Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - The Chronicles of Jason!

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Big Jay Oakerson! You know Big Jay from Legion of Skanks, The Bonfire, The Joe Rogan Experience, Matt & Shanes Secret Podcast, YMH, and stand up comedy. Make sure to check out his new special "Dog Belly" OUT NOW. Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! Through the Roof Tour Tickets: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Box of Awesome: https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Helix Sleep: https://www.helixsleep.com/Garbage Promo Code: Helixpartner20 Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Are you garbage if your driver's side window doesn't roll down so you recline in order through the backseat window at the driver's side? We got a number two, yeah I dropped a nickel. Give me a second You guys still serving breakfast. What's up gang? I'll take it sir on sale right now for the 2024 through the roof tour over there at rugarbots.com Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Or it's just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautifully sunny day.

We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. Not used to the sun. It's been gloomy for a while. When I went upstairs to wake up Tootsie and open up the curtains, she was like Dracula. Kissing at me. All right, all right, all right. I don't need this shit.

My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He's international businessman of my best in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everyone. What up, gang? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, and subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. What up gang, thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you're a review,

subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. As you know those numbers are. True to real. Cooking baby. Cooking. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash rugarpage. You go over there, you get up to a bajillion hours

worth of content. Also all tour tickets are on sale right now, www.rugarbage.com, check it out. Grab those tickets gang, they're going quick, and we wanna see you out there. And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire, the Magic Man, makes us all look good, works the ones, the twos, threes, fours,

crosses T's and he dots I's, give it up for T-Bone, McScruffins, Toby McMullen everybody. What up boys? What up T-Bone? Dude, we got Uncle Jay over. Woo, what's not to love? He's so sweet, he's so charming, he calls Tooty, Mrs. T, which I like.

Hey, though, Mrs. T, which I like. Hey, though, Mrs. T. Hello, Jay. How are ya? Good to see ya. Gang, the long hair ain't lying. We are here for our third installment of the third installment, The Chronicles of Jason. Scientists and historians will be studying these episodes for years to come. At least the cum.

I mean, I am crushed. I came in, you had to go in the back of the fridge to get me some afternoon white clothes to crush. Yeah, it's crazy. It's not even a beer. This doesn't even imply I have a problem. It just reinforces a garbage. Yeah.

I mean, we are documenting the life of a man here in the late 20th and early 21st century. Like I said, aliens will be looking at this years from now, studying. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Big J. O'Carson. Thank you, fellas. Let's go here for volume three, the Chronicles of Jason. What's up, really?

You're pushing that and I like it. I gotta be honest with you. I like it, okay, it's our sold. Yeah, you don't run that by anybody, buddy. I feel like every once in a while, somebody should come in with one of those big things and just measure your head. They'll do a tape measure.

Or you should have some type of probes or electrodes on your head as we're studying you right now. We'll make a chapter book of the whole thing. Yeah, we'll have to sell it time-wonder, like those late night commercials. It's like three three three complete sex Also our fans can only buy one volume at a time I got years 18 through 32

Cyclopedias they come in your month of subscription every week to get your new J episode Going straight to the back looking for the titties Going straight to the back looking for the titties. Alright so we were talking before, we want to take a step back. Last time you were here we thoroughly went through your cleansing schedule. How you shower. Put your boncos by the way. But I respect it. That was a four hour episode.

We want to take a step back. We want to go to junior high, high school era. Give me those specific years of like, when did you enter sixth grade? What year was that? And what was junior high for you? Was it sixth, seventh, eighth? Junior was sixth, seventh, eighth, yeah. Okay.

And then yeah. So traditional middle school, as we would call it. What year was that? What year were you in sixth grade? I graduated 95. Okay. So that would be what, 89? Okay. So 1989 and where are we doing this at? Are we in Jersey already? No, no, no. Jersey wasn't till almost 17. Okay. So now still West Philly. So we're in West Philadelphia. We're in a Philadelphia public school system. Yeah. I am, how old are we saying 89 some 12. Yep.

Step pops around. Step pop is around. Okay. Step pops around for about a year. And you're living with him and your mother in your mom's house. Baby brother. Yeah. And now baby brother. Okay. Okay. Yeah. It was one of the if you're curious, baby brother, part of the wedding of my mom's step-father. I got that too. Yeah, that's a certain kind of Philly trash, where they're the ring bearer or whatever. Oh, he's the ring bearer. What was his name? What's your little brother's name?

Bobby. Bobby. I would have said Ted Nugent. Junior. Yeah, thank you. You know my younger brother, Dave Digger? Little brother, the Motor City Madman? All right, see you in sixth grade.

We call him Ted Nuggety. He's a good guy. That's adorable. What are you aware? What's the style of little big J. O'Kerson at this point? So I had the problem of like, I really wanted to be in. I wanted to be in. I really really.

That's how we all ended up here, big guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really wanted to be in. I wanted to be in. But. You're such a sweetheart. I was such a little fatso. They didn't make all the things.

So I would, where I would just try, it would just be bad. It's one of my, I've told on things before, one of my favorite as far as clothes, like my grandmother, God rest her soul, she would take me school shopping always. My mom was broke, so she would take me school shopping. And she kind of had the take on it like, well, you know what you like,

and you know what like you want to wear, so you pick it out. She wasn't really doing like, you should wear this. Gotcha. If I was like, this is the style. And that backfired on me several times. I had a, these are things, these are things that- Shows up with a beret. I'll give you two things for sure, purchased, never worn.

I have so many of them. Thank God, because I was like, it was a preschool year statement. And I don't know, something in the off time of the school year, you're like, next year I'm gonna change every, like I'll be different. I'm gonna be, you're also, I feel I'm a very different guy when I'm shopping versus when I get home

and the rubber hits the road and I gotta wear, I gotta wear this out my front door, specifically to record on a podcast. I'm like, this ain't happening. Exactly. There's no eyes on you in the dressing room. I thought I loved red blazers when I was ain't happening. Exactly. There's no eyes on you in the dressing room. I thought I loved red blazers when I was at the mall.

Absolutely. And the two of them that I remember never wearing was, do you remember used brand? No. So it was purposefully tattered like clothing, you know, like the rips that had like the something under them. Okay. I got one that was a denim duster Teal blue and black

But used duster use brand duster dude that I mean a duster and a sixth grader A time-traveling bounty hunter Where can I park my horse? My robot horse What the fuck? That's crazy To show up so bad No, that's not it. This that this this is like full length dude. Yeah This is something to be required That's crazy, dude.

Holy shit. Something like that. But it had worse than that because it had fake rips all over it and like teal under them. It was bad. That and then my grandmother. Those decisions should not be left to a sixth grader. I understand.

There's got to be some type of rental guidance. Also, as a guy, as as a bigger guy myself growing a kid We don't have the proportion. We're too wide for that. That needs to be on a tall skinny guy No, and I said also what happened to my step pop came around I thought my step pop like dressed cool and maybe it probably was for the time. It's the 80s Mm-hmm, but I was looking one at the school I couldn't do the school styles and then I I would try to do, like, kind of emulate his thing. Some pleated jeans.

He had, like, some stylish cowboy boots to wear with things. He was big on the T-shirt tucked into the belt pants. Oh, not the T-shirt. I'm sorry. The button-down shirt tucked into the pants but open with the tank top. He was, like, in shape, my step up.

If you can pull that off, that's all right. He was killing it But then I would be like oh, maybe I'll try his things and they didn't work either But one time shopping for the school clothes city blue on 16 I street. Oh, I know what you're talking about and I was in there and they had MC Hammer huge the time MC Hammer huge the time. MC Hammer had the hammer pants. The parachute pants. And for some reason, they were basically those,

but they, I always remember on the sign it said Bobby Brown pants. Like because they were because they were cheaper. Came with Coke in them. So Bobby Brown pants, all they had in my, elastic waist and everything. Yeah. Still had sizes. And the only thing they had in wait elastic waist and everything. Yeah still had sizes and

The only thing they had my size was like gold like a dull gold But I'm like this is the thing people wearing those so I'm getting these pants that belt was thick to that elastic was thick Yes, it was like wearing like the championship belt. It's great. Yeah, you crab walking into the Oh, oh. And I, uh, oh, oh, no. So I, uh, I forgot about that. I got those. My grandmother and her, her best friend Anita. Were they expensive at the time?

