Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tank Sinatra!

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Kippy and Foley are with Tank Sinatra this week! It's a fun one. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Box of Awesome: https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Helix Sleep: https://www.HelixSleep.com/Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Hachi, Machi, that middle class famous tour is in full swing, Gipperino. You ain't lying, Fatty. It's a live comedy show. We play the little AYG with the crowd. Great way to introduce people to the show. Bring the squad. Come out and see us.

We're coming, baby. Yeah, gang. These tickets are selling quickly. So make sure you get your tickets. We're coming in. We're going to be Red Bank, New Jersey. Then we're going to Seattle, Portland, Olan, August. Then in September, we're going Kansas City, Springfield,

St. Louis. Then we're going down under Nashville, Hitton, Indy. Coming home to Philly, baby. The chicken's got to come home to roost. Then we're hitting Providence, Rhode Island, and up there to Beantown. Get those tickets. Let's go.

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Oh, yeah.

The little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find out they're going to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here in Antutti's basement. She's upstairs sunbathing. She's got three weeks booked at Heatedism.

She's trying to get ready. She goes for a long time. No tan lines. Get it in down there. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, slightly unamused this week. But what are you going to do? He is the CEO of Are You Garbage.

He's an international businessman. He is the Prince of Park Avenue. But always, the king of the boardwalk, baby. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe

on iTunes, full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. Trudero. Fucking cooking, baby. Woo-wee. And then there was one more thing. www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage, the greatest goddamn website ever created.

Shout out to fucking the Yam and the Conti families, the two inventors of that goddamn website. Love them. Fucking American heroes you are. We just hit 5,000 patrons over there today. Going camping. This morning, baby, going camping. Sign up, get all the fucking bonus content over there.

It's a good time. Get the bug spray and the bear spray. We're going out into the wild, baby. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man makes us all look good. He works the ones and twos. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin.

Mr. Toby McMullen, everybody. What's up, dudes? What up, dog? Dude, this has got to be the most jack guy we've ever had. I know, dude. He's built like the fucking gold gym logo. Fucking, like the shield rolled in here.

Holy shit. Gang, we couldn't be fucking more excited to have our Incredibly. And I mean, incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. You have seen him on Chrissy Chaos. You've seen him on the Adam Ray podcast. You've seen him on the Adam Corolla podcast.

He's been on Ellen. What? He's been on Instagram with Mr. Mark Zuckerberg. You hear that, bozos? Have you fucking heard of him? He's the co-host of meme daddies, but here's the real fucking turkey. Let me tell you right now.

Get to the numbers. His Instagram page, tanksanacha, three million followers. That's nothing. His other page, tanksgoodnews, 2.8 million followers. Did that by accident. Let's go! Fuck around and hit three million, no big deal. His third Instagram page, influence in the wild,

which is now a gain that you can get. It is right here, 4.9 million followers. Let's see, add those numbers up. You got the two of the eight. That's a lot of fucking people. Chances are you followed us fucking out. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, he is an internet sensation. He is the master of the fucking memes,

but the big question, but he's mine today, is he garbage? I ain't to tell him to his face. It looks like he leads with a headbutt. Give it up for tanksanacha, everybody. I am Irish. I will lead with a headbutt. You got to be first move headbutt guy.

Oh yeah, what's a boom? I mean, just by nature. It's not even, it's not my move, but I could see it happening, for sure. Yeah, it's in you. You also have the vibes of a guy who has someone in a headlock while punching someone. You know what I mean?

We're just like, get the fuck, you're just like bebopping and scatting fucking. I'm good for two or three. I need help beyond that, yeah. Buddy, thank you so much for coming in, man. Congratulations again. Here's the game, influences in the wild. Check it out.

Check it the fuck out. Very cool. Influencers in the wild, the game. Thank you. Go places, gain followers, get famous. No talent required. Look at that. That's the tagline.

In order to away you motherfuckers. I love here, the Foley thing. I've been watching this podcast for a while. This thing you do here, it reminds me of Matt Foley. I mean, I don't know if you know about that. Oh, you do that? I haven't picked up on that. Do I do that?

No, no, no, this. You do this when you talk a lot. You fucking, you do the framing like a Matt Foley, I'm 35 years old. Okay. I'm living a van down by the river. You're in a studio apartment in the story of Queens. My girlfriend hates me.

Anybody got blown. I can't get enough of it. Just the emphasis on every joke is just boom. Thank you, buddy. I feel myself wanted to do it because in the microphone and my shoulders are just like, I want to punch it. The shoulders are fucking jacked.

Yeah. I was doing push-ups in the car on the way here. I have a Tesla. In the car? I got a flatbed truck. I have a Tesla, so I just put it on auto drive and I was doing push-ups in the backseat. Do it chin-ups.

Elon was not happy. This kid's doing burpees in traffic. That's what we're talking about. I know we're going to get to the Are You Garbage questions later, but just to put myself ahead of the game a little bit. Comes with gifts and a brown paper bag, my kind of guy.

Forget the bow, forget the ribbon. It's better not be D-ball. I'll tell you that right now. Listen, I've been listening for a while. Okay. This is making me nervous. I don't know what this is. You were talking about sleeping with a T-shirt

on your face for a while. Ooh. So this is, oh. A sleep mask with a stain on it, ladies and gentlemen. A weighted sleep mask. It came from Amazon. I don't know where it was before that. Oh, that's very nice.

You feel that, right? I'm doing the Patreon episode. You get me a Snickers bar? Foley. He's not too far off. I went back, I mean, I'm from a Long Island. Thank you so much. So when I was growing up in Long Island in the 90s, 80s,

this was like the epitome of cool. If you had one of these, you were just fucking crushing puss. It hit me. What the? A zippy? A zippy? A gold zippy.

Buddy. Holy shit. I don't get you a gift with no battery, so I got the fucking item hand, too. That's a fire hazard. He can't be trusted with flammable fucking liquids. This is, I'm gonna have to look. Buddy, that's too sweet of you.

You'll get this after you do your homework. I was gonna get it inscribed with the word garbage, but the guy didn't understand what I was saying. He didn't know what I was saying, so I just. Thank you. That's sweet. That's very sweet of you. I didn't see that.

Made in the USA, huh? Zippo, look at that. He even says it on the bottom, because a lot of the Chippos out there don't say it. I know you're off the Sigs, so if you just, if you wanna crack open a piece of. Look at this guy, he's pulling out fucking getting Santa Claus.

I know. I wanted to get myself some points before the question's rolling. No, you don't need points. I know, I'm from a Long Island, I'm from Suffolk County. It's tough to come out of Long Island not crashing. It's very, very hard.

I grew up on Jericho Turnpike. Ooh. In an easy pants line. Across the street from Chuck E. Cheese, so. Stop, you're giving it away. It's easy, it's great. You ever talk to the cops before zipping, will you? I killed her, I swear.

What the fuck? It was a speeding ticket, Jericho. Say your seatbelt was undone. Give us the full story then. All right, so Suffolk County, Long Island. New York. Give us the story. New York.

Give us the backstory, the origin story. Parents. Catholic, Irish, alcoholic, CIA family. What's CIA? Catholic, Irish, alcoholic. Ah. That's real, that's real fucking better, help shit, I like that.

Yeah, yeah. Older sister, younger sister, literally grew up. I mean, there was a Chuck E. Cheese across Jericho Turnpike from me. My house was right behind what used to be called Jeffries, then became the New York Sports Club. There was a head. It was a gym?

A gym, yeah. One thing, he's just fucking born behind a gym. Yeah, I was born in the old. They were throwing out all the old treadmills. He was fucking lifting them over his head. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Converted into a crib. Some little kid keeps stealing all the kettlebells.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Kid's gonna be an animal. And, you know, I was pretty normal. My father worked for the Long Island Railroad. Dad worked for the Long Island Railroad, what'd your mom do? Clean houses. Clean houses, okay. Raised us.

So middle class family. 100%. 100% middle class family. Single household. Shout out to middle class famous tour. Of course, thank you very much. Get your tickets available now, shows are selling out all over the country.

Yeah. House? Ranch. Rancher. A rancher. Yeah, yeah, one floor. I was born in a rancher as well. Three bedrooms.

