be the equivalent of kissing. It would be like rubbing teeth.

Yeah. Which I don't mind, by the way. If I've had enough drinks in me. Because I use it. It's my birthday. Sure. I used my girls by accident. I'm sure she's thrilled about that.

Well, no, I got it. I got her a new one. And the only thing like that. Pull it out of your mouth. It's melted. I felt bad for her. You know what I mean? I feel I was so you understand that there is a difference there.

No, no, no, no. You feel bad for her. But I didn't feel bad. I didn't. I understand. I didn't care about using hers. I felt bad that she would have to use it after me. I understand.

I'm the disgusting one. But there's, I understand. But there's that still. If it's disgusting to somebody. But you got skeeved out by using hers. Anybody's. It's the thing. Yeah.

But your girl. It was also wet when I started. That's a tough one. Like she had used it and then I had to use it. And she had just brushed her teeth? Yeah. Huh. I had to do it this morning too.

Man, it was tough. I'd rather use Hans's. You need money for a toothbrush. One of those greenies or something. It's gonna work. I've been moving around a lot. I've been, we've been leaving them places. Stop by your CVS, huh?

I didn't realize. It's always that thing. You know, I always forget. I'm out of. I'm sure you stopped somewhere for a sandwich. You could have stopped and got yourself a toothbrush. I got them delivered. What's fucking Colgate starts delivering?

Call me. Dude, you get a toothbrush here in 10 minutes. Please. Start that clock right now. Really? A toothbrush in 10 minutes. You want me to do it? Can you?

Man, I could if I wanted to. In 10 minutes. Within a normal time that seamless can deliver. I understand. I understand. Seam. First of all, seamless doesn't deliver toothbrushes. Yeah, they do.

From where? 7-Eleven. We'll get you one. Oh, maybe. Uber eats or whatever. Yeah. Hold on. You're missing the point.

The point is, I always think, I always only think of toothpaste when I'm about to brush my teeth. That's why I always get jammed up. I run out of toothpaste and it takes me like three days. Fuck. I keep forgetting. I keep forgetting because that's not a problem. When I'm out of the store of like, oh yeah, I need a toothbrush.

If I could solve that, it would have been solved and I would have been in this position. You can always sneak through the door one more time with the toothpaste. Oh, that's, I know. There's always a lip. Always a lip. And then you're like, so there ain't. Then you're hemmed up. You got that little fucking prairie dog jumping out.

Yeah, you get something. You're like, you're giving it all. You got a little quick. Yeah, you stick the bristles in the hole. Yeah. You do a little digging in there. You gotta get in there. I still don't get why you skeed that using your wife's toothbrush.

Anybody's toothbrush. You remove the relationship. It's anybody's toothbrush. It's a device used to clean bacteria that you're then putting in your mouth. You don't think that's bonding in a way? What? That's bonding in a way? Or what about when-

I'm not saying you've removed, again, remove the relationship out of my way. What about when- I mean, but you had- Hold on. When your parents- You've understood- The parents put the- You get disgusted for your wife or your girlfriend.

But I'm disgusted. I know, but- She's not disgusted. Just stop for a second and understand. If the relationship works that way, then there is something to be disgusted about. You- Your threshold for disgust is just way higher than most people's.

My threshold for disgusting? No. She's- Your wife's attractive. I guarantee- That doesn't have to do with anything. In my head, it does. Yeah, if it's an attractive person, I'm okay with it.

Okay. If they're gross like me, that's why I felt bad for my girl. Sure. That she would have to use it after me. I had no problem using hers. I'd rub it in my face, stick it up my butt. Sure. To me, you're missing the point of-

If it's disgusting for one person, regardless of how disgusting you are, it's a tool used to clean- Which- Let me go on record. Very. I would say most people- Let's do a-

We're ready to do a poll. Leave it in the comments. Most people, that's something they don't want to do. Not their significant other, though. I'm telling you, it probably is the case. I don't know. Buddy, you understand it for your girlfriend. How do you not see that it works one way or another?

Because I'm disgusting. I know, but I understand that. But I would feel most people- And you're nothing to write home about, either. Of course. And she's an attractive lady. What? Looks doesn't have anything to do with it.

It does. Bone structure has nothing to do with bacteria in your mouth. I think it does. And what? Please, please relate that sign. Because you're attracted to her. If you're attracted to her, what are you- That should-

Should almost turn you on a little bit. Okay. I think you're rodin' fuckin'... You're wire- You're a little miswired somewhere. I don't know. Maybe. Call me a crazy kid.

I don't know. I guess I do see what you're saying. Yeah. But also at the same time, I feel like you've got to understand where your threshold for disgust- You have boogers on you all the time. If it was my toothbrush that you used,

I would completely understand that. Anywho, this is a Godday and Family episode where we answer your questions on Patreon Gang. When you sign up for the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on air. It's just the best way to do it. We got a bunch of emails, g-mails, z-mails, the whole nine yards.

But this is the best way to do it. Let's go. You ready, big fella? Hit me, Q-Ball. Strap in. What do you got? This is from Royal Lab TV. Never had one read.

Is it garbage to have a fisheye mirror instead of an actual side view mirror due to an alleged hit and run? This guy's got a fisheye as a rear view mirror. That cannot be safe for merging on highways. How do you do that? On the left? I don't know.

A side view mirror. Okay. I have the same information you have. A side view mirror. A rear view mirror. The side view mirrors. Right. You know how on Mac Trox,

they'll have like the circular one. Yeah, it's got a little banger. Yeah, that's all he has. I'm assuming. Oh. So he probably taped that onto his thing when his mirror got knocked off. Man.

I don't know. Those are pretty good though. They really cover you. I've driven. Not as a primary use. I don't know. I've driven in trucks that have them, man. I know.

But you also have to check your regular six. See, that's like driving around looking through a people. Yeah, that's nuts. You can see the future with those things. It's like being under water. You can see like eight miles back. But things are all right. Everything looks like a skate video.