Like, I'm sure they were probably. That duster had to be a pretty penny. That's a lot of dental. At the time. Probably, yeah, yeah, yeah, probably a little bit. But the hammer pants, I don't remember being anything that expensive. But what I remember is my, uh grandma's best friend, Anunita.

Hammer pants at a duster like in the world's worst posse. No, dude, that's crazy. There's two separate trips. I think Burlington Coat Factory was the duster. Meet me at high noon for a break dancing competition. So I buy these gold hammer pants. Of course. My grandmother and Anunita go, Anunita?

Anunita is her best friend. Wait, her name was Aunt Anita. That was her name or you called her Aunt Anita? No, no, I called her as my grandma's best friend. Okay, so her name was Anita. Anita, yeah. So my grandma's friend Anita. That's my grandma's best friend.

They were, it's so funny, because I was so young, I don't realize how young they were. They were just in their fifties. Yeah, that's crazy. And, but they were still like, you know, 50 something year old ladies, and they were getting into the walking laps around the schoolyard fence for exercise,

and they each bought a pair. I think my aunt Anita bought some Zubaz, and my grandmother bought a pair of hammer pants also. And I went home with my pants. And my mom and step-pop were just, remember sitting on the couch just going like, all right show us like what your school clothes are. So I go get, you know, whatever jeans and stuff I show them.

And I'm throwing, at the end, I show them like I'm excited. I'm like, yo. You're doing a little fashion show. Yeah. Now I do the fur, I'm getting ready to pull out the hammer pants. I showed you the day to day. Now here comes, here comes the closer.

My draw. You guys think that's already a pretty nice wardrobe, right? That's already a pretty nice wardrobe. I know you guys are thinking. So you guys are sitting here probably going like, that's the way. If I stopped right there, you'd be like, you did good work today. I just picture the people's court playing real low on the TV. Oh, yeah, probably.

Sun coming in, smoke filled room. Oh, yep, absolutely. Two butts going. Some cool filter kings and some Newport hundos. You were about to wow them. Yeah, so I go, yeah, this mood couldn't be set more perfect. And I walk out in these gold hammer pants. And I'm just walking normal.

You look like a hammer all right. No shirt? What are you wearing on top? I don't remember. But a shirt, definitely a shirt. I wouldn't act cute. A shirt. Probably a turtleneck under a sweater.

I think it's where I remember a cool kid in school wearing the hammer pants. Had a turtleneck sweater with the chain around the turtleneck on. Oh, big. So I was like, uh, that's what I, that's what I'm like, I'm like, I gotta wear a thing. So I come out in these pants and my, my step pop and mom, they're laughing so hard. They're laughing, which is making me really sad. And you want to build a kid's confidence. I'm sitting there and I started laughing. And then my step pop goes,

why is all this shit all bunched up in the middle? And then when I stepped my ankles apart and they saw the low crotch thing, it was like death jam front row. They were hitting each other, like falling out. And I went in my room. What's going on in the crotch there? And I went in my room. What's a long in the crop, Jared?

Oh, Jason. I went in my room and took them off, put them away. And they just became my, I'm sick at home parents. I've never wore them out of the house once. You're just sitting in them farting and they're inflating. They were, they never, when we moved eventually, when we eventually moved, they were like, oh, wow, I'm in the bottom of the dresser still.

I couldn't believe they were still there. And then the other thing I remember from shopping for clothes, my grandmother, then my grandmother started dating. So there was a- I had to send Joly here on the show. She got back out there. My grandfather passed at 57 years old.

Okay. I was, I want to say, I was nine or 10. Mm-hmm. And he got asbestos from, or mesothelioma, from shoveling asbestos when he was in the Navy in the Navy. Oh, shit. Mm-hmm.

So he died relatively young. And it was just my mom and my grandma. So my grandmother, then there was another guy on the street, it lived across the street from my grandmother, where I spent nights a lot. That was the neighbor we played in, and Jerry Silver. Wait, hold on, you spent nights at his place? No, no, no, Jerry Silver, my grandma was at my grandma's.

And one of the neighbors across the street was Jerry Silver and his wife, and he was like the nasty guy in the neighborhood. He was like the, if your ball went on his lawn, he'd tell you that you couldn't go on his lawn. He told us there was acid on his lawn that would eat our shoe. All kinds of things.

He was a very mean guy. His wife died. And then at some point when I was like 11 or so, just started dating my grandmother until the day she died. No shit. Which was two years ago. Wow. Jerry just died too.

He was a very nasty guy. And always through the whole, he made my grandmother happy so we were like great, No shit, which was two years ago Jerry just died too He was a very nasty guy and always do he made my grandmother happy so we were like great But I mean it nicer to you they warm up to you at all now really and well What am I what does pants on one of my core memories of Jerry was going to this point? I'm shopping big and tall And I'm a kid and we're going there and I'm picking out my jeans Whatever and he's the guy like like like a sitcom. He's Pauling at and and yelling throughout the store how much room I have in this crotch Why is the crotch so low cuz you know I'm wearing him sag or whatever just like and he's just yelling that I'll never forget that in front

Like in front of by the way, they stop doing this now. They employ and I'm good call DXL In front of like in front of by the way, they stop doing this now they employ and I'm good call Dxl They hire fat people now almost almost exclusively or at least chubby because they used to have just any retail job like hot chicks working there And you got to come as a little kid and be like Nice boobs. Do you have a 5x for a 11 year old a 5x short? Where's your wide-cut for a 11 year old? A 5X short. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Where's your wide cut pants? I need something in a 42-20, honey.

This is always an unrelated to the clothing, but just to put a button on Jerry. My grandmother passed two years ago, and then in the Jewish faith, they do like, after a year, if she's buried, then they do like a unveiling of the headstone. So we went back for that.

This is the last time we're ever gonna see Jerry. He's 90 something, still driving somehow, but he's just like why would we ever see Jerry again? There's no reason to. And after the ceremony, you know all the cars are lined up at the cemetery. And me and my step-hopping brother go to smoke a butt between cars.

And at one point, it's raining. Just to just say that. Loud three honks in a cemetery. We kind of jump in. We look back. And I swear to you, this is the last thing ever Jerry Silver did with our family. We turn around and look. It's Jerry in his car he goes

clears it and we moved out of the way and he speeds off and we were like bye forever Jerry Good knowing you dude. Holy shit. What a fucking 30-something year run. Yeah, just this guy that was never nice to me Move and then drove off to die. I think weeks or months later Yeah, you just move and then drove off to die. I think weeks or months later. The car just slowly appears off and hits a headstone. Really, it's just the thing where after that, you just move and then we see the thing where the car just vanishes slowly.

Like Paul Walker. Yeah, and then you hear my voice going like, that was the last time we ever saw Jerry. Is it a wonder ears? Kid, let's talk about box awesome, baby. Shut up, the box awesome. You like cool stuff, Pinhead? I do, Dorcas. Yeah, let's talk about Box Awesome, baby. Shut up, the Box Awesome. You like cool stuff, Pinhead? I do, Dorcas. Yeah, you do, gang.

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Yeah, they the box that I just got was like a Whiskey kid had the whiz had to had the nice rocks real nice heavy rocks glasses It's got the ice the big round ice cubes those had the boys over we cracked a bottle good night It's fantastic. It's easy. It's as my boys are sitting there. We're sipping a nice glass of we said, oh, these are nice What is this coach box awesome get on board came right to the door 90% everything that comes in your box of awesome It's from a small up-and-coming brand So you'll be getting great stuff and supporting a small business get a free mystery gift in your first monthly shipment when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code garbage at checkout that's boxofawesome.com

code garbage for free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment boxofawesome.com code garbage there we go. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Okay. Gang therapy is an only useful when the relationship is on the rocks, which we know it can be sometimes. Oh boy. It's also helpful when things are going great, when things are going smoothly, it's good to have a little touchstone.