The Yellowstone? Basement. Basement? Yeah, just a normal house with like, you know. What was the basement redone? Smoking in the house. Heavily. Who, mom or dad?

Both. Both mom and dad, cranking heaters. Every family. Ripping heaters all day long. What was the brand of choice? Marlboro Light. Woo! I know a gentleman when I see him.

The month says that trashy. Marlboro. Marlboro. The Marlboro Miles in my house. Shout out to the Miles, baby. Christmas gifts were bought. I mean, we were going for the raft in my house. No one ever got that.

Also, you wouldn't have the lung capacity to fucking get down the, you know, the river. Yeah, I mean, we had jackets. We went pretty heavy. I had a Marlboro Miles jacket, like a red jacket. Damn, that thing was. So those things are coming back into style now

with all these young hipster kids. Yeah. You go into like a fucking thrift shop and they're like 800 bucks to get a Marlboro Miles jacket. Oh, they cost thousands in actual cigarettes. But Tim, that's a perk. You were buying a Bernie's anyway. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you were gonna buy him anyway. I mean, we would be sent around the corner to go buy cigarettes and the lottery tickets and all that shit. And there was a bar around the corner from my house and I used to go to the bar. My mom cleaned the bar. She found it.

Just do what? Would you do a bar? Hanging out in the bar. Hanging out with my parents. Yeah. Just chilling in there. Yeah, yeah. We'd play the thing.

Shuffleboard? No, not shuffleboard. It was like a, an arcade version of a shuffleboard, but there was wood shavings in there. You'd throw the little wood disc with the metal. Did the little bowling things come down from the top? And then pop up.

And then pop them. And they had the little pins like that you had to hit the, they had to have them. That saw dust when you were a kid, man. That might have all been fairy dust. That stuff was magic. It was magic the way that things slid across the fucking table.

So my mom cleaned that bar. Okay. Found the dead body in there one morning. Come to find out later. You sound like she found a mouse, dude. No, I mean, it was like, it was a big deal. Huge deal. Yeah.

She would assume it's a dead body in a ball. Yeah, yeah. The guy just fell down the stairs and like just kind of, He can't really swiffer that away. We're at a pledge and there's a dead guy at the bottom of the stairs. Who was the guy? I don't remember, but I remember being in meetings later on

hearing a guy talk about the guy who died. Did he live there? Did the guy live there or something like that? No, no, no. He just like was there too late one night. They probably locked up. The guy fell down the stairs quietly. No one knew he was there.

No one knew he was there. Yeah. And then your mom goes in to clean the house. Goes in to clean it like eight, nine a.m. the next morning and she opens up the door and she goes, oh, whoa, I'm gonna go home and call the cops. Oh, shit. I would have never stepped foot back.

Do you remember, do you remember when she, do you remember this incident? I remember when she came home and she was upset about it. Yeah, I was pretty young. I mean, but it was definitely something I logged in the memory. You're nagging her about sugar cereal or something like that. She just saw a fucking corpse. Yeah, I'm like, anyway, we're at a lucky charm.

She's sitting there with a fucking Marlboro like 4,000. Fucking contemplating life. Yeah, yeah, she's, I mean, my parents smoked heavily, heavily. Yeah, a lot of people did back then, man. That was just the way. Even non-smokers smoked at parties and barbecues. Yeah, no shit. Give me one of them.

Oh, yeah. I mean, the stress level in my house, with my dad working for the railroad and my mom trying to raise us, we were very close in age. My sister was two years older than me. My younger sister was a year and a half younger than me. That's Irish right there. Irish triplets.

That's out. I can only imagine. I have three children now. I have a 15-year-old stepdaughter, a nine-year-old son, and a four-year-old son. If they were closer in age and all doing the same shit all the time, I don't know. I don't know what, you know,

I can't imagine what it would be like. You were losing, yeah. Parents were just fucking built different back then, man. They really were. I don't know. I think it was bad for them. Oh, yeah. I don't fucking know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think? They just kept their head down and fucking went and found that body. She's finding dead bodies to work. They just smoked butts all day long. Just ripped heaters. Yeah, my wife was, when we had our third son,

she's like, I think I could use some help. Like, I would like some sort of a nanny or something. I was like, get out of here. No one in my family's ever had a goddamn nanny. My mom raised us all alone and she did fine. And then my next thought was like, maybe she didn't. Maybe we should get you some help. And then we got some help and it was like, really helpful.

Sure, of course. That's pretty classy right there, I'll tell you that. But we'll get into that. We'll get into that in a little bit. Yeah. I want to know more about the ranch house. Now, this basement you're talking about, was it finished? Not for a while.

Not for a long time. Was there a sliding glass door that went outside from that basement? No, there was a window like this. Was there a door? Or was it open stairway from the first floor down? Or was it like a separate? No, it was an open stairway that we've all fell down.

Yeah, of course, yeah, I fell down. I was born in a ranch house and I took a fucking header down that thing, fucking almost once a week. And it was the kind of stairs where you couldn't just roll down it, but you could fall off the side because it was open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like so the people who finished the cement

could get out. That wasn't for like to live in, you know what I mean? They just made wooden stairs so they could get out. Yeah, bad news. Garage? Garage was converted into a den for us. So there was also a step that everyone spilled off of all the time.

Wait, hold on, I gotta picture this. So you have a ranch house and the garage was built onto the house? Yeah, it was part of the house. So you walk in the house. I've never seen that. That's real trash. I've seen it and then you close it up, right?

Like you didn't keep the big garage door there. No, no, no, yeah, it was, it was bricked up. It was like part of the house. Okay, all right. Yeah, converted into a den. Converted into a den. Den's are big out. Now, when did that happen?

Was that as far as back as you can remember? I don't remember that. Okay, so they did that. They did some good work to the house. They put an extension on the house, give my sister a new. Are they still in that house? They are, yeah.

Really? Yeah. Damn, keeping it old school. Yeah, they stick around, man. They're still there. I mean, the house is the same pretty much. They've done some work interior-wise to it. The outside is the exact same.

I mean, it's a red brick. It's crazy. How's the lawn looking? Solid. They keep it tight? Yeah, they keep it pretty good. Your dad kept it tight? My dad, I mean, he was, he also as,

in addition to being a Long Island railroad engineer, worked for a landscaping company. Okay. My dad was a hard, hard, hard worker. Yeah, man. But he retired at age 51. He's been chilling ever since. Well, nice.

Good pennies at the Long Island railroad. Oh yeah, real good, especially in that time period. Yeah. You signed on in the 70s. That was the golden era of pennies, dude. They were just giving shit out. Oh yeah, you moved to train, you got paid for a month. Yeah, okay.

They were giving all those loans out to Vegas. Yeah. Fucking money was rolling in. That's fucking wild. Okay. What was the vacation like growing up? Yeah, where'd you guys go? Montauk.

That's nice though, Montauk's nice. Montauk's nice. Very shitty, they're not shitty, but there is the affordable version of Montauk. So we would go to a hotel called the Royal Atlantic. We did it, I'll say my parents did it nice. My parents with my aunts on my mom's side, cousins from Michigan and my friends of my mothers

would all come in and we would get four or five rooms in a row on the beach. Okay. And the day we would check out, they would book it for the next year. So we would go every year and it became a really, really solid tradition. We did it for probably 10 or 11 years.

That's a good gig. Great memories there. Great memories instilled so far deep in my DNA that like if I go out there for fishing, which I'll do like a charter with a friend of mine, he'll have a spot and I'll just jump on. I still have to go to Fudge and Stuff just to like take pictures and send to my cousins

in Michigan who are 50 years old. And they still go, oh man, remember. Those good old days, man. Yeah, it's very much the same. Montauk has been well preserved. And the Royal Atlantic as far as hotels go out there is about as good as it gets. It's central, very centrally located.

The rooms are, you know, beach rooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Royal Atlantic has a pretty nice ring to it. I gotta tell you that. Yeah, but I mean, but right across the street, you have the Ronjo, which has the thing from Greg Brady's necklace when he's in Hawaii and he gets crushed by the waves huge out front, you know?

