Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Teach Me Daddy w/ Chris Distefano & Matteo Lane!

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedians and podcast hosts Chris Distefano & Matteo Lane! You know Chrissy & Matteo from stand up comedy, Chrissy Chaos, I Never Liked You, Teach Me Daddy, Your Mom's House, The Joe Rogan Experience, Whiskey Ginger w/ Andrew Santino, Kill Tony, Soder Podcast, Bad Friends, and so much more! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG Live Show Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Chubbies: https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/garbage Promo Code: Garbage This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Tushy: https://hellotushy.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Calling the army of garbage the Route 66 tour is upon us. The bus is gassed up and ready to go We're heading straight down Route 66 Chicago to LA grab the squad come out and see us. We're filming the whole thing It's gonna be a good good time Yeah, it starts September 12th in Chicago at the Vic theater then September 13th st. Louis September 15th, Tulsa, Oklahoma September 16th, Oklahoma City September 18th Albuquerque, New Mexico September 16th, Oklahoma City, September 18th, Albuquerque, New Mexico, September 19th, Flagstaff, Arizona. Then we're going to Las Vegas, September 20th, ending September 21st, Los Angeles, California at the Palace Theatre. Get your tickets. Are you garbage dot com?

We'll see you there. See you in a rude. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.

This is R U Garbage. Oh yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. That is R.U. Garbage. Oh, yeah. So a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that have to go to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. So I'm your host, a truly coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition.

We're both a little under the weather. Sure. Me and Tootie were out getting after it last night. Yeah, I can tell. We're fucking wearing a hangover. He came in sweating. My co's is coming at you from right next to me is the CEO of are you garbage? She is an international businessman of my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody what up everybody thanks for tuning in as always

Please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube then obviously the greatest website of all time Patreon.com slash your garbage gang get over there. It's a gosh darn party and gang We couldn't be more excited to have two incredibly guests here today. They're back with us. We all loved them Everybody loves them. They're all over the place. You got Krista Stefano with the Chrissy chaos podcast and you have Matteo Lane with the podcast I never liked you and they teamed up for a limited series Teach me daddy two of the funniest two of the best give it up for the boys Yes, thank you. Thank you feel good. So you went out last night. I was out last night. Where'd you go? I was at the cellar. I had a couple of spots. We were all at the cellar

Did you see him at the cellar? No, I got there at like 1230 after I was rejected. He was drunk by there Oh my I should have been there at 1230. I'm a late night cat. What were you throwing back? Kilosotis nice, you know what I've been doing recently? Tequila grapefruit juice. So I hit the prostate at the same time. Tequila grapefruit juice. I'm telling you, try it out. And it's good for your prostate. Grapefruit.

It's a lot of acid. Oh no, pomegranate it is. Sorry. Pomegranate. Yeah. My bad. I meant Sprite. I apologize.

Yeah. That's good though. Tequila, tequila. I usually get the least amount of hangovers with tequila, but you're saying I'm not hungover My throat just gone. You might be getting the I had it two weeks ago. Didn't tell anyone just went out live my life But as I got damn American, well, it's one of those things where I'm saying to myself I don't have it. I whatever I have is just sick. You know, I got my friend is a doctor

He's like who cares just like it's you know, we got to live with this. And he's like, it's probably not even that. So I'm like, all right, it's no problem. It's not that we go out and with my family, we're hanging out, we're at a Hamptons house. We're going to a- Classy. Hamptons house is classy.

Here's the thing, classy, yes, but deck was falling apart and there was a dead squirrel on the property. So we paid for, I paid for three days, I stayed for one. So I... This was a vacay, this was you and the family. This is an Airbnb with me, the Jazz, the kids. We had a nice time, but we literally... Were you by the beach? No. We're in Sag Harbor, not far from the beach, but we get there, there's dead squirrels,

the pool, the pool is, you know, the pool is nice, but it's all shaded by the trees. So my family's saying the water's too cold. And then I'm starting to feel sick, sicker and sicker, and then I'm like, it's fine though. I don't have the big C. I don't have vid, it's just something else. I have allergies, that's what everyone's, allergies. That's the first denial.

That's the first line. I always say allergies. That's the allergy. And you hear first line of defense Yeah, like like enabling you because I think it's out. It's at my Terrible this time of year. Yeah, everybody has it then the headache comes. I'm like I'm like, I'm fully fine. There's no way I have anything. It's just allergies I'll take a bunch of clarity take advantage. We'll wake upryl, wake up. The next day we'll be fine. We'll have a full day in the Hamptons.

I wake up the next day, can't smell or taste anything. I say, here we go. It's a stomach virus. I said, take me to the hospital. I'm having a stroke. It's not COVID, I swear. Get that mask away from me. But then I got to be honest with you,

within not even a day, like six hours of the day it's like it just turned off like all everything I just came back and I was a hundred percent but I definitely feel like I had it sure I probably did residual fatigue for a week but he talks to you like he's a doctor yeah how long ago is this you're gonna get us all sick no this is two three weeks ago it was two weeks ago when you started this story now it it's two or three weeks ago. Actually, last time it was a week ago, because I was in P-Town. Where were you again? The Hamptons.

Yeah, but what was the neighbor? Like, you were at Sag Harbor? Yeah, because I call him and I said, oh, I'm in like, we were texting each other and I said, oh, I'm in like a really gay city called Provincetown. And he's like, well, you know know I'm in Sag Harbor right now and apparently uh you know back in the day this where the gays used to come so in a way I'm trying to bring it back you and I were like in the same place listen I'm actually thinking about it I'm surprised you weren't in B-town I'm thinking I've I'd love to be I'd think I'm thinking about it now today's Friday it was I think it was actually Monday of this week I know I still actively have co-vice

Today's Friday. It was I think it was actually Monday of this week. I know But hey whatever man, it's like, you know, if I have it and you had it for sure when I was in April I was started my Europe tour and I get to Manchester sick as a dog But I had gave myself two days to kind of adjust timewise I just sat in bed for two days and I swear three days. I was fine back up and running I've never had it. Never. I think he's got it right now. I might.

I might. It's just allergies. It's just that time of year. It's just the pollen. You've made it relative because I was holding on. The first time I got it was like late 2023. But you're holding on. I mean, it's late 2024 now.

Never had it. The only time I might have had it was in Ireland. Maybe. What were you feeling that you thought you had it? What are we talking about I didn't lose taste I didn't lose some out I didn't have a fever I would just have like a bad head cold. I had the original I got what I call cove with y2k I had it March of 2020 and it's so funny cuz gays we always get everything first cuz all my straight friends like oh my god It's coming and we were like, it's fine. You'll be okay. Yeah, we'll survive

Okay, well glad you came and got us all sick really appreciate that you Chrissy no problem One of the things we have been doing on the show since the last time you guys have been here is Which has become big is finding out if you're the notable alum on Wikipedia from your high school. Nice. What was your high school? Archbishop Malloy High School. Archbishop Malloy, New York, and Queens? Queens, Briarwood, baby, not for school, but for life.

What do you got, Luke? That's the motto. This is the first time it happened. I googled Christus F. O. High School, and it came up Archbishop Malloy. Wow! Whoa! So he was an athlete. It is. Oh yeah, he was a ball player.

Yes. I don't know if I'm on Notable Alumni. Go to Wikipedia. I didn't know that was a thing. Also, do you say Wikipedia or Wikipedia? I would say, you ready for this? I say Wikipedia, but weaky feet. That's the creeper.

From the freak stuff. I like it. Chris is an F&O comedian. This is a long list. I'm on Notable Alumni, though. For sure. Bang. Who else was on there?

A lot of NBA players. Chrissy running with the best of them. Moses Brown, Cole Anthony. Ray Romano went there. He didn't graduate, but he did go for two years. Really? Ray Romano went. He's a high school dropout?

Ray Romano's a high school dropout. No shit. No graduation day. Did you play with anybody that went to the NBA? Sonata Gaines went to the NBA Mike Baxter went to major leagues Who else was there we had I think in a swimmer a big-time swimmer Gilberto Val the cannibal cop In my homeroom baby no way that's notable alum That's great. Is he on there the cannibal cop?

You don't know that story. I remember that Fox series That was real shit right yeah, it was a James Spader in that yeah No, it was a he was a New York cop right from Queens Yeah, and he was getting his fetish was cat like killing a woman and then eating them Yes And he like got to the point where point where he drove down to Baltimore or something, tracked her down and was like, he had a girl in mind and then it all came out and he got caught. He's like, that's just a fetish.

