Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Stuck in Mud w/ Sam Tallent

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian, podcast host and writer Sam Tallent! You know Sam Tallent from his book Running the Light, Matt and Shane Secret Podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience, WTF Podcast w/ Marc Maron, and his special "The Toads Morale"! Make sure to check out his new Travel Show Sam Tallent's Wide World! Thanks for watching! Come to a live show! Through the Roof Tour Tickets: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Pretty Litter: https://www.prettylitter.com/garbage Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Sheath: https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Hachi Maci, the 2024 Through the Roof Tour is about to launch, baby. Come out and see the boys at the stand-up comedy show, and then we answer your garbage questions. You've seen the clips, you know it's a good time. Grab the squad and come see the boys, baby. Yeah, it starts April 17th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Then April 18th, we're going to Nashville, Tennessee. April 19th in Tampa, Florida at the Tampa Theater.

April 20th at the Center Stage Theater in Atlanta, Georgia. Get all those tickets and tickets for all the other cities on the Through the Roof Tour at RUgarbage.com. Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh yeah.

It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that after you're up to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash of trash. I'm your host H fully coming at you on a beautiful day We're out back here at Tooties and a new addition. She is upstairs rolling pennies, okay Put them in a sock Broads getting ready for but troubles coming boys. Uh-huh. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me He is the CEO of are you garbage?

He is an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody What up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you review subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are through the roof Cookin and obviously the greatest website of all time you go over there WWW.Patreon.com slash RG garbage. You get up to two bajillion hours worth of content, baby. Patent pending. Having a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire,

the old magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone Mcscruffens. Toby McMullen, everybody. What up, boys? Hey, pal, you excited? Dude, we got an all timetime dude in here, bro.

Yeah, good pal. The sensei, man, the professor. The last time I saw this guy, we were at a blackjack table where the dealer was tipping her cards and we still lost, dude. Cause you stink, both of you. I love yous, but you stink.

I forgot about that till right now, Tobes. I kept nudging him, being like, hey, go to the ATM. Empty the accounts. I know you know Kevin's PIN number. No, we still ate our ass, man. Hook the buzzer up to your leg. We were looking at each other like we

were about to rob the place, dude. We were about to print money. Yeah. But no. It's a shame both of you can't add. She's got a 40, dude. We're set, man.. Boy our number came up. Gang the Long Hair Ain't Lion because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean

incredibly special guest back with us again today it's his third time here he's family you know him you love him you can hear him every week on his amazing podcast Chubby Bohemoth he has an amazing special out right now Toad's Morale. He also has a brand new travel show over on his YouTube page, Wide World. You can check out episodes one and two. And he is also famously the author of this book right here, Running the Light. Give it up for the one, the only, Sam Talin, everybody. Hey, Sammy.

Hey, pal. That's my favorite thing. Thank you, man. Right there. To be able to have the- He's always wanted to do that. To do the always- I love doing the book Yeah, that are the record if it was an album. I could put that thing on vinyl Being 19 records a couple hits. We're in country. It's big right now. It's all hooks. We need courses

Yeah, man, no you guys had it on the shelf forever in the old state Yeah, you guys sold with me a bunch of books. I love it buddy. I'm believe I love you guys I do a lot of bad pods when I come out this way Nice to not fake it I usually just have a pen knife under the table being like oh how was Cleveland cutting? Yeah, it's good man. Hey look at this glow up guys. Thank you More yeah, toady guy I can think of a couple people, but still. I can.

I haven't smoked with my girlfriend in a while, I guess. I can think of a lot of people who don't deserve it. Also, coasters, huh? Coasters. Yeah. Putting on airs. Yeah. They were made by a listener.

They made them and shipped them to us. Yeah, they made them in jail. Can you get me some soups? I got some coasters. They say property of Rikers Island on them. A couple of license plates out in the lobby if you want to see it. Yeah, his lower back says property of Rico.

Yeah, thank you guys. Glad to be back. Yeah, man, it's been a minute. The last time I think we saw you, the last time I saw you, we were at the Indy 500 together. What a blurb, bro. We were. Man.

Dude, remember? You've been all over the world. Real quick, remember? I think I know what you're going to say. OK, sorry, no, go. We were drunk. What are you talking about? We were drunk kiss me first

Yeah, you fingered me first he moves quick this guy was trying to get you off me I got off Like a pitbull when you stick your finger in his mouth. Yeah, get him to stop bite still quick off the line the big man is No false starts. It was when the Blue Angels flew over and we were standing against the gate and Jewel was singing. We both had sunglasses on. I look at you and you pulled on your sunglasses.

You're crying and I show you mine and I'm weeping. And then we just held each other. We had the perfect amount of Bloody Marys in us. Yeah, you had six and a half. Woo. And the right amount of America at our fingertips. Holy cow. She ended it perfectly.

Then they did the low flyover, slow and slow. We hugged each other. And a couple of fast movers came over east to west just to let them know. Fast movers, that's an industry term for cars. Fast movers, dude. That's what they call fighter jets, fast movers. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's my mom in the 80s Let's quit screwing around here Man, you are big man's turning it all He's gonna do I got your nose in a minute we gotta load some more coal in him From the outside we I thought it was a zik, I didn't know it was Crystal Man. I don't know what it is, but it's working, baby. Dude, one of the... It was just a moment me and him shared that I didn't think about until just now we were talking.

It was the last night we were getting ready to leave. We all went out to dinner, I think it was after race day, and they all went somewhere and me and you were waiting on another car to maybe go to a bar, go back to the house or whatever. It was just me and him and he got... had a big SUV. Do you remember this? Yeah, and this is when you were at your biggest and you were getting you were getting in the G It was like a Yukon or something you were getting in and you stepped on the runner board and pulled up dude and the car We both saw the car like almost get on two wheels and he went that's a 4,000 pound truck

the car like almost get on two wheels and he went that's a 4,000 pound truck right there. 6,000 sure. It was the concern and also just pure. That's a six thousand pound car. Yes, I'm smoking. Yeah. As we just ate nineteen mozzarella. Yeah. It's like we were. It was like watching E Hon to beat up the car in Street Fighter II but it was

just him getting in. I mean if you if you spot it, you got it. Sure. I mean, yeah. But yeah, I'm not. I'm in those runners make me nervous. Make me nervous on some like the midsize SUVs I got into like a Lexus or something like that the other day and man this thing it was it was like a bad snow shovel I thought this thing was cracking. Yeah, they're very plastic sometimes But look at you now bro. You're fine. Thanks pal. Yeah, I appreciate it man I've been watching you just melting away over here. Am I happy for you?

You brought donuts. Yeah. Let's celebrate this. Just trying to pork me up a little bit. I had an anvil one. Split it with Luke. That's how I get Luke these days. When I want to cheat or be naughty, I'll split it with you. That's like ordering abs for the tables. Yeah. Oh, abs for the tables. I order abs for the other table. Hey, I think they're going to want the galamal. The apps are for the table and the fork is for defense. That's a question to kick off. Kipi has a theory of late that he wants to go all apps.

How do you feel about that? No entrees. All apps. You do a large drop of apps. If it's a group or whatever, large drop of apps. You're a small plate guy Love a small plate. You're trying to go full-scale tapas. Yes. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I think that's great But with the calamari only well, I don't like calamari because the whole pig rectum scan is that's all bullshit That's all that's all a piece. You know a lot of chilies calamari With the butt plug still in it, yeah, it's just ketchup, it's not even marinara.

I mean, that might be true. I just always assume it was fake. No, you can tell. If they're round, if it's rounded off, I would stay away from it. I think you'd be able to tell. If you get a plate of just rounds with no tentacle, no, no, no thank you.

