Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Step Dad Adventures w/ Kippy & Foley!

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG & Friends: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ iRestore: Reverse hair loss with iRestore and get $625 off with the code AYG at https://bit.ly/3znsoXK! #irestorepod Pretty Litter: https://www.prettylitter.com/garbage Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

New York City, New York, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and Connecticut, the boys are coming for Are You Garbage? And friends, that's how we bring some of our favorite guests to answer your garbage questions. Yeah, November 8th, we're going to be in New York City, New York, then Philly. We're going to be on November 13th at Helium Comedy Club. Then November 22nd, Stanford, Connecticut. All tickets available. Are you garbage dot com will see you there. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah, it's a little show We sit down your favorite comedians and we find it out to go to be classy Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash trash trash trash I'm your host takes only coming at you on a beautiful fall day. We're out back here with tooties in a new edition She's upstairs knock the fuck out on the armchair

Catching flies. All right out cold. Okay. I don't know what you two got into last night, but man Oh, man couple uppers and downers if you catch my drift Oh 50 50 my co-hosts coming at you from across the table Here's what we call a family episode right here on are you garbage is the boys the bozos and the homies He's my good pal. He is the CEO of are you garbage? It's Kevin James Ryan everybody. What up gang? First of all, please make sure you rate view subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube Then obviously the greatest website of all time you go over there to www.patreon.com Slash are you garbage you get all your bonus content needs gang

I'm talking weekly hard feelings. I'm talking weekly a YG bonus episodes plus I mean, I don't know a bajillion hours of additional bonus content not to mention the horror thriller of the year bloody woods Woods my first foray into acting bloody woods and directing first and last and catering first foray into acting bloody woods and directing first and last and catering that's a good time for the lizard I shot a film when I was 12 years old I shot a movie you found your parents old porn cam nice tripod yeah splash we're gonna enter in the splash zone 12 foot tripod big sneeze guard in front of it I Shot a movie with me my buddies, and we we watched it on patreon. Yeah, it's a it's a it's a big hit I don't know what you want for me there people are calling it a performance of a lifetime sure

What is this raspberry? What am I drinking here? I don't know if I love this one Okay, more of a usual pineapple man. All right, you got to keep it in speaking of which you know what? I wanted to ask you what something stupid. Yeah a little bit It's the fall Okay. Yes, it is and I've been I'm a huge Halloween Thanksgiving the the root vegetable season chili cozy movies the whole nine yards, but I had this realization the other day. I took it's called root vegetable season root

vegetable. Yeah. No, I got you root vegetable. Yeah, you know your beat potatoes French fries home fries. Okay, tater tots. Okay, I'm with you. I'm all about like a nice butternut squash soup, okay But I was thinking we ended up with we took the Denise and a nephew over there to the Marymaid farms down there outside Of Philly okay real nice watch the sea the pumpkins all that stuff Which is weird because you do you get the ice cream and then you go look around and you look at the animals and you do you get the ice cream and then you go look around and you look at the animals and You just smelling sheep shit the whole time. We're sure trying to suck down a waffle cone like a gentleman sure, but I thought about this

Did Everybody you know this is pumpkin season Okay, yeah, you're really selling You're really selling this season on me. It's fucking October. I got it. But my question to you is turn up season. Pumpkin doesn't really taste like any. It stinks. Hold on. Do we really like pumpkin or do we just like cinnamon and nutmeg? You get what I'm saying? There's no real flavor.

Could you tell me what pumpkin tastes like? No, it doesn't really taste like anything So we don't like the pumpkin. We like the cinnamon the nutmeg, you know all spice Whatever else you put in a pumpkin pie sure it's all bullshit. Uh-huh. It's not really anything there Yeah This is what yeah You like sugar. Yeah, what the fuck. You like hot cocoa. I like hot cocoa, but hot cocoa

has a flavor. I'm just saying pumpkin's kinda fuckin' bullshit. There's not really anything if you just had pumpkin nobody would give a shit. But you add the nutmeg and the cinnamon and the sugar and a little whipped cream.

You can do that to a radish if you want to do it. It'll be pretty good. That's what I'm saying. I got you. I'm right there with you. I don't buy into all of that. I'm not eating anything pumpkin spiced or nothing. I love all this.

Oh, yeah, the spice flavor too. I forgot about that. That's mixed in there. The spiced, whatever that is. Yeah, I don't know. The cookies. Spiced wafer? Oh, don't get me started. Man, when those things come around, the black and orange box.

They're already around. Woo! They're around. I stopped and had one of those, one of these little apple orchard jawns are all over the fucking suburbs. Sure. One of these these little Apple orchard John's are all over the fucking suburbs sure popped into one of them one that I used to I actually grew up across the street from when my dad rented a house for about I was the first time I I didn't know you Could rent a house. I think I know on the other side of a fruit stand It was about a year. I lived in a cemetery. I guess he had a year lease never finished never fit I mean no furniture the house at a fruit stand the house. Never, I mean, no furniture. The house and her fruit stand.

The house. Okay. Fruit stand was stacked in a gills. Oh, what was the, I forget what it's called. I'll never remember. Steyr's Orchard or something like that. She left farms. What? She left farms.

She ain't coming back. She ain't coming back orchards. Three Macintoshes. Yeah, I was visiting Denise and we sighs driving by and I was like oh I haven't been here I used to go there when my dad lived there you got cash showing you when you're rolling they don't like taking credit cards at them joints now they were all clear I didn't even like cash really yeah Bitcoin I paid in light coin and the cake if we're being honest. Things are all right.

That thing. That's exactly what I'm saying. That really. That's what you like. That's the that's the flavor that you like pumpkin itself. Get out of here with that. That set the tone for the for the for the switch from summer to fall for sure. I put on a flannel T put on a flannel T in shorts.

I can let's go. It's sort of throwing the football. I think 85 degrees and I was sweating my balls off. Yeah, it's all right. It's funny how, because it's easy to somewhat maintain a steady good diet, not for me, but most people, when it turns cold and it starts to become stew season and soup season and apple cider.