I wasn't going to do it. I think the issue was he used the NYPD database to track women. He got arrested and convicted. I think he was in prison for life, but he's out now, he got overturned because it was, if you watch the documentary, it was like one of the first cases in US history that they were able to kind of say

this was just a thought crime. Yeah, they were calling it like the Thought Police. Yes, and he didn't actually do it. So he never really committed a crime. He never committed, well, the only crime he committed was using the NYPD database. So he was fired from the NYPD. But there actually wasn't a rule in our defined laws that say that he should be in prison.

Because it was like... Dude's just a freak. What do you want? Because it's like the thing is like, if I'm thinking of writing down, thinking of like making a bomb, but I never make the bomb, Am I a terrorist or it's a thought? Right. Like if they can find your manifesto. Exactly. Depends what you look like.

That's like Minority Report. Before you do it, they get you. Yeah. And he was your age? He was in my homeroom. We were all high school knuckleheads. Was he nice? Yeah, he was a nice kid.

He was a good baseball player. He kept licking me. Kid could hit a shot, bro. Kid had a nice arm. OK. Yeah. And then where did you go to high school? John Hersey High School in Arlington Heights, Illinois.

John Hersey High. Who was John Hersey? Do you know? Some faggot. I have no idea. Was that a Catholic school, too? No, public school. Catholic, my parents couldn't afford me.

You should be up there. You're very accomplished. Look at him searching. Look at his eyes squinting. Mateo Lane, American Comedian. Whoa! The boys! So on the Wikipedia of the high school, they put down like... The notable one.

Who else is on there? The son of Sam. Anyone of my time? Jeff Joniak, Chicago Bears broadcaster, Jim Michaels. Is this 2004 when I graduated? Nah, it doesn't give me that. You don not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not in my opera class. Matteo Lane, notable alumni. Notable American comedian. Oh, you guys are notable alumni in your schools? I am not, and it bothers me. It bothers you. Always made it, and you haven't? Nothing. No.

I got nada. Sucks. But you have Wikipedia pages. No, I don't think so. No, we don't. Are you gonna hurt my feelings twice tonight, Chris? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I think that's how you get on. I think that you make a Wikipedia page, and then you put the high school in, and then it automatically, I don't know that this is such a,

I think that you make the Wikipedia page when it says what high school you go to, you put your high school and you get a notable alumni. I think it's just a Wikipedia. What does my Wikipedia page, does it say? I went to, who would fill it in? Did you guys make yours, or did someone else do it? No, I think that the internet does it.

No, because I remember when I first saw it I hated the photo of me and then I don't know how to like fix it and then someone changed my year Like I was born in like 1865 or something and that made me laugh really looks good So I kept it the net worths are funny if ever Google your name and the net worth what you're coming at But you had you have some a ho, you have some industry success, TV shows and stuff like that. Which inflates the net worth more because there's this idea that you're

going to make a lot of money being on TV and you don't. My net worth is, I, I, I. 20 million. It depends what site. Some of them say 5 million, 10 million, 2 million. I got 3 mil. Yeah, 3, see that's what I'm saying. It's, do I have, it's all.

It's 20, 20, 30. Yeah. Do I have a net, do they say, do I have a net worth? 20 million, 30 mill. Yeah, three, see, that's what I'm saying. Do I have one? It's all. It's all. It's all. Do I have a net? Do they say, do I have a net? Yeah. 20 million, 30 million? Yeah. Seven grand?

Yeah. Mine was 1.2 million. Not there? Not there. That was a couple years ago. Let me tell you, that ain't true. No. Yeah, I don't think I...

YouTubers.me, 508K. For who? 508K? For Matteo Lane. For me? That's wild. In a weekend. mentioned son of Sam how about this I was living in an apartment he was my roommate no I got two son of Sam stores you ready for this okay I was living in my I was I got an apartment meme you

know my family were living in an apartment we're seeing the apartment and then the real estate agent goes oh you know what's interesting about this tree in front of jazz and my kids because you know what's about this tree I said what that's where the first son of Sam victim was no shit This is Christ to keep that to yourself my daughter's like whose son is Sam I was like, you know, Peppa Pig He's like Peppa Pig. He's like a cartoon. You just he's from my time The real estate agent pulls out a picture that they have laminated with the that they show people and look at this. And there was his first victim.

He shot a girl going to school and she tried to block it and got shot through a textbook through her head and her body's laying on the floor with a textbook all through. He's like, yeah, it's pretty cool. It's right there. It goes. But don't worry. None of the apartments are haunted. I was like, OK, we will take it. No, I said no, I actually was worse real estate agent No, we did take it because Jasmine being the smart girl that she was like, we're gonna take this apartment But because of that knowledge, we're not paying full price. So you know the market New Yorkers will do anything for a deal She's like, I'm not you should kind of traumatize us a little here

So it's got to be lower and then they agreed to lower because they apartment was sitting on the market for so long Oh, yeah, maybe they shouldn't show a girl's head blown up School book and then whole family burned in here. We can't really sell this but maybe we should stop showing the photo John It's crazy. So and then second story actually have three son of Sam stories. Let me just bang them all out real quick I know where to go who is oh my Sam serial killer your killer you're in the what late 80s late 80s late 70s 80s son of Sam serial killer terrorized New York killed 78 people I think in the summer of 77 I believe it was like between 76 and 77 like a full serial killer in the

streets of New York City like killing a was a mailman couple dog told him to do it you know the phrase going postal that phrase that's from him because he was a postal worker you really thought that his dog is telling me he believes his dog but okay there's theories out there that it wasn't him though I'm gonna ramp it up and I'm gonna get to that let me just let me bang out let me bang out the little lights in here let me bang out the next one and then the third one's fucking wild.

So here's the second one is, when he was terrorizing in the 70s, my mother and her sisters lived in Ridgewood, Queens, and he was doing his killings in Forest Hills in the Queens area, all very close. He drove a yellow car, a bright yellow car. My mom is leaving the house one day for work, or I guess she was in her maybe high school,

or she was teenager or 20s, whatever. She's leaving and she sees a car, a yellow car outside, and her heart beats, and she's like, probably not it, I'm just gonna go to work, not it, whatever. And then she comes home a few hours later, and the police are Have a notepad are talking to my grandmother and they're like, you know, and then my grandmother says to my mom Lynn

Come here. Did you see anything today? And she was like no she's like but I saw a yellow car outside the house and the police were like We think he was on this block. No, shit. His car was here, his description was here, did you see him, whatever. And now my mom was like, I could have been like his victim. I could have just walked right past him, whatever. But my mom had no information other than she saw the yellow car.

I'm sorry, he couldn't find any, he bought the brightest car. Yeah. Not the smartest guy. In India. Okay. Yeah, and then I've told this story on podcasts before, but my Jasmine's uncle, T.T. Jerry,

was convicted, you know, did time in prison, 20 years. One of the prisons he was in for I think upwards of five years, his actual cellmate he shared a wall with was the son of Sam David Berkowitz. Get outta here. I swear to God, son of Sam, he said he used to cook him breakfast, he was a nice guy said he used to cook him breakfast. He was a nice guy.

He was like- Great guy. Great guy. Just made a couple mistakes. He said the only person he met that was an actual, for real, like absolute lunatic was he also did time with the Amityville Horror House. Murderer, what was his name?

Ronald DeFeo, I believe his name was. He said that guy was genuinely insane. Like every day until the day he died or whenever Jerry got out of prison, this guy would, he'd say, how you doing? You know, like every day he'd say, how you doing, Ronald? And he'd be like, good. He goes, you know, I just wish I would have killed

my grandmother. That's the only one I fucking missed. The one that got away, baby. Yeah, and that's the truth. He missed like killing, I think his grandmother, his mother. He's like, I should have killed her. And like, so that guy was nuts. But he said, but here's the thing,

you mentioned there were others. So there was a big documentary that came out in 2022, I think, about the son of Sam. Yes, I let, yeah, yeah, yeah. Before that documentary came out, two, three months before, nobody had seen it, Jerry was telling us, by the way, I really believe that son of Sam didn't kill all these

people because he would talk to us in prison and be like how could I possibly he goes I did kill this one but how those three were me those are the ones are fake but they're pinning these other ones on me he goes there was a cult that used to meet that's what they say that's what they said so Jerry told us this month for goes there was a cult that used to meet up in the Yonkers. That's what they said. So Jerry told us this month before, he goes, there was a cult that used to meet up in the Yonkers area. And he goes, we all used to go out and kill people. And he goes, and the police just blame it all on me. But there was other people out there that killed people

I couldn't have possibly killed. And then the documentary came out and kind of shed some light on it. But he was telling us that months before. Jesus. Can I say? This is why I'm a notable alumni, by the way. Chrissy Killers today.

