Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - The Chronicles of Jason Vol. 5 w/ Big Jay Oakerson

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

Are You Garbage presents Big Jay Oakerson! We're talkin' new houses, P.F. Chang's experiments and of course Philly Cheese Steaks. You know Big Jay from stand up comedy, Legion of Skanks, The Bonfire, Kill Tony, The Joe Rogan Experience, Matt & Shanes Secret Podcast, Whiskey Ginger, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Stavvy's World, YMH, and more! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! AYG & Friends: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com Helix: 20% off + 2 FREE pillows for all mattress orders https://helixsleep.com/garbage Aura Frames: https://auraframes.com Promo Code: garbage Morgan & Morgan: https://forthepeople.com/garbage or Pound LAW - Pound 529 - from your cell Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's good to be classy. Yeah.

They're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, A-Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's upstairs drying off a pack of heaters that she dropped in her diet cake. Okay, very nice. That's brought to you by Owen on the Patreon. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.

He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, what's up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube.

And obviously, the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com slash are you garbage gang? It's a goddamn party over there Yes, sir And we could not be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guests back with us again today for volume five Is that what it is volume five five of the Chronicles of Jason now sponsored by Lipton hard ice tea? Lipton French onion soup. Give it up for Mr. Big Jay Okerson everybody. Thank you guys. Thank you for coming back. I thought you guys would sit in the fridge for a while. It's funny when I make any moves in life

that I feel like you guys would be the right people to talk to about it. Um, every night when I was at Helium over Thanksgiving weekend, I ordered in food from, like, different places. And the last one I got was Oregon steaks, which was... Like Omaha steaks? No, no, no, Oregon... Oh, like cheese steaks.

Oh, okay. So good. Really? That I, I mean, I bought so many and brought them home, and I had to show people at work. I brought them, I was like, no, no, no, no, but this here.

Because they finally chopped the meat. They can't understand that here. Showed people who work, what are you working in an office? Series XM. Walter and Series XM with cheese sticks to show people. Okay, I got you picked up a receptionist job in a dental office or something like that. The girls at work love them.

I'm doing some light billing for Etna. Watch out, that's a bad job to have now. You're doing cold calls on solar energy? Have you thought about switching at all? Oh wait, I got a question about that. Go ahead. How did you transport the steaks from the night, I assume you got, did you get them delivered to the club?

Yeah. So you just ordered a bunch? Yeah. Okay. And then did you take them back to the hotel or did you drive back drove right back to New York? Okay, throw them in the fridge. Yeah, but you were just in a little bit You were there for the whole weekend, but drove back and forth the bread held up. No, I just done the last night Okay on the Sunday night. There was only one show Did you but had you had already ordered or you found out how good they were earlier on in the? Okay, so you found out Friday night they were pretty good. No, no, no. Double order on Sunday. Got them to watch the game. We watched the game at helium. Gotcha. So you had them early in the day.

I had them and I go, I need to get a bunch more of these delivered. And I made young Dylan go outside so people wouldn't see. Because I always assume even when it's obviously an order that's going to be for several people, I always have that thing that's like, this isn't just me. A lot of people are involved in this. Wait, wait, it's well documented. One diet coke with it. One order of cheese fries and seven hunkies.

Because I do the thing up. What else did I need? I also need bacon, egg, and cheese on a sesame bag. Oh, you start saying games. He goes What else did I need? Oh, I also need bacon egg and cheese Start saying yes goes Jim say But you're looking at the menu at the time Yes a broccoli Rob Jim doesn't like pickles though Just for milkshakes Marty doesn't want to let me call

Getting a tester Getting a tester bag of fucking hoagies is crazy. That was great. Well, here's what's again. And how many is a lot? Or a bag of them? Like six. Oh, that's a lot. Six to go?

You're taking six with you? Well, two of them were hoagies. You gotta throw an Italian hoag in there too, because they can't seem to figure that out here in New York either. It's crazy. No, they cannot. It's really nuts.

I don't know. I don't know what the problem is. It doesn't seem like regional should be these problems. Also, it's not that regional. I mean, it's an hour. It's not like. Correct. But I mean, it's just like the fact

that the good recipe or the way to do it hasn't telephoned an hour and a half up a turnpike. It's not like you're in Aleppo. I can't get a good beef patty. I don't know what the problem is. If they go anywhere you go in this country, and they go, it's Philly guys they blah blah blah some fake bullshit story that they bus in the water.

Re-engineer the bread in the Bronx. You're like okay they were obsessed with Amorosos. Because they have drones bringing in the Amorosos. Starting the college dorm room. That's the shit they're dropping off Amoroses. Starting the college dorm room. That's the shit, they're dropping off Amoroses outside of the Philadelphia. Amoroses and pork roll. Yeah, run these things over there in these drains. Big Jay needs his hoogies.

So you throw them in the car and you bring them home? Bring them home for sure, but here's what's trashy to me. I got a question for you, sorry to cut you off. You throw the heat warmer on to keep them toasty? Yeah. That's a promo. You put them heat warmer on to keep them toasty? Yeah. That's a promo. You put them under the hood? This guy's good.

Yeah, but just slightly, superficially on top of the engine block. No, but what's crazy is the next time I'm going to Philly is Christmas Eve, and I'm already thinking about the amount of light that I'm gonna eat at my mom's, mom's not a cook. Mm-hmm. But she's probably gonna order, my mom's, mom's not a cook. But she's probably gonna order, honest to God what's gonna be great,

I can't wait to tell you she's probably gonna bring in Primos. Yeah, you're a Primos family, dude. Particularly Primos and Sizzlies. A Primos plate. And then every year I go when she says that, cause they're doing Primo, I go, do they have, can I, I'll order this,

I'll pay for it, let me just get a thing like like cheese steaks too and have some of the hot sandwiches. She goes, she goes, yeah, they do them there, but like they say it's not, they don't hold up good. Like they tell her the inside scoop, like the cheese steaks aren't gonna hold up good. Don't even waste your time with the hot watches. It's a very dirt bag thing to be like, I'll pay for it. Like I know what, you might not have the 24.99, I got it.

It's funny, or it's gonna be that and like loose meatballs from like ShopRite. Meatballs in a cro.99, I got it. It's gonna be that and loose meatballs from ShopRite. Meatballs in a crock pot, let's go. But it is, but I'm thinking about how it's like, well let me really pace myself there, I don't wanna go nuts, cause I have a good feeling that Oregon Steaks is gonna be open on Christmas Eve. Yeah, that's their busy season.

Might as well go up there and rip off a couple more of them bitches, bring them home for Christmas Day, you know what I mean? For a Jew boy sitting in New York on Christmas Nothing better. Yeah, there's nothing better. Is anybody in your mom's network show up with a Christmas cookie tray It's got to be some Sure some at my mom's house. It'll be my sisters their husbands my brother Mike each one of those groups has one kid Ron Jaworski he just lives in the neighbor of Roger Warski owns my mom's building my dad rented his office one time so Ron Jaworski John. Yeah, what's that place? Ron Jaworski subdivisions

soft pretzels Is there a soft pretzel tray No, no, they might say my family does not care enough about the Philadelphia soft pretzel. We're a big pretzel fan I'm huge on pretzel. I got a Shane game two of the Eagles season, brought, took me and a couple people to the Eagles game, and we got the high-end Shane treatment. Yeah, it's great.

I've had that at a Phillies game. Real nice. Yeah. Shout out to the big dog. It's pretty amazing. So you know that when we're down, that Fandool lounge was the place you go, like kind of the holding area, and there's stuff in there. And I mean, I've done this more than once

when I get hooked up with something, is that I get so stoked on like the unbelievably free thing that I would have paid for. Sure. That like, I don't even go, there is a, I mean, people nonstop bringing out to these trays fresh sushi, they're watching them make the sushi. They're bringing out Many cheese steaks, but like very artisan shit with like garlic

Yeah, right, so I don't even what I couldn't believe I was like how many times I looked over at Shane or somebody with free Wawa soft pretzel in my mouth going not with free Wawa soft pretzel in my mouth going, this is nuts. This is nuts. You can just have as many of these as you want. You got the dry mouth too. When we were asking them, asking them behind the bar if they had a squirty mustard

because it seemed to be all packets. So like, do you guys have, this is crazy. And we could have, like, can I take some of them out to the thing with us? They go, they'll bring you pretzels out there. I go, shut up. No, I was like, they can't cross over thresholds. Shut right the fuck up. We were ah Like they can't cross over threshold shut right the fuck up

We were we were in one for the Phillies game. We did the 999 challenge and He did they dropped them We're all eating hot dogs and like beers and we're like sweating this out are he's taking it way too serious Dude, and they dropped a fucking a box of Macs Mac and mangos and he a box of mac and mancos and he lost his fucking... He's like, they got boardwalk pizza in here! All the way from Asian City! I was trying to win a jersey. They had them set up like, you remember in The Last Crusade

when all those chalices were in the cave? They were set up like that, single slices of mac and macs fucking just at different little levels on different little terraces Sounds lovely pedestals is what I should say Yeah, I mean I was back to say I was behind the scenes of this thing mad that the cheese steaks were too fancy schmancy I bet I go to all the schmancy on this thing. Yeah, just fucking throw me a piece of a good cheese stick They try to hit you with that fancy cheese cream sauce. Yeah.

