Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Shark Week is Trash w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

We got a family episode baby! Kippy and Foley answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Factor 75: https://go.factor75.com/Garbage130 Promo Code: GARBAGE130 Box of Awesome: https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Manscaped: https://www.Manscaped.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Hachi, Machi, that middle class famous tour is in full swing, Gipperino. You ain't lyin', Fatty. It's a live comedy show. We play the little AYG with the crowd. Great way to introduce people to the show, bring the squad, come out and see us. We're comin', baby.

Yeah, gang, these tickets are selling quickly, so make sure you get your tickets. We're comin' in, we're gonna be Red Bank, New Jersey, then we're goin' to Seattle, Portland, all in August, then in September, we're goin' Kansas City, Springfield, St. Louis, then we're goin' down under Nashville, Hittin' Indy, comin' home to Philly, baby,

the chicken's gotta come home to roost, then we're hittin' Providence, Rhode Island, up there to Beantown, get those tickets. Let's go. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Oh, yeah. Little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash.

I'm your host, H. Foley, comin' at ya on a sweltering day. Hot! Down here at Aunt Toddy's basement, I go into that broad's room. She's got two fuckin' window units in there. It's like a sheets in that place. I told her, fuckin', you open the door, share the love.

It's like a walk-in. Fuckin' pouring sweat in my room. I feel like I'm in episode of M.A.S.H. My co-host is comin' at ya from across the table. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman. He is not to be trifled with in the boardroom or the bedroom.

Yeah, yeah. And he really stinks up the bathroom, I can tell you that. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. Hey gang, thanks for tuning in. And as always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe over there on iTunes. Please.

Full video available on YouTube, as you know those numbers are. Trudder out! Cook it! Just crossed 80,000 of them motherfuckers. Love it. Garbage grows and we love you and we appreciate it. New troops every day.

What else? Is that it? Patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. You sign up, you get bonus content. And baby, it's gonna be fuckin' flying off the shelf in there with the weekly episodes of AYG. Weekly episodes of Hard Feelings, which is arguably better than AYG.

And when we do, we just crossed our, we just did the Fittori Family Reunion. Dave and Buster's actually out by the time, this is out of people. Shout out. The fuck advantage is that? Kidding. Also, we got campings lined up.

We're gonna be going camping in two weeks. It's gonna be a whole fuckin' thing. We got Disney comin' up too. Disney, we had to reschedule Disney, but it's comin' up. We got some other cool things that'll work. Yeah, so do us a favor, get over here to Patreon, check it out, it's a good time.

And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire. Very funny standup New York City comedian. We love him, you fuckin' love him. He crosses the T's, he dots the I's. He works the ones and twos. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullin, everybody.

What up, dudes? There you are, pal. Yeah, we're gonna pop a fire hydrant or what, dude? It is hot as fuck. Summer in the city, baby. I'm gonna fuckin' get myself arrested so I can cool off at fuckin' Rikers for a couple hours. Three hops and a cop, let's do it.

This is fuckin' ridiculous. It fuckin' sucks, dude. Fuckin' crazy out there, man. Sweatin', plus you gotta fuckin' beg the Uber guys to fuckin' turn the AC around. They get real fuckin' chintzy with it. Oh, you cracked that window, it's fuckin'... They put the heat on, it's like, come on, man.

I'm trying to get the best of both worlds. I'm payin' for premium. And like, what? I'm fuckin' the bill on you, fuckin'. I see you rollin' around in a fuckin' Escalade, like fuckin' your Joe Biden. That happened one time and it was a movie premiere and I wanted to impress my wife.

Are you in this? No, I'm not. No, but I interviewed a guy who was in it. Liz snubbed ya. He signs my head. Shout out to Joe Liz, the Mr. Louis UK. Love the movie. And that fuckin' feature film, Fourth of July,

if you haven't seen it, do yourself a fuckin' favor and check it out, it's phenomenal. How many Ubers did you take in the past 48 hours? I would like to know, cause I don't keep tabs. This is more hard feelings. I don't keep tabs on ya, but there was a lot of Henry charges on it. Those records are sealed.

I can't just fuckin' tell everybody that. What are you talkin' about? Toby, switch over to Patreon real quick. Hit the switch, let me switch it over. It was a call, well, I'll say that. Let's tease out for hard feelings. We don't want after this. You're not gonna be happy.

No, I sold the charges. I am not happy. I'm like Kylie Jenner, fuckin' float around. Three minute flights. Did you have a helicopter in the Bronx? I wanted to go to the game. I'm takin' Blade back and forth in a stair. No, funny, funny, funny, funny.

But, I went to, I don't go to a lot of events, right? I went to a UFC event, and this was a dirtbag move. Did you win? D.K., this is me versus a hot dog. Mustard all over the- Also, shout out to the fuckin' army of garbage that was in attendance, baby. Yeah?

I mean, a UFC fight in Long Island is our demo, by the way, but, you know- I'm gonna hand you a belt. But, this is what I, I didn't think of this, and we went with our good friend, Brian, and he was like- Shout out to B. Morton. He goes, so we get there, and he goes,

you know what you wanna do? I go, what's that? He goes, we had already had really good seats. Tell him you're a cut man and gettin' a ring. You brought your bucket, right, Kip? I'm like, what the fuck? Soap this pork chop real quick. See how good you are.

And maybe we've met, I don't know, he said, you get to your seats. And then you pull out, stub hub, and see what's unsold, so you can move closer. But you've already paid for your seat. Yeah, but we were, we had really good seats. Oh, oh, you mean not pay for the new seats? No, just see what's available.

That way, you know no one's gonna come and sit there. Holy shit. And I was like- Wouldn't they shoo you back anyway? What do you mean? Wouldn't the ushers come- I mean, we were on the floor. Right.

But like, they don't know where, they just let, once you're on the floor, it's kinda wherever you, I mean, you have your seats, but like, they're not checking every aisle. Okay. So like, if I, if you look and be like, oh, the third row's open, you can just walk up,

fucking yeah, where seats 12, 13, and 14, and you know those tickets aren't sold. Yeah, they don't do that shit up in the Bronx, man. They'll fucking yank you out of there like a fucking high school kid. Yeah, Steinbrenner don't play. No, no, just trying to get close to Aaron Judge. But that's-

That wasn't happening. That was like, holy fuck. I was like, that's a fucking solid move. That's nice. That's fucking sneaky. That's something I can get behind. No, I didn't have the ball to do it. I was getting recognized.

You couldn't get thrown out at the same time. You moved two, you moved two, three seats back. Just to be safe. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. All right, gang. Just a family episode.

Sure. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon air, we answer your questions right here, live on the air. On the air. And we're going to do that right now. Kevin James speaking of your vibes, dude, you do that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Turning it to reach us real fucking quick.