Yikes. Chris's more, I would rather watch you talk about it than watch the documentary. I know, yeah. You might get some things that are real, some things that are fake, some things I remember, some things I don't. Hey, I'm throwing it all in there. Chrissy Kitchen Sink. Kit, let's talk about Tushy. Uh, Tushy. Do you like a clean butthole? Who don't like a clean bee hole? I like a fresh, clean a fresh clean but I don't like to shower that Much I like to feel fresh back there When we first started started dealing with Tushy, they sent us a couple sure dead you and Luke stole them sure All right. I had to reach out say hey

I got the dirtiest but whole here ship one over the biggest one you got sure and man I got that thing hooked up. I don't think I've used a drop of toilet paper. Well, you should still clean as a whistle back there. But brushing my teeth with that. She's all right. Yeah. If you're not familiar, Tushy is a bidet that turns your existing toilet into a modern bidet without any need for electricity or a plumber. This means there's no more wiping and hoping for the best. And said you got a two-time Cleaner you get two times cleaner with Tushy's targeted precision stream whoo I'm talking a right in the bottle

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that's 20% off your order with promo code garbage20 support our show and tell them we sent you this fall make the most of every moment with chubby shop now and fall into comfort one stylish piece at a time do it. There's a really really really funny comedian in colos goal I don't know if you've ever seen them but they have a great name huge successful show and broader now called oh yeah yeah they play Mary Lincoln she's just a drunk she has no redeeming qualities it's so fucking funny anyways years ago they made you know those like like documentaries like where they interview people about the murders and stuff so

culpits on this like shit blonde wig and and it's like very much like the music and they go um so he came at my desk and I thought something about that doesn't feel right and then you see more so they were dragging a dead horse the office and I thought something about that then finally it's like so I, did you kill your sister? And he said yes, and I thought, okay, something's not adding up here. But it's all those documentaries and every single time, yeah, it's reminding me of that.

Now I kinda wanna watch the documentary, but that doesn't leave you with like, if I watch them like that and I go to sleep, like it sits with you, like it sits with you. He was terrifying, the son of Sam. It's scary. That's a scary one. Zodiac was scary.

That one scared the shit out of me. Have you seen that movie? No, what's the Zodiac? Are you kidding me? The Zodiac Killer, San Francisco? You guys, it scares me. So why would I know about it? I avoid it.

They never caught the Zodiac. They never got him. Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr. Jake Gyllenhaal, she can relax. All right. Zodiac killer. But the Zodiac killers. But you know who the scariest one of you want to.

The night guy I know. My night stalker Richard Ramirez. Oh, they got him. No, they got him. But that is the one when you see him, when you watch that Netflix documentary and they and they pan the camera up and you see him. He's fucked.

That's the only one. You know, you watch it, because I watch these other guys and I say, yeah, I mean, listen, anything can happen. But there's a point where it's like, yeah, I'll beat the shit out of the son of Sam. I'll throw him down a flight of stairs. You're not going to kill me. But Ramirez, Richard, that guy you say, and you look at him and I say, that guy actually just on a photo, like I remember the hair standing up.

I remember, I'm a grown man with a family. I remember my daughter asking me for water in the middle of the night after I watched a documentary and I said, you go get it. Yeah, Richie's down there. I was scared to walk down in my own house with the lights off and then I finally, Jasmine was like, you better get up

and fucking get your daughter water. I turned every light on in the house and I had my cell phone with the flashlight. Wait, but what did he do? I'll film you, don't touch me. Why was he the worst? He was running around LA killing people, like randomly, old women and stuff.

It was, yeah. Going through people's back windows. He would watch you while you slept for an hour and then kill you, murder you. And then what's interesting about him, it's like a poetic justice when he got taken down by the neighborhood. The neighbors surrounded him and killed him.

Surrounded him and beat the shit out of him and then the cops arrest him. It's like what you would hope would happen. It's like they did it. It's like how they got Gaddafi. They all just fucking circled him and beat the shit out of him. It is one of those ones that's truly, truly, truly like terrifying

So my nonna knows every single thing about murderers all she does is read like murder She's a town. She just reads like murderer books and stuff like that So I mean you could just call her up me like who's this murder? What do they do? She'll tell you every single detail about it. That's horrifying though. That one's scary Netflix If you want to watch my worst ex ever Yesterday so where's roommate both of them or every episode? Yes That one, Netflix, if you want to watch Worst Ex Ever, Worst Room, Worst Ex or Worst Roommate? Both of them. Or every episode?

Yes. What am I, an asshole? I literally. You think I got stuff going on, Chrissy? I swear to God, I was literally sitting there watching it, right? I'm watching it. It's in, you know, the middle of the day. Jasmine comes, starts sitting down watching it.

We're watching, having fun. My nine-year-old daughter comes home. We're like, we should turn this off. She sits, my nine-year-old's like, what's happening? We start watching it. Then the three-year-old daughter comes home. We're like we should turn this off. She sits my nine-year-old's like what's happening? We start watching it then the three old come home by the end of the day I got the entire family watching every episode of this show scary music bad real stories every we're all invested I mean the did you the one to me that was like actually hilarious was remember the one Choice word, but yeah, well it was it wasn't hilarious it was horrible

but episode 2 is this I'm sorry is this X or is this roommate this is roommate roommate was great episode 2 with the Korean guy who killed his yeah who killed his roommate yeah so this guy kills his roommate right and everybody knows he did it and then you know he's like a Korean guy whatever and like they interview him you know footage of the police station and they're like, you know, when was the last time you've seen her? Did you kill her? He's like I would not kill Kill him eight Like that like he's going on and then they're like we know that you did it goes there's another me and then they they cut and then they cut to the victim sister and they show her the tape and he's like

She's like he doesn't have a Korean accent. Yeah Yeah, so every time the police talking he's like It was all fake Like that guy from Star Wars Phantom Man is like the boy can go but the mother has to stay Yeah, and it was like dying because I was like then guy from Star Wars Phantom Man, who's like, the boy can go, but the mother has to stay. Yeah. And I was dying, because I was like, then the episode became like, yeah, he's faking an accent. He's trying to pull off this, oh, I'm just a nervous immigrant.

That's pretty good. Yeah, and then they finally found him, because they were logged into his laptop at the library. He went to a public library and would rent out laptops. So he was thinking, oh, you can't trace what I'm Googling. But the police were in a van outside. They always Google like how to kill a body, not a fucking.

Right. And then and then he was they were doing a search for her body. Like, you know, the community was getting involved, like, we're going to search this park at this time. And then he like found out about that and he Googled image the park and zoomed in on this one tree. Exactly where it was. How to do an Asian accent. Yeah, this one tree. where it was zooming in on Asian accent yeah and then they were like and then they go they go you know they arrest him he's like you're zooming in on that one tree that's where he found the body goes it's just a coincidence we were linked Gary we know it's you

no he goes I loved her I loved her she loved me we're connected and then they go we found her body there what your fingerprints are on the body. He was like, I want a lawyer. Lawyered up real quick. All right, you got me. Yeah. All right. That's funny. Okay. So what we wanted to do with you guys, since you guys did the Teach Me Daddy, we wanted to kind of put you guys in each other's world a little bit more.

Because you have similar upbringings, right? But also, yes, exactly. But also very, very different people who you are now. You know what I mean? He's trying to say that I'm gayer than you. Yes. I'm not sure about that. Yeah.

Well, hence I said gayer. I didn't say I'm gayer. All right, good point. Yes. So the one thing we wanted to say is like, how would each of you operate with the others family? Do you think like if I like Thanksgiving if Chris had to go to your Thanksgiving? How would he fit in? And vice versa I mean he'd fit in fine. I mean my family and Cindy. Yeah, they already adopted

Your answer my talk to Trish Yeah, my aunt Cindy already loves him and it would just be like a bunch of dagos sitting in a room and it would be fine. I don't know. Where did you meet his aunt? Aunt Cindy came to a show of mine in Vegas. Yeah Yeah, yeah came in great lady aunt Cindy. Did she live in Vegas? No, they had her and my uncle Mike had a condo there for a while because he always loved to gamble so they would go back and forth and gamble. Dude a condo in Vegas just to gamble? It's crazy. My poor uncle Mike because it it was so funny when I first came on this show, I was like, are you trash or not trash?