That's gravy town. You talking, baby? That's called trip to fan season. Gravy town USA. Let's go. And you start talking about roast chickens and all that kind of stuff. Man. Yeah. And also you start putting on some baggier clothing. You got a hoodie unzipped, covered a man boobs. So it's like you get a little bit of you get a little bit of leniency is a bigger guy Not that I'm a bigger guy. I'm in great. She hit some roast carrots going. I Mean I'm donuts you put down fatty. I did one in the broad did one. That's it That's it. They don't sell them by the bike by single

Yeah, and they had them pre-packed in ones a bag of one What a bag of twos a bag of three or four, and then like a like a plastic joint of six. I did two. I was keeping it. No, it's usually six of those. Or did you get the mini ones in the bag? No, I got a regular-sized doughnut. Why are you telling me what I ordered? I'm telling you what I got. You do this all the time. I give you facts and just because you're not a man who eats one doughnut. I don't trust this fruit stand selling a loosey apple cider doughnuts. Yeah, why not? When you're sitting, we didn't go in to get the doughnuts. We went in to donut. I don't trust this fruit stand selling a loosey apple cider donuts. Yeah, why not? When you're sitting, we didn't go in to get the donuts.

We went in to get, I don't know, we just popped in, and then they got the impulse by. Do some pushups. It was, ha ha ha. You guys got a chin up party? Ha ha ha. All right. I'll just take a sixer of donuts.

Don't tell the big man. Ha ha ha. We get a baker's dozen over here. You guys got a Peloton in here? This isn't the Blink Fitness? All right, I apologize. Hit the steam room and get out of here. Give me two of them pecan pies and I'll be on my way.

Yeah. All right. I'm right there with you. Yeah, you got to change. You got to turn a corner into the right season. You know what I mean? Get your head on fucking straight. Another thing, too.

Can't be out here with fucking zinc on your nose speaking of the burbs Down there I Grew up down there. What am I 48? 30 something years I lived down there now 20 years whatever what I went back you were in and out You were treating that was like a halfway house for you. Patty always kept the light on for me. I don't broad know how to take care of me. Motel 69. How dare you. Okay. There's always been deer down there. Dude, this year. I almost crushed one in my car the other day going to pick a Bazaar.

Dude, almost... They're in the goddamn mall. It's crazy. I'm over at my cousin's house. They're doing a little tailgate Penn State game. And there's fucking five deer walk up in the front yard. Like they own the joint. Yeah.

And they're sitting there looking at us. Yeah, they're very cohabitated with humans. And then I'm driving up to my brothers, they're all over the road. I mean, there's like 20, 30 deer, and then I'm coming home late night, back to Patty's. My next door neighbor, dude, there's literally, it looked like they were running from a house party.

There's 20 deer, just one guy, not my next door neighbor, but down the street a little bit. You don't really take care of the property. So there's a lot of grubs and varmint crabgrass moles Yeah, it looks like the old Henderson place and they're just out front man, and I turned the corner I'd luckily had the high beams on they were everywhere Yeah, I know question to you is why do I do you like pumpkin? Not that I would ever well that was that was a big yeah, no well you got to do it to take work Obviously we're taking away their habitat population control you got those things they may be fucking them things doing that to us

Taking out podcasters Back of a wah-wah yeah Yeah no, I literally almost trucked on the internet going to get a za. It was dusk, that's when they move. They move in silence dude. About 6pm, my pickup time for the za was 6 o'clock. I'm cruising over, I got my change of my radio station. I look up, was just mugging me pepperoni in here. I was telling the story one jumped into my buddy. One hit my buddy. He jumped in like a couple were cross running across

the street. And he jumped. He's the worst when he hit the car. He smashed the window hit the hit the side mirror mirror when it smashed my buddy's face. Jesus nose was bloody. Yeah, man sucker I Don't know I can always got hit in the face Every time we played basketball he got hit right in the face and had a bloody nose football pool basketball anything volleyball He's getting whacked in the face and then for him to have a deer hit him and him still get hit in the face Jesus we hit one one time going to a high school football baseball bat

Rooting around the garage. I know I'm going to a baseball football game It jumped out hit our car It flung in the air got hit by another car. Hey get up and move dude This thing got up like it was nothing just and just bolted off into the woods. Spit at us. That's a great Ron White that people brag about shooting on with a saw rifle. He goes, you ever hit one in a conversion van

doing 40 with the lights on? Shout out to Ron White. Enough of that. It's good to be here. It's good to be here. Fall weather outside, nice and crisp. Donuts in the air. Don. Enough of that. It's good to be here. It's good to be here. Fall weather outside, nice and crisp. Donuts in the air. Donuts smell of donuts in the air.

Well, we got a gosh darn family episode, gang. As you know, when you join the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. And we got two tree humdangers coming at you. This one's from Brian Cook. Anything about pumpkin? No, nobody feels that strongly about pumpkin to broadcast it to hundreds of thousands of

people. Just letting them know. Are you garbage if you don't have any clean wash rags? So you've been using clean socks to wash in the shower instead. I'm starting to run out of socks. That's not that bad of an idea. I think you gotta go hand in the sock though. Of course. That's what you would do. Of course, because they have the gloves. The mitts. Love the mitts. That's crazy. Why not just reuse that then though? Like you can hang the sock in the shower and you'll be like,

I'll use that tomorrow. You just gotta wear them. Sloshing around. One wet sock. Smelling like herbal essence all day. I don't hate that. That's not bad. But like a clean sock, not a dress sock, obviously, and it's got to be a longer one. It can't be one of the ankle ones. You gotta get like a thick. Yeah, you just gotta get over. Just gotta get over the wrist and you'll be fine. Yeah, something over a quarter sock. Yeah, whatever. My thing about towels is like they're you can't they're not

readily available. You can't just like grab one at the Super. That's why I'm always jammed up when it comes to them kind of things. A towel. Yeah, because like they're not at my comment, my day to day activities, I'm not bumping into them. It's not like- Get them to Target. Yeah, when the fuck am I going to Target? I'm not going to remember to do that.