Are you that familiar with pig butthole? I think if I was eating an asshole, I'd be aware of it I've been on the business and before I don't know dude NPR as a whole expose on this thing really they're bought and sold Nerds know what are you talking about shut up Soros? Got your real agenda over there. Yeah, see what Megan Kelly has to say about it She'll shoot you straight. I was done by Big Mozzarella's thing. Yeah, I love I love apps for the table. Love everyone's happy and then go no entrees.

Point of no entrees. Sure. Yeah. But then if you're hungry after the first rush, order another round. Yeah. Round it back out. We'll do one more of those two more of those and then call today. Because we were somewhere we went heavy on the apps as we do. We're a big app, big app crew. Yep. And then we was a steakhouse. So we all got steaks and the steaks came i'm like i just want more of the you know You're drinking and having fun. You don't eat a fucking

848 48 on steak me and my girl have been doing this and it is probably One of the hardest things that i've ever done because your your view of reality gets skewed when you're hungry and you sit down You're having an existential crisis? A little bit. And it's, you know, we want the apps, but we've been just getting entrees. That's not for me. Halfway through it, we're like, thank God we didn't. And you feel better when you walk away.

I think that if you're going to go out dining with people, because there's a difference between having a meal and dining. True. I think I'm good at dining, which means put your phone away. Hey, everyone pick something from the menu. You know what? I've had this wine before.

Let's just get a bottle of this wine. You're trying to make a meal out of it. Sure. So if you're gonna be lingering for two hours, get apps. Hey, you know what? I also kind of want to get the roast chicken. Let's get some roast chicken. Let's get some roast chicken.

We'll pick at it. Yeah, because now we have a little bit of money. It's not like the old days where you're going to C.C.'s pizza buffet. Eat other people's chicken. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah little bit of money. It's not like the old days where you're going to see these pieces of other people's chicken You ever seen someone leave their table and you go over and you stick the leftover plate I got it. I'm a real after restaurant real weird with germs I can't do as a server. It's well documented that I was a bad scarf. I saw that documentary You've seen planet girth? Damn T-bone. What a pull. Morgan Freeman narrating it. Yeah, two for two. Yeah, as a server, I remember we had a, this one place I worked at, I did it so much where they had a meeting about it. But it was sweet enough. Hey, Henry's a fat piece of shit. You see what he's doing to these escalates?

He told her the Toyota last week. But it's such a delicate thing of like you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings that they wouldn't name me specifically. It's just a silhouette of you. You think it's him. They just said hey, you know, the scarfing is either Henry or Grimace. And Grimace doesn't work here anymore. We're sorry, Tina. We should have protected you. Scarfing is the industry term for it.

Scarfing. And that's and over like the trash can and scarf it down, which is a real shameful term. I'll tell you that. Yeah, it's not a pretty term. Scarfing. It's got a negative connotation. I'll tell you that one. Yeah, it's not a pretty term It's got a negative connotation I'm there scarfing. I got a question for you fellas. Okay. I saw something here. We go. It's gonna start Let's start this thing There's there's nobody and I learned this in Indy

There is nobody as nice at same time as being a huge jerk off as Sam Talon It's like is he the nicest I don't know how to read that. You got a question little guy 24 hours I'm like the same not like me He gets up and turns the cameras off real quick. I had what's your question? Time out real quick. All right this is going to sound real humble, Braggie, for a second, but it goes to a real place. So I got invited to a Knicks game where we had access to a private box, which was insane. It was unbelievable.

What was her name? I wanted to do it, though. That's a little lowbrow for me. What was it? In the box they had some finger foods and such, you know, a little salad, a little charcuterie board, some dumplings, whatever. As we're leaving the game, it was a shared box. One of the guests has all of the salad in a plastic bag.

How do we feel about that? That's no good. I mean, that's probably not a great salad to be taking to begin with. That wasn't something like, I need this later tonight. Yeah, it'd be crazy if somebody did that. He's looking at if he's got two bags. That'd be nuts. Me and David Borey got box seats for our birthday at the Rockies game. And at the end of the night, we both looked at each other and they had all the appetizers out.

And we just fucking scraped them into a bag and left with them all. Took the sternos too. Yeah, and it wasn't a Ziploc either. It was just like a grocery bag. It's like a canvas tote, it's leaking out. Oh yeah, so you know what? Good honor. Man! Yeah, that's a tough look. Someone's just going to scarf it. Of course, that's their right to scarf it. You can't do that in front of mixed company if it's a business.

It was a double header, alright. We've been sipping them. Might have been some mushrooms going around the box. What kind of apps are we talking that sounds one thing? But I mean if you're taking a bag full of mozzarella sticks chicken tenders for the rest of the night or dump an artichoke dip Right into a Jan sport. I think it was like a southwestern menagerie It was gives Colorado, you know it was of the area It was a lot of those like taquitos Being in the uber on the way home. a lot of those like taquitos. That's fine. I remember being in the Uber on the way home,

we were just wasting whipping taquitos at people out of the window. Well, if you threw them at people, all right. That's high drinks. Yeah, exactly. It was all for the laugh, baby. I like it. You've been doing a lot of traveling.

I've been out there. You've been out there. How many countries have you been to since we've seen you? Since, well, I flew right from Ecuador to come be with y'all. That's right. That's right. Yeah, you're a day late

Uh-huh dollar short came in hot Him in a white jumpsuit and fucking crushing beers well. I had to meet that guy and move that kilo Pick him at a bus station Yeah, no I've been all over man. I did Europe I think I've been to probably 12 countries since I saw y'all last and did you go you went back to Japan? I believe you love it over there business. I Went from samurai to ronin killed my master settled the score with the Went to I went to an establishment owned by a reputable businessman. Really? Over there. Yeah.

Wow. Nice. What was the vibes of that place like? Switchblading. Yeah. I got a face tattoo. I had them covered up. I'll have the Uzi Sampler, please.

Well, I don't want to say that I smoked. Nothing on that? That's not great. It's good. It's OK. I mean, after what Toby contributed? Yes. Yeah, cannabis use, of course, is very illegal in Japan.

But there are certain establishments where reputable businessmen will have a brick of it on the counter and roll the worst joints you've ever smoked. Sure. Okay. Just straight eighth grade swag. And you're partaking in that? Well, yeah. Allegedly?

Never. Can you imagine if a travel show did get that footage though? Wow. Maybe you'd want to watch that. Yeah, I'd be careful putting that out. But bro, it was just Peter Tosh. It was just non-stop Peter Tosh on the radio and a dude in a bucket hat, the scariest Japanese guy I ever saw, with just like half of his face tattooed and him being like, do you like sublime?

He's living in the 90s. Yeah, whatever you like, I like. Keep the warm support. I was coming. Chill. we just got him here they're pretty good yeah huh okay yeah and you really you just moved to as well I moved down to southeastern Colorado man oh I'm following the steps on this one I like it you also just moved as well quick word from pretty litter gang when you actually straighten up the house for once, you want it to smell fresh too.

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions today by going to rocketmoney.com slash garbage. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. One more time, rocketmoney.com slash garbage. That's RocketMoney.com slash garbage. One more time, RocketMoney.com slash garbage. Do it. I just didn't even rank as notable, but I was almost swallowed by mud two days ago. Real nice place you got there.

I was like, this wasn't even notable. That would be the most notable thing. Stuck in quicksand? Literally. Oh no, no, mud's the name of his pit bull. Yeah. Mud sounds like a weird neighbor. Oh Man I better get home quick muds out

You're fucking nuts is this at the new house He's nice guy until nighttime When the Sun hits also who says swallowed by I would have just said I almost died in mud is what I would have said. Well I was trying to put a bow on it. He's an author. He has a wordsmith. I'm tartening up a bit. Bit of an idiot as well.