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or some bozo, they're judging you, none of that. If you're thinking of starting therapy, definitely give BetterHelp a try. Visit betterhelp.com slash garbage today to get 10% off your firstly month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage, do it. So the clothes, that was the... So you have two articles of clothing that you didn't wear.

Well, but everything I had was trying, so it was funny. And also I didn't have the name Brands. We never wore the Duster, right? Never wore the Duster. Never wore the Duster. So where did you land? Was it more T-shirt? Like, what, like, you know, jeans every day?

Jeans every day. What kind of shoes were we doing? Cool, you were trying to be cool, like cool Nikes or? Nikes, I get, in hindsight, none of it looked cool. It just, it always looked just like fat and tight. And I made so many mistakes. How'd he been there? When they did the, do you remember the

It sounds like a bad haircut. Pore some sugar on me video? Yeah, of course. So that video, the big thing to me was how cool that dude looked cause he had the first I ever saw like shredded up jeans. Like every, there was like rips everywhere with the fringes hanging off them.

And I wanted that, I didn't know how to do that. So I went, took a pair of my pants and I just snipped. I took it just a shot with scissors, like horizontal. Every couple inches. And then I put it on, it looked like death by a thousand bee stings. You are, yeah, yeah. Just my fat little pasty white skin

would just blow a bubble up at everything. It doesn't fray. Yeah, that's Doesn't fray it's supposed to be done by a person who does that You're supposed to just take slices out like 25 washes to get that fray out. Yeah, it looked so I would just try everything The one The one off overalls What's funny was getting like finally, there was a couple of fat brands that would make knockoffs of this stuff.

So I never had Cavarichis, but I had like Hugo Boss made like, Hugo Boss made some like pleated pants. So I mean that we're like, look this. How big were you in sixth grade? What are we talking? When I go back, I tell you that the standard of fat has changed.

Sure. When I go back and look at pictures that the standard of fat has changed. Sure. When I go back and look at pictures, it really was like somebody probably could have caught me all the way up to like 1617. Just been like slight changes. It's just something which my step-up did at times. But yeah, I was like, uh, were you a tall kid? Were you tall? Yeah. Yeah. I was tall. How tall are you now? Six three. You're six three. So what would you say you were 6'7", 8th grade? In middle school.

I'm pretty close to 6' like pretty quick. No shit. All right. And how, what do you think you were tipping the scales at? Two? It was over two so quick. Over two. Yeah, when I was young. So quick.

I don't remember ever fighting for under two. And then I don't remember like, and then I remember a nice time being over three. Okay. But uh. I remember cracking a hundred in elementary school where they had to go and weigh you. You had to go get like your height, your eye.

In front of people. Yeah, and it was like you and like the three people with your last name like right at, they would send you down on like the fat index. The fat index, where they do your body mass or whatever. It's all, I was like, this isn't scientific. That's stay with me this guy's drunk how you gonna calculate that with a ruler that stuff stays with

me so much that when I go to the doctors now currently and they weigh me I go don't tell me I don't look and I just don't look and I just don't tell me I go and then when they look at I go tell me go are you super concerned and they were like if we'll be like, I mean, you should lose weight. But I mean, like, I'm like, OK. Well, I knew that. All right.

OK, yeah, yeah. I'm fine to live in that world. They're always trying to be real nice to me. They'll be like, all right, you're 365, but with the shoes and your shirt and all that kind of stuff. It's still a fat beanie. Like, I'm wearing leg boots. How about lying to yourself if they have.

You got ski boots on. Bobby Kelly may have been saying that the other day, but I've done this someone that like lying to yourself if they have- He got ski boots on. Bobby Kelly may have been saying that the other day, but I've done this. You're lying to nobody but yourself. I've done them when they have the, sometimes the scale has the bars for old people next to it. And if the doctor's on this side of me,

I'll touch it with a couple of fingers. Oh yeah. Yeah, get a little bit of pressure off. Sure. You'll probably knock about 15 off and finger push. Easy. Ah. All right, okay. All right, okay.

All right, 1989. Wait, did you ever rock a generic basketball jersey for like not a real team, like a city stars? No, no, you can't do that in Philly. Now you'd cost some shit for that. But I didn't wear jerseys really much ever until I was like an older teenager because they were expensive and stuff at the time.

How were you getting to school in the morning saying junior high you were walking yeah what was that walk like how long 10 minutes 15 minutes but it's like in the straight-up hill and I mean it was so well so you know it's the park. Show up at the homeroom sweating out of breath in your mammor pants. Sweating through them because I got gold. Nothing that hides ass sweat. I thought these would be more breathable. Oh, I bought, I remember when I bought Hugo Boss acid wash jeans or stone wash jeans for the first time.

You were taking swings. Yeah. The stone wash jeans one time. At that point, I was in school band, so I'd go in early to take drum lessons. Okay. By myself, and thank God I was in there by myself because I was in there and I bent over at one point

and the ass just blasted out of them. No. Blast that. And this is like tighty whiteies. You didn't know any better when you were a kid. So I'm wearing tighty whiteies and I mean just ass bless them and then I just held the ass shut

and walked the 10 minutes back home. Yeah, that was the end of the day for me. I'm sick of it. I cut school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one was ever home when I was at school. So like, I was able to cut a lot. And I did.

I'd ever even cut so rarely. Once or twice did I cut school with like a friend and do something. Most of my cuts were like I just didn't want to go and watching like Also the price is right for sure and then even like I think would watch the things that I just knew the stories from my mom and them like Young in the rest list or something or some soap opera. I know the characters I don't really like it. I'm looking Laura's Laura's wedding or whatever it was. There's a cave. We didn't have any cave or anything. But yeah, the clothes were, it was always a mess.

But I was trying so hard. I really wanted it to work out with those clothes. Did you have a trapper keeper and all that stuff? Would you get that kind of stuff? Yeah. Get the trapper keeper. What were you doing for lunch? Were you buying your lunch at school?

Or were you bringing it? It depends if I stayed at my mom's that night or my grandparents. Would she make it? No, with mom it was you were gonna get like two bucks for the school lunch. Sure, okay. About 25, whatever it was, but that,

I remember people saying, some people grew up with school lunch that was like, okay. And now some of them have like fast food restaurants and things like that. And just, or you could leave and go get something that's decent or whatever. And even when I went to switch to schools in Jersey when I was 17, that's school lunch, I'm like, this ain't so bad.

Dude, our school lunch, when I was a little kid, was fantastic at St. Nicholas St. Mary's when I was in grade school. It was awesome. Yeah, I didn't mind, but this school, it was crazy. They had snacks, my school, I remember I still have like nostalgia for some of the brands.

Jacks, where the cheese puffs. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. With cheese curls. Oh yeah, of course. Jacks, the Linden cookies, the three packs, they have the oatmeal raisin, the double fudge chocolate and chocolate chip. And then if you got lucky, butter toffee.

Butter toffee, yeah. Grandma did those too. Remember grandma cookies? Yeah. Similar, but the Linden butter toffee, man those things had a snap to them. They had a snap to them. They were a good milk cookie. Woo!

To this day, my deli on the corner sells them. I'll pick up a butter crunch every now and then. Yeah, the butter crunches. I'll get crazy. Underrated. Yeah, underrated cookie for sure. Three pack too. And they had those those but the lunch

was fucking crazy look it was a tin foil like You know a tray. Yeah, basically with the cardboard thing over it that was like smushed on it and the cardboard had outlines of like the what's what's in each thing so it's like an outline of Salisbury steak like five circles for peas right with you with carrot squares, and then whatever was there. But it was, the smell of it was so bad. It was no good. No, no, no. It was god awful, so you would just not do that. Or I also made friends with a bunch of little guys.

So I'm not understanding why I'm fat and your other friends aren't. My friends are little guys. They wouldn't even, bad an eye, I'm like, your mom gave you a. Like, my friends are little guys, they wouldn't even bat an eye, I'm like, your mom gave you a bagel with chive whipped cream cheese again, and he's like, yeah, you want half? Like, yes.