My uncle Mike saw UFO, you know, the bear, the sausage, but yeah, you would do fine I think. I would have more trouble with you. How would he, how would Matteo fit in with your family. I think that he would fit in with my father's side, my father's side very well because they love it whatever all good. Then my mother's side's very old-school Irish Catholic, very old-school Irish Catholic and I think and they're very quiet they're very like reserved and they're very like conservative and they're just kind of always like oh my god what he doing? And so I think that they would not know how to handle a big personality like Mateo. But he's so charismatic, though. Oh, they would eventually love him. But I think at first they would be like, well, you're not sure what to do. This one sings a lot.

He's singing, he's dancing, he's very muscular. He's very neat. Yes, but I think my dad's side would be like, get him in here. They would love him. Chris would be great with my family. He would be like, oh know, get him in here. They would love him. Chris would be great with my family. He would be like, oh, Mateo, I'm just going to stay here now. Your family loves me. I love your family. Yeah. They would like carry him out on his shoulders like we love Chris.

I need all the food. Yeah. It'd be great. That's that would be harder if I had to be like, like, like a Freaky Friday. And suddenly I have got three Puerto Rican kids and a Puerto Rican wife. That would be harder. No, but my kids love, you know, Mateo. My daughter Delilah, you know. I draw for her.

Draw for her. That's a pretty good move. I make pasta for her. My Delilah loves him. She always asks about him. She looks at, she'll go on my girl's phone sometimes. My girl follows him on Instagram, so she'll look at his Instagram. I would really disappoint Jasmine in bed.

Sorry Jasmine, you'd be wildly upset. I would be surprised. I mean, some of the things coming out in therapy today, I was like, wow, I didn't realize that you were, I was that bad in bed. I didn't realize that I'm not doing anything right. But the bed would look nice every morning. Oh, it would look, everyone would be eating well,

everyone's, I mean, it would be fantastic. Flowers everywhere, yeah. Yeah, there wouldn't be, you know, there wouldn't be all the laundry all over the floor socks wouldn't be all over the floor There wouldn't be dishes in the sink that house would be probably cleaner tidier. I really do make a mess You're making me sound like I'm Mary Poppins at this point But you gotta be cleaner and more tidy than I am yeah But I also don't have three kids so it's easy to like not you see what I'm saying

Well, I think you would you do any Do you do any of that at the house? Do you do any of the housework at all? Laundry? No, I kind of run, I run at old school. I got a podcast man. I'm like, listen, I come home, I put food on the table, clothes on your back. I come home, you know, I have my drink ready.

Yeah. I come, even though I'm doing comedy, every day I come in that house, I'm wearing, I'm dressed like a painter. Sure. I come in, sit on my face. Put your toolbox down. I put the toolbox, I put the check, I take my check out of the pocket, I say, put that in the bag.

You're a painter in a chimney sweeper. Yeah, then I sit down like this, I throw the game on, and I say, kids, get in here, tell me how school was. And then I'm just waiting. Let me tell you about Son of Sam. I'm like, come on, it's six o'clock, babe, Wiz. I'm like, come on, we gotta eat before Jeopardy. Where the calzones at?

Where's dinner? Where's dinner? And I sit down, and I'm like, I'm gonna go get some food. I'm like, I'm gonna go get some food. I'm like, I'm gonna go get some food. I'm like, I'm gonna go. Let me tell you about Son of Sam. I'm like, come on, it's six o'clock, babe, Wiz. I'm like, come on, we gotta eat before Jeopardy. Where the calzones at? Yeah, come on. Where's Dina? Where's Dina? And I sit down, and that's what it is. Okay.

Run an old school ship, so she takes care. It's not as traditional, cause like I don't know how to build anything or do any of that. She's good at that, but it is more like- So it's very not traditional. Yes, yes. Yeah.

You're outside making my videos. Yes. Yeah. I got to go out back and make my videos. His idea of traditional is playing dress up to pretend he's traditional, while his wife's like, I'm cooking and changing the tires and shit like that. I really just, yeah, I just provide the finances.

No, but you make waffles. I do make waffles. The waffles on our show you made. From scratch? No. No, not from scratch. But I throw it, you know. Throw it in a toaster? I mean come on. You gotta time it. You only have a second to window. I love Eggo's. Eggo's are still...

I know how to hit them right between too too crispy and soft. Just a lot of practice. Every one of my kids tells me I make better, I toast better waffle. I toast everything better than my girl does. Everything. Now do you have a toaster oven or you got the slots? We got to, well we had the slots, but my daughter put, what did she drop in them? Like a Barbie hair pins. Dropped those in them so that frizzed out.

So we got the old school toaster oven, pull it open, put the Lego waffles in there. The Lego waffles. Sorry, Lego waffles in there. And you know I just. Speaking of Legos, I don't know if you'll thinkaffles. Sorry, Lego waffles in there. And you know, I just- Speaking of Legos, I don't know if you'll think this is funny, but I was in Italy a couple weeks ago and I was at this really nice Italian restaurant, all Italians, one

American family. They must be New Yorkers. Clearly they have money and the mom's kind of sloshed like that. Anyways, everyone's eating at one point. I don't know what she was talking about. She's talking to her 35-year-old son, and she just goes, I'll buy you some more Legos, John.

Give me a fucking break. Thank you, mother. The dad left. I was like, this is, oh, they all had to go home with her. That's brutal. I thought my stepson, 13-year-old stepson, I thought he's only into Legos, video games,

the kid doesn't wanna play sports, doesn't wanna do anything. It's kinda like it was depressing. I was like, I wanna go out and play. My girls don't really wanna do that. They wanna dance. They're very girly. They don't wanna do sports or whatever.

So I'm like, come on, let's do something. And then the other day, the other day we were in the backyard and my keys were in the front of the house. So I said, yo, can you go get me my keys? I said, I gotta front of the house so I said yo can you go get me my keys I said I gotta run in the car I gotta get something and so he was standing in the front of house and I was standing in the full length of the driveway and I by my car and I said just throw me the keys and I thought you know he threw him like rookie of the year and one thing I never pay attention to lefty I said

I told you we're in therapy Throwing heat and he's lefty and I had no idea so I you know But my lawyer hair always been brown that's crazy by the notable alumni you could tell him a lot of baseball team basketball The athletics are top-notch here, but I said you gotoy, baseball, team, basketball, the athletics are top notch here. But I said, you gotta, you gotta, I know the coach. Gotta hone that. I said, I gotta show this coach that you throw absolute heaters. Gas.

Gas. But he will not, he only does it like when. With keys. With keys, there's no pressure. Only throws keys. Because then I asked him to throw a ball with me, and he's throwing it like an idiot. I said, bro, throw it like it's the keys.

And he just can't do it. But I said, if I could figure out a way, sports psychology, get inside his kid's head, we got a major leaguer on our heads. The first one in the family. Talk about the retirement plan. Why are left-handers, cause my uncle Mike always said, all right, they're left-handed.

I'm like, what does it have to do with like- Because the angle at lefties throw at, most people are right-handed. So when you're a left-handed pitcher I'm like, what does it have to do with like because the angle at lefties throw at most people are right-handed So when you're a left-handed pitcher you come at that different angle and a little bit of an advantage much harder for the batters To hit pick up the ball off a left hand that off a lefty that arrives how many pitchers are way way less way I mean listen, there's a good amount out more now way like I would say if it's you know I mean, I actually don't know what that number is but Luke he's pulling it there's not 25% left you're not anything you guys left-handed I jerk off left hand

sometimes that's interesting I do left I never do the left I don't jerk I don't use my hands I I what collapse my hands I actually make a homemade vagina I swear to God I lay down and then I go like this with my hands and I rub the base of my penis, lay it flat, and I kind of make a homemade vagina with my hands. That's so much work. Stop saying homemade vagina. I know. Can we name this episode homemade vagina?

I make a Lego vagina. Yeah, and then I kind of just sploosh into my belly button. That's how I roll. Old school, huh? Almost never almost never of a north to south jerk almost never never front to back, huh? Never I rub I rub it down east to west Complicated guy yeah Okay, all right is that garbage you think I mean it's weird. It's definitely weird. It's not classy right sploog in your belly button No, I don't know. No, it's not class. Yeah, but how. Right. Splooging in your belly button. It is classy. No. I don't know.