There's all the big swing of accommodations out there. I got you. Fucking neon lights everywhere. All right. Vacations. What was the high school mascot? Yeah, it was the high school mascot. Comac Cougars.

Comac Cougars. All right, it's very like, you know. Middle of the road. Yeah, very 80s middle. That sounds like it could be out of an 80s teen movie. When did you start working as a kid? The first job I had was when I was 14 and I got fired from it after like three days.

Which was what? A bagel place. I worked at a bagel place and a friend of mine worked at a car wash next door and he came in. That's very Long Island, a bagel place next to the fucking car wash. And I go, yo, just take that you who. I said, just give me a car wash.

I was 14, I didn't even have a car. Then I can use, I can trade that car wash for something else and trade that. I was trying to trade a pin into a house. You fired was a fucking you who. Yeah, and this woman who I still have a little bit of a resentment against, but she's obviously there's something wrong with it.

She would say you see him over it. 45 years old working in a bagel place. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she was something was off with her. Probably shouldn't say her name. Yeah, I was 14 years old. What the fuck? But still you're the new guy.

Can't be trusted. You're coming in your third day. You're stealing, you're moving you. Who's out the back door for a car wash? Yeah, one you who can't be trusted. And I heard, I saw her pull the guy aside the owner and he pulls me into the back and he goes, and this was a pretty good lesson for me

cause I didn't really know how business worked. I just thought everything was free for you. You own the place. So he goes, I heard that he gave a friend of yours a drink for free. So you did steal from us. So I can't have you working here anymore. I was like, steal from you.

What do you mean? He's like, can't work here anymore. Right. So I went and got a job across the street. Grabbed a couple of you who's on the way out the door. Shaking them, throwing them. I got a job at Music Den across the street, which was a music store.

And that I kept for like a year. Now, is this, we talking, this is like a strip mall, right? This is like a long-own strip mall. This is a weird area of the town I'm talking about cause you got Jericho Turnpike, which splits into Vets Highway. And it's like a massive, and in the middle of that, you have a World War II gun that's like 10 feet high.

I know exactly what you're talking about. You have to, you go around it, right? It's huge. Yes. Like there, like, when I say across the street, I mean like 500 yards as the crow flies across the street. You know what I mean? Huge disparity, but I was still in the same area.

So I worked at Music Den, which I loved cause I'm a music fanatic. Okay. And I worked there for about a year. I've had 62 jobs in my life. Damn. I've had a lot of jobs. Okay, let's talk about bespoke posts, baby.

You mean box of awesome? Yeah, get a box of awesome, okay? You wanna take your summer adventures up to the next level? Do it with a flamethrower, huh? You want it? They got it, baby. They got cool stuff, man. They got drink mixers.

They got pocket knives. They got, they got cool guy stuff that you're gonna look cool when you whip it out. You wanna show up to the beach family? Okay, show up to the beach family in case you won't look cool. Boom, they'll take care of you. You're going camping.

Boom, they'll take care of you. Travel, boom, they take care of you. They sent us a bunch of stuff. We just got new stuff, new camping gear. I was gonna break it out. I was taking it out on our camping trip. I got a cool new knife. It's like the outsiders.

Shutting up, cutting up, kindling. To get started, just take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that per action.

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when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and under the code Garbage at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com. Code Garbage for 20% off your first box. Boxofawesome.com, go garbage doing. Now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. Guys, mental health is very important. If your car was broken, what would you do?

Would you just keep driving around? No, you would figure it out. If you have a flat tire, you'll fix it. If your roof is leaking, you'll take care of it. A lot of times you turn to a trained professional. When it comes to mental health, nothing is different. You need the help of a trained professional. A lot of times, and BetterHelp is here to help you.

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whatever it is, BetterHelp can assist you wherever you are at this point in your life. It's online therapy. It offers video, phone, and even live chat therapy sessions so you don't have to see anybody if you don't want to. I recommend you do, because it kinda helps. But if you're just getting your feet wet, just trying to figure it out,

start with just some text or something. Figure it out, start texting them, sliding those DMs of BetterHelp. It'll be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours, which I've said over and over again, it's very important. It's very hard to find somebody you call, you wait for them to call you back.

It's a whole issue. But BetterHelp solves that in under 48 hours. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash garbage. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage do it. So what was the weird, if you have to say, what was the weirdest one besides meme maker, I suppose?

The weirdest one? I mean, the one that throws everyone for a loop is that I worked as a dancer at Bar Mitzvahs for a long time. But that was a fucking great gig. Even in the suburbs of Philly, that was like, he's a dancer for Barry Rothstein. What does that exactly entail? I've never heard of this.

Really? Like a stripper? No, no, no, you get the crowd go. So like, you know, the production company, whoever's putting the DJ, whatever would go on and it would bring. All right, at this time, I'd like to welcome everybody to Todd's Bar Mitzvah and welcome to the dance floor.

We've got George with, you know, he's gonna do some, I was the only white guy in the tri-state area that could break dance. So I was in heavy demands. And I got paid really well for very little work. I mean, you go out and just get the party started. Yeah, you gotta think, there's a lot of introverted young teens

who are whatever day they go, they get the fucking party. There's always guys and girls. I would have hated you. I would have never gotten out there. You ever meet a 13 year old Jewish kid from Long Island? And not exactly. But the life of the party. No, no.

So we would get them going, but then we'd also dance with the old ladies. Okay. We'd go hang out and have, we'd be like ringers at a party. That's fucking wild. I don't ever remember that. And I worked for like eight or nine different companies

and I worked my way up. I mean, some of these companies, they would pay you good money for like a four hour party. Sure. You'd wear black on black because you'd sweat like an ass. And how old are you when you're doing this? I started when I was 18.

18. I did one last Saturday. Can't beat it, it's under the table, what do you want? Yeah, no, I started when I was 18. I was at a friend of mine's graduation party and I was ripping it up. I mean, just tearing up. I like the way you move.

Tearing up the deck. Some slime block comes up the after. Listen, the way you did the worm when everybody else was eating, blew my mind. Yeah. I wormed my way over to the buffet table. Can you do the robot like that every Saturday? Or is this just a fluke?

It's just a man of chevits in you. What's the deal? So I got a job with this company, Mikey Mike Productions. Yeah, you did. Small island thing ever. Mikey Mike Productions and limo-zine service. Yeah. And he got, some of these companies,

it's like Jay-Z started off as a drug dealer. Long Island is a complete other fucking world. Totally other world. I like how you're comparing Mikey Mike when Jay-Z started. That's the fucking truth. I don't know Mikey Mike, I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's no home, all right?

Listen, Jay-Z took an illegitimate business and turned it into an empire because he had a great business mind. CEO's mind, that marketing plan was me. 100%. You know what I'm saying? Just listen to that song on the way in. Mikey Mike, I'm not comparing him to Jay-Z.

Actually, he was kind of the worst, but he took it and made it into this massive business. Probably cleaned up out there. He started off with DJs, then he started hiring dancers, then he started hiring MCs, then he started hiring other talent, then he started renting furniture,

then he started buying lights, then he started buying other shit. And before he- They became huge productions. Furniture for a party, not like just like couches and shit, right? No, furniture for a party where you have- I get you a lazy boy if you need big.

We- Listen. Tank, hit him with the worm. I'm gonna pull in to pull out couches. Everyone on Long Island knows I was the first guy to bring a strobe light to a bar mitzvah. It gets crazy, you start.

I mean, before you know it, it's like when I was working for Tom Kaufman Productions, right? We did a bar mitzvah at the fucking- He also says Tom Kaufman, like we should know what that is. Well, no, some people may- Oh, TC, of course.

It's probably TK, what do you talk about? TKP, it's a funny name. Ours was Beach Street, Beach Street Productions. Really? That guy used to- Bobby Morgenstein or something, yo, he used to kill it. So we did a bar mitzvah at the Waldorf Astoria.

There you go. This bar mitzvah, how much do you think it cost? Dude, I- 200 grand, they're crazy. 2.4 million dollars. Jesus Christ! This bar mitzvah cost. Yeah, that's gonna be our next pager

on go get a bar mitzvah for the big man. Oh man, I love the guy. I was so jealous of those kids, that my Jewish friends, their parents would go all the fuck out. I never saw a dancer though. I mean, they would have, that's because we were incognito, you didn't know.

