Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - The Sweatpants Situation! w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Better Help: BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/garbage Liquid I.V: Tear. Pour. Live More. Go to http://www.liquidiv.com and get 20% off your first order with code GARBAGE at checkout. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, baby, hey Texas, hey Florida. The boys are coming down to see you. So grab your tickets. They're the only shows we're going to be doing in Texas and Florida. So grab some ticks and come see us. Yeah, this March, we're going to be at the Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. Tickets are going fast as well as side splitters in Tampa, baby. Listen, Tampa and Austin, two great comedy towns.

Get those tickets. We'll see you there. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you. You find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage.

So, that little show, we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that after you're going to be classy. Yeah. It's just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, A. Folley, coming at you on a gorgeous day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. I caught her in the living room reading a little karma sutra. Okay.

You know what I'm talking about? You ever take a look at that thing? I have not. Nice. Yeah. You don't know about all those positions and stuff, they? Oh, you do? I know.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Sure. Missionary man over there. Crouching tiger hidden fat is. Like the wheel barrel. You're the barrel.

Of course. How you doing? Pay a lot of money for that. My co-host is coming at you from across the tables. What we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Just the way we like it. Give it up for KJ.

Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, everybody. Wasting away over there. Not really. I put a couple of pounds back on. Did you put a lot of cheese sticks and pizza this weekend. Shout out to all the... Did you?

Shout out to everybody for tuning in. Thanks, as always. Please make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. A lot of Fizzai. Yes. Boys are.

I'm in the charts. Doing well in the charts. Doing well in the charts. Last I saw, 27 on comedy. And in the top 100 on all podcasts. People like the program. It's a nice program. We have a popular program with a select area of dirt bags.

Yes. Which we love and appreciate. Of course. No? Yeah. Please. I was going to say, speaking of love and appreciate, how about a little quick stop by the old corner office?

We got a whole whole. Oh, that. You are jumping the gun here. Am I? Yeah. Have you to do that? Hey, are you a fan of the program? I'm a big fan of the program.

You? Not so much. You got to check out at www. Patreon.com. What's going on over there? You go over there. Maybe if you teed it up, I could have done it. I am teeing.

That's my teeing it up. Nah, nah, nah, nah, no. Getting ready for the QVC episode. What happened, Kevin? Head over there to the patreon.com. You get, at this point, you can get two episodes a week every week moving forward. plus, what is it, five years of back? Backlog.

Four years. You join now. You get every episode we ever done over there, or Patreon. If you join it to $10 level, which I got to be honest with you, 90% of people are at the $10 level. 15,000 people strong over there.

That's the best value. For your money. Listen, we have a lot of value-based shoppers out there. That's the best bang for your buck. Especially this time of year. Uh-huh. A lot of value-based. You know what I mean?

You want to give the consumer. Free base. What do you get a light bulb? I never got that. Yeah. I never tried it. What? Smoking crack out of a light bulb?

I don't know if it's crack you smoke out of it. I don't know either. Yeah. Something about tobacco. Oh, Lou, I heard a ticker's going. What do you got, Luke? What do you smoke out of a light bulb? Survey says.

Survey says Google is waiting. It is not possible because that involves the use of regulated goods and can be dangerous. Oh, get out of here. Somebody got their hands on him, huh? Hey, I stinks. Yeah, what the fuck? Hey, I don't even know how to smoke crack. And you're supposed to take over to the world?

Okay. Let me a break. Luke Dempsey, everybody. Hey. Lucas. You're doing Hayes for me. I was saying hi to Lucas. We just so happened to sink up.

Very nice. Hey, buddy. We're synced up. Feeling a love today, boys. Are you? Yeah. We had a nice little powwow early. It feels like we're back in a swing of things.

We talked a little bit. We talked about film, television, things like that. The award season is going on right now. Sure. You know? Mm-hmm. We're not up for anything. We got shafted in the podcast, the Golden Globes podcast.

Oh, shit. I mean, what are you going to freaking do? All of a sudden, you know, famous people start podcasts and get recognized in the first three weeks. Meanwhile, we've been bagging our head against the wall for 10 fucking years. We should start our own podcast awards. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I win them all. Guys, really think. I mean, just have just an honor to be nominated. I told you something the other day you didn't like. It's not that I don't like it. Speaking of award season. Sure. That's more of a Patreon.

Of course. Patreon episode. Yeah. And it's not more that I don't like it. It's more than... Just a long term, I had my eye on something in the back of my head. Mm-hmm. You know, something in the future.

Nobel Peace Prize. How do you get one of those? How do you get that? I don't know. And what kind of cash does that come with? I don't think anything. What? You probably make your money on like the appearance speeches and stuff.

You get around the golf or something. That's what we got to get into. What? The big, the corporate world. Start like, hey, where you go. I'm telling you that. No, you have. Yes, I have.

You've never thought of anything. I know, I said country. We should be getting more country. What? I don't know. Do some shows of the grand old opera or something. You get 11 million crooner. What's a crooner?

That's defuner. That's defunct. Wait, the Swedes give that out? Yeah. Wow. $11 million. Uh, 1.7.

1.7? I don't think they. Fuck that. Against 11 million crooner? I go over there and spend the croners. Yeah, hold on Swedish fish. Which aren't Swedish, by the way, I found out. Oh, thanks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an American product. Uh-huh. Real rip off. Um, they would just be fish if the Swedish was selling them. The Swedish wouldn't call it Swedish fish. Of course they would. They don't call them Swedish meatballs, don't they?

I think we probably do. No, that's a Swedish dish. I've had it over there. Oh, yeah. You've never been the... All right, welcome to the lying corner of the... Finderland. Yeah.

It's where I'm going. It's a small town. The small town is Switzerland. They make the chocolates. In Switzerland. We're talking about Sweden. Oh, Sweden? I don't know, Sweden.

I thought you're talking about Switzerland. You're telling me they sell Swedish meatballs in Switzerland. In Finderland, Switzerland. Yes, Fenderland, Switzerland. I've been to Switzerland. Have you? Very expensive. Whoa.

$500 kroner for lunch. Is that true? No, they're on the euro, but it's very expensive. Huh. They don't need nobody in Switzerland. What you mean? They're locked in. They got those mountains.

The banks, too. They got the banks, they got the mountains. They got on hot broods. Blonde-headed broads. They don't need anybody. Guys ain't too bad. Tell everybody they go, yeah. Something you can bounce a quarter off of.

100%. Those skiing dudes. And they're good with the nickel. They can ski and shoo. Shoot, that's why nobody ever invaded. The Swiss can't. Do the Swiss have guns? Yeah, they got guns.