No, that's a very unsafe and tragic to not have a regular, that doesn't pass inspection. Sure. I'll give you that. Yeah, that's what I would argue. Highly dangerous. Yeah.

But he got it fixed. Or at least put some tin foil on it. I know people that have the huge rear view mirrors. Yeah. That it looks weird. But man, you fucking. You got everything. Yeah.

You know what's going on in the streets. With that thing. You can see around a corner with those things. They're all right. I, we've rented some cars, some newer cars like the SUVs that have the video as the rear view mirror rather than the actual mirror,

which throws me because I'm used to looking in the mirror and seeing T-Bone back there. And then you don't see anything. You just see the footage. I'm back there on Superbike. It really fucked you up. I packed on. I was in an empty car.

Oh, the camera's not there. No, they can't. Of course they don't. The camera's on the back. See what these punks are doing back there. You can't. You're flying blind. Somebody would be coming up with a fucking piano wire

behind you. And you don't know shit. Dude, nothing scarier as a kid than your dad hitting the rear view just to hit you. Oh, turning that to make that eye contact. Jam you up. Dude, sweet. Melt your eyebrows off.

Because you know what, in my family car, you know what followed that was a fucking inner thigh bite. He'd come around. Oh, a pinch. Fucking come around. Fucking catch you right in the sensitive part of your chubby thigh. H. And I jump up and hold his eyes.

Closer. Hey, you want me to go? We all go. I play chess, not checkers over here. Your box's ears like Beethoven. You want to play games, old man? Give him vertigo real quick. I'll take the whole fucking bloodline off the map.

Let's go. Pull a Jason board real quick. That choking your dad with a Z-belt. There was nothing. You know what a magazine? They have that. They have some competition where you fight in the front seat. That's good.

Oh, I think I've seen that. I've seen MMA in a car. Oh, that's all right. They have that in a phone booth, too. Oh, man. That's a good time. And they can't fall because they just keep like the guys just knocked out just fucking. There was nothing worse you could do than hit that light on the inside of the car when

your parents were driving. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They made it seem like the highway was going to blow up. Uh-huh. Yeah, it was bad. Look out. Hit that thing. Your tops will get you.

Yeah. What are you fucking doing? I'm driving. Wild. All right. Let's see. This one's from J.B. Henry. Long time listener.

Never have one read. You or anyone you know that has their litter box on carpet floor? Oh, I mean, I'm not a cat guy, but that could be good. Hi, dude. Cat. I don't know how you do it. The snuggles are worth it, man. Yeah.

It's my old guy. Depending on the cat, like we don't, ours is in crazy radius away from us. Okay. And you can't, you don't notice it when you come into our apartment. You don't notice it when you're in the room that it's in. We do a good job of keeping it circulated. But every once in a while, man, you catch a fucking heater from her. That is like, it's not even, it almost makes dog poop smell good.

That's how bad, that's how bad cat shit is. You're living with it. That's, and I understand. It's crazy. You do a good job, but not. It's like ammonia-y. It's, it did. It's not.

Listen. You catch one of those. You drop in the middle of the night like, what the fuck? That's, yeah, no. It's, I- It just breaks a bacon suit on that. I respect, I'll believe you, that you do a real good job taking care of it. But you've been in my-

For the record. You've been in my apartment for like five years. Not in like five years. I never smelled cat. I, I can't recall, your honor. But everybody slouches a little bit. This is also coming from a guy who had to chemically peel his floor when he got his new dog. Yeah.

I know. Your dog shits in the dishwasher. What are you talking about? Not anymore. Your animal has to do it. Inside. Yeah. She does it in her little thing.

Yeah. That's in your, that's too much. That's too much. You think so? But I know, listen, I know you're listening. Hold on. The technology and kitty litter over the last 30 years is tremendous. They're halfway to Jupiter.

Does it disintegrate it immediately? Because if it doesn't, I'm out. It really covers it up. Does it turn it into soft pretzels or something? It's not a bad idea. Because then I'm listening. But you're nuts. But never on carpet.

It's on hardwood and then they have a little, she has a little, a little mat right in front of it. And it's always like, there's always a little pebble. Like there's all, litter always gets out of the thing from their feet or whatever. We don't have that. You step on it. If we give her people food, which we rarely ever do, but if there's like a little piece of salmon or something like that, we'll give it to her.

That usually fucks her up a little bit and she'll drag her butt a little bit on the, on the hardwood. You see a little streak. I mean, I do love, I love Adam, but they are, you know, you're just essentially living with somebody who shits in your apartment. In a litter box. It gets covered up by the litter. I shit in my apartment too, dog.

Yeah, you flush it and it goes right down. I don't all the time. But you clean the litter box every day. Come on. What are we doing here? You don't even clean your time. I've shared bathrooms with you. There's your pee is all over the floor.

I don't handle it. What? I don't handle the litter box situation. Okay. Yeah. She does a good job with it. Okay. Yeah.

Now the urine thing, the pee thing. Yeah. I would just argue to say that the guy on the Adam, the, the, the species in the house that knows how to use the toilet doesn't do a good job with it. I doubt the cat's doing a great job with it. That's all I'm saying. I arrived. I learned from you.

I thought we all peed on the floor. And yes, I did roll in my hardwood floors and I will be losing my security deposit. I don't know what business of it is yours. Okay. Let's talk about draft kings, baby. Oh baby. The king of the draft. Let's talk about letting it ride.

You know what I'm saying? I'm an action Jackson when it comes to gambling. I'll tell you this. You may know that. The playoff picture is pretty much mapped out. Uh-huh. Road here to Super Bowl 57. Uh-huh.

Why not get in a little action? You know what I mean? Spice it up a little bit. Yeah. AFC divisional game. See what you're made of. Yeah. It's a Thursday night game.

You get paid tomorrow. I haven't watched one chiefs game all year. You're laying them work. You just pay them down. Yeah, let's go. It's a good time. Here's the cool thing that they got going on over there. What's that?