I'm putting airs on as I tell my mud swallowed story. So there I was face to face with the mud. I almost got digested in a sand trap last week. There's all these signs in the grasslands, the national grasslands are down in the county I live in and I go out and I would do my walk. Every time I talked, when we were in Colorado we were supposed to meet up but he's like, I called him and he's like, I'm 16 hours away in northern Colorado right now. I'm not going to make it back by the way the bird flies. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, the train derailed. It was very, it's all like 1820s problems he gives you. Every time I see him outside of a major city. Sorry. The bulls were in the train yard. I got swallowed by mud. With the Pinkertons hot on my tail. My pride seed threw a shoe on the box.

Sorry, I only got typhus. I can't make it go. You don't have an anvil on you, do you, by any chance? The heart attack went sour. Yeah, dude. You lived in a small town to begin with. You're your guy's old place. I'm from Elizabeth, Colorado.

And this place I live in now is smaller. There's like people walk to the sauna. It is Colorado. Walk to the sauna? The Sonic. Oh, South East of Sonic drive through but people walk to it Just picture all four of them like it's they're still in it. They're still in the formation of being in a car Yeah, it's just a mobile improv class Everything's yes end out there. But I went out to do my walk.

And there's signs everywhere that says, watch out, dangerous mud. And I'm like, well, how dangerous can mud be? Come on. I know mud. It's just fancy dirt. I'm not going to be the guy who dies in mud. But I was out walking, and the path was flooded.

So I was like, I'll just walk around it. And I walk, and then sorry steps One leg just all the way down to the thigh and I'm the earth gave way That's you know I got to get on whatever you're on fully wait was did you did your foot touch something hard or now? No, no, I was just walking so you could have went keep going down is what I'm saying I could have kept going if it weren't for my balls Thank God my resilient sack got in the way Things are filled with helium. It's a tough time getting them underwater. I can't I can't go under

It's okay Keep an inflatable life raft under my tank. It's an airbag pulled to court. Where how long did it? Were you stuck it? Oh did the panic set in or was it like I feel any no one's around you're by yourself And I am deep in the boonies I might be trespassing at this point because I just go off the least of your problems Well, there's a shotgun shells everywhere, so I just follow the shotgun shells You know and it's I there's all this there's this fucking probably 10,000 acres of land for me just to walk around in And I happen to Fall in the one mud hole so I'm down in the mud and my dad luckily told me at an early age if you ever get

Swallowed by mud you lay down you lay down you spread your body out So you spread your weight like yeah, you spread your weight So I go to the ground and now there's just eight minutes of me fighting the mud and me being like okay I don't die in the mud. Whatever you do. I'd pan. I would probably just go under just to get it over. Kippy and Foley will have a field day if you die in mud. I can't let those two idiots find out I died in mud.

I literally thought about Gillis being like, his posts, like, yeah, he drowned in mud. Wish we could say no one saw it coming. At that point, you shoot yourself and say it was suicide. You go, Gary, hands on one of those shit shotgun gels. Yeah, there's enough shells, I can reload one. Yeah, so I just was in the mud You shoot yourself and say it was suicide Yes, so I just was in the mud Wallowing in the mud and then I finally worked the leg free and then had to take a filthy walk back to the car But there was like eight minutes where I was like I'm gonna die in this fucking Cellphone access cell phone access. Did you call anybody? No, cuz I share my location local radio station

You guys still giving away shinedown tickets It's my dying wish. I want to see Chevelle I just want to shout out kiss 95.1 and if anyone has a truck with a wench I'm currently in the field by I-93. Who'd you call? I didn't call anyone. Oh, why didn't you call? I would have called somebody.

I think if you get up to your neck is when you make the call. If your phone's here, you're nuts. What are you nuts? Look, I've been in some mud. We live different lives. Yeah. You know what? Yes, we do.

We live very different lives. Yeah, you guys don't fear mud. No, I do fear mud. How are you going to make the call if you're up to your neck? Okay, all right. Well played, fellow mage. I had my earpiece in. Yeah, so I don't know, I didn't call anyone. I figured my wife had my location.

I would text her if the mud got too deep. But I also was like, I'm not gonna die. I just have to work my leg free. Oh man. But there was a moment where I was like, God, am I the guy they hung the sign for? Idiot. Is there gonna be like a memorial,

watch out for dangerous mud, Sam Talon, 87 to 24? Yeah, you're going to have that cup at the grocery store and people donate to? Yeah! Mud boy. Right. Oh, wow. That's a new special.

Mud boy. Live from the pit. It's mud boy. Wow. The benefit would have a super group that was like, there's like burr on drums, all bunch of comedians, and they'd They called dangerous mud Yeah, it'd be like the Patrice O'Neill benefit. Yeah

I mean, okay, right things seem to be going well down there. Oh, yeah, things are right on track Yeah, and what's uh, what's the house you in the house apartment? We're in a very nice house that accommodates 16 What a big old house? Yeah, is it just the two of you? Just the two of us. You renting? Yeah, we're renting. From a doctor? 16? Yeah, it's massive. Yeah, and we're sleeping in different beds every night pulling pranks on each other.

It's fun. We're like an Amish household, but all of our kids died from diphtheria. There's no one to churn the butter anymore. So it's just me pulling pranks on my wife. How many bedrooms is it? It's like six bedrooms. 19 ghosts. Okay, that's nuts. Yeah, yeah, a lot of ghosts. Is it an older house or a is it? It's like six bedrooms. 19 ghosts. 19 nuts.

Yeah, yeah, a lot of ghosts. Is it an older house or a newer house? It's been refurbished. Nice kitchen, got an island in there. Okay, but like what year is it? Is it ghost-worthy? You're putting mud motes around the house? Oh dude, well yeah, and I'm succumbing to my own wiles.

Drowning the mud. It's hubris. So yeah, it's a big old house, it's nice, man. We're eating not very good food. We're cooking vegan stuff because all the food there was like a recall on the chicken in the region. Big chicken recall. It's I feel like we live in different time periods.

I feel so embarrassed bringing this up. But this is what the people want. There's only one grocery store, I would say. Uh huh, yeah. Closes at 6pm. All the chicken got recalled? All the chicken got recalled. I do bits at the grocery store.

What do you mean bits? I walk in, I'm like, Sheila, what's going on? New eyeliner? Yeah, that kind of stuff. Small store I would have said. Real small store. What's the name of it, can I ask you? I don't even know the name of it, man.

No name. Is that small? I do know the name of it, but again, there's some sluice out there. Okay. Yeah, my wife's like very nervous the people are gonna find out what Chinese restaurant we go to Yeah, it's it's it's fucking crazy. My wife's doing rural medicine. I'm fighting mud It's just the dream. We want I mean you're a different man from the last time. I saw you yeah Well, I think I'm the same guy. I think that guy you went to indie with what does that mean yeah? Oh, he's fighting last time I met him he didn't almost die in mud that wasn't a problem. He had from day to day Yeah, that's true. I do fear hornets still

Yeah, no, it's it's weird. It's I drive two and a half hours of the airport and I fly to the big city I just walk around like babe Okay, yeah coming here now is so strange because every block is more people who live in the entire county that I'm in. Wow. I never thought of that. It's gotta be peaceful though, it's gotta be nice. Oh it's very nice.

Good stars at night? You get scared out there at all? I get scared. There's this thing in eastern Colorado where like twilight is very long and gray and the trees are all barren of leaves so they just look like ghouls and skeletons. no please do not yeah don't come they're not ready they would see a slicker like oh yeah yeah they're gonna drown you in paste

picante salsa yeah think you were from the future way to go out oh no I mean it's better than mud. I just make myself flat. It's better on a chip. Good try gang. Did I get some queso dip? That's how I want to go. Me too. Keep them coming. The real stuff. The stuff at a nice restaurant.