Do they? Yeah. Switzerland? Big ones. Nine inches. I don't think. I'm talking about the same thing. Nobody ever invaded Switzerland during World War II because they got the Alps and

they got all these tunnels and shit in there. It's impossible to get in there, which that's where I'm going. You're telling me this is news to me, but what other countries in the EU have guns like that? This is the first time I'm hearing of that. There'd be way more. Switzerland had, what's the, what's the carry policy over there? They ain't got handguns. No.

Rifles long gun. Muskets. I said they could. I'll give you a rifles. They can shoot while they're skiing. They're very talented and shooting while they're skiing. What's the, what's the gunwomen? Especially at the lodge after, uh, uh, do you ever see the crazy parties they do?

No. When I first started dating my wife, she was at one. Oh. And I said, bummer. What the heck is even this? It's like real orgy vibes. Real? It's all attractive.

Not orgy, but like at the end they have a, see if you can find it. It's like the Apreys parties or something. Oh, the Aprey ski parties. Yeah. Luke always knows. Hey, a fucking rich kid. He's over there to Chateau de dork. Yeah.

Chateau de jirking off by himself. St. Moritz, it seems like. Ooh, San Maritz. Yeah, nice. Go skiing up there. I didn't know. Swiss has a high rate of gun ownership, though, deeply tied to its malicious system. I told you.

I don't want to fuck with those guys. Fuck them, pussies. Neutral-ass fucking country. Pick aside, pussies. Oh, shoot you and bang your girl. No. Yeah. Close deals.

Not messing with it. Are they cut over there? No. Now? Not the ones I've seen. A couple homegrown boys. We did, we drove from Germany to Switzerland, and they stopped us and searched the car for meat. So you are too ugly to coming to the country?

Your wife on your. Oh, the handle. Had to pay a tax. They stopped and they were. Eyebrow tax. I thought they were looking for fucking, you know, perks or something. Sure. And I'm like, what's this?

I ain't done that shit in years, man. Meat, because meat's so expensive that the other country is like, you can't smuggle meat in. But we did. We had some meat in a cooler. Why? Fucking riding dirty. What kind? The tebowls?

Moose? Do you mean, no. They, the hamburger? It's very, I don't know. It's very expensive there or something. Why is meat expensive? I just said I don't know three times. I'm not sure.

taxes, I assume. It's a very high tax country. I feel. I know it's very expensive. They have some sort of weird thing with meat. I didn't start talking to the fucking cop and say, hey, why is meat so expensive here? I have hands on 10 and 2. You know, they're doing fake passport. Well, if that's what you're worried

about getting smuggling. That's what I said. I said, this is some fucking pussy-ish shit. Yeah. I ain't got guns. They're fucking smuggling it. Check it for burgers? These Swedish meatballs are my own. I swear to God. They're for personal assumption. I got a whole

trussed. I like them. Speaking of things I like and don't like, I have a photo. You. I have a photograph to show you if Luke would indulge me.

This is pretty funny. I said, oh, did he send you a picture? I don't know where you go with it. Something that has plagued me, something that has caused me and a lot of other people around the world. Contemplation for most of my life. And the more than I think about it,

The more that I cannot understand, what is its function? You know, I'm a function guy. That's when I think of you, I think of function. Yeah, I think of getting stuff done. Efficiency. Efficiency. Finderland, Switzerland. Finderland, Switzerland.

People. Hot chicks. Long gun. Big wiener. Uncut. Uh-huh. Yeah. Because you're a doer.

You're an operator. I'm a doer. So what is the deal with that? You tell me, obviously, it's a stage photograph. Is that your bathroom? No, it's my kitchen. Yeah, it's my, it's my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, I'm a gentleman, it's underneath. That's not the point.

That looks, that looks, something's not right. Am I, I, I seen you topless a lot. Where's my belly button? No, this has been, this has been altered. No, it has not. This is a.I or something. No, that's me. That's me.

And, in, my. bathroom as it was, looks. You can see the hydrogen peroxide over there in the corner. I like to gargle with that. I gargle with a little. I put a little, a splash of hydrogen peroxide in my mouthwash, and I gargle with it. I do a little bit. You do?

Cut it a little bit. Obviously, my belly, the way I look, my bathroom is not the issue. Okay, it is the string hanging from the sweatpants. There's something going on there. I don't know. The lighter, there's something. What? I don't know.

But I've seen you topless about 48 hours ago. And what do you say? I look too good there? It looks flat and wide. It looks like it's been buffed down a little bit. I've been losing a lot of weight. I know. I'm down almost 50 pounds.

Not that you would notice. You know, don't don't sandbag me like that. A compliment one way or the other? I compliment you all the time. Plenty of times where my ass was right in front of you could have gave a little pinch, but you don't. At workplace. I'm not getting strung up all charges. Luke, can you...

Is this the drawstring? This is the drawstring that I'm concerned with. Now, granted, these are an old school pair of sweatpants that I got from a... Are they new, though? Relative? No. You're dead dad. I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. I'm saying that. Say whatever you want. It's a free country. Not in Switzerland, but here you can. Bring as much meat as you want. It's encouraged. Strongly.

Luke, can you tell you? Tell me why they connect that string because I can never tie it. And they almost fell down when I was at a wrestling match a couple weeks ago. Did you win? Lost in the third? Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I never liked that either.

It sucks. It's one of those things. Why? I battled with a pair with a, they were old Navy. And they had my whole, I would say for about five years of my life. My brother had a pair and I had a pair. Same ones, extra large and large. large.

I was the extra large. And I could sneak into the large and they were nice. But the extra large were a little big. I was about five years old. We're a little big. Wait, I'll be a fucking husky boy.

And I, they had this and I put the knot in them to keep them up because they kept sagging, because I'm buttless. You have to do like a fucking, like a sailors. Yeah, like you're in the Navy or something. Yeah, you got to like, you're putting like a laundry back.

or something. Yes. And I did it, and it's got to, I did it so, it kept coming on done. So I, like, really, you know. Tighten get out of them. Couldn't get out of them. I couldn't get them on either. War for three years.

Uh-huh. Because here's the thing, that kind of sweatpants, the reason I wear those sweatpants is because, well, I inherited them. Inherited them. I inherited. Was that in, you stole them, technically. A legal document? No.

He didn't bequeath his. No. And I made a vow that I wasn't going to bring this up in the new year. year, but since you brought it up, I will. What did I bring up? The passing of my father. No, I did not. You certainly did.

Now you're lying. You said you got the... You owe me three Swedish meatballs. And a couple of Swedish fish. And a Swedish fish cooker. There's a few of them in my... All his clothes have been transferred to my closet because I wouldn't let my mother throw anything out.