And it was also probably, it was past your time. Wait a minute, you were incognito? It wasn't- No, we wouldn't go out and dance in front of you and for you, you were probably just hanging out with your friends and we were getting the other people who were- Who were people like, who invited this guy?

Yeah, bro, but you were 13, you were probably in your own world, you know what I mean? You're fucking, you know, all Google ad over this fucking hunk doing the worm. What are you talking about? I'm about to slip off my chair right now, thinking about it.

I'm worried about who invited this guy. He's fucking the life of the party. I want him at the next party. You probably thought I was an uncle or something. I was gonna get his number. Hey Milstein, your cunt can really move. Hey, your jacked Irish cousin can really move, dude. He's a Jew?

On his mother's side, his mother's side. He got two slices of pizza at once, fucking shaking it up on a dance floor. Oh my God, that's- You gotta hide your crucifix, Nick. Yeah, that's the weirdest job I've ever had, I think. I don't know, I've had so many. Beautiful, so many.

Long Island is fucking something else. It's great. Were you allowed to eat in your room as a kid? Allowed. My parents paid attention. They may have known that I was fucking crushing subways in my bed at 10 p.m. every night. I ate in the middle of the night, every night.

Were you a fat kid? Oh yeah. Was that how, obviously, the turn to this? Yeah, it was made fun of and bullied to an extent, but I had this problem, and I still have this problem, just not to the extent that I did. When I started lifting weights, the summer before ninth grade,

something happened where my appetite just became voracious. The worst, there's three things that I've done in the middle of the night that I can't believe I've done. One of them is drink an entire bottle of maple syrup. That was what it was. Out of the bottle or a glass? Out of the bottle. He was doing shot glasses.

On the rocks, or what are you doing? Wait, why? Was that up, or what? I was eating peanut butter, so my grinch. That doesn't make it better, dude. You should have said waffles. I was having a salad, and... Wait, how old are you when this happens?

15. You're 15 years old. 15. You're a bigger kid. I'm 240. Okay. Hatchy. You're eating peanut butter in your room

in the middle of the night? No, in the kitchen. You're in the kitchen, just eating peanut butter. So my... Chunky or creamy? Creamy. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

All right. I'm not a total derp. So my mother's, my mother's father, my grandfather, taught us this snack, which don't even bother trying it, because it will ruin your fucking life. Okay. But I'm gonna tell you what it is,

but don't do it, because I'm telling you it's gonna cause major problems in your life. So you mix together syrup and peanut butter, and you eat it on salty and crackers. Okay. Maple syrup and peanut butter. Okay. It's like...

Salty and sweet. Yeah. But something else too, something else happens. God intervenes and creates this, but I can't even describe it. So anyway, I had this in my brain since I was a kid. So I would mix peanut butter and maple syrup whenever I could.

So I just was eating peanut butter, making sandwiches, putting syrup on the fucking sandwich, closing it, taking a bite of the sandwich, squeezing syrup in my mouth, crunching it all around. I can see how you got there now. I didn't drink it straight. It was like, oh my God, I squeezed it and it went like the ketchup.

Sure. And I was like, oh my God, it's over. It's done. I fucking finished a whole bottle of maple syrup. Damn. So that was the first one that was really like, I have a problem. The second one was when,

because I'm like grayed out. I'm half asleep, half awake when I do this stuff. Okay. The second one was when I was living alone for the first time, I was 25 years old, and I don't know, I must have thought I was making oatmeal or something in the middle of the night. I put a jar of peanut butter in the microwave.

Put my dick in there. Put it on and then drank it and almost killed myself with the oil, hot oil going down my throat. Yeah, it was like, I mean, lava in my throat. What the fuck? I mean, I almost, I legitimately thought, okay, this is it for me, you know? It wasn't a ton.

It was maybe like three, four tablespoons or whatever, but it was enough to like coat my throat, go into my stomach. I was like, oh my God, I almost woke my roommate up and told him like, just watch me for the next 15 minutes because I think I might be, I might be dying right now. I microwaved it for like a minute. That's a long time.

It's a while. If you see me grab a jar of jelly, knock me out. Call the cops. And then the third thing is I got into quest bars and peanut butter and Coke Zero for a while in the middle of the night. Dude, quest bars, peanut butter and Coke Zero. I had a big power bar fucking phase

where I liked them more than regular candy bars because of the chew in them. Yeah, there's a lot. There's a mouthfeel situation. Man, it's fucking. It's like, it's kind of, it's got a jerky feel to it. It's a challenge. It's really tough to get through some of them.

Yeah, I fucking, dude, I used to, we used to get the whole box of them. My mom would get them. Which, which, the actual power bar? Power bar chocolate. Peanut butter. Oh, chocolate? Yeah, I would talk.

I'd like the peanut butter too, but just unwrapping those, those chocolate ones and like mending them up. It's like taffy. Dude, like literally like fucking taffy. Yeah. I prefer a long time. I preferred it over a candy bar.

Of course. And I'd probably be like, what the fuck, you need to have a box of them? Your jaw starts hurting. Oh, dude. You're not even rock climbing today. I'm not. I put powder on my hands when I ate them.

Got carabiners all over you. Yeah, I wasn't working out at all. But God did. What do you need all this power for? So you got into Coke Zero. So yeah, one night I, for some reason took the knife, took a giant thing of peanut butter,

like a mound. Are you fat at this point at 25? Or are you? No, I'm just, you know, this is me making up for the, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I am the fat kid that is still there from when I was a kid.

I'm a fat kid when I wake up. So I eat as well as I can during the day and then at night I'm like, mom's not here. It's when the monster comes out. You know? Yeah. So the middle of the night.

Do you still do this? Is this still happening sometimes? And then not to the extent. Right. But sometimes you just wake in the middle of the night, starving, you go into the kitchen and look out. Starving. But one night I took a peanut butter jar, spread it.

I spread the peanut butter for some reason on the can of Coke Zero. And then, This guy's bonkers. And then wiped it off with the quest bar, ate it, and then threw the can of Coke Zero on the counter and went back to bed. And my wife woke up.

This was like five or six years ago. She woke up and she was like, like I don't drink, right? But if I did, I imagine this is what it would be like the next morning after a blackout. Sure. She was like legitimately upset.

Thinking that you drank. No, no, she was like. Something happened. What's going on here? She goes, what happened last night? You're a little high strung. She goes, what happened last night? I go, what do you mean?

She goes, I woke up and there was a Coke Zero can covered in peanut butter, stuck to the counter. And I was like, oh yeah, I do remember that kind of. I don't know why I did that though. She's like, this has got to stop. That's wild.

It was like a moment for us. Yeah. It was a real, she was upset with me. Yeah. I get it. But that's not me. I'm not that person. I wanted to say to her like that's not,

when I wake up, that's a different. I mean, that's really who you are. I want to say somebody broke in and did some weird shit. Yeah. I should have. I don't know. I wasn't thinking. Holy fuck.

Cloudy from the Coke Zero. All right. Holy shit. That's our thing or whatever it is. Let's get into some AYG questions. Yeah. Let's do some cues here. Let's fucking get into it.

I think you've given us enough backstory. AYG. I mean, you're going to need a lot to pull you out of what you already laid. No, we're kidding. I love the Zippo's very nice. Yeah. I appreciate it.

Thank you. I was going to get you one with like something real trashy on it, like a deck of cards or something. Harley-Davidson. Yeah. No, there was like a poker, it's like a poker thing. But I figured keep it clean, keep it simple. That's beautiful.

It's beautiful. I don't know how it's going to help you with the Coke Zero can. Yeah. But we're going to see. Were you a crystallite family growing up? We did do crystallite. We did crystallite.

What would you have at dinner? So there's one, this may explain the Coke Zero thing. There's one night in particular, I remember waking up from a nap and having a plate of spaghetti and a can. You look like a fucking werewolf. What the fuck? What the fuck?