You do a $5 bet. Okay. They give you $200 worth of free bets. Okay, I like that. That ain't bad. Instantly. You're playing with house money. What are we doing?

Listen, I'm betting everything on a birds. Yeah. Laying it all on a birds this year. Plus, they got all new and existing customers. Get a no sweat bet each day of the wild card round this week. Just place any NFL bet of your choice. And if it loses, you'll get a free bet back up to $10. Action's so good.

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New customers get $5. New customers can bet $5 on the NFL and get 200 in free bets instantly. Only at DraftKings Sportsbook with promo code AYG. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See the show notes for details. Kip, how about them factor bills? That factor, shout out to the turkey chili. Nothing like coming home and finding a box of factors just sitting there.

Now, the way they design it is to eat right, exercise and move forward. Sure. You get two, three of those in a year. Yeah, it'll be two or three of them like the big man likes to do. I got to be honest with you. No joking around. Signed up this morning. Yeah.

I'm back on it, baby. 2023 is the year of the Kip. That's what we're doing. I'm getting back. I'm getting back down to fighting weight. Can't be two fat guys on the show. Fantastic fresh, never frozen meals. Not like the other way.

You got to make the shit yourself. It's all done. It's done. You throw it in the microwave. Throw it in a little pan with a little bit of olive oil or something. Two minutes in the microwave. A couple of holes. Yeah.

It's good clean stuff, man. It's good time. It's fantastic. If you know, I've been a factor guy for a long time. Big proponent, T-Bone was on it for a long time. T-Bone was on. It was 28 pounds or something, that T-Bone. There you go.

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Do it. He's not pooping in the house anymore? Never. Come on. I swear to God. I thought he peed in the car, pooped in the car or something like that. No, he threw up, but he was still like a real puppy. Also, the car is in the house.

Yeah. I mean, that was like eight months ago or something. He hasn't gone to the bathroom in the house and I genuinely have no idea when. He knows better. Okay. I'm gonna rough him up. I'm gonna get him in a headlock. All right.

This one's from Mark Sullivan. Ever stick a burning in your nose and take a backwards drag? That's a good time. I always thought it was real creepy. That guy parties, dude. Yeah. Shout out to Mark. That's a guy who gets fired at the holiday party for his job.

Oh yeah. I thought it was always. That guy doesn't have a job. I thought it was always weird and I never really, I don't do it when people have it come out of their nose. My dad was big on it. Jesus, that's when you're smoking. That's an issue, man.

It's fucking like a raging bull coming out of you. You know what I mean? That burns a different kind of burn. And that's an exit. Imagine taking that on the well. Are you fucking a Lucifer? I mean, that's some shit Hellboy would do. That's a stunt, right?

That's gotta be a stunt. No, dude. I remember to see it. No, I'm saying the nose. Put one up the nose. Of course. But seeing those old schoolers back in the day, he's like picturing something in the car once hanging out of his mouth.

Never keep on out. Yeah. Blast that thing out. Just rolling cold. Goddamn. The original vapors. Like a locomotive. The original blowing clouds, dude.

Like the Polar Express coming down the tracks. Yeah. No. I'm a standard smoke exhale kind of guy. However. That was the French. Oh, the French Hell would be out a little bit through the nose. I've done that a little bit back.

I thought that was when you jerked off like that. That's the overhand. What are we doing? A.K. the turncoat. Lavres et stalls. Even off rolls. That's when you're interrogating yourself. Hey, you like that?

Huh? You like that? That's just before the phone book comes out. Dude. Pick a letter. What? Start waterboarding. That's a good time.

The French inhale. Right. You would let some out and then suck that through your nose. Correct. Out the mouth. Through the nose. Yeah. Fahachik does that.

That's one thing. Yeah. You do it, you know. Look at Bison. Having an asthma attack right away. Yeah. That's a tough look. But that's just a fun time when he's talking about.

Yeah. That's just being silly. That's a party goof. Yeah. I'm all about that. You wear a tuxedo t-shirt doing that. You're killing. You ever see the tough guy shot?

What's that? It's where you. No, it's a shot of tequila where you snort the salt. Do the tequila and then squirt the lime in your eye. Oh, God. Who are you hanging out with? I know. What are the rest of the pirates doing?

Yeah. That's crazy. I wonder why you quit drinking. You know, you don't got to. You can just have a cocktail like a gentleman. You don't got to do that shit. You ever chug a beer then punch yourself in the dick? You're like, what the fuck?

Nah, I'm good, dude. You know the carpenter? You stick a nail in your thigh, do a shot. Then you call out of work. Eat a ham sandwich. Jesus. What do you call it, the tough guy? It's a tough guy shot.

I kind of need a new friend shot. That's what that is. Gentlemen, please leave. That's a shot it is. You're trying to get your picture up at a bar for the wrong reasons. Oh, the butt heavy. A shot of Jameson and some broken glass, please. Do the shutter island shot real quick.

Is there anyone in the back of the stuff on my balls, please? I'm trying to get fucked up. Is it still happy hour? Can someone put a sig out on my eye? All right, this one's from Chowder Stash, first time, long time. Ever have to pull over on the expressway because you think that Bernie launched out the window, got stuck in the back window and is burning a hole in the fine leather of your 2003 Mercury Sable? Man, talk about the panic button when that shit happens.

That's happened to me a couple of times before. I've got it in the crotch where it did that. When it goes down in the crotch and you, because when it goes down in the crotch, the movement to go get it pushes it further down, then you get up thinking that's a good idea and it rolls down. Every month, the whole time you're pressing on the gas. Because you need leverage to get your ass off the seat. Dude, talk about Houston, we got a problem. Man, that's like each decision leads to an exponentially worse result.

Plus you're in panic mode, you're all over the road, you're capable of anything. Yeah, you shove it further down, then you go to stand up, you go faster and then it rolls back under you. God forbid you start feeling that heat on your testicles. That's tough. I remember sitting next to my dad and all of a sudden that would happen. I'd be reaching around, I'd be his eyes on the ground. Dude, I pull over immediately and fucking deal with that. That's tough, dude.