You transferred like it's like you... I had my mom put him in there. Gold bricks. They've been transferred under lock and key. Would you have brings coming through to do to do to do the thing? job shut up they've been transferred a lot of paperwork no I had Patty do it because you wanted to throw all the stuff out I see you're not doing that uh-huh not throwing anything out okay I don't let go I hang on anyway he has a bunch of those pairs of sweatpants that are from the

90s that I like because I like the actual sweat pant of them okay and they make you look skinny that's probably what you're seeing I got to push back on this you were I saw this you were wearing oh you wore them all weekend you wore not those you wore a pair just like you wore an old school pair of my champion black ones snow camo so champions written in snow camo on a little piece of the thing yes it's a lot of snow camo i'm sorry thought you were any alps i couldn't see you that you're about to pull out of fucking what do you have to say about them i think we can get you cooler sweatpants that fit better and look you look like guy who's going to physical therapy where and i'm trying to help A bad rotator cuff.

A lot of doing a lot of these and stuff. God. My mom is addicted to physical therapy. I don't know what she's going for. Just get the goddamn knee replaced, Patty, will you? But who is, somebody was rolling around and we were complimenting them on their, uh, their a athlete's wear. I think you would look pretty good in a nice, fitted, more sweet, you know, not old school.

Who was wearing this? I forget who. is somebody were complimenting. Stavi? Tommy, maybe. Someone don't know. This weekend. This weekend.

It doesn't matter. We were complimenting somebody. Okay. On their pants, and it made me, as you were wearing your medicinal sweatpants, and it made me think you would look really good in like a more tailored, cut, cooler pant. Bring you into the 21st century a little bit rather than 1990s champion snow camo sweatpants. Okay. Is that a fair assessment? That's a fair assessment.

I'll give that to you. And then that's why you don't have to deal with this loop. Yeah. You deal with, you know, something nice. A snap. Something. Yeah. Gang, this episode is brought to you by Better Help.

Mm-hmm. Two thousand twenty-six doesn't have to be a new you. Mm-hmm. Just a better version of you. Just a little bit of an incremental improvement. And no bullshit. Mm-hmm. That's something talk therapy has taught me is it's not a complete 180.

It's a little bit of a better person the next day. the next day, the next day, the next day. Rome wasn't built in the day. Who said that? I don't know. Anyway, back to BetterHelp, gang. Gang, do yourself a favor. If you got to get stuff off your chest,

get it off your chest with BetterHelp. It's a great way to start, talk therapy. Kevin and I have both done it, and we love it. Yes. Better Help has quality therapists. Better Help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US of A. Nice.

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with code garbage at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code garbage at liquid iv.com. Do it. Back to the show. Back to the show. I don't like to draw, anyway.

Because mine always go inside. And that, you won't talk about trouble. Losing that on a bathing suit? Oh, man. Well, I'll be busy for the next six hours. It's getting to get pansed. Oh, I would never. I'm finding that.

What? I'm not leaving the hotel room until I found that. Are you crazy? I'm going out there with fucking loose drawers. Because I cut the fish net out of the inside. Hal Fresco. So I got nothing in there. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I go in for a cannonball I'm coming up I never I never had that my cousins we'd be on the beach all my cousins are athletic obviously I'm the black sheep of the I'm the fat ass of the family

right so they'd all be and it was when board shorts hit board shorts without the net like you know like surfer boy and they were surfers they surfed so they'd be like you know I mean there's there's cousins that are fucking Olympians

and they'd be What's all happen to you? Sun-kissed. You're like Danny DeVito in Twitter. What happened to you? That guy got a pussy. He did. But hold on.

Because I saw a commercial with the two cousins. Me too. They were running them during a fucking game. Yeah. Kids are getting fucking Blue Cross Blue Shillers. Stars in Philly. Blue Cross Blue Shill money. I can't even get nominated for a Golden Globe.

No kidding. The one just followed me back. Fucking Jerkel. But you got that. Had to earn it. Your brother was a bit of an athlete. The brother was a very good athlete. You got.

The brother was very fast. I think he, at one point he held some sort of record for the triple jump. Your brother? Something. The triple jump? Is that in Chequers? What are we talking about? The triple jump looks, no, that king me.

Bitch. The Marty Supreme of Chequers? He played in the play. That's the movie I want to see. That's the movie you were trashed. What about it? Danny was a good at, yeah, the triple jumps like you jump with your left foot, your left foot, then your right foot. And then you jump into the sand?

I think so. Your brother could do that? It looks like you tripped. Danny was a very good, was very fast. Danny ran like the four. Oh, he was, he was an anchor. He was. Okay, so you got them.

You got the two cousins that are professional soccer players, one's 14 and is a professional soccer player. Then you have another family where he's good. They're good at soccer. Another. Right? So you have the Sullivan boys? Yes.

Then you have Chris Albright. Yes, Chris Albright. Pull up Chris Albright. You've been throwing that guy in my fucking face since I met you. Throwing them in your face. I mentioned them. And you take it. Personally.

I have Olympians in my family. I don't go bringing them up every three seconds. Special. That good looking kid. He was the Olympium. What's his pedigree? Is he a Sullivan? Yeah.

No kidding. Yeah, his mom. That's Aunt Patty's son. Oh, is it? Yeah. Very nice. And also, I got to mention because he listens. Shout out.

No, Chris does not listen. He's too busy. He was like the, I think he's the gaffer over there in FC Cincinnati. The New England Revolution. Was that a nightclub? He was a bad. He bounced in the early. 2000.

He's only four years younger than me. You guys accomplished about the same thing. International career started in 99 to 2007. Guy had a hell. He played for like 14 years. 1999 to 2013. So more of the question, what happened to you that you? You got a pretty good golf swing.

I'll give you that. Right? You got a lot of touch. I don't. You do. He does. He's very good. He won't give it to him.

He's never seen it. He's never seen it. Yes, he has. We hit the sim together. No, that doesn't count. You got to be out there on the course with the dew on the grass and the hot dogs and the cart girls. Oh, man. Shout out to it, diesel.

You need the real feel. Uh-huh. Couple of, a little bit of swing juice. You know, I'll tell you what, if I get this guy liquored up just to the perfect amount, I bet you he probably beat you the first time out. He does have, like, weird athleticism. The high kick I always think of. I'm pretty athletic.

I'm just back. High kick. What high kick? I can kick right over your head. Yeah. And it's well documented. The karate kick? My high kick.