No, it's not classy. Yeah. But how are you watching porn while you're doing it? Like are you putting like a, how are you managing this? I mean, yeah. Using the imagination? Yeah, I can, why, I usually, I either lay the phone on like, you know, my leg or something like that,

prop it up, or if I'm sitting in the sauna, I got a tablet in the sauna. You're jerking off in the sauna? That's actually the main place I go. What are you, a gay guy in the 80s? To the point where Jazz has told me, hey, stop jerking off in the sauna. Every time you go in that sauna, I know you're jerking off.

Stop jerking off. He's fully clothed. It's not even on him. Yeah. In a New York sports club. You have to put a curtain up, because where our sauna is, I got a, it's actually, it's a great thing.

I think it's called, oh, shout out Sunlight and saunas and they're infrared the impulse amazing product okay it's amazing infrared sauna got three speeds great for whacking off get up get up the temps up to 165 got a full tablet in there Wi-Fi capable everything you can ask for red lights it's amazing remote controlled can control through the phone work for the straight man get the more they have in common with NASA like Controlled room like you like you're like leb infrared But what happens is when I go in there when I go in there, it's kind of just you know

I'm in the kids know hey, I'm in the sauna. You don't bother me for 30 minutes No, the kids know they can only come up. I got it because it's way in the back of my house They can only come up to a certain room. I said I don't come within 10'm in the sauna, don't bother me for 30 minutes. The kids know they can only come up, because it's way in the back of my house, they can only come up to a certain room. I said, don't come within 10 feet of the sauna. I tell them that this is- Daddy's working. I'm like, there's electromagnetic rays, you can get sick, the kids believe it.

They're like, oh, the sauna! But it's really because I'm cranking it in there. And so Jasmine has told me, she said, listen, the kids, you know, your three-year-old daughter- The kids know you're jacking off in the sauna. Yeah, the three-year-old, she's like, she doesn't listen as much anymore, she's gonna run into that sauna one day. So you know you're jacking off in the sauna. Yeah, the three-year-old, she's like, she doesn't listen as much anymore. She's going to run into that sauna one day.

So you better stop jerking off in that goddamn sauna. Are you doing this during the day? Usually now I'll do it during the day. Yeah, but it's been the summertime, so the kids have been home. But now, here's the beauty part about when the kids go to school is, I mean, you just got a free house for six hours. And if she's going to work, I mean, that's it. You're jerking it.

But is it habitual? Like you're home sick. It's almost Pavlovian, like when you get in there like you're like I have to jack off now like it's like a hotel room because we've all have to you have all been there where we're like I don't even want to jack off what do you think I turned gay yesterday of course I do I get turned on the second I walk into a hotel sometimes I start jerking off at the front desk. Yeah, yeah. Check it in. What room did you say it was going to be? Give you my cookie.

Let's go. My room's not available yet. Do you guys question, when you guys are in hotels, do you watch the hotel TV or do you put on your laptop? I do the hotel TV because I love First 48. Yeah. I love Crack Crack First 48. I love Ghost Adventures.

Oh, really? It's always on the Travel Channel. I will watch it in a hotel. Love it. What I like, the number one thing to me is I'll hotel I understand the hotel TV the number one thing is when you can stream On to your when they have the internet TV when you can log into your Netflix on the hotel TV That's what I love. Yeah, I never remember my password or you scan it. They got a QR code you scan it on the phone It's all it's easy now you put the code in for the TV.

You gotta get Marriott Bonvoy, baby. Are you Marriott Bonvoy Rewards member? No, I don't do that. Shout out Marriott Bonvoy. I'm a Bonvoy member. Bonvoy guy? Yeah. I'm up to platinum, oh sorry, titanium status,

level one status. They just titanium. You ready for this? Krypton. How about this? How about this? Took my family to Chicago, they came with me to the show last month.

You know, we were going to stay in a nice hotel. Nothing crazy. We weren't staying at the Ritz-Carlton. Nothing crazy. Book a room through the Marriott Bonvoy app. Get a call. 1-800- you know, Marriott- Bonvoy person calls. I think it's going to be some bullshit. I said, listen, lady, I'm not buying a timeshare. I don't want to do this. She goes, no, no, no, no. This is not an offer. She goes, because you're a titanium member, I represent the titanium member. She goes, for no charge at all, if you would like, we can upgrade your stay right down the street

to the Ritz-Carlton Chicago, put you and your family in a suite. Really? Just for being titanium. I said, book it. So we went in there, big shots. We go into the Ritz-Carlton, they come out toy wagons for the kids.

They tell them to pick a toy. Free breakfast, we had a whole view of Lake Michigan. Nice. That was unbelievable. Must be nice. Kids were unbelievable. I mean, jumping all over the furniture. We got rooms, because I said I'm not paying for this,

we got room service, spaghetti all over the walls. It was not tight to leave. It was one of those jobs for three days. I left the hotel service staff, not tight to leave. It was one of those jobs for three days. I left the hotel, you know, service staff. I had to leave them 200. Really? I left them 200. My kids fucking destroyed that room. My stepson pissed in the sink. I was like, they were going crazy, these kids. You jerked off in the sauna. I was joking off everywhere. Okay, but something about Mint Mobile. Shout out to Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile, Mint Mobile, Mint Mobile, baby.

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Gang, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Talk therapy. Guess who needs it? We all do. That's what I'm saying. And I'm back back in baby. I was doing it for a minute I got off it now I'm back on better help because let me tell you what you got to talk to somebody Whether it's something big something small if you're just trying to talk your way through it

It helps to bounce it off somebody that's not in your world Yes, and with better help you get a licensed therapist from the convenience of your own home You don't got to go anywhere. You can talk you can text you get on a call You know a video call you can do it just about anywhere gang do yourself a favor if you're struggling with anything and believe me Talk to better help. Yeah, it's entirely online designate are designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule I you fill out a brief questionnaire. they match you with a licensed therapist. And the big thing about BetterHelp, which is fantastic, you can switch it anytime.

So if you get somebody and you're not in love with them or it's a little whatever, or you think it might be a better fit, they'll switch ya. But you're in the pool, baby. You're in, you're working on yourself, you're getting better. Sticking with my guy, Danny. Love you, buddy.

Shout out Danny. Sorry for crying yesterday. Rediscover your curiosity with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash garbage today to get 10 percent off your first month. That's better help. H e l p dot com slash garbage. Do it. I've we've only ever stayed in a couple of nice hotels and usually on points

like AmEx points or something. And when I will get, you know, I'll order room service. Yeah, because it's like the rooms I paid like I got the room for free. So I'm like, I'll get room service., I'll order room service. Cause it's like the rooms, like I paid, like I got the room for free. So I'm like, I'll get room service. That's different level room service. But like they want to come in, like some places you get it, there's like, ah, it's the lock on the door and it's in the hallway and like the neighbors eat.

Dude, at the nice ones, they're like, I'll come in. I'm like, leave it there, pal. I don't need you in here. I never wanted to come in. No, but they kind of want you to see my face. I've only ever seen this once. And this is shout out to Ritz Carlton Chicago. We ordered a cacio pepe pasta, you know,

whatever, beautiful, kids got their chicken fingers, we got some wine. Never seen this in my life. With room service, these people come up with the cheese wheel, making the pasta in the cheese wheel in my room in front of me and threw it on the dish. Oh, you're hoity toity. I said, I've never seen this

I said what hotel ever brings up the cheese will he goes only one Ritz-Carlton, Chicago. They really get off I mean the kid he brought it up to the service elevator on the it was pretty I mean my kids were blown away They're sitting there. They might my three-year-old want to eat the cheese Yeah, I think that's pretty trashy you got a cheese wheel next to the bed in the room. Yeah, they're just reusing that That's been in like ten different rooms. I mean, but still it was pretty cool experience No, listen, I would hear him assume as well I would when I would order when I was on Australia because I knew it that I have the accent but you know I just could this guy I would call and order rooms

I couldn't understand him every morning be like hi. He's like how larry and I'm like, you know Do you have like yogurt granola and I know he didn't say this, but I heard I'm taking it every morning He's got a baby, but they would always end it with if you'd like if you'd like there's a salmon every morning I was it just give a room service is great. I love them coming into the I don't want them coming in my room I want them you feel like no no just give that's my space. I don't need you in there get out I'll tip you everything yeah, I want them to see me. I don't like that I also don't like when I walk into a store and people ask me if I need help, I walk out of the store.

Let me find it on my own. When I need help. That's it, I'm leaving. My shoe size, I'll tell you what shoe size I have. But when people say, is there anything I can help you with, I don't like the feeling. I leave immediately. Sure.