I remember the first time we got called, my buddy got his license. We went out, drove in and his mom's called, his mom's like a Chevy Envoy or something. We took that out, everybody's fucking smoking. I guess he was just, at this point we dropped everybody off, but it was just me and him. And he flicked it and it went in the back and then into the back seat. And he was like, I think so. And I remember being like, nah, you're good, it's fine. What are the chances of that type thing?

And sure as shit, dude, it burned a hole like this big on the floor. His mom was like, you son of bitches, you're smoking in my car. Did she smoke? Yeah. I'm like, what are we doing here, toots? Could have been you. Yeah, but that was back in the, in the, toot that. Like, dude, we used to smoke in my mom's house.

Like, I'd have like 50 people over and everybody would just smoke cigs. And she'd be like down the shore. I would just like open the windows. Wouldn't notice when they got back. I feel like our sense of smell got more. I would say yours got worse. No, I would, I would say that you notice it now way more than you did. Like, exactly what you're saying.

Like, you guys, not everybody's back in the day. Everybody was smoking everywhere. Restaurants and shit. Everybody was just like, custom. Now you can't even smoke in the middle of a goddamn empty field. You gotta be 5,000 feet away from somebody. I mean, if you were in a restaurant, somebody was smoking. It's crazy.

That's crazy. You would, you would, what the fuck? I don't like smoking indoors because I'm real fucked up. And I'm the only guy doing it. And it's illegal. I remember, I remember when it's time for Kibbie to make a power play. I was about to close on a deal of me getting thrown out of a bar. Your move.

Picking yourself off the sidewalk. And that's how you don't pay for the bill. Now who's got a light? Broken cigarette. I remember, I remember waiting tables and smoking. Like being at the bar, somebody would come in and sit down. Oh, dude, when this waiter comes back after a sick break, you're like, why don't you just give me my garlic bread and an ashtray?

Especially now in the winter. Get out of here with that. Man, you feel the cold on them. Oh, that shit's no way to know. And there, you always, the sick break, the quick sick break is always the worst. Cause you're just steam rolling it, dude. You're not even getting any oxygen in there. That's all creamy, rich smoke.

They used to drive me crazy back in the day when somebody would ask me for a, a pull off your smoke and they'd fucking... Steam roll it to get a hand you a torpedo back to cherry on that thing. And you're like, what the fuck? Switched over to nuclear. Not to mention the fucking... The tip of it's soaking wet. You're like, what?

And it's pinched down. It's like Jesus Christ. It's like a raw dog, my heater and gave it back to me. Hard deed, my age. It's my wedding night for Christ's sakes. What's wrong with you? Yeah, stop. This one's from Kevin, $10 shareholder.

Is it garbage to ask for a Rogaine subscription as a birthday gift? Hey, fellow bald Kevin, the bald Kevin, I respect it, my man. What's the, what's the coinage on something like that? Don't they sell it in CVS now? You go in there and get it? Oh, Rogaine. Do you have to show your license when you get that? That was not spray paint.

I forget. There's what a government want to keep an eye on you. The kids aren't getting high on it. Just forget the government want to keep an eye on you, bald ones. Make sure we're not all, make sure we're not all banding together. You got to start every neighborhood you move to. You got to go around and tell everybody. I am kippy, I'm bald.

I'm your new neighbor. Get the hell off my lawn. Get the hell off my toupee. No, I don't think so. Subscriptions are nice. No, it's good. It's probably cheap now. It's probably like maybe 15 bucks a month or something like that.

It's $28.99 a month. With who? Rogaine. Yeah, wait, no, that's, you go generic. They're patent came. It seems like it's working good. No, Toby's fired. Hey, you might want to switch over to the real deal.

Fucking RC. I am on Rogaine. I got a real stuff. RC Cola over here. Can I get a glass of Rogaine? We got pro or whatever. Yours is spelled R-O-U-G-H-K. This kid's using ketchup.

Katsup. I'm cutting me out of this whole thing. Have a good time though. All right, let's see here. This one's from Brigid. New to Patreon. Ever had a swing set made from scrap lumber instead of your parents getting one from a store?

I mean, your dad would have to be pretty fucking handy to put something like that together. But... You're back there playing on broken down ballots? Yeah, that's tough. You're getting splinters on that thing for sure, dude. Swing it on an old toilet seat? Man, that's a tough look.

That's bad. You'd have to be able to do it good. Or probably not. That's the thing too. Yeah, scrap lumber is a tough look. Unless it's done again, done very well, then I respect it. But chances are you're probably cutting a couple of corners. You got to be real good with your angles and stuff like that.

Yeah, which like, if you're halving the... Like, you got to, you know... You got to jimmy that stuff a lot, you know? That's like, you don't all have the same... You know, it's like a 2x4 or 4x6. But anything wood, as far as I'm concerned, anything wood is better than the metal that I had when I was a kid. We had the real cheap aluminum ones back in the day.

Come out of the ground and stuff. And then when I got a little bit older, I started seeing kids with parents had a little money that get those fucking, those nice wooden ones that had like the yellow and blue and red top. Yeah, that one. Did have like a little pirate's nest and the... The steering wheel or something.

And the monkey bars and stuff like that, the slide. Ours was straight up, two swings. A lot of times they had like the sea salt, like the dual-seater. The good ones? No, the bad ones. Yeah, the bad ones. You had one dual-seater, you had two regular swings, and I think some monkey bars and that was it.

There was no... Maybe there was a slide. Metal slide, maybe. But no slide with a little house on top. You were right up and over. And it was rough going down, man. I remember catching the inside of my thighs. No, on the hinge, on the double thing. Oh, I thought you meant on the slide itself, on a hot slide.