Yeah man. Not the tostino stuff. Because last time I talked to you guys it was like I'm going to move to Austin and then my wife got the job she wanted so. No, no. Yeah. Also, the last time you were the last time I talked to you via text was in Denver or you were supposed to link

up and you were there was some sort of there was a vulture attack there was some sort of returning a car or there was a plates issue there was something very of a YG you're like my plates are suspended I had to register my car in a county where I didn't have to get emissions testing. So I had to drive out. Talk about Eken by. That's all right. 80 bucks is 80 bucks. Man, he drove 19 hours. I did. I drove up to my dad's house and he took me in with a fake

piece of mail that I sent two days ahead of time. Well, I had mail at his house. Wait, whoa. A letter to yourself. Yeah. So it was dated to that or so it was your mail at his weights. Whoa a letter to yourself. Yeah, so it was dated to that at or so It was your name at that address. Yeah It's pretty smart. I got computers out there. No It's all just firm handshake and eye contact. I believe you. What are you whipping around in? 2009 Chevy Impala and it doesn't that would the emissions won't work. We got it in in Detroit guess what it cost me my father-in-law's life

You inherited yeah, yeah Bad game of poker That night when you didn't show ran I'm over we were doing a show at the Denver Comedy Works shout out to it I was having the set of my life and like a little kid looking for his dad in the stands of a little league game I was like if there was ever a time for Sam to walk in and respect me finally as a comedian You see me just standing in the back eating an apple off a knife blade And avoid tobes. I knew you had he put down the longboard you picked up the mic Steady has his assistant back there camcording it. Yeah, it's like I was there. Were you guys in the big room or the downtown?

Downtown, okay. Yeah, good good good. That's the one you want to be in that's great. Yeah, how many works? That's one of the best the best rooms. I think obviously it's well documented, but I mean it's fucking something else There's a magic in that in that room a tangibility. It's fucking awesome Did the green room waitress smoke any cigs in the green room? She did not a couple heaters outside together though. Oh for sure, yeah. It's a nice little dip out right there. Shout out Tanya.

It was also very nice of, she was like, hey here's the run of the show, cause we were doing two shows that night, so it was like, you know, the turn of the show is, the schedule of the show is very tight, you can't go over and blah blah blah. And she's like, you know, so she's like, there's not gonna be any curve balls to this.

I was like, well Sam Talon might come by and do a guest set. And she's like, oh well that's fine. Like I was like, Sam had like the, oh King out there. He can do what like oh well that's fine. Like I was like Sam had like the king out there. He can do what he wants. You guys were there when we were moving. We were moving like out of our house, relocating. Well we did that six months from my wife finished residency. She took six months off and we just lived on the road.

We didn't have an address. Crazy. So while you guys were there, we were putting all of our stuff in storage. I had to cook the books on the impala. You know? I had to hang a horseshoe so the spirits

didn't take my belongings. Yeah. I had a pot of black eyed peas. I couldn't leave. You know? So what was that? What was the six months like? It was fucking great, dude.

Was that like sleeping in Airbnbs, hotels, in the car? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what did that look like? This is when you- I don't know. You're saying your own- It's got no emissions. What are you talking about? Yeah. He almost died in mud you are. I don't know. I'm saying you're on no emissions. What are you talking? I don't like you. I keep asking follow question. That's nuts

He just told me he almost died in mud and didn't make a phone call I don't know about this guy. This is when you went on your big trip, right? This is when you guys were really moving and shaking. I did Japan for a week I did Australia for a month, which I'm sorry. This is the second time in Japan and not that long, right? I went with her in January and then I went back to film Wide World with the boys in July, which hey, 100 degrees, 100% humidity, good place to be 300 pounds.

Sure. Oh my God, it was hell. I remember getting on a subway car at 5pm with everyone and just smelling myself and being like, they're gonna ship me home. They're gonna take my passport. They're gonna take my passport. They're gonna put you in that dog stick with the collar. Just drag you to the airport.

They got you and your five boys all fucking. You're fighting the whole way. They just put me on a steamer ship. They sent me back around the horn. So crab rangoon with sleeping medicine in it? Oh yeah. That's how they get them? Just a big plate?

I would eat that with... I would OD on crab Rangoon. Oh man, I love me. If they were like, here's six crab Rangoons, one of them has fentanyl, I'd be like, wait, one of them? Meeny, meeny, miny. Just roll the dice. You wake up chained to a boat like King Kong. Yeah, I mean, it's a weird place to be huge, man. Sure. Roll the dice. You wake up chained to a boat like King Kong

Yeah, I mean it's not it's a weird place to be huge man sure There's guys who have jobs who is job just to make sure that enough people get on the elevator And they cram ya push in the car. Yeah, so much for me I feel like I'm a very weird personal boundary guy be nothing over there. You'd be fine Yeah, they have some life's pushing for it. Oh, you should go. I can hold your hand through a Tokyo excursion. It looks awesome. It's the best. Yeah, it looks all right.

You have me with the Yakuza, so I can smoke and hash or something. I wish it was hash. It was the worst weed ever. Allegedly. Allegedly, we don't have one. It's all scripted. Yeah, yeah.

He was an actor. It's a sitcom we're doing over here. Yeah, dude. But yeah, we were just like in the road. We spent some time in Detroit with the family, you know we were in and out we never slept in a car Okay, yeah, but yeah, it was crazy man. There's no address Forwarding everything how was Australia for a month it was their wild people you see you see any burnouts while you're out there like Like people doing donuts and shit in their cars. I just they're all hooligans

No, I say you man. Oh bands or something some guys. I thought you meant old bands or something. Yeah, I thought you meant a guy who ate 12 hits. And now he's just permanently looking for a miracle. Just flying the sign, making grilled cheese in the parking lot. Told you to lay out the sunshine, dude. Yeah, no, I did not see any burns. I mean, it was just, they're just,

they're the wildest whites in the world. Yeah, they're kooky people. And they're always like, oh, you have your problems in America with the racism and the guns It's like yeah, we let black people in and it helps. Yeah now we have rock and roll What do you jackasses have? I've had your chicken, you know There's 20 million of you guys down here It might have been recalled

Seasoning yet. What are you doing? I know I have some good recalled chicken recipes. You can make a gumbo. Got to let it cook for six weeks. I am taking the wind out of everything I say you guys are like oh this doesn't compete with any other garbage we've had so far. Wait, did you eat the recalled chicken? We dipped our toes. Oh my. It was before we knew it was recalled But then we saw the packaging and we were like, oh, we've been eating that for the last three days. It's also, there might be a, you know, it's a percentage game attack.

Yeah, there could have been a hair in that or something. Yeah, we're rolling the dice. Yeah. We saw the dealer's cards. Hit me. Yeah, I mean, it sucks down there for the most part, but it's quiet, and I'm writing a bunch of stuff, I'm ghost writing a couple things.

That's great. Yeah, yeah. Getting back into tune with yourself. You're off the road, he's back, he set up shop. But it's quiet and I'm riding a bunch of stuff. I'm ghostwriting a couple things. That's great. Yeah Getting back into tune with yourself. You're off the road. He's back. He set up shop You got any you got any nickel and you got nickel in the house, right? Oh, yeah people something What's what's floating around out there? In the in the in the woods there bears I assume others bears. There's wild boars. There's there's coyotes. There's wolves those wild boars Man, those things seem there's mountain pumas yikes yeah yeah cougars I think y'all alright I'm not talking about Toby's fucking hinge that's a mountain Puma yeah mo you NT I am do you see them like how big is the yard?

Is it like you walk out and it's just nothing? No, because we're in town. Okay. If I drive eight minutes I'm just in unregulated fucking just high plains prairie, you know. It's real cowboy stuff. Stars gotta be pretty though. Shout out old Bentz Fort. It's like our Colonial Williamsburg.