Yeah. And they didn't care, they're like, sure, I probably wasn't gonna eat it all anyway. I go, what's that process like? Imagine that dude, that's insane for somebody that asked me, can I have half your lunch? And he'd be like, oh yeah, I'm not gonna, like, that's insane.

First of all, for a dollar 25, and how disgusting that meal was when you opened it up, I just ate every bit of lunch? And maybe like, oh yeah, I'm not gonna, like, that's insane. First of all, for $1.25 and how disgusting that meal was when you opened it up, I just ate every bit of it because you're like, well, it's my food. I didn't even think anything other than that. I never, and I see it in children now, and but it's like that, like, now you have to finish your food.

Or like my daughter's sister even is like 10 years old. And I see you have to like, food. Or like my like my daughter's sister even is like like 10 years old. And I see you have to like corral them. Yeah. Like and I was like, man, we could have been in the middle. We could have been like down by two. We have the ball on the one outside. And they go, we're ordering cheese sticks. I'm like, bye guys.

Are you going to finish all your cheese stick? You don't need a whole cheese stick to you. You're a little guy. You're lunch. Some kids like food fight. You're like lunch, some kids like, food fight. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you guys slow down. I put on a catcher's mitt.

He goes, all right, let's do it, guys. Sat. Sat. Timmy, you're throwing heat, didn't you? Yeah, a couple snowballs. Ring ding. Any type of trade was stiff negotiations, man. I held on to that real type.

I remember. I would hold on to mine real tight, but I'd see if I can get away. I'm almost like, you know, it's like, I'll kiss you on the mouth. We had a kid that was like real sensitive about that, didn't want to make touching his food. Like if you touched his food, he would just give it to you. And man, I'd go over there, like pushing buttons on him. Oh man. I remember realizing I was, it hit me in like, I must have

been junior or senior year, because we had it at that point, like, you know, they had like pizza every day, fries, you get burgers. Cause it was like, this was like the early 2000s. And every day I would get either like a two soft pretzels and fries and an iced tea. And I wanted to be like, I was just like, I'm not really eating like in my head. That was just like, I'm going to have a snack. And looking back, I'm like, that's like in like a week's

worth of carbs. Yeah. And like two months worth of sugar out of those fucking Swiss iced teas. What was your salt pretzel plug? My ex, uh, in Philly at the thing they didn't have in the school. No. No, but when we moved to Jersey,

they did a nice pretzel braid. Oh. Oh, and there's Adler. The pretzel braid is killer. The pretzel braid that has the salt on it that makes the bag get wet. Yeah, baby. Gentleman's pretzel. And for some reason, because it was the school selling them, you could have them in class in South Jersey. Wow. Having a snack while you're learning

in a glass of water. He's eating a loaf of bread in science class. And again, I'll tell you, I had to stop myself from just problem out eating like a candy bar I had to break pieces off something everyone's gonna see my bag Come over and karate chop my bag halfway through and realize there's nothing in there. I keep blowing it back up The food in school my school was was terrible. And then that sucks. And then briefly, I want to say it was junior high. Yeah, like sixth grade. I think it was. That was the year.

So again, my step-pop was pretty new in our lives. And I was starting to get to like, he's starting to make some rules. That seems weird. And nothing crazy, obviously. My step-pop's still with my mom, I love love him dearly, but like it was just new. And I was starting to do the the Conti kid that was raised by his mom and grandma for all that in-between time. So my grandpa died and everything. So like it was very close to my

grandmother too. And like my step up started doing like the dad, like dad, if I was living with dad, it wouldn't be me. Sure. And then my mom was like, you know what, smart. She was like, yeah, you know what? You should go. You should go with your dad. I'm like, I will then.

You can almost tell from my, I didn't hear the reaction because he tried to, I'm sure to give me positive reaction. But when I said that my mom says I can move out there, I mean, in hindsight, feeling his voice be like, what's this? And I was like, yeah, they say I can move out there. And he's like, oh, you know. I got a busy June coming up.

So somehow he agrees. It's tax season. Somehow he agrees. And I go out there for Ohio or something. I can't know Ohio. Wait, what year is this? Sixth grade. So this is in the middle of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like sixth grade, but it's short lived. So you go Philly, Ohio, Philly, Jersey. That's the overall timeline. Yeah, yeah. All right, so you're out of there.

And what months? Yeah, what months? This is a blip on the radar. All right. This situation. I don't think emotionally Yeah, what months? This is a blip on the radar. All right. This situation. I don't think emotionally it is. No. It's a blip.

So how did he get out to Ohio? His company that he worked for. OK. Testing underground diesel tanks for leaks. And dude, you are fucking something else. Why'd I give you your daddy's under diesel tanks release. Okay. Specific set of skills. Very specific. We test your underground diesel tanks please. He didn't clean a leak or anything. Just let you know. You guys are fucked. You guys are fucked. All right, we're out of here. Good luck with that. You guys are fucked.

You guys are leaking diesel all over the place. I'm not going to get out of here. You guys are putting eyes on this thing. He's bringing somebody to clean this shit up. It's a mess down there. You can smell it. Okay. And who's he living out there with?

Is he solo? Well, wait. So this is, so he lived, he had that job. Okay. And who's he living out there with? Is he solo? Well, wait. So this is... So he lived... He had that job... That was like the parent company was out of Ohio. He still lived in Delaware or Jersey with my first stepmother, Kathy, and her three

sons. Great stepmother name. I think you mentioned that early in the first year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And her three sons. And then he just started, I think, he started cheating on my first stepmother with a lady who worked at the company in Ohio. Mm-hmm.

And then just probably was looking for an excuse. And then one day he was like, how many times are you gonna keep putting the toilet seat down? You know, I'm like, he just left and moved in with my stepmother in Ohio. So funny in the sense that also, talk about a switch in life. My dad, I always thought, I may have said this to you already, but I always thought his name was Jay.

Like also, Jay. Okay. Um, because everybody called him. It's a tattoo he had on his arm. Says Jay. Not for me. They didn't call me Jay. They called me Jay. You know, tattoo he had on his arm. Says Jay, not for me. They didn't call me Jay, they called me Jay. So like Jay on his arm, all of his stepbrothers and stuff.

And then went around, my mom, my grandmother, everybody called him Jay. And then he moved to Ohio and I had to get used to the fact that my father's name is Gary. What? Everyone just called him Jay. Cause like his middle name's James. And then he sold soft pretzels at the stadiums when he was younger

They called him JJ the fat soft pretzel boy And so it got shortened to Jay doesn't even rhyme Dude also not knowing your dad's name till you're older is wild pretty wild Gary who's Gary keeps getting his mail sent here. Yeah, I thought I was helping him keep up a lie with my stepmother He goes, they think you're Gary still, huh? Who's this Gary guy that you Mr. Ripley'd? So, um. What age did you learn his name?

12. That's too old. 11 or 12? That is way too old. 11 or 12. Who's this Gary? A scary character. Yeah, what kind of scheme you pulling out here?

I'm in, I'll play ball. Let me wet my beak. This could be a real sweet deal for both of us We just have two families different places different names Gary kill this Gary guy I'm confused. You know, you know, this is Gary. This is Jay. Oh, hi. Oh, I'm a guy Gary Gary nuts. So uh, so when I tell my mom He so he reluctantly Takes me out there my stepmother from the day she met me,

never quite dug me. What a way to put it, dude. And so was, someone's explained to me also, it's like, just like, I'm a reminder of just like a different life. I mean, he was like only like 30 when, you know, he was 30 when he met my current stepmother. You know what I mean?

Like the one he's been with since he left Kathy But I go up there for six months do my stepmother in the summer school year What are we talking? I go and like the summer right before the school year, okay? So the plan is you're leaving that school. You said your goodbyes to everybody. Good. Robert E. Lamberton Hi, elementary garden through 12. Okay Yeah, thanks kindergarten through 12. Okay. Yeah, Kindergarten through 12. Goodbye forever. Start my life in Ohio.