Yeah, I don't fly that big. You think that sound? We had our swing set was just the pipes that are like the A-frame with the one going across. Yeah. But it wasn't stuck into the ground. Yeah, so it would always pop out. So, yeah, you'd go back and the whole front end would come up.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, that was just like... Nobody even said... You wouldn't even tell your parents that would happen. It just happened. That was one good thing about my dad. He always over-concrete it. That's a good bag of quick-creep.

Oh, man. Four or five bags of quick-creep for one of those things. When I was home, I just noticed that we used to have a basketball pole. It's in your cribs that we did. I don't know if it ever made it, but I remember seeing it. I brought Toby over. I go, he still has the...

They just cut it. They didn't dig it out. Yeah, you got the root still in there. It's like a bad tooth. Yeah, you would need like the Army Corps of Engineers to get that thing out of the ground. It probably goes down to like seven sub-levels. It's crazy. Pull it out.

Lava starts coming up. I think I don't know if I ever told you. I tried to get one of my dad. I wanted that, that dark wood treated with the yellow, the blue, the red, and we went to this place up off street road somewhere. If I remember correctly, we put down a $200 down payment and I'm like, I'm fucking getting this. This is great.

I'm going to be the cool guy on the fucking block. Then a week later, my dad never heard from him. We drove by a week later. A week later, my dad called nothing. Another week, whatever we finally drove by, they had gone out of business. Took the $200 deposit and skipped town. Adios. Yeah, we were fucking.

I was so happy. I'm like, let's go somewhere else. That was it. Man. He wasn't trusting another guy. When the swing set people are playing hardball. I know. You got to be a cold-hearted son of a bitch.

Still a kid's good time. Yeah. I mean, get into like a scam center or something like that. Robo calls or something. You're wiping the smile off my face, buddy. That was my goddamn Christmas present. It was either that or braces. Whoa.

You even get those second hand. They're still good. They go, they stay last. They go around a little bit. Yeah. Things are all right. Yeah. We never had anything.

We had to, we built a tree house in the back that my neighbor came and yelled at me for because it was technical on his property. I fucking. He was using his power. Ellen, I came and shut down that job. You're an AC in there. Yeah. Beware a dog sign up there.

Keep them out. Yeah. I got jammed up. I never had the. Did you guys ever have a zip line as a kid? No. If any with the skinny did. It's so funny you mentioned that.

I would have never have thought about that. We tried to make a couple to no avail. We made some that ripped. Really? Yeah. We had a tree fort. We tied a rope from the top of the tree fort just to a tree. And then we had almost, it was like a dog leash that we doubled up and then you clip

it onto the rope. Couple of freaks. What do you, we never had the material. What will you use in regular? What's it called? Rope. No, laundry line rope. It was like climbing rope.

Really? Yeah. See, we just had that shit that where she hang the hungry sheets. We had a real cool dad in the neighborhood. Yeah. You need somebody like that. Well, I remember you could buy the Vinny with the skinny had one where you'd have to climb up the back of his shed, get past the wasp nest, man.

Jesus Christ. Those things were coming out of the cinder blocks. Yikes. And it climbed to the top. We were raccoons coming at you. Dude, we were six or seven maybe. Crazy. Climb up the back of the shed.

No ladder. Like you'd stand on like a wheelbarrow and like a thing that's in a bricks and then like you get up there. My fat ass pulling myself up. You get up there, then you're on his shed and you would just fucking, he had a proper one. Yeah. My cousin has a proper one.

My cousin has a proper one. I remember the first time I didn't realize how much upper body. I went down like a sack of potatoes. When I did that kind of stuff when I was a kid, it made me realize that if I was ever hanging off of a helicopter, I would never make it. Yeah. I'd be like Robert De Niro in The Deer Hunter. I'd fall down.

I wouldn't. Gang, let's talk about ladder. Look at that. You like screwing over your family? Sure. We all do. We're all dirtbags. But when it comes to term life insurance, you don't want to leave them holding the bag,

as they say. Yeah. Putting the quarters over your eyes as you cross the river to the boat, man. Final screw job to the life in kids. Don't do it. Take care of your financial affairs. Even if you ain't got a lot of money, you can still get up to 3 million. Yeah.

Well, something. No needles. No doctors. No nothing. Do it all online. Sign up. Get yourself covered, baby. Yeah.

Ladder made Forbes best life insurance list in 2021. Really? And it's easy to see why no hidden fees cancel anytime. Get a full refund if you cancel in the first 30 days. Life insurance gets more expensive as you age. So why? So the time to buy is now, N-O-W. Buy low, die high, baby.

That's what I always say. Die high. Go out. I'll smoke that. Don't be doing that. Don't do that. Go to ladderlife.com slash garbage today to see if you're instantly approved. That's ladder.

L-A-D-D-R. Life.com slash garbage. Ladderlife.com slash garbage. Don't get high. Now back to the show. That was a big thing when I put it all the way back on. Most of it. But when I first lost the weight, I wanted it.

I was like, I'm in shape. I'm like, I just wanted, like, apocalypse-style skills. Like, I wanted to be able to do one pull-up. I've made myself always be able to do one pull-up in case I was ever hanging from a helicopter or a ledge, a cliff. I'd be able to get myself back up that. And I could run a mile flat out without stopping. Outrun your fat ass.

I don't let the zombies or the wolves get you. I'm out. That and learn how to use a crossbow. Yeah. Always keep a blade on you, too. But that was my big thing. I was like, I just want to be able to do these because I could never do them as a kid. So I'm like, I just wanted to be able to do these things.

Who would, of the three of us, who would survive the longest in an apocalypse? I would for sure. What are we talking about? What kind of apocalypse? Tack of the Cheez-Its. I'm about to pay my masterpiece. What do you mean? I'm OK.

Let's say. If a nuke went off in the distant area and it shut the grid down? Mad Max. We'll say Mad Max post-nuclear fallout. Oh, this is the bonus we're doing this week, by the way. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

Love it. What? How to survive an apocalypse. I mean, in my heart, nobody's surviving. Not that long. I think you grossly underestimate my outdoorsyness. Do you have a bug out bag? Yes, included with my albuterol inhaler.