Okay. You can go to like a Santa Fe Trail Fort and see people dress like Davy Crockett. That's pretty fun. Yeah, yeah. And you'll try and take a picture of them and be like, what is that magic box you hold in your hand? Shut up, Gary. I just saw you on your iPhone.

Yeah, you're vaping. Really pushing for your sag card, aren't you, dude? Yeah. I was going to be Gary Holcomb, but there's already a Gary Holcomb, so I just go by G Holcomb now. Yeah man, it's a crazy place, and I'm glad to be there. It's a six month contract, you know?

Okay. My wife's been doing a lot for me. Buddy, I'm right there with you. I totally understand, it's a mutual compromise you gotta make in time. Now she's making real money. There you go. Which is nice.

Nothing wrong with that. Little bit's making real money nice little bit of cash each probably goes a long way out there too I would assume oh for sure rents rents either $400 or six eggs but they gotta be the big ones half a mountain Puma uh-huh yeah I just walk around and I take pictures of tracks and I sent them to my friends and I'm like what is this and then there was this one guy who was like that's a wolf you need to be careful Another guy is it's just a big coyote. You should still probably pretty careful Still be on your toes. Yeah, still have your wits about you. That's a rav4 look out a lot of bear scats a creep in the Area there's there's the creeps down there. That's what I'm not afraid of the animals

Whatever it's the people in the, you know, I grew up in the suburbs and then I've been living in the city for so long that like, now I go back to the suburbs or remote, more remote places and it freaks me out. I need to rustle and bustle. I need the noise. Oh, there's no noise.

Oh man. You're just trapped with your thoughts. I can't do it. Here, train in the distance or anything like that? At a distance, two blocks away. He lives in the train. Yeah, man. Shout out to one of the OGs, baby.

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He could, yeah. He's got his bindle. I could see you doing that. You know, I had friends who hopped trains back in the day. I'm sure you know some Oogles who've hopped some trains. Without question. Ryan Suicide. One of our good friends did.

He would go down to DC like once a week. Yeah. Hop in, go, and then visit his friends. Do I know this guy? Yeah, it's Ryan Diesel, baby. No, he would hop trains? Oh yeah. But one out of four of them just gets cut in half. Freaks me out.

They get bifurcated. Freaks me out. Yeah, split trains. He gets his share of beans. He's got any refries in that pouch? I saw him empty that ashtray the next town over. Yeah, man. Trains all the time.

They wake you up. Wake up to a train horn. You feel like Johnny Cash. I would like that. My dad grew up with a train yard behind him. He said he used to love it at night. There are literally bulls. Like you said, the railroad bulls.

Yeah, there's like, I see them. Cause I go on these long walks around town. I've become the drifter that people, like I wasn't there January. People are locking their doors when you walk by January first I wasn't there and now I'm just me everywhere covered in mud covered in mud at the general store, dude I had to walk back just caked in mud. Yeah, it's not it's not a good look necessarily And there's a lot of dogs. We'll see who's laughing last we get deputized for that posse. That's right Yeah, and we finally have to go round up

We're gonna need a mud man. Oh you got one I'm in I came pre mudded. Is that okay? It was a different thing I want to know what somebody thought when they saw that leg in print in the mud after you after you left They're texting that to someone else. It looks like a meteorite landed. It's either a Stavi or a Sam Talent, but either way, be careful. You don't have any snacks on you, right? You should be fine. If they get close, wave your arms real big and yell. I befriended a bull because I asked him, what's up with the wild dogs?

And he's like, that's going to happen around here. Wait, what's a bull? I thought you meant a real bull. No, a railroad bull. Well, I don't know what you're going to school me. They walk around and crack heads. Oh, like those guys. Protect the yard. Their security. I didn't know that was the name of them. Yeah, what are they wearing these days? They just dress like us. Yeah, oh really

Dickie's jacket type thing undercover bull undercover bull you smell toast You gotta get to Europe, it's the big one I'm so fat if I had a stroke I'd smell bagels or something like that. Is that everything? You'd smell the schmear too. You guys smell spaghetti and cream cheese? Yeah, the bulls are nice. Cause I'm not hopping obviously.

No. Man, it's really small town. It's, you know, god damn. Good diner in that town? No, no no there's a Sonic that's it there's a Sonic and then there's a where you can go over and get a six dollar turkey sandwich I appreciate that's all right we call turkey but still turkey smells like bad chicken eat it shut up at six dollars

it's turkey imitation dergies all right I went there on Monday and I saw a lady Just dump a handful of pills and give them to the waitress That's what that's what we're up to. I'm gonna be looking for Toby, why don't you bleep the name? Yeah, I was gonna make sure of course clean all that up of course. Yeah. Yeah, do you fuck with imitation crab by the way? No, I don't care for it really a crab salad I'm okay with it. But if you're just serving it to me and trying to pass it off, I got full steel.

No, no, of course. You only, you would have it in a... You would have it as imitation, you knowingly it's imitation crab meat. I would never serve it to people. No, yeah, but you would eat imitation crab salad. I have. My grandfather, when he was slowly losing his mind, he was a legitimate hobo back in the day.

He would ride a train from Garden City, Kansas all the way to Philadelphia, work in the textile mills as a kid, come back, drop off his handful of coins. But he would make this weird mulligan stew. And we would eat it all the time when we were kids. It was good. It would just be like a bunch of different meat with like some bell peppers, some onions and stuff.

But then he started losing his mind and he would be adding like coffee and diet coke to it. And my dad drew the line when he was adding imitation crab meat oh And that directly led to him being like hey, we got a check grandpa into the home Yeah, the motor oil on the mustache hairs, okay? Yeah, that's okay my grandpa used to make his own Coca-Cola cuz they changed the recipe So he spent like 30 years trying to reconfigure the old coke recipe. That's pretty good sounds like my fucking hero He was the man over Ova Talent, shout out.

Yeah, legit Ova. Ova Talent. Did I tell you this story before? I don't think so. My grandfather was named after a guy who during the Depression, this is the story he told us, a guy would ride around on train cars

and he would have these dust bowl towns, would round up wild dogs, and they would stake them to the ground, the dogs would be staked to the ground, and then this guy, Ova, who was like a street fighting man would stake himself to the ground, the dogs would be staked to the ground. And then this guy, Ova, who was like a street fighting man would stake himself to the ground and people would pay a nickel to watch him fight all the dogs. And that's who my grandpa's allegedly named after.

It's this legendary hobo dog fighter, Ova. God damn. Man. Yeah, he's a good guy. What kind of sponsorship you get for something like that? Netflix or anything like that? Fighting dog. Yeah, I think you just get a fucking Hep C shot a little bit of rabies. Yeah, God

Over over what I loved you guys you like straight shooters It was fun man. Wait the fighter your grandfather my grandfather. I bet that fighter wouldn't have much give with you guys You never fought a dog in your life. I Bet you're eating canned meat Mr.. Fancy pants over there. Yeah, they're imitation turkey meat. Yeah, man. Ova. He's dead. Your grandfather. I think the dog fighter too. The dogs are still alive. That's crazy. There's not a live shelf, but yeah, it was a work. He was like a pro wrestler. He's talking to the dogs. Hey, listen go down on the third. Yeah.