You're going to do it. I'm going to hit you with a right. I'm not saying, we're not, first of all, I'd slap this shit out of you. No. Uh-huh. No facies. I'd hit you hard enough to fucking Swedish meatballs would go flying everywhere. Like Sonic.

Um. You gotta go back to that picture. The rude? They're not seeing it. But, yeah, and then so Chris's brother, he played an American. He had a full ride to American. Their sister had a full ride to Loyola for lacrosse and soccer. Was your sister an athlete?

Not great. She was very... Smart, though. Smart, very smart. So what's the deal, man? I'm smart. I feel like I've done pretty well. Guys who say I'm smart aren't smart.

I say I'm smart. I'm not dumb. right I figured something out I had a scam Uber Eats out of a free set of egg bites yeah and another one played semi-professional

I think it was on the Philadelphia but you didn't even play high school sports or college or anything you didn't follow it on that path you barely did I'm not talking about me I know but you say it like you didn't even do this I come from an athletically disadvantaged family that's all your family talks about

educationally disadvantaged family. My brother is the only one in our family to finish college out of my mom, dad, my brother, or my mom, dad, me, and my brother. He's the only one, only college graduate in the fully nuclear foliocile. My cousin's not going to agree either. Or it on the street is. One's still got to take a couple classes of Monco to finish out a degree of Penn State. Uh-huh.

So you should have done that a year ago. I yelled at him about it. Yeah, no, everybody is, yeah, I come, I'm, I was definitely more of the, the physical black sheep. They all played, everybody played in high school. Like, all even my uncles are in like the North Catholic Hall of Fame and the, you know, shout to Uncle Aaron. Your dad played semi-pro football. My dad played for, no, the Somerton Spartans, I think, or something like that, a Rocksboro Spartans, something. It was for a neighborhood he wasn't even from.

Guys with a nickel bag of something in their compartment. I think he played while my brother was alive. That's nice. Showing up like fucking black guys. I was probably just getting out of bar fights. Do you have any information for me and why that string is like that? Yes. Money.

Please. Money? That's got to be the cheap. It's probably significantly cheaper. Cheaper. They say the continuous loop for a cleaner look and easier management preventing dangling heads and loss during washing. They also say it's a safety concern for prevent snagging on equipment during athletic activity. What the fuck are you talking about?

Those are sitting on the couch sweatpants. Yeah. These are the findings. I mean, plus that loop should be, would be more danger. You catch it on going out to screen door. You're dead. That's supposed to be tucked in, right? I guess so.

I never could do. So, like, these kind of. Fucking hang my nuts. Cool sweatpants. John. Shit. They even put a pair of fucking piece of piano wire down there. What are you nuts?

Fucking strangles. my guys out. Cash street. Like sunny Corleone? You crazy? Take the canoli. Was it socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to school when you were in high school? Probably not.

Yeah, it was. In high school? No. Middle school for sure. I had my maroon sweats that I would wear. I've told you that. Yeah, I wouldn't say so. I mean, I don't think you were banging at the head of the social, the social ladder.

You'd be wrong. I did it very well. In your maroon sweatpants? A little bit. You tell me there wasn't cool guys and fucking cool Levi's with Z-caveridge. Yeah, something. You're sitting there in your maroon sweatpants trying to hide a boner if I knew you. Slippery.

Smooth like silk. The hell do you want? There was one kid who wasn't allowed to wear sweatpants anymore. If you catch my drift. You're in junior high. Call it to Kevin Ryan Law. See, I'm accomplished. How long?

You take that thing down. Jesus Christ. A little piece of scotch table, do you? But to go back to, I remember my cousins being on the beach and they'd be like six packs. And they had like the board shorts fell on the hip and the tan line was showing. They weren't good on fat kids. Because you had to go up under or over in and out. It was, it was my ass there.

I got no ass. You look at you were old school riding a long board. Hang in 10. Duke, what's his name over here? Yeah, it was tough. I mean, yeah. Tough as a fat kid. But the athletic wear wasn't built for us.

No. Which is that who it should have been built for? It was a little weight. But I remember when sweatpants hit that they became kind of cool. Like the non. The casual sweat. Yeah, kind of like the, without the elastic at the feet. More like a pant sweatpants.

Like the gap got into those, old Navy got into those, they became kind of big. Well, that was because the ones that I had my maroon, which was an outfit, it had stripes going down. It looked like a Phillies warm-up, but it wasn't. But they didn't have a- When you said it looked like a Phillies warm-up, nobody thought it was a Phillies warm-off. They didn't have things at the bottom either. It was more of a pant. More of a slack.

Yeah. Didn't really thin. But. I could wear underwear with those. They were too tight because my underwear would bunch up and stick out. But when it came, when those cool sweatpants came in, I had a pair. And I never knew what to do with it because it was a tie, the drawstring. And it would come undone.

So you would, like, put a bow in it, like you would bow it or you would tuck it in it or it would hang a little bit. But I always felt a braw – these were light gray sweats, too, which are tough on your package. It's not the best bill. Or lack thereof. It's not the best. It's not the best bill. God damn, I forgot my penis again. I left it in my locker.

Can I go to the bathroom? So what you did with the drawstring could draw attention to a 16-year-old's weiner in Spanish class, you know what I mean? That's the kiss of death. You had to play it right. I spent more time doing that than my hair. Must have we wearing a Nazi uniform at that point. You're getting cold out. I don't know.

It figured it looked obvious. Did you ever sweeten back then? What? My, with like a roll of quarters. You go roll of dimes? It's something. Roll of dimes doing all right. This would be middle school.

Did I ever sweeten my package? Yeah. We had a kid that did. With what? English cucumber. What the fuck's in English? Adam. Yeah, smaller.

Look at me, Beckett. Like a pickle cucumber. Yeah. No, I don't. That was never my... He got busted. Yeah, what did it? Embarrassing.

Thing is, I saw it years later. Good. I'll cut. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's having fun with it. I mean, do people really think that's gonna... Bring them in? Man, I remember.

This was the late 80s, 90s. Yeah. Sure. Different rules back then. I remember the big... Rock stars did it. Yeah, listen. Sure.

Tight jeans, sticks, tickets. I've seen Rockstar. Stand up and show. Why, are he sweeten? I would. Jennifer Hinton running around. Sweet peach age. I like the manager.

Okay. I remember I saw Middle-aged black dude walking down Broad Street. Cowboy had on tight pair of jeans, and his unit was tucked down his leg. Like, it had made it. past the crotch. And I caught eyes with this thing.

And I would like, I had like quadruple talk. I couldn't, my brain couldn't compute. And he hit me with a, all right, brother. I said, how are you doing? My man. Wherever you're going. What? I'm on my way.