And my nebulizer in case I need a treatment. In case there's cats at this apocalypse. What's the dander, Sitch? Yeah, I mean, I can't go three days without my heartburn medicine. And you can also feed a whole village. Either way, I'll be miserable. Nobody's eating each other. I don't think that's a viable solution.

Plenty of deer running around. We already talked about that. Right, fellas? Right? No one wants to eat each other. I wouldn't be any good. I'll start throwing seasoning on you. Salt that yet.

Gold leaf around me. That's so funny. This is the fattest guy in the village after the apocalypse. I mean, come on. We're not going to eat people. A lot of study show. High in cholesterol as I am. What are you, crazy?

I'm going to be like Da Nero at the end of it. Casino, not keep going. Further down, further down, further down. I'll whack you off real quick. Thanks to, you know, I'm in an air fryer. No thanks. I mean, I have my, depending on the situation, I have my out and my route and where I would go

and what I would do and stuff like that. Who's going to tie your shoes for you? You better hope those zombies are nice. Hey buddy, can you find my shoe horn for me? You need to find it at head start. No facies. All right. You do have the biggest shoe horn I've ever seen a man own.

No, I have a bigger one at my mom's. Well, you're not allowed to have it in New York. Can't bring it through the tunnel. It's illegal. I don't have the papers for it. It was my grandfather. So, you know, it just kind of stayed in the family. Oh, blue.

That's a long gun you got there. It's made of iron or something too. Because the other ones, they all bend this one, man. Made out of railroads, buddy. Dude, I'm telling you. You're going to need that when the zombies come, dude. Just start putting that through their brainstems. I'd be pretty sweet if that was my weapon, my shoe horn.

You can jack the house up with this thing. I'm telling you, legit. Yeah, the one that you guys saw at the airport, remember I was worried about bringing it on the plane? Which I can't believe they let me. They tear through that thing like John Wick with that thing in my hand. You could bring a bazooka on the plane

and you're not getting anything done, all right? Yeah, your weapon's on a plane or a shoe horn and a seatbelt, except there. Oh, that's pretty good. I have a very specific set of skills. Now, someone help me out of my seat, please. Because the federal government said I'm too fat to fly. My overhead bag, please.

I would have saved everyone on that plane if they had sat me in an aisle. Can't get out. We're in the middle of this movie, though. That would be pretty sweet. Oh, man. The shoe horn and this, it's perfect. All right.

We'll talk about it more in the old Patreon here. Need a shield, too. That's a great theme that we've never done. That's fun. Thank you. All right. Let's see here. This is from Dave from Minnesota. New home. He never had one, right?

Has anyone convinced you a bedsheet would work as a parachute and got you to jump off of something? Umbrella. Really? Yeah. Doesn't work. No. Doesn't work. No, it's tough. I remember being that age and doing that math

as a kid of like, well, it should be able to slug off my work and go down to the one part of my roof through my sisters. Like, we'd get on the roof of my garage from my sister's bedroom. It's another thing. If you had the strength, like, if I had the strength to hold on to the umbrella and it stayed structurally intact,

which the weight I was at the time when I did it, it should have. No. It wouldn't work. I don't know anything about physics. You let it go. You can't hold on to it. It pulls you out. You don't have time to, you don't know. It doesn't have enough time to slow you down.

No. A parachute even. This was second floor of... No, so no. You're moving too quick, too fast for anything to slow you down. See, it's got to slow you down and, you know, 12 feet.

That's impossible. Eric Roner, R.I.P. The skydiver with the Nitro Circus, Travis Pastrana's crew. He did an umbrella skydive. An umbrella. It was like a parachute. Did he jump out of a plane or out of his bathroom window?

Out of a plane. Did he hang on to it? Yeah, for a little while. I think he made it all the way down on it. Just holding it? I believe so, yes. Get the fuck out of here. You'd have to have so much hand strength to hold on to that.

That's wild. I'm sure he had another parachute on him just in case. Oh, of course. He's not a real skydiver like you, folks. He doesn't live on the edge. This guy's a real pussy. I can pose her. You got one of your mom's $5 umbrellas

and jump off the back deck. I'll show you what it's like. Gonna be a real one, huh? Yeah. You want two broken feet? A sheet? No, because I could never figure out how to get it where it would work. None of it worked.

You need more space. It's the space that you would need. And let alone a better parachute system. My brother, one of my older cousins told me that if I did it like a cape, I could... Yeah, that's how everybody gets jammed up.

That's how I was playing Superman off my couch and did a header on the coffee table. They just pushed me down the steps. They told me that I'd be able to fly. I could fly down the steps. They just pushed me down. They laughed at me.

I still got these kids' numbers. They sound alright. A couple of guys I could hang with. Shout out to Flo and the duck and the boys. Ah, it's good stuff. Alright, this one's from Jameson. Ever been in a pinch

and had to use Chapstick on your hands because you didn't have lotion available? God damn! Smelling like strawberries? But my shit's all fucked up here. I've done it. I've done it. Dude, I'll use it on my face. Moisturize it. It's just good moisturizer at the end of the day.

Not really. It seals it in. Yeah, that's good. It seals in the moisture. What do you want, Alex? It's a sear and a steak, you know what I mean? No, I'm just saying if I'm jammed up or whatever, I'm like in the winter, if it's visibly dry.

Don't use CarMax. No, you do a... You're doing a love scene. Bolling your eyes out. You do a... It just takes the edge off, you know what I mean? It just moisturizes in the moment. I feel like we might have talked about this recently somewhere.

It could have been in private. But we were talking about Chapstick and I said the worst was Blistex. When your lips were real jammed up. I remember Blistex being alright, mate. It was real... It was more liquidy. Was that the squeeze tube? Yes.

It would come out like a dog was pooping. Yes, but it was loose. Protect your lips. It was to fucking burn the shit out of them when they were chapped. That was the medical reason? It was to treat it. It was medicated.