Don't ever ask me. You don't hit them with, I'm just looking. I'm just walking. Is that just not liking authority? You don't like talking to people. Maybe. I just don't. It makes me feel.

All up in your business. Makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being looking I'm just well is that just not liking authority you know maybe I just don't it makes all up in your business Makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being watched yes, because then I'm like I gotta like if I do just want to Leave right away. I gotta like kind of I Hang out a little longer make it look right. I was really interested in buying thanks. Take care appreciate you I was at today Lockers there's a lot of cosplay going on at retail where you're like yeah Like oh, I guess I have to pretend I'm interested now or ask a question Yeah, you go to like a small shop with my with my wife, and they're like oh welcome

And the horror soap store and you're like I'm not gonna I gotta sit here for ten minutes I stand at the front and I never walk into the store when she's so sure is now just let her go do it Yeah, I just stand right by the door smart one one. I don't fit. I'm like going through the aisles Sideways and shit like that in those little stores. I just stand in the front and I thanks take care Yeah See that's me too like I got to stand outside the store with the kids because the kids if they go in that stores They'll throw us your 300 bucks. Let her run, especially my three-year-old my you let my three-year-old in any store She's doing damage. There's gonna be damage that I

My thing is like if you want my three year old to come in, you better have insurance because I'm not paying for the shit she breaks. So if you tell me you got insurance that'll cover your damages, I'll let her go wild in here. You guys got collision, what's the deal? No, that's a good excuse, I hate going in those stores. Yeah, it's a picture.

Because she wants me to go in to get my opinion on something that I have no idea about. Because when I say I'll wait outside, it's I want you to come in and see it. Yeah. How about the other day, Jazz, I come home and she didn't, it wasn't like, do you like my hair style or do you like my haircut?

She says, did I get my hair done? Yes or no? Yikes. God, it just, that's when I turn around and walk out. And I was like, oh god. I was like trying to think like, what the hell could I possibly say?

And I'm looking at her and she's like, did I get my hair done or not? And then I was like, yes. A little bit? Yes, you did. I was gonna say yes, you did. And I know what you did. You got highlights in your hair.

And she was like, I did. I was like, yes, yes. And she was like, but did I trim it? I was like, no. And she was like, I did, I did trim it. I was like, all right, one for two. Not bad. It's 50% getting all the fame, daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you left-handed? That's crazy. She is left-handed. Everyone in my family is left-handed but me. All my kids lefties. Everybody's a lefty. Big thing.

I would have been nice. It would have been nice. For an athlete, you want to be a lefty. You can have a house of professional pitchers. Yes, house. And Chris is a catcher. And your brains are, exactly. That's a good one.

That took you a minute. There it is. Did you just get your hair done? You got highlights, look at you. That's funny. All right, let's we got to get into a couple of cues here gang When you join the patreon will answer will ask your garbage question on the air speaking of speaking of lefties This is from AG Willikers. Do you say do you still say righty-tighty lefty Lucy out loud? Every blue moon. Yeah, we're not, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, because a couple weeks ago,

I just got a new apartment, and I was trying to unscrew a light bulb, and you know when like it's stuck, and so in your head you're like, am I doing it the wrong way? Is this gonna shatter in my hand? Literally righty tighty, lefty loosey. Of course.

Chris, does your wife still say righty tighty, lefty loosey, how loud? No, actually, I don't think that's- You gotta change light bulbs? Dude, here's the thing. My girl's at the point now where she doesn't even use tools like that. She's got a power drill. Really?

So she power drills like when you're trying to you're putting together, we're putting together this table. If it was me, I'd be with an Allen key or wrench trying to do it. She comes in with the big tools. Yeah, she's like that. She's Mike. You ready for this? And it's hers.

Have you ever met anyone? But she's still saying, righty tighty lefty lefty. How about this? The other day, my girl, you know what she has now? A welding mask. What? You ever met a woman with a weld? She's welding shit in the fucking garage.

But what is she welding? She's welding? Would she be 18? She's building like some type of coffee table thing that she needs to weld together. She's a blacksmith. She shouldn't be welding. Yeah, that's crazy.

She's working at medieval times. My kid doesn't make you weld shit. She told me be well. Yeah, that's crazy. She's working at medieval times I can't make it well She told me right away when it came she goes and let me just make let me be crystal clear with you You're not wearing this on the podcast. You're not putting the welding mask on the podcast I was like, let me do one episode with the welding master. Good numbers. You're walking around like Iron Man I want to do a get like I have a guest have them with the welding mask on and you got a guest a guest That's fun. Do ten minutes, and then who is it? Uh-huh? This kids always think yeah, baby

Let's say this one's from Jay ever get a boner while slow dancing at a wedding. No, I'm not seven Oh, yeah, seven's an eighth grade. I still will really yeah, it's chum dancing. I'm kind of drunk. Yeah Really? Yeah, it's all dancing. I'm kind of drunk. Yeah, but my wife's in a nice dress or whoever whenever the lady I'm telling them by yourself do any like no you're slow dancing I also cannot remember the last wedding besides my own that I was at there was no slow dancing So I don't know I don't know slow. I a boner I was just that one and dance for the first time I think at a wedding ever slow dance on her slow dance You came fast dance. Yeah You grind it remember an eighth grade. You're like they're grinding

No, I don't get a slow dance at a wedding But a hundred percent I get a boner when we're like Looking out like over a railing or something like that like watching the kids playing the sand at the beach And then I go behind my girl and hold her from the back, and I snuggle up against her butt, instant boner. That's what I'm saying. That's how I'll get a boner, not from the front so much,

but from the back I'll get a boner. Back door Chrissy. Yes, it's BDC. I didn't know where you were going with that, getting a boner looking out over a railing. Yeah, at the kids' point. I know, I was like, yeah, I see scaffolding and I think That's great. They're safe up there, and I'm safe down here, so I get a boner

They get the welding maze dude my impression of you is pretty good. I think so Yeah, it's not as good as my Joe Mac even I do a perfect Joe do a Joe Mac Hey gang is crazy All right, let's see this is from Smashing Blumpkins Ever been over Ever been over at a friend's house and their parents start yelling at them That's a tough one Yeah, my friend Sophia, she's

100% Greek, they're all from Greece And I remember the very first time I went to her house First of all, all the houses, they live in Albany Park in Chicago And all the houses, your normal Albany Park in Chicago and all the houses your normal Chicago houses Then we go to hers they have the white picket fence the lambs the sunflowers the Astro turf the whole so I went up and she she opens the door. She doesn't even look at me. She just screams at Sophia She goes Sophia. I tell you the gypsies got to take her cats Got them a like a two-gu. And it was always yelling and screaming,

but it was, she would read our fortunes. One time she was reading, she would make Greek coffee and then she turns it over, she reads our fortune, but she would read mine and she'd be like, okay, I see money coming and this and that. But then she'd read Sophia's, this says that you're a bitch. So, you ever seen your friend's parents fight in front of you?

Ever see that? That's, you put your head down. The dad starts yelling at his wife. You know you ever seen your friends parents fight in front of you. Oh, yeah You put your head down. I had starts yelling at his wife. That's a tough look I've been asked to leave a house where like the kid is like fucked up, and they were like you got a like Yeah, we were like this we're having to beat this kid's ass Yeah There was the kid was like throwing key like ruin the walls in his bedroom right and like they came in they're like what the fuck? Are you guys doing? I'm like it wasn't me fuck your fucking and like they came in they're like what the fuck are you guys doing? I'm like it wasn't me. Fuck your fucking son was doing it. They're like get out. I'm like that kids gonna get fucked up

The only one I remember is I was 2021 and I was hooking up with this girl and we were laying in her room She had a better her bedroom was in the basement We're laying in the basement with her and her mother, her mother comes down and she, I think her name was Caitlin. She's like, Caitlin, where are you? And she's like, I'm in my room, mom. Like I'm coming out in a minute.

She goes, where are you? Get out of your room. And then she was like, I'm with somebody. I'll come out. She's like, what? And she opens the door. Opens door and like we weren't naked or anything like that. We had sex early in the day.

Of course bro, I was holding her from the back. And looking at the bridge. We were looking had sex early in the day. Of course, bro. I was holding her from the back. And looking at a bridge. We were looking at the beach on the TV. And so she comes in and she's like screaming at us. She goes, I cannot believe, I cannot believe you're in here acting like a little slut. She goes, and with him? And I was like, nice to meet you, Mrs. Henderson.