I only remember all that shit that I'm out of stuff in the shower when I'm in the shower. And I get in and go, fuck, I'm out of toothpaste. Fuck I'm out of this. Fuck I'm out of that. We're at a shampoo and conditioner right now. Yeah, as you're putting water in there shaking her around Yeah, that's what I was doing and we have this we're at a body wash, too Actually because we even have a shower we had we had the with the native stuff sure you get it

I think you get it like CVS supposed to be better as far as the chemicals. I like the chemicals though as shit the body I don't know if they make the bottom thicker to make it feel like there's more in there But I'm in there getting the water and they're shaking it up and nailing on yourself. Nothing's going It's still just water coming out the worst part about that was when I when I had a roommate shout out to my boy I wait He would sometimes get up like significantly earlier than me and we'd be out of Shampoo or body wash and he would have already done the water trick Oh, it's so by the time I get if he showered at night by the time I get in there

And I'm not thinking I'm all fucking crusty-eyed and I got a half a heart on going I fucking dude and it's like getting stabbed in the back just cold soapy. There's no suds There's like two suds. It's like he just won the Super Bowl. Get doused with it. Cold Gatorade coming in hot. They showed one the other day I think it was Andy Reid when the Chiefs won it was a full bucket of purple Gatorade had ice in it and everything. I remember just thinking to myself man that's a waste of good Gatorade.

Stay hydrated for two, three hours. I never understood as a kid, I'd be like, don't they fucking know it's coming? I know it's coming. Maybe. Yeah, you got to know you went up in the moment. You win a goddamn championship. Talking to Al Michaels, you forget what's going on. Nothing. I would be fucking checking my sick. You lose it. I'd have somebody just fucking on my six

Clocking you dude no way I assume you've never been doused in Gatorade one time one time I paid a prostitute to dump a 32 ounce or a glacier freeze on me She wasn't having it and asked me how I won the game No, that's all you only do have you'll fucking win the goddamn Super Bowl or so I do in high school and stuff like that. We did it to my coach for something. I can't remember He ain't never gonna see this coming Got a walk into his house for dinner I'm walking into his house for dinner. Foley, I thought I kicked you out of the team.

I thought this would get me back in good grace. Foley, you're 25. You haven't been on the team in six years. Hey, wins a win, coach. Yeah, the sock is a tough look. You take one sock and put it in the goddamn shower. Which I don't hate, especially if it's a little old, it's got some crust on it, you know, it's a little hardened on there. I love the gloves. I'm a big fan of the gloves. I'm well stated

I'm just bar and soap hand a hand bar soap and last time you exfoliate it You probably got skin on there from the 90s. I don't know you got to exfoliate get one of those the cloths Yeah, no, I I'll do something my wife's got some stuffs with some scrubs in it I'll do that. I did a coffee scrub one time whoa chubbed me up. Yeah, no, I I'll do something. My wife's got some stuffs with some scrubs in it. I'll do that. I did a coffee scrub one time. Whoa, chubbed me up. Yeah, that's all right. Now I get hard every time I walk into a Starbucks. I'll tell you what I got. What is that? Pike plan? Okay, what do you know about blue chew? Oh, baby, I am hard right now. Just thinking about it. You shouldn't be. You need the blue

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rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Which I got a real beef with Starbucks now. Oh, is that right? They changed their fucking, they're changing all their store. I'm a big Starbys guy. Oh, is that right? They change their fucking they're changing all their store I'm a big star B's guy. I like what I get when I can get it and get it the same all around a country That's what I like. I do like a nice little like get poppin to a fucking mom and pop or a local Roastery or whatever watch it go through a squat egg bites this

Was like hamburger hill what do you add more than I did? Yeah, mine are the light Oh, here we go. Yeah, you had to bake and cheddar Those are heavy bikes. You had three orders the Roasted pepper ones are 170 calories plus their protein man. You can see it. I'm working out So why you breaking you had more than me? Why you breaking my ball, but I bet you had less calories Okay, and more quantity which is the true fat guy move Like you're getting more

3000 fucking sugar-free snack well Man those lion bastards yeah those things are great man, those lion bastards. Yeah. Whoo, those things are great. Uh. The devil's food ones? No, they're changing all their fucking, uh, the machine. You used to go back, you order a fucking large coffee, they turn around, boom, they make it for you right away. It's just out of like the standard drip john. Right.

Now they got this machine where they put the cup there. They, they turn the size, they press the button and fresh grounds it for you, which is fine. I appreciate that. But as they put the cup in, they then forget and turn around and start making somebody fucking egg Beezers. I also don't like the fact when the fuck did coffee go on tap where they got like the kegs?

I like that. You like that? You go into a Wawa. They got fucking 10 kegs. You're just over there. Self-serve. No, no, no. That's a regular coffee pot.

I'm talking they look like that thing. They look like a bar tap. Oh, what's that all about? Yeah, that shit's pot. I'm talking, they look like that thing. They look like a bar tap. Oh, yeah. What's that all about? Nah, yeah, that shit's wack. Fuck that. That's for cold brewing shit like that.

Oh, I like the cold brewing. Yeah, yeah. That's all of that. I mean, you ain't doing hot coffee like that, I don't think. Maybe some wacko's somewhere. This is from Patrick H. How many times have you reused a venue for family events? My father-in-law had both weddings and his funeral

at the Little Rock Posse Hall near Olympia. I'm all about that I kind of like that. That's all about that shit if you're in a smaller town or so It's like to me that's such a good I've had marriages here Christenings here break. It's like that's your fucking That's again that's the extension of your home. There's a spot up in Oaksbury I can't remember what it is, but I've had like an aunt and uncle buried there somebody got married there You know the layout the foods good. They do the meatballs and mashed potatoes You got the coleslaw the bars right there. Uh-huh. Can't remember I want to say silver queen, but that's not what it is

We have our Christmas party at polonia hall in Bridesburg, Philadelphia And I mean it is everything you've ever wanted to see in a catering on a Polish catering hall right outside of fucking Port Richmond. It's all fucking right. You know what food you're getting? You get the we get. I mean, there's so many there's like 200 of us now at this point. That's when like the waitress, like the catering people. It's an old lady.