Where again, I go in there with the real like, this is all new me. I can really go in here and kill one. I'm gonna do really good in school. Sure. I'm gonna blah, blah, blah. Sure. Good in school.

And I'm gonna change everything's gonna be different now. I'm out of the city. Like look at where I can, I'm in a house. There's a house that. And I'm going to change everything. It's going to be different now. I'm out of the city. Look at where I get a house. There's a house that's attached to, that's not even a big house, but it's attached to nothing. It's just like a suburban life that I'm like, this is neat. It's like a Disney movie.

Yeah. You're excited about this. Also, wow. Grandma and mom obviously said you're going? Very. Okay. What a way to put a single family. I got a house attached to nothing.

That's where I'm going. We don't need a joining law. Guys, if I need help, I've got a security system. Nothing touches my nose. Is your dad doing okay? He's doing pretty good? Not there? No. No, it's just a low cost of living out there. He's always done like, hey, a win's a win, baby. Sure. All right. And I mean, he works currently in an auto zone.

So like, I mean, delivering parts. So like, no. Okay. And who's in this house with your dad? Is it just the- At the time, maybe he had my first brother, half brother. With the ladies that worked at the company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they married? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they married? Yeah, yeah. So he divorces Kathy. Divorces Kathy. Marries Diane. Has he ever married to your mom or no? Yeah.

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They're all right. Because they're, whew, whew. That's my snuggle pillow, I hug it. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. That's helixsleep.com slash garbage with code helixpartner20 with helixbettersleep starts now. Go it. Go away. So he's married to Diane.

Diane, they just had a baby. And then you roll in. And as you said, she wasn't the big... She wasn't stoked. And had your own room? Yeah. Nice. And also quickly though, in fairness to Diane,

I always say this as an adult, you have to reflect. Sure. She did things that I would consider very mean, but probably pretty necessary. Like, I would have things like, I would notice, again, I don't know when I was a kid that I'm eating myself to death. You're just like, I love food things.

And she was, and this is a very like at home at night, like cooked, not good cooking, she didn't cook good, but she cooked. Yeah. And I didn't like, I'm used to a life of like cheese steaks, hoagies tonight. You're used to single mom living, not family unity. So I'm not super into this stuff.

This fucking gross ass turkey she used to make. It was disgusting. It was like a turkey, it was so bad. It was like a yin yang of dark and white meat. I'm like a two. I know exactly what you're talking about. It used to make me so upset. My dad was just like a fucking,

put bread and butter and slop it up and eat it with anything. So I did a lot of late night sneaking, grabbing little Debbie's and all the little snacks and heating up super pretzels and all this shit. Then she started hiding snacks. And I really made a point of contention about that, but she was probably saving me from

myself. But then she meets this guy, you know, they start a life together. But her then they're still summer the undertaker. She's a grim reaper. So and she's just we're not me and her are not connecting. Let's just say and she's pretty overtly out there about it. And even today, she reluctantly enjoys me like she doesn't Let's just say and she's pretty like overtly out there about it and

Even today she reluctantly enjoys me like she doesn't want to and she doesn't always come when I go to Ohio My dad my dad will literally walk there if he had to from Canton the Cleveland to get there Yeah, to go see the show now. You know, I mean I get it. That's awesome. Oh, but I mean well, I mean it's nice It's nice. Yeah, I try to, well. I mean, it's nice. It's nice. Yeah. I try to take it for granted, because people have lost their debt. You know, like Soda. Of course. I remember I was Soda like,

oh, my dad comes early now, wants to have a thing. Where were you on my 13th birthday, big kid? Yeah. But Soda's almost like, ah, it's gotta be nice. So you go have a beer with your pop. And I'm like, ah, right, it is, I guess.

But so I go out there and I'm too, try to do all right in school. Ohio was one of the weirdest short term experiences in my fucking life. It was, I didn't understand it. I don't know if this would happen today. This. This going into seventh grade.

I would say. Yes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's, everyone's got a real thing about me being from Philadelphia. City particularly, the city, everyone's got a real thing about me being from Philadelphia. City, particularly, like a city. City boy.

Rough, rough next city kid coming in. And I didn't get it. But I'm not, I'm like a jolly fucking like, you should all be friends. You wanna jerk off in the same room together? I'll do that, if you guys say I'll be cool. So, I'm trying and I'm making some friends. So I make one friend that would say it was like a friend friend.

I stayed friends with him for years upon even moving back. This kid Kenny, who was huge, black dude, tall, I mean six foot five easy, fat, big, big fat kid. On the football team was gonna go to McKinley, which you may have even heard of that school. It's like where the Hall of Fame is. McKininley, which you may have even heard of that school. It's like where the hall of fame is. McKinley High School. You mean you haven't even heard of that school?

Now I haven't. Did you bring him back today in Sash Park? No, no, no! Do we eat or at a house at home? I remember going to his house. It smelled so funny, but he told me about so much rap that Kenny, but Kenny was the kid walking home from the bus holding the boom box, like he was that kid.

Okay. And I would walk with him all the time and it kind of like was cool because then all of a sudden that city kid shit was just getting where they were like, being fucking bullied like off the bus, like on the walk home by these kids. Like a, and like pot luck, like no one in particular.

Just a group of these like asshole kids. Straightening like Rambo. Get out of here. And they weren't scary physically. I mean, as a group, I guess, you know, you're not gonna do a thing, but I won. I didn't want to fight. You know, I'm brand new. I wanna like make friends and shit.

And it's also just like, so I'm just, and I also said I don't wanna get in trouble. I was getting in trouble also and feeling like fighting and shit a lot. Okay. And I was like, I don't wanna get in trouble here. I want to like come on man This is gonna be the turnaround year. No you you guys I put that life behind me. Yeah, I came I came I came home and

My dad was home early from work or something one day And he just sees my face like miserable and he's like what's wrong and I just open like the Curtains and you just see like I mean he's like these like little pasty like blonde haired hillbilly you know like fucking hay seeds out there like the villagers are at David pitchforks and he was like what's that about I go I don't know like they all know each other and no one knows me so I don't know why I don't understand why they're fucking with me and he was like and then my dad does like you know, he's a self-filling dude So he's going like you find out which one's got the mouthiest one the mouth when you knock him the fuck out

He's give me all that if I goes. Yeah, I go You know I don't get in trouble and he's like he's like now You're defending yourself and these people are saying I just fuck that and he's always like you know throw the first punch Do like my dad was like a very like street fight guy. They're out in front of your house. No, they had already, he was telling me like moving on, like don't just, you don't have to, he was basically saying like, you don't have to eat this shit

because you're gonna get in trouble here. Okay. And then I went the next day and I was like, oh nice. So let me, and they came off and someone goes, yo, I heard Marcus is gonna kick your ass when we get off the bus. And I was like, oh, nice. So let me, and they came off and someone goes, yo, I heard Marcus is gonna kick your ass when we get off the bus. And I was like, okay, you know, like, for no reason, for no reason.

Where's the big guy? He's not on the bus? Yeah, he is. He think they'd be petrified at Kenny if he was that big. You'd think. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Kenny at some point is legitimately told me that he wasn't getting involved. In fact, when it all unfolds, he was across the street holding a boombox, like say anything. I mean, he was literally holding a boombox and he didn't come across the street.

He was like, man, I don't want to get involved in this, which I thought was weird. But I also wasn't pushing him to like get my, I was almost just asking him to do. I'm like, hey, don't let me get like jumped, please. And he was like, Yeah, as they go. So Marcus, and we get to this, someone's like front lawn, which is a bad move too. It's going to get broken up pretty quick. And, uh, Marcus like comes out of the group. It's the smallest.

It's insane. This poor kid they sent out to be the one to beat up the new kid. I get he was tiny and it was a just unbrewered. You're almost six foot or six foot at the time? Big kid, yeah, for sure. I beat the shit. I mean, as much as a kid can. I'm also not like a killer.

You know what I mean? So it's like, you know, I hit him on the ground. I'm giving him like, you know, the half crying, half like, you know, whatever. You done? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of you done. And just go and like nutty on him and then left.

Go home, my dad gets home and I mean we are, it's the closest I've ever felt to the man. We're so getting along and he's cheering and he wants to hear about the story and what I did. What? Something happens like the kid, I don't know, the kid kids parents knew my stepmom or something so they knew the house number they call the house phone and my dad

answers the phone it's that kid's dad calling and I don't know what he's saying and my dad's kind of going like well you know boys will be boys doing all that shit and then my dad I don't know what the guy says my dad snaps and he goes yeah he goes you keep going how about I come back over there my son I'll kick your son's ass again then I'll kick the shit out of you on the thing. And I'm like, yeah, dude! Ha ha ha ha ha! This is great!

This is what we've been missing out on this whole time! My stepmother comes home and she was like, I will, you move here and you become an animal. And she just read me down. And that was like the last straw of things I remember just calling my mom, be like, can I come home, please? Can I please come home? And my mom was like, yes straw of things where I remember just calling my mom, be like, can I come home please? Can I please come home?

And my mom was like, yes, a million times, yes. And then I just, I remember going back to my school and Philly like on a fucking random Tuesday and going to the office and Lashanta Frederick going like, I thought you moved away to Ohio, I'm back. And then just had to walk into a classroom where I knew everybody, because I said kindergarten through 12th grade

Yeah, I knew every was are you walking the class? You're like, oh, that's much better You know the people who don't give a shit about me don't give a shit the people who are my friends my acquaintances There was at least you're like, you know what at least I understand this fucking little nugget. Yeah Man long was that six months? Including like summertime Three months, dude months it was so back by Thanksgiving yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure I'll be in the Thanksgiving Bowl it was so bad a little bastard Marcus what he's doing now fucking

Marcus piece of shit you think if that could have blown over maybe it would have turned a little bit it's straight very possible. It's straightened everybody out. It's very possible, but I just think in hindsight of it, I went for such dumb reasons. You know what I mean? It was like that weird, my stepmother would have never, I don't know. You would have probably never came around.

No, I'm not an Ohio person. Shoot, shoot. The way I grew up, almost what we did was exactly the person I am. Uh-huh. Even in my aspirations to this day, it's like, no, I want to live in a nice place right outside of the place that's got the awesome shit out.

So, South Jersey was perfect. Right. Somehow in South Jersey, I was closer to, like, the Sixers and Eagles than I was living in West Philly. Sure. Travel-wise, even, you know? Yes. And if you would do something fun, so I like being on the even, you know? So like, and if you do some fun,

so I like being on the, on the berm. In the, in the burbs like that though, you know, I can always, things he listed were the stadiums. I know. I'll be, I'll be close to the jet or jet row line. I can only speak for the Philadelphia area, but the camaraderie way to get out. Yeah.

On the highway. You want to face this way. You got to walk a little further, but you know. But the camaraderie and the burbs for the sports and all that stuff, it seems a little tighter, and it's a little more, I don't know, it's weird. It's like more in your face and more to celebrate. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? Because there's room. There's room to celebrate. Yes. All right. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. So you're back in South Philly, or you're back in West Philly.

Yeah, yeah. Then what's the time period between West Philly and, so, what, three, four years probably? Well, that was sixth grade, yeah. No, more than that, because we moved. I only went to like the last two months of 11th grade and then all of 12th grade in Jersey. And what was the catalyst for that? Your mom and stepdad moved out there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just both they finished college finally. Okay. Not finally. I mean, my stepfather actually finished fast. They

just didn't decide my mom went back to college at like 29. My stepdad went back at like 30, I think or something or maybe 28. Yeah, he's a little young. He's like a year younger than my mom. So yeah. And then they moved out there into a single family home. Townhouse. Townhouse, yeah. It's still connected. Still connected.

Sure. They're still in that townhouse today. Still connected. Still connected. What's the social life after you return from Ohio? What's the group of friends looking like? What are you doing on a Friday night? You hanging at the courts?

You going to the playground? You start drinking? You start smoking? What's the? We weren't like party kid. My friends were all like, stay over my house and like video games, watch movies and shit. Okay.

My grandmother would take us to get West Coast video and rent movies. A lot of stand up shit, honestly. But like a. Okay. You're watching this all up in your room in the house. No, my grandmother's house, the basement. Okay.

She was in a row home. So the basement was finished. They had like the one room was like carpeted and. Nice. With like a couple of shitty couches. Okay. And like a TV. And what was the snack situation at Grandma's?

What were you and your friends allowed to cherry pick out of the fridge? Or what was the move she kept it very? For one thing that I still love that y'all never seem to be able to recapture skin on Pudding in the homemade. You know I'm talking about One of the few things of a texture that seems like it's kind of gross that I don't know why I love a good skin on pudding Yeah, the homemade pudding is so much better, but most of it was honestly like she was working pretty hard

She always like cared about her weight. She was never heavy at all my grandmother But like she just always watched her weight and definitely saw she had a weird grandma's thing of She wanted to spoil me and give me everything I wanted, so it was. But the in between was not strict. But like the snacks in the house were like Weight Watchers Fudge Sickles, like brand. I've been on the fucking business end of a box of them.

Yeah, smart. Those things ain't too shabby, dude. Yeah, they're all right. You feel like you're exercising. Oh, how about the ice milk bars, where it's not even ice cream, it's ice milk with chocolate, hard stuff around. They were great.

I remember my mom switched over from ice cream to like, it was like Edie's frozen yogurt. Yeah. And it was the first couple of bites are tough, but. Once you get the taste, once you get the, once you get the hooks in you, and it ain't no better than anything else. She would get us like the flavorless popcorn, but like, we always like Molly McButter.

You could sprinkle on your own powdered flavoring. always like Molly McButter. You could sprinkle on your own. Powdered flavoring. What's Molly McButter? It was like, it's like the same thing. It looks like it's garlic salt or something. Oh, oh my God. And you powder up your own popcorn. It's like the consistency of the Kraft Parmesan cheese.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Absolutely. Mollyllemic butter. Popcorn flavoring. So a lot of that, it wasn't too much. I mean, even when we snuck in and took booze, because we thought we were going to impress this girl, when we got there, it was cooking sherry I took. Jesus Christ.

I didn't know. You guys want to saute some onions? What's up, bitch? You brawls want to get some aromatics going? Can drunk on Jerry's Jubilee. I got some pruno if you're down. Yeah. And then you get to the sizzle a little bit and you, bam! Hey, my parents are going to wake up. Sorry, sorry. You got a hot plate going. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss You some for me one for the chef What are the You just pull up another one of them

This does feel very true detective to be honest with you That's what we're doing, man. You're making little guys out of the cans. Ha ha ha. Time is a circle. This is like the Frost Nixon of dirtbags, man. What were the grades like throughout all this? Always just good. So, Boca your high school was in West Philly. Yeah.

What was the mascot, by the way? Blue Devils. Okay. That's pretty good. But no external competitive sports except for, what was it, the long distance running the cross country? I don't understand that. Cross country?

You did cross country? Oh, they didn't. No, I didn't do them. All the school had that was like, not intramural was cross country. I don't understand that. A Philadelphia public school? Not being in the- It was just a broke school.