Who's this loser? Yes, she was like, with him? And then she was like, Chris, I'll call you tomorrow. You should go. And then I just went off. I was like, nice to meet you, Mrs. Henderson. Your daughter's very nice. Hey, by the way, I banged her around 2 o'clock, so fuck you lady. Do you say that on stage, man? No. That's funny.

That's really funny. She never met you before? Never, but I was hooking up with their daughter for, I mean, you know, whatever, a couple of months, like nothing crazy. But I would assume maybe she told her daughter about me, but I mean, she literally was like, with him? And I was just, you know, I didn't know what to do. That just goes to show she doesn't care her daughter's being a slut.

She doesn't want her daughter being a slut with you. you. Yeah, yeah, then it ended like a week later It ended that's a tough one to bounce back What was a tough one too because it was even like you know you're 21 your mom's acting like this like we're You know it's a little weird yeah, but but also you can't also in her mother's house though, so I don't know yeah Yeah, I got caught by my mom having red-handed having sex red-handed I we were having sex was having sex with my college girlfriend I mean we are fully butt naked like butt naked having a room no on the couch Jesus we're having sex on the couch in her apartment your mouse of mine in though in the childhood home I grew up in and we hear my mom

opening our apartment my apartment door door. And I was like, holy shit. So I left her like she was sitting on the couch. She throws on my t-shirt and then I run into the closet in the back room. So now she's just standing there, my girlfriend with my mom walking in. She's like, Hey, um, Hey, Mrs. D what's going on? And she's wearing like a shirt up to you. She's dripping sweat, you know, neck is ready. It was biting her neck. She's just wearing like one of my t-shirts. Then I hear my mom going where's Chris? Where's Chris? He's hard in the closet. I don't know she goes he um, I don't know and then I my mom like came like I don't know why I got this idea

I try to convince my mom that I would she finally finds me in the closet I went gotcha as if like we were playing a game of hide-and-seek and my mom was she finally finds me in the closet and I went, gotcha! As if like we were playing a game of hide and seek and my mom was in on it and my mom was like, I know you two are having sex. She's like, no we weren't. No we weren't. And then I was like, no shirt on in a bathing suit, hard through the bathing suit. And then my mom started screaming. She was like, not in my house, this filth in my house. Everything with my mom is sexist filth. is filth I remember my VHS porn I had the one I had that was called the Spanish porn it was a blue VHS tape

those were a different color VHS don't blend in with like the family bright orange. And she found it because I had had it in my, the way I would safeguard it is I had a documentary VHS on the USA Dream Team. And I took that tape out and I put it in the case for the Dream Team. And she.

Smart kid. Yes, and she was cleaning my room and for some reason, looked in there and was, I guess, playing my tapes. I don't know why she was doing that. Because she knew what was up and she was looking. She was trying to find that filth. And so she found it and I came home from school one day and she was at work and she had smashed it

into like 20 pieces with a hammer and there was a Post-It note that said, "'Get this filth out of my house.'" Really? Yeah, and I lost to Spanish porn my boys were pissed because that was the point. Yeah. Yeah, ours was lost at sea From our buddies dad. I like that. Yeah, it was it was like on a yacht They rented a yacht for like five hours. I think just everybody wasn't even a yacht. It was a pretty small It was a pontoon. It was a pretty shitty boat, but they were getting after they did the storyline So much better back then it was like so erotic

I don't know what it was but now when you watch porn and you see one that has because I always had music Yeah, when you see me why don't you know it doesn't ruin everything like I'm watching a music video Yeah, it sounds like the like the whole music and like bond 64 like Don't don't don't and like Bond 64. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun. That's funny. I'm just getting nervous. Uh.

Your life is so ridiculous. Yeah, I mean you are a cartoon character. What it is, baby. It's crazy. Do you guys ever have any of those friends that their family, their, the sexuality was too open? Like I had one friend at like 16

and his stocking at Christmas. He would get a carton of Newports and a box of condoms from his parents. His parents. That's too much. I think I remember being like, Sister, you know, I still I still don't feel comfortable knowing that, like my mom knows. Like when I told my mom I was having a baby, I was I was embarrassed because I was like, now she knows I'm having unprotected sex. That's the Catholicism.

It's a miracle. Yeah. I don't know, I got over it now. I could tell my mom I had sex with somebody. I can't even tell my dad. Really? You wanna watch that weirdo. I can't talk to them.

I feel very uncomfortable. I mean, not that I wanna sit down and talk to my mom about fucking, but it's like, I don't think it would be something that I would skip over. I've said to her before, you you know no. I don't think my mom knows I've had sex Just assumes you have It's very Not talked about because even my grandparents like my cousin Kelly had a friend once and they were like dating for like

Three years, and they hadn't had they're really Christian They never had sex and so of course we course, we're talking about my grandma. Grandma's like, well, that's unnatural. Come on. They should be having three years. That's ridiculous. Yeah. My parents wouldn't let any of my cousins that stayed over if they weren't engaged. They weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed with their. Yeah. With their girl. That's an old school rule.

Friend. Yeah. You're the interview with Bing Crosby. No, no one has. I have I'll tell you So this is what I'm watching I'm watching Bing Crosby of Barbara Walters sure, but he now he beat the shit out of his kids Yeah, and two of his sons I think committed suicide and he was like a hard-stearing Catholic and I remember Barbara Walter said you know So if your son brought his fiance over could they stay in the same room? He goes no, and if they did I would never speak to him again

She goes but that yes, they're engaged the engaged would nope They're not in this house and I would never speak to my child ever again And then of course it comes out as kids killed themselves. Yeah, I would yeah, but every year I'll listen to may your day And a velvet voice amazing voice and he wore a velvet voice. Amazing voice. And he wore a wig. Really? Yeah. Not a toupee, a wig. Well, like, yeah, I mean, whatever. Same thing. A piece. A piece. Yeah, he wore a piece. Today you'd have plugs, baby. You'd have some sweet plugs. That's it. He's got plugs. I know. He's got fakes. I told him to give me his number. I can't do it though. Right. There's nothing. You don't have to do anything. I know, but yours look, the risks, yours look great.

Everybody that gets them look great. I just can't run the risk of them looking bad. And then everybody be like. Me and Dan Soder went to the same guy. I know, I don't have that luck though. I just don't have the luck. You showing up with plugs one day would be hilarious. I'd be that 5% it doesn't work for.

I'm always in that, I'm always in the game. But you don't have to do anything. Looks like crab grass growing out of your hair. Just go to the good doctor and then they do it. I would love one of the fans to do a hair switch and put Foley's hair on Kippy and Kippy's hair on Foley and I want to see what that looks like and tag me in that. Whoever makes that tag me in that. Because Foley, I mean you're like. He's got great head of hair. Gorgeous. It's insane. So I got it.

And he's like, like now I told him he looks like a baseball player. Let me see. Let me see your. Mine or his? Well, let me see it Foley, your hair, like, he came in. He had it out yesterday. You look at that. Come on.

Look at that. Great head of hair. That's Baywatch hair. Kids got sick. From the eyebrows up, I'm OK. Yeah, the kids got, he walked in with it. I have, can I see your hair? Yeah. I mean, I had it out. But honestly, he walked in with it. I have Yeah

You could eat this is like so easy this is yeah, I know my only fear I'm always a guy where they're like oh this does this pill does this for 99? I'm always the guy getting on the bubble boy. I think it's gonna work. You should get a tattoo That's what you should do. No what the Dominicans do not actually? Yeah, they think that like they get the pigmentation. Oh, okay. I thought you meant just Dominicans in general getting tattoos that it now they do do that No, no, no dot tattoo, but I don't want I had one of the one of our listeners is his dad is like the main guy In Turkey and was like you will will fly out you just have to buy the ticket we'll put you up in the fucking...

You'll just have to pledge allegiance to ISIS and fly out to Turkey. He had a couple people. I did it here in New York. We're gonna pull your fingernails out. It's gonna be a good time. But you're gonna come back with hair kid. It's not a pain point for me I really don't care. Like you are an Adonis otherwise you know what I mean?

So it makes sense. Dude you're pulling... I mean like I don't care. He also wears it well too. I'm a fat, I mean, like, I don't care. He also wears it well, too. I'm a fat slob, it's fine, and I'm okay with that. I think you're good looking, you're not fat slob. Oh, thanks.

You woulda lied about that, Mattel woulda lied. Mattel woulda lied. Thanks. I mean, I'm married at this point, can't kind of successful. Well, that's a thing, you're straight, you're married, you're successful, so. It's like, whoa, whoa, what am I doing here?