Yeah, it's like it's like, yeah, it's an old lady. Yeah, it's like a it's like a yeah It's an old lady dressed like a butler. She has the she has the vest on tuxedo pants that are dirty man Uh-huh, she'll get you anything you want. What do you just need? I'll get in the kitchen. We don't have any milk Kids need a milk. I remember one time. I was a big hubbub trying to get some milk plus my uncle wanted some fucking white Russians or something drinking coffee mate Get to throw it up. Yeah, we were a big big Knights of Columbus Not really the Elks is a lot of guys are a lot of men a lot of family uncles and cousins are members of the

VFW VF dubs we did a good amount. VFW, Knights of Columbus. And yeah, that's about it. Now it's where we're at the Polish Hall. I like still a very Philly thing. It's like the there's the Polish Hall. There's the German. Fran Lee's. There's the all the it's all still ethnicity based. Sure. Sure. Sure. Like country of origin based. I went to the 100% Yeah, that's trashy, but it's very comfortable. Very. I know exactly what every Christmas party is gonna be like now. We go and we know everyone's

gonna be out front catching heaters. You make eye contact. Don't let the kids see. They still put the drinks in highball glasses in places like that too. Never give you enough ice? No, we've been, I mean now we've been doing it minimum, how old am I? 38? We've been doing it minimum 15 to my 38. We've been doing a minimum 15 years like that. I think you would think at this point before I was 21 I think think at this point I would get a get an invoice or something like that I can't come by to the plug that it could gotta pay we got to pay per head I'll give it to you. I don't know first fucking alligator arms over here. It's all a tax man clears

I catch you up at Valentine's Day I'll do if now what's the layaway for a pro process now? I get shit all the time You're gonna call you got cops sending a check in a patty She's running it because each year someone else runs it Oh, what do you all kick up to her you got to kick up to some whoever's running it You got to kick up and you book it cash when you're there. You got a sense I think I think you got a you got a we got a resistance done months and months in advance It's like a hundred bucks a head or something. It's open bar

Ain't that that bartender that's gotta be a nice gig to get when the fucking Sullivan's roll in 200 deep every dude there. I mean they're just she's getting flush a lot of 50s up front Yeah a lot of all night all night all night A lot of you get drunk and everybody starts big a lot of it. It's for the whole night. A whole night. A whole night. A lot of it. And then you get drunk and then everybody starts big dicking each other how well the year went. I respect it.

Everybody's got that Christmas cash on them. Yeah. Oh, man. Ain't nothing better than that. I'm there with the DD Bank gift card. You got a card reader? You got any sheets around here? All right, let's see.

This one's from Uncle Danny never had one red Is it garbage if your dad pulls off the highway on your family road trip to see if the guy filling up his mismatched Buick century? Would be willing to swap hoods with a dad with your dad's mismatched Buick century My dad's Buick century was maroon with a white hood gas man had a white Buick with the maroon hood Dude, he wanted to do a swapsie right? I thought you were gonna say pull over to see if he was okay No, which is crazy this day and age because when I happen on tour We pulled over somewhere when when we were I think was it the bus We pulled over somewhere on the highway

And it did that a couple that's dangerous and since and two people pulled off to see if we needed Help with anything probably thought that Beatles were in there something Get out just three fat guys eating chips now, but I remember like fuck people are still doing that Well, there's this there's this like what would it take for you to post you saw somebody on the side of the road? Not an accident not like you're not just like somebody's there I tell you what it take for me to pull over and stop a big set of cans in. Uh-huh. Not an accident. Not like, you're not a- Just like somebody's there. I tell you what it'd take for me to pull over and stop, a big set of cans in a low cut dress. I'm stopping.

How you doing? Boop! I caused an accident. You're backing up. Go around! Go around. I'm doing my hair before I get out. Somebody give me a hat, quick.

You're putting cologne on? Yeah, I don't know, man. You want to help people out, but not I can't help. And everybody's got us. I can't help you. Everyone's got a cell phone. Everyone's got a cell phone. Like what are the chances your car breaks down and your cell phone is broken is out of battery or something. And you ain't got a chart. You jammed up maybe. But then someone's going to stop. I can't help you if something's wrong with the car. We never had to do it, but I remember when I was a kid,

you remember back in the day, if your car broke down on the side of the road and you got a ride back to town or whatever, if you had to leave it there, people would put the white rag. You have to, I think that's like a law. You hang a t-shirt out to what that might. I remember when I saw it as a kid,

I was like, oh, that guy got murdered for sure. I just thought that was a dead guy's car Uh-huh, I know I dad always scared the shit out of me there I just assumed they were running through the woods and some guy would have changed I would never want to stop for that. I remember being very young my stepdad I don't think my parents my stepdad and my mom were married at this point. He was dating? He was still dating. Casually.

I was this is, I was Denise's boy at this time. This is Denise's boy. They were seeing each other. Enough for him to be watching me. Like enough for my mom, my mom was working third shift, so she's- He would babysit you sometimes? I mean, babysit's a loose, yeah,

I'd just go hang with him whatever he was doing Heaters and cores lights, heavy bugs Oh man, that must have sucked for him Oh yeah, he probably didn't love it I loved it! He was like a race car driver We'd go to like a... this like patched together race car shop where him and his boys would all be drinking beers

looking at an engine He had like a forklift I'd drive and just fucking had pictures of naked ladies hanging on the toolbox to get your Cheez-Its in the door it was great but he had this guy Jimmy who's who lived at the shop and his car broke down somewhere on the fucking Northeast extension or something like that which is like pretty far from us like you know yeah for like a Thursday night it was a school night and I got we got in a we got in a roll-off truck like a tow truck And I'm sitting I remember that this car smelled like 19th the heaters in this in the cab of this fucking tow truck

So the heaters wasn't his tow truck. I don't know who's tow truck. We got into all two I remember going can you drive this thing? I've only ever seen you drive a suburb and now you're driving a goddamn... I got social studies homework, dude. But to me, I was like, all right, cool, this is fucking nuts. This guy's cool as shit. He's cranking heebies. Where's your brother and your sister? Danny's probably... I mean, who knows what he was doing? Closing ass.

