Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - The AYG Drinking Game w/ Ari Shaffir!

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Ari Shaffir! You know Ari Shaffir from the Joe Rogan Experience, You Be Trippin, This is Not Happening, Kill Tony, The Tucker Carlson Show Stand up Comedy & much more! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! AYG Live Show Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Smalls: https://Smalls.com/GARBAGE Promo Code: Garbage Helix Sleep: https://www.helixsleep.com/Garbage Promo Code: Garbage Fresh Direct: https://freshdirect.com Promo Code: AYG Fum: https://www.tryfum.com/garbage Promo Code: garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tension middle America in the heartland the boys are about to set out on that old American pastime route 66 come out and see the boys. We're gonna be doing shows all over Chicago to LA We're filming the whole thing. So it's gonna be absolutely fun and special come hang We also got Philadelphia Parks casino and Ben Salem in December tickets going quick for that get them all tickets available at are you garbage? Dot-com will see you there, gang. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are

classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh, yeah It's that little show we sit there with your favorite Your host age fully coming at you on a beautiful day we're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition doors open up Doors like literally a jar no one's up there friends. You are rooting around the cabinets out there Oh as a matter of fact I did go to the panty drawers He's not even here. She's out with a big meeting with a campaign. She's running for City Council. Oh good for her She's on the other coming this November my co-host is coming at you from right next to me

Unfortunately, he's the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international business man and my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan What up everybody? Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube then obviously the greatest website of all time You play your browser you go to the greatest website of all time you play your browser you go to Patreon.com slash are you garbage you get all those bonus content needs gang yes, sir And I hear that yes pn.com your second suck in our special guest you rudely Not even a goddamn phone call

What if we company in here? I didn't chicks in here already pigeons in the window I thought it was safe to try put a sock on the door. We're in here already pigeons in the window. I thought it was safe to try put a sock on the door Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of the you be trippin podcast. Mm-hmm taking everybody by storm. Everybody loves it You got a year. You got to see it both these guys have been on. Yes, sir. Give it up for mr. Ari Shafir Who thank you if I might say was on the podcast back and back a couple years ago was proven to be garbage. You came back, tried to disprove your garbage. You were even more garbage than that. Then you came back and tried to turn the tables on us, which you showed your ass on that one. Came in

smoking a pipe. Looking like an Asian gypsy. I like a fully. It was like, yeah, we're garbage. Yeah. He's like like that's the show. That's why we're doing the show I was gonna prove a some complete backfire in your face right so today We're gonna do the are you garbage drinking game? Yeah? Yeah, we're gonna get y'all sauced up and make moves on you really yeah, all right. What's the game? So this is this has been an idea It's kind of a version of we have we have the card game and a lot of people play it as a drinking game So it's like yes or no questions. Have you done the short? Have you done this? Have you done that?

We've been waiting to do it. We're gonna do it with just me and the big man But I figured who else is better than fucking goddamn Ari Jeff. Yeah. Yeah, this is what Luke combs does on his bus Yeah, yeah, we gotta rename this the comb over We haven't seen you since the 999 challenge, by the way. Oh my God. The last I saw you, you were half asleep on an Airbnb couch drinking a Slurpee with your eyes closed. Drop that picture in right now.

You look like an old mouse. You look like Splinter. We were in an Airbnb with two TVs on top of each other. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's a TV here and here for no... what? What? Who doesn't know how to use picture in picture? I don't know. There was two 80 inch TVs. I thought it was that drunk, but no. It was two TVs. Am I watching Law and Order and ESPN right now?

That's for doing yak and watching porn. I'll tell you what that is. Also too, which we never, it kind of got breezed over, but you, you did complete the 999 Challenge, nine hot dogs, nine innings, nine beers. Who else completed it? Collum. O'Connor and Collum. And Collum, yeah.

But you, in the mischievous way that Mr. Ari Shafir operates, we went back to Shane's house, you snuck up, threw up in the bathroom and then just left and didn't say anything. And we get in the car, she's like, ah, I just puked in there and I left it. And we're like, what?

I totally left it. And then O'Connor's like, who puked? I'm like, shut up, you did, bro, you were drunk. And then. Immediately starts blaming drunker people. You were drunk, bro. Obviously, you were fucking, you don't remember. Who would have done it?

And then Kyla texted me it was like you were Here I didn't see it. She was upstairs sleeping. She never came down. We were there for an hour tops I think it was 15 minutes. I smoked a little cigarette like wrong move I know you spoke to say and then put it out in like the the plastic bushes or something like that Shane man Let us well into it But then Kyla was like you didn't see I think you get my present That's like an all-time dirtbag. I'm your top let Suela do it. But then Kyla was like, you didn't see, I was like, did you get my present? Yeah, I mean, that's like an all time dirt bag move. Have you ever top shelf somebody's toilet?

No. Never? I have class. It's not an animal at the end of the day. You shit in a sink before. Hey guys. You had to have. I pissed in many sinks.

Oh yeah, that's my favorite. You got a Chris in the house over there a little bit She's in the bathroom. We'll hurry up. All right. Oh the kitchen sink I was like, you know is don't worry. Take your time a good move peeing in the shower like a house party If there was like a line for the bathroom, we're like, oh we're double dudes are doubling up Someone's in the someone's in the toilet. Someone's in the shower. Just run the water. Yeah, I mean, yeah if you want to be a gentleman Yeah, otherwise, it's like you're at Fenway Stadium. You know what I mean? Yeah, before we do this uh-huh oh

God, I was gonna save this for a special occasion. I was upstairs, and I was rooting around okay I'm not drinking that dude. That's crazy Ari's got a new whiskey Bullet bourbon from what's left for the toilet ball sweat bourbon by Ari. Sorry, they're called Schmegma backs. Get that a Costco. You want ice or no? No ice.

It's got pubic hair. All right. That's a Jesus crunch drinking Ari juice over here. Don't drink this stuff. Do you I do but I'm gonna stick with this. Oh, yeah, I got to go make a little Ultra money. I'm on your zempis. I can't do hard liquor and drinking challenges. Okay. Cheers boys. Get stick with this. Oh yeah. I gotta go Michelob Ultra. Money, money, Ozempies. I gave you a hard liquor.

I'm doing drinking challenges. Okay, cheers boys. Let's get one to start. Cheers gang. There we go. To Aunt Tootie. Aunt Tootie. No, that's, dude, that's about four years old.

Oh, wrist up socks. And warm. Michelob. Oh, Jesus Christ. I think that was a Tommy Pope leftover too. Luke, give me an IPA. Wait, this is brutal. Oh, I said what do you want what do you want you bozos have been drinking at the ball games? Hey, you take that back. I've had a lot of insults on this

Well, I will not stand for it All right, let's get into it Yeah, some guy goes some guy goes like everyone's just an eight-person party. Everyone's drunk near us. He goes. Yeah Yeah, don't ever call me yo, and he goes alright Who was this some guy some guy I hate when people do that like I see if you say dude. Don't call me, dude I'm not your bro, dude. Yeah, all right well. It's actually just a figure of speech I don't think you're my brother. You know who did that to me boomer a psion

Don't bro me. I was waiting on them I think it was him and his wife or whoever and I was waiting on them and they they sat down It was like the middle of the day was freezing outside and he sat down He was very quiet and I'm like, I miss what can I get you whatever? No, I what are you gonna have brother and he like looked at me. He's like don't call me brother I ain't your brother. Oh University of Maryland stand out What he was Boomer? Yeah Boomer Boomer Syson was Cincinnati Bengals. Oh shit. I'll take this shit out of me

NFL player, but he's like seven a cheerleader could beat the fuck out of you So the pom-poms in your face you're trying to eat it thinking it's cotton candy. As long as you don't get your hands on her, it's over. Ah, yeah. It's a lot of shaking. What was the last place you've been thrown out of? Here in a couple of minutes. I don't know if it was the last place.

I think it might have been. I was at a University of Michigan State, Michigan State bar with my time, my chick chicks brother what age we talking here He was 21. I was I was Ryan O'Neill. I was 43 that's too old 44 uh-huh and I was passing a mushrooms and so I and the Bart the guys Doing that like like hide it yeah, you almost got thrown out of Xfinity live the other night You ride the bull Fucking idiot reverse

Cuz they were like column and fuck already trying to ride it side saddle There's a bunch of hot 22 year old girl take your shirt off there and takes his shirt off and the guy dumps them immediately Nope, I was like I keep a shirt. I was like I would get to here To your line around like I don't wantup it from fucking O'Connor. He's doing nothing. Alright, let's get into it. So, the Patreon is submitted. We told them, you know, tailor your questions to this. We have a bunch of short questions.