Okay, I mean very you know Colorful year you've had Beautiful year. What was your favorite place that you were at man, Bratislava in Slovakia? I love Bratislava didn't have high hopes to the show there eight people came nice. Let me tell you this army of garbage I love you guys. You guys fucking show up to the shows. You tell me where you saw me a lot of it's here, man They're good. They're good people there They're some of the best and that that is one of the things we do love hearing of like I'll get a text from somebody like I was just in st. Louis

Yeah, everybody came out was like yo found your own a YG big fan love you love you It's awesome to hear that they do introduce. He was pure trash to their girlfriend. Oh, this guy's a huge piece of shit They're bringing buckets one guy's got dirt one guy's a huge piece of shit. He almost drowned in mud. It's that mud guy. Do the mud bits, Sam. Do the mud bits. They're bringing buckets. One guy's got dirt, one guy's got seltzer water. Mud, mud, mud. Do they even barking at shows? Not the AYG, but just my people come

and they start barking when I walk out? I don't know. I think I made a bark at me joke. And now I walk on stage and it's just a bunch of 23-year-olds with zintins and backwards white hat just going Big dog gotta let the big dog eat me. Yeah Start calling you big bud. I like that. They've been calling me the toad ever since the special came out. I like that Yeah, it's good. I'm barking at you. I love them. They all all of those kind of fit you. Oh The big muds all right, I wish it didn't fit so well

Toad the big muds all right. I wish it didn't fit so well I know you gotta talk to the big mud it's like a hand-me-down It fit my father it fit my grandfather they stick him to the ground and he fights recalled chickens Never lost the match Fixes in everyone in your family can be called country breakfast. Oh for sure yeah About a slava was good because we were just walking around my wife and I and we stumbled into a natural wine festival oh in the center of town you a natural wine I could peg you for an actual guy I don't think I've ever had what's the difference it's natural fermentation so they don't do anything to make it happen they just like leave buckets of crushed grapes with

the skins in outside and then like natural yeast come by and like impregnate it and that's the fermentation they leave it open I think so so it's rotten. Well wine wine is rotten Yeah, just don't speed up the chemical process, right? So it doesn't give you a hangover, bro No kid this shit's elixir and my wife and I were pounding them while listening to Balkan music and there's like young women like Dancing in traditional style and then you go to the show. Hey, we had to move it. We're moving to this cool coffee shop All right. Why well the theater? You sold eight tickets and it holds 18 great. Yeah

tonight I thought there'd be more foot traffic They're making wicker chairs out of crop town Everybody's out there eating drinking scrap. Yeah, wait, does it taste like regular wine? Yeah, it tastes better. Yeah, I haven't had it though, but it's made a big run the past handful of years. Yeah, it's like an ancient technique, ancestral method, petulant, brute, depending on where you are.

These are all ways to order it. I understand one out of every nine words he says. And ancestral. Ancestral, peasant, what'd you say? Ancestral method, that's how their ancestors made it. And then petulant, brute means sparkling raw. He says yes, I hear yeah ancestral peasant. What'd you say ancestral method? Okay, how their ancestors made it and then a petulant brute means sparkling raw sounds like missionary position. Yeah I got here. Hey turn the lights off Turn turn one back on

I'm going how worse in the dark Don't step in mud I don't want to step in mud. It reminds me of my honeymoon. Hey, we're having fun. Oh, yeah. But yeah, we went to this bar afterward that one of the comics owned, The International in Bratislava. And we walk in, and it's just all Serbs and Bosnians.

OK. And he's like, hey, man, it's Serbian music night. It's fun. But watch out. All these guys have screwdrivers on them, and they're going to try and fuck your wife now get in there I get out there and be somebody We're doing karaoke 20 minutes. Oh, yeah a good time though good hang yeah

Yeah, it's kind of those did they make moves on the missus. No she's a surly she can take care of herself, okay? Yeah, she's got the mud king at home there. You go. Yeah got her own screwdriver She keeps it my mom used to do that she was a screwdriver going screwdrivers to the bar No kid a bar the bar. Yeah, why she don't want to pay was it a price thing? Well half her brain was broken from a stroke. So we just let her get away with everything. Hey Drivers are all right. They're good men in the morning. Yeah, it's defer. Yeah, if you're doing in the morning I'm not a mimosa guy I don't like the bubbles if I am gonna do something and if we're drinking in the morning, Yeah. It's the first, yeah, if you're doing it in the morning. I'm not a mimosa guy, I don't like the bubbles. If I am gonna do something, if we're drinking in the morning,

it will be a screwdriver. It's one of those things that are better, it's better the worse the orange juice is. Does that make sense? Like a screwdriver with like fresh squeezed orange juice is not as good. But if it's that jail juice jug, Tampico, that shit hits.

Yeah, it's very good. Yeah, it's more of like a mixed drink rather than like, you know, trying to be an actual fruit drink. Right, I like a lot of ice in the screwdriver. I don't want any pulp in there It's also pulp You don't love pulp I love pulp You don't want to screw dry on the screwdriver because it jams up the straw sure I'm a man of systems. Uh-huh. I respect it. Yeah, I

Screwdrivers for me. I hold such a Near and dear place I think a lot of people's hearts in the sense of like it was the first drink a lot of people had It was they can get your hands on you. You don't know anything So you're like I'll do it get us a bottle of vodka and we'll just make screwdrivers Yeah, like I remember drinking screwdrivers smoking Marlboro milds and singing Billy Joel on a couch in a garage That's a good 2004 or something. Do you remember when Little John and all the boys were drinking out of gas cans? Oh yeah, crunk juice I believe it was. So we would do crunk juice, but we would do it in gas cans just like they were in the garage.

That have been used? Right. Oh that dude, that's... Jesus. Yeah, so like me and David Borey, 2004, I remember we like ended up drinking probably way too much gasoline. Yes. More than the USDA recommended amount of gasoline. And he doesn't like imitation crab meat.

Get the fuck out of here. I'll drink natural wine only, but boy I've had some gas. You let it smoke, you're breathing fire. Oh yeah dude, yeah. Man, you're saying shit like this is for Huffin and for Sippin. The gentleman's choice. Yeah, that gas can thing killed a lot of people. Yeah, that's crazy dude.

That's too much. Nothing crossed your mind to be like you can get them for five bucks at the gas station or whatever? No, if you're just like at a party, like how are we going to kick this thing into overdrive? I know what we're going to do. Let's kill ourselves. It's gas night. We had a party in college one time. Remember how you used to they used to make like like the punch in like a trash can? Yeah, yeah. And I think it was it wasn't our fraternity was another fraternity where like the pledges had to like make it.

And they instead of getting a clean trash can, they used an old one. Dude, like 50 people got like violently ill like the next day. Smell that sweet trash smell. Yeah, but after you do that, recalled chicken is nothing. got like violently ill like the next day. Smell that sweet trash smell. Yeah, but after you do that recall chicken is nothing. That's how you build the antibodies for you. That's his training for the gauntlet of his life. Got the intestine of a Komodo dragon after that.

Are you kidding me? Crapping eggs. Eating anything dude. Just the rat skeleton comes out. Like an owl? Owl pellet. Oh you know owl pellets. Oh, I heard that the other day I am an owl pellet currency where I'm from I Think I pay rent in these parts wait refresh my memory. Thank you. I'll poop

Yeah, it's really it's a regurgitate eat a whatever like an owl eat a bird right? I just the the the yes the feathers the Skeleton all stays in their stomach and gets like compounded and like a mud type thing and they Make a hairball, but it's not intact Sam get stuck in it Yeah, no, it's no. What do you mean? It's not intact. It's not like it's not like a fossil It's not a cartoon where they just pull the fish That's not Sylvester the cat. It's a real bird. He's like many of these owls. I've heard about him I've never seen one what's going on here?

Dutsypop guy so it comes out of like an egg and then that's just like a Mismatch of the bones the feathers the whatever the error of whatever it ate is all fun to put that try to put that together our seven-year science yeah like you have to determine what it is like oh this was a pigeon or this was a rabbit or what a ferret yeah some kind of marmot this was a young boy I can take him off the list close the case on him Notify the parents Yeah, he had the Shack Slammer I know thank God cuz I talked about it. They were giving me shit that a lot of the listeners We were talking about dissecting frogs and he's fetal pigs. I think we did pigs as well. How old are you?

36 yeah, I'm 37 so that makes sense. I think I whatever you know age it switch from the frogs We started doing they were just a glut of you did this once I did what do you want you go to an agricultural school? I did I did one there was one in Roxborough in Philly that I wanted to go to but I wasn't allowed were you in 4h? I was in 4h, but only because I was in a Wait, wait, why weren't you allowed to work with the animals? What were you up to I had a couple I had a couple pending truck Charlie how you gave with the old Colombian courtship PetSmart lawsuit. Those doves were dead when I got them.

That one's a snapping turtle. He's just a call Mr. Peanutbutter. How do you think I got the name Kippy? All smooth. No, my ma, it was like you had to go completely and you didn't learn regular courses. It was like you had to go then be a farmer or whatever. And I was like, where are you gonna be a fuckin' farmer? West Philly.

Come out to where I live. Yeah. And then I'd knock it, yeah. But wait, you did this more than once. No, I did it once. We did the pig and then the alp, the alp owl at first and then the pig. And I don't think you told us about the pig.

What is an impregnated pig? Is that what you said a fetal? What does that mean? It's the pig fetus Yeah, it's just like this big and it's in like ours came in like a plastic bag like you cut open a t-bone Yeah, yeah, I snuck it out of the skybox It paired wells with a caprese salad yeah, It's got Thai chili oil over it. Maybe a little orange wine, it goes a long way. Brings out the note of hooves. Uh, yeah, okay, because you did a frog. That's like very stereotypical to me.

We did a frog once. Yeah. Man. One time my friend Andy Quinn in high school stole the bag of frogs from the biology room, and for a senior prank, he just dumped them off the second story bridge in the school and just rained frog parts on everyone and he was like Another day at the office Alright, that's it for me boy. Yeah trouble for that. Oh, no he was king

Really nothing Andy Quinn walked out of our standardized tests one time and he lit a cigarette in the lobby And he said what the fuckers sin and cause? Sign yeah, you would have no idea. I don't know. You see. But I like to deliver you the line. I got time for this. Yeah. No, wow. OK. Did you do a did you do a senior prank of any kind?

No, no. How are you in school? I was very good. Very good. Yeah, that makes sense. Sharp guy. I know. I'm sure we asked you, but your SAT scores were what we did a CT Probably good in the 30s. Yeah. Yeah, it's yeah, it's not like 34 36. It's a published author. What are you talking about? Oh published you and your not you and your horse school Yeah, but I was in 4h because I was in some after-school program Yeah, I never understood that was they made you join like you we had a joint forage I don't know what it was. They made you join. Like, you know, we had to join 4-H.

I don't know what it was. I just found out later that I was in, I was thoroughly embarrassed. Yeah, I mean, 4-H was big, and also those girls, they were like wrestling managers. They were a sure thing. Really? What is 4-H?

I don't know. I remember the commercials. Can we get 4-H? I think husbandry is one of them. No. Yeah, cause it's all animals, right? Animal husbandry is like the care of animals. Okay. It doesn't mean just banging the cows. I thought it was like the Boy Scouts

or something like that. No, it's more of an agricultural based, like how to be a... Really? Not a farmhand, but how to grow up in a rural area. I'm blown away that they had it in Philadelphia. It was more, I was in the suburbs, but it was more of like by name. I thought it was some kind of after school program. It's after school. Kickball or something like that. No, that would have been great. I would have been in 4-H. It was a dodgeball club. Come on, I was finger banging a horse.

Yeah, I'm up to my elbow when I heffer. What do you got, T-Bone? All right, so 4-H. Did you say up to your elbow when I heffer? He did. Oh, he did? I just heard it. The kid's on fire.

Get him some more of that Ozepic. Yeah. All right, 4-H stands him some more of that hoes up there. All right. 4-H stands for Head, Heart, Hands and Health. Oh, husbandry. I don't know. No, no, no. It might have been different out there in Colorado. I don't know. Hey, Eddie, you broads. Swing. I got a pineapple. It's upside down.

He just walks in, puts it on the table. What's up, lady? We need some more fetal pigs. He's not wrong, because we had it in North Carolina and it is like you're looking at like horse tails and shit. But it's marketing is, it doesn't allude to that at all. It's a US based network of youth organizations whose mission is engaging youth to reach their fullest potential while advancing the field of youth development. They pivoted probably in the 90s because it became less, you know, less people, more people in cities and stuff like that. Right, there were less people who were like, raising.

Yes, exactly. Huh. So they, because that husband, that wasn't what it was when I was in it, I don't think. They had to get that out of there because kids got the wrong idea. Husband? What? Okay, what if I'm a girl? It wasn't what it was when I was in it, I don't think. They had to get that out of there because kids got the wrong idea. Husband. What?

Okay, what if I'm a girl? The kids with 4-H, they would raise a calf all the way until it became. No way. Yeah, and then they would sell it off at the Elbert County Fair, and they'd get like fucking 1,500 bucks, you know? What did they do with it?

We ate it. Yeah, what do you think we did with it? Threw it a fucking birthday party? Kingston you here for the cow. Oh, yeah, it was food Party we're doing a 5050. Yeah, they hung cans off the back of the cow That's cute. I always wanted to do that. We never did that as far as like you raise a little baby chicken Yeah, all the way through do that. No, did that as far as like you raise a little baby chicken. Yeah. All the way through. Did you do that?

No, we had the fake babies. That's great. That's like from Saved by the Bell shit. Yeah, yeah. That's like so tropey. Mm-hmm. And did you survive? Did your guy survive? I think I snapped his neck once. I was giving him the Stone Cold Stunner.

Yeah. Hey, my baby's a huge pussy I Remember that it was like during football season So it was just you let like the managers raise your baby for three hours a day Then you go home and you have the baby and it wakes you up like twice. It's not a big deal That's real athlete stuff. Oh, yeah You got another baby with another girl there's a hundred in the diaper That's real athlete stuff. Oh yeah. Hey toots. You're giving her hush money. You got another baby with another girl?

There's a hundred in the diaper. I can't be going public with this. Side piece watching the kids. Yeah. You got like a half Mexican one. Oh God. Fuck yeah. 4H.

4H, you weren't a Cub Scout were you're boy scout no none of that no That was I thought that was for fucking pussies right away. Yeah, no I mean same with us They would wear their little like boy scout uniform to school. I think they're so I've said that this has been documented, but my buddy was in I've said that this has been documented, but my buddy was in Boy Scouts Cub Scouts, whatever like actively from a very young age to I think like through high school He did it and I got hurt. I hurt myself very far back saved your life saved my leg It was like my I jumped out of a tree We were like rope swinging I jumped out and my knee was bent

I hit a root or a rocker and my knee exploded Oh, it was like hanging off like a burst papaya. Okay, it's pretty good came out The Sun was low that day in the Great Plains Kimmy's pomegranate like a mile back in the woods and I couldn't get out Yeah fucking he was like I saw a picnic table a couple, you know, whatever back He ran kicked the legs off put us on wrapped it up and carried me to oh Well, I'm in town. He dragged you out on the table. Yeah him and another person They made a stretcher out of it kiss kissing him the whole way though You fucking nerd

Don't tell nobody about this I skipped out of here But yes, I dragged myself out and I beat you up Yeah I don't know if that one life-saving event is worth the six years of just torture me and my friends put on these kids. So, of course not. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was like so in the 90s or in the late 90s.