There's mayonnaise in my hair. He's like waking up in the middle of the night terrorizing the town of Jericho. One night I woke up. I went to bed with six feet of bubble tape in my mouth. Remember the bubble tape? Yeah. I took the whole thing in my mouth.

I'm sure there was, I don't think there was six feet. It was three feet. There was no six feet. No, three. Bro. Might be six. Six feet of bubble tape for you. Not them.

I remember the commercial. So. Took that to heart. Get away from my bubble tea. So I put it all in my mouth one night over the course of two hours of watching TV, then fell asleep with it in my mouth. You're like a toddler.

And woke up with it in my head, in my hair. And my parents had to shave my head at like 3 AM one night. Never grew back. Yeah. Oh, dang. Wait, they did it in the middle of the night? At like 3 AM, they were dying. My parents, like I had a purple helmet on

with like hair sticking through the gum. Oh, it was the purple bubble tape too? Grape, yeah. All right man, that water's back here. Yeah. That gets the jails going. That shit was awesome. Oh man, the first seven bites that sucked.

But it got around to it. Bubble tape hit the scene like a fucking wrecking ball, man. Fucking big league chew. See ya. Bubble tapes, yeah. Yeah, no shit. I was an athlete, so I was a big league chew guy. I was a fucking clean up hitter, so.

I was an athlete on and off to field. Big league chew had so much sugar in it that for the first couple of chews, it was like, it was like too, you chewed too fast. It really took a lot of tighten up. Yeah, it was soft. Yeah, it was like, yeah. It wasn't gum, you had to get it to the gum consistency.

Yeah, it was wild, man. Oh my god, what the fuck. Oh wait, so the spaghetti, the Coke, and I remember taking a sip of the Coke and it was like ecstasy. I've been chasing that high ever since. 100%, yeah. So you were, was it regular Coke or was it diet?

That was Coca-Cola. Okay, so your parents would give you soda with dinner. Yeah. And if you went out to dinner with your family, would you be allowed more than one soda? Or was it one soda and that's it? You know what, I don't remember ever going out to dinner with my family.

Just on the spot thinking about it, I don't remember ever doing that. Did Brandy serve food? The bar? I don't think so. Man. We went to like Long Island Railroad dinner dances and shit.

What the fuck is that? It's a dinner and a dance, bro. For those little employees? Yeah, yeah, they have employees in their family. I mean, you said it like I got invited to. They'd have events and like, you know what I mean? But I bet you the food at those things was probably fucking pop shelf.

All fucking sternos and stuff going. Meatballs, mashed potatoes. Swedish meatballs. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. But going out later on with my family, after I was of drinking age, before I got sober, I do remember drinking quite a bit. And nobody ever said, hey, don't drink it.

Like my mom would say, hey, have two. I'd be like, I already had eight. What are you talking about? You know? Same with our family. It's like, how much you can drink? Like there's. Yeah, there was no limit on drinking

because it was like, hey, the more you drink, the more I can drink, fuck. Put them away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Making me look good. Hey gang, let's talk about Helix mattresses, baby. The best in the biz. I sleep on one every goddamn night of my life

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it's time to get a new mattress. And Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash garbage with Helix. Better sleep starts now, do it. Have you ever taken a bath in a hotel? Yes. Oh, dude.

I have. Doesn't matter. Is that trash? A bath in a hotel? If it's like the Waldorf or something like that and you're in the Jacuzzi cup. Was it the Waldorf? Was it after the Glickstein's fucking Bar Bar Mitzvah?

No, but you know what? I got invited down to the Soho Beach House in Miami to go speak there. And they had a bath and my wife was staying downstairs. I can only handle like an hour and a half of sun, two hours of sun, max. And there was a bath there. And for some reason I was like Kevin in home alone

and I put so much soap in it. This was like three years ago by the way. Was this because you were sunburned? Was this like medicinal? Or you're like, I'm just having a day. I'm gonna fucking roll a nice bath. I would never do this in my house because I don't feel like cleaning up or so.

Or I don't have bubble bath in my house. But yeah, I went, I mean, there was, the bubbles were three, four feet tall. I mean, it was comical. Was this at night or during the day? During the day. That's weird. Yeah, it was weird.

Yeah, you taking a bath there. As a guy who likes a nice bath, a bath during the day, he's upside down. If I was your wife, I would have more questions about that than the fucking, oh, I don't butter can. You take the bath and it goes to lunch. No, I made sure it was done by the time she got home.

If I got caught doing that, I would have been embarrassed. Dude, a bath is to wash the day away. You let it all get off of you, you're relaxed. Holy shit. That's fucking. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's like taking a sleeping pill. You were at lunch time.

I apologize. Have you ever had a hot dog and a hamburger roll? Oh, yeah, I've had a hot dog on white bread. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm from Coma. Have you ever had a hamburger and a hot dog roll? Have I had a, chop it in half? That's a good time.

I'm sure. My dad used to eat hamburgers on English muffins, which I did for a while. That's real classy. Breakfast burgers. That's real classy. Yeah. I don't know if it's real classy.

It is, because all the nice Irish joints on the Upper East side, when I was banging up there back in the early 2000s. That's Nazi moron, by the way. The nicer Irish places on the Upper East side. They all did fucking burgers on English muffins, and I always thought that was real classy. It's an interesting combo. Because I couldn't afford Martin's potato rolls.

Yeah. Can you name any of the boats on Deadliest Catch? No. Did you keep your butter on the counter as a kid? We kept it out of the fridge, man. Yeah, you did. Yeah, I mean, we would go through a stick a day. We were all fat, you know?

We kind of got a butter on us, came to soda. I can't be waiting for it to fucking thaw out. No, as a matter of fact, if we went through a stick and the butter had to come out of the fridge, it was like a problem. We would be pissed, and we'd microwave it. And then it would be like liquid. And we'd scrape it off the top, and then it

would be like a canoe butter, you know what I mean? It's a real delicate to fucking. The timing of trying to defrost butter in the microwave is a fucking science. Eight and a half seconds. Maybe, yeah. Same thing as a quest bar. Yeah, wait, you put those in the microwave?

Oh, yeah. This guy's crazy. Yeah, he's talking about taking beds in the middle of the day in Miami. What are you talking about, dude? This guy's not fucking sane. You were any member of your family ever a lifeguard? No, but I did work at the town pool in Huntington

as a ticket taker. OK, which was. A ticket taker's OK. Yeah. You know you're Uber raiding. I know it roundabout. Solid? It's pretty good, it's like 4.9 something.

But I don't take a ton of Ubers, so. Drive or lift? I drive. I drive. Where you live at now? Where's the point? South of the island. Smithtown.

You're so OK, so you're out on the island. Suffolk County. OK. Shout out to Smithtown Water. That's a deep cut. Smithtown's really nice. You know about that? No, I just know it's from Chrissy D and Yanni always

talking about it. That's from my episode. Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah. I skipped that one. Just kidding. Smithtown Water Department. OK, look at that, all right.

I was educating them on the difference between waters. And then I said, you know, there's probably one person watching all of Smithtown Water right now. And either Chrissy or Yanni, it goes, I don't think we've ever had somebody on the podcast give a shout out to the Smithtown Water Department. Shout out to Vinnie over there. I wanted to do this podcast, A, because I love you guys.

Thank you, buddy. I love the podcast. I love comedy so much. It's been my favorite. Comedy and music are my two favorite things since I was five, six years old. But also because I think that what you guys do is so fun, finding out if people are garbage.

And I wanted to know from the experts, because I do some things that are class. But I also have had a whole. I'm still waiting to hear what we have in here. We haven't heard one yet. You got about 20 minutes left, so you better start making a case for yourself. Well, I brought you gifts.

But I've had a. Nicorette gum and beer. And I'm pretty sure you sleep, man. You tried to pay us off. And a board game, you have an ownership, man. But I've had a whole. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a Venmo request for later. Maybe I am garbage.

What? Are you kidding me? Talking about growing up on the turnpike. And what does that have to do with the water? What are you talking about? If I go to your house right now, what kind of water? And I ask for a water. What do I get?

Tap. But I have a whole house filter on, which is alkaline water. I'll give you that. To the whole house. That's pretty class. We shower in fucking Fiji, level one. You know what I mean? We shower in aquafina at my place.