It was like, if you look at the picture of it online, you can see Robert E. Lamerton High School. It's still, it's just covered in gate. And could you- Like the windows are like barred up and everything. It's like a, it's such a weird place. Could you have went to another public school in- The smart kids when we got to high school went to Central. Jesus dude, that looks like a fucking-

I had a cousin or what, dude. When my cousin got into Central, it was like, we had a party for him. Yeah, Central or masterman some kids would get into. That looks like a rebel or what do my cousin got into central it was like we had a central or masterman Some kids would get into that looks like a rebel base That looks like a jail or some of them would go to a St. Callista she's move over like the Catholic school They had to pay for though. Yeah. Yeah, so and not be Jewish gotcha

It's a frown upon that You know, it's funny when you're asking about the walk to school I was saying like 90 degree hill. The way West Philly was broken up that area over Brooke Park was down the hill and up the hill. And the up the hill kids were like the nice boys, which is when more of my friends were up there. And then the down the hill kids were like the riff-raff, but like the cool kids, obviously. And I lived right on a Brockton Road, which was even though it was called down the hill It went back up a hill and then

Lambertin was on the good boys side, but 90 degrees straight up. So every day the walk to school was Grueling it's probably why I didn't smoke. I tried smoking one time on that walk to school with a friend I took a new port light for my step up when he wasn't looking. You're smoking Newport lights? Yeah. That's in a quiet place. No, maybe Newport hundos even. But whatever it was I lit it and being fat and smoking and coughing on that 90 degree walk I was like I don't think smoking is for me guys. Never picked it up again though I was like 19 or 20. So the grades were what you said? So I had a pretty good plan. Every year I knew I was gonna fuck off eventually.

So I'd go into the beginning. My step-pop's a great resource. My step-pop's brilliant. Super smart guy. So like, he was a good resource. He also was young and wanted to hang. You know what I mean? It's basically, you know, he's taking care of my baby brother

while my mom's at work. He's studying for like school shit. So he just kind of helped. You know what I mean, it's basically, you know, he's taking care of my baby brother while my mom's at work He's studying for like school shit. So he just kind of helped you know I mean, so like we uh, so he was like a good resource to like help me do all right in the beginning of the year I would always try to like grind out good grades Was little work as possible and then coast the rest of the year on like Leukeas my way down on good credit. Yeah So it was never like I was never gonna like really fail for grades or anything, but I never like got an award for grades either.

It was just to stay off the radar. My parents didn't get pissed if I just kept passing and moving on. Seize a couple of Bs. Yeah, Ds and Fs they would have like been, even Cs and Ds they would have not liked. Yeah, Bs, very little A's. And what did you wanna do?

Did you have an idea of what maybe you wanted to be when you got older? No, I mean, the cops sounded fun except they were all banging my mom. Sounds like a good time if he has me, Jake. For sure, man. She definitely kept our fucking apartment safe in that bad neighborhood.

Also at the same time, was there any extraracurricular activities, were you part of any groups or anything or there was no after school stuff, you would just go home and start watching TV and... Hang with friends, no, after school right away you'd hang with friends. And then I said it was like high school, started to come upon, was more like sports every day after school. So I was like after school and then we're gonna go play basketball or football. Would you have wanted to play organized sports like would you if the school had a football

team would you have wanted to play football or big ball? Yeah, I think so. I think I would have. Big kid what do you mean? Yeah, and then I remember like one of the my grandmother's neighbors Joe Calto Biano, what a good name. He was like the coach over at St. Colistus for so he was always was saying like he would love me to like go to that school. But it's like one, you got to pay for it. Two, I'm Jewish.

Three. They wouldn't let you in. Maybe they would have, but I'm just saying either way, it was just like a school switch for like a high football thing. It just seemed like it was more just like him going like, I wish we could have you out there. I don't know. I just knew him. He was like the neighbor.

But no. And then when I went in between junior and senior year to South Jersey, I did join the football team. Okay. I went to Hell Week. I did the Hell Week trading the two of days. Uh-huh. And that was for five days, I think.

On the fifth day. This is going into your senior year, I would assume. Yeah. Okay. Because you missed your junior year. Yeah, yeah. For the fifth Fifth day of second in a row. I came and I was like

So excited this was over the two of days and I was even feel like I was doing and I thought I was doing good that day Because I'm like this is it, you know, you see the light at the end of time also like I'm gonna put it 110% today And I were doing field goal prayer enough you'll go 10% today. And I was doing field goal practice, or not field goal, punt practice or kickoff practice. Where everyone just runs, it's just like gun for the ball and surround it.

And I mean, this guy kicked the ball and I remember watching the ball go up and start running. And I just remember going through my head of like, how accomplished I felt like I won. I feel like I'm not like trailing in the group that much running down there. I'm not running like last. And something I was just like, I'm cutting the wind here, I'm not like trailing in the group that much running down there. I'm not running like last.

And somehow I was just like, I'm cutting the wind here, I'm moving. So I go, this is good, I'm getting better this week. You got this whole year in front of you. Everything's coming together. And that coach goes, he goes, oh, Gerson, if you don't get that lead out of your fat ass, I'm gonna bite it out.

And the next play that we did to run his practice, I faked in the injury and quit. Jesus Christ. Why? He was hurt. I was just like, I was just like, dude, this is not like, I'm not ready. Like this age, I'm not ready to like, understand the coach, whatever relationship. And I was just like, yo, fuck that. Like I was like, yeah, it was like bummed. I'm like, if I was dealing with

that since I was like seven years old and pop Warner, 10 years old, it was like yeah, I was like bummed. I'm like I mean if I was dealing with that since I was like seven years old and pop Warner Okay, you get it was just like I was new in my mind also. That's what dude Shane Gillis You go from being one of the hardest laughs I've ever made him have it six when we played football in the show also played street football my whole life or field You know tackle and shit, but I was like If you did lines like you know, maybe I was offensive line for a couple plays But then it's also like no If you did lines, like, you know, maybe I was offensive line for a couple plays, but then it's also like, no, it's good to have me run it sometimes because like I'm hard to tackle

size wise or I could throw good, you know, so it's like I would be the quarterback in a lot of plays. And then you go on the thing and they're like, you're offensive line. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, I can't be running back. And then I just couldn't learn like that. I didn't realize you. But that's what said Shane's hardest laugh when I came in because I told him I went through the coach he goes so is your first time playing organized ball huh I was like yeah he goes what position do you think you want to play and I said I go I mean it looks like you already got your quarterback set so I'd be willing

to toss a couple to see if you like what you see I could throw some routes if you want me to I said you seems like you already got your quarterback sent, so there's that. I guess maybe tight end? He was like, no, dude, you're offensive or defensive line. I was thinking head coach. And then he's like, you're slow too, so offensive line, not even defensive line.

And yeah, over the course of that week, I was like, I think I'm getting the hang of this. And he just yelled and embarrassed me for everybody. I was like, fuck this, dude. Yeah. No, of that week. I was like, I think I'm getting the hang of this and they just yell I'm gonna embarrass me for everybody. I was like fuck this dude. Yeah, no I get that cuz you like you think you're like oh especially in those moments of being a fat Yeah, I'm also gonna be a liability like I was gonna be liability cuz what I didn't realize That's where I was fucking up to over the course of the week And it was not getting much better was I also thought offensive line the job, you know, I don't was I also thought offensive line, the job, you know, I don't,

in spam a kid. So it's like, I don't inspect what their job is. I just think you block the guy who's in front of you. Four guys are trying to run towards you and four guys are trying to block or five. You have the one in front of you, like make sure he doesn't get to the quarterback. It's so, so much more complicated than that.

Like very few times you just block the guy who's right in front of you. That's like, most of the time you don't do that. So it's pretty wild. Like, and I was just like I'm a liability They'll let me on the team because they just have to I get and I was just like I fuck this and I'm gonna get out Huh, and then the kid can't catch a break about a different time though The coaches who were our teachers would call me in the hallway a lot pretty wild But like almost like a ball buddy way thoughust-y buddy way, though, for quitting?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god. But they were like, you know, it's like, yeah, sorry. He goes, maybe if you stop being a faggot and get out there on the field or something, you're like, I don't think you can say that to me. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Man. The life in time. It's nuts. What the? Chronicles of Jason. Chronicles of Jason I feel like Dennis Miller on Joe dirt I'm gonna ring this for I'm gonna ring this for every hour I can shave your hair like that is just growing all white trash you

Oh, fuck. Man, Jay. Did you like that school? The... In Jersey? Because it almost seemed like you were about to come into your own. Out there. Maybe. That didn't happen.