I know I have some of my own as well. I know the big man does. Let's start off pretty easy. And then listen, if you answer yes, you have to drink. Okay. What are you doing? I've been drinking by accident. Me too. Okay. That's part of it drink. Okay. What are you doing? I was drinking by accident. Oh, me too.

Okay. That's part of that. I mean, what are we doing? I mean, it's not the Olympics, dude. What the fuck? We're not gonna get disqualified. Actually, that's fucking pee test already. Let's see what we get.

Yeah, look what I have in the system. He's cheating. That nine, nine, nine fucking rolled. That was, dude, I've never seen someone combine three things they love so much. I've never seen a grown man have this much fun. It was drinking, it was being with your friends, and it was counting stuff.

Bookkeeping. Dude, he was fucking, he had a paper plate, and he'd go, what do you got, one, oh, oh, Kevin's had two hot dogs. Yeah, we wrote that. I was freestyling, I was having chicken fingers, I was having pizza. We wrote those down.

If we were in a regular, if we were regular in the stands, I would have done it. But dude, they had cheese steaks. They had, they had, uh, we saw you go for it and it was that, and you just take a week off. It was epic. Thank you very much for that. Of course. I mean, that's how big a dirt bags we are. We got to get ready for this. We each got a hot dog. And then I see Foley with a full cheese stick. And I'm like, what are you doing? It's time. They had them there. Yeah. And they had the pretzels, and they had the waterite, the Philadelphia waterite.

I'll send you the picture of the plate, the final plate you can put in. That's for love of the game, dude. Just fucking, we're all in a hot dog eating contest. You're eating a cheese stick. People like I'm done. I'm like, check that. We got to have a second.

Yeah. I sent one back. I sent one back to Shane. You sent a couple back. And then Shane kept coming up, like, dude, just hold this for Ari. And I'm like, all right, man. I like to commit to it, though. He understood the sanctity of the rules. He did everybody everybody played but you were a you were a stickler for the rules

I thought I had nine beers right at least seven beers or something like that I I mean I hit the beers I gave up on the dogs. It was just I yeah She had 15 beers. I think I was like 12 or 13. Yeah, I fell off I think I did four or five dogs. When was it do you remember? July something July 23rd. I've been baseball game. Are there you have it? Yeah He's a good bookie for getting played and I sure here's in his blood Geez I mean I must have been hamming that up for the camera. I don't remember that though.

Did you get hit by a 2x4? You look like you got kicked by a mule. That's wild. Oh, we'll post that picture. Alright, let's see. Let's get into it. This one's from Tom. You ever swim in jean shorts? I haven't. Big man for sure. Let's get into it. This one's from Tom. You ever swim in jean shorts?

I haven't. Big man for sure. You've got jean shorts. Damn. Not recently, I would presume. In high school, my sophomore year and junior year of high school in the summer. Got thrown in the pool a lot.

We've got a cool guy on campus. God damn 8th graders. It was a three-year period that America wants to forget. I wore the same pair of jean shorts all summer And I remember the summer of my sophomore year. I didn't wear shoes if I wasn't landscaping I always just wear bare feet mowing the lawn. No if I wasn't landscaping I was wearing that I was wearing the cutoff short I just wore the same pair of cutoff shorts and would just keep washing them over and over again Dude took my shoes off after work and didn't didn't new need new shoes. It was all smoking weed, dropping acid,

hanging out with chicks. It was a beautiful time. No shoes? Ah, the best. You ever been to Key West? No. Oh, dude, you would rule. Sounded like a proposition.

Treat you like a god down there. Yeah, yeah, no shoes, that shirt, having a blast, a big mono-una. Yeah, I wanna go, there's no beaches, they say. No, there are. Are there? I heard they're like rocky and shit. Yeah, there's one little area. no beaches, they say. No, there are. Are there? I heard they're like rocky and shit. Yeah, there's one little area.

You get the bike too. A lot of old broads in there. There's a gig out there, it's great. It gives you two bikes, let's say, at the condo. Two bikes? Is that what you're doing? You get two bikes. Yeah, but you bike around the whole island.

Nine connecting flights for two bikes. Man, you're an easy get, Shaffer. Woo! Let me ride around the golf cart. I'll do it, but I need a pair of roller blades and chicken fingers. By the way, I went to the Yankee game last week and I got one beer and one hot dog. It was $28. The nine would have been, without Shane's hookup, would have been crazy.

It would have been. I also love how it was very, just very funny all going down in the group chat. You were planning, you're like, we'll do the bleachers at Yankee Stadium And then because a lot of us were from Philly it was you know and then Shane was like oh, I'm it I can go and then it just changed like the coolest version of going to a base Yeah, you're like all right no more Yankees no more fucking it was great. Yeah, shame is like we could do it in Philadelphia I have to work for tires and stuff, but like we could do there and then Steve was like, oh, I can't do that data I'm like, all right, we'll find a date that works and then Shane goes I'll get us on the field for batting practice

Meet the players and I'm like Steve buddy Buddy, you gotta jump on the grenade on this really sorry, but enjoy it'll like catch you in the playoffs, bro We'll go to a triple a game later this year You were like a little kid down there, too You had you had an Aaron judge Jersey in your pocket on and I met Aaron judge in it. Yeah. Fucking asshole Shane. You know what he said? He met Aaron judge. Aaron just recognized him and he called Aaron judge called him over. Awesome. Smash some homers that thing dense on it. So he just gave the baton to the guy. And then and then he goes I'm standing there and Shane knows I'm a Yankee fan. He was like hey this

is my friend already wants to suck your dick. I'm like, shut the fuck up, Shane. Stop. I would totally do it if you were there. I would do it for money, like any man, but not more. I said I wanted to kiss him. I'll tell you what, I'd do it for two bikes. That Aaron Judge, he looks like a superhero, man. Wow, he really does.

He is jacked. Yeah, what a season. Shane's like, these are my friends. We all look like special needs kids. We're all sweating. Hi, sir. Ari's like 68 years old. friends. We all look like special needs kids. We're all sweating. Hi, sir. Ari's like 68 years old. My parents had me late in life.

My mom was a drinker. I have wet brain. He looked at me. He looked at me because I was sweating. And like, he was talking to Shane and then like saw me kind of standing behind Shane. And he went, hey, how you doing, man? doing man? It's one step up from kiddo. You have mustard on your face. I told him we're doing 999. You told him? I didn't know what else to say. You're great.

You like baseball? I was like we're doing the 999. I was like what's that? I'm like nine beers, not hot dogs, not innings. He goes I've heard of that and then turned back to Shane. I'm gonna make 40 million dollars Did he sign your jersey no, I couldn't find it Shane said there'd be a sharpie there and I was like, alright I don't know you look you turn into a nine-year-old kid. Are you do is something this guy around baseball man? Sandy Kofax We went to the bleachers last time we all sat up there. Yeah, it was fun. I got real fucked up up there.

Yeah. You guys weren't internationally known then. Now we got some Canada fans. You know, you're doing alright. Alright, let's see. This one's just funny. This is from Jordan. Ever get a haircut on your lunch break? That's a tough look if you're coming back as a different guy. Oh wow. Oh yeah. Nah, I can't do it. I did not. I've not done that. That's a tough look if you're coming back as a different guy My routine for haircut is immediate home to the shower I Yeah, weirdest heck are you ever got I?

Was a mohawk guy. I mean as were you I was a mohawk guy in my early 20s I called it my party cut not my best time it was Great though, and I wore a shirt that said magusta fiesta I called it my party cut, not my best time. It was bad. That was great, though. And I wore a shirt that said, Magusta Fiesta. He didn't even know about men. I liked the party. Party attendance, three people. It was a bad party, looking back, but I partied.

I like different languages. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, no, what? Yeah. Like, oh, it fits. Yeah, it was not my proudest moment. My worst cut was I got a perm when I was what? The 44th.

At 10? At 10 I got a perm. A perm? Yeah, my mom did it because all my older cousins had curly hair and they used to dry their hair with a towel like that and I thought it was so cool. I was playing soccer at the time too. I was dude. Soccer kids pull.

You talk about it like you're running the pros. I was poured into this uniform. Tight little gold shorts, tight little top and just the bouffant you would ever see in your life Wow, just had it fluffed up. It was nice I had a number one in the back of my head. I made my mom do it the number one. Yeah, that's number one So much Number like pound signed like, all right, it's bad. That was number, like pound signed one. And what did that, what do you think that symbolized? I had to let them know I was the number one chicken tender

guy. I got you where you are for sure. That attitude you belong to. Oh, was he gonna put number eight? I'm doing okay. His kid's pretty good. Number three, that's so great. Like what?

Like, that's still pretty good. He's humble. My Mohawk was passed when I should have. It didn't connect. It was a start and then stop. Yeah. You did yours late in the game. You have a thing though. You can really change your appearance in a crazy way. When you were rocking the beard, you looked homeless beard when it was really. Yeah. You looked like you were from another time. You got beard you could do just mustache and when you shave the top Yeah, and it's and it's and you have like the perfect around horseshoe. You look like a different, dude Wow, it's wild. I had soccer ball once I did soccer ball soccer ball in your head. Oh you're dancing for Cisco

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That's a paid full price. That's the best offer you're gonna find and you'll have to use our code garbage for 50% off your first order one last time That's promo code garbage for 50% off your first order plus free ship and do it take care cat My weirdest cut was it was a napar Gatsey after party for the beacon you got a cut there. Yeah, so Barbers my clippers barber slash workout guy slash dietician. He brings him in the road with him. We gotta get one of them. And the guy's always saying like,

I'd love to cut your hair or whatever. And I had to do my special, Jew, the next week. Go check it out. Or later that week. What's that at now? It's at youtube.com. But how many views, you idiot? Seven and a half million.

Woo! That's a couple of numbies. Button it up. And I was like, can you cut my hair? I gotta get a haircut for my special. He's like, yeah, why? And I was like, can you cut my hair? I got to get a haircut for my specials. Yeah, when? I'm like, I don't know. How about now? And so we went outside in midtown, plugged into his SUV rental. No shit. And she cut it on the sidewalk as Chinese people just kind of passed by and was like, this is common for us. Was anybody like, oh, that's Ari Shafir getting his haircut? Uh-uh.

He put out a little tarp. That's what they do to homeless people. They pull up a van and groom them. He sat on one of those poles that like stop you from driving into the building. He put out a little that's what they do to homeless people they pull up a van Like stop you from driving into the building you got a sig lighter cut It was jacked in Here to start the car. Yeah started up Spear this is very are this one. I pulled it specifically for our chef here Okay, you've ever smoked weed with a cigarette car lighter Remember like the yeah, that's what I was just talking about. I know what I'm saying It always that's my favorite fucking sig delight was off that and you fucking push it I had a hold mine in because it it would shoot out too fast. So you had to keep a hand on it

Oh, yeah, yeah You'd be doing 65 down, you know I 95 and it flies out you ever pull too hard 65s down, you know, I-95, and it fuckin' flies out. You ever pull too hard and you catch a flame off of that? I love it, man. That's my fad. And sometimes it sticks and you're jammed up, you don't know what the hell to do with it.

You got some tobacco on there? Remember Winona, remember Heathers? The movie? Yeah. With um, Christian Slater. Yeah, so I think it was Winona Ryder takes that cigarette lighter and fuckin' burns up, she's all suicidal, and then he like says stop

and grabs her arm and lights a cigarette off No That's 80s cool right there punk that's flesh things dude that ain't bad Yeah, I've done that now really I started smoking past the time when I had that lighter That makes sense what age? Start smoking. Yeah way late in life That makes sense. What age? Start smoking? Yeah. Way late in life.

Deep in the count of 30 maybe. 30? Yeah. That's what I'm catching up. You ever light a joint off the stove? This guy's a poser. Oh yeah, I've lit joints off stoves. Take a sip of that bearded son. Gotcha! Yeah, that's a... those are my favorite... those are my favorite... and that, we were just talking match cigs. I love the first drag off a favorite. Those are my favorite. And then we were just talking match things.

Love the first first drag off a match. Get that weird taste. Are you sulfur? And right. Are you a match in the in the pooper? Are you a match? Love it when it's available. I always like it when it's available.

Really? Does I don't understand where we draw the line. What do you mean? I hate it. I love it. I think he loves it. Don't do it. I don't.

I think I hate walking in after someone take a dump and it smells like lighter. It smells like match. Pull away. the lack of oxygen It's what I thought but that's with that got debunked. I would still I thought it was a diffusion or whatever that like Yeah, what does the ox? It's just just covers it. Yeah It's smell worse. I saw the best no cuz I saw the only time you ever smell that is when someone just shit I just don't that smell with shit. I don't want to smell the doo-doo from somebody

else. I like my own brand, obviously. I mean fan no matter what or window. Of course, but barring that or to speed things along. Although he did dump one out in the Count Basie theater a couple weeks ago. The green room bathroom was right there and I had a night of drinking before that. The mayor came down. But right before we got there, I had a piece so bad when we had it we were running late Traffic sound check running in I have to pee there's a guy in the I'm knocking on the door They're like oh someone's in there, and it was like one of the sound guys dude

Blowing that thing what they'll fuck up, and then I walked out my dude my bad tuning a guitar at the same time Dude, I walked in it was gagging, but I had to fucking pee so bad. How great are those theaters? I've never really done them before like that, but you get in there daytime, especially on the bus, and you're just like- You've done them? Just now. Yeah, okay.

But it's like, and then one place, I forget where it was, had like four floors of green rooms. Yeah, that's what they are, they're like stacked up. And me and Column and O'Neill were like, remember in like, Fievel Goes West, when he's singing to the somewhere You're really going deep cuts

Same time we felt connected in the way or never really felt right above each other. I was talking on the toilet That's what they do in jail. They talk to the toilet Yeah, you up there. They start dating people. What do you look like? Bang on the pipes. I got one you ever bring a reusable water bottle to a party? Like what? Like you're a douchebag. That's what I mean. Like a metal one?

Yeah, you walk in with like your Yeti water bottle at a party. Not to a party. Must've. I did that for a while. There was a brand. I bought it. I was juicing at the time. Green juice I was oh and now I was not doing steroids I would eat milkshakes. I do a green juice in the morning at chicken farm at lunch

I was really playing both sides of the ball 10 pounds a day from Gary Brekka over here I Did have one though, and I still have it Have you ever whacked it in a public restroom? I? Feel like you're probably a plane whacker. I am a plane whacker. Oh yeah, he's told us this. Yeah, I didn't know.

Plane whacking? Yeah, you did it. In my seat, first class, not my price, up to Australia. Yeah, I think he told us that. One time I was living flowers in Maryland and I had to deliver flowers to a church and I had to go to the bathroom. And while I was there, I was like, I am in a church bathroom, a bunch of stalls and I'm

like this seems so wrong it's right. You son of a bitch. The church went off right into the urinal. That's crazy, I mean that's a goddamn Catholic over here. That's a Catholic, I'm fucking. I was standing right there, I don't know. You have a picture of it? Why are you pulling your phone out?

Next time I'm in Katz's I'm going to crank one out. Get back at you. I have't know. What do you have a picture of it? Why are you pulling your phone out? Next time I'm in Katz's, I'm gonna crank one out. Get back at you. I have a question. Okay. Have you ever dine and ditched? No. No. That includes taking fast food,

food that you did not pay for. I'm a gentleman when it comes to that. No, I haven't dined and dashed, but we went to, we were younger, we were, but we were we went to we were younger. We were in high school, went to a IHOP, and we didn't have enough money to cover the tip and we tipped there like 38 cents. Like say the bill was 1942 or whatever. We left 20 bucks and man, that waitress came out as we were getting our cars

and threw the change at us in the park. Good for a street road road good for her we deserved it we were people broke pieces of shit didn't understand it and she fucking she's like you fucking pieces and well a nickels at us I chased a guy down on st. Patrick's Day in the city I was working at the waterfront ale house on 30th and second this dickhead came in with his loser buddy and one guy was probably being my friend he was wearing a kilt because it was st. Patty's fuck off Yeah, dick shut up who me or him that guy yeah, we're in a kilt

No underwear nice hog on him now They dine and dash and he ran out and ran the other way and I just Dropped everything I was doing and sprinted the other way hoping that I would catch him around the block Grabbed him drug them back made him pay. Got beat up. Stole my girlfriend. I saw a tell once, bring back a memory, at the cellar right when I got to town, a waitress comes up where he hangs out,

and she's like, oh, fuck, those people left without paying. And he saw who would come, put it in his mind, and he's like, oh, that ran after himself. And she's like, hey, guys, that's really not cool to leave on a tab. They're like, oh, shit, we don't And just, hey, guys, that's really not cool to leave on a tab. Like, oh, shit, we don't pay. You didn't, you gotta come back and do it. Respect that.

Man, that's awesome. Respect the tell. I had a buddy. Shows up with candy everywhere. Candy man. The best. I had a buddy who was real drunk, St. Patty's Day in Philly, he's at a bar,

realized he had lost his wallet. It wasn't like an intentional thing of, I'm gonna go in and fucking bail. And in the drunk, instead of being like, ah guys, I don't have anything, he was just like, he saw a line in the kitchen, he's like, I can get out of here, and thinking he was gonna, dead, he fucking dead ended himself.

And all the fucking kitchen staff came at him, with knives, they have all their clappers. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that. Yeah, I was at LAX one time, and they kept calling out like, a ta place so like O'Brien O'Brien I'm just sitting there waiting and you went up and took it. I mean it was like 20 minutes to call for this guy I'm like he's gone. Yeah Oh, I hear you got an order for me back there. He's got a Yarmulke in payas.

Ari O'Brien here. Thank you very much. All right, growing up, have you ever had blue toilet water? I got a tip for you for life. Please. Reminded me of that, too. Stealing food? Yeah, please tell us.

If you're in a busy, like, fat burger or any of those type of places, just wait like Mardi Gras, somewhere that there's 100 people, you know, always. You just kind of of like go through the line and then you wait for your order wait for it You just gotta wait for like 10 15 minutes. So I noticed you waiting just go Where's that and then you say a super normal order? Where's that cheeseburger and fries and they go like fuck because I mean someone else took it to them and like hold on We'll just get it right for you right now This is what you're doing free plus steal all the ketchup packets. Wait, so you gotta wait till it's Mardi Gras

or something like that? Hey man, you live your own life. I'm out here giving you tips, Matt. Isn't that what he said? Mardi Gras? The easy way in is to start a Mardi Gras. Then you work up your skill and you do it all the time. Man, that's what you do.

You wait for the Halloween parade every year and go around. That's my high holiday. Getting free falafel around the city. Free falafel. my holiday. Get free around the city. Have you ever had a family member's car be repossessed? I have. Yeah. What? That's Lincoln Aviator. Your dad. Yeah. Taking the bus that morning.

I'm a big guy. Hey, we're big. They got him in the middle of the night. I picture coming outside like way, way. They pay your big. They got him in the middle of the night. I picture him coming outside like, way, way, he's like, pay your bills, deadbeat. I would have those locked and loaded. Wow. The one, the videos with the dude that goes around, he has cameras all over the truck and he gets you. He sneaks in, pops it on, and he's gone.

And you just see some dude running after him down the street. They can scoop a car in like eight seconds. It's cool. Seems dangerous. Like, it's not really attached that well. Yeah. No. What? Oh, I think they get you out. And then they they secure. They get themselves into safety, I believe. Yeah, it seems like a dangerous.

If I see somebody getting into my car, it's like, well, I'm not going to do anything. But like, there's a chance. You want a free hamburger? I'll take you to Shake Shack. Don't do that. Come on. What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you you to Shake Shack. Don't do that. Don't do that. Come on, what are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

That's as much as I'll go. Hey, drop me off uptown. At least let me get my clubs out of the truck. Have you ever had the beef jerky cheese combo that stick together with the cheese? I don't even know what that is. Really? Put it on the screen. Wow.

You've never seen that? That is cool. It's a beef stick and a strip of cheese? In the state, like, that they're individually wrapped up. But they're together, yeah. I like it. Like a Jack Lee. They have the combos, yeah.

Yes. I get what you're saying. Have you? No. I don't fuck with them. Drinking alone here, boys. Ha ha ha! At table for one.

She left me. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I'll be by myself tonight. Ha ha ha! Let me follow up another one. Hang on. Have you ever returned anything to a grocery store? Wow. No, I'm not a big word. I mean, you're looking at me like obviously my people would be the type to do that. Make sure it's a nice day so you can get to the grocery store easy and then I don't think I have a grocery store. What was the last thing you returned? Are you returning guy? Oh, yeah, dude my special I just did another special

I bought two of Everything that might work for my clothes. Okay, and those are all going back and people like hey just so you know We have a this I'm like, oh, it's coming back. Uh-huh. Just expect this back. Yeah. If you wear it, are you gonna return it? No.

If I try it on, yeah, but not full wear out, no, I'll just keep it. Keep it, okay. This is another one. Have you ever tried clothes on not in the fitting room? I have. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's a shirt, you gotta go over to the fitting room. I'm not in you're going to be sitting pretty come tomorrow. It's going to really fit with the

job that it really. Yeah. I'll take this regular shirt off. You'll do that. Oh yeah. I'll try on a shirt. You'll you'll go topless at a Macy's. It's all right. I'll go into the store. I got told no key foods on fourth with Lewis once. It

was trying on underwear. Labor day. And I went there for a barbecue and like sir, no, you can't be in here with no shirt on. I was like, it's just not fucking America. You told us this. Oh yeah, I know you walked into our old building He tried to walk into the old studio and the guy at the front was like buddy. You can't go What are you doing? I got an appointment?

What I never say thank you response was I'm here to see the president Yeah, I hate going into the dressing room man cuz dude they'd lock I'm always scared someone's gonna sneak under there and steal my shit you gotta find somebody to go in there to get them what I don't like it now I try I try everything on I can and if I'm going there to try on pants I'm wearing just shorts and a pair of flip-flops so I don't have to tie my shoes and shit like that I want to be in and out I got one hit me please you ever paid off a credit card debt with another credit card no I just got a crack just got credit cards the past two years I didn't know you could

do that I never understood that it's like I should have come out of the whole bar in the meantime it real quick yeah I'm good for it see I told you I had it I'll be over at Visa's house they treat me like a gentleman have you no I never have. But that is a good move is to move around the money, get the 15 dollars, get the 15 or 100 dollars spending bonus and then shift it back, shift it back. Get those bonuses, bonuses. Plus the free tote bag.

Hello. And be an A for life. You had I'm sure for when they were doing this a lot at baseball parks, you would go and fake sign up for the credit card and get the towel or whatever they were selling. Oh, yeah, the college shirt. They were giving you away, yeah. Yeah, it's at college. Yeah.

That was a good one. They had to have, Chase was doing that on every campus for like 20 years. Just sign you up on a free college t-shirt. You're like, yeah, I'll be cool. You see other people with it. You sign up. Yeah, oh, cool. Free shirt.

No, this is at baseball stadium. You can go to kids' college campuses, too. So you put fake everything. Put fake everything put fake everything Yeah, you were able to get away They'd give you like a Metz towel big alright cool college campuses It should be illegal to prey on these kids who have no idea about finances I just who cares just a credit card don't spend your wolf and they just have it

Irresponsibly yeah, I don't know if you they were doing it when you were there But this is a little off-topic, but the sig man did the sig man used to come to the bars in Philly? Camel representatives or shit times more it was anybody really they come in and they had a black bag Yep And you had to they give them your your driver's license and when you would see them you would go Give me everyone's ID even if you smoke or not like all my friends who didn't smoke them like so you give me your ID Give me your ID give me your idea I'd be walking out with fucking eight ten packs of camel crushes Wow the double take advantage of yeah

Swinging out striking out that night. I was in a Lord of the Rings and It broke and And they're like we got to wait for the other one to be finished and then what broke the real brother projector Yeah, so they're like just wait so we waited like an hour they are we're giving everyone free tickets and Bobby Lee went got his free tickets and then was like give me your jacket and glasses and then went right back and most non-disguisable man they got another free ticket also at this point he's probably got some cash oh this is three months ago and I'm

surprised that work is you were probably both dressed up like Gandalf. I assume. Correct. That's Ari's natural habitat. Ari goes everywhere with the staff. That'd be cool if you started rolling around like that. It is. You do. You do have like a sensei wisdom vibe to you. Yeah. You are a very calming person to talk to.

You're just like, there you go. Just like calming yeah calming what should I say you don't pronounce it wait I say what do you say what do you say the fish that's uh that every it's salmon salmon salmon salmon you got that right calming what do I say the L for calm camming yeah it would be camming you down calm calm calm calm calm I'll calm you down. No you don't say the L Yes, you don't say calm Calm down

Hold on you just get class in the middle of this episode calm down. No, I say words wrong a lot I'm bad. I put out like a tail. I can't say towel or cowl Like I tail I can't say towel or cowl I'm bad. How who's saying cowl? I say like there was four cows in the street That's what I say even a cowl like what Batman where I thought you meant Simon cowl you mean you know Wait, does that say you say cow? Yeah, how do you say it? How cowl? Cowl yeah, there's four cows towel towel cowl

Cowl, cowl, wall. One dumbass. My boys used to make fun of me. Fifth grade, I realized it was bad. And I've, dude, shout out. I recognize this is wrong, but I don't know what I'm doing. I had to read out loud, that was even, I had to read out loud about whalers and sailors.

That was me, and I said the solars and the wallers and everybody. Shout out to Flip, dude. Flip hasn't let me live that down. You can't say cow. Cowl. Wait, what are you trying to say? Come on, be serious.

I'm not, this is- You're trying to say the animal? Yeah. Yeah. Cowl. What? Are you adding an L to it? Yeah, I, when I say- Just say cowa.

Cowa? Yeah. Cowa. I'll Bunga Shout out to the sailors Solars in the wallows. I'm very self-confined. I'll talk around it. So I don't have to say it Wow like hey Let's eat some what's that animal that died for? hamburger Three hamburgers over there. Let's get some fresh tears on a couple of steed my friend

You're like a dirtbag onion. I know that's Billy accent cowl. It's funny. It gets tall I got yeah, everyone in my family says it that I received the purple burglar alarm videos Yeah, I tell us Scottish guys a purple burglar like what is this like? Just read it like why like it's a fun game like Purple back to the brains break. They can't get through it like what? Crazy It's crazy In the in the vein of credit cards this one is I mean we have all had to do this ever prematurely put all your bills on auto pay

Like you didn't have that oh you don't do auto pay. No. Wait, what is it? Like I set up auto pay. He don't do auto pay. To do what? To pay my bills and then I don't have the money in there. And I have to go either overdrafts or I went oh fuck. I've never had to overdraft for that. I just do it. Are you doing auto pay? Yeah, I don't want to remember. Really? I'll forget. I'll get late charges all the time. Huh. I'll get consistent late charges late charges That's all I have the money. I figured you would wait to the last second look over the thing irresponsible I know I'm Jewish, but I'm also irresponsible might send the check with the wrong date filled Sorry, I didn't sign this one. I might buy spectrum now because I'm fucking a at my apartment Hey, don't a couple of cows cows I can't I can't sign up for- Don't touch his ears. That's why I got him covered. These aren't even plugged in. These are earmuffs Uh, I fucking my cable gets shut off every two and a half months. That's how I know I have to pay it

Wow still if I'm on the road, my wife will go you got to pay the bill I like to do it. I don't want them double charging me like that cuz I'll get jammed up. I do it myself I take the whatever the Sunday is before the end of the month and I take 20 minutes I go over and I pay all my bills smart kid Let's talk about fume shout out to fume and og a partner of ours. Oh, yeah been around for a minute over there And they keep improving they don't settle settle, which the first round was fantastic. They just keep making these things better and better. They do.

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Saying hey, they're gonna suspend your license cuz you didn't pay bills. I'm like, well, did we get any fucking letters? It was like no, you gotta take a head to a spot. You have seven days to respond. You're spending your license I'm like, nah, I'm not running it. I'll pay the fine. Did you do it? I sent it in and said, I'm sorry. I'll pay the fine, and we'll see what happens. I just had the same thing.

Wait, what was the charge? My registration. Speeding past a cop who was pulling someone over. They didn't send that to you in the mail? He's like gave it to me, and I had to write a thing. Wait, you got pulled over? Yeah, I got pulled over. You did. He left. He left the job he was on and went and got you.

I think he just finished that and he goes, you were going fast. I was going pretty fast. Oh, so you got pulled over. He gave you the ticket. You never paid the ticket. The deal is if he's pulled someone over, there's no one to catch you. Now I agree with that. Either way, you got the ticket in your hand. So there was nothing coming in the mail. You're supposed to pay that.

What the fuck if it falls out the window they just going to jail window I don't know you're good to cleaning your car now he's not wrong they should have to send you a certified letter that is a mail you one that he's got a point now yes they do 30 days to straighten that out you don't need another you don't need another reminder and you can just go online to what if you will lose a thing what if somebody leaves your pocket because someone else takes it off which I've done to Put on my own car before oh so high dirt bag move That's some genius shit

Have you ever had like a fake plaque like a firefighter or anything like that put oh wow no I knew our alma doctor all the time my 95 Chevy Lumina the ass man I I like those guys. You're like no. I have a friend's of the place I we have some oh, yeah, but those guys who think I could get you out anything I'm like you think is gonna get you a murder now anything To get out of jail free car. It's a light speeding ticket Oh sure if you are in 25 over or if you get jammed I've seen those work back in the day because we had a lot of a lot of cops at firemen that came to the restaurant I worked on the upper east side shut out the Martells if you got jammed up bring it up on the screen or tells if

You got jammed up in the streets or something It's like you were drinking and you know There was maybe a scuffle and they came up when you pulled that out they would tend to lean your right go home Yeah, yeah, that's nice I've only pulled over speeding once, and the guy got me, and he goes, you know why I pulled you over? I was like, yeah, I was fucking cooking, man. And he's like, what?

I was like, yeah, for sure. And he's like, yeah. I said, yeah. He's like, you got guts, kid. He's like, all right, here's your ticket. I was like, all right. He's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah, just give me whatever you need,

and let me on my way. It's so wild, the difference between having no money and just having some money, where if you get a speeding ticket, you're like yeah, just give me whatever you need and let me on my way It's so wild the difference in having no money just having some money where if you get a speed and say like mm-hmm Oh, I know. I don't want to pay $250, but I'll just pay it. That's the fine. That's correct That's how you do what that's not money to me. I just I just don't want to I mean I Just yeah, I would pay with a fucking credit card right there, so I don't forget it Shafer you want the money? I never want to be in like a thing with like a cop like no What do you mean? I'm allowed just yeah, whatever you got to do this give it to me I'll take care of it. They got goddamn quotas. You know what the deal is. Yeah, yeah

It's like I do his job. What gives you shit you got banged out you get banged out I have the quarter give me some quarters. Let's call it even I still owe that You can bang that quarter quarter give here some quarters. Let's call it even I still owe that That might be a parking. I stole that speeding ticket by the way you might not take that you drop change Takes a badge off like let's fight as a man Yeah, you take the heat you keep it yeah, I said I was sincerely he was like hey, I'm doing my job I got you can worry worry about you guys speeding passes You're injuring one. It's like you're right. Just give me a ticket. I was like hey, I'm really sorry that sucks Check out my specials you like you took at the ticket. I know yeah When you get pulled over you don't give them the well, what do you mean if I know I'm right?

I'm like no no man. There was a turn on that lane. They are wild. I saw a turn thing on the lane That's why I went there Sir, you're driving from the passenger seat Have you ever chewed on one side of your mouth because you had a bad tooth for an extended period of time Yeah Not too long ago I was jammed up I think my wisdom teeth are coming in or something and it gets tight every now and then I just got to switch sides Waiting for your nuts to drop keep it moving. Did we get the cold tooth on one side for no reason for a week? Yeah

Getting a toothache on a Friday is one of my biggest because you're fucked Never been a fear of oh, I've sat and find a 24-hour 24-hour dentist, but my teeth were bad. No, I couldn't I had to go get them good now, dude What are you talking in there from are gone? They're hanging in there? Do you have any pulled teeth? Are you have all your teeth? Oh? Fake fake no, no, do you have do you have any holes in your mouth? Yeah, yeah feelings I'm a skateboarder Somebody who only ate sugar for fucking nine years straight what What uh, do you have fake? I'm missing three Oh my god, I got plenty of room in there

You think you'd be thinner He's working overtime All right, this was some Ethan ever floss with your hair I Feel you have you for sure that's crazy no fingernails sure Fingertails and toenails lies that you are that disgusting but also worried about that. Yeah Yeah, the highest level of that guy's got all his teeth I'll tell you that much. If I, I could see it though but it

doesn't, it, they're not, it's not strong enough. It's not strong enough. Yeah. If you have super long, yours would probably do about right. Mine wouldn't. But then like, I, what? Just go get flossed. Sure. Or don't floss that day. How

often are you flossing? I can't pull it out. Almost never. I get into a good habit of like a week straight every seven years. Those are pretty good numbers. No. You going to the dentist a lot though? Yeah, he says I'm fucking it up. Really? Yeah, consistently.

Let me see your teeth. You got good chompers. Good chompers. Are they all real? Yeah, I had um... You have braces? You have braces? Yeah.

What's it gonna say? On your legs? On his ears. That's the thing. I went to see a dentist in Ecuador and she was like why because it was like I'm there I'm as well get check and trying to get pills or something. What are you doing? What a shitty vacation? You got a travel podcast. I would do I Bored on vacation Ecuador. I figure I go get a check. I'm not a well-traveled man. You know that

I love the places that I've been to Yeah, I would have to be fucking hunched over dying to walk into a hospital or a dentist office in another country. I hear you. Mount Sinai. I guess. Get me back to George. No fucking way.

Well, so what do you have to do? You would use a first quadrant one, two, three, four. She goes, Oh, that's great. You're doing great. And then there's like, Oh, that's a real problem and then like oh, yeah fuck you're fucked You just went to get a checkup. Yeah, she's like you can these are impacted gums. You gotta get surgery I'm like how long were you in Ecuador for that surgery in Ecuador? Yes, she goes. I was like all right I'll do when I get home was leaving a week later She goes you know people take vacations here to do this kind of surgery. That's what they tell ya.

That's a used car salesman. Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about then, I guess. How was the work? Great. I was like, where did the doctor go to school? She went, Harvard Medical School. For dogs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Canine right a bit of a rat if he has me here's a social question for you guys Please have you ever smoked a cigarette to avoid talking to new people? Oh my god. That's the only reason I still smoke Ari

Heater right now Get away from this Ari Schaeffer man as soon as I walk into a place I scope it I'm right out we we do we do the same thing we go around We'll make guys you go heater and I get and we get out Let's get comfortable if it wasn't for Smoke if it wasn't for cigarettes, I would have probably killed myself at nine weddings throughout my wedding It's such a good excuse. I have to go outside and do this. So hey It also creates this you're like, yeah, you're good I'll link back up with you in an hour if we bump into each other at the bar,

whatever, we can end. It's a good out. Nothing worse than you have a good conversation like, I wanna be done with it now. I can see on your eyes, you wanna be done with it too. Who's gonna come up with an excuse? I use bathroom, cig, and drink. Immediately.

And I won't use drink if they need a drink. I'll make sure they got a drink, and I go, I'm gonna go catch a heater. If they have a drink, I go, I'm gonna go grab a drink. Do you need one? They go, nah, I'm full. I go later, nerd. I'm in the wind. I'm outside with fatty catching one. I gotta go out in Ecuador and get my teeth cleaned. I did that not too long ago where I used the bathroom as an excuse, I

think five times and I just went and washed my hands. You have to go though, because if you don't, if you get sidetracked, if I'm like meeting somebody and then I go to the bathroom and you're like oh hey what's going on? I'm in the back of my head going they're gonna see me not going to the bathroom. Touch of the P.R.E. What you don't want to talk to me? Have you ever faked wash your hands? Cheers. Just like run them under an empty sink. Where if like, if you're in a public bathroom. Just grab the paper towel. And someone knows your.

You pissed. Like you pissed like if they're at the urinal next to you but can't see you fucking shh. No. Really? That is like leaving a note saying I'm so sorry I hit you on a, here's no information on a car. Sure.

You always wash your hands? No, but I don't fake it. I'm proud of who I am. This is a goddamn animal this guy, I'm trying to keep up appearances Oh my god You do it to sink Like my fucking trash friends, he's got good nipples. I don't like them babies Have you ever used paper towels on a pit bull you like date Marie. There's four of them in a row what the fuck

Got to use an Ecuador have you ever used paper towels to dry off after a shower Believe I have yeah in pitches every use paper towels toilet paper I have yeah in pinches ever use paper towels toilet paper Here's the key because you don't want clog up a toilet in strips. Oh, yeah strips don't use a whole thing I only need one you got to remake your own say that size wasn't made for flushing They should make toilet paper thicker out of the out of that paper towel It would be honest something you know would be pretty good? Make the pipes bigger. What are we doing? Sometimes you go to someone's classy's house

and they have, it's not that classy, but classier than paper towels. It's like the thick, it's between a tissue, it's like out of a pole, but it's a paper towel. You know what I mean? It sounds like a tissue box that you can pull out, but they're like thicker. Oh, I've seen those.

I've seen those. At like steak houses kind of. Yeah, but that's too much. Oh, I know what you're talking about. those. At like steak houses kind of. Yeah, but that's too much. Oh, I know what you're talking about. It's almost like shanty material. But the stands are a little thick. Like Kleenex made. No, the stand has them, yes.

Yeah. You wash your hands, I take those home with me. Those are great, dude. Those are at the beach. Bring that to the beach. You gotta go down though, because you go up and you got that drip water into it. So Kleenex has a thing. So you get 30 and wash them out.

Kleenex has a thing that's, it's angled and it's supposed to replace your cloth towels and you it goes against the wall let me see and it goes down and it goes you pull it down is there liquid on it like like what's it called um what's the stuff that everybody uses the hand stuff Myers no the hands a towel soap sanitizer yeah what's it called what's it pure this you do this yeah it's upside The hands a towel soap This you do this yeah, it's upside down yeah, they say It's this you and you pull it out so the water doesn't get it the water doesn't get it down Yeah, so the water doesn't get where like you don't drip over the whole stack because if you get a towel Soaks in the next two towels, so you got to take 30 and throw those away Oh, I have one drop of water. It soaks into the next two towels.

So you got to take 30 and throw those away after the next one. That's not cost effective. This guy's, I told you, count me, loves it. You bring a bed pillow to the couch. Yes. Yeah, I love that. Couch bells, no shame.

You're just not doing every job I need. No. Why don't they get there? They just don't get there. How about this? Let's invent stuff on the spot. You know how they have that middle seat in the back that goes down?

There's also a cup holder. I love that. Unzip to a smaller, thinner pillow. Unzip a couch pillow cushion. There's a little zipper. Wait, I'm lost. OK, you have a couch pillow cushion from here to here. It's about this thick.

Yeah. There's a little zipper. It pulls out a thing this thick and only like regular pillow size. What do you do with that? You're ready to take a nap, unzip. Wait, is this in a car? Are we in a car?

No, couch. I'm saying the same way the thing pulls down and gives you another option. Oh, okay. You can unzip your couch cushion to a regular napping size pillow. Why are you fighting me? What attitude I'm getting? It doesn't make any sense. I feel like I've had bad invention before. to a regular napping size pillow. Why are you fighting me on that?

That attitude I'm getting. It doesn't make any sense. I feel like I've had bad inventions before. This isn't one of them. This is not one of them. Ari, we don't like your nipples, and for that reason, we're out. I'm just asking for $50 million

and to talk to the president. Is it too much to ask? Take a break from your fucking child trafficking wayfair and just just design us one little but where's it by the arm? No, no, it's in everything. It's in the fucking couch cushions You know and then there's three or four heavy fucking pillows and then in that you can unzip half the width of it Okay, with a bit like how a paper towel has the line in the middle, you're not Yeah, we got it yeah Pillow like it like an airplane pillow but on a bigger scale. Yeah.

Okay. You don't need the back at that point. Foley just agreed. I don't see why you're fighting me. Foley just say yes and move on. I think he's going to hit me. Every time with you guys, you fuck me over so much. I don't get it.

That's a great idea. I thought you had one of those pull down things with the cup holders on your couch. That's as an example of I thought you had one of those pulled down things with the cup holders on your cat Example of something I could do two things you can push it back up and use it as a back sure But then when there's no one sitting there you can have a cup holder or play it play high seat Whatever play what high eight whatever with the fuck the game Already son or have a little travel battleship Sure whatever you say Here's my other adventure. Okay, you're going to a party,

people like us, a little awkward around new parties. Is it convenient? Hey, don't drag me in with your craziness. When you're doing a lap and taking a heater, slow conveyor belt with a full one-way mirror in, two-way mirror, so you can see the party. Before you go in? It takes about two full minutes of you watching,

you can hear it, they can't see you, getting used to everyone there, slow, even if you're like, I'm ready to be you go in about two full minutes of you watching you can hear it They can't see you getting used to everyone there slow Even if you're like I'm ready to be done two full minutes and you think I'm on the spectrum And then when it's out this guy you go to the party this guy wants a dry run of a party Yeah, so you want the house to have a two-way mirror all the way around this one is less cost-effective Hey, you're bogging us down here We're we're brainstorming anything and you slowly go in get the feel of where the pockets are Who you want to talk to so you don't get it soon as you walk it Oh, here's some chudda gonna talk to Foley's over there. I wish I knew you didn't even know now, you know

I'm going right for full. I'm in with a game plan. What about this? We got a little more cost-effects Oh, holy Foley sees you he goes out smokes a heater Come on you just got a lamp You just get a lampshade, put that on your head, and you kind of just move around the party like you're not there. Oh, yeah. And then when you're interested in something,

you take it off. Guys, I'm not a lamp. It's me, Foley. Yeah, that's the Karate Kid. Where's the shower curtain around him? You guys ever been to talk about catch pillows? OK. Oh, man, we're out of Yinglings?

I'm sorry, I took one. Can you see if there's any more Yinglings in there, new guy Luke? I got, we have a, dude, hold on. I wanna show the homie, or the everybody, the mismatch of beer we have. We have Brooklyn Winter IPAs, we have Bud Lights. Oh, Christmas Ale, that's new.

Christmas Ale. We got Heavy Bike, Mikolov. Woo! For the Asian fellows of the audience. Sapporo. I know you had a Sapporo. You want one? Hit me.

I'm almost there. There you go, get there big guy. I mean, this is a real, real, I want one hit me. I'm almost there. There you go. Get there big guy I mean, this is a real real mismatch of what we got It's like Robin here. It's like Robin Antony's fucking liquor can Can I recommend a new beer because you guys are fucking have some pull right now here we go Sam Adams for pack It's it's uh look October Regular Sam Adams October fest no so it's like Halloween

October fest and a flannel. The flannel is amazing, they should keep it on, and October Fest, obviously, that's one of the best beers, the October Fest. What does flannel beer taste like? Wait, don't be late, hold on. It's like a porter, it's like a Guinness, but smoother. You got pull with them.

You used to. I'm an American, I'm an American. Yeah, I did do a Sam Adams commercial. You did, I remember being I remember being like Ari Ari's like when I have a best pal I reach for a fight I'm like Ari goddamn Ari Shaffer's got beer money. You did a Sam Adams commercial I'm embarrassed of a few things in my career hit me under five and one of them was doing a serious Sam Adams commercial The other one is that shirt how you doing? As Adam Ray would say we'll be right back walk on on law and order sure how you doing as Adam Ray would say we'll be right back walk on on law and order what are the other things you're embarrassed of I mean I can assume one there's a movie no only commenting on it was the mistake was that I felt bad

about even explaining it to people that that Bobby Kelly comments like I saw your Sam Adams commercial like yeah he goes why didn't you make any jokes in there aren't you a comedian cuz I'm a corporate They wrote the check took me to comedy court, and I lost I pled guilty it was I respect that yeah It was awful cuz you're very pro jokes Gorgeous one he goes who I want to thank you to make us do thanks to my who I want to thank is my is my first Wife Christina positski that's funny

jokes already jokes Already like who did you say what they pay for that same? It was commercial give me the real number 2.4. Mill They pay me in Reno I got a lamp shade a lot of comp meals though Okay, if they are brought me that I think it was like a lot. I think it was like 20 grand Really something nuts Theo called it was like hey man. I got some fucking money for you, and I'm like I you called the right guy Yeah, I'm a little connection, and then it was like okay Have you ever turned crew socks into ankle socks not me never no cut them

They don't have a hole now you fold them down or fold the front under No, really? God well now have you ever cut sweatpants into sweatshorts and found out the hard way how they roll up on you My dad had a pair I would wear that didn't roll like they rolled good You know what I mean? Yeah a little fucking crease. Oh, I know what you're talking about every time I try to Yeah, I looked homage I remember finding out what a hem is at the bottom of jeans cuz I tried to just cut jeans Sure and realized how he's looking around and I don't like it. I want a bottle opener. Oh

Thanks, I know it's on the side of the fridge Could, you just said something i was just looking for i thought he was gonna start fucking stealing You, gotta keep a fucking short leash on this guy, what's wrong with that you, want to open it i? Mean you're right there you get over and open it for our friend i don't like this He's got sam adams money for our friend I don't like this got Sam Adams money get out of my sight to get up make me sick we were on birth cruise and fucking new guy Luke was with us and we were all to table as we're all gambling. It was me, Bert Foley, Norman, Sean Patton, someone else. It was like a fucking... Nice crew. Sean Patton. Sean Patton. New show coming out this fall, right? Yes, sir. English teacher.

He's on my podcast next week. Check out Sean Patton's new show on FX. But we were sitting there and Norman's like, can your guy get me a beer? I'm like he's not my personal assistant. We're on break bro. He's like he's like I'll do a beer if you get me and I literally looked at Luke. I'm like dude. I'm sorry I'll make this up for you. You gotta go get him a drink. Who, Burt said that? Norman. Oh Norman. Norman calls him the Admiral. He was pinned in though. Yeah, he does call me. Yeah, still owes me for that. He does. He was pinned in though. There was like, he couldn't really get out. Yeah, cuz yeah. The dice are hot, you can't be leaving to get a beer. Yeah, of course. Of course. Now when you got a lackey right there. Can your guy get me a beer? What are his responsibilities? What am I allowed to use? Yeah, and I was just like, dude, I was like, that's going to put me in a bad spot with him. I

send him as a gopher, but I'll do it. Have you ever used air freshener to spray yourself with? Oh god. Yeah, I think I have. Recently. Yeah. I did it not too long. I got a jacket that holds heaters in in the winter. I do it to the bottom

of my jeans. If I'm in a bathroom that has a air freshener, I'll do a little spray in there. Okay. Right in the crotch. Yeah, I mean, it's better than not. Oh, Ari! What the fuck was that? Ari!

And who you texting over there? No, he's looking at it. He's looking at it. He's got questions. He comes prepared. This is why I fucking love Mr. Ari Schaffer. He comes prepared. He's had five, your fifth time on yet five different unique episodes

Yeah, this guy comes to fucking play lucky already my eggs they are Lucky eggs we're driving back from failure spit eggs all over my restaurant. I'm like oh wait. I recognize this restaurant What are we oh? I know I sat here and ask questions. I wrote questions for you guys last time I just finished that legal pad of yours really yeah, yeah, just last episode just last episode I got one okay hit me have you as an adult have you ever lied about having read a book that you did not read That's an actual a YG give me for those views are you out of your mind? I've recommended You gotta read this But I know the story,

cause somebody told me. Somebody told it to you. Oh yeah. So you get by in school. You just listen to the discussion. I feel I have Aria on this one. This is from Ryan. Ever ate continental breakfast

at a hotel you weren't staying at? Boom. Secret of life. Oh, he probably did that today. I'm on this continent. I deserve it. He shows up in a Hilton and an Idleheart New York shirt. You know what I did read this pretty good?

Did you ever read Love in the Time of Cholera? Did you? No. Highly recommended though. You should. How great is it when someone's telling you- Let me know what they say. When someone's telling you about a show and you're like, I don't want to spoil it for you. You're like, no, I'm not going for you like no I'm not gonna watch yeah, yeah, I always this is much not gonna get this good say the whole thing

Give me something I can talk to people about a wedding so I'm gonna smoke some of that actually no what about we're gonna Get you either. I'll be right back Do you know there's no deer and baby reindeer? Have you ever dropped a baby What Have you ever dropped a baby? Fuck! What? Seriously? Yeah, I've dropped a baby. Not like, not like bad. Not off a ledge.

It wasn't a dare. I shook night. Pick it up, they wriggle in a way you're not expecting. As I was picking one up, and I've always been very scared of it, because, it's funny, there's book. I didn't read called iron weeds Now there's a movie with Jack Nicholson called iron weeds where it's in the depression and he said he's an alcoholic and he's an alcoholic Because he dropped his baby and the baby died and I watched that and I got the income But he scared the shit out of me

I was always a mo any time I hold a baby I hold it really careful, and I was a kid when I dropped his baby That's what Kurt Kobe committed suicide he dropped his fucking kid and and and quarter loves it What the fuck's wrong with you when he started going what is wrong with me get out of here? It's one of the reasons possible also We hanging out with Kurt loader He did MTV News It's happened a couple times. I have a a lot of times I come from an orthodox family. We have all my

Kids are everywhere you pick it up and then drops usually my first When I get into a parking like I tap the guys bumper it's not oh shit it who saw yeah Yeah, first one who saw can I get away with this? I don't have ever I have a lot of kids in my family I don't think I ever dropped like as you're picking one up or not on their head Yeah, there was a homerun question that I forget the guy's name, but it was a came in on patreon It was have you ever been dropped as a baby? Wow yeah, I Assume I have at some point. I've been knocked around a little bit as a kid to be honest with you

This one's funny. This is from Joseph. Have you ever fake coughed on the phone while calling out of work? I got a fucking drink on what? Say it again Have you ever fake coughed on the phone while calling out at work? Yeah, you did that to me today to get out of this I was crashing one time really bad and didn't want to go into work and I called my boss and was like And didn't want to go into work and I called my boss and was like hey, man. I'm fucking dying. I'm real sick Uh-huh, and then just to drive it home I called them right back and I just Susie picked up I was like dad dad real sick, man

He's a Henry. No, it's it's me. It's me Billy it's okay. It's okay Sorry, man, I gotta come first, I'm a coy man, bye bye. That's pretty good, though. That's pretty, that's not bad. You are a thesby. I'm a scumbag.

You sold it. Fucking Rosie O'Donnell over here. I got one. Do you own a bespoke suit? What's it like? Some bespoke post? What's a bespoke suit? Louie, the follow up question.

Do you know what bespoke means? No I don't. Bespoke pose is one of our sponsors, but I know bespoke means something else. It's like travel or something, isn't it? It's handmade. I do. Nice buddy. I never got the, I wore it once. No.

Oh yeah, I have to drink? Well we didn't know if it's all right. Oh wait. You don't oh yeah Yeah, you don't know yeah, you gotta drink twice Yeah, why cuz you don't you don't know one and you don't know what the spoke me No, I own it. I own it. I own a bespoke suit a handmade. Yeah, okay. I got a lot of hands You fucking ice I know what I'm lying to you real sick. I'm sorry You guys should do this Every time when I go over to your fucking dance house, yeah, it's a good time right we should Yeah, you ever ruin a surprise party

No, but man, oh I Know you ever been surprised When I was a kid I hated it no No, but I ruined one I ruined a 21st birthday one what yeah, it was my ex-girlfriend's house her parents hated me and I was tripping on acid and they just bought in this house. It was a big party in the bottom. Purchased cowl cowl cowl. They bought it from a bunch of cows.

Couple of hours and sellers. And she was coming back from work. Everybody was down in the basement. They'd been playing in it for months and she was supposed to walk in the front door. And then they're going to be like, yeah, there's something down in the basement and go down to the basement. They just refinish the basement. It basement was beautiful but they had one of those storm basement doors you know that open up like that and don't go doors yeah and I went out there and was and was smoking with somebody and then she started

coming in and we heard the mommy oh she's coming she's coming she's coming and I was too slow to get in and she saw me come in but we didn't know that so we're all facing the stairs upstairs and then all of a sudden behind us we hear what are you guys doing? And man, I was tripping a face. Fuck. That's a tough one. That would change the fucking trip. You think? That would change it hard. I got out of there. I went out for a couple of cigs. I'm going to hit the banter. I'll be of there. I went out for a couple of cigs Wait the banter. I'll be right back I'm gonna hit the head and fake wash my hand and it took like a good half an hour for things to get back to normal I remember the look at her mom's eyes. She's like

I mean I got a couple more. You ever is from Billy. Have you ever held on something on top of your car instead of strapping it down? No, no. It was rebar. It was rebar and a Dodge neon. That's crazy. They just spilled beer all over the notebook.

Oh, no. This is the notebook. no hmm this is the notebook thank you Luke I apologize man oh this one's funny you ever need CPR I've never needed it that doesn't seem like trash or not I know it's like you're probably rooting around and something you shouldn't be doing ever done it if you're gonna give somebody CPR thank you no no anybody mouth-to-mouth it's the cracking the ribs that I can't no way I can't do this Well, I don't think you do that anymore. I think it's just breathing. I don't think there's any

To mouth to mouth you just do saw but I think they didn't give consent. It's about yes exactly me too You get soft chest compressions. I believe well They say if somebody has a heart attack or something like that, which you'll probably find out someday It you would not bring you back to life. You just start kicking me. Get up, you fat fuck. I know you're faking it. Now, I can't get out of work and we have to record.

If somebody passed out like that and you do mouth to mouth, they can throw up in your mouth. Now we're talking. You could get like you try to get me hard. Just die. Just die. Like like liver disease or something like that from it. Oh, OK. I mean, don that from it. Oh, okay. I mean, don't drink it. Well, it just goes in, right? Have you ever stolen an umbrella?

Not from a store? Like a person? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll give you that. That's the one thing I do steal. You find a nice golf umbrella? It's New York.

They're free. Secret tip on life. You don't want to piss. You don't want to fuck somebody over. It's raining all day. They came in their umbrella. They put it down. I don't think that no I never done it when it's raining No, right, but cuz they're gonna come take it the next day when it's been sunny all day long That means someone left this yeah

Raining take it on the way home. Yeah stock up. I've left one. I chalk it up to like the New York ecosystem I've left one on the subway and then I was on the subway and I saw somebody get up and leave it and they got off. They were gone. I'm like, oh, that's now mine. Yeah, I've never taken like if it was raining and somebody came in with one and put it down and it was wet and I walked out with it.

It was always sitting in there for like a day or two. Yeah, exactly. Especially if you see the guy, that's like eating fucking fries off someone's plate at Denny's and you see him get up. It's like- It's a weird analogy. I'll take a sip on that. It's like a weird analogy That's a specific in a curly fries over you can't go to waste um all right you ever kiss your dad on the lips

What the fuck no it was young we just do the gargoyle reposers we didn't know what The wild time have you pinky sweared in the last 365 days no no That's a binding contract look string get wait what the fuck You fucking weirdos I did side off on that keep my secret safe. Are you doing business deals via pinkies where? So hold up in hell It seems like I mean I got we got we got to wrap it up, but I got one or two more maybe brothers What have we done blood brothers now like cut the hand cut the hand I did it once with the kid in in my grade school But we're all just watching too much of thorns. We were bleeding so like let's be blood brothers

And we did and then her mom his mom was like hey That's cute. No, just we don't want that chip you don't ever do that again with anyone I can't you're too young to explain to you why you can't just don't ever do that Take your hepatitis and shit. Yeah, I was hoping fingers crossed Gang yeah, mr. Ari Schaffer goddamn home run Ari Schaffer the Always a blast or cooking what he got I got nothing. He's in the city special coming out in January Have a good time. I love it, buddy. We love you so much. This was so much fun. Yeah, sure keppy

What do you got for him? Love you, pal Guys, we are all of route 66 starting Chicago and in LA eight cities, Oklahoma City, St. Louis, Tulsa, Albuquerque Weeks we're coming soon, baby. We got a bus We're shooting the whole thing and then obviously Philly parks casino very few tickets there. I get those We love you. Thank you for the support. Love you gang. See you next week. Peace