Shout out to PepsiCo, huh? Taking a bath in club soda. That's great. Fits out of the gun from Brandy's. You die. We're going to get into now a little bit. I would assume that you're doing something. You're doing very well, obviously.

OK, great point. I grew up trash, of course. It's still in you, dude. I don't know why. I don't think you can get all the house fucking filters you want. There's no way. Now I'm sweating. I bet that wasn't cheap, though, getting that water system

hooked up at the house. No. Did you build a house or buy an old house? No, we bought a house. Yeah, I'm not. I don't have the patience to go through that process. I can't do that. Ever seen a fight in a waffle house?

No, I never been to a waffle house. Have you been in a brawl? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Where at? I'm not a big fighter, to be honest with you. But I did get into a fight out.

You don't come out of fucking Long Island without ever getting in a fucking scrum, you know? Yeah, I got into a fight outside of a deli once in my senior year of high school. Ran out of Capicola. We fucking lost it. It's a rite of passage. You wonder, that was your graduation project.

Go toon soloing up in a parking lot of a sieve. There was a fight between Comac and Northport the night before at a basketball game. Nice. And I reckon. Cross town rivalry. Yeah, Comac and Northport had a big rivalry for some reason. I guess because stupid high school shit.

They're bad. Yeah, Northport was worse. But I have to say that, legally. Each team was like three in 10. Yeah, it was terrible. Still fighting. But I recognized the car from the fight the night before. What was it?

Do you remember what kind of car? Yeah, it was a Mustang with rims on it. Yeah, it was. Yeah. It wasn't a beamer. Wasn't a minivan. And I felt I was in this pizza place and 20 kids walked in. And I'm very stupid for not putting two and two together.

But I saw these kids walk in and they were looking around. And I was like, oh, these kids are looking for trouble. I just instinctively knew it. And then I walked outside. And I saw the car from the night before. And I said to my friends, yo, that's the car from the night before. And it did not occur to me at all that those 20 kids

might be with that car. So we waited by the car. And then all of a sudden, the 20 kids come out. And it's just me and two of my friends. You saw this thing, man. And I said, is this percentile? It's 5-0. What's the deal?

And I still started a fight with him. Nice. And this is like so unlike me because usually I'll try and talk or reason or just like, break the inch your way out of it. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Fucking hit him with that. See this?

People like that. He's spinning on your head, kicking nine guys in the face. Yeah, real Zoolander shit. Zoolander hadn't come out yet. I didn't know that was an option. So I'm 240 in high school. Shaved head. Look crazy, right?

So I go, hey. Maple syrup. I go, whose car is this? Yeah, I smelled like a tree. I go, whose car is this? And he goes, it's mine. Why? I go, you were at the Comac High School

game basketball game last night. And he goes, yeah, I go something, something. And then he's like, hey, this isn't your problem. We know who we're looking for. It's not you. And he goes and he goes, tell your friend to come back here tomorrow at 12 30. And I, for some reason, I look at all of them and I go,

you're all fucking dead like that. So unlike me. Real movie line. And then one kid comes up and goes, some guy pops out, meatball, meatball, something ready. Now, as soon as I finished this sandwich, some guy who was about my size goes, let's fucking go right

now. So we started fighting. And then another kid jumped on top of me. Then my friend took him off. And then it was probably like five on two for a little while. But then everyone, I mean, fights are so fast. Yeah. I got so tired.

It felt like I was fighting for like eight hours. An eight second fight will put me on the bench. This fight went on for like two minutes. Yeah, that's crazy. It was too long. Yeah, that's an eternity. I threw up. It was a nightmare.

Yeah. So in the second round, I thought I had one. Yeah, you know that pizza in you. You don't fight after the slices. Three slices of Sicilian in there. Yeah, it was a special. I had two specials. It was a nightmare.

God. So that's my big fight. That's beautiful, man. Have you ever worn a hoodie with a thumb sleeve or a thumb hole? No. OK. Anybody in your family ever see the UFO claim to see the UFO like how they wouldn't even

tell them that they did. Do you open your eyes under water? This guy. All right. Was there an extended period of time when you walked around with a gallon jug of water? Oh, yeah. I was.

I didn't walk in with one today. That's real meathead shit. I mean, I think I started that. I was doing that in 1998. I used to drink two, three gallons of water a day. That's how I lost all my weight in my senior year. I lost like 60 pounds. I was fucking.

I saw Anna Nicole Smith on TV when she lost all her weight. She was probably also doing cocaine. But the interview she gave. She was big on FinFan or whatever it was, wasn't she? Yeah. The interview she gave, this is why I remember it. Because she goes, they go, how did you lose all the weight? And she goes, oh, I just drank so much water.

And when I couldn't drink any more water, I just hold my nose. And I remember thinking, water doesn't have any smell. Why are you holding your nose? But then I just drank more water. And I looked at my dad. I'm like, does water make you lose weight? And he goes, if you drink enough of it, yeah, it fills you up.

It hydrates you. And it's the best thing you can do. And I drank like four glasses of water that night. And then I drank a gallon of water a day for the next two years. That's awesome. Yeah. Anyone in your family refer to the bathroom

as the John, the commode, or the Lou? No, but I think the commode is probably the worst of those three. Makes my fucking skin crawl. Have you any member of your family ever been injured in an amusement park? No. I don't think so.

You said you're big drive. I assume you have an easy pass in the car? Oh, yeah. Is it mounted, or do you have to hold it? It's mounted, but I will hold it if need be. I'm a holder guy myself. I'm looking for it every time we're coming up to the fucking toll booth.

In my wife's car, she doesn't have the mount. So every time we approach, it's a fire drill. But it'll pick it up in the car. Anywhere in the car, it'll pick it up. I know, it doesn't matter. It'll still panic. I know, me too. Let me ask you this.

I got a lot. Mine's propped up behind the dashboard screen. And any time I take a hard turn or I get on a highway. I think it goes out the window, you fucking idiot. You're filling out forms at the fucking turnpike station. Let me ask you this. So you have your own home. Let's say your trash cans are out front.

Somebody walks by and throws something in your trash can. How do you feel about that? Go for it. You're OK with that. That's a big problem in my head. Really? I don't even like doing it to other people, because I know I would not like that.

But see, I think it's. Are the trash cans empty, or are the trash cans full? Whatever. No, because if they're empty, now I have to take your trash into my garage. If the trash, if they already came to pick up the trash. OK, I understand. Yeah, I understand.

And then someone throws trash into my empty trash can. But would you rather just throw it on the front lawn? I'd rather you fucking find a proper disposal receptacle for it. Hold it. Yeah, I think that is. So now I'm taking your trash into my garage. That's no.

What? Tank? I don't believe in this guy. What are you nuts? This guy's suspect. Well, I'll tell you what, I just probably don't want to throw it in my trash can. In my old house, I had a tree that the one that we moved out

of, I had a tree that kind of. Kept on my trash. Kind of went over, like, dropped the leaves on my neighbor's property. Sure, that's a fucking act of war in the suburbs. And he was nuts. He was a retired police officer, unmarried, no girlfriend, no kids, no nothing.

He would just meticulously manicure his property all day long. And it was a small property. OK. Like every blade of grass was the perfect length, like not a nothing out of sight. Gotcha. At a line. So the tree was a problem.

So he used to rake his leaves every day. And he would take, in his mind, whatever he thought fell from my tree and put the bag on my property. To say you take care of this. Yeah, it was in a bag. It wasn't like he would just throw it, but it was still odd. Right? And I remember saying to my wife, I'm like,

yo, this guy puts his version of whatever fell off our tree onto our property in a bag. Isn't that weird? So I did say to her one time, I said, listen, on a scale of one to 10, how much does the presence of the bag bother you? The actual bag itself, devoid of the context. She goes, I don't know, two.

I said, yeah, but how much does it bother you that he thinks it's OK to do that? She's like, oh, 10. I'm like, yeah, it's a 10 for me, too. All right. So then I decided I was going to say something to him. And then I was like, what's the best case scenario? I make the guy feel bad and weird.