A beurre blanc or whatever it's called or I don't know. Fuck it the fuck out of you. One time. Give me the whiz whiz. Yeah, give me the whiz. One time I was going to watch Sixers play the Knicks and Che was supposed to go and then he was like, he last second, he was like,

I can't go but still take the tickets. And he's like, these are good, like you go down the little bowl. Got access. Yeah, so we go in, which is funny. I don't know if I've been on the floor for a concert there yet to not know this is like a concession stand that always exists but for a game like that when you're down there those concessions are free so we went down there's me and Mike it was me and Mike. It was me and Mike for no reason. I got he turned he turned the word free into three syllables

They are a for free It was so free and we got two boxes of popcorn we each got two hot dogs The fact that you remember this is not that you remember what you got me and for me and for no I went We load it up. We were like, dude, let's get a burger. I don't even want a burger But like we're getting split dudes. It's all free. Let's go You lose it money and then we go When we started walking towards so the way I set up is like it's right when you kind of get down Behind the scenes of the lower level

And it's just like We're in that we can't believe it. We got like some beers were free We're like this is fucking crazy. We get to their fridge Everything so wait nobody is it? No, but then when you go if you know this the stadium or the arena at all when you turn right Off of that area instead of going into where the seating is the seating boat when you turn right? There's like an area there. It's just like a bar but for but for games yeah I know you're talking it's set up I mean there's like lamb shanks and like I mean just all you filet mignon also all free

what the fuck's the lame the low rent idea was like we loaded up already we were like holding two hot dogs and then we had to convince ourselves like oh this guy this is a game I I don't wanna have fucking shrimp. Yeah, who the hell wants crab cocktail? When the Sixers hooked me up one game last year, I took my daughter and they gave us good seats and access to that area, Wells Fargo Center, and we went in there and they had all that stuff too,

and we still got the fucking cheesesteak. Both of us, too. I was like, well, why don't I get the cheesesteak and you get one of the fancier things, and then we'll split them up to get, you know know and she was like, but I want a cheese stick I'm like just get the fucking cheese stick. Mr. Oaks and fries. Mr. Oaks and would you like the caviar service? No, but give me a bag of those tootsie pops of the table side whiz

Open and peanuts dropping them on the floor. Yeah, they're making it like Caesar salad table side. I really did feel like It's like Ralphie in line at the thing, like sitting in those seats. I take it so not for granted that the guy next to me just kept going like, keep playing defense like this, this is gonna be a long night, am I right? And you're like, please stop.

This is maybe the only time in my life I'll be sitting here, so please stop. I don't wanna be negative. You know, I'm just being great. This is the greatest night of my life. Yeah, I go, Tyrese Maxx, you just landed on my lap. So could you please? You're smelling him.

My daughter slapped the ball back in the bounds. Her face, I wish that was on TV. Her face, when I went, what was it like? She goes, what? She met an alien. What was it like? I go, the ball. Did you feel their power come into you?

The ball. She goes, like a basketball. What do you mean? I went, the ball. Did you feel their power come into you? The ball. She goes, like a basketball. What do you mean? I went, no, but it's like, is it different? Did it feel like it had a crazy grip? Did you still feel Kelly Oubre's forehead sweat? They should have sent a poet to describe it. I'm not doing this moment justice.

Oh, god, dude. My rudimentary words. Like that rich lady they sent up in the the horizon or whatever, the rich people that went to space. It's like, that's our planet. I really am so boyishly excited. Oh, also that was a funny thing. Worth mentioning when I went to that game with Shane and we got to walk down on the sidelines before the game. It's crazy. In the end zone, it was crazy. But as I learned very quickly that day, how closely from a distance yelled Shane and Jay sound alike.

Because I went in for a lot of stolen valor that felt really silly. I was like, yeah, yeah. And I go, what's up? And you see right quick, it's not you. These cheese steaks are free. It's the pretzel. It's nuts, right? But we're not you. These cheese steaks are free. It's like pretzel. It's nuts, right? But every time I turn around.

We're not like you. We're different down here. How many times I turned around with a wave that turned into just like a swinging arm, just like. What's going on back here, guys? Are those support beams up there? Clearly not me. I had to wait for two syllables.

I'd be like, I'm going to take the shot. That's Big Jay. Oh, buddy. We got to catch up That's Big J. Oh, buddy. We gotta catch up a little bit here. So last we left in volume four, we had started off in comedy. Yes. Went over your trials and tribulations.

You were getting everything off the ground. Your different fashion choices on stage. Of which there were several. And now we're kinda coming full circle here. To present a little bit. Yeah, you've been in the city for a long time and now you're moving out to Jersey. Yeah.

And I wanted to ask you this. I identify all of us in the Greater Philadelphia area. Like I always say, I always preface when they say where you're from. I say the suburbs of Philly. I never say I'm from Philly. I don't want stolen Valor in that regard. Got you.

It all is Philly. The suburbs play such a big role in Philadelphia. It's culturally Philly. I never say I'm from Philly. I don't want stolen valor and that gotcha. It all is Philly. It's been the suburbs play such a big role in Philadelphia early Philly. Yes. Um, you were in the city, but then spent a lot of time growing up in South Jersey. Little time growing. I mean, South Jersey was only like 17 to 22 when I moved to New York. Okay, so it's five years, 17 first seven, 16 years. And so now that you're back in Jersey, do you feel like this is like like you're back home?

The final form, like the final. I don't think Northern Jersey where I'm going to be. So I'm still going to be. You're going to be in order. OK. Yeah, I'm doing it all like commutable to the city. Gotcha. Like this is this will be a 35 minute drive to work. But back in Jersey. But back in Jersey, I'm doing it all like commutable to the city. Gotcha. This will be a 35 minute drive to work. But back in Jersey. But back in Jersey, I'm hoping.

The dental office is only 35 minutes away? First thing I know, the first thing is that there is pretty locally Primo's Hogan. It's Jersey. Come on. But it's North Jersey. You'd think some of these things wouldn't travel up that far. There is a wah-wah three minutes away.

Wow. That's dope. And then I'm hoping, I am gonna find some the creature comforts of back then, because I thought it was interesting, when I think a lot of people had this, especially when I started as young as I did, at 19, when I moved up to New York at 22, I didn't want to move to New York,

do you know what I mean? Like my comfort was still in Philly. It was a scary move, but it was like I had to. So when I went up, I left always with the intention in my mind of like, no, I'm gonna go up here and do what I have to do so that I can eventually move back to Philly. The concept of that now seems insane to me.

A couple of years I'll be back. I don't know why it seems so quick, but here's the thing, I think Shane wants to go back to Pennsylvania. Wait until you get on BET Comedy All Stars, I'm coming. Say that again, I'm sorry. I think even like, Shane would be like, everyone would be happy in some degree, being where they came from. Sure, back to the horse.

Yeah. And so as I understand the comfort of that, the problem is I've been gone now so many. I've been going 22, 23 years. So, it's like I wouldn't be more comfortable there. I'd be less comfortable. I don't know what you've known more. You've lived here longer than there. I like that. Wawa. But I am hoping with that jersey to get a little more of that like kinda. Sure. Okay, let's talk about our good

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significantly different than city pizza places. Well I feel like there's something about better. The I think that for Chrissy pizzas, but I think the quality here is because there's pizza every five seconds of walking. Right. So you don't have to make great pizza. But if you open like a pizza place where it's a competitive thing in a town, you gotta be if you don't make good pizza, like people are gonna just be it'll be over. Like quick, it has to be pretty

good. Have you scouted anything? Cause you said you're closing soon. So, okay. Was any of this in the decision to pull the trigger on a purchase? Local stuff? Did you know that the Wawa was three minutes away? When you were sitting there talking to the realtor, did it ever go through your mind like,

oh, the Wawa is three minutes away? I didn't know. One time when we were driving back from it, looking at it, we passed and I was like, what? I didn't even wrap my brain around the idea. Send him a check. And we are locally wall walking. You get this thing.

I don't care what it takes. Forget about the appraiser, just lock it in. Before we were to find all the Christine's comforters, Whole Foods and Trader Joe's and all that. Is that where we're gonna be shopping? Uh, wherever she shops, man. He'll be shopping at the Wawa. I'll tell you, well, no, I'll tell you where I'm gonna be. And this is, Christine's all, Mike's chick is all

Trader Joe's, she wants to do the Whole Foods, whatever those Sex in the City, I guess, type stores are. Man, you are a talkative person. Sex in the, yeah, cause they always ended up at Trader Joe's. Yeah, high end, but you know, bitches talking high end stuff. You know what I mean? Where you want to go to like an Acme, a ShopRite.

Yes, I'm excited because there is a stop and shop. When I drove through the parking lot, I was like, there she is right there. I understand this place. This makes sense to me. This makes sense to me. They will have the products and the brands that I like. Not Trader Joe's version of whoopie pies or whatever the fuck that nonsense is

Hey, you want your taquitos from Trader Joe's? Those are good though, man. They are good All of their stupid heat up snacks are good. I hate it all the stupid My girl shops there because doesn't require cooking. It's when I go. Hey, I'm hungry. Do we have anything? She's like mini quiches pigs in in a blanket, and filo dough. It's like you're at a wedding reception. Yeah. We have quinceanera food in my house, exclusively. We don't have any toothpicks, though.

I can't eat them. She likes to make a nice ramekin. And she pours. She takes a lot of pride that she does half mustard, half ketchup in the same one. Whoa. This is pretty good. Damn, I didn't know she was a culinary fucking master. She's a little bit of relish. Yes, chef. She's not a cook. Mustard half ketchup

She's not a cook she's creative a presentation though. She's had a plate should I've ordered well That's funny. I do that kind of about the I got a ramekin when you feel like you're chef Ramsay when you have a rack in Absolutely, and I like mix up two or three sauces in there And I do them when I'm I really feel like I'm on the bear when I do a little taste ah that's it fucking up P.F. Chang's used to give you three sauces and then yes experiment yourself what are we doing here so COVID started you can't allow this kind of experimentation amongst the fucking masses shut this down or asking J if he wants another die coke he's like not right now i'm in the laboratory

He's got mice running around Remember now they do if you go to pfjangs now it's it's one sauce That's the combination of the three they used to give you they don't want you playing with fire anyone. What are we playing? God? I'm just trying to eat fucking mall chinese food How the Egyptians fell. What are you, crazy? Don't anger gods. Jason, I wouldn't do that. Hey, easy there, easy.

Everybody run! Guys, we got about five minutes before this thing blows. Yeah, he goes, oh god, oh me go, Jay. Oh, oh God. Oh, there's trouble. It starts sizzling. P.M. Chang's does too much when you slice the egg rolls diagonally like that. I like it.

I like it. And you have that one little tip. Yeah, but you get a good, it's good for dipping and you get a large chunk into your mouth and your gullet. They've also, they have a, they They try too hard, P.F. Chang's, yes, to make it be taste somewhat different than the regular order.

But if they just make the most basic thing good. Yeah, kill it. They don't they don't do that. They try too hard to do. They're out of the getting out of their fucking wheelhouse. Their general towels. The same thing with Panda Express, General Sal's. OK, I'm sorry lieutenant

You know Kevin Minard and Mandarin Those Cantonese I apologize sorry My dialects I Didn't realize you guys weren't playing ball. I apologize No, but they're they're like sesame chicken orange chicken is banging just do that Yeah, and stop with the little things that look like packing noodles the little little rice strings I'll tell you get the lettuce wraps you're gonna want those rice strings. You know crunch is my grandma would say My grandma always put a piece of iceberg lettuce on every sandwich, and she would say for crunch

Looks a good mouth feel Yeah, my mom was real textury So you when you get settled in there, let's stay with the grocery store You're telling me you're not gonna have the first big order. You're not gonna be involved in that. You don't want to go I will that's the whole well the first order you guys gonna go to is a Costco because I've never ever lived in a situation Where it's like how about we have toilet paper for a we ever? You got the room now, yeah Yeah, and I want to say things like Christine get up in that attic and pull down some of our fucking surplus of toilet paper

That's where you're keeping it. I think I've seen pictures. You do not need to resort to the attic. You can only keep 60-some rolls out. Paper towels in the crawl space. Well, I'll tell you. Are you a name brand paper towel toilet paper guy? Yeah. I feel like you need a nice, you need a quality product. Well, a lot of people would argue

with my toilet paper choice. I go Scott and people say, well, it's rough. I respect it. It's rough. And I go. It's got a grip. It is rough, but that's what's gonna pull the stuff out of there. I feel like all that quiltage is just

sear and shitter around my head. It's too much, yeah, it's too soft. It's like a cotton ball, gives me the willies. It's not what I'm looking for. Now that said, we can get into this for a second because this is karma that I wanna make sure doesn't come my way, so I'm making wide apologies.

This house is a septic tank. Okay. In fact, when we had the house inspected, one of the things they came to us with, which almost had us not getting the house, was that it needed a brand new septic. It was just outdated and done, which is a big job. Yeah.

Technically that fell on the sellers. Whoa! So they did it. No shit. They had already done it. It's getting done. it's probably done by now Yeah, I'll swindle you a little bit Well, let me tell you something what I didn't like about this was when it came back

And it was my thing where I was like hey if they're not gonna do that like themselves like I'm not paying for adding that to the price of the house and It was like they didn't put pushback at all and there was some element where I was told it sounded like they didn't push Back and they were like yeah, we kind of figured why don't you just fucking change it? I'm a rat dick face you were gonna start shake my hand and then fucking have my shit coming out of my fucking my lawn I would have lasted a weekend you fucking bitch you. You prick fuck. What was the buying process? Did you guys show up to an open house?

Find it on Zillow? Yes, I found it on Zillow. Fan Realtor. Fan? Yeah, Realtor, who's a fan. Oh, okay. I thought there was some new company. Yeah, Fan Realtor, yeah.

I don't remember those. PJN, they don't speak any English, but they are aggressive. You buy a house house now you sell me We went now He went and took it to show it to us, which is a weird then they're done this process before so it is funny like Going in and then at some point like when you walk through especially, especially when you're by yourself, not an open house, you're seeing like yourself in this, especially when you liked it,

we liked it right away, so we were like, yo, this is actually pretty great. Nice place. This is pretty great, not very big, which we kind of wanted also, it's just two of us and a dog. And all that toilet paper. And all that toilet paper, yeah, yeah, yeah, well we got a guest room.

I leave the TV on for my toilet paper so it doesn't freak out when we're gone. I don't want it to bind up. Mommy and Dad will be back in a couple hours, okay? Shhh, shhh. Did you ever get Scott toilet paper wet and then let it dry and then use it anyway? Oh, man. It's like the toilet paper they gave you in Boy Scouts where you have to wet it to make it toilet paper? What? I didn't know that. You ever see that? It's like the toilet paper they gave you in Boy Scouts where you have to wet it to make it toilet paper. What?

I don't know, man. You ever see that? It's like this big, and then you wet it and it becomes like- You were a Boy Scout? How did we miss that? Ah, for a minute. Very short amount of time. In his early 20s.

Yeah. Now, Boy Scouts, I said, my nickname should have been Guys, because that's what I said I would always yell. Like they would go, we went camping. I was in it for a couple weeks. The first camping trip I was done. I went and everybody, I was in it for a couple weeks, the first camping trip I was done. I went and everybody goes, let's go for a night jog

in the woods, very city kids, I am at least, and their jog, and then eventually I started not even hearing their footsteps in front of me anymore and just me yelling the word guys so much, like guys, wait up, guys, please. I see a little more panic each time. Guys, please! That's how you get abducted by aliens. I think we should probably go back to camp.

Anybody else? They said they wanted to go over and like meet up with the girls that were at the girls camp and I think I was like, I don't think that's safe or smart. I didn't bring protection. Then we slept in what I can only equate to that Blair Witch house where the guy was waiting in the corner with handprints all over the wall with leaves on the ground. We slept in something like that, and then I was just like,

yo, this is not my thing at all. So I left the Boy Scouts pretty quick. But back to- This guy's gonna get broke to eat. So back to- Dishonorable discharge. So with the, so the septic tank's brand new. Okay.

But they really, you know, and I've, they say, you know, obviously, like, just toilet paper in there. Shit piss and toilet paper. That's it, no wipes, even if they say flushable wipes. Now what I'm here to say, you know, obviously like just toilet paper in there shit pissing toilet paper That's it. No wipes even if they say flushable wipes now what I'm here to say and you have a large audience So I hope this what's my camera here? I've never ever and I've been to a lot of people's houses that have septic tanks and

Many Airbnb's that have septic tanks where there are signs Begging me three different places in the house, begging me to not flush anything except toilet paper down because of the septic tank down the toilet, even flushable wipes. And every time I have put flushable wipes, cigarette butts, weed butts, anything I could possibly think of,

Noxzema wipes that I use on my face to make sure I don't get pimples. Everything goes down there. True man's man. I have never respected anybody else's septic system, but I'm putting out there in the world, please, don't make me pay the price for that. I'm sorry.

The toilet gods? I will present, there's three toilets. I will have all of them fitted with a lovely bidet that apparently is good Yes, now I have to be because I'm a wipes guy sure this is gonna be a new world for me And everybody says it's great to me. It sounds like I'm shitting on a stick like it's a test now. They're great Yeah, yeah, you'll like it. You're a big guy too, so you could tell yeah, what does it work for you? Really now autopilot what is scrubbing bubbles like first things, you know, you're done. You squirt that water. It's hard enough to feel you're getting getting clean Oh, yeah, and now my question is what's the after the squirts happen? You got to do it

You got to do a little you know, how many how many fucking fist grips do you take up there a Lot less than if you didn't have it. Yeah. But you say two, three fist grips? No, I would say maybe one or two. You should be good. Never less than two because even if the first one's clean, I always go in for another just to make sure he goes. And I'll tell you what, I've had an all white come up and a little brown speck come up after an all white before. Yeah. It's happened. Goddamn Houdini down there. I got to tell you this. You think all that shit's gone? Nope.

One red crushed red pepper flake of shit left. My age and my size, I see one spot, two spots. I'm OK with it. No. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. No, no, no.

I'm usually coordinating it, though. I'm going into the shower. That's OK. That's different. No, it's not. Different game. No, it is not. 90% of the time. my different game. I've always tried to be so clean I said because when something smells bad in the room mine as a fat guy you want to make sure it's not me

Of course assuming people think it's me if I have two little shit dots still and I haven't had a full two blank wipes When there's a smell I'll assume it's me I'll awkwardly leave I would uh be like a shame I would definitely think it's me I go those two shit specs are fucking creeping back on me. I knew it I'm sweating down there or something Now stirring the fluid it's probably down the back of my knees at this point man. I've done that when you when you see one It's like mice. There's probably the rule of roaches.

You got to block the path of entry. I 100 percent support you on that statement. I also 100 percent support you on the ignoring. Don't put anything else in there. We say your problem. We used wipes for the two years that we lived in the apartment that we're in now. And I think about six months ago Everything stopped and they had the super came up. He couldn't get it with a regular snake

He's like you sure you didn't drop something in there. I'm like, nah nothing He's like he thought it was like a battery or something Clogging it up. So they brought in a Plumber and this guy had like an induct like you could have fucking scaled my building with how long the snake was. Nice. And they went in there and they yanked this out and it was just all wipes. Oh yeah yeah yeah. And we were you we were using these wipes. You cannot. And I'm like I'm sorry that. Did you play dumb? Played yeah no I'm like oh we only use one or two. Meanwhile, I'm going through

Let's take a deck of cards. Oh, absolutely I reckless abandon I get him from Costco and They deliver a nice big old pouch them put one in my suitcase One each bathroom, but those days are over. I'll still get them for the road. Sure I'm not gonna respect some fucking hotel system. We waited about a month and now we are just back. A different brand that says flushable. Of course. Yeah, the Costco band's never had problems with,

but our superintendent when we lived at the other place begged us many times not. And then we would just go, oh, so just, if we ever need him to come in, just don't have them out. Yeah. That was it. It's still happening every day. Sure. Over and over and over.

Yeah. You can't f- The concept- You can't fuck with it like the fresh the concept of and some people do this in their lives of throwing in garbage can anything shit related is ball why don't you try to get one of those like needle depository things like those bio get an airtight some some airtight you know what diaper genie is sausage links so to your fucking of your turd papers one of those air things they have at the bank when you do when you do it

just suits up to just send it off in the god's earth like an airplane spock remember they got rid of spock's body star trek 3 yeah boom oh okay all right so you have a fan that that that that's the realtor so no because I was just gonna say You rolling in you got the gloves you got the hair you got look like you're not qualifying for the loan Thank you. I love you, but it looks like it's luckily He was a fan for that regard for sure because we went to cuz you don't dress it up No, we went no, especially when I'm doing something like this

It's a time where I'm like it would be me coming off of a plane sometimes sweatpants Uh-huh, whatever and then like uh Or like early enough like let's do this and then I we have to go home and get ready for work or whatever So like no it was they always call me sweatpants one leg up By design you smoking out front of the house. Yes. Yeah, you are when you get there First yeah, you gotta know reeking the place up. You know it's nice. I'll tell you what I don't know How much damage it does to a person who doesn't smoke a realtor doesn't smoke if your realtor which I a couple of them did Smoke now there. It's a little buddy buddy bonded. Yeah

Yeah, I know it's like these fucking nerds probably don't even smoke in here am I right Yeah, you get it. Yeah, I know it's like these fucking nerds probably don't even smoke in here am I right? He's smoking you're gonna be smoking in the house You think no at all cuz you're very you're a very cigs inside kind of guy Oh, I thought you were a cigs on the can guy No, you don't like a heater can I smoked in your apartment though. No, I guess we smoked out front. Yeah Yeah, we did smoke out front. Yeah, no cigarettes for do we the house at all. Weed for sure in the house, yeah. Oh, weed in the house all day. Probably less though with that kind of outside,

kind of quiet space. But that was a hilarious thing I tested. This place has, which I love, one of the coolest things I got outside, kind of pavilion. It's nice. It's like a gazebo, but it's like an actual structure. I think if I remember correctly, you got fans outside.

There's a fan, there's a TV, and a fireplace. Pavilion is not the right word. It's not a pavilion. It's a pavilion. It's not a gazebo. It's not a civic center. He's out at the paddock. Jay's in the infield out there.

Check it out. It's just a small little outdoor amphitheater. Got the goddamn tweeter center out there. But it's got the TV and everything out there and like a little thing. But that's, but one of the- No walls, no walls. One of the things I do, no walls, yeah.

One of the things I had to test first of all, because they're also leaving the furniture in that, which is great, like great outside furniture, for that thing. But I had to sit in it right away, on viewing of the house and rip the butt, sitting on that furniture outside in the pavilion, I can go, yeah, I like this

Could see myself doing it because I could definitely smoke butts out here in this thing. This is other people looking at the house That day well It was just us for a while That's what I was saying almost like you're kind of picturing yourself in it And then all of a sudden another guy shows up and then like our realtors got beef with that guy You know I mean, it's like this fucking guy He's probably gonna tell him that the electricity, the electrical system here is perfect.

It's probably just not though. I know. Yeah, I'll tell you for sure. Can you imagine walking in the look at a house and James sitting in the backyard? With gloves on. This place got squatters? Definitely gloves, maybe not gloves,

but definitely everything else you'd think with sweatpants and whatever. You're big James smoking on, yeah. I would assume that you were the son of the person that lived there who died and you're selling the house also under your other siblings. Keep in mind some element of me also kind of likes the idea of that though. I wouldn't look if I couldn't afford it. Yeah, no kidding. Well, I think we have that a lot when I go to not even a nice just a place that I were not used

to. Oh yeah. You're going like, oh, they know I don't like you have like a wrinkled golf shirt on. You know, I don't belong here. And the thing is, like, there is something to it to go on like, like, no, I do, though. I just don't dress like a nerd. Yeah. Pussy. Those are all pussies. I'm still here. I'm out here living the dream. Hey, put his tab on my tab. Like a year and a half ago, we went to Sparks Steakhouse.

Yeah. And it was me. It was us. And Reggie was with us Oh, yeah, and the waiter came over and was like the other table wants to know what the name of your band is There's no way you guys everyone's in suits and ties dude He's got like a fine-shaired on a knitted cap dude. I've worn. I've worn a black hoodie to old homestead Peter Peter Lugers. I walk right in, it's like, who cares? What does it take?

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code. You know it garbage. This deal is exclusive to AYG listeners. So get yours now just in time for the holidays terms and conditions apply. Do it. Yeah. What does it take for you to get out of the uniform and to have I went to Bobby Kelly's for Thanksgiving and put on a black dress shirt. Really? What's a big J black dress shirt look like? Just regular. Like a black long sleeve button down.

Like a DJ at a wedding. Yeah, yeah. Black long sleeve button down. Yeah, no paisley patterns or something funny on it. Not tucked in. Same jeans? Jeans and pants. You have the scarf hanging?

Yeah. Chain wallet? No. Okay. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. No. Gloves?

You have the gloves? I was called out. It's cold. It's gonna be in the end of November. Not for dinner. I put on my eating gloves for that. I mean, not for dinner. Of course, any funeral.

Okay. A wedding. Okay. For sure, yeah. I respect it too. Yeah, no, all those things without a doubt. And by the way, if somebody wanted to go to a place, look, that was the, we had that thing in,

me and Christine went to the Southampton or something for a weekend. It was my birthday time and we went to a- My birthday time? What are you, 11? It's my birthday time. My birthday. My birthday weekend, I guess.

What are you, an old Middle East black lady? It's my birthday month. It was the month. My birthday time. guess. What are you an old middle aged black lady? This is my birthday month. It was the month. My whole month. Birthday time. Birthday time. So birthday time was there in St. Hamptons and she goes, let's go somewhere to eat. We'll go out to eat for your birthday.

So we picked this place. It was called East Hampton Grill. Shout out to them because they suck dick. They uh. Food was pretty good. Said I can't cuz they suck dick they uh food was pretty good though but uh we looked up is there like a dress code for this place cuz I had or I didn't pack anything I didn't know we were gonna go to dinner to a nice place so I didn't pack anything for it so I was like oh it's just like make sure wherever we go just doesn't have a dress code. Yeah a little more cash.

Or call, you know what I mean, and ask. And we looked all over this website for this restaurant, called, they said it was fine. And then when we showed up, we asked, when I walked in, and we kind of said, hey, we have a reservation for two, whatever, I was like, don't tell me right there and there if they would be like, sir, you have to have. My word!

At the front desk, I would have been quietly like, oh, okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, the website didn't say, I wouldn't have fought for it or made a scene. I'd have been like, all right, let's fuck a good pizza and get to shit. Tell me my mo-walk's no good around here. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Are you telling me, you're looking me in the fucking face right now? Ha ha ha ha. You fuck. What the hell kind of join is it something against nose rings? No neck tattoos in your establishment, okay princess meeting of dignitaries I'm sorry. I can't bring my dog in here. I Can't I ride a mastiff in with a Cypress Hills shirt.

I think I was wearing a Cypress Hills shirt. This place is full of losers anyway. I was going to say the list of things that you can't wear to get into a club that you would see, I would say 90% of the time, that's what you're wearing. It's Tim's? Unlaced Tim's. It's unlaced. A baseball hat on backwards. No, cock to the side. Not totally to the side.

Maybe looking like, what do you call that, Northeast. Sure. As the crow flies. Some sort of sports memorabilia. It's possible. Tag top, jean shorts. What day of the week is it? Exposed tattoos.

Exposed tattoos. Um, where were we in this even? I thought I was supposed to wear this stuff. I'm sorry. I'll take it back. I think you were about to get thrown out of a restaurant. You're doing burnouts at the East Grill parking lot. You're laying wheels.

Oh, yeah. We go in and we say the reservation. Sir, that's a chocolate chocolate fountain that an ashtray Excuse me Smoking in here you're leaning at the door like I'm not even inside dick do they kick? Shit they we walked in says our reservation. They didn't say anything they were like yeah, we'll be give us 15 minutes or whatever When I was I'd rip the butt by the heater Give us 15 minutes or whatever

When I was I'd rip the butt by the heater by the big And that is that is that is a dirt bag fucking like hostie though And then they said yours your table we walk and then as I'm walking by I was like a little nervous Then I saw guys in there in sweatpants. Mm-hmm, which I would never have done I wouldn't go to dinner and sweatpants gentleman a guy in shorts and like a t-shirt and Which I was wearing shorts also. Yes, so nice Jordans though. And then we sit down at the table, I even notice they go, oh look, Christine, that's Chris Cuomo over there.

We're eating at a place where Chris Cuomo's eating. Okay. We have dinner, it's pretty good. We get dessert to go. And they come out. Huh? Why? It's full of shit.

But it was my birthday time. Wrap up some of those rolls. So you're going to have to dessert later back at the hotel. I'll be Airbnb. I picture him. I'll do the soft pretzel medium well, please. Me and Christine were taking those epic at the time.

So we were full quick. And so we wanted Christine. We're taking those epic the time. So we were quick and So but we wanted dessert. So we we brought back to the place But when we're leaving I ago when we ordered the dessert to go I was like, oh here too I go give my card and I was like you just bring the check whenever you're ready And he was ago Katie comes out and he drops the check with my credit card and a little business card that says, this is pre-prepared, that's how they're gonna say this. They go, we hope you enjoyed dining with us,

we would just appreciate next time if you would observe our rules of attire. Yeah, clothes, I was like, I know it wasn't the waiter's fault, but I tipped him fine, but I said to the guy, I was like, I know it wasn't the waiter's fault, but I tipped him fine, but I said to the guy, I was like, who? What is this? Like, who tells you to do this?

And he was like, oh, the manager. Common sense and decorum. This goes so hilarious. We're in a society. This goes so funny. I wish this story ended in me being awesome. I mean, they're still Jericho. They suck for sure. This goes in the waitress comes out. She goes, Oh, no, it wasn't meant to.

If you were offended by it, I didn't mean for you to be. What I go, call me a bum. I mean, like, yeah, I'm like, here's the thing. If you told me when I came in, there's a dress code and we can't let you in. I would have left and understood. You can't serve me, take my money. And then when you're asking a typical guy, have him lay down a car, You put him in a situation.

I'm like, lay down a car that says, by the way, you look like shit, fix that next time. And they were like, well, I'm sorry. He's doing a lot of I'm sorry, you feel that way. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry you feel that way. And I was, it was a woman.

So I eventually, this is the two things Christine had to sit there and keep a straight face for I went I wish you were a dude so I could slap you in your dumb fucking face and then man we get hurt so quick I was hurt people You were sitting back in the chair Dude I would slap you right in your fucking face, and then uh she goes I understand I go oh understand this I've got a national radio show on serious exams So a lot of people will be hearing about this

I walked right outside and lit a cigarette went that was gay You're gonna hear about this on radio you forgot you desert you to walk back in a crap also Where's my where's my seven layer cake? I'll be taking my crumbouleh. Oh, I went home. I said dumb shit I look like a fucking bum to Christine on my birthday time. Right around my birthday time. The balloons hanging off your chair didn't help. I mean dude, that is an all time bozo move. Whoa, I get it.

But you were hurt. I have a radio show. And they're gonna, well it was very like. Sure you do sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, we'll be tuning in. Yes, yes. I do yeah. Mm-hmm. Yes, yes. We'll be tuning in. Yes, yes.

I do! Um... Nationally syndicated. It's so funny. We get hurt. But the weirdest thing... How many things I can walk away from versus like that was just... Again, it's the lack of justice in like the way they...

Again, in my mind, I walk into these places going like... We were saying earlier, You're like, alright I'm not supposed to be here. Yeah bounce me out. What was the bill? Can I ask you that? 2300 you're drinking right? You have cocktails. Yeah, he was drinking as hard as Lipton Hardy's knees. 400 bucks probably. And the waiters got to come over and give that before you sign the thing. With the and this is how much it costs and this is the suggested. Yeah, nah fuck that if you have the money fuck all of that before you sign the thing. With the, and this is how much it costs, and this is the suggested tape. Yeah, nah, fuck that.

If you have the money, fuck all of that. If you have the money to spend, they go, hey, you belong here, you got the fucking cash, and you were nice enough to call, ask, fuck that, yeah, fuck that. No, yeah, they were shitty, dude. That's crazy. He stamped and grill.

With a $400 bill. It was so, I was like, damn, and I said, and I tipped the guy good on it, and it was just, I said it, he was apologetic almost, when we kind of even mentioned, It was so I was like, damn. And I said, like, I tipped the guy like good on it. And it was just like I said to what he was apologetic almost when we kind of even mentioned he was just kind of hoping he just dropped it with that way. Like maybe they just won't ever say anything about it again. I'm like, oh, we'll say something. Are my national radio program.

Have you seen my die hair? You think I'm letting this die right now? So the so the lady, the manager probably made him do it. I would assume. Oh, yes. Absolutely. But I was like, what a weird fucking thing to go and solve. So the lady, the manager probably made him do it. I would assume. Oh yes. Oh absolutely. But I was like what a weird fucking thing to point out and fucking do him. Yeah, yeah. Hey we let him in already but uh, go insult the shit out of him.

Kevin's on the website. Yeah I'm looking dog. To whom it may concern. Apparently got a good scallop salad going though. Oh listen, the food wasn't the issue at all. Food was good. Here's Big J's review. I have a national radio DJ. No pigs in the blanket?

What's the deal? Yeah, this place sucks. Where'd you get all this food, Trader Joe's? You call yourself a grill? When I get a dirty Shirley, I want three cherries. You don't even have Jack Daniels sauce? Sir, we can't call it that legally is called bourbon sauce. I like what it's Jack Daniel's no little swords in the drink Skip it by the way how much I don't order a martini if they don't have blue cheese olives The bacon stuff blue cheese I go you guys have blue cheese olives I think if they go now sorry go as far as a diet coke It'll drive me back to a diet coke really I'll do a regular. I'll do I'll do martini with regular olives and a side of blue cheese

Stop speckling my olives Can you make sure these things are pitted wait that'll keep me from drinking a martini? You go back to Diet Coke? Yeah, then I have to think about what I'm doing next. Oh shit, I only had one move here. Well, martinis are kind of the drink I'll get at a steakhouse. I do a Manhattan. I go, give me a Manhattan. They go, what do you want? I go, whatever you prefer, give it to me.

Yeah, a nice restaurant, I'll do a martini. It's a lot of booze in one shot. That's my first move, too. It's a lot of booze, and it's kind of easy to get down if you get it extra dirty. I love it I love them get you warm quick. Yes. I love and so I'll bang out two of those at a steakhouse dinner feel nice Okay, that's my first move baby. I'm with you. If there's no blue cheese olives I'm back down to diet coke and I'm thinking about like maybe I don't drink tonight That's crazy to me cuz I was only gonna have two anyway, and it's like, it's not gonna be blue cheese olives though. And then it's all those little weird ice chips.

And I'll tell you what, a classy place though will give you a little ramekin of olive juice next to it. Whoa. You make it how dirty you want. I go, thanks. I don't think you, you've ordered a lot of dirty martini. I don't think you've ever gotten that. I have, I've asked ordered a lot of dirty martini. I don't think you've ever gotten that. I have I've ever side of a side of

Feels as good as when they give you the rest of the milkshake They give you the shaker sometimes I don't mind that either okay, all right, all right, so you're out your the house You we got the car. You going to make a big Costco run. What are some of you got the septic tank squared away? What are some of the bigger? What are some of the staples you go? Christine, this has to happen. And are we starting to be surround sound? What do you what is what are you doing?

Free standing hot tub. Free standing hot tub. Dirtbag 101 outdoor outdoor in the pavilion standalone hot tub. No on on the actual patio like right off the house. Okay. The pavilion needs the couches and stuff. Oh, so the pavilion. Okay. So the pavilions not attached to the house. No, it's like 10 feet. Whoa. Off the house. Nice. Imagine like a covered deck. It's very nice. Okay. Yeah. So there's a sink out there.. Okay. Yeah, so. Is there a sink out there?

Or a refrigerator? Don't think so, refrigerator. Really? Yeah. Whoa. It's nice. But yeah, so outdoor hot tub immediately. What are you spending on that?

They're like, what's a hot tub cost? It's all over the place. You're doing like a four man, a six man, an eight man? I'd like to think big and you wanna think eight people, but here's the reality. It's doing like a four man, a six man, an eight man? I'd like to think, I'd like to think big and you want to think eight people, but here's the reality. How often is that going to happen? And when you have a party, you guys like to mix it up though. But you guys are a little freaking deek. Well, you know, you need at least four in case we have to find some

suiting lovers. Just me and Foley over there. The four of us hot tubbing. I thought we were watching the game. What's going on? How do you guys feel about sharing a woman? I? Have a bikini You can have a run at mine if you want. How do you hear any feel with the experience of sharing a lady? Yeah outdoor hot tubs a biggie for me now Yeah, outdoor hot tub's a biggie for me. Now, I'll tell you the house. That's dirt bag 101.

And I'd like to, I keep trying to do it. I respect it. You're asking how much it's gonna cost. I don't know because it's not that many, but I want one. A few of the companies have a little 22 inch screen TV that pops out. So my dream, here's my problem with the house.

Give me a number on that. Here's the problem I was running into when I realized, I had a dream that I smashed myself when I made a simple realization not two months ago. Okay. I've always said, here's why, because everybody, why do you want a pool so bad and a hot tub?

And then I got talked, I wanted a hot tub that was attached to the pool. I'm with you. And then they were like, well don't, if you get it separate, don't even say that. You can use it in the winter, yeah. You can use it whenever you want. So I go, okay, I made a decision on that.

I go, but the heated pool is nice. And they go, because what I want is, my dream of success to me, in the lowest level, to make me happy, is coming home from work and watching Sixers game or Eagles game from my heated pool hot tub. I want a TV visible from those places. Right.

I've said that for years, realizing just this year that those are both winter sports. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha did this with Ari Shafir, we watched Sunday football from our pool, heated pool in Florida. Sure. We were in Florida. So it's always resonated me like that's the dream right there. And you're like, oh, I can't do that. But you can get in the year round hot tub. Yeah, standalone hot tub.

And watch those things. So that's why the TV is important out there too, because I want to watch Sixers games from the hot tub. I would assume that there, with your clout, there's somebody out there where you could probably get one of those either strongly discounted or free. Never even thought of that. Yeah.

I think my- There's for sure fucking hot tub salesman. You got hot tub salesman fans, yeah. But it is funny, I don't think that we have that. In my mind, the people will get hooked up and they go, oh dude, our fucking landscaping's probably gonna be dirt cheap. Our tile work, don't worry about it, we're good.

Best grout in the neighborhood So you have a bunch of super fans putting my house together good job everybody I'm gonna come out and form in good job everyone good job. I like it all right. What's the oh wait so the Other thing was uh so we're getting the hot tub there is a pool Wait, there's a pool in your ground pool An underground pool. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, so this is nice. Oh, congratulations. This was very, very exciting for us.

This pool, when you go out back, it's off to the side. It's gated off the way it's supposed to be. Just gotta empty it so we can skate in it. Yes. That's a fire. It's rectangle, it's rectangle, unfortunately. But it's, so we go, we look at that, we see it in the pictures, we see it in person,

it's great, we see all the controls, it's heated. It's like a nice heated pool and bath. I'm so excited about this. Still am. And then we had to go, you know, so then we bought the house, or you know, made the offer, it got accepted. We have to go do a inspection walkthrough

with the guy. We ask, the thing we go, oh you know what everyone asks us, how deep's the pool? And the girl goes, um, four foot eight. And we went, to what? And they go, no that's like the, it's three foot to four foot eight. And we're like, come again?

It's called a cocktail pool. It's not. It's for swinging. It's called a cocktail pool. Yeah. It's not. It's for swinging. It's, it might be for swinging. Get those tops off. The 4.8, you're all right. 4.8's good. You can't, you can't cannibal. Yeah, 4.8, you'll be okay.

You can't cannibal into a 4.8. It was being, I'm turning it to a seven foot. That's crazy. Oh, are you? Yeah, it's way less. Seven foot's great. It's way less than you think. What's doing Jack Knight down there? What are you doing, a high dive? I'm saying it's way less have it foot. It's great. It's way less than you know a jackknife. I died. I'll say it's way less than you think

As far as like what what it cost to do that putting in a pool is very expensive. Yeah having them Make it a little bit deeper isn't that bad? Is that concrete? No, that's why it's not so bad What is it fiberglass? I have no idea. I just know it's seven I know the big thing that made it like it's not a crazy thing to do to make it deeper is because it's not concrete No kidding. Yeah, but it's um Seven feet you're what a funny thing even we go six feet. That's fine six feet the lowest you can go You don't want your piggies touching. I I don't mind them touching the whole way as long as it goes like Above my eyes deep

But seven feet Christine keeps saying something. I'm not there. But seven feet, Christine keeps saying seven feet. I'm not that married to seven feet, but I'll tell you what I'm not into at all. Four foot eight. Somebody even said, he goes, why don't you keep it for a summer and see if you like it? I go, yeah, well I'll stand there with our belly buttons hanging out.

Only the worst parts of getting in a pool are underwater. Your dick balls. Then you get into that thing where you're squatting. Yeah, everyone's walking around like this. Yeah, I said, if you want to just sit always, have our legs out and put your arms on the side. Dude, I did that.

I went to Turks and Kegels and had a Swim-Up Bar and I started in the deeper end and then as I started getting closer. Your knees get closer to your chin. Oh dude, I was walking. There's a grown man standing next to me up to their knees and I'm still doing the crab. Hey guys. You're floating on your back. I'll do a strawberry daiquiri

As much as just keep as much as your body underwater as possible Hey Okay, every time you go to grab a drink you have your splash Thank you. Okay. So alright, you're gonna do that You're doing this now like you're gonna be ready to go summer 2025. That'll be done by summer 20 No shit. Love that. Love that. Not a long long. It's not a big job, that job. What are we talking? You're a TV guy.

What are we talking TVs inside? All right. I was asking, are you starting fresh? Are you going to bring like the bed from the apartment now or are you going to start all new? We got a great bed. So we're bringing. We have two beds. We're bringing that bed and the other bed for the guest room. That'll stay. A lot of stuff is not coming, I'd say.

Okay. TVs are coming, though. Okay. A lot of stuff is not coming, I'd say. Okay. TVs are coming, though. Okay. My TV game's always been tight. Yeah. You've been there, known for that. I will not be starting fresh. Now, I will say, they're leaving the TV

that's outside in that gazebo. I'll give you Pavilion, I didn't realize it was detached. Yeah, yeah, and it's detached, and it's concrete. It's nice. That is like, it's like, huh. The. Yeah, yeah, and it's concrete. It's nice. That is like, it's like. The floor is a nice, rigging house. It's, so in the pavilion, thank you, they have a Samsung, which I respect.

And? I respect the Samsung very much. My TVs are Samsung or LG, but it's definitely beaten down, and you almost go, I wanna ask them before they move, like, how does this stay out all winter? So what they do is there are outdoor ones. But nobody does that because they're so cheap now.

You just buy it, use it for two years till it gets fucked up, and then just replace it with another. Yeah, it'll get fucked up. If you get like a really, really cold snap, something will pop in there. Yeah, right. It just fucking goes yeah or you break it down in the in the in the in the winter because we have one on our sun porch was my mom smokes heaters and This isn't nice by any stretch of the imagination

But she puts it in my room in the winter and we put it outside in the summer Yeah, I mean I need that TV outside. No, I'm with you. Yeah. Oh, yeah You'll just either have to invest in a whatever. Like a fur cover for it or something. Chinchilla. Put it in an Eagles jersey. Heavy line it every time we turn it down. But I would just say, again, it makes sense,

but that TV out there's a little beaten up, so I might want to start from scratch on that one. I understand that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Like get a newie out there, so that looks cool. Hardwood floors? Yeah. Basement? Hardwood floors, some carpeting. It's split level so it's. Oh I love that. You walk into the. I grew up in a split level. You go one level up and there's two more levels down. Two more levels down? Oh that the old zigzag. Zigzag yeah. That's

what it is. Whoa I can't wait. It's a nice house. You walk in you're on the first floor. I figured this out the other day for me. So you walk in, you're on dining room, kitchen level. Uh-huh. There's stairs that go up from that to the bedroom level. How many stairs? Four, five. Okay. All right. Then also from that kitchen area, four steps down goes like a family room. That's where you go out back. Okay. You go out back from that way. And then there's one more step down. And that goes like a big basement area. That's nice. Yeah, yeah.

And not scary. I'll tell you, when we were looking. Aw man, I got a scary basement right now. Do you really? It's bad. Do you? Yeah. It's bad. That's what I mean. Those kind of things, like I think about that. It's not so much, I keep saying,

well I don't want Christine to be uncomfortable or weirded out when I'm out there, because I'm gone so much. But in the rare occasion that Christine's gone, and God forbid she takes the dog, the only thing keeping me connected to reality in a situation where monsters might show up, is that there's houses in our price range even,

forget even how nice they are in any possible way, grand entrances when you walk in, you feel like a jag off, and that would be terrifying to go up at night, like stairs, you have to ascend with a candelabra in your hand or something. You have to look behind you real quick. You have to fucking. with like a candelabra in your hand or something behind you. You have to make sure all of my pictures eyes aren't moving. It's too spooky.

I wanted a house that did feel more like someone's nice house when I was a kid and you go to their house like, oh, this is like comfy. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy for you to say that, like as a successful grown man that does well and you to even say that too. Is there any way? What does this say as the generations move forward? Is there any way that like when our parents bought our their houses that my dad a Vietnam vet would go down in the base and be like it's a little scary

No fucking way checking for landmines down there. No, I'll tell you what No fucking way checking for landmines down there no, I'll tell you why Dude I was I My wife wanted an old house. She's like let's buy like an old colonial, and I'm like what are you nuts? Fully eebee jeebies. How's the house with the creepy crawlies? No, we were like one of the Like the assets of the place is like, not this one, but some of the place I was looking at. They're like, a catacombs-like stone wine cellar.

And you're like, for what? Just evil to happen? For the boltergeist? Yeah, so every night a camera goes down there and sees a breath coming out of a drain. Ah. It all looks terrible. Fruit cellars and shit.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Everything should be livable except attic and it should be get toable in about 15 seconds. Yeah. And I said the neighbors are close but I don't feel like they're not on top. They're next to you but it's not on top of you which is a big thing too.

Because we thought about that too when I'd see places and I go, because I always said I want to be able to do, go outside, watch TV in a hot tub at two o'clock in the morning and not bother anybody. But when I'd look at places where I was like, where are you really by no, that's also another like. No way.

It's like the shining, you're like, yeah, it's like, I don't want to even be, I should be, from my front door, I should be 30 seconds from being able to pound on somebody else's door and scream for help. It shouldn't be down the way. Cause you're never gonna make it.

You're never gonna make it. You're never gonna make it. Those things where it's like, yeah, the road's named after you. Mm-hmm. That goes to your house. Yeah, you're on Big J Lane. To pound on the front door and scream.

Yeah. Help! Something's terrible happening! My TV's coming on! You're right out of the show! My wine cell is trying to kill me! And they're looking through the blinds like, this fucking idiot again.

I can't tell this guy. It breaks my heart telling this guy there's no monsters three times a month. I'm serious this time, three times a month I'm serious But I heard breath coming out of the drain in the evil wine cellar Christine sober and I don't drink wine. Why don't we buy this thing? I know I was wrong those other times The way you keep going back to breath coming out of the drain you are really afraid of that

No, it's just I'm thinking whenever they show on a show, like, when everyone thinks things are probably done, it's a good description of when everyone thinks something's done in a horror movie, they always go to like some small thing in the basement, and you just be like, like some like smoke or something comes out of it, and you're like, oh, it's not done yet. Things aren't done yet. It's still an act, too. Oh, that's too fucking funny, man. I told you my basement story when I was a kid, I called the cops because I heard noise and I was babysitting my brother and the cops just made fun of me.

They just roasted me for 20 minutes. That's a little bitch. I think they called me fat. They were just mean. They just left. Why would I ever like cops? Did you call the cops or the school bullies? Even I, at the young age, I was like 11 or 12, I didn't mind eventually being like,

Hey guys, I call you for help. This isn't helping Giving you a wedgie. They're like I'm surprised you were able to go up and down the stairs twice to check for something My mom my mom didn't work 24 hours a day Fuck all right. I mean all right. We got TVs. You got the outdoor you got this non spooky basement Do you see yourself in the mornings in the summer? Getting up and going out to the pool and swimming some laps Anything like that maybe laps, but definitely getting in a pool. Okay. I've never been a real big swimmer I can swim but I've never gotten to a pool to swim. I've got no pool to do two things

crab walk around And then underwater flips. Nonstop underwater flips. Anyone who's close to me will tell you that is my thing I do. I take a lot of pride in it. I'm up to four flips in a row. No taking a breath in between.

Once my little arms start paddling, dude I go. The first flip, then you just catch the rhythm dude and then you're fucking cooking. Like a goddamn, like a fantasy ball. Your neighbors are gonna be looking out the window like this how does this retarded guy have all this money? They're absolutely gonna be like yo it's just this guy flipping underwater. Four feet eight inches I can't flip in that. A pool Kevin maybe you would understand this but you'll get it a pool is a fat man's roller coaster they can't tell you you can't go in

because you're too big for it, you can't anything. And then it's the only time in life your light is air as everybody else. As everybody, when I do those flips dude, I like going over to thin people and be like, can you do four flips in a row? I don't think so. I don't think I can hold my breath that long.

I go, pfft. I never counted, yeah. Jesus dude, you suck. Uh-huh. You suck, you probably can't even do these flips. And I'm fat and I can do them. I can tell you that I'm fat and better than you at it. Yeah, being in a pool feeling that weightlessness is great.

Yeah, and they can't glide. And no one's gonna come and tell you, he goes, I'm sorry, but this is embarrassing for you, you have to get out because you're too big for this. Taking up all the water, yeah. That's why you'll never see me in a fucking iFly. I wanna fly so bad. You mean the indoor parachute thing? Yep, the indoor skydiving. Yeah, That's why you'll never see me in a fucking iFly. I want to fly so bad. Oh, you mean the indoor parachute thing? Yep. The indoor skydiving. Yeah. I'm like,

because all I'm picturing is a bunch of kids being told they can't go on while I'm creating a dead spot in the fan. I'm just, I just go and like lay on the fan and then the kids come out and then they just sink down and go back up. Oakerson's stuck in the net again. Mr. Polar Vortex. Stop lying about your weight. It's very important to tell us what you weigh.

Nuh-uh. This should be able to do for everybody. Mr. Oakerson, we'd appreciate it next time you come to not lie. Turn the fan off. We've got to go get another one. We've got to crane me out. Man, I mean, you know,ez happy for you. Yeah, it's great. It's coming full circle. Uh-huh. I'm excited bad Yeah, I'm really excited to do it and it took me a while to get Christine Christine's a little younger than me. So

It is an age thing. No doubt for sure I hit 40 was definitely the first time where I was like I didn't even consider before that in my mind I was like, oh wait, you can have a house and still be New York, still be here for work every day. Can't go too far out. See if you can find what you like. And it took her, she still had the like, well how are we gonna get a sandwich downstairs?

And I'm like, no, no, you're gonna love it. Cause we'll have two cars and even if I'm going with a car you can just go and Go to a mall. It's like yeah, I know Big deal but Christine let me tell you something Maybe maybe we'll do a Chronicles of Jason where you if you want to question is both. Oh no for sure We'll be funny with that because Christine the Oakerson Chronicles Yeah, the she's gonna act a little highfalutin more than me, but she's fine with all these things, too That'll be the next iteration of it. I'll tell you what will be funny about that because Christine- The Oakerson Chronicles? Yeah. She's gonna act a little highfalutin' more than me, but she's fine with all these things

too. She thinks the best pizza in the world is California Pizza Kitchen. It's because she worked there and had a crush on a black guy I think she blew once. Get over it. You gotta throw that at her. Oh, we'll come up. You're talking California Pizza Kitchen. That's gonna come up.

Oh, it's coming up, god damn it. Her people, her people. Everything there, dude. All of her social life, her's coming up, god damn it. Her people, her people. Everything there, dude. All of her social life, fucking everything was that god damn place. She just, you just gotta stay on top of the grocery order. So like when you come, when you want a sandwich,

you go into the fridge, you got a half a pound of turkey, you got a pound of American cheese, Cooper's Sharp, if you're a gentleman. I'm so excited about those things. You got bread, yeah, make your own sandwiches. It's huge. Because we've never had that. Right now we can have dog food or a steak.

Right. In our freezer. And there's just no, I do feel, what I'm hoping for is like the big sell of this house too when you got it, definitely the lady who owns it is a cook. She cooks. Ah, nice kitchen. Because the kitchen's nuts. The kitchen, the kitchen's like the thing where you're like when you walk in it's the

first thing you see and you're like that's like the wow part of the house for sure. I can't wait to see it. Call that the wow factor in a bit. Yeah The kitchen's great and I feel like I'm like so when I come home from the weekend gig, you know We'll have the groceries. They're up the steak comes babe I'll make it on a finally chopped No, but I'm really in my mind thinking about Oregon ste- Just like Oregon Steaks. It depends who you ask too. So I go, well that kitchen's there, so I think we're gonna have groceries.

We'll be a lot more inspired to cook something instead of just ordering food all the time. And then I think some, you know, all it takes is a curmudgeon who's been doing it longer. They go, you're just gonna order every night still, dude. Sure, sure. You're just gonna heat it up on that beautiful stove. Yeah, I, cause I have, there's just like,

cooking in New York sucks. You don't have all the food, like, now you have the space, like, oh, we're gonna keep this in there as well I'm like it is just easier, and it's not a not such an intense chore I know in my cuz it's just bigger you're fucking slapping meatballs back and forth in a dirty tank You guys watching the game you got all the sausage links hanging Got a bunch of cheese and nets. You're on Instagram series.

You got a catchphrase? I want a local crooner. Oh, God. All right, we got to wrap it up. Ladies and gentlemen, the fifth edition of The Chronicles of Jason. Thank you guys so much. This is always an absolute legend.

Mr. Big Jay Okerson, everybody. Yeah. Coming into your own, baby. Look at that. After all that, you got your own place. You got the pool. You got everything. Got a four foot eight pool. I got those Oregon steaks. Yeah. He goes, oh, it's okay. I get infections in my belly button if it goes underwater. Jay Okerson, everybody. Anything you want the folks out there to know what he got

coming up. Hit him. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. And I am going to be putting out very soon. I did a double crowd work special. Yes I paid a zillion dollars for in Denver. I did in Denver at the Comedy Works Netflix shot it down hard. So let's make them regret that. Yeah, there you go. And when it comes out I'm gonna come, you know plug with you guys of course thing and uh, yeah, let's try to get it out there man I'm pretty come you know plug with you guys of course thing and uh yeah let's try to get it out there man I'm pretty proud of it. I love it. Legion of Skanks. Big Jokerson then they. Ah there you go. There you go. Legion of Skanks, story wars. Bonfire. Which is the goddamn hit. Love that

story wars dude. Can't trust nobody on that goddamn show. You really do I've walked with this things I go man so-and-so and so can lie Coldly to my face. I understood the game, and then we sat down. I started playing within like 10 seconds I'm like I can't fucking trust these people. I know This is the worst day of my life. He looked at me and said it wasn't him when does the special come out I? Have no habit date. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it relatively unceremoniously Because I've been sitting on it for like a you know a year now almost So I'm just gonna yeah, yeah, so I'm just gonna pick a time where I think people are home and just fucking lay them out Maybe a couple weeks apart. I love it. Someone told me algorithm stuff, but right now I'm just bitter

So my algorithm fuck algorithm is gonna put them both out on Twitter who gives a shit Give me what do you got for guys? we're off the road for a little bit. New dates coming in January. We just locked them, so get ready. We love yous. Thanks for the support. We love you, gang. Jay, we love you, buddy.

Yeah, bro. Love you guys too, man. Thank you. We'll see you next week. Peace!