We might have to turn the AC on. He's fucking overeating. Woo! Holy shit. He's fucking- Yeah, and he windshield wiper fluids. His brain's going to be bubbling in a minute. Cool me down a little bit.

You ever pee in a radiator? What? No, I don't know. Where did you grow up, dude? Never rocked. Never robbed banks in the 20s? I mean, well, pee on a radio here, what's that get you? Because it's too hot.

What? Yeah, you pee in it if you're out of water in the radiator. Oh. What, he's in the house? I think he meant just for the weekend, I didn't know. See, when the boys are fucking letting loose, I genuinely thought you meant like the air conditioner

on the side of the house or something. I didn't know. No, but I have scratched those things on the window. Oh, body scratching the coils. Ah, jeez. Man, that's a good way to get Patty to give you a right hook. Yeah. Fucking start scratching it down like a squirrel.

I got yelled at, and I'm like, that shit doesn't fucking matter. You got yelled at. I think it does. It seals something up. No, it doesn't. Feels real good. It doesn't. Yeah, you used to put like, you used your thumb

to put your initials in there or something. It's a KJ arm, and I was like, you cocksuck. I'm like, it wasn't me, I swear. For a good time, called an easy piece of shit. That's good stuff. Yeah, shout out. That was a fucking great pastime. You know what else I had in the front of our house?

We had that big green humming box. The fuck was in there? I don't know, like the big green power, but I still don't know. Yeah, that's new neighborhood shit. It's a transformer. Yeah, that's new neighborhood stuff. Kippy in disguise. Fat little shit, sitting on the couch.

Not playing sports or scoring with chicks. He sits there and watches the show. How old was I? If I was eight, it'd be weird if I was scoring with chicks. He could be laying some groundwork out there, pressing the flesh a little bit. How you doing? I'm Kippy, and three years, I'm going to want to fuck you.

Yeah, that was new neighborhood shit. You saw that shit in the neighborhood. I got jealous. That and retaining ponds. He's really setting your. Retaining ponds was a sign of a wealthy neighborhood. It's a sign of a basement. No, a basement.

I'm talking about in the neighborhood. Sure. I thought I had to do something with basements and flooding and the water table or something. I knew we couldn't afford it. I could tell you that. You guys couldn't afford a hole in the ground. Fucking swamp pump city over, holy shit.

We used to go swimming in them. In a big flood, but you would just have to stay away because that hole, that fucking, that hole from it was in there, the sewer. Catch the whirlpool. Oh, man, that all fucking. So we used to get inner tubes and boogie boards and shit. End up in Haiti.

Floating out the sewer. I get spit out. I got a pina colada in my hand and a sombrero on. Sun glasses are all fucked up. Hey. So fucked. Talk about Margarita. Hey, Kippy.

Yeah, that's like the upside down. That was fucking frightening. I remember doing that at the time, being like, we shouldn't be doing it. Oh, 100%. Anytime we had a strong rain. Hurricane season. It was like having a pool in your backyard.

Dude, we were fucking partying. We had the creek over at Townline Townhouse Communities. How do you call it a creek or a creek? Crick is the trashiest word in the, it's not in the di, trashiest word in America is crick. A creek, down the creek. No, we said creek, I think. Yeah, we were, I would coin flip.

We did fish for little crawdads though. They were everywhere. Couldn't eat them, but still pick them up. I tried. Still pick them up and play with them. Crawdads. Yeah. Bluebell, Pennsylvania.

I'm telling you, we had these little tiny lobsters that were in the creek. I swear to God, man. Little fucking Jimmy John. You fucking pick them up and hold them up. Just take them in a girl's face, fucking throw them back. But that thing would flood. It ran down the whole side of the property

and then it hit a road and had the sewer that went in there. There was a grate on the other side that would like catch leaves and shit. Or fucking little Timmy, if you get sucked in there. If you went in there, it was fucking, yeah, start splitting up the baseball cards. I get the huffy. He ain't going to need it where he's going.

Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking frightening. And it would like proper fucking flood and have a strong current. And we'd be in there fucking swimming, not to mention what kind of fucking chemical runoff is in there. Yeah, fucking crazy. Strengths in your immune system, though. Yeah.

But never in a retaining pond. Oh, yeah, you were gentlemen. You were in a crick. Well, you didn't have that kind of money. With the blue bell lobsters. Yeah. How you fucking scumbag? Couldn't eat them.

I saw a lady swimming in the East River the other day. I'm so upset. You're not alive. I'm going to do it. I'm so fucking mad. It's so hot out right now. And we're on an island and you can't, this is hell. This is what hell is.

I was thinking about that when we were in Staten Island. What the fuck? One time I jump in the Hudson, it's going to kill me. What about Sully Sullenberger? Those guys were all right. He was in the middle of winter, too. He was. They weren't swimming, though.

They were having a little. I'm sure they got wet. They got wet. They got wet. They took a shower afterwards. They weren't tubing. It's not. Still, I'll hold my nose.

Put a cork in my ass. I don't think. Why? It's the weekend. So the eels get in there if you pay them enough. You wouldn't be afraid of something going up there? Yeah. In the East River?

Anywhere. No, they eat. Yeah, I'm always scared of that stuff. Oh, by the way, good luck getting me in the fucking ocean with all these fucking shark attacks doing drive-bys and shit out in fucking Long Island. It's fucking insane. I'm out.

I'm out for good. Till climate change really takes it all away. I ain't going into water. Did we talk about this? We might have mentioned it on a Patreon episode. But there's been more attacks. And I'm not fucking doing it. You're never going in the ocean again?

Never going in the ocean again. No. And I don't know about lakes either. Damn, this is nuts, too. And I have this picture, and I'll try to find it. It was always folklore of my uncle was out fishing. Shout out to my uncle John. My uncle John was out fishing.

And they caught a. Wrestler in Orca? No, they caught, like, I think a shark. Like another shark, like a small fucking tiger shark. They caught a big fish, which I believe was a shark. I forget, or like a marlin or something. And they have it at the back of the boat, right? And they're like, you know, they, they gaffed it.

It comes up, you fucking hook it. And you're like sitting there. And those things are tough to get on the boat. So you like, they're all, you always drag them for a little bit once it gets to the boat. And. Tire them out. They're sitting there fucking taking pictures of it, right?

Like old school, like film picture, like a disposable camera or something. And as he's taking a bunch of pictures, a fucking great white comes up and eats it. So you see it like kind of come out. I saw all the pictures. I posted them on Facebook somewhere years ago. Cause this, and I never fucking believed it.

And then they were like moving or something. He goes, here are these pictures. And it's literally a great white. Call me a liar, you little pussy. Yeah, you fucking bald headed 12 year old. Yeah, fuck that. And coming out and eating the whole fuck. It was, it was, it was just like the head

of the fucking marlin or whatever. Ooh, no, no. See, I'm telling you, man. You know where that was? Where? Bluebell Crick. Be careful out there, Patty. Pennsylvania lobsters.

Yeah, man. Fuck all that shit. I ain't doing it. There's something going on. I don't know if it's climate change, whatever it is. Yeah. They're getting ballsy. They're coming in close.

I know, but what? There's something with the fresh water and the rain water and the this and the that and I'm out. Yeah, but how many people swim in the Atlantic Ocean a day? It doesn't matter. It does have millions, millions of people. Not millions. How many people?

What? Couple hundred. It's millions of people go in the Atlantic Ocean a day. Look how many shark attacks there's been in the last month. Yeah, it's still like one out of, how many people swim in the ocean? Hundreds of millions of a month.

It doesn't matter. And if there's one a month, that's one in a hundred million? It's going to keep getting worse. They're going to be coming on land soon. Soon as they can start driving, we're in real trouble. Start sticking you up, steal your wallet. Start hacking. But the East River and the surrounding water

of Manhattan has always bothered me. I saw a family swimming in the Hudson one time, like playing, like the kids had like rubber duckies and stuff. That's dangerous. I know. It's the current. It's not the pollution. I think GE did a little number on the Hudson River

in the 70s. No, it's the pollution is you're not allowed to eat crab. You're only allowed to eat like six crabs a month out of the East River. Dude, if you're eating fucking crabs that have a limit on it like that, dude, switch to the fake stuff. It ain't that bad.

That's nuts. I'll go Maryland blue crab. Ooh, shout out to them. Got it in the chest of river there. Little bacon, pull them right out. Num, num, num, num, num. That's what they eat on. Give them bacon.

You give crabs bacon? Yeah, you put it in a little cage. You put it down there. No, that's real dirt bag shit. What are you using? Bunker. What's bunker? Baitfish for crab.

No, no, use bacon. Where do crabs eat bacon? When they go to the diner? What are you talking about? They've only had bacon because you've given them bacon. Yeah, that's why they love it. Don't eat anything, it's meat. There you go.

Get the maple fucking syrup chum. Is it cut? Yeah. I mean, they got that Canadian shit today. Go back, it ain't worth it. You're not using it on a holiday, Sausage. Dickhead, what are you doing? No, the currents in the East River are really bad

because the water's like fighting each other. It's fresh water and salt water mixing together. That's further down, right? I think it's all around the island. No, no, no. They suck you out to sea. Plus, they got them tankers out there. Suck you off.

As of July 20th, there have been 49 shark attacks in 2022. That's nuts. Six fatal, eight provoked. Provoked, salt pussy. What are you, a nurse shark? You even have teeth? Hey, your mom's a hammerhead, dork. Fuck you, safe pussy.

Get out of here. Provoked. Who's what the fuck? Talking about walking around in a bad neighborhood. I was hanging on a coral reef. I went to an ATM, I shouldn't have. Two of them were UPS guys. Just trying to do their job.

Dude, what the fuck, man? Six fatal. Dude, six out of 100 million people that have gone swimming. That number might be inflated, but 40 million people have swam in the fucking. Think about how many people are wild wood alone. Sharks don't go there. Sharks don't eat poor people.

They're all drunk. And there's no meat on those legs. Ended up catching herpes. Everybody's on dialysis, isn't she? But it is crazy that we haven't built something in Brooklyn on the water on the shoreline or in Manhattan on the shoreline where you swim in the river, but you block it out.

I think it's pollution. Is it? I think so, man. Because in Hawaii, they have these fucking man-made coves. They have those everywhere. Yeah, I mean, like you go to like the DR or somewhere, they have like, they have it not at all. So the fucking sharkies don't do that.

It's still scary though, man, to get in there and look. They get through. They're what we call in the biz a puse. They get through. They don't get through. Yeah, they do. They jump at night. That fucking deep blue sea

where they smash the fucking window. When did that happen? That was a good movie. Shout out to Hello Cool J. Dude, he didn't make it in that, right? It was the only guy, spoiler alert. He was the only guy to make it. Him and the parrot, I think.

Because he didn't do too good. Him and the white guy who looks like every other white guy that was in those movies. He didn't do too good in Anaconda. That was ice cube. The snake's out there, it is big. My favorite lines ever. He didn't make it.

Ice cube, yeah, he did. He survived? Have you seen any movie? I believe him and J.Lo made it. Okay. John Void on the other hand. Yikes, he had it coming though. God damn it, Baron.

He was looking for trouble, provoking. He got eaten and then opened up, right? He was in it alive. They cut open the snake or it spit him back up and he was alive. Did he eat him again? I think it was a documentary, right? No, he was.

Watch that again tonight. My summer viewing. All right, let's get into some. I mean, I'm sure this is a hacky premise, but it is fucked up. They run Shark Week in July. It is scary, everybody. Yeah, why?

But who's doing that? Big shark? I don't get it. They want, because they- The Shark Lobby, who wins for that? Nobody gives a fuck about sharks at fucking after Thanksgiving. You gotta fucking do it when people are fucking scared.

That's why they tune in, because they want that fear. Can't, but let's talk about that. Manscaped. Manscaped best in the biz. Best in the biz. Only in the biz, I would say. For below the waist grooming. Here's a bombshell I'm about to drop on you.

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promo code Garbage. Now back to the show. Back to the show. All right, guys, as the big man stated, this is a family episode. We answer your questions from the Patreon, your garbage questions. We get a shit ton of submissions, email, fucking DMs.

I mean, somebody knocked on my door the other day and was like, hey, is it garbage? Does you fucking shove mayo up your ass? I said, fucking, hey, mailman, get out of here. But the Patreon gets first crack at it. This one, very on topic. Well, we're the king of segues over here. Yes, sir.

It just naturally happens. This one's from Scotty B. Scotty B. Have you ever smoked a seag in the ocean? Yeah, fuck yeah. I don't think I have. I've definitely done the lake and probably the bay. I don't know if I've ever done it in the ocean.

Sandbar, Kaneohe Bay, Oahu, Hawaii. Oh, all right. If I can rip in heaters and suck them down white claws. Okay. And eating these Korean barbecue ribs, these little, little half ribs that have these little. Sounds like you're at a restaurant. I'm not gonna lie.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Cook them right down the pontoon boat. Yeah. They throw them out to you. Then you throw the little bones into the water. Let the turtles get it. They love it. You know what that does.

Yeah, here we go. We're full circle. It is the smokers dream to have that really good. Like you're like, I'm doing something relaxing. I should also do this. Like double it up. A heater and a pool. A heater and a pool.

It is all right. Dry in your hands. But they're never dry enough. You're like, you know. I go, when I go into Patty's pool, I keep my arms up. And I go over to the sea. From the windows. Wow.

I walk into like a surgeon fucking. And then set my little stuff up over there on the side there on the side rail. Put the umbrella up fucking. Rip heaters. Yeah. Sigs in a pool. Good.

You can't throw it in the ocean though. That's a bad look. Okay. Ripping a butt and fucking flipping it. We, yeah. Then they find turtles and shit with fucking a half a pack of Paul malls in them. I'm not condoning this, but in the 90s,

we littered a lot off of boats. We just didn't know better. And we were told that salt dissolves it or eats it. Really? Yeah. I mean, there was no scientist on board, but Bill Nye wasn't the captain. You're throwing old bikes out there.

No, of course. Fucking building reeds. You would rip the cores like you. Rip the cores like you. You're throwing beer cans in the ocean? Yeah. Check to see if that dissolves. What are you fucking?

No, it doesn't. Are you sure? No. Salt eats everything. Maybe over 30 years. Whatever. Holy shit. We used to go deep sea fishing too.

Like way out, way, way, like fucking. I mean, not there. That's what I'm saying. I mean, I wasn't doing it in the pool. How long does it take for a cores like can of aluminum, whether in a can or cooking utensils, protected by a thin aluminum oxide coating that adheres very strongly and is extremely resistant

to dissolving in seawater. These were different cans. I said, tuna cans. We'd rub the aluminum off. What's this? I heard about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods. No.

What's that for? The rake was broken. So I returned it to its home. Billy Madden, or Abby Gilmore. But we used to go out. You go, you would, it would freak you. It's real eerie. You get out there.

I'm talking like, you're like four hours out. Four hours? You're out there. You're out in like the canyon. The Great Continental Canyon or whatever the fuck they are. Elephant's Tusk Canyon or something. You're like out there. So it's like the continent.

So it's like, whatever. And then drops to like, you know, I like a million fathoms or something. Like it like, to like, nothing. You RF Buckley fathoms, what are you talking about? I'm an article man at the end of the day. And you troll a lot. His forehead was 40 fathoms.

But that's also like the inner coast way or whatever. No, the inner coast of the waterway is not that far out. I know. Whatever, everything meets there kind of. So it's like the water's coming up from Florida. So you just everywhere, like there's just pulled like shit. There'd be like a baby doll's head and it's like real fucking,

there'd be like a fucking just wild shit floating out. There's no water slides down here. I feel like looking around like, what the fuck? Dude, like four hours out. Man, that's, you're done. Something happens out there. Yeah. I mean, what do you mean something happens?

I don't know. A fight on the boat? Well, I mean, you have like radios. If the boat went down, four hours, I could get to your four hours. I know, but they have one of those like fucking, you know, it looks like a chopper. It looks like a duffel bag.

You're fucking, it looks like a duffel bag and you pull a string. Full of weed. Yeah, a little fucking. It's not little, but it pops up and it holds like eight people for like eight days. You know what lifeboats are sweet? The ones on the cargo ships.

They're like, they look like little submarines. The one that Captain Phillips was in at the end. Ooh, those things are nice. Yeah. That I wouldn't mind. I just watched that documentary on Pearl Harbor. Yeah. What happened?

Talk about a mix up. Geez. Couple of guys dropped the ball over there. It was a lot. They're like, I saw 78 planes coming in, but I thought it was something else. Like, what do you mean something else? Thought the air show was starting.

What the fuck, the blue angels come on. Fucking taking heavy artillery fire over here, John. Fuck that. Four hours out at sea. Yeah. You really find out who you are. Especially the guy who's driving, you know, a little boozed up, but there's nothing to hit out there.

So you're pretty good. Except for baby doll heads. Yeah. I don't like that. You know, you could find out there. You see like propane tanks floating and shit? Like it like, just like a wild amount of trash. Jesus.

Well, there's that thing, the trash island off the coast of fucking, burrs always ranting about it. You ever looked that thing up? Yeah. It's pretty wild. Yeah, it's ugly. I would say the worst part about getting on a boat

is when you get the extra life vests from underneath and it's all beer stained and moldy. Cold and wet. I don't mind that. Cold and wet. You already got down once? No, everything on a boat is like in those like fucking storage containers and holes and the holes.

I feel like those things kill you, the life vests. I don't want to be loose. I'd love to. Let's do the mashed potato if I need to. I went a lot of times like squeezing my neck, holding me up. I feel like you're just like a fucking olive floating in a fucking martini for a shark to get you.

I want to be able to stick and move. Please give me a fighting chance against them. What? I can wade. No, you couldn't wade for more than 10 minutes. That's not true at all. I'm very buoyant. Someone, yeah, someone just did this though.

I think like Barstool just did it. The guy lasted like, like it's like wildly hard. Really? Yeah. You have to constantly use every muscle in your body for that whole time. All right. Yeah.

Anywho, this one's from Shane. Is it garbage if my girlfriend's father still cuts her hair? He's a retired doctor in Sheesh 25. What the fuck? That's something. You wish you have a bowl cut? Something's weird with that. That's weird.

It's weird you're dating abroad with a high and tight. One on the sides and three on the top. That's nuts. Yeah. How could he do a good job? I think it's more sexual. It's just not sexual, but a most something. That's weird.

That's a weird bond. That's a weird connection. Patty cut my hair once or twice. Then I cut my own one time. Yeah. That was that for that. I told you I had my, made my mom put a number one in the back of my head one summer.

Cause I was number one. She did a pretty good job. I got to give it to her. She free handed the whole thing on the deck. That's crazy. Damn dude. Fucking, that's weird. That's yeah.

You should knock that. What does she, I mean, she must have some like real basic kind of haircut. He's not like fucking giving her a blowout and shit like that. Putting color in. Yeah, maybe. If he was a retired salon owner, okay. But a fucking pediatrician or whatever.

Man, that's fucking, that's garbage. Yeah. Also like, I, I don't know. You know, I feel like that's also with the women. That's a big, you know, that's a big deal. Who does your hair? Let's go.

Oh my God. You use Tiffany. I go to Marco, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know. Expensive as shit. My dad does it in the garage. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, those, those ladies' haircuts

are fucking really something else. Two tree $400, fucking highlights, this and that, blow dry, snip, cut, fucking braid ends, whatever. No, it's what we always wanted somebody to do. Or I guess I always wanted to do, like you get like the straight razor and like thin it out. Yeah, I have that. I get that done.

Really? Yeah. Wow. I get that done. Can I do it? Patreon, come on. Let me do it one time. At least my throat.

You never loved me. Fucking Sweeney Ryan over here. Fucking hitting my carotid. I'm out. Kippy Todd. Those are pretty good videos. What? Where they have somebody in the barber chair.

Let me burn it. Let me, let me do like the. Get the fuck out of here. Those Middle Eastern dudes doing fucking tighten you up. No, what am I? Come on. It's fucking supercuts in Mumbai. Are you fucking nuts?

No, we're not doing that. Why? No, when they have the guy close his eyes and they, and they're shaving his neck and they pretend like they cut him with a straight razor. That's me. The guy's always passed out. It's awesome.

Yeah, what? And they freak out. They're like, oh my God. Oh, that's a good time. That you could do, but you're not setting my hair on there. I mean, you would know if I did it then. Yeah, exactly. I'd still be able to convince you I killed you, I think.

All right, let's see here. This one's for Matt C. Shout out to Matt who I recently just met. Have you ever taken someone else's cash tip that was left on the bar and passed it to the bartender as your own tip? That's a dirt ball move. Well, I wouldn't call it dirt.

What are you, somebody else's? What? Yes, that's stealing. Oh, what are you, a saint all of a sudden? I'm not doing that shit. Doing what shit? It's fucking stealing somebody's tips and passing it off as my own.

And what does, I guess that guy screwed you. Here you go. Yeah, it's that guy's problem. Nah, that's fucked up. That's not even garbage. That's trash. Yeah, next question. Have you done that?

Yeah, I've done that. I've been a poor alcoholic. But I tell you what. I've done it not too long ago. Bartenders catch you doing that. They're fucking fuming. No, I did it not too long ago. I remember a couple of guys fucking fucked up

at Martells when I used to work there, taking tips off the bar and the fucking bartenders. Taking tips off the bar is different. I would never take a tip off the bar. It's still the same thing. No, it's not. I mean, it's up there. No, it's not.

I'm just tricking you to think I tipped and that guy didn't. I didn't touch the money. I didn't do anything. You're still theoretically taking their money. No, no, no, no. Because you're not giving your share. I'm setting an illusion that that money was mine.

That's different. Take it from behind their ear. Is this your quarter? I did, I was at a comedy. I was at a comedy. I was working. I was poor, man. What do you want from me?

And somebody had left like a 20. He paid with a 50 and left a 20 or something. And I was eating and drinking. That's 10 for me and 10 for him. I was my dad, by the way. One bill. Thanks for, you know, I'm on stage. I forget exactly the mechanics of it,

but he thought I had left it for him. When he hooked you up, I remember this. Thank you so much, man. Holy shit. Hey, just doing my part, buddy. It took me a half a second, you know? And I was like, ah, you've been working hard. Hey, Gary, you know what, that's for you.

I did that. You know what? Give me five back. How about that? Can you break this for me? Yeah, give me quarters. Three of that's for you, okay? I did pull the move at Dave and Buster's though.

Here we go. That guy had a bucket out. The bartender had a bucket. Yeah, how did you tip that guy? I didn't. I said, we'll take care of it at the end. I assume you whacked him at the end with the card. I'm not gonna lie.

I was, yeah, I did. He did. He was like, there's a tip on that already. And I tipped him 50 cash when we got there. Nice, there you go. To make him play ball. Yeah. I didn't want to, but it was all I had from spot pay.

There you go. Yeah. I said, here, that's for you. And then he was Johnny on the spot with the bubble. Johnny on the spot. Yeah, he was all right. And then he's like, there's an 18% tip included. Nice.

There you go. Okay, cool. But I thought I would take care at the end. I had no cash on me. Yeah, it's real deal. I mean, you were wearing basketball shorts. It was a real dirtbag shit. But while it's in my suit, I apologize.

This one is from Rabia Ali Roberto. First time, longtime homie. Do you call it ground beef or hamburger meat? I'm a hamburger meat, man, myself. Get some hamburger meat. I told you,inge upstate they call it hamburger. Get some hamburger meat in there. Yeah, that's fucking hamburger meat.

That sounds like you can't read. It literally sounds like that. That's like someone who's just moved here and is learning the language and has to like piece. That's how I feel like I sound when I go to another country and I can like piece together what I want. You call pork big meat? Yeah.

Some big meat. Oh yeah, hamburger meat was fucking brought out of the freezer before mom went to work. She put it in a fucking silver bowl, half filled with water in the sink. And that's where it sat until she came home. And I ate it after she left. To make my hamburger helper.

Shout out to the stroganoff flavor. Delicious. Just me and Patty, my brother was off at school. My dad was on the road. We were talking about this the other day. Somebody had brought up hamburger helper. God damn. And then there's other helpers, correct?

Yeah, tuna. Which has to be, that's the truck. Like turkey helper or something. Turkey helper's okay. Tuna, tuna helper would be the shittiest. No, I would argue any deviation. Hamburger helper is shitty. Not saying it's not good.

It's not a fucking Michelin star product. Right? Okay. Then you're... They might have won one year. You're won, it was runner up. You're watering that down with turkey helper. Fucking tuna helper, chicken helper. Tuna helper's pretty bad.

Hamburger helper works because it's HH. That's true. Turkey helper doesn't sound like anything. It's so fucking good, man. You know? When that cools down to where you can just scarf it down. Out of the pan. You know, I used to do this.

Oh, fuck yeah. You know what, I was a big out of the pan guy. The fucking rice oroni or those nor noodles. When fucking... Put the words right out of my mouth. The nor noodles will congeal a little bit. Oh, you can cut them with a knife. You look at them like a gentleman.

Yeah. Right out of the fucking, out of the pot. And rice oroni. With the long spaghetti in there. Versailles. Vermicelli. Vermicelli. The vermicelli sound like somebody who lived next door

to us. Sounds like mice. Tony, vermicelli? I always thought it sounded like mice. Vermicelli. I don't know what it is. Is it vermicelli? It's vermicelli, yeah.

No, it sounds like vermicelli, Toyota. I'm telling you. Shout out to him, man. No, the savings are thin. Whoa. Hey, there's no bad ideas at work shopping. That one was bad. I'm trying to get a campaign off the ground here.

Hold on a second. That was a fucking homerun. That was a fucking killer, man. Homerun. Hamburger meat sounds so trashy. I don't know what else you would... Yeah, it's hamburger. Ground beef.

I know, but... Well, your meatballs, the... I didn't eat meatballs till about 28 years old. You didn't like meatballs. I didn't eat red meat for a very long time. God damn. Yeah, I'm a weird kid, man. I wonder why you're bald.

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is like 30% pork, 30% veal, 30% whatever it is. No, not the fat content. It's three different meats. Okay. It's like, it's swirl. Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah, yeah. Yeah, our meatballs, for most of my life, Patty was just, there were just little,

they were just round hamburgers. That's how she did it with some breadcrumbs in it. Same thing with her meatloaf too. I don't think she chopped it up, mixed it up. It was just straight hamburger meat. So you asked me questions about like, did your mom do this, did your mom, I wasn't eating a whole bunch of it.

So I don't know. That's crazy. You know what I mean? Hit me with some chicken nuggies and some mac and cheese. Your bird throw out a decent meatloaf down here? Oh yeah, except for one year, she went vegetarian against the will of the whole family

and put out a lentil loaf that almost started a revolution. Oh man. Burn the witch. A lentil loaf. I bet you've done right, it's probably not bad. And the word on the street is your mom's a pretty good cook. Probably does it nice.

Those vegan foods are pretty good. They're not bad. Sure. Yeah, well, a lentil loaf is a tough look, I feel. Could be. Just call it something else. Yeah, they shouldn't do that. Like they shouldn't, one time we-

You can't meet, first of all, meatloaf is a tough combination of words, meatloaf. The only reason where it's okay- I think it rolls off the tongue. Is because we're conditioned to hear it. You just put loaf on the end of anything else, you don't want it. Big fifties thing, everything was a loaf.

Yeah. Because the fucking husbands were working and the moms were all on pills. In the fifties? Oh yeah. Fucking they were boop boop boop. Fucking ludes, meth, the whole nine yards. Shout out to the Sackler family.

Yeah, let's go. The head of the curve. Sackler family. Keepin' the good times going, huh? Ah, fuck, what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, one time we had- You had loaf on the brain. Oh, I got loaf on the brain.

We had, we went up to Sleepy Hollow one time. We went to this vegetarian or vegan restaurant and we had vegan buffalo wings, which is tempeh. You know what tempeh is? It's like soy compressed together. I'll say, yeah, sure. It's awesome. And they were fucking awesome

and the blue cheese was awesome. And it was fantastic. Don't call it chicken wings. Yeah. Nothing else. Give it a, stay what it is. I understand. Buffalo tempeh.

Sure. You don't need to convince us. Like the fake burgers and all that stuff. Don't try to do that. Be who you are. That's what I say. Listen to that, kids. Be who you are.

Hear that, let the loaf. Be who you are. Don't hide yourself. Have you ever used meatloaf as bread on a sandwich? Hmm. Ah, listen. No. I'm not a big meatloaf guy.

Oh, that was a question. You just were falling. I was trying to be polite, man. Are you talking to me? It's the move I can see you doing. 100%. I've had a meatloaf sandwich on my day. Take two slices of meatloaf.

You have to do it while it's cold. So this is the next day. You slice it about the thickness of a Texas toast. Okay, then you put your cheese, your lunch meat, your pepperoni, whatever you have in the house in there. And then you do it like a grilled cheese. But you eat it with a knife and fork. What's your next question?

I don't know. We got to take your blood pressure, I'm sure, though. Or you just eat it cold, which is pretty good. Cold meatloaf the next day is great, because it's nice and firm. Also reminds me of my dad. Like a cliff bar. Wait, why?

They used to just eat cold stuff out of the fridge and it really turned me off. It's the best. The best. Oh, Connor knows what's up. He eats cold lasagna. I understand it now as I'm older, but, you know, I have a... I prefer it sometimes.

Sure. Plus two lids, it heated up. Let's go. There we go. I ate some stir fry, some turkey stir fry that we got a traitor due. Okay. Got the bird made.

Next day, it was gone. Right out of the thing. Ice cold. Picked up on that. Delicious. All right, this one's from SCIR. Is it garbage to pre-weigh your airplane luggage on the scale at the supermarket?

Saw two people doing this at Publix and immediately thought of you guys. What the fuck? You're just doing it there in front of the people. What if you don't have, you know, what if it's too much or whatever? Yeah, then you just take some shit. Which is another garbage thing.

If you're there, if you have to open your luggage at the airport. I saw that. I've done it. And it literally almost led to a divorce. I'm not even fucking around. My wife was going back to Germany with like a bunch of, I forget what it was.

Beatles tapes and blue jeans. They're real in the Levi's. I think she was here. Cigarettes and chocolate. Trying to sneak them over at checkpoint, Charlie. I think she was here for like six months and then going home before she finally moved here. And it was like, she had so much stuff.

And I was fucking, dude, we're there with like multiple. And it wasn't like she came in at like 52 and a half pounds. She came in at like 88. So then I have, dude, I was cat. Take that microwave out. What do you think? Taking one shoe, leaving the other. Like it was a chaos.

I was that guy sweating. That's a tough, but stopping at a grocery store and you're way to the airport is ultimate trash. I mean, we've bought in scales. I remember when- You have one right here. Yeah. We all vote.

I mean, fucking Toby weighs the luggage every time we go on the road. There you go. That's kind of sad. That's the same scale you use the way me, but- Yeah. I mean, we literally, I literally bought that off like and at a farm website.

There was a horse on the cover of the box. Mules are us. I thought that was going to do well. I get it, man. I, you know, it's not, it's definitely not classy, but it's like, yeah, I guess go buy a scale. But if you're going to go buy a scale, why don't you be like, I'll pay the extra fucking $50

and you know- Can you just walk in? Where's your scales at grocery stores? What do you go to the loading dock? That's one of those- There's like one of those- Ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, where the, what is it like?

Maybe for like- By the, by the candy? Like what, would I guess your weight? Maybe they have a guess your weight machine. I'm going to go 50 though. Trust in some carny. I'm sure for maybe like the recycling, a lot of places have like different,

a lot of places outside New York and the region have other kind of things going on at the grocery stores. Sure. Like the propane fucking tanks in the ice outside. Yeah, those propane tanks always scared me. Outside of a locked up. Can you put that shit in the back? I think it's so nervous hooking those up.

I don't know why. I've never had a bad experience, but I'm just like, man, this could go south. Oh, fucking blow your whole fucking everything off. Y'all might be like, get out of here. You can stand back. You hear that hiss? I get nervous too when I'm lighting up the grill

and I smell the propane and the fucking thing's not going. And I think I got about 0.2 seconds for I take out the whole neighborhood. I've had that blow in my face. Like I didn't, I had the lid down. I feel like Oppenheimer. I had the lid down or something. Me and my friends were grilling at an age

where we were drunk and shouldn't have been grilling. They're like 17 or 16 or something. And my body is like, I'm like, oh, let me, it was closed so all the gas build up. And then like I open back draft. It was dude. I opened it and he had pressed it and it clicked. Dude, we fucking hit the deck, dude.

It was a fucking scene. He's eating steaks with no eyebrows. Yeah. It's pretty good, huh? Shout out to Chad. We almost lost you that day, Chad. This one's from Jackson. Is it garbage to set your car's clocks ahead seven minutes

so you're never late? No, do the same thing with the oven. I love that move. I hate that move. I don't think it makes sense. You know who did that a lot? Who? She didn't set the clocks, but she would come in

and say it was a certain time when it was really That's different. 20 minutes. It's already 7.30, get up. You're gonna be late. You fucking wake up. You fucking panic. Fucking splash from cold water in your face.

You run downstairs. Fucking good morning, America's not even on. Yeah. It's like fucking 6.30. That I get. A winner sets his clock ahead so he's never late. I like that. I like that.

Yeah, it is. No. You look at all the successful people in the world I guarantee you the clock on their microwave is 15 minutes fast. So they're out the door and at the meeting on time. No, if they're... Either you're 15 minutes earlier

or you're 15 minutes late, buddy. I am sorry. If you wanna work at this logic. If you wanna work at this company, that you're right now. By this logic, you're late. First of all, you're late more than everybody. By this logic, it's the microwave

that makes... I got a microwave. It's the microwave that makes them successful. Yes. If that was just regular time, they would just be like hanging sheetrock somewhere. Yeah, well, no. Hanging sheetrock's a quality job.

I'm not saying it's not, but I would argue that's not one of the most successful things. No. Most of my family hangs sheetrock. If you don't set your clock 15 minutes ahead, you're sitting around, you're smoking doobies

and you're playing video games. Okay. That's how it goes. I like that. I do all of those things. Sometimes. I think you're high right now. And I think I'm hanging some sheetrock later

to be honest with you. My stepdad used to do it and always... Yeah, hold on. You ever see those guys that are really good at that? Sheetrock? Oh my God. Yeah, literally most of my family are like tapers and fucking, yeah.

Fucking put it up. Everything looks so clean. I wish I could do construction. That's my one cousin's job. I suck at that stuff. He doesn't even have, he just tapes. He's a really good taper, like doing the seams. He just goes in and just fucking.

Once it's all hung, he's like, I guess the special, you know. Kind of get out of my way. Let me do my masterpiece. Hey, bring him in. He's down at the lunch truck smoking heaters, fucking wrapping with broads. Right, you're up.

Yeah. Comes in. Hey, honey. Hold my red ball. I'll be back in five minutes. I like it. Whoo. This one's from Phil McCracken,

$10 board member here. Is it garbage if I'm 41 years old and my biological father is still paying me child support? Bonus garbage points for using the monthly payments to buy $120 in scratch offs every month. Man. How's that legal? How's what legal?

But you still pay child support when the kid's 41. Probably didn't pay it when he was zero through 18, if I assume. Okay. So he's owed, I'm making up a number, 50,000. That's how it's done? Yeah, and you have to pay that back. You have to pay back child support.

You have to pay back. So he's owed that money. So if I had a kid. I believe that's how it works. So if I had a kid, didn't pay any child, wouldn't it get you eventually? Yeah, they got him. Yeah.

So you'd hold it off as long as you. And he can only afford $120 to pay $120 a month. So you have to pay that whatever it is. Well, if it's 10 grand, 100 grand, 50 grand. God damn. I like what he's using it for. That's good. Real fuck you to the old man.

What do you mean fuck you? That's a retirement right there. No, I'm saying fuck you to the dad. Like, yeah, I'm taking your child support. You never paid me and I'm buying scratchers with it. What do you think about that? Huh? I look at it more of an investment opportunity.

It's smart. It's free money. It's smart. Why not fucking do it right? House money. Yeah. Yeah. Very garbage, but smart move.

I like it. I used to have to be the middle man with the check. Really? Yeah, I'm gonna be like, hey, is he your father or about that check? Yeah. What's a big-headed kid like you worth in the open market in the 90s?

If it was more- It was a lot. If it was more than $0.37, I'd be stunned. It was a lot. Things were going well back then. Yeah. For the fam. Yikes.

And the all crumb. And that payment still stays the same? Yeah. Ooh. Which, you know, cause a little resent the month day. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fat little fuck.

Yeah. Digging into the lunch meat. This guy's $1,200 a month. Get the fuck out of here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's fucking, kids eating all my goddamn goldfish. Also, what did you call juice boxes?

We were sips, even though they weren't the name brand sips. A high C, called them high C. Even if they weren't high C's? They usually were. Yeah. They usually were. I remember she tried to slip-

Get me an orange sip and it was a high C. You remember those Adam and Eve ones that they had? What the fuck? That kind of freaky shit you got going on over there. What was it called? Adam and something. I think it was Adam and Eve. Oh, but that was like the hell,

Adam's Harvest or something. Yeah, whatever it was. They were the, you had fucking Adam and Eve juice boxes on it? I would throw that shit out of the fucking cart when she wasn't looking. It was like the organic, whatever stuff. There wasn't a skyline or a farm on it.

It wasn't organic. It was just less sugar. That was the play. It was shittier. It was healthier. Yeah, they sucked. Toby? Adam's Farm.

I got Apple and Eve. Apple and Eve. Yeah, clearly that's it. Toby. Ha ha ha ha ha. That's the Apple juice we've been calling Adam and Eve is Apple and Eve. Yes, Toby.

Get this kid a raise, will you? Cross-reference that, will you? Oh my God. I want to be short. Yeah, fuck all that stuff. He's gonna knock them, maybe an Apple and Eve. We didn't get sips, the iced teas. Yeah.

The sips iced teas in the black box, those things cooked. We were, our iced tea was Wawa iced tea, but we called them, I'll juice my, what flavor sips were you getting? We know we were getting high, we were getting high C juice boxes. Okay.

But we called them sips. Go get me an orange sip, get me a fruit punch sip. Like for Danny liked fruit punch, I was an orange man. And we very rarely cross pollen. Those orange? And if we did, headlocks in soup. Ha ha ha ha ha. And then he would hurt me, then my dad would hurt him.

It was a circle of violence going on over there as a family. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. All over a sip, that's what I like. All over me taking a fruit punch sip. Oh man, I mean, I've ruined Sundays over a fucking kudos bar. Fucking go to war.

There was those days you just wake up and you're like, you and the brother are just bumping ahead. You're like, oh, this is, It's gonna turn into something. It's just gonna culminate at some point. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's usually right before dinner.

They're cooking all day, ruins dinner. Then you just have dinner in quiet, then everybody cries and says they're sorry. Then you watch married with children and go to bed. We would get a lot. My mom would like give up right, you know, at a certain age where she's just like, they're not, you know, we were just fighting.

Sure. You guys are what, three years apart? Four years apart. Four, four, I think. Yeah, close to five. That's why you're a tough kid. That was a tough road of hope. Five years difference.

He was a grown man at that point. I think he was born in 82 and I was 86. So yeah, I think it was like four. Yeah, that's why me and my brother are 18 once a part. We were fucking neck and neck. No, no, yeah. It was, he always had the physical advantage. See, that's courage right there.

No one you're gonna take a beating. You still steal the fruit punch. I did, I never. Fuck you, hit me. And I tell you what, it was worth it. You're sipping the last sip. You hear the gurgling? And I'm gonna pop it later.

That's great. Well, we would get the... You were a high C family? My dad. Okay. Yeah. Was the P score in juice boxes for you? No.

I could tea her as a sips lady. I could tea her as a sips lady in the pitch, no. Maybe Capri's son's at a certain... Oh, things were going well. At a certain time period for us, but we crushed those. Those... If I was having a fucking peanut butter sandwich, I was crushing five, I was crushing half a box of Capri.

You squeeze it. Squeeze, it's strong hands too. Oh, that jerkin' off. I'm fucking whaling on myself. The Capri's son might as well... That might as well have been fucking platinum. There was no way we were getting them. 6.75 ounces is the standard...

I don't know why I know that. I've drank a lot of sips and Capri's sons. But we would get... When me and my brother were fighting and it was my dad's night, he would come pick us up after work at like, whether it would be like four or six, because after school, we'd go back to my mom's. And then on those days, he would pick us up after...

Is there in the week? Yeah. Would you get dropped back off that night? No, he would take me to school. The next morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, his house was like 10 minutes away or five minutes away from my mom's.

But we didn't want to switch schools. Sure. So public transport, the public transport, I wasn't taking the ill train. Fuck, and the bus wouldn't take us to his neighborhood. It would just still drop us off at my mom. Okay, I gotcha. But then she would pick us up after work.

Gotcha. Until Danny and Sarah started driving. Whatever, we'd digress. But when we would be, my mom would be like, I'm fucking calling your father. Which is like... It was our equivalent of wait till your dad gets home. Oh, fuck yeah, of course.

But we had the weird, I'm calling your father. With traffic, he won't be here for 15 minutes. But then he would pull up and that walk to the car. Like he would pull up to pick us up anyway. So you caused some shit. We caused some shit. She called him. She calls him at three.

Your sons are fucking assholes. And then he's like, well, I'll be over at five or whatever. Woo! Man, that walk to that car, you're not sure what you're getting, dude. It was, you get in, it would be all cool. And you're like, I want this is gonna go south. I prefer...

When is it going south? I used to prefer the straight to violence. Of course. That's what you would strategically sit in the car to like, because I'm like, I know he's not gonna clock. Minimize the pinches. Well, me and Danny are now on the same team.

You know what I mean? We're like... My enemy's enemy. Exactly. There's bigger fish to fry than a fucking juice box. You got piano wire and fucking... I'm behind him, not tonight, not tonight. Throw flowers in it, flower in his eyes.

That's fucking wild. Yeah, I remember... You get behind him. He won't be able to get you. And he's probably not gonna hit me. I'm too young. Man, you can make a lot of room in those back bucket seats.

It was a Jeep too. You're fucking... I just well been in another fucking jurisdiction. I'm an international waters dick, and you gotta let get me, nothing's gonna stick. But yeah, I remember my dad coming home a few times. Looking back, this fucking poor guy, fucking coming home exhausted, fucking,

and just be like, hey, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. And I would prefer when he would just snap, just to get it out of the way. Because sometimes he'd ice you for a little while. Then you'd be waiting for him to make a move. And if he didn't make a move, you'd maybe start running a little lip again. If it was being discussed openly,

well, hey, did this, and maybe, oh, what the fuck? I didn't do that. And then, then you'd get one. Yeah, well, you're nuts. Oh, man. That's like, that's like the jury's letting you go, and then you chime in, and be like, I also called her a fat pig.

You're like, what the fuck? That's a provoked shark attack. Yeah, that's exactly what that is. You're nuts. Well, I didn't think, because if he didn't make a move early, you think, oh, he's not gonna make a move. No. He's wised up.

No, they lie and wait. They know. They're just, they're restoring their energy. You know what I mean? The dad angrily eat his dinner after the family had eaten their dinner, like he gets home later, and he's eating his dinner,

and fucking can't even enjoy, because he knows he's gotta fucking do a little ass-whooping after. Woo-wee! Yeah, I think that's fatherhood, I think, for most people, or it wasn't the fucking eight- Shout out to the nineties. It's a different time back then.

Good time. Man, that's a tough one. All right, let's do one more, and then we gotta get out of this one's, his Patreon name is Foley's Accountant, which you're on the Patreon. It's this guy. You gotta get a new account.

This guy's screwing me. Yeah. Have you ever run a garden hose up to the second floor window just so you didn't have to go down to the kitchen when you wanna drink at night? What the fuck? Then in parentheses, this ends with the neighbor coming over a few days later to ask if everything was okay.

That's nuts. That's nuts, man. That's like, Plus, I don't know about you. That looks like you're running a grow operation or something. Yeah, that's no good. The snow's melted on top of one spot in the house. That's a real suspect.

Yeah. That's fucking, Must've been some good hose water, tell you that. Shout out to hose water. Shout out to it. Fantastic. But, I prefer it in the middle of the night to let the water run in the bathroom.

Okay. In the sink, and I'll tell you something else too, nothing gets colder in the winter time than the water coming out of the fucking tub. I've fucking, I've drank out of that before. That's like fucking Fiji water. Ice cold from the mountains, it felt like a gate.

Do you go to bed with water now? No, what am I, in a sitcom? I did. But, I'll tell you this. Do you go to bed with some water? Of course. Yeah. You do?

That's a Seinfeld bit. You bring a cup of water into bed with you? Well, if we're being honest, I have a- I sleep in the kitchen. No, no, no, no, no. I'll have like, you know, a two thirds of a seltzer I'm sipping on and putting it on the floor next to my bed probably.

All right, I'll give you that. That's in the dirt ball realm. That's insane, dude. How warm that is in the middle of the night. I love it. Sometimes- It feels like you're eating a firecracker. Yeah, but the bubbles go away

and you can get it down quicker. I'll tell you, shout, you know what's really gonna rate it? Flat soda. Flat soda is all right. Flat soda is all right. What the fuck was that? That's it.

Wrap it up. You're done. That was flat soda is good sometimes. Okay. It's delicious. Sure. All right, I think that's okay. You're taking a glass of water to bed with you?

Bottle, glass, yeah. Really? Every night. And what? You get very parched. And you wake up in the middle of the night and have it there? Yeah, or in the morning. Yeah, but yeah, I'll typically take a sip.

You know what saved me the other night? That liquid IV, because fucking I had one in a- I don't know if it did this week. I had it in a thermos. With that, the ice cubes are still in it. And like my girl's water bottle, and we would have to bluebell in that night.

I got all fucked up. Middle of the night, I woke up fucking just hung over and whatever, opened that thing up. Oh, fucking slammed it. Right back to night night. We gotta wrap it up. Gang, we fucking love you to death. Love yous, baby.

Come see a fucking live show. Shows are fucking, we're moving some fucking tickets. Moving some tickets, they're good times, and we're coming fucking a lot of spots. Yeah, tell some friends, share the show. We love you. Bring the bozos, bring the homies. We love you, and we'll see you next week.

Peace.