You can't have, I think that's the good thing about getting older, is you kind of realize, like, hey, man, you're not gonna have every, if you can have 75% you get hit. Wait question. I should be working at I should be a fucking a pipe fitter in Philly right now. I'm chilling. I'm still a pipe fitter.

Do you think Italians are super obsessed with looks? I find my Italian side of the family. Everything's always about looks. Yes, I think that there's more vanity in in in that culture. But I think that I think that see, it's always about looks. Yes, I think that there's more vanity in that culture. But I think that, I think that, see it's interesting, I think there's more vanity in Italian culture, but I think there's more acceptance of it in Puerto Rican culture.

Like there's a lot of Puerto Rican family members I have, like they'll be 250 pounds wearing a belly shirt, no problem, they feel great. Owning it, yeah, more confident. They feel great. Owning it. Yeah, more confident. There's something I envy about that. Because if I'm feeling like I'm having a fat day, I'll wear like, I cannot.

Put a sweater on. If the wind blows, like if I wear certain color shirts and the wind blows, I know I have puffy nipples, I'll go like this when the wind blows. Yeah. Or walk sideways a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't want to go to the store today.

I'll be like, last year that I was filming something, something, and they were like, there was a scene where we were in the locker room. And they're like, oh, you know, Chris, the director wants you to take your shirt off. And I was like, I can't. I can't do it. That's it.

I quit. I can't be the guy that does it. And they were like, I was like, can I just please sit in a hockey jersey? And they were like, yeah. Yeah. And then I told them. I freak.

What if the character always wears a winter coat? What do you guys think? What if my character's an astronaut suit? And a welding mask. There is something about just saying fuck it. Yeah, no, for sure. I don't have that. Let me ask you this.

All right, I turned 40 last week. OK, turned 40. Hey, happy birthday. You got ear hair. 40 with alleged COVID. And do you think it's too late? Am I too old to get a tattoo? Do you have one?

You got a couple now. I have three, but I want to get a sleeve. I want to go full sleeve. I just want to take, I feel stamped with this one and it's too much, too painful to remove it. So can I get a sleeve? Something with my daughters or something like that. Similar to this, what Matteo has.

These are my daughters, Poison Ivy and Storm from the end of the end, Maria Callas. You go, girl. You think I'm too old? No. You're tatted at 40? Similar to this what Matteo has these are my daughter's poison ivy and storm You go girl you think I'm too old now tatted out what you already have one you already have one you have one I already won on your arm. So you're just kind of filling it in do it slower But not like don't come with one full sleeve, you know, I mean do it a little bit slower pull a full machine gun Kelly fashionable I don't know you're a cool. You're not like a CPA You're a fucking you're a public figure and a dirt bag if I'm exactly but if I'm coming out of the gate 40 my first Tattoo coming with the sleeves a little much. Yeah, okay, all right Maybe I say here down you don't have to go full

Don't go leave it just start filling it out a little drop right here bang down there you go Puerto Rican flag I think I think elbow down is right here. There you go. Puerto Rican flag on my chest. I think elbow down is more appropriate. Yeah. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Because I'm about to hit 48, like a year and a half.

I'll be 40, so it's like, all right, I don't want to go any higher. I just want to keep it here. Keep it there. 40 is nothing. Nothing. He's 58. I'm 48. I'm 48.

When you tell me how old you are, it literally blows my mind. It's insane. Because if I didn't know you at all, and you had never how old you are, it literally blows my mind. It's insane. Because if I didn't know you at all, and you had never told me your age, because I knew that you were older. I would say 32. That's what I would say. I would just operate under the impression

that you're about 32, 33. When I met him, I thought of- Same with Kip, I would think you're 34, 35. I mean, I look pretty bad. I'm 30. 17. I smoked a lot. She's legal, kids.

I'm 30, I think I just heard I just turned 38 But when I met him I just assumed he was my age and then our buddy was walking down the street with him and bumped into a kid a kiddie Graduated with he's probably you probably just probably 35 36. Yeah Yeah, and it was he was like an old man and my buddies like how did you know him and he's like I graduated high school With them we're like how did you know him and he's like I graduated high school with them We're like how fucking older you do yeah, cuz the guy had like gray hair. I started comedy at 32 That's when I started they were all like started Yeah, I started 25 26 how old you're 40 yeah 40 we're like from the same New York graduating class kind

I was like I start I started for real like 2009 2010 yeah I started yeah My first show was with Lisa Trager in Chicago at a place called Old Town Pub, hosted by Marty DeRosa. Marty DeRosa, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's another DeRosa.

We know Marty. Yeah. He's so funny, yeah. He got me started. Makes great sandwiches too, ironically. All right, we got time for one more and then we gotta go. This one's just funny, this is from BJM. When was the last time you fell down the stairs?

Fell down the stairs two days ago. I know you did. Yep, because I have these little carpet, like I have wooden steps and I have these stick on carpets, but you peel them on, peel them off. And the other day my three year old didn't wanna wear the outfit that was picked out for her So she you know have to put it on mom's rules, and so she said fine

I'll wear this but I'm doing this and then she took and peeled off all the carpet Steps and just threw them in a room. She just peeled them all off She just went crazy and we didn't put them back on and then two days ago I was walking barefoot down the stairs. I'm so used to walking down the stairs with these carpet grippers because I have carpet grippers that and I fucking laid out. I laid out, I mean, like a movie down the steps, hit it bang. Sure. And then did you get injured? Were you hurt?

No. You know, it didn't feel great, but I wasn't hurt. And then I realized, because Jasmine was in bed, she heard it, and she didn't ask me if I was okay for like a minute. Get me a glass of water. And I said, I'm okay. And then I just hear her. She was like, couldn't even breathe hysterical laughing. So that's why she hadn't asked me, because she was like, I was laughing uncontrollably for a minute and a half.

I couldn't even check to see if you were okay Just to he she was like just to hear your dumb body hit every step Size 38 ways going on a stair. That's a thing pop. Well 36 now I fell down to two side like a sunken living room, and I it's just like one two steps, dude I fucking tumbled if I fell for like eight seconds It felt it's just onto the couch off the couch rolled the dog was like what the fuck is wrong with you It's like mousetrap. Yeah, I was just but boom-boom-boom-boom-boom I get jammed up on the the things that go into the basements on New York City sidewalks

What are those? I like the like the cellar. Yeah, those dude those things kill me Yeah, like ice, you know was a big thing You know was a big high high fall risk going down the stairs at 4th Street, New York Comedy Club, 4th Street? Yeah. That answers your question. You'll get jammed up. Eat it. You will. Eat it down those stairs. That rainy night? Home alone. That's like trying to walk in cool. You're up against a door. I'm telling you, I told Emilio, I said one day somebody's going to fall down those stairs and go through the glass door. And they're just going to get up covered in blood and then you're going gonna get up covered in blood

and then you're gonna seat him. Because I need those tic, I need those butts in the seats. I don't remember the last time I fell downstairs. I don't remember, I mean not. Well, because you prance. I do. Yours on your tiptoe. I mince.

You're an athletic guy. I fall all the time, man. And when you get older, it's like, you could really jam yourself up. Dude, falling as an adult is brutal. I mean, my kids fall. Have you ever heard Ryan Hamilton's bit about falling when you're an adult? I mean no I haven't. It's great. I've heard his bits about him getting hit by a truck. Yeah.

Oh yeah. The bits that he has about that are hilarious. Hilarious. The way he's made that so far. I mean his kid got crushed. Yeah. By like an accessory ride. I mean he made it hilarious. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris and Stefano, Mateo Lane. Thank you. Two of the best. Boys, you got anything you want to plug? Fire away. Plug away.

Yes, I'm on tour, the Can't Stop Talking Tour. So I'm coming to Atlanta and Fort Lauderdale, Cleveland, and Cincinnati all in September. So for tickets, go to MateoLaneComedy.com. I am in California, Miami, Phoenix, back. I'm in the comedy clubs, chrisdcomedy.com, working on a new hour. Shows are almost sold out, so get the tickets now,

and then subscribe to my YouTube, youtube.com slash chrisdcomedy. We've got new standup coming out every Sunday night. Big, big, big announcement coming up for next year, so want to subscribe, and yeah, tell your friends. Gang two of the best boys we love love you. Thank you so much kippy What do you got for him October 1st Gramercy theater? We're doing another a white friend show get those tickets They're gonna go quick and then obviously if there's any tickets left for

Philly parks casino get them. We'll see you then gang. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace