Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - The Bomb Squad w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Ian Fidance! This episode, no one is safe. You know Ian Fidance from stand up comedy, Bein' Ian with Jordan, Kill Tony, The Joe Rogan Experience, The Adam Friedland Show, First Date, Stavvy's World, Your Mom's House, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Harland Highway and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Factor: Get started at https://factormeals.com/garbage50off and use code garbage50off to get 50% off plus FREE shipping on your first box. Brunt: Get $10 Off at BRUNT with code GARBAGE at https://bruntworkwear.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hachi machi gang that back on the block tour is coming to a city near you so grab the entire squad and come on out and see the boys stand up comedy and then we play a little RU Garbage with the crowd. It's a good good time. Yeah we got Atlantic City, San Francisco, second show out at Portland, Seattle, Braya, California, Burlington, Vermont, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester, and Toronto. All tickets available at rugarbage.com. Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester, and Toronto. All tickets available at rugarbage.com. Do it.

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's good

to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's up on the roof Threatening the jump Starting that bullshit early this year. I

told her jump My cows is coming at you right next to me Little too close keep what's that? He is the CEO of are you garbage trying to get away from the ashtray over? He is the CEO of are you garbage trying to get away from the ashtray over? Like a three alarm soot fire Buddy lay off the feet will you? Sweeping chimneys he is a CEO of are you garbage? He is an international business man He's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan everybody. What up gang? Shout out to you as always. Thanks for tuning in. Make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube.

Full video available over there on Spotify, part of the creators program. The greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. So I'll show you garbage over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir. And how about a nice big shout out to our good pal back with us again today. He's family. He's absolute family. He can't get rid of me. The meds aren't working. He just darted in from Penn Station.

Yes. He has enough luggage for the weekend that he had. Yes. As if he was Ja Ja Gabor. That's crazy. I came from, I went from Rochester to Los Angeles to Philadelphia to Delaware and now I'm here. Playing the big markets. Rochester, Delaware. You look like you should be sold outside of a gas station. Put that up. What? Ian Fidance ladies and

gentlemen. Our good friend Ian Fidance is with us today. Thanks for coming Shmeaham. Thank you for having me, fellas. Always. There's something very Bob Ross about you today, even more so. You have some good color or something. Did you go tanning? Thank you. I was in Los Angeles. Wow. And then walking around Philadelphia. And then. What did you go to in Philly?

Sat on the front porch, front steps of my mom's house outside sunshine. And power lines got you? Got zapped. What did you do in Philly? Any of the old haunts? Did you go around? Did you get any good food? What's a guy like you?

You're headlining a nice weekend down there. You go hand out flyers or something? What did you do? It was awesome. He's barking. Packed it out. We're big fans of packing it out. Yes.

It's not sold out, but it's packed out. Not so close to sold out. Punchline. Close. That's a big room. Host, feature, and headliner. Oh, me? Save a little money.

You got more money. I commuted from my mother's house in Delaware. I kept the travel buyout for myself. Did you really? No. I stayed at the hotel. The only guy to ask to pick up a waiting table station while he's working Hey guys, what a features up. I can do some food running I Just want 15% all gratuity. You know I can park cars until about 30 minutes into the show right just light them and I'll

What I do oh, I ate way too many cheesesteaks I ate them and all. What I do? Oh, I ate way too many cheesesteaks. Where'd you go? Oh, I went to Campos. I got gyms at 2 in the morning. The late show was rough. Had to eat it away.

And then I got Campos again. And then Gino's last night in. I wanted to go to Steve Prince's steaks, but I didn't have enough time. Let me do WMMR Friday morning at like 8 a.m. Which was awesome. And then I did some black show where it's for Fox Soul and Got a little feisty. I threw some honey chiles in there What are you talking about? Fox Philly 29. There's a Fox Philly soul station yeah it's it's Fox 20

they're lying dancing you shoot day you shoot it's been really y'all and now Ian Fodans with the weather Oh, please win. You're going to keep your hats on at the bus time. I sure pants They go they go in what do you think about this Drake and Kendrick beef and I go fellas I think that beef is expired. Yeah, you're the weirdest white motherfucker. I have a met expired. You're the weirdest white motherfucker I have ever met. Yeah, yeah. When we get this boy? I said you was a comedian. This boy comes straight out the school. Tattoos and turquoise jewelry? Shit.

You jerky. He ain't on my block. I'm not fucking coming here like a seminal. We have to cut this. What do we do? I'm sorry. Missy Ian, you a wild one. That's an old child you don't even know. You bring the spice, I'll bring the flavor.

Now I heard you like to get a little freaky deaky. I heard you like to swing both ways. Now I have here that to swing both ways. I have here that you swing both ways. So let's say you switch. You need a Lord. We would call that the DL. Just a regular black guy trying to figure you out. I guess is going straight to hell. We had Miss Pat on the podcast and she was like,

I ain't never been around something like this before. Oh my God. I was like, but you have a gay daughter. She's like, but she ain't like you. No. Tattoos ain't the only thing is colorful so the weekend was good weekend was good weekend was good once in your laugh house

did you board it up yeah we shaner and drew montana ended up getting coffee right across the street mm-hmm so we're just telling old philly stories and it was really fun. And then I went to read our record shit. What we can. What do you want me to say? I need a bunch of cheese steaks bombed on local.

I did. I crushed on local TV. Let me tell you, they made a clip. They liked it a lot. Got caught in a rainstorm. What do you want from me? Well, got broken up with in between shows. Now we get to it. Let the mania begin.

Didn't sleep much. Going off the rails on an ETA train. Ding-a-dong-a-ding-a-dong-a-ding-a-dong-a-dong. Go call me back. Ding-a-dong-a-ding-a-dong-a-ding-a-dong. I know where you live. I'm trying to kill yourself with cheese whiz. Walter it was funny. She broke broke out with me via text in between shows and we thought it'd be funny to take a picture with me and a knife up to my neck. You need to talk to me right now.

Rethink this. Who's the we? You and the other voices in your head? I thought I was at the comedy club. Turns out I was just on Tweldon Orange. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, sorry. Was this a new thing? Was it fresh? It had been a while. We met like two months ago.

OK. At a whirlwind week in L.A. I just was the way you had you had just met the last one when we did your podcast. You had. Oh, yes. So person. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You were razzin' at the time for that. Yes. Yes. So it was a long distance thing.

Yeah, but she came to visit New York. Really fun. And then when she went back to L.A., she was like, look, like I do. You are weird. That apartment is grody. I got it cleaned. I saw your Fox Soul segment.

And I've never been more in love So yeah, she broke was like look. I want to be like in a very committed relationship. I don't think we're gonna be Compatible and I was like, all right, they like threw me off. I mean two bad up two weeks later. I See her it was great. We get back together. I asked her if she wanted to go steady She said yes, and then We'll live at my mom's broke up with me two days later. Hope you like cats But there were like a lot of red flags. So when she was like, hey, this is you I was no with her I'm a green flag. What I'm a fun time guy

What did name a red flag about me? Hmm... Can't, see? Hey, hey, can I get your tongue? It starts and ends with the rings. These are good! That's too much silver! No, it's not!

Are you hunting vampires? The rings are good, because when they come off, it means business. My eyes go black like a of crow and only fingers yeah maybe that was something ah do you have anything in her place that you have to go back and get just a bunch of minion stuff I gave her red flag number two she told me she really loved the minion rides at Universal hey I told you I've never seen the movie okay I said they're kind of cute. I stole her a bunch of minion stuff and gave her one,

and then the more I gave her, the more I had to be like, ah, this is a joke. Are you gonna ask him for them back? Yeah, can I please have my minion bucket hat back, please? You and the minions all in the car driving across country. I'm gonna be, he's in the back seat. He's not even driving. I said left! We'll find her soon!

I can't think of why she decided to do that. As you think about it. He asked her to go steady. She said okay because she didn't. She was afraid in the moment. And then he sent her a bunch of minions. And then a picture with a knife up to his throat. No, no, no. That was a joke. I didn't send it. Should I?

It was a gun. We were bouncing bits. I'm sorry to hear that, pal. No, it's totally fine. You got the whole summer ahead of you. summer headiest look at that freewheeling single Ian summery e look out. Yes. I'm on the road. No one's safe Charles Lock your doors by the way, I got tested negative What is a spectrum I don't know but it ain't cable baby.

This guy's direct TV. Hey someone go up there and move this guy's dish. The signal's coming in fuzzy. Ian don't work when it's raining. It's all scrambled. When I work construction I would call out when it rained. I don't like the rain. That's one thing you know about me. it rained. I don't like the rain. That's one thing you know about me.

Bye guys. I don't like the rain. I don't like the rain and I don't like wet socks. Henny, it's not happening. I don't like wet socks. These high heels are brand new. Dude, actually the guy. I gotta run in my stockings.

The guy who taught me how to be a carpenter. What's going on there, kid? You just wiped your face off. You just wiped all your features down two inches. I'm trying to grab my eyes, bring them to the front of my skull. Etch and sketch fight dance, everybody. Get near a magnet, your whole face disappears.

Stop shaking. The guy who taught me how to be a carpenter that I work construction with, he came to the gig Saturday night. Nice Yeah. Yeah, he yelled out manjana Was that your nickname on the job site? No, I used to do the manjana and put on the homeowners clothes So, what do you have planned for the summer I'm on the road every weekend baby, there you go, let's go Look at that. All over. Single?

Single, ready to mingle, doing my thing, having fun. A lot of cheese steaks to eat. I only eat that bad in Philly. I eat bad in Philly, too. I always eat bad in Philly. Ladies and gentlemen, this just in. Leave breaking news, I'm fat. Hey. We don't make those jokes around here anymore.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me just wipe my face off. It's weight challenged. Challenged, all right. What? It's eating challenged. Yeah. We're trying to challenge you to hit a punch line.

That I will not do just keep dumping ice on them get in there I've had one miss before that before we broadcast it was a one yeah. Then you said I look like I'm sold outside of a gas station. Whatever that means. I too. Two red flags. We're even. I got a lot of them. Uh yeah. We all do. Of course. Yeah. I'm pretty good. We're like the White

House with the flags flapping on the lawn. What? Okay. Now, you're on the bomb board. He's rubbing off on you. You mean the UN? Do me a favor, edit. Luke? How's your mom? She's doing well. She lost a lot of weight. We really had fun.

Oh, Zempik? We stay up and now the Wigovie. OK. Like the off brand. Sure. But she, dude, we stay up and watch horror movies. We watched Evil Dead last night. It was very fun.

Really, with your mom? Yeah, yeah. I feel like that would scare her. No, we like laughing at bad horror movies. We watch Evil Dead last night. It was really with your mom. Yeah, yeah I feel like that would scare her now. We like laughing a bad. She grew up with Ian so we yeah She's seen it all she gave her cold as I Scariest movie of all me. She's like hey, can you turn it up in his head spins around? She has watched the movie with you sitting on her shoulders like a parent She has watched the movie with you sitting on her shoulders like a parrot Now I really got it I mean Luke's looks every to comic he like this doesn't make sense

Fucking fingers are on fire doing live editing Quick dump the big man. He don't have it Blame me and play me and satellite dick Shit just cuts to just me all right. Well the big man is currently on the fritz. I got the hips I really have a feeling I'm never gonna say they're funny ever again I swear to God you're trying to throw an easy at the first kids getting donked in the outfield sidelines Yep I'm like a catcher in the outfield

Hi can I have that shit I swear to God I feel like I'm done I'll let feel with a hockey stick I'm like a concession guy with no hot dogs. Because you ate a- FUCK! Closed for business. Alls we got is apples and bananas left, gang. Like an astronaut who left his mask up. See? I'm done. You'll never work in this town again. Can I ask you this? Ask away! How do you do comedy? How do you become a headliner? Seriously. It hurts in between my ears. I want to ask

you this, I'm asking you this respectfully. I'm not being dirty. Just because you say your mom lost a little bit of, you know, loss some weight. Does she is she out there? Does she date? Does she? No, no. No, she's a social life, though. Right. She does. Yeah. Yeah. Her and her friends go out to dinner. She actually the first show Saturday, my buddy from high school drove her up to the gig.

She hung out with all my old friends. It was great. She got all wrecked. So she's gonna pipe again. No, no, no, dude, she got wrecked. Drink years ago. When she saw me in Delaware. It was like during the pandemic. It was like summer 2021. She got her friends kept feeding her drinks. She got hammered. I don't like drag around. She drink? No, they were just like gal. You're nervous drink and She nervous about it. He's a bear bombing. Yeah, I'm up there at God, he's got 38 minutes left. I was worse than Foley. I was at the new lab house in Wilmington

It was like a buffet room It was horrible and she's in the back and I they just did right up on me in the paper and I'm like, oh god Man off his meds Delaware's most influential right and and I made the list Wrestlers which may you may have been a part of I am an alibi They did a list of Delaware's most influential and then Delaware's most influential artists And I was at the bottom of the list and the guy up top was to twin brother Rolly Durbin to twin brother rolly derby stuff that's a big act I gotta learn how to skate just behind the men's and brothers

I was at their can I who's the men's in brothers with another to the men and as no nothing men and as is men's in I made it up yes I was improv and no way never again Hey, I'll give you an occupation later Give me a big rope I'm a heavy guy. Let's talk about factor meals. Shout out to factor factor factor.

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Our listeners get $10 off at Brunt by using code garbage at checkout. Just head to Brunt work where dot com use the code garbage and you'll be all set after the purchase. The last you where you heard about him telling a boy set. Yeah, we love you and thanks for our beak a little. Thanks for supporting the show. Now, how'd you get up here? You take the train, the bus?

Amtrak. Amtrak. Whoa, fancy. Okay. From Will. Mom dropped you off. Said goodbye, took the old Amtrak. You ride up in the front with the conductor? Yeah.

That works. No, but I missed. No, but I'm carrying all that luggage. Are you looking for a cold boy? Merch bag, I'm going through I got a dip the luggage is insane. It's I Hold on you took who has a neck pillow on a train? Huh you have a neck pillow out there, dude. I went from

Rochester I flew up to Rochester flew to Los Angeles Flew to fucking New York and took a train to Delaware. My mom picked me up. I drove to Philly. I've been in Philly all weekend, went to Delaware, and then now I'm back. I've been living out of a suitcase for like, I apologize. I didn't realize that you made a trip to L.A. Yeah. So this was right before the breakup. You have to bring that up again. I really know we're doing pretty well. Really going to go there, Henry. Well, I'm not funny anymore. We're doing pretty well.

We're really going to go there, Henry. I'm not funny anymore. I've got to go dramatic. I've got to get you crying. How does that make you feel? He called you a punta. Yeah, I've been living out of a suitcase for the past two and a half weeks. Okay. What do you have left? What's clean? I did laundry in Los Angeles and I did some

laundry in my mom's house and I'm quite a sweater. Do you guys have a machine here? Is there a creek nearby? I brought my own stands. I got a washboard. I just need a sturdy rock. Okay, that's nice. All right. All right. Yeah. How was Rochester? Good. Beautiful town.

Comedy. Comedy. Carlson. Yeah. Love it. I'm doing a I'm doing a travel show where I go to different towns and I do people's jobs. So they teach me how to do the job and I do the job. It's called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. Coming out on my YouTube page, YouTube.com slash Ian finance Don't turn on the Discovery Channel anytime soon. It's like dirty jobs meets a simple life. I think it's just dirty jobs.

No, because he did a lot of jobs in one episode. This is one job. This is a real thing. I thought you were joking. No, I'm telling you the truth. I'm sorry. I mean, a laugh at your pitch. What? But we're going to pass. I put it out on your channel. We're all booked up for the 20, 25. Dirty guy with dirty underwear. So WMMR is going to let me come in and be a DJ.

I'm going to I'm going to DJ with Jackie Bam Bam. Well, hold on. I've Jackie Bam Bam's voice has the most Philadelphia. I'm Jackie Bam Bam. And he doesn't look anything like you think. Jackie Bam Bam would look like. Give me this pitch again. I thought you were joking. Now, I'm Jackie Bay. And he doesn't look anything like you think Jackie Bam Bam would look like. Give me this pitch again. I thought you were joking. Now, what's the show? All the towns I go to.

OK, do a job to perform. Yes. Will you headline? Yes. I've been on the road every weekend and sound of the meaning for some. Yeah, I didn't mean it. I've been on the road. They're doing you skits. Get the pitches. I'm on the road every weekend of my life. If I don't do something, I'm gonna put a gun in my mouth

So instead of killing myself, I know that I'd want to do a job Not gonna walk with that on the channel Slow steps of suicide starting to get finance. Okay, so you did so what you do in Rochester in Rochester I cut hair. So my buddy is a barber. He brought me to a shop fetish taught me how to cut hair I gave a guy a haircut. Not good. I got my tattoo license in Appleton, Wisconsin. I tattooed a guy.

Who's filming this? Nobody. I have different. It's all up here. Once I get it to paper, it's gonna, it's animated. It's stop motion. Dude, I did, in Vegas, they opened up the BattleBots arena to me and I got to fix.

I got to a robot. I got to tinker around with a robot and then I got to control the robot. So you've done a couple of these. I've done a bunch. I'm backlogging them so I can release them. Who's filming them? I get different film crews. There's Red Stally media, these guys I use up in Maine and then Patrick Holbert.

Do you know that guy? Yeah, of course. He's fantastic. So he'll open for me and then come and film very nice and I'm having a blast man It's really really fun. So you've cut hair you played with robots you tattooed somebody. Yes, I worked at your heartbroken I worked at a lobster shop. Look at you little pulling at the heartstrings Motherfucker easy you're eating the mic Is it cake? Cake I'm sorry. I'm being an ass. So I'm gonna be a private detective in New York

Dude the funniest thing with with the battle bots is What you I'm like controlling the bot in this huge arena and there's all these people. It's like a Vegas show. I'm controlling this robot, I get one good hit and then the guy gets me in the corner and the wheels explode and in the edit they go back to me tinkering with that robot. I go, what happens if you miss a screw? Miss a screw.

Miss a screw. And then it shows a robot explode again. It's better on film. Talk about Holly weird. Better on film. Only in New York. You got a job out there and I'm in your town. Hit me up, I'll do it, let's hang.

I'm actually looking for a private eye. It's very fun. Yeah? Yeah. For what? Find my penis. Oh my God. Dude, are you for real? Is that real?

That was a gag. You need to find a private eye to find your timing. Oh my god. That was wild. You hang your punch lines down there too? What the fuck, Henry? Oh my god. Keep your jokes in your ball bag.

You know what the saddest thing is And I would have got it all back Jason dead Jason dead money, but it all on green. Oh god Good god. You just scratch off Black cat I wonder what that means That's good luck

Always walk under the ladders What's piano sounds bad look to walk under a piano. Those are the ones that fall on you, you dumbass! Cartoons! Oh my god. Oh my god. That penis line was delivered like it was 1963. Dude, in the edit can you do like my robot and make it go, my penis, my penis, my penis. God, he's rubbing off on everybody. 63 dude in the attic can you do like my robot make it go my penis my penis god It's rubbing off on everybody

Well, are you who are you gonna try to find is a private eye like what everyone someone messes so people message me I've email address You really are a comedian well you are an outlet you are in show business Look at me an email address huh it's just bullshit and you brag I got an email actually you also explained it like I don't know what messages are somebody messaged me well I have an email address if you're able mine to Ian Fide and 666 at gmail.com email that Always funnier if he just makes noises God I made eye contact with him now I have it We found your lane! What? We found his lane!

Oh god, I made eye contact with him, now I have it! Soon everyone will stink! You only got 24 hours to live! You better get your spots in tonight after tomorrow! I'm gonna go out and ruin comedy! I'm like Medusa! You're a chick with the... don't look at me like that. You don't know who now I have Turn people to stone

Plus I have snakes in my underwear Look at me first. I don't want to turn to Iraq Just turn to baloney I don't want to turn to a rock. It just turned to baloney. It's coming for you. It's coming for you. I mean, I'm killing it. It's coming for us all.

It's like the evil dead necronomicon. Maybe bad is the new good, huh? Oh, is that how you're playing it? That was me to the guy who fucked up his haircut. I go, no, no, it looks good. It's a new style. Lumpy. No, chicks like it when your ears bleed.

What? Max. Mine are bleeding. Listen to you. Can I get a fucking protein bar or something? Yeah, they gotta help, pal. Why don't you do a lap? Come back. Me and KJ got it. Sorry, I'm gonna get a 50cc's of root beer. That's how you do it. I need a shower or something. I got eight.

Alright, root beer won't kill me. 50cc's of root beer. Clear! It's two Twinkies shit now we all have it looks the funniest guy in the room haha the switch seats real quick look I'm hyperventilated hey the series broadcast you were never a doctor for a day were you?

I think he's referring to your television program. Dirty job. On air YouTube series. It's going to be something. Is it safe to say you don't have distribution quite yet? Oh, I can't. That's going to be one of the jobs. You're going to put it on the air. Just waiting for a hot spot. Come on, that was okay. I didn't hear it. Damn. Let's take it from the top and go. You got a new tootie no I said one of his jobs cast out on the tootie the tootie was the funniest thing we started so high I was saying one of your jobs could be the first oh you did hear it you did hear it you stepped on it that's what happened I heard it the first time I stepped on the second time to save you and the program No, you didn't hear what I said what if I did you'd be laughing?

I said one of the jobs he could be a studio executive and put the show on the air I said one of the jobs he could be a studio executive and put the show on the air He's for everybody You should try I'll bring you along one day we can have you be a podcaster Not on this you're gonna be a DJ, huh? That's awesome. Yeah, very good. Okay. Well, that's nice. Sure. It's fun. Yeah Subscribe youtube.com slash Ian Fidesz comedy. That's where it's going. I'm putting all my stand-up on there. There you go I I made a mistake. I took my stand up YouTube page and made it the podcast page when we

started. Okay. And so now I have nothing for stand up. So I'm starting fresh. Okay. Starting fresh. So get out there. Why don't you just I guess you can't just use that page. Well, it's for everything with the podcast. Sure. So I don't want to muddy that water you know sure I got you all right What are you looking at? You looked at me like I remember you see funny It's all the weight I'm losing Even see me in a while that's your penis now that's comedy my penis is more of the guy behind the guy let's get some questions. This is crazy. This is crazy. I think he's doing it on purpose.

I thought he was doing it on purpose. I don't think he's doing it on purpose. I'm just real desperate. I'm just really swinging. I'm doing the same thing and expecting different results. That's the definition of insanity. Yeah, anybody would know you would. I'm an expert.

Now let me come work with you. Yeah. Anybody would know you would. I'm an expert. Now let me come work with you. That's something a crazy guy would say. OK. What do you got? What? You throw it to me like that? Give me a heads up or something.

In three, two, one, what do you got? In three, two, one. What do you got? Hey everybody out there and welcome back. Gang as you know when you sign up for the old Patreon you can have your question read on the air by Kevin Ryan. Because Voli can't read. This will be my last episode. I don't want to tell Tony Adler. Man. What happened? When?

It's like, it's the last 25 minutes. It's like we got so funny that we became unfunny. So like we were going so hot and it was burning so hot that we flew too close to the Sun and now speak for yourself I'm killing it he's holding this whole thing together and I'm not even doing that good of a job so you like to smoke cigarettes I mean I did tell I saw Ian in the village at village outside the cellar and I was like, oh, you want to, he asked me for a cigarette or a lighter or something and I said, I quit. And his genuine reaction was, what? Why?

Oh yeah. Same with you. I can't believe you guys are quitting on me. Crazy. I've had a couple. I have to make that public. Yeah? Yeah.

What's the goal? Do you quit total or just down to like one a day? I mean, I would say I've quit. Hmm. But you've had a few couple. That's not quite that drunk chicks do that. They don't smoke. Are you a drunk chick? And big. That's what you're into. I'll go home with you if that's what you're asking.

I'll cancel my gig this weekend. What's better than a well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $-dollar delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply.

Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Where are you this weekend? Charleston, South Carolina, Thursday, May 22nd. Atlanta, Georgia. Can I give you a heads up? May 23rd, 25th, yes. Have you ever been to Charleston? Never.

Okay, good kid. You want some comedy advice? Yeah. Come on, Henry. Weird eye contact and strange timing. That's how you get lamps. Yes, it is. No, I was gonna say she crab soup what she crab soup

I'm back. I got you. Huh? I know that's what you laughing at. I know when I see it when you see her Huh? Give me it, please That was it right you were laughing at that You're laughing. I'll host. I'll feature whatever. I need. She crab soup. It's a type of soup. Are you talking about? She crab soup.

It's a type of soup down there. She crab. It's like a bisque. It's delicious. All right. It's an unbelievable food scene in Charleston. Where do you go for it? You go to Henry's. Henry's. Yeah. Now you just make it all the guys. Hilarious. You are the funniest chef I've ever seen in my life. You're going to love them.

He's losing weight. He's losing. He's got good. He just quit cigarettes. He is a couple. Listen, alright. Come on, sheet crab soup. The place is Henry's. It's in the French Quarter. Okay.

They do an awesome, awesome sheet crab soup. If you want to go to a real nice dinner, you go to... I'm only there for one day. Oh, and he looks like this. You gotta have your type Cito on you. I don't know where to buy fireworks or something. Midnight in the garden of Goodenia. You're going to try He-Man Lobster.

I was going to send you to Fig. Fig? Yeah, food is good. That's for Henry. They're going to act like they don't know me. So are we. I'm going to put this out on Ian's channel. Starting fresh. This can't go out on the main AYG channel.

I'll get a strike. What? I'll get my channel striked. This is real access cable. It's more of an infomercial. John is right. That joke. Listen to me. What? What? What did the infomercial?

I am spiraling over here. I've lost all confidence somehow. Listen to me. If you're going to go to dinner. I know it was another food wreck. Fig. It's really good. Fig. Yeah. In Charleston. Charleston. Charleston Fig. Yes, delicious. Alright. Unbelievable. And Henry's. Henry's. Yeah, for the sheet crepes.

Stop by Kippys to get there. Little Luke's. Little Luke's. Real judgmental. We, listen, we normally don't break the fourth wall. We could be at three and a half minutes or five hours right now. I've lost all. I don't know where I am. That's why I'm guessing what minute we're at. I genuinely feel like we've always been here. We're three people that have do this for a living for the last five years.

What number do you think we're at? I think we might have died when Ian came in and we are now in the seventh ring of hell We're at what 35 minutes, oh, I'll say 48 it just says 666 37 minutes Good God, oh man. What a fucking time warp dude. Let's go to a highlight reel or something Cut to the yet. It's a rain delay Just play there will be blood or something like that

I drink your she crab soup. I wouldn't have left a joke if you gave it to me as a gift. I've abandoned my jokes! We're back baby. We're back. Woo! We're back baby I'm a vegetable oil man Did I write that just had peanut oil I'm a tallow man. I'm a grease man. I'm a beef tallow man.

It's popular these days beef tallow. I'm a mayonnaise man. You start beating him with a bowling pin. I'm finished! You guys are sign language in each other? Let your boy say it! Say it! Dug you! What's wrong? What's wrong? What's the sign language for bombing? Woo!

Hey, Kate Putz, will ya? Ah! Ah! Alright. What are you up to this summer? Try the lady-boy soup. I'd love to! Email me! I'm going to try the ladyboy Oh boy. Going down with the ship, folks.

I got a travel show. I'm on the road. That'll save us. Nothing else. How do we cut to a piece of that? Put the Fox Soul show on or something. All right. Now It's getting scary All right, Kevin. We're gonna switch the questions None of one of us has made a coherent sense. Do the weather. I don't give a shit what you do Oh, here's what's happening in your neck of the woods hot and all that side of the vets. It's cold You're watching a bad podcast.

This is what's going out on YouTube. You got a birthday or something coming up. We're going to see a fat chill coming in from the South. That's not it. It should have been a fat cold front because Because that ice, that Mike is icy. Fuck! Fat cold sore. That ice is Mikey!

I went to school with ice Mikey. What were you going to say? He's an old black comic from Philly. Hey the weather's done, someone do the sports. I did my, I got the neck of the woods laugh. We are building this joke by joke every two minutes. The eons lost today nine to two And the follies went bankrupt

These are hit list again nine scoreless innings Luke sing a song. Do karaoke. He's just going to sound the silence. Play Taps. Ian, comb your mustache or something, will you? Well, now in our human interest piece, local echo combs his mustache. Now in our human interest piece local lego comes

On a lighter side See a grown man with lice in his mustache It says Riddick Their circus lights don't worry You got a coat on what's the matter with you He's going insane He doesn't feel the heat anymore You know is, it's weird when you see a homeless guy wearing a winter coat in the summer.

It's schizophrenia. They're always cold. Yeah. Thanks for the lighter side of the news, gang. Everyone switched seats now. What's the market at right now? I just checked my phone. I forgot we were on a show. I genuinely pulled out my phone and went through I'm calling you

Fuck out of there 38 minutes. 38? We're going backwards. 15 gang. What are you having coffee? You like ice? Rye. Rye, I need a cold water. And a couple of punch lines if you got them.

You writing out there. Just come over here and knock me out. Just hit me right in the head. You have a rock you can smash into my skull. Get that ball peen hammer out. Just set the place on fire. Thanks, D. Buddy. Oh god. I feel sweaty.

I am so sweaty. I feel gross. Yeah, you look it. Good to see you, buddy. I missed you. It's always fun having you. Ah, cousin Ian. My nose is running and I'm sweating. Me too, man. It's like I had she crab soup. Alright.

I feel like we're going to be zombies by the end of this podcast. Yeah, I'm not making the jokes. Shit. You got too much luggage. Wait, why are you making a zombie? What? What's a luggage? Just back it out. What is that? Wait, why you make you zombie? Whatever he was bombing with. Yeah, the zombies have made it the airport. They got all their luggage. Did you guys pack your own luggage?

Sir, these are your ratty tattered clothes. The zombie wouldn't even buy foliage. They're afraid they'd catch it. Oh, God, we lost Ian. He looked over, he's turning. I'm gonna steal my mom's house. Did your mom make anything when you were home? Did you cook anything? She made me pastina. What's that? Oh, did she? Yeah. That's pasta for

gay guys. And a little pastina for my little angel with a side of cock ring. Come on. That was funny. What? Look, if you don't, if you don't name this episode positive, you guys pastina is the little bitty passes in like chicken soup. Yes. I forget you're Italian or human. One. Italian yeah or human one she doing pretty good on the front step this morning nice she made it on the front step ate it on the front step well you mentioned walking by Ian's house and seeing him sitting out there eating soup.

We're eating soup, drinking coffee, smoking to doing scratch-offs on the front step. You don't have like a table out there? No. Right on a highway, right? Sit on the steps. No, we're in a neighborhood. What are you talking about? We live behind a highway. It backs up to an interstate. I pictured you guys living in a lumber yard or something like that. IL-9 Home Depot.

They're in the PVC fitting lot. They're sitting in a tent. Addicts. No, I was going to say, let's all be on the same side here. We're all teammates. We got to listen. We're all on the same team. This plane's going down and we all got to work together to get it back up in the air

We got to put our oxygen on first before we could save anyone else Shit producer Well you want to do a question yeah, yeah, let's do it So how you guys doing um all right this one's from what are you nuts? You've ever go to the wrong party It was that my brother's engagement party and saw a bunch of cars parked on the street and people outside so I assumed this was the spot I walked around the bed looking for my brother when I found out this party was a celebration of life

turns out the engagement... oh shit why does everybody shit why somebody just died what the fuck I know it's sex life died but a the engagement party was a half a quarter mile down the road that's a great one so as a funeral celebration of life mm-hmm yeah wait bringing that back up It's basically what the show is now We should all have quarters on our eyes

Very move my change get across the river down funny town home buddy you're the mayor you're already there you're already moving in. Easy pezzling. I got two 20s on my eyes what? shit what is going on? weird well I think we might have all died I Honestly think that or I had a heart attack and I'm in hell alone No I'm right there with you big guy

Fuck my hell would be sitting next to Ian and he smells like heaters and I can't have one The three of us just bombin' Smells like heaters WD-40 and Stetson And a little pastina What's Stetson? There you go, that's comedy You know what Stetson is

Cologne? Fucking play dumb with me I thought you meant the Stetson hat We need this shit now and we're in a goddamn foxhole Fuckin' get me some ammo Stick your gun out the fucking front and start shooting Fucking put the radio down will ya? start firing

it's Hendrix ah you would have sucked a nom you would have had everything the headband, the fucking shit on the helmet smoking weed, dropping acid first guy shot thinking I'm gonna rip a weed out of a shotgun and just blow my head off

lieutenant hey finance how long you've been here it's his first day he's all strung out he's got all the gear he's wearing a necklace out of people's teeth. Got these back at base! My dad's an orthodontist! That's how you pull out of a nosedive. I come with my own ears just to fit in. My necklace! Cut your own ears off. Cut your own ears and fingers off. checklist Okay, here's the fingers up

They try to catch me another guy already got me Man we're gonna take this right up to this one's gonna come right down to the wire hung gang Luke just texted me we're at 50. Oh wait. I mean 20 Most fucking through my I was through the computer. Oh God. I'm eating that sandwich in the fridge. What kind of sandwich? Huh? What kind of sandwich?

Italian. Are you a comedian? Huh, what kind of sandwich Italian Let me try again what kind of sandwich shit sandwich I'm trying too hard! We apologize. I genuinely don't think I can laugh. I don't know what has happened. Did we answer the question? Ian, I forgot. I can't even, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

What, the what is this, nuts? What? This one's from Dublin Dirtbag Ever pushed a bicycle while riding a bicycle. Man, I knew I should have gotten it. You're following up fucking... going to a funeral?

With that? You guys are talking about sandwiches and it's not even, not even trying it's not even Alright, let's just say we tried you know we, we fucking, we sat in we sat in the pocket we threw fucking punches

you know we're doing great this is fun I can't believe you let me die with that bicycle thing. What was that? Calling a fire mission on our own position. What are you rapping now? Calling a fire position on our own position.

Oh my god. If you're tuning in, please don't listen. Calling this one the suicide squad that's really good fucking al-qaeda what is suicide bombers my best doesn't fit you know I'm gonna wear it like a blazer Where we go foley's about three clicks to the right cuz you're a landmark We got to take this foley Holy shit. Say something will ya? I tried with the buttons and pants but I can't breathe. I just forgot we were recording I was thinking about that Bin Laden documentary. I was thinking about that sandwich.

You know, I mean, listen. Yeah. Hey, literal Larry. I got to go. We got gotta be somewhere else Stay I got another podcast I'm not supposed to be here. It's not my time In the upside down we all forgot what we're doing We're gonna wake up covered in goo. Where's Millie Bobby Brown when you need her, huh? All right.

Hey, Stranger, upside down. It's a good show. Stop doing that thing from the belt holes so fucking a Reaper is gonna get me fucking telltale heart you guys ever push the bicycle while riding the bicycle? We're trying we got up we got our fucking asses handed to us we went up there we fucking all hey everybody out there What are you coming up? I got a travel show. What's that all about? Where can we find it? It's nowhere. It's probably not even going to go anywhere.

I wasted so much money. I'm very sick of go anywhere. I wasted so much money. For a thing I don't care about. Ah, yeah, that's so real. I got this bullshit haircut for nothing. I'm working, I'm not even getting paid. I wasn't at the punchline this weekend. I didn't have any cheese steaks. There was no pustina. I didn't have any cheese steaks.

There was no pustina. I was just sitting on the steps like an asshole. My mom would let me in the house. It's so funny they can't laugh. Ian5dance.com for all my dates. EN5Dance666 and gmail for all complaints. Lalalala. Gang we love ya. We'll see you next week. Or maybe we won't. This is the end of the road. You might never see this episode. I don't know if we can release this. Right? What? This is amazing! That was genius! What are you talking about? You gotta get you, you gotta play your cards.

I think that was the funniest thing we've ever done. Luke, tell me that lens caps are on. All right, see you guys. What? You gotta end him! What are you doing? Why are you defeated? This is great We'll see you next week. I'll be here. I won't