No, I didn't. You know what, it's just fine. I got my group of friends out there, and then it just kind of became regular. Yeah, just kind of just a regular. It just kind of fell into like play. I still say it's friends with some of the Guys back in Philly. Will you drive into school? Something well, yeah, and then I got a tattoo Underage my mom let me not drive the car for six months What was that tattoo?

My name in Old English really tiny way up here and I went to, this is a funny thing, I went to a- That's Everett, that was my fucking dream tattoo, it was old English initials right here. It was, I know, you saw it on somebody who was muscular and it looked cool. I remember being like 15 and me and my boys like, can't wait till my number comes in. It was this big, I mean it was this big,

I mean I'm so small, so afraid my mom was gonna see it. And we played basketball every day after school. And I got it done, I lied, but there's a place though, it's called Jersey, oh I shouldn't, yeah Jersey Devil Tattoo, still stands. Probably new owners, let's hope. But that was the go get. Have a good picture on the wall.

That was the go get tattoos underage. Gotcha. Write a fake note from your parents, they just accept it. A note? That's why. They just accept it. A note? They just accept it. They just accept it. I joined the army. No idea.

And so find them. One of my biggest tattoos is done by that place. But I got it done real small up here at Old English. Went home and was coming back from playing basketball. I had a hoodie on, zip up hoodie over my like a sleeveless shirt. And I was just running upstairs to change and I started taking the hoodie off. And I was just running upstairs to change and I started taking the hoodie off.

And then I pulled it down halfway down my arm and then pulled it right back up. And my mom from the kitchen was like, what's that? What is that? My step-pop trying to save my ass. He was like, oh, it's fake. It's fake, Terry. Don't worry about it, it's fake.

And uh- Good step dad. He was doing a cool thing. And then she was like, is it fake? And I was like, oh yeah, that, yeah, it's just fake. And then she came over and thumb nailed it. Like, and I was like, oh, it's not fake. It's not.

I'm so, and she, uh, it's funny. I should have took the car. She wouldn't let me drive for six months, which was my, I accepted that because her other thing was I'm gonna go to that tattoo place and I'm gonna have them shut down and I go, mom, please don't make me the new kid at school who shuts down the coolest thing happening in town.

Like, could you imagine like, fucking fat new kid comes to town and his mom shuts down the tattoo parlor. Marcus, get out here and fight him. Yeah, some weird germs in jail. Oh, dude. Marcus get out here and fight them. Yeah, some weird germs in jail Dude, I mean Yeah, so guys that's like the six through eighth

Just just a wrap up this time period you graduate it mm-hmm What were the SATs like did you remember you remember taking them? I didn't take them. Yeah, I think we talked about it. I took the I think the PSATs they made us take in school. I just did a when they told us you could leave as soon as you're done. I just did a design and scantron and left and you walked in graduation. Yeah, got rained out though. So after they did it back. Of course it did. There's a storm cloud following you this whole time, boy. They tried to do it on the field. My drunk Uncle Tommy came and came on the field before everything and started saying,

it's my dad's side of the family, my step- well, my dad's step-brother. I love him, though. Uncle Tommy's one of my memories of my mom in the biz. Really? Did you guys have that story? My step-step? Wait, say it again? My dad's step-brother of my mom, the biz. Really? That story, my dad's step. Wait, said it again?

My dad's stepbrother, Tommy and Uncle Tommy. Well, I left for a brief while, I was split up from his, from my aunt Trish, and him and my mom hooked up for a little bit. I think we... I do remember you talking about that. You're not positive though, are you? In the van, he had a van, didn't he?

And we drove, they drove me to my... Yes. Yes. My godmother's house. Yeah. It's a spider web, a trash for you. Yeah, Uncle Tommy showed up, my dadmother's house. Yeah, it's a spider web of trash for you. Yeah, Uncle Tommy showed up, my dad came to the graduation. On the,

my graduation, my dad comes into town, he goes with me right before I graduate, we're not long before is when I lost my virginity. Mm-hmm. And the girl I lost my virginity to was 22. I was 17, she was 22. You brought an O for your parents though. So it's cool.

Yeah. My mom says it's cool. My mom says it's fine. But she's, so she's hanging out and my dad takes me and her the morning of my graduation to a diner for breakfast in South Jersey. And just at one point I asked her, have you ever thought about being with a father? And one point I asked, he goes,

have you ever thought about being with a father? And he's kidding, but he goes, you ever think about being with a father and son at the same time? And you're like, dad? Jesus. I'm 17, this is weird for you to say that. That was weird.

Can you pass the maple syrup, please? That's fucking crazy. Oh dude, when he first met my ex-wife, he was in the back seat of the car while we were driving her to go, she was going to go dancing with a friend of hers and me and my dad was going to come with me to my spots. This is the first time I'd seen him in 10 years. And my ex-wife's in the passenger seat and he was like, man, you look good.

He goes, you don't worry about her going out looking like that? Were they everything all hanging out, like the thing. And I was like, no, it's fine. It's fine. And me and my ex-wife still laugh about this. His head pops between the two seats. And he goes, your breasts are amazing.

Ha ha ha ha ha. These guys are closer, dude. These guys close in ass. He was looking for his fourth ex-wife Your breasts are fantastic. I mean with all due respect you got huge jokes Hey, I'm from Ohio this is how we treat a lady. I'm not crossing them out here, but those are nice hoots That's my dad that was dad meeting my ex-wife. That's insane dude.

Yeah dude, he's the best. So you guys swing or what? You guys party. But Uncle Tommy on the field of graduation. He's doing donuts or what? No, he runs over to me and he starts going, I think it's hilarious at the time, but I mean it is a lot. He's screaming, because people, like, adults are getting involved. Like, sir, you need to, he's like,

it is my Jew boy, hey Jew boy, get over here. Kiss me on the mouth. He's like, kiss me on the mouth? Like, what are you afraid your friends are gonna think you're gay, come on, hey Jew boy. It's my Jew, a little fat Jew boy. Like, fat and all the things, I'm like, oh god. Are you out there in your gown and shit like that?

Like this is the grad- Wait in the walk, wait in the walk and then- It was a denim gown. Then lightning strikes. What? Like in the distance, lightning strikes. The sky gets black and they go, they did about three names and they go,

okay you know what, we're just gonna have you guys, we're gonna go inside, the storm's coming, so pick up your diplomas in your homeroom classrooms and everybody congratulations, class of 1999, you're all graduated. So no names saying at all. And then my poor grandmother is there. It's chaos.

There's one opening of the fence to get back into the school. It's just, my uncle Tommy, my uncle Tommy without asking, picks my grandmother up like a like a fucking baby and Hands her over the fence to somebody Who picks her dad it was The fall of Saigon But I was also 17, so I tell you what everybody afterwards

We rushed back and me and the girl I lost my virginity got back to my mom's house first got one in As long as you get one in the key got away everything all right yeah oh god ladies and gentlemen mr. big j. ocherson chronicles adjacent volume three you're coming back next time baby we just have a set date I think I'm like having a real series going over there are you garbage just keep doing I'm putting out a couple months Yes, of course it's always yeah this this I mean I love you guys like I said for his for history's sake We need to keep talking my head how funny you guys are and what you guys are accomplishing. It's fucking it's so impressive And you guys are hilarious. Thank you man means the world gang legions of skanks the bomb fire the SDR show specials out on YouTube anything else you want the folks out there to know plug

any dates it's coming out next week any dates any socials week date yeah Chicago Schomburg improv in Chicago coming up and then just for laughs in Vancouver two shows two nights only Friday and Saturday, so make sure you get tickets for that. BigJComedy.com. Big J, Ocasin, one of the best. Yeah, for my money's worth, the best stand-up comedian. It's crazy.

He'll be back for volume four, and we didn't even get to so much. I think we stopped in eighth grade. We're still kind of in high school. We just got to graduate. He read Herring a little bit. We ended up at graduation, but there's more meat on the bone. There's more meat on the bone. Kimby, what do you got for him?

Guys, we're on tour right now. All tickets are available at rugarbage.com. Those shows are moving quick, so get those tickets, baby. We love you. Thank you. We love you, gang. We'll see you next week. Peace.