It was so anti-cool. Yeah, yeah. It was like something left over that the dorks would do. It was just so not what I wanted to do. Meanwhile, I'm wearing Lee Pipes over here smoking red. I was a Lee Pipes man myself. Yeah, 100%. I I wanted to do. Meanwhile, I'm wearing Lee Pipes over here smoking Resin. I was a Lee Pipes man myself. Yeah, 100%. I always wanted to do it.

It was just never a thing that. Couldn't find an alphabet. Come on. Low hanging fruit, still fruit, guys. He doesn't touch the stuff. And I'm back. I got to wear the counselors' old. 4820.

Isn't that the funniest part of you know fat little kid the improper fraction of 38 18 Is this kid sideways Yeah, no I oh cuz I did kind of like that like outdoorsy kind of stuff the thing that they could have done to turn It all around is they should have gotten the cookie game, too Is that it's always food with it? You know, it makes little boys cool selling The whole image alright girls

Start doing steaks or something Selling a porter selling switch blades how big is your family? the arms trade About our sides moving guns As I tell you what when those Girl Scout cookies came around you couldn't tell me nothing. No, they're out right now Oh, are they really they're just perpetually out at this point. I feel like I see them all you get them on line I assume I think they have to manufacture scarcity so they sell. Oh, that's pretty good. It's like blood diamonds. Exactly. And you're right, it is that time of the year. It's exactly like that.

They do come around to the Easter time. I bought some maybe two months ago. Yeah, did they make it out of the car? They did. You did? You didn't say nothing? I bought them, I got them from my wife. I was out in the burbs. They were selling them outside the tobacco express that I was popping into.

Played my daily numbers. Checking in on your investments. Wait, the kids were out there in front of the tobacco store? They were right next to it, yeah. That's where the foot traffic is, daddy. I don't know what to tell you. They were in front of the check-cashing place. Yeah, nobody was hitting a produce store.

Hey, don't forget about the Girl Scouts on your way out there, moneybags. Pay your light bill and stop by get some Samoas And I got that was very funny it was I bought them for my wife I was like, oh look like this is and she didn't know she's never seen them before so cuz she's German I was like, oh, this is a be a cool thing and she's like one. She didn't like the cookies and two She's like I thought they baked them. Oh, she's like that that was just the narrative we always understood like they were Keebler elves yeah and I was just like who the fuck's gonna just be in random broadskin

cookies that they think they got a demo kitchen on front of the liquor store embarrassing me in front of the girls she's a little student yeah she's had a fig in her day that blew her skirt. He started beating her up Get my smokes and get back in a car Yeah, my head hurts those tag alongs man, yeah They're all I mean, they're all good. I'm not a not a huge sweet guy. So it's that's it's a little bit lost I love them. Yeah, what's your favorite? The karma ones the karma delights as they call them now But as I've gotten older as an older gentleman, I used to push them away when I was a kid a shortbread cookie

You're not telling the truth if there was a cookie with an arms length Yeah, but a short bread when you were a kid that might as well be a cracker. Yeah, that's true You know what I mean? But now I've been I love a shortbread cookie How do you just shit at the middle like those are unbelievable? Do you dip in coffee? I dip it in coffee. I'll dip it in a little milk a little chocolate milk You know what I mean? Yeah rum Rumble stills LSD Get my trip on with some thin mints have you ever had the dropper in hand oh, yeah No, what's that acid? Yeah liquid acid. Oh, yeah, you ever been puddled

Oh, yeah, no what acid yeah liquid acid. Oh, yeah, you ever been puddled Someone's just like hey, I'm gonna give you some hold your hand out And then they like spill the whole dropper in your hand and now it's like intentionally Sometimes it feels like there's intent uh-huh, and I wanted absorbs through the hand. I'm not an acid guy I was suited for three days. Yeah, no straight into the eyedropper into the under the tongue Yeah, but no put it on something so you can regulate the dose. I've never had anyone do that to me, but I've sent myself to the splash zone many times. Oh yeah? Oh yeah.

Whoa. The guy likes wet work. Yeah. He's the fixer. Give it up for the fifth dimension. Ah. What'd that look like? Were you just gone? Oh yeah, red-eye flight from Calif- let me tell you, I solved airline travel, buddy. What's the like were you just gone? Oh, yeah red eye flight from Calif. Let me tell you I solved airline travel, buddy

What's the matter with you? Listen buddy, I had a VR headset with me. What am I supposed to do? You're on acid on an airplane in a VR headset and the fact you didn't get arrested somewhere I think he was in his apartment the whole time He was in the park with two pine cones taped to his face. I'm in the matrix. It's almost like real life. It's all ones and zero.

Two pine cones holding two squirrels squeezing their heads. That sounds like a nightmare. Oh, there was, it was awesome. Except for 30 minutes where I couldn't find my phone. Yeah. Oh man, I felt like I was in Air Force One dude Oh my god, I could break it out. Oh, I hate drugs on a plane. I am NOT a drug man

I like booze on a plane. Booze is like I'm boozed up take the edge off, but uh The zins on a plane are the best. They are the bin. You got a couple in you You got your movie going maybe a little Fargo Lebowski Whatever sure and then you all of a sudden you remember. Oh shit Can you imagine doing LSD with Toby and he's just cackling and his eyes are all scabbed over from lack of oxygen I'm so fun Start waterboarding them. Yeah, where were you on the 17th? We wait all the shortbread cookies. Why do you laugh so loud? Oh?

Man god bless you to me. That's not scary man Yeah, I had a buddy. I remember one time. We were in I I'd never dabbled in it, but all of my friends I was the only one to not and I remember my buddy had like it like the tabs right like the paper But it was like it like powderized or something. It was in like cellane. I broke it, and I remember he dumped it in his eye. And I was like, we were all like, dude, you might not come, like, we were 18 or something. It was like. That's one of the worst holes to use.

Man. There's so many better holes on your bottle. He had heard about it in a rap song or something, so I was like, I'm doing it, and fucking, he, uh. Quit taking advice from Three-6 Mafia Hahahaha These guys are cool Shout out to Project Pap by the way And their boy Computer

I don't know if you guys remember that They had it, they had it, they had it One of my all time favorite nicknames They had a reality TV show And their boy Who was the only one who knew How to send emails they called him computer Had to be done online computer did

We need a new angel flyer site computer That's all right, but boys. I think we got to wrap it up all right. Hey, man. Sammy T. What a fun one Let's run this down real quick one more time cuz we love you. You got chubby behemoth. He can hear him every week He's got the special out toads morale on YouTube He's got a brand new travel show episode 1 & 2 are out right now on his YouTube page And of course as I said in the beginning, you know, he's the author of running the light. Everybody loves it Unbelievable book unbelievable comic unbelievable man. Anything you want the folks are done or no hit them Yeah, like anything in in April April dates Sam talent comm all right

Hyenas come see me there. I'll be in Dallas Bloomington comedy attic just Sam talent comm I'm on the road forever all time fucking Fucking it's it's a beautiful thing to watch Sam perform You know the opening of that special is just foot on the gas. Thanks, man. Just kick an ass. Thank you I remember you did our we were at skank fest and you did our AYG and friend show where we all just like went up and did sets and then kind of dick around at the end and I Was like, oh, yeah, I'll go on after Sam and I was so hungover and you went up and started murdering within four seconds Oh, man, I remember I had a I had a beer on the back of my neck trying to cool my headache And I was so hungover and you went up and started murdering within four seconds

I had a beer on the back of my neck trying to cool my headache. Yeah, I made a bad decision Josh Potter away Yeah, can't be the best in the business and I just love being here with thank you You're a dear friend, and I'm happy to know you. Thanks man. Love you. Guys, we are all over the road as well. All tickets are available at rugarbage.com and check out both of our specials on YouTube.

Check them out gang on the RU Garbage YouTube page. Gang, we love you and we'll see you next week. Peace. Peace.