It's when you had severe chap lips and you'd rub it in and you would rub off the extra pieces of dead skin. So it would start to heal. That's how we did it. Fucking brutal. Burn the shit out of you. That and the Hall's cough drop when you were a kid.

Bare spray. I loved the good Halls. I got into Halls early. My sister was taking them. She was like 13 or 14. I was probably about 7. Got my hands on one of them and never looked back. Opened you up real quick.

Talk about mainlining. Dude, that and then a fucking high C juice box. Wheeeee. It's like Ben Chocochip ice cream. That little bastard. Nah, I didn't fuck with him. I was just somewhere. I was down at home and the kids were all running around.

Had Ludens. Talking about Ludens. Where does Ludens at? You know, it wasn't bad. We kicked it off with the original cherry. Then they dropped a lemon. But then they got into the... It was like honey something.

I think it was honey lemon. Man, those things were delish. Have that for lunch. That a cup of soup. That a cup of soup, you're alright. Get my head on straight. Alright, let's see here. This is from Brian.

Is it garbage to bring your leftover pizza to work for lunch in the box it was delivered in? Man, what's this? Office space? Talk about not giving a fuck. I like it. You got to rearrange stuff in the fridge to get it in there. Yeah, for two slices.

Yeah, that's bad. That tin foil, a bag or something. This is by his own rules. Real fucking cowboy. That's pretty good. That's the dude that takes... If they have food at the office for something like bagels or sandwiches.

He's taking that shit home with him. I'm like carrying stuff. I'm just a huge hoagie tray guy. The idea of it. It's intoxicating. Just having all those hoagies. You mean I can have hoagies hoagies? I get crazy around a hoagie tray.

More so than anything. Really? That's your kryptonite? Is it a hoagie tray? I get crazy around that and for some reason I have this... I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Partially because the expiration date was real close. But around the holidays

we always had those pinwheels. So they're like wraps. They get them at Costco. They're wraps and they have turkey and cream cheese. Cheese and a tomato or something in there too? Tomato and cranberry for some reason. I'm not a fan of that shit. Dude, I really never liked them anyway

but I would always find myself eating a hundred of them and I would like... I loved them. It was weird. I almost... I'm infatuated with them because I almost got it when we were at Costco last. But the expiration date was like the day before and they get real wet around the side

when they start to go. Yeah, tough luck. How far after the expiration date will you be able to push it? I don't know if it's a good day before. I won't fuck with it. If it's even close, I'm out. Melk a few days if it doesn't smell.

You can tell when it's not there. It depends how jammed up I am. If it's sell-by or use-by. Sell-by I'll give you two tree days. I'll do two tree days. Yeah, but usually I don't fuck with it at all. Well, that's what I always hate growing up as a kid. You would get the lunch meat.

The date on that would be in the sell-by or use-by supermarket and you get sliced meat. You have the guys doing that. That gets printed out fresh. I know. Let me finish. It says that date where the number,

it was the date it was cut. But it would always fall on the use-by or sell-by date. You see what I'm saying? There was a template on those stickers. Yes. Size, description, weight, use-by date.

Yes. But it was the date on what you got it sliced. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, ours was always like a week away. It would compute it. No, ours was always the day of. Why would it say use-by the day of?

That's why I brought it up. So you had no idea what the hell was going on. No, well you know what day you bought it. I think ours said use-by like September 7th. They marked it out? I mean, ours still do it. I looked at it the other day.

Which makes me think that's like a more of a comment. That's the case I owe my mom an apology. Why? Because every time I owe them a fucking screaming at it, I don't know what the fuck it says. Jesus Christ, I didn't do it. I didn't drop the fuck.

No, that's the day they bought it. That's how I think. I'm like, mom, what the fuck? You got a whole pan of turkey in here. Yesterday. I said I thought it wasn't use-by the day. Hey, you lying to me? This is what I'm saying. Man, I don't know about that.

I'm telling you, dude. I posted about it, but I found a bottle of hot sauce at my parents' place that went out in 2018. I mean, that's just crazy. Dude, because that stuff's like, that's what you need in an apocalypse. I don't live. We pulled a thing of red wine vinegar out of the back of a cabinet

when we were moving. Just red wine? Yeah, auntie. No, dude, it had that thing in there. That's the fucking... Dude, it had the worm in there. Yikes. I think it's what they kind of use to make kombucha.

Some kind of bacteria pod forms or something. Oh, yeah. I think it was looking at me. It's like a jello or something. That thing got thrown right the fuck out. Yeah, but no. I don't know this about the lunchroom. I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you.

The computer has used buy on it. Because you want to get me fired up. But it's the day they slice it. It's that day they buy it. That's because I kept going, you're buying you, you're buying old shit, Toots. What are you doing here? I guess that makes sense because how would they have the technology back then to forecast...

To forecast whatever. ...on that one machine then. But maybe it's a computer. It was a computer kind of. Dude, it's a scale. But the scale had computer parts inside of it. So maybe it knew. I'm telling you. I'm telling you.

Dude, just over the holidays. It's the day they slice it on. I was home like four or five times. Every time I go, what are you doing? Get rid of this. This is bad. I did it. That's good. Then I come home the next time. Because you want to piss me off? Let me open up that deli drawer.

And think I got a nice half a pound of fucking turkey in there. And then think that I can't have it. It's a good thing she has a little cracker barrel of cheese on it. Keep your head on straight. Couple of pepperonis. I rolled the dice on some old pork roll.

But I figured that's got to be... It was a little foggy. But I said, you know what? If I get it hot enough. The eyes were a little glassy. Like fresh fish. Oh man. Can't trust anything at those houses anymore. I caught her with chicken hot dogs the other day.

Chicken hot dogs. And the way I noticed that something was up in the same color. One was a little darker. Christmas back. Holiday back. Pass me a green diesel. One was a little bit discolored.

It was like, you know, like micro made or something like that. What the fuck is this? Check it out. Had a couple. She's keeping the bread in the fridge too. Because they don't eat it quick enough. That's weird though man. You don't know what you're dealing with.

I know. You really don't. You don't know what you're dealing with. I made two pork roll egg and cheeses on hamburger buns that I think were from July 4th. This was yesterday. I was dude. They didn't have mold on them, but they were, you know... It smelled like fireworks.

Yeah, and he sings with... He sings with pre-labor day. I know that. It smelled like fireworks. You find a ladybug and you're like, what the fuck? Geez. They had a summer saving sticker on them. She, uh... Fuck, what was I going to say?

Well, with the eggs. The eggs now, she gets them from some lady. No, I don't draw sad. And the ladies tell her that they're good for three months. They're regular, out of the chicken eggs. So now she's marking the date on them. Yeah, it's like Jurassic World there. Yeah, it's like Jurassic World there.

And I'm going to pick it up. And I'm like... Dude, I tried to make breakfast here. I'm like, what the fuck is this, Patty? Oh, you B.D. Wong? What are you doing here? What was that B.D. Wong? Man, that guy's a pure scientist. Woo-wee!

Working. Shout out to him. That's funny. Um... Crazy. Yeah, but correct me if I'm wrong in the car. I would love to know. Hold on. I get to the house now. It's like, is there some pretzels or something? I'm not going into anything.

I know, it's tough. Wild. Plus, half the shit's the dog. That's the beef next to me. That's for the dog! You're coach shiny. Wild. Dude, she's not wrong. Fresh eggs, like from straight from the chicken.

Three months in the refrigerator. Yeah, dude, that's a big egg. Women's probably buying them out of Goddamn Wawa and pouring them off as their own. Yeah, are you nuts? Nothing lasts for three months. That's crazy. I don't care.

Deleted there's chicken shit on her shoulder. Selling that to my mom. She's covered in feathers. She's old and gray. Short haircut. Now they're fine. We do it all the time. Nothing's wrong with me.

Her eyes are rolling back in her head. Fucking dead baby in the car. Get out of here. Get that shit a week. The eggs at my mom, she jams me up because she takes them out and puts them in the holder. She's got like... I'm like...

I'm real OCD anal about that shit. I don't like rolling the dice, but there you just gotta do it. Half the time I'm cracking it, I think I'm just expecting a feather to pop out or something, a beak. Fucking you doing! I'm sleeping in here, dickhead.

Yeah, you just never know. You just never know. Never know. I told her she gotta load up on frozen stuff. Get frozen stuff. I know what I'm dealing with when I come back. Selfish bastard. Not her.

You can eat whatever you want. Just make sure you have frozen appetite. The only thing that's good now is she eats out a lot. So you get home. A little chicken cacciatore somewhere in the back of that thing. Shrimp scampi. That's what Denny's likes, a scamp. Shrimp scampi, ice cold the next day.

No problem with it. It's all right. I'll even do the linguine cold. All right, let's see here. Speaking of, this is from Kyle. Is it garbage to use your enclosed patio space in the winter as a refrigerator since there is no garage fridge?

Note, this winter has been spotty with the daily temperatures. It's under fritz. It's talking about 50 today in New York, man. Those eggs ain't holding. I don't care if you're patty. If you're Denny's, those are bad eggs. You gotta cook that tilapia tonight.

Yeah, buddy. What are the specials tonight, buddy? You're losing shelf space with these things. Whip something up with that. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you on that. It's tough, man. If you live in, like, Wisconsin or something like that. You get a deep freeze going.

Yeah, I could see that. But I don't even like she... Patty puts the water bottles out there in the sun room. She leaves them out there. It's cold in the winter. It's up there glowing. Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, dude. I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, that's tough. We did it on Christmas. We had that. It was freezing at Christmas. I went and got beers. Just kept them right out in the garage. Ice cold IPA.

Not a drop of ice. Just sitting out there. Do we just have them in the 12 backs? Or the 6s? In the garage and it's not... You know, the sun's not baking on it, whatever. But yeah, you gotta... You can't be leaving, like, raw meat and shit out there.

No. It ain't that cold. No. You gotta do that shit in Alaska. There's a guy on Instagram that does that. He has all this shit outside and he cuts it up and eats, like, slivers of frozen fish. What? It looks pretty good.

In Alaska? It's wonky. It's flying overhead? No, I think drunk guy covered in snow. That's what I... I go to, like, anchorage type stuff. The hookey-low or whatever. Or choo-choo-charlees.

There's a famous comedy club up there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Coo-coo-choo-choo-choo-charlees or something. Or you gotta take your underwear off to perform something wild. Cannon was just up there. Could you say a drunk guy with what? A covered in snow or something.

In a snow bank. Chill-coot-charlees. Chill-coot-charlees, yeah. We should go. I'm down? Yeah, hell yeah. I don't know. Those planes that get up there. Oh, yeah, fuck that. I could...

You see the guy who's spitting the propeller before you back out? Look at that. Let's take out a movie screen on the back of the seat. I'm not going. I know. He's saying stuff like, oh, he's got an easter in. Man.

Spend a month of the wilderness with him. No, thank you. Especially if he doesn't have any gin left. He starts losing it. You can't be a passenger in a plane that has a nickname. Like, old Lucy's never done me wrong. Yeah, banging on the...

That or a captain who gets out and walks to the back and comes up and hands you a parachute and says, hold until my go. I don't want to be in anything that would have to stop for gas, either. Well, we got to fly by acreage

and pick up some fuel. What the fuck? What are we doing? We got to wrap her up here, gang. What a fun one. Yup, it was a hooting out there at Chukku Charlies. Gang, tickets are still available for the... For our show in Alaska.

Two salmon to get in. One salmon with the promo code. Uh... Tickets are still available at Gramercy Theatre February 3rd, 7 o'clock. Maybe that's going. They're low. That's under a hundo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be going.

Fuck me. I was trying to do a little business. I know. I'm just letting them know there's urgency out there. Get cooking. Get them going, baby. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week.