Oh, that's neither here nor there. Package, no package, sweatpants. So nothing really resolved on that. I don't think so. I think we've got to get to new gear. Yeah, I think, I don't think you can, I mean, And, you know, those are, like I said, that's like... I don't buy those answers, by the way.

Is that from the same AI that didn't have to smoke anything out of a light bulb? Yeah. Because I'm not trusting that, idiot. Who you got over there? That's probably just some kid fucking typing that somewhere, too, by the way. Somebody got caught that it was like just a bunch of dudes in India, like, replying. Yeah, somebody got caught recently. It's all bullshit.

We got a gosh darned family episode on our hands. As you know, when you join the old Patreon. greatest website in the whole wide world over 15,000 strong. 15,278, to be exact, from this moment right now. Regiment. This one's from Crashout Kim, $10 trashmonger, first time writing in. Are you garbage if you spray dry shampoo on your dirty socks to get another day out of them? I like that.

It doesn't happen often but works in a pinch. What do you know about this dry shampoo? Absolutely nothing. Because I'm in. Is it just like a, you know, a fresh? Like a juzer, just josh it up? I got to be honest with it. I know you probably can't tell right now

because I need a little color and I really had to work on it. You know, from the summer and the fall. I wasn't getting, you know, really good night's sleeps. Now I am. I've been very, very into my grooming and skin care routine,

which this dry shampoo falls under. Like, did you know that there, if you blow dry your hair, you should spray it with some shit before you blow dry it so the heat doesn't damage it? Yeah, the girls do that. Like the heat resistant. I got three different sprays I do.

One of them is just salt water. It gives it more body. Crunch. Yes. There's dry shampoo. I'm a guy who doesn't wash his hair all the time. I never do. Because you're not supposed to.

I mean, I could go months. Can I smell it? Sure. Don't put any boogers in there. Oh, this might be, oh, it's sprayed with something. It smells like a nursing home. It smells like days going by. It doesn't smell like anything.

It doesn't have that grease smell. No. But when you had that grease smell. I don't have thick hair. I've always had baby doll hair. I told him my buddy. I told you, my buddy, I caught my hair. He goes, you have hair like a baby.

And I was, I was like 19. My hair was still cooking. How do you take something like that? What? Bunch of the face like that. I got a basement in North Philadelphia. I couldn't really argue with him. Oh, you have a drug problem?

How does that make you feel? I don't need light bulbs in your house. Dude, he cut my hair, and then I went home, and he did it without a mirror, and I went home. It looked like I got. I rented a wall. Woodchipper did. I was missing patches everywhere. But I got that dry shampoo.

Uh-huh. And it's great. Can you give me a rundown of exactly what it is? Uh, dry shampoo, freshen his hair by absorbing oil and sweat, extending time between washes, adding volume, save, volume and saving time. So it's like a, not pleasing odor. Like a baby powder type thing. It absorbs, and not baby powder, but like the same.

I don't know. If you're sweaty, moisture, the baby powder absorbs. I think it's just like for breeze for your hair. Sure, but how does, how does liquid absorb liquid? That's probably a lie. Okay. Nobody's checking that shit. It just makes it smell good.

And Tresemae, ooh la la, has a hairspray fragrance, which is great. So it's just cologne, like just fragrance. Basically, cologne for your hair. But they have, a hairspray has fragrance. But that also sticks and does things. This is just the smell. So, and that smell is really good. I also have this feminine spray, summer's Eve, that I spray in my vagina, nucks and cramins.

just to keep everything dry and pH balance for the boys. Obviously not when you're on your period, though. Of course not. You get a yeast infection. Sure. But you spray that on your socks. I can really see that. Listen, we travel a lot, obviously.

This last run we went on, I wasn't in the best position starting, a short run, two-day run. But I was a little jammed up sock-wise. I used the same pair of socks the whole trip. That's funny. So did I. Traveled. They were brand-new gold toes, though. They held the gold toes are nice.

and I didn't overwear them. I took them off a lot. I placed them down when I was done. So probably the whole, I didn't wear them for most of the day. But I could have used a little fucking juzup by day three, for sure. It's funny you mention that because I got into a thing. I had showered rigorously before we left. And then we flew.

And I didn't shower before that show. and then the next morning we traveled and I didn't shower until that night and I wore the same socks that's not great for you probably but no shower and your shoes aren't in the best I was at least had I was jumping between new shoes and travel shoes

these are brand new shoes Kevin got him at Coles you're a wild you're a wild man dude they're amides Belarusin for Adidas nice you wouldn't

I didn't know that I bought those of Coles. I do now that I see them. I never looked at them. They're tight. Those things are. You look like a ballerina. One's a nine. One's a 12 and a half.

They're both lefts. Very painful. God, I remember when I figured that out as a kid. Because I wore my shoes on the wrong feet for like a day. And I couldn't understand. It was like, you know, probably I was in, like before kindergarten, like when I was responsible to putting on my own shoes. I remember I did that once.

And I was like, what is wrong with these things? And then I realized that they go a certain way. Sure. You know? He's getting smarter. I struck out at that dance, though. He kept going in a circle. Couldn't do the hokey pokey for shit.

Great question. Yeah, this is from D.L. Are you garbage? If you won't buy win-for-life scratch-offs, because if you win, you think they're going to kill you to avoid paying. That's my kind of paranoia. That's the level of paranoia. we're looking for here, dude.

Just like that set for life. Of course somebody be out to get you. Take the lump sum. Uh, yeah. That's what they all. That's what the one thing I remember from my, I was so bad. There's certain things I've learned that my brain can just not comprehend. Sure.

Economics and finance. Oh, that's not good to hear. What? I'm not in charge of the economy. I'm in charge of my economy, which ain't doing well. That's, you know. You have. made all of your own poor decisions.

But you're in charge. You're okay, let me rephrase it. No, if I was in charge, you would not be in the position you're in. Oh, that's true. I've asked you to put me in charge. I've asked you to listen to me, to listen to my advice, to listen to my advice on the professionals that we pay. Yet you refuse to, and you're in your current position.

That's how you ruin weekends. And you keep saying, I just need a few more months. Playing it smarts. But the most dangerous thing a girl like I could do. Yeah, two different. shoes on right now. That's from Moonstruck. Playing it safe is about the most dangerous thing a girl like you could do. Love that Moonstruck. Folks, if you haven't seen it, check it out. Fantastic. Love that share. But those things I couldn't, the win for life, all that kind of,

or the one thing I remember from my finance class was a dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow. Always take the lump sum. So what's all this bullshit with people doing, uh, um, retirement funds. Get it now. If a dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow. This is because the financial advisor is trying to make a retirement fund for you. No, they have one. It is if you invest it.

In what? Anything. I thought they had it invested. What? No, but that is your money. Right. The retirement money is your money. Right.

Yeah. And you've put it in an account. I haven't. He did. Yes, we're trying to. Conservatorship. They hold the dollar The lottery holds a dollar

Till they give it to you in 35 years And a dollar in 35 years Due to inflation is less than a dollar today If you take the dollar today You can put it in a retirement account I got it'll make you money Meanwhile it's sitting in their account And making them fucking

They're playing the markets They're switching to yen overnight That's what my dad always said They're your money You think that's your money They convert it to yen overnight And play the markets over there While you're sleeping

I said listen You don't have any money. They just repoed the car. Shut up. But they do, though. What? They do that shit. Sure.

Why do you care? I don't know. Yeah. I want to get into the Hong Kong yen. Get over there and mix it up a little bit. Wear them suits. Have late dinners. Is that what they do?

Yeah, that's what they do. Then they shoot themselves sitting on a park bench with a briefcase because it all goes south. Those guys work their asses off over there. That and Japanese stockbrokers? Those guys are on edge. I want to get in the tuna game. Really? Black market tuner.

Fish? What? You said you don't eat tuna fish. I don't want to eat it. I want to get a fleet of boats. Go out there, poach. No, you know what we should do. You just took that serious?

Nah, no, no. No. We should take a fishing trip and go out and catch one of those huge tunas for like 200 grand. Mm-hmm. What, that's that stupid? I mean, you act like,

or else you can just catch them. I saw a video of some lady call one by herself. Okay. What do you want me to do? I want you to get us out there. Put that fish in retirement fund. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Now we can sell it after a little meal. You show up. It's all bones. It's a three-hour trip back. Starving. And I would have it all because you wouldn't eat it. You don't like it? You'd have to pay me for my half, though.

I'm not going to eat the whole goddamn thing. We're just going to have lunch. You got to feel, dress it out there anyway. No. You can't have that thing swimming around in a fucking boat. You don't, you brain them. You take a little, they sell like aluminum baseball bat. You fucking, I don't want to do that.

They don't have central nervous system. Yeah, right. You don't think he'd do that to you if you had to chance. You'd have you strung up on a dock selling you. Come on, man, I'll let you go. He'd be doing that thing where he fucking sticks the thing in him, pulls out your meat to see how a red you are. Oh, man. Imagine that.

God damn it Fuck I told you I'd play along I wonder why they don't bring them back alive And then sell them alive I think you gotta get them on ice right They fucking they salt them in ice them I think Or something like that Or just carry them behind the ship in the water

It towed them backwards The water goes in their gills Kills them No I don't want to do that What you mean? I want to keep them alive I don't want to kill them And I want to make some money off of them

You want to kill them? What do you think They're going to do them. They think they're going to put them in a big aquarium and feed them breadcrumbs? Like the mouse and green mile? The yakuza is going to be eating them in 25 minutes. Shit. Well, what are you going to do? Can't stop the yen.

All right. What do you got? Look, I saw you fucking clicking away over there. Yeah, they immediately freeze them as soon as they get them on the vessel. Send them to factories that use ultra-low temperatures to create sashimi-grade fillets. Sashimi. More of a sushi man. Like a little rice.

I don't touch the stuff. I'm a goddamn patriot. Don't forget Pearl Harbor, huh? All right, let's see here. This one's from Blue Moon Bozo. Great name. $10, homie, never have one read. Are you garbage if you had to get your tie tied

for a homecoming at the bar that your mom goes to because no one at the house knew how to tie a tie. Holy shit. Man. She's not home taking pictures of you? She's out at the bar getting sauce. Well, maybe she was there. She was at home and said the only

people I know, the only guy is a gentleman I know who would know how to tie a tire at the bar. Either way. Shout out to her. That's getting a job done, though. You know? I think I remember, I forgot who's sweet. Tied somebody, I think the guy had to tie mine.

The photographer tied mine for my graduation pictures. Where's your daddy boy? He run off, sir. Hey, your mom over there? He's playing the markets in Hong Kong. I know how to tie a tie from an early age. Dad taught me. Every morning, brutal.

Wake up, put your sweatpants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. He'd wake up and he'd sling right over the bed. Oh, man, that morning breath would hit you like a fucking megaphone. Brutal. He'd tie it up. Yeah, here. Keep it for a couple of days. Then you get fucked up.

Come back. I see that now with my, with little Kipparino in the middle of the night. He's wearing ties? No, my breath will fucking. Oh, really? It'll smack him in the face a little bit. Oh. Hey, what do you want for me?

I'm parched. Adult human smell. He's fucking woke me up at three in the morning. It's not like I. Adult humans smell so bad to, uh, human children. It's crazy. How do you say humans so many times? I don't know.

Why don't you just say adults and kids? I don't know. Fucking wack out I don't know To human babies and offspring But I'm often curious what I've asked a couple of my cousins When they were when they were younger

I was like, what do I smell like to you? Or what do I look like to you? Because, you know, their eyes are different. I got to guess Eaters and Swedish people Because when you're a kid A little bit of sashimi Like they, you know, like

You look like a younger guy to me. It's like when you watch football and you still think they're older than you, but not now. That Cooper Dijin, a young kid. Tight body on that guy, too. Run you over. Anyway, I'm always curious about what I look like to younger eyes. Does that make sense? Like if I look like an old fat man. Not probably like young fucking jack athlete is what I meant. Well, what do you mean?

I don't know. You just said if I look like an old fat man, you're overweight. weight in your 50 and you have gray hair don't you put it like that oh i don't know it's like yeah i mean talk about detach from reality you forget about our fishing trip i'll catch the tune on my own uh huh

hey what do i look like to you it's all fucking bug up i don't really give a shit man you're about to kill me no i'm not you're biting them uh uh hot too mottie gang um all right this one's from anita heater great name fantastic you ever get caught would a dryer street stuck on you somewhere? If so, when.

Mine was a first date with my ex-wife. Dyer sheet. You said dryer street. Okay. I'm going to let that one go. Anyway, I have had socks in my jeans. I've had females underwear in my jeans. Yeah, on you.

That's a joke. I remember the first time I ever saw that. What, ladies underwear? A guy wearing. About two weeks ago. A guy wearing ladies underwear. What year did we meet? I had a ladies underwear before.

Sure. Yeah. Whale tail? Not, no. In a situation. I wasn't wearing it out of the house. Hey, Oscar Day La Jolla, Zippin. Freakia.

You ever see those pictures? What are you going to do? I know, but then he's like, listen, we've all done. His speech is pretty good. He's like talking on a pod. He's like, listen, we've all done stuff. to try to get a little bit of ass and everybody was like, whoa.

He was partying a lot. Uh-huh. You get yacked up, you start doing a freaking dicky shit. Listen, I'm not judging him. He still not gonna fuck out. He tried to, like, link it into, like,

he was talking to like five dudes and he said, you guys know, right? You know what the fuck? Fucking cameras are rolling in your cheap. Um, yeah, first time I saw a guy wearing a thong, blew my mind. Where'd you see that?

It was hard as a rock. Where? I'm kidding. At the X games, he was a BMX guy. He was like a BMXer. And it was me, Pat, maybe like my boy Deli or somebody. Why was he wearing it?

Comfort? I didn't fucking ask him. He's, you know, either comfort or that's how he rolled. Are there thongs for men? Maybe it's like an athletic thing. Yeah, you get him in a Victoria. It's not, it was not a listen. I got eyes on this thing.

There's no way that made you do a backflip. It might have been a jock strap. For the world's smallest cup. This thing was like dental floss. I mean, Foley fashion, yes, thongs are for men and widely available and gaining popularity. At age, foley.combe. And deepak styles for everyday wear. Every day wear.

Right from the office to happy hour. With your favorite guy. I'm with it. I'm not against it. I like a jockstrap, too. Back in the day, guys used to wear them to swim in. Jock straps? With a bathing suit over top.

We're like a pair of shorts. Huh? Yeah. They wear a jock strap. With a pair of basketball shorts, and that's what you would swim in. What's the jockstrap do? I don't know. It gives you a little support, and it's not as clinging as underwear.

Like, you know, like Marco Polo swim or like breaststroke swim? Like, are they competitively swimming? No, no, leisure swim. Like at the pool. What years was this? 80s. Go ahead, give it a Google. I'm not a guy.

I'm just, I don't understand it. That's all. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just. Well, jocks traps were more prevalent back then. You know, people actually wore them for, you know, athletic purposes. I don't know if anybody wears them now. I don't think so.

In the NFL, no? We're wearing jocks? I think the big thing in hockey is no one wears a cup. Just crazy. That would look for that. I think it would liquefy your testes you get hit. I'm sure that. I mean, I remember playing not a lot of kids did.

They're not in a lot of kids. thing at gusher's what do you I'm getting speedos were popular jockstraps were for sports in the gym that's that bullshit Google or whatever you got yeah I can believe it on this really I think somebody

well can you say that asking if the if the I asked in the 80s ask if the popularity of jockstraps have gone down no one I mean that's for sure yeah no one's saying that's not the case

hmm I mean was it did people wear jockstraps without a cup? They were solely a cup. Sometimes I wore them without a cup. Sometimes they had ones that didn't have a cup holder in it. Then what's that dude? Just keep you...

It keeps you tight. For, you know, it's not... Because I think it was boxers. It lets you stretch more. Plus it juices up the ass a little bit so when you're out fucking right feet, you let the broads know. Not for me. Keeps you open for business. Yeah, fucking pull your butt apart, dude.

Fucking Mike Honcho this thing. Spread my butt apart and everything. Yeah, they were like phased out by the time. You couldn't have not liked them. I remember I put one on once for hockey. And it just like, what my fat. Felt too sexy? He stared hard in the mirror.

Start wailing on my. I remember my fat thighs. Like the cup couldn't get down, you know, because my legs were rubbing. I didn't have a thigh gap. So it was just like, I think I had like a big cut. And I was just like, it was just so uncomfortable. And I'm like, this. seems more trouble than it's worth i got a small target to begin with you know you need god damn

crack shot they hit me you have to have the dc's knife we're trying to try to pop me one hey let's get out there eric lindross this we're playing against robin hood i'll be all right yeah and i remember but then no one really wore them and i think then some of the hockey pants came with like an insert that you could just put the cup right in there so it was more external than like you know part you. I didn't wear one on the cross because it was too, it hurt too much to run. Same situation.

My thighs were too big and my dick was too small. I didn't say that. I won't mean with you. Shimi dick. Trav got that. All right. Let's see here. This is,

this one's wild. And I've, this is from Charles Cheese. $10 wall-waw soft pretzel never how to question red. Working at a gas station. is it garbage to ask a customer to bum a heater after you sell them a pack? Oh my God. Well, that's where you would do it.

Right. I mean, I've bought, I don't know, thousands of packs of heaters at this point. That's some shady places. Just steal a pack. No one's ever asked me. I get it, though. Just steal a pack. They're not going to know.

Who gives a fucking one pack of cigarettes? Now, they start tracking that because that's like the, the, the, the, The state taxes, they pay tax. Those became, like, the most. I thought that was a rule anyway. Give a pack, take a pack. I don't want to be. Give a penny, take a penny.

Shoot. Although if I was the consumer, I would be like, you know, you got to give me a tutsi roll or a nickel piece of gum or something. Really? You got things back there to negotiate with? Huh.

You just bang me out for a $20 pack of cigarettes. Now you're hitting me up for one? I'll talk to your manager. Of course I would give it to them Yeah I would Yeah Still want that piece of gum though Sure

Something piece of Double bubble A Reese's pieces or something No that's too much It's got to be a nickel candy A single A single lap I was thinking I was thinking of a Reese's cup

A little banger I'd do that for a pepperm patty Of course I do a lot for a peppment patty Anything I got in those women's underwear That was in a wawa Yeah I listen I think I mean I'm shocked

It's never happened to me I'd be more, I'd be totally okay with it. I'd pack it a little bit. I got you, buddy. I mind hitting that with the trash? There you go, take toe. Oh, there's a trade-off. They're done out of trash for me.

That's good. But at a lot of questionable places, because of the lottery, there's a trash can typically right next to you anymore. The places in the city don't like doing it because people come in with, like, fucking Chinese food trash and throw it out. Yeah, it's like. What was I going to say? I always give.

When a homeless guy asked, I always give them two. Take two, take one for later. It's not my prouder moment, but I didn't always give to the homeless guys, depending on how quickly I'd give them one to end the situation. If they came over and asked depending on, I didn't know, depend. It all depended on an ocular assessment of the guy and how much of a problem this was going to be. Really? Because a lot of times, I mean, where were we, we were just in Rochester?

There was the only homeless guy in the whole. This homeless guy clocked us from about three blocks away. Because there's nobody. You were sick. No. There was nobody with, there was nobody walking around downtown Rochester. This guy clocked us and fucking beeline it. And then just got, he was in the middle of our group trying to hit us.

This is that. Guy get this. I get that. And I was one of those things where in New York, they hit a lot of times they'll hit you with one thing. Hey, can you? I'm sorry. Whatever. I'm working.

He can't do it. they respect it because they just go right under the next guy. But there was nobody else walking down downtown route. He did the only guys on the lot. Oh, my God. This guy was not giving the sale up to him. He hit us with 15, 20 different responses. How about this?

Now, how about that? How about this? How about that? I got nothing. You got Venmo. You got this. Venmo? It was you.

I know you got it. Hit me up at H-Mole. Dick. Yeah, but that's a great move. If you're in a jam, that's got to be the best job. That are like bouncer. Because so many people are smoking sigs or buying sigs at bars and or gas stations. And everybody wants to get tight with the bouncer.

There you go. I'll be right by it's popping out. One of the biggest things in our society, you want the bouncer to like you. Always. Why is that? Why do we want their approval? Because they're, they beat you up. They're cool.

They're dictating who goes in and who goes out. You look cool if they're cool with you. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I'm saying why? Like, I get it, but like, why does, and I'm, I fall victim to it. They're in a position of power. I know, but that's just in that fucking two by two. I know.

Why am I? And I'm saying, not you, me. Why am I like, I want this guy to like me? Let me in a fucking bar. You don't want me in a bar? I'm a leave. I have plenty of bars around here I can go to. I take my Reese's cups elsewhere.

you I would have to assume a lot of bouncers you rubbed the wrong way depended where I was at in my night yeah later in I was not their favorite customer I don't think I've ever really been disliked by a bouncer yeah I mean I say not like you know I wasn't their favorite

for sure but like and when we would get bounced or in like somewhat of a you know we were in college somewhat of a scuffle of some kind or something like that. You know what I mean? Some shoving, some, you know, bumping uglies. Put my jarstrap on and square up.

I'll be right back. I'd come out dressed like Oscar Dayloat. Wonder Woman's about to kick your ass. I was always like, yeah, I get it. I've never argued to get back into a place. And we would, a lot of, you know, early in our New York comedy career, we were down there in the village. At those bars that are like real bridge and tunnel crowd.

It's people on bachelor parties. It's people coming in for the night just going. They go there to get fucked up and go bar hopping wherever they can get in. The wagon wheel, whatever it's called. Yeah, there was all, Thunder Jackson's was one, the Peng Pekular Pub, the fucking Red Lion, the Village Lantern, fucking all those kind of bars. Off the wagon, three sheets. They're all just like get fucked up bars. We're like happy hour till midnight.

What the fuck? People would get thrown. out and we'd be like waiting out front smoking six between shows and then like argue to get back in and i've i get it but i've just never been to the guy of like you physically have removed me from this thing i'm gonna negotiate my way back in come on man yeah yeah me either i'm out i've never been thrown out of a bar like that i don't think him either except for that one maybe once you do never getting fucking launched out of the copa banana on penn's campus they had dollar lines lion's heads.

Pat grabbed the guy's ass. Pat De LaHole hit somebody. And it turned into an all-out, bro. That's just good, clean fun. We've seen the, our time in the village, we've seen a bouncer to murder a guy. Yeah. Essentially. And he's like, it's cool.

I got a license. I'm like, not to do what you just did. The cops came in fucking. Arrested him. All right. That was the last day we saw him. Yeah. He's looking at the bag.

He's going, I'm cool. We're like, that guy's on his way to the hospital, and you are. That kid woke up, though. He came back the next day and apologized. Yeah. I didn't mean to hit that guy's knuckles so hard on my face. I think his head was the hit the pavement. Yeah.

It's a dangerous job. Dangerous. Those videos were so big. And, like, I knew I was like, I'm the guy to get. You'd be body. You'd be the guy getting suplexed. So I was quickly, like, as soon as I got the shoulder tap, I was like, Let's just walk out together.

I completely understand. Yeah. And listen, I'm a dirtbag in the sense of, they're the cops to me, in the sense of, listen, there's a set of rules at this bar. That guy's job is to enforce the rules. Right. Back in the day, there'd be bars that you couldn't smoke in that we would try to smoke in. Philadelphia.

Why? Because I was a drunk fucking asshole. And they would go all the way upstate. We'd be down to the, other people would be doing it. and I wouldn't just be the guy to be like, I wouldn't be like ordering at the bar, like, can I get the fucking meatballs sub? But you'd be in the basement of a certain bar,

it'd be packed, and Aaron Express or something like that. And it would be like you tried not to get caught, but if you got caught, I go, you got me red-handed. Whatever I was doing wrong, that game of cat and mouse. They ultimately got me.

Push out. I'd leave. I'm not, you know. Listen, there's plenty of Irish pubs I can go. You know what I mean? Plenty of bars. You think I can fucking. could strike out at any bar in town.

Purpin. I got the hiccups. Plenty of broad, slap me in a face. I don't need you. I do have an order of winks coming, though. It can be all right? You wrapped them up to go. Oh, ma'am.

This is just a pro move. This is from John V. Never had one read it. Is it garbage or splash water on yourself while washing your hands to cover up a pee stain that you got from finishing up in the bathroom? That's the gentleman's thing. You come out with, I would even take a one step further, have your hands a little wet, wait till you see your party and then be like, fucking, no, no, ran out of paper towels, sinks.

Someone took the screen out of the sink to smoke crack in the panther. I should find the bouncer kick them out of here. I would do that. You know what a piece thing? Yeah. Luckily for me. Your shirt covers it? My shirt covers it.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Phil X. A lot of people. Peastains? Where's khakis and every picture. He's got the little fucking quarter spot. Little pea stain.

Little, little dabble, do you? It's just a tough look. Yeah. It's just a tough fucking look. And listen, there's been times when you've been at the sink, you turn the water on and it blasts up. You're not expecting it. So it's believable. Or as a heavier guy, you lean against the sink and don't realize it and your shirt gets that.

That's easier, though. You got to pee on your belly button. you don't have a belly butt and I've seen the photographic evidence All right, we got to wrap it up though, gang Some of my other sweatpants Gang, we love you to death Grab tickets to come see the boys

The big tour The big tour Ah yes, the big tour Starts in March Yeah Still it's happening It's happening Taking a little bit of a hiatus

We're coming back with Start in March with Austin and Tampa We're doing a weekend down there at the creek And we're doing a weekend down there At one of our Dave side splinters Shout out the fucking Tampa, Florida They're going to be We are only Florida shows for the year, so fucking...

Get them ticks. Get the Orlando, South Florida. Come up. Make a weekend of it. Please. We love you. We'll see you tomorrow. Peace.