My sister was probably studying. Danny was probably fucking stealing Freon from someone's air conditioner or something like that. And he's stuck with you. Yeah. Imagine that, you're dating a lady. Freon from someone's air conditioner or something like that. And he's stuck with you. Yeah. Imagine that, you're dating a lady. Danny might have been doing, I don't know. And you guys deal with you dragging your fat ass around on a work night?

Oh, you must have sucked. Dirty undies, dude. Cooking, cooking undies. Can't get these kids' hands out of his ass. No, skin marks galore. Word of advice, nobody high fives his skin. He'll be fighting off pink eye for a week. You're puking. I bet from fucking 8 to 12, your hand was up your ass.

Just scratching. Oh, God. Picture you having a stinky butthole. Of sure. Just scratching God Especially having a stinky butthole of sure dragging around on the carpet We've gone over this I think you think and yours wasn't what are you talking about? Do you I was knee-deep? Fucking knuckle deep over here had my own airbrush brown thumb But we had to go pick up this dude Jimmy's car it It broke down and I remember being like on the turn on the Northeast extension. Was there another guy with you?

No, it's just me and Joe. What were you going to fucking hitch it up? Well, he's got it. I don't sit in the car. No, I remember being on the side of the fucking Northeast, which is the Pennsylvania turnpike that goes north because the Pennsylvania turnpike goes east and south or east and west. Hey, if your mother asked I took you for ice cream. That little bit. We would get it, yeah, so I remember being like, I remember like, the car's whizzing by. It was raining too. Bad, bad condition. And I remember

going, well, where's the guy whose car it is? Where is he? Dead! This is like pre-self, like, I'm going in hey goes ad just keep an eye out we're looking for a black car and there'll be a t-shirt hanging out the window he marked it for us it's gone in 60 minutes I remember being like who the fuck is this guy and why are we picking up his car? Call triple a triple a stopper got an eight-year-old out here fucking hooking up the fucking cables You got a heater hanging out of your back? Yeah That was when I first learned that you got a flight you got a now every car

I see on the side of the road you could you look to see they flagged it somehow out of the trunk out of the window Look up what the rules of that I think you kind of have to do it to show that means like it means like you've called so there's I think there's Some sort of more. I always thought it meant you were dead. Why would you do that? I don't know bloody fingers I thought the cops put it on there. Hey, this one's ain't coming back So they didn't get the car. Yeah, I don't know man. I always bugged me out Yeah, I just assumed they were dead in the car sure sure that was the last thing they did Hang the t-shirt out the window cuz it got hot in there. Yeah, I had to do that one time

I had to change the tire on the on the Turnpike of big green this big Dodge Ram that we had the tires and suspension went console by used blow you can only afford used tires at the time, gentlemen. And I remember on the other side of drive by and then like loop back and do it there. But I think when somebody ended up might might have scooped it, some guy was like, I'm going to come back and get your something.

Pickup truck got us out. It got us out of Dodge. I spent too much. Rando. Yeah, he was looking for a big. Oh, OK. Not just some guy driving by. No, is a guy on a tow truck was like, Yo, if you're I told my I remember he stopped. He's like, I told myself if you were there on my way back, I was going to stop and give him 200 bucks cash or whatever. Sure. Sort of rack on you.

I had a New Jersey turnpike guy or you know how they have like the roadside service guys. He helped us one time and that's there's supposed to be for free. Yeah, he came back He's like I'll run in he if you go here I'll call it like he fucking squared us away those guys really picking shoes when they want to work it seems Yeah, I've had a couple of those guys just zip. They're always big boys, dude. They only getting out of the drive Oh, what's wrong alternator? All right. I can keep going. Just need some gas. I can't do that later.

What do you got, Lucas? Changing wiper blades. It doesn't seem to be a law, but it's common courtesy to put the white flag in. What does it mean? But then, you know, putting on your hazards, seems like a- Hazards, sure. I'm a big hazards guy.

I love putting my hazards on. You know what I started doing? I put them on when it's raining. Not when it's raining, but when people are, when there's like a quick stop, you're supposed to throw your hazards on. Oh yeah. As you're pulling, I put them on when it's raining not when it's raining But when people are swinging when there's like a quick stop you're supposed to throw your hazards on oh, yeah You're pulling. I just started to it's funny. Go ahead buddy. We're around here I did that then I come back from we went up to Beacon, New York to fucking do a little window shopping or whatever It was mm-hmm, and uh it was pouring I

Put them on and let everybody know I'm not fucking I'm not I'm not dealing with this I'm not trying to go to speed limit or whatever if you want to pass me go ahead bunch of crazies I put them on and I stay in the right lane or the middle lane and just take my time It takes all the pressure off Let him know you're chilling I had a I had a bad guy I got cursed out the other day getting on a highway Two roads coming into like, two entrance ramps, one has a yield. I don't have a yield.

You know what I mean? Like I have the right of way. But these other people coming in this way, they're cooking and then we both get on the highway. This woman, and I see that, I'm like, she's not gonna stop. She's on the phone, fucking phone on the ear. She blows through a yield. Blows through a yield, but I start going,

I'm like, I'm aware of it, I'm like, I can check my break, but, but I start going Tom like I'm aware of it I'm like I can check my break, but like I'm going like You don't got the yield, but I ain't got the yield so we get kind of close I lay on a horn to be like yeah, what are you doing here? So you got the yield she turned around fuck you you fucking little dick She got on the highway and opened it up. I couldn't cut couldn't catch her she was wrong gone Yeah, fucking bitched me out too sweet, dude I'm over there got my hazards on

White flag hanging out though. It looked like rain All right, let's see here Let's see this is from the Arctic albatross never had one red. Did you ever wake up with your shirt above your gut? That's daily. Man. Bigger guys, it rides up on you. I get to think too, if I lay on the couch, sometimes if I lay down and it'll pull

and it'll catch my arm and it'll be pulling down and I can't get my arm up. You start freaking out. I start freaking out. Especially if I fall asleep. You know what I'm talking about about not really like you have to like fluff it up a little bit and then lay down Sure, I hate otherwise. There's too much tension just pulls. Yeah, feels like my arms in a sling Yeah waking up with the gut. I've done that on the couch in front of people and you wake up What do you got company over you're sleeping on the couch guts hanging out. Yeah, it sucks

I don't really have that too much now because I I I over compensate for the t-shirt size Sure, that's the thing too. Like if I'm not as you're getting fat. I sleep in a tee You do, huh? Always okay. What it's not that crazy. I don't know what you sleep. Do you sleep in like that? He's no I have I have sleepy time tees Aka sloth shirts are they longer ones come down to my knees come with a candle to I Tried to do that for a minute. No, I just some I don't always love the Wrong that was just whatever. Yeah, I need a nice, the raw, just whatever.

Yeah, I need a nice sleep tate, a real soft. I remember for a minute, because I was around all my girl cousins when I was a little kid. They always wore tampons. They wore long shirts. Sure. You know, like what?

Like young broads wear. Yeah, and I liked it. And I remember I started doing it. And I would do it al fresco. And man, my dad, he put the kibosh on that real quick That thing was inverted yeah, you remember jellies the slippers shoes yeah, my Sister and all her friends had him so my brother was younger and wanted a pair and

So my mom bought them and my dad came home and my brother was wearing like pink jellies or something and he lost it. The hell you doing? I go to work I come home my kids wearing high heel or whatever lost it. Nice pair of pumps. This is fucking you know mid-80s. It's cozy though to sleep in one of those things. It was great Yeah, that's why I like I like some underwear on Can't be winning the pooh in it This one's just funny Tommy H you ever been to blue man group which now they scare the shit out of yeah

Yeah, where for a seventh grade field trip to Boston we went and saw the Blue Man Group Jesus Christ, no Paul Revere house or nothing. You guys see the Blue Man Group? That was our big entertainment There was like one entertainment night and we went and saw the Blue Man Group. Honestly a sick show Yeah, I see the Boston Tea Party or something. We saw the boat there in the day. Blue Man Group is a nighttime activity That's I mean, that's new age shit. Yeah, get freaky. What What year we talking? That's got to be not that long ago I mean ten years probably went to no boo to you fucking original Blaster 12 maybe like 2012 what were you do you were on you were in the fucking perk addiction in 2012 2012

He's going to the fucking bloom. I was down in Philly. We're doing stand-up. We knew each other Maybe yeah, what do you mean? Running a raven of each other. Man, I'd say it's at 20, maybe yeah. Yeah, what do you mean 100%? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Running the Raven. Running the Raven. You're bumming SIGs off me. I'm wearing some heaters. I wasn't catching Broadway shows on a field trip, I can tell you that. Sure.

We went down to the Franklin Institute. I think there was one to, I might have had one to New York, but I don't think we did anything. I think we just came up here and walked around for a little bit. I was supposed we were supposed mine got cancelled 9-eleven, I'm 11. That was a big year ninth grade was DC Oh, it was DC and fucking they still would have took and freaked out It's me and Giuliani On top of the rubble. I got 30 undies on're in the back walking around with a sparrow slice in your mouth.

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PrettyLitter.com slash garbage. Terms and conditions apply. See the site for details. Do it. Do it. Yeah, the Blue Man Group always freaked me out too. I like that. It shows eyes.

I've never done it but Cirque du Soleil. I respect it. I didn't realize. It took me a while to realize it was different people. I thought it was the same three, but Cirque du Soleil. I didn't realize it took me a while to realize it was different people I thought it was the same three guys circus delay I thought that I thought that somebody's gonna die doing that that shit was nuts Oh, they walk up like a like a broomstick and then it bends over. Yeah, all that shit is that's have you seen that too? Yeah, I went when I was younger also my parents took me that one. No one's sick. They're cultured people Yeah, they like a show new guy Luke's my parents my parents took us to that one. That one's sick. They're cultured people. They like a show.

My parents took us to the circus once. Probably to see your family members. To see your bearded aunt. And your uncle with elephantitis. Ladies, the babysitter was the goat woman. Let's go see Uncle Harry and his huge nutsack You gotta cough the nickel up though You're just there poking it the human testicle

Man circus de la blue Dayo, like circuit. How do you say? I don't know sir.que du Soleil. Cirque du Soleil. Cirque du Soleil. Yeah. Because it's D-U or D-E, right? They got a bunch of... Soleil is the third word. They got a bunch of spin-offs now too. They all do. They have a cruise, don't they? Cirque du Soleil? Blue Man Group, Cirque du Soleil, they all got it. The Blue Man Group has a cruise? I'm sure it had one. Freak out. You wake up, that guy's in your room.

I fucking jump overboard. He's banging a... she's got a trash can's in your room. I fucking jump over He's banging it. She's got a trash can lit over your head that and stop. I never understood to if we're being honest They used to run commercials for stop. I'm like buddy get a drum set There's Sam Ash around you guys guys over here playing the bricks Hit a guitar center get a set of sticks. Well you Hit a guitar center, get a set of sticks will you? These fucking guys. All that shit stomp and then they used to run stomp when we were up here originally started doing comedy still in the East Village on second half.

I think it's still banging. Now they switched it. That's like now the Orpheum or something and it's another show. But that was stomp for the long. And I remember being like, this is where those fucking assholes have been this whole time.

I thought it was like Broadway. Was it ever Broadway? I'm sure. That thing ran forever. That Blue Man Group probably makes billions of dollars a year. Sure. Merch alone. Getting that makeup off though.

Yeah. I never understood that. That shit is so lost on me and my family. Fred Armisen was in Blue Man Group. Really? I believe so. Give that a Google. I think he did a run.

Really? I believe so. He's Google I think he did a run really I believe so he's a crazy musician he's crazy talented obviously super but like way too talented to be a fucking blue man group I think that's big shit what do you use a percussionist in the blue men there you go Fred I know you come to Boston to see the blooming group what the hell kind of field trip is we went to Amish country That's what I'm talking about. Yeah a couple fucking apple. Sighty don't ease if you catch my drip Fucking bunch of star Beezers on the way out to starburst that is

Amish starburst I was always I was I was always locked in on the candy on the on the trips cuz we always we stopped A while while every more I told always always stopped a While with my dad so that was like even if you forgot you went Oh shit, give me the fucking big bag of this the big bag of that we did the Franklin incident I think two or three years in a row as It says an elementary school kid and my big score was always grabbing rock candy here Yeah Talk about a fucking drug addict that heart

Let me get a 10. Let me get a nickel bag of rock candy. Get a little bit of that blue magic. Get my hand on straight. Did you guys ever go to like an old timey town for school? Like we went to Sturbridge, Massachusetts. They have like an old like brother turn in. You go to a middle class neighborhood to see what it's like.

To see a guy cutting his own grass. See kids, both their parents work. So that's what a callous looks like. I'm there hooking up a car on the side of the highway. Oh, is that a Toyota fucking piece of shit? Drive through, lock the windows. You're all Sprinter vans. Good Lord.

We did something like that. We it wasn't it wasn't Busch Gardens, but it was there was there's something in Philly or outside of Philly that's like that, where it looks like the old old like the colonial days or whatever it was. I never dug that shit. We used to have did you have any of? I was thinking about these the other day. We had like there was always stories like the local legends

where you would there was like Gravity Hill or something like that where you would go park your car at the bottom of a hill put it in neutral and I would like the ghost would push it up backwards or something that always freaks me the fuck out dude. I owe my mom always called the second the boys got the idea to go there Oh shit, I gotta fuck you I'm going to Boston in the morning. I gotta get some shut-eye dude. I'm fucking that

I just realized I'm moving tomorrow that there was the covered bridge to where you could like I don't see someone had well That's what Pennsylvania's famous for their covered bridges. I had not for me Like a wah-wah. Catch a six years game. I don't fuck with the covered bridges. Yeah, that's like Ichabod crane shit. Oh, no. I just assume you walk into another dimension and you do that shit.

Sure, just cross over. Yeah, fuck that. I don't like that. I'll swim across the river. I'm not walking on one of those things. I hate those things. That and a little waterfall has always scared me when it's just a little waterfall.

A babbling brook. No, no, no, no. Now, trolls live under there. They take your fingernails. What? I don't know. I'm not doing it with them. I ain't doing it.

All right, let's see. This one's from this one's from Tootie's runner. Hey, gang, is it garbage? Add instant coffee to your brood k-cup coffee because you need a little gasoline to get you going That's do talk about redlining it. That's crazy That's I mean I drink a lot of coffee, but regs coffee up the middle black cup of coffee brood I mean you're adding when are you adding those two like just straight into the cup? Yeah, that's what you never get a nice coffee and through a shot of espresso and that's different I think that's different than instant coffee mix then you got the grounds in your cup and no instinct first of all

Let me tell you something about instant coffee. That shit is strong as fuck. That's what I'm saying Is the Greeks use it to make frappes they use Nescafe or whatever it is Nescafe something the freeze-dried shit sure it not there's no grounds. Okay Like pellets kind of yeah that shit fuck you up now, that's not talk about anxiety attack Yeah, that's too much. We got city. That is way that's that seems I mean, I like a cup of Joe just as much as the next time you need it Yeah, but then I don't know I did that the other night driving to get it get a fucking bag of blue magic or something What do you fucking bag of yak? Yeah, if you're gonna do it doing right when you're wet you're wet daddy

I did that the other night I started we get rid of drive drive back from patties, and I was tired started getting tired immediately, so we fucking hit a You know, why why I got a cold brew from there which that shit strong as fuck and I'd literally took a 16-ounce or Sucked it down man. I got home who? Shaken bugging out. Yeah, I don't get you bugging out. That'll do it Uh, all right this one's from Cross Side Jimmy. Shout out to you. Long time homie. Never been on the air. Hit me. Is it Garbs shelter in place during a storm at the strip club? Buddy, if

they're still dancing, I'm all about it. Everybody's alarm goes off. Everybody strapped to the pole. I'm with that. Listen, I've sheltered. That should be a couple of dances for free. I've sheltered and not sheltered in place, but like state of emergency. Hurricane in a end of the summer, maybe it was even September, wildwood, real bad storm. Island was kind of empty. And at the time it was still Echoes, which it's now exit six or something it's called. She does have a strip club.

No, Echoes is a bar though. Okay. Their slogan was STD3 since 2003. There you go. I think they're lying about that one. And we sheltered, not shelter in place, but it was like, don't be, it was state of them, whatever they do, we're like only essential person.

Get some wings and relax. But dude, I mean. You're not going anywhere. It was empty. There must've been set. I mean, the bar probably holds 500 people. There's about 10 of us in there. And man, the bartender, like you just put whatever you throw up 20, 40 of the bartenders. I ain't got nothing going on.

We're stuck here. We're not going home. Sure. Just kept you fucking flush. And then you get a text, you know, we're all down at fucking Westies or whatever. Like we'd run across and run through the water, pour and rain. Fucking get in there. Fucking hunker down there. Fucking windows are rattling and ships. Have you ever been in a bar where everybody started singing?

No. No. Like a cappella. No, like those that side. Ever see that soccer club? I love that commercial. No. What's those says all those pretty. Something like I love that, dude. I watched that and just think I had more better friends. We were at a bar at Martells on the upper east side. And there was maybe like 15 dudes was a Sunday night, probably around this time of year in the

fall. I think the Monday night game was over or whatever. Just dudes in there getting getting saw stop hanging out and lion eyes came on by the Eagles and everybody's everybody. I'll give you that. That's why I was saying that people switch stop and look in. I was a good feel. That's all right. I'll give you that. The one that course I knew the man was on the way.

Give me shelter Dr. Feel-good's about three stops away talk about amber alert I The closest I had to that was I was in London when me and me and the wife went for a weekend years ago I mean, this is pre shows probably two thousand. Oh and that 2019 or whatever 18 19 Jesus you must have been fucking petrified with every purchase. I so stuck in a fucking foreign city We stayed in an Airbnb in a guy's house. He stayed there. I got to quit on you

To free somebody's house. Yeah Airbnb to room out a room. Uh-huh I mean, that's what it was dude Did that an answer damn? Yeah, you have to I know young British, dude, huh? Good-looking guy, too No, he's uh Yeah, it was it was a tough hang but An Airbnb a room Just a room. Yeah, I was my go-to for long the road. I would rent a room out a room Yeah, yikes one time was me a woman and her like eight-year-old daughter or something. What?

Yeah, it's great. That's like something from like after World War two and they had like boarding houses. Yeah, it was. You're some drifter. It's like a twilight zone. I think I just went and sat in my car. I was just like, I don't want to fucking be in here. I sat in the T-Go and went to the mall. It was only like two hours away, which like hindsight's 20 20. I so should have just drove back to New York.

Like in my head, I'm like, it's whatever. I'll ride on. And it's like hindsight 2020 I so should have just drove back to New York like in my head. I'm like, it's whatever I'll write on then it's like Sitting there watching the door the whole night First set of twins that came in. Hi Kevin I think I only had it the one night So like I had to check out was like 11 and then I had to kill like the show wasn't till 8 So I had to kill 11 to 8 in I don't even I think I was I cut little breakfast right now I think I was in Allentown. It wasn't even that I could have went home like I could have went to Denise's In like 90 minutes or whatever

But I was out there on the road doing it sure you're really doing it But I was in a bar in a In it in London, and they's just like a acoustic guitar or whatever like singer-songwriter guy whatever the musician for the night on like a Thursday night or sure and he was singing I forget it was maybe his Wonderwall or something by Oasis yeah I was like a moment that's it that's the fucking he really nailed it he nailed it everybody singing along and then like after that I'm like we can go It's not gonna get cooler than that.

Like, let's get the fuck out of here. Boys are coming back on tour too. I know. What am I checking out? But it's not till like 2025. It's around the corner. Those motherfuckers are gonna break up. What are you talking about?

Soon as they sell some tech. Yeah. All right, let's see. We got time for a few more here. This is from Christian. First time, long time. Is it garbage to check the balance of a gift card while the party is still happening?

Watch my wife's friend do this over the weekend when someone didn't write the balance on the card. So she got it as a gift, immediately pulled out the phone and checked the balance. I mean, you do that in the car or in the bathroom. You don't do that in public. Damn. That's tacky, from a tacky man.

$15? Yeah, that's a tough look. You can't. You got to listen. You just got to accept the gift crazily of someone who's not done that publicly. But you got to accept it like especially, oh, thank you. Yeah, you look in private.

In private? I've gotten. You feel it. You go, OK, thank you so much. If it's a card or whatever, yeah, OK, thank you. Yeah, you're looking you're looking private in private. I've got feel it you go. Okay Oh, thank you so much. It's a card or whatever. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. I've gotten the envelope for Christmas Had a Christmas party as a kid Given the oh, thank you going into the bathroom Check that out. See mr. Ulysses s grant looking at you. Hey, and hey, thanks so much. And chill Come on, give her a big hug lay one on her

Dipper Then back to the house Yeah, man check it out the thing that's tough. That's a real tough How much it like just like you just got a stick out that go and keep it moving you know what I mean? It's an old one 1375 on there respect that too just give somebody a gift card Patty's big on that she'll give you the rest of her gift card Fuck this Fuck am I gonna be that pizzeria uno and need 14 14 82?

All right, let's see this one's from two bozos one account. Are you garbage if your mom ends up on a world star video? Jesus she almost got in a fistfight at big lots. She's also She's also banned from every pet smart in the area. There you go. That's oh, that's Someone who's about that life dude a big lots. Yeah, which I think I've only been in one or two Yeah, they weren't really banging around us. They're more now. Which it's more like. They're wild. I don't even really know. It's like a target on meth.

Yeah, it's like it's like more warehousey, right? Yeah, a lot of a lot of containers like a lot of plastic container the containers that like they're like the size of like a bins yes, they they have the jagged edges that fold in like that Yeah, a lot of those things where they put your belongings. Yeah, I never really find ya I've never really been in a big lot I feel like I've seen them now a little bit more popping up in like Jersey and stuff or whatever But like they were never around now the Philly area I remember, not in the sense that we would go one or two,

maybe. Yeah. But also being banned from every pet smart in the area. I always love that. I always love the area. That sounds like a dog fight, dude. That sounds that sounds like two dogs went at it in line and you you were not happy which when you when you got a dog sometimes I'll take Hans of that pet smart around like not too far from here yeah or whatever it is pet shop USA or whatever the fuck you go everybody's got their

dogs and then the dogs are all charged up cuz they're in like fucking toys and there's treats and toys and it smells like bags of pig ears everywhere so they're all fucking those things are on high alert and Hans can get a little laundry from that hair on his back goes high alert and times can get a little laundry from time And hair on his back goes up when he ends around do it a little humpin Um, so like everybody's just on edge and then they they fucking you know, they get out of you got some broader guy on their phone Not paying attention their dogs like coming up on your dog. I'm like a buddy. You got a fucking This dog cocked and loaded right now, dude. He's about to get after it came in here with a hard on yeah Alright, but we got to wrap it up gang gang. What a fun one

Uh-huh do yourself a favor grab some ticks and come see an are you garbage and friends, New York City, November 8th? November 8th, and then we're in Chelsea musical. We're in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania November 13th, and then we're gonna be at New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut on November 22nd. Get those tickies. They're all going to sell out. We'll see you there. Those are all Are You Garbage, Friends? We bring down some of our boys to answer your garbage questions. Yeah, it'll be a good time. We love yous. Thank you. See you next week. Peace.