And then I have to have that thing over us. And then he wound up moving. So God helped me. You really got to pick and choose, but I want to cut the tree down. I did. Yeah. What was the huge tree anyway?

Yeah. But he was out there blowing the shavings away while they were cutting the tree down. That was out of his mind. What a psycho. Yeah. What a psycho. Let's see.

Will you use a refillable water bottle station at the airport? I don't think so. Are you flying first class usually? Now I am, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. OK.

Take your shoes off on the plane. This guy runs Instagram. What are you talking about? Are you fucking asshole? Fucking nuts. My mom knows you. That's fucking crap. You ever fly stand by?

Yeah. Does Aunt Tutty know I'm here or not? Yeah. She's upstairs working on memes. Do I take my shoes off? No. I don't even take my shoes off at home. I like my feet covered.

Wow. Wait a minute. Hold on. Really? You're walking the house. You're leaving today. You get back to the house. Yeah.

You don't take your shoes off. Walk right in with the shoes on? Walk right in with the shoes on. I'll nap in my bed with these shoes on. What? You lay down in your bed? I under the cover? No.

No, no, no, no, no. I had to check with you. I don't know. Even still, even still, man. Your wife doesn't freak out. Time to get it. No. That you're in the bed with shoes on?

I don't always. It's not a practice, but I don't believe. There's no line for me between inside, outside. It's all the same shit. We cannot live together. There is distinct line in my head. That's a first. I have indoor clothes and outdoor clothes.

Does your wife do that? No, she's like a barefoot person. You have inside clothes and outside clothes? Sure. Yeah, there was a girl that I worked with that used to talk about. If I'm out all day in New York City and then I go home, I'm not sitting on my couch in the clothes I wore for 10 hours. Why are you leaning against buildings all day?

Yes. I mean, it's mostly a practice of when I was taking the subway all the time. No, I got a couple of bucks. I think you're both crazy, to be honest with you. Well, you wear the same clothes every day. So what are you going to say? Put sleep in bed with your shoes on.

Oh, that's wise. I understand I'm on the other end of it. Like, I don't do it all the time, but I have a thing in my head that I believe that a nap is not a nap unless you are wearing the clothes that you've been wearing all day and you have pants and shoes on. Otherwise, you just went to bed at a weird time. Man, that's a real weird lie.

Like, my wife naps under the covers. I kind of back it. Yeah. You're also nuts. No, you can take a nap under the covers. No, you can't. You just went to bed at a weird time. No, yeah, that's a nap.

A nap is going to bed. Is there a gas leak in here or something? Everybody's going crazy. No, I fuck with it heavy, dude. A nap isn't a nap unless you got jeans on, dude. I imagine the bedding is real nice. You got the king-size mattress, I would assume. A home-line large.

Don't be like that one. Crazy. This guy's sleeping in Timberlands and I'm nuts. Wait till you sleep with that weighted mask on, dude. That's crazy. I like that. You feel that thing on your eyelids. Oh, it's great.

Do you sleep? You use one? Oh, yeah. You do. My wife has one, and I'll use it when I take a nap. I guess that's way against you're taking it. Do you put a sleep mask on to take a nap? No.

This guy doesn't like joy or being comfortable. This is nuts. You have a love comfort. You have a ceiling fan over the bed? Oh, shoes. Yes, you do. Bro, I mean. Are all the light bulbs in it?

Are they all working? I don't know if this one doesn't even have light bulbs. Got a remote? No, a switch. OK. But I saw this video on TikTok of, have you guys seen Interstellar? No.

You have seen Interstellar? The Matthew McConaughey movie? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Christopher Nolan, right? Oh, it's my second favorite movie of all time. Great movie. First, obviously, is I Heart Huckabees.

But there's a scene where. Smooth Bob, move fast now. We don't have time. And David O'Russell makes a fine film. Yeah. I Heart Huckabees is why. I'm trying to say the nutty professor. Why I can't do stand-up comedy.

But that's a whole other thing. I've tried stand-up. I can't do it. I can't tell the same joke over and over again. I feel like Jude Law in that movie when he throws up. But so there's a TikTok where this guy is, he's seeing himself put on a fan for the first time. And Matthew McConaughey is like, no, no.

And it's him leaving his daughter, like he's trying to get himself not to leave. I put a fan on six months ago. And my wife got up to leave early for work one day. Super early. And I was still sleeping as she turned the fan off. And I felt like I woke up in hell. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that's the worst. Waking up hot. Somebody kills the AC while you're sleeping or something like that. Oh, my god. I'm looking to kill somebody. I'd rather wake up I did today from it being too cold.

Like it was too cold. You got to be too cold. I know, but like the coldness woke me up because I only had a sheet. So I was like fucking proper freezing. And I'd rather wake up like that than wake up sweating. The air's got to be moving. Yeah, you're also sleeping in a North Face.

It's probably pretty hot too. Today I'm in my parka, you know. Take the skulltamp off. You'll be all right. No, I understand. I can't sleep in stagnant air. Yeah, it's got to be moving around. Even if I'm covered.

I mean, I'm covered by the blanket. I got to feel something on my face. The cold is half the fun. Half. You get dressed in front of the dryer. No. You have a good dress proper upstairs, all that stuff? Yeah.

OK. Do you use scented trash bags? No, we have one of those. Compactors? Weird. No, it's a one of those. We have like our trash bags, our style cue. Simple human.

One of those things my wife got and I was like, oh, what is this? Now we're never going to be able to get trash bags. Like it's super. Oh, it's for that skin. Yeah, but I'll tell you what, dude. Class. Yeah?

Simple human. Big. It fits perfect around the rim of it. I mean, it's a. I imagine everything in the house now is very tight. You keep everything clean. You got nice stuff, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, but like I was saying, I've

had a hole in my wall for two months because my son was dinging around in an office chair. But we're going to get the house painted. So like we're going to, you know. It's OK. We're going to fix it. Yeah. It's OK.

Couple of things. You wash your fruit? No. Never. Blueberries all the time. Yeah. So I lied. I don't eat.

You really eat fruit. I was. I thought of an apple when you said that for some reason. I'm allergic to apples. I don't eat apples or banana. I'm peeling a banana. How do you feel about mayonnaise? I like it.

Man in Miracle Whip or Helmins? Helmins. Good man. Yeah, I don't. I've heard this question before. I don't think Miracle Whip is actual mayonnaise. Fucking garbage. Yeah, it's not.

Right? It's called it's like dressing or something. Yeah, it's a salad, salad spread or something. Bread. It's got a weird verbiage to it. When you get the express lane at a supermarket with too many items. Also, where are you shopping now?

What supermarket? We are an Instacart family, which I can't recommend enough. You tip the Instacart guy? Of course. That's probably all done on the thing. You don't hit them with cash, right? It's all done on the app. Yeah.

We have not gone food shopping in probably two and a half years. Really, it just shows up. Yeah. And you actually wind up saving money because you're not buying dumb shit walking around. Yeah, you're not in there just fucking impulse bars. And they bring it to you. Yeah, they bring it to you.

It's all logged in there. You bought this last time? Yeah, this is what we do. Yeah, he's going in reorder. He used to work for a guy. I had to do it for him. Where's the family vacations now? Where are you taking the kids?

We're going to California in a couple of weeks. They're all different. I do kind of wish we had a set thing. But we did go to California two years ago when I was on Ellen. I brought them out there. We stayed in Malibu. Nice. They loved it.

I mean, they love going anywhere. They just love us. And we love them. Wherever we go, it's a great thing. We're having a good time. Yeah. Have you ever worn a fedora? No.

I do. Do you ever try one of those jeff caps, like the little cabby hats? Yeah, I was just going to say. I will. Sometimes I know everyone makes fun of Rogan for wearing those. And he does look, you know, whatever. I mean, sometimes I feel like I look good

and sometimes I don't. I know. Sometimes I feel like I'm in shape. Sometimes I don't. It depends on how cold it is and how pale I am, what kind of jacket I'm wearing, you know? Anybody in your family, extended family, live near a cemetery?

I don't know. I don't think so. That's just my cousin just live right across from one in Briceburg and scared the shit out of him. I would not look out the fucking left side of the house. He'd be like, yeah, there's always parking right by the cemetery. I'm like, but of course there is.

I'm taking that Uber. Get the fuck out of here. Leaving my car to get fucking. You got magnets on the fridge? No, I don't even think our fridge will receive magnets. Was it cardboard? No. No, I like this one.

It's a steel fridge, but the side will take magnets. The front won't take magnets. It's like it won't let you be trashed. The thing is too nice. It won't even. Lassie, we got a Viking saw. What are you doing here? It's one of the three.

It's not a Viking. It's not a Sub-Zero. I know what it is. Yeah. I can't think of it, though. It's not a GE. No. No, it's one of those.

It came with the house. They were all matching. We have the double decker oven, the fridge. Got gas stove or fought like electric stove. But it's not coils, right? It's the glass ones that the whole thing lights up. Yeah, I actually like the electric. Ceramic.

Yeah. Yeah, OK. Not bad. Do you have a big thing of gum in your car? Oh, dude, I got so much gum. OK. So much. I ordered it from Amazon now.

That's wild. Who orders Amazon? I ordered so much gum from Amazon. I mean, I have a closet full of gum. Do you know the acronym BOGO? Yeah, buy one, get one. Do you eat anything? Everybody's going to pay less.

What the fuck? Do you eat fast food? Very, very rarely. If you did, what are you getting? Is Chipotle fast food? No, that's pretty classy. That's pretty good. You're talking about Taco Bell Burger King, Wendy's,

McDonald's, stuff like that. Big Macs out of maple syrup, you know what I mean? Yeah. McDonald's. Have you ever worn pants that zip into shorts? Yeah, I mean, I think I started another trend. Yeah, you definitely have had breakaway pants on before. Well, I worked at Abercrombie in 1999.

Right around that time, they made the documentary about it. You're not doing yourself any favors here, big guy. I wasn't the hot one, though. I wasn't like the kid with no shirt on, no shirt on in the front. I was like the seven out of 10 guy who was like, put him in the back. He's fine, but we're not. Don't put him out front.

He can work here, but. He's in charge of the socks. Yeah. Stick him back there. And they used to have these pants that zipped off. And I just zipped off the back half so my calves would show. And I went to Nassau Community College. And then two weeks later, everyone was fucking doing that.

It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I could peg you as like a Caprice guy, too, when they were big in the early 2000s. I tried it. It didn't work for me. So is that where you went to college? Was Nassau County community? I went to Nassau Community College.

Then I went to University of Maryland. And then I graduated from Farmingdale. Yeah, I got expelled from University of Maryland. It's pretty good, though. It's a good school. To get expelled from, yeah. Very good. I like how dirtbag you are.

Like, oh, you got in? Hey, man, yeah. You wear a turp, all right? As long as you can wear the sweatshirt. Who gives this shit? You know what I'm saying? Repping the collar. I know a couple of roads down there.

I only got, I think, I'd say I'm pretty good here. You open your eyes underwater. I want to fucking, that was good. Preferred chicken wing, the drum, or the flat? I don't eat wings. Really? Yeah, I don't want the bone that close to the meat ever in any situation.

Huh, that's interesting. And I eat a lot of meat. I mean, I eat chicken. You know those guys who walk around at the top of where just like grilled chicken? Yeah, I used to be. Not so much anymore. I can function without my meals.

You know what I mean? I do like my structure, but. What'd you have for breakfast this morning? I just ate a cliff bar on the way out of here. At the house. Usually it's oatmeal with peanut butter in it. OK. Cold or hot?

Hot, hot. Hot. Yeah. So you make it at the house. And then a monster energy. White monster, yeah. The white kind? Jesus.

It comes with a pair of white oak leaves. It's so good. I know what to tell you, he's fucking trashed. You might be the first one on this show to be 100% straight down the fucking line. Garbage. And I got to tell you, I'm fucking here for it. The best thing about it was you got into the University

of Maryland before you were kicked out. I mean, that's wild. That whole fucking tale is wild. Yeah. Which tale? Yours. All of them. What do you mean?

Really? I mean, I listen to a lot of episodes. I'm the trashiest person. But you're up there, man. You've checked all the boxes. Every box is trashed. Great. There's no decision of, well, maybe, whatever.

You're in the category of 100% trash. Yeah. You're a 1%er, I can tell you that. Yeah. You're a 1%er. I'm glad to be an elite something. But you are. Well, listen, bro, I fucking make memes for a living.

What did you think I was going to have come from? Harvard Law? You know Francis Ellis? Of course. Love him. He was on my podcast years ago. And my SATs I did OK on. What's OK?

I got an 1180. Not bad. But there was a box that you had to check in the forms that allowed the SAT board to send your scores out to different colleges. I didn't check the box because I was like, fuck you. Send him if you want. I don't give a shit.

I mean, I read the box. I read the question and everything. I just didn't fill out the box. I was like, they'll figure it out. I remember specifically thinking like they'll figure it out. I didn't give consent. So Francis was talking to me and I was on my podcast and he went to Yale?

Yale or Harvard, I can't remember. I believe he went to Yale. His family went to Harvard. He went to Yale or vice versa. And I told him that story. And he goes, oh, he goes, I sent my SAT scores out to all the colleges with my application. And I was like, yeah, I wouldn't know how to do that.

He goes, didn't you have an advisor at school? And I was like, yeah. And he fucking lost it. Who's the gym teacher? He's like, we came from such different backgrounds, dude. Like our upbringings could not have been more different. Your advisor was also the driving teacher. I was driving.

Who drove the driving teacher car full time as his fucking main mode of transportation? Listen, my parents were trying to keep us alive. And I was watching fucking literally MTV Raps, BET Late Night on Cut, stand a full frontal comedy with Damarara and Joe Rogan in 1992, 1993. And he was getting good advice from his parents about how to get into college.

I was eating six bagels for dinner with butter and American cheese melted on them. And he was getting fed vegetables, I'm sure, or something. Dude, on the same way. I mean, I was in college, and my dad was trying to convince me to get out and join the steam fitters union. He's like, what are you going to do,

work at an entry level position? Join a union. Yeah, get the test, join the union, get some fucking bannies. Yeah, I didn't have. There was no like, you could go on to be president, Yeah, we would we would get into arguments in the house, me and my sister.

And like, we wouldn't ever talk about what we argued about. One of us would just sneeze and someone would say, God bless you. And that's how we'd start talking again. Oh, of course. Yeah, that would break the ice. 100%. Thanks a lot, you ladies and gentlemen.

We fucking love you. Anything you want the folks out there to know? Walk away, anything, the game. Check out all this right here. Check out the game. I am trash. Yes, you are. And you've I mean, you know who he is.

You've seen his work. Of course, it's wild. You're fucking killing my buddy. So the game in 30 seconds. Just real quick, please. I think it's the best board game ever made objectively, obviously, because I have no attachment to it. It's based on financial.

It's based on the Instagram account influencers in the wild where the the content creators are the content. It's just a silly fucking account where we kind of have fun with the other angle of the content. On the game, if you want to turn it around, on the board, you travel around, you go to Bali, you go to Coachella, you go to Burning Man, whatever. That's a good time.

Yeah, you end up at the pink wall, which is the end in Los Angeles, which is the influencer Mecca. Of course. And along the way, you rack up followers instead of money. So if you land on a no Wi-Fi spot, you lose a turn. If not a data, come on, man, that's just fucking fun. And automatic loss of some old tweets resurface. So if you land on a blue spot, that's when the random cards are pulled.

You have rewards, penalties, challenges and questions. One of the penalties is a problematic tweet of yours from seven years ago is pulled up when you get canceled. Another penalty is your dad found your only fans lose 25,000 followers. Questions, rewards, penalties, challenges. It's a fucking blast. Yeah, really is as far as like now goes 2022. It's the game of life for people who are alive now.

Yeah, good time, good stuff. Tank, thank you so much for coming in, buddy. Thanks for having me. We absolutely love you. Kippy, what do you got for him? Check out one of the live shows. The tickets are moving very, very fast. Just got an update.

So act now. Don't wait, especially those shows in Philly, Rhode Island, Boston, Seattle, Portland, they're all going. So get those tickets. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week.